The 11 things I learned and “gained” from a 3-month meditation retreat

The 11 things I learned and “gained” from a 3-month meditation retreat

Editor’s note: This article is adapted from PJ’s website. Do check out his past articles on tackling the workplace over here, here, and here

On 19th October 2022, I flew back to Singapore after spending three months at my teacher Ajahn Brahm‘s retreat centre Jhana Grove and monastery in Serpentine, Western Australia.

Since then, I’ve been asked quite frequently about what I learned and “gained”, which I’ll attempt to summarize here. Below are the 11 things I’ve learnt.

(Graphic image warning: Please note that learning point 8 has a few graphic pictures of a decaying dead kangaroo. You may quickly jump to point 9 if you are easily affected.)

1. A much clearer & experiential understanding of how suffering works

Expectations, wanting, hopes, plans, etc. are a huge barrier, because of the Second Noble Truth: wanting causes suffering. During this retreat, I think I’ve let go more of the expectations & wanting to re-experience the life-changing yo-yo-jhana in 2010, which I’ve written about here and here . And if I wanted anything, whether it was the beautiful breath, or silence in the mind, or nimittas, or jhanas, that wanting always led to suffering.

So towards the end, I was deliberately cultivating the mantra of “Good enough”. Heavy rain while walking to the monastery? Good enough. Restless mind while sitting in the morning cold? That’s more than good enough!

And that really helped and worked: there was a lot less suffering when I was developing this mindset of being “contented and easily satisfied”, instead of striving with strong wants.

It’s not all perfect: there were definitely days when it felt like walking into a perfect storm. The lowest point I experienced was towards the end, on a Monday. For the whole of Monday, I struggled with a very, very restless mind: I could barely sit. It was, as Ajahn Chah (Ajahn Brahm’s teacher) described, “you can’t move forward, you can’t go backwards, you can’t stay where you are”.

I’m experienced enough to know that restlessness is the mind being discontented with the present moment experience. So I tried to make peace with the present moment experience and tried to be unconditionally kind and gentle to my own mind. That caused my mind to kinda go into a kind of split, where a less-critical, more-loving PJ was having a dialogue with a very fault-finding, very discontented PJ:

Loving PJ: There there! It’s ok to be discontented. You’re not enlightened yet!

Fault-Finding PJ: Of course it’s easy to say that!

Loving PJ: Remember Ajahn Brahm’s instructions? Just make peace with the suffering, be kind, be gentle…

Fault-Finding PJ: Of course it’s easy for Ajahn to say that! He’s the MOZART of meditation, whereas you are still playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars! You can’t even watch your stupid beautiful breath, for goodness sake!

It just spiralled downwards from there, into outright fear and despair. I was reminded of the episode in the Buddha’s passing, when his attendant Ananda cried out of despair. I understood what he felt because I felt this deep fear of what will happen when Ajahn Brahm dies? Who else can I have as a teacher I am dependent on?

And there was despair because I was nowhere close to the jhanas, which are needed to really remove the defilements. And I had so many defilements … it felt like I was tasked with using a single box of matchsticks to melt an entire iceberg or glacier.

The fear and despair was very, very real, and very, very bad: I sobbed and cried my eyes out in the shower. I don’t think I have cried like this ever since my colleague Parathy died… after I finished crying, I asked my mind what it wanted to do, and went to sit and meditate, before going to sleep. The next morning, I went to ask Ajahn for advice on how to deal with such days. 

Ajahn was so kind and compassionate… he kept saying “trust. you are so close“, and also talked about how, often, progress on the Path isn’t about more effort, but about finding the right place to perpendicularly cross the river. “And when you’re over, you’ll then realize how stupid you’ve been all this while, because you’ll look back and say ‘wait, that was it? That’s all it took?’ ” And that was all it took for me to gain back the trust, confidence, and patience to carry on.

2. A more experiential understanding of non-self”

The other learning is a more experiential understanding of non-self. Basically, I don’t really control my body or my mind: it is heavily influenced by the environment around me. The body is out of control, and the mind is out of control because they are all complex processes which have no single source of self, and where effects become causes for further effects. It’s all about putting the right causes in place, I.e. Right Motivation (Samma sankappa). A few episodes really highlighted this to me.

  1. No matter how much I tried, I could not change the fact that my body is made in Singapore, and that I struggle with the cold. Cold makes my mind restless, as I am really not made for this climate. It’s quite funny because whenever it’s cold, there is automatically a soundtrack playing in my mind (for the first two months, it was the soundtrack of Crash Landing On You, because my wife and I re-watched it before I left…). But what was even more interesting was the short spell of warm weather in late September and early October: the soundtrack playing stopped in my mind, with no choice nor force at all! So it was really caused by the cold.
  2. Physically with my body, there were a few incidents (suspect Covid; my twitching eye; body pains from sitting meditation) which drove home the point of non-self.
    From the Buddha’s second-ever discourse (Anattalakkhanasutta SN 22.59):

“(this body is not) fit to be regarded thus: ‘This is mine, this I am, this is my self’”, because “…if…(this body) were (my) self, this (body) would not lead to affliction, and it would be possible to have it of (this body): ‘let my (body) be thus; let my (body) not be thus’. But because (this body) is nonself, (this body) leads to affliction, and it is not possible to have it of (this body): ‘let my (body) be thus; let my (body) not be thus’. “

Basically, if your body was you or your self, then you would be able to compel it and control it to be well, not be sick, and to take on any shape or form you wish. Which you can’t.

3. Reduce the drivers of negative emotions

Much of Ajahn Brahm’s teachings are really about undermining and reducing the drivers for negative emotions, especially the overthinking mind that tenses up, comments, interferes, fault-finds, strives and tries, is ruthless, and seeks to control everything (especially due to fear).

If we do the exact opposite to the above verbs, those are the causes for future deep meditation and eventual liberation. So we should:

  1. Relax to the Max
  2. Disengage from commentary
  3. Don’t interfere or do anything, because it is all none-of-your-business
  4. Let the mind decide what it wants to do, rather than tell and control it
  5. Cultivate contentment: “good enough”
  6. Not try
  7. And be kind, unconditionally.

4. Cultivating the opposite of fault-finding

Ajahn Brahm once wrote that “cultivating the opposite of fault-finding is 90% of the Buddhist practice”, and this was something I realised from the three months.

It is so easy to lapse into fault-finding and criticism of everything: I could be sitting for 45 mins, watching the breath for 44 mins, and daydreaming in the last minute, and that is often enough for me to say “that was not peaceful”! This is crazy, if you think about it, because I wasn’t really looking realistically at the whole session, but only picking out the bad parts to smear the whole thing.

I think this fault-finding is due to social conditioning: it seems “smarter” to seem pessimistic, cynical, and negative (as shared in Psychology of Money: see point 7 in the original article here). This mindset is especially prevalent in Singapore, I think.

5. Systems, Not Goals

Scott Adams’ “system vs goals” came up in my mind during the retreat, and I started wondering what was my “system”, vs the “goal” of enlightenment. My system is to keep precepts, learn Dhamma, create the supporting environment for practice around me, and meditate daily. I’ll let the results take care of themselves. Some specifics that I picked up during the Rains:

  1. If the meditation was me largely “letting go, being kind and gentle”, then the meditation was a success, regardless of the results!
  2. I started debriefing myself after each meditation, as part of my “system”. I ask myself these questions:
    1. What suffering was absent? How much peace, calm & stillness was generated from the sit?
    2. Was there letting go, kindness and gentleness in the meditation, between me and the meditation object? 
    3. Which defilements were gone? Usually for me, there’s no ill will, sloth and torpor, and doubt. The usual suspects are Kama canda, and restlessness and remorse.

7. Meditation is like taking a shit

Meditation is a lot like taking a shit: there are a lot of parallels between the two.

  1. Both are non-self: in both processes, there is no single part you can point to, and say that’s me, mine, a self. There are also none of the accumulations of a self in any part of the processes e.g. ego, pride, expectations, will, etc. 
  2. Both are natural causal processes, where willpower & expectations are NOT necessary causal factors & are often counterproductive:
    1. If you’re blocked in meditation, often you need more mindfulness and kindness, to unblock yourself. If you’re blocked in shitting, often you need more fibre and water to unblock yourself.
    2. Using willpower in both cases causes haemorrhoids in your mind and in your a**
    3. Expectations in both cases are major blockers. 
  3. Both processes are about clearing their “containers” of defilements and debris: one is clearing the mind, the other is clearing the digestive system.
  4. Last but not least, the best sits and the best shits are effortless and joyful, and very healthy. 

7. Keeping Precepts is Critical

Keeping precepts is critical for progress on the Path. This is often overlooked, especially in western meditation instructions. But this importance becomes very clear when meditation deepens, and when your mind starts to reflect the spottiness of your ethical behaviour by body, speech and mind. Let me share a story about someone, whom I’ll call PJ2. Imagine that PJ2 is single, and that he once had a very, very deep meditation experience a few years ago. 

At the start of the Rains Retreat, I was discussing nimittas and jhanas with PJ2. However, as the retreat progressed, PJ2’s past caught up with him: he had not kept his precepts fully, and that caused him to feel this overwhelming sense of guilt that triggered panic attacks.

This lasted until PJ2 left, and it was very eye-opening for everyone to see how important keeping precepts are, for deeper meditation and for one’s practice.

8. Death is everywhere

Death and dying is everywhere, in the most unexpected places. In September, as a few of us returned from visiting Kusala Hermitage, it turned out that two kangaroos had been hit by vehicles just outside Jhana Grove. One of them was more decayed, while the other one was quite intact. It was very eye-opening to see the decaying and decomposition process over the weeks, which I captured by taking multiple videos and photos.

What videos and photos do not capture is the smell: that nauseating odour of death and decay, which reminds me of the very first time I smelled that odour, as a teenager helping my father clear the drowned rat stuck under our driveway.

But what the photos and videos do convey are the charnel ground descriptions in the suttas, especially the Satipatthana sutta (** CONTACT ALERT: Pics of dead things**)

Dead adult kangaroo, lying sideways on a road
The dead adult kangaroo just outside Jhana Grove

…And it had been dead for one, two, or three days, bloated, livid, and festering. They’d compare it with their own body: ‘This body is also of that same nature, that same kind, and cannot go beyond that.’ 15.1

The dead adult kangaroo had moved due to heavy rain and had decayed

Then:

…a corpse discarded in a charnel ground being devoured by crows, hawks, vultures, herons, dogs, tigers, leopards, jackals, and many kinds of little creatures. 16.2They’d compare it with their own body: 16.3‘This body is also of that same nature, that same kind, and cannot go beyond that.’ 17.1

Same dead kangaroo, much more decayed. Note how the skull has gone missing, and the skeleton has changed color.

Then:

Bones rid of sinews scattered in every direction. Here a hand-bone, there a foot-bone, here a shin-bone, there a thigh-bone, here a hip-bone, there a rib-bone, here a back-bone, there an arm-bone, here a neck-bone, there a jaw-bone, here a tooth, there the skull …

A finger fragment of the dead kangaroo by the roadside marking

Then:

Bones rotted and crumbled to powder. 30.2They’d compare it with their own body: 30.3‘This body is also of that same nature, that same kind, and cannot go beyond that.’

It is extremely sobering, especially since an adult male kangaroo is about the same size as me, to reflect that my body is truly “of that same nature, that same kind, and cannot go beyond that.”

The Sangha at Bodhinyana Monastery paying respects to the Triple Gem

9. The monastic practice is the Buddha’s Training Programme

The monastic practice set by the Buddha is THE way to get to Nibbana.  Before this Rains, I had doubts about this: what’s stopping me as a lay person from being able to practice towards liberation? But after three months, there is no longer any doubt in my mind that the Training Programme decided by the Buddha is the best bet to Enlightenment.

However, my conditions in life are such that, it has to be lay life for me, at least for a while: as a married man, I have to take care of my wife, but also have to take care of my parents and parents-in-law as they age.

10. Some observations of my fellow retreatants:

My “alms bowl” for three months, filled with food generously given by lay supporters of the monastery. Those lay supporters drove 1 hr each way to feed the monks and lay retreatants every day, for 3 months!
  1. The generosity of people is astounding.
    For three months, I was fed by other people.
    Also, this group of Rains Retreatants really were very generous with helping each other out. For example, Becky would serve Ajahn tea, but also do a lot of acts of loving kindness to others. And in turn, I saw others helping her: a number of retreatants were talking to her to give her an introduction to the suttas, just before her silent retreat. Everyone was helping each other out like one big family (e.g. Gayathri making soup for Piotr, our Polish retreatant, when he fell sick a second time), which the Jhana Grove staff observed was quite unusual to our group.
  2. There seems to be a bit of PTSD from past experiences with SN Goenka vipassana meditation: a couple of retreatants mentioned to me something along the lines of “I can’t watch the breath, because I end up trying to control it from my vipassana experience” and “I can’t watch the breath with pleasure, because my vipassana conditioning kicks in”. Which is a real pity, because the breath can be a lovely meditation object.
  3. Dhamma vitakka (thoughts of the Dhamma) as a subtle hindrance was something that came up in a sutta class taught by Ajahn Brahm, but it seems to have been rejected by a number of retreatants. This hindrance was something I saw in my own mind: at some point, I realised that reading the suttas was actually complicating my own meditation practice, because I ended up generating a lot of questions (“Am I doing X right, like in the sutta?”) which disturbed the peace of mind. So towards the end, I deliberately cut down on my reading of the suttas, and reduced my thinking on aspects of the Dhamma.

11. The Practice isn’t just about meditation

While on a day outing with Ajahn Santutthi, abbot of Kusala Hermitage, I asked Ajahn about advice on the practice, especially since I felt stuck and stagnating in my meditation depth. He gave very good advice: “the practice doesn’t end after three months”, “the practice isn’t just about meditation”, and “just develop contentment and peace.”

Which is perhaps the main takeaway I got from my three months. 

Monks from Kusala Hermitage walking in a botanical garden bed of tulips
Ep 25 | Battling stage 4 breast cancer at the age of 31 (Ft Siew Lin)

Ep 25 | Battling stage 4 breast cancer at the age of 31 (Ft Siew Lin)

About our guest Siew Lin

Steffi Chuah Siew Lin wears many hats: she’s a daughter, a marketeer, a triathlete, a swim teacher, and most of all, a breast cancer survivor. She enjoys creating content and is a big-time enthusiast of personal and human development. She hopes to be a teacher, and a mother one day. She currently lives with her mom, sister, and a dog.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Kai Xin:

Hey there, this is Kai Xin and you’re listening to the Handful of Leaves podcast, where we bring you practical Buddhist wisdom for a happier life.

Today, I’m joined by my co-host Cheryl and our guest Siew Lin to talk about the journey of battling breast cancer. Our guest Siew Lin is battling breast cancer right now, specifically stage four, which is considered terminal. And she’s very young, only age 31.

And just to give you a little background of what happened before the call so that you can appreciate the conversation much better. So, Siew Lin had very kindly agreed to be on our show. And a couple of weeks before the recording, she was going through some treatment and told us that she wasn’t emotionally at her best.

And she actually asked if we would still want to record because the episode might not be the most positive and she wasn’t sure if there’ll be any inspiring takeaways.

But Cheryl and I decided to go ahead with it, provided that Siew Lin was comfortable and she was physically okay because we believe that that’s really something we can learn from her regardless of her situation. And it turned out to be true. We have really learned so much and through editing this recording, if you just listen to the conversation over and over again, you would pick out something new to feel inspired about.

And we also didn’t want to encourage toxic positivity where, you know, you just kind of show the bright side only, and the resilience, the determination all is good. We want to show the full story, that it is a tough journey.

And every bit of the journey, the ups and downs would make a person for who he or she is and Siew Lin, the very fact that she showed up, despite the challenges that she has gone through and opened up her heart, to be vulnerable in sharing her journey, it just made me admire her so much more.

So, Siew Lin was very kind, she said yes to continuing with the episode. And to be honest, when we were having the chat, there were really a lot of emotions to process. And it was through listening to the recording again that we had more takeaways. So do stay till the very end as Cheryl and I will be reflecting on our key learnings from the conversation.

This conversation is, to me, deeply profound.

And it’s really a privilege to have Siew Lin on the show with us. So we’re going to start off with her introducing herself. Sit back and enjoy the episode.

[00:02:49] Siew Lin:

Hi, my name is Siew lin, some call me Steffi. I’m currently working in an e-commerce company and on my off days, I’m a Freelance swim teacher and I’m just reaching my second year as a breast cancer survivor.

[00:03:06] Cheryl:

Nice. Short and sweet. You share it like very briefly, but there’s so much more between these three words. Breast, cancer, survivor. Mm-hmm. Do you wanna share a little bit more about when you were diagnosed with breast cancer? And definitely, you know, give us some details about your journey.

[00:03:23] Siew Lin:

It’ll be a very long, long story about how it all started. So it went, way back in 2020, I’m not even sure if it’s considered as diagnosed as breast cancer because when I found out, in the beginning, it was when I noticed there was nipple discharge during my training in the pool.

because I was training for a swimming event, I thought it was just a normal, infection. It didn’t get better after the event. So I went for an operation, a day operation to actually seal off the nipple so that the blood won’t keep bleeding. But after that doctor came out with a report where they took a sample from the nipple during the operation to seal the nipple, so, they call it Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia. So in short term, they call it ADH. So ADH is actually a pre-cancerous condition that actually affects the cell growth in the breast to grow abnormally. So it’s not cancer yet, but it has a higher chance of getting breast cancer. So at that point in time I was like, oh, okay.

I’m not sure what’s this, but I didn’t really put so much thought into it, but the doctor told me to follow up closely after that. So when I go through my follow-ups in a few more months after that incident I had my mammogram and ultrasound for the very first time.

And, I can honestly tell you for any young woman who did a mammogram for the first time, is really, really scary. A lot of women in their forties who be advised to do mammograms. But for ladies at very young age, like 27 or even younger than that, to do a mammogram is pretty scary. So maybe I just give you a brief description. Is this mammogram or about?

So basically you stand in front of a machine and this machine will compress your breasts. Like waist, from top to bottom.

[00:05:41] Cheryl:

So make a pancake, basically.

[00:05:43] Siew Lin:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Basically, it’s like, yeah, basically like, like what you say. So pancake, it’s not comfortable. Pancake. Every pancake can enjoy eating, right? But this one is, it’s really, you need to really stand still so that they can make it the right, the right mammogram for you.

Basically, you are strip stripped down to your bottoms and then, It’s freezing cool. Mm-hmm. When you do your mammogram, especially when the aircon is blowing towards you. But you have no choice to hold still as long as you can so that they can capture it.

So when the report came out, after I did those ultrasound and mammogram turns out that the doctor found out that there were a lot of calcifications. So calcifications are calcium deposits in the breast. So it’s like a lot of white dots in the breast.

So doctors who suspected these calcifications higher risk of getting breast cancer. So because of that, the doctor advised that it’s better to just remove the whole breasts, which are on my left side.

Cheryl:

white calcifications are the cancer cells, or what are they?

[00:06:57] Siew Lin:

It’s not cancer cells, it’s just calcium deposits. Yeah. It’s normal to have calcium deposits in normal breasts. But if I look back at the symptoms that I have, The centers of having breast cancer is nipple discharge. Your nipple would invert inwards. Those were the few symptoms that I had. So it kind of correlates where if I have these symptoms, really, and from the mammogram, I have these calcifications. Hmm.

Cheryl:

Makes sense. Like clicks.

[00:07:27] Siew Lin:

Yeah, I have a higher chance of having breast cancer, but breast cancer wasn’t in my mind. So when I asked the doctor, so in this stage one, stage two, He say it’s still stage zero. Oh yeah. So it was a very early pre-cancer stage. But I went through the operation I removed my whole left breast and till now after I have my follow-ups and just recently my last follow-up in April, in late March somehow, the area where I operated my breasts, where they did the biopsy of my breasts before I was diagnosed with the stage zero cancer, the lump grew at that area. So somehow, in a way, I’m not sure how it came back. Probably because when the doctor did the operation, there was still some cancer tissue left behind.

So the lump grew back because of the tissue. Even though I did my breast removal, I didn’t do any treatments after that, meaning there are no medications. I don’t need to do any other chemotherapy or radiation. So basically I just removed my breast and that was it.

But somehow after a few years, a few months later, the cancer grew back. So definitely there was something wrong with it. It’s probably the treatment wasn’t right for me. So I went for my PET scan. I actually visited other doctors in other hospitals as well to seek second third opinion. And, one of the doctors told me to do a PET scan. So PET scan is basically, you just lie down, they’ll inject a radioactive dye into your body and then you’ll be lying down on the table where you scan your whole body. and when I went through that procedure and the report came out, it seems that the cancer from my breast has spread to other parts of my body.

So in short term, stage zero has actually became stage four. So currently I’m diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer, and basically the parts where the cancer had spread was my spine, my pelvic, and my collarbone, and a bit on my ribs. So, so yeah, that’s how I was diagnosed from stage zero to stage four, and here I am today.

[00:10:06] Kai Xin:

It seems like a very short period of time to take in so much. How do you process all of this?

[00:10:15] Siew Lin:

At that point of time, when I was told that I was diagnosed with stage four, that was the second doctor actually. So I was like nah, you’re kidding. And I didn’t believe him because somehow I didn’t have a good rapport, rapport with that doctor.

So I didn’t really take him very seriously. But when, when I took my report to seek another third opinion from another hospital, it seems that shit. That the news really hit hard on me and not just me only, but also my family members as well. So it’s a really big lump in your throat, which you can’t really swallow.

[00:11:02] Kai Xin:

I can imagine how tough this is. It seems like even now when you’re saying you’re still kind of internalizing, is that correct?

[00:11:13] Siew Lin:

Yes, I do, but somehow I already grew to accept it already. I guess somehow I’m slightly at peace, but not there yet, but, well, it’s just a very hard news to actually tell a lot of people.

Especially my friends and family who thought that, Hey, I thought you were just stage zero. How come you’re stage four now? And it’s just really hard to tell them because they would be very worried. And it’s just hard to tell them.

[00:11:50] Kai Xin:

When you tell your close ones about this news, is there an ideal response that you hope they would give?

[00:11:59] Siew Lin:

Not really, because I was so consumed by the thought that I have stage four cancer. I didn’t really worry so much about how they would feel. But I was more worried about how would life be, especially for my parents after I’m gone.

Because the stage four life survivor rate is about 25% for people who could live up to five years. So actually the life expectancy is quite low, however, there’s not a lot of research on younger people who had stage four cancer, especially metastatic breast cancer. So it’s really hard to tell.

[00:12:49] Kai Xin:

So are you still keeping a sense of optimism that perhaps you can be out of that percentage seen in the clinical papers?

[00:12:59] Siew Lin:

Yeah, that’s what I thought as well. So, Currently, my biggest challenge is to be able to find someone that I could look up to, for those who have actually survived metastatic breast cancer, especially at my age.

So probably my objective right now is to beat the statistics and to be able to live longer than that.

[00:13:23] Kai Xin:

You can be the role model that other people are looking out for. I see on your Facebook you’ve been sharing quite extensively as well in terms of awareness. The video that I saw was in 2020, very very courageous for you to do.

Is there anything that made you feel that you need to share this piece of news or piece of information with the world?

[00:13:47] Siew Lin:

I guess by sheer luck is that I somehow caught breast cancer early and there are not a lot of youth and younger people at my age to actually share this information. So I guess being the first around my circle of friends or my family, hopefully sharing this would probably bring more awareness for them.

[00:14:15] Cheryl:

Siew Lin, you know, from what you’re sharing, I’ve been a little bit silent because I’m just processing all of this as well. The first thing I wanna say is I’m so sorry that this has happened to you from zero to four. When zero happened, I think I saw on your social media, you’re really doing the best that you can to just live life to the fullest.

And I think that must feel like quite, quite a lot like suddenly to, to receive this news as well. And I don’t know exactly how you’re feeling cause I think it’s crazy. It’s, it’s a huge thing that comes but from what I see, like online, I, I do see you as an inspiration who is always trying to do your best with what you can.

So yeah, thank you for putting your story out there. Thank you for letting random people like me, know your story as well.

[00:14:57] Siew Lin:

Yeah, no worries. But I think I should correct you at that point in time when you say you’re sorry, I think you shouldn’t be sorry because it’s not something that you should be sorry for.

 And it’s hard to tell a lot of my friends when they first heard the news, they’ll say, oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you have this. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I think the best way to actually tell someone who just recently diagnosed with breast cancer is to let them know that if you need any support, you can always let me know. I’m always glad to bring you to the hospital. I mean, I’m always happy when someone can fetch me to the hospital and probably just accompany them when whether they’re going through chemotherapy or any treatments. I think that’ll be better than just saying I’m sorry. Yeah.

[00:16:00] Kai Xin:

Thanks for shedding light on that.

Yeah, I, I think it’s always tough to, to know what to say cause you know, we are not in the position but also, sometimes we don’t want people to feel like, oh, we are looking down on them, or it’s, it’s something that we should take pity on.

A Dhamma teacher was saying, you know how sometimes people are hospitalized and then we say, get well soon. Actually a Buddhist way is to wish the person to have that mental strength to tide through whatever. Is to face the fact that maybe the person might not get well. If you get well, that’s fantastic. You know, I also hope Siew Lin, you can beat the statistics, but it’s also a bit tougher sometimes having to face the truth.

So I dunno, are there other words besides, I will be there for you. I can, you know, fetch you through the hospital. Are there other words that people can say to make you feel comforted?

[00:16:55] Siew Lin:

Well, I think to be honest, I think being silent and being just physically there with them is good enough. I think get well soon is the worst thing to ever say.

Sorry *sobbing*

[00:17:14] Kai Xin:

it’s okay. Take your time. Does it put pressure on you?

[00:17:21] Siew Lin:

Yeah, I think about what you said.

What if that person can never get better?

 So I, I guess I can put in the sense that even though that person is going through chemotherapy or medications, but you just never know that yes, maybe the medications may work, but there are higher risk of that patient or even myself may face other side effects and also higher risk of getting other cancers as well.

Like I can give an example. I’m doing oral chemo. I just found out as well that the reason why,

[00:18:06] Cheryl:

You can cry.

[00:18:08] Siew Lin:

Okay, so after I was diagnosed with stage four, my oncologist, who’s my treating doctor, told me to do a genetic testing. So this genetic testing is to check whether cancer is genetically inherited. So from my family history, there is no breast cancer from our side.

But when I went through that genetic testing it was found out that I inherited Cancer genes. So basically there are two types of cancer genes. So they call it BRCA 2 or BRCA1. So it turns out that BRCA2 was tested positive in my genetic testing. So BRCA2 basically is, BR means breast CA means cancer. So it kinda makes sense that to have this, it means that my genes is not working properly to defend the body from cancer.

So for people to have to be tested.

I’m sorry.

Cheryl:

It’s okay. It’s okay.

Kai Xin:

Take your time. I wish I was there to hug you.

Cheryl:

Virtual hug.

Kai Xin:

Do you wanna grab a tissue? Maybe take a sip of water.

Siew Lin:

No, it’s okay. So actually as I was saying, for people who have BRCA 2, they have higher chance of getting cancer. Breast cancer is about 80%. Uterus cancer is about 40%. Yeah. So I wasn’t surprised because I accepted I mean, it came to no surprise that I, I have high chance of getting breast cancer cause it’s already there.

But there is also a higher chance of me getting other cancer as well. So that’s, I mean, in a way I’m taking medications to suppress the hormones. So actually the cause of the cancer not is not only genetic, but it’s also cause of my hormones where I have very strong estrogen hormones, which is feeding to to the cancer cells.

So to actually block this estrogen, I have to take a pill called estrogen. There’s many types of medications named, but the one that I’m taking is to suppress the estrogen hormones. So the side effects is that you won’t have period, which is maybe many girls’ dream but it puts you into menopause.

So I believe most of our mothers who went through menopause, you would understand that sometimes they have mood swings, sometimes they had hot flushes. And many other things. At my age to experience all this menopause and it is it really brings me to slight depression in the past few months as well. And did you know that if you have menopause you higher chance of getting heart disease, stroke, osteoporosis. So sometimes if I look back, is it worse to get treated for cancer or actually dying, having heart attack or getting stroke and not being able to move for the rest of your life.

It’s a very hard question to actually answer. But probably it’s some thought for those people out there.

[00:21:54] Cheryl:

And I would imagine your entire life is changed, right? Like, for me, I think it is about, stable career, relationship, and then the really normal stuff like everyone our age is thinking about what’s next, what’s next?

And that’s kind of just pulled out of the rug for you because all you are facing now is uncertainty. Do you want to share a little bit more maybe about what are some of the things that help you to ground yourself in trying to find peace in this entire journey?

[00:22:33] Siew Lin:

I think it’s just taking one step at a time.

I really love kids, but I guess (having) kids is out of the question right now because you can’t have kids when you’re going through this treatment and I didn’t really have big dreams of like having a house of my own or having a big car. Anything that’s materialistic, it’s really not within my not really my so-called societal goals.

So. I guess what I can do right now is to really make peace by taking just one step at a time, one day at a time. And it can be as small as just waking up and going to work and doing the simplest things, which you can’t bring yourself to do. And I guess what I started doing is really treating my arthritis because now my, medication is giving side effects, which is arthritis as well.

So it causes stiffening in your joints. So as a person who likes to exercise and my big dream of achieving Iron Man, for those who don’t know, Iron Man is basically swimming, cycling and running a full marathon all in one single day.

Kai Xin:

Wow.

[00:24:12] Siew Lin:

Yeah. It’s a really extreme sport, but for me, my current state, I don’t think I’m able to do that.

So finding myself to exercise is really, really hard. My schedule is really just really filled up and I couldn’t find a time to really do it. So I started signing up for forcing myself to sign up for swimming in the swimming group. So they have very disciplined training every single, single day.

So I signed up for that and I started going for trainings like diligently just going for training is good enough to really help me cope with some of the side effects that I’m having. So having to do that, just give me a little bit more peace that I would say.

[00:25:01] Kai Xin:

Good that you have almost like a support system or just a life system to keep you going and also seem like celebrating small wins, simplest things can make a very big difference. So thanks for sharing that. I’m wondering, have your priorities in life changed?

[00:25:20] Siew Lin:

I would say it hasn’t changed much. I would say, I give less priority to work.

[00:25:27] Cheryl:

rightfully so.

[00:25:30] Siew Lin:

I mean, let’s just be honest. I mean, work can’t be your whole life. I mean, even if you resign, that’s always someone else who would replace you. That’s the reality of working in a rat-race world.

So I don’t really focus so much on work this time around, but of course, I really love where I’m working right now, so I couldn’t say, I don’t care about what I work. I do still care to a certain extent, but when it comes to my health, I will just prioritise on that first, which is as simple as just visiting the hospital and taking a day off if I really need to.

[00:26:10] Kai Xin:

Is there anything like through this journey that you have reflected on like aha moments or certain reflections that just become amplified along the way?

[00:26:24] Siew Lin:

I think for the past few weeks I have been reflecting on the thought that I deserve all the privilege that I can get because I’m gonna die soon, so I’m going to do whatever I want. So in a way that I feel like basically, you deserve all the attention that you get, it’s like..

[00:26:46] Cheryl:

Self love.

[00:26:48] Siew Lin:

No, it’s not self love. I’m not allowed to swear right?

[00:26:53] Cheryl:

Can if you want.

[00:26:53] Siew Lin:

They call it privileged bitch I guess

It’s like oh! Entitled. Yeah. Okay. Okay. The word, the word is entitled.

Yeah. So I feel like I’m entitled to everything. I give you a scenario. If I were standing on the LT train. And if I have to fight for a seat with another person, inside my heart, I’ll probably tell ‘you don’t deserve to sit. You’re not even having cancer. You stand la. I deserve to sit cause I’m gonna die soon anyway. That kind of entitled mindset.

It’s not really healthy to have this kind of mindset. I am aware of that, but I just can’t help myself to have that kind of thought, which, in a sense, it really puts me in a very selfish position because somehow in a way I’m prioritising myself over those around me. So it’s still a struggle for me, but at least to be aware that I have that thought, I’m just trying to tame myself.

[00:28:06] Kai Xin:

I’m curious, why do you feel that it’s not right to feel entitled?

Because you do deserve the care and concern. Is it just because it’s framed or it comes from a sense of aversion, which makes you feel a bit uncomfortable?

[00:28:22] Siew Lin:

Because in a way I’m still alive and I still can’t move like everyone else. It’s just that I had slighter difficulty in terms of like, probably if you ask me to sit very long on the floor, like squatting position, probably I can’t do that, but if an old auntie can do it. And she has arthritis and you can’t do it, what makes you so deserving of being entitled, right?

So in a way, I would feel entitled because I think that the other person may not know what I’m going through.

[00:29:02] Kai Xin:

Yeah, I think it’s okay, I mean, you are entitled to care and concern. Perhaps it is just the way that we project it on others. Are we like compromising their wellbeing and stuff, but I don’t think you should steal their entitlement away from yourself because you’re also a human being. You need love whether you’re old or young.

And I’m also wondering, like, in terms of your relationship with this whole illness as well as death, has it changed? Because at the start of the chat, you were saying it didn’t cross your mind that it could be breast cancer. I suppose that comes with age as well, because the youth, you tend to think that cancer and illness come with older age. What’s your relationship with this whole topic? Has it changed?

[00:29:53] Siew Lin:

I guess I wouldn’t say I love the whole experience.

[00:29:59] Kai Xin:

Who would love the experience? *chuckle*

[00:30:01] Siew Lin:

I guess like every other person it’s not the destination right? It is the process. Enjoy the journey of whatever you are experiencing. I think that’s the beauty of it.

Because I live by this philosophy when I started writing, I’m blogging quite frequently.

I always believe that I should live my days like I’m going to die. So I have lived by that philosophy so strongly even until now and even before I was diagnosed with cancer. So it doesn’t change much for me because I have lived through my years beautifully and meaningfully for myself and it’s a bit sad that other people can’t see the same. When I hear friends, people close to me who have regrets of not fulfilling what they want to do, it’s a bit of time wasted on their end.

But especially for my end, I take my time really seriously even when I was very young. Cause time is really precious, so, whatever seconds and minutes I have, I really make use of it as much as I can. So every minute is like a living memory.

[00:31:22] Cheryl:

I want to ask you a question that is somewhat related but it’s two sides of it.

Is there anything that you have not done and want to (do)?

Second is, what do you want to leave behind? Like you can call it your legacy or like, I don’t know whether it resonates with you, but yeah, the kind of idea you get what I mean?

[00:31:43] Siew Lin:

Definitely, to accomplish Iron Man probably before 35. Not sure. And at the top of my list is definitely climbing mountain Fuji actually. So unfortunately there was MCO previously, so now that Japan has opened their doors, I probably can use some of the money to go.

Unfortunately, I didn’t want to leave anything behind. But if I were to leave, it would be stories about people in my life. So I had this inspiration to actually write something about the people around me. People who I grew up with throughout my life. I wanted to call it hundred people who had made me for me.

So, I wanted to list out some of the people have really shaped me for who I am, and also just to commemorate conversations between the both of us, which was very meaningful at that moment. It’s really, really a lot of work. Probably I’ll start it one day, but that day is not so soon yet.

[00:33:12] Kai Xin:

You can voice record and get the software to transcribe.

[00:33:16] Siew Lin:

Yeah. True, true.

[00:33:18] Kai Xin:

But it’s so beautiful that you have this sense of gratitude because, I mean, just now you mentioned that you have the thought of entitlement, right? But then you feel bad about it. And I, I think that’s a common thread over here.

You’re just very compassionate and you see how people have shaped you and you’re kind of intertwined with everybody and I think you’ve also shaped many people’s lives as well. People should probably write a book about you.

Actually, if you were to write a book about your own life story, what would be the title on the book cover?

[00:33:55] Siew Lin:

Wow. Thousands of funny moments of Siew Lin.

[00:34:04] Kai Xin:

Is it gonna be a lot memes?

[00:34:07] Siew Lin:

Definitely.

[00:34:10] Cheryl:
Thousand memes of Siew Lin.

[00:34:13] Siew Lin:
Oh, that’s a good title.

[00:34:16] Kai Xin:
Yeah. Okay. When is it gonna be published? Keep you accountable.

[00:34:20] Siew Lin:
Wow. One day.

[00:34:24] Kai Xin:
No pressure. No pressure.

[00:34:26] Cheryl:
Thanks for sharing every single thing you have been super courageous, and vulnerable and it’s not easy for you to come and share this as well. So thank you very much.

Are there any things that you’d like to share with listeners or any advice to all the listeners here?

[00:34:42] Siew Lin:

If I want to share, it is actually one of the frequently used quotes that a lot of breast cancer survivors actually share. Sometimes living through cancer. It takes up a lot of your time and affects a lot of yourself and your relationship with other people as well. But it’s not your core identity. It’s because of what you’re going through that makes you just a little bit different from other people. But it’s not the whole story of your life. It’s just one chapter. So, I am who I am because I have to do what is necessary for myself to treat myself. So it’s not a real version of myself.

So do get treated and be consciously be aware of your body and if you suspect anything, do just get it checked, because you may never know that it’ll be a life-changing decision in the future. So yeah, every symptom matters.

[00:36:00] Kai Xin:

Thanks for sharing that. I really like how you say it’s a chapter. On the other hand, I also think that it reflects so much about you, your qualities, how you show up to challenges. I think we ought to also celebrate your success in terms of how you keep a strong mind, and it’s also okay sometimes you are vulnerable. And thanks for being vulnerable on this podcast to show the real you. So just now when Cheryl say, what do you wanna leave behind? Even though you don’t wanna leave anything behind, I think people would remember you for many, many good things. Yeah. Just wanna comment on that. And once again, thanks for being here on our podcast.

[00:36:40] Siew Lin:
Thank you for having me.

[00:36:42] Cheryl:
And if there’s anything that we could help with if you want to leverage the platform to share anything about yourself feel free to do so. And then on a personal note, also, if you need anything, although I, I’m not there, like in person if you need anything, resources or, you know, like even monks to chant for you, I think we can definitely find a way to help you as well.

[00:37:04] Kai Xin:
Yeah, we’re friends now so we can ping me.

[00:37:07] Cheryl:
Ping me. She’s my friend.

[00:37:10] Cheryl:
What are your thoughts, Kai Xin? Any reflections?

[00:37:13] Kai Xin:

I thought it’s quite interesting to see how she show no trace of anger when she’s talking about her journey because she actually did some form of measure to prevent the cancer cells from even, you know, spreading. And I think calcification, that was where she removed one side of her breast and then it kind of escalated to stage four. I think if it’s me, I would feel. Yeah, just like, why, you know, I did the thing already. I’ll feel angry. Uh, perhaps she has already gone through the phase. So I think it’s inspiring to see the level of acceptance that she has dealing with reality and just living life to the fullest with a lot of gratitude.

Yeah, I thought it was quite interesting to see how she showed no trace of anger. And she’s talking about her journey because, she did some form of measures to prevent the cancer cells from even growing or spreading because when there was calcification, that’s when she removed one side of her breast and that was stage zero. And within a very short period of time, after that, it escalated to stage four.

I think if it were me, I would be in a state of denial. And probably feel angry as well. Perhaps, she has already gone through that phase. So I think it’s really inspiring to see the level of acceptance that she has and how she’s dealing with her current reality. And acceptance, not in a form of being happy and positive all the time, but it’s really just living life to the fullest. With a lot of gratitude, despite the challenges. So I really admire that about her.

[00:38:55] Cheryl:
Definitely. And I think gratitude is one of the qualities that really shined through as well, , in our chat with her, especially, you know, when given the chance with that question to answer. What book she’ll write and she wanted to use that chance to dedicate it to all the people who have influenced her, I think that is really inspiring because if it’s me, I’ll be like, oh my God, 1000 amazing things that I did.

[00:39:23] Kai Xin:
You’d write a memoir, right?

[00:39:24] Cheryl:

Yeah! But the fact that that piece of work is one that speaks of others really talks about her gratitude. And I think, you know, as listeners and even myself as a co-host, I feel that this really is an invitation for me to reflect on my life.

Think about three people that we are all grateful for and you know, maybe we don’t say thank you too much. And this could be an opportunity to text them, call them, and say, yeah, thank you very much and I really appreciate what you do.

[00:39:56] Kai Xin:

Yeah, and I think she’s also very compassionate and I think when a person is ill, the mental faculty is not so strong. It’s really like a true test of the practice. Because it is difficult if your body goes through a lot of pain and she still had that capacity to reflect and that wisdom to say, no other people also deserve care and love, even though I’m going through a difficult situation.

And also the part where she mentioned how at a very young age, she really kind of know what she wants to do and she takes her time really seriously. There’s a sutta called Auspicious Day, and it says, ardently do what you need to do today. Who knows?

Tomorrow death may come and. I think now I’m quite complacent, like still young, you know, and death contemplation is definitely something I’m gonna do more often after this episode.

[00:40:46] Cheryl:

Yeah, and definitely I think it’s normal. I think because we are young, we’re generally healthy, and we are intoxicated by three things and Budha highlighted that these three things are firstly our youth. Secondly, our. And thirdly our life.

So we think that death, sickness and old age will not happen to us, and that’s very dangerous to think like that because really, you know, we are the slaves to time and any of this youth health and life can be taken any second, any moment. So yeah, definitely a great reminder to be heedful and use our time wisely, even if we may not have a very clear idea of what our purpose or meaning is. At least try to make time to do things that are skilful, do things that are wholesome. And actually, one last point that I had was really about how the conversation receiving was almost like a journey.

She started, you know, introducing herself as like, Hey, I’m, I’m Siew Lin, I’m a cancer survivor. But you know, as we progressed through the conversation, as we reflected a little bit more about her life, her ending, her closing note was really about cancer is an important part of her life, but it does not define her.

And this makes me think about how often I define myself by my worst moments, but we should also see what we can get from our worst moments, the virtues and qualities that shine true, and maybe let ourselves be defined by that instead of the worst part for ourselves. What do you think?

[00:42:22] Kai Xin:

I think, well, I mean, you put it so nicely.

It is indeed true, that it’s a defining moment for her to inspire others, but it’s not gonna be what defines her as who she is.

It has been a really inspiring episode. Thanks, Cheryl, for inviting Siew Lin to this podcast. And for our listeners, hope you have something that you’ve taken away. You can share it on our telegrams, and say some words of encouragement.

If you’ve been inspired by Siew Lin, you can also type that in the Telegram chat. We’ll share it with her.

And yeah, if you like this episode, please give us a five-star review or share this with a friend.

And til the next episode, may you stay happy and wise.

Special thanks to our sponsor for this episode

Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña.

Resources on Breast Cancer

Health Hub: Signs of breast cancer

Reach to Recovery: Breast cancer support group

National University Cancer Institute Singapore: Breast cancer support group

Breast Cancer support group (Malaysia)

Breast Cancer Foundation (Malaysia)

As a Buddhist, how can we care for a love one who is chronically ill?

As a Buddhist, how can we care for a love one who is chronically ill?

TLDR: What can we do when we are thrust into the role of a caregiver? In Singapore & Malaysia, we are taught to be filial. What does that mean when our parents are sick? What can we do?

What do you say when your mum tells you that she’s going through too much, and she doesn’t want to suffer anymore?

Her body is breaking down right in front of our eyes. It happens gradually, but at times, the deterioration is sufficient to catch us by surprise. It baffles me how she can have such poor control of her legs. Why can’t she take a bigger stride? Why is her body awareness so bad? 

We’ve been told that we don’t own our bodies and that everything is impermanent. However,  it wasn’t until now that this message hit home.

My mum has Parkinson’s disease and a heart condition. Last year, she was diagnosed with cancer. You never expect these things to happen to you or your loved ones. And sometimes I wonder why these things would happen to such an incredibly kind person.

Loss

Watching my mum lose her health has been hard. 

There is a loss of motor function, cognitive decline, and also emotional changes associated with the disease. As a family, we are learning to navigate these changes skillfully. It isn’t always pretty.

I found myself ugly crying on the MRT a few days after my mum’s cancer diagnosis. I remember feeling pangs of fear and regret, but there was also this underlying sense of loss. I’ve always had this idyllic picture of what the future would look like for our family. 

I envisioned a healthier version of my mum celebrating various milestones together, playing with my kids, and doing the things she loves.

With these diagnoses, I felt robbed of this version of the future. But this is the problem isn’t it? The attachment to ideal states and a built-up fantasy of reality.

As a patient, there is a loss of independence, loss of vitality, and loss of identity. As a carer/ family member, we lose the person we used to know, as well as the future that we had envisioned for ourselves, and to some extent, freedom.

The non-acceptance of what is.

I was watching mum get into a car one day with so much effort and difficulty, I was in disbelief. I remember deliberately not helping her and thinking to myself, “Surely it’s not this bad. She has to be able to do it on her own”. I refused to believe that her motor skills would decline just like that.

Another time, we were trying to walk across the mall to a restaurant, and it was the most laborious process. At one point, we were at a standstill because she couldn’t get her legs to move. It was a very difficult moment.

As my mum’s condition progressed, I found myself being more impatient around her. I would say things that would upset her and lack empathy for what she was going through. 

I was aware of the unskillful states arising, but my mindfulness was not strong enough for me to snap out of it. It was very confusing because I knew that a good daughter should be patient and caring in a time like this, and I wasn’t. There was a lot of anxiety and guilt. 

Walking Together

It took me a while to realize that the anger was not directed at her, but rather, towards the reality of things. There was a lot of resistance and anxiety due to change.  I was so attached to the person she used to be, and I wanted things to remain that way.

Avoiding the second arrow

The Buddha talked about avoiding the second arrow –  creating suffering out of the unpleasant experience. My mum’s condition is the first arrow; and my aversion, sorrow, and distress in response to it is the second arrow.  

I am suffering because my mum, whom I love very much, is suffering. I am caught in aversion because I don’t want to see her in this state. However, it ended up creating more suffering for both of us. 

Ajahn Kalyano, a wise monk based in Australia, mentioned in one of his talks that we need to back up our metta with equanimity and treat our suffering correctly. While we can’t control the first arrow, the second arrow, which is our reaction to the first, is optional.

It’s okay.

The best advice I received whilst dealing with all of this was, “It’s okay”. It was so simple but brought me so much relief. It is a difficult situation, and it is okay to not know how to respond skillfully.

This predicament uncovered the dark corners of my mind and it was not pleasant to watch. I had a hard time reconciling with myself. 

It took some time, but I learned to be kinder to myself and to forgive myself. It was when I started doing so that I had the spaciousness in my mind to investigate what was going on. Being able to see things more clearly has helped me in my relationship with the situation and my mum. For anyone going through a similar predicament, I want to let you know that it is okay.

Establishing mindfulness

Situations like these do require more endurance and forbearance than what is normally required of us. Ajahn Anan said that we need to put effort into establishing mindfulness, and making our samadhi firm so that we know what the mind is like.

It is normal for anger, fear, and delusion to come up in situations like these. But when these unwholesome states do arise in the mind, we need to put in the effort to skillfully abandon them.

On days when it gets overwhelming, take a rest, do some chanting, meditate, establish samadhi, and bring up endurance once more. 

Looking impermanence in the eye

I was uneasy the first time I had to clean my mum’s surgical wound. It wasn’t the sight of the wound that was hard to look at but the empty space that was once a lump of muscles and tissues. 

Seeing the stitches and scar tissues in place of it was to have a good look at the impermanent nature of things. It left me contemplating how something once considered our ‘self’ or a part of us, can be cut away and disposed of simply as medical waste.

No matter how hard we try to hold on to these conditioned phenomena that we once thought to be pretty, strong, and delightful, they are all subject to decline. Ajahn Chah, a famous thai forest monk, said that we are ‘lumps of deterioration’. The body declines just like a lump of ice. Soon, just like the lump of ice, it’s all gone. 

The drawbacks of the sensory world

This has truly been a huge teaching moment for all of us: about impermanence, suffering, and nonself. As a Buddhist, these words get thrown around so much that it becomes trite, but it is moments like these that definitely drive home the point.  Everything we have in this world is borrowed. We have them for a while, then it has to go.


Wise Steps:

  • Know that it is okay to not be okay in such situations, we need patience more than ever. For both ourselves and our loved ones
  • Don’t take health for granted. Be present with your loved ones because you don’t know how long your or their health will last
  • When was the last time you noticed impermanence in your life? Peeking into the reality of things daily can cushion our minds when things go south.
Reflecting on the death of my teacher Master Hsing Yun, founder of Fo Guang Shan

Reflecting on the death of my teacher Master Hsing Yun, founder of Fo Guang Shan

Editor: Master Hsing Yun, a visionary monk who established a thriving Buddhist community in Taiwan and built education institutes overseas, passed away at the age of 95. He established Fo Guang Shan monastery in 1967, aiming to propagate Buddhist humanitarian values. 

Humanistic Buddhism (人间佛教) emphasises the integration of Buddhist principles into everyday life and the application of Buddhist values in society. This movement has contributed to one of the most significant growth of Buddhism around the world.

One of our writers, Kai Xiang, shares his reflections on how Master Hsing Yun has impacted his life. At HOL, we share our heartfelt gratitude for Venerable Hsing Yun’s teachings and his impact on the Buddhist Community. Though he has left us, let us never leave behind his teachings.

Cr: China Foto Press

His teaching brought me comfort

In his teachings, Venerable Master Hsing Yun emphasised that the Buddha was a human just like us. He was born in the human world, attained enlightenment in human form, and taught his fellow humans the Dharma.

This perspective makes the Buddha more approachable, as I can relate my struggles to his quest for enlightenment and turn to his teachings when I navigate life’s difficulties.

For example, in making important life decisions, I reflected on the Buddha’s courage in relinquishing his privileged life and stepping out of his comfort zone to seek enlightenment.

Instead of jumping into my habit of being passive-aggressive when dealing with interpersonal problems like misunderstandings or conflicts with friends, I reflect on how the Buddha would respond in such situations with wisdom and compassion.

The Four Givings

Apart from engaging in open and honest conversations, I have found that practising the Four Givings taught by Venerable Master Hsing Yun – giving others confidence, hope, joy, and convenience – has been helpful in fostering my relationships. Recollecting on these givings has helped me to give even when it was tough to do so.

See the world as it is

In teaching Humanistic Buddhism, Venerable Master Hsing Yun often cited a verse by Huineng the Sixth Patriarch, which says “Dharma can only be found in the world, and enlightenment cannot be attained away from it (佛法在世間,不離世間覺)”.

This idea inspires me to incorporate Buddhist values into my daily life. For example, reflecting on Disney’s Frozen movie, the song “Let It Go” reminds me to free myself from attachments and experience the joy of letting go.

The song “Show Yourself” in its sequel prompted me to relate Elsa’s journey of self-discovery to my Buddhist practice, which is to “see intrinsic nature by illuminating the mind (明心見性)”.

Thanks for reading my short reflection on my late teacher. May you find these teachings useful to daily living!


Inspired? Learn about Master Hsing Yun’s life story here

Connect with Fo Guang Shan Young Adult Division here

Celebrating departures: How to say goodbye

Celebrating departures: How to say goodbye

TLDR: We have all said goodbyes at some point in our lives. Does it always have to be a sad occasion? How can we better deal with goodbyes? Wilson reflects on his departure from loved ones and friends.

Departure (4 Oct, 08:00am)

Knowing that I only had one month left, it felt like there were so many people to meet and so many things to do. The outpouring of love and kindness from the people in my life gave me an indication of the quality of relationships that I have forged in my time here.

However, I could not help but wonder about the intentions behind these gestures. 

I felt a tinge of guilt for thinking that all these were more for them than for me, that these helped them to make peace with my eventual departure.

I struggled with myself, “My friends and family seemed to assume that they have a right to ask for whatever time I have remaining. Yet, it also feels wrong to tell people that I want more time for myself and to reject their kindness. Also, how can I make assumptions about their intentions? That reflects more about how I view the loved ones in my life.”

As the end drew near, I thought I would feel sad, nervous or even excited. Interestingly, it just felt like the end of every other day that I have lived so far. I guess maybe I have prepared enough and that the end just feels like it would come sooner or later anyway.

Or maybe it is because I’m still on the way to the other side and that it will all start to sink in once I arrive.

At this point, I want to take the chance to thank the people in my life for loving me, helping me to learn and grow and eventually, letting me go with your heartfelt well-wishes. I think that is one of the greatest gifts I have received. Thank you all.

~The End~

Oh, you are still here? After reading the previous few paragraphs, you may be thinking, “This Wilson has gone crazy already. Say until like he’s dying like that.” 

Or maybe you are texting me now to scold me for scaring you. Hehe, please forgive me for deciding on such a dramatic and possibly triggering way to start the article. 😅

To set the record straight, I left Singapore for Japan to study and do research for the next 1.5 years. I do hope that the opening captured how I felt about the similarities between going overseas for a long period and dying.

However, if you are still cross with me (and understandably so 😛), I hope the rest of the article explains well the thought process of this weirdo here.

There are many ways in which we may leave this world. It could be sudden, leaving you shocked like a deer in headlights. Or you would have an idea of the end drawing near, giving you some time to make preparations. 

I was reminded of a quote by Paul Kalanithi in his book, “When Breath Becomes Air”, which described his journey of facing his mortality as a surgeon himself: “I began to realise that coming in such close contact with my own mortality had changed both nothing and everything. Before my cancer was diagnosed, I knew that someday I would die, but I didn’t know when. After the diagnosis, I knew that someday I would die, but I didn’t know when. But now I know knew it acutely.”

I feel blessed to be given the chance to say my goodbyes and to feel the love and care of my loved ones. It made me think about how I would ideally like to leave this world and how I could live my life so that when my time is up, it would reduce the suffering for myself and the people around me.

Celebrating Departures

While I mentioned the similarities between going overseas and dying, I noticed a major difference. 

When it comes to going overseas, it is usually celebrated. However, when it comes to dying, it is mostly grieved. You may retort, “Of course lah! Dying is a permanent goodbye leh. You go overseas we can still visit each other what.”

Also, people also tend to celebrate deaths if the deceased had lived till a “ripe” old age. Even the choice of words betrays our value judgments on the importance of living a long life.

To me, this often-quoted phrase captures my attitude succinctly: “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.” I think it may be also because I believe that I would not be able to live a long life due to my extreme levels of carelessness. 

With all these said, I am not proposing that we ignore the fact that others may be grieving over departures in their lives and therefore, trivialise the suffering that they are experiencing.

It is perfectly normal to experience sadness and grief as a response to loss in our lives, be it due to death or otherwise. However, we can also choose to respond to those by celebrating the life of the deceased.

For me, I had the idea that at my funeral, guests would be invited to note down a favourite memory that they shared with me. They can then probably laugh together at the silly things that happened in my life, including falling into the swan lake at the Singapore Botanic Gardens and getting into a tussle with monkeys at the Penang Botanic Gardens.

Preparing for Departures

How should we then prepare for departures, be it our own or others’, going overseas or dying? Instead of considering the plethora of things that one can prepare to make the departure easier, I think it would be good to focus on something manageable that we can do regularly.

The Buddha encouraged his disciples to use separation and death as part of 5 themes to reflect upon to support them in their spiritual practice. 

“Bhikkhus, there are these five themes that should often be reflected upon

… by a householder or one gone forth.

1. ‘I am subject to old age; I am not exempt from old age.’

2. ‘I am subject to illness; I am not exempt from illness.’

3. ‘I am subject to death; I am not exempt from death.’

4. ‘I must be parted and separated from everyone and everything dear and agreeable to me.’

5. ‘I am the owner of my kamma, the heir of my kamma; I have kamma as my origin, kamma as my relative, kamma as my resort; I will be the heir of whatever kamma, good or bad, that I do.’”

AN 5.57: Upajjhatthana Sutta

Initially, you may find it weird or even uncomfortable when conducting this set of reflections and that is perfectly normal since we do not usually consider our mortality as we go about our everyday lives. However, I do hope this practice can support you in living a good life, so that when the time comes to leave, for whatever reasons and in whatever ways, you are ready for it.

Summary

We often go through life without thinking about departures of different natures, possibly even avoiding the idea of departures.

The grief that we associate with departures arises easily in our minds and while that is perfectly natural, we can approach departures in a different light.

We can choose to celebrate the moments we shared with the person who is leaving while taking the chance to reflect upon separation and death to support us in our spiritual practice.


Wise Steps:

  • Reminding ourselves of the 5 themes that Buddha taught us help us not to take life for granted
  • Grief is perfectly natural; what matters is our response to it. finding the right community to support you through it is most crucial!