TL;DR Therapy isn’t separate from the Buddhist path—it can be part of it. Asking for help gives others the chance to practise compassion while helping you navigate suffering.
“But my friends are so busy, telling them my problems is just going to drag them down.”
“I don’t want to be a burden to my loved ones, I keep repeating my same problems to them”
If these thoughts sound familiar, if they’ve played on repeat in your head during particularly rough patches, this piece is for you.
I’ve been there too. Curled up on my bedroom floor at 2 AM, scrolling through my contacts and wondering if anyone would actually want to hear about the mess I’d made of things. Again. The weight of feeling like a broken record, cycling through the same anxieties with the same patient friends who probably had their own problems to deal with.
But here’s what I’ve learned about reaching out for help, viewed through the lens of Buddhist wisdom that I’ve slowly—sometimes reluctantly—come to appreciate.
The Mind as an Ocean
Some Buddhist teachers describe the mind as being like the ocean, vast, deep, and layered. On the surface, the ocean is constantly shifting, tossed by waves, winds, and changing weather.
We experience sudden storms: difficult workdays that leave us drained, strained relationships that keep us up at night, moments of crushing self-doubt.
But here’s what took me years to understand. The deeper you go, the quieter it becomes. Beneath all that surface agitation, there’s a space of calm and clarity that remains untouched by the chaos above.
This doesn’t mean we ignore the surface storms or pretend they’re not real. Trust me, I’ve tried that approach, it doesn’t work. It means we learn how to anchor ourselves amidst the turbulence. Meditation and reflection become like diving beneath the waves, touching that calm centre that’s always available, even when it feels impossibly out of reach.
Remember, the goal isn’t to eliminate all waves. It’s not to get lost in them. We are not our thoughts or emotions. Like waves, they rise, change form, and pass.
The ocean remains.
Why It’s Wise to Seek Guidance
In the suttas, the Buddha repeatedly encouraged spiritual friendship and community. He understood something essential. We don’t grow in isolation.
While Ananda was the Buddha’s attendant for many years and was known for his devotion and memory, the Buddha did correct him on occasion. One notable instance is when Ananda stated that spiritual friendship was “half of the spiritual life.”
“Don’t say that, Ananda. Don’t say that. Admirable friendship, admirable companionship, and admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life. When a monk has admirable people as friends, companions, & comrades, he can be expected to develop & pursue the noble eightfold path.” – The Buddha, in Upaddha Sutta
No one sails rough seas alone. Not safely, at least. Just as a skilled captain consults maps, stars, and seasoned navigators, we too benefit from turning to those who can support us when the journey gets difficult.
Does asking for help make me ‘Unbuddhist?’
For many Buddhist practitioners, the question of whether to seek professional mental health support can feel fraught with spiritual implications. Does reaching out for help contradict the teaching of seeing suffering, not identifying with it, and navigating it with equanimity?
Are therapy and medication at odds with meditation and mindfulness? These concerns, while understandable, may stem from a misunderstanding of what the Buddha actually taught about human suffering and our response to it.
The Assu Sutta (SN 15.3) offers an honest depiction of human suffering in Buddhist literature. Rather than minimising pain, the Buddha acknowledged its vast scope across lifetimes, telling his disciples that the tears shed from losing mothers, fathers, children, and loved ones throughout our existences would exceed “the water in the four great oceans”.
“It is when someone who is overcome and overwhelmed by suffering sorrows and wails and laments, beating their breast and falling into confusion.”
“Or else, overcome by that suffering, they begin an external search, wondering: ‘Who knows one or two phrases to stop this suffering?”
The Buddha explained that suffering results either in (1) confusion or (2) an external search. This distinction reveals that seeking external help when suffering becomes unbearable isn’t spiritual failure, but rather, can be a wise choice. A choice to actively pursue answers rather than remain trapped in confusion.
In line with this, pursuing professional mental health care can indeed be a constructive response to pain, representing the same fundamental human impulse that led people to seek the Buddha’s teachings in the first place.
Some challenges in life are simply too heavy to carry alone. Whether it’s persistent stress that makes your chest tight, burnout that leaves you feeling hollow, or old emotional wounds that keep resurfacing when you least expect them. It’s not a failure to ask for help.
By asking for help we also give a ‘generosity/dana’ opportunity for our friends/loved ones/therapists to practice their patience or empathy with us.
Why seek therapy? Can’t I meditate my problems away?
One might be shy to accept that they have a challenge they can’t battle alone. Trying to ‘meditate’ away your problems is like applying a band-aid to a wide, gaping wound. Living life intentionally on hard mode doesn’t equate to a promised payoff at the end of the horizon.
If we are struggling and in a bad place, seeking therapy or even other psychological professionals is like applying a stitch to a gaping wound. Mental health professionals are equipped to respond to the specific problem you have, rather than a Reddit forum.
Once the mind is settled out of the emergency it found itself in (e.g. suicide ideation), the Dhamma can then come in to support your recovery.
Everyone is different, so either having the Dhamma side by side with your treatment or dipping your toes into Dhamma after having therapy is up to the individual.
The idea of the community that supports our path is at the heart of the Buddhist path.
Friends who truly listen. Mentors who guide us. Or even a good therapist who offers presence and clarity when we need it most. Mental health professionals, in this light, are not separate from the path. They are part of it.
A therapist is like a skilled navigator. Someone trained to help you understand the terrain of your mind, spot patterns you can’t always see, and explore difficult memories or emotions safely.
The Buddha himself sought out teachers before his awakening. He didn’t isolate himself from learning. He embraced guidance.
There is no contradiction between walking the spiritual path and seeking psychological support. In fact, they often work beautifully together. Reaching out to a therapist doesn’t mean you’re broken or weak. It means you’re ready to understand your suffering better and live with more awareness and freedom.
Taking the First Step: How to Reach Out
If you’re thinking about speaking to a professional, here’s a simple yet thoughtful template that can be tweaked for your specific context.
Dear [Therapist’s Name],
I recently came across your profile on the [clinic name] website and would like to enquire about therapy.
For context, I’m a [man/woman] in my twenties/thirties based in Singapore, seeking support primarily for managing work and general life stress.
Could you kindly help with a few practical queries?
Do you offer therapy sessions during weekends or weekday evenings?
What are your current fees?
Is there a convenient appointment booking system (like automated online scheduling), or should I book manually via text or email?
Typically, what’s the wait time for appointments?
Where do sessions usually take place?
Does your clinic participate in the NEHR?
Thank you very much—I look forward to your reply.
Warm regards, [Your Name]
A Journey Guided by Compassion
Lastly, always remember: a good therapist, like a lighthouse, guides without judgment, shining a clear path through rough waters. By choosing to seek help, you’re recognising your journey towards wisdom and compassion, benefiting not only yourself but all around you.
May your path be filled with insight, peace, and true well-being.
Speaking of the ocean where we first started off, Ayya Khema shares the following: “The Buddha said his teaching was like the ocean. When we approach it from the shore, it is shallow at first. We can just wet our feet. As we go into it deeper and deeper we are eventually engulfed and finally totally swallowed by it.
Just so is the teaching. We start out just wetting our big toe to see what the temperature is. Maybe trying meditation for half a day, then two days, until we finally have the courage to come to a ten-day meditation course and sit through all of it. We learn the teaching little by little until eventually our whole life is dominated by it.”
May you grow in blessings.
Wise Steps
Realise that there is calm to be reached, deep down, past the turmoil and worry
Remember that spiritual friendship is half of the spiritual life, that companionship and company is wholesome and healthy
Have the humility and awareness to recognise therapy as rapid and helpful triage, that can be aided in long-term by our spiritual practice.
TLDR: This article explores how consuming negative content affects mental well-being and introduces practices like group meditation, reducing social media use, and daily journaling to regain clarity, peace, and intention. Jeraldine Phneah emphasizes the importance of choosing what we feed our minds to nurture a healthier, more intentional life.
Working in a pre-IPO tech company is quite demanding, especially when you’re also juggling volunteer work. Some days, I go straight from back-to-back meetings at work in the day into conversations with residents I support through my volunteer work in the evenings.
In the quiet moments, such as at the gym or while winding down at night, I have realised that although I may be physically alone, my mind remains flooded with noise.
At times,I have found myself scrolling endlessly through negative news, angry comment threads, and short-form videos that add little value to my life.
This habit, often called doom scrolling, may seem harmless. Yet, over time, it chips away at our mental well-being. Instead of feeling rested, I end up feeling more restless and distracted.
Emotionally charged content overstimulates the brain, triggering anxiety, clouding focus, and draining the mental energy we need to rest and think clearly. Our minds were not designed to absorb a constant stream of bad news and negativity.
We are not truly resting when we scroll. We are absorbing, reacting, and often internalising the stress of others.
I came to see that I have not been particularly mindful, especially about what I allow into my mental space. What we consume shapes how we feel. How we feel, in turn, shapes how we see the world.
Recognising this, I’ve begun to gently shift how I relate to my inner and outer worlds. These are to bring more peace, clarity, and intention into how I live each day.
1. Join weekly group meditations
I made a resolution that for this month, I will be attending meditation sessions with other young working professionals in Singapore.
Meditation helps me return to the present. It trains the mind to observe rather than react.
Research has shown that regular meditation reduces stress, improves emotional regulation, and supports focus and decision-making. These are qualities I find myself needing as I navigate high-pressure environments.
This practice is also aligned with Taoist teachings: “Muddy water, let stand, becomes clear.” In moments of stillness, we allow the mental clutter to settle. That is often when insight and calm begin to emerge.
While solo practice offers flexibility, group meditation helps build consistency and a sense of community — especially in a fast-paced environment where we often feel like we’re navigating stress alone.
Being surrounded by peers with similar life pressures can be grounding. It’s a quiet reminder that we’re not alone in our efforts to slow down, reconnect, and stay present amidst the noise.
2. Reducing social media and phone use
I have taken a few practical steps over the past few years. Since my role allows it, I do not have Slack on my phone, and I have turned off all notifications from messaging apps. This helps me protect my attention and reduce unnecessary stress.
In recent weeks, I began deleting social media apps from my phone. This change helps me use them more intentionally, rather than out of habit.
These changes have helped reduce distractions. They have also freed up time for things that matter more to me, such as learning languages, reading, or simply being still.
I have also stopped checking WhatsApp and my phone first thing in the morning. That small boundary allows me to begin the day with clarity rather than overwhelm.
Some days, I wonder if too much of my youth is slipping away into a small screen — and that question alone helps me make more conscious choices.
3. Journaling daily at least five to ten minutes a day
Daily journaling, even for just five to ten minutes, allows me to untangle my thoughts, recognise emotional patterns, and process what is weighing on my mind. It provides a quiet space to reflect, realign, and reconnect with what truly matters.
Journaling helps me reflect not only on my emotions, but also on mistakes I made, what I want to learn from them, how I am showing up in the world and who I want to become.
Studies have shown that journaling can reduce stress, improve clarity, and build resilience. For me, it is a way of coming home to myself — a daily act of self-kindness.
None of this is about squeezing more out of the day. It is about protecting my clarity and choosing to live with greater intention.
This means being mindful about what I allow in, more deliberate about how I spend my time, and more compassionate with myself when things feel overwhelming.
Confucian thought reminds us that change begins within. To put the world in order, we must first cultivate our personal life.” (修身齐家治国平天下)
If you have been feeling stretched thin as well, I see you. Small, intentional steps can make a world of difference.
Here’s a question I’ve been reflecting on: What am I feeding my mind — and is it nourishing me? If you’re looking for a place to start, this might be a gentle prompt to sit with this week.
Wise Steps:
Find communities and social circles with whom you can practice mindfulness. Doing so will ease the journey and ground you on your path to betterment.
Reduce amount of social media used, even innocuous ones like WhatsApp. Allow yourself breaks and moments away from it, especially during times like after waking up and before bed.
Journal for five to ten minutes a day. Doing so allows organisation and recognition of thoughts and emotional state that can bring clarity to our lives.
Editor’s note: This is an adapted article from Roberta’s blog of reflection and learnings
TLDR: Leading with compassion isn’t soft—it’s essential for emotional intelligence and effective leadership.
It’s easy to be compassionate toward people we love. Friends who need support, family members going through a hard time—we extend kindness almost instinctively. But what about the people outside our inner circles (a.k.a. strangers)? The ones who frustrate us, the ones we don’t understand, the ones we don’t even know? Or maybe the inverse? When we take our loved ones for granted.
In Search Inside Yourself, a book that started as an emotional intelligence program at Google, Chade-Meng Tan argues that compassion isn’t just a moral virtue—it’s a skill that can be trained like a muscle. And when we build that muscle, we don’t just become more patient or kind; we become more present, more emotionally intelligent, and ultimately, better at navigating life.
Why Compassion is a Game-Changer for Personal Growth
Many of us spend years trying to “fix” ourselves—reading self-help books, setting goals, chasing productivity hacks. But what if the real transformation comes from something simpler?
When we practice compassion—toward ourselves and others—we stop seeing mistakes as failures and start seeing them as learning experiences. We stop taking things so personally. We become less reactive, less consumed by resentment, more open to change.
The more I reflect on this, the more I realise how much suffering is self-inflicted. How often do we replay an awkward conversation in our heads, assuming we embarrassed ourselves? Or beat ourselves up over things we can’t change? Imagine if, instead of criticising yourself, you treated yourself like a close friend. Wouldn’t life feel lighter?
Compassion Makes You a Better Leader (and Human)
If you look at the world’s best leaders—not just in business, but in communities, in families, in friendships—they all have one thing in common: they lead with emotional intelligence. And emotional intelligence is built on compassion.
We’re currently seeing a lot of the other type of ‘leaders’ on the world stage. A leader who lacks empathy demands perfection, dismisses emotions, and leads through fear. A leader with compassion, on the other hand, listens, understands, and inspires. They don’t just see what people do; they see why they do it. And that makes all the difference.
But leadership isn’t just about running a company or managing a team. We lead in our everyday lives—whether it’s showing up for our families, guiding a friend through a hard time, or simply setting the tone for how we interact with the world.
How to Build a Habit of Compassion
Like anything worth developing, compassion takes practice. Here’s where to start:
Pause Before Reacting – The next time someone frustrates you, take a breath before responding. Ask yourself: What might be happening in their world right now?
Turn Self-Criticism Into Self-Compassion – When you catch yourself being harsh, reframe it. Instead of, “I messed up,” try, “I’m learning.”
Make Eye Contact and Be Present – Really listen when people speak. Put your phone down. Acknowledge people. Small moments of connection create big change.
See Everyone as a Work in Progress (Including Yourself) – No one has it all figured out. We’re all just doing our best. Give others grace.
Compassion Isn’t Soft—It’s Transformative
The world often teaches us that kindness is weakness and hat to succeed, we have to be cutthroat, unyielding, and detached. But the truth is, compassion makes us stronger. It makes us more resilient, more adaptable, more human.
To borrow words from the Buddha, to be a person of true compassion is to be like a cloud of boundless rain, watering and nourishing the lives of others regardless of who and where they are.
So maybe the real secret to becoming the person you want to be isn’t about trying harder, achieving more, or pushing through at all costs. Maybe it’s about softening. About choosing understanding over judgment. About recognising that the more we give, the more we grow.
Because in the end, the way we treat others is the way we shape ourselves.
TL;DR: Leaning into the Brahmaviharas won’t hurt. But leaning into anger, stonewalling, worry, pettiness, etc will.
Adulting is hard. Between managing your boss’s last-minute requests, navigating the minefield of modern dating, and keeping up with the never-ending drama in your group chats, it can feel like life is one long stress test.
But what if there was a way to handle it all with a little more grace—and a lot less emotional whiplash? Enter the Brahmaviharas, a 2,500-year-old set of Buddhist principles that might just be the secret weapon you didn’t know you needed.
No, you don’t have to meditate on a mountaintop or renounce your worldly possessions to activate the Brahmaviharas. Think of the four qualities that make up the Brahmaviharas — (1) Metta (loving-kindness), (2) Karuna (compassion), (3) Mudita (empathetic joy), and (4) Upekkha (equanimity)—as emotional superpowers for modern life. They won’t turn you into an unbothered robot, but they will help you survive your 9-to-5 grind.
So, What Are the Brahmaviharas?
Let’s break them down into real-world terms:
Metta (Loving-Kindness): The ability to wish others well—even when it’s hard. I like to imagine my dad when I try to imagine what metta is. My dad loves me since the day I was born and every version of me since then. The good, the bad and the ugly. He’s never loved me any less when I was a rude, defiant pain in the butt teenager. Similarly, we should aspire to have goodwill for others even when they’re “misbehaving”.
Karuna (Compassion): I know we all have our own problems and sometimes it seems like we have no bandwidth to put our problems aside and step into the shoes of another that’s suffering too. But sometimes disarming our views and allowing ourselves to really hear and feel the other party’s pain helps us move a disagreement in a productive direction.
Mudita (Empathetic Joy): Celebrating someone else’s success—even when their win highlights your own struggles. We didn’t have to do anything for someone else to be happy. Why not take that as a win? Think cheering for your friend’s promotion while you’re stuck in a dead-end job.
Upekkha (Equanimity): Staying grounded when life throws curveballs. Not being overly attached to positive or negative mental states. Like keeping your cool after dropping your phone into a public toilet bowl (before flushing). You wouldn’t be the first or the last person in history to do this. You’re not the first or the last person to experience heartbreak, job loss, loss of a loved one and so forth. How do we not take life personally?
These aren’t abstract ideals; they’re practical tools for handling life’s messiness with fewer meltdowns and more (non-toxic) positivity.
How to Practice Without Quitting Your Job
You don’t need hours of meditation or a spiritual retreat to bring these principles into your daily life. Here’s how you can integrate them into the chaos of adulting:
Metta for People Who Annoy You
Start small. On your morning commute, silently wish kindness upon the guy blasting TikToks on his phone: “May someone give you a hug and tell you they love you today.” At work, send mental good vibes to your micromanaging boss: “May you stop hovering over my shoulder and may your blood pressure readings be normal.” Even while swiping left on dating apps, try thinking, “May you find happiness,” instead of “that’s a very cringey profile description”.
Karuna Without Burning Out
Compassion doesn’t mean sacrificing yourself at every turn. When a friend is venting, give them five undivided minutes of attention—no multitasking allowed. Small acts of kindness go a long way too: buy coffee for the tired barista or compliment your local hawker on their perfectly crispy chicken wings. Most importantly, don’t forget self-compassion. Treat yourself on bad days like you would treat your best friend—skip the guilt trip and opt for kindness instead.
Mudita When You’re Jealous AF
Jealousy is natural, but it doesn’t have to consume you. If scrolling through Instagram makes you feel inadequate, text one friend instead: “Your vacation pics made me happy!” At work, remind yourself that if you got promoted, you’d want cheers—not side-eyes—from colleagues. Even when envy strikes hard, practice celebrating strangers’ wins: that influencer with the perfect life? Whisper “Good for them,” and move on.
Upekkha for When Life Screws You Over
Equanimity isn’t about pretending everything is fine—it’s about accepting life’s chaos without letting it derail your peace.
When life throws stones—whether it’s a packed train during rush hour, office politics, or a sudden personal setback—upekkha helps you respond with clarity. Instead of seething at the crowd, take a deep breath and remind yourself: “This discomfort is temporary.” Shift your focus to something constructive—listen to a podcast, observe your surroundings without judgment, or simply practice mindful breathing.
When your boss drops yet another urgent request on your desk, pause before reacting. Ask yourself: “Will this matter in five years?” Most likely, it won’t. By zooming out and seeing the bigger picture, you can approach the task with calmness rather than resentment.
Equanimity isn’t ignoring life’s mess—it’s about accepting that there will be tough times.
Real-Life Challenges (Because Adulting Is Messy)
Of course, practicing these principles isn’t always easy. What happens when they don’t seem to work?
“I tried Metta, but my coworker’s still a jerk.” Kindness doesn’t mean being a doormat. Set boundaries while wishing them well from afar.
“The person is so mean to me—I don’t feel any Karuna right now.” Compassion starts with yourself. Take a timeout instead of trying to fix everyone’s problems.
“How do I feel Mudita when my friend’s living MY dream?” Acknowledge the sting (“Ugh, I’m jealous”), then pivot: “But they worked hard—that’s cool. What I see is their success but not the struggles and trade offs they made to get there”
“Equanimity? I just rage-quit my Zoom call.” Perfect! Notice the anger, take three deep breaths, and remind yourself: “This meeting is temporary chaos.”
Why Bother?
Here’s the thing: practicing the Brahmaviharas isn’t just about being nice—it’s about improving your mental health and relationships in tangible ways:
Metta reduces grudges and helps you sleep better.
Karuna deepens connections and combats loneliness.
Mudita lessens envy and brings more joy.
Upekkha minimizes freakouts and keeps the heart in balance
Ask yourself: Has any negative mental state ever brought you peace and happiness – rage, resentment, jealousy, sense of entitlement, hopelessness, paranoia, contempt, self pity, obsessiveness?
May we humbly suggest that the Brahmaviharas could perhaps be a better response?
Think of these qualities as an adulting survival kit—a set of tools to help you handle life’s chaos.
So go ahead: wish people well (even that auntie that keeps bugging you about why you’re not married yet). Care without collapsing under the weight of it all. Cheer others on like it costs nothing (because it doesn’t). And breathe through life’s inevitable curveballs and low points. Your adulting game just got an upgrade—and trust us, it looks good on you.
Wise Steps:
Make the effort to give kindness to those who annoy you, for your own peace of mind
Treat yourself with the same compassion you give others, be your own friend
Celebrate the wins of others, the same way you would hope others celebrate yours
In times of turmoil, center yourself within the chaos and watch it pass, remembering that you are not alone in your suffering.
This Handful of Leaves episode features Julian’s deeply personal journey of self-discovery, vulnerability, and healing. He shares his struggles with self-worth, identity, and societal expectations, reflecting on how Buddhism, self-acceptance, and gym culture helped him overcome past trauma. Through his experiences, Julian emphasises the importance of kindness — to oneself and others — and the courage to be authentic despite life’s challenges.
About the Speaker
Julian is a personal trainer and massage therapist who recently embraced a path of spirituality in his pursuit of a more authentic life. After returning from Canada following a career setback, he took the opportunity to reflect deeply on his journey and redefine his purpose. Now, he is dedicated to helping others who may feel lost, guiding them toward balance in both body and mind. As a father to a teenage daughter and a passionate advocate for fitness and mental well-being, Julian believes in the power of movement, mindfulness, and self-discovery to transform lives.
Key Takeaways
Self-Acceptance and Compassion
Acknowledge and embrace imperfections as part of personal growth, instead of striving for unattainable perfection.
Vulnerability as Strength
Opening up about struggles can lead to deeper connections and support from loved ones, making emotional burdens easier to carry.
Cultivate Kindness
Practicing empathy and considering both personal well-being and the well-being of others creates a more compassionate and fulfilling life.
Transcript
Full Transcript
[00:00:05] Julian: Until I was 18 years old, I could not look in the mirror at all. I’d go to the barber and I’d do this. I refused to look in the mirror. I could not. And the barbers would have to smack me, pull my head out forcefully because I just refused to do it.
[00:01:35] Cheryl: Tell me more about your journey as a Buddhist.
[00:01:37] Julian: Okay. I grew up Christian. Only in NS, when I met a very very good friend of mine and he’s now a Lama. He came to find me over the years and I think one day, he said to me, you’re supposed to be a Buddhist you were born to be a Buddhist and again.
[00:02:00] Julian: I remember at the time I was like no, it’s not something that I can accept, you know. But I think over the years, I was really quite dissatisfied with what Christians were telling me about myself. There’s always something wrong with me.
[00:02:13] Julian: After learning a bit more about Buddhism, that really is what life is about, is learning. So a lot of these that I go through now, or in the past to get over it, I’ve always told myself instead of being angry at it and reacting to it, you respond and that gives me pause.
[00:02:33] Julian: It’s very difficult, but I try, right? And this stems from something Lama said when I was in NS. He said, gay people are the way they are, because at some point in your past life, you were homophobic and you were very mean and very unkind to people who were gay.
[00:02:55] Julian: And therefore, this is the lesson you must learn. Of course, at the time, I didn’t accept it. But now, even if you look at it from a very contemporary, scientific perspective, even if it’s not true, even if you don’t believe in past lives, it doesn’t detract us from being kinder to people who are suffering because of whatever they’re going through.
[00:03:20] Julian: And my generation, the Gen Xs, we grew up in this environment where you must have a steady job, must have a car, must have so much to be successful. And this comes back to this Buddhist thing of ego, and this vulnerability, also comes from ego. I was a very proud person.
[00:03:40] Cheryl: So what changed?
[00:03:41] Julian: Losing it all. In all my life, I’ve always wanted to make a difference. And at some point I realised what difference am I making in all of this with my job and my career.
[00:03:51] Cheryl: What does it mean for you to just be yourself? From what I understand, (you) have not been yourself.
[00:03:57] Julian: The sense of liberation and the rewards I’ve received from being as natural as I can, I don’t live with like a knife at my throat anymore, a knife at your throat. When I was living in the double, I was hiding my family.
[00:04:15] Julian: I did it out of fear. Fear is a very, very powerful emotion. I was afraid for them. I was afraid for me. I was afraid of what people think about me. I was afraid of what people would think about them. And I was afraid of people blackmailing me, which happened quite a bit as well.You know, “if you don’t have sex with me, I’m going to tell your family”.
[00:04:31] Cheryl: That must be so difficult.
[00:04:33] Julian: It was part of the journey. And I can’t say that that journey was anyone else’s fault because that also came from my decisions in the past, correct or incorrect. And so I stuck with it and so coming out again to them and saying all of this was also very difficult for me because I was like, am I ready to lose it all?
[00:05:00] Julian: But it also comes to a point where really what to do. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. No matter what we do, people will judge you. There’s nothing that anyone’s going to agree with you 100%. It’s impossible, right? If I’m going to show skin, people are going to complain. If I don’t show skin, people are also going to complain.
[00:05:21] Julian: People just want to be heard. It was difficult to know that you’re going to lose everything. But one of the things I’ve also realised is that after all these years, I will always find a way to figure it out. Looking back, I’ve always sort of belittled myself. I said, no, you’re not good enough.
[00:05:40] Julian: You’re not good enough, which is very, very unhealthy. At some point I realised I needed to stop doing that. I needed to have a lot more self love, you know? Why can’t you do well in school? You’re horrible at it. Everything fails, you know? But that is the generation we grew up in.
[00:05:58] Cheryl: So what, how do you change that? Right. How do you bring the external inspirer motivator to come alive within?
[00:06:06] Julian: Okay. If you see my Instagram, it’s a lot of skin. I have to say, fortunately or unfortunately, I started with that. Growing up, I was always called short and ugly and until I was 18 years old, I could not look in the mirror at all.
[00:06:25] Julian: I’d go to the barber and I’d do this. I refused to look in the mirror. I could not. And the barbers would have to smack me, pull my head out forcefully because I just refused to do it. So I grew up like that, feeling very, very dirty about myself.
[00:06:46] Julian: And so now going to gym has been my therapy, it is my safe space. And it’s something that I tell myself I cannot, and I will not compromise.
[00:06:57] Cheryl: It’s fascinating how you started with revenge and now it’s become your safe space.
[00:07:02] Julian: So this confidence thing started from there when somebody looks at my Instagram page, yea the guy wants attention, I don’t deny it. Because that was how I could find love and attention for me. That changed. By being able to see myself, I realised I have to stop saying
[00:07:21] Julian: Okay, this is what happened. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see pictures, “this part still need to work”, “this part still need to work”, “your legs are so small”. Like, “what are you doing Julian?” “What’s wrong with you?” “Buck up”. And that’s what pushed me over the years. This constant saying, “not good enough”. Despite thousands of people telling me, “you look good”. Never believe this.
[00:07:53] Julian: And at some point, I thought to myself, I really have to say, stop. What is good? Everything can be better. Everything we do can be better. That’s how we self improve. But we have to stop saying, it’s all not good. I’ve done nothing so far. That was my lesson.
[00:08:17] Cheryl: You play many characters in your life. You take on so many jobs. At night, when you go to sleep who is this Julian that’s left?
[00:08:24] Julian: Who’s the real me? It’s that scared little boy who’s terrified of everything, terrified of making decisions, terrified of taking control. I used to write and call it, the monster I chained up inside.
[00:08:35] Julian: A part of me finds that being this vulnerable now, might make them suffer. I’ve been able to recently tell my daughter and my wife. that I’m in a bad place and I’m depressed. And feeling like I don’t want to live anymore. In a male dominated society as a father, it’s very difficult.
[00:09:00] Julian: But I’ve been rewarded with my family telling me you’re going to be okay. I am glad that this is also a reward of the vulnerability that I’ve been able to show recently, my crying on videos. I stopped holding back and I’ve learned that when I stopped holding back from myself, I also stopped holding back from them.
[00:09:24] Julian: If my deepest and darkest secrets are out to them, no one else matters anymore.They can accept me for everything that I am. They support me regardless of everything that I am. It’s still a journey.
[00:09:38] Cheryl: It’s still a journey, still a battle, but you show up every day trying your best. What is the most essential message that you want to share with our listeners who are young working adults between the age of 18 to up to 40s.
[00:09:56] Julian: Be kind to yourself. Don’t be arrogant about it, but allow yourself to be imperfect and accept it. We are all imperfect beings. We are all on this plane of existence to better ourselves. It’s very easy to be kind to other people, you know, some people will flip it around. It’s very easy to be kind to yourself. No, it’s very easy to be selfish about yourself. What’s the difference?
[00:10:22] Julian: Selfish is ego. “I want money. I must feel better before you. I want to earn more money. So therefore I don’t give you this lead so that you don’t close the sale because I want the sale.” That’s ego.
[00:10:36] Julian: Where’s the kindness to yourself? Kindness to yourself is saying things like “I have empathy for the guy. He needs the money and I want to help him, but I am in no position to help him without that money. Then what’s going to happen? I’m doing him no good. Let me earn this money with him. Let’s grow together.” That’s kindness for myself and him.
[00:11:01] Julian: It’s very easy to be selfish in ourselves. It’s very easy. I want money. I want good food. What are the motivations? It’s me. The ones who say I want to make a million dollars. I want to make a billion dollars because I want to give 80 percent away. There’s a difference. So be kind to yourself, understand that you’re not perfect. And of course, be kind to other people. I think that’s the root of kindness.
[00:11:28] Cheryl: Thank you so much, Julian. Maybe just want to add one point which is, I think it’s extremely encouraging and inspiring to me to see that you have so many battles to fight on this difficult journey, but yet you try your best, right? Not being perfect all the time, of course, but you do try your best to make people a little bit less like how you felt with that scared little boy inside. I don’t know if Jia Yi has any last words or questions.
[00:11:56] Jia Yi: When you, you decided to be vulnerable and it was a huge gamble for you to lose it, was it like a push or pull factor or something snapped that made you decide, okay, I’m going to do this?
[00:12:08] Julian: It was more of a sense of overwhelming frustration. It’s almost like what I call the aspie melt. I’m done. I’ve had enough. Enough. You know, I just want to throw out the trash. I wasn’t quite able to see what would happen.
[00:12:28] Julian: I just had to trust myself that I would have the ability and the universe will have the ability to keep me safe. So, you know, even as I thought, lose the house, lose the family, lose my friends, parents and all, just lose it. There was a part of me that I lose it all and I can’t handle it or can’t tank it, kill myself.
[00:12:54] Jia Yi: So it was like your last straw already?
[00:12:56] Julian: It was, yeah. I do have to add, the thing that has always kept me from the act itself, is the Buddhist teaching. And it was something my Lama told me many years ago, that if we do commit suicide, we will be doomed. Doomed to live your last moments over and over and over again. Until your supposed time and then you pay penance for it.
[00:13:19] Julian: And I remember thinking, “so terrible”. I just want to go. This just makes it worse. You know? So, it has kept me literally from going over the edge. Look down and be like, “Do I want to keep doing this? No.”
[00:13:44] Jia Yi: Thank you for sharing.
[00:13:46] Cheryl: Okay. Yeah. Thank you so much Julian.
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Editor and transcriber of this episode:
Hong Jia Yi, Ang You Shan, Tan Si Jing, Bernice Bay, Cheryl Cheah
