TLDR: To love and care without attachment, one must let go and realise that nothing is truly ours.
“I discovered a great spiritual example at the supermarket!” declared Āyasmā Rāhula on a cold rainy night in December.
I was at the Singapore Buddhist Mission on a Wednesday night for a special dhamma talk by the Mexican-born, Burmese-ordained monastic.
He was giving a talk titled, “How do we care and love without attachment?”.
We often learn that to attach is to set ourselves up for eventual dissatisfaction. So is it possible to care and love without attachment?
I’d previously been exposed to Bhante Rāhula from a YouTube video shared with me by a dear friend from RainbodhiSG and was delighted to discover that he was similarly animated in real life as he was online.
At the start of the talk, he told us to put on spiritual safety belts, for he was going to take us on a journey that might get a little rocky.
His talk was divided into 3 main parts.
Mettā and letting go of my crushes
He began by exploring what mettā (translated into English as “loving-kindness”) was.
The characteristic of mettā is to promote the welfare of all living beings, he explained.
Mettā’s function is to prefer for the welfare of others and oneself. Its manifestation is the removal of ill will.
Finally, the proximate cause of mettā is to see beings as lovable, and not have selfish affection.
Love, he continues, makes you feel content. Attachment, however, makes you suffer.
That struck a chord.
All my crushes were causing great suffering.
I had to let them go. If nothing else, I think I had already benefited from the first third of the talk.
An analogy might be in order.
Imagine a girl holding a heavy sack of rice weighing about 5kg. For a long time, she carries it around wherever she goes. This sack of rice is precious to her. Even though it weighs her down, she holds it close. Eventually her arms get tired. She reluctantly puts it on the ground. She lets it go.
I was that girl. My crush was that sack of rice.
In my mind, I laid the sack of rice down, my crush, on the ground.
I was fine without or without her.
It was alright.
This mental letting go felt freeing. A weight lifted. My mind was lighter. Clearer.
Of course, this letting go is a continual process. For the default action is to hold the sack of rice close to the chest. The girl has done it for so long, that is her natural state of being. Every time she is aware, she puts the sack of rice down, she lets it go.
So it is with my mind. Again and again and again, I make a mental shift, and there is a felt sense in my mind to let the crush go.
He told us that with attachment to a person often comes worry and jealousy leading one to exert control over the other, and ultimately violence, whether verbal or physical toward the other party.
I recalled breaking up with my very first girlfriend mainly because I felt very suffocated due to the extent of control she was exerting over me.
Letting go, Bhante explains, helps both you and your partner to be free.
Freedom. That’s what so many of us seek.
The difference between desire and attachment
The excellent spiritual example Bhante Rāhula discovered at the supermarket went a bit like this.
Imagine we wanted to eat some potato chips. We go to the supermarket and pick out a bag, sour cream and onion potato chips. We put it into our shopping basket and proceed to the checkout.
At this point, is the potato chip ours?
No, it belongs to the supermarket.
If we were to rip open the bag to eat the potato chips, the security guard would reprimand us and tell us to pay before consuming the product.
At the checkout, the cashier smiles at us and begins scanning the items we have picked out at the supermarket.
At this point, as she scans the items, do the potato chips belong to us? Nope.
They still belong to the supermarket.
Finally, after the scanning is done, we pay with our card.
Beep.
Now, the potato chips belong to us.
If the cashier decides to open the bag of chips and eat it, you’d probably yell at her and say, “Hey! That’s mine!”
That is the difference between desire and attachment.
Before payment, the potato chips was just something we wanted. After payment, the potato chips became “MINE”. Attached to me.
Desire is when something is just a feeling, a want of a project, a thing, or a person. When it transforms into attachment, we then think, in our mine that this project, this thing, this person – “IT IS MINE”, when it really isn’t.
In a split second, after we pay for the potato chips, it is “MINE”.
Wow.
I then began to realise that often, it is an unconscious process in day-to-day life when projects, things, or people, unwittingly switch from being a desire to an attachment, especially when it is brought into our sphere of influence.
It is important to realise, that nothing is truly ours. We are all, as my favourite Buddhist author, Thich Nhat Hanh says, Interbeing, or interconnected. If we learn to dissolve our sense of self, we will then realise that nothing truly belongs to us. We might be given stewardship for some time, but people don’t belong to us, things don’t belong to us, for after we die, they cannot be taken with us.
Awareness is the first step to letting go.
Once we are aware, we begin to see how silly it is to cling so tightly to the objects of our attachment. And then, our vice-like grip on them begins to loosen.
(Dear Reader, I think I will never forget this because I actually LOVE potato chips and have often entered supermarkets with the sole intention of buying a bag or two. This is the beauty of spiritual metaphors. Indelibly etched into my brain.)
Antidotes
He gave a list of various antidotes from cultivating self-love, being aware of anicca (impermanence), and developing healthy boundaries.
I’ll elaborate on the one that made the most impact to me.
Firstly, he said we need to cultivate independence.
We did a little role-playing. He told us to ask him, “Bhante, are you worried about your business projects?”
Seated in the first row, I gamely asked him, “Bhante are you worried about your business projects?”
He smiled and said enthusiastically, “No, because I have no business projects!”
A chorus of laughter.
Then, he told me to ask him, “Bhante are you worried about your dog?”
Grinning, I asked, “Bhante are you worried about your dog?”
Chuckling, he said, “No, because I have no dog!”
And we went on, until he quipped at the end of this exchange, “The person who has nothing, worries about absolutely nothing.”
The room roared with laughter at his pun that hit so unexpectedly close to the bone.
But responding compassionately to a question, he wisely pointed out that instead of losing our houses, relationships and children, when we let go, we actually don’t lose anything at all. We upgrade our house and our relationships. For they are now free.
It is not my home, it is a home I am grateful to be living in.
It is not my children, they are children I have the privilege of caring for, and when they grow up, they are not mine, they lead their own lives and I can be their kalyanamitta (spiritual friend).
Next, he reminded us of the importance of developing self-love so as not to seek validation from others.
Q&A
After the main talk was over, he took questions in a short question-and-answer session.
My hand shot up and I asked him how we should balance the tension between working on projects, and being lazy by “letting them go”.
His answer was wise and blew my mind.
We need to let go of expectations of how our projects will turn out, but if the projects are good projects, we should definitely put our heart into it.
How does one know if one’s working on something good?
Glad you asked.
Projects that brought about monetary benefit were alright for they provided for oneself and one’s family, and can be donated for the propagation of the dhamma.
Perhaps your regular day job as an administrative staff, or a carpenter is like that. It brings monetary benefit for you, allows you to support your family, and allows you to periodically offer dana to sangha members.
He continued by explaining that projects that bring about monetary benefit, and benefits others, that was even better. For it helped others. An example of this would be your job as a nurse, an educator, or a civil servant. It not only provides a monthly income for daily living, but also allows you to benefit your patient, your student, or the general public. That is even better.
Finally, he said that projects that bring about monetary benefits, benefits others, and brings about spiritual growth. Ah, those were the best projects to participate in.
Perhaps you are inclined to write an innovative book about the dhamma after hours of poring over scripture or code a mobile phone app dedicated to the propagation of the Dhamma for a small profit, and giving a percentage of the proceeds to your favourite temple. In this way, not only do you manage to earn a living, if you are a writer or a software engineer, it benefits others, and also brings about spiritual growth for yourself and others.
I thanked him for his answer and was most grateful.
Conclusion
I am most grateful to the Singapore Buddhist Mission for organising this talk by Bhante Āyasmā Rāhula and look forward to attending future dhamma-sharing sessions there.
TLDR: Marry My Dead Body. With increased exposure and interactions, we can learn to reduce our fear and overcome our biases and prejudices towards people who are different from us. The power of love, compassion, and forgiveness is not to be underestimated; it can help us overcome our challenges and increase the happiness of ourselves and others.
Marry my dead body
Ming Han in a ghost wedding to ward off bad luck Cr: Netflix
Marry My Dead Body is a funny Taiwanese LGBTQ-themed movie that weaves in themes of love, compassion, and forgiveness. Some minor spoilers will be shared here, please proceed with caution.
In brief, the movie is about a straight homophobic and ghostphobic male cop, Ming Han, who was compelled to marry a male gay ghost, Mao Mao, in a traditional ghost wedding, to avoid a string of bad luck.
Through a series of hilarious interactions between the cop and the ghost, we see the relationship transform from intense animosity to tolerance, acceptance, and love. Below are three Dhammic lessons I glimpsed when watching the movie!
Cultivating Love for Difficult People:
What do you think when I mention Love? You are probably thinking of your past unrequited love aka crush, or if you are lucky, romantic love, yet the word love encompasses more than just romantic love. Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposes the Triangular Theory of Love, which consists of 3 components of love that includes 1) commitment, 2) passion, and 3) intimacy.
Love takes on diverse forms, like a tapestry woven with romantic love, companionate love, friendship love, and consummate love.
Romantic love ignites quickly with passion and intimacy but can fizzle without lasting commitment.
In enduring relationships, passion may dim, but companionate love emerges, where commitment and intimacy persist, transforming partners into best friends.
Friendship love is marked by heartfelt intimacy, yet it lacks the fiery passion and enduring commitment found in romantic relationships.
The pinnacle is consummate love in Sternberg’s theory – the trio of commitment, passion, and intimacy, a love that endures through time, keeping the flames of passion and intimacy alive.
Love conquers all may be a cliché that we often hear, but does it ring true in Buddhism? What does the Buddha have to say about love? The Buddha teaches and encourages us to cultivate love – specifically, in the form of Mettā or Lovingkindness.
Metta & the gay ghost
The cop & the ghost argue. Cr: Netlfix
In the practice of Mettā, besides finding it hard to extend lovingkindness for oneself, the other group of people we find challenging to practice with would be the “Difficult People” in our lives.
Similarly, in the movie, the homophobic cop has a hard time extending love, care, and concern to the gay ghost. The cop felt that he was tricked into the arranged marriage, plus, he embraces a more macho, no-nonsense approach to life, whereas the ghost appears to be more effeminate, and playful to his liking.
Nevertheless, after an extended period of interaction and understanding the challenges the ghost has to endure, he slowly opens up to the ghost. He is able to extend goodwill towards his adversary – the ghost.
I recall in one of Ajahn Brahm’s talks, he shared a technique on how to extend lovingkindness to a difficult person in our life. Ajahn Brahm encourages us to look at a person’s face and see if we can extend Lovingkindness to the person’s eyes, nose, ear, mouth, or other features of the face that are acceptable enough for us to extend our love towards.
Another cliché comes to mind, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!” The point here is to break the hard and challenging part of extending Mettā towards our “Enemies” into small bite-sized forms, and you may find the Mettā flows freely towards them!
Compassion for Others’ Suffering:
Suffering is inevitable in our daily lives, and when we are overwhelmed with our pain and losses, we may find it hard to extend compassion to others around us.
However, to alleviate our pain and suffering, sometimes, it helps to turn outward to others around us, and see how we can help those in need. In psychology, this technique would be called downward social comparison, whereby instead of comparing ourselves to others who are doing better than us, we would compare ourselves to those who are worse off than us.
By doing this, we can learn to 1) be grateful for the things going well for us; and 2) extend our compassion towards those in need.
When Ming Han, the cop, saw that Mao Mao was dealing with unrequited one-sided love with his boyfriend, Ming Han realized that despite having a different sexual orientation from Mao Mao, the desire to love and be loved is natural and universal.
This was observed when we saw that Mao Mao wanted to get married to his boyfriend, following the legalization of gay marriage in Taiwan. Mao Mao wanted to gain the legal recognition of marriage like other straight couples.
Finding common ground or values makes it easier to relate and connect to others in our lives. These tiny glimpses into the life of another allow one’s compassion to come forth easily.
For myself, when I am frustrated with my interactions with difficult people, I remind myself that they too desire happiness. Of course, our approach to achieving happiness may differ, but that does not mean that I have the right to stop them from pursuing their happiness.
Compassion helps to buffer against suffering in two ways, 1) by helping to neutralize and reduce the impact of negative thoughts that arise in our mind, and 2) by providing the inner-confidence to endure and overcome challenges that come up in our life, so both our heart and mind is steady and collected.
HH Dalai Lama further elaborates that compassion causes our brain to function better and brings inner strength, which serves as a source of happiness. For a person who has to deal with not only his own suffering but also the suffering of the Tibetan people, the Dalai Lama has a higher level of acceptance and compassion towards the suffering of others than I do.
Forgiveness is Always Possible:
I recalled in the Dec 2022 meditation retreat that I attended with Ajahn Brahm, I was having a challenging time practising. I tried my usual array of Mindfulness, Lovingkindness, and Compassion meditation, yet they all failed to calm my agitated mind towards the difficult person in my workplace.
Then, I remembered the Forgiveness practice that I learned with my Buddhist lay teacher – Jeff Oliver, and I downloaded his e-book – “Forgiveness of Everyone” to dive deep into the practice and I found that Forgiveness worked! I had immense gratitude to the retreat participant who asked a question about Forgiveness and to Ajahn Brahm for eloquently elaborating on the Forgiveness practice, which planted the seed for me to give Forgiveness practice another try during the retreat.
The power of forgiveness comes alive during the movie. It made me ponder, that sometimes, the key to letting go of a difficult situation or person in our life is by forgiving them.
In the movie, a poignant part is where the ghost’s father seeks forgiveness for his dismissive behaviour toward his son’s decision to marry his boyfriend.
The act of seeking forgiveness, despite not being able to interact with Mao Mao (the ghost) directly, helps to absolve the guilt of the father, and also for Mao Mao who was able to hear the love flowing from his father helped him to be absolved from his worldly attachment and be set free.
Mao Mao’s Father & the Cop interact as Mao Mao watches over Cr: Netflix
As viewers, through the backstory, we actually see that there was a big misunderstanding between the father and the ghost, resulting in anger and frustration in their already tense relationship.
Similarly in life, we may rightfully be upset with our friends and loved ones over their seemingly “wrong” behaviour, but we may be clouded with our own thoughts and fail to see the true reason why they may behave the way they did.
Hence, open communication and forgiveness may help smoothen our social relationships before they deteriorate. We do not want to wait until the inevitable (Death) happens, and we cannot mend our relationships.
Conclusion
In conclusion, if you are looking for a light-hearted movie to ease your mind off your daily grind yet want to gain some wisdom from watching movies, check out Marry My Dead Body.
Besides having a good laugh, you may discover additional nuggets of wisdom to better navigate your relationships in life and gain a better understanding and compassion towards LGBTQ+ individuals. Let us strive to help ourselves, and our fellow beings lead a happier and more compassionate life, in whatever small ways we can.
Wise Steps:
To increase our tolerance towards people of different values and experiences, try to read a short article or a book, or even talk to someone who has that lived-in experience, and see how your views and attitudes may change after a chat. Or you can try to practice sending Mettā first, before engaging with them.
Try to imagine yourself in a challenging situation in life who desires help and support from others. Similarly, others are also seeking relief from suffering. What small ways can we help those in need? Donating $1 or $2 to the tissue seller by the street is my small way of extending my compassion to those in need, how about you?
In dealing with difficult people in our lives, we may not be able, nor do we wish to seek direct communication with the other party. Still, we can use a tip from psychological research – write a letter to the other person, to express our views and forgive them. This may be the release you need for self-healing.
For those who self-identified as LGBTQ+ Buddhist or allies, you can check out Rainbodhi Singapore community, explore the website here or join the Telegram group for event updates here.
Editor’s note: This article was first published from buddhism.net and edited with the author’s permission, Meng is also an advisor to Handful of Leaves.
TW: This article has brief mention of suicide contemplation
TLDR: From suicidal thoughts to a successful career at Google, follow Meng’s path as Buddhism becomes the beacon of light that guides him to lasting happiness.
My name is Meng, and Buddhism saved my life.
“Buddhism” in Singapore
I grew up in Singapore in a “Buddhist” family within a “Buddhist” culture. I put the word “Buddhist” in quotes because when I was growing up, the “Buddhism” I encountered was little more than idol worshipping, superstition, and elaborate funeral rites.
Many of the adults around me were “Buddhists” their entire lives and almost none of them had even the slightest idea what the core teachings of the Buddha were.
A quest for meaning beyond IQ
When I was in my early teens, I started searching for the meaning of life. The adults thought I was just an uncommonly smart kid doing what uncommonly smart kids did.
See, my IQ was measured at 156, I learned to read at age eighteen months, I taught myself computer programming at twelve, and I won my first national programming award at fifteen.
So, I fit the profile. However, the real reason I was searching was because I was suffering from depression.
It turned out that being smart and being very good at my craft even at a very young age did not make me happy.
Actually, it was even worse than that: I was suicidal. The only thing that kept me alive was I was too cowardly to die, but I also knew it was only a matter of time before my misery exceeded my cowardice.
Yeah, not good. Something had to change.
Searching through the different religions
I looked everywhere for answers. I looked to science and philosophy, which were a lot of fun to learn, but did nothing to help me with my suffering and my search for the meaning of life. I tried to understand religion, learning about Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism and Christianity.
The Buddhism I learned back then was Zen Buddhism, which I found mostly incomprehensible at the time with its weird, inscrutable questions (koans) such as, “The sound of two hands is clapping; what is the sound of one hand?”
The most attractive of all my options was Christianity, which was glitzy and extremely well-funded and well-organized in Singapore. However, it did not provide me with the answers I sought.
Worse, some encouraged adherents to eventually have unshakeable faith, placing aside my understanding and love for science. I really, really didn’t want to do that, thank you very much.
Crying & Suffering
The turning point came when I was twenty-one. I was invited to a Pentecostal church. It was very different from my previous understanding of church.
You see, I went to Catholic High School in Singapore, and the only reason my father sent me there was because he asked a friend who was an alumnus, and he highly recommended it. That friend later became the Prime Minister of Singapore. So I ended up in Catholic school, and I learned the Lord’s Prayer by heart, and thought I knew what church service meant.
But, oh boy, this was different.
Catholic High School in Singapore, back when I was attending it.
I found that Pentecostal church service was not boring at all, to say the least. They had energetic music, the pastor spoke like a pro, everybody “spoke in tongue”, and there was a lot of crying. A lot of crying. I saw for myself how it worked.
Every week, these people would come seeking relief from their emotional pain, hoping to flush it away. Whoa.
Never mind that there were no answers here that made any sense to me, this was a place I could come to and cry every week to flush out my pain for the week.
I was impressed.
The week after that, I met a Tibetan Buddhist nun, Venerable Sangye Khadro. I asked her, “I went to church, I saw how they relieved their suffering. What is there in Buddhism that helps us deal with suffering?”.
Her answer was, “All of Buddhism is about dealing with suffering.”
It was like suddenly, somebody opened the floodgates and a million tons of water came gushing in thunderously.
I immediately understood. I knew I was near to whatever I was seeking.
Finding solace in Dhamma and meditation
Coincidentally, the venerable was scheduled to give a talk in my university the following week, which I made a point to attend. In the middle of her talk, she uttered one sentence, “It is all about cultivating the mind.”
The moment I heard that, everything in my life made sense to me. Everything.
I told myself, “From this moment on, right here, right now, I am a Buddhist.” I have never looked back. It was the best decision I have ever made.
Venerable Sangye Khadro
In the months that followed, I learned Buddhist meditation. It changed my life. The first truly life-changing experience for me was sitting in meditation in an alert and relaxed state, then experiencing a gentle joy enveloping my entire body and mind for about thirty minutes.
I learned later that what I experienced was not magical at all. I had simply experienced the mind without its usual layer of constant agitation.
Without agitation, the mind returns to its default state, and the default state of the mind is joy. With that, I saw clearly how Buddhism would be the solution to my misery.
The journey continues
I am happy to report that since then, I had released myself from depression, I was no longer suicidal. I had found meditation and the Buddhist view of the meaning to life.
I went on to have a successful career as an early engineer at Google, and Archbishop Desmond Tutu nominated the One Billion Acts of Peace campaign I co-chair for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Yeah, things kind of worked out for me. And I never had to reject science, nor force myself to blindly believe in anything that did not make any sense to me. Buddhism was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Nobel Peace Laureate
WISE STEPS:
Meditate Regularly: Embrace the transformative power of meditation to cultivate a peaceful mind.
Seek Guidance: Connect with experienced practitioners or monks for deeper insights into Buddhist philosophy.
Editor’s note: This is an adapted article from Roberta’s blog of reflection and learnings
TLDR: Running thin on kindness for your loved ones? Ro explores deeper why that happens and how we can change that.
Life’s Ironies
It’s one of life’s ironies, that we often reserve our charm and grace for colleagues and fleeting strangers, while our closest companions sometimes (or often) get the grumpy, exhausted and less-than-ideal versions of us.
In a recent conversation with some friends (all inspiring, strong ladies), we reflected on how easy it is to take those dearest to us for granted.
It’s like we’re keeping our kindness currency in a bank, only using the keycard for brief interactions scattered throughout our day. I’ve been pondering this behaviour and why this tends to be the case for so many of us. It is as if our bank of Metta is sucked out of us before we notice.
Great at corporate, Not-so-great at loved ones
A close friend of mine, a true corporate powerhouse, who can network with potential clients and business magnates with the charisma of a Hollywood star, reflected on how she often greets her partner with but a quick peck and a tyranny of demands.
Such a paradox. It’s not intentional, of course — she doesn’t mean to be demanding and low energy. In the moment, she isn’t able to withhold her raw emotions and frustrations and when he’s not around, she feels worse for her behaviour. She had, what Ajahn Brahm calls, ‘Double Guilt’, the guilt from feeling guilty about doing something negative
Loved ones in our line of fire
We’ve all been there. Life’s demands and uncertainties that are associated with being an adult can leave us feeling anxious and on edge. When we’re with our loved ones, we get to come out from under the facade that we carry throughout our days and reveal our anxieties and raw emotions.
Who better to witness this transformation than our loved ones, who end up often unfortunately in the firing line?
Showing kindness to others is an important social currency. I believe that a small kindness to a stranger can go a long way. It’s important to remember though, that friends and family are our true gems, and worthy of being treated as such.
They care deeply, they’re the ones who see us at our worst and still love us. In a world bursting with seven billion people, these connections inject meaning and purpose into our existence.
So then, it should be as natural as breathing to shower them with kindness and affection, right?
How often do you give your partner a warm smile?
When we talk about kindness, it’s often defined as selflessly helping others, with no expectation of receiving anything in return.
We beam at our barista, applaud a colleague’s effort, and lend an ear to an acquaintance. With our friends and family, we often have a different bar for them and load them with expectations that we associate with our relationship.
We don’t approach them with the same lens that we do strangers, which makes showing kindness that much more meaningful.
Unfiltered vs. Worst Self
It’s both a blessing and a curse to have our loved ones see all of us. They see the best side of us and the less patient and often curt sides of our personalities.
Psychological studies even reveal that we sometimes unleash direct (nagging, demands) and indirect (passive-aggressiveness) aggression on our closest ones because we think they can handle it. Essentially, we treat them like the punching bags of our emotions.
Think about that. We’re being our worst selves to our favourite people, just because they will “tolerate” it. What a twisted way of showing affection.
Imagine An Alternate Reality with Your Loved Ones
Wouldn’t it be better if we lit up when our partner entered the room? Or greeted our parents with hugs that radiate love? Maybe we should meet our friends with the energy we save for the coffee meeting with a client?
I’m not advocating for us to don masks and put up fronts before our loved ones. But it’s about acknowledging how our autopilot treatment of our loved ones can be harmful.
Time is precious, and in our busy lives, amid countless demands, it’s vital to spoil our loved ones with kindness and appreciation.
These are a few tips about how we can show more kindness and love to our favourite people:
Practice Stoicism — imagine life without them
This can sound morbid and negative, but that’s exactly what makes it a strong practice. In my daily meditations, I can experience the huge hole my life would have without the presence and love of my family and closest friends.
This makes me feel a sense of immense gratitude and love for them and the time that I have with them. I’m able to be more present and more openly show my appreciation for them.
Ever notice the small gestures from your partner, like making you a cup of tea or opening the door for you?
Maybe it’s a friend, listening to your latest quandary. It’s so easy to take for granted these actions from our loved ones when we are in the thick of our turmoil.
Yet, the small actions are acts of love that we should take more time to acknowledge. Noticing these actions gives us opportunities for us to show gratitude. It can be as simple as conveying your gratitude for their actions through a heartfelt, in-the-moment “thank you.”
By sharing gratitude and being aware of their actions, you are less likely to “attack” your loved ones.
It comes back twofold, as it also helps future difficult conversations become more meaningful.
You can try out Gratitude meditation guided by an awesome nun, Ayya Khema, right here.
Be Present — The Game-Changer
Quality time together requires presence and curiosity. No matter how tired, grumpy or impatient I feel, nothing turns that around and shows my partner that I care more, than by being present.
When I am present, I have the space to appreciate that they are human beings, just like me who are experiencing their life challenges and insecurities. Presence is the key to showing love and gratitude, as it helps to create space and intentions from your actions.
I switch off my smartphone, turn away from the screen, and just listen. Listen with compassion and love by remembering that the words that my loved ones share, convey how they feel, and this is important to me.
Amongst all the chaos of work and life, we mustn’t forget to scatter kindness where it’s most needed.
It takes effort to ensure our loved ones feel like they are the most important people in our lives. While it’s beautiful that they get full access to see us at our worst, it’s not a free pass to treat them worse than we treat a mere stranger or colleague.
By expressing kindness in your relationships, even when you’re venting or airing frustrations, we are paving the way for those close to us to listen and understand us. Kindness gets your needs met.
TLDR: Lydia shares her cycles of emotions when going through a breakup and how she eventually bounce back with the support of loved ones, healthy distractions, and deep realizations.
I was heartbroken after my first break-up. I would like to share some things that helped me through the process and I hope that it will be useful for you!
Before getting attached I used to have many crushes but they never knew until I finally told them a long time after. I used to feel needy and wondered when I would ever find a boyfriend but I had high expectations and never really settled down.
After I became more passionate about Buddhism when I was in Year 4 of university I felt that I had more emotional stability. I had fewer cravings and felt that there were more meaningful things to life than looking for a partner.
Eventually, I fell in love and found a boyfriend. Impermanence then waged war on my relationship and we broke up.
Here are realisations that helped me through the breakup, I hope that they will be useful for those going through their share of breakups
1. I am still very loved!
Post break up I felt abandoned, rejected and feelings of guilt came up. I asked myself what I should have done better.
I was unable to accept that the person I loved chose to move on. Even knowing the teachings of impermanence, I could not believe and accept that his feelings for me had changed.
I think the most important thing that helped me through was support from family and friends. To remind myself that I am still very loved. To spend time with them and to purposefully distract me till I achieve mental stability to process the difficult perceptions of abandonment and rejection.
2. It’s okay!
It’s okay to be sad or depressed. I used to see crying as a sign of defeat or weakness.
I wanted to set a timeline for myself to heal, recover and move on, but I couldn’t. And it’s okay because creating a timeline for myself to move on added to the suffering.
There is a strong societal stigma pertaining to depression because it seems that the person is depressed out of their own choice.
But how can we forget that no one wants to suffer and we all want to be happy and peaceful?
While some aspects of managing depression are within our control, I think that we can be very helpless when strong emotions arise.
We can try to modify the aspects as much as we can such as avoiding triggers, distracting ourselves and not falling into habitual patterns of unwise decisions. But sometimes, we might still fail and become demoralised as a result.
Through this experience, I really feel much more compassion for people who have gone through depression. It is not just a clinical diagnosis but a difficult life situation, which might persist for a long time.
So, I tell myself it’s okay. It’s okay to still feel sad, it’s okay to feel needy and lonely. It’s okay to have thoughts of wanting to find someone to love you. It’s okay that I still don’t know how to love myself well. It’s really okay.
And this acceptance is loving kindness and compassion to oneself. I always struggle with loving kindness for myself, not knowing how to love myself. But this acceptance is the first step. Ajahn Brahm used to teach us, ‘Be kind, Be gentle and Make peace.’ His teachings have really helped me through this difficult period.
To open the door of your heart to whatever you are experiencing, and to sit tight and remind yourself that the storm will pass. Once you get used to the process, it is about bracing yourself and preparing for the storm too!
Another teaching that was useful is the analogy of the hand. If we put our hand in front of our face, it covers our whole world and our hand is the world.
But if we put our hand back to where it belongs, at the end of our arm, we can now see the whole world.
There was a time when the break up was the world to me. There was nothing I would think of except feelings of sadness and I felt so unmotivated to do anything at all. I could not see the love from my family and friends and I was so fixated on a love that I could not get.
I believe it was a lot of romanticising the good times and forgetting the difficult times. But if you deliberately remind yourself of the other things in your life, it reminds you of the blessings that you already have. And these blessings too, are impermanent.
Ajahn Brahm also taught that a relationship that ended is like a concert that ended. All concerts come to an end no matter how good it is, such is the nature of life.
3. Awareness of what you need
Post break up I was trying to act as if nothing happened. I was trying to continue my work and Dhamma commitments as much as possible, but it was a huge mistake.
What I needed was probably just to rest and to spend time with people I love.
There was a strong desire to reconnect with my previous boyfriend but every contact brought back difficult emotions. Yet I was still unable to let go.
Sometimes, our thoughts can feel very real and justified, although it might not be the best decision for us. This was probably my first experience with how we cannot fully trust our thoughts.
What helped me was that when the strong desire arose, I decided not to react or take action but I went for a jog instead.
After the jog, the compulsion to act was weaker, and I made a different decision. Even if you still decide to act in the same way after coming back to it, then so be it.
I can almost understand how obsessive people can be post-breakup. Although I was not obsessed to the extent of being a stalker, I could see many obsessive thoughts in me at one point in time.
Acknowledging that I needed rest and help is also important. To know that I am not in a good place now and hence to take a break from the commitments at hand.
I also realised that I needed to care for myself and to do things that made me happy.
Things that did help me were going to nature, especially going to the beach and listening to the waves was very therapeutic. Talking to family and friends or crying when you need to, listening to Dhamma talks, chanting and meditation and having adequate rest help.
In Summary
All in all, breakups suck! But Ajahn Brahm also teaches us that our life experiences are our kammic ingredients, whether good or bad. It is up to us what kind of kamma we make out of it.
Even with poor ingredients, we can still make a delicious meal. With our dog poo experiences, we can fertilise our mango tree, and it can be transformed into delicious mangoes!
And when we taste yummy mangoes, we are reminded of the dog poo in it. So when you see happy relationships, we must also remember to go – Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu, because who knows what kind of dog poo others have experienced?
Lastly, it will all pass, good or bad. And good, bad, who knows. Taking refuge in the triple gems and guarding my kamma and keeping myself close to the practice is probably what is most meaningful for me in this lifetime. That being said, a broken heart still takes time to heal. So be kind and patient with yourself and give yourself as much time as you need. Buddha bless!
Wise Steps:
Breakups suck, and acknowledging that sucky-ness is the first step to being in tune with your emotions.
Don’t believe all your thoughts! Such events can trigger different thoughts that might seem very real but actually aren’t real.
To know what you need and take part in activities that might help such as jogging, exercise, nature walks
