TLDR: What is conditioned and unconditioned love? Unconditioned love is not a commodity we exchange in the market like conditioned love. We explore the consequences of unconditioned love in our mind and heart in discerning the thought of love.
This is a reflection piece as contemplated by the author based on the Buddha’s teachings. As such, it may not contain the truths as taught by the Buddha. The author hopes the reader takes away useful bits that may resonate and discard whatever parts that make no sense without any aversion. The author also encourages anyone interested in TWIM to find out more as what is shared in this article may not reflect the correct method.
Prior to this year’s Chinese New Year, I embarked on a loving-kindness meditation retreat at home. I have never been very successful with loving-kindness as a daily meditation object in the past. I usually use breath or body sensations as they are easier to detect. Loving-kindness is the first of the Four Sublime States and it grows into compassion, joy and equanimity. Loving-kindness has also been called unconditional love or metta in Pali, an ancient Magadha language used in the suttas (discourses of the Buddha) of Theravada Buddhism. This post is about discerning the thoughts of love using metta meditation, one of the meditation objects taught by the Buddha. It is particularly useful for those with a lot of ill will (ranging from impatience, fear, restlessness, boredom to pride).
Method Used for Loving-Kindness Meditation
For the home retreat I joined Dhamma Sukha Center’s online meditation retreat. The abbot of the center, Bhante Vimalaramsi teaches metta meditation, which he terms Tranquil Wisdom Insight Meditation (TWIM). The method entails wishing oneself well and bringing up the qualities of a living spiritual friend in one’s mind to raise the feelings of love within when the feeling fades.
Needless to say, we mostly experience dull neutral feelings ranging from boredom, fatigue, to annoyance and restlessness in a day. No one actually makes an effort to replace these feelings with the feeling of love in oneself unless of course, one is interested in meditation and contemplation.
The TWIM method entails letting every thought go by releasing tension in the head. It reminds me of Soto Zen meditation where thoughts are being let go of every moment. Bhante Vimalaramsi suggests that whenever a thought arises, there is a subtle tightening in the head area. Let go of the tension, bring up a smile to help lighten the heart. As a beginner at this, I felt a bit confused at the start of the home retreat. However, I soon found out that it is easier to let go of every thought, and then bring up the feeling of love in the heart. Thoughts are like endless arrows shooting at the mind. The mind curiously enjoys being shot at by thoughts, even if they are nonsensical. When it is not possible to let go of the thought, it may be better to replace them with the feeling of love by directing one’s attention to thoughts of wishing one well or thinking of the qualities of a spiritual friend one admires. As Ayya Khema puts it, the more you think about something, the feeling grows.
Contemplating Unconditional Love
Unconditional love is a big word and is indeed hard to understand. It is even harder to know. Conditioned love as taught in Buddhism depends on the six sense bases to arise. Meaning, it is dependent on contact with others, therefore it is impermanent. It is impermanent because it is dependent on another person who gives us love not to change his/her mind to love us.
Unconditional love, on the other hand, exists within oneself. It does not require another person to light up love in our hearts. When we light it up ourselves, we are the fuel of love in our hearts without needing another.
Most of us think that it is impossible. But unconditional love could actually be a natural quality of our being, hidden and covered up by our dual thoughts of likes and dislikes. During my short retreat, I saw how my consciousness differentiated between two people who could and could not bring up metta in my heart. The cause of suffering is consciousness itself dividing perceptions into likes and dislikes. Therefore the cause of non-suffering is consciousness itself released from likes and dislikes.
Although unconditional love could be an innate quality we have not looked into, our habitual dwelling in dull feelings tending towards wanting or not wanting to be someone or somewhere else covers up this love already within us. Through meditation and contemplation on metta itself, we uncover our true nature.
Separating Unconditional Love from Conditioned Love
When we love someone, we treat it as love being directed to someone. In this way, love seems to become a commodity. We live in a commercial world and our minds function like a marketplace of give and take. Our idea of love has also been continually conditioned by movies that talk about love as finding someone who loves us, otherwise, we do not have it. This is conditioned love. Conditioned love requires an ‘I’, a possessor who owns the commodity of metta to exchange it in the marketplace. When someone returns it with a similar or better quality of love, the possessor then measures it periodically. If the love given by another does not weigh the same as what one has given, one then slowly withdraws it from the other.
Unconditioned love, however, does not have a possessor or an ‘I’, because it does not require outer conditions for arising. Only an ‘I’ need someone to give ‘me’ love. Therefore, unconditioned love cannot be exchanged as a commodity. In this way, metta can grow in one’s consciousness without needing anyone or anything to ignite it. We can be the condition for love to arise in our own hearts by consciously replacing all kinds of thoughts with metta. Consciousness is changeable from dullness, boredom, restlessness to worry in a day based on outer conditions. If effort and mindfulness is used to replace all feelings consciously with metta, then consciousness itself is metta. And consciousness is itself the sole condition for metta.
The Consequence of Discerning Love
Does this mean that someone who is able to bring up love in his/her heart unconditionally is someone who cannot love others? On the contrary, no. One who practices replacing all thoughts and feelings with metta becomes love itself, like a flame on a candle radiating light throughout a dark room.
Love truly begins within oneself. If there is no love within oneself, one can be easily hurt by others. One will expect and weigh the amount of love from another. The consequence could be discontentment, jealousy and possessiveness.
When one is sufficiently apt at bringing up metta in one’s heart unconditionally, s/he will cease to judge others, because protecting the love within becomes so important. One may find that going back to this inner unconditioned love within is the refuge one needs, compared to being dependent on another’s love and bringing stress to a relationship.
A person can get tired of thinking of a beloved person for a sustained period of time, but never tire of being absorbed in the metta one has generated within oneself.
Wise Steps:
Whenever there is time in between tasks, look within to find if there is a feeling of hurt or regret.
If hurt or regret exists in your heart, quickly remedy it with anyone who may be involved for the feelings to arise.
Replace the feeling of hurt or regret and forgive oneself, if the matter cannot be resolved. Be kind to yourself.
After you find you have forgiven yourself for anything that might have brought hurtfulness and regret, replace any existing feeling with metta by wishing yourself well. We cannot spread metta to others if none exists within our hearts.
The stresses experienced in life are self-afflicted. External circumstances are largely beyond our control. While changing the world is difficult, we can shift our perspective about it. Meditation allows us to look inwards to investigate the causes of stress in order to uproot them and to plant the seeds of peace. Meditation allows us to realise how we can truly be at home with ourselves and the world.
In the last decade, mindfulness meditation has taken the world by storm. There is a rise in meditation teachers, gurus, and techniques.
Meditation is a practice that exists even before the time of the Buddha. In fact, before the Buddha attained enlightenment, in his search for liberation, he learnt meditation under two great masters of his time. However, the practices weren’t adequate in helping him realise the end of suffering, which led him to figure out on his own. After his own successful attainment of the Truth, the Buddha preached Right Mindfulness as one of the factors of the Noble Eightfold Path.
Secular Mindfulness vs Mindfulness in Buddhism
The difference between most secular mindfulness practices and the mindfulness that the Buddha taught is its aim.
Mindfulness generally means the state of being aware. It is not inherently ethical or unethical, and can be used for good or for bad. A thief can have mindfulness and apply it to unwholesome activities. While committing a crime, he or she can be aware of the surrounding movements to avoid being caught red-handed.
On the wholesome side, doctors, schools, and teachers are advocating secular mindfulness practices for the betterment of society’s welfare. One can meditate to improve health and relationships, regulate emotions, and perform better in school and at work.
Having said so, these practices may only provide temporary relief if we are after conditional happiness. What is conditional happiness? Happiness that arises only when conditions are good – good health, good career, good relationship, etc. But once things go south, we become depressed, or we have to be willing to look on the bright side.
(Right) Mindfulness in Buddhism is part of the Noble Eightfold Path, which propels us towards lasting peace and the complete liberation from suffering. We meditate with the intention of understanding the root causes of our dissatisfactions and how to let go of them.
We gain realisations and insights into the truths of nature –
What is conditioned is subject to change (aniccā),
What is subject to change cannot be identified as “self” (anattā),
Wanting what is impermanent to be permanent and attaching a self-identity to what is constantly changing give rise to dissatisfaction (dukkha).
Understanding these truths, we free our minds from states such as greed, hatred, and ignorance, which do not benefit us. This snowballs into how we speak and act in our daily lives. Just like how we know not to touch a hot kettle, we will develop the wisdom to not carry thoughts of ill-will in order to not let them burn us.
Hence, (Right) Mindfulness in Buddhism is practised holistically with other aspects of the path – factors of virtues and wisdom. For example, if a person does not conduct himself virtuously in the day and carries evil thoughts about others, settling his mind during meditation would be difficult. And if a person develops mindfulness, he can become more aware of unwholesome thoughts and prevent them from turning into unskilful actions. Experiencing the benefits of this, he sets the intention to develop his mindfulness even more.
Like a well-oiled machine, the different parts of one’s life work together simultaneously to liberate us from the causes of suffering.
While we differentiate secular mindfulness and mindfulness in Buddhism, the mindfulness meditation that the Buddha preached is not exclusive to Buddhists. Mindfulness in Buddhism can be practised by anyone who wishes to transcend dissatisfactions in life and to attain unconditional happiness.
Don’t be fooled by the motionless warm bodies you see in meditation photos, videos, or in real life. 99% of the time, the default mode of the brain is to think. Rather than constipating yourself by forcing thoughts to go away, embrace them, and befriend them. Your thoughts are clues that reflect your fears, insecurities, attachments, etc. Meditation is about understanding yourselves and nature, so that you can adopt skilful measures to change your life for the better.
Meditation isn’t just about being calm and relaxed
Calm and relaxation are the fringe benefits of meditation and not the main goal. The main goal of Buddhist meditation is to purify the mind from greed, hatred, and delusion. With a still mind, insight can arise to help us see the true nature of things. The moment we gain insight into this, our hearts become cool. The benefits of meditation go beyond the meditation cushion. We begin to respond rather than to react to the ever-changing conditions around us, leading to more joy and happiness.
The 5 hindrances you will experience in meditation and how to overcome them
In meditation, the mind can be clouded by desires, ill-will, laziness, restlessness, and doubt. These, the Buddha taught, are the 5 obstacles that hinder one to experience the ultimate peace.
Sensual desire (kāmacchanda)
Sensual desires arise when our senses come into contact with sights, sound, smell, taste, feeling, and thoughts. These sensual desires can distract us from our meditation object. Hence, we need to learn to let go of them. We can do this by investigating the impermanent nature of these sensual objects in the mind. Watch how thoughts, feelings, sounds, etc come and go. Once we see that they are not real and that they are inconstant, we gradually cease chasing after them and start paying attention to the present moment.
Ill-Will(byāpāda)
Ill-will commonly arise due to the expectations we have of ourselves, others, or of situations. In meditation, we may feel averse towards the meditation object or berate ourselves when we fail to quiet our minds. We may think of someone who made us angry and play hostile thoughts on repeat. Holding on to ill-will denies us the access to happiness. Loving-kindness meditation can help to put out the fires in our hearts.
Sloth & Torpor(thīna–middha)
Sloth and torpor refer to the dullness of the mind. This is caused by the lack of energy and effort, which leads to boredom and drowsiness. The next thing you know, you might have fallen asleep! Make your meditation interesting by adopting a spirit of curiosity towards every meditation object. You can be awed by the little things – the subtle differences of every breath, how your breath has the powerful ability to relax the body, how easy for your mind to wonder, etc! Put in wholesome effort to sustain your awareness in this present moment. If it doesn’t work, you may wish to get some fresh air, splash water on your face or do walking meditation to raise your energy level and make yourself more awake. If it still doesn’t work, you probably need some well-deserved sleep.
Restlessness and remorse (uddhacca-kukkucca)
Restlessness refers to the monkey mind swinging from one thought to the next. You might be worrying about the future or have concerns about the past. Or you might be fidgeting every few minutes, changing posture with the slightest itch or discomfort. Or there might be a song in your head that you can’t shake off. These are signs that the mind is struggling to find contentment in this present moment. Taking 5 long in and out breaths can help calm the mind. Body scan meditation and mantras can also help to ground your thoughts.
Doubt(Vicikicchā)
Doubt refers to the questioning of oneself and the meditation experience that hinders one from progressing further. ‘Am I doing this correctly?’, ‘What is this?’, ‘Am I there yet?’, these questions are important to ensure we are on the right track. However, when we asked them at the wrong time during meditation, it can stir the mind and prevent it from going deeper into a still state. To overcome this, save the questions for the end of the meditation as a form of reflection. Before the meditation, set a firm intention to stick to a meditation object of your choice. During the meditation session, place appropriate attention on the meditation object and patiently let the experience unfold. Still unsure if you’re on the right track? Clarify your doubts with a meditation teacher. You may also build trust in the practice by recollecting the fact that many meditators have found a brighter path ahead of them.
These hindrances have the power to take over your mind if you let them. Often, these waves of defilements cause us to feel defeated or even cause us to give up the meditation practice all together.
Here are some helpful tips:
Experiencing these hindrances is absolutely normal. Adopting a curious attitude towards investigating the causes of these hindrances can help you make the meditation more enjoyable. Treat it as an experiment, and you are bound to gain valuable insights along the way.
Each time you recognise that your mind has wandered, it is a moment for celebration. Because at that very moment, you are making what used to be unconscious conscious, thereby strengthening your awareness.
Good things in life may not come easy, but they are worth striving for. Mindfulness and clear comprehension allow you to respond to situations rather than react. Mindfulness is a superpower that will visibly change your happiness quotient and those around you.
Meditation is like medicine for the mind. Just as there are different medicines for different physical ailments, there are different types of meditation techniques for different states of mind and temperaments.
Meditation techniques are commonly categorised into two big buckets:
Samatha (Concentration) Meditation: Stilling of the mind, freeing the mind from the 5 hindrances.
Vipassanā (Insight) Meditation: Giving rise to penetrative insights and clearly seeing things as they truly are. I.e: all conditioned things are impermanent, dissatisfactory, and non-self.
Both Samatha and Vipassanā need to work in harmony in order for the positive benefits of meditation to last (in and beyond our formal meditation practice).
Analogy of a Rock on grass
A still mind temporarily keeps our defilements at bay. Just like covering a grass patch with a rock. In a couple of days, the grass withers. But not long after the rock is lifted, the grass grows again. To ensure that the grass stops regenerating, one has to remove the grass from its roots; Wisdom must be used to uproot the defilements.
Analogy of an Axe
To chop a trunk of a tree with an axe, the axe needs a sharp blade and a weighted handle. In meditation, vipassanā is like the blade while samatha is the handle, and one needs both to complement each other.
Vipassanā practice sharpens one’s mind to prevent the mind from falling in dullness. Samatha practice stabilises one’s mind to prevent the mind from being disoriented.
Of more than a dozen of meditation techniques that fall under Samatha and Vipassanā , these are the popular ones:
1. Mindfulness of breath
This is best for developing focus and stilling the restless monkey mind. Let the breath be the anchor for your mind throughout the meditation. You may start by counting your breath. With every inhale, count one. With every exhale, count two. As your mind gradually relaxes, you may increase the intervals of your counting – inhale and exhale count one, the next inhale and exhale count two. You can count to ten, then count backwards. Repeat this until the breath becomes subtler over time and you may eventually drop the counting. Just be aware that you’re breathing.
When you notice that your mind has wandered into the past or the future, recognise that and gently bring the mind back to the in and out breath.
Tips:
a. Each time you notice that your mind has drifted away from the anchor point, celebrate the fact that you were aware. If you notice that the frequency of wandering thoughts has reduced over time, celebrate again! This can motivate you to keep going.
b. If counting numbers doesn’t help you to stay focused, you may try counting alphabets in ascending then descending order.
2. Body Scan Meditation
This is best for relaxing the body, especially if you have a stressful day. Scan your body slowly from head to toe with a light smile on your face. While scanning each part of your body, pause to tune in to how it feels. Are your muscles tense or relaxed? Are your eyes dry or moist?
Tip:
Bring up gratitude towards each part of your body and bring up wholesome intentions. Example: Thank you, ears, for allowing me to listen. May I let in what is beneficial and filter out what is not. Thank you, mouth, for allowing me to speak. May I speak words that are skilful and beneficial.
3. Loving-kindness Meditation
This is best for diffusing anger and soothing an overly critical mind. In this meditation, visualise yourself, your loved ones, those who are neutral, strangers, and those whom you dislike. Radiate Loving-kindness towards these people in respective order.
Acknowledge that all beings in this world wish for happiness and safety. Wish them well. Just like a mother would protect her only child with a boundless heart, should one cherish all living-beings.
Tip: It is okay to struggle with sending thoughts of good will towards those whom you dislike and those who hurt you. Recognise your emotional capacity and wish yourself well. Then, when you’re ready, set the wholesome intention to free your heart from enmity little by little.
4. Meditate on the changing nature
This is great for developing wisdom and insight. You may start your meditation with mindfulness of breath, body, or sounds. Set your mind to be alert about the changes that take place. For example, if you catch your mind wandering, note “wandering”. If you notice a pain in your back, note “pain”. Observe and investigate how the qualities of your mind and body changes.
Tip: Regardless of the changes in thoughts or sensations, embrace rather than judge. Observe the changes as though you’re from the outside looking in and in a non-personal manner.
How do you know if meditation is working for you?
The success of your meditation isn’t how long you can sit on the cushion without moving. If that’s success then hens would have attained enlightenment! True success can be observed in how you conduct yourself in daily life.
Are your thoughts, speech, and action increasing in wholesomeness?
Is your greed, ill-will, and ignorance reducing?
If the answer is ‘yes’, you’re on the right path! Continue to meditate consistently.
Want to get started but too busy to squeeze time?
A few minutes of meditation a day is better than none! One need not sit for long hours to consider it meditation. We already spend a lot of time placing our focus on Netflix or social media, so why not allocate a few minutes to look into our inner world? Taking a 5-minute meditation break daily can make you feel like a new person.
Need guidance in your meditation?
Here are some meditation applications that you can start with:
Handful of Leaves and Kusala Mag are in collaboration to share Inspiring stories sprinkled with Buddhist wisdom.Kusala Mag’s interview with Siha the Wise is reproduced in full here:
In Buddhism, happiness is something that comes from within – something that is innate. For Siha the Wise, posts on Instagram are tailored to convey a message of fundamental Buddhist teaching or precept to its viewer.
Siha the Wise seeks to explore and find the true self and inner peaceful and mindful being through the artworks. Each of the pieces is handcrafted, carefully thought out and calibrated to invoke a sense of meaning and purpose to its viewer (whether they be Buddhist or not).
Cr: Siha_the_wise
When and how did you first started illustrating?
I graduated from animation school, so I do paint once a while as a hobby. Drawing comics is my first attempt.
Tell us more about Siha_the_wise and how did it get started?
It was about two years ago when my Japanese friend wanted to know more about Theravada Buddhism. I had just adopted my cat, Siha thus I thought maybe I can draw my cat explaining Buddhism. Thus I tried to draw in comic form to portray the Buddhist concepts and hope people can easily relate and understand.
What is the motivation behind Siha_the_wise?
The main motivation is to remind myself of the teachings. It will also be good that others can enjoy learning the dhamma together. In this current social media era, there is a lot of unnecessary and unwholesome information. I hope my comic can help contribute some goodness to people using social media.
Is illustrating a kind of mindfulness practice to you? Tell us more about your thought processes while illustrating!
Yes, in a way. Whenever I’m drawing a comic, I will try my best to make sure during the whole period, my mind is wholesome and peaceful.
Often it is about an incident, something I read or something that occurred to me. I will contemplate on the issue and also dig up the suttas and talks and everything I can find on that issue. With that, I try to use everyday examples and show how I can use Buddhist practice to overcome these issues. After doing my part, my friends will translate them into other languages such as Japanese and Indonesian.
Is illustrating beneficial to your mental health?
I believe so. I try to be in a wholesome mental state whenever I draw the comic.
Tell us about one of your favourite illustrations and what it meant to you?
It will have to be the one titled «a meaningful life». It totally changes one’s outlook in life. It is a constant reminder to myself about what truly matters in life.
Cr: Siha_the_Wise
Cr: Siha_the_Wise
Do you feel like illustrating Siha_the_wise helps you understand the Dhamma more in-depth?
Yes! For every post, as I mentioned before, I will need to make an in-depth study. As I am also taking a degree in Buddhism, and sometimes it is quite dry, I try to find ways to implement the Dhamma into everyday life.
More and more people are using art as a therapy, do you see it as a hobby or therapy?
I believe it can be both. But when one truly paint stroke by stroke with compassion and with no unwholesome thoughts arising, I think it will be good therapy for the mind.
What does art mean to you? Do you think learning how to draw or illustrate is good for everyone?
I am more of a visual person. I solve or understand problems by visuals. I cannot say whether it is good for everyone, but art and creativity helps me a lot.
As a Buddhist, is there any commonality you can find in Buddhism and illustrating?
The first thing I think is that there has to be patience. I think the goal is also not so important, more important is the process and journey.
Do you face any challenges in any of your crafting projects? If yes, can you tell us how you overcome it?
The most difficult challenge is still in the mind. Once a while, when drawing the comic, greed, doubt or anger arises in my mind. These unwholesome thoughts undermined my compassion and kindness. Whenever such thoughts arise, I will always calm myself down and think about the qualities of the Buddha, how Buddha will react if he faced the same situation.
Therefore, right in the beginning, I try my best to be anonymous by using a pseudonym. Always trying to see there is no self. To truly draw out of compassion to help myself and others.
TLDR: As religious or spiritual people, we can sometimes get unknowingly self-righteous, giving unsolicited advice. It’s much more skillful to respond to the needs of the person we are speaking to with equanimity, mindfulness and a sense of “right timing”.
A type of question I often hear during Q&A sessions with Dhamma teachers goes like this:
“How should I advise this person about this thing they are doing that seems problematic?”
“How should I advise my friend /family member to be more [insert good quality]?”
This is interesting because from how the question is framed, it sounds like the asker is less concerned about what their friend/ family member should do about their situation than how to advise (or persuade) them in a way that makes them want to take up their advice.
This can seem like it comes from a good place – but actually, what is the intention here?
Are you collaboratively helping that person to work out their issue, or are you trying to “correct” them based on your opinion of what they should be doing?
Sometimes the desire to fix other people’s problems can come from righteousness and judgement – aka the ego. But in fact, they might not need (or want) your advice.
Am I doing this for them or for me?
Something I’ve noticed in myself and other Buddhists is that we can sometimes become quite deluded, clinging to a “Buddhist identity” that we’ve fabricated over time.
We can be quite self-righteous, thinking we have all the answers and if only they knew better, if only they did this thing that the Buddha said, they would be so much happier. So, we go around advising our friends and family, trying to “fix” everyone’s suffering.
If we’re honest with ourselves, we may find that this is less about them and more about us, compelled by a neurotic desire to fix someone’s problem as a projection of our own ideals. A telltale sign is when we feel a strong desire for the other person to take up our suggestion and a sense of agitation when they are not willing – that disappointment comes from an expectation.
Probably another defining quality of unsolicited advice is when it is given at the wrong time. You could very well be right about what the other person needs to do about their situation, but they might not be ready to receive it just yet.
What you are saying might be true, but if you say it at the wrong time or in the wrong circumstances, it becomes “wrong”. This is because we are not being receptive to the needs of the other person; our words are not in line with the way things are right now.
Instead, we are strongly attached to our views about the situation and are more concerned about getting them across and validated.
We want our thoughts and speech to be thought of as right and true.
That validation gives us a nice ego boost, making us feel that our opinions are right and true – which is a very nice and lofty way to perceive ourselves.
I am a wholesome and good Buddhist.
I am someone who helps improve the lives of those around me.
This sounds wonderful, of course. Better than being a murderer.
But if we begin to cling to that image of ourselves, then our actions become less about generosity and goodness for their own sake and more about egoistic self-interest. More importantly, we may not be not truly serving the other person at all.
Drop the preacher mentality
I used to have a strong tendency to go around preaching about Buddhism until I met people like my Ajahn – a very unsuspecting monk of the Thai forest tradition.
He always keeps a low profile but sometimes drops these mind-blowing nuggets of wisdom when the situation calls for it. Even though he’s in robes, he doesn’t go around preaching to every person he speaks to – which is ironic because he’s probably one of the most qualified people to do so.
He mainly just listens and only gives advice when asked or makes comments at the appropriate time.
I think this is a sign of true humility (and Right Speech) – as opposed to when you feel like you have the right to “teach” or “correct” others, which automatically comes from a place of superiority.
You’re trying to fix others, change them, make the world a better place – all according to your ideals, which are really just ego projections. Again – true but not right, right but not true.
Observing Ajahn’s behaviour, it’s apparent that despite his many years of diligent practice, experience and knowledge, he never really views himself as a “teacher” and therefore never puts himself in that position. He’s not on a profound mission to create world peace or save humanity or spread Buddhism.
He just wants to live out his life as a simple monk practising the Dhamma.
The irony of that is that turning inwards and focusing on ourselves is often the most impactful or inspiring thing for other people. Watching the skillful conduct of Dhamma friends like Ajahn has been the most effective thing for me in changing my behaviour and views for the better – they didn’t have to push or persuade me.
This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t lend our support to our friends and family when they need it – it would definitely be good if we did. But there’s a difference between supporting someone appropriate to their needs, and being generous for our benefit.
It’s the same principle behind donating tons of food to an established food bank that has an oversupply of food, rather than donating to a lesser-known one that is really in need. The former may make us feel good for being generous, while the latter is generosity with attentiveness to the recipient and their needs, which is more beneficial and truly “self”-less.
Returning inwards
I think another important lesson to learn is that we can’t change people (and it’s not our business to anyway) – we can only support or encourage them. I believe people change on their own accord when they have their insights, and those definitely cannot be rushed or forced.
When we understand this, we realise that trying to fix others is a waste of time and energy. We become more equanimous and in turn focus more on ourselves – which is where we can truly bring about change.
Wise Steps:
Focus on yourself. Most of what the Buddha taught was aimed at going inwards and cultivating wholesome qualities and abandoning unwholesome qualities within. If we realise this, there would be fewer problems to “fix” in the world.
If you’re not sure what your friend or family member needs, ask how you can best support them. Do they need advice, encouragement, or just empathy, etc.?
Be supportive, not compulsive. If you feel the impulse to give advice, ask yourself if it is appropriate for the other person right now and check if you’re just doing this to satisfy your ego. Agitation is a sign that the ego is at play.
