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Dhamma & Digital Detox: How a one-day retreat made me rethink my relationship with media

Dhamma & Digital Detox: How a one-day retreat made me rethink my relationship with media

by | Dec 29, 2023 | Home, Lifestyle, Tech, Read, Wellbeing

TLDR: Always scrolling whenever there is nothing to do? Doing a weekly one-day digital fast from one’s devices, and employing the methods of mindful living recommended by Zen Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh may help in combating a digital addiction.

In the bustling city of Singapore, a one-day meditation retreat became the turning point in my mental health journey. 

This retreat was an escape from the city’s chaos. It included guided meditation, moments of introspection, and times of quiet. During this, my racing thoughts began to calm down.

The retreat didn’t provide an instant fix, but it jump-started a positive change. I started to incorporate mindfulness into my daily life and also started a rewarding digital detox journey.

This one-day retreat unveiled the path to resetting my mental health. It taught me that, even amidst the chaos of life, there’s room for tranquillity. The journey continues, with mental detox as my guiding light towards a healthier and happier mind.

A quiet hall

It was a lovely morning on 22 July 2023 when eighty intrepid youths gathered at the Hall of Medicine Buddha on the sprawling grounds of Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Monastery.

Organised by the Singapore Buddhist Mission, we assembled for a one-day retreat led by Venerable Damcho of Sravasti Abbey.

Titled “Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda: Living a Life with No Regrets”, there was an air of anticipation as we sat patiently on the cushions provided, waiting for the morning session to begin.

Venerable Damcho led us in an opening puja, and then a morning meditation, ending with an intention for the day.

She then expounded on the topic of the day, which plagues many youths today – FOMO, or the fear of missing out.

A light bulb went off in my mind

Group Retreatants

Something she said caught my attention, and I paraphrase, “Isn’t it rather odd that we spend so much time ‘catching up’ with our friends by obsessively scrolling on Facebook, Instagram, or Tik Tok; when we could very well just ask them out for a cup of tea instead?”

During the question and answer session, I asked, “As a queer person of faith, and for many others who do not fit into the neat little boxes society tells us to conform to, I seek solace in online spaces to find ‘my tribe’ as it were, before I found queer affirming Buddhist communities like Rainbodhi Singapore…

… In Singapore, as an educator who has journeyed with students who have been diagnosed and are seeking treatment for digital addiction, I think that scrolling on Instagram is one way people deal with chronic loneliness. I think that there are some benefits to this…

… May I also ask, what would be some of your suggestions for encouraging people to ask their friends out for a cup of tea if they suffer from anxiety issues?”

Her answer was most compassionate. She acknowledged that certain online spaces were places of refuge for those who might be unable to find community in real life.

But encouraged us to still endeavour to interact with our friends in real life.

Group interactions with Venerable Damcho

Having reflected upon the talk in the past 2 months, I have some reflections.

Putting it bluntly, I think we suffer from a delusion when we doom-scroll on our platform of choice on social media, whether that be Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, TikTok, or others. 

Like the concept of moha in Buddhism, which is Pali for “illusion” or “delusion”, this, to me, is one of the 3 common unskillful roots, that lead to craving, together with greed and aversion.

To me, obsessive scrolling on social media, out of the ‘five poisons’, is a toxic cocktail made up of both ignorance and attachment. The other three are aversion, pride, and envy.

You might be surprised to note that I don’t include envy in my consideration. You might differ from me, but to me, the main reason why I scroll Instagram to while away some time while waiting for the elevator to arrive is because I am ignorant that there are better things to do with my time. 

I am also simultaneously attached to wanting to know what interesting things my friends are up to, the concept of FOMO that Venerable Damcho was targeting in her talk.

What I did after her talk

There were 3 things I implemented after her talk that have been helpful for me to combat this FOMO problem and the endless digital distraction that compels us each day to check our phones way too many times in a day.

I am not yet an expert in battling digital addiction*, but I thought it might be useful to share what’s helped me.

(*Note: I see digital addiction as being on a spectrum. While I might not get physically violent if my digital devices are removed from me, scrolling compulsively for 2 hours every night before I sleep instead of reading or chanting is to me, most certainly a problem, even if it might not qualify as being pathological in nature. Please consult a professional if you suffer from addictions of any sort, the following are but some humble suggestions that have worked for me.)

1. Digital Detox

I implemented a day where I would be offline for 24 hours, on an off day where I don’t have to work, and I would take care to inform the friends and family I text most often.

(This is crucial because I once caused them a lot of worry just going dark without telling them, for I am the consummate digital native, replying to messages at a ridiculously rapid rate.)

On the day of my digital fast, I’d intentionally put my phone, laptop and tablet at home, and either go for a morning walk at the nearby park or head to the beach to sink my feet into the sand.

Then I’d mindfully eat my breakfast of kaya toast and coffee, more mindful than usual instead of Instagramming it and pairing it with a witty caption for my followers.

Sometimes I’d head to my favourite temple, Bright Hill Temple, and pay my respects to my favourite bodhisattva, Guan Yin, then meditate in the Hall of No Form for a bit, before partaking in a delicious vegetarian lunch at their canteen.

Then I’d spend some time journalling, in pen and paper (crazy, yes I know, some of us haven’t touched a pen since graduation – at least according to a friend of mine), and write down some thoughts and reflections I’ve had for the week.

Finally, I’d spend the rest of the afternoon crocheting, chanting a meditative mantra silently in my mind with each stitch.

In the evening, I’d cook a simple dinner mindfully, eat, and then wash my crockery mindfully too, in the fashion of the Zen monks I’d once read about.

Then I’d wind down by doing some nighttime chanting to Guan Yin with my mala (prayer beads), then finally curl up to a good book to quieten my mind and body before falling asleep.

This is in contrast to staring at my phone, indulging in my usual bedtime procrastination of scrolling for 2 hours straight, and catching up with what my friends are doing, before collapsing in exhaustion past midnight.

I can see why retreats are useful, but since I cannot currently afford to go overseas to spend 7 days in silence regularly, I think being offline, away from the constant overwhelming digital noise, 1 day a week can be super helpful too.

2. Mindfully doing everything (as much as possible)

I have been a great fan of Thich Nhat Hanh’s methods, ever since I was recommended his books as a newcomer to Buddhism 5 years ago.

In his little series of books that I love, with them intentionally titled, “How to Sit”, “How to Walk”, “How to See”, and so on, I have learnt that we can be mindful of the little things.

As I began to eat more mindfully during mealtimes, setting aside my phone (after snapping a square photo, I know, forgive me, for I am still learning to be mindful), I began to better experience the flavours, the texture, and even noticing the temperature of the food I as I chew.

I felt grateful with each bite, for the many causes and conditions that brought the bowl of noodle soup to me, with the various ingredients sourced and harvested from all across the world. That is not to be taken for granted. This also reminds me of the concept that Thich Nhat Hanh likes to call “Interbeing” more commonly known as interdependence.

This means that no man exists as an island unto himself and that we all rely on one another, whether we realise it or not. And I began to see the universe in my little bowl of noodles. It is incredible indeed, what being mindful can do to one’s experience of a meal.

Then, while walking, even to the bus stop from my house, I noticed the feeling of my feet as I took each step. I see the trees, the breeze gently caressing each leaf and cradling each branch, the accompanying chirping of the birds, and the gentle early morning sunshine on my face, and I am grateful to be alive.

I must admit, this does not happen all the time, I am sometimes still engrossed in my phone, replying to an urgent text from a client or a friend, checking for the day’s movie timings or seeing what time the bus is arriving from my app.

But when I do, and I try to when I remember, the world slows down and everything becomes that much more meaningful as the digital world fades into the background that much more.

3. Digital decluttering the Marie Kondo way

Recently, I began to do a little digital decluttering.

I cleared my photo album of photos that I no longer needed, screenshots of receipts after meals I send to friends to split the bill, or posters to events that have long passed.


Then, I did some purging. 

Often on social media, digital friends can over time become unwholesome to one’s practice if their views aren’t aligned with mine. 

On Twitter, I unfollowed or muted some friends who posted things that were too violent, whether in imagery or speech, too sexual, or too angry.

My feed then magically became a more wholesome place to be in, where I converse with friends on important topics of the day, even as we partake in one another’s lives across continents, making plans to one day visit.

I think this can be sometimes controversial, for some might consider this a form of locking oneself in an echo chamber.

Well, my response to that is, that I’d rather be in a wholesome echo chamber than be in a town square full of angry and hateful people, bombarding my eyes with their violent speech and imagery, thank you very much.

My feed is mine to curate, and it’s like reading books or watching movies – we don’t read every single book or watch every single movie that comes into the market. Why? Each of us has a unique taste, cultivated over time, informed by our religious beliefs and practices. Similarly, I shouldn’t subject myself to reading every tweet, Instagram picture, or TikTok video that comes my way if it isn’t aligned with my practice.

That’s being mindless instead of being mindful.

My friends often wonder why my TikTok feed is so weird – my feed is filled with parenting advice from a mom who is also a professor and counsellor, fun chemistry videos from a real-life chemist, wholesome coming-out advice from a queer couple, and Book Tok videos of new books my favourite Book Tok celebrity, Jack Edwards, has laid his hands on.

These are things I enjoy learning about, and I am glad the TikTok algorithm is rather accurate in serving up the wholesome content that I enjoy. No shade on those who dance in skimpy clothing but it’s just really not my thing. But I most actively steer away from content that is overtly angry, rude, or discriminatory, which (un)surprisingly makes up a lot of content online these days.

Even if one cannot go offline completely, plugged into the digital world as we are in the 21st century, whatever one consumes directly affects your brain. There is a famous neuroscience saying that goes, “Neurons that fire together, wire together”, meaning that the more you consume, the more your brain wants you to consume.

The more sexual imagery one consumes digitally, the more they’d want the same hit of dopamine, and a vicious cycle continues.

Like my friends in recovery, instead of going cold turkey, many replace their addiction with a healthier form of coping.

Instead of smoking, they might chew gum instead (I know, we can’t buy chewing gum in Singapore, but you get my point).

Instead of feeding one’s mind with celebrity break-up news on Instagram, one could instead read the helpful posts on the Handful of Leaves Instagram page, and listen to their podcast too (My favourite one is the sex talk the two hosts did with Venerable Damcho). 

Conclusion

I still struggle with and have a mild digital addiction. However, implementing the methods of mindful living as espoused by Thich Nhat Hanh, and doing a digital fast once a week, has been tremendously helpful for me. Curating my social media feed is something I’m currently still working on, even as I work on digital decluttering, removing apps and photos that I no longer use or are helpful to my practice.

I hope this little sharing has been helpful for you and I wish you all the best of luck with your digital journey.

Be kind to yourself, be curious about why you do the things you do, and be brave enough to make changes to your life when the need arises.

Peace.

Wise Steps:

1. Choose one day a week to do a digital detox.

2. Eat mindfully with awareness and gratitude.

3. Delete old photos from your mobile phone.

Are you missing these mindfulness ingredients when dealing with fear?

Are you missing these mindfulness ingredients when dealing with fear?

by | Dec 13, 2023 | Mindfulness & Meditation, Read

TLDR: ‘McMindfulness’ is a term for describing commercial mindfulness divorced from its Buddhist roots. You are missing a key ingredient of mindfulness if you are using the practice as another tool to get rid of unpleasant feelings such as fear.

Mindfulness is the key word for stress reduction in today’s world, so much so it has been given the term “McMindfulness” where the practice has become commercialised and departed from its roots. In its ancient form, mindfulness is for overcoming fear and getting to know ourselves deeply, and not just a wellness tool.

There are different types of fear such as financial loss, losing reputation and our lives.

The last fear is something that drives most of us – the need to make a name for ourselves before we die, or seek comfort for a long life. However, all fears are existential.

What underlies most fear is the fear of being rejected. The fear of rejection by society can lead to survival problems (not being in a herd means we are more easily attacked, or have less assistance from others when we need help), threatening our existence. Unfortunately, we seldom contemplate such matters until a serious challenge in life forces us to look within.

What Drives Fear?

Fear is a strong human instinct and is a healthy natural state for survival.

However, in our society, corporations have created an unnatural psychological fear in our pursuit of profits.

For instance, we fear not looking beautiful, not having enough and not being healthy. Do you see how all these fears are driven by beauty, investing, and get-fit personal training advertisements we see everywhere?

Different mindfulness techniques for working with fear

One of the powerful techniques in mindfulness for overcoming fear is to befriend fear. Befriending fear is a wonderful technique for overcoming fear. When we treat someone as a friend, that person cannot antagonise us and it is the same way with negative feelings.

However, the technique of befriending fear may not be useful for all situations, especially if one’s mind has no clarity or concentration.

Learning to be with fear is another way to get to know it deeply by watching fear arise and subside on its own. This takes a strong mindfulness practice because most times we react to fear as opposed to just observing and being with it.

Another powerful method for working with fear is to accept the situation (things we cannot change). To accept is to run towards the fear instead of avoiding it.

It is by running towards it, as opposed to turning away from it, that the energy of fear is able to flow. 

Life itself is a constant flow. It is our resistance that causes stress, which blocks the energy flow of these different emotions in our bodies.

But isn’t mindfulness a technique to get rid of fear? This is the biggest misconception of mindfulness. 

Unlike going for a massage to relieve pain, mindfulness is not about getting rid of feelings we dislike. 

This misconception is significant because it highlights a fundamental misunderstanding of what mindfulness truly entails. Mindfulness isn’t a tool for erasing or suppressing uncomfortable emotions like fear. Instead, it encourages us to acknowledge and understand these emotions, fostering a healthier relationship with them. 

By embracing our feelings, including those we dislike, mindfulness empowers us to navigate life’s challenges with greater resilience and inner peace. It offers a path to coexist with our emotions, ultimately leading to personal growth and emotional well-being.

Overcoming fear by letting go of control

Since fear is a natural biological instinct, we can learn to trust that it is there to help us. However, since we humans are also a part of nature, we need not fear the feeling of fear when we are facing possible death of the self because death is natural. 

The key ingredient that is missing in secular mindfulness practice is confidence or faith.

This faith isn’t a blind belief but a trust in the process and the wisdom of the Buddha and those who developed these practices over centuries.

A lot of people reject negative emotions and use meditation as another tool to get rid of them.

For example, a practitioner who is feeling lonely may start to watch the breath so as to forget feeling lonely. However, this is just another form of distraction. True mindfulness encourages us to confront and understand our emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, rather than simply using it as a distraction tool.

Faith in the process can help practitioners stay committed to this transformative journey.)

Mindfulness is not meditation

Meditation is the deliberate act of training the mind to be collected and stable. When we place awareness on the breath in meditation, it can alleviate unpleasant feelings. However, the same unpleasant feeling may return when we come out of the meditation practice.

It is as if we have used a rock to cover the moss (unpleasant thing) instead of uprooting it. Once the rock is removed, the moss remains there.

Meditation is a support for mindfulness. Mindfulness is not a tool to distract ourselves from uncomfortable feelings. First, we learn to steady our minds with meditation. Then, we use this strength of the concentrated mind to observe and accompany unpleasant feelings. Why?

With mindfulness, we can become familiar with what comes after unpleasant feelings such as fear. Watching how the fear fades and the next emotion that arises strengthens our understanding of feelings and their nature to fluctuate. It cannot stay forever. Just like musical notes. Music is made of both high and low keys. 

When we learn over and over again to be with fear, we realise there is no need to push away fear as it arises and passes away.

We can also gain confidence through the practice that fear or any painful feeling is also followed by different emotions which can be relief.

I leave you with some techniques you can apply to managing fear.

What are some techniques i can apply?

Here are 3 techniques for overcoming fear:

  1. Befriend: When the feelings of fear arise, welcome the feeling by mentally noting “Hello my friend, there you are again.”
  2. Being with: Stay with the feelings of fear means to feel its sensations (knowing the body temperature has risen, there are more sensitive vibrations in the body) in the body and not reject them by wanting to feel something else.
  3. Run towards: When the fear comes, see it as an adrenalin rush, run towards it and tell yourself it is good to have more of this energy because you can use this excess energy to exercise or to dance your fears away.

Wise Steps:

  • When facing fear, stay present with the feeling in the body, don’t run – if you are a mindfulness practitioner.
  • Notice what comes at the end of fear when you stay present with it mindfully. Know the end of fear again and again, because the end of fear is the same gap between thoughts and all feelings.
  • Know the difference between meditation and mindfulness; find different ways we can incorporate them into day-to-day life.
#WW: 🤭 Simplified meditation for the busy one

#WW: 🤭 Simplified meditation for the busy one

by | Nov 8, 2023 | Mindfulness & Meditation, Read, Wholesome Wednesdays

Wholesome Wednesdays (WW): Bringing you curated positive content on Wednesdays to uplift your hump day.

With the plethora of wellness trends, from Tibetan bowl meditations to dynamic meditations, peace and calm seems to come with many things. You need to book a class, wear yoga outfits, go through different rituals or have a teacher…. 

 Are we overcomplicating mindfulness and meditation?

Here are two short videos that brings us back to the simple foundations of mindfulness practices. 

1. 1 Minute to be present
2. 2 minutes video dispelling meditation myths

1 minute to be present

brown wooden analog wall clock
cr: Unsplashed

Summary

Dzongsar Khyentse Rinpoche, a Bhutanese monk from the Tibetan tradition shares a very simple practice for people who only have a minute, and want something accessible and effective. We found this useful because he goes straight to the point and removes all fluff. He keeps the practice unbelievably minimalist, suitable for the folks who are running from one meeting to another and have an exploding inbox to clear. Give it a try! 

You never know how much you needed this!

“I’m not even going to tell you to do positive thinking, sunrise, rainbow or stuff like that”

Wise Steps

  • Identify opportunities in your day where you can take a moment to be present, ie walking, taking the lift, sitting in the bus/MRT.

Check out the video here or below!

2 minutes video dispelling meditation myths

Cr: myths in Unsplash

Summary

Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, a monk also from the Tibetan tradition breaks down the myths that many people have about meditation. Is it about emptying the mind? Do I need to create any special states? Am I wasting time? 

He also helps us to experience a simple sound awareness meditation and encourages us to try that for today! 

“Meditation can be done anywhere and at any time”

Wise Steps

  • Contemplate: Am I holding on to any expectations about meditation?
  • Practice makes progress! Try these short videos out!

Watch it here or below

Ep 35: Altered States: A Drug Addict’s Journey to Dhamma

Ep 35: Altered States: A Drug Addict’s Journey to Dhamma

by | Oct 4, 2023 | Podcast

Transcript

[00:00:00] Cheryl:

Welcome to the Handful of Leaves podcast. My name is Cheryl, and today we are back with another episode. I am here with Alvin, a friend who has experienced and struggled with drug addictions in the past. He’s here today to share a little bit more about his learnings, and his journey. He wanted to give back to society after seeing how the Dhamma really helped him in his journey.

[00:00:27] Alvin:

Hi, Cheryl. Hi, guys.

[00:00:29] Cheryl:

I’m very curious about how you started getting into drugs.

[00:00:34] Alvin:

So, an ex-friend actually introduced me to drugs. When we were in primary school, they told us to stay away from drugs, right? They told us we’d get hooked easily. I guess at that point, I was just curious. Oh, is it really true that a few puffs will really get us hooked? So I went ahead and tried it, which is a very bad idea.

[00:00:51] Cheryl:

Right. Curiosity killed the cat, but in this case, curiosity got you hooked. I see. And what happened after that?

[00:00:59] Alvin:

Your work, your health, your relationships friends, actually everything got affected. Because almost every moment I was thinking about drugs. In a way, deep down a part of me also feels guilty. I know this is wrong but, I just can’t help it. The addiction basically just takes over. To be honest, I broke all the precepts except for the first one, the killing of another human being.

Because I was using crystal meth, the whole time I was feeling like I was no different from an animal or maybe a ghost? Basically, I was always craving for drugs. It increases your sexual desire, you are impulsive, and you have frequent mood swings. Because I have a bit of anxiety, it actually increases the anxiety attacks.

[00:01:44] Cheryl:

I see. What was the turning point to get out of your addiction?

[00:01:48] Alvin:

I mean, I feel like I’m a being from the lower realm. When I look at my friends, I basically feel that something is actually wrong with me and I need to change. That is when I started to do my own research on the Dhamma and modern psychology to help myself get out of the addiction. Basically, abusers will glorify the highs you can get from the substance, and they don’t look at the negative effects on your mind and body.

I watched videos on human anatomy created by healthcare professionals, to watch what it does to your organs, your brain, everything. In that process, I listened to Dhamma teachings. I make the effort to go for meditation, sign up for retreats, speak to Bhantes, and share my problems with them. Going through all these Dhamma activities, I also made Dhamma friends. I also share my problems with them. All of them gave me advice and helped me.

And because of meditation, I looked inwards, and I realized that being in addiction, my behaviour, my thinking, everything was distorted. It’s really like beings from a lower realm.  I must just keep making the effort to replace negative habits with refined habits and negative thoughts with refined thoughts.

[00:03:00] Cheryl:

That is actually very similar to what the Buddha said of Right Effort and Right Intention. The Buddha shared that essentially when you have wholesome, skillful states of mind, you make the effort to make it more abundant. If it has not yet arisen, you also plant the seeds so that it will arise. Then on the other side if it’s unwholesome things, if it has not arisen, you try to make sure that it doesn’t arise. But if it has already arisen, you make the effort to cut it, abandon it, and don’t indulge too much in it. That sounded very similar to what you shared as well.

Just in reference to what you said about feeling like a being from the hungry ghost realm, I think it’s a perfect simile because they are usually depicted as creatures with scrawny necks, and small mouths, and their limbs are very thin and very emaciated. At the same time, they have very large, bloated, empty bellies. In the domain of addiction, when we constantly seek something outside ourselves to curb that insatiable yearning for happiness, relief, or fulfillment, we will always feel empty inside because these substances, these objects, these pursuits, we hope that it will help us to be happy, but it will never give us the happiness that we need. And we will haunt our lives without ever being fully present.

[00:04:27] Alvin:

Like beings of the lower realm, there’s no way we can create merits because our views are distorted. Even though we think that we are doing something virtuous, actually it’s not.

[00:04:37] Cheryl:

Can you share an example?

[00:04:38] Alvin:

I have a friend who introduced me to drugs. After every session, he will share some so-called TCM with fellow drug users to help them to relieve the symptoms. He thinks that he is actually doing something virtuous to help people, but actually, he’s not.

You can’t blame him, but indirectly he’s actually giving people the wrong idea that you can actually remove the toxins from drugs using TCM after you use them. But they didn’t know actually crystal meth affects your brain immediately when you take them. So what he’s doing is actually relieving the symptoms after the drugs which actually doesn’t help to remove the damage to the brain.

[00:05:13] Cheryl:

Interesting. So he himself probably has that wrong belief as well, that it’s the right thing. And he goes on to perpetuate that. And I think that is the danger of not having Right View, right? When you don’t have Right View, you firmly believe that what you’re doing is actually going to give you happiness and you follow it. The result of that is obviously suffering to yourself and suffering to others as well. These are very painful consequences. Were there any relapses in your journey to recovery?

[00:05:44] Alvin:

If let’s say after you stopped using for three months, you suddenly go and take a puff, it’s considered a lapse and not a relapse. A lapse is just a slip. I have a few lapses here and there. If I remember it’s around maybe three. After every lapse, I will feel extremely guilty. Oh no, I actually took a puff. I’m such a terrible person. I thought I made the motivation to stay clean. How could I do something like that? After feeling guilty, I have to maybe look back and see what causes the slip. Is there anything I missed out? Maybe some context I didn’t delete or maybe the triggers. So after every lapse, if you make the effort to learn from it, it will prevent the next lapse from happening. It’s basically like riding a bicycle. If you fall, you get up and then you continue riding. If you fall and you just give up, then you won’t be able to ride a bicycle.

[00:06:33] Cheryl:

But what gave you the motivation to come back up again? It’s so tiring, right? You are literally fighting a battle that is very hard to win because it has already affected your neural connections. So what gave you that strong drive?

[00:06:46] Alvin:

I relate to beings of the lower realm, right? If I don’t want to get out of the addiction, I’ll always be a being of a lower realm. I’ll always be stuck there and the worst thing is in this life and in my future life. So yeah, that gave me the motivation. Also because I did some meditation, I have to be mindful that actually I’m fighting the defilements. It’s the defilement that keeps pulling me back. I stick a note on my wall to remind myself that thoughts are thoughts, memories are memories. Just come back to your breath. So whenever thoughts try to trigger me to pick up the substance. I just remind myself that, that’s not me. That’s just my past habit. So after a while, usually after a few minutes, the thought will go away. So you just have to keep fighting it.

[00:07:32] Cheryl:

You have to endure it within the few minutes when it comes on strongly. Alvin, I must really say that I really admire how much wisdom you have. This wisdom of seeing things clearly in the sense of seeing the drawbacks of being in this lower realm. First, you compare yourself with your friends, you’re lagging behind because of this addiction. Second, realizing the drawbacks of how rare this human birth is, but at the same time being stuck in the lower realm, traps you into not being able to do any goodness, any merits. With that wisdom, that really pushes you through all the difficulties, even though there were lapses in your process of learning how to ride the bike.

The Buddha shared the second of the Eightfold Path, which is the idea of Right Intention. Being firm on this idea of renunciation, letting go of ill-will, keeping yourself in goodwill, keeping yourselves in loving kindness. Being firm and resolved on the idea of harmlessness to yourself as well as harmlessness to other people. This is called right resolve or right intention in which you set your mind firmly to move on into more wholesome activities, more wholesome bodily actions as well.

[00:08:50] Alvin:

I’d also like to add that every time I go for Dhamma activities, the Bhante or the Luang Por will make us retake the Five Precepts. So every time I retake the five precepts, it reinforces the motivation to stay away from all these substances. Every time I go to these Dhamma events, I see my Dhamma friends there. I shared with them my addiction and they are like my safety net. So every time I meet up with them, they will ask me, how are you? Indirectly, they will check in on me. I also made promises to Ajahn and Luang Por. Every time they see me, they’ll also ask me. It gives you the additional protection. It’s quite helpful. Maybe those who are actually struggling with addiction can apply it to themselves.

[00:09:29] Cheryl:

Thank you so much for sharing. You’re very, very lucky to have this supportive community of spiritual friends and more importantly, spiritual teachers that you respect. When you make aspirations in front of people that you respect highly, I think you’ll take that more seriously as well. Your defilements will be a bit scared of it as well. And what are the biggest changes in your Dhamma practice in these two and a half years?

[00:09:55] Alvin:

I will say that my mindfulness has increased. I have more opportunities to create merits, go on retreat, and do things that truly benefit myself and other sentient beings. It’s a big gain. I will use a simile right now, I feel like I’m a human being. And I’d kind of go further into maybe Deva?

[00:10:13] Cheryl:

For all our listeners who have not heard of this term, Deva usually refers to the higher beings. It could be something like deities, angels, or beings of the higher realm that are in a way superior to the human realm. And I guess that is also the path, right? In a way, we start off as puthujjanas, which means that we are not really wise, we break the precepts, and we are a bit heedless here and there. And then as we do more goodness, we start to practice generosity, then that’s where we become kalyanajanas, meaning good people or good beings. Then as we continue on the path and practice, cultivate, and purify our minds, hopefully, we can be Ariya-puggalas, which basically refers to noble beings where our minds are purified as far as possible from the grasping of greed, hatred, and delusions. And Alvin, I just wonder, are you happy now?

[00:11:10] Alvin:

Basically, in the past, every weekend, long weekend was the time when I met my friends for drugs. But right now, I have the time to listen to teachings and really spend time with my loved ones. I feel that really benefits myself and other sentient beings. The happiness is different from the happiness you get from drugs. Drug-induced pleasure is basically short-lived, just for that few hours you feel good, but after that when the effect wears off, everything starts crashing down. Whereas the happiness I feel from creating merits, listening to teachings could last for up to a few days. So every time I do something good on Sunday, I listen to a teaching, and attend Dhamma activities, every time I recollect that memory, it actually brings out happiness.

[00:11:51] Cheryl:  

It’s actually referring to merit arising. It’s the idea that when you perform meritorious deeds, you can constantly recollect to bring up joy in your mind as well. You can also recollect your merits in times of sadness or depression. You remember the good that you did and that joy can continue to sustain you. And this kind of joy is very different from the pleasures of drugs or even the pleasures of shopping. You go and shop or you’re going to eat good food after a while you’re like, I’m hungry again. I need the newest bag. I need another car. It’s unsustainable.

It’s very interesting because a lot of people don’t understand that this kind of craving is not sustainable and if you just look into material society, everyone is running around for the bigger paycheck, the next big thing to buy, the next thing to own. “Encircled by craving, people just hop around and around like a rabbit caught in a snare. Tied with all these fetters, all this attachment, you go on to suffer again and again for a long, long time.” (Dhammapada 342) And this is actually in one of the Suttas as well. Then the Buddha says, don’t be like that rabbit. “Anyone on the path should dispel that craving and should aspire to dispassion for this endless craving for oneself”. (Dhammapada 343)

What Buddhist teachings inspire you the most these days?

[00:13:17] Alvin:

I’d say the Four Noble Truths. From my own experience, I find the suffering of being addicted actually gives me the motivation to seek a path out of that suffering. In the process, when you look inward, you realize that the problem is not from the outside, but from the inside. So once we are able to fulfill our internal needs by looking inward and also relating to our own experience, then we realize that actually, the pleasures of the material world can only give us temporary happiness. It isn’t sustainable. Nowadays, I find that doing my meditation, it’s actually able to give me that happiness that material pleasures can’t fulfill.

[00:13:56] Cheryl:

I’m wondering what was it that you were craving that you hoped drugs were able to give you.

[00:14:03] Alvin:

It was the loneliness inside and also trying to find the quick and easy way out to fulfill the internal needs. Unfortunately, it could only make things worse.

[00:14:16] Cheryl:

Yeah, unfortunately, it just worsens and perpetuates your suffering, the very suffering that you wanted to run away from initially. Wow. That’s powerful. I’m very glad, that you also have the right conditions to go back to the Buddhist teachings. A lot of people, once they go into drugs as strong as crystal meth, it’s a one-way road down to deterioration and you’re able to still turn back.

[00:14:40] Alvin:

Yeah. Basically, that is also what I told myself because I keep asking myself, I have the condition, my life is actually good, and I don’t have any problems with my family, or my friends at work. Why am I doing this to destroy my own life? This gives me the motivation to want to stop the addiction. If you don’t have any meditation background, you can look for a teacher and learn meditation. When you start looking inward, you realize that we have the choice to change our future. So it’s actually really up to us. We can’t rely on external things to make us feel better.

[00:15:14] Cheryl:

You have to only rely on your own efforts, to persevere through and then you’re able to find inner happiness, but we’re also very lucky at the same time that we have the Buddha who taught the Dhamma and have a wonderful community of Sangha to show us how to practice well this path so that we only have to put in the effort to go through this practice.

And as you wrap up that chapter of your life, there were definitely some things that you have remorse for. How do you deal with that remorse and regrets of the past, the people that you’ve hurt, and perhaps even your loved ones?

[00:16:00] Alvin:

I just use the simile, it’s something that I did in my so-called past life. I can’t go back and change the past, but what I can do is I can change the present. So I just do well right now and I can create a better future for myself and the people around me.

[00:16:17] Cheryl:

Just focusing on the present. With the faith that what you’re doing in the present is good, the future will ripen with good seeds as well. In the Buddha’s time, there was this serial murderer, Angulimala who killed 99 people to get their fingers. Then the last one he wanted to kill was his mother. But the Buddha, out of his compassion, saw that Angulimala was going to do a very, very big offense. So he went there to try to stop Angulimala and Angulimala wanted to kill the Buddha instead. He’s like, huh? Okay. I don’t kill my mother. I kill the Buddha. But then of course the Buddha cannot be killed. So using his psychic powers he kind of floated away while Angulimala was trying to chase after him. Then after a while, Angulimala got really tired and he was like, Stop running, Buddha, please. I’m tired. Then the Buddha said, Oh, I have stopped for a long time.

In that passage, what he’s referring to is actually not about the running, it’s about the craving. He has stopped all these cravings for a very, very long time. Then of course, with the Buddha’s amazing ability to teach the Dhamma according to everyone’s conditionings, Angulimala became one of the Buddha’s disciples and eventually became an Arahant as well. He even made the blessing chant that after becoming the Buddha’s disciple, I had not killed anybody before. By the power of that truth, may this protect anyone who’s going through difficulties in giving birth or in labor. So it speaks to the potential of all of us regardless of what bad deeds we’ve done or whatever foolishness that we have committed in our past that there is hope to change ourselves as long as we put in the effort. As long as we are able to find the Dhamma which corrects our Right View and to walk on diligently, then we can attain to the Path.

And I guess addiction, there’s a lot of forms, right? Eating disorders, sexual addiction, porn, even video games, gambling, social media. What advice would you give to someone who is struggling with any form of addiction?

[00:18:30] Alvin:

I came across this quote that actually motivates me. Addiction is the only prison in the world where one holds the key. For someone who is in deep addiction, who wants to get out they might feel a bit helpless, it’s like, what do you mean I hold the key? It’s very difficult for me right now. Yeah. So actually I would encourage people to just get professional help if they really need it. It’s okay, it takes courage to admit that you have a problem. Get help if you really need it.

[00:18:56] Cheryl:

And I find it very interesting because, in your own journey of recovery, you actually didn’t seek professional help, right? You were kind of DIY, do it yourself. So it’s interesting that you gave the advice that it’s okay to look for help. Why do you give this advice?

[00:19:13] Alvin:

Although I didn’t get professional help, I did talk to Ajahn. It took me quite a while to get out of that remorse state. We can expect everybody to use the Dhamma to help them. Some people might need professional help. So there’s no one-size-fits-all method for everybody.

[00:19:29] Cheryl:

You have to find what is suitable for you at that point in time. And at different times, you will require different things as well. Yes. You were saying it took you quite a while to get out of that remorse state. But eventually, in retrospect, what you realize is that… There’s no point in clinging to the past and the present and the future is more important. Okay. What was the turning point, which gave you that aha moment?

[00:19:58] Alvin:

I heard this teaching from Luang Por. Every time we recollect something virtuous, it’s like we are doing that virtuous action again. Similarly, if we keep thinking about the negative things we do, we are actually indirectly doing that negative action again. So I have to tell myself whatever is done is done, just move on. If I really want to benefit myself and all sentient beings, I have to move on.

[00:20:21] Cheryl:

That is very powerful. I really love that. Thanks for sharing. Amazing. Is there any last thing that you want to share from your experience with struggling with drug addiction?

[00:20:32] Alvin:

There’s this method which I find quite helpful. Perhaps you can use something of higher value to overcome the addiction. So something that fits your principles and your personal values. In the past, I’ve always wanted to be a fitness instructor. So actually I also make use of fitness, like going to the gym, taking out new sports to overcome the addiction, and using that drive to help me get out of the addiction and also to pursue my dreams.

[00:20:59] Cheryl:

What if someone doesn’t have any other value and the value is just seeking happiness? Drugs give me the highest happiness, they can say.

[00:21:07] Alvin:

It’s still a form of wanting to seek happiness. To me, it’s still a value. You could actually replace that addiction with something positive. Get a friend to help you to try something different, learn a new hobby, et cetera. Then you can compare and contrast. To see that actually, there’s something that could be even a higher form of happiness compared to the substance I’m attached to. Just try to take the first step.

[00:21:31] Cheryl:

Yes. The first step might sound extremely scary, and difficult. But always know that there are alternatives to the drugs that you’re taking which harm your body in very severe ways and there are other ways to obtain happiness that actually continues to contribute to your long-term happiness as well. That could be a better option as well. And I’m actually very curious. You say that you have already cut off the friends who did drugs with you, I guess the dealer as well. Have you forgiven them?

[00:22:04] Alvin:

To be frank, for a period of time, I was blaming them. But I realized that actually I also have a part to play. So just see everything as due to causes and conditions. So just move on. Cause if you keep dwelling, having anger towards them, then you’re actually still trapping yourself in the past. Just have compassion for them as well, because they don’t have the Right View. They don’t have the merits to encounter the Buddha’s teaching. That’s why they are actually doing something that they think is right, but actually it’s wrong. In the future, they have to bear the consequences of their actions as well. So they deserve compassion and empathy more than anger.

[00:22:43] Cheryl:

That’s very wise words as well, because at the end of the day, no matter how people manifest in their actions, no matter how evil, how selfish, or how unpleasant it is, everyone is really just seeking happiness in the ways that they know how. It’s unfortunate that people sometimes seek this happiness through ways that cause them more harm because Kamma is the action and intention and the results of this action and intention will always be by your side. You will always be related to this Kamma. You always be associated with this Kamma. You always be with this Kamma. Whether it’s good or bad, you have to bear its results. So in a way, you’re right, they deserve compassion a lot more than they deserve anger. It’s very, very wise of you and very compassionate of you to be able to notice that, and I rejoice with your wisdom.

We’ve come to the end of this episode. Thank you so much for sharing on a topic that not many have experienced, but yet also relating to. I guess that’s the humanness of all of us, the suffering that all of us share together in wanting to be happy, and trying to find the best ways to be happy as well.

To our listeners, I hope you’ve learned a thing or two and you’re able to apply some of these gems of wisdom and compassion in your own lives. If you enjoyed this episode, please give us a five-star rating on Spotify and share this with your friends. Until the next episode, stay happy and wise.

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Editor and transcriber of this episode: Cheryl Cheah, Susara Ng, Ke Hui Tee

2 life lessons we glimpsed from the meditator Ng Kok Song

2 life lessons we glimpsed from the meditator Ng Kok Song

by | Aug 30, 2023 | Mindfulness & Meditation, Read, Work, finance, productivity

Editor’s note: During this Presidential Election, HOL is dedicated to fostering understanding and learning from a variety of interactions, rather than endorsing a particular political figure. We maintain an impartial stance and do not advocate for any candidate. Quotations have been abridged for clarity and grammar.

Ng Kok Song, one of the presidential hopefuls, is an advocate for meditation – a practice not often mentioned openly in the Singapore context.

Mr Ng meditating with the Late Lee Kuan Yew
CR: https://mustsharenews.com/ng-kok-song/

Here are 2 life lessons we have taken away from Mr Ng’s life journey.

1. Bring mindfulness to work & life

Photo Credit: Shin Min Daily

Mr Ng believes that youths can benefit from practising meditation, which he said can give them “inner peace” and address mental health issues. 

Mr Ng credits meditation as one of his greatest supports during challenging times at work. Mr Ng, a Christian meditator for over 30 years, meditates twice daily and has openly encouraged colleagues to take up the practice. As part of his priorities if elected as President, he also hopes “to raise the consciousness of mental health, and to encourage as many people as possible to come together.”

As Mr Ng shared, “Most of us tend to perceive reality distorted by our perceptions and egos. We tend to confirm our own biases. By transcending the ego, we are better able to receive reality as it is.”

This ability to move beyond entitlement was evident to our writer PJ Teh, a young GIC officer who met Mr Ng. Despite his seniority, Mr Ng took time to ask how PJ was and thank him – an uncommon humility in the high office of the corporate world.

Even the famously driven Mr Lee Kuan Yew wanted to learn meditation after seeing Mr Ng’s serenity, asking him to teach “meditation for the final stage of life and serenity of mind.“

Sustaining and walking the talk of meditation is a high bar; being able to teach your boss mindfulness (Mr Lee was on the board of GIC previously), is at a new level.

2. Approaching death with equanimity

Mr Ng cared for his wife in her final 19 months, calling it “the happiest time of our lives together because we knew time was short.” This echoes Ajahn Brahm’s teaching to smile at life’s impermanence like the end of a beautiful concert.

When a concert is over, we do not cry but rather smile at how lovely the concert was. Our role as caregivers is not to cure but to care and be present.

Having meditated together daily, Mr Ng said his late wife faced terminal cancer with equanimity. As he put it, “I cannot suffer for her but I can be by her side.” This points to meditation as training to let go of attachments and relax into impermanence, and respecting every moment as the most important moment.

Learning to meditate is like learning to die. The idea of dropping all possessions, views, and desires because you cannot take them along. Through that daily practice, we cling less to our views of how things should and should not be.

Mr Ng also shared that being loved helps overcome the fear of death. This connects strongly to the Buddhist principle of metta or loving-kindness – for ourselves and others – as support even at life’s end. 

It was amazing to connect the dots between meditation, death, and love in a person’s life story.

Conclusion

Mr Ng’s life lessons showcase how daily mindfulness can imbue work and equip us to face life’s hardest times with grace. To weather life’s storms, we must build our roof beams strong through regular practice.