TLDR: Single and in your late twenties? Mabel shares her stories of realisation and wisdom from navigating the dating world. From opening the door to your heart to understanding the drawbacks of mundane love, this article explores deeper into struggles of dating in the environment which pushes us to find romantic love.
Being single in your late twenties seems to scream that you are broken and bad. It feels like a problem that needs to be fixed.
A life devoid of romantic love is often painted to be imperfect and empty. And although I’ve been happily single and mostly unperturbed by narratives like these, my immunity has been waning the older I get. I feel pressure, shame, and anxiety. Dating used to be fun and exciting, but now it feels like a chore.
Dating leaves us feeling vulnerable, afraid and imperfect.
It is such a courageous thing we do – showing up for complete strangers, opening up to them, and letting them into our lives. No matter how many times I’ve done it, it still scares me. I’m so thankful to have met with nice people and formed genuine connections. Looking back, I’ve made mistakes and probably caused some hurt, but it is also through experiences like these that I learn about myself.
Here are a few things I’ve learned as a twentysomething navigating the dating scene:
Tip 1: Opening the door to your heart
During the dating process, I noticed a lot of self-sabotaging tendencies that emanate from feeling not good enough.
I felt the need to have achieved certain things or look a certain way before I am worthy of romantic love.
I would meet nice guys who show interest, and think to myself: ‘oh, he can’t be interested in me, he’s too good for me’. I would be fearful that they would see my flaws and lose interest.
Using dating apps magnified this feeling of inadequacy. I felt like a two-dimensional, searchable item looking to fit into someone’s dating checklist.
I had to take on society’s demands and live up to its expectations to feel worthy of love.
These feelings of imperfection and deficiency stemming from a strong sense of self could lead to love prone to impurities and more suffering. We could end up being in relationships that don’t serve us, or find a partner for the wrong reasons.
Only when we extend loving-kindness to ourselves can we examine love with a neutral mind, and know when to keep trying or when to end things.
I read renowned Australian monk Ajahn Brahm’s Opening The Door To Your Heart 10 years ago, and I’ve always thought the key message was being kind to others. The story, I realised, was about opening the doors of our hearts to ourselves as well.
You do not have to be perfect, without fault, to give yourself love. If you wait for perfection, it never arrives. We must open the door of our hearts to ourselves, whatever we have done.
Tip 2: Understanding the drawbacks of mundane love
I extended this unreasonable yardstick for worthiness to my partners. After ending things with a few guys, I unwillingly acknowledged that perhaps I’m part of the problem.
The Buddha points out that we suffer due to cravings that arise when we don’t understand ourselves. I unpacked my approach towards dating and saw how easily put off I am by signs of flaws and recognised the ideals and desires I projected onto others.
These are desires not rooted in reality, and I was creating suffering for myself.
Dating apps with their filtering functions and abundance of choice give us the illusion that there is a perfect human being out there. I loved the idea that I would find someone with instant and perfect compatibility.
But the truth is there are no relationships with no conflicts, and we will always have to work through inevitable differences.
Conditioned things are impermanent and unsatisfactory. We and our partners, as unenlightened beings, will always have our own sets of defilements which will render the dating process unsatisfactory at times.
Almost all of us reach dating age with some form of wound or trauma. Perhaps the more space we can allow for the deficiencies of love and the flawed reality of nature, the better chance we’ll have at being good at love.
Suffering ends when ignorance-based cravings end, not when you find ‘true love’.
Tip 3: Knowing what you want and communicating it
When I started using dating apps, I knew I was looking for a committed relationship with someone who shares similar values. So I would swipe left on guys who were looking for something casual, or guys who ‘don’t know yet’ simply because our goals were not aligned.
I believe this saved me a lot of time and heartache. During the dating process, I have found it helpful to communicate these goals and needs.
Don’t assume that they will figure it out on their own, or that they should know these things instinctively.
It is worth investigating what we are looking for in a relationship. Are we hoping to end suffering with love? Are we looking for an antidote to boredom? Are we hoping to gain coarse rewards through this relationship such as sexual pleasure, wealth, social status, or fame? Is this kind of relationship sustainable?
I reflect on these questions quite a bit.
It is when both partners are ethical, of good character, and equal in standard of conduct that they can live together enjoying all the pleasures they desire. (Numbered Discourses 4.53 Living Together). Perhaps we could use this as a guide when dating.
Dating is a skill and something we can learn to be better at through experience. By practising more qualities of metta (the superior kind of love), we can strive to be one who neither suffers from this dating process nor be the cause of others’ suffering.
Wise Steps:
Be respectful and kind, and treat the other person the way you would like to be treated.
If you’re feeling burnt out from dating, take a break, don’t go through the process mindlessly. Enjoy the beauty of being single.
Reflect on what you’ve learned from previous relationships or dates. Did it teach you something about what you want and don’t want? What are the ideals, desires and expectations that you tend to project onto others?
Wholesome Wednesdays (WW): Bringing you curated positive content on Wednesdays to uplift your hump day.
To all our Singapore readers.. happy national day! Today we reflect on what Buddha advised a king on how nations come together and how they weaken. In addition, we look at the diverse nation we live in. May we always grow in the path of peace!
1. Following these 7 principles fosters harmony in a nation. Buddha’s advice to a king.
2. A Fresh Take on Different Faiths in Singapore
Following these 7 principles fosters harmony in a nation. Buddha’s advice to a king.
Image of King Ajatashatru, who wanted to invade a country
What’s going on here & why we like it
Buddhist Door, a blog focused on Buddhist stories, shares how Buddha advised a king to NOT invade a country because that country followed 7 principles that strengthened unity. One of them includes protecting the rights and safety of women! Buddha was being skilful in dissuading the young king as it would have led to unnecessary bloodshed. However, the ultimate outcome was one that ended with blood on the streets.
As they quarrelled among themselves, their united front collapsed. This time the clever minister sent a message to King Ajatasattu: “Now is the time to attack.”
Wise Steps
Yes, you probably are not running a nation but rather part of an organisation (work/ community/ youth group). Reading these 7 principles is still useful in the way of running these groups that you work with. What are some ways you can implement them? What are some missing pieces in your organisation?
Ophelia, a HOL contributor, shares her thoughts on national day and how there are different colours of religions coming together in the melting pot of Singapore. She explores how different acts in religions converge towards similar meetings. If we could all look deeper, we just might learn something new!
It is natural to agree and disagree; to identify and cluster, what more to differentiate and – god forbid – discriminate. Yet, how often do we understand each other?
Wise Steps
Take a chance to know more intimately the rituals of other religions, you might learn something new and shed away prejudices that you held!
TLDR: How often do our looks influence our self-perception? With social media becoming increasingly consumed, how does that shape our self worth? Nana reflects on her eyebrows and the Dhamma.
I do not know about you, but I have minimal eyebrows.
They are so light that it almost appears like I have none.
Eyebrow tattoos?
At work, my colleagues would constantly tease me about them, and advise me to get an eyebrow tattoo. They often discuss beauty-enhancing measures, such as botox, fat burning, nose jobs, and the list goes on.
On one occasion, I shared about this work environment with a good friend, and she reminded me to be mindful because I could get swept away by the constant association.
I secretly thought it was ludicrous; my Dhamma roots are strong and going! I will not be swayed by such comments that people make.
Eyelid stickers and the creeping vanity
Recently I learnt about eyelid stickers, which really helped me look prettier (in my humble opinion), and they became my daily use.
Not long later, as I was waiting at the MRT station I caught myself searching up eye surgeries for double eyelids! I even began noticing the fine lines across my forehead and debated the use of botox to preserve my youth.
This was something that has never crossed my mind before, not in all my 29 years of life. Yet here I was, trying to find a way to beautify myself and prolong it.
I became self-conscious of each facial imperfection which never bothered me before.
To stop me from giving in to these desires, I began observing those who are old; and I have yet to find an 80-year-old person who retains her youthful looks.
What I came to realise is, that no matter what products we apply to our faces, or the beauty enhancement procedures we undergo, physical beauty will inevitably fade.
This experience reminded me of two things the Buddha has taught:
1. Associate not with the fools, but with the wise. Who we associate with, is also what our mind associates with. This affects us in a wholesome, or unwholesome manner.
2. Constantly bring to mind, the five daily reflections; one of which is “I am subject to aging.”
After this realisation, my colleagues who talk about beauty products no longer stir my mind to seek beauty. I, instead, try to focus on building my inner beauty. To be unshaken by praise, blame, fame, disrepute, gain, loss, happiness, and sadness.
Wise Steps:
Reflect on the people you mix with for they can affect the way you view yourself
Recollecting on impermanence and ageing is a great way to overcome unhealthy obsessions with beauty
Wholesome Wednesdays (WW): Bringing you curated positive content on Wednesdays to uplift your hump day.
Pink Dot, an event that supports people’s right to love, comes and goes every year. This year is back to a physical event with many hugs exchanged and photos taken. Beyond the event, how can we show support and compassion to our LGBTQ+ friends?
1. To foster harmony and understanding, we first must drop the need to be right all the time. Here’s how
2. The ultimate guide to inclusivity in organisations (Buddhist ones included!)
To foster harmony and understanding, we first must drop the need to be right all the time. Here’s how
Unsplash
What’s going on here
The author shares how we can establish harmony between the divides in society. Staying silent about discrimination can make us part of the problem too. Understanding our and others’ fears can bridge the gap.
Why we like it & the key takeaway
The author gives super nice graphics on how we can react in different situations. For example, if a colleague is uncomfortable with another colleague’s sexual orientation. Or in other cases, a colleague feels discriminated against because of their sexual orientation.
“A constructive approach is to educate ourselves about the opposing views in hopes that our perspectives can be shifted, and that misconceptions can be cleared. “
The ultimate guide to inclusivity in organisations (Buddhist ones included!)
Screen capture from Rainbodhi’s Manual
What’s going on here
Rainbodhi, a spiritual friendship group for LGBTQIA+ Buddhists and an advocate for more inclusion and diversity in the broader Buddhist community, shares a simple manual for boosting inclusivity in Buddhist groups and more!
Why we like it & key takeaways
The cute comic strip helps the reader navigate the dos and don’ts in creating an inclusive practitioner circle for all. More importantly, the manual also shares perspectives on the link between Anatta & sexual identity. We love the manual as it is comprehensive in building a more inclusive organisation.
“Some Buddhists use the concept of not-self to shut down LGBTQIA+ people talking about issues that affect them, or the very real suffering that they experience.”
TLDR: There are lessons hidden under any experience. Have you ever thought of going through life like a painter working on his/her painting?
Recently, I picked up a new interest to embrace a slower life pace. Registered for acrylic painting for adult beginners, I went to first class with an open mind, even though I couldn’t draw a proper stickman for that matter 😅
While the first painting I created was not exactly something I am comfortable showing around, I may have gotten a hang of the process for now.
This is the sixth painting I’ve undertaken in the guided art class, completed in three sessions of about eight hours in total. It is also the first painting requiring more than one session to complete – the most challenging one so far!
“So what has painting got to do with internal/spiritual growth?” You may wonder.
These are a few things I learned from the couple of lessons I have attended:
There is a sample picture for reference, but everyone’s painting will be different
A sample picture is given for each class to guide amateur painters like me. Similar to journeying life, we learn from others who have lived before us.
Intriguingly, the painting process mirrors the defining steps in expressing one’s autonomy in face of the reference picture: Do we choose more vibrant or darker blue for the sky? Do we place the trees closer together or further apart?
Even when the person paints the same composition again, the result may be different. It is impossible and unnecessary to make a carbon copy out of somebody else’s art and life.
A painting can be completed in two hours or ten hours; depending on how much effort we consciously give and how much detail we enrich onto the canvas. The time spent and the number of stages completed are subjective to the person going through the experience.
Feeling unsatisfied, I may continue trying to ‘fix’ the painting. Often, it might be better to stop trying to fix something and continue to the next step. When I return to that troubling area again eventually, it may have blended into the overall painting.
We decide individually if we have done enough to our best ability – whether we are satisfied or whether more could be done. There isn’t a fixed stop line.
I can draw a frame of the expected result, though it may not turn out that way
All the students sketched the initial composition for their paintings: light and shadow, trees’ form, pathway’s lines. Multiple adjustments to the original sketch were made throughout the session.
When the tree’s form looked odd, I enhanced the tree size to match the distance proportion. When the shadow didn’t look natural, I added shades of blue or white.
This is closely akin to life in general: I can plan how I would like my day to go, though it may unfold differently many times.
I may have to adjust accordingly, for example, starting a meeting later when the train is late, choosing another restaurant when the one chosen has a long queue, etc.
These adjustments do not mean that part of the day is ruined. The day is just how it needs to be. Like scaling tree size for a more proportionate painting, holding things lightly and making adjustments as needed makes a peaceful day.
When I want to correct a part of the painting, I need to recall which colours I had used to recreate the same colour mix
Even after several sessions, I still find it difficult to recreate blended colours. Throughout the session, mindfulness and keen observation of my actions were required to recall which green and how much of green I’ve mixed into the blue to get colour for the background.
Making mistakes and corrections are part of life. It may be helpful to reflect on what had been done previously to make restorative actions or even to pick up from where I feel I took the wrong turn and follow a different direction from there.
Nature is not symmetrical; the imperfect strokes are what makes nature paintings beautiful
I enjoy the symmetrical look of buildings and architecture for the clean and tidy vibes. This preference sneaked unconsciously into my painting classes.
I still remember having asked my art teacher during the first lesson, “Why does my flower field feel odd?”
Her answer: “It is too planned. Too symmetrical. And nature is not that way.”
That need for orderliness was just the tip of a ‘perfectionism’ iceberg. I’m aware of the many times I stare at the canvas or the times when I hold back my brush just before it touches the canvas, thinking “What should I do next?”
Such hesitance is not unlike many decision-making situations I have been in. Worried about making the wrong decision, I revisited my thought process to ensure I cover all angles before actually setting course. While it is essential to do my research and decide carefully, I often find myself ruminating longer than necessary before taking action.
When I spent more time hesitating in class, I fell behind in the subsequent steps and eventually just rushed along to complete the class.
As the serial late-finisher among the students, I was still not yet fully satisfied with the result!
I have learnt to pace myself for more balanced efforts in each stage of painting and it has worked quite well now.
Wanting to follow society’s commonly accepted ‘rules’ to make the ‘perfect’ choices, I gave myself an unreasonable amount of pressure. Through painting, I learned that life is imperfect.
As much as I’d like it to be ‘perfect’, there are many areas beyond my control that could look better with imperfection – like nature’s asymmetry
The full picture can be seen clearer from a distance
When I’m deeply immersed in class, I can see every single stroke up close: colour gradients and shapes that can look unusual from some angles. A comment will arise in my mind “This looks odd. It’s not as nice as I’d like it”.
The teacher then reminds me to stand back, view the painting from a distance or even look at it through my mobile phone’s camera. I often realise the colours and shapes gel in well as a whole with this view.
I recall the times at work or in my personal life when I was deeply entrenched in the situation that I forgot that in the grander scale of things, the conflict was not the most important thing.
The few times I managed to catch myself getting too entangled in my position/view in the disagreement, I took a breath and a step back. It helped to diffuse the tension I was feeling and loosen the grip of my perspective.
Thanks to the painting experience, I learnt the usefulness of taking a step back and catching my breath.
Learning from Painting
These are the few lessons I gathered from my painting lessons, not only the painting skills but also general life lessons 😊 I am glad I registered for them and I look forward to more learning opportunities.
I hope this sharing would encourage others to pick up new/old interests that have been put off due to ‘life demands’.
And who knows, there could be hidden lessons underneath the activities or at the very least, an additional experience for a richer life?
Wise points:
There are life lessons in mundane activities, we could be pleasantly surprised if we are aware and remain open to seeing what we can learn
Like painting, lift the tendency to control every single stroke/action. The result may be a positive one
When we are immersed too deeply in the situation, it may be helpful to take a step back and assess it from a distance
