TLDR: How often do our looks influence our self-perception? With social media becoming increasingly consumed, how does that shape our self worth? Nana reflects on her eyebrows and the Dhamma.
I do not know about you, but I have minimal eyebrows.
They are so light that it almost appears like I have none.
Eyebrow tattoos?
At work, my colleagues would constantly tease me about them, and advise me to get an eyebrow tattoo. They often discuss beauty-enhancing measures, such as botox, fat burning, nose jobs, and the list goes on.
On one occasion, I shared about this work environment with a good friend, and she reminded me to be mindful because I could get swept away by the constant association.
I secretly thought it was ludicrous; my Dhamma roots are strong and going! I will not be swayed by such comments that people make.
Eyelid stickers and the creeping vanity
Recently I learnt about eyelid stickers, which really helped me look prettier (in my humble opinion), and they became my daily use.
Not long later, as I was waiting at the MRT station I caught myself searching up eye surgeries for double eyelids! I even began noticing the fine lines across my forehead and debated the use of botox to preserve my youth.
This was something that has never crossed my mind before, not in all my 29 years of life. Yet here I was, trying to find a way to beautify myself and prolong it.
I became self-conscious of each facial imperfection which never bothered me before.
To stop me from giving in to these desires, I began observing those who are old; and I have yet to find an 80-year-old person who retains her youthful looks.
What I came to realise is, that no matter what products we apply to our faces, or the beauty enhancement procedures we undergo, physical beauty will inevitably fade.
This experience reminded me of two things the Buddha has taught:
1. Associate not with the fools, but with the wise. Who we associate with, is also what our mind associates with. This affects us in a wholesome, or unwholesome manner.
2. Constantly bring to mind, the five daily reflections; one of which is “I am subject to aging.”
After this realisation, my colleagues who talk about beauty products no longer stir my mind to seek beauty. I, instead, try to focus on building my inner beauty. To be unshaken by praise, blame, fame, disrepute, gain, loss, happiness, and sadness.
Wise Steps:
Reflect on the people you mix with for they can affect the way you view yourself
Recollecting on impermanence and ageing is a great way to overcome unhealthy obsessions with beauty
Wholesome Wednesdays (WW): Bringing you curated positive content on Wednesdays to uplift your hump day.
As July begins, it is say goodbye to the first half of the year. We look at two stories of comforting others who are griefing. We often find ourselves saying ‘My condolences’…can we do better?
1. How NOT to show empathy
2. How to write a condolence message
How NOT to show empathy
What’s going on here & why we like it
Calm Collective, an awesome Singapore mental health organisation, shares a quick guide on showing empathy and the pitfalls to avoid. This is a succinct carousel post on how we can do better when helping friends through their hardest times.
“Compare their experiences with someone else. This gives them the signal that their emotions are not important”
Wise Steps
When engaging with friends who are in tough times, whip out this post to avoid the pitfalls. Train yourself to be mindful in your responses.
Option B, an insta page dedicated to mental health shares on how we can write condolence message. Spoiler alert: It is more than saying ‘My condolences’ which tends to ring empty. We like it as it is actionable and also gives you ways to approach those who are greiving.
“Acknowledge the supreme shittiness of the situation”
Wise Steps
Apply active listening and empathy when engaging with friends who are in need of a ear. Saying filler phrases like “I am sorry for your loss” can be replaced with better phrases like “Is there anything I can do for you right now?”
What do people celebrate on Vesak Day — the Buddha’s birth and enlightenment? Little is talked about his death. Does ‘death’ have to be seen as taboo when celebrating his birthday?
TLDR: Reflecting and contemplating death can place our daily life experiences into perspective. It can give us a greater sense of purpose and makes us better, not bitter. It also prepares me for peace and acceptance when I arrive at my last breath.
“Choi! Choi!”[1] my friend exclaimed while flailing her hands at me as if shooing a bunch of mosquitoes away. Her response is a common expression we hear when we breach death, a taboo subject. So what if I’ve brought up death in our conversation?
I recall several elderly relatives avoided attending funerals of their kin as they genuinely believe they bring bad luck – and death – closer to us!
Many find death a sensitive topic and prefer to veil it from their perception when possible, hoping that somehow postpones its eventuality. The avoidance of this topic may stoke an undercurrent of anxiety and fear. Some would rather “be positive” and “look on the bright side of life” than dwell on the sombre thought of life-ending.
“When it comes, it’ll come,” we say. Death seems acceptable now because underlying that thought, a sense of invincibility churns on: that energy, health and life are with us. That death is “something that will surely come, but probably not just yet”.
The certainty of living on, of course, may not be the case.
Fragility in the face of pandemics
The Covid-19 pandemic shed light on the fragility of human health. We hear of sickness and death taking place in our vicinity (friends or family), ringing the risk (and fears) of death in our hearts and minds.
Times like these remind us that ageing, sickness and death are always around the corner. We can train ourselves to be acutely aware of their imminence, despite accompanying unpleasant emotions.
How can we overcome the anxiety and fear associated with death? According to American psychologist George Kelly, we can alter our aversion to death by building familiarity with it. It is about intentionally – more importantly, peacefully – exposing ourselves to this uncomfortable subject with daily, time-bound reflections and actions.
Those who stick with this practice are likened by the Buddha to thoroughbred horses: easily trained and spurred into action with urgency.
A more fulfilling life
The Buddha has long ‘left us’ after his pari-nibbana; have we ‘left’ his teachings behind? There are several benefits that we can derive from his experience of ‘passing away’:
1.Acceptance is easier when death comes to us or those close to us.
When I was in Ubon Ratchathani, Northeastern Thailand, for a short stint, I witnessed a rural Thai funeral ritual that baffled me.
A young child was lifted into the coffin, and following tradition retrieved an object from the deceased’s head with their mouth!
Thais I saw were acquainted with death from a very young age, unflinching in their face-to-face interactions with a dead body. However, I observed that some ethnic Chinese would turn their backs toward the coffin as it is being lifted onto a hearse. Alas, this aversion to death!
Unsurprisingly, Thais I have met in these villages tend to be more spiritually inclined. They have a more positive outlook and go about their days with few complaints.
When speaking to the elderly womenfolk, they talk about pain in their legs with such a light-hearted demeanour: “It’s part of life, isn’t it?”
“It’s part of ageing”, they laughed.
Some of us would have been fraught with annoyance, and scour the land for the best physicians to remove their pain. Like Kisa Gotami who pleaded with the Buddha to remove the suffering that came from her son’s death, she ultimately realised the futility of her quest lay in her misunderstanding of the true nature of the human condition.
Whatever arises, passes away.
Thus, by acquainting ourselves with the nature of life and death, we are mentally prepared when it happens to us or those close to us. A calm and collected acknowledgement of the situation settles our hearts, allaying panic, shock and despair. “Indeed, death has arrived”, we will reflect, just as we have been reflecting everyday.
2.We focus on things that really matter.
Contemplating death helps us focus on the essentials. We are not as easily swept away by our fleeting youth (doing foolish things because we are young), health (sleeping late), or life (thinking that “next year I will…”).
Indulgences can take the form of an intoxicant. We can lose clarity of what matters in life, by pursuing fast cars, fashion bags, eating late oily suppers, and planning 10 years ahead as if life is certain.
As a means of surviving the mundane world, building wealth can be broken down into several parts including (1) being diligent in our education to acquire necessary skills, (2) further education to apply critical thinking, collaborating with others and other such soft skills, and (3) building our careers to earn a living.
We can avoid squandering away our wealth by avoiding constant drunkenness, refraining from roaming the streets at unseemly hours that expose us to theft, habitual partying, compulsive gambling, foolish companions and laziness
Living the virtuous life
My spiritual practice revolves around the cultivation of skillful habits of the body, speech and mind. I have found that splurging my youth on chasing illusory sensuality tends to be unfulfilling. I would rather spend my energetic days, building my resolve and strength to overcome challenges and build positive habits.
Considering how precious rebirth as a human is (the probability of being born as a human being is extremely small in Buddhist cosmology), I seize every moment as an opportunity to grow wholesomeness and skillfulness.
3. We don’t take things for granted
If today were my last day, what would I say to my family and friends? Take every opportunity to express gratitude and appreciation. Resolve conflicts.
Ask for forgiveness as soon as you can. Avoid saying or doing anything to others that we would later regret.
Having no regrets or remorse is one of the greatest treasures that we can acquire. As the Buddha described, “one without regret need not wish ‘may I have joy, may joy arise in me’. It is natural that joy arises in one without regret”.
A deep quiet sense of joy that is solid and unperturbed by the vicissitudes of life.
At the end of a busy day, I dedicate time to settle my mind and pay my respects to the important figures guiding my life:
Buddhaṃ vandami
My deepest reverence to the Buddha.
Dhammaṃ vandami
My deepest reverence to the Dhamma.
Sanghaṃ vandami
My deepest reverence to the Sangha.
Achariyanaṃ vandami
My deepest reverence to my teachers.
Mata-pitunaṃ vandami
My deepest reverence to my parents, both in this life and in the past.
As I bow low to these important figures in our lives, I reflect on the day that I have spent. If I have spent the day usefully, filling it with goodness, I can go to sleep with a deep sense of ease.
Vesak, Death, and beyond
Every year when we celebrate our birthday, an anniversary or an important event like Wesak Day, we have the opportunity to reflect on his passing.
We can ponder “As death approaches us day by day, why do we not water the seeds of spiritual growth in our hearts?” This phrase helps to stir urgency for me to focus on what is crucial and discard what is not.
By bringing death closer to us, may we all live a more purposeful and meaningful life.
[1] A Cantonese expression to ward off bad fortune, a coarser resemblance of the expression “touch wood”.
Wise Steps:
Find a mantra to anchor you in the present (it need not be death related but something that clears procrastination.)
When I witness the death/funeral of strangers, I can remind myself of the spiritual urgency of living a life with purpose.
TW: This article contains content about sexual assault and suicide ideation.
TLDR: Taking refuge in the triple gem can guide us to safety. To be at peace at whatever hardships life may throw at us. While sharing metta to ourselves might be the hardest, it is necessary for us to heal and grow over our wounds.
Poem of contemplation:
Knowing I’m not perfect
Whatever that can be suffered, I have endured.
Life oh life
Have you had enough?
Are you satisfied?
Don’t you find yourself annoying?
Always testing my tolerance
Why is it so tough?
I have never asked for happiness
Neither do I expect a miracle
I just hope some nights
I’m able to have some peace and contentment
And some hope to go through the next day
I’ve never cried because of my self-pity
neither do I expect a happy ending
I don’t even cry to make myself feel better
Guilts are redundant
It won’t change into happy endings
I’m not a greedy person
I’ve never asked for more than I needed
I have already surrendered to pain or sorrows
I will not reciprocate the phenomenon that life promises
I’ve always disdained the result
only ask for the consequences
Ending myself won’t get me anywhere either
I will not feel sad for what I never once had
I just ask for one night where
I can be more hopeful
And be left alone
Where Dhamma is by my side
Drowning
If I wanted to drown myself in the sea, I would, but ever since I took refuge in the triple gems, after all these struggles and all the silence through these years, I simply don’t want to do that anymore.
It’s hard to breathe even when I’m not drowning, but I have enough of it now, I want to live, I want to breathe harder and I want to do something meaningful in this life and I will walk away from the sea to climb up the mountain. Any darkness, any uncertainty however fluid and however dangerous, the triple gems will lead me and take me in hand.
The beginning of physical & mental pain
Something is not right.
I woke up with pains in my butt, anally. I remember last night, I was invited to a house party and with a few drinks, I was feeling dizzy. Something was in my drink, but it was too late. I’m so lost, confused and can’t wrap my head around what had happened.
I got dressed immediately, saw a few men asleep on the floor but I ignored them, and rushed for the door. That was 7 years ago, I never told anyone what had happened until recently.
I put on a brave front, pretending nothing happened but in my heart, I blamed myself.
I felt ashamed and responsible for not taking better care of myself.
There are so many possible scenarios I could think of why this shouldn’t have happened to me if I…
I could have also exposed the ones who did this to me, I swear with my character, I would have made them pay for it, but time wasn’t on my side, I have to catch a flight the next day.
As I’m a foreigner travelling, I figure how complicated legally I will have to get involved. I anticipate the overwhelming emotions I’ve to undertake, that scares me and I’m a coward I know but I felt like I wasn’t ready to confront them.
I was also distraught and feeling disgusted, I wanted to leave that godforsaken country as soon as possible.
The questions that flood my head
Why me? Why? I have asked myself many times. I have enough of asking, and what happened has happened.
I’ve stopped asking questions that don’t come with any answers. There is only one thing I’m sure of, knowing what I should do next and how I respond to this adversary.
I need to get a blood test. It takes time for the body to make antibodies after it is exposed to HIV, and different people make antibodies at different rates.
The window period for antibody tests is between 3 weeks and 3 months. Up to 95% of people will have antibodies after 6 weeks, and 99% of people will have antibodies after 3 months.
I waited for a 3-month period to get tested. That probably is the darkest time of my life. That anxiety that keeps building up is killing me. Like a prisoner in the dark cell, trapped within the 4 walls.
Trying to scream but no sounds can come out.
When I closed my eyes, I saw the ugliness and bad things that had happened. My pain and sufferings, who can I relate to? All this is just a battle I’m fighting inside myself. Regardless of winning or losing, it all seems ridiculous.
The test
The day had arrived. Here I was at the clinic waiting nervously, a volunteer working in the Anonymous HIV Test Clinic had taken my blood for testing.
I know it is not over yet, emotionally I’m still haunted by what those bastards had done to me, but I also know it could get much worse.
Everyone said being positive is a good thing, but for me, being positive is the worst thing that could ever happen to me.
It’s like you got hit by the bus and a motorcycle ran over after. I went into a room and this kind gentleman was trying to break the news to me. My nightmare becomes real, the blood test result was out.
I’m HIV positive.
I’ve prepared for this to happen, yet I still can’t believe it when it happens, but there is a voice in me that says keep it together.
Even in my darkest moments, when I felt the most challenged, I often found a glimpse of light that can warm my heart from the Buddha’s teaching.
Facing my ugly pain & suffering head-on is the fundamental Buddhist way that has always kept me going. I must find a way to cope with it.
The Healing Begins
Regardless of how I have suffered, the happiest thing I have ever come across is the teachings of the Buddha.
Silly me, coping doesn’t resolve my pain; it merely distracts me from it. The first step to healing my pain is to stop coping with it and start being with it. It hurts, but it needs to be acknowledged.
The more I run away, the further I get from acknowledging my pain and misery. This is the Buddha’s first noble truth: acknowledging the suffering. Why haven’t I learnt it, especially since I know it by heart? How can I heal the sorrow that I haven’t identified? Similarly, the Buddha taught me that through acknowledging one’s suffering, they open the door to alleviating it.
By three things the wise person may be known. What three? He sees a shortcoming as it is. When he sees it, he tries to correct it. And when another acknowledges a shortcoming, the wise one forgives it as he should. ~ Anguttara Nikaya I – 103
Forgiveness, that is what I need. Once I’ve acknowledged my pain, I need to generate more loving-kindness for myself so I can forgive myself.
It is not possible to have sunshine without the rain, smiles with no tears. By the laws of the universe, there is an inevitable polarity we must all experience.
How can I possibly forgive myself if I don’t forgive others first?
I stop focusing on what others have done to me unfairly gradually and try to accept it. Forgive them, I find myself with less hatred.
When I accept other people’s mistakes repeatedly, I realize that I can also accept my own mistakes in the end. Since forgiveness starts within me, it is imperative to start the process of forgiveness from the inside out.
Acceptance
When we do something wrong, we have two choices: change the situation or accept it. In Buddhism, this is referred to as right action and right view under the teachings of Noble Eightfold Path. If there is something we can do to change the course of things, we should take the right action or practice till we get it right. However, if we can’t change anything, we should practice the right view, which means looking at the situation in a new light.
Non-acceptance often leads to feelings of guilt and frustration. We should accept that we are human beings with emotions that often lead us to ignorance.
It is because of our ignorance that we might commit mistakes. But, if we shed light on our ignorance, we can transform it into wisdom and learn from our mistakes.
Sending loving kindness to myself
In the past, when I dwell on the past and constantly analyze a situation, I might somehow be able to overcome it. Sadly, It never works that way, instead, it chained me to the past with torments. The past is gone, but my mind keeps it alive.
Mentally revisiting a situation repeatedly only causes more suffering — it doesn’t solve anything. Instead of holding on to these dark memories, meditation is a way to look inward and get to know what’s happening inside my mind.
By seeing through the self-generated feelings and emotions, I learn to let go.
I began meditating, as best as I could and doing it daily. Loving-kindness meditation is one of the meditations I practice often.
Keeping my eyes closed, thinking of a person close to me who loves me very much. It could be someone from the past or the present; someone still alive or who has passed; it could be the Buddha or my mother. Imagine that person standing by my side, sending me their love, sending me wishes for my wellness, for my health and happiness. I could feel the kindness and warmth coming to me closely. That gives me the strength to carry on living.
May I live with ease, may I be happy,
may I be free from pain.
May I live with ease, may I be happy,
may I be free from pain.
May I live with ease, may I be happy,
may I be free from pain.
Acknowledge the sufferings, accept it, forgive myself, and most of all, send loving-kindness to myself and let the Buddha’s Dhamma guide me.
No matter how many years I have suffered, the best thing that happens to me is I have Dhamma by my side.
Handful of Leaves and Kusala Mag are in collaboration to share Inspiring stories sprinkled with Buddhist wisdom.Check out the latest edition!
Wholesome Wednesdays (WW): Bringing you curated positive content on Wednesdays to uplift your hump day.
2 stories for you today!
January has “passed away”, how has the first month been? January was also a month that marked the passing of Ajahn Chah, a famous Thai Forest Monk. We share a story of his teaching and a simple picture on spring cleaning!
1.Our real home: Ajahn Chah’s encouragement for a dying disciple
2. Spring cleaning our social media
Our Real Home: Encouragements for a dying disciple
Unsplash
What’s going on here
Ajahn Chah, a renowned Thai forest monk, gives encouragement to a lay disciple that was passing away. He beautifully encourages the person to be fearless as life ebbs away. It is worth a listen and read especially for those of us who are with someone facing death.
Why we like it
Ajahn Chah uses the nature of things to skillfully cast out fear for his disciple. He makes you ponder deeper about where our true home is. We can spend this year chasing the external material stuff or this year developing ourselves. We are often paralysed when loved ones are diagnosed with a terminal illness or facing their end. Hence, this provides a balm to the questions we might have about dying.
“The river that must flow down the gradient is like your body. Having been young your body has become old and now it’s meandering towards its death. Don’t go wishing it was otherwise, it’s not something you have the power to remedy. “
Wise Steps
Where is our real home? Are we developing it daily or are we putting energy into things that eventually fall apart? By reflecting deeper, may you find the energy to develop your mind for the rest of the year!
@peopleiveloved draws a simple image of housecleaning our lives.
Why we like it
A short simple image to remind us to let go of things that no longer uplift our mind. The acquaintances or influencers whom we follow and feel jealous about.
“Housecleaning. I used to want to know… now I am not so sure.”
Wise Steps
Check your social media feed! Are there people you follow that makes you feel inadequate and demotivated? It might be time to unfollow!
