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Why Birthdays Don’t Feel the Same Anymore

Why Birthdays Don’t Feel the Same Anymore

by | Jun 12, 2026 | Buddhist practice, Purpose & Happiness, Read

TLDR: Birthdays used to sting with too much waiting, comparing, and expecting. Then I learned that the best gift you can receive is the one you give back. Now every birthday, I trade candles for meaningful causes that speak to my heart from walking, fundraising, singing, and now writing. Giving back now has become the greatest birthday celebration for me to remember.

Why Birthdays Don't Feel the Same Anymore

Shortly after Halloween came my birthday. With it, the cycle of self-pity starts.

Year after year, I would torment myself with thoughts like, Why didn’t I get the gift I wanted? Why didn’t this person wish me a happy birthday? I gave such a beautiful present and surprise for someone else, and why wasn’t the same done for me?

It was all ego, comparison, and a pile of expectations wrapped up in a single day.

One that, truthfully, seven billion other people didn’t care about.

By the time I turned 24, I stopped celebrating altogether. I kept my birthday off social media. Sometimes, I even avoided posting reflections about spending it alone in a foreign city, blowing out a candle on a cake I’d bought just for myself.

I would tell myself that this was a strength, that someone would notice, that someone would see how I didn’t “need” anyone to celebrate with me. But deep down, it still hurts.

Flipping the Script on My Birthday into Giving Back

Then one day, I read Eat, Pray, Love. Something inside me shifted as the story unfolded about how Liz uses her birthday to raise money for a Balinese traditional healer named Wayan.

I realised birthdays didn’t have to be about waiting for gifts or surprises. They could be about giving (gifting) back.

Inspired, I started what I now call my “Birthday Gift Back.” It began in 2012, after I walked 375km from Bangkok to the Thai-Burmese border to raise funds for anti-human trafficking.

Since then, every birthday has become a chance to turn receiving into giving. Instead of being the center of attention, I use my “birth” day to support causes I believe in.

375 km on foot from Bangkok to the Burmese border with my fellow walkers.

I’ve transformed every one of my birthdays into what I call my “Birthday Gift Back.” Rather than focusing the day on myself, I use it as an opportunity to contribute to others.

The idea is simple, yet impactful: on the very day when people expect to be showered with gifts and attention, we can flip the script. We “gift” back.

We receive less so that those with greater needs can receive more.

Over the years, I’ve shared my Gift Back journeys through social media posts and updates. Each year, I tell a new story of where the donations went, who they supported, and the difference they made.

What started as something deeply personal slowly grew into a ripple. A few friends began following in my footsteps. Some even told me they’d been doing something similar on their own.

It reminded me of the Buddha’s words:

“If beings knew, as I know, the results of giving and sharing, they would not eat without having given, nor would the stain of stinginess overcome their minds.”
— The Buddha (Itivuttaka 26)

In those moments, I understood what the Buddha meant on how generosity nourishes not just the receiver, but also the giver. The more I gave, the lighter I felt. The more I shared, the more joy seemed to return. Joy that multiplied in quiet and unexpected ways.

To me, every donation is like lighting a candle. One alone was small, but together they created light waves. It became a celebration that unfolded daily in November, in the ways I followed up with donors, shared updates, and tracked the impact.

The act of giving brought me so much joy, because it meant the attention was no longer on me.

Instead, attention was flowing into meaningful causes, sparking conversations about the issues I cared about, and channelling energy into communities that need it most.

The Hard Work Behind the Happiness

Honestly, it’s far more work than hosting a birthday party. There’s the planning, the supermarket runs, the heavy lifting of goods, the trips to children’s homes, and the careful documentation of every receipt — because I believe in 100% transparency to donors.

Then there’s gratitude: thanking every donor, tagging them, making sure they know that their kindness mattered a lot to me.

Yes, it takes time and energy.

It also fills me with something a party never could — a sense that my birthday isn’t about one day of attention, but about creating ripples of change that last long after the birthday candles are blown out.

I’ll never forget a year when I received a substantial amount of donations but couldn’t possibly carry all the necessities myself. By chance, I met an American girl at a Free Bird Café in Chiang Mai. I asked if she could help me. Without hesitation, she agreed.

For me, I feel, “When you want something good for others, the world conspires to help you.”

At that moment, I understood what Paulo Coelho wrote in The Alchemist:

“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

Illness cannot stop generosity

As my health began to decline, I realised that if I wanted to continue my Gift Back movement, I had to get creative.

An illness forced me to slow down, but it didn’t silence the part of me that longed to serve, to give, and to uplift. It nudged me to find new ways of offering from where I was.

When I was going through cancer at 33, I launched a campaign I called “Raise $3,300 in 33 Days for 3 Charities.” It was my way of turning hardship into hope. Each dollar raised felt like a seed planted. Every seed carried the potential to grow into something far bigger than my illness.

Another year, I created “4(For) Monk 2(To) Teach & Travel,” a campaign supporting Bhante Akaliko’s Dhamma teaching trips to Malaysia and Australia. I had the honour of travelling with him from Singapore into Malaysia, serving as his kappiya (short for kappiya-kāraka, a monk’s assistant).

Being by his side and watching him spread Dhamma and lead retreats, I reflected that generosity is not just about money. It’s also about time, presence, and the willingness to support something meaningful.

Before health became an obstacle, I poured myself into another campaign I called “34 Good Deeds” on my 34th birthday. That year, I performed one of the good deeds in the form of a charity concert to raise funds for a school supporting Burmese refugees in Southern Thailand. 

A dear friend generously sponsored the venue, giving me a stage to fulfil my birthday Gift Back. Standing under the lights, singing each song with intention, I felt every note carry a meaning far deeper than entertainment.

Looking back, that night remains one of the most fulfilling and unforgettable memories of my giving journey.

Reflecting on my birthdays, I see a common thread running through all these efforts: illness may have changed my pace, but it never diminished my desire to “gift”.

If anything, being ill deepened the desire. Service doesn’t always have to look the same: it can evolve, adapt, and flow with what is given.

Do what you can with what you have at where you are. It’s a motto I keep close to my heart.

The charity concert I performed when I was 34. Together we raised funds that truly made a difference.
The publicity poster I designed for my 42nd Birthday Gift Back Campaign.

The publicity poster I designed for my 35th Birthday Gift Back Campaign.

One of the most memorable Gift Backs was when I travelled to Khura Buri, a small town in southern Thailand near the Burmese coastline. For my 35th birthday, I dedicated 35 hours (though it could have been much more) to volunteering at the school I had raised funds for back in 2013. 

It was deeply moving to witness the impact of where those donations went — the bright smiles of the children, the education that opened their world, even the simple but essential lessons like learning how to brush their teeth with confidence.

Seeing how lovingly each student was cared for made my heart swell. It felt as if the “gift back” had come full circle, returning in the form of pure, innocent joy.

My Body Is Weak, but My Friends’ Generosity Keep Me Going

Of course, I couldn’t resist reaching out to my friends for support once again.

Thanks to their generosity, we were able to provide milk, stationery, toothpaste, toothbrushes —  all the small but essential items the children needed. I even went ahead with a playful idea to create school uniforms in rainbow colours, each shade representing a different age group or grade.

Those few weeks of volunteering as a teacher brought me immense happiness. Watching the children’s smiles, steeping in their energy, and simply being part of their world filled me up with joy.

Even now, I sometimes wonder how they’ve grown, where life has taken them, and whether they would still remember me.

Taking a break from the lesson and soaking in the pure joy with the children.

The new school uniforms I initiated in different colors, made possible by my friends’ donations.
The last day of my volunteering work when I took a group photo with each class. This is one of the four classes I taught.

Looking back now, my birthdays are no longer about self-pity. They’ve become milestones filled with meaning and purpose.

Soon it will be my birthday, and this year feels different.

Not because of the number on the calendar, but because it marks the start of a new chapter.

Living with the inability to eat, along with the many complications of this disability, has weakened my body in countless ways.

Yet, through all of this, my spiritual endeavors refuse to be dimmed.

My Dhamma work remains my anchor—steady, grounding, and unwavering. Guiding me through each wave of challenge with purpose and clarity.

My 45th birthday ‘Gift Back’ campaign poster

For my 45th birthday Gift Back this year, I created a campaign called “For(4) Me to Fight (5).” The “4” was for me, but the “5” carried a double meaning: it stood for writing, and also for fight — the fight I carried forward through my words.

This year, turning 45, I like to honour my journey as a queer Buddhist writer.

Writing became my medium, a way to process pain while offering something meaningful to others.

For the past year, I have found myself reflecting on my health and the limits it brings. I no longer have the same strength or energy to be at the forefront of sharing and doing the Dhamma work the way I once did.

Perhaps that’s life’s gentle way of guiding me towards a new path. Writing has become a beautiful way to stay connected, to keep giving, sharing, and serving, even from behind the scenes.

Even when my body struggled, my voice could still reach out, connect, and give back through writing.

Now, I want to share them more widely, to give back to the community that has inspired me, and to queer vulnerable folks still searching for belonging in spiritual spaces. 

So instead of birthday gifts, I invite you to celebrate with me through my writings:

  • Subscribe to my Substack, read my articles and reflections — and if your heart (and pocket) allows, consider pledging as a supporter:
    👉 kyleneo.substack.com
  • Support the Dharma Kueen Mini Zine — sponsor its printing and distribution to the LGBTQ+ community:
    👉 dharmakueen.com/minizine
  • Explore my books on my website — if one speaks to your heart, bring it home:
    👉 dharmakueen.com

Your support amplifies queer Dhamma voices, helping to build a more inclusive spiritual space. A space where Buddhism and queerness don’t just coexist, but shine together.

Through my writing, I hope to build a more inclusive and universal space of connection, where even those outside the LGBTQ+ community can find resonance.

After all, the heart of Dhamma is awakening. That journey belongs to all of us, no matter who we are or whom we love.

This year, my birthday wish is simple: may no one, and no mind, be left behind.

Originally published in Substack under Birthdays don’t feel the same anymore. Edited for Handful Of Leaves.

Wise Steps

  • Flip the Spotlight: On your next birthday (or any day), turn “What can I get?” into “What can I give?”
  • Give from Where You Are: Whether through time, presence, or words. Adapt generosity to your capacity.
  • Let Your Light Ripple: Every act of giving, however small, becomes part of a larger wave of compassion that outlasts any candle flame.
 A Cup Half Held: What My Almost-Lover Taught Me About Letting Go

 A Cup Half Held: What My Almost-Lover Taught Me About Letting Go

by | Jun 5, 2026 | Emotional-mastery, Read, Relationships

TLDR: Situationships can sometimes leave deeper wounds than breakups, because there is no clear beginning or ending to grieve. Through the lens of the Dhamma, this author shares their personal struggles in navigating a painful experience, and how they came to understand that craving and clinging prolong suffering.

I drown my pillow in tears, hoping sleep will come and take me back to our smiles and laughter, if only in my dreams.
And when I awake, I lay flowers at the tombstone of the memories that we never dared to name.

He Chose You. Then He Didn’t.

He texted first.
Replied fast.
Kept the energy steady.

He flirted like you were the only woman in the world.
He made you feel seen. Wanted. Special.
And, somewhere along the way, you believed him.

So you lowered your guard.
You opened the softest parts of yourself.
and you let him in.

Then, it changed.

The texts slowed.
The flirting faded.
The laughter grew scarce, then disappeared.
The conversations about everything and nothing – absurd and spilling endlessly into the late nights – were no more.

He must be busy. He should rest. He needs space.
So you stepped back. You softened the questions. You made excuses for him.
Because deep down, you were afraid of the truth: You were losing him.

He didn’t end things. After all, what’s there to end?
He simply faded…
And left you holding a broken cup – still leaking as you trace the crack with your thumb, wondering where it came from.

The flashbacks.
The love-bombing.
The emotional high.
The breadcrumbs turned into a slow withdrawal.
The deafening silence.

He made you feel like everything, then left you feeling like nothing. Or worse, disrespected. Used.

That kind of damage lingers. It makes you turn the knife inward: Did I do something wrong? Say too much? Was I not enough?

But here’s the truth: You were genuine. You showed up with an open heart.

He didn’t.

I Asked, and the Silence Answered

 A Cup Half Held: What My Almost-Lover Taught Me About Letting Go

Last year, I finally gathered my courage with shaking hands and asked, “So… what are we?”

We had shared playlists like secret diaries. Late-night suppers with laughter soft as candlelight. Texts that felt like small prayers whispered into the dark. We were careful not to touch the word for it. No labels meant no expectations, right?
So why did it hurt like this when it ended?

There was no anniversary to mourn. No ring to return. Barely any photographs, a few sunsets, fragments of almosts. But still, the ache cut deeper than some “real” endings.

How can something that was never named take your heart with it when it goes?

Situationships hurt.

They hurt because of the uncertainty. With no clear beginning, there is no clean ending. The heart grieves a future it built out of light – bright enough to believe in, weightless enough to vanish the moment you reach for it. In the Dhamma, this is tanha (craving) and upadana (clinging), the mind grasping at a pleasant feeling and the story that keeps it warm.
They hurt because of inconsistency. Sweet one day, distant the next, baiting the heart to chase a mirage. Papanca (mental proliferation) blooms. You reread messages until the letters blur.

They hurt because it was never named. You behaved like partners without being acknowledged as one. Without a name, the mind writes one on your skin so you feel safe. But the questions keep coming: “Am I imagining things?” “Am I not worth naming?” Ditthi (views) knot around the self, and his withdrawal feels like a verdict on my self-worth and dignity.
They hurt because of the ache of potential. You’re left holding the what-ifs like broken glass. We could have… but didn’t. “At least we tried” is a door I can’t turn the handle of: There was no goodbye. No closing ritual. Only silence.

The grief is quiet and invisible. “But you weren’t even together,” they say. So the pain goes underground, turning bedrooms into caves.

To be treated as precious, called a princess, only to realise the tiara was never meant to be yours to keep.
An unshareable sorrow: I was left alone on the highway with memories that felt too real and words that meant nothing.

Not a breakup. But somehow, this is worse. Because there is nothing “real” to grieve about.

Through the Dhamma Lens: Craving Is Not the Same as Love

The Buddha taught that dukkha (suffering) arises when we take what is unstable to be solid, and what is not ours to be “me” or “mine.” Situationships rest on moving sand, hence the fall is harder.

He would also look to cetana (intention). Buddhist ethics are not about labels, but about the quality of heart and the effects of our actions. Ambiguity can shelter unkindness: keeping someone on standby, or accepting crumbs we know bruise us. I, for one, bruise like a peach.

How to tend a heart that feels like it’s tearing?

Begin with the body. When the urge to check your phone rises, place a hand on your chest and breathe slowly, kindly. Sit daily with mindful breathing to steady the trembling.

Offer metta to yourself:
May I be safe.
May I be gentle with this heart.
May I see clearly.

I watch the stories unfold in my mind. The familiar “what ifs” and “if onlys” drifting by like clouds. Instead of chasing them, I gently name them for what they are: thinking. Noticing this, I smile at the moment of wandering. There’s no scolding, no rush. I speak to my mind the way I would to a dear friend: Hey, you’ve wandered again. That’s okay. Not right now. And with kindness, I let go of the wandering thought and invited her back – back to the breath, back to the body, back to this quiet place that feels like home.

Reclaim wise boundaries like you would set a splint on a broken bone. Just as the fifth precept protects against intoxicants that cloud judgment, emotional intoxication requires restraint too. If contact reignites craving and confusion, refrain. This is compassion for your nervous system.
Lean on kalyana-mittas (spiritual friends). Let someone witness your pain without minimising it. Being seen turns private ache into something human.

Give and receive goodness. Acts of generosity loosen the fist around the heart and remind it that life still flows. Small acts of kindness could be an unexpected form of rescue for yourself.

If You Are Still Holding Onto An Almost-Love, Take Him Off the Altar

1) See. With Wisdom and Compassion.

Take him off the pedestal.

In the beginning, I set us both up for failure. I saw him as flawless, whole, almost sacred. I filled in the gaps with longing and called it love. I turned him into something unreal, and then asked a real human to live up to it.

Distance gave me sight. When the fog lifted, I saw his flaws clearly. Not with anger, but with honesty. And in that clarity came a quiet truth: I do not want to live with those flaws. I do not want what he could offer. Or could not offer. When he stopped being a god in my mind, the stone in my heart fell. Not because he was bad, but because he was human. And so am I.

See impermanence in him and in your image of him. Notice how moods, fantasies, and sensations arise and pass. Insight weakens the spell.

And be gentle: this pain shows how deeply you know how to love. Train that love to be free, not chained.

2) An Attempt at Clarity.

Bring yoniso manasikara (wise attention) to intention. I started asking myself, what do I truly want? Not what I am afraid of losing, not what I hope he might become, but what my heart actually needs. Often, heartbreak continues because we are acting from fear – fear of loneliness, fear of starting over. When we see this honestly, without judgment, something shifts. Acting from care instead of fear restores dignity. It reminds us that longing is not the same as nourishment, and that staying is not always an act of love.

Asking if honesty has been spoken plainly helps us cut through the fantasy. Many situationships survive on what is implied but never said. Yoniso manasikara, without blame, explains why the heart feels unsettled. If we did speak honestly and were not met, the pain begins to make sense. This understanding helps the mind stop rewriting the past, because clarity replaces self-doubt.

3) Guard the Sense Doors and Return to Awareness.

Unfollow. Delete. Remove what fuels the fantasy. This is medicine, not cruelty.
When the mind replays memories, name them: craving, imagining, becoming. Return to the body. Short, frequent resets work better than epic inner battles. Be honest with yourself: you are not clinging to him. You are clinging to a story. Each replay deepens the cut.

By removing him from your social media feed, you condition yourself with less contact with him, causing fewer charged feelings, with fewer feelings, craving has less fuel, loosening the attachment that you once felt so strongly.

4) Setting the Intention to Release with Kindness

And if what you seek cannot grow, can you release with kindness and without resistance? Upekkha is not indifference. It is respect and acceptance for causes and conditions. Not because it didn’t matter, but because it did.

Bringer of Light

 A Cup Half Held: What My Almost-Lover Taught Me About Letting Go

The Buddha pointed to cause and cessation. Where craving ends, suffering ends. Love doesn’t hurt, but clinging and attachment do.

When I look back now, I remember not only the ache, but the tenderness that arrived when I stopped fighting what was true. Love is not less real because it has no label. Wisdom is not less loving because it whispers, “This, too, ends.”

If you are sitting with a heavy heart and unanswered questions, know this: You are not alone. You are not too much. You were simply too real for someone who could not meet you with accountability.

As I watch him transition to a different page, I finally understand that some stories were never meant to be written together, but that does not make them any less beautiful.

To lay flowers at the grave is not weakness.
It is acceptance.

Of grief.
Of vulnerability.
Of pain.
Of worth.

I stopped waiting for an ending he could not give.
This ends here.

I set the cup down. I mend it.
The cracks remain and I hold it with care.
They hold the light.

Not bitterness.
Clarity.

May this letting go be for my freedom.
May all hearts learn to release without harm.

Wise Steps:

  • A 30-day clarity container: Refrain from contact and social checks. Archive chats, mute notifications, remove shortcuts. This cools craving loops and allows steadiness to grow.
  • A twelve-minute daily anchor: six for breathing, three for metta for yourself, three for journaling one honest line. Raw feeling becomes wise observation.
  • A values-and-boundaries script: “I care about clarity. I’m seeking commitment. If that’s not where you are, I’ll step back with kindness.” Clear intention prevents sliding back into fog.
  • Weekly kalyana-mitta (spiritual friend) check-in: One trusted person. One joy, one challenge, one step taken. Good company guards the heart.
Stranger Things, Samsara Things: A Dhamma Take

Stranger Things, Samsara Things: A Dhamma Take

by | Mar 27, 2026 | Movies, music, books,, Read

TLDR: Stranger Things has come to an end. Season 5 shows that what remains is a human note beneath the monsters. Freedom lives in how we meet what hurts.

Why Seasons 4 and 5 Stayed with Me

The earlier seasons of Stranger Things were easy to enjoy. Fast pacing, clear villains, a sense that things would work out if everyone stuck together. Seasons 4 and 5 slowed everything down. Consequences stayed with a feeling closer to home.

By the final episodes of Season 5, I found myself less interested in how the story would end and more attentive to how the characters were living with what had already happened. The series felt less like a typical Netflix escapism and more like a mirror to our reality.

Here are some Dhamma elements that I glimpsed from the series. Warning: Spoiler alert!

Vecna and the Inner Voice that Feeds on Pain

Stranger Things, Samsara Things: A Dhamma Take

Vecna, the main villain, does not hunt randomly. He goes after people already carrying unresolved grief, guilt, or shame. He listens, waits, and then speaks in a voice that sounds uncomfortably familiar.

When he tells Eleven, “All I needed was someone to open the door. And you did that for me. Without even realising it. Didn’t you? And when you did realize, you chose to resist. So I sought a means to open my own doors. I sought… your power. So, don’t you see? Once again, you have freed me.” It lands because many of us have heard a version of that line internally. 

Pain becomes identity. Suffering becomes proof of who we are.

In the Sallatha Sutta, the Buddha explains that while pain is unavoidable, the mind often turns pain into ongoing suffering through rumination and self-blame. 

Vecna thrives in that space. He does not need to invent torment. He only needs people to believe their pain defines them.

Season 5 makes this clearer than ever. His power depends on isolation and identification. The more a person believes “this is me,” the tighter the grip.

Max and the Exhaustion of Avoidance

Stranger Things, Samsara Things: A Dhamma Take

Max’s story across both seasons felt painfully ordinary in the best sense. After Billy’s death in Season 3, she keeps moving. She keeps quiet. She avoids stillness because stillness hurts.

Max blamed herself for Billy’s death, feeling she could have done more to save him, or even that her past wish for him to die had come true. This survivor’s guilt, combined with witnessing the traumatic event, led to depression and suicidal ideation.

At one point she admits, “I thought if I didn’t feel it, it would go away.” That line could belong to anyone who has tried to outrun grief.

Max only began to move toward acceptance when forced to confront her feelings while being targeted by Vecna. During a visit to Billy’s grave, she read a letter to him, acknowledging her complicated feelings of both missing him and the relief that his abuse had ended.

The Buddha never suggested that suffering dissolves through avoidance. Mindfulness means staying present with what arises, without collapsing into it or pushing it away. Max finds some ground only when she allows others to know what she is carrying. Fear remains, but it becomes shared. That makes it bearable.

Eleven and Learning When to Stop Pushing

Stranger Things, Samsara Things: A Dhamma Take

Eleven’s journey in Season 5 feels like a correction of earlier assumptions. Strength had been framed as force. Push harder. Fight longer. Override pain with will.

That approach always came with collateral damage.

When Eleven finally says, “I don’t want to fight anymore,” it does not sound like defeat. It sounds like discernment. She begins to see that anger gives energy but narrows the mind. Control without understanding creates more suffering.

The Buddha’s teaching that hatred is never ended by hatred comes to mind here. This is an observation of reality. Feeding anger keeps the cycle alive. Understanding loosens it.

Eleven’s steadiness grows when compassion enters, especially towards herself. That change affects how she meets everything else.

The Upside Down and a mind stuck in place

By Season 5, the Upside Down feels frozen. Time has stalled. The same decay repeats endlessly. Nothing moves forward.

This resembles how trauma works in the mind. The past refuses to become past. Experience keeps replaying as if it is still happening now.

In Buddhist terms, this is clinging or samsara. Experience is held too tightly. Liberation does not require erasing memory. It requires changing the relationship to it.

Several moments in Season 5 point to this directly. When characters finally admit, “We can’t pretend this didn’t happen,” the storyline shifts. Naming allows movement out of the frozen world. 

Friendship as a Practical Refuge

Stranger Things, Samsara Things: A Dhamma Take

Season 5 leaves little doubt about what actually protects people. Not cleverness. Not power. Not lone heroics.

Protection comes from staying connected when fear encourages withdrawal.

One line captured this simply. “You don’t have to do this alone.” There is nothing dramatic about it. That is why it works.

The Buddha described good friendship as the whole of the holy life. Fear isolates. Shame isolates. Friendship interrupts both by making the experience shareable. No fixing required. Just presence.

What Stayed with Me After the Final Episode

The series does not promise resolution in the neat sense. Pain remains part of life. Fear still arises. But suffering loses some of its authority when it is seen clearly and held together.

That sits close to the Buddha’s promise. Not escape from difficulty, but freedom in how difficulty is met.

For a story filled with monsters, Stranger Things ends on a very human note. Suffering grows in isolation. It softens in understanding, honesty, and companionship.

That felt like the most enduring takeaway of all.

Wise Steps

  • Catch the inner critic early by labelling it as a voice rather than truth, then ground attention in the body for one minute, for example feeling both feet on the floor while breathing steadily.
  • Replace avoidance with a gentle check-in by setting a daily two-minute timer to name the dominant feeling, such as saying “sadness is here” and letting three slow breaths accompany it.
  • Practise the two-arrows move by asking “what am I adding?” whenever pain appears, and drop the story loop by returning to one anchor like the breath or a hand on the heart.
When Nice isn’t Always Beneficial

When Nice isn’t Always Beneficial

by | Mar 20, 2026 | Read, Wellbeing

TLDR: This article looks at why we often struggle to say “no” or face uncomfortable conversations, even with loved ones. Drawing from his personal experiences and insights from the suttas, Wei Liang reflects on how people-pleasing can create stress and anxiety, and offers practical ways to meet expectations with greater kindness, wisdom, and ease.

Recognising the Burden of People-Pleasing

Have you found yourself saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”? On the surface, people-pleasing may look like kindness or generosity. But underneath, it can quietly drain our energy and fill our days with anxiety.

When every decision is shaped by how others might respond, we end up living in constant tension—always unsure if we are good enough, always measuring ourselves against shifting expectations.

The Buddha’s wisdom helps us see that being nice does not equate to acting in a beneficial way, and to reflect on how our need for approval can be a source of unhappiness when it depends on conditions outside our control.

When Niceness Get Tangled in Delusion

When Nice isn’t Always Beneficial


Sometimes, people-pleasing begins with beliefs that don’t line up with reality, what the Buddha calls delusion (moha).

We might think, “If I’m nice enough, I won’t be hurt or rejected.” It feels comforting to believe that kindness is a shield. Or we might assume, “I can control how others treat me.” The truth is, we can’t. Someone’s negative reactions may have nothing to do with us at all.

Seeing this clearly is a relief. It means we can stop carrying the impossible task of managing how everyone feels about us.

When Approval Becomes a Craving

Wanting to be liked is normal, it’s part of being human. But needing to be liked is where things start to hurt. This is craving (lobha), which can manifest as a restless reaching for approval.

In a previous job, I craved being seen as a “good employee.” I would take leave not to rest and recharge, but to block out my calendar from new tasks so I could work on existing ones. Underlying this behaviour was a need to be valued and viewed as competent. In reality, I was letting my work dictate my self-worth, which led to unhealthy work-life boundaries, frustration, and resentment.

Reflecting on that experience, I now see that self-approval, rooted in our principles and values, honesty about one’s limitations, and not being defined by failures, lasts far longer than the fleeting satisfaction of approval from others.

When Avoiding Conflict Closes Doors

When Nice isn’t Always Beneficial


Sometimes, people-pleasing takes the form of aversion (dosa). This can mean avoiding situations and conversations that feel uncomfortable.

Conflict avoidance can look like preserving harmony, but often it just postpones a conversation we know we need to have.

I struggle with talking to my family about changes in my life, such as changing jobs. I justify not communicating by telling myself, “They don’t need to know. I’ll just be nagged at, even though I’m being responsible with my choices.” But deep down, I know I am clinging to what I perceive as a comfortable status quo.

Staying quiet feels easier in the moment, but it also means missing opportunities to build trust and communication with those we love.

Reflecting on the Distinction Between “Nice” and Beneficial Conduct


One beautiful example of the Buddha’s wisdom comes from the Abhayarājakumārasutta (MN 58). A prince once asked him, “Sir, may the Realized One ever utter speech that is disliked by others?”

The Buddha didn’t give a categorical yes or no. Instead, he drew a distinction between speech that is pleasing, and speech that is true, correct, and beneficial, with the latter being what matters.

He drew an analogy to removing a stick or stone from a child’s mouth. The child might feel discomfort in the short term, but you would still remove the object, out of compassion.

For me, this shifts the focus. Instead of asking, “Will they like me if I say this?” I can ask, “Will this help?” It becomes a gentler, wiser compass.

Reflecting on Praise and Blame as Unreliable Conditions


In the Dutiyalokadhammasutta (AN 8.6), the Buddha talks about the “eight worldly conditions”:

  • gain and loss
  • fame and disrepute
  • praise and blame
  • pleasure and pain

These are forces that push and pull us through life. If you’ve ever had your mood lifted by praise, only to see it crash with a single word of criticism, you’ve felt these winds.

Praise and blame can feel important: who doesn’t want to be liked? Words of affirmation, a smile, a pat on the shoulder—all these can feel addictive. But the Buddha’s point is that praise and blame, like all conditions, are always shifting. You can’t control them any more than you can control the weather.

When we remember this, it becomes easier to let praise pass without clinging to it, and to face blame without buckling under its weight.

Finding the Middle Way

When Nice isn’t Always Beneficial

Letting go of people-pleasing doesn’t mean we stop caring about others. It means asking ourselves: Why do we care? And how can we care in a way that’s beneficial?

Asking these questions allows us to reflect on the motivations behind our behaviour, empowering us to act with wisdom instead of simply reacting to external forces.

We can still be warm and kind, without being dishonest or ignoring our boundaries. We can speak truthfully and skilfully, even when it’s uncomfortable.

When we pause to check our intentions, and measure our choices against our values instead of someone else’s approval, we feel steadier.

When delusion, craving and aversion lose their grip, praise and blame become just weather—passing overhead. And kindness stops being a survival tactic, returning to what it truly is: a gift, freely given.

Wise Steps

We can begin applying the Buddha’s wisdom by noticing our tendencies to please, and taking small, steady steps to change how we interact with approval and critics.

  • Take a pause. Before agreeing to something, take a few mindful breaths. Notice whether your “yes” comes from care or from fear of disapproval.
  • Spot the winds. Each time you receive praise or criticism, silently note, This is just a passing breeze. See if you can let the impulse to hold on or to shrink away pass without reacting.
  • Speak one gentle truth. Once a day, share something honest that you might normally keep to yourself. You can start by sharing these words with yourself, and later with others if you feel ready. Choose kindness in your tone, but clarity in your words.
Ep 67: Why Buddhist Couples Stay Happier – The Surprising Truth

Ep 67: Why Buddhist Couples Stay Happier – The Surprising Truth

by | Feb 13, 2026 | Podcast

Summary

Many couples don’t fall apart because of a lack of love — they drift because they stop listening, growing, and meeting each other where they are. In this episode, Cheryl sits down with Angela, founder of Almost Peaceful, to explore why some relationships deepen over time while others quietly disconnect.

Drawing from lived experience, Buddhist principles, and years of working with couples, Angela shares how mindfulness, curiosity, and honest communication can transform conflict into connection — and why lasting love is less about grand gestures and more about daily intention.


About the Speaker

Most relationship experts either focus on therapy (fixing what’s broken) or surface-level advice (communication tips that don’t stick). Angela bridges the gap with relationship mastery – the systematic approach to building extraordinary partnerships.

Her unique combination:

  • Academic rigor from her Master’s in Social Development Policy (Distinction) from University College London
  • Real-world experience from 6 years facilitating high-stakes government dialogues as a Singapore Scholar
  • Professional training in Gottman Method, Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, and Co-Active Fundamentals Coaching
  • Personal understanding of what makes marriages thrive


Key Takeaways

💬 Listening Over Fixing

Most relationship tension comes from rushing to solve problems instead of first offering presence, empathy, and a listening ear

🌱 Love Is a Verb

Healthy relationships are built through consistent effort, curiosity, and small daily actions — not assumptions or mind-reading

🧘 Non-Attachment Strengthens Love

Honouring impermanence, personal space, and emotional awareness helps couples grow together without clinging or control.


Transcript

Full Transcript

[00:00:00] Angela: And Xuan actually looked at me and he said I’m only gonna propose once.

[00:00:07] Angela: And if you don’t accept, I’m gonna walk out of the relationship.

[00:00:11] Angela: Is that serious, right?

[00:00:17] Cheryl: Welcome back to the Handful of Leaves podcast. Today we are talking about something so many couples feel but rarely say out [00:00:25] loud. We live together, but somehow we are not really connecting anymore. In Singapore, almost half of divorces cite unreasonable behavior and over sixty percent of women say that’s why they filed for divorce.

[00:00:39] Cheryl: So today we are digging deeper into what makes relationship stick. And with me is someone who knows this terrain intimately, Angela.

[00:00:48] Angela: Hello,

[00:00:49] Cheryl: [00:00:50] Angela, you’ve built Almost Peaceful that turn tough conversations into meaningful connection. And I’m very excited to have you here. So can you share with us, what in your journey inspired you to build this work?

[00:01:02] Angela: I spent the last six years working at ministry and helping residents, citizens to understand difficult policies. What I observe for the six years of work is when people are trying to find common [00:01:15] ground they tend to jump very fast into problem solving. And that’s something that I noticed in my relationship as well where either of us is always trying to problem solve.

[00:01:24] Angela: When most of the time what I wanted or what my husband wanted is really a pair of listening ears. So that’s when three years ago when I got engaged, I started to look around in Singapore whether there is marriage preparation workshop that can help [00:01:40] me, my husband better prepare ourself in marriage. Guess what?

[00:01:44] Cheryl: There’re none.

[00:01:45] Angela: Yes, exactly. So we are trying to look for something that’s a bit more zen inspired when it comes to marriage, how do we approach marriage, how do you approach communication whether we want to solve problem or listening ear? So that’s when I realized in Singapore there isn’t such workshop or such training, advice available. [00:02:05] So it has always something at the back of my mind that I always wanted to plug the gap. So that’s how I started almost peaceful which is to help couples turn tough conversation into meaningful connection.

[00:02:17] Cheryl: Wow, that’s very inspiring. Can you share a specific moment where you realize that [00:02:30] we are really just problem solving here, we are not listening to each other anymore and what you learn from that?

[00:02:30] Angela: In fact there is a major actually the transition from dating to marriage, actually quite a scary phase because you are going to enter a different identity.

[00:02:39] Angela: It makes sense

[00:02:44] Angela: to get married

[00:02:44] Angela: It’s the normal next step. yes, yes, yes. So in Singapore it’s very normal you date for some time you are serious in the relationship, you go get married.

[00:02:50] Angela: For me, at that point in time, I just felt like I prefer the dating [00:02:55] stage, why do you need to move into the official marriage where there are so many other senior stakeholders involved and then you you have to move out of your own place. My mom’s place which I really enjoy staying with her with my nieces nephew and the convenience of being at my mom’s place versus having to set up your own home.

[00:03:14] Angela: So the conversation when

[00:03:17] Angela: Okay, this one I never tell people before.

[00:03:19] Cheryl: Wow, we can hear it [00:03:20] first time.

[00:03:22] Angela: So the conversation when I told Heng Xuan that I am not ready to move into marriage life. I prefer to stay dating life where we are now, it’s good, it’s comfortable and And And Xuan actually looked at me and he said I’m only gonna to propose once.

[00:03:44] Angela: And [00:03:45] if you don’t accept, I’m gonna walk out of the relationship.

[00:03:48] Angela: Is that serious, right?

[00:03:52] Angela: And he has always been someone that is he meant his words, very sincere. Always putting in effort in the relationship and that was when I realized that this thing is serious right. I need to take time to decide whether or not to transit to the marriage life.

[00:04:06] Cheryl: And it seems that both of you were at different paces at that time. What helps you [00:04:10] to make that decision as a couple?

[00:04:12] Angela: Whether to go get married or not right? Woah this one very drama ah.

[00:04:17] Angela: So I applied half day of leave from work, I told Heng Xuan, I want to time out. So I told I told him that I want a three days time out from the relationship where we don’t text each other, we don’t meet, really just giving me the space and time to think because marriage is a big thing.

[00:04:32] Angela: I don’t want to rush into it, I don’t want to act out of [00:04:35] anger. So I I took half day leave, I asked for a three days time out from my boss, my husband then my boyfriend and I packed this picnic bag with apple, hot tea, and when I went to MacRitchie where I took a very very long walk. And that was when I was walking at MacRitchie, and then I saw this young couple walked past me. And then at the moment in my mind I was young couple. [00:05:00] The next moment immediately there was this elderly couple that walk past me in my mind, I said, oh that’s so sweet. That was the moment when I realized that I want to grow old with someone. And I cannot see anyone else except for Heng Xuan.

[00:05:14] Cheryl: Wow, that gave me goosebumps.

[00:05:16] Angela: I know right. So immediately, I texted him. And I said that no need the three day time off already. That’s how I got engaged I got married.

[00:05:24] Cheryl: [00:05:25] Tell me a little bit more how did you know this was the one and how do you know you know you are not, you’re making the right decision, not something that was emotional, sentimental.

[00:05:38] Angela: It’s a combination of effort as well as time. So effort because we are always constantly trying to get to know each other.

[00:05:46] Angela: We don’t assume that we already know you since you are seventeen, you are [00:05:50] always the same person. So it’s really spending effort and how do I know that it’s the right person is really practicing the same believe. That’s very important. So having the same values, having the same belief that guides us and of course it’s about time, right, spending time with each other.

[00:06:08] Angela: yeah, that helps to know that he’s the one and is he the one? I hope so.

[00:06:14] Angela: I actively [00:06:15] practice what I teach for my

[00:06:17] Angela: couple in my relationship.

[00:06:20] Cheryl: And you mentioned a really good point that marriage is an active process and effort. So talking about marriage and the life after In Singapore actually the largest share of divorces happened around five to ten years of marriage. um often you know when the couple are [00:06:40] juggling different stages of their careers, inlaws, mortgages. What do you think makes that time such a risky and vulnerable period that makes even the strongest couple slip in their relationship?

[00:06:52] Angela: It’s absolutely brutal. Marriage where it’s five to ten years that’s the real brutal stage in Singapore where couples are juggling with their career, they are also having young children and not [00:07:05] forgetting the aging parents

[00:07:10] Angela: on top of the mortgage being stuck in generation that’s your demand and then there’s the finances demand. So that’s where. the crack starts to happen and they are not being sealed up. At the start of the relationship, You are curious towards each other, you are curious about each other, you spend time, you prioritize each other.

[00:07:28] Angela: When life get busy with all [00:07:30] this priority, what happened in most couples is that they give hundred and ten percent to work, hundred and ten percent to that aging parents, hundred and ten percent of the young children. Whatever is left, ten percent, twenty percent on the relationship. So you see that’s the problem, right?

[00:07:45] Angela: They are spending the remaining energy, whatever is left on relationship.

[00:07:50] Cheryl: And more often than not that means bringing your worst self to your relationship.

[00:07:54] Angela: That’s right, [00:07:55] so the stress, anxiety into that relationship pillar.

[00:08:00] Cheryl: What do you think can be helpful because sometimes it’s inevitable as much as we say don’t bring your work home, you just can’t stop the first thing when you wake up, it’s about work, the last thing that you think about it about work. How can people prioritize each other in their relationships?

[00:08:16] Angela: So the good news is this can be prevented and [00:08:20] that is where you have the mindset of being curious to each other. So in mindfulness based stress reduction which I’m trained in, we call it the beginner mindset.

[00:08:33] Angela: So you always begin assuming that you don’t know everything about your partner yet. And you have that curiosity, right, you want to know how was the day, was there anything that made you smile, was that something that I did recently that you feel [00:08:45] loved. So that’s where you continue to be curious about each other.

[00:08:49] Angela: Actually love is a verb. It’s not a noun.

[00:08:51] Angela: And that that requires a lot of effort and in Buddhism, the we talk about right effort. effort is not just working hard. Effort is about directing your awareness with intention. So when it comes to relationship it’s about being curious with each [00:09:10] other and having that this micro moment all this add up.

[00:09:13] Angela: It’s not a grand gesture where you buy beautiful things, you have beautiful experience, grand expensive. But it’s really all this micro moments that.

[00:09:23] Cheryl: I’m very curious about your relationship. In the fourteen years or so you are together, was there a moment where you felt that you kind of lost that curiosity and interest

[00:09:33] Angela: to each other and brought back that spark.

[00:09:34] Angela: [00:09:35] Definitely in the season of life that’s up and down that period where you are busy, there’s period where you are trying to strive for your career.

[00:09:41] Angela: for me it’s less of the career, but it’s more of the caregiving for my late parents that’s where I had to prioritize them and I’m glad I did. Right. But because of the prioritization of my late mom and that means that other things have to be second third, fourth priority. [00:10:00] So that’s a shift right. So instead of my husband being the priority and my career being the priority, my mom is a priority.

[00:10:07] Angela: And that shift means that certain things have to go, certain things have to change. So it was tough because I was going at the place where I was giving a caregiving for my mom and I wasn’t coping that well because there was a lot of stress emotionally and physically. [00:10:25] I de-prioritized my career, but I didn’t verbalize to my husband.

[00:10:29] Angela: And he had the assumption that I was going at the same pace as before. So he was giving me a lot of suggestion for my business out of good intention right, you just don’t want to help your wife succeed, you are the cheerleader, he is the cheerleader for me and he wanted me to succeed but I was at the pace where my career is actually my third priority at that point in time.

[00:10:49] Angela: And [00:10:50] there’s a mismatch of pace. He wanted me to be at the same pace as before but I couldn’t, I know that I didn’t have the capacity to be at the pace where I want to be. Not now. So I didn’t communicate to him and that’s where we have a bit of that frustration

[00:11:04] Angela: and I just felt like I’m caregiving now, I’m regulating myself, I’m glad I am still functioning. I still can show up for volunteer, sport and show up for myself. Why is it that there is this uh tension in the [00:11:15] relationship. So that’s where we have our monthly uh couple chat, we we usually go to a cafe to have a monthly chat.

[00:11:22] Angela: So that’s where I surface tension and I said that actually what I need now is the space to prioritize caregiver. career at this season of my life is third priority.

[00:11:37] Angela: So asking very clearly asking very clearly that I need space. I [00:11:40] appreciate your suggestion but even if you give me, I won’t be able to look at it immediately.

[00:11:46] Cheryl: Monthly dates just to catch up with each other. That sounds really amazing! For our audiences who want to have monthly chat in their relationships, how do they get started with this?

[00:11:57] Angela: Having it monthly is a really good rhythm. So building rhythm in your relationship and having it at cafe [00:12:05] is up to you, your choice.

[00:12:06] Angela: What’s more important is the content. So there are three things that we talk about during this monthly couple check in.

[00:12:14] Angela: The first is about yourself. So you ask question about in the past month, what’s one thing that you are proud of, what’s one thing that you wish you could have done better? The second pillar is about relationship.

[00:12:27] Angela: What’s one thing in the past month I’ve done that make you [00:12:30] smile? What’s one thing you notice about me that you really love. And the last part is about future goal. So in the next month, what’s something that you are excited for individually and in the next month, what is something that you are hoping for that we can experience or do together.

[00:12:49] Angela: So you just keep repeating the same set of question, [00:12:55] you keep repeating month for month and that helps you to be curious. to each other, right, because thirty days, thirty one days is a lot of time, many things can change

[00:13:02] Cheryl: And I really love how you also incorporated the part of the vision of what you want to do together because a lot of people get so lost in the mundane.

[00:13:10] Cheryl: I wanted to shift gear to bring us into something all relationship, all couples face, conflict. And the number one challenge about -conflict is that many [00:13:20] people find themselves stuck in the same cycle.

[00:13:21] Angela: There are patterns that keep repeating. The first pattern is the avoidance So when one person want to talk about it, the other person just want to avoid. sweep it under the carpet. And that what happened resentment resentment built up and over months it just explode resentment doesn’t go away without having actively working on it.

[00:13:44] Angela: So that’s the [00:13:45] avoidance pattern that I see and a lot of what we do in the workshop is sitting down and Go topic by topic. So instead of just opening the whole kind of worm and say that what what are you avoiding about what you. It’s really about going topic by topic, right? So during the workshop where I run for my couple, so we will begin with dealing with conflict resolution and then there is the finances and then there is your in-laws, your [00:14:10] future goals.

[00:14:11] Angela: So there are different topics right. Then you realize that some they are very good at They don’t avoid. Some they tend to avoid. So that’s where you go topic by topic to help them talk about it in the safe space and also using fun way using board games to to understand more about each other to just using play as a way to learn about each other. So that’s something that I realize can help those who tend to avoid [00:14:35] difficult topic using play and using topic. The second time of people, the couple come to workshop, I realize the other. I call it the mind reader.

[00:14:47] Angela: So what what the reader right? The word implies that if you love me, you know what I want. Love is enough. You know what I want. A lot of times couples that come to my workshop they are like I don’t know. he or she doesn’t get [00:15:00] it.

[00:15:01] Angela: And then I asked have you communicated? No, I expect them to know.

[00:15:06] Angela: If you love me, love me, they will know. So so so in the workshop we always use this magic formula about Soften start up. how do you communicate your us in a way that is soft yet specific. So it’s a formula where it’s about this [00:15:25] is how I feel when this incident happened and my ask. So instead of saying you say you put your phone away lah.

[00:15:32] Angela: Meal time they are always using phone instead of having connection. So instead of saying Use phone again lah. Passive aggressive, passive aggressive the mind reader. So mind reader plus passive agressive.

[00:15:49] Angela: So I always tell [00:15:50] them that the magic formula, right? I feel lonely when you use phone during meal time. Is it okay if you put aside the phone for twenty minutes so that we can connect. Okay you see the difference?

[00:16:02] Cheryl: I would imagine the toughest thing to do is even naming and identifying the emotion and then the second thing is of course ego right like if you love me, you care [00:16:15] for me, you should not want me to feel lonely.

[00:16:18] Cheryl: So how do you encourage people to use that, especially I guess in the Asian context it’s really weird to your feeling and this kind of thing.

[00:16:28] Angela: It’s a piece of muscle that you can grow over time, self awareness awareness of your emotions that feeling. Emotion is nothing wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with emotions, whether [00:16:40] it’s it loneliness, whether it’s anxiety, there’s nothing wrong with it.

[00:16:43] Angela: The thing is being aware of it and communicating that, that that is a super power. The more you are able to build this muscle, the more you are able to avoid miscommunication, avoid the mind reading and the passive aggressive.

[00:16:56] Cheryl: Can you share with us, the hardest relationship lesson you have to learn in your own marriage. [00:17:05]

[00:17:05] Angela: I think the hardest lesson is bringing in your baggage from your own life into the marriage. So for me, I am a hyper independent person since you because of the way I was brought out.

[00:17:24] Angela: So when I was seven, my mom was a babysitter and she just couldn’t bring me to [00:17:30] primary school. So at seven I learned to be independent, to walk by myself to school uh when most of my friends they were brought by parents or being chauffeur. So that independence started since a young age and that brings into the relationship and it’s a fine line between interdependence between two persons and being independent as a person.Can you explain more about interdependence [00:17:55] what does that mean?

[00:17:55] Angela: In a relationship it is a partnership between two persons.. Being hyper independent, there is a cost. Because being hyper independent makes your partner feel that, eh, am I not needed? Am I not helpful and that there’s a question mark because you are hyper independent. [00:18:20] So at the start of the relationship, I’ve always always rejected when offer help or just like you know like like simple things like oh walking me home.

[00:18:32] Angela: I feel like myself I got got seven years old. Ya, why? em ya so there’s this hyper independence part that I bring to [00:18:45] my relationship. But the thing is it’s not about losing who I am. It’s not about losing quality. But it’s about knowing when to bring up the quality and when to tune it down. So you have to navigate that part.

[00:18:59] Angela: So I will always ask for space. So along the way we are negotiated such that once a year I’ll go for my own solo trip. And in my own home as well, I have this library [00:19:10] little small little reading note where I cover the space and it’s like my zone. So that’s where during renovation we agreed that I needed a space for myself not because I don’t love you, but because I need my own space in order to love you more.

[00:19:26] Angela: so you you see when you are able to still live yourself to being independent, still having your own space, you can show up better. [00:19:35] as a partner.

[00:19:36] Angela: So that’s something that I have to learn the hard way, you know, like through through the feeling of the question am I needed, I am not doing good enough there is always this conversation.

[00:19:48] Cheryl: So in this process of unlearning this very ingrained habit of hyper independence, what do you have to let go of?

[00:19:57] Angela: letting go of [00:20:00] being right all the time em that this is who I am. Exactly right. So holding on to the view that this is who I am since seven years old, so you should accept me for who I am at thirty one years old.

[00:20:16] Angela: learning to let go that this identity is shaped by environment. So when I was seven because of my mom’s working condition, she cannot bring the baby, she was a [00:20:25] babysitter, so I have to go my best. shape my environment and now that we are together as a couple again my environment has changed. So that can shape my identity.

[00:20:34] Angela: So it’s learning to let go of the the the fixed identity, the fixed view and that that identity is right. Not being the identity means I’m wrong.

[00:20:45] Cheryl: That really reminds me of the concept non in Buddhism, where you know [00:20:50] there is no one core identity that remains unchanging rather we are constantly shit. Environment. Actually that’s a good way to see relationship

[00:20:59] Angela: because the moment we see that it’s not permanent, then we are willing to always learn about each other and meet the person where they are. I never think of it that way. I didn’t see the another part in the relationship, I will incorporate that in the next workshop.[00:21:15]

[00:21:16] Cheryl: And if I may I also wanted to just ask about the inevitable en of relationship. What is your thought of that being someone who has experienced losing both your parents and eventually right all relationships have to end. What are your current perspective, [00:21:40] thoughts and reflections that’s all.

[00:21:44] Angela: Mm Important question that is often overlooked because people tend to want relationship to last forever and again it’s a concept of. Anicca Impermanence Nothing last forever. But does it mean that we don’t put in effort now? Does it mean that because the end is there, then we don’t really walk to the end. since we know that we should end.[00:22:05]

[00:22:05] Angela: So it’s the mindset of embracing the here and as a partner, also in relationship, it’s really enjoying the moment, being better together, practicing our values, practicing our faith and if you can, if you have the capacity to serve.

[00:22:23] Angela: Knowing that all relationship come to an end is nothing unique about you. So first you have to acknowledge that [00:22:30] there’s nothing unique that all relationships come to an end. The moment you accept that it’s nothing unique, you embrace that okay, this is natural, right? The Thai word that came to me was Dhammada Tada means it’s normal normal.

[00:22:43] Angela: So accepting that all relationships have come to the end, it’s not unique to you, don’t make it a big hoohaa right? Yes, don’t make it so personal. So how do you accept, [00:22:55] embrace and make the best of the relationship. Whether is it with your parents, whether is it with your current colleagues or whether it with your partner, right?

[00:23:02] Angela: How do you make the best. So again having curiosity towards each other, don’t assume that they are the same person. Don’t assume that your parents always have a health to walk with you, to go overseas with you to take care of your children. Don’t assume that they will always be the same person as they are and don’t take kindness for [00:23:20] granted.

[00:23:20] Angela: When our partner is kind to us, and our parents is kind to us, appreciate them and if we can reciprocate with kindness, right? Yeah, so to me knowing that Th come to an end, it’s not a sad thing. but actually there is beauty in that because it gives you urgency and it helps you to it’s called this life reiser, [00:23:45] help you to cut through life, cut through the distraction and the noise and help you to par.

[00:23:50] Angela: Maybe at this season of life, what’s more important is aging parents.

[00:23:53] Angela: So you spend more time with them every Saturday schedule time to work with them knowing that maybe I just left with thirty more times with them and with your relationship again cut through the noise right knowing that maybe you want to prioritise monthly cafe chat with them. [00:24:10] So helps you to prioritise.

[00:24:12] Cheryl: And because precisely because relationships end, each and every moment is even more precious.

[00:24:20] Cheryl: Okay. So sometimes there are couples and perhaps even couples listening right now who maybe on the brink of giving up. Angela, what would you want to tell them

[00:24:32] Angela: The brink of giving [00:24:35] up, that is not the end. The brink of giving up, that is actually a path, right?

[00:24:41] Angela: It’s a split path where you get to decide Do we have the capacity to continue as a couple? Or do you want to let go of the relationship because letting go is the wiser choice and there’s nothing wrong with each of the path they are taking, but to accept that when you [00:25:00] feel you at the brink point, it’s not the end, it’s actually two path for you to choose.

[00:25:07] Angela: So the moment you know you have a choice, that is a very powerful thing and then what you want to do is to make a not make a choice out of fatigue, not make a choice of anger, not make a choice out of desperation but make a choice because you have run through questions intentionally, you have [00:25:25] asked yourself have we tried things to solve the relationship or are we just doing the same thing repeatedly.

[00:25:34] Angela: You see the difference, right? A we trying different ways to solve the relationship problem or are we continuously doing the same thing over and over again. So that’s one, the second one is do we still have good to each other, do we still have loving kindness towards each other [00:25:50] and that’s important in a relationship and the third one is are you both willing to take responsibility for the relationship.

[00:25:59] Angela: So again, having gone through this three question, couple can decide, can make a choice. If yes, let’s try new things, let’s take responsibility for relationship, let’s take this path. On the other hand, if you have evaluated and you feel [00:26:15] that no this relationship is no longer serving me, this relationship is no longer one where we want to take responsibility we we are over that take the choice to let go of the relationship.

[00:26:28] Angela: Because doing that serves you better. It makes you a kinder person to yourself and that’s where you practice compassion. So taking this choice is not failure. [00:26:40] So we must always acknowledge each making either of the choice, neither of it is a failure, neither of it is being easy on yourself or being hard it.

[00:26:47] Angela: It’s about making choice intentionally knowing that you have evaluated and you are going to make a decision based on what you know at this moment.

[00:26:58] Cheryl: There’s no right or wrong, it’s really the best that you could do with all that you know in this moment. [00:27:05] Okay. And great. So we will come to our one final question for today and what is one small tiny simple step a listener could take today whether you are single, whether you’re in a relationship to feel more connected to someone important in their life.

[00:27:27] Angela: One small step will [00:27:30] be looking at the person’s eyes and of course not when the person is rushing, brushing in the toilet

[00:27:38] Cheryl: Look at me!

[00:27:38] Angela: I say look at me!

[00:27:40] Angela: So at the appropriate moment, asking your partner or your parents what’s one thing that make you smile today. So that’s meeting the person where they are and it also show care right show that actually you are not just asking me how was my day or asking [00:27:55] me about logistics.

[00:27:57] Angela: “Eh the toilet paper buy already anot ah?” So this are logistics. But are we meeting the person where they are asking the person what was one thing that made you smile today.

[00:28:07] Cheryl: And then we come to the end of the episode. Thank you so much, Angela for sharing your wisdom with us. And I hope this episode makes everyone better actors in their relationships.

[00:28:19] Cheryl: See you in [00:28:20] the next episode and thank you for joining us till the end. Bye bye.

[00:28:23] Angela: Thank you.


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