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“Knowing the difference between solitude & loneliness”: A letter to my depressed 18-year-old self

“Knowing the difference between solitude & loneliness”: A letter to my depressed 18-year-old self

by | Sep 11, 2024 | Emotional-mastery, Read, Wellbeing

TL;DR: A heartfelt letter addresses the universal experience of loneliness, especially in social settings. This offers comfort through Buddhist teachings and modern research, emphasizing the importance of self-connection, mindfulness, and the distinction between loneliness and solitude. The letter concludes with three wise steps to cultivate inner peace and meaningful relationships.

Dear 18-year-old Self,

I see you. I see the weight of expectations pressing down on your shoulders, and the relentless need to have everything figured out. 

This pressure, this constant striving to meet your own and others’ expectations, has led you to a place of aimlessness and doubt. You feel lost when your goals remain unmet, and in these moments, loneliness wraps around you like a cold, unforgiving cloak.

Utterly Alone

I vividly remember that night in your university dorm room. The sounds of laughter and chatter filtered through the thin walls as your classmates gathered in the common area. You sat on your bed, laptop open but forgotten, staring at the door. You were surrounded by people and even friends, and yet you felt utterly alone.

You considered joining them. After all, wasn’t that what college was supposed to be about? Making friends, having fun, creating memories. But the thought of stepping into that room filled you with dread.

You knew you’d paste on a smile, laugh at the right moments, and make the appropriate small talk. But beneath it all, you’d still feel that gnawing emptiness, that disconnect. 

It wasn’t that your classmates were unkind or unwelcoming. They were good people, and on the surface, you got along well. But something was missing. The conversations never seemed to go beyond the superficial – classes, campus gossip, weekend plans. 

Something Deeper

You yearned for deeper connections, for conversations that would challenge your thoughts and stimulate your mind. You craved authenticity in a world that seemed content with the shallow and fleeting. You wanted to be understood. 

At that moment, the loneliness felt almost palpable. You could reach out and touch it, a barrier between you and the world outside your door.

You wondered if something was wrong with you. Why couldn’t you just be satisfied with what everyone else seemed to enjoy? 

Why did you always feel like you were on the outside looking in, even when you were right in the middle of things?

This experience, my dear self, is a poignant reminder that loneliness isn’t about physical isolation. It’s about emotional and intellectual connection. You can be in a room full of people and still feel profoundly alone if those connections are missing.

You aren’t alone in feeling lonely

But here’s what I want you to remember: this feeling, as isolating as it is, is more common than you think. Many others in that very room probably felt the same way, hiding behind their own masks of casual cheerfulness. 

The Buddhist teaching of dukkha reminds us that dissatisfaction and a sense of discontent are universal human experiences. As you navigate these feelings, consider also the words of the late Zen monk, Thich Nhat Hanh: “Loneliness is the ill-being of our time. We are lonely together.”

In the Samyutta Nikaya (SN 56.11), the Buddha teaches about suffering as a noble truth. He explains that being separated from what is pleasing and being united with what is unpleasing are forms of suffering. 

Your experience in that dorm room – being physically close to others but emotionally distant – is a modern manifestation of this ancient wisdom.

Loneliness & solitude

"Knowing the difference between solitude & loneliness": A letter to my depressed 18-year-old self

The funny thing that I’ve learnt over the years is that loneliness and solitude are not the same. It’s not how many people you try to fill your hours with, or the achievements, or social status that matters. Loneliness is a state of feeling disconnected. 

Solitude, however, is a chosen state of being alone, where you can find empowerment and contentment in your own company. This distinction is critical, as psychologist Netta Weinstein’s research highlights. 

This experience of loneliness, painful as it was, was also an invitation. An invitation to look inward, to understand yourself better, and to seek out the kinds of connections that truly nourish yourself. 

Her studies show that solitude can be a source of empowerment and positivity, whereas feelings of disconnection and sadness mark loneliness, and according to the US Surgeon General’s Report, it increases the risk of premature death by 50%, akin to the dangers of smoking (Rest in peace, Uncle Cheong. 12 cigs a day didn’t make you live till 90.)

It was a catalyst for growth, pushing you to explore what friendship and connection really mean to you, and more importantly, learning to find “home – a place within where you feel warm, comfortable, safe, fulfilled.” 

Going Home

"Knowing the difference between solitude & loneliness": A letter to my depressed 18-year-old self

This concept of “going home” is central to addressing loneliness. Thich Nhat Hanh teaches that “going home” means returning to the island of self through mindful breathing, sitting and walking. 

Within a few seconds, you connect with yourself. You know what is going on: what is going on in your body, what is going on in your feelings and your emotions, what is going on in your perceptions, and so on. He further explains, “By sitting down, you stop that state of being: losing yourself, not being yourself. 

Everyday you rush through life, going from one class to another, without really knowing what’s happening. Physically, you are there, but you do not know that you are there. You are alive, but it’s almost as though you do not know you are alive. And that is happening almost all day long. 

And when you sit down, you connect to yourself.” Every time we sit down on a cushion, we do so to connect with ourselves. Sitting down is an act of revolution, it is the way to heal ourselves and the collective loneliness of our society.

Your journey through loneliness is not just a personal struggle; it’s part of the greater human experience. By facing it with courage and compassion, you’re not only working towards your own healing but contributing to a more connected and compassionate world.

May you be free from suffering. May you find peace. May you know that even in your loneliest moments, you are part of something greater – there is a future ahead of you, where you will walk in solitude on a beautiful Sunday evening, taking in the sights and sounds of a lovely garden, feeling fully content, joyous and peaceful. I promise you these dark days will be over.  

I shall leave you with this final reflection: How can you connect with another person when you cannot connect with yourself?

With deep love,

Your Wiser Self (10 years later)

3 Wise Steps for anyone struggling with loneliness:

1. Practice Daily Mindfulness: Set aside time each day for mindful breathing or walking. This will help you connect with yourself and find peace within.

2. Embrace ‘solitude crafting’—intentionally planning fulfilling alone time. Use alone time for self-discovery and personal growth. Engage in activities that nurture your mind and body. Cultivate Authentic Connections: Seek out relationships that allow for deeper, more meaningful interactions. Quality matters more than quantity.

3. Seek Professional Help: If loneliness persists and impacts your well-being, consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counsellor. They can provide support and strategies to navigate through these challenging feelings.

How is mindfulness sustained effortlessly?

How is mindfulness sustained effortlessly?

by | Aug 2, 2024 | Mindfulness & Meditation, Read

This article is the final part of two instalments, edited from Sister Sylvia Bay’s Dhamma talk for the Global Buddhist Conference in December 2023. Part I can be found here

TLDR: Having discussed the challenges of sustaining mindfulness, Sister Sylvia explores two key conditions to cultivate continuous mindfulness: contentment and kusala (Pali translated as ‘skillful’) mind states.

Mindfulness is a mental state, no different from those you are more familiar with such as anger, pride, fear, worry, joy, faith, gratitude, compassion and so on. 

Like all mental states, it will arise in the presence of the right and necessary conditions.

“When this exists, that comes to be; with the arising of this, that arises. When this does not exist, that does not come to be; with the cessation of this, that ceases.” (SN 12.62 Uninstructed). 

What does this verse mean? The presence of mental conditions will lead to other mental states arising.

If I ask you to feel fear right now, you may not be able to do it. 

Because you are surrounded by people, in bright lighting and loud noises. The ‘necessary’ conditions for fear to arise are simply not there.

Perhaps you can still trigger some fear if you successfully ‘talk’ and convince yourself that something is frightening here. But even then, whatever smidgeon of fear you can summon with herculean effort will not last.

So what are the essential conditions for our mind to stay mindful?

Let’s flip it around and ask ourselves a different question, ‘what are the things that cause us to be so distracted?’ It goes back to what we had earlier said: kāma, bhava, vibhava taṇhā (craving for stimuli of the external and internal world).

Therefore, it makes sense that a key and necessary condition for mindfulness to arise with spontaneity and ease, must be some kind of ‘withdrawal’ from the shiny, busy, colourful world. 

I’m not talking about becoming a hermit and retreating to the high mountains or the deep forests. That is escapism and may not work if your mind still has a yearning (remember bhava/vibhava taṇhā).

I’m talking about moderation and contentment. We can’t be mindful of here and now, or of just being, when the mind is full of ‘stuff’. 

What stuff? The ‘stuff’ out there and the thoughts we construct. As long as we keep allowing ourselves to just indulge, enjoy, give free reign to desires and chasing, we are feeding the subconscious habit of craving. 

The more craving we have, the more thought construction there will be, and the more elusive is mindfulness. Just look at our own thoughts. They are all driven mostly by shades of desire and craving.

Moderation and contentment will mean much less thought constructions. Therefore, if we are serious about cultivating mindfulness, we must learn to make do and be more easily content. 

As Buddha had taught, learn to observe “body, feelings, mind and Dhamma” “keen, aware, and mindful, (and) rid of covetousness and displeasure for the world.” (AN 4.274)

We learn not to hanker after or seek solace in external sensuous objects: our handphones, personal electronic devices, music, computer games, and food. We learn to trim our to-do lists.

Learn not to keep filling our life with activities. Learn not to need constant company and chit-chats. Learn to be comfortable with solitude and quiet alone time. Learn to be comfortable doing nothing. 

I am not talking about being a couch potato and while away time fermenting in front of the TV, binging away. I really do mean not doing anything and just being aware, mindful of the body, breathing, and being content.

Another condition helpful for effortless mindfulness is presence of kusala (wholesome/skilful) mental states.

 The regular mind is typically filled with the more akusala (unwholesome/unskilful) types of mental states, underpinned essentially by lobha (greed) and/or dosa (anger). [We shall set aside moha (delusion) because it is less in your face so we are usually not as aware of their disruptive impact.]

Akusala mental states are powerfully gripping and trigger strong emotions which make experiences memorable and unforgettable.

Lobha is insidious: while less intense than dosa, its effects are lingering. You try forgetting that delicious plate of char kway teow. The unpleasant sensation of longing may be mild, but it’s persistent. It’s like a mild itch in your heart that constantly annoys and won’t go away.

Dosa is emotionally more impactful and hugely unpleasant but once it hits a high, the diminishing effects are obvious. As long as you don’t inject fresh narratives to fuel the anger, high emotions will fade. 

Nonetheless, once your mind is seized by these two mental drivers, equanimity and mindfulness are lost.

In contrast, kusala mental states are very pleasant, calming, steady, and settling. All kusala mental states will yield some measure of mindfulness. The stronger the kusala mental states, the steadier and more settled the mind. 

What are some of these supportive kusala mental states?

Faith – relatively easy to cultivate with a simple ‘ritual’ performed with understanding and mindfulness. 

Contentment and gratitude – both mental states are symbiotically intertwined. When one is content, one feels grateful. With gratitude, one feels joy. 

Other kusala mental states include kindness and compassion, love, friendliness, generosity, and so on. 

All powerful kusala mental states will trigger the release of wonderful feel-good neurochemicals such as dopamine, serotonin, endorphin and oxytocin that actually help with settling the mind and boosting mindfulness.

Wise Steps:

  1. To experience effortless mindfulness in daily life will require fundamental shifts in our habits and choices. 
  1. We must learn to moderate desires, become more easily content, become kinder, be more giving, be warmer and nicer
  2. When the 2Bs (be content, be kusala) are a natural part of you, your mind will settle into a general sense of effortless mindfulness.
Why Is Mindfulness So Hard?

Why Is Mindfulness So Hard?

by | Jul 31, 2024 | Mindfulness & Meditation, Read

Editor’s Note: This article is the first part of two instalments, edited from Sister Sylvia Bay’s Dhamma talk for the Global Buddhist Conference in December 2023.

TLDR: Mindfulness is an elusive aspect of Buddhist practice that many beginners find it hard to nail. Sister Sylvia acknowledges the challenges and offers three explanations on its impediments.

Arousing mindfulness in itself is not that difficult. Most of us, even when we were new to it, probably would not have much difficulty. The challenge, if any, is sustaining mindfulness. 

In this article, my reference to mindfulness is both the practice of mindfulness in a dedicated meditation sitting as well as mindfulness in daily life.

The Difficulty of Mindfulness

First, mindfulness in a meditation sitting: we sit, and focus our attention on a meditation object e.g., breathing. We settle mindful attention on the breathing. Mere moments later, attention drifts.

We will try again. Focus. 

Bring mindfulness to the breathing and again, attention drifts. 

Random thoughts intrude. Sounds beckon. 

We experience bodily discomfort. Mindful attention just does not stay put. Sounds familiar? Should this persist, we will feel discouraged and demoralised. 

The more we try, the more dukkha we feel. A ‘meditation’ sitting becomes a vicious cycle of aspirational hope, valiant effort, disappointment, dejection, maybe apprehension (about sitting again), even aversion. 

We may even give up and we have regrets.

Next, mindfulness in daily life – that is even harder. 

We may experience sporadic and periodic momentary mindfulness in daily life: five minutes here, six minutes there. 

Unfortunately, for the most times, it’s just that, sporadic and periodic.

Why is mindfulness so hard?

I offer three explanations. You may have your own unique circumstances, but the following are the generic ones.

1) Mindfulness is not a habit for the mind to stay put 

Our regular mind is easily distracted. I suspect this tendency is genetic. It is programmed into our genes to make sure that humans survive as a species and proliferate. Our genes are not particular whether or not we are happy but we must live on and multiply. 

So subconsciously, we are constantly on the lookout for ‘danger’. We may no longer be living in a dangerous world, but our genes are still stuck in primeval times. (That’s why we are still afraid of the dark and we are easily startled by loud and sudden unexplained sounds.) 

Subconsciously, we are sensitive to perceived ‘threats’ and are primed for fight or flight. 

The question is what are these threats in our time and space? 

Here in Singapore, a modern, economically advanced, stable, secure and peaceful land, where is the threat?

‘Threats’ are perceived. They may or may not be real but if your mind says they are there, they are.

In our world, ‘threats’ are anything that we perceive might diminish our pleasure, eat into our resources (time, money, space), and undermine our sense of well-being. At the same time, we are also on the perpetual lookout for ‘gains’, for the opportunity to consume, improve and enjoy more.

Hence, our mind could not stay put for long. It must constantly guard against threats (unpleasant and/or painful experiences) and seek out opportunities (for pleasurable and pleasant experiences). 

Mind will flitter from sensual objects to sensual objects in the external world, drawn or repelled by sights, sounds, smell, tastes and touch. Then it drifts inwards to review, replay, plan and construct. 

This random zig-zagging and flipping-flopping between worlds is incessant. While seemingly draining, this is what keeps us alive and going, beyond death, into the next birth. This is saṃsāra.

This is the habitual reality of our regular, untrained and uninstructed mind. 

Some of us are so used to it that we cannot even begin to conceive how a mind can stop zipping and settle quietly into the present, content with the here and now.

2) Too many desires 

Now,  the first explanation and the second are not the same. 1 is genetic. 2 is conditional arising and habits built over time.

Most of us have consciously or subconsciously developed and nurtured a constant stream of unrelenting wants and desires. We have an enormous appetite. Every new delightful or painful experience feeds desires and breeds more wants. 

The Buddha had broadly categorised the world’s vast spread of infinite desires into kāma taṇhā (craving for sensual pleasures), bhava taṇhā (craving for becoming) and vibhava taṇhā (craving for non-becoming).

Kāma taṇhā is the craving for the world of pleasurable senses (i.e., world without pain and unpleasantry): beautiful sights, alluring sounds, mesmerising scents, mouth-watering tastes, comforting and soothing touches.

Bhava (becoming) and vibhava (non/not becoming) taṇhā – they refer to our internal mind-made world: the mental constructs of the past and plans for the future. 

When we want to relive an experience, it is bhava taṇhā. When we want not to relive an experience or in extreme and rare cases when we wish for life to end, it is vibhava taṇhā. Our world within can be even more ‘real’, more convincing, more gripping than the world without.

All these taṇhā are intensely distracting. 

The Mind cannot settle and mindfulness cannot arise when our mental cauldron is bubbling with desires. 

The more intense the desire, the hotter the cauldron boils and churns. The more crowded that cauldron, the more clouded the mind. How can the mind settle? Mindfulness does not stand a chance.

3) ‘Wrong ditthi’ (View)

This third explanation on the topic is about lacking correct knowledge of how the mind works and how mindfulness arises. 

Many of us hold assumptions about what is ‘correct’ mindfulness practice. We may think that our struggle is about insufficient practice, not enough experience or not knowing the right steps to trigger mindfulness. 

Let’s explore two of the more common wrong views.

a. A common wrong view is we do not have enough practice and/or experience.

If we think our problem is this, our ‘solution’ is likely to be to ‘sit more, sit often, sit longer’.

We grit our teeth and force the mind to stay put on the object of focus. If the mind persists in drifting, we double down on concentration effort and maybe smack the mind a bit to force compliance. Stay up the night, if necessary. Sit on a hard floor with no back support.

Is this assumption correct? Well, yes and no.

Yes: certainly developing a daily habit of sitting at a particular time and a particular spot can wire the brain to get itself ready for a dedicated sitting. 

At the anointed time and space, you feel a draw to the meditation space. If your meditation object is breathing, and you are familiar with it, that familiarity can spill over to daily life; mindfulness will arise spontaneously whenever you happen to be aware of breathing.

But it can also be a NO because time (when you sit) and space (where you sit) is just form. By themselves, they are not enough to overcome some of the mental conditions that vex many a regular mind such as worry, restlessness, agitation, uncertainty and scepticism, regrets, distractions and so on and so forth.

In fact, if despite your best efforts, sustained and effortless mindfulness remains elusive, you will end up frustrated, demoralised, dejected, and even helpless. This is ‘spiritual’ dukkha (as opposed to mundane and material dukkha). 

You may spiral into a vicious cycle of trying to sit, being disappointed, feeling stressed and eventually giving up. This is when people start to sit less, from daily effort to alternate days, to only on the weekends, and eventually only at retreats.

b. Another common assumption why sustained mindfulness is elusive for us is we don’t know the ‘right steps’.

If you think so, you are likely to say, we need to get the SOP (Standard Operating Principles) right. We seek out meditation masters to learn ‘properly’.

We obsess about when to sit (morning, evening, before sleep, after meals), where to sit (on the floor, on a chair, in a quiet room, in meditation hall), how to sit (full lotus, half lotus, no lotus) and where to park mindful attention (on tip of the nose, before the face, on the stomach, on the chest).

We seek out renowned meditation teachers with the hope that they can teach us something special to steady the mind and settle mindfulness. We go for endless retreats because it is only there that we can focus and experience mindfulness.

These are all good to have but not essential. 

If the mental conditions are right, the mind will naturally steady and settle; it will be a breeze. There is no need for extraordinary efforts.

Wise Steps:

  1. Recognise that our minds are distracted by default;
  2. Understand the three different types of cravings and how they arise in our minds; and
  3. Check our practice for wrong views on cultivating mindfulness.
The Porn Predicament: A Candid Look at Sexual Desire Through a Buddhist Lens

The Porn Predicament: A Candid Look at Sexual Desire Through a Buddhist Lens

by | Jul 24, 2024 | Emotional-mastery, Read, Sex and porn

TLDR: With porn so prevalent to all of us, what is the Buddhist take on porn. How can we sustain the practice in a digitally saturated world?

Disclaimer: This article discusses the topic of pornography viewing and may be uncomfortable to some. Please proceed at your discretion.

In the modern world’s frenetic chaos, the Buddha’s teachings on letting go of craving and attachment can seem like ancient whispers easily drowned out by society’s loud siren calls for gratification. 

Nowhere is this tension more apparent than the omnipresent pornography that has seeped into our collective consciousness, and at an increasingly young age too. In Singapore, 9 out of 10 boys aged 13 to 15 have watched or read sexually explicit materials. 

For Buddhists navigating this dizzying digital era, the issue sparks a moral paradox – to indulge these carnal cravings through pornography’s vivid lens, or to abstain.

The Buddhist Perspective on Sensual Pleasure

On the surface, pornography embodies the very attachments Buddhism cautions against. The Buddha was explicit that sensual pleasures are fundamentally unsatisfying. 

The Buddha described sensual pleasures as “a chain of bones” (in the Alagaddupama Sutta) – with little satisfaction, much stress, much despair, and ensnaring us in a perpetual cycle of dissatisfactory craving. 

Similarly, in the Avassuta Pariyaya Sutta, the Buddha warns that one being “mastered” by sights, sounds, tastes and sensations leads to the growth of defilements like lust, resulting in future rebirth and suffering. Through this view, pornography, with its fictional displays intended to arouse, represents the apex of delusion, conjuring an artificial reality to satiate base desires.

The Pragmatic Approach

And yet, Buddhism teaches us to meet reality’s circumstances with pragmatism and an open mind, not dogmatic rigidity. Sexual desire is innate to the human experience, not something to be rashly suppressed or shamed.

Some argue that pornography may provide a safe, private way for individuals to explore their sexual curiosities and fantasies without risk of sexually transmitted infections or unwanted pregnancies. It is also asserted that it may offer an accessible avenue for releasing pent-up desires that might otherwise lead to misconduct from desperation. 

For those with unconventional desires and orientations, it also allows secure examination of their eroticism behind closed doors.

But is this a skillful means for Buddhists interested in living an ethical life and purifying their minds? Do individuals know when it is enough and when they are addicted to it? The lines are more blurred than some would think.

The Nature of Pornography

The Porn Predicament: A Candid Look at Sexual Desire Through a Buddhist Lens


Informing this debate is the very nature of pornography itself. Pornography, by design, perpetuates defilements the Buddha cautioned against. 

There are 16 defilements (upakilesa) that cloud the mind. The Thai saying, “Kilesa is the engine of sadness,” aptly captures this notion. Pornographic scenes hijack the brain’s dopamine reward system, and according to  Gary Wilson (Tedx Glassgow speaker), the dopamine hit can lead to two things: it signals to the brain that it has reached a dopamine peak, and it activates delta FosB, which triggers binge mechanisms and leads to more craving, creating a cycle. 

This can cause brain changes similar to those found in all addicts, leading to a numbed pleasure response where only the addict finds porn exciting and everything else becomes boring. 

This addictive feedback loop also means increasingly extreme material (more graphic violence, more risque, more illegal or elusive content) is required to feel aroused. Combined with the accessibility to this content, the viewer’s willpower erodes. 

What may begin as a “harmless” pleasure or a stress-release activity can increasingly darken the mind.

Ajahn Achalo shares his perspective on pornography here, that by embracing and familiarizing one’s mind with darkness, the mind gets dark, and further darkens as it feeds on more darkness. 

The Ethical Concerns

Research has also shown that 88% of the most popular porn scenes contain acts of sexual physical aggression, and 96% of scenes portray women as enjoying violence (Bridges et al., 2010) – and this belief that women subjected to sexual violence is acceptable can become internalised by impressionable viewers. 

The coercive underbelly of the industry, rife with exploitation and trafficking of real human beings, the majority being children, also cannot be ignored.

Stories recounted by former performers frequently include instances where they tried to back out of the scene or even the industry altogether and were threatened with legal action. 

Other stories include threats from industry agents for performers to do scenes that were not agreed upon beforehand. As Buddhists, are we perpetuating this abuse merely by partaking as consumers? 

Undoubtedly, for monastics who have renounced sensual indulgence, engaging in pornography and sexual acts is a clear violation of vows and precepts.

But for the householder still entrenched in worldly life, how can one relate skillfully to the natural urges of sexual desires?

Raga, or lust, is one of the most powerful desires – a finding well supported by neurobiology. Contrary to the modern belief that unbridled expressions of desire are a form of liberation, the Buddha considers desire as a form of slavery: when you have a desire, if you must and are compelled to follow it, these darken and cloud the mind. 

Instead, liberation in the Buddhist sense, points to a mind that is free from the deluding and darkening forces of desire, attachment and ignorance. It thus becomes radiant, free and peaceful. Most importantly, all of us have the potential to be awakened to this nature. 

Can Watch Or Not Watch?

Thus, the question of whether one can or cannot watch pornography, should be extended to consider how we can cultivate self-compassion amidst these potent forces of desires that cloud the clear, radiant nature of the mind. Furthermore, how we can we journey towards liberation from suffering with ethics, concentration and wisdom.

We can turn to the Handful of Leaves Podcast with Ven Damcho on the topic of sex for some enlightening insights. 

One key takeaway is to be brutally honest with where we are at, not shaming ourselves for having these natural urges or even, secretive impulsive habits of pornography and trying to pretend to be a saintly celibate “Buddhist”, whatever that means. 

Accepting where we are at in this journey, and acknowledging that the Buddha’s teachings are a gradual path of relinquishing our cravings is the first step towards happiness. 

Whether you watch porn or don’t, there is no Godly being that will condemn you, but really, if you feel empty, unhappy and lost as a result, the purpose of the teachings is for us to work out what is realistic or beneficial to our happiness, and taking committed actions towards that. 

And to ask ourselves with our own wisdom, what’s realistic, what’s beneficial, what is useful and caring and kind to others.

Start where you’re at 

One of the most effective techniques according to psychiatrist Dr K. for resisting the urge to view pornography is called “urge surfing.” 

This paradoxical approach recognises that directly fighting pornography cravings is often counterproductive, as the brain learns to intensify the urges when you resist and fail. Instead, urge surfing involves riding out the craving wave for 15-30 minutes without giving in. 

During this timeframe, the brain’s homeostatic tolerance mechanisms will kick in, allowing the intensity of the urge to subside on its own. To facilitate urge surfing, avoid fighting any battles you’re likely to lose against intense cravings. This reinforces a sense of powerlessness. 

Instead, try to strategically “pick your battles” by scheduling specific windows when pornography viewing is allowed.

This makes it easier to surf through cravings that arise outside of those designated times. With practice, you can strengthen your ability to mindfully experience urges without unconsciously acting on them or creating an irresistible struggle.

From objectification to connection 

Cultivating healthy intimate relationships grounded in genuine care, respect and compassionate communication allows sexuality to naturally blossom as an expression of profound human connection – rather than objectification or personal gratification. 

Lama Thubten Yeshe has an inspiring quote that always makes me pause, he said, “Often when we say, I love you to someone, what we really mean is I want to use you.”

A key practice to developing real connections with others is to regularly reflect with wisdom and honesty: Am I being wise and kind to myself and others?

Do I want to perpetuate sex as a commodity, viewing others as mere objects, as pieces of flesh to be consumed for fleeting pleasure, like food to satiate a craving?

Is this how I wish to relate to those I care for and to myself? By staying committed to wisdom and kindness, we can be open to intimacy and sex as an acceptance of the wholeness of another, rather than just pursuing personal gratification that inevitably breeds emptiness. 

Why are you dissatisfied with your current life?

The Porn Predicament: A Candid Look at Sexual Desire Through a Buddhist Lens

Similar to people who have an addiction to alcohol and drugs, porn is often used as an unhealthy coping mechanism, especially to get away from their thoughts of loneliness.

It is thus critical to address the root causes driving the behaviour of porn consumption, by building up alternative emotional regulation techniques. 

This could include mindfulness practices, exercising, gratitude journaling, seeking counselling, or visiting the Handful of Leaves Directory that promotes wholesome communities providing a sense of purpose and fulfilment. 

Establishment of mindfulness

In the podcast, Ven Damcho also suggests referencing the Buddha’s Satipaṭṭhāna Sutta on the establishment of mindfulness. First of all, we learn to identify our own states of mindminds of suffering, such as loneliness, emptiness or even attachment. 

Frankly, that’s not easy. When we’re in suffering, we are not identifying it. We are reacting.

When we’re stuck in attachment, our immediate thought is often “I want more. How do I have more of this pleasure?” However, this stance fails to recognize the attachment itself. 

By learning to identify the physical manifestations of our thoughts and emotions through meditation, we can cultivate a deeper understanding of their origins and implications. 

Adopting this introspective stance allows us to discern the consequences of our thoughts and emotions, guiding us towards wiser choices. Crucially, this process involves refraining from harsh self-criticism, as condemning ourselves for perceived shortcomings only perpetuates negative patterns. 

Judging ourselves as “bad and lustful” or “bad and angry” is not the antidote to attachment or anger; it only breeds more negativity.

Contemplating impermanence

The Porn Predicament: A Candid Look at Sexual Desire Through a Buddhist Lens. Why are you settling for Grade F happiness?

The antidote to any kind of attachment is often contemplating impermanence – reflecting on whether the desired object can bring everlasting pleasure or happiness, and considering if engaging with it harms ourselves and others. 

Slowing down and taking a long-term perspective can calm attachment. Instead of judging ourselves, we must cultivate wisdom by examining the causes, conditions, and effects our attachments produce.

 If we can clearly see that something is not bringing genuine happiness, we won’t settle for it. Venerable Thubten Chodron often says, “Why are you settling for Grade F happiness?” Our minds may protest, “It’s the only thing I know,” but there are sources of happiness outside of our attachments, like having an honest conversation with someone we care about. 

The key is moving forward in a way that brings more pleasure than lies or attachments ever could. In summary, choose wisely.

Wise Steps:

  1. Evaluate the facts around pornography, and reflect if it is something that you want to further imprint your mind with. Every action and perception, whether wholesome or unwholesome, that we actively consume leaves an imprint on our mind, and the more we do it, the deeper those grooves will get. So, what are we choosing to stain our minds with? 
  2. If you wish to change, take a gradual and multi-pronged approach addressing root causes, and always with kindness and compassion to oneself. Good luck!
Strength in the Sangha: Growing Together as a Buddhist Community (ft. Bro. Chye Chye)

Strength in the Sangha: Growing Together as a Buddhist Community (ft. Bro. Chye Chye)

by | Jul 4, 2024 | Podcast

Summary

🤔 Ever wondered what it truly means to take refuge in the Sangha? 🌱 In this episode, Cheryl and Brother Chye Chye explore the importance of this practice for personal and communal spiritual growth by understanding:
☸️ The significance and qualities of the noble Sangha
🙏 How we can find balance in relating to the Sangha
🔍 Checks and balances within the Sangha ecosystem

About the Speaker

Chye works in the wealth management industry. He not only plays the role of a banker to his clients but often as a counsellor, friend, confidant etc. As a trained engineer, he will often try to make Dhamma learning as simple and logical as possible.

Key Takeaways

Taking refuge in the Sangha, a core practice in Buddhism, goes beyond mere association—it signifies a deep commitment to learning and embodying the teachings of the Buddha. In a recent insightful discussion between Cheryl and Brother Chye Chye, the essence of going to the Sangha for refuge was explored, highlighting its transformative power in personal and communal spiritual growth.

Recollecting the Qualities of the Noble Sangha

Cheryl and Brother Chye emphasized that the Sangha consists of individuals who not only uphold but also live by the teachings of the Buddha. They embody qualities such as integrity and wisdom, serving as custodians of the Dhamma and an unsurpassable field of merit to the world. The Sangha inspires by teaching the Dhamma clearly and logically, motivated by compassion for the benefit of others, and without self-interest. They also inspire through their upright conduct, demonstrating integrity and adherence to Buddhist principles. These qualities collectively inspire practitioners by offering clear guidance and serving as authentic examples of living according to the Dhamma.

Supaṭipanno bhagavato sāvakasaṅgho
Ujupaṭipanno bhagavato sāvakasaṅgho
Ñāyapaṭipanno bhagavato sāvakasaṅgho
Sāmīcipaṭipanno bhagavato sāvakasaṅgho
Yadidaṃ cattāri purisayugāni aṭṭha purisapuggalā
Esa bhagavato sāvakasaṅgho
Āhuneyyo pāhuneyyo dakkhiṇeyyo añjalikaraṇiyo
Anuttaraṃ puññakkhettaṃ lokassā ti

Saṅghānussati (Recollection of the Sangha)

Translation:

Of good conduct is the Order of the Disciples of the Blessed One.
Of upright conduct is the Order of the Disciples of the Blessed One.
Of wise conduct is the Order of the Disciples of the Blessed One.
Of proper conduct is the Order of the Disciples of the Blessed One.

This Order of the Disciples of the Blessed One, namely these Four Pairs of persons, the eight [types of] individuals,
is worthy of gifts,
worthy of hospitality,
worthy of offerings,
worthy of reverential salutation,
and is an incomparable field of merit for the World.

Saṅghānussati (Recollection of the Sangha)

Balancing Guidance from Teachers and Self-Reliance

The discussion highlighted the importance of balancing the need for guidance from teachers with trusting one’s own mindfulness to progress on this path. This delicate balance ensures that practitioners benefit from the collective wisdom of the Sangha while also nurturing their self-reliance on this spiritual journey. When relating to monastics, it’s skillful to understand that bowing to them signifies respect for the entire Sangha community of the past, present and future. This practice ensures that our refuge lies in the qualities and collective practice of the Sangha, rather than solely in individual persons, thereby safeguarding our faith in the Triple Gem.

Checks and Balances within the Sangha Ecosystem

Delving into the nuances of community dynamics, Cheryl and Brother Chye Chye explored the significance of offering constructive feedback within the Sangha. They emphasized that fostering a supportive environment is crucial for growth and harmony on the spiritual path. By engaging in respectful dialogue and mutual support, practitioners contribute to a nurturing community that facilitates collective progress.

In conclusion, Cheryl and Brother Chye Chye’s discussion on taking refuge in the Sangha illuminates the profound implications of this practice within Buddhism. By embracing the qualities of integrity, wisdom, and communal support, practitioners not only deepen their spiritual practice but also contribute to the preservation and propagation of the Dhamma. Ultimately, the Sangha serves as a beacon of inspiration and guidance, guiding individuals on their journey towards awakening and enlightenment.

Transcript:

Full Transcript

[00:00:00] Cheryl: Welcome to the Handful of Leaves podcast. My name is Cheryl. And today I have with me a special guest, Brother Chye Chye.

[00:00:08] Chye: Hello, Brother Chye Chye.

Hello Cheryl. Hi.

[00:00:10] Cheryl: So Brother Chye Chye is a Dhamma practitioner, a student of the Buddha, and he loves cats and dogs. Yes, yes, yes.

I’ll let him introduce the names of his cute little cats and dogs.

[00:00:22] Chye: Okay I have a handful of animals at my place. So I have two dogs and two cats. My first dog is called Bodhi, and my second dog is called Metta. My two other cats, one cat is called Satta. The other cat is called Citta.

My aim is that you put them together then it means something like Bodhisatta, Bodhicitta.

[00:00:43] Cheryl: Last time I went to Brother Chye Chye’s house and it was quite funny because Metta was kind of hyper. And then I think Brother Chye Chye was scolding, Metta! Sit down! Metta! Stop it!

[00:00:56] Chye: No Metta already.

[00:00:57] Cheryl: Yeah, I found it so funny and ironic.

[00:01:02] Chye: Yeah, it’s very active, very active. Also means it has a lot of Metta for everyone. So it’s very friendly to everyone and wants to play with everyone.

Yeah, that’s right.

[00:01:09] Cheryl: Today I’ve invited Brother Chye Chye for a challenging topic.

So it’s relating to the idea of taking refuge in the Sangha, which we always do, and really wanting to dig deep to understand what does it mean to respect the Sangha, what does it mean to take refuge in them, and to what extent should we rely on them and on ourselves in this practice.

[00:01:39] Chye: Okay, okay. Let me answer the first part about taking refuge in Sangha. I think that’s what most Buddhists would do. And it’s commonly done, I mean, when you first become a Buddhist, you take refuge in the Triple Gem and one of them is the Sangha, right? So let me break it down into two parts, right? So one is taking refuge.

And one is the Sangha, right? So, what does taking refuge mean, right? So, by the word it means that you’re actually taking shelter? or you go to a place that’s very safe, right? Or someone or a place that you have trust and confidence in, right? Because when you are at that place or when you’re with somebody or when you’re with the object, it actually protects you from danger in whatever sense, right?

So typically when somebody take refuge in the triple gems, you also mean that you want to follow this path. You have confidence in this path to protect you from the danger of the world and all the dangers of the mind or the Akusala mind, right? The great, hatred, delusion. And it’s also coincidentally when you want to be a Buddhist, the first thing that you do is to take refuge in the Triple Gem, Buddha, Dhamma, and Sangha, right?

So that is the taking refuge part. Then let me talk about the Sangha right? Ideally, Sangha in the Buddha’s time, it referred to the Ariya Sangha, right? That’s why in the recitation of the qualities of the Sangha, you talk about the four pairs of person, the eight types of individuals, right? And there’s nowhere that they talk about donning the robes. Right. It’s all about the qualities of the Sangha, right?

So Ariya Sangha means one who have realized at least a first stage of sainthood because in a Buddhist practice especially in the Theravada practice, when you practice Dhamma, you have different attainment, right?

So if you attain the first stage of Enlightenment, that qualifies you as an Ariya Sangha and in total there are four stages. Yeah. Okay. So that’s Ariya Sangha. But nowadays, conventionally, they are the monastic community who are in robes or they are ordained, right? And they are the representative of the monastic community, who devote their lives to the practice of Dhamma. And they’re important because they’re the ones who’ve shared, preserved and practiced the Dhamma for 2600 years.

And today we can still learn the Dhamma because of them.

So taking refuge in Sangha now has two levels. One I call the external level, right? So it’s about having confidence. in the qualities of the ideal Sangha, and also in the monastic Sangha community, which has helped to preserve the teaching until today. So that’s the external part, right? But more importantly, it’s also about the internal part.

Internal refuge to the Sangha, what does it mean? It’s about having that confidence in ourselves that one day we can be purified to become the ideal Sangha. So from external, it must come to internal. That’s why the Buddha said that, you know, in the Parinirvana Sutta, he said mendicants or bhikkhus, be an island unto yourself.

Now be your own refuge with no other refuge. What does it mean? If you look at the quality of the Triple Gem, the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha, we all can have the quality if we practice the Dhamma well and we follow the path. So that to me is taking refuge in the Sangha externally and internally. Yeah.

[00:04:58] Cheryl: And I’m very curious to hear from you about your journey in taking refuge in the Sangha.

How has that evolved from the first day you took refuge until today?

[00:05:09] Chye: Wow. Very different. It’s totally different. Because initially when I take refuge in the Sangha or in the Triple Gem, right? Buddha, Dhamma, Sangha, right? It’s really the form, right? The Buddha Rupa, the texts, the teachings, followed by the monastic form. But as you go deeper and deeper into the practice, you start to realize the Triple Gem, it’s about the qualities, the qualities of the Buddha. Although the Buddha is not around, but we can still feel the qualities of the Buddha, you know, the timeless teaching, the Dhamma and the Sangha who have practiced well and practiced right.

And because you take refuge in the qualities of the Triple Gem, you yourself will want to aspire to achieve those qualities in the Triple Gem. Something you’re confident in that you can achieve. Then you realize that actually the Triple Gem are all within us. We can achieve an awakened mind. We can taste the Dhamma. And Sangha just means that one day, we can be the ideal Sangha that the Buddha talked about. So right now, the Triple Gem has a very special meaning for me.

It means that I myself, if I walk the path correctly, the Triple Gem is inside me, and I take refuge in that Triple Gem.

[00:06:19] Cheryl: I find that so beautiful that you are able to take the journey from taking refuge of an external object to moving it into characteristics and qualities that you could embody within yourself.

[00:06:32] Chye: Yeah. So now taking refuge in the Triple Gem become very meaningful for me. It’s no longer something that’s external, but I’ve moved into the internal part of me that I want to achieve. I can achieve. I have the potential to achieve. Yeah.

[00:06:45] Cheryl: And can you share more about the qualities and I guess perhaps elaborating a bit more specifically on the qualities of the Sangha in the ideal sense that the Buddha expounded?

[00:07:00] Chye: Okay, if you look at the phrase, it’s talking about Sangha members who practice in a very honest way, practice correctly, and practice in a way that inspires people, right? And of course, if you practice that way, one day you can attain the fruits of the Dhamma or the fruits of the path.

And that’s why there are four pairs and eight types of individuals and that these are the people who we call the Ariya Sangha, right? These are the people that bring immense merits to the world. That’s why in the phrase it is said that they’re an unsurpassed field of merits for the world, because this group of Sangha, not only they are harmless, but they also are very beneficial to the world when they share the teaching, when they share the path, and when they guide you accordingly in the practice itself. And they’re also worthy of gifts, worthy of hostility, and worthy of offering, because they themselves have walked the path, they themselves have benefited from the path and have realized and now they share the Dhamma. And that’s the reason why they are worthy of all these offering, gifts and hospitality. So to me, this is the ideal quality of Sangha that is set by the standard and also something that we all can achieve. We all can achieve if we walk the path correctly.

[00:08:12] Cheryl: So you’re saying one was they walk correctly. Secondly is, they walk in an inspiring way.

[00:08:19] Chye: Yes. Inspiring way. That’s right.

[00:08:21] Cheryl: And I think two more would be with integrity and with insight.

[00:08:26] Chye: With integrity, honest, you practice honestly in a very honest way.

[00:08:29] Cheryl: Okay. And I think the point that you mentioned about inspiring is something very interesting because inspiring can be sometimes based on lay person’s expectations. So for example, I can feel a teacher to be inspiring because they sit in a very straight manner. But then sometimes I see another monastic member from a different tradition where they are constantly just scratching or fidgeting and they appear uninspiring.

But then I hear from other people that, Hey, this teacher is very well attained. So what exactly do you by inspiring? Is it through observing their conduct?

[00:09:07] Chye: I think there are two parts. One is observing what they say, right? How they teach and what they say, right? And Buddha is very specific about how one should teach the Dhamma.

For example, he said that the qualities of a good Dhamma speaker is one who can speak very clearly and one who can speak very logically. Clear and logical. And he also speak in a sense that it is out of compassion for people and for the benefit of people. And the fifth one is about not speaking because he wants to have anything for himself.

Right? So if you look at the qualities of a Dhamma speaker or someone who is inspiring, right? There’s nothing which talks about charisma. No, there’s nothing about charisma or how popular this person is. It’s about whether this person can guide you in a very clear way, logical way. And the thing that they speak is very beneficial to you as well.

So that’s one part about speaking the Dhamma. And second thing is about the conduct. That’s the reason why the Buddha also say that when you want to observe someone, you must observe for a time frame, whether his conduct is in sync with what he says. Let’s say this person says that I’ll keep the precepts, you must make sure that the conduct lives up to the standard of keeping the precepts of being mindful and things like that.

These are two things I observe in the Sangha. One is how they teach not in a charismatic way, but in a way that they are very clear in our teaching and beneficial to other people. And one is their conduct. Their conduct must be in a way that is inspiring in the sense that they are honest with the practice. They live up to the standard of whatever they say. So that to me is inspiring. Yeah.

[00:10:46] Cheryl: Thanks for very clearly explaining this. Yeah, because I think in the age of Facebook, I tend to find myself guilty of trusting a teacher a little bit more if they have more likes on their page, more shares, they’re more charismatic and popular and things like that.

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So, so thanks for, for bringing it back to the sutta and reminding us clearly. And at the same time, there are also a lot of news or articles about monastic members who kind of go sideways. So sometimes when I pay respect or meet a new monk that I’ve never met before, I can tend to be a little bit skeptical.

What is the way that we should relate to monastics skillfully? What are we paying respect to when we bow down to the robes?

[00:11:33] Chye: I think we have to be very clear that when we bow to a Sangha or to a group of Sangha, it’s bowing to the whole Sangha community of the four directions. In the past, present, and future.

And that’s what the Buddha said, right? If you bow to a Sangha, they represent the Sangha community. When you bow, it’s not bowing to the person itself, but bowing to the Sangha community, the community that preserves the Dhamma, that practices the Dhamma. And the Buddha specifically said in all direction, and in all past, present, and future.

And this is very important. Why? Because it’s again that we take refuge, right? We take refuge in the Sangha. It’s not about the person. We take refuge in the qualities. and in the community who practice well and practice together, right? And it’s important because if you take refuge in a person itself, what if the person doesn’t live up to the expectation?

Then either your faith will dwindle or your faith will just fall apart and then you lose faith in the triple gem. So that’s something that I always remind people to be very careful. When you bow to the Sangha, it’s really to the community, not to the person itself. Yeah. Cause sometimes a person can fall short.

We never know.

[00:12:46] Cheryl: That’s true. We’re setting ourselves up for disappointments if we just put our faith a hundred percent in a person.

[00:12:54] Chye: Correct. That’s right.

[00:12:55] Cheryl: I’m curious, in your journey as a student of the Buddha, how to find that balance on relying on your teacher’s guidance and relying on your own wisdom and mindfulness when you meet with challenges.

[00:13:09] Chye: I think you need both. You need both. A Dhamma practice requires two parts, right? One is the knowledge. Knowledge means the Dhamma, how to practice, what to practice, and what should you be experiencing with the practice.

So these are the Dhamma knowledge, right? The knowledge itself. The other part is the practice. It means that you put this knowledge into practice, right? And when you practice well and certain experience come through your practice, that’s according to the knowledge, that’s what I call insight.

So Dhamma practice means for the knowledge and the practical side starts to gel together and that’s the insight. Okay. So that’s, that’s for me the Dhamma practice. So to me, an ideal teacher or teacher should have this two parts come together, right? He should be able to give you the instruction and he should be the one that have realized some part of the instruction.

And that’s the reason why he goes to the teacher, to ask for guidance. When we practice or when we meet with any obstacle, we go to them, right? And to me, a teacher is important as well as our own practice. Why? It’s because sometimes the mind can play a lot of tricks on us. Sometimes we find excuses or sometimes we can be too overzealous.

And so that’s why we need a teacher to really guide us and bring us back to a balance. So to me, a teacher and your own practice, it must come hand in hand together. And it must be like that. Because even the Buddha said that, you must frequently visit a Sangha or visit a community to discuss Dhamma, to share Dhamma or to talk about Dhamma. And we also know that in the Mangala Sutta, one of the highest blessings is to be able to share Dhamma or to learn Dhamma from a Sangha community or a teacher itself. Yeah.

[00:14:54] Cheryl: Was there a time where you lean too much on one end or the other?

[00:14:57] Chye: Yes and no lah. I’m a Libra right, so Libra tends to be a bit more balanced. Me too, I’m a Libra! Are you a Libra too? Yeah, I’m a Libra. So, my logical and emotional sides can be quite balanced. So for example, let’s say I really like a teacher, I learn the teaching, and I feel that I’m too attached to the teacher, then I’ll pull back.

But if you want to know when you lean too much, it’s when you follow a teacher and you find that you just believe 100 percent the teacher without verifying. That’s, I think it’s a bit too much, right?

Or you do your own practice and believe yourself too much. That you don’t go to a teacher anymore, or you don’t seek guidance anymore, and become very egoistic, right? And so that’s also a danger to realize. So, a good balance is where there is a time for us to practice. And then when you meet your obstacles, there’s a time for you to discuss Dhamma with a teacher and to seek guidance.

So that to me is a well balanced practitioner.

[00:15:49] Cheryl: Wonderful. And I resonate a lot with that. I am the type who can become quite attached to a teacher. And then sometimes I notice that my mind becomes very biased when I see teachings from other teachers or other traditions. I’ll be like, but my teacher said it better.

[00:16:06] Chye: That’s right.

[00:16:06] Cheryl: Then that’s when I know, I need to check myself on this and watch this attachment.

[00:16:12] Chye: Right, right. I mean, all these are attachments, but sometimes it’s just like that. People will get attached to things that they like. So it’s also a practice for us to realize that it’s also attachment and pull back.

[00:16:22] Cheryl: And now we move gears a little bit. Sometimes you can hear criticisms about Sangha members, but sometimes it’s unfounded. You also don’t know whether it’s true or not. And we can get a bit confused. What is a practical advice on how we can go about being skillful?

[00:16:41] Chye: I think to me it’s about okay, if that particular conversation it’s not factual, it’s not helpful and not kind. I’ll typically just ignore it. For example, people talk about, oh, no, that Sangha member he look very proud. Not factual, right? Not factual and not helpful.

So I’ll just ignore it. I’ll just avoid discussing that conversation. But having said that, I also think that sometimes we have to give a benefit of doubt to people who are saying it. We must see where the person is coming from, right? If let’s say it’s a very genuine concern about a Sangha, then probably we can discuss about it with a very open mind and see where are the facts and what are the things that the person is trying to say. Because I find that sometimes in the Buddhist community, when somebody talks about Sangha, it’s taboo, it’s bad karma, right?

So we need to provide a safe place for people to express their genuine concern about a Sangha rather than brush it off. It’s a balance between assessing whether what they’re saying is helpful, is it factual or not? Or is it a genuine concern? If it’s a genuine concern, then probably we can explore and discuss about it so that this community can thrive.

This community can grow together and be honest with each other.

[00:17:53] Cheryl: Yes. And that is very helpful advice. Because I had a conversation with a friend recently and she was feeling very troubled by the things that she’s hearing. And the first thing she feels is that, Oh no, what is going to happen to my practice if my teacher is truly like that. And then the second thing is everyone say, don’t talk about this. Don’t talk about this. It’s bad karma. Exactly. Like you mentioned.

 Negative things, we sometimes need to still bring it up in a skillful way. It’s for the longterm benefit for the community to thrive.

[00:18:25] Chye: Correct, correct. I think it’s important to create a safe space for people to really express their genuine concern.

But yet we also need to have a safe space for people who talk nonsense about Sangha, like very unhelpful, or even cast their own expectation on the Sangha, say he should like this, he should like this. So it’s a balance, right? And that balance comes with certain mindfulness. You check whether, Hey, he’s talking about this, is it helpful or is it real or is it factual?

So this is something that we had to take care of. Yeah, yeah.

[00:18:53] Cheryl: Then to what extent is it a layperson’s duty to provide feedback to monastic members?

[00:19:02] Chye: It’s. Absolutely a lay person responsibility really to me. If you go back to the Buddha’s time, most of the Vinaya came about because the lay people went and complained to the Buddha. And the Buddha said, yeah, it’s true. It shouldn’t be like that. So let me have the Vinaya rule about this. Yeah. So in the past it was like that. The lay people will go to the Buddha and feedback. So they’re like the quality control of the Sangha. And that’s how the Sangha community grow, and grow so much during the Buddha’s time.

Because there’s this mutual trust among each other that the bhikkhu teach the right Dhamma, and the lay people will also give feedback to the bhikkhus or the monastic Sangha. And to me, it’s important because we are the ones who support the Sangha. We are the ones who help the Sangha grow.

In a way, we are also responsible whether the Sangha are going the right or the wrong way. And to me, there’s a baseline. About the four Pārājika rules, right, because you know that monastic Sangha, there are different Vinaya rules, right? So if it’s about the four very serious rules that they shouldn’t breach, for me, I will just go to wherever the temple or to the place and give a feedback for them to investigate.

[00:20:09] Cheryl: It’s very clear cut on that.

[00:20:10] Chye: Yeah, that’s me. But for other things like minor issues, maybe the robes are improper, I don’t really bother. These are things that does not bring harm to other people. So my baseline is, if the conduct brings harm to other people, especially to devotees, for me, I’ll just voice out, because it’s really our responsibility to make sure that we check on each other.

So the Sangha teach us the Dhamma and we also help the Sangha to grow in a pure way.

[00:20:34] Cheryl: Thank you very much Brother Chye Chye for today’s short and snazzy episode where we learn how to relate to the Sangha skillfully, what it means to take refuge.

And I hope to all our listeners, you take away one or two points that help you to improve your practice and to continue to grow together with the Sangha community both in the external form as well as the internal qualities within yourself. Any last words?

[00:20:59] Chye: Yes. If you are interested in, I mean to me, if you want to grow in the Dhamma, have a relationship with Sangha, I think it’s good also to know what their rules are.

Right. A book that’s quite interesting, it’s called The Bhikkhu Rules for lay people. So it summarizes how should they conduct themselves and what are the rules and things like that. When you read all these rules, you’ll find that you’re very inspired by them because it’s such a thorough training for the monastic. So both ways, when you know it, you will roughly know how is it like, and you’ll also be inspired by the community.

[00:21:31] Cheryl: Thank you so much, Brother Chye Chye and to all listeners, see you again in the next episode.

Resources:

Special thanks to our sponsors:

Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña, Shuo Mei, Arif, Bernice, Wee Teck, Andrew Yam, Kan Rong Hui, Wei Li Quek, Shirley Shen, Ezra, Joanne Chan, Hsien Li Siaw, Gillian Ang, Wang Shiow Mei, Ong Chye Chye, Melvin, Yoke Kuen

Editor and transcriber of this episode: 

Cheryl Cheah, Susara Ng, Ke Hui Tee

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