In this moving episode, Hary shares his journey through profound loss, chronic illness, and emotional burnout. Through the practice of Buddhism and meditation, he finds a path to healing, resilience, and self-compassion. His story is a testament to how the Dhamma can illuminate even the darkest chapters of life.
About the Speakers
👤 Haryono (Harry) is currently Senior Director in P&G, he has 14 years of experience working across APAC markets and lived across Singapore, Indonesia and Philippines. He had near death experience, having coma during his teenage life and now living with type 1 diabetes. Buddhism has helped him understand that there is always peace in whatever suffering and unhappiness with regards to mind and body and it’s up to us on how to make sense of it.
Key Takeaways
Self-kindness is foundational
Responding to suffering with compassion instead of self-blame begins the healing process.
Meditation builds inner strength
Regular practice helps manage emotional and physical pain by observing thoughts non-judgmentally.
The Dhamma offers practical tools
Buddhist teachings, when embodied, provide resilience, clarity, and a pathway out of mental suffering.
Transcript
Full Transcript
[00:00:00] Hary: I thought that going to university, new chapter of life but it turns out to be a four years of nightmares.
[00:00:08] Hary: Two months after I moved, my mom passed away. Even more difficult is I didn’t know that my mom passed away. My family doesn’t wanna tell me because they thought that it will ruin my study. So I ended up learning it from my friends.
[00:00:26] Cheryl: Welcome to the Handful of Leaves podcast, where we share practical Buddhist wisdom for happier life. My name is Cheryl, the host for today’s episode where we will be speaking with Hary.
[00:00:37] Hary: Hi Cheryl. Thank you for having me.
[00:00:39] Cheryl: And so today we will be speaking about how the Dhamma, the Buddha’s teachings, saved Hary’s life and how it helped him through his life crisis.
[00:00:53] Cheryl: So Hary, can you give us a quick introduction about yourself to get to know you?
[00:00:59] Hary: Hi everyone. I’m a survivor of Type one diabetes. So I’m 35 now, I’ve been living with diabetes for 16 years now. I was born a Buddhist, but I never really understanding Buddhism.
[00:01:11] Hary: I still remember childhood a lot of happy memories as well, but a lot, a lot, a lot of painful memories.
[00:01:18] Hary: When I was still young, my loved one, my grandparents, each one of them passed away. My mom was a gambling addict, and she will fight a lot with my dad. Sometimes they like scream at each other. All the neighbors will hear about it and there will be times when me and my brother just crying about it. But there’s also a lot of happy memories, right? The love of your grandparents, and when you’re sick, your mom is taking care of you.
[00:01:44] Hary: So it’s a mix of both, and that’s how life is. When I was young, there was always one thing where I found peace and I couldn’t understand it until now when I learn about Dhamma. somehow I just love rains. When it’s raining I will just pull a chair, outside of the house and just be with the rain. Enjoying the breeze of the rain, the sound of the rain, and the peace of not being anyone, not have to worry about the future, thinking of the past. Only now that I know that it’s a form of being mindful.
[00:02:15] Hary: So I moved to Singapore when I was 17. But then that was the four years in university was one of the toughest period of my life. And diabetes is one of them.
[00:02:27] Hary: But diabetes is not the only thing. My mom has been sick for a really, really long time. Two months after I moved to Singapore , my mom passed away. Even more difficult is I didn’t know that my mom passed away. My family doesn’t wanna tell me because they thought that it will ruin my study. So I ended up learning it from my friends.
[00:02:47] Cheryl: How did you take that in when you heard from your friends?
[00:02:50] Hary: I was just crying in a very devastating state of mind. It was very painful memory. Like even now, the painful memory still bring up the unpleasant feelings. Then I quickly book the tickets back at home so that I can attend the funeral and say my last goodbye before all the burial and stuff.
[00:03:09] Hary: And that was like death keep coming up, right? Always something that I was always dreadful about, sometimes to the point that I felt that it’s easier for us to die than seeing our loved one die.
[00:03:21] Hary: And then after that, my medical complication is just gone worse. Six months before I was in coma for diabetes, I was infected with tuberculosis, I will feel pain after just 15 minutes of walking. After 30 minutes of walking, it’ll be unbearable pain. I thought that going to university, you know, new chapter of life but it turns out to be a four years of nightmares where there’s a lot of suffering.
[00:03:47] Cheryl: While all of that hitting you at a very, very young age. How did the Dhamma, that was just a theory became meaningful to you?
[00:03:56] Hary: I didn’t really found out Dhamma until I was probably at my breaking point, right. I remember I have to sort of like injecting myself every time I go out lunch and dinner with friends.
[00:04:07] Hary: And the emotional swing from high blood sugars, low blood sugars, I couldn’t really understand how it affected my emotions. So I went into a state of depression. But I was able to move out of the depression by telling myself that life is so unfair. If life is so unfair, I have to work five times harder to be able to compete with other people.
[00:04:31] Hary: I was able to move a bit of from the depression, but by putting a lot of more self pressure. But think about it, that, that just make you self criticize, putting a lot more stress on yourself.
[00:04:44] Cheryl: But at the short term, it seems to be the best coping mechanism. Correct? Correct. But for the long term, it just burnt you out all the way.
[00:04:51] Hary: Exactly, and it really did happen, right?
[00:04:53] Hary: I was lucky enough to join P&G. It is a good company, treated me extremely well, but work can be very stressed, so that bottle up stress eventually exploded. I could not sleep well. When I go into meeting and when the meeting doesn’t go well, I would like overthink and self criticize.
[00:05:13] Hary: I should have said this, I should have said that. I should have prepared this, should have prepared that. And I keep thinking and lingering over and over to the point that I don’t sleep. I don’t have time to go out with my friends anymore and then that was the moment in time I felt like life is just — on top of all the suffering that you already have with the mental suffering, I was like “why is life worth living?”
[00:05:34] Hary: And why do I have to go through every day? Then one point in time I said that, guys, this is so unbearable, I need to find a cure. Then, probably this is coincidence in life that I went to a talk and the talk topic was how the mind works. It was talked by one of the Buddhist practitioners in Singapore.
[00:05:54] Hary: She actually talk about how the mind create all these suffering and how, if we are not being too personal with it, we don’t need to suffer this much. And somehow it just resonate with me that everything that I created is really self-created. It’s not because of external environment. And then I talked to her after the talk.
[00:06:15] Hary: So I said that, Hey, I’m so unhappy in life. What is your suggestion? And her advice is so simple. Say that “Hary, you just need to strengthen your mind so that you are not caught up into this mental suffering.” The only way to do that is that you need to strengthen your mind through meditations. And she gave an analogy about preparing for marathon. If you never run for a marathon and you try to run for a marathon, you’re never able to do that, right? It will be a massive suffering because your body is just not built to it, right? Same with the mental suffering. So she told me that, Hary, I just started a Friday meditation class in the evening.
[00:06:54] Hary: Why don’t you try to join? So I started to go to the Friday meditation class and I try to do it every day. And gosh, it’s so difficult to meditate.
[00:07:07] Hary: Especially when you just love thinking, love solving problem, love to create. So your mind just couldn’t stop thinking. And then I always felt that I practice very diligently. I do it every day. And I get nothing after putting so much effort. But there was one night I was telling myself that, after all the effort that I give, if it doesn’t work, it’s okay.
[00:07:29] Hary: And that night when I was meditating, my mind went into a very deep concentration zone where it was just all contentment.
[00:07:38] Hary: There’s no thinking and it’s just so nice. And when I came out of the meditations, that’s where everything is just in slow motions and she then talked more about there is a Buddhism learning that you have to experience and learn. And that’s how I learned more about Buddhism and how my journey to practice started.
[00:07:59] Cheryl: This is really, really incredible and your experience where you let go of all the expectations to get a calm mind just reminded me of Venerable Ananda striving for enlightenment. After the Buddha passed, he was rushing to get enlightened before the, you know, the First Buddhist Council. And. Whole night. Right? The whole night. He was just trying so hard to get enlightened. And then when he kind of, semi gave up, right? He just put his head down to the pillow and then the moment his head touched the pillow because of all that letting go, he just achieved enlightenment.
[00:08:32] Hary: Exactly. And, it’s like when we read it, it’s like stories, but when you learn more Buddhism, it’s really about letting go, letting go of craving, clinging, the self, the self-view, investigating internally then, operating externally as like there is a being with an external world.
[00:08:51] Hary: So, so yeah, that’s the power of Buddhism and the power of the Dhamma where it encourage investigations. When you experience it, you start to like, oh, so that’s what it means. And then it gives you a lot more courage and understanding that there is a path that can really end the suffering in this lifetime alone.
[00:09:09] Cheryl: So I want to understand, from the first time you attended the talk and your first experience of stillness what shifted in you and how did you then relate to your suffering differently after that? Because the diabetes still remains, you are still currently having, right?
[00:09:28] Hary: Yeah. And again, the stillness is just a momentary stillness. Then after that, when the stillness disappear, life, the suffering still back, right? But at least it gives me a confidence that there is that moment where I don’t feel much suffering, but I only feel contentment.
[00:09:46] Hary: So that was the first time where I said that, you know what? I’m gonna study Buddhism really, really intensively. I went for Buddhism 101. I spend my Saturday, Sunday learning Buddhism and go for more meditation classes, and put more intention and intentionality and use my weekends within that, right? Then when you’re able to meditate longer in time, you are able to see how just the mind works in more minute parts right? Now, how does it help with the diabetes management? It helps with a lot of self control, right? Because when you are someone who’s lived with diabetes, first of all, you need to maintain a very healthy lifestyle, so even though there is so many good food in the world, you have to put a lot of restraint.
[00:10:31] Hary: Even though when craving arises, you know, don’t go into that craving. How do you see how the mind works and then how do you put more discipline by just watching the mind more and then let go of your craving of all the nice food that is poisonous to you. More importantly, diabetes is not something that caused me a lot of suffering to be very honest, because I felt like the mental suffering from all the things that have happened is so much more for me than my bodily sort of like pain, discomfort.
[00:11:05] Hary: So Buddhism for me, really, really take me out of that cycle of mental suffering. I’m still suffering day on day, there is still things that cause unhappiness in life, but Buddhism helps me to not get cling to that mental state.
[00:11:22] Hary: So for example, you go to work, it didn’t go as per your plans, when that unhappiness started to come, the self criticism come again and then just see that, it just arises and then just watching it. And rather than keep giving a lot of story and energies to the thought, you just let it go and watch it, and then slowly disappear.
[00:11:41] Hary: And that’s where I can live daily, having a lot more contentment and that’s how Buddhism kind of like pulled me out from that cycle of suffering.
[00:11:53] Cheryl: I’m just curious at this stage of your practice what do you think is an aspect of Dhamma, which you still find difficult to apply in your daily life, especially when the mental suffering that arises is very strong?
[00:12:11] Hary: I realize that it will become stronger if I do not keep my practice. But remember, I used to give a lot of excuse why I could not practice.
[00:12:19] Hary: But the last retreat in December where I was with Luang Por Viradhammo retreat in Malaysia, somehow just give me a new determination that, you know what, I will stick with the practices from now on. There is no more excuses, no matter how hard it is, right? So since then, I try to always wake up in the morning, even though it’s tiring to, you know, meditations right?
[00:12:50] Hary: Making coffee in the morning. It’s also the time to practice, right? Because I kept being reminded by many senior monks, they say that, hey, you don’t really need a time to meditate. You can also meditate by doing your daily activity. Because the idea of meditation is really about watching the feeling of the mind, the emotion of the mind. And these days what I like to do is just keep watching on the heart.
[00:13:12] Cheryl: What do you mean watching the heart?
[00:13:14] Hary: Watching the heart is not the physical organ of the heart. In Pali, they call it Citta, some of the monks call it the mind, some of it call it the heart. I found it, it’s a lot more closest to the heart because when we are stressed, there is a lot of compressing energies in this area. So when I was watching the heart, just keep it opened, right? If there is pleasant and unpleasant feeling, rather than pushing it away, I just watch it and accept it in the heart.
[00:13:46] Hary:It helps a bit steady the emotions more throughout, there’s a lot more kindness because you just stay in the heart, right? And somehow I find heart… there’s a lot of kindness in the heart, you can be a lot more kinder to also other people.
[00:14:01] Hary: And you tend to accept both the unhappiness and the happiness without attaching to both the pleasant and unpleasant sensation.
[00:14:10] Cheryl: you know, I’ve heard Ajahn Jayasaro share that the equation of suffering “S” = “P” x “R” And “P” is pain, r resistance or the non-acceptance of it multiplies the pain equals suffering.
[00:14:25] Cheryl: And with that equation, there is actually a situation where you can have pain, but because you have zero resistance, you can actually have zero suffering.
[00:14:38] Hary: Absolutely, and I can attest to that. When we practice over time we keep learning new things.
[00:14:43] Hary: There was one time where, I think I was pretty good at meditation because I practice a lot and when you’re good in meditations you are like, oh, there is like unpleasant feeling, push it away. You try to kind of like bury it right with a lot of your mental strength, but I realized that it never really helps.
[00:15:02] Hary: It helps on that momentary in time, but it will always come back and it come back typically stronger. Same thing with bodily pain. When you’re meditating, you have like a leg pain. When you’re like, oh, leg pain, you go away. I will just stay in awareness because I don’t like you.
[00:15:18] Hary: And the, the pain tends to become multipliers because it will come back. But when you’re just accepting it, like I said, like open the heart and be kind to the pain because the pain always there, the pain just much, much lesser because you are accepting it. You are allowing it to be present.
[00:15:37] Hary: But you are not attaching yourself that I am in pain. There is just a pain. There is a bodily sensations. And one of the trick that I also do for people who are practicing quite well for the eight precept, right? Where you only eat once a day and then you don’t eat anymore. You’ll feel hungry, right? And that is unpleasant sensation. So if you accept the feeling of hunger because you know, hunger will arise because there is a condition to it, right?
[00:16:03] Hary: Then you perceive that as hunger, and then you’re just allowing that to come in, and then when the hunger feeling dissipated, it’s just a warm sensation on the stomach. That’s what I felt that just allowing it to come rather than pushing away.
[00:16:18] Hary: Because when you say that, oh, I’m hungry, or I’m so miserable with hunger, it will just multiply that again. You’re giving it a lot of thoughts, a lot of energies.
[00:16:27] Cheryl: All the suffering comes when we attach to the sensation and start to add the likes and dislikes, thoughts about it, opinions about it, and that’s where we suffer.
[00:16:37] Cheryl: But if we just simply boil it down to the essence, it’s really just a sensation that arises, exist for a while, and it ceases, nothing more to that.
[00:16:45] Hary: Right. Yeah, it’s an analogy of illusions. There are external things that happens to us, but we creating a lot more illusion or what I call as unnecessary illusions and storytelling that create that suffering. When you are in that zone, why don’t you just say that, hey, there’s just a storytelling that is happening to yourself, and it’s just a story, right? Don’t take so much of meaning about it. Just stop, you know, believing in that story.
[00:17:12] Cheryl: And I want to ask you now, with the inner resources that you have built to take care of your heart and yourself, what would you tell yourself in the darkest moments in your life?
[00:17:23] Hary: I don’t think I have that darkest moment anymore. And that’s why I believe that the Dhamma pulled me out of that darkest moment. Yeah there is a bit of suffering here and there, but it’s a momentary suffering because you can, with Dhamma understanding, you can just like understand suffering as just suffering.
[00:17:41] Hary:And suffering also arises and passes away. And when it passes away, then there is no more suffering. When you see the Dhamma, you understand the Dhamma, the power of the Dhamma. I will not trade anything in the world for it.
[00:17:56] Hary: So for example, I have a late night call. A lot of business problem to solve, and then my mind go into like, oh, like stress. Then I remember that, you know, the work day is already end. I cannot solve it now anyway, so just compartmentalize it, putting it away, and meditate.
[00:18:16] Hary: Just be with my present, watch the heart and then just go to sleep. And then the day arises, Monday’s gonna come, the problem’s gonna be there, will come again. Then you understand that it arises, let it arise in the heart, and then slowly it will die down from the heart, and then you go on and live life in more contentment.
[00:18:36] Cheryl: Where you’re at now, what would you tell the you who first found out about your mother’s passing away? What advice or what comfort would you offer?
[00:18:47] Hary: I will tell myself that, I’m sure you have a lot of suffering right now. It’s okay to suffer. Because at that point in time when there is a lot of suffering, because of obviously losing someone that is very close to you, create a lot more suffering in the feeling of regret. Regret of, I could be kinder to my mom, I could be nicer to my mom. I could call her more often from Singapore. A regret of leaving her in pain.
[00:19:20] Hary: So I’ll tell myself that you are in a lot of suffering. It’s okay. Be kind to yourself. You cannot change the past. Don’t let the past eat you. I’m sure that you can do better, but you know it’s already done. So falling into the place of regret and keep thinking about where you should have, could have done better doesn’t really help.
[00:19:46] Hary: So just be kind to yourself.
[00:19:47] Cheryl: Thank you for sharing that, Hary. And now, what does a meaningful life mean to you and how do you make your life meaningful every single day?
[00:20:00] Hary:Meaningful life to me is being content at every single time, at every single moment to be very honest. I know a lot of people have a lot of bigger sort of like mission in life, want to elevate suffering of a lot of people. For me, maybe because I’ve also seen a lot of suffering in myself, my first mission is to remove that as much as I can while also helping other people as much as I can.
[00:20:28] Hary: But where meaningful life to me is be more and more content with life, be less and less personal with life. I always think about this life, that started after 19 years when I almost died, is my second life. In a weird way, I do not fear about death anymore because it’s my second life, right?
[00:20:51] Hary: So whatever additional day I have until that is an incremental life that I had in this world. But I do want to practice as much as I can to see the Dhamma and the deeper part of the Dhamma so that we can live life that has more contentment. When you see a lot of all the very senior monk who practices all the way through their entire lifetime, for me, I’ve never seen people who are as happy and as content as them. Even though they’re old, even though they are having a lot of suffering, right? With the aging and health problem. I want to be like them, so light and I don’t think there’s anything that bothers them. They still feel unpleasant feeling, they still feel pain, but they’re just not bothered by it. Right? So that’s my goal in life. I wanna be more like them so they become an aspiration.
[00:21:43] Hary: While we heard a lot of stories about the Buddha, I’ve never seen the Buddha. I know he exists, but I cannot see that. But that is how I project, like if a Buddha would have experienced life, it’s like the embodiment in them, and that’s how the Buddha, the Dhamma and the Sangha cultures continue. And the Sangha members are the people who you truly respect. And it give you an aspiration that what is the fruit of practice will be right here and now in the present moment.
[00:22:11] Cheryl: Yeah. And I think here and now is something that is so particularly inspiring that the Buddha walk the Earth 2,500 years ago. But yet today in 2025, we still see people who practice the Dhamma well, embodying such beautiful qualities and that we can also be able to cultivate and train ourselves to that level.
[00:22:31] Hary: Absolutely, absolutely right. So when Ajahn Chah always mention about when you’re breathing, you can meditate anytime. You can be content every time, right? So yeah, we have a long way, journey to go to slowly let go of the things that bond us to suffering.
[00:22:48] Cheryl: What is something that you still find difficult in letting go at this moment?
[00:22:55] Hary: Bodily pain is still extremely hard because I have a bit of scoliosis, so sometimes when I sit too long the pain can be quite unbearable.
[00:23:05] Hary:The ego also can be very hard in terms of the work context. Because we all want to achieve something, and we don’t like to be blamed on something, right? So I think that ego it’s still there, you always want a nicer output.
[00:23:23] Cheryl: It’s like the eight worldly winds, but we only want four of it. All the good stuff.
[00:23:27] Hary: Yes, yes, yes, yes. You know, where I started to make more of the daily practices, I remember that business was very tough at work. There’s just a lot of debates with the leadership teams, and everyone’s, when debating the egos is like very strong, right?
[00:23:45] Hary: So one of the things that I’m practicing right now is to be extremely kind. And don’t put my own ego in that conversations, right? So always there like, Hey, how can I help you? Why do you feel that way? And then I realized that people respond with kindness. Rather than when you try to debate because you try to prove your point is better.
[00:24:07] Hary: So these days I try to let go as much as I can. Try to be kind to that person and they responded. And I found that, that in a difficult environment, they’ll respond the kindness, it become like, oh, I can understand your point of view.
[00:24:23] Hary: Here’s my point of view. How do we work? And then sometime my colleagues say that, how come the boss doesn’t flip on you? But it flipped on us even though I was bringing the same point.
[00:24:34] Hary: But I always told them that, perhaps I just speak it slow. There’s not much of intention of debating.
[00:24:40] Cheryl: you are saying the exact same thing that your colleagues are saying. Just your whole intention is much more wholesome. So the way it’s received is also a lot more open, a lot more collaborative.
[00:24:51] Hary: Correct. When you speak with kindness, the first thing that will happen more is that you smile more also when you make your point, right? And when you are a bit more mindful also with the kindness, you tend to speak slower so that you can see other peoples’ body reaction better. Then when they want to speak, you can already start pausing rather than keep going on the train journey of like sharing your idea. So then you allow people to comes in naturally and then there is real discussions instead of it become a debate.
[00:25:22] Hary: So that was what I found was sort of like a new interesting Dhamma practical application in a stressful work environment.
[00:25:31] Cheryl: I just recall one very tense conversation I had with a manager and she was getting very emotional. She was raising her voice and starting to use a lot of accusation. I was just being very mindful, speaking deliberately, very slowly and in a calm tone and opening the conversation into how can we solve this problem? And after a while, she was able to calm herself down and then she realized, oh, she’s really reacting too over emotionally, and that then her focus came back to the right thing, to the problem at hand.
[00:26:06] Cheryl: It really does work and, and people really react to the way that we try to show up.
[00:26:12] Hary: Correct. And that’s another example of the Dhamma practical applications that has fruits in it. Right. That we can see here and now.
[00:26:20] Cheryl: And is there a final, a key message that you want to share with our listeners today?
[00:26:27] Hary: I only have one advice — Always be kind to yourself, no matter how bad hardship and suffering that you face. You have two options. Either blame yourself or you can be more kind to yourself. You know, I preferred the second one over the first one because I tried the first one.
[00:26:47] Hary: And it didn’t really help. And I went to even more suffering because of that. So whoever you are there who are facing some challenges start always, always by being kind to yourself.
[00:27:01] Hary: And then hopefully some of you who are practicing the Dhamma can use the Dhamma to kind of like alleviate a little bit of the suffering day by day with your practice.
[00:27:12] Cheryl: One way I have been practicing being kind to myself, is actually just starting the day by acknowledging the good qualities, acknowledging the effort that I try in times that are difficult or in areas that I’m struggling or not yet good at. And just taking a moment to realize, ooh, it’s not easy at all.
[00:27:33] Cheryl: And that the fact that I’m still showing up, I’m still putting effort. It’s deserving of a pat on the back.
[00:27:39] Hary: Absolutely. And then also you can also think about things that are, you’ve done good, right? Those of you who practice generosity to other people, you can also reflect that, right?
[00:27:50] Hary: Hey, you’ve done good in life. Give yourself pat in the back. Or sometimes, by the way, I also like to do this when I’m extremely stressed: I say that it’s okay, then I go back to my breathing.
[00:28:01] Hary: If I cannot go, if I cannot go to my heart, automatically, I’ll just do this. It’s okay. Life will be okay. You know, all this suffering will be okay. You’re not alone. Right? And I tell myself that, you know, I’m here with you whatever that suffering is.
[00:28:15] Cheryl: You know, just putting my hand here, I already just feel so so, so comfortable and so soothed. so yeah, thank you for sharing that as well. And thank you for sharing about your journey and it’s extremely inspiring how you have gone through basically a 360 degree change in your mindset in how you view suffering as well. So to all our listeners, thank you for staying to the end as well. So stay tuned and join us in our next episode. Stay happy and wise.
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Editor and transcriber of this episode:
Hong Jiayi, Tan Si Jing, Bernice Bay, Cheryl Cheah
TLDR: In a world dominated by short-term thinking, He Rui Ming, co-founder of Woke Salaryman, highlights the detrimental effects on society and the environment. Drawing from Buddhist principles, he urges mindfulness in spending, ethical investing, and supporting politicians with long-term visions.
One of the important ingredients to anyone’s success is the ability to think long-term. Unfortunately, in today’s world where addiction to instant gratification is prevalent, long-term thinking is in short supply.
And this is a problem for me, you, and the world. How so?
Today, we can already witness and experience the adverse effects of short-term thinking in our society. Pollution, corruption, and many poor decisions. These poor decisions, compounded over decades can become insurmountable, and seemingly irreversible forces.
In Buddhism, the concept of interdependence teaches us that all beings are interconnected and that our actions have far-reaching consequences.
Failing to consider the long-term implications of our actions would be disregarding the natural law of cause and effect, which then perpetuates a vicious cycle of suffering.
Adopting some Buddhist principles can help guide us to be part of the solution, not the problem. Here are three areas to consider:
1. Mindful spending and conscious consumerism
The problem:
The average consumer is guilty of overbuying.Many of us adopt a ‘buy-and-throw-away culture’ when it comes to goods and services. We often change our clothes, not because they’ve reached the end of their usable lifespan; but rather, because fashion tastes have changed. The same applies to gadgets and appliances that roll out with new features every year.
There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting new things for a better life but our consumption habits are extremely pollutive, with serious implications for the planet’s sustainability. For instance, fashion production alone contributes to 10% of global carbon emissions, resulting in massive land waste.
And how often are our spending habits fueled by our sense of lack and insecurities, thereby perpetuating the cycle of desire and dissatisfaction?
The solution:
The practice of mindfulness can help address this issue and turn us into more conscious buyers. For example, instead of succumbing to the urge for constant novelty, we can prioritise durable, sustainably produced goods that minimise environmental impact. We can also practice repairing and maintaining items, extending their lifespan and reducing waste.
Mindfulness can also enable us to recognise moments when our spending habits are external manifestations of our inner lack. By acknowledging the underlying emotions and unhealthy desires, we can avoid falling into the trap of shopping addiction and overspending. Instead, we can focus on fulfilling our long-term needs and goals, such as saving for a house or investing in experiences that bring more lasting satisfaction.
2. Ethical Investing: Aligning financial choices with long-term sustainability and social responsibility
The problem:
Typically, people invest in a company with profit-making as the main priority. The quicker the profits, the bigger the gains, the better. But this too, has implications. Are the companies that we invest in prioritising shareholders’ desire for gains at the expense of the other important factors that contribute to the long-term success of a company? Employee welfare and wages, environmental sustainability, safety, ethics, product quality, just to name a few.
Don’t get me wrong – profit is definitely important too, but it’s just one measure of success. When we prioritise profit above all other factors, we risk fueling a destructive cycle that harms society, nations, and the environment.
Ultimately, we, as investors, will bear the brunt of these negative impacts.
For example, supporting companies engaged in corruption and unethical business practices can worsen social inequalities and fuel social unrest and political instability. This instability may lead to disruptions in business operations, widespread layoffs, and a ripple effect on the economy, driving up the cost of living and eroding the stability of financial markets.
The solution:
Advocate for companies that demonstrate a commitment to making a positive impact on society and the environment, even if it means sacrificing short-term profits. As the Buddha taught, Right Livelihood involves earning a living through ethical and morally upright means, avoiding occupations that cause harm to oneself or others.
By practicing sustainable investing and prioritising companies that uphold ethical business practices, we align our investments with the principles of right livelihood.
Consider incorporating environmental, social, and corporate governance (ESG) factors into our investment decisions to make more informed and responsible choices. This approach not only promotes long-term financial sustainability but also contributes to the well-being of society, nations, and the planet as a whole.
3. Policy advocacy: Shifting political priorities towards long-term societal benefits
The problem:
In many democracies around the world, short-term thinking often rears its ugly head in the form of election cycle fever – typically five years.
Politicians, understandably eager for re-election, may prioritise policies yielding quick wins and popularity instead of playing the long game for societal benefits.
For example, a country might opt to deplete its national reserves for immediate welfare benefits rather than endure painful austerity measures. While this may provide short-term relief, it burdens future generations with long-term consequences.
However, this shortsighted approach is not solely the responsibility of politicians. We, as voters, also shape political priorities. Our demand for immediate results often influences politicians to adopt short-term strategies to secure our votes.
For instance, we may support candidates offering quick fixes to pressing issues, even if they lack long-term sustainability. This pressure from voters incentivises politicians to prioritise short-term gains over long-term benefits.
The solution:
Back political leaders implementing policies that address long-term societal challenges, such as climate change and ageing populations. When we align our votes with candidates who demonstrate a genuine commitment to tackling complex issues with long-term solutions, we send a powerful message to politicians and policymakers. We signal that we prioritise the well-being of future generations over immediate gratification, and we demand leadership that considers the long-term consequences of their decisions.
Furthermore, as voters, we have the responsibility to educate ourselves on the long-term implications of policy choices and to hold our elected officials accountable for their actions.
By actively engaging in the political process and advocating for policies that promote sustainability and resilience, we can help shape a brighter future for ourselves and for generations to come.
By shifting our perspective to a long-term lens, we can make balanced, sustainable decisions. It’s the equivalent of swapping junk food for a nourishing meal, pacing oneself in a marathon, and focusing on lifelong learning over exam scores.
This mindset promotes collective well-being, helping us become not just better individuals, but also better members of our shared world.
Remember – the more people think short-term, the more we suffer.
Wise Steps:
Cultivate Contentment: Find joy and satisfaction in what you already have, reducing the impulse for excessive consumption and materialistic desires.
Develop Patience: Learn to endure short-term challenges with equanimity, and allow time for positive actions to yield results.
Cultivate Compassion: Considering the well-being of others and the environment in our actions and decisions to promote collective welfare over individualistic pursuits.
Hello, welcome to the Handful of Leaves podcast. So we will be getting up close and personal with the founders of Handful of Leaves, getting to know their journey with Buddhism, their personal life up and down and to understand why the both of them come together to found HOL.
[00:00:17] Kai Xin:
Hi, I’m Kai Xin. I co-founded HOL with Heng Xuan. I’m an introvert. That’s one thing to know. I run an agency in my day job. This is something that I’m doing on a voluntary basis.
[00:00:29] Heng Xuan:
Hi everyone, my name is Heng Xuan. I work in the finance industry. I did HOL because I felt there was a gap in the Buddhist landscape. So I got Kai Xin into this wild roller coaster to do Handful of Leaves. But a bit more about myself. I enjoy working out daily, just sweating it all out, especially after one tough day of work. That’s about me.
[00:00:47] Cheryl:
I must say, Xuan is everyone’s personal fitness coach. Dragging everyone to the gym and making sure we clock our workout hours in. I think Kai Xin has also been a victim of that. Yes.
[00:00:58] Heng Xuan:
Supporting my team.
[00:01:01] Cheryl:
So, yes, let’s know a little bit more about your journey with Buddhism.
[00:01:06] Heng Xuan:
For me, I started Buddhism, I’m brought up in a family that’s pretty much nominal Buddhist. So it means that at every start of the year, you go to the temple to pray and all of that. And then you just offer joss sticks. And then the temple is very nice, they give you a pencil and ruler.
[00:01:18] Kai Xin:
Okay, yeah, never got that before.
[00:01:20] Heng Xuan:
Yeah, it’s basically to be smart, and hopefully, the ruler helps you pass your exams.
[00:01:24] Kai Xin:
Then why I’m not as smart? I never get a ruler.
[00:01:26] Cheryl:
I thought the ruler was for your parents to whack you.
[00:01:29] Heng Xuan:
I mean, if you don’t study hard, then yeah, it’s a great mechanism there. So for me, growing up a nominal Buddhist, I went to a mission school and then that made me question like, what am I doing? Maybe it’s cooler to join Sunday service and stuff. So I experimented with a lot of different religions. Then came a point when I was 13, and there was a newspaper article advertising this monk, talking about Ghost Month. It was actually this monk called Ajahn Brahm. And I was like, eh, very weird, eh. There’s a Caucasian monk talking about Ghost Month. So, my mother said, you wanna go? Then I was like, just go.
And then I found myself straight away diving into Buddhism, cause there was a group called Buddhist Fellowship Youth. They had bowling, they had singing, karaoke, and as a 13-year-old, I think that was really fun. Going there for the friendship. Then after I started learning Buddhism, I took it off all the way to where I am now.
[00:02:09] Cheryl:
Wow, I love how from a nominal Buddhist, all these little seeds that were planted by the temple, the Ang Mo Monk (Ajahn Brahm), your mom really just brought you into understanding the Dhamma. I’m very curious, what made you dedicated to giving back to Buddhism?
[00:02:23] Heng Xuan:
Yeah, so I started off as a kid that was really impulsive, and also angry at times. Cause I did karate and I will actually try out the different techniques. I will fight with fellow classmates in secondary school and in primary school. I wanted to just charge through life. Everything must go my way. And the Buddha taught that not everything goes your way, right? A lot of things are outside of our control. And that change that I saw in myself improved my relationships with people all around me. And that’s something that I want to bring across to people around the world and help make people’s life really more light, and less dark.
[00:02:55] Cheryl:
And it’s beautiful how it all started from yourself. You noticed the change, and that’s how you wanted to give back to other people. I’m very curious if you had something similar with Xuan as well, in terms of your journey.
[00:03:07] Kai Xin:
Oh for sure. So Xuan was the one who brought me to Buddhism. He’s like my 贵人 (benefactor), I always say that. Yeah, and Buddhist Fellowship is where I started. We met at an orientation camp in Poly and he’s very good at recruiting. So he’s like, oh you like meditation, right? There’s a retreat coming up. So I’m like sure and what stood out to me was first, I never knew that meditation can be taught. I thought it was just breathing, just sit there, close your eyes. I remember it was a one-day retreat and it felt really good. So I thought there must be something deeper to that.
There were a lot of talks around misconceptions of Buddhism, and it blew my mind because being a nominal Buddhist, my mom and my dad would pray. I would always go to Guan Yin Ma temple at Waterloo Street. I didn’t get a pen and ruler, but I would ask Guan Yin Ma to bless me for good results. Yeah okay lah, can pass. But I realized there’s something more to that.
So when I got to know about the misconception, it blew my mind because I realized that, hey, what I was taught from young, I thought that was Buddhism, but it’s the complete opposite of what the Buddha taught, right? Rites and ritual, it is a good form of increasing our faith, but it’s not the thing. It’s really about releasing ourselves from suffering. And then I started volunteering as a youth leader. So again, he recruited me to be a part of the EXCO member. Yeah, just constantly serving. It feels like a crime to not give back because I’ve benefited so much.
[00:04:35] Cheryl:
That’s a very huge statement to make actually.
[00:04:37] Kai Xin:
A crime. Really, really. It’s like you’ve benefited from someone or something and then you see other people who can also benefit from it. And you just turn a blind eye. Like how could you do that, right? The analogy would be if you see a kitten that is injured on the street, are you just gonna walk away? Yeah, so when people ask me for help, then I would say okay. Yeah, sure. Why not? And I don’t see myself doing anything other than serving the Dhamma, it’s like the most meaningful thing that anyone can do, I feel, yeah.
[00:05:11] Cheryl:
Wow, I think it’s interesting you brought up the presentation that Xuan made about the misconceptions about Buddhism because that was when I had an aha moment when Xuan presented that exact same deck. And I actually reached out to say, could I use this presentation and share it with the KL community because it was that impactful. I was like, wow, it really changed my mind as well about what Buddhism is about.
Fun fact as well, I was also introduced to the Buddhist community by Xuan through one of the camps, the Pushing Boundaries Camp. And that’s how I got in touch with all the other communities. So thanks, Xuan!
[00:05:41] Kai Xin:
Another fun fact, Cheryl came all the way from Malaysia to Singapore for the camp, based in Singapore. So really kudos to you, and now you’re residing in Singapore.
[00:05:50] Cheryl:
Yeah. Yeah, awesome. I love how our journeys are all kind of interconnected in some way. All these little seeds are planted. But what brought you guys together to actually work on HOL?
[00:06:03] Kai Xin:
You have to ask the brain behind it.
[00:06:05] Cheryl:
Oh, okay.
[00:06:06] Heng Xuan:
So I think Handful of Leaves is pretty much a COVID baby. We actually talked about many ideas. So over the years, Kai Xin and I did many, many random stuff in the Buddhist community, from selling stickers to selling T-shirts just to make Buddhism cool again. So the start point for Handful of Leaves is actually many years before, but the little thing that pushes you across is COVID. Vesak was coming and there were lots of Buddhist Organizations that were really optimistic that they could still do Vesak Day. So we decided to just curate this directory that allows people to actually seek out where they want to go.
So that is how we actually get the emails. Then after we get the emails, we get the data of how many people visit our website, and how many people go. Then we started to curate, how can we build a resource for people to anchor their practice on. And that’s where we found there’s a huge gap because in the Buddhist world, you will only have the option of Dhamma book or listening to one and a half hours of Dhamma talk and you have no clue what is Kamma, what is Vipaka, all these random Pali words. And we felt that there’s a gap and we said, yeah, let’s do this. Let’s give it a trial. We do user testing and all the funky tech stuff. Yeah, coming together. That’s how we kind of started.
[00:07:15] Cheryl:
And what made you decide to work with him?
[00:07:18] Kai Xin:
Oh, I’m super aligned with the goal and also I feel the urge to fix this problem. So the Vesak directory was kind of like a band-aid, a very short-term solution to a bigger problem, right? Yes, we direct people to different online Vesak events, but what is next? And just now he mentioned Pali words and… Things that are not very relevant or accessible to people at least from a language standpoint or you have to go through maybe pūjā which is chanting, the rituals in order to then get the gem of the teaching some people they don’t even know, what am I chanting? Is this a cult? You know, like what does it sound so foreign? So boring. Yeah. So if we do it in a very traditional way I think the barrier to entry for people to understand the true Teaching is very high. When we were talking about the directory, we said, actually what is bigger than this? Content? We are actually quite lagging behind in terms of the Buddhist scene. We don’t have much content on the net. Even if we have maybe the website would look very 1990s and it really takes a person who is truly seeking to be able to get past that to then uncover the golden nuggets behind it.
So, what Handful of Leaves really stands for is practical Buddhist wisdom for a happier life. Because you really want to make it very relevant and accessible to what is happening in the day-to-day challenges that you don’t usually hear of in the temple. Yeah. So, for instance, the taboo subject is premarital sex. Is that a misconduct? Because people feel guilty about it and there are genuine questions around. And I think it is a little bit more tricky for monks and nuns or monastic members to talk about such things or even down to How do you take care of your mental well-being at work, toxic workplaces? So I’m very aligned with that, just like, yeah, sure, let’s do this. And here we are three years later.
[00:09:06] Cheryl:
HOL is like your toddler that’s three years old. Do you think that the problem that you’re trying to solve from when you first started is still the same?
[00:09:13] Heng Xuan:
I would agree that it’s yes and no. We plug the gap. It’s a ship that has many holes and you’re like hammering in one after three years and then you look behind you and there’s more holes to fill.
[00:09:22] Cheryl:
Oh no, it’s like whack a mole where everything keeps coming up. Yeah, correct. Yeah.
[00:09:28] Kai Xin:
So I guess the first hole that we were trying to fix on the ship was how do we get more reach so that people who are truly searching would be able to find us. So we have social media. And people do find us organically on Google as well. Then, the next hole that we are trying to fix right now is, okay, now we are volunteering. It takes a lot of time and also a lot of effort. I mean, you will know because you are doing the podcast with me, right? Like transcribing and stuff. It takes a lot of effort. It’s like a full-time job on its own. Then, it becomes an operational challenge that we have to fix. How can we sustain this in the long run so that the ship can continue to sail?
Then there are more problems. When we engage with our community they start saying, hey, can you talk about this particular topic? You’re like, okay. We are not that experienced about this then what should we do? We invite experts and constantly experimenting with different ways of providing practical Buddhist wisdom for a happier life.
[00:10:21] Cheryl:
And you agreed with her. Do you want to share more?
[00:10:23] Heng Xuan:
Yeah, so I think the whole idea, why I think that there’s relative success is, we found actually quite a number of individuals finding us through Instagram and then after that beginning their Buddhist journey by joining other Buddhist organizations out there and they’re really actively serving. So to me, that’s very good validation that our funnel works in bringing people into the Dhamma and giving them opportunities to practice.
Where I say that, no, we haven’t achieved that, is because there’s still so much to be done. There are still so many media resources that we can leverage and we just don’t have the bandwidth, or the manpower to actively push for it. Like for example, doing video podcasts like this is like a rarity, right? It’s so hard to get the resources in place. But we know that that will increase our reach. Yeah, so these are the things that we still under-penetrate the markets.
[00:11:10] Cheryl:
Yeah, I think of course there’s a lot more potential for HOL to grow, but don’t underestimate how far you’ve come. Yesterday I was just speaking to a colleague randomly and she’s like, Hey, I know you are doing a podcast. I ran into your podcast. I was like, scanning my brain. Did I tell her? I don’t think so. So I asked her, how did you find it? She said, Oh, I was just looking for mindfulness content and I came across this podcast. And I was like, wow, yeah, SEO. It’s very heartening to know someone that you don’t promote this, just found it and hopefully found it beneficial as well.
[00:11:42] Kai Xin:
And I think it’s also heartening in terms of the impact we create. So some fun facts about how we evolve, right? The visuals that you see on our website and our social media, many of them are created by a volunteer and she started without knowing us. She was a reader of our content and she found it really interesting. And then her friend was like, Hey, you know, they’re looking for volunteer designers. Do you want to sign up? And here she is. I think she’s been volunteering for over a year, right? Yeah, so shout out to You Shan, thank you very much.
[00:12:13] Cheryl:
And I think we have a lot of other examples of readers, listeners who just benefitted from all of the content and they just want to help and want to give back. Very similar to how you all started as well. You all benefitted from it personally and you want to share, yeah.
You have mentioned that you all met each other long ago. So it’s about 13 years? Yeah, so let’s get a bit more personal. Let’s see how well they all really know each other. So these are very basic questions. I will ask something about Heng Xuan that Kai Xin has to answer and Heng Xuan will validate whether it’s correct or not. Very, very basic one. What is Heng Xuan’s favourite colour?
[00:12:52] Kai Xin: Red.
[00:12:53] Heng Xuan: Not bad.
[00:12:54] Cheryl: Okay, correct. And what is Kai Xin’s favorite color?
[00:12:57] Heng Xuan: I think it’s also red.
[00:13:03] Kai Xin: I think I know why. It’s hard to guess because I don’t wear the colour.
[00:13:07] Cheryl: Okay, I’ll give you a hint. It’s something to do with monastic colours.
[00:13:11] Heng Xuan: Oh, okay. Orange.
[00:13:13] Kai Xin: Close. If you dilute it a little bit more.
[00:13:16] Heng Xuan: Yellow?
[00:13:17] Kai Xin: Yes.
[00:13:18] Heng Xuan: Oh wow, that’s like so off. Okay.
[00:13:20] Cheryl: Guys, you’re getting exclusive content here. For the first time in 13 years, Xuan finds out about Kai Xin’s favourite colour. Very good. And next one, what is Heng Xuan’s favourite food?
[00:13:35] Kai Xin: I mean, he’s a vegetarian. I suppose his favourite food will be related to tofu.
[00:13:41] Heng Xuan: Walking Tofu (Xuan’s IG account). I like noodles. It’s very generic. It was supposed to be like very carb-y, yeah.
[00:13:52] Cheryl: She’s just trying really hard now. And what about hers?
[00:13:58] Heng Xuan: Wow. Hor Fun.
[00:14:00] Kai Xin: I hate Hor Fun! Oh no, he does not know me! I don’t eat Hor Fun, it makes me nauseous. I only eat it when I’m in the mood.
[00:14:09] Cheryl: Wow! You can’t get more off than that!
[00:14:14] Kai Xin: We only know each other’s working style.
[00:14:19] Heng Xuan: Cuisine, maybe I’ll say Indian food.
[00:14:22] Kai Xin: I love Indian food, but no, that’s not my favourite. It has something to do with the colour, yellow.
[00:14:27] Cheryl: It’s something to do with Thailand as well, let me give you that.
[00:14:30] Heng Xuan: Pad thai.
[00:14:31] Kai Xin: How are yellow and pad thai related? Oh my goodness.
[00:14:34] Cheryl: Okay, before HOL doesn’t exist after this call, I will reveal the answer. Kai Xin’s favourite food is actually mango sticky rice.
[00:14:41] Kai Xin: And it’s also hard to guess because I seldom eat it. For practical reasons, mango sticky rice in Singapore is not nice and it’s really expensive.
[00:14:48] Heng Xuan: It’s high in calories as well, so please watch your waistline.
[00:14:52] Kai Xin: We’re not fat shaming. But it’s okay to indulge moderately.
[00:14:57] Heng Xuan: Don’t get diabetes.
[00:14:59] Cheryl:
Yeah, the fitness guru. Okay, so now let’s move into the second part of this conversation, which will be a little bit more about the challenges and difficulties of running a Handful of Leaves. I think you mentioned it was almost like a full-time job. Why do you dedicate so much time? Where do you find the passion, energy, and drive to run this on top of your day job, other personal commitments, and everything else?
[00:15:28] Heng Xuan:
Well, the short answer is that you don’t have a life. So I feel there’s always a lot of time leakage in our day-to-day life. I’m always very happy to see where I am wasting time, be it on commuting or Instagram and stuff, then that’s where your willpower dies. So these are all the pockets of time you can actually find in your day-to-day life. So that’s one part.
Motivation, I guess, is the fact that there are a lot of people backing us right now on a monthly basis, sponsoring all the different things that we do together. To me, that keeps me going, and the people saying that they appreciate our content. Not that we are just throwing out trashy content, and then the motivation dies very fast. But the fact that people say, hey, this actually touches me where I really needed it right now, then that makes you say, I’ll continue working and serving the people because the happiness of others and peace in others is something that no money can put to it.
[00:16:19] Cheryl:
When you really see the impact there and the lives that you touch, this doesn’t become just numbers. You really remember, wow, these are the people that you have served.
[00:16:27] Kai Xin:
Yeah, quite similar for me as well. It’s in hindsight that I feel, oh wow, the work that I’ve done has touched people. But when I’m doing the work, I don’t really think much, I just do. So it’s pretty much like, if I’m free, I’m doing Dhamma work. It never felt to me like a chore. Unless, perhaps when it gets very, very stressful, when I have too much on my plate, then I would feel like, I need to be doing something else.
But when I’m doing Dhamma work, I just do it, and it feels very fulfilling. I’m actually enjoying the entire process. So it feels very natural for me to find time or time just naturally appears. Over time also when we also hear about success stories and people that we do not know randomly sponsor us items or subscriptions online. You can visit our support page, for as little as $10 per month, then it becomes a different level of motivation because you can’t just do this because you feel like doing it. People truly see the value and you have to live up to that. Maybe that’s also some form of pressure to not want to disappoint people, but it can get unhealthy. So that’s a separate story altogether.
[00:17:36] Cheryl:
We need to hear that.
[00:17:38] Kai Xin:
I was just having a conversation. I’ve not told Heng Xuan about this, but I had a conversation with one of the sisters. We are seriously talking about the future of Handful of Leaves. We are doing this on a voluntary basis, but it almost feels like a full-time job, right? The conditions are now right because our job is relatively stable, it’s not like we have to OT or life is not too stressful. So the conditions are right now. But we’re not so sure what will happen in 2024. So I had this conversation with a sister who’s the mom of the crew behind the camera. I was just sharing with her some of the challenges we might face and that we don’t want to disappoint sponsors because we can’t just slack off and not put in our work when people are trusting us with their money. And she gave a very good piece of advice to say, what makes you think that people are expecting you to do X, Y, and Z just because they have contributed? Maybe they have contributed because they found value in the articles that they read or the content and they say, Hey, let me support. But they don’t think too much about it. This I cannot validate. So if you are a sponsor, please let us know if you have expectations.
But we have been having ongoing discussions about like, we had to be transparent. Let’s create an annual report to show people where the funds are going because we truly care about this. And we want people to care about this together with us. Somebody has to keep us accountable, basically. Yes. Yeah, so I’m not too sure whether that leaks into an unhealthy level of stress or pressure, cause those are assumptions that we make. Yup. I think the turning point is, she kind of questioned, are you sacrificing your life aspiration just because of this assumed expectation that people have? So, that was like… I mean, in our separate lives and including yours as well, we do have things that are going to unfold in 2024 and Handful of Leaves, running this is going to be quite a big consideration when we make those decisions.
[00:19:41] Cheryl:
Yes, I’m processing it because it’s a lot that you have shared and it’s very multifaceted, right? It started out as a project to help people, but then now when you actually have people really benefiting from this and endorsing and supporting this, then it becomes like a lot of burden on you as well. And of course, we are only humans. As much as we can optimize the time leakage, there are times when we can feel stress or burnout as well. I’m wondering if there was a moment in this three-year journey where you felt like HOL was not going to work. I just want to give up.
[00:20:11] Kai Xin:
The first part, yes. Giving up, no. I’m not sure about you.
[00:20:16] Heng Xuan:
I manage the pipelines for the articles, right? So I think there were certain moments where we were two weeks away from having no articles or no content to publish. And those are the moments where you’re like, I think we’re going to die here and run out of content. There are moments, I won’t say give up, but maybe like pull back a bit of production. But then we realized that some people have told me that they actually bookmarked our page. I was just like, cannot give up lah. But it’s also very hard to find articles and find different content angles. So I think for me, I feel it more in the sense of like, wah, want to give up kind of thing. But of course never lah.
[00:20:52] Cheryl:
Luckily, thank you for holding on.
[00:20:54] Kai Xin:
I agree with the latter part. I’ve never thought of giving up because I won’t give up Dhamma. I mean the work will probably manifest itself in a different way, a different way of giving back. But in terms of, it will never work, I think it’s also similar to the pipeline issue because it’s very dependent on our daily commitments, right? So let’s say if I am down, I fell sick and I didn’t batch enough content, then what’s going to happen? It’s not recommended, but… For real, both of us, if we are sick, we’ll still be doing Handful of Leaves work, or like Dhamma work.
[00:21:28] Cheryl:
She was even doing it when she was hospitalized for Rhabdomyolysis.
[00:21:34] Kai Xin:
Yeah, spin class.
[00:21:35] Cheryl:
And she was like (typing sound) in the hospital.
[00:21:38] Kai Xin:
It’s the most conducive environment because you’re on your bed and then food is served. You don’t have to spend time anywhere else.
[00:21:44] Heng Xuan:
But please don’t go to spin class to get Rhabdomyolysis, to get time off work. I don’t recommend it.
[00:21:48] Kai Xin:
Take care of your health.
[00:21:50] Heng Xuan:
Yes, but spin is good.
[00:21:54] Cheryl:
Another endorsement.
[00:21:55] Kai Xin:
I love all these plugs. Not a sponsored ad, just saying.
[00:21:59] Cheryl:
No, but I’m actually very curious because how do you know you’re not pushing yourself to the extreme? Because sometimes when you feel like it’s for the good of a lot of people, I have to do it because I don’t want to let people down as well. But how do you know you are taking care of yourself adequately as well? What is that balance?
[00:22:16] Heng Xuan:
For me, it’s like I try to meditate every day. So I try to meditate twice a day. If I start to meditate once a day, I know, okay, something’s not going as well. You know you’re actually close to pushing yourself over the edge when you actually see a lot of frustration, a lot of anger arise. And because the mindfulness is there, it’s actually able to catch. But once your mindfulness is anemic, it’s weak, then it will not be able to catch the defilements. Then you know you’re actually close to the burnout point already. So I think for me, that’s the telltale sign when you get frustrated at things that wouldn’t usually frustrate you when you’re doing stuff.
[00:22:44] Cheryl:
So TLDR it’s like when you start seeing yourself getting crankier.
[00:22:48] Heng Xuan:
Yeah. When you get cranky and the defilements arise, then you’re like, okay, I’m nearly there so I need to chill.
[00:22:55] Cheryl:
But have other aspects of your life taken a toll as well? ’cause you prioritize Handful of Leaves?
[00:23:01] Heng Xuan:
I don’t know but I still have a very healthy balance. I can cook my own food and I have a very awesome relationship with my wife. So it’s like…
[00:23:09] Kai Xin:
Need to validate.
[00:23:15] Heng Xuan:
So I also have friends, I think.
[00:23:17] Cheryl:
If you’re a friend of Heng Xuan, please like the video.
[00:23:24] Heng Xuan:
Please. Yeah, so I don’t think it has taken a toll. It’s just like trade-offs. I don’t see it as a sacrifice. I see it as a trade-off. Like, if you want to go out with friends every night, you can’t do Handful of Leaves. Confirm. If you wanna travel the world and do a lot of things, very hard to do Handful of Leaves. So yeah, I think these are the trade-offs, but not sacrifice. Trade-off means what you’re giving away to take on something. Sacrifice is like, oh, I give up.
[00:23:45] Cheryl:
Yeah. The trade-off seems to be very intentional. There is a sense of willingness because you know it’s important.
[00:23:50] Kai Xin:
Yeah. That’s something I really admire about you actually. Even though you’re very occupied, right? You always go to the gym, and then you still make time to hang out with Angela, your wife, and then Handful of Leaves, and I don’t know how you still go and meet different people every week even though you’re an introvert and still excel at your day job. For me, it’s actually quite the opposite. So, sometimes… The trade-off would be, that I might be a hermit, I just don’t meet people. Sometimes I can stay in my room for days and just come out for meals. She can validate because we are like housemates.
For me, the yardstick would be in terms of emotion as well. Typically, I’ll feel it in my body, or if I’m really, really tired. So yes, when I was hospitalized, I was still working on Handful of Leaves, but it’s not compromising my health because mentally I was still really clear. It’s just physically I cannot really walk. So if I am diagnosed with a different illness then yeah, I would just take a break and I would tell myself that I don’t have to push myself so hard.
In terms of other things, I think it’s just regulating our energy as well as emotions. And if my negative emotions were to spill over to other people, then that’s where I know sleep is affected. And then I need to re-look at taking a pause and then restarting Handful of Leaves again.
[00:25:07] Cheryl:
Can you share a personal moment in your life where you were going through very difficult times, and it was really a struggle to… Keep going at the pace that you were going.
[00:25:20] Heng Xuan:
Yeah, I don’t think it’s like Handful of Leaves per se. There was a time when I was working in Thailand as a management consultant. I was so tired that actually I walked into a glass wall. And that is actually the moment I knew like working 16 hours a day or 18 hours a day is not sustainable. And I think the way to look at it is to take a break and see if is that something that you really want. These are the moments like, oh, I cannot keep going at this speed. Trying to manage this, trying to manage that.
[00:25:46] Cheryl:
Thanks for sharing.
[00:25:48] Kai Xin:
So this is gonna go very personal. Spilling the tea. I think my romantic relationship is being compromised. I have made a very rather firm decision that I think Dhamma is going to be what I will marry myself to. And people might disagree, but to me from a very logical standpoint when I’m doing Dhamma work and when I’m serving people, the level of value and impact that I can bring is a lot wider. It’s a lot more people rather than just one person. I can choose my life partner, but I can’t choose my family. So I still value family time a lot. I try to make it a point to, even though I’ve moved out, to meet my parents. We go on family trips, et cetera.
But to then make a decision to enter a romantic relationship is something that I’ve always held back on. Cause I feel like if my partner is not going to be doing the same thing that I do, it feels like I’m being stolen away from my partner. So it’s a running joke that I’m married to the Dhamma. Yeah, so it’s personal in a sense because it’s a decision that I’ve made and I feel pretty at ease now. I’m not so sure about next time if it makes sense. People listening to this might disagree.
[00:27:06] Cheryl:
First really thank you for sharing something so personal but I think it really boils down to what is important to you and there’s no right or wrong about this. Perhaps listeners will be like, no, I think maybe Dhamma would be ranked one, two, three, four, after everything else, but that’s fine also. But it seems to be very clear to me that for both of you, Dhamma and the practice and propagation of it is ranking number one.
[00:27:28] Kai Xin:
Number one for me lah, I’m not sure about…
[00:27:30] Heng Xuan:
Yeah, I view it as like many universes, there are many planets.
[00:27:35] Kai Xin:
I feel like you balance it quite well. So that’s something I would never be able to do and I really respect that about you.
[00:27:40] Heng Xuan:
They say that there are many balls in life, right? There are glass balls and there are rubber balls. And you must know at every point of your life, which are the glass balls and which are the rubber balls. The moment you fail to recognize that, you drop the glass balls and it’s gone. But the rubber balls will come back, they will bounce back. That’s how I view the whole ecosystem. The universe of relationships and all the things that you hold in your life.
[00:28:00] Cheryl:
Oh, that’s a really good one to think about. What are your glass balls and rubber balls in life?
[00:28:07] Cheryl:
We have come to an end for all the questions that we wanted to ask. But I’m actually still very curious about your personal practice and your relationship with the Buddhist practice itself. What is your relationship with your own suffering after encountering Buddhism for the many years that you have?
[00:28:27] Kai Xin:
I guess it’s to define what suffering is and then the relationship with it. In the past, when I first started, suffering felt very gross, why Buddhism is so pessimistic? And it feels like I have to cry and break down to define myself as I’m suffering. But over the years, I realized also to practice that even though I don’t have those, breakdown, and burnout moments, I am still suffering in a very subtle form. For instance, clinging onto my views or maybe my ego or my sense of identity that I always have to do Dhamma work. All of this, unless I’m enlightened, would still constantly be a source of practice and reflection, right? Am I dissatisfied at any point in my day?
So, the relationship has changed to something more nurturing. I don’t blame myself for feeling negative or feeling certain unpleasant emotions. Yeah, and just like, oh yeah, you’re just a work in progress. You’re progressing, and these are the yardsticks. You’re doing well, and it’s okay to backslide a little bit. Just put in an effort in the future, and it’s a dance, it’s a very nice dance. So I think, now, I can say I’m in a good place, I don’t attach too much to the things that I do or views anymore. Yeah, but people around me can tell me otherwise. It’s like blind spots, right?
[00:29:48] Cheryl:
I think the first thing that I get from you is like, you seem a lot more gentle with yourself. You could be very harsh to yourself in the past.
[00:29:56] Kai Xin:
Yeah, I am still very self-critical. It’s something that I’m still working on. Yes, but more gentle.
[00:30:02] Cheryl:
Thanks for sharing.
[00:30:04] Heng Xuan:
I think for me, suffering I used to want to get rid of it. I would actually watch YouTube videos or watch movies. Last time I really loved watching movies, like you enter a whole new world. And that’s actually pushing away suffering. Like most of us start from the angle of, I see suffering, I want to run away from it. I want to push, I want to indulge, I want to eat a lot of ice cream or whatever and get away from it. And even to a certain extent, working out to get rid of the stress or run away from emotions.
But right now actually, the relationship with suffering is seeing it on a smaller level. Seeing how you cling to certain views therefore you become unhappy. And I think last time I could be angry with something for like maybe one week. And now it is as little as 10 minutes. I can let it go.
[00:30:44] Kai Xin:
I’ve never seen you angry before.
[00:30:45] Heng Xuan:
Yeah, so I rarely get angry now. I think maybe less than twice a year kind of thing. Wow. So it has really improved. One of my Dhamma friends said, if you die tonight, will that anger matter anymore? Then that kind of thing strikes at you and you exit this whole suffering, self-created suffering. But I’m a big fan of this thing called chosen suffering.
So basically, there are certain things that you do that you don’t like to do, but you choose to do it because it’s good for you and because life is going to throw at you unchosen suffering. So all of this is training yourself to reach a better state of mind, so that when unchosen suffering hits you, you are ready for it, you can bounce back. But if we spend our life choosing to follow all our pleasures, then it’s going to be difficult because we’re not going to be prepared for that day, and that day will come when unchosen suffering like aging, sickness, and death comes.
[00:31:38] Kai Xin:
That’s so true. So your chosen suffering is at the gym?
[00:31:43] Heng Xuan:
Actually, it’s not just at the gym, right? So chosen suffering comes to the point of like eating well, when I commute I don’t use social media, I listen to Dhamma talks. And not every day you want to listen to Dhamma talks. But that commute, even if you’re not in the mood, I will just tune in. Because some Dhamma talks are just 10 minutes, which is like super good. Or even for those people who are very busy out there, then perhaps 3 minutes. dhammatalks.org
[00:32:06] Kai Xin:
Or you can listen to our podcast.
[00:32:09] Heng Xuan:
Sometimes you don’t like to meditate, right? Don’t tell me every day you…
[00:32:11] Kai Xin:
No, of course. There will be times when you feel like, ah, why?
[00:32:15] Heng Xuan:
Correct. And that’s the chosen suffering that we all try to do every day.
[00:32:19] Kai Xin:
Wow. That’s powerful.
[00:32:20] Cheryl:
Yeah. So choose your suffering well so that you’re training yourself, you’re cultivating your mind to have that sense of resilience that when life throws you lemons and unchosen sufferings you’re able to tap back into that strength to overcome it. With that, I think we’ve come to the end of the episode. So thank you for sharing Kai Xin and Heng Xuan. And thank you listeners for staying to the end. If you like this episode, comment and let us know if you want to see more of this kind of video.
[00:32:49] Kai Xin:
If you haven’t subscribed, please do so now It would really help us to increase the reach and also the algorithm.
[00:32:55] Heng Xuan:
Every time you subscribe, we can reach 10 more people. That’s just amazing. So just help us subscribe and make someone’s day. You’ll never know.
Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña, Shuo Mei, Arif, Bernice, Wee Teck, Andrew Yam, Kan Rong Hui, Wei Li Quek, Shirley Shen, Ezra, Joanne Chan, Hsien Li Siaw, Gillian Ang, Wang Shiow Mei, Zayn See, Yu Xiangzhi
Editor and transcriber of this episode: Cheryl Cheah, Susara Ng, Ke Hui Tee
TLDR: Doubt can eat you up. How do we deal with it when it is the core of our identity? Anonymous shares his experience in a non-Buddhist family and how it led him to the Dhamma.
Editor’s note: Talking about conversion can be a touchy subject. At HOL, we believe that one should be free to choose whatever faith you choose to pursue. There are various challenges on our religious journey and we are glad anonymous shared his struggles openly as it is not easy to do so.
Introduction
Hi there, my name is Anonymous and I am currently a practising Buddhist. As the title goes, this was not initially the case, and I would like to share more about that here.
Being born in a family of ardent believers of a monotheistic faith naturally made me fairly religious for the first 18 years of my life. Hence, to get to my faith in Buddhism, I had to go through the tedious process of:
1) struggling with the truth of the religion that I was born into (let’s call this my inherited religion or “IR”),
2) dropping my IR,
3) exploring the alternatives out there; and finally
4) ending up with Buddhism.
If that sounds interesting to you, do stay with me! Note that ‘Divine’ is used interchangeably with the concept of a supreme, all-powerful, deity (aka God). In addition, this article is meant to document my journey into the Dhamma and should not be taken as an ‘absolute’ comparison against monotheistic religions. Everyone is free to follow the faith that aligns most with them and brings them contentment.
1.Faith and Doubt
It was pretty challenging to practise my IR as you have to pray frequently each day. This was especially tough when I was in school, having to find time during breaks to fulfil my obligations. Regardless, I tried.
As much as I was fervent in the belief, the more I tried to understand the faith, the more questions I had. I studied the history of my IR, learnt its language, and memorised the scriptures in a formalised institution.
In my attempt to understand the religion, I noted internal inconsistencies in the holy book and encountered teachings which didn’t sit well with my personal ethics. I struggled with accepting things without understanding their rationale.
The issue with that was that my IR demanded full surrender and belief.
The more I tried to learn about my IR, the more the distance of doubt grew for me to have faith. Ironic, isn’t it?
What is faith to you? In my simplistic definition, faith is the acceptance of a claim without sufficient evidence. I felt that it was intellectually dishonest to accept something despite a lack of evidence. I would reason (with my God-given intellect) that it is unethical to do that to yourself, as it equates to self-deception.
Self-deception is unethical because it equates to wilful recklessness in dedicating the scarce resource we call “life” to potential non-truths.
With the doubts that I had, I simply could not believe it. The two values of intellectual honesty and faith clashed. Think about it:
1) Value #1 is faith, the acceptance of a claim regardless of evidence. Faith in that claim implies that I did not consider the validity of the evidence.
2) Value #2 is intellectual honesty, the acceptance of a claim only when sufficient evidence is presented. Non-acceptance (not rejection) of the claim occurs when there is insufficient evidence.
I started to value intellectual honesty more as the debates continued in my mind.
2.Accepting doubt
Mind you, disbelief in my IR was punishable by an afterlife of hell. It would make my current life hell, too, given the level of pressure in the community and in my family.
By the time I was 17, the doubts that I’ve shared earlier would serve as my one-way ticket to eternal torment. It was therefore important for me to save my soul.
My last-ditch attempt at salvation was to will myself towards belief. I tried to suppress my doubts, much like preventing the escape of steam from a boiling kettle. I wished and prayed for those doubts to go away in the hopes that the divine would reveal himself. The pressure of doubt continued to build up the more I fought against it.
In the midst of my efforts sprang a realisation—I was literally trying to trade my piety, reverence, and mortal life for a better afterlife. Those drives which were previously subtle became clear as day. I reached a point where following this belief was more of a transaction than a religion.
Although I had no choice but to doubt, I do have a say in whether I would acknowledge it, or wilfully ignore it. So I chose the truth, accepting that I didn’t believe it. In choosing myself, I left the Divine behind.
Wise steps
Acknowledging any doubts that we have can be challenging but it is self-affirmative. The process does not end there. Investigate them!
3.Exploring truths
And so, I left the decades-long conditioning in a finger-snap. Apostasy was instantaneous upon that realisation, but it was also the culmination of a gradual struggle with doubt. The remainder of my hopes for the truth of my IR was dropped. A sense of loss followed, perhaps insecurity or guilt arising from tasting the sacrilegious freedom of self-acceptance.
Despite that, I could see that those were residual emotions which did not connect with the insight gleaned. Those emotions gradually ceased, and life and death were no longer relegated to an “almighty” concept in the great everywhere.
“Now is my chance”, I said to myself. I decided to redesign my life, hitting the “f5” on the keyboard of my being, erasing any inherited indoctrination by questioning my own ethics, worldview, and how I lived my life.
What an uncomfortable process! It felt like I was literally killing parts of a personality which I had built all my life—but alas, parts which were never “me” to begin with. (That is probably a topic for another day, however.)
In that journey of apostasy and agnosticism, I explored the religions of the world. If there is a Truth out there, let me find it. If it is true, it will not be hidden for long. A sincere God will not forsake a sincere seeker, would he (or she)? This aspiration grew in the newfound field of freedom.
Wise steps
Introspection is key to living an authentic life. In ensuring that the views we hold are aligned with our values, it may bring insight to reflect on the following;
What are some of your unquestioned beliefs contributing to your core worldview which you hold to be true?
Do they align with your values?
If that belief is untested, and not aligned with your values, how does it feel to drop them? – Investigate further if there is resistance.
4.Finding the practice
I explored Abrahamic and Indic religions and, as you may have guessed, Buddhism. While some of those teachings, being new to me, had their own charm, Buddhism was compelling to me as it encouraged one to question and test any claims brought forth.
– When you know for yourselves that ‘these qualities are skilful; these qualities are blameless; these qualities are praised by the wise; these qualities, when adopted & carried out, lead to welfare & to happiness’ —
– then you should enter & remain in them.
In short, it does not encourage blind faith but empowers authentic acceptance through experiencing the truth. It is intellectually honest.
The Buddha was known to actively encourage enthusiastic followers to first inquire before converting to Buddhism.
“Householder, you should act after careful consideration. It’s good for well-known people such as yourself to act after careful consideration.” – MN 56, Upali Sutta
I tested the teachings and applied, and learnt and applied, iteratively.
The mutually supportive practices of cultivating kindness and awareness were making a clear change in my life. Being kind was a nice thing—to simply care for others and enjoy the naturally arising warmth in a smile, what a joy!
What of morality? It is expressed as a life of morality that is not just lived because the divine says it is right. It is not a demand, but a gift to see it for yourself!
When we live ethically, people around us are at ease, and consequently, we are gladdened. When we do no harm, our conscience is clear, and we are at ease—with ourselves (this is observable when I meditate, where I am my only company). Living ethically is a gift from me to others, and to myself.
Heaven used to be a subtle expectation, where my kindness and good behaviour came with terms and conditions attached—but no more. This way of life is pleasant. Each step on the path yields fruit to be tasted almost instantaneously, inviting one to take the next step. The more I enjoyed the process, the deeper down the Dhamma rabbit hole I went.
I gradually “became” a Buddhist, without even realising it.
Now, if you have tolerated me this far, I must come clean that I do have unresolved questions relating to the doctrine. However, taking the guidance of the Kalamas and the exhortation of the Simsapa Sutta (which this page is inspired by), I hold the handful of truths that have been tried and tested.
In this journey, it seems to me that having faith is more like falling in love. It is an invitation which calls you on. You do not beckon it. And in the gradual calling, I grew to notice momentary suffering, saw its attachments, and sometimes, if luck would have it, its dissolution.
Thanks for joining me in this journey from doubt to tested faith. 🙂
Editor’s note: This article is adapted from PJ’s website. Do check out his past articles on tackling the workplace over here, here, and here.
On 19th October 2022, I flew back to Singapore after spending three months at my teacher Ajahn Brahm‘s retreat centre Jhana Grove and monastery in Serpentine, Western Australia.
Since then, I’ve been asked quite frequently about what I learned and “gained”, which I’ll attempt to summarize here. Below are the 11 things I’ve learnt.
(Graphic image warning: Please note that learning point 8 has a few graphic pictures of a decaying dead kangaroo. You may quickly jump to point 9 if you are easily affected.)
1. A much clearer & experiential understanding of how suffering works.
Expectations, wanting, hopes, plans, etc. are a huge barrier, because of the Second Noble Truth: wanting causes suffering. During this retreat, I think I’ve let go more of the expectations & wanting to re-experience the life-changing yo-yo-jhana in 2010, which I’ve written about here and here . And if I wanted anything, whether it was the beautiful breath, or silence in the mind, or nimittas, or jhanas, that wanting always led to suffering.
So towards the end, I was deliberately cultivating the mantra of “Good enough”. Heavy rain while walking to the monastery? Good enough. Restless mind while sitting in the morning cold? That’s more than good enough!
And that really helped and worked: there was a lot less suffering when I was developing this mindset of being “contented and easily satisfied”, instead of striving with strong wants.
It’s not all perfect: there were definitely days when it felt like walking into a perfect storm. The lowest point I experienced was towards the end, on a Monday. For the whole of Monday, I struggled with a very, very restless mind: I could barely sit. It was, as Ajahn Chah (Ajahn Brahm’s teacher) described, “you can’t move forward, you can’t go backwards, you can’t stay where you are”.
I’m experienced enough to know that restlessness is the mind being discontented with the present moment experience. So I tried to make peace with the present moment experience and tried to be unconditionally kind and gentle to my own mind. That caused my mind to kinda go into a kind of split, where a less-critical, more-loving PJ was having a dialogue with a very fault-finding, very discontented PJ:
Loving PJ: There there! It’s ok to be discontented. You’re not enlightened yet!
Fault-Finding PJ: Of course it’s easy to say that!
Loving PJ: Remember Ajahn Brahm’s instructions? Just make peace with the suffering, be kind, be gentle…
Fault-Finding PJ: Of course it’s easy for Ajahn to say that! He’s the MOZART of meditation, whereas you are still playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars! You can’t even watch your stupid beautiful breath, for goodness sake!
It just spiralled downwards from there, into outright fear and despair. I was reminded of the episode in the Buddha’s passing, when his attendant Ananda cried out of despair. I understood what he felt because I felt this deep fear of what will happen when Ajahn Brahm dies? Who else can I have as a teacher I am dependent on?
And there was despair because I was nowhere close to the jhanas, which are needed to really remove the defilements. And I had so many defilements … it felt like I was tasked with using a single box of matchsticks to melt an entire iceberg or glacier.
The fear and despair was very, very real, and very, very bad: I sobbed and cried my eyes out in the shower. I don’t think I have cried like this ever since my colleague Parathy died… after I finished crying, I asked my mind what it wanted to do, and went to sit and meditate, before going to sleep. The next morning, I went to ask Ajahn for advice on how to deal with such days.
Ajahn was so kind and compassionate… he kept saying “trust. you are so close“, and also talked about how, often, progress on the Path isn’t about more effort, but about finding the right place to perpendicularly cross the river. “And when you’re over, you’ll then realize how stupid you’ve been all this while, because you’ll look back and say ‘wait, that was it? That’s all it took?’ ” And that was all it took for me to gain back the trust, confidence, and patience to carry on.
2. A more experiential understanding of non-self”
The other learning is a more experiential understanding of non-self. Basically, I don’t really control my body or my mind: it is heavily influenced by the environment around me. The body is out of control, and the mind is out of control because they are all complex processes which have no single source of self, and where effects become causes for further effects. It’s all about putting the right causes in place, I.e. Right Motivation (Samma sankappa). A few episodes really highlighted this to me.
No matter how much I tried, I could not change the fact that my body is made in Singapore, and that I struggle with the cold. Cold makes my mind restless, as I am really not made for this climate. It’s quite funny because whenever it’s cold, there is automatically a soundtrack playing in my mind (for the first two months, it was the soundtrack of Crash Landing On You, because my wife and I re-watched it before I left…). But what was even more interesting was the short spell of warm weather in late September and early October: the soundtrack playing stopped in my mind, with no choice nor force at all! So it was really caused by the cold.
Physically with my body, there were a few incidents (suspect Covid; my twitching eye; body pains from sitting meditation) which drove home the point of non-self. From the Buddha’s second-ever discourse (Anattalakkhanasutta SN 22.59):
“(this body is not) fit to be regarded thus: ‘This is mine, this I am, this is my self’”, because “…if…(this body) were (my) self, this (body) would not lead to affliction, and it would be possible to have it of (this body): ‘let my (body) be thus; let my (body) not be thus’. But because (this body) is nonself, (this body) leads to affliction, and it is not possible to have it of (this body): ‘let my (body) be thus; let my (body) not be thus’. “
Basically, if your body was you or your self, then you would be able to compel it and control it to be well, not be sick, and to take on any shape or form you wish. Which you can’t.
3. Reduce the drivers of negative emotions
Much of Ajahn Brahm’s teachings are really about undermining and reducing the drivers for negative emotions, especially the overthinking mind that tenses up, comments, interferes, fault-finds, strives and tries, is ruthless, and seeks to control everything (especially due to fear).
If we do the exact opposite to the above verbs, those are the causes for future deep meditation and eventual liberation. So we should:
Relax to the Max
Disengage from commentary
Don’t interfere or do anything, because it is all none-of-your-business
Let the mind decide what it wants to do, rather than tell and control it
Cultivate contentment: “good enough”
Not try
And be kind, unconditionally.
4. Cultivating the opposite of fault-finding
Ajahn Brahm once wrote that “cultivating the opposite of fault-finding is 90% of the Buddhist practice”, and this was something I realised from the three months.
It is so easy to lapse into fault-finding and criticism of everything: I could be sitting for 45 mins, watching the breath for 44 mins, and daydreaming in the last minute, and that is often enough for me to say “that was not peaceful”! This is crazy, if you think about it, because I wasn’t really looking realistically at the whole session, but only picking out the bad parts to smear the whole thing.
I think this fault-finding is due to social conditioning: it seems “smarter” to seem pessimistic, cynical, and negative (as shared in Psychology of Money: see point 7 in the original article here). This mindset is especially prevalent in Singapore, I think.
5. Systems, Not Goals
Scott Adams’ “system vs goals” came up in my mind during the retreat, and I started wondering what was my “system”, vs the “goal” of enlightenment. My system is to keep precepts, learn Dhamma, create the supporting environment for practice around me, and meditate daily. I’ll let the results take care of themselves. Some specifics that I picked up during the Rains:
If the meditation was me largely “letting go, being kind and gentle”, then the meditation was a success, regardless of the results!
I started debriefing myself after each meditation, as part of my “system”. I ask myself these questions:
What suffering was absent? How much peace, calm & stillness was generated from the sit?
Was there letting go, kindness and gentleness in the meditation, between me and the meditation object?
Which defilements were gone? Usually for me, there’s no ill will, sloth and torpor, and doubt. The usual suspects are Kama canda, and restlessness and remorse.
7. Meditation is like taking a shit
Meditation is a lot like taking a shit: there are a lot of parallels between the two.
Both are non-self: in both processes, there is no single part you can point to, and say that’s me, mine, a self. There are also none of the accumulations of a self in any part of the processes e.g. ego, pride, expectations, will, etc.
Both are natural causal processes, where willpower & expectations are NOT necessary causal factors & are often counterproductive:
If you’re blocked in meditation, often you need more mindfulness and kindness, to unblock yourself. If you’re blocked in shitting, often you need more fibre and water to unblock yourself.
Using willpower in both cases causes haemorrhoids in your mind and in your a**
Expectations in both cases are major blockers.
Both processes are about clearing their “containers” of defilements and debris: one is clearing the mind, the other is clearing the digestive system.
Last but not least, the best sits and the best shits are effortless and joyful, and very healthy.
7. Keeping Precepts is Critical
Keeping precepts is critical for progress on the Path. This is often overlooked, especially in western meditation instructions. But this importance becomes very clear when meditation deepens, and when your mind starts to reflect the spottiness of your ethical behaviour by body, speech and mind. Let me share a story about someone, whom I’ll call PJ2. Imagine that PJ2 is single, and that he once had a very, very deep meditation experience a few years ago.
At the start of the Rains Retreat, I was discussing nimittas and jhanas with PJ2. However, as the retreat progressed, PJ2’s past caught up with him: he had not kept his precepts fully, and that caused him to feel this overwhelming sense of guilt that triggered panic attacks.
This lasted until PJ2 left, and it was very eye-opening for everyone to see how important keeping precepts are, for deeper meditation and for one’s practice.
8. Death is everywhere
Death and dying is everywhere, in the most unexpected places. In September, as a few of us returned from visiting Kusala Hermitage, it turned out that two kangaroos had been hit by vehicles just outside Jhana Grove. One of them was more decayed, while the other one was quite intact. It was very eye-opening to see the decaying and decomposition process over the weeks, which I captured by taking multiple videos and photos.
What videos and photos do not capture is the smell: that nauseating odour of death and decay, which reminds me of the very first time I smelled that odour, as a teenager helping my father clear the drowned rat stuck under our driveway.
But what the photos and videos do convey are the charnel ground descriptions in the suttas, especially the Satipatthana sutta (** CONTACT ALERT: Pics of dead things**)
The dead adult kangaroo just outside Jhana Grove
…And it had been dead for one, two, or three days, bloated, livid, and festering. They’d compare it with their own body: ‘This body is also of that same nature, that same kind, and cannot go beyond that.’ 15.1
The dead adult kangaroo had moved due to heavy rain and had decayed
Then:
…a corpse discarded in a charnel ground being devoured by crows, hawks, vultures, herons, dogs, tigers, leopards, jackals, and many kinds of little creatures. 16.2They’d compare it with their own body: 16.3‘This body is also of that same nature, that same kind, and cannot go beyond that.’ 17.1
Same dead kangaroo, much more decayed. Note how the skull has gone missing, and the skeleton has changed color.
Then:
Bones rid of sinews scattered in every direction. Here a hand-bone, there a foot-bone, here a shin-bone, there a thigh-bone, here a hip-bone, there a rib-bone, here a back-bone, there an arm-bone, here a neck-bone, there a jaw-bone, here a tooth, there the skull …
A finger fragment of the dead kangaroo by the roadside marking
Then:
Bones rotted and crumbled to powder. 30.2They’d compare it with their own body: 30.3‘This body is also of that same nature, that same kind, and cannot go beyond that.’
It is extremely sobering, especially since an adult male kangaroo is about the same size as me, to reflect that my body is truly “of that same nature, that same kind, and cannot go beyond that.”
The Sangha at Bodhinyana Monastery paying respects to the Triple Gem
9. The monastic practice is the Buddha’s Training Programme
The monastic practice set by the Buddha is THE way to get to Nibbana. Before this Rains, I had doubts about this: what’s stopping me as a lay person from being able to practice towards liberation? But after three months, there is no longer any doubt in my mind that the Training Programme decided by the Buddha is the best bet to Enlightenment.
However, my conditions in life are such that, it has to be lay life for me, at least for a while: as a married man, I have to take care of my wife, but also have to take care of my parents and parents-in-law as they age.
10. Some observations of my fellow retreatants:
My “alms bowl” for three months, filled with food generously given by lay supporters of the monastery. Those lay supporters drove 1 hr each way to feed the monks and lay retreatants every day, for 3 months!
The generosity of people is astounding. For three months, I was fed by other people. Also, this group of Rains Retreatants really were very generous with helping each other out. For example, Becky would serve Ajahn tea, but also do a lot of acts of loving kindness to others. And in turn, I saw others helping her: a number of retreatants were talking to her to give her an introduction to the suttas, just before her silent retreat. Everyone was helping each other out like one big family (e.g. Gayathri making soup for Piotr, our Polish retreatant, when he fell sick a second time), which the Jhana Grove staff observed was quite unusual to our group.
There seems to be a bit of PTSD from past experiences with SN Goenka vipassana meditation: a couple of retreatants mentioned to me something along the lines of “I can’t watch the breath, because I end up trying to control it from my vipassana experience” and “I can’t watch the breath with pleasure, because my vipassana conditioning kicks in”. Which is a real pity, because the breath can be a lovely meditation object.
Dhamma vitakka (thoughts of the Dhamma) as a subtle hindrance was something that came up in a sutta class taught by Ajahn Brahm, but it seems to have been rejected by a number of retreatants. This hindrance was something I saw in my own mind: at some point, I realised that reading the suttas was actually complicating my own meditation practice, because I ended up generating a lot of questions (“Am I doing X right, like in the sutta?”) which disturbed the peace of mind. So towards the end, I deliberately cut down on my reading of the suttas, and reduced my thinking on aspects of the Dhamma.
11. The Practice isn’t just about meditation
While on a day outing with Ajahn Santutthi, abbot of Kusala Hermitage, I asked Ajahn about advice on the practice, especially since I felt stuck and stagnating in my meditation depth. He gave very good advice: “the practice doesn’t end after three months”, “the practice isn’t just about meditation”, and “just develop contentment and peace.” Which is perhaps the main takeaway I got from my three months.
Monks from Kusala Hermitage walking in a botanical garden bed of tulips
