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3 Steps to Mindfulness; A Working Professional’s Guide

3 Steps to Mindfulness; A Working Professional’s Guide

by | Sep 10, 2025 | Being Buddhist, Buddhist practice, Mindfulness & Meditation, Read

TLDR: This article explores how consuming negative content affects mental well-being and introduces practices like group meditation, reducing social media use, and daily journaling to regain clarity, peace, and intention. Jeraldine Phneah emphasizes the importance of choosing what we feed our minds to nurture a healthier, more intentional life.

Working in a pre-IPO tech company is quite demanding, especially when youโ€™re also juggling volunteer work. Some days, I go straight from back-to-back meetings at work in the day into conversations with residents I support through my volunteer work in the evenings.

In the quiet moments, such as at the gym or while winding down at night, I have realised that although I may be physically alone, my mind remains flooded with noise.

At times,I have found myself scrolling endlessly through negative news, angry comment threads, and short-form videos that add little value to my life.

This habit, often called doom scrolling, may seem harmless. Yet, over time, it chips away at our mental well-being. Instead of feeling rested, I end up feeling more restless and distracted.

Emotionally charged content overstimulates the brain, triggering anxiety, clouding focus, and draining the mental energy we need to rest and think clearly. Our minds were not designed to absorb a constant stream of bad news and negativity.

We are not truly resting when we scroll. We are absorbing, reacting, and often internalising the stress of others.

I came to see that I have not been particularly mindful, especially about what I allow into my mental space. What we consume shapes how we feel. How we feel, in turn, shapes how we see the world.

In Buddhist teachings, there is a powerful metaphor. A good practitioner is like a guard, someone who carefully observes what enters and exits the gates of the mind. Just as a guard monitors who comes in and out, we must carefully observe what enters the mind.

Recognising this, Iโ€™ve begun to gently shift how I relate to my inner and outer worlds. These are to bring more peace, clarity, and intention into how I live each day.

1. Join weekly group meditations

3 Steps to Mindfulness; A Working Professional's Guide

I made a resolution that for this month, I will be attending meditation sessions with other young working professionals in Singapore.

Meditation helps me return to the present. It trains the mind to observe rather than react.

Research has shown that regular meditation reduces stress, improves emotional regulation, and supports focus and decision-making. These are qualities I find myself needing as I navigate high-pressure environments.

This practice is also aligned with Taoist teachings: โ€œMuddy water, let stand, becomes clear.โ€ In moments of stillness, we allow the mental clutter to settle. That is often when insight and calm begin to emerge.

While solo practice offers flexibility, group meditation helps build consistency and a sense of community โ€” especially in a fast-paced environment where we often feel like weโ€™re navigating stress alone.

Being surrounded by peers with similar life pressures can be grounding. Itโ€™s a quiet reminder that weโ€™re not alone in our efforts to slow down, reconnect, and stay present amidst the noise.

2. Reducing social media and phone use

3 Steps to Mindfulness; A Working Professional's Guide

I have taken a few practical steps over the past few years. Since my role allows it, I do not have Slack on my phone, and I have turned off all notifications from messaging apps. This helps me protect my attention and reduce unnecessary stress.

In recent weeks, I began deleting social media apps from my phone. This change helps me use them more intentionally, rather than out of habit.

These changes have helped reduce distractions. They have also freed up time for things that matter more to me, such as learning languages, reading, or simply being still.

I have also stopped checking WhatsApp and my phone first thing in the morning. That small boundary allows me to begin the day with clarity rather than overwhelm.

Some days, I wonder if too much of my youth is slipping away into a small screen โ€” and that question alone helps me make more conscious choices.

3. Journaling daily at least five to ten minutes a day

3 Steps to Mindfulness; A Working Professional's Guide

Daily journaling, even for just five to ten minutes, allows me to untangle my thoughts, recognise emotional patterns, and process what is weighing on my mind. It provides a quiet space to reflect, realign, and reconnect with what truly matters.

Journaling helps me reflect not only on my emotions, but also on mistakes I made, what I want to learn from them, how I am showing up in the world and who I want to become.

Studies have shown that journaling can reduce stress, improve clarity, and build resilience. For me, it is a way of coming home to myself โ€” a daily act of self-kindness.

None of this is about squeezing more out of the day. It is about protecting my clarity and choosing to live with greater intention.

This means being mindful about what I allow in, more deliberate about how I spend my time, and more compassionate with myself when things feel overwhelming.

Confucian thought reminds us that change begins within. To put the world in order, we must first cultivate our personal life.โ€ (ไฟฎ่บซ้ฝๅฎถๆฒปๅ›ฝๅนณๅคฉไธ‹)

When we begin with clarity and self-reflection, we become better equipped to serve others with patience, presence, and care.

If you have been feeling stretched thin as well, I see you. Small, intentional steps can make a world of difference.

Hereโ€™s a question Iโ€™ve been reflecting on: What am I feeding my mind โ€” and is it nourishing me? If youโ€™re looking for a place to start, this might be a gentle prompt to sit with this week.

Wise Steps: 

  1. Find communities and social circles with whom you can practice mindfulness. Doing so will ease the journey and ground you on your path to betterment. 
  2. Reduce amount of social media used, even innocuous ones like WhatsApp. Allow yourself breaks and moments away from it, especially during times like after waking up and before bed. 
  3. Journal for five to ten minutes a day. Doing so allows organisation and recognition of thoughts and emotional state that can bring clarity to our lives. 
Practical Buddhist Advice on Supporting Our Dying Loved Ones in Their Final Days

Practical Buddhist Advice on Supporting Our Dying Loved Ones in Their Final Days

by | Sep 3, 2025 | Being Buddhist, Read, Relationships

TLDR: Helping a loved one through their final days is a heartbreaking thing. But it is something every one of us will inevitably have to do one day. Buddhism has some helpful teachings, regardless of the faith of your loved one.

Death is an inevitable part of life. Each day, we are one day closer to our death. Yet it is a subject that makes most of us uncomfortable.

The human mind is brilliant at ignoring and shutting out anything that makes us uncomfortable. We are all ostriches in some ways.

But, like most things in life, the more you face it, the more you think about it the better you are able to deal with it when it visits – whether it is your own or that of a loved one.

There is no reason for a Buddhist who understands the teachings to be afraid of death. The Buddha had actually left us a roadmap for navigating the dying process and confidently dealing with death.

For a start, be mindful of the needs of the person whom you are helping. The Dhanaรฑjฤni sutta (MN 97) tells of one of Buddhaโ€™s closest disciples, Sariputta, helping a reformed, corrupt tax collector, Dhanaรฑjฤni, to die on his own terms as a brahmin. Sariputta helped him to calm his mind and slowly guided him to be reborn in the Brahma heaven. 

Therefore, do respect anotherโ€™s faith and beliefs. We should not mess with othersโ€™ minds in their dying days.

The Three Stages

Accompanying someone on this lifeโ€™s final journey has three stages:

  • The run-up 
  • The last days 
  • The epilogue

The Run-Up

This period can last for several months or even years. Throughout, we should be sensitive, loving, thoughtful and supportive. A compassionate  frame of mind would be helpful to the patient. Below are some activities that can bring peace and lightness to one approaching end-of-life stage. 

  • Help the terminally ill patient to perform wholesome acts. If he is physically unable to, do it on his behalf. But make sure to let him know what was done in his name so that he can rejoice in the acts. Incidentally, it is never too late for someone to practise generosity.
  • If he leans towards cynicism or negativity, encourage him to see things more positively and have more positive narratives in daily life. Speak words of love and care, reconciliation and closure.
  • Gently help him come to terms that he doesnโ€™t have to solve everything in this lifetime.
  • This part of lifeโ€™s journey can be very hard and lonely. Show care and love; be openly demonstrative. You may feel a bit awkward at first but do this because it matters to the patient. Give time and attention, listen empathetically.
  • If you are both comfortable with physical contact, then hold and touch the patient. Holding, touching and stroking can trigger feel-good chemicals, such as oxytocin, which is pleasant, calming and comforting.
  • Closer towards the end when it is obvious that he does not have much time left, find an appropriate time to have a candid conversation about death. Be honest in answering questions; donโ€™t give false hope.

Incidentally, once you commit yourself to supporting a dying patient, be prepared to accompany him for quite a while on his painful journey. Terminal illnesses can drag on painfully for some time.

Whatever you do, focus on bringing the patient a sense of peace, calm, comfort and joy. Lift the mind. A useful mantra is a mind that is light, goes to the light. A mind that is heavy will sink into the dark.

Focus on wholesome recollections. If the patient tends towards unpleasant events or people, gently encourage him to forgive. Steer the conversation back to wholesome and pleasant experiences, especially the good that he had done in his life. But there is no need to make a shopping list of good deeds. That will only stress him. Just share a couple of wholesome and uplifting stories, the sort that soften the eyes and bring out a smile. The more joy you can help him recall, the lighter his mind will be.

This is the period to offer to bring a monk or nun to visit. But the patient must be ready and want that. It is beneficial for the dying to see a monk or a nun. It can induce faith, bring about reassurance, peace and calm. It is especially helpful if the person doesnโ€™t have many family or friends around. The sangha, especially in Singapore, are wonderful people. 

The last days

This literally means the last couple of days or even just hours remaining of this life. By this stage, you have pretty much done all that you can for the dying. Conceive of this period like the day of the examination – it is too late to cram. All that can be done to prepare them for death should already have been done. Now it is the time to relax and let nature take its course.

Be sensitive to the needs of the dying. He may not be communicating much at this point so you need to look out for him. Keep him physically comfortable and pain free.

Change into fresh clothes. Set the conditions of the environment to his needs and preference. It can be quiet in a dimmed room or music (of his choice) playing softly in the background. Regardless, it must be his choice. Loved ones in the room should minimise noise and give him space to rest peacefully. A conducive mood will help the dying peacefully retreat into the mind.

You too need to prepare yourself for the inevitable. Calm your own mind, which is not easy. The more attached you are, the harder it is to stay calm. But if your mind is anxious or grieving, you are going to disturb the dying and prevent the mind from calming down properly.

Death is a natural process like eating, sleeping or answering natureโ€™s call. Nobody feels fear engaging in those activities. Then why be afraid of death? If you sit with the dying, avoid any iota of agitation. Instead have faith or confidence in the power of the Triple Gem. That faith will translate into courage which is a source of strength for the dying.

Focus on metta (friendly kindliness) and compassion. Be a comforting, reassuring and quiet presence. At this point, you may or may not be saying anything much. But if you do, avoid any words that could trigger attachment and clinging. One of the worst things that you can say to someone dying is โ€œDonโ€™t goโ€ or โ€œDonโ€™t leave meโ€ or something like that! Do that and you might cause him to cling desperately onto the human realm. Should he die with that grasping in the heart, he will be stuck hovering around like a haunting being.

Instead, thank the dying for having done his duty well. Reassure him that the family and loved ones are fine and can take care of themselves. Tell him that it is time for him to move one and not look back.

You can also help the dying to settle the mind on the body. Even if he had no meditation experience, you can still guide him to observe the natural rising and falling rhythm of breathing detachedly. Then advise him to let go of the failing physical body and, with quiet confidence, move on.

The Epilogue

At the wake or after the funeral, we may have to continue supporting the grieving family. But be sensitive to the raw emotions around you. Be empathetic and listen first.

Do not presume to offer advice or service.
Separately, we can also perform wholesome deeds, such as donating to charitable causes and/or offering alms to the sangha (monastics) in memory of the deceased.

Do remember to share merits from all good and wholesome work we have done with the deceased. That would be most helpful for both the living as well as the recently-departed loved one.

Compassion as a Superpower: How Kindness Shapes Who We Become

Compassion as a Superpower: How Kindness Shapes Who We Become

by | Aug 20, 2025 | Buddhist practice, Emotional-mastery, Purpose & Happiness, Read

Editorโ€™s note: This is an adapted article from Robertaโ€™s blog of reflection and learnings

TLDR: Leading with compassion isn’t softโ€”it’s essential for emotional intelligence and effective leadership.

Itโ€™s easy to be compassionate toward people we love. Friends who need support, family members going through a hard timeโ€”we extend kindness almost instinctively. But what about the people outside our inner circles (a.k.a. strangers)? The ones who frustrate us, the ones we donโ€™t understand, the ones we donโ€™t even know? Or maybe the inverse? When we take our loved ones for granted.

In Search Inside Yourself, a book that started as an emotional intelligence program at Google, Chade-Meng Tan argues that compassion isnโ€™t just a moral virtueโ€”itโ€™s a skill that can be trained like a muscle. And when we build that muscle, we donโ€™t just become more patient or kind; we become more present, more emotionally intelligent, and ultimately, better at navigating life.

Why Compassion is a Game-Changer for Personal Growth

Many of us spend years trying to โ€œfixโ€ ourselvesโ€”reading self-help books, setting goals, chasing productivity hacks. But what if the real transformation comes from something simpler?

When we practice compassionโ€”toward ourselves and othersโ€”we stop seeing mistakes as failures and start seeing them as learning experiences. We stop taking things so personally. We become less reactive, less consumed by resentment, more open to change.

The more I reflect on this, the more I realise how much suffering is self-inflicted. How often do we replay an awkward conversation in our heads, assuming we embarrassed ourselves? Or beat ourselves up over things we canโ€™t change? Imagine if, instead of criticising yourself, you treated yourself like a close friend. Wouldn’t life feel lighter?

Compassion Makes You a Better Leader (and Human)

If you look at the worldโ€™s best leadersโ€”not just in business, but in communities, in families, in friendshipsโ€”they all have one thing in common: they lead with emotional intelligence. And emotional intelligence is built on compassion.

Weโ€™re currently seeing a lot of the other type of โ€˜leadersโ€™ on the world stage. A leader who lacks empathy demands perfection, dismisses emotions, and leads through fear. A leader with compassion, on the other hand, listens, understands, and inspires. They donโ€™t just see what people do; they see why they do it. And that makes all the difference.

But leadership isnโ€™t just about running a company or managing a team. We lead in our everyday livesโ€”whether itโ€™s showing up for our families, guiding a friend through a hard time, or simply setting the tone for how we interact with the world.

How to Build a Habit of Compassion

Like anything worth developing, compassion takes practice. Hereโ€™s where to start:

  • Pause Before Reacting โ€“ The next time someone frustrates you, take a breath before responding. Ask yourself: What might be happening in their world right now?
  • Turn Self-Criticism Into Self-Compassion โ€“ When you catch yourself being harsh, reframe it. Instead of, โ€œI messed up,โ€ try, โ€œIโ€™m learning.โ€
  • Make Eye Contact and Be Present โ€“ Really listen when people speak. Put your phone down. Acknowledge people. Small moments of connection create big change.

See Everyone as a Work in Progress (Including Yourself) โ€“ No one has it all figured out. Weโ€™re all just doing our best. Give others grace.

Compassion Isnโ€™t Softโ€”Itโ€™s Transformative

The world often teaches us that kindness is weakness and hat to succeed, we have to be cutthroat, unyielding, and detached. But the truth is, compassion makes us stronger. It makes us more resilient, more adaptable, more human.

To borrow words from the Buddha, to be a person of true compassion is to be like a cloud of boundless rain, watering and nourishing the lives of others regardless of who and where they are. 

So maybe the real secret to becoming the person you want to be isnโ€™t about trying harder, achieving more, or pushing through at all costs. Maybe itโ€™s about softening. About choosing understanding over judgment. About recognising that the more we give, the more we grow.

Because in the end, the way we treat others is the way we shape ourselves.

The Brahmaviharas: Your Secret to Surviving (and Thriving) in the Chaos of Adulting

The Brahmaviharas: Your Secret to Surviving (and Thriving) in the Chaos of Adulting

by | Apr 25, 2025 | Emotional-mastery, Mindfulness & Meditation, Read

TL;DR: Leaning into the Brahmaviharas wonโ€™t hurt. But leaning into anger, stonewalling, worry, pettiness, etc will.

Adulting is hard. Between managing your bossโ€™s last-minute requests, navigating the minefield of modern dating, and keeping up with the never-ending drama in your group chats, it can feel like life is one long stress test. 

But what if there was a way to handle it all with a little more graceโ€”and a lot less emotional whiplash? Enter the Brahmaviharas, a 2,500-year-old set of Buddhist principles that might just be the secret weapon you didnโ€™t know you needed.

No, you donโ€™t have to meditate on a mountaintop or renounce your worldly possessions to activate the Brahmaviharas. Think of the four qualities that make up the Brahmaviharas โ€” (1) Metta (loving-kindness), (2) Karuna (compassion), (3) Mudita (empathetic joy), and (4) Upekkha (equanimity)โ€”as emotional superpowers for modern life. They wonโ€™t turn you into an unbothered robot, but they will help you survive your 9-to-5 grind. 

So, What Are the Brahmaviharas?

Letโ€™s break them down into real-world terms:

  • Metta (Loving-Kindness): The ability to wish others wellโ€”even when itโ€™s hard. I like to imagine my dad when I try to imagine what metta is. My dad loves me since the day I was born and every version of me since then. The good, the bad and the ugly. Heโ€™s never loved me any less when I was a rude, defiant pain in the butt teenager. Similarly, we should aspire to have goodwill for others even when theyโ€™re โ€œmisbehavingโ€. 
  • Karuna (Compassion): I know we all have our own problems and sometimes it seems like we have no bandwidth to put our problems aside and step into the shoes of another thatโ€™s suffering too. But sometimes disarming our views and allowing ourselves to really hear and feel the other partyโ€™s pain helps us move a disagreement in a productive direction. 
  • Mudita (Empathetic Joy): Celebrating someone elseโ€™s successโ€”even when their win highlights your own struggles. We didnโ€™t have to do anything for someone else to be happy. Why not take that as a win? Think cheering for your friendโ€™s promotion while youโ€™re stuck in a dead-end job.
  • Upekkha (Equanimity): Staying grounded when life throws curveballs. Not being overly attached to positive or negative mental states. Like keeping your cool after dropping your phone into a public toilet bowl (before flushing). You wouldnโ€™t be the first or the last person in history to do this. Youโ€™re not the first or the last person to experience heartbreak, job loss, loss of a loved one and so forth. How do we not take life personally?

These arenโ€™t abstract ideals; theyโ€™re practical tools for handling lifeโ€™s messiness with fewer meltdowns and more (non-toxic) positivity.

How to Practice Without Quitting Your Job

You donโ€™t need hours of meditation or a spiritual retreat to bring these principles into your daily life. Hereโ€™s how you can integrate them into the chaos of adulting:

Metta for People Who Annoy You

The Brahmaviharas: Your Secret to Surviving (and Thriving) in the Chaos of Adulting

Start small. On your morning commute, silently wish kindness upon the guy blasting TikToks on his phone: โ€œMay someone give you a hug and tell you they love you today.โ€ At work, send mental good vibes to your micromanaging boss: โ€œMay you stop hovering over my shoulder and may your blood pressure readings be normal.โ€ Even while swiping left on dating apps, try thinking, โ€œMay you find happiness,โ€ instead of โ€œthatโ€™s a very cringey profile descriptionโ€. 

Karuna Without Burning Out

The Brahmaviharas: Your Secret to Surviving (and Thriving) in the Chaos of Adulting

Compassion doesnโ€™t mean sacrificing yourself at every turn. When a friend is venting, give them five undivided minutes of attentionโ€”no multitasking allowed. Small acts of kindness go a long way too: buy coffee for the tired barista or compliment your local hawker on their perfectly crispy chicken wings. Most importantly, donโ€™t forget self-compassion. Treat yourself on bad days like you would treat your best friendโ€”skip the guilt trip and opt for kindness instead.

Mudita When Youโ€™re Jealous AF

Jealousy is natural, but it doesnโ€™t have to consume you. If scrolling through Instagram makes you feel inadequate, text one friend instead: โ€œYour vacation pics made me happy!โ€ At work, remind yourself that if you got promoted, youโ€™d want cheersโ€”not side-eyesโ€”from colleagues. Even when envy strikes hard, practice celebrating strangersโ€™ wins: that influencer with the perfect life? Whisper โ€œGood for them,โ€ and move on.

Upekkha for When Life Screws You Over

Equanimity isnโ€™t about pretending everything is fineโ€”itโ€™s about accepting lifeโ€™s chaos without letting it derail your peace. 

When life throws stonesโ€”whether itโ€™s a packed train during rush hour, office politics, or a sudden personal setbackโ€”upekkha helps you respond with clarity. Instead of seething at the crowd, take a deep breath and remind yourself: โ€œThis discomfort is temporary.โ€ Shift your focus to something constructiveโ€”listen to a podcast, observe your surroundings without judgment, or simply practice mindful breathing.

When your boss drops yet another urgent request on your desk, pause before reacting. Ask yourself: โ€œWill this matter in five years?โ€ Most likely, it wonโ€™t. By zooming out and seeing the bigger picture, you can approach the task with calmness rather than resentment. 

Equanimity isnโ€™t ignoring lifeโ€™s messโ€”itโ€™s about accepting that there will be tough times. 

Real-Life Challenges (Because Adulting Is Messy)

Of course, practicing these principles isnโ€™t always easy. What happens when they donโ€™t seem to work?

  • โ€œI tried Metta, but my coworkerโ€™s still a jerk.โ€
    Kindness doesnโ€™t mean being a doormat. Set boundaries while wishing them well from afar.
  • โ€œThe person is so mean to meโ€”I donโ€™t feel any Karuna right now.โ€
    Compassion starts with yourself. Take a timeout instead of trying to fix everyoneโ€™s problems.
  • โ€œHow do I feel Mudita when my friendโ€™s living MY dream?โ€
    Acknowledge the sting (โ€œUgh, Iโ€™m jealousโ€), then pivot: โ€œBut they worked hardโ€”thatโ€™s cool. What I see is their success but not the struggles and trade offs they made to get thereโ€
  • โ€œEquanimity? I just rage-quit my Zoom call.โ€
    Perfect! Notice the anger, take three deep breaths, and remind yourself: โ€œThis meeting is temporary chaos.โ€

Why Bother?

Hereโ€™s the thing: practicing the Brahmaviharas isnโ€™t just about being niceโ€”itโ€™s about improving your mental health and relationships in tangible ways:

  • Metta reduces grudges and helps you sleep better.
  • Karuna deepens connections and combats loneliness.
  • Mudita lessens envy and brings more joy.
  • Upekkha minimizes freakouts and keeps the heart in balance

Ask yourself: Has any negative mental state ever brought you peace and happiness – rage, resentment, jealousy, sense of entitlement, hopelessness, paranoia, contempt, self pity, obsessiveness? 

May we humbly suggest that the Brahmaviharas could perhaps be a better response? 

Think of these qualities as an adulting survival kitโ€”a set of tools to help you handle lifeโ€™s chaos. 

So go ahead: wish people well (even that auntie that keeps bugging you about why youโ€™re not married yet). Care without collapsing under the weight of it all. Cheer others on like it costs nothing (because it doesnโ€™t). And breathe through lifeโ€™s inevitable curveballs and low points. Your adulting game just got an upgradeโ€”and trust us, it looks good on you.

Wise Steps:

  1. Make the effort to give kindness to those who annoy you, for your own peace of mind
  2. Treat yourself with the same compassion you give others, be your own friend
  3. Celebrate the wins of others, the same way you would hope others celebrate yours
  4. In times of turmoil, center yourself within the chaos and watch it pass, remembering that you are not alone in your suffering.
Ep 55: Gay, Married with a Family. Buddhism Taught Me Self-Love ft. Julian

Ep 55: Gay, Married with a Family. Buddhism Taught Me Self-Love ft. Julian

by | Feb 28, 2025 | Podcast


Summary

This Handful of Leaves episode features Julianโ€™s deeply personal journey of self-discovery, vulnerability, and healing. He shares his struggles with self-worth, identity, and societal expectations, reflecting on how Buddhism, self-acceptance, and gym culture helped him overcome past trauma. Through his experiences, Julian emphasises the importance of kindness โ€” to oneself and others โ€” and the courage to be authentic despite life’s challenges.


About the Speaker

Julian is a personal trainer and massage therapist who recently embraced a path of spirituality in his pursuit of a more authentic life. After returning from Canada following a career setback, he took the opportunity to reflect deeply on his journey and redefine his purpose. Now, he is dedicated to helping others who may feel lost, guiding them toward balance in both body and mind. As a father to a teenage daughter and a passionate advocate for fitness and mental well-being, Julian believes in the power of movement, mindfulness, and self-discovery to transform lives.


Key Takeaways

Self-Acceptance and Compassion

Acknowledge and embrace imperfections as part of personal growth, instead of striving for unattainable perfection.

Vulnerability as Strength

Opening up about struggles can lead to deeper connections and support from loved ones, making emotional burdens easier to carry.

Cultivate Kindness

Practicing empathy and considering both personal well-being and the well-being of others creates a more compassionate and fulfilling life.


Transcript

Full Transcript

[00:00:05] Julian: Until I was 18 years old, I could not look in the mirror at all. I’d go to the barber and I’d do this. I refused to look in the mirror. I could not. And the barbers would have to smack me, pull my head out forcefully because I just refused to do it.

[00:01:35] Cheryl: Tell me more about your journey as a Buddhist.

[00:01:37] Julian: Okay. I grew up Christian. Only in NS, when I met a very very good friend of mine and he’s now a Lama. He came to find me over the years and I think one day, he said to me, you’re supposed to be a Buddhist you were born to be a Buddhist and again.

[00:02:00] Julian: I remember at the time I was like no, it’s not something that I can accept, you know. But I think over the years, I was really quite dissatisfied with what Christians were telling me about myself. There’s always something wrong with me.

[00:02:13] Julian: After learning a bit more about Buddhism, that really is what life is about, is learning. So a lot of these that I go through now, or in the past to get over it, I’ve always told myself instead of being angry at it and reacting to it, you respond and that gives me pause.

[00:02:33] Julian: It’s very difficult, but I try, right? And this stems from something Lama said when I was in NS. He said, gay people are the way they are, because at some point in your past life, you were homophobic and you were very mean and very unkind to people who were gay.

[00:02:55] Julian: And therefore, this is the lesson you must learn. Of course, at the time, I didn’t accept it. But now, even if you look at it from a very contemporary, scientific perspective, even if it’s not true, even if you don’t believe in past lives, it doesn’t detract us from being kinder to people who are suffering because of whatever they’re going through.

[00:03:20] Julian: And my generation, the Gen Xs, we grew up in this environment where you must have a steady job, must have a car, must have so much to be successful. And this comes back to this Buddhist thing of ego, and this vulnerability, also comes from ego. I was a very proud person.

[00:03:40] Cheryl: So what changed?

[00:03:41] Julian: Losing it all. In all my life, I’ve always wanted to make a difference. And at some point I realised what difference am I making in all of this with my job and my career.

[00:03:51] Cheryl: What does it mean for you to just be yourself? From what I understand, (you) have not been yourself.

[00:03:57] Julian: The sense of liberation and the rewards I’ve received from being as natural as I can, I don’t live with like a knife at my throat anymore, a knife at your throat. When I was living in the double, I was hiding my family.

[00:04:15] Julian: I did it out of fear. Fear is a very, very powerful emotion. I was afraid for them. I was afraid for me. I was afraid of what people think about me. I was afraid of what people would think about them. And I was afraid of people blackmailing me, which happened quite a bit as well.You know, “if you don’t have sex with me, I’m going to tell your family”.

[00:04:31] Cheryl: That must be so difficult.

[00:04:33] Julian: It was part of the journey. And I can’t say that that journey was anyone else’s fault because that also came from my decisions in the past, correct or incorrect. And so I stuck with it and so coming out again to them and saying all of this was also very difficult for me because I was like, am I ready to lose it all?

[00:05:00] Julian: But it also comes to a point where really what to do. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. No matter what we do, people will judge you. There’s nothing that anyone’s going to agree with you 100%. It’s impossible, right? If I’m going to show skin, people are going to complain. If I don’t show skin, people are also going to complain.

[00:05:21] Julian: People just want to be heard. It was difficult to know that you’re going to lose everything. But one of the things I’ve also realised is that after all these years, I will always find a way to figure it out. Looking back, I’ve always sort of belittled myself. I said, no, you’re not good enough.

[00:05:40] Julian: You’re not good enough, which is very, very unhealthy. At some point I realised I needed to stop doing that. I needed to have a lot more self love, you know? Why can’t you do well in school? You’re horrible at it. Everything fails, you know? But that is the generation we grew up in.

[00:05:58] Cheryl: So what, how do you change that? Right. How do you bring the external inspirer motivator to come alive within?

[00:06:06] Julian: Okay. If you see my Instagram, it’s a lot of skin. I have to say, fortunately or unfortunately, I started with that. Growing up, I was always called short and ugly and until I was 18 years old, I could not look in the mirror at all.

[00:06:25] Julian: I’d go to the barber and I’d do this. I refused to look in the mirror. I could not. And the barbers would have to smack me, pull my head out forcefully because I just refused to do it. So I grew up like that, feeling very, very dirty about myself.

[00:06:46] Julian: And so now going to gym has been my therapy, it is my safe space. And it’s something that I tell myself I cannot, and I will not compromise.

[00:06:57] Cheryl: It’s fascinating how you started with revenge and now it’s become your safe space.

[00:07:02] Julian: So this confidence thing started from there when somebody looks at my Instagram page, yea the guy wants attention, I don’t deny it. Because that was how I could find love and attention for me. That changed. By being able to see myself, I realised I have to stop saying

[00:07:21] Julian: Okay, this is what happened. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see pictures, “this part still need to work”, “this part still need to work”, “your legs are so small”. Like, “what are you doing Julian?” “What’s wrong with you?” “Buck up”. And that’s what pushed me over the years. This constant saying, “not good enough”. Despite thousands of people telling me, “you look good”. Never believe this.

[00:07:53] Julian: And at some point, I thought to myself, I really have to say, stop. What is good? Everything can be better. Everything we do can be better. That’s how we self improve. But we have to stop saying, it’s all not good. I’ve done nothing so far. That was my lesson.

[00:08:17] Cheryl: You play many characters in your life. You take on so many jobs. At night, when you go to sleep who is this Julian that’s left?

[00:08:24] Julian: Who’s the real me? It’s that scared little boy who’s terrified of everything, terrified of making decisions, terrified of taking control. I used to write and call it, the monster I chained up inside.

[00:08:35] Julian: A part of me finds that being this vulnerable now, might make them suffer. I’ve been able to recently tell my daughter and my wife. that I’m in a bad place and I’m depressed. And feeling like I don’t want to live anymore. In a male dominated society as a father, it’s very difficult.

[00:09:00] Julian: But I’ve been rewarded with my family telling me you’re going to be okay. I am glad that this is also a reward of the vulnerability that I’ve been able to show recently, my crying on videos. I stopped holding back and I’ve learned that when I stopped holding back from myself, I also stopped holding back from them.

[00:09:24] Julian: If my deepest and darkest secrets are out to them, no one else matters anymore.They can accept me for everything that I am. They support me regardless of everything that I am. It’s still a journey.

[00:09:38] Cheryl: It’s still a journey, still a battle, but you show up every day trying your best. What is the most essential message that you want to share with our listeners who are young working adults between the age of 18 to up to 40s.

[00:09:56] Julian: Be kind to yourself. Don’t be arrogant about it, but allow yourself to be imperfect and accept it. We are all imperfect beings. We are all on this plane of existence to better ourselves. It’s very easy to be kind to other people, you know, some people will flip it around. It’s very easy to be kind to yourself. No, it’s very easy to be selfish about yourself. What’s the difference?

[00:10:22] Julian: Selfish is ego. “I want money. I must feel better before you. I want to earn more money. So therefore I don’t give you this lead so that you don’t close the sale because I want the sale.” That’s ego.

[00:10:36] Julian: Where’s the kindness to yourself? Kindness to yourself is saying things like
“I have empathy for the guy. He needs the money and I want to help him, but I am in no position to help him without that money. Then what’s going to happen? I’m doing him no good. Let me earn this money with him. Let’s grow together.” That’s kindness for myself and him.

[00:11:01] Julian: โ€ŠIt’s very easy to be selfish in ourselves. It’s very easy. I want money. I want good food. What are the motivations? It’s me. The ones who say I want to make a million dollars. I want to make a billion dollars because I want to give 80 percent away. There’s a difference. So be kind to yourself, understand that you’re not perfect. And of course, be kind to other people. I think that’s the root of kindness.

[00:11:28] Cheryl: Thank you so much, Julian. Maybe just want to add one point which is, I think it’s extremely encouraging and inspiring to me to see that you have so many battles to fight on this difficult journey, but yet you try your best, right? Not being perfect all the time, of course, but you do try your best to make people a little bit less like how you felt with that scared little boy inside. I don’t know if Jia Yi has any last words or questions.

[00:11:56] Jia Yi: When you, you decided to be vulnerable and it was a huge gamble for you to lose it, was it like a push or pull factor or something snapped that made you decide, okay, I’m going to do this?

[00:12:08] Julian: It was more of a sense of overwhelming frustration. It’s almost like what I call the aspie melt. I’m done. I’ve had enough. Enough. You know, I just want to throw out the trash. I wasn’t quite able to see what would happen.

[00:12:28] Julian: I just had to trust myself that I would have the ability and the universe will have the ability to keep me safe. So, you know, even as I thought, lose the house, lose the family, lose my friends, parents and all, just lose it. There was a part of me that I lose it all and I can’t handle it or can’t tank it, kill myself.

[00:12:54] Jia Yi: So it was like your last straw already?

[00:12:56] Julian: It was, yeah. I do have to add, the thing that has always kept me from the act itself, is the Buddhist teaching. And it was something my Lama told me many years ago, that if we do commit suicide, we will be doomed. Doomed to live your last moments over and over and over again. Until your supposed time and then you pay penance for it.

[00:13:19] Julian: And I remember thinking, “so terrible”. I just want to go. This just makes it worse. You know? So, it has kept me literally from going over the edge. Look down and be like, “Do I want to keep doing this? No.”

[00:13:44] Jia Yi: Thank you for sharing.

[00:13:46] Cheryl: Okay. Yeah. Thank you so much Julian.



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Editor and transcriber of this episode:

Hong Jia Yi, Ang You Shan, Tan Si Jing, Bernice Bay, Cheryl Cheah


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