TLDR: A dear fellow pilgrim reflects on their personal struggle with discernment amidst encountering (possibly) fake monks, inspiring one to uphold the precepts and finding courage to stick to them. Meanwhile, Ezra shares his challenges with maintaining mindfulness outside of the cushion, providing tips on improving one’s practice through the use of small changes in habit, practiced frequently. Wilson overcomes doubts through his teary experiences, and found inspiration in the Buddha’s determination and shared journey with spiritual friends. Read on to learn more about their deeply personal and unique encounters!
I am back with the third and final narrative of this three-part series into our fellow friends’ pilgrimage journey. Join me as we continue our exploration and discover the importance of morality, mental cultivation and faith. Each pilgrim’s encounter reflects a unique aspect of their own spiritual path, providing insights into their personal challenges and struggles along the way as they triumph their way to Nibbana.
Śīla (morality) by Anon.
One of the things that plagued me in the first few days of the trip occurred when we were at the Mahabodhi temple. Fake monks seem to be quite common, and visitors are often warned about them. I ignored every single monk handing out leaves from the bodhi tree while I circumambulated the temple. Yet, after hearing stories of fellow pilgrims being given bodhi leaves without being asked for anything in return – I started wondering and felt bad that I may have turned down someone’s good intentions!
A part of me knew that these monks were probably fake, but indecision (about my judgment) remained. I wonder if this indecision and lack of discernment resulted from being in a work environment where truths are concealed and lying is commonplace.
When it comes to the Five Precepts, I struggle with the fourth: abstaining from false speech. This is especially the case at work, where lying seems to be commonplace, or even expected from all parties involved during negotiations. There was even a time when I was told by someone senior, “Everybody lies – there is no one that doesn’t lie.” (Something which I disagreed with – because I see examples of well-practised monastics who are impeccable in conduct, and kalyāṇa-mittas(spiritual friends) who are doing their best to uphold the precepts, even though we tend to slip back into our habitual tendencies.)
I thought about how my mind was during the visit to the Mahabodhi temple seemed muddled and confused. I compared this to the time where I had attended a retreat, observed noble silence, and undertook the 8 precepts – my mind felt very clear and free from hindrances. At the same time, I wondered how disastrous it would be if one day I undiscerningly accepted any false teachings I encountered. (Today it may be fake monks giving bodhi leaves, but in future, it could be a Buddhist cult!)
Due to the reflections resulting from the (possibly) fake monks – one of the aspirations I had made during the pilgrimage was to upkeep the five precepts to the best of my ability, even in situations where it may be difficult or require extra courage to do so.
Another inspiration I had from the trip was visiting the spot where King Bimbisara’s jail cell had been in the past. He was said to have renounced his kingdom so that his son Ajatasattu could rule peacefully. Commentaries point to King Bimbisara choosing the place of his jail cell in a spot where he could see the Buddha pass by during his daily walks up the Griddhakuta hill where he meditated.
I thought this was such an inspiration – a king giving up all his material wealth, following the teachings and being non-violent even in the most oppressive situation – with his only wish being to have a spot where he could see the Buddha.
The location of King Bimbisara’s jail cell. Regrettably, the weather was not the best, so we had limited visibility and weren’t able to see Vulture’s peak. I hope King Bimbisara had better weather conditions than us!
This made me reflect on some of the situations that I find myself in, and the courage required to stick to my principles. While these training principles and precepts are difficult to follow, (and I regrettably will lapse sometimes), I hope I can find the courage and the determination to continue following them.
“Mendicants, there are these three grounds for making merit. What three? Giving (dāna), ethical conduct (sīla), and meditation (bhāvanā) are all grounds for making merit.”–AN 8.36
The Pali word bhāvanā literally means development or cultivation. This word is used in early Buddhist texts to describe “activities related to the development of the mind”. When we speak of mental cultivation in the Buddhist context, we tend to refer to mindfulness (sati) and samādhi, which is often translated as “concentration” but it is accurate to term it as a “collected stillness” that arises naturally with certain conditions rather than the everyday meaning of concentration and focus.
Like many of us, I struggle with maintaining sati and samādhi in daily life. Our minds tend to get caught up in various things in our busy lives. Wanting or rejecting something or some situation, wanting someone to do or not to do something, … etc. There’s always some desire clamouring for attention in our head.
A good way to see what we are caught up with is to periodically check the quality of our mind and observe which hindrance (see table below! ) is affecting us and what is the cause, then ask ourselves is it worth holding onto the cause of the hindrance so strongly.
The truth is – there will always be dissatisfaction and even suffering from time to time unless (and until) we are enlightened, and very often the dissatisfaction and suffering we experience are caused by ourselves!
I guess for most of us, it takes some effort to meditate daily, or even to put aside time to sit and meditate. This is one of the main challenges in my practice. Like many of my friends, my meditation quality was good during the pilgrimage, but not so good or consistent in daily life.
We are all creatures of habit and it can make a huge difference to our practice. One of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is Begin With the End in Mind:
Habit 2: Begin With the End in Mind is based on imagination—the ability to envision in your mind what you cannot at present see with your eyes. It is based on the principle that all things are created twice. There is a mental (first) creation and a physical (second) creation. The physical creation follows the mental, just as a building follows a blueprint.
James Clear in his book Atomic Habits recommends a framework to develop good habits and break bad habits:
“Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity. This is one reason why meaningful change does not require radical change. Small habits can make a meaningful difference by providing evidence of a new identity. And if a change is meaningful, it is actually big. That’s the paradox of making small improvements.”
We can start building sati with small changes such as not using personal devices during meal times and on our daily commute. Shift attention to our breathing and keep it there.
When stray thoughts arise ask yourself if they are helpful to your practice, if not then let them go and come back to the breath. Over time we can also develop and maintain mindfulness while walking, talking, eating, cleaning, using the toilet, watching shows etc.
When we have some sati, samādhi arrives much more easily. The same small changes can be applied to building samādhi as well, such as sitting on the bed to meditate for a while after waking up, having a meditation break after lunch, and setting aside time to meditate after the day’s work is done. Even five minutes makes a difference!
When mindfulness and meditation are practised diligently, the quality of our minds changes. A subtle and steady peace would arise that releases and protects the mind from pain and suffering.
One thing to take note is that while mundane self-help tools can be beneficial to set a direction for our practice, we may need to tweak them for spiritual use. For instance, identity-based habits can be helpful but they must be applied with wisdom. These quotes should help to shed some light:
We practice to abandon “having” things or “being” anything at all. We don’t practice to “get” or to “be” a sotāpanna, sakadāgāmi, anāgāmi or arahant. – Ajahn Anan
but
We must forgive ourselves, love ourselves, and wish ourselves happiness. In other words, we must have a small, happy and healthy sense of self that will walk the path of non-self. This is very important. Otherwise, our self will not be able to walk on the path. – Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo
Following this understanding where our inner world determines our outer behaviour, we should also bear in mind that one of the most important aspects of bhāvanā is letting go.
When the mind isn’t pulling, pushing or holding onto anything we can experience pure bliss and happiness which is not something that the mundane world can provide. That being said, it is not feasible to let go of everything at once and letting go tends to be more effective as a gradual process.
During the pilgrimage, A complicated personal experience occurred at the ruins of Nalanda and my mind was weighed down thereafter.
Fortunately, the help of some friends and wise words to “focus on the dhamma, not the drama” helped me to let go and I had a deep meditation experience at the Bodhi Tree.
We must learn to accept that life will never be smooth sailing all the time. When we start to see for ourselves that our mundane desires and conditions are innately impermanent, dissatisfactory, and non-self, we develop wisdom that delivers us from suffering.
Finally, here are some helpful resources on how to let go of:
The Pali word “Saddhā” (the first of the five spiritual faculties) can be translated as “faith” or “confidence”. A friend who had gone on pilgrimage before told me that going on a pilgrimage can deepen one’s faith. Immediately my mind went, “Really meh?
I mean even if these are the actual places where the Buddha practised, gained enlightenment and taught at, it’s been thousands of years already leh. So many people have come and gone and probably destroyed what was there to start with. How special can they be?”
This thought brought the realisation that I had doubts about some aspects of Buddhism, especially parts that were unverifiable by contemporary science. Studying science for decades and thereafter teaching science has shaped how I see the world and what I chose to believe in.
On matters like kamma and rebirth, I have taken the approach of putting my doubt on hold as I continue to practise.
The discerning reader might anticipate that I would write next about a drastic change of mind, just like those cheesy plotlines replete in dramas and movies. Aaaaaand congratulations, you are absolutely right!
Moreover, the places we visited that resulted in my change of heart were caves in two different hills, with dreamy feelings from the fog that descends early in the morning. Also present were picturesque spots to drum some sense into the sceptical protagonist.
A sense of deep inspiration and respect washed over me as I stepped into the cave on Dungeshwari Hills in Gaya, where Siddhartha Gautama spent six years meditating and practising extreme asceticism before he became the Buddha. Due to his extreme starvation, he described how the skin of his belly stuck to his backbone.
The sight of the emaciated Buddha statue brought tears to my eyes as I was in awe of the Buddha’s determination to find the ultimate truth.
The extent to which he endured to arrive at the wisdom of the Middle Way, avoiding self-mortification or sensual indulgence.
On Day five, we climbed up Griddhakuta Hill in Rajgir, also popularly known as Vulture’s Peak. As I sat in meditation in the cave belonging to Venerable Maha-Moggallāna, alongside my friends, the peace and stillness that arose allowed me to appreciate an alternative perspective of the sheer number of pilgrims coming to these holy sites.
In the 2500 years after the Buddha’s parinibbāna, countless people went on pilgrimage to where the Buddha lived and taught, sometimes even risking their lives to do so, especially in ancient times. It is exactly because of these practitioners who demonstrated their faith and determination and painstakingly left records to show us the way.
Moreover, we embarked on this journey together with other pilgrims, coming from different backgrounds, each having our unique stories, forming part of the generations of nameless pilgrims.
Despite our differences, we share this affinity of pursuing the same Noble Eightfold Path.
This shared purpose of ours is not diluted by time, space or the number of pilgrims; conversely, walking along the same paths as those who have come before us and many who will do so in future serves as a source of inspiration for us all to practise.
Witnessing the effects of practising the Noble Eightfold Path on me and the people around me on the pilgrimage gives me confidence in the Buddha, his teachings and the noble practitioners who live out the teachings.
Lastly, I feel immensely blessed to have gone on this pilgrimage with my spiritual friends with the guidance of a wise teacher and support from kind tour guides.
I have this feeling that we made aspirations to practise and support one another in our past lives and the merits we accumulated brought us on this beautiful journey together again.
I look forward to continuing this journey with them in future lives, if conditions permit.
Till nibbāna do us part.
Conclusion
The narratives of Sila, Bhavana and Saddha reflected by my fellow spiritual friends’ pilgrimage experiences illuminate the diverse facets of their personal spiritual practices and their quest for enlightenment. Through their sharing about morality, mental cultivation and faith, these pilgrims inspire us to navigate our paths with courage, clarity and unwavering patient endurance.
As we bid farewell to this pilgrimage journey that we shared, may our experiences continue to guide and inspire each of us (and you!) in our own paths towards inner peace and liberation. Through mindfulness, moral integrity, and faith, may we navigate the complexities of life with greater clarity, compassion, and purpose. It’s important to remember that these experiences are deeply personal and that each of us embarks on our unique journey into spiritual paths.
While these stories inspire, readers should not expect the exact same experiences on their own pilgrimages but rather embrace their individual journeys with openness and curiosity.
As the pilgrimage comes to an end, we cherish the bonds forged, the wisdom gained and the bittersweet realisation that we have to strive with determination to bring ourselves closer to inner peace and enlightenment.
Wise Steps:
1.Cultivate Mindfulness in Daily Life: Consider Ezra Tay’s tips in the practice of Bhāvanā (mental cultivation) and integrate mindfulness practices into your daily routine. Start with small changes like setting aside dedicated time for meditation, practising mindfulness during routine activities such as eating or commuting, and periodically checking the quality of your mind to identify and address mental hindrances.
2.Uphold Moral Integrity: Make a commitment to uphold moral integrity even in challenging situations. Reflect on the five precepts of Buddhism and strive to maintain them to the best of your ability, especially in environments where dishonesty or unethical behaviour may be prevalent.
3.Strengthen Faith Through Experience: Consider the experiences of Wilson Ng’s journey of Saddha (faith)and deepen your faith through direct experience. Explore spiritual practices, visit sacred sites if possible, and surround yourself with supportive spiritual friends. Reflect on the teachings of Buddhism and observe how they manifest in your life, allowing your faith to grow organically through personal insights and experiences.
TLDR: A friendship of different faiths, a journey of letting go: Read about the power of Dhamma in guiding a dear friend’s peaceful passage.
The Diagnosis
A dear friend of mine, whom I had known for seven years, was diagnosed with a rare form of lymphoma that did not respond to any medical treatment. Our friendship was unique, with our different religious beliefs as a Christian and a Buddhist.
It was like butter and kaya, different tastes that blended so well together like in butter kaya toast.
Though A and I had different religious beliefs, we respected each other’s views, and our conversations were full of similarities about our beliefs. We often joked that if Buddha and Jesus were BFFs in their time, then both of us would be the perfect example of that relationship.
Whenever one of us had a bad day, I would say “Let God” to him, and he would say “Let Go” to me. This had become our favourite phrase over the years: Let God Let Go.
My daily visit to A in the hospital was always a precious one because I knew the time that I could spend with him was limited. I would always get him his favourite food on the days that he had an appetite, tell him funny stories, and do a massage for him which he enjoyed greatly, treating me like his personal masseur.
‘Wow, you really let go!’
On one such day, as I was having my usual conversation with him, he held my hands and said that he had decided to go into palliative care and asked that I stay with him and guide him in this last part of his journey.
Believe it or not, I had never cried since the start of his cancer journey but this time around, I just burst out in tears and cried buckets.
A just stared at me with his sparkling big eyes and cheekily said, “Wow, you really let go!”
This indeed was a real-life practice for me—not only did I have to guide someone in their last journey, but they were also a close friend who was of a different faith.
Introducing A to monastics and Buddhism
Developing mental states for future lives
As a Dhamma practitioner and speaker myself, I started trying to recall and research any material that enabled me to be A’s guide for his passing on. The mental states required for heavenly rebirth were a consistent theme in my research.
I thought that if I could use the principles behind these mental states without using Dhamma concepts, it would help A’s mind feel lighter, happier, and joyous, and therefore, it would be of great help for his next life.
There was a conversation in Dighajanu Sutta (AN8.54) between the Buddha and a lay disciple, Dighajanu, about developing mental states for future lives, namely Faith, Ethics, Generosity, and Wisdom.
Faith
Faith is a powerful energy that helps one’s mind feel energised, hopeful, and joyous. It was easy to trigger the faith in A as his religion is built on the foundation of faith.
I encouraged A to consistently arouse his faith in God and understand that whatever happens is in the hands of God. To not worry about the future and just be in the moment.
There were times when A felt immense pain and he told me because of the faith he had in God, the pain decreased tremendously most of the time. As Buddhists, we all know, that is the power of faith—it makes one filled with joy, and probably more endorphins are released into the body.
The author with A at Chijmes Singapore
Ethics
A is, by nature, a good person. If he were a Buddhist, he would be one that kept to his precepts relatively well. I always encouraged him to remind himself of all the good things that he had done, and he had also not intentionally harmed anyone in his life.
This constant reminder of him being a good person also helped him remind himself that he is a good servant to his God.
That recollection itself had helped him overcome his guilt and fear of death. I told him, “Whatever happens, you have a good report card to show to God”, and he often gave a peaceful smile, knowing that he led a good moral life.
Generosity
As for generosity, I told A to recall all the good things that he had done for others and his church. A was an active volunteer of his church. He was also an active missionary who went to various countries to help the underprivileged.
Even when he was fighting the cancer battle, he was generous with his time and was always keen to share his faith and company.
Wisdom
Wisdom was the part that I found hard to explain to him. In Buddhism, wisdom is about realising the 4 Noble Truths (4NT). I was thinking very hard about how to help A to arouse this mental state. One night, as I was reflecting on the 4NT, it then came to my understanding that this whole Dhamma journey is about letting go.
When one realises the 4NT, it becomes about letting go of all greed, ill-will, and delusion. The more you let go, the less you suffer. I told A that he had to let go of any expectations, his body, and eventually his life.
He must Let God. Whatever the journey was, God would have a place for him when his mission was done in this world. A found peace in this and said that he finally understood “Let Go Let God,” which was our favourite phrase.
The journey ends
A few days before his passing, I asked A if he would be ok if I were away for a week as I was the organiser of a meditation retreat. He said he would be okay, and he was at peace and ready to return to heaven at any time.
He cheekily asked me to share merits with him in the retreat and said that he would look out for me when he is in heaven.
That night, I was preparing to rest for the day at the retreat centre. As I was dozing off, I was awakened by a bright light at the corner of my bed. I saw the light and felt extremely peaceful and joyous.
I returned to my sleep and didn’t think much about it as I was exhausted. A few minutes later I received a text from his close friend, stating that A had passed on peacefully in his sleep a few minutes earlier.
When I saw the text, I was at peace and there was immense joy in me. I know A had passed on well and he is now definitely in a good place.
The next morning, I felt a deep sense of gratitude. I am grateful to my dear friend for allowing me to be part of his journey of passing on.
I am grateful to the Dhamma as I have witnessed the power of its teachings. It truly transcends space, time, and even people. If one is willing to listen and accept it, one will truly see the fruits of it. Dhamma is truly Ehi Passiko!
TLDR: Jia Yee shares on why she started her start-up and how it ended. She explores 3 Buddhist values Gratitude, Fighting Spirit, and Faith
As a writer, I often come across stories of entrepreneurs who have weathered the highs and lows of building a business. But my recent conversation with Jia Yee, a startup founder, inspired me.
Jia Yee shared her unique journey of building her startup from scratch, pouring her heart and soul into it, and eventually walking away as the business matured. What struck me the most was how she found solace and strength in Buddhism, which became a key pillar of support in overcoming the loss of walking away.
Interestingly, the birth of her startup was rooted in death.
From cancer to a start-up
“My startup was my second job in my life. I left my first job after my mom passed away from cancer and I needed that physical and mental break to just really not do anything” Jia Yee shared.
Jia Yee took a break from her first job and started a project “Strength Behind Cancer” which aimed to interview cancer survivors on their stories. She was curious to understand what her mum was going through and sought out stories to honour her mother’s memory. She continued tirelessly tracking interviewees who would share their stories.
During her search for stories, Jia Yee eventually encountered a woman who was in remission from two different forms of cancer. After their interview, the lady could tell that Jia Yee had become disheartened from her mission.
‘Jia Yee, if this is not giving you joy, you don’t have to feel obliged in doing it’ the lady said. After that, Jia Yee realised that each time she conversed with a patient, it evoked memories of her mother’s passing. The pain it brought to Jia Yee was not obvious to her. However, it was obvious to her interviewees.
That comment sparked a deep thought in Jia Yee, “Oh, my mom wouldn’t want me to be milling around. My parents have always been very open about life, they would just want me to be happy and not like, you know, super successful.”
She pondered if she was content with her life, with the conclusion being a negative one.
Inquiring what would bring her joy, she had an immediate response. This then resulted in the inception of her own business.
This is not a sexy story, but we were cleaners as well
Jia Yee found that her greatest joy was in doing projects in the arts scene and quickly found a partner to start a company. Their offering?
A full-service end-to-end creative agency. They would cover conceptualisation to execution across different mediums. Their goal was to put Singaporean design on the international map and shine a light on Singapore’s creatives.
They pitched hard to potential clients but faced a prolonged period of a dry pipeline. This brought anxiety to the founders if they had the right service offering. Then a breakthrough came.
They were cleaning the office when they found out that they had won the contract.
(What happened right before we received the email)
“This is not a sexy story, but we were cleaners as well.” Jia Yee chuckled. As a startup with no projects at the start, they had to do EVERYTHING themselves and cleaning was no exception.
Singapore Tourism Board (STB) awarded them a contract to profile 12 Singapore creatives in Tokyo! Jia Yee was overjoyed.
“For an organisation that’s so much bigger than us, that award gave us validation that we were doing something right!” Jia Yee beamed as she recalled.
This contract kickstarted subsequent projects by exposing their business to more people in the network. It also made future clients trust them more as they, by appearance were two twenty-somethings pitching projects in board rooms.
Their business eventually grew big enough to support creatives (who often do not have stable incomes) in the hardest of times like Covid. That was something recalled with great joy, being able to help an industry that was hit hardest during the lockdowns.
The end begins
After six years of operations, Jia Yee realised she and her business partner had different opinions concerning how the firm should be conducted and what the outlook of the company should be.
As the divergent tension developed further, Jia Yee felt that the best thing to do, when no common ground could be found, was to step down.
“There’s always a time, right time and right place. Maybe that time has concluded and perhaps it’s time for me to move on.” Jia Yee shared.
“If I hung on, cling on, what would it lead to?” She queried.
As she prepared to wind down her share of the business and planned for the exit, she felt a wave of grief. It was as if the baby she had given birth to was now to be given away.
How did she go from grief to peace? I asked. With calm eyes, she shared more.
Coping with the end
Jia Yee said that it centred around three Buddhist concepts: Gratitude, Right Effort, Faith
Gratitude
“Giving thanks. Twice.” Jia Yee smiled. Saying goodbye often entails leaving behind something or experiencing a loss. Hence, gratitude is necessary to remind us of what we have gained and learnt in our journey.
Jia Yee shared that recollecting the good times that she had while running the firm lifted up her mood. Giving thanks for the opportunity to help the arts scene during covid through grants and engaging subcontractors who were in need stood out to her.
She also embodied the essence of metta, by wishing her firm (like we would with people) to be well and happy.
By lifting up her mood and switching her narrative from loss to gain, she smoothened the edges of pain.
Beijing Skyline. Jia Yee’s gratitude for the place’s work brought her into
“6 years wasted could put him (Siddartha) in a tailspin…. But he knew that there must be a way out of this… Raising his fighting spirit to carry on.”
Jia Yee could resonate with the struggles others faced when facing a setback. Even the Buddha had his setbacks when seeking enlightenment.
“When we stab ourselves with our bad moods, we are the ones harming ourselves.“- Thanissaro Bhikkhu.
Jia Yee mentioned that the talk encouraged her to take the leap and work on making her exit from the firm possible. In the face of difficulty, she had to bite her tongue and work through the painful admin of exit.
Tokyo event, with Jia Yee pictured, and hosting guests from the Singapore embassy in Tokyo
Faith
“Faith was carrying me throughout the entire process.” The Buddhist practice of mindfulness, peace, and wisdom stuck with Jia Yee through the process. She started to attend DAYWA, a Dhamma practice group for working professionals, on a weekly basis for guided meditation.
A facilitator asked her ‘What suffering brought her to DAYWA’ which struck Jia Yee as it was in the midst of suffering that she turned to the Dhamma.
That realisation that suffering is to be faced and understood, made her commit to showing up for the weekly sessions.
“Before attending DAYWA, I didn’t really understand the concept of peace. But after consistently meditating with the group, I think I do now” She smiled.
These 3 pillars: Gratitude, Fighting Spirit, and Faith were vital in her farewell process.
Advice to other founders
Jia Yee really felt at peace when I was taking this shot; this was a while after her exit
“Any advice for founders out there?” I quizzed.
She smiled and shared the following points
Always learn from others’ experiences: Not doing so is a blessing missed
Differentiate between good and bad stress. Good stress should not affect your self-confidence and esteem.
Know the balance in your life: Life is not about work. Asking yourself ‘Am I balanced?’ is a key question to keep in mind
Find your spiritual nourishment: Find something that gives your mental energy; this can come from reading or just by sitting quietly
Find like-minded people with the same values: Find those that share your joy and experiences
Conclusion
Running a startup is not as glamorous as most magazines/newsletters might show. It takes hard work and also the wisdom to know when to say goodbye.
By relying on our fighting spirit, gratitude, and faith, founders can garner the strength to let go of what they put their life into.
That’s probably how a person can say goodbye to something very dear to them.
TLDR: Doubt can eat you up. How do we deal with it when it is the core of our identity? Anonymous shares his experience in a non-Buddhist family and how it led him to the Dhamma.
Editor’s note: Talking about conversion can be a touchy subject. At HOL, we believe that one should be free to choose whatever faith you choose to pursue. There are various challenges on our religious journey and we are glad anonymous shared his struggles openly as it is not easy to do so.
Introduction
Hi there, my name is Anonymous and I am currently a practising Buddhist. As the title goes, this was not initially the case, and I would like to share more about that here.
Being born in a family of ardent believers of a monotheistic faith naturally made me fairly religious for the first 18 years of my life. Hence, to get to my faith in Buddhism, I had to go through the tedious process of:
1) struggling with the truth of the religion that I was born into (let’s call this my inherited religion or “IR”),
2) dropping my IR,
3) exploring the alternatives out there; and finally
4) ending up with Buddhism.
If that sounds interesting to you, do stay with me! Note that ‘Divine’ is used interchangeably with the concept of a supreme, all-powerful, deity (aka God). In addition, this article is meant to document my journey into the Dhamma and should not be taken as an ‘absolute’ comparison against monotheistic religions. Everyone is free to follow the faith that aligns most with them and brings them contentment.
1.Faith and Doubt
It was pretty challenging to practise my IR as you have to pray frequently each day. This was especially tough when I was in school, having to find time during breaks to fulfil my obligations. Regardless, I tried.
As much as I was fervent in the belief, the more I tried to understand the faith, the more questions I had. I studied the history of my IR, learnt its language, and memorised the scriptures in a formalised institution.
In my attempt to understand the religion, I noted internal inconsistencies in the holy book and encountered teachings which didn’t sit well with my personal ethics. I struggled with accepting things without understanding their rationale.
The issue with that was that my IR demanded full surrender and belief.
The more I tried to learn about my IR, the more the distance of doubt grew for me to have faith. Ironic, isn’t it?
What is faith to you? In my simplistic definition, faith is the acceptance of a claim without sufficient evidence. I felt that it was intellectually dishonest to accept something despite a lack of evidence. I would reason (with my God-given intellect) that it is unethical to do that to yourself, as it equates to self-deception.
Self-deception is unethical because it equates to wilful recklessness in dedicating the scarce resource we call “life” to potential non-truths.
With the doubts that I had, I simply could not believe it. The two values of intellectual honesty and faith clashed. Think about it:
1) Value #1 is faith, the acceptance of a claim regardless of evidence. Faith in that claim implies that I did not consider the validity of the evidence.
2) Value #2 is intellectual honesty, the acceptance of a claim only when sufficient evidence is presented. Non-acceptance (not rejection) of the claim occurs when there is insufficient evidence.
I started to value intellectual honesty more as the debates continued in my mind.
2.Accepting doubt
Mind you, disbelief in my IR was punishable by an afterlife of hell. It would make my current life hell, too, given the level of pressure in the community and in my family.
By the time I was 17, the doubts that I’ve shared earlier would serve as my one-way ticket to eternal torment. It was therefore important for me to save my soul.
My last-ditch attempt at salvation was to will myself towards belief. I tried to suppress my doubts, much like preventing the escape of steam from a boiling kettle. I wished and prayed for those doubts to go away in the hopes that the divine would reveal himself. The pressure of doubt continued to build up the more I fought against it.
In the midst of my efforts sprang a realisation—I was literally trying to trade my piety, reverence, and mortal life for a better afterlife. Those drives which were previously subtle became clear as day. I reached a point where following this belief was more of a transaction than a religion.
Although I had no choice but to doubt, I do have a say in whether I would acknowledge it, or wilfully ignore it. So I chose the truth, accepting that I didn’t believe it. In choosing myself, I left the Divine behind.
Wise steps
Acknowledging any doubts that we have can be challenging but it is self-affirmative. The process does not end there. Investigate them!
3.Exploring truths
And so, I left the decades-long conditioning in a finger-snap. Apostasy was instantaneous upon that realisation, but it was also the culmination of a gradual struggle with doubt. The remainder of my hopes for the truth of my IR was dropped. A sense of loss followed, perhaps insecurity or guilt arising from tasting the sacrilegious freedom of self-acceptance.
Despite that, I could see that those were residual emotions which did not connect with the insight gleaned. Those emotions gradually ceased, and life and death were no longer relegated to an “almighty” concept in the great everywhere.
“Now is my chance”, I said to myself. I decided to redesign my life, hitting the “f5” on the keyboard of my being, erasing any inherited indoctrination by questioning my own ethics, worldview, and how I lived my life.
What an uncomfortable process! It felt like I was literally killing parts of a personality which I had built all my life—but alas, parts which were never “me” to begin with. (That is probably a topic for another day, however.)
In that journey of apostasy and agnosticism, I explored the religions of the world. If there is a Truth out there, let me find it. If it is true, it will not be hidden for long. A sincere God will not forsake a sincere seeker, would he (or she)? This aspiration grew in the newfound field of freedom.
Wise steps
Introspection is key to living an authentic life. In ensuring that the views we hold are aligned with our values, it may bring insight to reflect on the following;
What are some of your unquestioned beliefs contributing to your core worldview which you hold to be true?
Do they align with your values?
If that belief is untested, and not aligned with your values, how does it feel to drop them? – Investigate further if there is resistance.
4.Finding the practice
I explored Abrahamic and Indic religions and, as you may have guessed, Buddhism. While some of those teachings, being new to me, had their own charm, Buddhism was compelling to me as it encouraged one to question and test any claims brought forth.
– When you know for yourselves that ‘these qualities are skilful; these qualities are blameless; these qualities are praised by the wise; these qualities, when adopted & carried out, lead to welfare & to happiness’ —
– then you should enter & remain in them.
In short, it does not encourage blind faith but empowers authentic acceptance through experiencing the truth. It is intellectually honest.
The Buddha was known to actively encourage enthusiastic followers to first inquire before converting to Buddhism.
“Householder, you should act after careful consideration. It’s good for well-known people such as yourself to act after careful consideration.” – MN 56, Upali Sutta
I tested the teachings and applied, and learnt and applied, iteratively.
The mutually supportive practices of cultivating kindness and awareness were making a clear change in my life. Being kind was a nice thing—to simply care for others and enjoy the naturally arising warmth in a smile, what a joy!
What of morality? It is expressed as a life of morality that is not just lived because the divine says it is right. It is not a demand, but a gift to see it for yourself!
When we live ethically, people around us are at ease, and consequently, we are gladdened. When we do no harm, our conscience is clear, and we are at ease—with ourselves (this is observable when I meditate, where I am my only company). Living ethically is a gift from me to others, and to myself.
Heaven used to be a subtle expectation, where my kindness and good behaviour came with terms and conditions attached—but no more. This way of life is pleasant. Each step on the path yields fruit to be tasted almost instantaneously, inviting one to take the next step. The more I enjoyed the process, the deeper down the Dhamma rabbit hole I went.
I gradually “became” a Buddhist, without even realising it.
Now, if you have tolerated me this far, I must come clean that I do have unresolved questions relating to the doctrine. However, taking the guidance of the Kalamas and the exhortation of the Simsapa Sutta (which this page is inspired by), I hold the handful of truths that have been tried and tested.
In this journey, it seems to me that having faith is more like falling in love. It is an invitation which calls you on. You do not beckon it. And in the gradual calling, I grew to notice momentary suffering, saw its attachments, and sometimes, if luck would have it, its dissolution.
Thanks for joining me in this journey from doubt to tested faith. 🙂
This is an abridged chapter from Buddhist Scholar Sylvia Bay’s Book on Faith. You may find the book here!
TLDR: Buddhism is nowadays taken to be ‘scientific’ with little need for faith. Have we got it wrong? Which type of faith do you identify with? Blind, Knowledge, or practice? Sylvia shares more
Faith is not a static mental state. Faith can strengthen (or fade). Right knowledge and clear understanding will strengthen faith.
1. ‘Blind’ Faith
When we first declared ourselves to be Buddhists, the odds are that at that time, we didn’t really know much about Buddha or his Teaching. What little we knew then was probably hearsay or as tradition dictated.
We were likely to be caught up with the dos and don’ts of the rites and rituals. What to do at the temple or monastery? How to bow? How to chant? What offerings to make? And so on. Our faith might or may be transactional.
We “pray” to Buddha and show our devotion by making offerings so that we will be blessed with success or be able to ward off misfortune. We may have all kinds of wrong understanding: ‘Buddha is god’, ‘Buddha can save me’, ‘just pray to Buddha and all will be fine’.
Even worse, we may be afraid of asking questions because we think that it is ‘bad kamma’ to do so. Blind faith is superficial and fragile as it rests on ignorance and fear. This type of faith cannot withstand life’s inevitable disappointments and setbacks. It will be at constant risk of falling away.
2. Knowledge-based Faith
The faith that Buddha spoke about that is critical for spiritual growth is grounded on knowledge and a thorough understanding of the teaching.
The deeper the knowledge, the stronger is the faith.
Now, we must all start somewhere in terms of gathering knowledge. Buddha’s advice was to approach a teacher that you have respect for. Because of that positive chemistry, you will be willing to keep an open-mind and give him the benefit of the doubt. Because of your attitude, your mind is pliant, receptive and attentive.
That helps you to register the Dhamma properly and remember it. What you can remember, you must reflect thoroughly and compare the teachings against your observations about life’s experiences and your mind.
Only when the Dhamma makes sense, because it is consistent with what you have observed, will you embrace the teaching fully and confidently.
From the above, it is clear that Buddha had expected his followers not to just accept his words at face value but to have an enquiring mind and ask questions, challenge assumptions, think critically, and make thoughtful conclusions. These are high order cognitive processes.
He said that they should accept his teachings only after they are satisfied that Dhamma makes sense from their own observations about their mind and life’s experiences.
3. Practice-based Faith
Ultimately, Buddha’s Dhamma is not an intellectual exercise. It helps the practitioner to understand the true nature of the mind such that he can overcome feelings of dukkha and is able to live more happily.
It is not easy to get to a state where one can see the mind’s true nature. It may require fundamental changes to one’s habits and behaviour. One must make a serious effort to overcome one’s negative instincts and obstructive habits.
Hence, the next level of faith development is practice. You must be ready to deliberately and thoroughly weave all aspects of his teaching into your daily life. And you keep applying the training discipline until your mind settles into a new equilibrium, with new knowledge about itself and its habits.
When that happens, the practitioner would find himself becoming a kinder, gentler and wiser person, more content, happier and less caught up with ego and desires.
As your understanding of the Dhamma deepens because of the practice, you will experience more periods of peace in your waking moments. Once the Dhamma is not just an abstract concept but a way of life, faith will grow exponentially.
You have confidence that you know how to shape the mind because you understand how it works.
Pause and reflect. Where do you currently stand now in your Buddhist faith? Are you comfortable with where you are right now?
Ask yourself, ‘How can I go from understanding the teachings to realising them?’. Take active steps to grow your circle of spiritual friends to support your journey
Associate with wise teachers, explore and find teachers to learn from. Those who are worthy of respect and conduct themselves similar to how the Buddha or disciples would behave.
