TLDR: Meditation retreat can give the impression of being a restricted period. Keeping an open mind, one may be surprised by the depth of learning from the experience – in our own external behaviour and internal reflection.
I had an opportunity to attend an 8-day meditation retreat at Wat Marp Jan in Rayong, Thailand in February. It is a serene forest monastery following Ajahn Chah’s tradition located southeast of Bangkok, headed by Ajahn Anan. It’s the second meditation retreat I’ve attended (the first was with Ajahn Brahmali in Batam, Indonesia just a few months prior) and I credit this chance to the ripening of merits accumulated 🙂
This second retreat is totally different for me. Both Venerable Ajahns have their own styles of teaching and the environments were different too. Considering retreatants were housed in the dormitory within Wat Marp Jan compounds, one can expect to have a front-row view of certain aspects of monastic life.
I’d like to share some memorable experiences at Wat Marp Jan, or perhaps as encouragement for others who are considering such a retreat. As it is a rather long reflection, the article would be presented in two parts: Part 1 on external observation and Part 2 on internal observation.
Change in the external environment
Arriving at Wat Marp Jan, the females were dropped off at the female dormitory just below the Eating Hall. The dormitory was simple, but clean and tidy. Retreatants were to keep noble silence throughout the period for a more supportive practice. This included surrendering mobile phones for safekeeping at the beginning of the retreat period.
Keeping silent is not new to me, a practice that I’ve come to enjoy occasionally to bring calm to the mind (side reading for those interested in understanding the quiet ones). This was the longest period that I’d kept silent, and it may turn out to either be a boring or restless period.
This may very well be the case if one hasn’t developed stable concentration or if the mind contains many defilements.
My mind floated between quiet and noise initially, but it was probably an overall supportive environment for me. With no distraction from mobile phones and unnecessary chatter, a general sense of peace arose.
Physical sensation
Having a history of physical injury, I was quite apprehensive about whether the living conditions (we slept on a very thin mattress on the floor) would trigger the old lower back pain. Aches did surface throughout the week, but fortunately, it was bearable and could be alleviated with regular stretching exercises during daily personal time.
The daily schedule consisted of meditations, chanting, Dhamma talk, and personal time. The depth and intensity of the practice may be determined by one’s choices.
Although the meditations were more suitable for practitioners with some experience, as they were self-directed. Of course, one can choose to sit for multiple shorter sessions if that’s more appropriate for their situation.
There were times when guilt and shame surfaced: “Why can’t I sit as long as the others?” But eventually, I accepted that this was where I started and I could only continue from there. I tried to use the bodily sensation as a meditation object: the aches are a result of the body’s condition, not something I can control. It helped to lighten the mind during practice.
I’ve always enjoyed meditating out in nature. Knowing this condition, I fully utilised the opportunity during garden meditation and walking meditation during the personal time – where I experienced deeper concentration.
While I couldn’t control the outcome, I could still find a more supportive environment to support the sitting.
Where one is highly likely to settle in peace – like the little monk Cr: The Author
Bowing
Bowing is a regular activity for Buddhists. It’s common practice to bow to the Buddha statue when we enter the hall; to Buddha, Dhamma, and Sangha during chanting; to the teacher before and after a Dhamma talk; to a more senior monk after a meditation session; at any time to express a sense of respect.
One may think that if they need to bow multiple times in a day, bowing could turn into an automated mindless activity.
Eating hall where day activities were held Cr: Author
Before this retreat, I used to find the act of bowing to the Buddha statue awkward — not quite sure how deep to bow, where to keep my hands, and how long to remain bowing. Strangely, I experienced bowing in a new light this time. For me, it has turned into an expression of gratitude, humility, and reverence.
The simple act of kneeling and lowering my head to the floor turned into a ritual of entering into the space, calming myself down, and truly expressing my gratitude. I am now more mindful of the meaning behind this ‘automated’ action.
Chores
Chores or cleaning around the monastery was also a daily occurrence. Four of us were assigned to the public toilet by the monastery gate. I was gladly surprised by the respect and good attitude of the lay visitors who used the facilities with care. The conditions were as good as or even better than typical public toilet facilities.
After a couple of days, the four of us found the best arrangement to complete the chores with little speech and quietly went about our roles.
Not many people will be particularly happy cleaning public toilets, but a light attitude can be felt by all of us.
Three of us even spent some time afterwards helping sweep fallen leaves in the entrance area. We found the act of sweeping a meditative one, not to clean the space but purely to sweep the leaves. We saw how the leaves would continue to fall even after we swept the area and we just needed to continue forward – like one of Ajahn Brahm’s famous quotes: “what’s done is finished” 🙂
Daily chanting
There were 2 chanting sessions each day, in the morning and evening. Morning chanting verses were quite fixed, while there were slight variations for evening chanting verses.
I realised that after each chanting session, the mind was more settled to continue into either meditation or Dhamma talk.
I particularly enjoyed the evening chanting in the main Uposatha hall, where I could feel the vibration of everyone’s unified voice and energy. Even the higher-paced and longer verses didn’t bother me much, the activity sent a jolt of energy into the body and mind.
Returning home, I registered for Wat Marp Jan’s evening Zoom session to continue this practice where possible. The energy level is muted by the distance, but good enough as an anchor for me to maintain the practice.
Summary
This is the first-half of my reflection on the retreat. It may spur readers to become curious themselves, or it may turn into a deterrent. Nevertheless, I hope it can serve as a consideration for those who would like to have some insights before making their decision.
Wise steps:
When there’s an opportunity to participate in a meditation retreat, trust the faith to guide us.
Keeping silent can turn out to be chaos or peace, it’s on us to cultivate supportive conditions for peace.
Reflecting on the purpose behind the small actions, we may find a deeper meaning to carry into daily life.
TLDR: Going for a meditation retreat can seem like a daunting idea. From sitting still to early mornings, here are 10 things to note before going to a meditation retreat! Find out why it is an awesome thing to do as well!
My first meditation retreat was one of the most memorable retreats I’ve ever attended. It was during my university days in Warwickshire, UK, at a Thai Buddhist Forest tradition temple. I remembered spending half of the time thinking of what food I would eat when I returned to my student’s accommodation.
The shift from 3-meal to 1-meal a day (as part of the Thai forest practice) was a shock to my system.
The next spring, I returned to the temple for another meditation retreat and this time round, I was able to adapt to the environment and thrive in the seclusion. Since graduating, I attend at least one meditation retreat a year as a commitment to deepen my cultivation.
Here are 10 things that I wish I knew before attending a meditation retreat:
1. Familiarise yourself with the teacher leading the retreat
Just like how every teacher has his/her teaching style, so too every one of us has our own learning style. For instance, a teacher such as Ajahn Brahm leans towards loving kindness and teaches through humorous stories, while Ajahn Anan teaches awareness of breath and shares stories from the sutta. Finding a teacher that matches your learning style helps you in your retreat experience. There are different ways to familiarise yourself with their teaching styles, such as through podcasts (Podbean, Spotify) or YouTube videos.
2. Get more rest before the retreat
When your body is well rested, you then have the fuel to cultivate your mind and heart. Try to get 8 full hours of sleep at least 3 days before the retreat.
Set an intention for the week before the retreat to get in bed without your electronic device at least 8.5 hours before your morning alarm.
If your hectic schedule does not allow you to do so, that is perfectly fine, and you do not have to beat yourself up. Try to get used to sitting. Try meditating. If you have never practised sitting meditation, give it a go. If you sit regularly, try sitting longer. Most importantly, listen and be kind to your body!
3. Set an intention without attachment
Having an intention uplifts you especially when you are feeling down during the retreat. Let’s face it, a silent retreat with no access to our electronic device is when the volume of our internal thoughts is amplified.
Thoughts of the past and the future may distract your stillness. Having an intention to return to, amidst the noise is likened to a warm and tight hug from your best friend.
The intention could be a phrase that you resonate with, such as “no mud, no lotus” or “be contented with creating the conditions”. It could also be a quality you would like to develop such as “patience”, “stillness” or “generosity”. At the end of the retreat, regardless of whether the intention you have set has served you, learn to give thanks to the intention and then, gently let go of it.
4. Settle outstanding credit card bills
You do not want to be gasping for air in the meditation hall when you suddenly recall your credit card bill is due for payment. To make matters worse, you do not have access to your electronic device.
This too applies to setting your work email’s out-of-office (OOO) message, as well as letting your family know that you are uncontactable during the duration of the retreat and to help you in settling any urgent or critical errands.
Having sorted your responsibilities will help you to better disconnect from the external world and turn inwards.
5. Manage your expectations on the quality of stillness in the first few days of retreat
Growth is rarely linear; it is not a single trajectory upward but a series of ups, downs, twists, and turns. Shifting from the hustle and bustle of city life to a secluded retreat, it may take a while for you to find stillness in your formal sits and informal practice.
Do not compare yourself with the person sitting in front of you who may have the best upright posture and has never once fidgeted during the sit – chances are, you never know what this person is going through in their mind.
Manage your own expectations and learn to channel your energy to set the right conditions for stillness to arise.
6. Pack comfortable clothes
What you wear affects you and the people around you. Avoid jeans and tight-fitting clothes as these may restrict your blood flow during seated meditation.
Avoid clothes that ruffle and make sounds when you move as the noises may disturb others during meditation. Do check with the retreat organisers if there is a code of conduct for attire.
7. Grab a friend and attend the retreat together
Spiritual friendship is an important part of our spiritual life. Having a friend who can relate to you in this retreat journey is helpful, particularly in getting ready together pre-retreat and discussing your experiences post-retreat.
8. Trust the process
Doubt and faith are two sides of the same coin, they can co-exist. The key is to never act upon your doubt. Whenever a doubt arises in your meditation, acknowledge the doubt and set it aside.
When you exit from your meditation, pen down your doubt and frame it as a question for the teacher. Whenever there is opportunity for Questions and Answers during the retreat, submit your question.
Questions that come from a place of inquisition, as opposed to your own ego, will serve more than yourself. Learn to trust the process.
9. Let go of expectations
Now that you have read this so far into this article, you may have some expectations about your next retreat. It is important to prepare sufficiently, but don’t overthink.
Overpreparing may hinder your experiences. Go with an open mind and know that the dots will connect when you look backwards.
Letting go of expectations does not mean that you are one without a goal, it simply means you have the wisdom and courage to detach at the right time and right place.
10. Know that you are not alone in this journey
The Dhamma is a roadmap to change behaviour and achieve a fulfilling life and often, this comes with sacrifices along the journey. For instance, this could mean spending your leave days on the retreat instead of holidaying in Bangkok, or cutting down on dinners with friends to get more rest.
The journey can feel daunting and lonely at times. Remind yourself of long-term happiness and that success lies in the process.
Join a Buddhist organisation like DAYWA to meet new friends or volunteer your time at an organisation that you are familiar with.
Right now, take a moment to pause what you are doing and reflect on the intention you have for deciding to/going to attend a meditation retreat. Know that you are on the right track. And that you are not alone on this path towards happiness. May you always have the right conditions to see things as they truly are.
Editor’s note: This article is adapted from PJ’s website. Do check out his past articles on tackling the workplace over here, here, and here.
On 19th October 2022, I flew back to Singapore after spending three months at my teacher Ajahn Brahm‘s retreat centre Jhana Grove and monastery in Serpentine, Western Australia.
Since then, I’ve been asked quite frequently about what I learned and “gained”, which I’ll attempt to summarize here. Below are the 11 things I’ve learnt.
(Graphic image warning: Please note that learning point 8 has a few graphic pictures of a decaying dead kangaroo. You may quickly jump to point 9 if you are easily affected.)
1. A much clearer & experiential understanding of how suffering works.
Expectations, wanting, hopes, plans, etc. are a huge barrier, because of the Second Noble Truth: wanting causes suffering. During this retreat, I think I’ve let go more of the expectations & wanting to re-experience the life-changing yo-yo-jhana in 2010, which I’ve written about here and here . And if I wanted anything, whether it was the beautiful breath, or silence in the mind, or nimittas, or jhanas, that wanting always led to suffering.
So towards the end, I was deliberately cultivating the mantra of “Good enough”. Heavy rain while walking to the monastery? Good enough. Restless mind while sitting in the morning cold? That’s more than good enough!
And that really helped and worked: there was a lot less suffering when I was developing this mindset of being “contented and easily satisfied”, instead of striving with strong wants.
It’s not all perfect: there were definitely days when it felt like walking into a perfect storm. The lowest point I experienced was towards the end, on a Monday. For the whole of Monday, I struggled with a very, very restless mind: I could barely sit. It was, as Ajahn Chah (Ajahn Brahm’s teacher) described, “you can’t move forward, you can’t go backwards, you can’t stay where you are”.
I’m experienced enough to know that restlessness is the mind being discontented with the present moment experience. So I tried to make peace with the present moment experience and tried to be unconditionally kind and gentle to my own mind. That caused my mind to kinda go into a kind of split, where a less-critical, more-loving PJ was having a dialogue with a very fault-finding, very discontented PJ:
Loving PJ: There there! It’s ok to be discontented. You’re not enlightened yet!
Fault-Finding PJ: Of course it’s easy to say that!
Loving PJ: Remember Ajahn Brahm’s instructions? Just make peace with the suffering, be kind, be gentle…
Fault-Finding PJ: Of course it’s easy for Ajahn to say that! He’s the MOZART of meditation, whereas you are still playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars! You can’t even watch your stupid beautiful breath, for goodness sake!
It just spiralled downwards from there, into outright fear and despair. I was reminded of the episode in the Buddha’s passing, when his attendant Ananda cried out of despair. I understood what he felt because I felt this deep fear of what will happen when Ajahn Brahm dies? Who else can I have as a teacher I am dependent on?
And there was despair because I was nowhere close to the jhanas, which are needed to really remove the defilements. And I had so many defilements … it felt like I was tasked with using a single box of matchsticks to melt an entire iceberg or glacier.
The fear and despair was very, very real, and very, very bad: I sobbed and cried my eyes out in the shower. I don’t think I have cried like this ever since my colleague Parathy died… after I finished crying, I asked my mind what it wanted to do, and went to sit and meditate, before going to sleep. The next morning, I went to ask Ajahn for advice on how to deal with such days.
Ajahn was so kind and compassionate… he kept saying “trust. you are so close“, and also talked about how, often, progress on the Path isn’t about more effort, but about finding the right place to perpendicularly cross the river. “And when you’re over, you’ll then realize how stupid you’ve been all this while, because you’ll look back and say ‘wait, that was it? That’s all it took?’ ” And that was all it took for me to gain back the trust, confidence, and patience to carry on.
2. A more experiential understanding of non-self”
The other learning is a more experiential understanding of non-self. Basically, I don’t really control my body or my mind: it is heavily influenced by the environment around me. The body is out of control, and the mind is out of control because they are all complex processes which have no single source of self, and where effects become causes for further effects. It’s all about putting the right causes in place, I.e. Right Motivation (Samma sankappa). A few episodes really highlighted this to me.
No matter how much I tried, I could not change the fact that my body is made in Singapore, and that I struggle with the cold. Cold makes my mind restless, as I am really not made for this climate. It’s quite funny because whenever it’s cold, there is automatically a soundtrack playing in my mind (for the first two months, it was the soundtrack of Crash Landing On You, because my wife and I re-watched it before I left…). But what was even more interesting was the short spell of warm weather in late September and early October: the soundtrack playing stopped in my mind, with no choice nor force at all! So it was really caused by the cold.
Physically with my body, there were a few incidents (suspect Covid; my twitching eye; body pains from sitting meditation) which drove home the point of non-self. From the Buddha’s second-ever discourse (Anattalakkhanasutta SN 22.59):
“(this body is not) fit to be regarded thus: ‘This is mine, this I am, this is my self’”, because “…if…(this body) were (my) self, this (body) would not lead to affliction, and it would be possible to have it of (this body): ‘let my (body) be thus; let my (body) not be thus’. But because (this body) is nonself, (this body) leads to affliction, and it is not possible to have it of (this body): ‘let my (body) be thus; let my (body) not be thus’. “
Basically, if your body was you or your self, then you would be able to compel it and control it to be well, not be sick, and to take on any shape or form you wish. Which you can’t.
3. Reduce the drivers of negative emotions
Much of Ajahn Brahm’s teachings are really about undermining and reducing the drivers for negative emotions, especially the overthinking mind that tenses up, comments, interferes, fault-finds, strives and tries, is ruthless, and seeks to control everything (especially due to fear).
If we do the exact opposite to the above verbs, those are the causes for future deep meditation and eventual liberation. So we should:
Relax to the Max
Disengage from commentary
Don’t interfere or do anything, because it is all none-of-your-business
Let the mind decide what it wants to do, rather than tell and control it
Cultivate contentment: “good enough”
Not try
And be kind, unconditionally.
4. Cultivating the opposite of fault-finding
Ajahn Brahm once wrote that “cultivating the opposite of fault-finding is 90% of the Buddhist practice”, and this was something I realised from the three months.
It is so easy to lapse into fault-finding and criticism of everything: I could be sitting for 45 mins, watching the breath for 44 mins, and daydreaming in the last minute, and that is often enough for me to say “that was not peaceful”! This is crazy, if you think about it, because I wasn’t really looking realistically at the whole session, but only picking out the bad parts to smear the whole thing.
I think this fault-finding is due to social conditioning: it seems “smarter” to seem pessimistic, cynical, and negative (as shared in Psychology of Money: see point 7 in the original article here). This mindset is especially prevalent in Singapore, I think.
5. Systems, Not Goals
Scott Adams’ “system vs goals” came up in my mind during the retreat, and I started wondering what was my “system”, vs the “goal” of enlightenment. My system is to keep precepts, learn Dhamma, create the supporting environment for practice around me, and meditate daily. I’ll let the results take care of themselves. Some specifics that I picked up during the Rains:
If the meditation was me largely “letting go, being kind and gentle”, then the meditation was a success, regardless of the results!
I started debriefing myself after each meditation, as part of my “system”. I ask myself these questions:
What suffering was absent? How much peace, calm & stillness was generated from the sit?
Was there letting go, kindness and gentleness in the meditation, between me and the meditation object?
Which defilements were gone? Usually for me, there’s no ill will, sloth and torpor, and doubt. The usual suspects are Kama canda, and restlessness and remorse.
7. Meditation is like taking a shit
Meditation is a lot like taking a shit: there are a lot of parallels between the two.
Both are non-self: in both processes, there is no single part you can point to, and say that’s me, mine, a self. There are also none of the accumulations of a self in any part of the processes e.g. ego, pride, expectations, will, etc.
Both are natural causal processes, where willpower & expectations are NOT necessary causal factors & are often counterproductive:
If you’re blocked in meditation, often you need more mindfulness and kindness, to unblock yourself. If you’re blocked in shitting, often you need more fibre and water to unblock yourself.
Using willpower in both cases causes haemorrhoids in your mind and in your a**
Expectations in both cases are major blockers.
Both processes are about clearing their “containers” of defilements and debris: one is clearing the mind, the other is clearing the digestive system.
Last but not least, the best sits and the best shits are effortless and joyful, and very healthy.
7. Keeping Precepts is Critical
Keeping precepts is critical for progress on the Path. This is often overlooked, especially in western meditation instructions. But this importance becomes very clear when meditation deepens, and when your mind starts to reflect the spottiness of your ethical behaviour by body, speech and mind. Let me share a story about someone, whom I’ll call PJ2. Imagine that PJ2 is single, and that he once had a very, very deep meditation experience a few years ago.
At the start of the Rains Retreat, I was discussing nimittas and jhanas with PJ2. However, as the retreat progressed, PJ2’s past caught up with him: he had not kept his precepts fully, and that caused him to feel this overwhelming sense of guilt that triggered panic attacks.
This lasted until PJ2 left, and it was very eye-opening for everyone to see how important keeping precepts are, for deeper meditation and for one’s practice.
8. Death is everywhere
Death and dying is everywhere, in the most unexpected places. In September, as a few of us returned from visiting Kusala Hermitage, it turned out that two kangaroos had been hit by vehicles just outside Jhana Grove. One of them was more decayed, while the other one was quite intact. It was very eye-opening to see the decaying and decomposition process over the weeks, which I captured by taking multiple videos and photos.
What videos and photos do not capture is the smell: that nauseating odour of death and decay, which reminds me of the very first time I smelled that odour, as a teenager helping my father clear the drowned rat stuck under our driveway.
But what the photos and videos do convey are the charnel ground descriptions in the suttas, especially the Satipatthana sutta (** CONTACT ALERT: Pics of dead things**)
The dead adult kangaroo just outside Jhana Grove
…And it had been dead for one, two, or three days, bloated, livid, and festering. They’d compare it with their own body: ‘This body is also of that same nature, that same kind, and cannot go beyond that.’ 15.1
The dead adult kangaroo had moved due to heavy rain and had decayed
Then:
…a corpse discarded in a charnel ground being devoured by crows, hawks, vultures, herons, dogs, tigers, leopards, jackals, and many kinds of little creatures. 16.2They’d compare it with their own body: 16.3‘This body is also of that same nature, that same kind, and cannot go beyond that.’ 17.1
Same dead kangaroo, much more decayed. Note how the skull has gone missing, and the skeleton has changed color.
Then:
Bones rid of sinews scattered in every direction. Here a hand-bone, there a foot-bone, here a shin-bone, there a thigh-bone, here a hip-bone, there a rib-bone, here a back-bone, there an arm-bone, here a neck-bone, there a jaw-bone, here a tooth, there the skull …
A finger fragment of the dead kangaroo by the roadside marking
Then:
Bones rotted and crumbled to powder. 30.2They’d compare it with their own body: 30.3‘This body is also of that same nature, that same kind, and cannot go beyond that.’
It is extremely sobering, especially since an adult male kangaroo is about the same size as me, to reflect that my body is truly “of that same nature, that same kind, and cannot go beyond that.”
The Sangha at Bodhinyana Monastery paying respects to the Triple Gem
9. The monastic practice is the Buddha’s Training Programme
The monastic practice set by the Buddha is THE way to get to Nibbana. Before this Rains, I had doubts about this: what’s stopping me as a lay person from being able to practice towards liberation? But after three months, there is no longer any doubt in my mind that the Training Programme decided by the Buddha is the best bet to Enlightenment.
However, my conditions in life are such that, it has to be lay life for me, at least for a while: as a married man, I have to take care of my wife, but also have to take care of my parents and parents-in-law as they age.
10. Some observations of my fellow retreatants:
My “alms bowl” for three months, filled with food generously given by lay supporters of the monastery. Those lay supporters drove 1 hr each way to feed the monks and lay retreatants every day, for 3 months!
The generosity of people is astounding. For three months, I was fed by other people. Also, this group of Rains Retreatants really were very generous with helping each other out. For example, Becky would serve Ajahn tea, but also do a lot of acts of loving kindness to others. And in turn, I saw others helping her: a number of retreatants were talking to her to give her an introduction to the suttas, just before her silent retreat. Everyone was helping each other out like one big family (e.g. Gayathri making soup for Piotr, our Polish retreatant, when he fell sick a second time), which the Jhana Grove staff observed was quite unusual to our group.
There seems to be a bit of PTSD from past experiences with SN Goenka vipassana meditation: a couple of retreatants mentioned to me something along the lines of “I can’t watch the breath, because I end up trying to control it from my vipassana experience” and “I can’t watch the breath with pleasure, because my vipassana conditioning kicks in”. Which is a real pity, because the breath can be a lovely meditation object.
Dhamma vitakka (thoughts of the Dhamma) as a subtle hindrance was something that came up in a sutta class taught by Ajahn Brahm, but it seems to have been rejected by a number of retreatants. This hindrance was something I saw in my own mind: at some point, I realised that reading the suttas was actually complicating my own meditation practice, because I ended up generating a lot of questions (“Am I doing X right, like in the sutta?”) which disturbed the peace of mind. So towards the end, I deliberately cut down on my reading of the suttas, and reduced my thinking on aspects of the Dhamma.
11. The Practice isn’t just about meditation
While on a day outing with Ajahn Santutthi, abbot of Kusala Hermitage, I asked Ajahn about advice on the practice, especially since I felt stuck and stagnating in my meditation depth. He gave very good advice: “the practice doesn’t end after three months”, “the practice isn’t just about meditation”, and “just develop contentment and peace.” Which is perhaps the main takeaway I got from my three months.
Monks from Kusala Hermitage walking in a botanical garden bed of tulips
TLDR: What is conditioned and unconditioned love? Unconditioned love is not a commodity we exchange in the market like conditioned love. We explore the consequences of unconditioned love in our mind and heart in discerning the thought of love.
This is a reflection piece as contemplated by the author based on the Buddha’s teachings. As such, it may not contain the truths as taught by the Buddha. The author hopes the reader takes away useful bits that may resonate and discard whatever parts that make no sense without any aversion. The author also encourages anyone interested in TWIM to find out more as what is shared in this article may not reflect the correct method.
Prior to this year’s Chinese New Year, I embarked on a loving-kindness meditation retreat at home. I have never been very successful with loving-kindness as a daily meditation object in the past. I usually use breath or body sensations as they are easier to detect. Loving-kindness is the first of the Four Sublime States and it grows into compassion, joy and equanimity. Loving-kindness has also been called unconditional love or metta in Pali, an ancient Magadha language used in the suttas (discourses of the Buddha) of Theravada Buddhism. This post is about discerning the thoughts of love using metta meditation, one of the meditation objects taught by the Buddha. It is particularly useful for those with a lot of ill will (ranging from impatience, fear, restlessness, boredom to pride).
Method Used for Loving-Kindness Meditation
For the home retreat I joined Dhamma Sukha Center’s online meditation retreat. The abbot of the center, Bhante Vimalaramsi teaches metta meditation, which he terms Tranquil Wisdom Insight Meditation (TWIM). The method entails wishing oneself well and bringing up the qualities of a living spiritual friend in one’s mind to raise the feelings of love within when the feeling fades.
Needless to say, we mostly experience dull neutral feelings ranging from boredom, fatigue, to annoyance and restlessness in a day. No one actually makes an effort to replace these feelings with the feeling of love in oneself unless of course, one is interested in meditation and contemplation.
The TWIM method entails letting every thought go by releasing tension in the head. It reminds me of Soto Zen meditation where thoughts are being let go of every moment. Bhante Vimalaramsi suggests that whenever a thought arises, there is a subtle tightening in the head area. Let go of the tension, bring up a smile to help lighten the heart. As a beginner at this, I felt a bit confused at the start of the home retreat. However, I soon found out that it is easier to let go of every thought, and then bring up the feeling of love in the heart. Thoughts are like endless arrows shooting at the mind. The mind curiously enjoys being shot at by thoughts, even if they are nonsensical. When it is not possible to let go of the thought, it may be better to replace them with the feeling of love by directing one’s attention to thoughts of wishing one well or thinking of the qualities of a spiritual friend one admires. As Ayya Khema puts it, the more you think about something, the feeling grows.
Contemplating Unconditional Love
Unconditional love is a big word and is indeed hard to understand. It is even harder to know. Conditioned love as taught in Buddhism depends on the six sense bases to arise. Meaning, it is dependent on contact with others, therefore it is impermanent. It is impermanent because it is dependent on another person who gives us love not to change his/her mind to love us.
Unconditional love, on the other hand, exists within oneself. It does not require another person to light up love in our hearts. When we light it up ourselves, we are the fuel of love in our hearts without needing another.
Most of us think that it is impossible. But unconditional love could actually be a natural quality of our being, hidden and covered up by our dual thoughts of likes and dislikes. During my short retreat, I saw how my consciousness differentiated between two people who could and could not bring up metta in my heart. The cause of suffering is consciousness itself dividing perceptions into likes and dislikes. Therefore the cause of non-suffering is consciousness itself released from likes and dislikes.
Although unconditional love could be an innate quality we have not looked into, our habitual dwelling in dull feelings tending towards wanting or not wanting to be someone or somewhere else covers up this love already within us. Through meditation and contemplation on metta itself, we uncover our true nature.
Separating Unconditional Love from Conditioned Love
When we love someone, we treat it as love being directed to someone. In this way, love seems to become a commodity. We live in a commercial world and our minds function like a marketplace of give and take. Our idea of love has also been continually conditioned by movies that talk about love as finding someone who loves us, otherwise, we do not have it. This is conditioned love. Conditioned love requires an ‘I’, a possessor who owns the commodity of metta to exchange it in the marketplace. When someone returns it with a similar or better quality of love, the possessor then measures it periodically. If the love given by another does not weigh the same as what one has given, one then slowly withdraws it from the other.
Unconditioned love, however, does not have a possessor or an ‘I’, because it does not require outer conditions for arising. Only an ‘I’ need someone to give ‘me’ love. Therefore, unconditioned love cannot be exchanged as a commodity. In this way, metta can grow in one’s consciousness without needing anyone or anything to ignite it. We can be the condition for love to arise in our own hearts by consciously replacing all kinds of thoughts with metta. Consciousness is changeable from dullness, boredom, restlessness to worry in a day based on outer conditions. If effort and mindfulness is used to replace all feelings consciously with metta, then consciousness itself is metta. And consciousness is itself the sole condition for metta.
The Consequence of Discerning Love
Does this mean that someone who is able to bring up love in his/her heart unconditionally is someone who cannot love others? On the contrary, no. One who practices replacing all thoughts and feelings with metta becomes love itself, like a flame on a candle radiating light throughout a dark room.
Love truly begins within oneself. If there is no love within oneself, one can be easily hurt by others. One will expect and weigh the amount of love from another. The consequence could be discontentment, jealousy and possessiveness.
When one is sufficiently apt at bringing up metta in one’s heart unconditionally, s/he will cease to judge others, because protecting the love within becomes so important. One may find that going back to this inner unconditioned love within is the refuge one needs, compared to being dependent on another’s love and bringing stress to a relationship.
A person can get tired of thinking of a beloved person for a sustained period of time, but never tire of being absorbed in the metta one has generated within oneself.
Wise Steps:
Whenever there is time in between tasks, look within to find if there is a feeling of hurt or regret.
If hurt or regret exists in your heart, quickly remedy it with anyone who may be involved for the feelings to arise.
Replace the feeling of hurt or regret and forgive oneself, if the matter cannot be resolved. Be kind to yourself.
After you find you have forgiven yourself for anything that might have brought hurtfulness and regret, replace any existing feeling with metta by wishing yourself well. We cannot spread metta to others if none exists within our hearts.
TLDR: We get busy making plans after plans. But what happens when our plans are upended? With the pandemic, some plans such as having a holiday overseas may take another year or two to unfold. Maybe life is just it. This is it – with or without plans, we can learn to live life in gratitude.
Most of us make plans. One plan after another. Some are short-term such as going on a holiday. Others are long-term such as getting married and buying a property. For the last few years, I have stopped making plans except to take time off to go for meditation retreats. Thanks to COVID19, I realised that was a plan too. A plan is something you have in mind to do in the future. Despite not making as many plans now as compared to my youthful self, making just one plan is a plan as well.
In 2019, I attended a course and met several people whom I made a few plans with. These plans included travel.
When Plans Don’t Go Your Way
Making plans is a normal routine. You wake up, think of the task you have in mind for the day. Then you brush your teeth, have your breakfast, take a bath and act on your day’s plan. Though the daily routines of brushing the teeth, and having breakfast are small plans we make from one thing to another.
What happens when your daily routine or plan is upended? Maybe you are used to going to bed at 11 pm but a friend who needs to talk about an issue is preventing you from sleep. What about being told by your manager to change your presentation after you have worked on it to perfection? With the current pandemic, most of our holiday plans have gone down the drain.
This period of major changes does not allow our plans to go as planned. It can bring on frustrations and impatience.Some are suffering from the loss of their jobs while others are still trying to get used to having lesser social contact.
The Reason We Make Plans
What happens if you were to stop making plans one day? Try it. Take a day not planning to do anything at all. It is hard right? Our brain is wired to do things and to take rests in between. It feels uneasy without a job. There’s a saying, “An idle mind is the playground of the devil.” When we don’t give our brain a job, it seems to spiral downwards.
Having plans makes us feel alivebecause there is something to look forward. Without something to look forward to, life has no purpose and it may feel as though we are waiting to die. Though the truth is, no matter how many goals we have and how many things we have to do, we are still marching towards death.
Could it be possible that we make plans so we feel we exist? Is having plans a way to feed the ego’s existence?
It’s Time to Stop
Having plans can bring frustration when it does not come to fruition. Not only that. The time of death is uncertain. Having plans after plans can cause this fear that if death comes, these plans would come to a halt. Or you might never see the fruition of them.
Is it possible to do the tasks according to plans without thinking of its fulfilment? It is like going on a holiday. We plan and expect an enjoyable trip. But during the trip, we don’t feel it is special, and instead of being rested, we feel fatigued.
Imagine the possibilities spontaneity and acceptance can bring without us being attached to our plans and its fulfilment. Making plans is inevitable in life with family and work goals to fulfil. But many times, frustration and impatience set in because we want the plan to unfold as we had imagined it. A little inconvenience may cause blood to boil.
Not clinging to how a plan should be completed opens up fresh possibilities and creativity in spontaneous moments.
When I discovered that my mind was dissatisfied because I was hinging on my plans to unfold one day, I realised I had taken life for granted. I was not appreciating the moments I have. Even if there is nothing going on in my life, I have my breath. Watching the breath and wishing those around you well in meditation is a very pleasant job for the brain even in active life. My longing for a meditation retreat to reconfigure my mind of a bad year was really one of the causes for having a bad 2020.
Most of us go about our busy lives without questioning why there is a feeling of sadness, of dissatisfaction or frustration. I went through last year learning to lift my mind through relaxation. But it was not until I realised that even a small plan like wanting a meditation retreat could cause upheaval in the mind, that I became content with all that there is right here, right now.
Wise Steps:
Make goals without being attached to the plan its fruition. Allow spontaneity and flexibility to add creativity in what you do.
Give the mind a job to anchor it to the present (such as your breath) so it does not create an unrealistic image of your plans, which when unfulfilled can bring frustrations.
Take a pause to breathe in and out slowly every twenty minutes by setting a bell on repeat to help you rest and feel refreshed.
