TLDR: Discussing funeral arrangements isn’t just about logistics; it’s an opportunity for a deeper connection. Discover how to turn an awkward conversation into a meaningful exchange about life and legacy.
As young Buddhists in Singapore and Malaysia, we often find ourselves caught between tradition and modernity. One area where this tension is particularly evident is in discussing end-of-life matters with our parents.
While it’s a sensitive topic, having open conversations about funeral rites can be both practical and spiritually meaningful.
The Taboo of Death Talk
In many Asian cultures, talking about death is considered inauspicious or even disrespectful. We might worry that bringing up the subject will upset our parents or invite bad luck. This cultural taboo can lead to avoidance, leaving important decisions unmade and potentially causing stress during an already difficult time.
However, as Buddhists, we understand that death is a natural part of life. The Buddha taught that all conditioned things are impermanent, and accepting this truth can bring peace and clarity. By discussing funeral rites openly, we honour our parents’ wishes and ensure that their passing aligns with their spiritual beliefs.
Why It’s Important to Have the Conversation
It’s crucial to have these conversations for several reasons. Firstly, it allows us to respect our parents’ wishes, ensuring their preferences are honoured.
Open communication can also reduce family conflict during an emotionally charged time. Moreover, it enables better financial planning, as funerals can be expensive. I recalled a friend’s ugly family incident when his grandfather passed away.
The family members were debating if he was Buddhist or not and hence, which coffin and rites to do for him. The final outcome? A funeral so watered down that it had little to no semblance of respect for the great man he was. Everyone wanted to be politically correct and not do anything religious. My friend was sure that Ah Kong would have enjoyed some good chanting at his funeral.
From a Dhamma perspective, discussing funeral rites can be part of a broader conversation about mental readiness, which is important in Buddhist practice.
It preps the mind for the inevitable and the Buddha often reminded his disciples to recollect death as often as they could. For it one recollects the ephemeral nature of life, why hold on to anger and regret?
Ultimately, knowing that arrangements are in place can provide peace of mind to both parents and children.
Skillful Ways to Approach the Topic
When approaching this sensitive topic, there are several ways we can try to reach a good conversation and understanding.
1. Choose the right moment: Look for natural openings in conversation, perhaps after attending a funeral or when discussing a relevant news story on the death of someone in their age category. The suddenness of that person’s death can be a good opening.
2. Start with your plans: Share your thoughts about your funeral arrangements. This can make the conversation feel less targeted. You can also share a random auntie’s or friend’s musing about their funerals to also open up on the topic. Delving too much on your funeral plans might make the conventional parent worried about your mental state.
3. Frame it positively: Emphasise that you’re asking because you care and want to honour their wishes. One can liken it to travel planning. “It’s similar to planning an important trip. We wouldn’t embark on a trip without preparation. So why should we approach life’s final journey any differently.” If your mother or father likes cooking you can try “Think of this discussion as creating a family recipe book. We’re preserving important traditions and preferences for future generations.”
4. Be patient: If they’re not ready to talk, don’t push. Let them know you’re open to discussing it when they feel comfortable.
5. Apply Dhamma teachings: Remind them of the Buddha’s words on impermanence and the importance of mindful preparation. Talking about death will not make it come faster. Rather, avoiding talking about it will make us live less fuller.
6. Involve Sangha or spiritual leader: If your parents are more comfortable talking with a religious figure, consider arranging a meeting with a monk or nun or a spiritual leader from their faith.
Key Points to Discuss
When you do have the conversation, here are some important aspects to cover:
1. Type of ceremony: Traditional Buddhist rites, modern adaptations, or a mix?
2. Cremation or sea burial or memorial garden: What’s their preference, and why?
3. Location: Where would they like the ceremony to be held?
4. Specific rituals: Are there particular prayers or practices they’d like included?
5. Personal touches: Any special music, readings, or objects they’d like incorporated?
6. Donations: Would they prefer donations to a temple or charity in lieu of flowers?
7. Post-funeral rites: Discuss preferences for any subsequent ceremonies or memorials.
Making It a Meaningful Conversation
Remember, discussing funeral rites isn’t just about logistics. It’s an opportunity for deeper connection and spiritual reflection.
Use the conversation to share memories, and talk about family history, and cherished moments. Express gratitude for all your parents have done for you.
Explore the beliefs and principles they hope to pass on and let them know you’ll honour their legacy. This is also a chance to learn from their wisdom, so ask about their life experiences and insights.
Conclusion
Breaking the taboo around discussing death and funeral rites is a challenge, but it’s one worth taking on. As young Buddhists, we have the opportunity to blend respect for tradition with practical foresight. By approaching the topic with sensitivity, patience, and an open heart, we can turn a potentially awkward conversation into a meaningful exchange that brings us closer to our parents and deepens our understanding of life’s journey.
Remember, the goal isn’t just to make plans, but to create an atmosphere of openness and acceptance around one of life’s most significant transitions. In doing so, we honour our parents, our cultural heritage, and our Buddhist teachings on mindfulness and impermanence.
P.S. Need help navigating that crucial discussion? Reach out to me for a chat!
Wise Steps:
Plan your funeral rites first so that you can experience the process yourself.
Express empathy to let them know you understand this topic is uncomfortable for them, but reassure them that you’ll navigate it together because it leads to a meaningful outcome.
Parents may answer some, but not all, of the questions, and that’s okay. Sabai sabai…
TLDR: Allen reflects on his experience in trying to understand a sutta, covering the importance of appreciating them in its totality with its context and character while being patient in coming to one’s own interpretations.
This is a little record of my journey with a short sutta in the Therigatha (Verses of the Elder Nuns). You can take it as a commentary, written in the year 2025 though I’m no Budhagosha.
Your writer here is merely a wanderer trying to make sense of the world through reason, and increasingly through faith. So as much as the following words are not from a well-learned monk, are not a few words inspired by the Dhamma still worthy of attention? If you judge it to be so, then let’s go on this short journey in my struggle with a sutta that is only five stanzas long.
Here I am, reflecting on one of the suttas which I could make no head or tail for a few days.
I woke up today with an intuitive appreciation of the sutta. It’s 5.30 a.m., and it’s becoming clearer now–how could I have missed it? Having mulled over it for a few days with not much progress, I would like to document the experience here in the hopes that it could be a reminder to me (and possibly you) on how best to approach the suttas. Let’s dive in.
Three days ago, in the midst of doom scrolling, I came across the Therigatha of Patacara, and found myself a little dumbfounded by its meaning. The story described how she achieved a mind of stillness after washing her feet and noticing the water flowing and eventually attained enlightenment.
HUH? Why? How? Sure, I’ve been to zen gardens with flowing water,–it’s peaceful not doubt. But enlightenment? Really? Meanwhile, I see water flowing every day, and here I am, still tangled up in my defilements.
So I went back to the sutta again;
“Having washed my feet,
I took note of the water,
seeing the foot-washing water
flowing from high ground to low.
My mind became serene,
like a fine thoroughbred steed.
Then, taking a lamp,
I entered my dwelling,
inspected the bed,
and sat on my cot.
Then, grabbing the pin,
I drew out the wick.
The liberation of my heart
was like the quenching of the lamp.”
Patacara said that observing the water brought a sense of peace. She then carried that peace, along with a lamp into her hut and meditated.
That was when she attained Nibbana. So perhaps this is a teaching on the skillfulness of seizing moments of peace and practising when the opportunity arises. Or perhaps it was about working with the presently arising conditions. But again, something felt missing.
A day later, amongst friends in the Dhamma, we ended up discussing Patacara. Naturally, yours truly brought her up, along with my frustration from not understanding her and her plain observation of water. Maybe I just don’t understand women. Maybe I should read the Theragata instead.
One of my friends asked who Patacara was. In the midst of my lamenting about how “easily she attained Nibbana, just by watching the water flow”, the story of her life flowed out of me. Let’s segue into that!
The story, her story
So, I recounted to my friends the story of Patacara – a woman who, upon the impending delivery of her second child, decided she should stay with her parents whom she ran away from, having eloped with an unapproved love interest.
During their journey home, the pregnant Patacara, her husband and her son, were caught in a heavy storm, forcing them to stop for the night. While they rested, her husband went off to gather wood and materials to build a shelter–but he was bitten by a poisonous snake! He had ONE task.
Anyway, imagine having to give birth in a forest while waiting for your man, only to realise that he was never coming back. She traced his steps with her two kiddos in tow and found his lifeless body. Devastated but determined, she decided to continue on her journey regardless.
To get home, she had to cross a river. Feeling too weak to carry both her newborn and her firstborn at once, she came up with a plan. She carried the baby across first, placing him on a makeshift bed of leaves and grass before heading back to fetch her eldest.
Waddling back through the river to retrieve her firstborn, a hawk swooped down and snatched her newborn. Wehhh. Patacara waved her hands and shouted to scare the bird away, which her firstborn on the riverbank took as a signal for him to come to her. Tragically, the child was swept away by the river’s strong current from the recent storm.
The scene of a flustered widow standing helplessly in the gushing river seemed like the perfect metaphor for her internal turmoil. She was all alone, beaten helplessly by the raging river of her thoughts and emotions.
Still, she trudged on and made her way home, only to find her parents in a funeral pyre. Guess what? They died due to the collapse of their house the day before. That was one hell of a shitstorm. She collapsed and was in ruins, akin to the state of the house she grew up in. She was more than depressed, she was hysterical from that day on.
The Buddha, in his boundless compassion, saw her suffering, clothed her and offered her shelter, even though society shunned her for being deranged. This was the turning point in her journey to reclaim herself.
The end
OK having looked at her history, we now have a better sense of the person who uttered it. It came from someone who has experienced a deep sense of loss and suffering and found refuge in the Dhamma.
Reading the sutta in its entirety
I continued to marinate with Patacara’s verses after that day of venting my frustrations about her.
As I read and reread the sutta, I realised that my focus was mainly on the second half of the sutta which was where she attained enlightenment. Naturally, we all want to get to that state, so my mind was trying to find the proximate causes – was it the water, the lamp? – and neglecting the verses in their entirety. In essence, I was skipping to the back of the book, looking for the answer key.
If we were to read the first two stanzas, we see a very different Patacara. She was feeling quite dejected because she has not progressed in her path. She compared herself to lay people, marvelling at how easily they seemed to find success while she struggled.
“Plowing the fields,
sowing seeds in the ground,
providing for partners and children,
young men acquire wealth.
I am accomplished in ethics,
and I do the Teacher’s bidding,
being neither lazy nor restless—
why then do I not achieve quenching?”
She spoke of men farming; ploughing and sowing and how that led to wealth. She then compared it to her conduct and sincerity in the practice, and yet it did not lead to Nibbana. There seems to be a tension in how she laments her own progress. A sense of frustration akin to what I felt in not understanding these stanzas, but I feel like I’m getting close. I decided to let it rest and go to bed.
Linking it all together
Now here we are, I was up before the sun. I felt naturally awoken, with the sutta being the first thing on my mind. Of course! I got a glass of water (yes I saw the water flow though I continued to remain unenlightened), and went to my laptop, typing away:
“Why have I not attained Nibbana?” She asked. The critical self is almost second nature.
On seeing the water of the footbath flow, she was reminded of the day, the rain and the river. She must have recounted the joys of her life, swept away by the same but different water. The water, flowing from high to low, was conditioned by the incline. This is dhammatā is it not? This is the natural law.
All that is, has a cause. All that is caused will end when the causes cease.
Her husband who died seeking shelter for her, the death of her children through her desire to continue the journey, and the question of why she did not visit her parents sooner – all these thoughts of guilt must have weighed heavily on her. How did they arise? The guilt too was conditioned, inclined by the happenings of her life and the choices she had made.
And the futility and frustration towards her practice seem a bit more tolerable. Why compare herself with the people gathering wealth? They go through a different set of conditions, they lead a different life, each with its own flow.
Almost as if she unclenched her comparing mind, she saw that the path was in letting go. Much in the same way the water flows from high to low, where is the control? The conditioned reality is to be accepted. Oh, how the Buddha’s teaching is so true.
With guilt softened, comparisons ended, and the self-imposed expectations put to rest, the heart naturally comes to ease. With the approaching night, I like to think that these were her final thoughts before she uttered one of the most inspiring Verses of the Nuns recorded in the suttas;
“Let this lamp be my friend and let’s practice a bit more. I’ll make my bed just in case, but for now, let’s watch the naturalness of this conditioned life.”
–
“Plowing the fields,
sowing seeds in the ground,
providing for partners and children,
young men acquire wealth.
I am accomplished in ethics,
and I do the Teacher’s bidding,
being neither lazy nor restless—
why then do I not achieve quenching?
Having washed my feet,
I took note of the water,
seeing the foot-washing water
flowing from high ground to low.
My mind became serene,
like a fine thoroughbred steed.
Then, taking a lamp,
I entered my dwelling,
inspected the bed,
and sat on my cot.
Then, grabbing the pin,
I drew out the wick.
The liberation of my heart
was like the quenching of the lamp.”
Wise Steps:
Sit with confusion: Allow yourself time to process difficult teachings without rushing to conclusions
Share your struggles with fellow practitioners: Discussing challenging teachings with others can provide new perspectives
Avoid comparing progress: Remember each person’s spiritual journey is unique. Patacara learned to stop comparing her progress with laypeople’s material success
TLDR: Most people avoid thinking about death, but Buddhists embrace it. Learn why contemplating mortality is considered the supreme mindfulness meditation.
TW: This article contains content focused on dying, death contemplation, and the end of life.
One day, we are all going to die.
How does being reminded of the above make you feel? I remember reading a Peanuts comic strip of Charlie Brown lamenting to Snoopy, “Some day, we will all die, Snoopy!” Snoopy replied, “True, but on all the other days, we will not.”
People usually do not want to think or talk about death. Consciously or unconsciously, we have a fear of death, a tendency to avoid thinking about it, and a reluctance to come face to face with this reality of life.
“The idea of death, the fear of it, haunts the human animal like nothing else,” wrote American cultural anthropologist, Ernest Becker in his book, The Denial of Death.
i. Only 50% of Singaporeans have ever talked about death and dying with their loved ones.
ii. Only 36% feel comfortable talking about their death.
Such mentality is similar in Western societies like Britain where a ComRes survey in 2014 found that eight in ten British people are uncomfortable talking about death, and only a third have written a will.
A student shared with me his experience attending a wake. He took only one look at the deceased’s face in the glass-covered coffin and that was enough for him to have a nightmare of ghosts haunting him that very night.
What is the Buddhist perspective of death?
According to the Buddhist perspective, death is not a subject to be shunned and avoided. It is by understanding death that we come to understand life and its impermanence. The Buddha highly encouraged the practice of mindfulness of death. A Buddhist quote echoes that: “Of all the footprints, that of the elephant is supreme. Similarly, of all mindfulness meditations, that on death is supreme.”
This practice of mindfulness of death is known as Marananussati Bhavana. To practise it, one must at stated times, and also every now and then, return to the thought “death will take place”.
The Visuddhi Magga, written by 5th Century Buddhist Scholar Buddhaghosa, teaches that to obtain the fullest results, one should practise this meditation with mindfulness, a sense of urgency, and understanding.
In the Anguttara Nikaya, the Buddha said, “Oh Monks, there are ten ideas which if made to grow, made much of, are of great fruit, of great profit for plunging into Nibbana, for ending up in Nibbana. Of these ten ideas, one is death.”
Contemplation on death and other forms of sorrow such as old age and sickness can drive us to practise and ultimately lead to liberation from the cycle of birth and death. Indeed, it was said that the sight of an old man, a sick man, a dead man, and an ascetic propelled Prince Siddhartha to renounce everything and embark on a journey that ended in the attainment of Buddhahood.
Contemplating Death
Contemplating death is such a useful and transformative practice, bringing about the following benefits as stated in the Visuddhi Magga:
“The disciple who devotes himself to this contemplation of death is always vigilant, takes no delight in any form of existence, gives up hankering after life, censures evil doing, is free from craving as regards the requisites of life, his perception of impermanence becomes established, he realises the painful and soulless nature of existence and at the moment of death, he is devoid of fear, and remains mindful and self-possessed. Finally, if in this present life he fails to attain Nibbana, upon the dissolution of the body he is bound for a happy destiny.”
Thus, mindfulness of death purifies the mind and has the effect of reducing our fear and discomfort of death. In the last moments of our lives, it helps us to face the situation with calm and understanding.
A student shared that by asking himself what matters on the last day of his life, many concerns, problems, and worries become insignificant, as they are put in the proper perspective.
Hence, it is said in the Visuddhi Magga, “Now when a man is truly wise, his constant task will surely be this recollection about death, blessed with such mighty potency.”
The science of facing death
Scientific studies also suggest that contemplation of death can produce beneficial effects. A 2007 study conducted by the University of Kentucky found that “thinking about death fosters an orientation toward emotionally pleasant stimuli.”
The study, conducted by researchers Nathan Dewall and Roy Baumeister, concluded that “death is a psychologically threatening fact, but when people contemplate it, apparently the automatic system begins to search for happy thoughts”.
In Bhutan, which is often regarded as one of the happiest countries in the world, there is a folk saying that goes, “To be a truly happy person, one must contemplate death five times daily.”
Are you ready to think about your death more often? Remember: One day you will die.
“People go through life blindly, ignoring death like revellers at a party feasting on fine foods. They ignore that later they will have to go to the toilet, so they do not bother to find out where there is one. When nature finally calls, they have no idea where to go and are in a mess.”
~Ajahn Chah
Wise Steps:
Start small: Begin by dedicating a few minutes each day to contemplate your mortality.
Reflect on life’s priorities: Ask yourself what truly matters in light of your finite existence.
Discuss openly: Break the taboo by talking about death with loved ones. Initiate conversations about end-of-life wishes and experiences with family and friends.
Navigating conversations about death can be challenging, especially with ageing parents. In this poignant episode, Sis. Sylvia Bay, esteemed Dhamma Scholar shares insights on how to approach the topic of death with our parents, particularly in cultures where discussing death is considered taboo:
🕊️Learn when is the best time and ways to discuss death with loved ones.
😔How to address feelings of regret and inspire ongoing positive actions in your loved ones.
🌱Understand the comforting concept of rebirth can transform the way we view death and mortality.
About the Speaker
Sylvia Bay has been dedicated to the study and practice of Buddha’s teaching since 1992. She graduated with a B.A. (Hons) First Class, in Buddhist Studies, from the Buddhist and Pali University of Sri Lanka in 2000 and joined the teaching staff of the Buddhist and Pali College (Singapore) in 2001. Since 2002, Sylvia has also been a regular speaker on Buddhist doctrine, Buddhist history, and the practical application of the Buddha’s teachings in daily life, at the invitation of various Buddhist organisations in Singapore. She published her first book in May 2014: the 1st volume of a 2-part series on the life of the Buddha which is titled, “Between The Lines: An Analytical Appreciation of Buddha’s Life”. Volume 2 was launched on Vesak day of year 2015. Sylvia also holds a B.Soc.Sci (Hons) from NUS and a Masters in International Public Policy (M.I.P.P) from School of Advanced International Studies (SAIS), Johns Hopkins.
Key Takeaways
Timing and Approach in Discussing Death
Sis Sylvia emphasises the importance of timing and a gentle approach when discussing death with aging parents. It’s crucial to choose moments when they are emotionally stable and receptive, avoiding sensitive occasions like birthdays or festive seasons. The conversation should be approached with love and care, using questions to encourage them to open up about their fears and emotions.
Spiritual and Philosophical Perspectives
Sis Sylvia discusses Buddhist beliefs about death and rebirth, highlighting how these teachings can provide comfort and acceptance. The concept of rebirth is presented as a continuation rather than an ending, akin to going on a journey where preparations are necessary but not fearful. This perspective helps in easing the fear of mortality and allows for a smoother transition.
Letting Go as an Act of Love
The discussion touches on the Buddhist concept that letting go of attachment is an act of wisdom and self-love rather than abandonment. By reframing grief and attachment with wise words and understanding, individuals can mitigate their pain and focus on the positive aspects of their loved ones’ transitions. This approach encourages accepting the natural course of life while cherishing memories without clinging to them.
Transcript
Full Transcript
[00:00:00] Cheryl: Welcome to the Handful of Leaves episode. I am the host Cheryl. The guests I have today is Sister Sylvia, an experienced Dharma speaker, practitioner and scholar. She has a lot of experience in Dharma practice. So I’m very excited to invite her. Welcome Sister Sylvia.
[00:00:19] Sis. Sylvia Bay: Hello
[00:00:20] Cheryl: In a culture where it’s a choi choi choi (taboo) thing to talk about death, how can we help our parents accept their own death, especially if they feel a lot of fear? And of course, how can we ourselves have a sense of acceptance and peace with our parents aging process?
[00:00:36] Sis. Sylvia Bay: Timing is important. Don’t choose to have a conversation like this near Chinese New Year, near people’s birthday. No, no, no. When they are happy, happy, don’t go and pour cold water.
So timing is important. If they were sick, it may not be terminal, but they are in a lot of pain. When you want to have this deeper conversation, you must make sure that you do it with a lot of love. You may require some hand holding, some cuddling, you know, some petting, hugging, and you ask, what are your feelings? What are your driving emotions now? Get them to talk by asking questions. If you say, what are you afraid of? They say, I’m not afraid of anything. If they say, I don’t feel anything, it may mean they are not ready to talk.
You tell them, sometimes it feels better, it feels good. When you ask questions, you share a little bit more about what you’re experiencing. You get them to open up and tell you what are their thoughts about whatever issue, death, pain, sickness . If you perceive that they are having some emotional angst, you have that conversation. You ask them, how do they look at this? How do they feel about that? That sort of question. Open up. Then if you have a very good relationship with your parents, or at least there is trust, and they perceive that you’re someone who can understand, you’re not going to judge them. You are prepared.
Maybe you know a little bit more about that kind of thing, right? They will ask you, and this is where you will give them the facts. We believe in rebirth. We believe that when life ends, it doesn’t just end. This is our belief. We believe in rebirth and how. What is the Buddha’s Dhamma on this? Minimally, you will move on. So in a way, don’t cast it as so final. See that in a way, it’s like going on a trip. You all pack up and when you reach a certain point, you must get your bags ready. Because sooner or later, it will come. Actually, that’s my conversation with my mom. I say think of death like you’re going on a trip, but it’s a long one because eventually I will also join you.
We’ll all be going on this trip. And to make it less frightening, because mortality is scary, death is scary, when you don’t have enough information, you don’t really know how to understand the issue, it’s scary. So you get them to open up by asking questions, and then it will lead to a point where you can then say, in my belief, in my practice, this is how we understand death.
The passage of time, passage of life, when the person die, if the person had form a lot of relationship, they have done very good things. You don’t have to be perfect. We are not perfect, but you’ve done good stuff. You have been kind. Then the mind gets lighter. It feels at ease. It’s not afraid to move on.
The transition will be very smooth. Nothing to be afraid of. They just need more information.
[00:04:18] Cheryl: What if at that point what comes up is regret? Regret that they have not lived a good life or a lot of the bad things that they’ve done.
[00:04:25] Sis. Sylvia Bay: And you will say, it’s not over yet. There’s still time to go and fulfill some of the things you want to do. There’s still time. No matter how, you never know where the end point is. Unlike PSLE, there is no A star, no one’s marking you.
And so you don’t have to worry about getting a C. What we can do, we do. You have to use words like that. Use words to lift the mind, to give people back some sense of control. You cannot control the point of departure, but you can continue to build your credit score. Give people the sense that they can continue to do something, and they can! The point is they can. To feed the animals, to link with the Dhamma. Then you just focus on generosity. Tell them stories in the Dhammapada. About what generosity can do. That is why I tell people, you must know stories, you must have some understanding of the Dhamma. You want to help your parents, you cannot help without understanding. You have enough understanding, you can help. You don’t have enough understanding, how can you help? You don’t even know what to say. So there’s this cute story of how this chap in his lifetime was making simple acts of generosity.
Gave some dana, small thing, really small thing. He was like giving vegetable. Here he gave, there in the Deva realm, something was appearing for him. Mogallana asked, is it true that when you do dana, you do something good, there is reciprocity somewhere in heaven? Buddha said you were there, right? You saw. Why keep asking me? So I took away from that story. You’re not doing good deeds for the merits. You’re just doing it because it has to be done. But at the same time, because you’re talking to your parents, you must assure them that, well, these are the stories found in the canon. You can choose not to believe. That’s okay. I’m just telling you, these are the stories. They would like this kind of stories because it’s reassuring. It calms their mind. It reduces their disquiet. So it’s good, good to tell Dhamma stories. And it’s so cute as well, the story.
And you just learn them and use them when the occasion arises. You can use that. So I want to just reiterate, just repeat this point. As long as the person is alive, you can still do something. Okay, as long as the person is alive, in small measures. And I can tell you from personal experience. Sanghas are very very kind, the monastics are very kind. You tell them like someone is dying. You have never met the Sangha. You never met this chap, but you go to them and say, please, please, I need you to come and talk to my parents. They’re my mom, my dad, he’s dying and he needs help. They will come. Okay. They will come. No question asked. No money asked. Sure, sure. They come, to help. [00:08:01] Cheryl: And the Sangha is also often described as the most fertile ground for merit. Yes. And the moment that the parents can see them, they can also do a lot of good as well.
[00:08:10] Sis. Sylvia Bay: Yes, yes. Actually, specifically is the Ariya Sangha. That is the biggest ground for merits. But still, Sangha is better than nothing. Any Sangha is good enough. In fact, many Sanghas that I have met and I know they are rich fields of merits and they know it.
So that’s why they will try their best to practice well and purify this. This is the merits. This is the one. If they are very well practiced and they’re very restrained in the way they conduct themselves. They have a lot of wisdom. Oh, very meritorious. As I said, I’ve done this. I tell you a personal story.
This one concerns Bhante Buddharakkhita. Every day he is in Singapore. His appointments filled to the hilt. You know, he’s busy. Someone was dying. And very last minute I approached him. I actually stood at Buddhist Fellowship (BF) waiting for him to arrive. And then I spoke to him and told him. And he said, okay, let’s go.
And then he was reminded that, eh, Bhante tonight you got some medical appointment. And he says, no, no, no, this is more important. Helping someone when they are transiting is more important than whatever treatments that you’re talking about.
So he went. So I’m telling you, Sanghas, be it Mahayana, Theravada, local, foreign. Everyone that I know, they will go because they know this is very important.
[00:09:46] Cheryl: Selfless.
[00:09:48] Sis. Sylvia Bay: Yeah. That’s why you need to go and look after Sangha. You need to support them so that they can continue doing the good work that they are doing.
[00:10:02] Cheryl: And on the side of the children, how can they accept this as well? Because of the love and attachment, it’s going to be very painful as well.
[00:10:11] Sis. Sylvia Bay: It depends on whether the person has any spirituality. If the person is Buddhist and reasonably familiar with the Dhamma, then it’s a reminder that this is the Buddha’s teaching. Right now, very hard, very painful, because of attachment.
Actually, the death in itself is not the painful part. The painful part is your thoughts, okay? The person dies, the person will die. But your thoughts come with, I will never see this person.
Ever. My parents have gone. I’m lost. It’s words like that. That will give you grief. So you have that attachment, and then you have, what’s the narrative, right? The narrative that speaks in a certain way. Those words will increase the longing. And because of the longing and the attachment, you feel grief.
Then you need to turn it around, use different words. Your parents, if they had died of old age, and they were suffering terribly before the end, the way you should speak is, at least they are now no longer, in physical pain. They have gone off to take on new role, new cars. They bought new car already. So I like to tease my mom sometimes.
People who don’t know us would say (you’re crazy). Oh my mom and I have this good, good laugh. Your car is old, lost COE already, you know. It is tired. It is breaking down. What you want to do because I know she’s not Arahant (Awakened Being) right? What you want to do is to go change your new car, change, change, move on.
So I repeat, your tears, your angst, your pain is because of attachment. If you use words unwisely, it will increase the pain. If you use correct words, you can actually mitigate your own pain. So you kind of balance it off. My parents have suffered. If I really do love them, I should let them go. Words like that.
My father and mother had a tough life. And you know they were good people so they will be Deva born, Bhuta born. Why are you so selfish holding on to them? Don’t you want them to get like promotion? So you say words like that to calm down your longing so balance it. I miss them and I always miss them. But at the same time I do feel happy for them. You focus on that focus on the correct words.
[00:13:20] Cheryl: Can letting go be also a form of love?
[00:13:26] Sis. Sylvia Bay: I know what you’re seeing. There’s a very romantic idea.
[00:13:31] Cheryl: I’m known as the Handful of Leaves hopeless romantic.
[00:13:35] Sis. Sylvia Bay: It’s a very romantic idea. Holding on to someone is attachment. Not holding on and allowing this notion that they are no longer in pain, they have moved on, it is wisdom, not love. For you to go in that general direction, it’s practice, it’s wisdom, it’s practice. It’s not in itself an expression of love, when you are able to say, I wish you all the very best. I am sincerely hopeful that you have a good rebirth. Those words are made out of affection. It’s like you’re rooting for someone you care about. Those words are made of affection and those words can help you to let go. It’s not about love. It’s wisdom. Your listeners may disagree, but this is how I see.
[00:14:36] Cheryl: Our listeners can also share in, in the comments what you think. We would love to hear from you as well.
[00:14:42] Sis. Sylvia Bay: You see, saying the words as follows, I wish you all the very best. I wish you all well. I hope that you’ll get a good rebirth. Those words are an expression of, it’s really a reflection that you care for them. That’s why you want them to do well. But the letting go in itself, right? Like let go, that itself is not about love. It’s really about wisdom. Okay. I just repeated the same point.
[00:15:12] Cheryl: Yeah. But I’ve not lost like parents before. So I’m just thinking,
[00:15:17] Sis. Sylvia Bay: Oh, you have in other lives. Okay.
[00:15:19] Cheryl: Yeah. Many too many. But in this, I’m just, I’m just applying that to friendships, relationships on how to do that. And it’s true that I think the difficulties is the attachment and I don’t have the antidote. I don’t have the wisdom to be able to fully let go. That’s why then the struggle is there. Yeah.
[00:15:46] Sis. Sylvia Bay: You hold on to the relationship, isn’t it? When you’re holding on to a relationship, it’s not love. It’s you loving yourself. You see if I love you, I want you to love me. But actually it’s because I love me that I want you to love me. You know what I’m saying? This, this cute little exchange, it has a story.
King Pasenadi, fat king he really loved the Buddha. Every day he must go find Buddha. Once he finishes his state business, he knew that Buddha was around, he will go and visit. So one day King Pasenadi had this conversation with his favorite wife, Queen Mallika. He asked this question, who do you love the best?
He was expecting her to say, you your Majesty, right? She said, me. He was very disappointed. He was extremely upset. Then he went, I also love me the best. Then they went their separate way. That day he talked to the Buddha, he complained. So unhappy. The Buddha said, she’s very wise, you know, she’s very wise. She’s essentially saying that you will always love yourself the best. I’d love you to love me. If I say I love you, okay, and I expect that you will say you love me. Actually it’s really because I love me.
Everyone would love themselves the most. Okay. So she was right. She loves herself the most. It’s not about him. It’s just about her. Who do you love the most? You love me the most, which is correct. He got upset, right? It’s because he loves himself the most for real, not out of spite, which is for real. Maybe he doesn’t realize. He thought he was just saying it out of spite. He doesn’t have the wisdom. She had the wisdom. And honesty. And honesty. Because she was wise. She needed him. She understood. She just wanted to jolt him up. And of course, he got jolted out. He was very upset about it. So because we love ourselves so much, we want others to love us.
[00:18:02] Cheryl: But then how do we let go then? Is that where we let go of the sense of self?
[00:18:06] Sis. Sylvia Bay: You let go, okay ah, this word let go. I’m not sure if I like that word per se. You cannot hold on to the person anyway. The person passes on or the person leaves you, he leave you.
It’s his choice, okay? You are letting go of desire. You’re not letting go of him. You’re allowing your desires, your urge, your need for him to reciprocate or for your parent or your loved one not to pass on, right? You are refusing to let go of your attachment to the relationship or to the memory of the relationship.
You’re clinging onto them. Maybe, there is a part in you that is afraid that if you allow your grief to settle and allow the attachment to settle, you’re betraying that person, or you are forgetting that person. And it hurts to forget because you want not the person not to be forgotten.
Maybe there is this wrong view. It’s not a helpful view. You must understand that when a person can’t let go of another, it’s actually because the person cannot let go of the attachment to the idea. Cannot let go of his pleasure, his desires. He cannot.
He must remember that. It’s nothing to do with the other fella. The fella is moved on already. Dead or gone. It’s moved on. It’s yourself. If you can say, okay, no need to replicate that experience. No need to be in the arms of so and so. No need to call this person father, mother. He’s moved on. I accept that.
Accepting the end of a repeat of the episode. Not the memory. Memory is still there. Maybe I’m sounding a bit too deep.
[00:20:12] Cheryl: I know what you mean. It’s just need to let that sink in a bit.
[00:20:19] Sis. Sylvia Bay: Yeah.
[00:20:21] Cheryl: Hmm. Yeah, because that really changed my perspective that it’s not about the person. It’s really bringing back to our own desires, our own clinging to all those pleasures.
[00:20:35] Sis. Sylvia Bay: Correct. Absolutely. Correct. [00:20:39] Cheryl: That may be the game changer, right? Because then that’s when we stop writing about, Oh, the person’s so nice, so whatever. [00:20:47] Sis. Sylvia Bay: No, you accept that it’s over. You cannot replicate that experience, that whatever the experience is, it’s a faint version of it residing in your memory and you accept that you are okay with that.
We would always have lost someone. All of us have. I’ve lost my father, I’ve lost my, my grandparents. I have friends who have passed on. And when my friend from overseas, after the lady died, my friend and I, we went to a grave and she had a good cry because it’s a loss. It’s to know that someone you care about as a . Really good friend. We hang around and chit chat, chit chat, chit chat, right? You will never be able to repeat that episode because the third person is gone and you’re attached to the memory of it, the pleasure of it. And if you can see that it’s okay, he’s moved on, she’s moved on and is now in a better state.
It’s your love for the person, you’re wishing this person well. And then for your own part, for the love of you, you will say, I let you go. Otherwise you will be clinging and be in pain. It’s love for yourself.
[00:22:05] Cheryl: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:22:06] Sis. Sylvia Bay: Okay.
[00:22:07] Cheryl: It’s purely just suffering, right? Clinging. Yes, it’s pure Suffering. We have covered a lot in this wonderful episode talking about how we can skillfully talk to our parents about death, mortality, and that really is about getting them to open up and then sharing certain facts about death.
And then we go on to talk about love and the letting go of desire which requires self love and love for the other person as well. And so with that, we come to the end of the episode. Thank you for staying all the way to the end. And please give us a like on YouTube and share with your friends. And yeah as usual, stay happy and wise, and we’ll see you in the next episode. Thank you.
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TLDR: Ghost Month needn’t be scary. The Buddha’s teachings offer a compassionate approach to understanding and overcoming our fears.
Have you ever felt that chill down your spine during the seventh lunar month? You’re not alone. In Singapore and Malaysia, we traditionally call this time Ghost Month – when the gates of the underworld supposedly swing open, and spirits roam freely among us.
It’s a period steeped in Chinese tradition, filled with rituals and offerings, but it’s also a time when some of us are looking over our shoulders more than usual.
The stories we’ve grown up hearing about Ghost Month can really get under our skin. We find ourselves avoiding certain places or activities, tiptoeing around as if the slightest misstep might anger an unseen spirit.
The Dhamma offers us a different perspective through teachings like the Janussoni Sutta.
Understanding Our Fears
Fear is a part of being human. When it comes to Ghost Month, our fears often stem from the belief that these wandering spirits might harm us if we somehow offend them. It’s a belief deeply rooted in our culture, and it’s not easy to shake off.
Contemporary movies like Shutter/ The Ring which feature aggressive ghosts that even sit on your shoulder do not help in allaying our fears.
However, the Dhamma suggests that our fears often come from our attachment to ourselves and our dislike of suffering. When we’re afraid of ghosts, it’s usually because we see them as a threat to our well-being. But what if we could look at it differently?
A New Perspective on Ghosts
The Janussoni Sutta gives us an interesting way to think about ghosts. According to this teaching, beings are reborn based on their kamma, or intentional actions. Those who’ve accumulated negative karma might be reborn as ghosts, but – and this is important – it’s not a permanent state. It’s just a result of past actions, and it can change.
This understanding can really shift how we see ghosts, especially during Ghost Month. Instead of seeing them as malevolent beings out to get us, we can start to see them as beings who are suffering and in need of help. It’s a bit like changing our perspective from “they’re out to harm me” to “they’re going through a tough time.”
When we change our perspective, against popular culture & traditional beliefs, we open our hearts to the possibility of compassion. In the same sutta, the Buddha encouraged Janusonni (a Brahmin) to still give gifts and perform memorial rites for the dead even if none of his relatives were hungry ghosts.
Why? Because in our countless cycles of rebirth, it is impossible that none of these hungry ghosts would have been associated with us. Compassion is key.
If you would like to read more on how Buddha talked about the plight of hungry ghosts literally camping at the door of their living relatives for merits, check out Tirokudda sutta.
Compassion: The Antidote to Fear
One of the most powerful tools we have against fear is compassion. When we focus on understanding and helping others, including ghosts, we naturally become less focused on our fears.
During Ghost Month, instead of letting fear take over, we can try acts of compassion. This could be making offerings (no need for burning), dedicating good deeds to the departed ones, or even simple acts like chanting or sharing goodwill with all beings, including those in the ghost realm. It’s amazing how helping others can actually help us feel better too.
A favourite chant I like to recite 3 times is a Pattidāna chant “Idam me ñātinam hotu, sukhitā hontu ñātayo.” – “Let this merit accrue to my departed relatives; may they be happy!”.
Staying Present and Aware
Mindfulness is another great tool for dealing with fear. It’s about staying present and aware, noticing our thoughts and feelings without getting carried away by them. During Ghost Month, when our imagination might be working overtime, this can be really helpful.
Next time you’re walking past a spooky-looking alley or see a playground swing swinging itself, try this: pause for a moment and take a deep breath.
Notice what you’re thinking. Are your thoughts based on what’s really happening, or are they influenced by stories you’ve heard? By staying mindful, you can keep your fear in check and stay calm.
Hence, with your mindfulness strongly established, you can try to see things as they are. This means recognising that ghosts aren’t inherently harmful. They’re just beings caught in a difficult situation due to their past actions.
When we understand this, we can see that our fear of ghosts is often based on misunderstandings. They’re not out to get us; they’re just going through their own struggles, like all of us.
A New Way to See Ghost Month
Ghost Month doesn’t have to be a time of anxiety. By applying these Buddhist teachings, we can approach this period with compassion, mindfulness, and understanding. Instead of fearing the hungry ghosts around us, we can see this time as a chance to practice kindness and deepen our understanding of existence.
So this Ghost Month, let’s try something different. Instead of fear, let’s cultivate compassion. You might be surprised at how much peace you can find, even in the spookiest of times.
Wise Steps:
1. Acknowledge your fear: It’s okay to feel scared during Ghost Month. Recognize your fear without judging yourself, and try to understand where it’s coming from.
2. Practice compassion: Use this time to cultivate kindness towards all beings, including ghosts. Make offerings or dedicate good deeds to help ease their suffering.
3. Stay mindful: When you feel afraid, take a moment to breathe and observe your thoughts. This can help you stay calm and clear-headed.
4. Seek understanding: Learn more about what ghosts really are from a Buddhist perspective. Understanding can help reduce fear.
5. Participate in rituals mindfully: If you take part in Ghost Month rituals, do so to help spirits rather than just warding them off. This can change your whole experience.
