Wholesome Wednesdays (WW): Bringing you curated positive content on Wednesdays to uplift your hump day.
The world is smiling and you are in a bad mood…life can just suck that way sometimes. Such situations can make us feel worse especially in a contrasting environment. How can we approach such tough emotions when they arise? Here are two stories on negative mind states
1. Don’t worry, be grumpy
2. Maturity and the way we look at ourselves
Don’t worry, be grumpy
Cr: Unsplash
What’s going on here & Why we like it
Ajahn Brahm, a famous Buddhist monk, shares how he advised one of his followers who was feeling grumpy. He paints an authentic picture of the Buddhist practice…one that acknowledges the imperfect side of things. We all feel unhappy sometimes and what we can do for ourselves is to be kind and mindful. Rather than be perfectly at peace.
“There are many human goings. Many human doings, but very few human beings”
Wise Steps
How often do we create perfect personas of ourselves that shatter upon adversity? Next time, when we encounter pain, give ourselves time to feel and process it. Your licence to be grumpy is here!
Yung Pueblo, a famous author, meditator & poet, shares a little reminder for us to not get into self-analysis when we are feeling down. We can’t trust such views of ourselves when we are feeling down as they would paint an inaccurate picture of ourselves! We like it because we often pass the harshest self-criticism when we are down.
“When your mood is heavy and down, suspend all self-analysis. When the mind is inclined toward negativity it will not be able to measure your progress well.”
Wise Steps
Our self-analysis shines best when we have a calm mood. Hence, try to detach away from inner head voices when we are down. Be aware of those inner voices and learn to hear but not engage them till the sun shines again.
Wholesome Wednesdays (WW): Bringing you curated positive content on Wednesdays to uplift your hump day.
çœćéé»ć (White-haired person sends off black-haired person) is a common taboo subject that we avoid in our culture. However, it happens. Elderly sometimes have to witness the death of their offspring. How do we deal with such situations? Today, in the spirit of ghost month, we explore the topic of death.
1. My daughter died of leukemia. Is it possible to ever be truly happy again?
2. Grief and loss. Here’s how attending a concert shows you the difference.
My daughter died of leukemia. Is it possible to ever be truly happy again?
Thich Nhat Hanh’s shares the answer with the lady who lost her daughter
What’s going on here & Why we like it
A lady asks the late venerable Thich Nhat Hanh how she can be happy in spite of her daughter’s death. Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh compassionately shares on she can move on as a mother. Seeing other ways the departed person can manifest in your life is one way to develop healing and closure. We love how the mother listens intently to venerable and we feel that sorrow and hope for the mother.
“So the old buds who have died, they have not really died. They come again, as life is very strong. Life is stronger than death.”
Wise Steps
Healing from loss is an extremely difficult process that each of us will go through in our lives. By finding answers in nature, we develop the ability to see reminders of the departed one. A cloud never dies.
Grief and loss. Here’s how attending a concert shows you the difference.
Cr: A concert and death. What’s the relationship?
What’s going on here & why we like it
There is a difference between grief and loss. Ajahn Brahm, a famous monk from Australia, shares stories of death, loss, and how losses can remind us of the present moment. Grief is seeing only what has been taken away from you. The celebration of a life is recognizing all that we were blessed with, and feeling so very grateful. We like this talk because it beautifully captures the essence of life and how we can move on when love ones go in different directions as we journey through life.
“It wasn’t happy, it wasn’t sad. It was spiritual…It was like how I went for concerts, seeing bands…after the encores finished I had to go home. I knew I would never hear that music again…I never focused that the concert was ending. The only thing I ever knew was how wonderful it had been. How inspiring that music was and how fortunate I was to be there.”
Wise Steps
Death reminds us that losses will happen in our lives. Instead of going into loops of loss, we can reflect on the moments of inspiration we gained from that person’s journey in our lives. Reminding ourselves that life is impermanent will also spur us to forgive easily and not let petty arguments get in our way of love and friendship.
Enjoy the talk below! (We have cut it short to the juiciest part! But just listen to the whole thing if you can!)
TLDR: Learning to be okay with not feeling okay can help us recover better when an unexpected illness happens
It was during a meal that Celeste, in her 20s, began to feel some slight discomfort. Her throat was dry and her nose was runny after having Tom Yum soup.
At 4 am, Celeste confirmed that her discomfort was not from the Tom Yum but something worse.
Her test result showed she was positive for Covid-19. It was something that she never expected to contract as she had taken many precautions.
Fever and body ache struck her quickly. This shocked her as she assumed that after being fully vaccinated, and keeping a healthy lifestyle, it will pass like a breeze.
That was far from the truth as she entered Day 2 of home recovery.
Rotten food & rotten plans
Snapshot of the food that had no taste due to Covid
Celeste felt that being a swim coach, playing tennis & yoga, coupled with healthy eating would provide a strong trampoline for recovery on Day 2. Covid had other plans installed for her. It was not going away.
“I lost my sense of smell. Everything tasted like rotten food”, she recalled.
Fear arose when she Googled and found that some people stopped eating even after recovery as their sense of smell never recovered fully. They had lost interest in eating as it was no longer enjoyable.
The fear then morphed into self-blame for falling sick.
“I didn’t realise it was unkind until the anger and fear clouded my mind. It made me afraid of Dukkha (Suffering)”, she recalled.
Her meditation practise helped make her aware of the unnecessary self-criticism and blame she was laying on herself. However, the fear and anger grew in her mind.
Soothing Fear with Dhamma
As the fear paralysed Celeste, she decided to use piano music to calm herself as she lay in bed. However, the mental proliferations filled with fear did not go away.
She then recalled a playlist of talks recommended by her Dhamma friends from her young working adult Dhamma group (DAYWA). Being new to Buddhism, she was unfamiliar with whether it would help but decided to give the playlist a try.
“Be okay that you are not feeling okay”, Ajahn Brahm, the monk on the playlist, advised. This struck her hard.
She was always trying too hard to be healthy. Covid was something beyond her control. Despite being fully vaccinated, she still fell deeply sick. Acknowledging that it is okay to fall sick was a great relief to her heart and mind.
“90% of my worries never came through. I spent so much time worrying about things that never happen”, recalled Celeste as she was recovering.
After the one hour Dhamma talk, Celeste felt at ease and fell into a deep sleep.
Returning to senses
Celeste, having heard numerous mind-soothing episodes of Dhamma talks, was ready to accept a life of no smell. She reflected that she had taken her 5 senses for granted and realised that they did not belong to ‘us’ strictly as we could not command them as we like.
“We don’t own these senses, senses are merely borrowed. Not Mine, not myself.” she reflected.
Celeste was internalising and seeing first-hand what Buddha talked about non-self. We do not control our body and mind as much we would love to. For if our body was fully ours, it wouldn’t lead to dissatisfaction and we would have full control.
This brought to mind Buddha’s teaching to monks in the following dialogue:
What do you think, monks? Is form (body) permanent or impermanent?â
âImpermanent, sir.â
âBut if itâs impermanent, is it suffering or happiness?â
âSuffering, sir.â
âBut if itâs impermanent, suffering, and perishable, is it fit to be regarded thus: âThis is mine, I am this, this is my selfâ?â
âNo, sir.â
As Celeste was coming to peace with her lack of smell senses, it came back to her. She was beginning on her upward path to recovery.
Associating with the kind
As she slowly recovered, she found that body aches and pain remained. However, she avoided the trap of feeling unhappy with her body.
“Wanting things to be perfect feed the monster within you. Pain reminds you that your body is not perfectâŠand that’s okay”, Celeste shared.
Beyond the Dhamma talks, her loved ones were pivotal in lifting her towards full recovery.
Her in-laws delivered her favourite vegetables that she loved to eat even when the Delta variant was a real threat to their health. Her yoga friends delivered herbal tea and cooked for her.
This difficult period also made her appreciate her husband more (who was also infected and had to be hospitalised). Life and death became very real for her when her husband heart rate dropped drastically which landed him in the hospital as she lay at home infected with Covid.
âThese moments made me count my blessings and not take them (loved ones) for grantedâ, Celeste recalled.
Life lessons from covid
This episode made Celeste rethink the way she was living her life. She decided to cut down on some overindulgence she was partaking in, such as midnight movies and sleeping late. Maintaining health was a crucial component of her life that she wanted to strengthen.
She then aspired to dedicate more time and consistency to her meditation practice which tide her over this tough period. She found herself meditating less when times were going good for her and hence, aspires to build a consistent habit of meditating regardless of the times.
“Be patient and be unafraid” she advised those who may face such an unexpected infection.
“For your friends infected with Covid, ask them how you can help them. Delivering food and checking in on them really lifts their spirits”, she encouraged.
In our darkest and lowest times, recollecting the Dhamma is one way to rest our minds at peace. This allows our body and mind to be okay at being not okay, paving the way for deeper healing.
Wise Steps:
Create a playlist of your favourite Dhamma talks that you can listen to in times of trouble
Every hardship we face is an opportunity for us to turn towards the truths of life or remain in our perceived truths of life
People, especially in today’s age, assume that love has something to do with romance. The idea of romantic love should be investigated because when we don’t know it properly, it can create so much suffering inside of us. So often, when you fall in love, what you are really loving is the way the person makes you feel.
The first type of love: Possessive love
Many of us, even though we think we love our partner, really, love ourselves more. If you really think you love your partner more than your own life, what would you do if your partner runs away with the postman?
If you really love her, you should be so happy that she’s found happiness and love. You should feel so grateful that she is happy. Isn’t that what love is all about? You want her to be happy, and now she’s happy.
But you wouldnât be happy would you? Why is that? Thatâs because your love is like an attachment. It’s a love, which has ownership. This is the first type of love, and the Buddhist context. The love, which comes from the word âmineâ — âI will love you, as long as you are mine.â
It’s love that creates a lot of problems. Problems because, in this life, the Buddha pointed out that we own precious little. In fact, we don’t own much at all. If anything, we only rented it for a period of time. We only have our loved ones with us for a very very short time. Sooner or later, there has to be a separation.
The second type of love: Love without attachment
But of course, there is a much more wise and deeper type of love, which is the second type of love – âThe door of my heart will always be open to you no matter what you do.â
There’s a sense that you can feel happy when somebody else, someone you care for, is happy.
This is love that frees the other person because it wants the other person to be happy. It does not have any concern about oneself. It is truly a selfless love, which has no strings attached.
That type of love gives you peace. Itâs a love, which embraces reality. The unconditional, selfless love. It allows you to be at peace with other people in the world. It stops arguments, it stops separation. It stops the biggest war in the whole world – the war inside of you. It is a love, which can let go. This type of love is selfless. It accepts. In its acceptance, it is embracing, it is letting go. Love, which leads to freedom rather than love which leads to possessiveness.
The way to love a person is a way to look after a bird. A bird needs a cage but you should always leave the door of the cage open. Just make sure that the bird stays in that cage because the cage is really beautiful, and the food is really delicious. There, the bird can get lots of love and care. Theyâd want to always come back to that cage. They may fly off a few days but theyâd always come back again because thereâs the best food in town, and people are so nice and kind.
If you put your loved ones in a closed cage, first time that door is open, theyâd run away and never come back. So, the love which has freedom is the only love that can really give you what you truly want. If you control and possess, people will always escape. Theyâd run away and never come back again.
The third type of love
In the English language, the word love has two meanings. The second meaning of love is zero/empty/nothing. This is what the second type of love inclines towards – where you have a kind of love that doesnât possess, which lets go. All these things, which you think you truly need to be happy, all these possessions, which are so important to you, you can free them. You will realise that you donât need anything. Itâs inclining towards the emptiness in this world.
This is the third type of love – the empty love. When I say âempty loveâ, sometimes people think that thatâs very scary, very cold. But that emptiness type of love is far from being cold. It is the emptiness like the sky, which can accept everything, which embraces everything, which surrounds everything. That emptiness type of love is what connects everybody and everything. Thatâs what love is. It is embracing, accepting, with a deep contentment with what is.
TLDR: Is Metta Meditation really beneficial? Jin Young shares his own personal practice and his relationship with loving kindness meditation. A 30-min guided meditation is included. Youâre invited to test it out for yourself.
When you donât know what to do, try out metta or loving kindness meditation.
Encountering Metta MeditationMy first encounter with metta was listening to Imee Ooiâs âChant of Metta ”. Imeeâs voice was angel-like, saccharine and soothing. I especially enjoyed her chanting of the Metta Sutta in Pali language, albeit not knowing much about the actual meaning behind those words back then.
My mom would sometimes play the CD around bedtime, and I guess it must have had some sort of sleep-inducing effect, much like lullabies for babies.
Lighting My Fire Of Metta
When I was fifteen, I sat through my first metta meditation under the guidance of Ajahn Brahm. Ajahn explained that the cultivation of metta is analogous to starting a fire. You canât start a fire by lighting up a huge log.
Rather, you need kindling, easily combustible materials for starting a fire such as papers or small little twigs. Once the fire is started, one then adds on larger and larger twigs before moving on to solid pieces of wood.
When the fire is well maintained, you can further grow it until the passion of loving kindness is strong enough to embrace the whole universe and even your worst enemies.
But first, we need to start with kindling. Ajahn told us to visualize someone whom we can readily feel and send loving kindness to. For me, it was my late grandmother who had taken care of me when I was young. She showered me with unconditional love.
âDear Ahmaâ
âThe door of my heart is open to youâ
âI will take care of youâ
âMay you be safe, well and happyâ.
With these words, I felt my chest and heart glowing with love and warmth. We then proceed to send similar thoughts and wishes to our other family members, friends, acquaintances, animals, and all sentient beings.
It was an empowering experience to meditate on metta with Ajahn Brahm. The flame of âmettaâ was passed on from Ajahn to us, and from us to our loved ones and on and on.
Keeping the Metta Flame Glowing
Since then, Iâve tried my best to keep this flame alive wherever I go. In Selangor, I joined the Buddhist Gem Fellowship and attended a weekly guided metta meditation by Datuk Seri Dr. Victor Wee, another lay-teacher and compassionate mentor.
Dr. Weeâs cues were slightly different from Ajahn Brahmâs, but the spirit of loving kindness was the same.
I brought the practice of metta meditation with me to Japan and China, where I studied abroad for four years. Whenever I missed my family, encountered negative events, or felt like I was stuck in an uncertain and helpless situation, I turned to metta meditation for help.
I like to believe that by sending my thoughts of loving-kindness to my family and friends, they are protected by my wishes, and become well and happy.
By sending metta to a professor or a superior, he or she would give me an A+ or a pay raise (Iâm only half-kidding). By sending it to someone with whom Iâve had a negative encounter, relationships will slowly turn for the better, enmity and ill will shall be transformed into love and light.
No, Metta doesnât Solve Everything
Of course, thereâs no guarantee that metta will always convert ânegativityâ into âpositivityâ, nor is it a panacea for everything in life.
However, I believe that it can help transform the state of oneâs mind – To face lifeâs suffering and problems with a heart of loving-kindness and gentleness.
Over time, as I became a yoga teacher and started leading mindfulness retreat expeditions to the Himalayas, Iâve developed and come up with my practice and cues for leading metta meditation.
These cues are of course consolidated from the various teachers mentioned above. During this pandemic lockdown, I decided to record a 30-min long guided metta meditation. I share it with anyone keen to explore and integrate this practice into their lives.
âWatch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.â This quote is often attributed to Laotzu.
Can we make metta âloving-kindnessâ the character and destiny of our life?
Wise Steps:
If you find it hard to send loving thoughts in your mind, find a safe space and utter them out in words.
Make it a habit to randomly wish someone to be well and happy each day, whether itâs mentally towards someone you love or to random strangers on the streets.
Meditate at least once a week to reset yourself energetically and spiritually.
