TLDR : An unsettling tram ride sparks a deep reflection on society’s treatment of mental illness and what we can do about it.
Editor’s note: This is an adapted article from Roberta’s blog of reflection and learnings.
The doors of the Sydney City Tram had just closed behind me when I heard the bellowing of an older man at the end of the carriage.
The man was stout, about 1.6m tall and had brown and grey speckled hair. His only belongings- a wheeled fabric shopping trolley.
At first glance, he looked unassuming and could easily have been just a regular rush hour commuter – Except for the fact he was bellowing at a younger man, who stood across from him on this packed tin can.
The poor younger man, probably in his early 30s was tall with clean-cut brown hair. He wore a brown linen blazer, a blue cotton t-shirt and trendy white sneakers. He held onto the straps of his rectangular tech backpack, trying to look down or away from the man.
You’re a bully!
“Why are you coming so close to me!!”, the old man yelled. “You’re a bully! How dare you come so close to me!”. He kept repeating the phrases (and other words that I dare not mention here).
It didn’t take long for us bystanders to realise that the older man lived in some delusional reality where the fellow commuter was an enemy and wanted to harm him. In reality, he had done nothing worthy of the attack from an old man on a tram.
He remained in the firing line for a long 2 minutes, until the tram finally pulled up at the next destination. Thankfully the old man (still pointing his finger and yelling at the young man), would disembark.
The relief
We all breathed a sigh of relief. Anyone could see that there was no calming the man or interjecting the situation without escalating his demeanour and the yelling.
When the doors closed, it felt like the entire carriage experienced a collective sigh of relief and broke into conversation. I’d find out from commuters who were sitting in the carriage before the young man had boarded, that two young girls were in the firing line of the old man earlier.
He had yelled the same claims (“Why are you so close to me! Stay away from me, you bully!”). The young man had been the unlucky recipient and casualty for the entire carriage.
The real victim
The more I heard, the more I realised that the real victim was the old man. Whatever his life experience so far, he was suffering and it was manifesting in screaming fits and strangers.
This moment arose karuna – the Buddhist practice of boundless compassion for all beings, especially those trapped in their own suffering. It breaks through our superficial view of people and sees their suffering underneath their hard exteriors.
Everyone was the enemy. Whatever had led to his mental condition, it was possibly amplified by loneliness and isolation, and as a society, we don’t have the ability or conviction to band together and help.
We sigh breaths of relief when we don’t have to face the presence of mental illness in our cities.
I won’t lie, in that moment, thinking about the gravity of the situation, I lost faith in our society and our ability to help the helpless.
The dominance of self-help and putting the onus on individuals to get better and “cure” themselves seems like a dangerous and ineffective way to treat people who actually need help.
I’m a huge proponent of personal development and honing the tools to enrich your life. However, most of the content is beneficial for the average population not affected by more severe mental conditions.
Not understanding but tolerating
We train doctors, lawyers, teachers, and specialists, and yet as a society we have become so transactional and indifferent to strangers, it often feels like people are simply checking off a box instead of providing genuine treatment plans and following up.
Following our personal convictions has been eclipsed by the idea of following the economic flow. This has led to more of us simply tolerating each other, rather than understanding each other.
How did we become like this and how can we continue the learning and connection well into adulthood and beyond?
Sitting here hours after the incident, I wonder where would this old man go in the evening – did he even have a home or was that wheeled bag carrying his life’s belongings? What had happened in his life, that anyone who came close to him was a “bully” or “trying to fight him”?
What would trigger the man to begin yelling at another fellow commuter at another time on another day? Would he ever get the treatment he needs to live his life without inflicting himself and others conflict and pain?
The young man, who had shown a supernatural level of resilience, made a comment which really stood out to me. “I’ve been hearing about a lot of these outbreaks recently. I can’t help but think it is a spiritual issue.”
The left behinds
A spiritual issue?
I’ve been thinking about this comment a lot this evening. The young man had elaborated to explain to the few of us remaining on the tram, that he believes there is a correlation with the polarisation from technology, isolation from covid, as well as the breakdown of religion in our society, which leave behind individuals who are isolated and traumatised.
They are relegated to cope with their traumas alone. He believed that the old man was dealing with personal demons in the best way he knew how. To fight with anyone who he saw as a threat or an oppressor to him personally – and clearly it did not take a lot for him to get triggered.
I’m well aware, that thinking about all of this well after the event, not having done anything in the moment is hypocritical. What am I doing to help the situation of helping create positive societal glue? How are we moving forward with the people who are so left behind and don’t have the resources or the networks to help them?
I think we need to be more compassionate about curious about each other.
I will do better, but we all need to do better too.
Wise Steps:
Practice mindful observation: Notice without judgment the behaviors and struggles of those around you.
Cultivate compassion: Recognize that everyone, even those who seem difficult, is fighting their own battles.
TLDR: It is important to speak up about taboo topics such as mental health conditions as representation is important. Rachel shares about how she resonated with Mingyur Rinpoche when he spoke about his own panic attacks.
A monk and his panic attacks
One of the most impactful monastic sharing took place during the second day of the 12th Global Conference on Buddhism. It was a conference that brought together Buddhist speakers and participants from across the world, that took place on the 16th and 17th December 2023.
It was there when I heard Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, who was born in Nepal, share about his panic attacks.
I have never before heard any person who was ordained share about their mental health problems in my 5 years of venturing into Buddhism, so it was particularly striking to me when he put out his moment of vulnerability on stage.
He opened his dhamma talk by sharing about how he learnt meditation from his father at the age of 9. The reason was due to his panic attacks.
Apparently, since the age of 7, he had been experiencing panic attacks, even though he didn’t know that was what they were called. He just had severe heart palpitations and went to see a whole host of doctors, all of them telling him he was alright.
“They are not good doctors!” he incredulously proclaimed, to the laughter of the entire hall.
He continually felt like he was having a heart attack, and one day, he went to the big city hospital in Kathmandu, the best in town, and the best doctor in town also told him that his heart was working perfectly fine.
“He was not a good doctor too!” he continued, to much mirth in the audience.
Finally, his mother figured out that he had a problem, and told him to get his father, himself a well-respected Buddhist teacher, to teach him how to meditate in an attempt to help with the panic attacks..
The very next day, he was surprised to find that his father approached him instead, (turns out his mom had encouraged his father to do so), and there began his journey in meditation.
Me and my panic attacks
I resonated with this story by Yongey Mingur Rinpoche because as a person who’s suffered from panic attacks after her breakup with her first girlfriend at the age of 31, I too kept going to the doctors at the various Accident and Emergency (A&E) units.
Both times they did an electrocardiogram (ECG), a simple and fast test to evaluate the functioning of the heart, and declared that I was alright and was not suffering from a cardiac arrest.
I unfortunately could not access Xanax (a fast-acting, potent tranquilliser that is a medication used to treat panic attacks and anxiety disorders) through A&E but got some from my psychiatrist later.
I felt helpless and hopeless in the face of my panic attacks.
Xanax was supposed to help with the immediate relief of symptoms of panic attacks and allows the patient to have feelings of calmness as it calms the body’s overactivity in a short span of time.
However, because the patient can develop an addiction to it, psychiatrists often only give the bare minimum before the next consultation.
The panic attacks always came unannounced and unanticipated. I would be in the middle of the work day and then would experience a sudden burst of heart palpitations and shortness of breath, and find myself unable to continue with the rest of the work day. It was debilitating and embarrassing.
After repeated visits to the psychiatrist, paired with skilled psychotherapy from a skilled therapist, together with time, my panic attacks eventually receded.
Unhelpful mental health advice
Once during a Dhamma sharing, a layperson told me to meditate when I have panic attacks instead of taking Xanax. Unfortunately, that was something I had tried to do but failed. I have been unable to sit down and be still in the middle of overwhelming anxiety.
I felt unable to articulate how I felt in the middle of this session, and felt as if I wasn’t being listened to. As my anxiety levels continued to rise when she continued dispensing advice, I decided to clam up about my experience.
It might seem counterintuitive to say, but dear reader, I was a beginner just stepping into Buddhism when the layperson gave me that advice to meditate when my heart was racing.
It was impossible then on a physical, psychological and spiritual level.
The reason is simple – I was not ready.
It took a long time for my body and my mind to settle—years in fact.
It took multiple sessions of therapy with trained and licensed therapists to help with the underlying issues that lay at the root of these panic attacks.
I am also grateful to my spiritual friendships created in the Medical Dhamma Circle where we met weekly for Dhamma sharings and conducted mini-meditation sessions of 5 minutes to 20 minutes in a safe space held by medical professionals.
This was helpful for me to learn that meditation did indeed reduce my general anxiety levels, and I began to incorporate it into my daily life using the Headspace app at first, and when that got too expensive, with a free app that Venerable Jue Wei developed and introduced to me.
One’s daily practice is important, because when it comes to the difficult times, that is precisely when the effects kick in.
It was really gratifying to hear from a dear Dhamma sister, who is trained as a nurse, when she shared that it made sense to not be able to meditate when one is highly distressed. I had, after all, tried to and failed.
It made an even bigger impact when Rinpoche shared that on stage.
Today, I no longer need Xanax, and like him, meditation has helped tremendously over the past 5 years of practising.
It may sound like a contradiction, but I suppose one has to have a stable physiology, with neither a racing heart nor a racing mind to be able to meditate. Xanax helped curb my panic attacks and gave me the clarity of mind to attend meditation classes.
A constant daily dose of a mood stabiliser, till this day, has ensured that my mind is calm and stable. Meditation is an additional layer that provides a constant grounding throughout my day, as my mental constitution is quieter and calmer. Both meditation and medication go hand-in-hand for me, and I am thankful for both.
But I can see the dilemma for the beginner meditator who is given advice contrary to standard medical advice as there is a huge resistance in spiritual communities sometimes toward external methods of calming the mind.
I am not sure how it works for others, but pairing both medication and meditation is what has worked for me.
Therefore, I realised that representation is so important. And talking openly about issues surrounding mental health-related conditions, especially when one is diagnosed, is so important.
The importance of representation
Earlier in a 1-day retreat led by Venerable Damcho, I made some new friends and was sharing with a Dhamma sister that I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for the past 13 years. I was just chatting about the memoir I wrote to help people navigate the mental health landscape in Singapore, when the most surprising thing happened.
She too shared about her condition.
I have come to observe over the years that it is vital to have ordinary people share their ordinary stories about their “taboo” conditions because that is precisely what gives people hope. And that’s exactly why I wrote my memoir.
In my earlier days as a member of a different religious group, I was told that one’s faith would make you well. “Go out and get some sunshine,” a religious leader once admonished. “Pray and believe,” he continued.
While I have no doubt that great faith can heal a person, sometimes it makes sense that medicine can be useful too.
In my half a decade attending weekly Dhamma talks and meditation lessons, it was only after hundreds of sessions before I encountered Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche’s sharing on panic attacks. With my Dhamma sister who had a similar mental health condition, I realised too, that because people in religious circles shy away from talking about this, that representation is truly very important.
Speaking up can help another feel less alone, whether you are the speaker of a dhamma talk, or just sharing your journey with a spiritual friend over a meal after a meditation class.
Similarly, today, even with a regular meditation practice. I am still medically compliant, taking one mood stabiliser every night as prescribed by my psychiatrist for my mood disorder.
I believe that science and faith can work well hand in hand.
We don’t have to choose one or the other, and doing so can unfortunately be very harmful to an individual who is diagnosed with mental health conditions.
Conclusion
I would like to thank Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche for his open and honest sharing. And I hope that going forward, more people will be brave enough to share their otherwise “taboo” stories in an effort to dispel stigma and also to give hope and light to those around them.
Explore the concept of self-care through the lens of Buddhism and discover a more meaningful approach to well-being.
Imagine that you have finished a hard, long day taking care of your daily responsibilities at work or at home. You have dinner, take a shower, and finally slump onto the couch. You want to relax and have some time for self-care. What to do next?
Chances are that we will instinctively grab the TV remote to catch some Netflix, play a cool computer game, or even grab a book off the shelf and curl under the covers with a nice cup of tea, letting our mind wander off into a new realm.
But is this brand of self-care really helpful?
The Birth of Self-Care
The term ‘self-care’ only entered the popular lexicon with force a few years ago, spurred by the increasing awareness of pandemic-induced burnout and mental fatigue.
The original intent of the self-care movement was mainly about adopting healthier habits such as eating healthy, exercising and sleeping well.
However, it gradually blurred a little with self-indulgence helped in part by companies eager to promote their products as being conducive to mental and physical well-being. People started having and proclaiming their self-care routines on social media and credited their enhanced mental well-being to these new activities.
While these activities definitely have their place in our lives, do they truly have any lasting effects on us?
Re-thinking Self Care with the Vesak Lens
On the occasion of this Vesak, perhaps it is time that we re-think the concept of self-care upon the invitation of the Buddha. In a modern interpretation of his teachings, we could say that the fundamental teaching of the Buddha is inherently connected to self-care.
However, this form of self-care isn’t selfish at all; rather, it offers a wonderful feeling of freedom with every step. How then can truly start caring about our well-being?
Correcting our view of what is truly important
“I have arrived, I am home. In the here, in the now. I am solid, I am free.” – Thich Nhat Hanh
We think anything that helps us to “produce more” is self-care. If only we had more energy, we could take on extra side projects, spend more time with our kids, or exercise more.
The list never ends! Our deep-seated need to keep reaching out for more leaves us feeling unfulfilled and unhappy. But why exactly do we keep wanting more when we already have plenty?
My answer is that we are brought up in a society governed by a constant sense of lack, not being good enough, and needing more.
We are always chasing the end of the rainbow without realising that this is not just a figure of speech but our actual reality!
It took immense courage and wisdom for the Buddha to see that society’s way of chasing the next thing was not the right path, and to take a chance on doing the exact opposite: stopping the desire for anything at all.
Instead of chasing the next goal relentlessly, however misguided it may be, we can consider not acting on every impulse to chase after the next shiny thing that catches our eye.
Staying right here, right now, no matter what
“When you want something more, you can’t enjoy what you already have.” – Ajahn Brahm
Ajahn Brahm often recounts the story of five children playing a wishing game, where the winner would be the one who made the best wish. The first kid says, “I want 10 computer games!” and thinks he is very smart.
However, the second kid beats this easily saying, “I want a computer game shop so I can have endless computer games!”. This is easily beaten again by the third kid who now wants $1 billion to buy a chain of computer game shops. In turn, the fourth kid easily surpasses this by wishing for 3 wishes, and that he can always wish for something more with his last wish. Beat that!
Now, the last kid, who has been observing this, says something unimaginable to the other kids: “I wish I were so content that I do not need any more wishes.”
In the traditional telling of this story, the fifth kid emerges as the winner of the wishing game, and he was actually the Buddha in one of his previous lives.
The kid had the wisdom to see that constantly desiring and shifting focus away from what one already has towards what one lacks is the root cause of unhappiness. To break free from unhappiness, one simply had to drop this tendency to look beyond oneself.
It sounds simple, but it actually represents one of the most important spiritual insights one can attain, signifying a radical shift from the way we have been operating for a long time.
It is with this realisation that we can now begin to imagine a future where we aren’t constantly buffeted by a nagging sense of insecurity, that somehow we need to do and achieve more to be accepted or to be loved.
All we need to do is to say “no” to our habits of wanting more, doing more, and simply recognising: “I have enough, I don’t need more to be happy.”
Imagine that since you were born, you’ve been constantly harassed by a prison guard who is unhappy whenever you attempt to rest and keeps whipping you as your head is about to touch the pillow.
But now, you finally found a way to keep the prison guard away from your room and your head finally hits the pillow. You finally have a good night’s sleep.
Re-setting our priorities
“Where does peace arise? Peace arises whenever we let something go.” – Ajahn Chah
I cannot stress enough how important it is that everyone tries to at least understand how this feels like. The power of letting be and not indulging our instincts to push and pull surpasses the pleasure born of any previous sensory delight or experience one might have had.
It cuts to the root of our unhappiness and directly undermines the power of the prison guard who does not allow us to experience any true joy. When we experience this very different, and much deeper sort of joy and peace, we would realise that what we experienced before was somehow lacking – they simply cannot compare.
It is like a person who’s only ever tasted apple-flavoured sweets, thinking that he knows the taste of apple, until he bites into an actual apple and finds out that the real apple has a far superior taste.
Such an experience is the proverbial snowball that starts the avalanche of learning how to repeat this joy of being kind and letting things be.
The good news is that developing such joy and peace is a skill that can be learned and cultivated. We can start small, with a genuine aspiration this Vesak Day, to learn more about this type of true peace, and begin seeking outother friends who understand this.
By hanging out more with them and seeing more examples of how others have embarked on their respective journeys towards true peace and self-care, we can start to make similar changes to our lives.
We can begin with a simple reminder to ourselves every morning: running away from ourselves and grasping onto things does not bring happiness while letting go brings peace and joy.
If we find time during the day for 5 or 10 minutes, we can sit and observe our heart, and end by reaffirming our commitment to experiencing letting go.
And when we see opportunities in daily life to let go a little, such as giving someone our time without asking for anything in return, or stepping aside so someone can go first, pursue those opportunities – they will bring you happiness and joy.
And sooner or later, we will discover that peace and happiness have become constant companions on our journey of life. Happy Vesak to everyone!
Wise steps:
Take a moment to evaluate if your self-care activities are truly beneficial in the long run.
Instead of constantly seeking new experiences, appreciate the present moment and find joy in simple things.
Connect with others who share similar values and seek support in your journey towards true self-care.
Welcome to the Handful of Leaves podcast. My name is Cheryl, and today we are back with another episode. I am here with Alvin, a friend who has experienced and struggled with drug addictions in the past. He’s here today to share a little bit more about his learnings, and his journey. He wanted to give back to society after seeing how the Dhamma really helped him in his journey.
[00:00:27] Alvin:
Hi, Cheryl. Hi, guys.
[00:00:29] Cheryl:
I’m very curious about how you started getting into drugs.
[00:00:34] Alvin:
So, an ex-friend actually introduced me to drugs. When we were in primary school, they told us to stay away from drugs, right? They told us we’d get hooked easily. I guess at that point, I was just curious. Oh, is it really true that a few puffs will really get us hooked? So I went ahead and tried it, which is a very bad idea.
[00:00:51] Cheryl:
Right. Curiosity killed the cat, but in this case, curiosity got you hooked. I see. And what happened after that?
[00:00:59] Alvin:
Your work, your health, your relationships friends, actually everything got affected. Because almost every moment I was thinking about drugs. In a way, deep down a part of me also feels guilty. I know this is wrong but, I just can’t help it. The addiction basically just takes over. To be honest, I broke all the precepts except for the first one, the killing of another human being.
Because I was using crystal meth, the whole time I was feeling like I was no different from an animal or maybe a ghost? Basically, I was always craving for drugs. It increases your sexual desire, you are impulsive, and you have frequent mood swings. Because I have a bit of anxiety, it actually increases the anxiety attacks.
[00:01:44] Cheryl:
I see. What was the turning point to get out of your addiction?
[00:01:48] Alvin:
I mean, I feel like I’m a being from the lower realm. When I look at my friends, I basically feel that something is actually wrong with me and I need to change. That is when I started to do my own research on the Dhamma and modern psychology to help myself get out of the addiction. Basically, abusers will glorify the highs you can get from the substance, and they don’t look at the negative effects on your mind and body.
I watched videos on human anatomy created by healthcare professionals, to watch what it does to your organs, your brain, everything. In that process, I listened to Dhamma teachings. I make the effort to go for meditation, sign up for retreats, speak to Bhantes, and share my problems with them. Going through all these Dhamma activities, I also made Dhamma friends. I also share my problems with them. All of them gave me advice and helped me.
And because of meditation, I looked inwards, and I realized that being in addiction, my behaviour, my thinking, everything was distorted. It’s really like beings from a lower realm. I must just keep making the effort to replace negative habits with refined habits and negative thoughts with refined thoughts.
[00:03:00] Cheryl:
That is actually very similar to what the Buddha said of Right Effort and Right Intention. The Buddha shared that essentially when you have wholesome, skillful states of mind, you make the effort to make it more abundant. If it has not yet arisen, you also plant the seeds so that it will arise. Then on the other side if it’s unwholesome things, if it has not arisen, you try to make sure that it doesn’t arise. But if it has already arisen, you make the effort to cut it, abandon it, and don’t indulge too much in it. That sounded very similar to what you shared as well.
Just in reference to what you said about feeling like a being from the hungry ghost realm, I think it’s a perfect simile because they are usually depicted as creatures with scrawny necks, and small mouths, and their limbs are very thin and very emaciated. At the same time, they have very large, bloated, empty bellies. In the domain of addiction, when we constantly seek something outside ourselves to curb that insatiable yearning for happiness, relief, or fulfillment, we will always feel empty inside because these substances, these objects, these pursuits, we hope that it will help us to be happy, but it will never give us the happiness that we need. And we will haunt our lives without ever being fully present.
[00:04:27] Alvin:
Like beings of the lower realm, there’s no way we can create merits because our views are distorted. Even though we think that we are doing something virtuous, actually it’s not.
[00:04:37] Cheryl:
Can you share an example?
[00:04:38] Alvin:
I have a friend who introduced me to drugs. After every session, he will share some so-called TCM with fellow drug users to help them to relieve the symptoms. He thinks that he is actually doing something virtuous to help people, but actually, he’s not.
You can’t blame him, but indirectly he’s actually giving people the wrong idea that you can actually remove the toxins from drugs using TCM after you use them. But they didn’t know actually crystal meth affects your brain immediately when you take them. So what he’s doing is actually relieving the symptoms after the drugs which actually doesn’t help to remove the damage to the brain.
[00:05:13] Cheryl:
Interesting. So he himself probably has that wrong belief as well, that it’s the right thing. And he goes on to perpetuate that. And I think that is the danger of not having Right View, right? When you don’t have Right View, you firmly believe that what you’re doing is actually going to give you happiness and you follow it. The result of that is obviously suffering to yourself and suffering to others as well. These are very painful consequences. Were there any relapses in your journey to recovery?
[00:05:44] Alvin:
If let’s say after you stopped using for three months, you suddenly go and take a puff, it’s considered a lapse and not a relapse. A lapse is just a slip. I have a few lapses here and there. If I remember it’s around maybe three. After every lapse, I will feel extremely guilty. Oh no, I actually took a puff. I’m such a terrible person. I thought I made the motivation to stay clean. How could I do something like that? After feeling guilty, I have to maybe look back and see what causes the slip. Is there anything I missed out? Maybe some context I didn’t delete or maybe the triggers. So after every lapse, if you make the effort to learn from it, it will prevent the next lapse from happening. It’s basically like riding a bicycle. If you fall, you get up and then you continue riding. If you fall and you just give up, then you won’t be able to ride a bicycle.
[00:06:33] Cheryl:
But what gave you the motivation to come back up again? It’s so tiring, right? You are literally fighting a battle that is very hard to win because it has already affected your neural connections. So what gave you that strong drive?
[00:06:46] Alvin:
I relate to beings of the lower realm, right? If I don’t want to get out of the addiction, I’ll always be a being of a lower realm. I’ll always be stuck there and the worst thing is in this life and in my future life. So yeah, that gave me the motivation. Also because I did some meditation, I have to be mindful that actually I’m fighting the defilements. It’s the defilement that keeps pulling me back. I stick a note on my wall to remind myself that thoughts are thoughts, memories are memories. Just come back to your breath. So whenever thoughts try to trigger me to pick up the substance. I just remind myself that, that’s not me. That’s just my past habit. So after a while, usually after a few minutes, the thought will go away. So you just have to keep fighting it.
[00:07:32] Cheryl:
You have to endure it within the few minutes when it comes on strongly. Alvin, I must really say that I really admire how much wisdom you have. This wisdom of seeing things clearly in the sense of seeing the drawbacks of being in this lower realm. First, you compare yourself with your friends, you’re lagging behind because of this addiction. Second, realizing the drawbacks of how rare this human birth is, but at the same time being stuck in the lower realm, traps you into not being able to do any goodness, any merits. With that wisdom, that really pushes you through all the difficulties, even though there were lapses in your process of learning how to ride the bike.
The Buddha shared the second of the Eightfold Path, which is the idea of Right Intention. Being firm on this idea of renunciation, letting go of ill-will, keeping yourself in goodwill, keeping yourselves in loving kindness. Being firm and resolved on the idea of harmlessness to yourself as well as harmlessness to other people. This is called right resolve or right intention in which you set your mind firmly to move on into more wholesome activities, more wholesome bodily actions as well.
[00:08:50] Alvin:
I’d also like to add that every time I go for Dhamma activities, the Bhante or the Luang Por will make us retake the Five Precepts. So every time I retake the five precepts, it reinforces the motivation to stay away from all these substances. Every time I go to these Dhamma events, I see my Dhamma friends there. I shared with them my addiction and they are like my safety net. So every time I meet up with them, they will ask me, how are you? Indirectly, they will check in on me. I also made promises to Ajahn and Luang Por. Every time they see me, they’ll also ask me. It gives you the additional protection. It’s quite helpful. Maybe those who are actually struggling with addiction can apply it to themselves.
[00:09:29] Cheryl:
Thank you so much for sharing. You’re very, very lucky to have this supportive community of spiritual friends and more importantly, spiritual teachers that you respect. When you make aspirations in front of people that you respect highly, I think you’ll take that more seriously as well. Your defilements will be a bit scared of it as well. And what are the biggest changes in your Dhamma practice in these two and a half years?
[00:09:55] Alvin:
I will say that my mindfulness has increased. I have more opportunities to create merits, go on retreat, and do things that truly benefit myself and other sentient beings. It’s a big gain. I will use a simile right now, I feel like I’m a human being. And I’d kind of go further into maybe Deva?
[00:10:13] Cheryl:
For all our listeners who have not heard of this term, Deva usually refers to the higher beings. It could be something like deities, angels, or beings of the higher realm that are in a way superior to the human realm. And I guess that is also the path, right? In a way, we start off as puthujjanas, which means that we are not really wise, we break the precepts, and we are a bit heedless here and there. And then as we do more goodness, we start to practice generosity, then that’s where we become kalyanajanas, meaning good people or good beings. Then as we continue on the path and practice, cultivate, and purify our minds, hopefully, we can be Ariya-puggalas, which basically refers to noble beings where our minds are purified as far as possible from the grasping of greed, hatred, and delusions. And Alvin, I just wonder, are you happy now?
[00:11:10] Alvin:
Basically, in the past, every weekend, long weekend was the time when I met my friends for drugs. But right now, I have the time to listen to teachings and really spend time with my loved ones. I feel that really benefits myself and other sentient beings. The happiness is different from the happiness you get from drugs. Drug-induced pleasure is basically short-lived, just for that few hours you feel good, but after that when the effect wears off, everything starts crashing down. Whereas the happiness I feel from creating merits, listening to teachings could last for up to a few days. So every time I do something good on Sunday, I listen to a teaching, and attend Dhamma activities, every time I recollect that memory, it actually brings out happiness.
[00:11:51] Cheryl:
It’s actually referring to merit arising. It’s the idea that when you perform meritorious deeds, you can constantly recollect to bring up joy in your mind as well. You can also recollect your merits in times of sadness or depression. You remember the good that you did and that joy can continue to sustain you. And this kind of joy is very different from the pleasures of drugs or even the pleasures of shopping. You go and shop or you’re going to eat good food after a while you’re like, I’m hungry again. I need the newest bag. I need another car. It’s unsustainable.
It’s very interesting because a lot of people don’t understand that this kind of craving is not sustainable and if you just look into material society, everyone is running around for the bigger paycheck, the next big thing to buy, the next thing to own. “Encircled by craving, people just hop around and around like a rabbit caught in a snare. Tied with all these fetters, all this attachment, you go on to suffer again and again for a long, long time.”(Dhammapada 342) And this is actually in one of the Suttas as well. Then the Buddha says, don’t be like that rabbit. “Anyone on the path should dispel that craving and should aspire to dispassion for this endless craving for oneself”.(Dhammapada 343)
What Buddhist teachings inspire you the most these days?
[00:13:17] Alvin:
I’d say the Four Noble Truths. From my own experience, I find the suffering of being addicted actually gives me the motivation to seek a path out of that suffering. In the process, when you look inward, you realize that the problem is not from the outside, but from the inside. So once we are able to fulfill our internal needs by looking inward and also relating to our own experience, then we realize that actually, the pleasures of the material world can only give us temporary happiness. It isn’t sustainable. Nowadays, I find that doing my meditation, it’s actually able to give me that happiness that material pleasures can’t fulfill.
[00:13:56] Cheryl:
I’m wondering what was it that you were craving that you hoped drugs were able to give you.
[00:14:03] Alvin:
It was the loneliness inside and also trying to find the quick and easy way out to fulfill the internal needs. Unfortunately, it could only make things worse.
[00:14:16] Cheryl:
Yeah, unfortunately, it just worsens and perpetuates your suffering, the very suffering that you wanted to run away from initially. Wow. That’s powerful. I’m very glad, that you also have the right conditions to go back to the Buddhist teachings. A lot of people, once they go into drugs as strong as crystal meth, it’s a one-way road down to deterioration and you’re able to still turn back.
[00:14:40] Alvin:
Yeah. Basically, that is also what I told myself because I keep asking myself, I have the condition, my life is actually good, and I don’t have any problems with my family, or my friends at work. Why am I doing this to destroy my own life? This gives me the motivation to want to stop the addiction. If you don’t have any meditation background, you can look for a teacher and learn meditation. When you start looking inward, you realize that we have the choice to change our future. So it’s actually really up to us. We can’t rely on external things to make us feel better.
[00:15:14] Cheryl:
You have to only rely on your own efforts, to persevere through and then you’re able to find inner happiness, but we’re also very lucky at the same time that we have the Buddha who taught the Dhamma and have a wonderful community of Sangha to show us how to practice well this path so that we only have to put in the effort to go through this practice.
And as you wrap up that chapter of your life, there were definitely some things that you have remorse for. How do you deal with that remorse and regrets of the past, the people that you’ve hurt, and perhaps even your loved ones?
[00:16:00] Alvin:
I just use the simile, it’s something that I did in my so-called past life. I can’t go back and change the past, but what I can do is I can change the present. So I just do well right now and I can create a better future for myself and the people around me.
[00:16:17] Cheryl:
Just focusing on the present. With the faith that what you’re doing in the present is good, the future will ripen with good seeds as well. In the Buddha’s time, there was this serial murderer, Angulimala who killed 99 people to get their fingers. Then the last one he wanted to kill was his mother. But the Buddha, out of his compassion, saw that Angulimala was going to do a very, very big offense. So he went there to try to stop Angulimala and Angulimala wanted to kill the Buddha instead. He’s like, huh? Okay. I don’t kill my mother. I kill the Buddha. But then of course the Buddha cannot be killed. So using his psychic powers he kind of floated away while Angulimala was trying to chase after him. Then after a while, Angulimala got really tired and he was like, Stop running, Buddha, please.I’m tired. Then the Buddha said, Oh, I have stopped for a long time.
In that passage, what he’s referring to is actually not about the running, it’s about the craving. He has stopped all these cravings for a very, very long time. Then of course, with the Buddha’s amazing ability to teach the Dhamma according to everyone’s conditionings, Angulimala became one of the Buddha’s disciples and eventually became an Arahant as well. He even made the blessing chant that after becoming the Buddha’s disciple, I had not killed anybody before. By the power of that truth, may this protect anyone who’s going through difficulties in giving birth or in labor. So it speaks to the potential of all of us regardless of what bad deeds we’ve done or whatever foolishness that we have committed in our past that there is hope to change ourselves as long as we put in the effort. As long as we are able to find the Dhamma which corrects our Right View and to walk on diligently, then we can attain to the Path.
And I guess addiction, there’s a lot of forms, right? Eating disorders, sexual addiction, porn, even video games, gambling, social media. What advice would you give to someone who is struggling with any form of addiction?
[00:18:30] Alvin:
I came across this quote that actually motivates me. Addiction is the only prison in the world where one holds the key. For someone who is in deep addiction, who wants to get out they might feel a bit helpless, it’s like, what do you mean I hold the key? It’s very difficult for me right now. Yeah. So actually I would encourage people to just get professional help if they really need it. It’s okay, it takes courage to admit that you have a problem. Get help if you really need it.
[00:18:56] Cheryl:
And I find it very interesting because, in your own journey of recovery, you actually didn’t seek professional help, right? You were kind of DIY, do it yourself. So it’s interesting that you gave the advice that it’s okay to look for help. Why do you give this advice?
[00:19:13] Alvin:
Although I didn’t get professional help, I did talk to Ajahn. It took me quite a while to get out of that remorse state. We can expect everybody to use the Dhamma to help them. Some people might need professional help. So there’s no one-size-fits-all method for everybody.
[00:19:29] Cheryl:
You have to find what is suitable for you at that point in time. And at different times, you will require different things as well. Yes. You were saying it took you quite a while to get out of that remorse state. But eventually, in retrospect, what you realize is that… There’s no point in clinging to the past and the present and the future is more important. Okay. What was the turning point, which gave you that aha moment?
[00:19:58] Alvin:
I heard this teaching from Luang Por. Every time we recollect something virtuous,it’s like we are doing that virtuous action again. Similarly, if we keep thinking about the negative things we do, we are actually indirectly doing that negative action again. So I have to tell myself whatever is done is done, just move on. If I really want to benefit myself and all sentient beings, I have to move on.
[00:20:21] Cheryl:
That is very powerful. I really love that. Thanks for sharing. Amazing. Is there any last thing that you want to share from your experience with struggling with drug addiction?
[00:20:32] Alvin:
There’s this method which I find quite helpful. Perhaps you can use something of higher value to overcome the addiction. So something that fits your principles and your personal values. In the past, I’ve always wanted to be a fitness instructor. So actually I also make use of fitness, like going to the gym, taking out new sports to overcome the addiction, and using that drive to help me get out of the addiction and also to pursue my dreams.
[00:20:59] Cheryl:
What if someone doesn’t have any other value and the value is just seeking happiness? Drugs give me the highest happiness, they can say.
[00:21:07] Alvin:
It’s still a form of wanting to seek happiness. To me, it’s still a value. You could actually replace that addiction with something positive. Get a friend to help you to try something different, learn a new hobby, et cetera. Then you can compare and contrast. To see that actually, there’s something that could be even a higher form of happiness compared to the substance I’m attached to. Just try to take the first step.
[00:21:31] Cheryl:
Yes. The first step might sound extremely scary, and difficult. But always know that there are alternatives to the drugs that you’re taking which harm your body in very severe ways and there are other ways to obtain happiness that actually continues to contribute to your long-term happiness as well. That could be a better option as well. And I’m actually very curious. You say that you have already cut off the friends who did drugs with you, I guess the dealer as well. Have you forgiven them?
[00:22:04] Alvin:
To be frank, for a period of time, I was blaming them. But I realized that actually I also have a part to play. So just see everything as due to causes and conditions. So just move on. Cause if you keep dwelling, having anger towards them, then you’re actually still trapping yourself in the past.Just have compassion for them as well, because they don’t have the Right View. They don’t have the merits to encounter the Buddha’s teaching. That’s why they are actually doing something that they think is right, but actually it’s wrong. In the future, they have to bear the consequences of their actions as well. So they deserve compassion and empathy more than anger.
[00:22:43] Cheryl:
That’s very wise words as well, because at the end of the day, no matter how people manifest in their actions, no matter how evil, how selfish, or how unpleasant it is, everyone is really just seeking happiness in the ways that they know how. It’s unfortunate that people sometimes seek this happiness through ways that cause them more harm because Kamma is the action and intention and the results of this action and intention will always be by your side. You will always be related to this Kamma. You always be associated with this Kamma. You always be with this Kamma. Whether it’s good or bad, you have to bear its results. So in a way, you’re right, they deserve compassion a lot more than they deserve anger. It’s very, very wise of you and very compassionate of you to be able to notice that, and I rejoice with your wisdom.
We’ve come to the end of this episode. Thank you so much for sharing on a topic that not many have experienced, but yet also relating to. I guess that’s the humanness of all of us, the suffering that all of us share together in wanting to be happy, and trying to find the best ways to be happy as well.
To our listeners, I hope you’ve learned a thing or two and you’re able to apply some of these gems of wisdom and compassion in your own lives. If you enjoyed this episode, please give us a five-star rating on Spotify and share this with your friends. Until the next episode, stay happy and wise.
Resources:
Special thanks to our sponsors:
Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña, Shuo Mei, Arif, Bernice, Wee Teck, Andrew Yam, Kan Rong Hui, Wei Li Quek, Shirley Shen, Ezra, Joanne Chan, Hsien Li Siaw, Gillian Ang, Wang Shiow Mei.
Editor and transcriber of this episode: Cheryl Cheah, Susara Ng, Ke Hui Tee
Welcome to the Handful of Leaves podcasts. Today’s episode is very interesting because we will be talking about Buddhist leaders and mental illness. The aim of this podcast today is to shed light on the challenges and lived experiences of our friends with mental illness, especially on the unique challenges faced as leaders in the Buddhist scene.
Today we have a guest who will bring in a very unique perspective to this topic as she has personally navigated mental illness while also holding leadership roles. So let’s welcome Sister Ching Wi.
[00:00:35] Sis Ching Wi:
Hi everyone. Hi Cheryl. Thanks for having me.
[00:00:38] Cheryl:
Hi. Sister Ching Wi is a social worker with Aranya Sangha Dana Fellowship, a nonprofit that helps Buddhist monks and nuns, especially those living in the community. She’s also a facilitator who designed the Life Story Workshop for seniors and graduated from the London School of Economics and the National University of Singapore.
Can you share more about your personal journey with mental illness and how it has intersected with your leadership or volunteering roles?
[00:01:07] Sis Ching Wi:
Hi, Cheryl. I’ve been a social worker and because I benefited a lot from practicing the Dhamma, so I also try and serve the Buddhist community in any way that I can. This is actually the 10th year of my depression. It’s a very, very long journey. It started with me taking a break from work, I was just doing nothing. I happily thought that I was just going on a holiday, but then I didn’t realize that not doing anything made me have a lot of time to ruminate. Then I found myself starting to worry. You’re so used to working every month and seeing the paycheck in your bank account. So, these worries become bigger and bigger worries.
And then lo and behold, I was just spending my days on the sofa watching TV. It got so bad that even when I had to go to the toilet, I just couldn’t get out of the sofa at all. I just felt like it was so difficult to move my body. Sometimes people say, your body feels as heavy as a mountain, it really felt like that. I really had to force myself. So every day it’s very tiring mentally because it’s not like I’m just sitting there stoning away. My mind was super hyperactive. I couldn’t take care of myself. And I really had to force myself. But I still tell myself, okay, maybe being a social worker, this is just burnout. You just need to rest more.
So it went on for a few weeks and then one day I was just standing at my window.Suddenly I just caught myself thinking,most of us live in HDB Flats, when I looked down, suddenly the thought came, “Oh, actually it’s very easy to just drop down.”Then the next thought was, so how do you do that?Well, I guess I can push myself off my ledge and then I lose balance and I fall, or I can maybe just find a stool or a chair and step on it.Finding a chair will be easier. My chair is in the kitchen, so I turned and I walked towards the kitchen.
[00:02:54] Cheryl:
It was quite a serious thought in the sense that there was the intention of executing it as well.
[00:03:00] Sis Ching Wi:
There was even a plan. So after a few steps of walking into the kitchen, I realized that it was a suicidal thought. So that’s when I figured, okay, I can’t do this on my own. I went to see a psychiatrist and a counselor at the same time. And I started my healing journey from then on. But it wasn’t smooth at all because of my personality of being a perfectionist and a workaholic and all that, I would ask a psychiatrist, okay, so how long will I take this medication before I’m up again? Should we give it three months?
[00:03:30] Cheryl:
It almost seems naive like you’re thinking three months, but actually now in retrospect, it takes 10 years.
[00:03:36] Sis Ching Wi:
Exactly right. A good way of understanding depression, I like the model of BPSS, which is biological, physical, and psychosocial. I like this model because the focus is not just on taking medication and getting better, but I also have to look into the psychological aspects and social aspects. This helped me a lot. I had to figure out how to manage stress.
This is where mindfulness comes in and as a Buddhist already meditating, not a lot, but enough to help myself a little bit. It really made me see how I have some unhealthy thought patterns being a perfectionist. It came from wanting to do the best that I can. It’s fine to do the best that you can, but you’re not a machine. Where did doing the best that I can come from? So it gave me a chance to really investigate. It came from a sense of being responsible. Again, being responsible is a very good virtue, but to balance it, to be healthy, you must know how to draw boundaries.
You must have the wisdom of knowing at what stage I have fulfilled my responsibility, when I should let go and not blindly be responsible 100% all the way. In these 10 years, I had a chance to really look at my thought patterns, my mental habits, trial and error and figure out. It’s like moving into OS 2.0 from OS 1.0 that totally failed. And along the way it’s 1.2, 1.3. So it’s not just about curing my chemical imbalance in my head, about managing my emotions, taking good care of myself in terms of health, but also really examining, throwing away what doesn’t work for me in terms of my thought patterns and adopting and practicing good mental habits.
[00:05:35] Cheryl:
Almost like the mental hygiene, cleaning up the unhealthy ones, learning and relearning. Like you mentioned, you don’t get it right the first time. It’s like 1.1, version 1.2.
[00:05:44] Sis Ching Wi:
In a fun way I tell myself, okay, so now this is a game of how many times do you want to continue to run into the wall? Because I would have high expectations of myself to get better. Okay, the medication is working. So now, I’m eating better. Maybe in two months’ time, I can take on more work. Actually, I have experienced, whether I wanted it or not, different ways of letting go. And I think this is so precious as a Buddhist. It’s very easy to say, I want to let go of my troubles.
[00:06:15] Cheryl:
But how do you do it exactly. Yeah. So let’s delve into that a little bit deeper, it’s almost as though there are a lot of conflicting parts of your personality, because there is the part of perfectionism wanting to get everything right. But on the other hand, when you are facing a depressive episode, you will be on the side where you can’t even move yourself to do the most basic things like going to the toilet. When you’re a leader, all of these tendencies would come into play. So, how has it intersected for you personally, between having this mental illness with your leadership?
[00:06:49] Sis Ching Wi:
There are a few layers. It’s my inner work, and then of course, working with the team or the project. I remember right at the beginning I would get overwhelmed to the extent of not showing up. And this is so out of character, right? I try so hard. I just couldn’t. It’s a combination of dread, being very scared, being very weak. Basically, I just couldn’t get out of the house. And then I will look at the time, the meeting has started and I’ll be missing it. And then after that, I’ll feel so bad. The guilt, the shame and I eventually retreated to just not showing up at all, not answering phone calls. As long as my handphone has battery and there’s a blinking light, when I see the blinking light, I will break into cold sweat. So I just want the battery to be off. I was just like isolating myself.
But then I still continue to feel bad actively, because I know, tomorrow there’s this thing, and three days’ time there’s this thing and all that. But of course, friends and fellow workers, everyone was very understanding and people got really, really worried. And then I know people will get worried and that set me off into another spiral. Of course, in the midst of all these, friends couldn’t get hold of me. They started contacting my husband, my sisters and close friends. Then, people knew that I had depression.
[00:08:03] Cheryl:
So at that point, it was not public information yet.
[00:08:05] Sis Ching Wi:
Yeah, it wasn’t. Then people started passing messages back, to send me loving kindness, tell me not to worry. It made me more relieved. So I told the psychiatrist, you know what I discovered? When I went off the radar, the world did not collapse.
[00:08:20] Cheryl:
Wow.
[00:08:21] Sis Ching Wi:
And after I said that, I felt so relieved. I felt so relieved. So it’s not that I’m so egotistical, like the world revolves around me. But I was feeling so bad and I think I must have been beating myself up for so long, for not being able to perform all my duties.
So this term of being a leader, well, I guess you take on more responsibility. Part of the responsibility, at least for me, I always try to be hands-on. So then there’s this added responsibility of letting more people down. That was horrendous. Yeah.
[00:08:52] Cheryl:
Yeah. I think a lot of times leaders, especially in the Buddhist scene as well, people define leadership as basically being the person that is doing everything, doing the most. That can sometimes be a very heavy burden to lift, especially if you are already going through a very difficult moment in your life. But what you just shared is very powerful in the sense that sometimes leadership can be viewed as a shared responsibility amongst the communities, not just on your own shoulders. You are there, but also there are people supporting you there.
[00:09:30] Sis Ching Wi:
Definitely. In fact, I was already very blessed. One of my biggest takeaways was, thank goodness I didn’t have to do a lot of hands-on. So it wasn’t like I was the one who had the key to the Dhamma center, and then because I wasn’t there that night, people couldn’t attend the Dhamma talk. So it’s more at the planning level and all that. If we communicated enough and if we do proper planning, so what if somebody is down? The team just goes on and work gets done.
It really brought in the point that no one is indispensable. The leader must immediately think about leadership succession. It’s like day one of anything that you do,this notion of letting go is extremely important. It’s not just letting go of the duties. It’s not about being irresponsible, but it’s about can we find someone to shadow you? Can we work as a pair? Can we work as a team? And then somebody else can learn, the newer ones can learn, and the senior ones, can work themselves out of a job and go to the mountain and meditate.
[00:10:36] Cheryl:
So I’m curious, how do you juggle between a sense of responsibility versus a sense of shared community?
[00:10:44] Sis Ching Wi:
I think it’s mostly in our mental attitude. The responsibility and the job scope, you have to fulfill. But how can I try to be mindful of my attachment to the task at hand? If I’ve done it, I’ve done it. I don’t need to go back and be a perfectionist and ruminate. Can I let that go? Okay, I can. It’s an exercise in letting go. If this organization that I volunteer in or this project that I do, if we cannot achieve the objectives, then how? So, I’ve developed this habit of anticipating impermanence. There will be changes. And just being very clear to myself, okay what can I accept? Is there anything else that I can do?And that’s it.
I’ve gone through a rehearsal in my mind of the possible disasters. And when things happen I’m not caught off guard. In these rehearsals, it’s a chance for me to contemplate, how much do I personally, selfishly want this or am I seeing it too narrowly?
[00:11:39] Cheryl:
Yeah, that’s very wonderful. Thanks for sharing your reflections on this. What I take away is if someone is a leader who is struggling with mental illness, first is having that kind of self-awareness that this is my bandwidth, this is my capacity. And contrary to our ideas of taking on the whole world, on your shoulders, you can also understand that these are your boundaries. These are what you’re capable of and plan for how you can share these responsibilities. How can you give other people maybe an earlier heads up as well, so then you don’t have to feel so burdened by everything.
Then the second piece is that, where you’re possibly responsible for the task at hand, do your best and try to let go of whatever outcomes if you have already done your best and be at peace with whether the thing turns out good or bad knowing that you have already given it your all.
[00:12:33] Sis Ching Wi:
Thank you for the summary. I think a very important point comes to mind and that is the sense of ownership. I am not saying that I’m doing it fantastically well, but I know that it’s always important and I always try to do it right. If the sense of ownership is truly felt by most of us in the team, then it’s an organic thing. If the leader is out of action, everyone still has a shared vision, everyone still knows where we are going. So it becomes co-creation. It means that everyone brings in what is it that they want rather than it’s just a vision or goal by one or two people. Along the way, more or less we will achieve our outcome, especially being Singaporeans.
But the process is so important, whether we learn and we grow, whether we help each other to be more mindful, whether we are supportive of each other’s emotions. When you have disagreements and when people get hurt, do we as a team want to talk about it? It’s a way of supporting each other. The process is so important, especially if we are looking at voluntary projects, even if you’re paid nothing. I think a lot of times the stress comes from people misunderstanding us, miscommunication, not being able to share our passion, and not being able to contribute. So all this is about just the process of how can we help each other to achieve our own individual objectives as well as our collective team objectives.
[00:14:06] Cheryl:
And I think when individual contributors on the team are empowered, then that’s where we see more proactivity as well. That’s how the team grows in a more positive direction as well. With all the challenges you mentioned just now, how has that shaped your perspective on leadership? Do you find that it influenced the way you approach any positions that you hold?
[00:14:31] Sis Ching Wi:
Oh, definitely. The biggest lesson is in empathizing and respecting people I work with. Most people wouldn’t tell you they have had a hard day. They’re dealing with whatever that is happening in their lives. Most people are just responsible and they just wanna give their best.
So if we are not sensitive enough to catch people, these are the small little things, but extremely important things that we can do right by just checking in on people, making it a point to really get to know the people I work with. If there’s a change in their behavior or their energy, I can sense it. And developing a real relationship, just being authentic about it. We allow each other to offer support and even to take care of each other. That’s a huge thing that I’ve learned.
[00:15:20] Cheryl:
It seems that it empowered you to really be more compassionate to the people around you, especially in terms of building that personal, genuine relationship, seeing them as humans rather than just a person to get something done.
I’m also reflecting on the four Brahmavihārās that the Buddha taught us. One is loving kindness where you spread unconditional loving kindness to the people around us whom we are working with. Secondly, it is to have that sense of compassion to want to reduce their suffering.
I think these two things, in particular, are quite neglected sometimes when we are in the rush of getting projects done perfectly, or by a certain deadline. Sometimes we can forget these two pieces. It’s so important to always anchor ourselves that the person in front of us here is a human being, and we should wish for their happiness and to reduce their suffering as well.
[00:16:16] Sis Ching Wi:
Yeah. One point that I really wanna share is that the very basics of practicing Buddhism is to avoid wrongdoings, do good and purify our mind. So this notion of doing good, I used to not be able to understand. In Chinese Mahayana there is this 普贤菩萨十大行原品. It’s Samantabhadra Bodhisattva’s Ten Great Action Vows. One of it is 恒顺众生. It literally means to serve and to support all sentient beings, to help them as much as possible.
So then now that I think about doing good, in the course of us having the responsibility to get the job done, we have limited time. Sometimes we feel that it’s not so important to ask how everyone is feeling. Or if somebody doesn’t know how to be the administrator of Zoom, instead of taking the time to teach, you find somebody else who can.
But then if we were to look into doing good, if I take a bit of time to teach this person, then this person would learn something. This is such an important skill and this person can do a lot more, not just for the project or for the organization, but for his or her life. So it is about enabling and empowering people. So I’ll get smart next time. When I am planning the next project, let’s plan in time. Let’s plan this in as a task, so that we have the bandwidth. A project is a project, but you can build in small little tasks and goals along the way that we all can practice, we all can help each other to grow.
[00:17:56] Cheryl:
I really love that.
[00:17:58] Sis Ching Wi:
Yes, do good.
[00:17:59] Cheryl:
Yes. And it’s almost like if you set your mind on doing good, you’re intent on it, you would be able to find ways. You’re so smart in incorporating that into the project plan, empower this person, teach this person, put that as part of the to-do list. It’s so beautiful because then you are also helping another person. We help to nurture them to their highest potential and that creates a whole ripple of positive effects onto the community. Thanks for sharing.
[00:18:27] Sis Ching Wi:
Welcome, Cheryl. I really invite everyone to just try one small little initiative like that and when the project is done, everyone’s heart is closer to each other because I’m also rejoicing and celebrating your success. Not just in the final step of that project. Along the way the logistics person has to do this, the marketing person has to do that, but then I know I was journeying with you a lot more. So all the interconnection and all the rejoicing, it’s so beautiful. So please try it. Everyone just try it.
[00:18:58] Cheryl:
Yes. Let’s try doing that. For all the leaders who are listening here, try to intentionally put in an action step that you could do to help enable another person to learn to grow or to be nurtured. You mentioned rejoice as well, and I thought is so appropriate that rejoicing is the third Brahmavihārā . I shared the first two just now. The first being loving kindness. The second being compassion to reduce people’s suffering. And the third one is to rejoice to feel appreciation for other people’s success, joy and growth. The fourth one is the idea of equanimity. If everything fails, we practice that sense of equanimity, to see things as it is, that it is what it is. That’s the Four Brahmavihārās as well.
[00:19:41] Sis Ching Wi:
You frame my sharing in such a way that I think it comes across as so smart.
[00:19:45] Cheryl:
What you share is very valuable.
[00:19:48] Sis Ching Wi:
I think a lot of times equanimity, we related to letting go. The way that I eventually come to experience it is dynamic. It is not dead silence. It’s a dynamic process, there is also a timeline involved. There’s a duration involved. So equanimity as a state of mind, I can be mini equanimous and I can be super zen-out equanimous.
[00:20:14] Cheryl:
It is like a spectrum.
[00:20:15] Sis Ching Wi:
It is a spectrum. Earlier on I was talking to my husband and I said, I have to practice mindfulness to literally save my life because I need to catch all these illogical suicidal thoughts when they come up. It is quite similar to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. When your eyes see something, it goes into your brain. It will be linked to a certain thought or a certain memory. Then, you will create a story in your head. And when the story is created, it seems so real. Sometimes certain feelings will come up and you may even want to do something about it.
Let’s say someone may see my very short hairstyle, which is my lack of mindfulness in communicating with the hairdresser. Somebody may think, I also want to have that hairstyle, maybe next time I can go and get that hairstyle. So from seeing me, you develop thinking,
[00:21:03] Cheryl:
…proliferations.
[00:21:04] Sis Ching Wi:
Yes. It may even lead to emotions and actions, I like this, or I don’t like this, and I wanna do something about it. So back to mindfulness and being equanimous. I realized that I have to be mindful and I have to manage myself in such a way that I don’t become too crazy high and I don’t become too depressingly low. For me, this is kind of like being equanimous. I just have to stay within a range of emotions. And in order to do that, I have to constantly be mindful. Then I realized that actually, this is a very good skill to have as I go about life, when I’m stressed, when I am in a hurry. I found my zone, I have to just keep on practicing to be in that zone. As a result, I’m more grounded, my mind is clearer. Whatever work I do, I can just be more attuned. I have more space to observe people, to be more considerate of how they are doing, to pick up if they are feeling low, things like that. This is my own interpretation and working model of equanimity. This is how I apply and I understand the Four Brahmavihārās.
[00:22:13] Cheryl:
Can you share what are some practical trainings or reflections that you do to help keep you within that healthy boundary?
[00:22:23] Sis Ching Wi:
Being a workaholic and a perfectionist, I had to try very hard to convince myself that I have to take it easy. After convincing myself to take it easy, I have to put it into an action plan.
[00:22:34] Cheryl:
The take-it-easy action plan.
[00:22:38] Sis Ching Wi:
Oxymoron. So how many percent of your action plan have you completed in taking it easy? Yeah. I’ve learned to just tell myself it’s okay that I don’t get it right all the time. Finally, I think what worked was to have a sense of fun and adventure. Let’s treat it as a game. If I can catch a negative thought, yay! What do I reward myself with? So there are a lot of constant opportunities to reframe and to practice self-compassion. When I decided to see this as a fun thing, I finally took off. I finally started to really incorporate a lot in my life. Yeah.
[00:23:16] Cheryl:
So in the Take it Easy action plan, there are some guidelines if anyone wants to build up their own action plan. Reframe. So if your habitual tendency is to get angry, allow yourself to think of alternative ways about this. What can I do other than get angry? What are some other things that I can put in instead?
Second is to make it fun. Try to catch yourself. Try to notice how many times you have a negative thought or how many times you go into unhealthy coping behaviors. And third is to practice self-compassion. Occasionally indulge in a healthy amount of potato chips or whatever else, not indulge until you get a stomachache. But get some form of harmless fun to your life.
[00:23:56] Sis Ching Wi:
Along the way, I think small little victories, I celebrate. Neuroscience theories will tell you, if you celebrate, you’re developing your neural pathway, you are growing it. So if I pay attention to good things, then the good neural pathways will grow. If I pay attention to bad things, then I’m just sabotaging myself. So then celebrating becomes very important to seal it in. I went on this whole spiel about, look, you’re a responsible person. You are Buddhist, so you don’t celebrate in an indulgent way. Don’t be so frivolous and all that. Hey, wait a minute. Oh yeah, hey, I caught it! In this ongoing process, I’ve also gotten to know myself a lot better.
I’ve also gotten to see my ego. We all have this vanity, of wanting to present the best of ourselves. After I try this and that, and bang my head against the wall, there comes a point where I go like, oh, I forget it. This is just too tiring. I just let go. So I keep letting go, I don’t care how people think of me anymore. This is a healthy kind of adjustment. The whole idea is you become more and more relaxed. You wanna take it easy. Eventually, I got somewhere after years, and When I saw people behaving in a certain way that I used to behave, that empathy and compassion came out. But then I quickly remind myself, Hey, remember you’re a social worker, it means that there’s a tendency for you to not respect your own boundary and go and help save the whole world. Right? Anyway, these thoughts we’ll always have in our heads, but we don’t have to entertain them. But then I’m able to see people struggling, and it just makes it so much easier to connect. The empathy of just wishing somebody well, just smiling at that person.
I will admit that it’s really not easy, just bravely seeing yourself for who you are, but it results in a lot of beautiful things in my life now for myself and for people around me. So it’s totally worth it. I’m sure even for friends listening who are not diagnosed with depression. All of us have got bad days and all that. But just keep on working on ourselves. It will come to a stage where we become better and when we are better, we become more attuned to people around us and we can start to help people around us. Then it just becomes a cycle that goes on and on. Yeah.
[00:26:03] Cheryl:
And like Thich Nhat Hanh always says, the more we are in touch with our own suffering, then the more we can be in touch with other people’s suffering. That’s where true compassion can spring up. Because we understand it for ourselves, we truly know how unpleasant it is. When we touch the core of it, then we are also able to see it in everyone. And in that sense, we see, despite our colors, our perspectives, our views, underlying all of these things, we are one and the same in terms of our quest for happiness, our quest to be free from suffering in our own ways.
[00:26:41] Sis Ching Wi:
So beautifully said.
[00:26:45] Cheryl:
And Sis Ching Wi, I really want to thank you for coming on this show. It’s very brave of you because there are a lot of people out there suffering from diagnosed mental illness or even mental illness to a lesser degree, but still struggling. And I think that by you coming up here today to speak, you’re also speaking for all of them and of course everyone else who’s keen to understand a little bit more. Would there be one message or word of encouragement that you would like to share with the people who may be listening and struggling silently?
[00:27:18] Sis Ching Wi:
For all of us who are struggling, just keep trying. Even if it’s just about managing to get a glass of water for yourself. It’s not about always having progress all the time or to achieve big milestones. As long as we don’t give up, we are trying, as long as we are breathing, we are trying. So as long as I just tell myself I will keep trying, that’s it. That’s my project.
I would like to invite everyone out there, be it you are a leader or team member, to see if we can hold space for each other. Very simply put, if you can see that somebody is struggling, then there are some little acts of kindness that we can do. Holding space also means, if we see some toxic behavior, then we should call it out. If a leader is too demanding, then can we communicate more with each other so that at the end of the day, we don’t end up creating more harm to each other as an operating principle. And I’m sure there’s a lot of different context and all that. So calling out toxic behavior may be the more intense kind of action. But if we see it as a spectrum, if we see unkindness, are there ways that we can try again and do it in a different way?
If we can all try and put this at the back of our mind, to always hold space for each other and to always make sure that we take care of each other, just as how you want to take care of yourself, this will have a very good outcome for ourselves and for people around us.
[00:28:55] Cheryl:
And like the Buddha said in the Karaniyametta Sutta, like a mother loving their only child, that’s how you should cherish other people as well and view them as precious or treat them with that form of kindness and gentleness. Thank you so much, Sister Ching Wi.
And for all of our listeners here, I hope you enjoyed listening to our conversation. If you like this podcast, please like, give us five stars and stay happy and wise. See you in the next episode. Thank you.
Resources:
Special thanks to our sponsors:
Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña, Shuo Mei, Arif, Bernice, Wee Teck, Andrew Yam, Kan Rong Hui, Wei Li Quek, Shirley Shen, Ezra, Joanne Chan, Hsien Li Siaw, Gillian Ang, Wang Shiow Mei.
Editor and transcriber of this episode: Cheryl Cheah, Susara Ng, Ke Hui Tee
