TLDR: Lydia shares her cycles of emotions when going through a breakup and how she eventually bounce back with the support of loved ones, healthy distractions, and deep realizations.
I was heartbroken after my first break-up. I would like to share some things that helped me through the process and I hope that it will be useful for you!
Before getting attached I used to have many crushes but they never knew until I finally told them a long time after. I used to feel needy and wondered when I would ever find a boyfriend but I had high expectations and never really settled down.
After I became more passionate about Buddhism when I was in Year 4 of university I felt that I had more emotional stability. I had fewer cravings and felt that there were more meaningful things to life than looking for a partner.
Eventually, I fell in love and found a boyfriend. Impermanence then waged war on my relationship and we broke up.
Here are realisations that helped me through the breakup, I hope that they will be useful for those going through their share of breakups
1. I am still very loved!
Post break up I felt abandoned, rejected and feelings of guilt came up. I asked myself what I should have done better.
I was unable to accept that the person I loved chose to move on. Even knowing the teachings of impermanence, I could not believe and accept that his feelings for me had changed.
I think the most important thing that helped me through was support from family and friends. To remind myself that I am still very loved. To spend time with them and to purposefully distract me till I achieve mental stability to process the difficult perceptions of abandonment and rejection.
2. It’s okay!
It’s okay to be sad or depressed. I used to see crying as a sign of defeat or weakness.
I wanted to set a timeline for myself to heal, recover and move on, but I couldn’t. And it’s okay because creating a timeline for myself to move on added to the suffering.
There is a strong societal stigma pertaining to depression because it seems that the person is depressed out of their own choice.
But how can we forget that no one wants to suffer and we all want to be happy and peaceful?
While some aspects of managing depression are within our control, I think that we can be very helpless when strong emotions arise.
We can try to modify the aspects as much as we can such as avoiding triggers, distracting ourselves and not falling into habitual patterns of unwise decisions. But sometimes, we might still fail and become demoralised as a result.
Through this experience, I really feel much more compassion for people who have gone through depression. It is not just a clinical diagnosis but a difficult life situation, which might persist for a long time.
So, I tell myself it’s okay. It’s okay to still feel sad, it’s okay to feel needy and lonely. It’s okay to have thoughts of wanting to find someone to love you. It’s okay that I still don’t know how to love myself well. It’s really okay.
And this acceptance is loving kindness and compassion to oneself. I always struggle with loving kindness for myself, not knowing how to love myself. But this acceptance is the first step. Ajahn Brahm used to teach us, ‘Be kind, Be gentle and Make peace.’ His teachings have really helped me through this difficult period.
To open the door of your heart to whatever you are experiencing, and to sit tight and remind yourself that the storm will pass. Once you get used to the process, it is about bracing yourself and preparing for the storm too!
Another teaching that was useful is the analogy of the hand. If we put our hand in front of our face, it covers our whole world and our hand is the world.
But if we put our hand back to where it belongs, at the end of our arm, we can now see the whole world.
There was a time when the break up was the world to me. There was nothing I would think of except feelings of sadness and I felt so unmotivated to do anything at all. I could not see the love from my family and friends and I was so fixated on a love that I could not get.
I believe it was a lot of romanticising the good times and forgetting the difficult times. But if you deliberately remind yourself of the other things in your life, it reminds you of the blessings that you already have. And these blessings too, are impermanent.
Ajahn Brahm also taught that a relationship that ended is like a concert that ended. All concerts come to an end no matter how good it is, such is the nature of life.
3. Awareness of what you need
Post break up I was trying to act as if nothing happened. I was trying to continue my work and Dhamma commitments as much as possible, but it was a huge mistake.
What I needed was probably just to rest and to spend time with people I love.
There was a strong desire to reconnect with my previous boyfriend but every contact brought back difficult emotions. Yet I was still unable to let go.
Sometimes, our thoughts can feel very real and justified, although it might not be the best decision for us. This was probably my first experience with how we cannot fully trust our thoughts.
What helped me was that when the strong desire arose, I decided not to react or take action but I went for a jog instead.
After the jog, the compulsion to act was weaker, and I made a different decision. Even if you still decide to act in the same way after coming back to it, then so be it.
I can almost understand how obsessive people can be post-breakup. Although I was not obsessed to the extent of being a stalker, I could see many obsessive thoughts in me at one point in time.
Acknowledging that I needed rest and help is also important. To know that I am not in a good place now and hence to take a break from the commitments at hand.
I also realised that I needed to care for myself and to do things that made me happy.
Things that did help me were going to nature, especially going to the beach and listening to the waves was very therapeutic. Talking to family and friends or crying when you need to, listening to Dhamma talks, chanting and meditation and having adequate rest help.
In Summary
All in all, breakups suck! But Ajahn Brahm also teaches us that our life experiences are our kammic ingredients, whether good or bad. It is up to us what kind of kamma we make out of it.
Even with poor ingredients, we can still make a delicious meal. With our dog poo experiences, we can fertilise our mango tree, and it can be transformed into delicious mangoes!
And when we taste yummy mangoes, we are reminded of the dog poo in it. So when you see happy relationships, we must also remember to go – Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu, because who knows what kind of dog poo others have experienced?
Lastly, it will all pass, good or bad. And good, bad, who knows. Taking refuge in the triple gems and guarding my kamma and keeping myself close to the practice is probably what is most meaningful for me in this lifetime. That being said, a broken heart still takes time to heal. So be kind and patient with yourself and give yourself as much time as you need. Buddha bless!
Wise Steps:
Breakups suck, and acknowledging that sucky-ness is the first step to being in tune with your emotions.
Don’t believe all your thoughts! Such events can trigger different thoughts that might seem very real but actually aren’t real.
To know what you need and take part in activities that might help such as jogging, exercise, nature walks
TLDR: How can we use the Dhamma to help others going through a hard time? Cheryl suggests that we reflect on our own capacity, apply mindfulness, and cultivate compassion.
Ever found yourself struggling to help a friend in their darkest time? Have you received unsolicited advice when you’re down?
As someone who has struggled with mental health issues, receiving timely and compassionate emotional support feels like having a beacon of light shine in the darkness to guide and comfort you.
In this article, I will be sharing some ways in which we can learn and apply the Buddha’s teachings to offer better emotional support to those around us to help others find their own inner strength and resilience to navigate difficult emotions and offer support that is truly healing and transformative.
1. Pause and Reflect on Your Own Capacity
Emotional support is not just “sitting there and nodding your head.” It can be very challenging, especially in times of crisis or when dealing with difficult emotions.
Sometimes, it may also hit a raw nerve and trigger wounds that have not been healed fully especially if you are supporting someone close like a parent, sibling or spouse. Before saying yes to helping others, first, prioritise self-care and check in with yourself by asking these 3 questions.
How is my mental and physical well-being right now on a scale of 1-10?
What is my capacity to hold a space of non-judgment and understanding?
What’s my intention to help?
Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us that for one “to be of service to others, we must first learn to take care of ourselves. When our own cup is full, then only we can offer it to others.”
When we offer help from a space grounded in stability and well-being, we are offering an invaluable gift to another. A gift of presence that enables us to be fully with the depths of another person’s pain unravelling in an authentic and compassionate way.
More often than not, when we say ‘yes’ to help, it may be because we have a fear of judgment or a begrudging sense of obligation to show up. This may affect the quality of our presence and authenticity.
When you are clear about your own capacities and intentions, you can then draw boundaries that are compassionate to you and the other person. [Read: Not ghosting someone]. You can reassure them of how much you care about them, acknowledge that they are experiencing immense suffering, and importantly, iterate a commitment to getting back at a specific date or time.
Here’s a sample message that you can modify and use.
“Hey, I hear that you are suffering deeply due to [life event or stressor] and really wish that I could be there for you. However, I am feeling [What are you feeling] and I don’t feel like I can give you the support you deserve. I care for you deeply and [relationship/friendship] means a lot to me. Please allow me some time to take care of my suffering and I will be there for you as soon as I’m able to.
Can I call/text you to chat in [a specific days/hours]? Meanwhile, please take care of yourself well.”
2. Mindfulness
Another important aspect of offering emotional support from a Buddhist perspective is the practice of “mindfulness.” This involves being present in the moment and paying attention to our thoughts and feelings without judgment.
Using mindfulness, we can become more attuned to the other person’s words and body language. This can help us communicate more effectively and be more responsive to the other person’s needs. We can also respond to difficult emotions with kindness and compassion, rather than reacting in a harmful or dismissive way, offering them a safe space to be vulnerable.
More often than not, emotional support is not about fixing or solving problems, but rather about offering a safe and non-judgmental space for others to process and express their emotions. And in doing so, one can then get in touch with their inner resilience and wisdom to transform their own suffering.
Here’s a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh’s No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering, that captures this beautifully:
“The way to suffer well and be happy is to stay in touch with what is actually going on; in doing so, one will be able to go further and transform our suffering into understanding, compassion, and joy for ourselves and for others.”
To provide good emotional support, one does not need to have perfect mindfulness. Truth is, nobody is perfect (unless you are a fully enlightened being). Instead, start where you are and with what you can and continuously practice the skill. Here are 3 tips to help you incorporate mindfulness into listening (PsychCentral):
Ground yourself with a deep, mindful breath before responding.
Reflect back on what you have heard: Summarize or paraphrase what the speaker has said to show that you have understood their perspective.
Ask open-ended questions: Ask questions that encourage the speaker to expand on their thoughts and feelings, rather than closed-ended questions that require a simple yes or no answer.
Remember, mindful active listening is a skill that takes practice, so be patient with yourself and keep working at it.
Grounding yourself in compassion shifts the perspective from “I” to “You”. It’s no longer about “What can I do to support?” but rather, “What do you need to reduce your suffering?” and committing to offer that.
This is a subtle difference but one that is immensely powerful. How many times have we received unsolicited advice when it was not the right time, and how did that feel?
By cultivating compassion, we can better understand and relate to the struggles and challenges others may be facing, and offer support that is grounded in understanding and care.
When unsure, the most humbling way, is to acknowledge the uncertainty and ask “I’m not sure what can help you to feel better at this moment, can you please help me?” Or, simply, “what do you need most at this moment?” Then you can offer what is appropriate to the moment – a hug, solutions, resources or perhaps, tissue to wipe their tears away.
Sometimes, the response could be uncertain too, and that’s the perfect opportunity to offer space and sit with them in silence as they untangle their emotions.
In conclusion, providing emotional support in the Buddhist way involves taking care of oneself, being mindful, and grounding oneself in compassion to offer meaningful and supportive help to those in need, while also cultivating our own sense of compassion and understanding. This is merely the tip of the iceberg, and there are many other ways that the Dhamma can be applied to benefit others.
Want to learn more?
The Dot Connections Growth Centre is organizing a 7-module Diploma in Buddhist Psychotherapy and Counseling commencing in April 2023 to November 2023, which focuses on the practical and theoretical training in counseling therapeutic skills based on Buddhist precepts and tenets.
The course is also coupled with secular approaches to counselling and psychotherapy in dealing with the mental and emotional issues of clients. You will also get to acquire practical experience through internships with community organizations.
You may learn more here or registerhere . If you have any other questions, please contact Dot Connections by Whatsapp at 8501 4365 or via email at [email protected].
TLDR: Many of us resort to habits when we are unconscious of what arises in our minds. Being aware of the moment as it happens does help in navigating daily ups and downs.
Meditation is the household term nowadays, with various methods, teachers and even mobile apps to help anyone take on the journey within. The practice is not reserved just for the select groups as many people are welcoming to the idea.
It is the age-old method sworn off by many to help in mindfulness, mental health and spiritual journey, among many benefits. I’m not writing for or against these views, but rather to share how I have experienced it so far.
It does not have to be perfect
I, like many others, have been introduced to meditation for years now and have taken the time to sit quietly on the blocks ( the typical cushion height does not support the posture as well for me 😊) every morning and night – sometimes to contemplate, other times to just stay in silence.
Just as there are days of stillness, there are also days of a rambling distracted mind – which I have come to accept.
While I can’t say for sure whether it has been successful (how do we measure success in meditation, anyway?), the regular practices do help me to be less reactive in daily life.
Take the recent occurrence at work. A team member retorted to a question I asked out of curiosity via company internal chat, commenting that I should probably tell her exactly how she should handle the situation if I was unhappy with her way.
My first reaction was feeling surprised, then a thought “she does not have to react that way”.
A reactive me would probably take on a stance to protect the ego-personality and try to ‘put her in her place’ for being rude (notice the judgment here?).
When emotions arise, breathe
Instead, I took a couple of breaths and decided to leave the chat to attend another meeting.
I called her thirty minutes later and asked “What has happened to cause you to respond that way?”. Probably still holding on to her earlier emotions, she responded with increased intonation in her voice and started to comment on how I was, to borrow her words, being a ‘micro-manager’ and she does not agree with my view of letting the team figure things out for themselves instead of giving guidance right away.
She has called this ‘leaving them in a lurch’. A training method I had applied when training her and she felt it was wrong, considering she had felt lost and had difficulties previously.
The split-second gap in mind
During the few minutes of listening to her, I can feel the heat rising within my body and the internal push of wanting to stop her. Then another thought came into my mind “She is probably under pressure and has internalised her own experience rather than her colleagues’ actual experience”.
Once she was done, I started apologising for not realising she had felt lost before and was unable to help her alleviate the negative experience. She probably did not see it coming, considering it might not be the typical response others would give.
We concluded the conversation with acknowledgement of both of our experiences in the current conversation and agreed on the next steps that both of us are comfortable with.
This incident has highlighted to me the importance and usefulness of awareness and mindfulness I cultivated on the cushion as I go about the day – when the habit of protecting myself and shifting the blame to anything and anyone but me arises.
Keeping friendliness (Metta) in my response and intonation probably helped in preventing the situation from escalating further. After all, I can only control how I respond to the external world by taking self-responsibility for this inner journey.
Wise steps:
Meditation does not have to happen only one way, at a specific time and in a dedicated space
Rather than going on auto-pilot into our (unwholesome) habits, stop to consider what might have caused the negative response
Try to consciously maintain Metta in the mind, it might help to keep heated situations neutral
