Editor’s note: This is the last part of a two-part article on how Joshua (not his real name) met the Dhamma through his search in finding the solution to his porn addiction. In this article, he shares 5 methods he applied to fix his porn addiction.
TW: Sexual abuse is discussed in this article
TLDR: Joshua shares 5 effective methods he applied to get himself out of the addictive porn spiral. This includes changing his environment, revaluing porn, reflecting on drawbacks, seeking help, and substituting our responses to triggers.
I would like to share 5 actionable ways one can slowly curb their addiction. This is not meant to be professional advice and one should seek professional help for addiction when it is impeding their normal daily functions.
The following 5 ways are what helped me through the darkest periods of my life. May this benefit your journey:
Change your environment to change your habits
Reflect on the drawbacks of chasing desire
Revalue by reflecting on the grossness of the body
Seek counselling support
Replace the response to triggers with something more wholesome
1.Change your environment to change your habits
Our environment shapes us more than we think. We don’t fail to create new habits because our willpower is weak but rather our system for positive change is weak. One system we can change is the environment that we interact with.
For me, I opened my room doors widely even when I was sleeping to keep myself accountable. This increased the barriers to surfing porn when I was alone in my room.
I also took more drastic actions to alter my social circles and hangout spots to not put myself in situations where I was tempted or lustful. Until my mind was stable, I had to remove myself from such situations for the time being.
However, I also eventually stopped visiting night hangout spots and hung out more with Dhamma friends in more conducive environments. The soil that I was feeding my mind needed to be fertile for wholesomeness and not unwholesomeness.
In addition, I also used Mac software, self-control, to block my access to porn sites. This made it harder for me to access them when I lost control. It is amazing how far a craving mind can go when it is filled with desire. A ton of suffering in all the pursuit for something temporary and unskillful.
2.Reflect on the drawbacks of chasing desires
The Buddha often encouraged his lay followers to contemplate the drawbacks of unwholesomeness in Pataligama sutta:
“There is the case where an unvirtuous person, by reason of heedlessness, undergoes the loss/confiscation of great wealth. This is the first drawback coming from an unvirtuous person’s failure in virtue.
“Furthermore, the bad reputation of the unvirtuous person, failing in virtue, gets spread about. This is the second drawback coming from an unvirtuous person’s failure in virtue.
“Furthermore, whatever assembly the unvirtuous person, failing in virtue, approaches — whether of noble warriors, brahmans, householders, or contemplatives — he/she does so without confidence & abashed. This is the third drawback coming from an unvirtuous person’s failure in virtue.
“Furthermore, the unvirtuous person, failing in virtue, dies confused. This is the fourth drawback coming from an unvirtuous person’s failure in virtue.
“Furthermore, the unvirtuous person, failing in virtue — on the break-up of the body, after death — reappears in a plane of deprivation, a bad destination, a lower realm, a hell. This is the fifth drawback coming from an unvirtuous person’s failure in virtue.”
Pursuing such sense desires is as if one is licking honey from a knife’s blade as the Buddhist saying goes.
When the honey is gone, all that is left is pain/remorse. I wrote down pointers to reflect on if the desire suddenly arose within me.
The drawbacks included the shame of having succumbed to my unwholesome desires as a student of the Buddha, the shame of facing my Dhamma friends, and also a deeper shame of having become a participant in the oppressive porn industry.
Having watched youtube documentaries on the industry and how it often ensnares young women and subjects them to horrific mental & physical abuse, made an imprint on me.
How many young women’s physical and mental health is ruined by the industry and how many are stuck and suffering? In addition, how many young people are exposed to these videos and conditioned to see themselves or women in a warped manner?
My surfing enabled this billion-dollar industry of exploitation and pain to thrive. No amount of ‘animal liberation’ that I did could undo the pain inflicted by my participation if I continued. You can watch more here and here about the industry.
3. Revalue by reflecting on the grossness of the body
Buddhist monastics would often quiz their disciples,
Master: ‘Do you love your hair?’
Lay Disciple: ‘Yes’
Master: ‘Okay, what if a bunch of your hair drops into your food, would you still eat your food with your hair in it if you love it so much?’
Lay Disciple: ‘No Sir’ *a moment of insight arises*
Teachers often make us question our assumptions about the body and its perceived beauty.
I recall a teacher asking “If our body was truly beautiful & attractive, why do many people put on concealers/make-up every day? It is because the body is constantly ageing and filled with gross things (e.g. faeces, toxins), hence we cover it up…even the dead are not spared, we embalm them and put on make-up.
Skin is beautiful until skin flakes fall into your food. A person’s body is beautiful until the person is dead and they start rotting. Reflecting on the unattractiveness of the body is called ‘Asubha’.
Asubha meditation is a meditation where the object of awareness is placed on the unattractiveness of the body. This is often used to counter lust in an individual. It is typically coupled with metta meditation to neutralise any aversion that might arise from contemplating the body’s unattractiveness.
A guided meditation can be found here, and a Dhamma teaching about it can be found here. However, it should be attempted with guidance from good meditation teachers especially if it is your first time.
Another way, is to ask yourself, “What value does porn bring to my life?” “Is this really how I want to spend my life?” “Looking at naked people?”.
By using such thoughts, one can reduce the impact of lust. To reflect on what value porn brings?
4. Seek counselling support to help you through the tough periods
One of the best things about Buddhism is that it does not judge or condemn. It simply provides guidance and support. I found this to be incredibly reassuring and it helped me to feel less alone in my struggle. Engaging with counselling support like Shan You Counselling, Dots Connection, Buddhist Free Clinic, helped to provide a Buddhist perspective to my pain and troubles.
In addition, I sought out online communities of people who recovered and were recovering as well, reading stories of success was truly inspiring.
There is hope and there is potential for change because the self is anatta (non-self).
One of them said, “By turning to Buddhism, I was able to recognize that my addiction was a symptom of underlying suffering. I was able to face my suffering, and then find the strength to overcome it.”
That person’s testimony started my journey into the Dhamma. When we bring to light our darkest struggles, we give others an opportunity to light up their dark inner world as well!
5. Replace the response to triggers with something more wholesome
With a newfound awareness of my addiction, I was able to start making conscious decisions about how I wanted to respond to them.
“One by one, little by little, moment by moment, a wise man should remove his own impurities, as a smith removes his dross from silver.” – Dhammapada 239
The act of removing those impurities starts with recognising the trigger and not letting the habitual loop play out. Furthermore, we can recognise the trigger and then replace it with a wholesome action that leads to the same outcome.
For example, being restless with nothing to do in the morning might make me want to watch porn. The outcome? Wanting to feel relieved from restlessness. Recognising this trigger, I then head to the gym to remove myself from home and do a strenuous workout. This makes me feel less restless (and maybe breathless), achieving the outcome the trigger intends to make.
Hence, by replacing the action after the trigger, I am able to slowly release the grip that the trigger has on me to surf porn.
It might take time to notice the triggers, hence, writing down the triggers is useful for one to make alterations to their reactions to the triggers.
Conclusion
With the help of the Dhamma and other support, I eventually broke free from my addiction. It was a long process, and there were certainly ups and downs along the way.
But in the end, I was able to overcome my addiction to lead a healthier and more fulfilling life.
To this day, I still keep the practice of Dhamma close to my heart and am grateful for the wisdom and guidance it has provided me. It has been a source of strength and support. I am confident that I can continue to apply Dhamma to help me stay on the path of recovery.
Wise Steps:
Know your triggers for bad habits to arise, developing mindfulness is critical in catching those moments
Seek professional help, there is no shame in raising your hand to ask for help
Wholesome Wednesdays (WW): Bringing you curated positive content on Wednesdays to uplift your hump day.
Happy month of labour day! How can we become better ‘workers’ or professionals in the line of work? Minimalism and its value of decluttering might be an interesting way to be more effective at the work place!
Minimalism is more than clearing things, here’s what you might’ve missed
Decluttering as a zen meditation
Minimalism is more than clearing things, here’s what you might’ve missed
Cr: Unsplash
What’s going on here & Why we like it
Ben Meer, an influencer focused on personal development, shares 5 life clutter areas people might miss. These are relationship clutter, physical clutter, digital clutter, financial clutter, and time clutter. We like how actionable it is to declutter our lives at this very moment so that we can focus on what is truly important.
“Fewer possessions = more freedom/optionality”
Wise Steps
Contemplate: What can you declutter today?
Avoid the hedonic treadmill (pursuing one pleasure after another without experiencing any material change in happiness)
Leo Babauta, zen habits’ creator, shares how decluttering might seem overwhelming but it can be also seen as peaceful meditation. Leo shares three areas of decluttering by defining clutter, letting it go mindfully, and clutter as mindfulness practice
“Clutter might be things we think we might need sometime in the future. We hold on to them just in case. Over-packing for a trip is a good example — we bring more than we really need, just in case we need them. It’s the same in our houses — we have a ton of things we don’t really need or use, just in case.”
Wise Steps
What’s one thing that you can declutter right now?
Clear one surface in your room/house now, do so slowly and mindfully.
TLDR: In this post, we share insights on loving-kindness meditation, where we learn that within us, lies the mother who loves her child unconditionally.
Like many beginner Buddhists, I started my meditation training by paying attention to the breath.
At the time, I had no idea how to meditate. I was just watching the breath, and over-focusing on it brought on both tension and calm. Tension arose when I was unable to focus my attention on the breath and calm arose when I was able to pay attention to the breath.
It was after a very long time that I noticed I was meditating unskillfully because I did not want tension but I wanted calm (wanting and not wanting are causes of suffering in the second noble truth).
While training my mind, I learnt the loving-kindness chant, and also loving-kindness meditation. This meditation practice was a lot easier than focusing on the breath. It is very pleasant to practice and seldom did I feel the tension in loving-kindness meditation.
But when there is a narrow focus on loving-kindness as an object of attention for a sustained period of time, I clung to the pleasantness of this meditation and felt dissatisfied when I could not escape the tensions of daily life into this beautiful experience of inner conditioned love.1
An external understanding of loving-kindness
The entire loving-kindness chant is worth reading over again and again for reflection. When we become familiar with meaningful chants such as the loving-kindness chant, we may find ourselves experiencing some of the verses in daily life.
For instance, the verse: “Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways”, made me realise that I need to not surround myself with so many tasks or hobbies that I can’t practice mindfulness in my life.
There is also a portion of the chant that inspires me:
“Even as a mother protects with her life
Her child, her only child,
So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings”
Love and wisdom are aspects of the Dhamma that are inseparable.
Love without wisdom is foolishness while wisdom without love is cold and selfish. I was inspired by the verse and wondered how I could cherish all living beings with a boundless heart as a mother who loves her child.
But I was blinded by arrogance as I was still very identified with my personality – my name, and my background – essentially thoughts I could not let go of. While clinging onto the thoughts of ‘I’, ‘me’, and ‘mine’, I thought about wanting to spread boundless, or unconditional love to all beings. But how could it be possible, when the type of love I understood, is a thought that has no permanence? Since thoughts are fleeting.
An internal understanding of loving-kindness
Whenever a habitual thought/feeling is solidified (seems real to the mind), we take ownership of it and defend it. The experience of a solidified thought/feeling or feeling/thought is tension in the body. There is a contraction which is a feeling of tightness somewhere in the body.
When we notice how tension (suffering) is caused by holding onto thoughts, and how one thought causes a chain of thoughts (psychological rebirth), we can drop thoughts as if we are dropping a lump of hot burning coal we have been holding onto all our lives.
Our society prize thinking as the gift of humanity, as shown in our knowledge economy, and so we cannot bear to part with it. Thinking has contributed to a better way of life for individuals but has also destroyed much of Mother Earth.
The result of dropping thoughts habitually causes an almost immediate letting go of tension in the mind and body. Upon letting go of the tension, there is deep relaxation and opening of the mind (which embodies the whole body).
Thoughts start to part like clouds in the sky, and the sky is the experience of a widened awareness, resembling the mother in the loving-kindness sutta, who loves her child (the fleeting thoughts and feelings) without being attached.
The child here can be unwholesome thoughts or feelings, as well as wholesome ones. There is that embrace of the mother with love and wisdom. She knows the child comes from her womb, but it isn’t her, and therefore she can soothe its pains and pleasures.2
Loving-Kindness in every object of meditation
Loving-kindness is a precious spiritual practice in our world where most minds are absorbed into the digital domain of endless thoughts – on social media, news apps and video streaming. Although most meditators begin their meditation journey with the breath, and practice loving-kindness separately, in reality, they aren’t separate.
We can see loving-kindness as the mother, that embraces the child, which is the breath. Every meditation object we use to train our attention is embraced by the mother, a spacious awareness that embraces the child. Within all of us, lies this mother who loves her child unconditionally, within or without.
Footer:
1 Conditioned love involves a person thinking about love. Unconditioned love is an experience without needing someone to think about love for it to arise.
2 We normally identify pain as suffering. But pleasures cause suffering too, when we don’t get what we want, or get what we don’t want.
Wise Steps:
Loving-kindness is an unconditional aspect of the dhamma. But to practice it, we need to condition our minds with regular guided practice.
Reflect on the loving-kindness chant, so that you can notice the verses become a reality in your life.
TL;DR: This a reflection of a short movie about Thich Nhat Hanh, his teachings and community. Let’s walk together.
I had the chance to join the DAYWA (Dhamma Assembly for Young Working Adults) group for the Walk with Me movie screening some weeks ago. It’s a documentary showing a glimpse of activities in Plum Village, the community founded by Thich Nhat Hanh in France after he was exiled from Vietnam during Vietnam war time. It is a space for practitioners to immerse themselves in Zen Buddhism and the art of mindful living.
The directors perhaps wanted to appeal to a wider population, accompanying it with narration by Benedict Cumberbatch – with his deep voice and strong British accent. And I believe it may have worked when he read several lines from Thich Nhat Hanh’s journal throughout the movie.
There isn’t much dialogue or scripted lines like we’re used to in movies. It contains snapshots of activities, short conversations, moving images or sounds of nature.
What may seem like random scenes strung together, turns out to be a strangely beautiful flow of the story for me.
Cr: Scenes from the film
Captivating scenes
One of the earlier scenes left a deep impression on me: a group of laypeople on their knees, waiting in line for ordination. What’s striking isn’t so much the act of joining the ordained ones, but the deep sense of relief I see in their faces. Tears flooded down their faces, not from grief, but as if a huge rock had been lifted off their chests.
Cr: Scenes from the film
Witnessing such an intimate emotion, I can’t help but tear up and wonder to myself: when was the last time I experienced such a huge relief? What is weighing us down in life?
Cr: Scenes from the film. I love the knowing smile of “welcome to the group”
The bell chime every 15 minutes was cited by many of us as a good reminder for mindfulness – stop whatever it is and catch our breaths intentionally while listening to the bell for a few seconds. The resumption of the activities seems as if nothing has disrupted the motion; if not with the attitude of new experience.
Perish
“Friends want you to appear in the familiar form they know. But that is impossible. How could we continue to live if we were changeless? To live we must die every instance. We must perish again and again in the storms that make life possible.”
A few sentences with an immense reminder to the ever-changing nature of life: we’re not truly living if we try to fix part of us from others’ memory of us and we can’t fix others based on our memory of them.
It also reminds me of one poem in Yung Pueblo’s book Clarity & Connection:
How can we have a real conversation if every time we speak I can see in your eyes that my words are not reaching you? They stop at a narrative you have created about me based on who I was many years ago.
A reminder to let go of the past – image and belief of something and someone. So we could be fully present with what is in front of us, even if it’s a version that we’re unfamiliar with or dislike about.
The movie wasn’t only filmed within the compound of Plum Village, but also journeys to the outside world to share Buddha’s teaching. It was interesting how the monks’ and nuns’ encounters in the U.S. (prison visit, park meditation, monk’s and nun’s visit of family) shine light on the many who don’t understand Buddhism.
The scenes showed how these monks and nuns patiently shared with those who’d like to listen, in a way relatable to them. It was almost funny how the prisoners seemed to be frightened or perhaps showing pity when the monk said monks/nuns do not hold possessions and don’t even hold their own money – as if to ask: who is the one living in jail? But who is the freer person – the one who chooses to drop things or who yearns for things being denied?
Final words
I’ve watched the piece for the second time to write this article and a third time to find meaningful scenes to include alongside and realise that I can ‘watch’ it with my eyes closed. The directors have inserted beautiful sounds of nature, chanting and singing, familiar yet unfamiliar words and melodies. This is the first time I’ve heard Namo Avalokistesvara being chanted alongside violin accompaniment – a new way to appreciate the words and embrace what it stands for.
Cr: Scenes from the film: A smile can be a beautiful sound
One may expect to see more scenes with the Master himself. While Thich Nhat Hanh does make a couple of appearances in answering a question from a little girl (she’s feeling sad because her dog has passed away) and scenes covering his presence in the hall, there are limited scenes of him. His teachings and messages are cleverly transmitted through the actions and energies of his students; even in mundane activities like (mindfully) sipping a small cup of tea.
In summary, this may not be the typical movie or documentary.
One needs to appreciate and trust the flow enfolding every new second, as our self-held expectations and mind search for particular meaning or story, which is the result of a mind habitually trained at grasping. We can probably practise what Thich Nhat Hanh himself taught and come home.
Key Reflections:
Keeping ourselves open to new activities with a new group of people could result in a positive experience
The group may be watching the same film, but the message that strikes us individually may be different depending on our internal world
Lengthy script isn’t necessary to transmit a message that is well-woven in the visual, audio and tone of the piece
Editor’s note: This is an abridged version of Roberta’s Vipassana experience post on her blog. There are many different ways to approach meditation and start learning. Some are more hardcore than others. Ultimately, it is about finding the techniques that suit your temperament and strengths. Roberta’s retreat experience represents one of the diverse Buddhist meditation techniques that one can try! Do check some out here
TLDR: The opportunity to sit in silence for 10 days was equally the hardest and most gratifying experience I’ve had so far. I decided to write about my Vipassana experience and try to distil my observations and reflections. Whether you one day embark on a similar retreat, or even if you don’t, I hope it encourages everyone to introspect on their mental thought patterns in a beneficial way. May we all break free from the thoughts that hold us back.
Ten days, a vow of silence, no interpersonal communication and absolutely no external distractions. Alcohol, tobacco, drugs, books, writing materials and any type of electronic device are all out of the question. Heck, you aren’t even allowed to bring your own snacks. Ten days with you, your mind and your body, separated from the material possessions that define you.
In this contained environment with nothing to escape to, would I be able to sit with the unwelcome visits of Madame Ego and Mr Monkey Mind with a compassionate lens?
What would consume me to attend a course like Vipassana? How has it impacted me, if at all. Where is my head after the experience and will I continue the practice? Let’s process.
Reflection
It was liberating to know that I could push my mind to sit through at times very gruelling sessions.
The course was a powerful practice of discipline, and a real humbling reminder that we don’t need to act on the critical, and often dominant, voice inside. It brought to the forefront the complexities of what we consider our identities, and how we have a say in how we define our experiences.
I was able to reflect on the many roles I play in my own life (partner, daughter, sister, friend…). I’ve rewritten this post a few times, in the hope of avoiding sounding like a generic Vipassana informational. I’ve landed on sharing the points that defined my Vipassana experience…
Grounding in nature
For those of us that live in cities, our daily lives are often dominated by being indoors and sheltered from the elements.
The opportunity to be in Blackheath, one of the highest points in the Blue Mountains surrounded by lush greenery, Australian rich red soils and rolling hills was a blessing.
It was a true lesson of living in the moment, as the weather would change in the blink of an eye. Sunshine and wispy white clouds would shift into ominous grey balls pissing down with showers. Howling winds would break into stillness.
Being lucky enough to attend in Spring, we became witness to flowers blossoming, majestic sunsets, and titillating thunderstorms (nature’s Dolby surround sound).
By day 3, there was an observable grounding in the cohort, people less on a mission, and more in the moment…
Remaining equanimous
The course requires meditators to follow a schedule from 4am-9:30pm daily, with up to 11 hours of seated Vipassana meditation each day.
Those hour-long sits with no movement, could easily make you think that time itself had cruelly and permanently stopped. Your body would scream and every cell in your body would be begging you to move. Yet, as physically or mentally excruciating as the sessions could be, each meditation block would come… and go.
Food times were a reminder of the same. The course schedule had two fixed meal times (6:30am and 11am), where we’d feel the short-lived exhilaration of receiving sustenance, a natural dopamine-lifting activity.
We’d happily receive a dollop of vegetarian food with some rice or bread and a simple side salad. We’d relish the warmth, or the spices, the crunch or smooth textures of the meal.
One perfect bite and all the memories of the painful hour before would all but dissipate. And as quickly as we’d lined up at the start, mealtime would be over and we’d be in another gruelling meditation session.
It was a true lesson of the impermanent nature of everything, good or bad.
Introspection
As the days progressed, it became more intuitive to observe the inner voices and mental thought patterns without being carried away by them.
By creating the intention of breathing and objectively noticing, it allowed space to question the patterns and impulses that sway us like ships in a storm.
Some meditations, I’d feel like walking out early and running away. Other’s I’d feel the competitive urge to stick it out. Slowly, the meditation time blocks became sacred and immovable, and it would only be my mind running away rolling through it’s dialogue.
It was particularly interesting to observe my mild human addiction to catastrophizing, assuming situations will result in the worst possible outcome (cut to scenes of when my clients would tell me they needed a word and I would agonise thinking I did something wrong when in actual fact, it was a kudos for a job well done). The whole experience became an exercise of observing sensations, acknowledging its existence and letting it pass or shift into something different.
Boredom
With none of the usual external objects of distraction handy, it was inevitable that I’d misconstrue the silence as boredom. However, surrounded by the crisp mountain air, allowing myself to do nothing allowed space for my most creative ideas and for old forgotten memories to surface.
New connections formed by linking new and old experiences resulted in new perspectives and questions to ponder. I remain evermore in awe of the brain and human spirit as it is a constant vault of activity that is never completely knowable to us.
I realised that my interpretation of boredom slowly shifted into enjoyment for the quiet space where these bouts of inspiration could appear.
Taking things less seriously
With no one to talk to and hours of often intense isolating meditation experiences, it was easy to get into an existential or philosophical mindset (Why did that memory come up? Why does it hurt so much? Who is that voice in my head? I feel restless, I should be at home writing…).
During a recess on Day 5, halfway through the course with a throbbing lower back and tight hips, I was reflecting on the morning Vipassana session, where the theme was a heavy reflection of my future.
Looking out at the deep green tree tops and rolling clouds, my mind swirled with thoughts of life after Vipassana and I felt a fire ignite in my gut about the changes I’d need to make.
Sitting on a log bench overlooking the valley, my eyes were glued to a particularly tall and striking gum tree, rooted by a thick speckled trunk with peeling strands of dark brown bark that looked to have weathered many storms.
As I sat in wordless oneness with the tree, an Australian wedge-tailed Eagle (I kid you not) landed on one of the branches, directly in my foreground.
For a moment, it looked like a scene from Aztecan folklore – a premonition of the greatness to come. The Eagle sat majestically in profile view for a postcard shot in my brain. Suddenly, it turned as if facing me beak-on, and… dropped a huge shit before flying away.
That broke my trance and made me laugh. Not everything has to have a meaning. It just is.
The experience this time was very different to my first stint 7+ years ago. Beyond being obviously younger, and more immature, my young adult mind was riddled with anxiety and concerns about the uncertain future.
This time around, despite the pending uncertainty, I approached the experience with far more curiosity, openness and acceptance of myself. I could observe my reactions and mental jerks (sudden movements, not the nasty voices) with a sense of understanding. I have faith in my ability to weather any storm.
Will I continue the practice?
Now the golden question is, will I continue the practice? At this point, the answer is yes, until it is no. I am living moment to moment. While not all aspects of the theory agree with me (or rather, I with it), I value the practice for helping to create space and awareness of my own internal dialogue and impulses.
It empowers us to make conscious choices and to be the Master of our Present – the only true way to try to influence the future.
I’m a strong believer in the benefits of meditation and have long incorporated different techniques into my own daily life. I’ve spent years facilitating mindfulness courses (for corporate groups), and guiding meditations and I continue to foster a mindfulness community that I am lucky to learn from regularly.
I see meditation and mindfulness practices as a cornerstone to good mental health and resilience. So I naturally get a little uncomfortable when the course links meditation to something as obscure as spiritual liberation. I choose to take this part with a grain of salt, as the technique itself is practical and a helpful observation of one’s internal self. I hope it doesn’t scare people off, who could actually benefit from any sort of meditation practice.
Wise Steps:
Take time to observe your thought processes through a reflective activity, whether that be meditation, journaling, or talking to a therapist or friend. It will help to clarify your blocks.
Take things less seriously. Everything passes with time. Everything.
