Ep 73: Retiring from Singapore Elite Special Forces to Buddhist Monk ft. Venerable Drachom

Ep 73: Retiring from Singapore Elite Special Forces to Buddhist Monk ft. Venerable Drachom

hthttps://youtu.be/_mbkJojD0kw

Summary

Can you become fearless not by becoming stronger, but by learning to love more deeply?

In this thought-provoking conversation, Ven Drachom explores what it means to move beyond fear and develop a deeper relationship with compassion, courage, discipline, and suffering. Drawing from his experiences as a former SEAL-trained anti-terrorist commando and his Buddhist spiritual practice, he offers a very different perspective on what it means to become a spiritual warrior.

Rather than seeing fear as something that must simply be defeated, Ven Drachom describes a transformation in which fear gradually gives way to love. The goal is not to become emotionally numb or invulnerable. Instead, it is to develop the inner strength to meet difficult experiences without immediately reacting to them.

Ven Drachom speaks about responding to difficult people and difficult circumstances from a place of love rather than irritation, anger, or fear. That is a challenging practice. It asks us to pause before reacting and consider another possibility: What would happen if, instead of allowing someone’s behaviour to create more negativity within us, we responded with compassion?

This idea can be applied far beyond spiritual practice. In everyday relationships, disagreements, work, family situations, and moments of uncertainty, we constantly have opportunities to choose between reacting from fear and responding from a deeper sense of compassion.

One of the central themes of this conversation is that real transformation happens gradually. Fearlessness isn’t simply something we decide to have one morning. Compassion, courage, discipline, and awareness are qualities that develop through practice. The journey is therefore not about becoming a person who never feels fear. It is about becoming someone who doesn’t have to be controlled by fear. And perhaps that is the deeper meaning behind becoming a spiritual warrior: not fighting the world, but learning to transform what happens inside us.


About the Speaker

👤 Venerable Tenzin Drachom is a Singaporean Buddhist monk whose extraordinary life has taken him from the front lines of Singapore’s Special Forces to the path of spiritual practice. Before becoming a monk, Ven. Drachom spent 32 years in the Singapore Armed Forces as a Special Forces commando. He was part of the team that stormed Singapore Airlines Flight SQ117 during the 1991 hijacking, an operation that rescued all the hostages and was completed in just 30 seconds. He also underwent some of the military’s most demanding training, including the US Navy SEAL course, and served as an instructor who trained generations of officer cadets.

Yet behind this formidable military career was a lifelong connection to Buddhism. Raised in a Buddhist family, Ven. Drachom began practising in his teens and continued to deepen his practice throughout his years in the military. After retiring from the SAF in 2013, he travelled to Dharamsala, India, where he began his monastic journey. He was later ordained by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and received the name Tenzin Drachom. Today, he draws on the same discipline, resilience and mental training that shaped his military career to cultivate wisdom, compassion an


Key Takeaways

🦁 I’m not afraid anymore

Fear doesn’t have to determine how we live, respond, or relate to others.

❤️ You replace all the fear with love

The conversation explores love and compassion as a powerful alternative to fear and reactivity.

🛡️ Whether it’s something difficult, whether it’s something unpleasant, he always had that let’s go kind of attitude.

Courage means developing the willingness to face difficulty rather than automatically running away from it.


Transcript

Full Transcript

[00:00:00] Ven Drachom: Easy, even possible to get enlightened. Do you know what it takes to become a Buddha? This man tortured me for 19 years. I’m so afraid the day he kill me, I can’t generate love for them. I pray that I receive everyone’s suffering forever, even in hell. Then I give all my happiness to them. If I die this way, I got no regret. As long as someone is a human being, a being ascension with a mind, there definitely potential of suffering. And you wish, you know, I will receive then you from the very depth of your heart. Those suffering come or something like that. Come. Come. And I command you to come.

[00:00:38] Cheryl: I’m really curious. You speak a lot about your teacher.

[00:00:42] Ven Drachom: Yeah.

[00:00:42] Cheryl: I’m curious to understand what did your teacher and your practice teach you that the special forces couldn’t?

[00:00:47] Ven Drachom: Well, you use the metaphor here. The special forces were really physical, able to shoot very straight. You cannot miss. There’s a target. So, obviously one is very mundane in nature, one is about talking about the secrecy of your mind, to know the secrecy of the mind. They are gradually power that bring you up to the particular mind that you see the true nature of your mind. So, I got 32 teacher, but some are very close. So, I got 32 of them. Not saying that you only need to have 32 teacher. Just find one good one in the beginning that you able to understand the nature of the meaning of the what he say. I think it’s very important. I think in Singapore, many people are wanting to do so. A lot of people look around how to but they don’t have a gradual path. So, the teaching that were I receive is like this. It’s called the gradual path to enlightenment. So, it’s called Lamrim common path, uncommon path. These are all the teaching of the Buddha. This is called the turning the wheel of Dharma mudra, turning far lung soaring. So, the teaching of the Buddha, then is sequential. There’s nothing called which one higher, lower. It’s which one comes first, which one comes later. So, like you build this building I’m at right now. You cannot build this level three without building level one or foundation. If you think that you The you want to practice level three without level one and two, you will never get any success because there’s no foundation for you to go. So, when we talk about this system, then the teaching of the Buddha is arranged like that. Level one, two, three, four, five. So, this is the Pali tradition. This is a Sanskrit tradition. I don’t like to use the word Hinayana Mahayana. Make someone this higher than this. No. This come first or everything. Whoever practice Mahayana don’t have the basis of Hinayana practice garbage. You need to have these and these and that. So, what is the practice here? Taking refuge, keeping a five precept, practicing the 10 virtue section and abandon the 10 non-virtue section. Then from here to achieve the fruit of next life, you have a good rebirth rate again. But some people just can’t handle this amount of time to invest to transform their mind. So, I want to list some side I want to become a Arahat Pratyekabuddha. Then they practice the three higher training. They think of the suffering of even a higher realm in samsara by nature. They see the traveling of dependent arising. They meditate on the 51 mental factor. And they realize that the mental factor traveling, the mental factor of the link of craving and grasping being the most important. You know, don’t crave, don’t grasp, you cannot ripen all those imprint and that link that will make you suffer practice the thing. So, by cutting seeing that wisdom realizing correctly, they achieve the fruit of a Arahat Pratyekabuddha. Then basic based on that there’s certain people but at a certain point of their lives then Buddha let’s say they achieve Arahat. Then Buddha knock at the door, “Oi, there’s someone suffering. How?” They oh, really? Then they quite quiet. They come back to practice the So, like that one, two. Then they come to join the Mahayana teaching. The Mahayana teaching got this motivation. May I become a Buddha to free everyone from suffering. So, what I I I achieve enlightenment? How about the rest of other people? I want to free every one single one from suffering. This where they start to think, “Is that even possible or not?” So, the Buddha say, “First must think is it even possible to get enlightened?” So, that’s the real first question. Someone practicing Mahayana Sutrayana Mahayana Vajrayana. Then you will ask those people a teacher want to check the student say, “So, you say you want to become a Buddha. Is it possible? Why possible?” So, they ask, “Why you want to become Buddha. Feel good, no? I like to become Buddha. Everybody puts fruits. Oh, nice flower thing. So, you want to become Buddha? Do you know what it takes to become a Buddha? Why you need Buddha? What you are willing to go through? So, Mahakashyapa hear that want to become a Buddha. The concept of Buddhism you offer everyone, he fainted. He said, “No, this I can’t do.” Kashyapa, you know? You know? Buddha disciple. Maha Jassa, you know? Incredible, you know? Shuku Singo, you know? He said thing he fainted, you know?

[00:04:18] Cheryl: Mhm.

[00:04:20] Ven Drachom: So, maybe some of us got coming in brain. Then you say I want to become a Buddha. Then this where you where when you start to take the Bodhisattva vow, and then you practice the six perfection. That will bring you a 10 ground Bodhisattva. But that’s still not enough. When we talk about Buddha, we talk about the four body. The wisdom body, and then the form body. And these two form body, Rupakaya and Dharmakaya, can be divided into sub parts.

[00:04:40] Cheryl: I’m curious also in your own personal experience, because you say you know it’s step by step, right? So, how did you kind of as it from a practicing lay Buddhist then, decide to take the next step to become a monastic, and then step by step going forward?

[00:04:55] Ven Drachom: Once you find your teacher, right? And you find a very unmistaken teacher, and you take her take his advice at that. Since you don’t know, you need to hear someone know better than you, all right, you know? If you find a very unmistaken teacher, then it become very easier. You just follow what he tell you to do. Then you just do do the thing.

[00:05:11] Cheryl: So, it’s trust in your teacher.

[00:05:12] Ven Drachom: Yeah, trust in the teacher. Singing of his quality, his kindness. Because of my soldiering background, I decided that we all die one day, one quite clear.

[00:05:19] Cheryl: Mhm.

[00:05:20] Ven Drachom: No one don’t die one. Everybody will die. So, when I die, must have no fear, no regret. Die pretty happy. I done whatever I can. So, I pray. I pray that I receive everyone’s suffering forever, even in hell. Then I give all my happiness to them. Then if I die this way, I got no regret. So, when I suffer, I got no I got no problem in suffering, because I’m taking other people’s one. I truly mean it. Now I take your suffering. So, through the blessing to other thing, you have to from your own side, all right? Say that is this the best I can do right now for others? Then you start to because in the long run it’s very structured. So, he’s able to bring you from beginning knowing that, okay, what are the main thing you need to know that in permanent perfect human rebirth karma suffering a lower realm taking refuge then the three higher training with the 12 link then sequentially bring you even the suffering of thing then you create aversion here in samsara. I always cheat myself. Then this is the real enemy right now because of my open my big fat mouth I always challenge her.

[00:06:13] Cheryl: I’m actually very curious. Just now you said like how do we you were you take on everyone’s suffering. Yeah. How do you do that without getting overwhelmed?

[00:06:22] Ven Drachom: You you have to start with small bit first, all right? This called lojong. It’s one of the main dondar of a bodhisattva practice. To generate bodhicitta there’s two method. The seven point one one effect and another one like that. It’s called object love compassion. As long as someone is a human being, a being, a sentient with a mind, they definitely potential of suffering and you wish, you know, I will receive then you from the very depth of your heart I will take. I will take. And you determine. And then you don’t think anymore already come back. Like you have to be so determined. This is what the great bodhisattva they do.

[00:06:57] Cheryl: And how’s the experience? So, when you take in you feel all of that pain? So, there’s a visualization we do. You

[00:07:02] Ven Drachom: Imagine going inside here you destroy yourself cherishing. So, it’s like if someone kill you because of certain things that my teacher tell me affect me very very much. So, I got 32 teachers. One of the teachers was caught by the Tibet the Chinese in 59. They went to the prison Gulag. They were tortured for 19 years. Our forefather he told Tenzin Gyatso hey, you you want to open up China if you continue doing this all right you’re not going to open up. Do the absolute what you need to do. Those not necessary let go. So, he decided to let go all the prisoner inside the thing. So, my teacher got released. They went to see my my main ordination master he’s on the Dalai Lama. So, he is on the list ask my teacher so what was the the most difficult thing you all experienced you are most fearful of in the prison?” So, they told this one thing maybe some form of torturing technique or whatever. So, among the group they say this, “This man this group of men who tortured me for 19 years, I’m so afraid the day he kill me, I can’t generate love for them.” So, right now someone just scold you a bit, give you a black face, or you cannot take it. So, I take that as a standard I want. She tortured me 19 years. He going to kill me. I’m most afraid I can’t love him. Yeah, I want to bring him to enlightenment. Now, that’s the standard we’re talking about, right? I will do some puja, I will give some food. I want to become quite lower right now. I’m not saying people lower, but for me, right? Don’t go lower, go higher already. I told you double double tall. Come on, I want to do do bigger. No big don’t do. Jumbo lie down. No suffering come or something like that. Come. Come. I command you to come. Those great practitioners do not do puja. You know you do prayer. Oh, I’m so sick or I do prayer or a few signals. Now, you do puja to say, “May I take all your suffering?” Ah, that’s a different right now.

[00:08:44] Cheryl: And it’s very interesting because it’s very counterintuitive as well. Most people see suffering, they run away. What more taking and welcoming and embracing other people’s uh

[00:08:52] Ven Drachom: Ah, this is a different. The bodhisattva are like firemen, you know? When fire come, everybody run out. But the firemen go in.

[00:08:57] Cheryl: That’s true.

[00:08:58] Ven Drachom: Let’s go back. I already decided watching rule for high do zhong sheng. Then run with the For the very first time when you practice, all right? There’s something inside there that suddenly become awaken, alive, all right? For the very first time, there’s the freshness in your thought. Wow.

[00:09:17] Cheryl: Can you tell us more about that first time?

[00:09:19] Ven Drachom: Buddha taught two category of dharma. So, one of the dharma is parable. So, in one of the life, all right? The Buddha was a was a crow. So, there was a big big big big big fire, you know? So, everybody was running out. The animal running out. But the crow was running in, you know? Flying in. Then they all tell him, “Why are you going in when everybody is going out?” He say, “I got a jar of water in my beak. I want to put out the fire to feed one from suffering. Wow. Now, this is our determination unit. So, when you meet the un-mistaken teacher, they got this our quality, you’re going to follow suit. You will meet a teacher tonsure pastor, you also become tonsure pastor, lah. No pain, no gain, no do, no get. Something cannot become nothing and nothing cannot become something, it’s quite clear, cause and effect. So, we all wish for money to come. You never give how you’re going to receive.

[00:10:01] Cheryl: So,

[00:10:02] Ven Drachom: Mhm.

[00:10:02] Cheryl: For someone living a normal life today, right? Average person, how can they start becoming a spiritual warrior in their own way? Okay, good. In their own way, when you say the first rule to become even learn to take the thing is first not to anything that harm your own mind. Because in the longer term, if you do not live a ethical life, all right? You will not be able to do whatever. You will be not be supported by ethics. Ethics is like the ground for everything to grow. So, for a spiritual warrior, so beginning, first keep the five precept, do the 10 virtuous section. At a certain point of time, then think, whatever I do, try to have the concept of sharing. I try to share 50/50. In a certain point, I love to share everything with other people. I got no problem. Then slowly, slowly, slowly, think more, analyze a little bit more. Is this the best I can do for others? Pause for a while. When you eat food, let’s say I [snorts] go to a nice place eat food, because I’m vegan. I don’t eat onion, garlic. I don’t take dinner. Means I go overseas, all right? It’s a little bit tricky, but I say it’s my choice, all right? Because when I know why monks don’t eat after dinner, because the chewing of the food, the sound, make all those hungry ghosts celebrate and they suffer. I don’t want them to suffer. No one need to suffer because I need to live. Then we can speak less, all right? Will be much useful. Because you will think more. Because by thinking correctly, what can I do for others? Then they will say, “Mhm, maybe I try to do this. At least I don’t harm them verbally.” So, the the five precept and the 10 virtuous section sort of got you already. Even we do this very well, then we say warrior. So, the very first time, you are first level warriors, warrior against your gross habit. Mhm. You haven’t touched the inner one, huh? The self-cherishing, self-grasping, huh? Mhm.

[00:11:34] Ven Drachom: Still the gross one still. Can do that, then slowly go in. First you have to pray to find your teacher. Your teacher that is a warrior one, then you can become warrior. If your teacher not warrior, cannot become warrior. Sorry.

[00:11:44] Cheryl: Mhm.

[00:11:44] Ven Drachom: You see, huh? A bunch of lion led by a goat, no, can only become goat. Clear? A bunch of goat led by lion, all the goat behave like lion. Clear?

[00:11:53] Cheryl: Yes. And you’re saying that um to find a teacher, prayers and aspirations would be enough?

[00:12:00] Ven Drachom: Yeah. You pray. You pray to find your teacher, you will come. You pray, “May I find a teacher I can communicate, got all these requirement, can lead me completely to full enlightenment.” And it might come immediately. Don’t come all like 10 years later or what. It will come immediately tomorrow.

[00:12:12] Cheryl: Wow.

[00:12:13] Ven Drachom: You must think like that. Then the thing will come. Because this is the aspiration, and these are the cause and effect. Without create cause, you don’t get the effect, what?

[00:12:19] Cheryl: Mhm.

[00:12:19] Ven Drachom: Many people did not know that this simple cause and You stand at McDonald’s where the people give food, they say “Good morning, sir. Good morning, sir.” Then you must say “I want one whatever meal.” Then the thing come, right, no?

[00:12:27] Cheryl: Right.

[00:12:28] Ven Drachom: Cause and effect. Come on.

[00:12:29] Cheryl: It makes

[00:12:30] Ven Drachom: Yeah, later we’ll go lunch or we’ll sit there. The people look at us.

[00:12:35] Cheryl: No cause.

[00:12:36] Ven Drachom: No, you you have to do something, right, no? So finding a teacher become very important. We don’t have a lot of time left. Whatever the time left in your life, make it as you useful as yourself. If a thought make you become negative, not so good, let go of it. Remember the rubber band. Couple of breath. Take three deep breath. You should be quite good. Three deep breath able to make it. Get a big hot water, drink, then you feel pretty good again. I think that would be quite useful. To become a warrior. So when you warrior, when you come out here, the first thing is you go you must draw for a soldier. Especially for every Monday we go to the range and shoot. The first thing we do is to make sure you check our gun or weapon or what. So when you come to in relation to this or that, every morning we wake up with the motivation, “May whoever see me never ever suffer. May I bring them to enlightenment.” You tell like that. It’s like drawing a weapon, really.

[00:13:17] Cheryl: Mhm.

[00:13:17] Ven Drachom: Then you go out. I will take everyone’s suffering forever. Because this strength of ascertainment must be so powerful, you can overcome every adverse negative thought people say one. Like some people do most irritating thing to you. You say regarding irritating you do I will forever love you. Decided already. So you come from a point of ascertainment rather than kind of what the guy decide then you try to know what I mean. Sifu tell me cannot. Must love the person. Then you’re struggling you become negatively affected already. But now you come from the point of ascertainment I already decided you come

[00:13:46] Cheryl: Mhm.

[00:13:47] Ven Drachom: You come from the point I really know what to do already. That’s different. So you’re creating rather than reacting. So Dharma is a lot of creation, creating fresh fresh fresh fresh. Reacting means the thing will happen now. Sifu say some prayer for you. Sifu say don’t worry you will be okay. Also depend how much you can receive now. Whether you got how much of the comic connection you have with the teacher. If the teacher you got faith then quite easy. It will definitely work. The radio station always broadcast one. It’s just that when you go out on a boat whoever never tune in it’s not you know you do your job already correct? You go and do a bit of editing you do all the thing. Then what happen next? If you broadcast out people never tune in it’s not your fault what? It’s the person never tune in what? Then they tune in then they get the whatever they can understand. Whoever see me today all right never go lower realm. I pray this way.

[00:14:28] Cheryl: Oh.

[00:14:29] Ven Drachom: Whoever is here never go lower realm. Cannot go lower realm. Cannot forever. Cannot go. If you ever think that you’re going you think of me I will go for on your behalf. This is my promise.

[00:14:38] Cheryl: Thank you so much Pen Cin Drashom.

[00:14:40] Ven Drachom: Yeah thank you.

[00:14:40] Cheryl: For your wisdom.

[00:14:41] Ven Drachom: You will probably likely whatever you do if you say take out your homework then we will know where are you already. It’s a very structured one. You never do that trading means you don’t have that thing. If you have that means you’re going to have that thing. Every effect come from a proper cause. Then if you don’t have the particular proper cause all right so the cause is like listening to the unmistakable. So you work hard. You are young. Young all right? The most 30 maybe 20 plus. So relatively young so you will continue for the next 30 years. Next time you come up here you talk all right? After 30 years I remember when we say I come on live up. I’m not afraid anymore. I have no more fear because I got love. You replace all the fear with love. Understand or not? Whoever make you irritated, love them even deeper. You melt them through your power of your love. You throw them in your your lake of compassion. Let them drown there and they bliss out.

[00:15:36] Cheryl: I had a lot of takeaways speaking to Venerable Tenzin Drakpa and the main one is regarding how we hold the precepts as a practicing Buddhist and yet he was tasked to kill the terrorist. What shocked me about the way he holds his precepts is about looking at the bigger picture. What is the purpose? What is the objective? What from my conversation with him was that he was very brave. Whether it’s something difficult, whether it’s something unpleasant, he always had that let’s go, let’s go kind of attitude and that really reminds me to be brave whenever I have defilements that sometimes scare me, sometimes terrify me, such as loneliness, such as insecurities. And and I think I will be taking that from this conversation. So, what about you? What will you be taking away from this conversation? Let us know in the comments below and see you in the next episode. Bye-bye.


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Why Birthdays Don’t Feel the Same Anymore

Why Birthdays Don’t Feel the Same Anymore

TLDR: Birthdays used to sting with too much waiting, comparing, and expecting. Then I learned that the best gift you can receive is the one you give back. Now every birthday, I trade candles for meaningful causes that speak to my heart from walking, fundraising, singing, and now writing. Giving back now has become the greatest birthday celebration for me to remember.

Why Birthdays Don't Feel the Same Anymore

Shortly after Halloween came my birthday. With it, the cycle of self-pity starts.

Year after year, I would torment myself with thoughts like, Why didn’t I get the gift I wanted? Why didn’t this person wish me a happy birthday? I gave such a beautiful present and surprise for someone else, and why wasn’t the same done for me?

It was all ego, comparison, and a pile of expectations wrapped up in a single day.

One that, truthfully, seven billion other people didn’t care about.

By the time I turned 24, I stopped celebrating altogether. I kept my birthday off social media. Sometimes, I even avoided posting reflections about spending it alone in a foreign city, blowing out a candle on a cake I’d bought just for myself.

I would tell myself that this was a strength, that someone would notice, that someone would see how I didn’t “need” anyone to celebrate with me. But deep down, it still hurts.

Flipping the Script on My Birthday into Giving Back

Then one day, I read Eat, Pray, Love. Something inside me shifted as the story unfolded about how Liz uses her birthday to raise money for a Balinese traditional healer named Wayan.

I realised birthdays didn’t have to be about waiting for gifts or surprises. They could be about giving (gifting) back.

Inspired, I started what I now call my “Birthday Gift Back.” It began in 2012, after I walked 375km from Bangkok to the Thai-Burmese border to raise funds for anti-human trafficking.

Since then, every birthday has become a chance to turn receiving into giving. Instead of being the center of attention, I use my “birth” day to support causes I believe in.

375 km on foot from Bangkok to the Burmese border with my fellow walkers.

I’ve transformed every one of my birthdays into what I call my “Birthday Gift Back.” Rather than focusing the day on myself, I use it as an opportunity to contribute to others.

The idea is simple, yet impactful: on the very day when people expect to be showered with gifts and attention, we can flip the script. We “gift” back.

We receive less so that those with greater needs can receive more.

Over the years, I’ve shared my Gift Back journeys through social media posts and updates. Each year, I tell a new story of where the donations went, who they supported, and the difference they made.

What started as something deeply personal slowly grew into a ripple. A few friends began following in my footsteps. Some even told me they’d been doing something similar on their own.

It reminded me of the Buddha’s words:

“If beings knew, as I know, the results of giving and sharing, they would not eat without having given, nor would the stain of stinginess overcome their minds.”
The Buddha (Itivuttaka 26)

In those moments, I understood what the Buddha meant on how generosity nourishes not just the receiver, but also the giver. The more I gave, the lighter I felt. The more I shared, the more joy seemed to return. Joy that multiplied in quiet and unexpected ways.

To me, every donation is like lighting a candle. One alone was small, but together they created light waves. It became a celebration that unfolded daily in November, in the ways I followed up with donors, shared updates, and tracked the impact.

The act of giving brought me so much joy, because it meant the attention was no longer on me.

Instead, attention was flowing into meaningful causes, sparking conversations about the issues I cared about, and channelling energy into communities that need it most.

The Hard Work Behind the Happiness

Honestly, it’s far more work than hosting a birthday party. There’s the planning, the supermarket runs, the heavy lifting of goods, the trips to children’s homes, and the careful documentation of every receipt — because I believe in 100% transparency to donors.

Then there’s gratitude: thanking every donor, tagging them, making sure they know that their kindness mattered a lot to me.

Yes, it takes time and energy.

It also fills me with something a party never could — a sense that my birthday isn’t about one day of attention, but about creating ripples of change that last long after the birthday candles are blown out.

I’ll never forget a year when I received a substantial amount of donations but couldn’t possibly carry all the necessities myself. By chance, I met an American girl at a Free Bird Café in Chiang Mai. I asked if she could help me. Without hesitation, she agreed.

For me, I feel, “When you want something good for others, the world conspires to help you.”

At that moment, I understood what Paulo Coelho wrote in The Alchemist:

“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

Illness cannot stop generosity

As my health began to decline, I realised that if I wanted to continue my Gift Back movement, I had to get creative.

An illness forced me to slow down, but it didn’t silence the part of me that longed to serve, to give, and to uplift. It nudged me to find new ways of offering from where I was.

When I was going through cancer at 33, I launched a campaign I called “Raise $3,300 in 33 Days for 3 Charities.” It was my way of turning hardship into hope. Each dollar raised felt like a seed planted. Every seed carried the potential to grow into something far bigger than my illness.

Another year, I created “4(For) Monk 2(To) Teach & Travel,” a campaign supporting Bhante Akaliko’s Dhamma teaching trips to Malaysia and Australia. I had the honour of travelling with him from Singapore into Malaysia, serving as his kappiya (short for kappiya-kāraka, a monk’s assistant).

Being by his side and watching him spread Dhamma and lead retreats, I reflected that generosity is not just about money. It’s also about time, presence, and the willingness to support something meaningful.

Before health became an obstacle, I poured myself into another campaign I called “34 Good Deeds” on my 34th birthday. That year, I performed one of the good deeds in the form of a charity concert to raise funds for a school supporting Burmese refugees in Southern Thailand. 

A dear friend generously sponsored the venue, giving me a stage to fulfil my birthday Gift Back. Standing under the lights, singing each song with intention, I felt every note carry a meaning far deeper than entertainment.

Looking back, that night remains one of the most fulfilling and unforgettable memories of my giving journey.

Reflecting on my birthdays, I see a common thread running through all these efforts: illness may have changed my pace, but it never diminished my desire to “gift”.

If anything, being ill deepened the desire. Service doesn’t always have to look the same: it can evolve, adapt, and flow with what is given.

Do what you can with what you have at where you are. It’s a motto I keep close to my heart.

The charity concert I performed when I was 34. Together we raised funds that truly made a difference.
The publicity poster I designed for my 42nd Birthday Gift Back Campaign.

The publicity poster I designed for my 35th Birthday Gift Back Campaign.

One of the most memorable Gift Backs was when I travelled to Khura Buri, a small town in southern Thailand near the Burmese coastline. For my 35th birthday, I dedicated 35 hours (though it could have been much more) to volunteering at the school I had raised funds for back in 2013. 

It was deeply moving to witness the impact of where those donations went — the bright smiles of the children, the education that opened their world, even the simple but essential lessons like learning how to brush their teeth with confidence.

Seeing how lovingly each student was cared for made my heart swell. It felt as if the “gift back” had come full circle, returning in the form of pure, innocent joy.

My Body Is Weak, but My Friends’ Generosity Keep Me Going

Of course, I couldn’t resist reaching out to my friends for support once again.

Thanks to their generosity, we were able to provide milk, stationery, toothpaste, toothbrushes —  all the small but essential items the children needed. I even went ahead with a playful idea to create school uniforms in rainbow colours, each shade representing a different age group or grade.

Those few weeks of volunteering as a teacher brought me immense happiness. Watching the children’s smiles, steeping in their energy, and simply being part of their world filled me up with joy.

Even now, I sometimes wonder how they’ve grown, where life has taken them, and whether they would still remember me.

Taking a break from the lesson and soaking in the pure joy with the children.

The new school uniforms I initiated in different colors, made possible by my friends’ donations.
The last day of my volunteering work when I took a group photo with each class. This is one of the four classes I taught.

Looking back now, my birthdays are no longer about self-pity. They’ve become milestones filled with meaning and purpose.

Soon it will be my birthday, and this year feels different.

Not because of the number on the calendar, but because it marks the start of a new chapter.

Living with the inability to eat, along with the many complications of this disability, has weakened my body in countless ways.

Yet, through all of this, my spiritual endeavors refuse to be dimmed.

My Dhamma work remains my anchor—steady, grounding, and unwavering. Guiding me through each wave of challenge with purpose and clarity.

My 45th birthday ‘Gift Back’ campaign poster

For my 45th birthday Gift Back this year, I created a campaign called “For(4) Me to Fight (5).” The “4” was for me, but the “5” carried a double meaning: it stood for writing, and also for fight — the fight I carried forward through my words.

This year, turning 45, I like to honour my journey as a queer Buddhist writer.

Writing became my medium, a way to process pain while offering something meaningful to others.

For the past year, I have found myself reflecting on my health and the limits it brings. I no longer have the same strength or energy to be at the forefront of sharing and doing the Dhamma work the way I once did.

Perhaps that’s life’s gentle way of guiding me towards a new path. Writing has become a beautiful way to stay connected, to keep giving, sharing, and serving, even from behind the scenes.

Even when my body struggled, my voice could still reach out, connect, and give back through writing.

Now, I want to share them more widely, to give back to the community that has inspired me, and to queer vulnerable folks still searching for belonging in spiritual spaces. 

So instead of birthday gifts, I invite you to celebrate with me through my writings:

  • Subscribe to my Substack, read my articles and reflections — and if your heart (and pocket) allows, consider pledging as a supporter:
    👉 kyleneo.substack.com
  • Support the Dharma Kueen Mini Zine — sponsor its printing and distribution to the LGBTQ+ community:
    👉 dharmakueen.com/minizine
  • Explore my books on my website — if one speaks to your heart, bring it home:
    👉 dharmakueen.com

Your support amplifies queer Dhamma voices, helping to build a more inclusive spiritual space. A space where Buddhism and queerness don’t just coexist, but shine together.

Through my writing, I hope to build a more inclusive and universal space of connection, where even those outside the LGBTQ+ community can find resonance.

After all, the heart of Dhamma is awakening. That journey belongs to all of us, no matter who we are or whom we love.

This year, my birthday wish is simple: may no one, and no mind, be left behind.

Originally published in Substack under Birthdays don’t feel the same anymore. Edited for Handful Of Leaves.


Wise Steps

  • Flip the Spotlight: On your next birthday (or any day), turn “What can I get?” into “What can I give?”
  • Give from Where You Are: Whether through time, presence, or words. Adapt generosity to your capacity.
  • Let Your Light Ripple: Every act of giving, however small, becomes part of a larger wave of compassion that outlasts any candle flame.
 A Cup Half Held: What My Almost-Lover Taught Me About Letting Go

 A Cup Half Held: What My Almost-Lover Taught Me About Letting Go

TLDR: Situationships can sometimes leave deeper wounds than breakups, because there is no clear beginning or ending to grieve. Through the lens of the Dhamma, this author shares their personal struggles in navigating a painful experience, and how they came to understand that craving and clinging prolong suffering.

I drown my pillow in tears, hoping sleep will come and take me back to our smiles and laughter, if only in my dreams.
And when I awake, I lay flowers at the tombstone of the memories that we never dared to name.

He Chose You. Then He Didn’t.

He texted first.
Replied fast.
Kept the energy steady.

He flirted like you were the only woman in the world.
He made you feel seen. Wanted. Special.
And, somewhere along the way, you believed him.

So you lowered your guard.
You opened the softest parts of yourself.
and you let him in.

Then, it changed.

The texts slowed.
The flirting faded.
The laughter grew scarce, then disappeared.
The conversations about everything and nothing – absurd and spilling endlessly into the late nights – were no more.

He must be busy. He should rest. He needs space.
So you stepped back. You softened the questions. You made excuses for him.
Because deep down, you were afraid of the truth: You were losing him.

He didn’t end things. After all, what’s there to end?
He simply faded…
And left you holding a broken cup – still leaking as you trace the crack with your thumb, wondering where it came from.

The flashbacks.
The love-bombing.
The emotional high.
The breadcrumbs turned into a slow withdrawal.
The deafening silence.

He made you feel like everything, then left you feeling like nothing. Or worse, disrespected. Used.

That kind of damage lingers. It makes you turn the knife inward: Did I do something wrong? Say too much? Was I not enough?

But here’s the truth: You were genuine. You showed up with an open heart.

He didn’t.

I Asked, and the Silence Answered

 A Cup Half Held: What My Almost-Lover Taught Me About Letting Go

Last year, I finally gathered my courage with shaking hands and asked, “So… what are we?”

We had shared playlists like secret diaries. Late-night suppers with laughter soft as candlelight. Texts that felt like small prayers whispered into the dark. We were careful not to touch the word for it. No labels meant no expectations, right?
So why did it hurt like this when it ended?

There was no anniversary to mourn. No ring to return. Barely any photographs, a few sunsets, fragments of almosts. But still, the ache cut deeper than some “real” endings.

How can something that was never named take your heart with it when it goes?

Situationships hurt.

They hurt because of the uncertainty. With no clear beginning, there is no clean ending. The heart grieves a future it built out of light – bright enough to believe in, weightless enough to vanish the moment you reach for it. In the Dhamma, this is tanha (craving) and upadana (clinging), the mind grasping at a pleasant feeling and the story that keeps it warm.
They hurt because of inconsistency. Sweet one day, distant the next, baiting the heart to chase a mirage. Papanca (mental proliferation) blooms. You reread messages until the letters blur.

They hurt because it was never named. You behaved like partners without being acknowledged as one. Without a name, the mind writes one on your skin so you feel safe. But the questions keep coming: “Am I imagining things?” “Am I not worth naming?” Ditthi (views) knot around the self, and his withdrawal feels like a verdict on my self-worth and dignity.
They hurt because of the ache of potential. You’re left holding the what-ifs like broken glass. We could have… but didn’t. “At least we tried” is a door I can’t turn the handle of: There was no goodbye. No closing ritual. Only silence.

The grief is quiet and invisible. “But you weren’t even together,” they say. So the pain goes underground, turning bedrooms into caves.

To be treated as precious, called a princess, only to realise the tiara was never meant to be yours to keep.
An unshareable sorrow: I was left alone on the highway with memories that felt too real and words that meant nothing.

Not a breakup. But somehow, this is worse. Because there is nothing “real” to grieve about.

Through the Dhamma Lens: Craving Is Not the Same as Love

The Buddha taught that dukkha (suffering) arises when we take what is unstable to be solid, and what is not ours to be “me” or “mine.” Situationships rest on moving sand, hence the fall is harder.

He would also look to cetana (intention). Buddhist ethics are not about labels, but about the quality of heart and the effects of our actions. Ambiguity can shelter unkindness: keeping someone on standby, or accepting crumbs we know bruise us. I, for one, bruise like a peach.

How to tend a heart that feels like it’s tearing?

Begin with the body. When the urge to check your phone rises, place a hand on your chest and breathe slowly, kindly. Sit daily with mindful breathing to steady the trembling.

Offer metta to yourself:
May I be safe.
May I be gentle with this heart.
May I see clearly.

I watch the stories unfold in my mind. The familiar “what ifs” and “if onlys” drifting by like clouds. Instead of chasing them, I gently name them for what they are: thinking. Noticing this, I smile at the moment of wandering. There’s no scolding, no rush. I speak to my mind the way I would to a dear friend: Hey, you’ve wandered again. That’s okay. Not right now. And with kindness, I let go of the wandering thought and invited her back – back to the breath, back to the body, back to this quiet place that feels like home.

Reclaim wise boundaries like you would set a splint on a broken bone. Just as the fifth precept protects against intoxicants that cloud judgment, emotional intoxication requires restraint too. If contact reignites craving and confusion, refrain. This is compassion for your nervous system.
Lean on kalyana-mittas (spiritual friends). Let someone witness your pain without minimising it. Being seen turns private ache into something human.

Give and receive goodness. Acts of generosity loosen the fist around the heart and remind it that life still flows. Small acts of kindness could be an unexpected form of rescue for yourself.

If You Are Still Holding Onto An Almost-Love, Take Him Off the Altar

1) See. With Wisdom and Compassion.

Take him off the pedestal.

In the beginning, I set us both up for failure. I saw him as flawless, whole, almost sacred. I filled in the gaps with longing and called it love. I turned him into something unreal, and then asked a real human to live up to it.

Distance gave me sight. When the fog lifted, I saw his flaws clearly. Not with anger, but with honesty. And in that clarity came a quiet truth: I do not want to live with those flaws. I do not want what he could offer. Or could not offer. When he stopped being a god in my mind, the stone in my heart fell. Not because he was bad, but because he was human. And so am I.

See impermanence in him and in your image of him. Notice how moods, fantasies, and sensations arise and pass. Insight weakens the spell.

And be gentle: this pain shows how deeply you know how to love. Train that love to be free, not chained.

2) An Attempt at Clarity.

Bring yoniso manasikara (wise attention) to intention. I started asking myself, what do I truly want? Not what I am afraid of losing, not what I hope he might become, but what my heart actually needs. Often, heartbreak continues because we are acting from fear – fear of loneliness, fear of starting over. When we see this honestly, without judgment, something shifts. Acting from care instead of fear restores dignity. It reminds us that longing is not the same as nourishment, and that staying is not always an act of love.

Asking if honesty has been spoken plainly helps us cut through the fantasy. Many situationships survive on what is implied but never said. Yoniso manasikara, without blame, explains why the heart feels unsettled. If we did speak honestly and were not met, the pain begins to make sense. This understanding helps the mind stop rewriting the past, because clarity replaces self-doubt.

3) Guard the Sense Doors and Return to Awareness.

Unfollow. Delete. Remove what fuels the fantasy. This is medicine, not cruelty.
When the mind replays memories, name them: craving, imagining, becoming. Return to the body. Short, frequent resets work better than epic inner battles. Be honest with yourself: you are not clinging to him. You are clinging to a story. Each replay deepens the cut.

By removing him from your social media feed, you condition yourself with less contact with him, causing fewer charged feelings, with fewer feelings, craving has less fuel, loosening the attachment that you once felt so strongly.

4) Setting the Intention to Release with Kindness

And if what you seek cannot grow, can you release with kindness and without resistance? Upekkha is not indifference. It is respect and acceptance for causes and conditions. Not because it didn’t matter, but because it did.

Bringer of Light

 A Cup Half Held: What My Almost-Lover Taught Me About Letting Go

The Buddha pointed to cause and cessation. Where craving ends, suffering ends. Love doesn’t hurt, but clinging and attachment do.

When I look back now, I remember not only the ache, but the tenderness that arrived when I stopped fighting what was true. Love is not less real because it has no label. Wisdom is not less loving because it whispers, “This, too, ends.”

If you are sitting with a heavy heart and unanswered questions, know this: You are not alone. You are not too much. You were simply too real for someone who could not meet you with accountability.

As I watch him transition to a different page, I finally understand that some stories were never meant to be written together, but that does not make them any less beautiful.

To lay flowers at the grave is not weakness.
It is acceptance.

Of grief.
Of vulnerability.
Of pain.
Of worth.

I stopped waiting for an ending he could not give.
This ends here.

I set the cup down. I mend it.
The cracks remain and I hold it with care.
They hold the light.

Not bitterness.
Clarity.

May this letting go be for my freedom.
May all hearts learn to release without harm.


Wise Steps:

  • A 30-day clarity container: Refrain from contact and social checks. Archive chats, mute notifications, remove shortcuts. This cools craving loops and allows steadiness to grow.
  • A twelve-minute daily anchor: six for breathing, three for metta for yourself, three for journaling one honest line. Raw feeling becomes wise observation.
  • A values-and-boundaries script: “I care about clarity. I’m seeking commitment. If that’s not where you are, I’ll step back with kindness.” Clear intention prevents sliding back into fog.
  • Weekly kalyana-mitta (spiritual friend) check-in: One trusted person. One joy, one challenge, one step taken. Good company guards the heart.
Stranger Things, Samsara Things: A Dhamma Take

Stranger Things, Samsara Things: A Dhamma Take

TLDR: Stranger Things has come to an end. Season 5 shows that what remains is a human note beneath the monsters. Freedom lives in how we meet what hurts.

Why Seasons 4 and 5 Stayed with Me

The earlier seasons of Stranger Things were easy to enjoy. Fast pacing, clear villains, a sense that things would work out if everyone stuck together. Seasons 4 and 5 slowed everything down. Consequences stayed with a feeling closer to home.

By the final episodes of Season 5, I found myself less interested in how the story would end and more attentive to how the characters were living with what had already happened. The series felt less like a typical Netflix escapism and more like a mirror to our reality.

Here are some Dhamma elements that I glimpsed from the series. Warning: Spoiler alert!

Vecna and the Inner Voice that Feeds on Pain

Stranger Things, Samsara Things: A Dhamma Take

Vecna, the main villain, does not hunt randomly. He goes after people already carrying unresolved grief, guilt, or shame. He listens, waits, and then speaks in a voice that sounds uncomfortably familiar.

When he tells Eleven, “All I needed was someone to open the door. And you did that for me. Without even realising it. Didn’t you? And when you did realize, you chose to resist. So I sought a means to open my own doors. I sought… your power. So, don’t you see? Once again, you have freed me.” It lands because many of us have heard a version of that line internally. 

Pain becomes identity. Suffering becomes proof of who we are.

In the Sallatha Sutta, the Buddha explains that while pain is unavoidable, the mind often turns pain into ongoing suffering through rumination and self-blame. 

Vecna thrives in that space. He does not need to invent torment. He only needs people to believe their pain defines them.

Season 5 makes this clearer than ever. His power depends on isolation and identification. The more a person believes “this is me,” the tighter the grip.

Max and the Exhaustion of Avoidance

Stranger Things, Samsara Things: A Dhamma Take

Max’s story across both seasons felt painfully ordinary in the best sense. After Billy’s death in Season 3, she keeps moving. She keeps quiet. She avoids stillness because stillness hurts.

Max blamed herself for Billy’s death, feeling she could have done more to save him, or even that her past wish for him to die had come true. This survivor’s guilt, combined with witnessing the traumatic event, led to depression and suicidal ideation.

At one point she admits, “I thought if I didn’t feel it, it would go away.” That line could belong to anyone who has tried to outrun grief.

Max only began to move toward acceptance when forced to confront her feelings while being targeted by Vecna. During a visit to Billy’s grave, she read a letter to him, acknowledging her complicated feelings of both missing him and the relief that his abuse had ended.

The Buddha never suggested that suffering dissolves through avoidance. Mindfulness means staying present with what arises, without collapsing into it or pushing it away. Max finds some ground only when she allows others to know what she is carrying. Fear remains, but it becomes shared. That makes it bearable.

Eleven and Learning When to Stop Pushing

Stranger Things, Samsara Things: A Dhamma Take

Eleven’s journey in Season 5 feels like a correction of earlier assumptions. Strength had been framed as force. Push harder. Fight longer. Override pain with will.

That approach always came with collateral damage.

When Eleven finally says, “I don’t want to fight anymore,” it does not sound like defeat. It sounds like discernment. She begins to see that anger gives energy but narrows the mind. Control without understanding creates more suffering.

The Buddha’s teaching that hatred is never ended by hatred comes to mind here. This is an observation of reality. Feeding anger keeps the cycle alive. Understanding loosens it.

Eleven’s steadiness grows when compassion enters, especially towards herself. That change affects how she meets everything else.

The Upside Down and a mind stuck in place

By Season 5, the Upside Down feels frozen. Time has stalled. The same decay repeats endlessly. Nothing moves forward.

This resembles how trauma works in the mind. The past refuses to become past. Experience keeps replaying as if it is still happening now.

In Buddhist terms, this is clinging or samsara. Experience is held too tightly. Liberation does not require erasing memory. It requires changing the relationship to it.

Several moments in Season 5 point to this directly. When characters finally admit, “We can’t pretend this didn’t happen,” the storyline shifts. Naming allows movement out of the frozen world. 

Friendship as a Practical Refuge

Stranger Things, Samsara Things: A Dhamma Take

Season 5 leaves little doubt about what actually protects people. Not cleverness. Not power. Not lone heroics.

Protection comes from staying connected when fear encourages withdrawal.

One line captured this simply. “You don’t have to do this alone.” There is nothing dramatic about it. That is why it works.

The Buddha described good friendship as the whole of the holy life. Fear isolates. Shame isolates. Friendship interrupts both by making the experience shareable. No fixing required. Just presence.

What Stayed with Me After the Final Episode

The series does not promise resolution in the neat sense. Pain remains part of life. Fear still arises. But suffering loses some of its authority when it is seen clearly and held together.

That sits close to the Buddha’s promise. Not escape from difficulty, but freedom in how difficulty is met.

For a story filled with monsters, Stranger Things ends on a very human note. Suffering grows in isolation. It softens in understanding, honesty, and companionship.

That felt like the most enduring takeaway of all.


Wise Steps

  • Catch the inner critic early by labelling it as a voice rather than truth, then ground attention in the body for one minute, for example feeling both feet on the floor while breathing steadily.
  • Replace avoidance with a gentle check-in by setting a daily two-minute timer to name the dominant feeling, such as saying “sadness is here” and letting three slow breaths accompany it.
  • Practise the two-arrows move by asking “what am I adding?” whenever pain appears, and drop the story loop by returning to one anchor like the breath or a hand on the heart.
When Nice isn’t Always Beneficial

When Nice isn’t Always Beneficial

TLDR: This article looks at why we often struggle to say “no” or face uncomfortable conversations, even with loved ones. Drawing from his personal experiences and insights from the suttas, Wei Liang reflects on how people-pleasing can create stress and anxiety, and offers practical ways to meet expectations with greater kindness, wisdom, and ease.

Recognising the Burden of People-Pleasing

Have you found yourself saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”? On the surface, people-pleasing may look like kindness or generosity. But underneath, it can quietly drain our energy and fill our days with anxiety.

When every decision is shaped by how others might respond, we end up living in constant tension—always unsure if we are good enough, always measuring ourselves against shifting expectations.

The Buddha’s wisdom helps us see that being nice does not equate to acting in a beneficial way, and to reflect on how our need for approval can be a source of unhappiness when it depends on conditions outside our control.

When Niceness Get Tangled in Delusion

When Nice isn’t Always Beneficial


Sometimes, people-pleasing begins with beliefs that don’t line up with reality, what the Buddha calls delusion (moha).

We might think, “If I’m nice enough, I won’t be hurt or rejected. It feels comforting to believe that kindness is a shield. Or we might assume, “I can control how others treat me. The truth is, we can’t. Someone’s negative reactions may have nothing to do with us at all.

Seeing this clearly is a relief. It means we can stop carrying the impossible task of managing how everyone feels about us.

When Approval Becomes a Craving

Wanting to be liked is normal, it’s part of being human. But needing to be liked is where things start to hurt. This is craving (lobha), which can manifest as a restless reaching for approval.

In a previous job, I craved being seen as a “good employee.” I would take leave not to rest and recharge, but to block out my calendar from new tasks so I could work on existing ones. Underlying this behaviour was a need to be valued and viewed as competent. In reality, I was letting my work dictate my self-worth, which led to unhealthy work-life boundaries, frustration, and resentment.

Reflecting on that experience, I now see that self-approval, rooted in our principles and values, honesty about one’s limitations, and not being defined by failures, lasts far longer than the fleeting satisfaction of approval from others.

When Avoiding Conflict Closes Doors

When Nice isn’t Always Beneficial


Sometimes, people-pleasing takes the form of aversion (dosa). This can mean avoiding situations and conversations that feel uncomfortable.

Conflict avoidance can look like preserving harmony, but often it just postpones a conversation we know we need to have.

I struggle with talking to my family about changes in my life, such as changing jobs. I justify not communicating by telling myself, “They don’t need to know. I’ll just be nagged at, even though I’m being responsible with my choices. But deep down, I know I am clinging to what I perceive as a comfortable status quo.

Staying quiet feels easier in the moment, but it also means missing opportunities to build trust and communication with those we love.

Reflecting on the Distinction Between “Nice” and Beneficial Conduct


One beautiful example of the Buddha’s wisdom comes from the Abhayarājakumārasutta (MN 58). A prince once asked him, “Sir, may the Realized One ever utter speech that is disliked by others?”

The Buddha didn’t give a categorical yes or no. Instead, he drew a distinction between speech that is pleasing, and speech that is true, correct, and beneficial, with the latter being what matters.

He drew an analogy to removing a stick or stone from a child’s mouth. The child might feel discomfort in the short term, but you would still remove the object, out of compassion.

For me, this shifts the focus. Instead of asking, “Will they like me if I say this?” I can ask, “Will this help?” It becomes a gentler, wiser compass.

Reflecting on Praise and Blame as Unreliable Conditions


In the Dutiyalokadhammasutta (AN 8.6), the Buddha talks about the “eight worldly conditions”:

  • gain and loss
  • fame and disrepute
  • praise and blame
  • pleasure and pain

These are forces that push and pull us through life. If you’ve ever had your mood lifted by praise, only to see it crash with a single word of criticism, you’ve felt these winds.

Praise and blame can feel important: who doesn’t want to be liked? Words of affirmation, a smile, a pat on the shoulder—all these can feel addictive. But the Buddha’s point is that praise and blame, like all conditions, are always shifting. You can’t control them any more than you can control the weather.

When we remember this, it becomes easier to let praise pass without clinging to it, and to face blame without buckling under its weight.

Finding the Middle Way

When Nice isn’t Always Beneficial

Letting go of people-pleasing doesn’t mean we stop caring about others. It means asking ourselves: Why do we care? And how can we care in a way that’s beneficial?

Asking these questions allows us to reflect on the motivations behind our behaviour, empowering us to act with wisdom instead of simply reacting to external forces.

We can still be warm and kind, without being dishonest or ignoring our boundaries. We can speak truthfully and skilfully, even when it’s uncomfortable.

When we pause to check our intentions, and measure our choices against our values instead of someone else’s approval, we feel steadier.

When delusion, craving and aversion lose their grip, praise and blame become just weather—passing overhead. And kindness stops being a survival tactic, returning to what it truly is: a gift, freely given.


Wise Steps

We can begin applying the Buddha’s wisdom by noticing our tendencies to please, and taking small, steady steps to change how we interact with approval and critics.

  • Take a pause. Before agreeing to something, take a few mindful breaths. Notice whether your “yes” comes from care or from fear of disapproval.
  • Spot the winds. Each time you receive praise or criticism, silently note, This is just a passing breeze. See if you can let the impulse to hold on or to shrink away pass without reacting.
  • Speak one gentle truth. Once a day, share something honest that you might normally keep to yourself. You can start by sharing these words with yourself, and later with others if you feel ready. Choose kindness in your tone, but clarity in your words.