Editor’s note: This is an adapted article in collaboration with Ro. Check out Roberta’s blog on reflection and learning.
TLDR: After living independently for over a decade, moving back in with my parents has presented various challenges. Here’s how I approached that move with a different mindset.
When I was 18, I moved out of my parent’s home. Over the last decade (14 years to be exact), I lived with housemates in multiple apartments, moved into my flat and eventually moved abroad.
I flew over to a solo condo in Singapore, spending the height of COVID alone, before coming back to Sydney to settle in Pyrmont for the past few years. Last month my husband and I decided to move back in with my parents.
If you would have asked my 20-year-old self whether I would ever let this happen, you’d hear a resounding and defiant “Hell No”.
Listen, I love my parents and always made time for family dinners throughout my independence, but living under the same roof again? With the thought of someone else’s house rules and preconceptions about what I could freely do? No, Thanks.
So what changed? I guess everything and nothing. It’s amazing how if you let it, your relationship with your parents evolves and the power imbalance, well balanced.
As I’ve grown older and experienced more adult obstacles in the real world, I’ve found we’ve been able to communicate better and actually cherish the time we have together, as opposed to feeling suppressed by their well-meaning parental opinions.
Taking a leaf from Buddha on communication helps. The Buddha talks about how we can still speak to someone even when the topic is difficult.
In AN 5.198, he shares that right speech has 5 qualities “It is spoken at the right time. It is spoken in truth. It is spoken affectionately. It is spoken beneficially. It is spoken with a mind of goodwill.”
My parents welcomed us into their home selflessly which allowed us to build a stronger future by saving on rent, bills and groceries. In this time of major transition, I couldn’t be more grateful and happy that they would have us.
Friends ask me, how I’m “coping” with moving back in with my parents. They say they could never.
Now, I totally resonate. But truthfully, when I hear people sharing that sentiment, I feel sad that they are not opening themselves up to an evolution in the relationship with their parents.
Since I moved in, I’ve been able to sit and have breakfasts with my mom, have home-cooked dinners with my dad, and be close to my family while we lost our beloved grandma. Now we’re currently together as we watch my grandfather’s health deteriorate.
None of these little moments had a chance to manifest when I lived away from home. I’d come to visit once or twice a month if life would allow, and I would not know about the happenings with extended family, much less be able to check in (like, really check-in) with my parents.
I think now, about how many little moments I missed my parents being human and going through their own life struggles. How many tech issues I could have easily helped with, had I been around? How many moments have we missed not having this exposure to each other?
Ultimately, how much Dukkha they faced when I was not with them. That arises compassion and understanding within the heart.
“Sabbe sattā sukha-kāmā, dukkha-paṭikkūlā. All living beings desire happiness and recoil from suffering.” – Famous Buddhist sayings.
Things don’t change overnight. It took me a while to mellow out from expressing frustrations at the way my parents did things or reacting to their opinions.
The difference now, I guess, is I’m much more conscious that my parents are ageing and time with them is limited and precious. They may have different opinions and ways of doing things, but their intentions have always been pure. It’s always been love and selflessness.
I’d pick this path again if it means I can continue to connect with my parents.
Everyone chooses their own path, and it’s important that it’s right for you. At this juncture, as we transition through the addition of a new family member, and navigate through a tough economy, this is right for us.
We’re super grateful we have parents who have enough space and have welcomed us back with open arms. It outshines any small frustrations or conflicts that will inevitably come.
Wise Steps:
Cherish shared moments by valuing the opportunity for daily interactions
Open your mind to change: Challenge preconceptions about living with parents
Wholesome Wednesdays (WW): Bringing you curated positive content on Wednesdays to uplift your hump day.
Home conflicts can be a struggle. What does a Buddhsit monk advice to his followers to do when in such a situation? How can we prevent ourselves from becoming our biggest enemy? Today we explore one Dhamma story and one personal sharing
Mummy is always scolding Dad, what can I do?
Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend.
Mummy is always scolding Dad, what can I do?
Cr: Unsplash
Summary
Ajahn Kalyano, Abbot of Buddha Bodhivana Monastery, answers a question about verbal abuse in the family. He shares some useful tips that a child can undertake to help reduce friction at home. He shares also how we have to see that the abuser is also stuck by their conditions and we can do what is skillful to help them increase that awareness
You’re not going to be able to teach your mother…help her be more aware of what she is doing.
Wise Steps
Can we see the suffering in the person who inflicts harm on our loved ones? Will that change our approach to them?
Contemplate: How can I raise awareness of the harm caused by our loved ones?
Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend.
CR: Lexica
Summary
Peter Attia, a MD focused on longevity science, shares how we can remove negative self talk by imagining our self criticism differently. When we fail, we tend to talk to ourselves negatively and harshly, Peter recommends talking to ourselves in the manner which we would talk to our own best friend. It is amazing how much compassion we show for others and not for ourselves.
I was in tears… It was such a shift of how kind I was being to that person.
Wise Steps
When was the last time you talked kindly to yourself?
Everytime the self critic arises, talk to yourself the way you would talk to a bestfriend who screwed up
TLDR: A “Happy New Year” comes not from external conditions, but from appreciating the little blessings in life. The key is to adopt “gratitude as our attitude”.
During this festive season, we often wish our relatives and friends “Happy Chinese New Year”, or “恭喜发财“. In recent years, I started questioning – where does happiness (喜) in a new year come from?
For the young me, this was easily answered. Happiness came from playing with firecrackers, enjoying sumptuous dinners and sinful goodies, meeting my cousins to sing KTV/play cards, and watching TV shows till late.
As I grew up, my views changed. More than seeking pleasures derived from “consumption”, I saw the potential of seeking happiness through “appreciation”. In other words, gratitude.
Gratitude to Parents (父母恩)
In Chinese Mahayana Buddhism, there are 4 objects worthy of great gratitude (四重恩). The first object is none other than our parents.
Leading up to each Chinese New Year, my dad would busy himself around the house. Cleaning the fan, wiping the windows, changing cushion covers, hanging up decorations – the work seemed never-ending.
Typical Chinese New Year decorations at my house – spot the “福禄寿” bears?
I didn’t always appreciate these. The loud vacuum noises and the buckets laying around were a nuisance to me who was trying to study at home.
Mum was also busy during the Chinese New Year when my sister and I were young. She would pack our bags for our 3-day stay in Malaysia (our Grandmother’s house), tend to our daily needs away from home, and deal with any contingencies. I recall once when I fell ill with a stomachache – Mum’s Chinese New Year was spent with me visiting the doctor instead of relatives.
As I grew up, I had to take over some spring-cleaning tasks from my dad. With baby nieces and nephews around, I had to babysit them as well. These made me realise how much I have overlooked the contributions of my parents in giving me a “normal” Chinese New Year to enjoy.
I realised that the “normalcy” I enjoyed during Chinese New Year when I was young was built on their sacrifice.
Gratitude to Country (国土恩)
It was a challenge going into Malaysia each year with traffic jams at the immigration customs lasting up to 3 hours. There were even times when my family was delayed and had to have reunion “suppers” instead!
As a youth, I was often frustrated at the other cars. “Why do all of you have to leave at the same time?”, I would wonder. Also, couldn’t the customs officers work faster?
One year, I realised, “I was not stuck in traffic. I WAS the traffic”. I realised that the customs officers were part of the solution, while I was part of the problem.
Traffic jams at the customs during Chinese New Years can last up to 3 hours Source: The Straits Times
Frustration gave way to appreciation to the customs officers. Thanks to them, our immigration system is working smoothly and our national borders are kept safe.
Thus, the second object of gratitude is to our country (e.g. public service; national infrastructure; healthcare/immigration/security system). These blessings are not always visible, but they provide the foundation for us to lead our normal lives.
Gratitude to All Beings (众生恩)
Many beings bring convenience to our lives. We may not know most of their names and faces, but we have benefited from their contributions. They form the third object for gratitude.
Chinese New Year offers many opportunities for us to observe how people have helped us.
In recent years, I started noticing the waiters who serve our food at reunion dinners, the chefs who prepare the food, the entertainers who perform in celebratory “countdown” shows for us, the cleaners who clean up the mess made after New Year events, and many more.
I realised that things are easy and pleasant only because people help one another. We influence one another, living in a community and society, and our lives are deeply interwoven.
Recollecting the debt of gratitude we have for fellow sentient beings, I feel connected to others around me. This brings much comfort and warmth.
Gratitude to the Triple Gem （三宝恩）
The final object for recollection is to the Triple Gem (Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha) – our safe and secure refuge.
Reflecting on my life, I discovered that I was constantly seeking things to invest my faith/time/effort in return for some happiness. This can take the form of relationships, wealth, fame, job, or even rituals.
We are all seeking a “refuge” to seek comfort from. For example, a popular “tradition” in Singapore is to pray at a temple upon the turn of the Lunar New Year. Some even make efforts to be the first person to offer prayers (插头香) in the belief that it is an auspicious act.
Typical scene of temple-goers rushing offer incense (插头香) during Lunar New Year Source: The Straits Times
Lunar New Year can help us to consider what we choose to invest our faith in. For me, the New Year encourages me to reaffirm my faith in the Triple Gem.
This reminds me that true happiness is a function of my efforts, and not from external conditions. For that, I am grateful.
What makes a “Happy New Year”?
A “Happy New Year” need not just be a cursory greeting we repeat during the 15 days of New Year festivals during house visits. It can also be a sincere aim to strive towards for the entire year.
Things will never be totally smooth in life. If we depend on favourable external conditions to bring us happiness, we will never be able to find much stability.
However, with gratitude as our attitude, we can learn to observe the little blessings around us. Through patient and consistent effort, we can gradually learn to see challenges as opportunities for growth and to find the silver lining in dire situations.
This would be the true cause for happiness in our lives, and allow us to enjoy a “Happy New Year”.
Wise Steps
Keep a gratitude journal. This can be a physical notebook, a virtual word document, or even a private instagram page. Be disciplined in writing down something everyday.
When idle, play a game with yourself – note down 10 things around you to be grateful for. Challenge yourself to identify blessings you have taken for granted.
Train your mind to see problems as challenges, and as opportunities for growth. Be grateful for the tough times in life, and be worthy of your sufferings.
