This teaching is compilation of teachings extracted from talks/interviews with Dr Gabor Mate, Luang Por Sumedho, and Tara Brach.
Hungry ghosts can’t get enough satisfaction
In the Buddhist psychology, there are a number of realms that all beings cycle through.
One is the human realm, which can be described as our ordinary selves.
The second is the hell realm, which contains unbearable rage, fear, and terror; it contains emotions that are difficult to handle.
The third is the animal realm, which is related to our instincts.
In the hungry ghost realm, the creatures are depicted with large empty bellies, small scrawny thin necks. They can never get enough satisfaction. They are always hungry, always empty, always seeking satisfaction from the outside. This speaks to the part of us, isn’t it?
Just watch the desire in your own mind. It’s always looking for something. There’s a kind of restlessness such that when you’re frightened, you look for something certain; and you don’t know what to do, you feel this momentum of desire that looks for anything to do – eat, smoke cigarettes, read books, watch televisions, look around for this and that.
This is just a force of habit.
When you are not mindful, and when you are not wise, you become easily pulled into these things. When you lead life heedlessly, when you lead our lives without any kind of wisdom or understanding of it, you just get caught up in seeking excitement. When you get bored, you seek excitement. But when you get bored with excitement, you seek annihilation.
You get caught up in these habits.
The false refuges in our lives and never arriving
One of the most pervasive false refuges or substitute gratifications is the never ending effort to improve ourselves. It’s not the kind of improvement that leads us to sensing our creativity and the knowledge we long for, but it’s the kind that stems from a place of deficit. It’s the “I need to be a better person” kind of striving, and that wanting to feel like we’re good enough.
This is what goes on in us and is part of the hungry ghost.
If we’re honest with ourselves, are we really content and feel good enough? This sense of wanting to be good enough is not the same as the impulse to manifest our true potential. It’s the kind of internalised standards we have that make us think we should always look better, do more, and be more.
When we are honest, we realise that for many of us live with the kind of dissatisfaction, a disappointment that our lives aren’t turning out the way we want it to be. There’s a sense of never arriving, as though we’re trying to get somewhere, and we’re not there.
Three levels of suffering
Level 1: We are not satisfied
There’s a whole range of how we experience these hungry ghost energy. Along with that, we have chronic patterns on how we are trying to meet our needs and we do so through different substitute gratifications such as consuming sugar or seeking approval or attaching to our possessions.
As we may know, these are temporary fixes. We’re on a roller coaster. We feel better for a little, but then, the need is back there again.
Wanting begets wanting. It’s like drinking salt water to satisfy thirst.
So, that’s one level of suffering – i.e. we don’t get satisfied.
Level 2: The aversion we have towards ourselves for not being satisfied.
In the Buddhist tradition, we call that the second arrow. The first arrow is “I want, I need, I’m not satisfied”. The second arrow is “I am a bad person for wanting, needing, and feeling that I’m not satisfied”. It’s the self version that we pile on that is a very notable part of the addiction cycle. Eat too much, then feel really bad about ourselves. Feel like such as bad person, and then feel so miserable that we eat more, and return to feeling bad about ourselves again. The cycle keeps getting fuelled like this.
Level 3: Never being present and never arriving
The last level is just like in the casino: when we really want to win but are not quite there yet or when we are seeking approval and when we are trying to in some ways get something we don’t have, we’re not present. It’s kind of like we’re leaning forward, wanting the next moment to contain what this moment does not. We’re not present, and we’re always on our way to somewhere else.
Such wanting, addiction, and attachment is the heart of the suffering that comes with the hungry ghosts.
How many moments of our life is there a sense of we’re on our way to something rather than this moment counts?
A comforting perspective
Our attachment and addiction can be a flag to pause, and deepen our attention to what is here. And if we are willing to pause, and deepen our attention, we can begin to discover that rather than hitching to our addicting habits, the star we felt away from is right here. It is in this present moment. Right here.
Whoever is overcome by this wretched and sticky craving, his sorrows grow like grass after the rains.
But whoever overcomes this wretched craving, so difficult to overcome, from him sorrows fall away like water from a lotus leaf.
Ghost Month Series: This series explores different angles of the 7th Lunar Month, also known as the Ghost Month. Festivals, Cultures, and Religions often mix together in one place, offering space for different interpretations. We, like you, are keen to explore more. Discern what is helpful to your practice and discard whatever is not.
TLDR: The memories from our past are scarier than the ghosts, they live within and the haunting never seems to cease.
It happens again. It likes to sneak up on you when you are most vulnerable, terrorizes you when you are unaware. Dark at night, when I’m about to fall asleep, when I’m alone staring at the ceiling or listening to an old song when I’m on the bus. I can’t pretend I don’t see them. It’s always right there in my mind even when I close my eyes. What am I talking about? I’m talking about the painful memories of my past.
If you are quiet, you can hear them, loud and clear — the shadows of who we once were, the lives we’ve lived and people we’ve loved. We’re left with mournful and never-ending remembrance. The haunting never seems to cease. Our memories are scarier than ghost sightings.
Wouldn’t you think our lives are already filled with ghosts? The loved ones that left us stay as memories, like a ghost that lives inside you, and like this you keep them alive.
The sweetest memories can sometimes turn into a moment of tears clouding my eyes. Sometimes, I can’t seem to get out of it. It can be a dreadful burden. The older we are, the more haunted we are. The regrets, guilts, and the attachment we hold on to the happy times we can’t go back again. The memories are like the seaweed that is hard to get untangled.
Should we banish them entirely, all those ghosts of who we are and who we loved? Should we exorcise them completely? Or should we find a way to lay them at last to rest?
Untangle The Past
Although memories reflect what actually happened in the past, they are not the reality. We don’t have to let our memories control our emotions and bind us like a dog chain. If we handle our memories mindfully, we can unburden ourselves of them; we are able to view them with an open heart, looking in from the window outside the house, that brings calm to the mind and in turn heals any gloomy emotion that arises.
When our memories resurface, learn to switch our thoughts to an observation frequency. Not to overload ourselves with heavy emotions by allowing memories to interpose into our thoughts making it a hyperreality.
Letting Go Of The Past
Sometimes I wonder why these memories keep resurfacing, and I realized it’s because I can’t let go. The past can’t be changed and yet we keep playing it in our head a million times.
It keeps reliving and by doing that. I’ve sacrificed the present and the future that could create happier memories.
Buddha once talked about letting go, “Your letting go of it will be for your long-term happiness & benefit. Whatever arises in dependence on intellect-contact, experienced either as pleasure, as pain, or as neither-pleasure-nor-pain, that too is not yours: let go of it. Your letting go of it will be for your long-term happiness & benefit.”.
For any long-term sustainable happiness, we have to learn how to let go, not holding on or creating a blockage. Happiness and sadness can’t happen at the same time and they are never yours, to begin with.
Sending Loving Kindness To Ourselves
There is no doubt our past decisions make us who we are today, but it doesn’t make sense to let the past define who we are. If we treat our memories sensitively, with loving kindness, we can cultivate intuition and discernment for our future selves, rather than judging and blaming the ghosts from our past.
Memories Of My Father
Once when I was having breakfast, my father asked, “Why did I skip the bread skin and go straight to the softer piece of the bread?”
“The top layer is always dry and hard.” I answered.
“Who is going to eat that, if you don’t eat it?” My father replied
I lost my father a few years ago and that memory of him always brings me to tears. Instead of weeping, I now see it as a way to inspire me to be more selfless.
Some of us may feel like weeping when confronted with our ghastly memories, but there is no need to run away from it or continue feeling sad about it. Instead, we can rise above the conditions and conditioning of our past. When we hold our memories carefully, we are no longer haunted by what has happened to us; we view our past and present experiences from a different perspective.
Lay The Ghosts To Rest
I’m still human. I walk with my ghosts from time to time, and sometimes I can confront them and sometimes, I’m overwhelmed by them. But, at least I feel like I’m slowly reaching a state of mind where I can see them truly as the past and putting it to rest.
It’s a matter of acknowledging the good memory, feeling it and then reminding myself of the good that is happening in my life now. Reach inside for gratitude for what was and what is and try to find a place of acceptance.
We can take the mournful and never-ending remembrance and turn it instead into memories that we can appreciate as a valuable part of our beautiful lives. We can learn, over time and with practice, how to be grateful for the changes, and we can stop mourning them. We can even celebrate all the aspects of who we were and are now and all of the people we’ve loved along the way.
Instead of fearing the ghost of my memories, I now see them as my companion I can live comfortably with.
Wise Steps:
Turn our memories into valuable parts of our beautiful lives that are worth appreciating regardless of the good or the bad.
Rise above the conditioning of our past by viewing our past and present experiences from a different perspective.
Acknowledging the good or bad memory, feeling it and then reminding yourself of the good that is in your life right now.
TLDR: Meditation is not all fun without struggles. It takes time and effort. It doesn’t just deliver peace and calm. It doesn’t make you invincible like a superhero. Here are 3 things I wished I knew.
Meditation has a wealth of awesome benefits- such as increasing calmness, improving memory and IQ, reducing anxiety and depression. As such, it is not surprising that well-known names have adopted these practices to ‘up their game’ literally. From NBA’s best basketball player of all time, Michael Jordan, to top cliff diver David Coltur, they have all sworn by the benefits of meditation.
They claim it sharpens their focus and prepares them for facing and managing highly stressful situations and powers their stellar performances. Meditation screams power, perfection and prestige. But is it really as such?
NBA star Lebron James as Calm Meditation App’s Ambassador
It’s easy to look at these glowing testimonials and have a wide-eyed naivety about what meditation can do for us. We may think, “Finally, something that can cure me of all my misery. I can be productive, successful and happy at the end of a 10 day Vipassana retreat!” This perspective most people have about the benefits of meditation is simply the product of marketing and branding in a world of “do more, be more, and have more”. However, the reality is not that fun. Here are 3 things I wish I knew before starting meditation.
1. Meditation Takes Time And Effort
Meditation is no different from any other methods of self-transformation. You need consistent practice over time to reap the fruits. While there is no exact time frame given for when one can expect to reap the fruits of meditation, the research by meditation app , Headspace and various mindfulness programmes suggest it takes 8-weeks to make changes such as increased neuron activities in different parts of the brain. Other research suggests a liberal estimation of 5 years for deep changes to be experienced by the meditator.
One thing that the body of literature can agree on though, is that the magic number for a consistent practice to experience the benefits is at least 3 times a week of 10–20 minutes practice.
Think of it as planting a mango seed- there needs to be consistency in watering the seed, protecting the sapling as it takes root against wild animals, bad weather and finally, taking care to remove weeds and pests that may grow as the plant matures. Eventually, with all the right conditions in place, you can take shelter under a beautiful mango tree while savouring the fruits of your delicious, sweet juicy ripe mangoes to your heart’s content.
2. When You Are Meditating, You Don’t Just Experience Calm And Peace.
Whoever told you that meditation was all about blissing out into cloud nine and thoughtless voids probably confused meditation with taking ‘weed’. Meditation is about developing an objective and non-judgmental attitude towards whatever that manifests in the present moment (as defined by the father of secular mindfulness Jon Kabat-Zinn).
This means whatever you face in life before you sit on the cushion- crippling anxiety, unresolved childhood traumas, anger issues, obsessive thoughts… will arise in your practice and unleash its full wrath. You will cry and you will break.
Evolutionary neurons in your brain will beckon at you to run, to hide, and to avoid thoughts you have hidden under the carpet for a long time.; But it is in staying with these moments of wreckage, and tuning into the ephemerality of this chaos that true acceptance occurs.
Meditation is not always an experience of peace, but always a training of peacefulness.
That, my dear friends, is the beginning of a beautiful healing.
3. Meditation Doesn’t Make You A Superhero
In this journey of life, we all come with different baggage, some heavier than others. We have to acknowledge our own limitations and be open to seeking and receiving help to lighten the load. Sometimes, meditation is just not the right support at the moment.
Imagine you are on your way to work and you get caught in a sudden downpour. You will need appropriate tools, such as a raincoat, umbrella or seek shelter indoors to keep yourself dry . You won’t just be standing there declaring “I’ve got an expensive $4000 water-resistant suit on, I’m safe!” Just because something is inherently high value, doesn’t necessarily mean it gives you power.
True power comes with being able to use the correct tool at the right time and right place. This applies to meditation too. Unfortunately, when it comes to our mental storms, some of us might be adamant about fixing ourselves only with our meditation practice, even though the depths of our struggles are well beyond what our muscle of mindfulness and acceptance can carry.
There could be a false belief that being spiritual or having a spiritual practice can bypass the immense challenges faced in one’s life, such as mental illnesses.
Sometimes, we just need professional help or to open up to the kindness of the community. It takes courage to be truthful to ourselves by acknowledging our sufferings. As someone who faces regular mood swings, I wished I knew earlier that my meditation practice doesn’t take away my right to be imperfect and to be a mess. In other words, it doesn’t make me a superhero and I don’t have to be one either.
In summary, meditation simply is a tool with wide-ranging benefits when mastered and applied skilfully; it doesn’t add to your identity or your personality.
It digs into what already is there – both the skanky and the dandy.
Facing your experience of being human after an eternity of distraction and avoidance is definitely not easy, so let compassion and acceptance light your path. Progress and maturity come with understanding. The human experience is complex and chaotic, and understanding that there is value to be found in every experience- even negative ones, and choosing to embrace them with kindness and discernment, is the definition of being alive.
May this reflection be helpful to all who begin their meditation journey, and may all find peace, healing and happiness. Inner change is the key to a better world. Hurt people hurt those around them.
Wise Steps:
If you are in a community, encourage open discussions and conversations on personal struggles and challenges. There is absolutely no shame in being a meditator AND feeling overwhelmed, and the more people talk about it, the less embarrassing it becomes.
Identify other tools that you can supplement your meditation practice with, such as journaling, yoga, breathing exercises and use the tools appropriately to each situation that you face in life.
TLDR: 2 mindfulness based tools to help you survive depressive episodes. To anchor & to breathe.
There is so much more awareness around mental illness, and people are much more willing to say ‘I’m depressed’. However, the conversation pretty much stops there.
People don’t usually divulge the dark, contorted details of what goes on in their head during depressive episodes. I mean, how do you say, ‘Hey, I’ve been visualising me stabbing myself for the past hour’ over dinner? It still is a very lonely uphill battle, and there’s still a lot of work to be done to bring depth into the conversations around mental illness. Meanwhile, here’s some things that I’ve found to be useful when it hits me.
I will be using the term ‘depressive episodes’ instead of depression because it is important to understand the distinction. Depression is a mental illness. One with the mental illness of depression experiences depressive episodes that are significant enough to impair quality of life, relationship with self and others. Yet, there are still pockets of space in a depressed person’s life that is void of these depressive episodes. Hence, it is important that while we acknowledge the experiences of depressive episodes, we are careful to not reduce the person to their illness.
1. Anchor in the present moment
In a depressive episode, the body feels so heavy and tired. It’s as though there is not enough energy available to even exist. But there is a whole flurry of activity going on. Thoughts are accelerating in every direction, and emotions change track from misery to hopelessness to pain in split seconds. There is actually a huge amount of energy being expended.
The emotional energy depletes rather than nourish and rejuvenate the mind, resulting in the feeling of “I can’t even move.”
Understanding this has been a life-changing moment. This understanding reminds one there is potential for the energy to be used in other ways. This prevents the energy from sucking up whatever remaining willpower you have.
Identify the low hanging fruits
Choose something that you naturally feel like doing and more importantly, doesn’t feel too forceful. Be attuned to how you feel- even if that means you can only muster the energy to look out the window, choose that.
Ground into the 5 senses Whatever you choose, slow down and really immerse in the experience. Intentionally sink yourself fully into the feeling of aliveness-the antithesis of depression.
What 3 sounds can you hear ?
What 3 things can you see?
What smells can you inhale?
What 3 sensations you can touch?
What taste can you experience?
As much as you can, rotate through these questions repeatedly till you feel better. Anchoring into the present moment helps you to keep a safe distance from your thoughts temporarily.
2. Breathe
Reactive is impulsive.
It is going with the first thing your brain generates: “How dare he insult me, I’m so gonna YELL at him and let everyone know what a scumbag he is!!!” The amygdala (emotional center) is at play here.
Being responsive , on the other hand, is being calm and rational.
Responsive is acknowledging the emotional reactions, but not letting that take center stage. The forebrain (logic and rational processing) is at play.
In a depressive mind, the mind is reactive. It jumps on every single thought – every thought of destruction, every thought of hatred, every thought of anger.
Every single thought is taken as an unequivocal conclusion. Hence, we get pulled in every direction and eventually become asphyxiated by the weight of our very own thoughts that are ironically, fleeting and unreliable in nature.
Deep breathing activates the forebrain processing which helps to regain responsivity. Responsivity helps to slow down the mental proliferation. It give us space to acknowledge the negative thoughts as merely passing clouds of a thunderstorm.
The 4–2–6 Deep Breathing Technique
1. Put your right hand at your abdomen and left hand over you chest.
2.Inhale for 4 seconds
3. Hold for 2 seconds
4. Exhale for 6 seconds.
Repeat till you feel a wave of relaxation.
Wishing all who are going through difficult times, love, strength and hope.
Wise Steps:
1.Arise your awareness of the five senses while engaged in an activity 2. Deep breathing to activate the Responsivity mindset
Need help? It is one call away
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TLDR: As religious or spiritual people, we can sometimes get unknowingly self-righteous, giving unsolicited advice. It’s much more skillful to respond to the needs of the person we are speaking to with equanimity, mindfulness and a sense of “right timing”.
A type of question I often hear during Q&A sessions with Dhamma teachers goes like this:
“How should I advise this person about this thing they are doing that seems problematic?”
“How should I advise my friend /family member to be more [insert good quality]?”
This is interesting because from how the question is framed, it sounds like the asker is less concerned about what their friend/ family member should do about their situation than how to advise (or persuade) them in a way that makes them want to take up their advice.
This can seem like it comes from a good place – but actually, what is the intention here?
Are you collaboratively helping that person to work out their issue, or are you trying to “correct” them based on your opinion of what they should be doing?
Sometimes the desire to fix other people’s problems can come from righteousness and judgement – aka the ego. But in fact, they might not need (or want) your advice.
Am I doing this for them or for me?
Something I’ve noticed in myself and other Buddhists is that we can sometimes become quite deluded, clinging to a “Buddhist identity” that we’ve fabricated over time.
We can be quite self-righteous, thinking we have all the answers and if only they knew better, if only they did this thing that the Buddha said, they would be so much happier. So, we go around advising our friends and family, trying to “fix” everyone’s suffering.
If we’re honest with ourselves, we may find that this is less about them and more about us, compelled by a neurotic desire to fix someone’s problem as a projection of our own ideals. A telltale sign is when we feel a strong desire for the other person to take up our suggestion and a sense of agitation when they are not willing – that disappointment comes from an expectation.
Probably another defining quality of unsolicited advice is when it is given at the wrong time. You could very well be right about what the other person needs to do about their situation, but they might not be ready to receive it just yet.
What you are saying might be true, but if you say it at the wrong time or in the wrong circumstances, it becomes “wrong”. This is because we are not being receptive to the needs of the other person; our words are not in line with the way things are right now.
Instead, we are strongly attached to our views about the situation and are more concerned about getting them across and validated.
We want our thoughts and speech to be thought of as right and true.
That validation gives us a nice ego boost, making us feel that our opinions are right and true – which is a very nice and lofty way to perceive ourselves.
I am a wholesome and good Buddhist.
I am someone who helps improve the lives of those around me.
This sounds wonderful, of course. Better than being a murderer.
But if we begin to cling to that image of ourselves, then our actions become less about generosity and goodness for their own sake and more about egoistic self-interest. More importantly, we may not be not truly serving the other person at all.
Drop the preacher mentality
I used to have a strong tendency to go around preaching about Buddhism until I met people like my Ajahn – a very unsuspecting monk of the Thai forest tradition.
He always keeps a low profile but sometimes drops these mind-blowing nuggets of wisdom when the situation calls for it. Even though he’s in robes, he doesn’t go around preaching to every person he speaks to – which is ironic because he’s probably one of the most qualified people to do so.
He mainly just listens and only gives advice when asked or makes comments at the appropriate time.
I think this is a sign of true humility (and Right Speech) – as opposed to when you feel like you have the right to “teach” or “correct” others, which automatically comes from a place of superiority.
You’re trying to fix others, change them, make the world a better place – all according to your ideals, which are really just ego projections. Again – true but not right, right but not true.
Observing Ajahn’s behaviour, it’s apparent that despite his many years of diligent practice, experience and knowledge, he never really views himself as a “teacher” and therefore never puts himself in that position. He’s not on a profound mission to create world peace or save humanity or spread Buddhism.
He just wants to live out his life as a simple monk practising the Dhamma.
The irony of that is that turning inwards and focusing on ourselves is often the most impactful or inspiring thing for other people. Watching the skillful conduct of Dhamma friends like Ajahn has been the most effective thing for me in changing my behaviour and views for the better – they didn’t have to push or persuade me.
This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t lend our support to our friends and family when they need it – it would definitely be good if we did. But there’s a difference between supporting someone appropriate to their needs, and being generous for our benefit.
It’s the same principle behind donating tons of food to an established food bank that has an oversupply of food, rather than donating to a lesser-known one that is really in need. The former may make us feel good for being generous, while the latter is generosity with attentiveness to the recipient and their needs, which is more beneficial and truly “self”-less.
Returning inwards
I think another important lesson to learn is that we can’t change people (and it’s not our business to anyway) – we can only support or encourage them. I believe people change on their own accord when they have their insights, and those definitely cannot be rushed or forced.
When we understand this, we realise that trying to fix others is a waste of time and energy. We become more equanimous and in turn focus more on ourselves – which is where we can truly bring about change.
Wise Steps:
Focus on yourself. Most of what the Buddha taught was aimed at going inwards and cultivating wholesome qualities and abandoning unwholesome qualities within. If we realise this, there would be fewer problems to “fix” in the world.
If you’re not sure what your friend or family member needs, ask how you can best support them. Do they need advice, encouragement, or just empathy, etc.?
Be supportive, not compulsive. If you feel the impulse to give advice, ask yourself if it is appropriate for the other person right now and check if you’re just doing this to satisfy your ego. Agitation is a sign that the ego is at play.
