TLDR: How can one plan a ‘Buddhist’ wedding in Singapore / Malaysia? Angela shares on how she approached her wedding planning while balancing cultural/societal expectations. Here are 8 tips for a smooth planning process
Planning a wedding can be overwhelming. Planning a Buddhist wedding can be even more daunting. After all, Buddha has never explicitly taught how to plan a wedding. Where do we begin? How much is too much?
After ticking off the bigger tasks like venue, guests list and objectives of the celebration, my partner and I started to brainstorm on Buddhist elements for our wedding. Initially, we wanted to include a Dhamma talk by a renowned Dhamma speaker and a guided meditation session.
We were apprehensive. Apprehensive because we were concerned that our guests from other religions may not be comfortable.
In addition, we were faced with limited time on our wedding programme flow. In the end, we decided to explore more covert ways of creating a Buddhist wedding.
Through relating to the Buddha’s core teachings, we incorporated values of gratitude, giving and the recollection of the triple gems into our wedding. We have put together 8 tried and tested tips that will help you make your wedding more Dhamma-centric.
1. Incorporate giving back to society in your wedding programme
Author and her partner share about how the angbaos will go to charity Credits: Lovemetender films
Giving is one of those gifts that keep giving. You can embody the quality of giving in different ways.
For example, purchasing your door gifts from a social enterprise or setting aside some of your wedding hong bao for donation to the charity of your choice.
For our wedding solemnisation, my partner and I purchased honey jars from HoneySpree in support of underprivileged stay-at-home mums to empower them with financial independence. We also donated to Buddhist organisations and a hospice. Sharing that with our guests during the wedding made many smiles as we ended the celebration. When you spread the joy of your wedding celebrations through giving, more can benefit beyond your guest list.
2. Remove the non-essentials
Letting go is even more important than adding on. Identify what are your top 3 priorities and what are the 3 non-essentials in your wedding. For our wedding, my partner and I removed the cake-cutting ceremony as we could not resonate with the symbolic act of cutting a fake cake (non-essential).
We channelled the time saved to meeting and chatting with our guests (priority).
Identifying what are your priorities and non-essentials will help you focus your effort and money on what matters the most to both of you on your big day. For us, it was being present with our guests instead of rushing from table to table.
If you or your partner feels strongly against one or more of your non-essential, have an open chat and come to a consensus before you continue your planning. For us having a wedding planner, Pei Weddings, was helpful in mediating and helping us find common ground when we could not do it ourselves.
Our wedding planner, Pei Yi, helped remind us not to get carried away by the non-essentials and instead refocus on what is important. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness!
3. Replace champagne pouring with non-alcoholic option
Learning to say no is a sign of wisdom and maturity. In a typical Chinese wedding banquet, drinking alcohol and champagne pouring traditionally represent laughter and happiness.
As practising Buddhists who keep our 5 precepts, one of these training principles is to abstain from drinking alcohol. The intent of this precept is to retain our mindfulness and avoid wrong speech and unwholesome actions that could result from consuming alcohol. Thus, protecting oneself from regret and remorse.
My partner and I requested to replace the bottle of complementary champagne with a pot of tea. Funnily, as I typed this, I recalled how the hotel manager double then triple-confirmed with us as this is her first time receiving this request.
We firmly proceeded to replace the alcohol with tea. The outcome was well received. Many of our guests found this segment on 以茶代酒 very intentional yet not imposing our values on them.
4. Carve out time to give a Gratitude Speech
A thank-you speech is meaningful when it is personalised and well thought through. Use the speech to express your gratitude to your family and friends who meant a lot to you.
If you are like me, who is worried about tearing up while giving my speech (and ruining the bridal makeup), you may want to consider recording your speech and screening the video on the actual day.
It will take a lot more time and effort to film and edit the video, but it ensures you cover all grounds in terms of listing everyone you are grateful for.
5. Recite a sutta that resonates with you
Suttas are the teachings of the Buddha and reciting sutta at a wedding gives your guests and yourself an opportunity to reflect on the Buddha’s teachings (bonus benefit: reciting sutta helps to calm you down!).
We recited our favourite sutta Khp 5: Mangala Sutta (we engraved that sutta on our wedding rings too!). We were fortunate as Venerable You Guang, our esteemed wedding guest, not only made time for our wedding but initiated to lead the recitation of the sutta.
Venerable You Guang went the extra mile to explain what the sutta means. I remembered feeling extremely joyous after the recitation. If reciting sutta feels too much for you, you may want to consider extracting quotes (try the Dhammapada!) from your favourite sutta and weaving the quotes into your speech or decorations.
Author and her partner chanting the mangala sutta Credits: Lovemetender films
6. Invite a Buddhist Solemniser
A good solemniser is important, not just in officiating your marriage, but in giving marriage advice and setting the tone for your solemnisation. If you are looking to engage a Buddhist Solemniser, you may wish to contact Bro Henry Baey (Baey Seng Kah), Sis Foo Siew Fong and Venerable You Guang, to name a few.
Having a solemniser that reminds you of the Buddha’s teachings as you say your vows was memorable as opposed to going through the typical signing of documents with template passages.
7. Make vegetarian meals the default, and provide an option for meat
Every good story needs a villain, and vegetarianism is always cast into this role. My partner, who is a vegetarian, wanted to celebrate our marriage with minimal killing of animals.
I supported his cause in raising awareness of the positive impact of vegetarianism.
For our wedding banquet, we took a bold move to make the vegetarian option the default while providing guests with the option to opt-out and consume meat.
At the end of the banquet, we informed guests of the carbon footprint we reduced simply from their intentional choice to eat vegetarian. This helps to reinforce the positive impact of vegetarianism and that we can celebrate without sacrificing the lives of animals.
8. Take things one step at a time: present moment
Amid running all the tasks and errands, don’t forget that we are human beings and not human doing. Being here and now, helps us to reset when the planning gets overwhelming.
Learn to break big tasks into smaller tasks and take things one step at a time. I remembered feeling so burnt out 4 weeks before the wedding and my attitude then was “I can’t wait to get this over and done with” (aversion towards the present moment and living in the future).
Fortunately, my wise friend reminded me to control what I can control and let go of those beyond my control.
This helped me to reset and return to the present moment. It helps to take a break from the wedding planning, and do things that recharge you, before returning to the wedding planning.
My partner and I also gave ourselves mindful breaks in the hotel rest area for us to refresh our minds before the programme’s next segment. This ensured that we were mindful and fully present.
Author & her partner pausing between each segment. Credits: Author’s maid of honour who captured this moment
9. Cheeky bonus: revise 早生贵子 to 早日碾盘
At our third toast (yum seng), instead of wishing the couple the welcoming of babies (早生贵子), our emcee who is a practising Buddhist switched it up and wished us an opportunity to gain enlightenment (早日碾盘). If you know, you know.
At the end of the day, there is no rite or wrong. A beautiful wedding is one where the newlywed comes together harmoniously and lives the virtues of the triple gems. This leaves you with 3 rings: an engagement ring, a wedding ring and caring. Blessed marriage to you!
Wholesome Wednesdays (WW): Bringing you curated positive content on Wednesdays to uplift your hump day.
There are times in history and present day where we hear of really evil atrocities done to innocent people. Our heart aches with pain for the victim and burns with anger for the perpetrator. As a Buddhist or one that identifies with Buddha’s teachings, is forgiveness the answer? We cover an interview about evil and also how Buddha approached a mass murderer who nearly killed him. Here are two stories:
Can evil people be forgiven?
Buddha faced a mass murderer who tried to kill him. Here’s what happened next.
Can evil people be forgiven?
Cr: Jubilee’s Youtube Channel
What’s going on here & Why we like it
Jubilee, a youtube channel focused on fostering interfaith understanding, does an ask-me-anything with Gyokei, a soto zen monk. We enjoy this interview because of how Venerable Gyokei does not try to give ‘ideal’ or ‘theoretical’ answers but shows his human side. He even refers to his son as a way to empathise with a situation of mass murder.
Often, perpetrators are driven and blinded by three poisons (greed, hatred, delusion) making them heavily trapped in these cycles. Gyokei shares that forgiveness needs to come from understanding that person’s conditions and from there we see a certain humanity within them.
“There are so much more than I’m failing to see and there’s recognition that how did that form of struggle and suffering came to take form and shape
Wise Steps
Is there someone who has wronged us in the past? Are we able to see the conditions that led them to where they are
Forgiveness does not need two parties. It can start from us, releasing us from the prison of repeated pains of the past.
Buddha faced a mass murderer who tried to kill him. Here’s what happened next.
Cr: Vipassana Research Institute
What’s going on here & why we like it
ICRC, International Committee of the Red Cross, provides readers with an abridged version of the Angulimala Sutta which shares how Buddha faced a serial killer (Angulimala) and how that killer eventually became a prominent disciple.
We like this article as it is concise on the story of Anguilimala and it also highlights the humanitarian principles that the Buddha pursued in his life as a teacher. It showed us that even the most deluded/evil of people can be redeemed. It is about seeing how their conditions made them that way and slowly un-conditioning them. This is a useful sutta on how Buddhists can face even the deepest tragedies caused by deluded individuals.
“The Buddha replied, ‘I have stopped, Angulimala. You stop.’”
Wise Steps
How often do we see the world as black and white, and in absolutes? Do we pause to reflect on how complex people are and what conditioned them?
Question deeper: If I was as hurt as these individuals who harm others, will I wish to receive compassion and kindness as well?
Wholesome Wednesdays (WW): Bringing you curated positive content on Wednesdays to uplift your hump day.
Today, we look at two stories with the theme of endings. One talks about how we might inevitably kill our self-confidence. The other talks about our unwillingness to face the uncertainty of death.
1. Here’s how we unwittingly devalue our accomplishments
2. The dying fish fighting over water and the lessons we can learn
Here’s how we unwittingly devalue our accomplishments
Unsplash
What’s going on here
Liz and Mollie, a famous Instagram page for doodles, shares a poignant image of how we shatter our confidence just by simply scrolling through social media. The caption provides greater reflection for those of us who consume social media before we get out of bed in the morning.
Why we like it
This post reminds us of how we can do a disservice to ourselves by scrolling through social media. We often try to use social media to distract us from boredom…only to find ourselves feeling guilty for not moving fast enough/being good enough/being smart enough. This image is an easy reminder to not over-scroll on Instagram.
“If you’ve ever found yourself scrolling and self-loathing, remember that we usually only get to see people’s highlight reels.”
Wise Steps
Set an Instagram timer using its settings to make you pause through your scrolling. This prevents you from going into a loop of self-loathing.
The dying fish fighting over water and the lessons we can learn
Unsplash
What’s going on here
Ṭhānissaro Bhikkhu, a monk famous for translating loads of suttas into English & his uber-low voice, talks about how the impermanence of life can really motivate us to be better people. You could die today, are you ready to go? This 12 mins talk reminds us that if we don’t pull our act together, no one is gonna do it for us.
Why we like it
Venerable Thanissaro challenged us to look at our minds right now, and see if we are like fish fighting in a pond that is being drained of water. His calm narration would lure you back to reality and see what is truly important. This talk reminds us of how things are uncertain and how we can’t control our bodies & health.
“The world is drying up and the fishes are beating each other for whatever water is left.”
Wise Steps
Contemplating the impermanence of life can ground us in the present moment and guide us to prioritise the things that matter most in life. There is work to be done and we can’t be complacent.
Wholesome Wednesdays (WW): Bringing you curated positive content on Wednesdays to uplift your hump day.
Happy Asalha Puja (Dhamma Day)! The lesser known but significant date on the Buddhist calendar. This day marks the first teaching (aka turning of the wheel of the Dhamma) Buddha gave after his enlightenment. The decision to teach the Dhamma had clear results; the first students eventually gained enlightenment! This showed that the Buddha’s method was replicable and accessible to all. Here are two stories to inspire you on this holy day!
1. Established more than 500 years before Oxford University, this Buddhist university is roaring back to life
2. You discovered something profound, who do you share it with? Or do you keep it to yourself?
Established more than 500 years before Oxford University, this Buddhist university is roaring back to life
Credits: BBC
What’s going on here & Why we like it
BBC shares a short reel on Nalanda, a university founded in the 5th Century. It is believed to be the world’s first residential university. Established more than 500 years before Oxford University, at its peak Nalanda hosted over 10,000 students. This video covers the inspiring and amazing task of reviving the university and turning it into a place to develop peace. We like it because it shows how Buddhists with a vision came together to rebuild a place of learning.
“But out of those ashes, now the new university will be coming and that would give the message of peace and nonviolence to the entire globe.”
Wise Steps
Start looking into Buddhist history and head to a museum like ACM in Singapore to understand the rich Buddhist history in Southeast Asia that is often overlooked
You discovered something profound, who do you share it with? Or do you keep it to yourself?
The first five students of the Buddha
What’s going on here & why we like it
Bhikkhu Thanissaro, a famous translator of the suttas into English, shares the significance of Asalha Puja and the journey Buddha took post-enlightenment. We like it because Bhikkhu Thanissaro neatly summarises the importance of the day and how we can take our practice further.
“The truth of stress and truth of suffering is something that eats away at our minds. It doesn’t just sit there and let you know about it. That’s why the Buddha said that our duty is to comprehend it. So as you learn these truths, you learn about how you can implement it.”
Wise Steps
What emotions and desires are you pursuing right now? Reflecting on what we are chasing enables us to realise which of them are causing us deep suffering. Is the suffering worth the chase of our desire? May you grow in the path of peace on this awesome day!
