Ep 73: Retiring from Singapore Elite Special Forces to Buddhist Monk ft. Venerable Drachom

Ep 73: Retiring from Singapore Elite Special Forces to Buddhist Monk ft. Venerable Drachom

hthttps://youtu.be/_mbkJojD0kw

Summary

Can you become fearless not by becoming stronger, but by learning to love more deeply?

In this thought-provoking conversation, Ven Drachom explores what it means to move beyond fear and develop a deeper relationship with compassion, courage, discipline, and suffering. Drawing from his experiences as a former SEAL-trained anti-terrorist commando and his Buddhist spiritual practice, he offers a very different perspective on what it means to become a spiritual warrior.

Rather than seeing fear as something that must simply be defeated, Ven Drachom describes a transformation in which fear gradually gives way to love. The goal is not to become emotionally numb or invulnerable. Instead, it is to develop the inner strength to meet difficult experiences without immediately reacting to them.

Ven Drachom speaks about responding to difficult people and difficult circumstances from a place of love rather than irritation, anger, or fear. That is a challenging practice. It asks us to pause before reacting and consider another possibility: What would happen if, instead of allowing someone’s behaviour to create more negativity within us, we responded with compassion?

This idea can be applied far beyond spiritual practice. In everyday relationships, disagreements, work, family situations, and moments of uncertainty, we constantly have opportunities to choose between reacting from fear and responding from a deeper sense of compassion.

One of the central themes of this conversation is that real transformation happens gradually. Fearlessness isn’t simply something we decide to have one morning. Compassion, courage, discipline, and awareness are qualities that develop through practice. The journey is therefore not about becoming a person who never feels fear. It is about becoming someone who doesn’t have to be controlled by fear. And perhaps that is the deeper meaning behind becoming a spiritual warrior: not fighting the world, but learning to transform what happens inside us.


About the Speaker

👤 Venerable Tenzin Drachom is a Singaporean Buddhist monk whose extraordinary life has taken him from the front lines of Singapore’s Special Forces to the path of spiritual practice. Before becoming a monk, Ven. Drachom spent 32 years in the Singapore Armed Forces as a Special Forces commando. He was part of the team that stormed Singapore Airlines Flight SQ117 during the 1991 hijacking, an operation that rescued all the hostages and was completed in just 30 seconds. He also underwent some of the military’s most demanding training, including the US Navy SEAL course, and served as an instructor who trained generations of officer cadets.

Yet behind this formidable military career was a lifelong connection to Buddhism. Raised in a Buddhist family, Ven. Drachom began practising in his teens and continued to deepen his practice throughout his years in the military. After retiring from the SAF in 2013, he travelled to Dharamsala, India, where he began his monastic journey. He was later ordained by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and received the name Tenzin Drachom. Today, he draws on the same discipline, resilience and mental training that shaped his military career to cultivate wisdom, compassion an


Key Takeaways

🦁 I’m not afraid anymore

Fear doesn’t have to determine how we live, respond, or relate to others.

❤️ You replace all the fear with love

The conversation explores love and compassion as a powerful alternative to fear and reactivity.

🛡️ Whether it’s something difficult, whether it’s something unpleasant, he always had that let’s go kind of attitude.

Courage means developing the willingness to face difficulty rather than automatically running away from it.


Transcript

Full Transcript

[00:00:00] Ven Drachom: Easy, even possible to get enlightened. Do you know what it takes to become a Buddha? This man tortured me for 19 years. I’m so afraid the day he kill me, I can’t generate love for them. I pray that I receive everyone’s suffering forever, even in hell. Then I give all my happiness to them. If I die this way, I got no regret. As long as someone is a human being, a being ascension with a mind, there definitely potential of suffering. And you wish, you know, I will receive then you from the very depth of your heart. Those suffering come or something like that. Come. Come. And I command you to come.

[00:00:38] Cheryl: I’m really curious. You speak a lot about your teacher.

[00:00:42] Ven Drachom: Yeah.

[00:00:42] Cheryl: I’m curious to understand what did your teacher and your practice teach you that the special forces couldn’t?

[00:00:47] Ven Drachom: Well, you use the metaphor here. The special forces were really physical, able to shoot very straight. You cannot miss. There’s a target. So, obviously one is very mundane in nature, one is about talking about the secrecy of your mind, to know the secrecy of the mind. They are gradually power that bring you up to the particular mind that you see the true nature of your mind. So, I got 32 teacher, but some are very close. So, I got 32 of them. Not saying that you only need to have 32 teacher. Just find one good one in the beginning that you able to understand the nature of the meaning of the what he say. I think it’s very important. I think in Singapore, many people are wanting to do so. A lot of people look around how to but they don’t have a gradual path. So, the teaching that were I receive is like this. It’s called the gradual path to enlightenment. So, it’s called Lamrim common path, uncommon path. These are all the teaching of the Buddha. This is called the turning the wheel of Dharma mudra, turning far lung soaring. So, the teaching of the Buddha, then is sequential. There’s nothing called which one higher, lower. It’s which one comes first, which one comes later. So, like you build this building I’m at right now. You cannot build this level three without building level one or foundation. If you think that you The you want to practice level three without level one and two, you will never get any success because there’s no foundation for you to go. So, when we talk about this system, then the teaching of the Buddha is arranged like that. Level one, two, three, four, five. So, this is the Pali tradition. This is a Sanskrit tradition. I don’t like to use the word Hinayana Mahayana. Make someone this higher than this. No. This come first or everything. Whoever practice Mahayana don’t have the basis of Hinayana practice garbage. You need to have these and these and that. So, what is the practice here? Taking refuge, keeping a five precept, practicing the 10 virtue section and abandon the 10 non-virtue section. Then from here to achieve the fruit of next life, you have a good rebirth rate again. But some people just can’t handle this amount of time to invest to transform their mind. So, I want to list some side I want to become a Arahat Pratyekabuddha. Then they practice the three higher training. They think of the suffering of even a higher realm in samsara by nature. They see the traveling of dependent arising. They meditate on the 51 mental factor. And they realize that the mental factor traveling, the mental factor of the link of craving and grasping being the most important. You know, don’t crave, don’t grasp, you cannot ripen all those imprint and that link that will make you suffer practice the thing. So, by cutting seeing that wisdom realizing correctly, they achieve the fruit of a Arahat Pratyekabuddha. Then basic based on that there’s certain people but at a certain point of their lives then Buddha let’s say they achieve Arahat. Then Buddha knock at the door, “Oi, there’s someone suffering. How?” They oh, really? Then they quite quiet. They come back to practice the So, like that one, two. Then they come to join the Mahayana teaching. The Mahayana teaching got this motivation. May I become a Buddha to free everyone from suffering. So, what I I I achieve enlightenment? How about the rest of other people? I want to free every one single one from suffering. This where they start to think, “Is that even possible or not?” So, the Buddha say, “First must think is it even possible to get enlightened?” So, that’s the real first question. Someone practicing Mahayana Sutrayana Mahayana Vajrayana. Then you will ask those people a teacher want to check the student say, “So, you say you want to become a Buddha. Is it possible? Why possible?” So, they ask, “Why you want to become Buddha. Feel good, no? I like to become Buddha. Everybody puts fruits. Oh, nice flower thing. So, you want to become Buddha? Do you know what it takes to become a Buddha? Why you need Buddha? What you are willing to go through? So, Mahakashyapa hear that want to become a Buddha. The concept of Buddhism you offer everyone, he fainted. He said, “No, this I can’t do.” Kashyapa, you know? You know? Buddha disciple. Maha Jassa, you know? Incredible, you know? Shuku Singo, you know? He said thing he fainted, you know?

[00:04:18] Cheryl: Mhm.

[00:04:20] Ven Drachom: So, maybe some of us got coming in brain. Then you say I want to become a Buddha. Then this where you where when you start to take the Bodhisattva vow, and then you practice the six perfection. That will bring you a 10 ground Bodhisattva. But that’s still not enough. When we talk about Buddha, we talk about the four body. The wisdom body, and then the form body. And these two form body, Rupakaya and Dharmakaya, can be divided into sub parts.

[00:04:40] Cheryl: I’m curious also in your own personal experience, because you say you know it’s step by step, right? So, how did you kind of as it from a practicing lay Buddhist then, decide to take the next step to become a monastic, and then step by step going forward?

[00:04:55] Ven Drachom: Once you find your teacher, right? And you find a very unmistaken teacher, and you take her take his advice at that. Since you don’t know, you need to hear someone know better than you, all right, you know? If you find a very unmistaken teacher, then it become very easier. You just follow what he tell you to do. Then you just do do the thing.

[00:05:11] Cheryl: So, it’s trust in your teacher.

[00:05:12] Ven Drachom: Yeah, trust in the teacher. Singing of his quality, his kindness. Because of my soldiering background, I decided that we all die one day, one quite clear.

[00:05:19] Cheryl: Mhm.

[00:05:20] Ven Drachom: No one don’t die one. Everybody will die. So, when I die, must have no fear, no regret. Die pretty happy. I done whatever I can. So, I pray. I pray that I receive everyone’s suffering forever, even in hell. Then I give all my happiness to them. Then if I die this way, I got no regret. So, when I suffer, I got no I got no problem in suffering, because I’m taking other people’s one. I truly mean it. Now I take your suffering. So, through the blessing to other thing, you have to from your own side, all right? Say that is this the best I can do right now for others? Then you start to because in the long run it’s very structured. So, he’s able to bring you from beginning knowing that, okay, what are the main thing you need to know that in permanent perfect human rebirth karma suffering a lower realm taking refuge then the three higher training with the 12 link then sequentially bring you even the suffering of thing then you create aversion here in samsara. I always cheat myself. Then this is the real enemy right now because of my open my big fat mouth I always challenge her.

[00:06:13] Cheryl: I’m actually very curious. Just now you said like how do we you were you take on everyone’s suffering. Yeah. How do you do that without getting overwhelmed?

[00:06:22] Ven Drachom: You you have to start with small bit first, all right? This called lojong. It’s one of the main dondar of a bodhisattva practice. To generate bodhicitta there’s two method. The seven point one one effect and another one like that. It’s called object love compassion. As long as someone is a human being, a being, a sentient with a mind, they definitely potential of suffering and you wish, you know, I will receive then you from the very depth of your heart I will take. I will take. And you determine. And then you don’t think anymore already come back. Like you have to be so determined. This is what the great bodhisattva they do.

[00:06:57] Cheryl: And how’s the experience? So, when you take in you feel all of that pain? So, there’s a visualization we do. You

[00:07:02] Ven Drachom: Imagine going inside here you destroy yourself cherishing. So, it’s like if someone kill you because of certain things that my teacher tell me affect me very very much. So, I got 32 teachers. One of the teachers was caught by the Tibet the Chinese in 59. They went to the prison Gulag. They were tortured for 19 years. Our forefather he told Tenzin Gyatso hey, you you want to open up China if you continue doing this all right you’re not going to open up. Do the absolute what you need to do. Those not necessary let go. So, he decided to let go all the prisoner inside the thing. So, my teacher got released. They went to see my my main ordination master he’s on the Dalai Lama. So, he is on the list ask my teacher so what was the the most difficult thing you all experienced you are most fearful of in the prison?” So, they told this one thing maybe some form of torturing technique or whatever. So, among the group they say this, “This man this group of men who tortured me for 19 years, I’m so afraid the day he kill me, I can’t generate love for them.” So, right now someone just scold you a bit, give you a black face, or you cannot take it. So, I take that as a standard I want. She tortured me 19 years. He going to kill me. I’m most afraid I can’t love him. Yeah, I want to bring him to enlightenment. Now, that’s the standard we’re talking about, right? I will do some puja, I will give some food. I want to become quite lower right now. I’m not saying people lower, but for me, right? Don’t go lower, go higher already. I told you double double tall. Come on, I want to do do bigger. No big don’t do. Jumbo lie down. No suffering come or something like that. Come. Come. I command you to come. Those great practitioners do not do puja. You know you do prayer. Oh, I’m so sick or I do prayer or a few signals. Now, you do puja to say, “May I take all your suffering?” Ah, that’s a different right now.

[00:08:44] Cheryl: And it’s very interesting because it’s very counterintuitive as well. Most people see suffering, they run away. What more taking and welcoming and embracing other people’s uh

[00:08:52] Ven Drachom: Ah, this is a different. The bodhisattva are like firemen, you know? When fire come, everybody run out. But the firemen go in.

[00:08:57] Cheryl: That’s true.

[00:08:58] Ven Drachom: Let’s go back. I already decided watching rule for high do zhong sheng. Then run with the For the very first time when you practice, all right? There’s something inside there that suddenly become awaken, alive, all right? For the very first time, there’s the freshness in your thought. Wow.

[00:09:17] Cheryl: Can you tell us more about that first time?

[00:09:19] Ven Drachom: Buddha taught two category of dharma. So, one of the dharma is parable. So, in one of the life, all right? The Buddha was a was a crow. So, there was a big big big big big fire, you know? So, everybody was running out. The animal running out. But the crow was running in, you know? Flying in. Then they all tell him, “Why are you going in when everybody is going out?” He say, “I got a jar of water in my beak. I want to put out the fire to feed one from suffering. Wow. Now, this is our determination unit. So, when you meet the un-mistaken teacher, they got this our quality, you’re going to follow suit. You will meet a teacher tonsure pastor, you also become tonsure pastor, lah. No pain, no gain, no do, no get. Something cannot become nothing and nothing cannot become something, it’s quite clear, cause and effect. So, we all wish for money to come. You never give how you’re going to receive.

[00:10:01] Cheryl: So,

[00:10:02] Ven Drachom: Mhm.

[00:10:02] Cheryl: For someone living a normal life today, right? Average person, how can they start becoming a spiritual warrior in their own way? Okay, good. In their own way, when you say the first rule to become even learn to take the thing is first not to anything that harm your own mind. Because in the longer term, if you do not live a ethical life, all right? You will not be able to do whatever. You will be not be supported by ethics. Ethics is like the ground for everything to grow. So, for a spiritual warrior, so beginning, first keep the five precept, do the 10 virtuous section. At a certain point of time, then think, whatever I do, try to have the concept of sharing. I try to share 50/50. In a certain point, I love to share everything with other people. I got no problem. Then slowly, slowly, slowly, think more, analyze a little bit more. Is this the best I can do for others? Pause for a while. When you eat food, let’s say I [snorts] go to a nice place eat food, because I’m vegan. I don’t eat onion, garlic. I don’t take dinner. Means I go overseas, all right? It’s a little bit tricky, but I say it’s my choice, all right? Because when I know why monks don’t eat after dinner, because the chewing of the food, the sound, make all those hungry ghosts celebrate and they suffer. I don’t want them to suffer. No one need to suffer because I need to live. Then we can speak less, all right? Will be much useful. Because you will think more. Because by thinking correctly, what can I do for others? Then they will say, “Mhm, maybe I try to do this. At least I don’t harm them verbally.” So, the the five precept and the 10 virtuous section sort of got you already. Even we do this very well, then we say warrior. So, the very first time, you are first level warriors, warrior against your gross habit. Mhm. You haven’t touched the inner one, huh? The self-cherishing, self-grasping, huh? Mhm.

[00:11:34] Ven Drachom: Still the gross one still. Can do that, then slowly go in. First you have to pray to find your teacher. Your teacher that is a warrior one, then you can become warrior. If your teacher not warrior, cannot become warrior. Sorry.

[00:11:44] Cheryl: Mhm.

[00:11:44] Ven Drachom: You see, huh? A bunch of lion led by a goat, no, can only become goat. Clear? A bunch of goat led by lion, all the goat behave like lion. Clear?

[00:11:53] Cheryl: Yes. And you’re saying that um to find a teacher, prayers and aspirations would be enough?

[00:12:00] Ven Drachom: Yeah. You pray. You pray to find your teacher, you will come. You pray, “May I find a teacher I can communicate, got all these requirement, can lead me completely to full enlightenment.” And it might come immediately. Don’t come all like 10 years later or what. It will come immediately tomorrow.

[00:12:12] Cheryl: Wow.

[00:12:13] Ven Drachom: You must think like that. Then the thing will come. Because this is the aspiration, and these are the cause and effect. Without create cause, you don’t get the effect, what?

[00:12:19] Cheryl: Mhm.

[00:12:19] Ven Drachom: Many people did not know that this simple cause and You stand at McDonald’s where the people give food, they say “Good morning, sir. Good morning, sir.” Then you must say “I want one whatever meal.” Then the thing come, right, no?

[00:12:27] Cheryl: Right.

[00:12:28] Ven Drachom: Cause and effect. Come on.

[00:12:29] Cheryl: It makes

[00:12:30] Ven Drachom: Yeah, later we’ll go lunch or we’ll sit there. The people look at us.

[00:12:35] Cheryl: No cause.

[00:12:36] Ven Drachom: No, you you have to do something, right, no? So finding a teacher become very important. We don’t have a lot of time left. Whatever the time left in your life, make it as you useful as yourself. If a thought make you become negative, not so good, let go of it. Remember the rubber band. Couple of breath. Take three deep breath. You should be quite good. Three deep breath able to make it. Get a big hot water, drink, then you feel pretty good again. I think that would be quite useful. To become a warrior. So when you warrior, when you come out here, the first thing is you go you must draw for a soldier. Especially for every Monday we go to the range and shoot. The first thing we do is to make sure you check our gun or weapon or what. So when you come to in relation to this or that, every morning we wake up with the motivation, “May whoever see me never ever suffer. May I bring them to enlightenment.” You tell like that. It’s like drawing a weapon, really.

[00:13:17] Cheryl: Mhm.

[00:13:17] Ven Drachom: Then you go out. I will take everyone’s suffering forever. Because this strength of ascertainment must be so powerful, you can overcome every adverse negative thought people say one. Like some people do most irritating thing to you. You say regarding irritating you do I will forever love you. Decided already. So you come from a point of ascertainment rather than kind of what the guy decide then you try to know what I mean. Sifu tell me cannot. Must love the person. Then you’re struggling you become negatively affected already. But now you come from the point of ascertainment I already decided you come

[00:13:46] Cheryl: Mhm.

[00:13:47] Ven Drachom: You come from the point I really know what to do already. That’s different. So you’re creating rather than reacting. So Dharma is a lot of creation, creating fresh fresh fresh fresh. Reacting means the thing will happen now. Sifu say some prayer for you. Sifu say don’t worry you will be okay. Also depend how much you can receive now. Whether you got how much of the comic connection you have with the teacher. If the teacher you got faith then quite easy. It will definitely work. The radio station always broadcast one. It’s just that when you go out on a boat whoever never tune in it’s not you know you do your job already correct? You go and do a bit of editing you do all the thing. Then what happen next? If you broadcast out people never tune in it’s not your fault what? It’s the person never tune in what? Then they tune in then they get the whatever they can understand. Whoever see me today all right never go lower realm. I pray this way.

[00:14:28] Cheryl: Oh.

[00:14:29] Ven Drachom: Whoever is here never go lower realm. Cannot go lower realm. Cannot forever. Cannot go. If you ever think that you’re going you think of me I will go for on your behalf. This is my promise.

[00:14:38] Cheryl: Thank you so much Pen Cin Drashom.

[00:14:40] Ven Drachom: Yeah thank you.

[00:14:40] Cheryl: For your wisdom.

[00:14:41] Ven Drachom: You will probably likely whatever you do if you say take out your homework then we will know where are you already. It’s a very structured one. You never do that trading means you don’t have that thing. If you have that means you’re going to have that thing. Every effect come from a proper cause. Then if you don’t have the particular proper cause all right so the cause is like listening to the unmistakable. So you work hard. You are young. Young all right? The most 30 maybe 20 plus. So relatively young so you will continue for the next 30 years. Next time you come up here you talk all right? After 30 years I remember when we say I come on live up. I’m not afraid anymore. I have no more fear because I got love. You replace all the fear with love. Understand or not? Whoever make you irritated, love them even deeper. You melt them through your power of your love. You throw them in your your lake of compassion. Let them drown there and they bliss out.

[00:15:36] Cheryl: I had a lot of takeaways speaking to Venerable Tenzin Drakpa and the main one is regarding how we hold the precepts as a practicing Buddhist and yet he was tasked to kill the terrorist. What shocked me about the way he holds his precepts is about looking at the bigger picture. What is the purpose? What is the objective? What from my conversation with him was that he was very brave. Whether it’s something difficult, whether it’s something unpleasant, he always had that let’s go, let’s go kind of attitude and that really reminds me to be brave whenever I have defilements that sometimes scare me, sometimes terrify me, such as loneliness, such as insecurities. And and I think I will be taking that from this conversation. So, what about you? What will you be taking away from this conversation? Let us know in the comments below and see you in the next episode. Bye-bye.


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How to Stop Fighting Hate but to Meet it with Love

How to Stop Fighting Hate but to Meet it with Love

TLDR: Hate does not disappear when we reject or suppress it. When we guard against hate without understanding it, it often reappears as judgment, righteousness, or fear. Through befriending ourselves and understanding suffering through the Four Noble Truths, hate can be transformed into wisdom and unconditional love.

The title must seem controversial. Why would anyone want to love anything that is unpleasant?

As Buddhists, we are told to guard our minds against the three roots of unwholesome qualities: greed, hatred, and delusion. It makes sense to guard against greed since greed causes us to become more insatiable. But guarding against hate might also increase hate.

You must be thinking: “WHAT?!”

First, let us explore what happens when we guard our minds against hate.

The Cost of Rejecting Hate

In guarding against hate, we may naturally repress or suppress this unpleasant quality inside our hearts. Just because we bury hate deep inside our hearts does not mean we are free from it. It is still very much present in us.

Instead of consciously working with hate, which is the real meaning of guarding, we may repress the feeling when it arises, thinking that it is bad and should be rejected. As a result, it may manifest in various ways. One of these is an increased feeling of righteousness, which we then use to judge others.

Being judgmental and divisive towards others whom we view as different, including those of other religions or different Buddhist sects, is still an expression of hate. It is fine to discuss points of difference, but to tell another that other doctrines are wrong, while preventing them from finding out on their own and doing so with indignation, requires an investigation of our hearts.

When Hate Is Truly Absent

How to Stop Fighting Hate but to Meet it with Love

I remember reading somewhere that says if we truly are free from unskilful emotions, we would no longer recognise them in ourselves or in others.

Sounds strange?

Well, not really. In the Dhammapada, the Buddha said, “Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love.”

In the second aspect of the Noble Eightfold Path, right thought, which encompasses the brahmavihāras, the four facets of unconditional or unbiased love, is presented as the antidote to hate. Hate can be replaced by love. Another way to see it is this: hate is also love, but distorted or one-sided. Hate really means we love something other than what we have now. But love’s true nature is all-encompassing, uniting, and not divisive.

How Hate Arises in Our Minds

There is a saying, “The grass is always greener on the other side.” It is true. When we experience illness, health looks better, and with loss, gain looks better. In whatever position we have in life, if we were to make comparisons, the other person, place, or circumstance always looks better.

I personally experienced this when I was gravely ill in my mid-thirties. I am grateful to have lived. But at the time, I wished I could be healthy in my youth like all those who came to see me in the hospital.

I wondered why I had to suffer while everyone in my age group was healthy and robust. But the pandemic, and the recent death of one of my friends, younger than I am, who had visited me in the hospital, made me realise how unpredictable everything is. So many have died, when I thought my life was more vulnerable than others’.

There is really no point in wishing or hoping to be other than what we have, because we do not really know anything. Wishing or hoping to be otherwise creates further stress, such as fear.

Fear as the Hidden Face of Hate

Fear is the root of envy, jealousy, anxiety, panic, and all stress. We fear, or hate, something, and wish for something else. “Fear is the main emotion that causes all suffering,” my online American dharma teacher said. He often asked us to share with one another how we could apply compassion to our fears.

When I first began Buddhist meditation seriously, I had pain in my legs within twenty minutes of sitting. But I came upon Lama Yeshe’s book on meditation. He said to send love to painful feelings in our legs during sitting meditation. I did what he said, and when I opened my eyes, I had sat for nearly an hour without pain.

I related this story to a friend who was marginally interested in sitting meditation. She asked, “How do you send love to the painful feelings in your legs?” It was intuitive to me then. It did not occur to me that it would be difficult, or that it would require thinking to send love to a painful part of the body. The pain was not so excruciating that love could not reach it.

Befriending Ourselves First

At that point in my life, I had sufficiently befriended myself. It is not possible to love ourselves, or to send love to painful feelings in our motionless legs during meditation, if we have not made friends with ourselves.

Being friends with ourselves means being at ease with ourselves. This is different from feeling confident because of the status, wealth, or position we have accumulated. I understood then, through the law of attraction, that whatever we think creates situations that can bring us pain and suffering or happiness.

Although I had that insight, I still did not have the deeper insight of the Four Noble Truths. Though others’ opinions about me did not bother me at all, including my station in life based on career, education, wealth, and power, I was unable to think positively when suffering struck, such as during an anxiety disorder.

How impossible it is to think positive thoughts when fear strikes.

Searching for the Truth Beneath Suffering

My life has been a long journey of discovering the truth within, through the suffering of illness, the lack of love and understanding from others, loss of loved ones, and anxiety disorders. Thus, it is impossible to unpack it all in one post.

But first, what is this truth that I am seeking? I wanted to know why suffering seems inevitable in life. What are we here for? To live with some happy moments, and then to die from pain and stress? Is that all there is to life?

In one of my posts, I expressed that through my search, I discovered that we all do have a spiritual life. It is not a belief, and it is not an opinion. The Buddha provided a vast number of discourses and ways to help us discover our inner selves, and not to merely live from this material outer self of what we call life. This inner life reveals our capacity to love unconditionally. It is free, and it is wise.

Unconditional love is love that already exists in us, without the need for any conditions to arise. This makes loving ourselves and others at the same time possible.

How to Learn to Love Ourselves

How to Stop Fighting Hate but to Meet it with Love

It can be hard to send love to ourselves if we have difficult relationships with our families, or if we never really felt loved or secure. How can we learn to love or be compassionate towards ourselves, especially if we grew up in families that were unloving or had high expectations?

To learn to do that is to cultivate wisdom, which is to understand suffering through The Four Noble Truths.

The Four Noble Truths look simple on the surface, but their profundity is immense, and thus they cannot be fully explored in one post. To summarise, the Four Noble Truths encourage us to see the first two truths in our experience: what causes us stress, such as not getting what we want, being separated from what we like, and being with what we dislike, and realising that this is due to our wanting to control our experience. Then, we experiment with abandoning control and experiencing well-being through acceptance and compassion towards our predicament.

This abandonment of control does not come with the snap of a finger, but from developing the mind through the Noble Eightfold Path, which is akin to psychological training to investigate one’s own mind.

Seeing Our Own Role in Suffering

It is only by looking at our suffering through the lens of the Four Noble Truths that we can truly see that we are the cause of our own unhappiness.

For instance, I long had communication problems with my late father. He did not know how to show concern and had expressed in numerous episodes that I was not his favourite child. For many years, I wished I had some parental love like others did. It was through sitting meditation one day that I looked at the suffering I held in my heart, the longing to be loved and understood by my father, the only living parent I had.

I realised it was this wanting, and not getting what I wanted, that had caused the anguish in my heart. This dissatisfaction was behind the actions I took, such as retorting in anger and doing certain things in the hope of gaining appreciation. I also saw that my father was suffering, and he did not know how to take care of his own suffering, thus allowing it to flow to me.

Understanding our suffering is the very first step towards wanting to make changes in our inner world, because we have finally seen the truth. Compassion, not blame, arises in our hearts for having caused our own selfish misery.

Since I saw how I caused myself suffering, I stopped hoping for something different and felt freed. I was able to communicate with more compassion towards my father, which was the result of having applied compassion to my pain. Our pains are all the same, the result of our own selfish wants that cause misery.

Opening the Door to the Inner Life

Having the breakthrough of seeing my suffering, and being kind to myself by no longer hoping for something other than what is, and by not having expectations of others, was not the end of this spiritual search. It was only the opening of a door.

As Saint Teresa of Avila shared, there are seven mansions and many doors to the interior castle, which is the spirit or consciousness. The innermost mansion is where the king, our heart, not the physical heart, sits. The further we can step into this inner castle, which she likened to a diamond or a crystal, the safer we are from the predators, which are discursive thoughts and negative feelings that bind our psyche to fabrications or illusions. The king does not receive anyone casually, thus we need to show our sincerity through devotion, meditation and the development of virtue.

The purpose of this life is truly to discover what we really are, beyond this limited material self that is prone to selfishness for survival’s sake.

Choosing Compassion in an Uncertain World

With anxieties and uncertainties increasing in an uncertain world shaped by climate change, vulnerable economies, and geopolitics, we may feel there is very little we can do to change our outer circumstances. We cannot even reverse old age, sickness, and death.

But we all have an inner life of boundless compassion that can offer peace to ourselves and to those around us. Instead of spending our time scrolling social media feeds, engaging endlessly in social activities, or being absorbed in work, there are opportunities now, between life and death, to step into this inner castle of our lives and to learn to live from love and wisdom, which is what our world badly needs.


Wise Steps:

1. Notice hate without rejecting it
When feelings of aversion, judgment, or irritation arise, pause and observe them rather than pushing them away. Guarding the mind means working with these emotions gently, not suppressing them.

2. Look for fear beneath hate
Explore what fear or longing may be present beneath feelings of hate or resistance. Ask what you are wishing to avoid, or what you are hoping would be different.

3. Practise sending kindness to discomfort
Whether emotional or physical, meet discomfort with kindness rather than aversion. Even a small gesture of goodwill towards pain can soften resistance and create space.

4. Cultivate friendship with yourself
Learn to be at ease with yourself beyond status, roles, or achievements. Befriending hate begins with befriending oneself, especially the parts that feel vulnerable or afraid.

5. Reflect on suffering through the Four Noble Truths
Use moments of stress and dissatisfaction to see how craving and control create suffering. From this understanding, compassion arises naturally, for yourself and for others.

Are you missing these mindfulness ingredients when dealing with fear?

Are you missing these mindfulness ingredients when dealing with fear?

TLDR: ‘McMindfulness’ is a term for describing commercial mindfulness divorced from its Buddhist roots. You are missing a key ingredient of mindfulness if you are using the practice as another tool to get rid of unpleasant feelings such as fear.

Mindfulness is the key word for stress reduction in today’s world, so much so it has been given the term “McMindfulness” where the practice has become commercialised and departed from its roots. In its ancient form, mindfulness is for overcoming fear and getting to know ourselves deeply, and not just a wellness tool.

There are different types of fear such as financial loss, losing reputation and our lives.

The last fear is something that drives most of us – the need to make a name for ourselves before we die, or seek comfort for a long life. However, all fears are existential.

What underlies most fear is the fear of being rejected. The fear of rejection by society can lead to survival problems (not being in a herd means we are more easily attacked, or have less assistance from others when we need help), threatening our existence. Unfortunately, we seldom contemplate such matters until a serious challenge in life forces us to look within.

What Drives Fear?

Fear is a strong human instinct and is a healthy natural state for survival.

However, in our society, corporations have created an unnatural psychological fear in our pursuit of profits.

For instance, we fear not looking beautiful, not having enough and not being healthy. Do you see how all these fears are driven by beauty, investing, and get-fit personal training advertisements we see everywhere?

Different mindfulness techniques for working with fear

One of the powerful techniques in mindfulness for overcoming fear is to befriend fear. Befriending fear is a wonderful technique for overcoming fear. When we treat someone as a friend, that person cannot antagonise us and it is the same way with negative feelings.

However, the technique of befriending fear may not be useful for all situations, especially if one’s mind has no clarity or concentration.

Learning to be with fear is another way to get to know it deeply by watching fear arise and subside on its own. This takes a strong mindfulness practice because most times we react to fear as opposed to just observing and being with it.

Another powerful method for working with fear is to accept the situation (things we cannot change). To accept is to run towards the fear instead of avoiding it.

It is by running towards it, as opposed to turning away from it, that the energy of fear is able to flow. 

Life itself is a constant flow. It is our resistance that causes stress, which blocks the energy flow of these different emotions in our bodies.

But isn’t mindfulness a technique to get rid of fear? This is the biggest misconception of mindfulness. 

Unlike going for a massage to relieve pain, mindfulness is not about getting rid of feelings we dislike. 

This misconception is significant because it highlights a fundamental misunderstanding of what mindfulness truly entails. Mindfulness isn’t a tool for erasing or suppressing uncomfortable emotions like fear. Instead, it encourages us to acknowledge and understand these emotions, fostering a healthier relationship with them. 

By embracing our feelings, including those we dislike, mindfulness empowers us to navigate life’s challenges with greater resilience and inner peace. It offers a path to coexist with our emotions, ultimately leading to personal growth and emotional well-being.

Overcoming fear by letting go of control

Since fear is a natural biological instinct, we can learn to trust that it is there to help us. However, since we humans are also a part of nature, we need not fear the feeling of fear when we are facing possible death of the self because death is natural. 

The key ingredient that is missing in secular mindfulness practice is confidence or faith.

This faith isn’t a blind belief but a trust in the process and the wisdom of the Buddha and those who developed these practices over centuries.

A lot of people reject negative emotions and use meditation as another tool to get rid of them.

For example, a practitioner who is feeling lonely may start to watch the breath so as to forget feeling lonely. However, this is just another form of distraction. True mindfulness encourages us to confront and understand our emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, rather than simply using it as a distraction tool.

Faith in the process can help practitioners stay committed to this transformative journey.)

Mindfulness is not meditation

Meditation is the deliberate act of training the mind to be collected and stable. When we place awareness on the breath in meditation, it can alleviate unpleasant feelings. However, the same unpleasant feeling may return when we come out of the meditation practice.

It is as if we have used a rock to cover the moss (unpleasant thing) instead of uprooting it. Once the rock is removed, the moss remains there.

Meditation is a support for mindfulness. Mindfulness is not a tool to distract ourselves from uncomfortable feelings. First, we learn to steady our minds with meditation. Then, we use this strength of the concentrated mind to observe and accompany unpleasant feelings. Why?

With mindfulness, we can become familiar with what comes after unpleasant feelings such as fear. Watching how the fear fades and the next emotion that arises strengthens our understanding of feelings and their nature to fluctuate. It cannot stay forever. Just like musical notes. Music is made of both high and low keys. 

When we learn over and over again to be with fear, we realise there is no need to push away fear as it arises and passes away.

We can also gain confidence through the practice that fear or any painful feeling is also followed by different emotions which can be relief.

I leave you with some techniques you can apply to managing fear.

What are some techniques i can apply?

Here are 3 techniques for overcoming fear:

  1. Befriend: When the feelings of fear arise, welcome the feeling by mentally noting “Hello my friend, there you are again.”
  2. Being with: Stay with the feelings of fear means to feel its sensations (knowing the body temperature has risen, there are more sensitive vibrations in the body) in the body and not reject them by wanting to feel something else.
  3. Run towards: When the fear comes, see it as an adrenalin rush, run towards it and tell yourself it is good to have more of this energy because you can use this excess energy to exercise or to dance your fears away.

Wise Steps:

  • When facing fear, stay present with the feeling in the body, don’t run – if you are a mindfulness practitioner.
  • Notice what comes at the end of fear when you stay present with it mindfully. Know the end of fear again and again, because the end of fear is the same gap between thoughts and all feelings.
  • Know the difference between meditation and mindfulness; find different ways we can incorporate them into day-to-day life.
Ep 26: Can fear & shame pave the way to enlightenment?

Ep 26: Can fear & shame pave the way to enlightenment?

About our guest

Low Mi Yen, a clinical psychologist and one of Malaysia’s foremost proponents of the application of psychology, mindfulness and self-compassion, for individual, couple, family, workplace and community, for more than 27 years. Pioneered Employee Assistance Program (EAP) in Malaysia since 1999, providing corporate training, coaching, crisis intervention, psychotherapy, psychological assessment, lecturing and supervision, mindfulness and self-compassion interventions in enhancing resilience.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Kai Xin:

Hi, welcome to another episode of the Handful Of Leaves podcast, where we bring you practical Buddhist wisdom for a happier life.

Is ignorance bliss?

You know, in the process of wanting to be a good person or being taught to be a good person, we learn how to identify right from wrong. And we are also reminded of moral conduct and standards and thus become increasingly cautious of our own actions, sometimes fearing the consequences or you’ll feel ashamed if we were to fall short.

So wouldn’t it actually be better if we remained ignorant? We’ll be happier, right? In this episode, we will talk about how the fear of wrongdoing and shame can actually lead us to peace. I know it sounds paradoxical, which is why we have our guest today Sister Miyen and also my co-host, Cheryl, to talk about this because we know fear and shame, they are very unpleasant feelings. So how is it possible that it can result in peace?

And is it really true that these mental qualities can pave the way to enlightenment?

A lot of big questions and this episode is going to be very educational. So without further ado, let’s dive right in.

Hi. Good to see you, sister Mi Yen. I’m joined with Cheryl to chat with you today.

[00:01:20] Sis Mi Yen:

Thanks for inviting me, Kai Xin and Cheryl, to join you in this wonderful series of podcasts with interesting topics to share with your listeners. So I’m actually very happy and excited to have the chat with you today.

[00:01:34] Kai Xin:

Yeah, definitely. Today’s subject is quite interesting because we’re gonna talk about fear and shame. And there is this term in the Buddhist scripture, which is Hirīottappa. We’re gonna unpack a lot of that to see where these two words fit into our life? Because I think in a religious context, we sometimes feel like, oh, I’m not a good enough Buddhist, I did something wrong. Then there’s the sense of shame and guilt, but it can get to a point where it’s not so beneficial and I personally in the past have a lot of misconceptions about it.

 Just for our listeners, a brief background about Sis Mi Yen, who’s on this podcast with us today. She’s a clinical psychologist who spent more than 27 years helping individuals, couples, families, to teach them how to be a better person, either in a form of leadership or in a form of managing crisis as well as emotion. She also does psychotherapy.

I do wanna start off this episode with our first question. You know, in our modern world, there are a lot of distractions and vices. I would say that a lot of people would agree that it’s quite challenging to be a good person, because sometimes, people shout at you, they do certain nasty things and the tendency is, oh, I wanna fight back, or I wanna hurt another person.

So how do we actually not be triggered by all these temptations or these responses and end up hurting others? How does Hirīottappa come into the picture, and this sense of fear and shame?

[00:03:03] Sis Mi Yen:

Like you said, we are not doing justice to our topic itself, especially these two very important mental qualities in our short podcast today. So I’ll try my best to unpack as much as I can. It is a difficult practice. Today I’m speaking more as a Buddhist practitioner rather than a professional psychologist. From the Buddhist perspective, I myself, personally, find that in our Buddhist teaching, Hirī and Ottappa, these are the twin mental qualities that are present in all of us. And these mental qualities, they are associated with skillful action. At times they’re referred to as the two superheroes that protect the world or the guardians of the world.

If you Google Hirī and Ottappa you’ll see all these words popping up. These are very important mental qualities. It actually helps us to make right choices in life. How do we act? How do we speak? How do we think? Hopefully, in a helpful, healthy, and skillful way for us to uphold ourself as a human being, especially our moral conduct and of course in Buddhist practice, the importance of keeping the precepts. So, these two mental qualities are huge. I’m not sure whether you would like me to delve into the definition because sometimes the definition itself can cause a lot of misunderstanding too.

[00:04:22] Kai Xin: I see Cheryl nodding her head. We would agree that it’s good to maybe just define what exactly is Hirī and what is Ottappa in short, and then we can slowly unpack and clear some of the wrong views or misconceptions.

[00:04:34] Sis Mi Yen:

Yes, Hirī refers to the inner conscience refraining us from doing deeds that would jeopardise our self-respect, honor and dignity as a human being. In a way it’s an inner ability to see unwholesomeness arising as shameful or wrong. This is where different terminology has been used to translate the Pali term Hirī. We have moral shame as one of the main one. But I think the English translation, moral shame is a bit tricky. I really like the ability to see unwholesomeness as shameful, our awareness of the value of human being.

Ottapa on the other hand, refers to a healthy fear of wrongdoings. I don’t want to do this unwholesome action because by doing this, I’m gonna bring harm to myself and others. That means the ability to actually reflect on consequences. As human beings, we do have responsibilities and awareness of our action, kamma and so forth. But a lot of the English words that describe ottapa, they use the word moral dread or moral fear.

I prefer to just use Hirī and Ottappa, having a clearer understanding of the actual definition. But again, it can cause a lot of misunderstanding from the English term itself.

[00:05:56] Cheryl:

Yeah, I think the words fear and shame are very intense words. It elicits a very negative reaction. In our day to day, you’re trying to avoid fear and shame. I really like how you rephrased it as the ability to see unwholesomeness as shameful. It really helps us to reflect on the actions and behaviors that are actually very dirty in nature, that’s why it’s shameful, rather than us having that shame that perhaps comes from wrong conditioning.

[00:06:21] Kai Xin:

I would like to share an example to illustrate Hirīottappa, you can correct me if I’m wrong. You mentioned that it’s something that we innately have, Hirī, a sense of shame or conscience. We know what exactly is wrong or right.

So, there was one day my mom when she was fetching my niece from preschool, she’s around four years old. She’s a little bit out of character. Very unusually quiet. And then my mom kind of noticed that something is amiss and then she found out that my niece has taken from the preschool, a Lego and then she put it in her arms. She kind of knows that she’s not supposed to do it, but she also doesn’t wanna tell. So there’s a little bit of like, okay, what if I get found out, you know? Like, will my mom scold her? Will her mother scold her? And what’s the consequences? Which kind of led her to also be not so vocal about what is wrong. She probably have taken it by accident and then only found out about it afterwards.

So I thought that’s particularly interesting because at such a young age she already knows that taking things that is not hers is not so right. So would that be an example of Hirī?

[00:07:31] Sis Mi Yen:

In a way. I think your niece has gone into another experience. The Pali word that I can recall is Kukkucca. It is actually the guilt and remorse happening. I think this is again, very, very natural. A lot of us have this frequent misunderstanding. We get Hirīottappa quite mixed up with Kukkucca, remorse. So actually Kukkucca is the feeling that arises after the bad action has been committed. So your niece has taken the Lego. It’s actually committed already, that’s why it is already Kukkucca.

Whereas, Hirī and Ottappa are actually the conflict in our mind and the feeling that arises before the bad action happens. So they are actually protective factors. Hopefully they are here to protect our minds from moral defilements or immoral action.

Thank you for bringing this example up. That’s why a lot of times in the classes on Hirīottappa, we have to discuss about Kukkucca. Cause it comes together in that sense.

[00:08:32] Kai Xin:

It’s kind of like the cartoon, you know, they have the angel and devil. So it is before to prevent us from even taking the Lego. But then after you have already committed, then that’s where the remorse comes in.

[00:08:46] Sis Mi Yen:

And the guilt comes in.

[00:08:48] Kai Xin:

That’s interesting. Could you give us some examples of real-life situation of Hirī and Ottappa?

[00:08:54] Sis Mi Yen:

Okay. Actually, all of us in a way, innately have Hirīottappa in us.

But it is still important for us to develop or practise it. For this, I actually want to bring us back to a very important reference from Ashin Buddhaghosa, a fifth-century Indian Theravāda Buddhist commentator, translator and philosopher. So, Ashin Buddhaghosa has actually highlighted eight factors that can help us to facilitate or cultivate Hirī and Ottappa. Hopefully we have these eight factors to guide us further.

First, remember we are a person of good birth. Birth is rare in our Buddhist practice. So remember that it is not worthy of a person with good birth to do unwholesome action. Remember our rare birth as a human being.

Number two. These unwholesome actions are not worthy of a mature person like me. Hopefully our maturity from our practice will also prompt us to recall that.

Third, these unwholesome actions are just unacceptable. I am a strong and courageous person. I have been practicing all our Buddhist practices, therefore I should not do this.

Fourth, these unwholesome actions are usually committed by those who are unwise. Hopefully, I have wisdom from all my Buddhist practices to guide me.

Fifth, I am a Buddhist practitioner. So I would reflect on our Buddhist doctrines, which always teach us on wholesomeness. Reflect on the dignity of the Buddha our teacher who has given us the Buddha Dhamma as the path, especially our Noble Eightfold Path. So let me keep to this. My Buddhist practice is my inheritance in this present life. So I would like to honor this for myself and also for the other people in my life because if I do something unwholesome, I’m going to hurt them.

So he described these eight beautiful factors that can help us to practice Hirī. If we can remember, just go back to the basics, the Four Noble Truth, the Noble Eightfold Path. You’ll be guided by what Ashin has actually mentioned.

He says there are another four factors. Clear understanding of the consequences will totally stop us from committing unwholesomeness. He says this, we will be afraid of doing something that we are gonna regret later, if we know this unwholesomeness is gonna be criticised, that we are gonna be punished in the present life or the future life. Very related to our core Buddhist practice. I always love contemplating and reminding myself of maintaining Hirī and Ottappa in myself. That’s how we can practice to cultivate Hirī and Ottappa. I know it’s a long explanation but we will share with our listeners all the important links.

[00:11:59] Kai Xin:

It’s good that you actually brought up the context or the different line of thoughts because then these are signposts on the kind of narrative that goes in our head. Then you recognize, oh, this is actually trying to guard my morality so that I would have no regret in the future.

In fact, I would share another anecdotal experience to kind of make this a little bit more relatable. I would say, especially the Dhamma practice, because we have the Five Precepts. So no killing, no stealing, no sexual misconduct, no lying and no intoxicant, right? The precepts itself has always been at the back of my head and has actually allowed me to avoid troubles or dangers, particularly when it comes to lying. This one is quite difficult, I would say, because white lie is also involved and sometimes you not saying anything, hiding the truth, if you’re strict about it, it’s also considered lying. Right? So that was actually a very interesting instance at work. I was in a moral dilemma. Our team has actually accidentally circulated a confidential piece of information from client A to client B, and this was by accident.

So the moment when we found out, it was a moral dilemma because if we don’t tell, then the client won’t know that we have made this mistake. But if we do tell, our client might feel that, hey, why don’t we kind of guard their confidential information safely. There might be trust that is lost.

But then there’s also the other side, which is what if we don’t tell? Eventually our client were to find out and we knew that we should have told. So there was kind of like a little bit of ding-dong and then I kind of couldn’t sleep as well. In the end, we made the difficult decision, which is to own up to our mistake because it is our responsibility. And I think the whole concern is about, okay, will we destroy the trust? But the very fact that we are hiding the truth, there’s no transparency, there’s no trust, right? So we have to bear our consequences.

Our client actually appreciated it. What we thought would be quite a big hoo-ha didn’t unfold in the manner that we expect, we expect our clients to actually scold us. So what happened was our client was very thankful and said, okay, it was by mistake, can you let us know who are the relevant parties? And also let me check with my team, who’s part of legals and comms to see what can be done. And then for us, of course our offer is okay, whatever corrective actions you want us to take, we will go ahead and take it. But it was such a big load off all of our chests because the very fact that we are not hiding anything to me it’s about keeping the precept of honesty as well as being truthful.

Also from a leadership standpoint, it does set some form of tone, right? Like how do you own up to your mistake and say that it’s okay, we make mistakes. Be responsible for our actions. There’s so much more respect from there rather than doing it otherwise.

[00:15:01] Sis Mi Yen:

Wow. I’m so proud, you know, of what has transpired between you, your team, and the other team. And this is the amazing part, you know? Cause we human beings actually have conscience. We have the ability to recognise mistakes and we know that if we do not resolve it, it’s gonna be sticky. And it’s very interesting that we can’t go against natural emotions.

In the psychology of emotions in Buddhism, there are four sets of basic challenging emotions that none of us can escape. The example that you give is guilt and shame. The four challenging emotions are anger and hatred, fear and anxiety, grief or sorrow, guilt or shame. It will arise. We cannot run away from it.

And of course, the more we are able to reflect and practice Hirīottappa, hopefully it will prevent occurrence of the four sets of challenging emotions and your example is right on the dot on that. Instead of anger or hatred from your client, you know, they actually have positive emotion. They were appreciative of your honesty. So you see we are always very stuck on the negativity. But we forgot that there’s always the other positive part of emotions and actions of course. I’m so happy to hear that the situation was actually resolved. I cannot imagine that stress that you guys were having due to that.

[00:16:32] Kai Xin:

It was quite stressful. Like, will we lose a client because of that, you know, our reputation will be tarnished. And everything turned out to be alright and I think it was for the better. I thought whatever you mentioned was so true. Fear and shame, connotation is usually very negative, very intense. Ajahn Jayasāro clarified to say it’s actually wise shame and wise fear, when you use it skillfully, it actually helps you to reduce the emotions that you talk about – anxiety, restlessness and helps us be more peaceful.

[00:17:01] Sis Mi Yen:

Yes, definitely. That’s why Hirī and Ottappa are called the two superheroes or the protectors of the world. We need this as a human being in our world. It’s so scary. There are a lot of bad deeds, evilness because of the lack of Hirī and Ottappa. If we didn’t have Hirī and Ottappa, to protect us, we have to then deal with Kukkucca. It’s when the bad action has been committed, but we need to deal with the guilt, the remorse, the shame.

[00:17:33] Cheryl:

I got a question that could be quite obvious. So what would be considered a good deed or a bad deed? So, for example, in Kai Xin’s case, it’s obvious, following the five percepts. That’s examples of maintaining morality, maintaining goodness but a lot of times, what we think is bad is not really bad. For example, premarital sex. Some people would think it’s very bad, but if you dive a little bit deeper, it’s because society said so, or your parents said so. So it’s very subjective to a certain extent. How do we know what is truly considered a good deed?

[00:18:06] Sis Mi Yen:

Ah, that’s very tricky. To me, not good deeds they’re any deeds that does not fall under our practice of Five Precepts. It’s actually very deep itself. So that will definitely always guide us to perform good deeds and to abstain from bad deeds. Another Buddhist practice will be the Noble Eightfold Path. To practice the Noble Eightfold Path itself is not easy. Having the Right View, Right Intention, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, Right Concentration, that is itself will take us many lives to practise.

Based on what you have actually mentioned, that example is very frequently asked by people. So is premarital sex a sexual misconduct breaking the third precept? So I would say that it all depends on the two persons involved in the act. The element that you touch on, the cultural aspect or the religious aspect is tricky. Some religious rules is no premarital sex. So then they will view that as very negative.

But I think our third precept to abstain from sexual misconduct, it has to do with these two individuals. Are they truly clear and respectful of each other when they are in that sexual relationship? Are they both willing?

It’s very tricky on the frame of mind of the two person. If there is clarity on both sides, then it is a mutual relationship. If one person is hesitant or not comfortable and so forth, then of course, that act itself is a misconduct.

Right or wrong, the mind always wants to judge, it’s so tricky. If we wanna go deeper into the perception that arises in us, in making that judgment itself, what are many more layers behind it that make us arrive at the right or the wrong. It’s much more worthwhile to go back to actually investigate the processes, rather looking at what is right or what is wrong. It’s so subjective. But of course, living in a society there are rules set by the country, the government, of course those are hard to challenge. But in terms of moral or social rules that becomes very tricky.

My suggestion is, if we are practicing Buddhism always have that mindfulness to bring us back to investigate the processes that’s happening internally. Learn from that processes itself. So, I’m not sure whether I’ve answered you, Cheryl.

[00:20:51] Cheryl:

You helped to remind us that it’s important to understand what’s really going on internally because you cannot lie to yourself to a certain extent.

[00:21:00] Kai Xin:

And I think it’s also important to understand the purpose behind even keeping the precepts or discerning what’s right and wrong. What I find beautiful about the Buddhist teaching is everything should lead us to peace. So if we have this mental restlessness and agitation by saying, oh, but it’s a gray area. Is it right? Is it wrong? Caught up with this endless debate, then it doesn’t actually help us free ourselves from suffering. There’s this term called sīlabbata-parāmāsa, clinging to rules and rituals, or even clinging on to our views. And it’s a very subtle part of practice because sometimes we like to follow rules, especially a very Asian context, right? Like, oh, this means this, B means B, C means C, but the world isn’t so black and white.

 I think precepts is meant for us to find that peace and also live harmoniously with the society around us. Which is why in the discourses, a lot of times actually the Buddha did mention to abide by the law of the nation to not cause a disruption. As practitioners, our own responsibility is to also say, okay, if I were to do this, yes, it’s a little bit gray. Once I do this deed will I then have regret? For me, I found that to be very helpful. If it doesn’t bring peace, then perhaps I won’t venture into that path.

[00:22:19] Sis Mi Yen:

Somehow, there is this extreme category where some people have that deep, ignorance about the world, about being human. They will not be able to even have the realization, the reflection or the awareness of wholesomeness and unwholesomeness in the first place. That will be the very hard evil, really hardcore bad deeds and so forth, but to me, that’s a very small percentage.

But the bottom line is, the higher percentage of all of us have this basic ability to know what is wholesome and what is unwholesome. A lot of times because we are challenged by our greed, we want “Nevermind lah”. So I think it’s a lot more on that. In our Buddhist practice, we really understanding our greed, hatred and delusion is always with us. How do we deal with that?

For me, the Noble Eightfold Path has really unfolded for us the answer. The cultivation of the mind, the mental development, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, Right Concentration. This is the hardest part for a lot of Buddhist, the meditative practice and effort. It’s only with that do we actually train our mind, every moment so that hopefully we do have this calmness, clarity in us that we can carry to face the world with a lot of vices and evilness and so forth, we can’t avoid that.

But hopefully with this cultivation, no matter how ugly it is out there, hopefully we can maintain that inner freedom and peace, which to me is the main Buddhist teaching or Buddhist practice. If you don’t practice Right Effort, Right Concentration, Right Mindfulness, you are not able to cultivate Hirīottappa. No way.

[00:24:10] Cheryl:

I think Hirī and Ottappa also helps to protect our long-term happiness. For example, the Fifth Precept to not intoxicate, but sometimes life is very hard. You just want to numb yourself by intoxicating.

[00:24:22] Sis Mi Yen:

The temptation, fighting greed, is very challenging for all of us in this materialistic world. Right?

[00:24:29] Kai Xin:

Yeah, I do see how mindfulness and concentration especially, can help us to have that clarity of mind to even tap into our own inner wisdom because we have many things happening around us. It’s very easy to be swayed. Like if we hang out with the wrong company, then we would think that it’s okay to indulge, but it doesn’t necessarily lead to our long-term welfare. Yeah, so also very important to hang out with wise friends in order to kind of help us stay on the path, to recalibrate. And most importantly, we have to be truthful to ourselves.

[00:25:01] Sis Mi Yen:

Since today we’re talking about Hirīottappa, I would like to highlight that a lot of our Buddhist core teachings are all interconnected. But Hirī and Ottappa, it is placed under the Treasure Dhana Sutta. It’s two out of the seven Noble Treasures. So maybe let me just share with the listener what are the Seven Noble Treasures? We will give the link to the audience.

 So the first category is actually moral training. Under the moral training there are four treasures, four practices, the treasure of faith, Saddhā. Start with Saddhā, our faith towards Dhamma. Second one is the treasure of moral virtue, followed by the treasure of Hirī, moral shame and the treasure of Ottappa, moral fear. So these four are grouped under moral training.

And with this, comes in the next category, the meditation training. Here they have two treasures for us to practice. The treasure of learning, and I think it’s very deep. The next one is the treasure of charity or generosity. It’s very interesting that this sutta they place it under meditation training.

The last one, number seven is actually the wisdom training and this is the treasure of wisdom, paññā.

See how important is Hirī and Ottappa. It’s within these seven that Budha has actually taught all of us. Hold these as treasures in your life as human being. It’s very, very near, interconnected back to our Noble Eightfold Path.

So it’s all interconnected. The moral training is gonna be connected to our wisdom training. And it’s gonna be connected to our Samādhi training, the mental cultivation training. The Eightfold Path is also three categories. It’s similar with the seven treasures.

But the one I really like is the first treasure, saddhā, faith. We should ask ourselves, you know, how deep is our faith towards the Buddha Dhamma, so how deeply or strongly, we understand the Four Noble Truths, the Three Defilements, the Noble Eightfold Path and of course the Mahā Satipaṭṭhāna Sutta, the mental cultivation, the meditative practice. All these core itself takes many lives to practice. But go back to that again and again. I think this is so complementary how they positioned the Hirī and Ottappa, very systematic.

Our Buddha, our Buddhist suttas are very systematic. It’s very interesting how they categorize it. But if you actually are able to look at the matching of the categories then you find that the practice are actually very flowing. Like these seven treasures, to me, it’s so flowing like the Noble Eightfold Path.

[00:27:53] Kai Xin:

Thank you for sharing. I have a curious question. You mentioned learning and charity is under the meditation training. Can you elaborate more on that?

[00:28:03] Sis Mi Yen:

Okay. Disclaimer, I may not understand the Treasure Dhana Sutta well. So please the listeners forgive me if I’m not clear or misquoting, but based on my reading and my understanding why the treasure of learning and the treasure of charity is under meditation training.

I think learning is very clear because in meditation training the learning of the mind system especially, if you do not have this ability, passion, to actually want to learn, then meditation training will become very difficult. So the attitude in learning is very important for meditation training.

 Charity is very interesting. If we actually hold this treasure of charity in our life, which means that we are a generous person, a giving person, and also know how to receive at the same time, we are a very balanced person. This balance is also very important in our meditation practice.

If we always have that greed and all that stinginess and that holding back, which is the direct opposite of the treasure of charity, you can imagine the state of your mind, very constricted. Right? Versus the generosity, that openness in your practice, which is definitely very important for the meditation training, the quality of the mind. So the practice of generosity itself, you know, it’s just not like, donate, donate, donate. It’s a very meaningful and detailed process of what’s going through your mind, right? That readiness, that openness, that happiness in giving. Sometimes we give, but it comes with, “Aiya, I should have given so much…”. When you go into the processes, corrupted already right?

[00:29:53] Kai Xin:

Haven’t really let go and renounced. Actually, speaking of meditation, just wanna circle back and tie it to Hirīottappa.

I do know some people might say, Hey, you know, I don’t wanna get too deep into this Dhamma practice, because then it kind of makes me feel very uptight. Like in the past, you know, ignorance is bliss, right? I don’t know all these Five Precepts. I don’t meditate. You know, I can still enjoy life in a different way and fleeting happiness, that’s just part of life.

So they kind of restrict themselves from entering the Dhamma practice in a too deep manner. What are your thoughts on that? Do you feel like there’s a need to recalibrate the view in order to serve them while they’re still practising without, I don’t know, compromising their happiness?

[00:30:36] Sis Mi Yen:

That’s a very tough question, Kai Xin. I think I’m gonna approach it this way. If the individual truly is happy, peaceful, blissful with whatever they are practicing or living with. It is fine. But if it’s ignorant bliss or more of a denial kind of situation, No lah, I don’t want to practise Five Precepts, you know, it’s very restricting and things like that. If it is more towards that, they will help to deal with a lot of those challenging emotions that is gonna arise. A lot of times, people have to discover the hard way.

After they encounter the difficulties, then only they will actually appreciate, you know, what Buddha has taught us. If as we are sharing or talking, some people say, “Aiya, all these are not gonna be helpful for me”, my approach is always, yeah, it’s okay. As long as you are actually doing fine, you’re okay. But then, when they encounter challenges, if they come to us, that’s when, hopefully we have the skillfulness, to impart our Buddhist practices or teaching to them subtly. You know, that’s where we are not gonna talk about Hirī and Ottappa because I think it’s already Kukkucca a lot of times.

But we gonna help them to look at their emotion of guilt, remorse, shame. What are you gonna do with it? What can you do with it? And whether our Buddhist practices then can help them to deal with it. So that’s an easy way to convince them to practice. Yeah, nobody’s going to go for meditation retreat if they’re doing fine, I tell you.

But really, you know, people who really encounter problems and then they meet people that can share with them the Dhamma in the right condition, right timing, then they will hopefully attempt and appreciate it.

And there are also people who goes into all our Buddhist practices, but they will still have a lot of hindrances. In meditation practice, the five hindrances itself is great. You can imagine it is a lifelong learning to even face all these hindrances.

So I would say that if people are in denial, we continue to be a good person, a good friend or a good colleague, to be there to support them when they need it. That’s where our generosity in helping will be helpful at that point.

[00:33:02] Kai Xin:

Thanks for that. I think that’s very wise and it also allows people to navigate based on their own capacity and we don’t become like a precept or a Dhamma police cause it can then be another situation where we feel that we are more superior and people are more inferior and they should do things a certain way, which is not helpful for our practice as well. So there’s a lot of inner search and inner calibration that we have to do. This very nicely wraps up our session, in a nice tone.

So today we have talked about quite a lot of things. Starting with what exactly is Hirīottappa and how it’s commonly misunderstood as Kukkucca. So the first one is having wise fear and shame before we commit a wrong deed. So that’s gonna protect us from even going down the wrong path or a path that we might end up feeling guilt and feeling remorseful, which is Kukkucca.

And then you also shared about the importance of keeping precepts and really there’s no real right and wrong. We have to understand our thought processes. It’s really about the interaction between people, right? When we have the precept, whether it’s between you and your partner, or you and society.

[00:34:08] Sis Mi Yen:

You and yourself.

[00:34:10] Kai Xin:

Yes, definitely. So it’s all intertwined and we ultimately have to see how peaceful we are when we are embodying all these qualities or trying to be an upright person. Also, you talked about the noble treasures, moral training meditation training, as well as wisdom training. We’re gonna put resources in the show notes for our listeners who want to find out more about each of these treasures.

Yeah, I think at the end of the day it’s about being truthful and honest. Innately, we already know what is beneficial. We just need that mental clarity and stillness to tap into our inner wisdom, sometimes, be the support to our friends around us without forcing, and sometimes also lean on others to guide us on the right path. So, thank you very much, Sister Mi Yen.

 Any last advice for our listeners before we say goodbye?

[00:35:02] Sis Mi Yen:

I would say maybe start with the treasure of faith and really maintain the treasure of learning, if I would pick two out of the seven. I’d like to thank Kai Xin and Cheryl for inviting me to share this difficult topic.

I hope we are able to shed some light through all our definition and dialogue and so forth. Nevertheless, I wish everyone a fruitful path in our cultivation. I’d definitely place mental cultivation, meditation, as the path that hopefully all of us will continue to stay on. So naturally, thank you to both of you for having this session with me. And we’d like to thank all the listeners. Especially when they click on our podcasts and listen to us. We thank them for spending time with us.

[00:35:56] Kai Xin:

Thank you so much.

[00:35:57] Cheryl:

Thank you Sis. Mi Yen.

[00:35:58] Kai Xin:

Thanks for tuning in till the end. That’s a very insightful sharing. And if you’ll like to look at some more resources about the topic, you can go to our transcript or the show notes. We have placed some links there. And ultimately, if you’ve benefited from this podcast, it would really help us if you can give us a five-star review and share it with a friend.

And till the next episode, may you stay happy and wise.

Resources:

Discourses on the topic of Hiri & Otappa:
Kaṇha Sutta, AN 2.7
Sukka Sutta, AN 2.8
Cariya Sutta, AN 2.9

Hiri & Ottappa – The Guardians of the World are two of the seven Noble Treasures –
Treasure Dhana Sutta (AN 7:5, AN 7:6)

Quick learning on Hiri & Otappa:

Step-by-step learning
https://www.fourthmessenger.org/dhamma-studies-1/unit-1/lesson-1-2-hiri-ottappa/

KUKKUCCHA:

Remorse & guilt = feelings that arise after bad action is committed
Kukkucca often discussed together with uddhacca (restlessness), both uddhacca-kukkucca is
the 4th of the 5 hindrances in our meditation practice. Refer to the full text of “The Five
Mental Hindrances and Their Conquest” by Nyanaponika Thera
https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/nyanaponika/wheel026.html

Special thanks to our sponsors of the podcast

Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña.

Editor and transcriber of this episode: Tee Ke Hui

Ep 12: Dealing with difficult emotions (Ft Sis Ratna Juita)

Ep 12: Dealing with difficult emotions (Ft Sis Ratna Juita)

Kai Xin  00:03

Hey friends, this is Kai Xin, and you’re listening to the Handful of Leaves podcast where we bring you practical Buddhist wisdom for a happier life.   If you’re going through a rough patch, this episode is for you because we’ll be unpacking lots of practical tips to deal with difficult emotions in our lives.   Unless we’re saints, whenever we meet with life challenges, negative emotions will inevitably rise to the occasion. Fear, anxiety, sadness, and worry. These are the usual suspects. In fact, these emotions creep into our everyday life in one way or another, and oftentimes make us feel terrible. If you’re like me, you would rather feel positive rather than negative, or you would rather feel happy rather than sad. As a result, we end up running away from these emotions unconsciously or subconsciously and miss the vital lessons they have to teach us.

Kai Xin  01:10

In this episode, we have our special guest, Ratna to share with us how to anchor our life with positivity while mindfully embracing negativity. Ratna is a living example of how best to use one’s vulnerability as a strength. Her personal journey is inspiring. She migrated to Singapore at a young age. She wasn’t proficient in English, and struggled with low self-esteemed. Then, during a public speaking engagement, she blanked out and froze. That’s pretty traumatic and totally crushed her confidence. But she picked herself up. And today, she is an esteemed coach in mindfulness and public speaking, and has even become a TEDx Speaker! Ratna is truly an inspiration and I’m thankful to have witnessed her rise in popularity and success over the last decade. Want to know how she did it? Tune in to the full episode. Right now, she is truly an inspiration. And I’m so thankful to have witnessed her rise in popularity and success over the last decade. Want to know how she did it? Tune in to the full episode as she shares how to use positivity as a superpower, and how to leverage negative emotions for growth. Finally, the ABC guide to dealing with difficult emotions. Now, let’s jump right in.

Cheryl  02:32

To kick things off, Ratna, what is your superpower?

Ratna  02:36

My superpower is positivity. I strive to have optimistic outlook in life. As much as possible, for my friends and family I try to offer them genuine encouragements and also at the same time making people feel a bit better about themselves. So I think that’s one of the superpower that I have.

Cheryl  03:02

And why do you consider positivity a superpower?

Ratna  03:06

In a world where we have so many negativities we face so many challenges in our life, I think it’s so important to have these qualities of positivity. Not ignoring the negative part of our emotions, but really having the positive thoughts and emotions as an anchor in our life that whenever there are any challenges any thing that we face in our life that may not be favourable, we can always use this qualities to be able to help us navigate challenges and changes in our life.

Kai Xin  03:45

Currently, you’re a mindfulness and wellbeing coach, and I think people can really benefit from your positivity. Can you share a little bit about some recent challenges that you face? And what are some of the steps you took to overcome them?

Ratna  03:59

In fact, for the past few months, navigating the uncertainty of solopreneurship (was challenging). It was just like a lot of things that were going through my mind, from ‘what if’ scenarios where certain things may not go according to my plan, and to like the feelings of fear of choosing the wrong path. Having different expectations from my parents to some family members and facing financial instability as I navigate this solopreneurship myself, it was quite a lot of things happening at the same time. It was kind of overwhelming for me. There were lots of uncomfortable emotionsthat I experienced, from feeling confusion, anxiety, as well as fear. I just felt like “I’m not sure if this is something that I really wanted to do.” At the same time also, there were a lot of things that were not within my control. So it was quite tough to actually go through that period for the past few months There was a time that I couldn’t hold it anymore, so I cried. And I should say it was a good way of releasing my emotions and the tension that is being stored in my body.

Ratna  05:27

For me, I took some time to actually unpack my emotions, and process them sharing this with the people that I trust, they are my mentors, as well as my trusted advisors who have my best interests at heart. So by sharing it with them, and listening to what they have to offer, from their own perspective also helps me to open up a different perspective about things in different ways as well. But at the end of the day, I have to make a decision for myself, and what really helps me a lot was the practice of mindfulness meditation practice, to actually come down my emotions, my thoughts, and it helps me to also quieten down the noise and silencing that inner critic to also bring my attention back to the present moment to really focus on what really matters the most. One more thing that really helps a lot is the journaling practice. So every day, I took some time to basically just journal my thoughts and my feelings kind of like just put my thoughts and feelings on paper, and not to overthink too much. So that really helps a lot in navigating all those uncertain moments that has been happening for the past few months.

Kai Xin  06:51

Wow, thanks for sharing this very vulnerable journey, it’s definitely not easy being a solopreneur. And I hear you mentioned a few things that are helpful, of course, your superpower came in very handy. And then beyond that, it’s also not suppressing it too much. Because to a point when you’re holding back, then you have to release. And after releasing your consult others, and you also notice your inner critic, then you take time to reflect. I’m just trying to expand on this inner critic part a little bit, because I think some people can find it challenging to balance, sometimes we can be overly positive, we call it toxic positivity, where we misjudge the reality, and everything feels like rainbows and sunshine, when actually it’s not. On the other hand, we are overly critical to a point where it’s not constructive. So to you based on your experience, how do you know when to release your emotions and when to hold it back and just be positive?

Ratna  07:48

I think for me, I kind of took quite a bit of guidance from my body. So whenever I feel a certain emotion, will come back to my body and really feel ways this emotion resides in my in my body. By having that, it helps me a lot to release a lot of tension, especially the negative emotions that is being stored in my body. Gounding exercises, such as, the breathing and all that helps me to recalibrate myself to the baseline, in a way not to spiral down into a much one negative emotion. And knowing that whatever I’m experiencing right now might not be really real, like what we thought it is, because our feelings and emotions are sometimes are just guidance or compass to what we are experiencing right now, but still have the power to choose whatever we wanted to experience in our life or whatever we wanted to create, to have a different kind of outcome in whatever situations that we experience as well.

Cheryl  08:56

I really appreciate the fact that you say that our body is a guidance to our emotions, and at the same time you say acknowledge that we have the power to be able to decide how we want to deal with these emotions. And it’s so true, right? Our body holds all our emotions. If we feel stress, we feel it in the stomach area that we feel angry, it’s in the chest area. And once you’re able to learn how to kind of, I think be comfortable or accept the sensation to able to move on. I was wondering if you would be able to maybe share what exercise helped you to be in tune with your body in a way and respond appropriately after that?

Ratna  09:36

I do quite a bit of grounding and breathing practice. For example, if I wanted to relive whatever events that is happening not according to what I expect it to be, and then you will kind of like probably come up with all sorts of emotions that might not be really pleasant. Because of that, then I will ask myself,  “Where is this emotions residing in my body?” Sometimes it can be around my shoulders area or my chest area, and I can also feel a tingling sensation in certain parts of my body. When I felt that way, I will take a deep breathing, and then I’ll just release my breathing into the areas where I feel the most tension in my body to help to ease the tension. And one more practice that I also use is to use humming. Basically, I take a deep breath, and as I breathe out, I will hum into that part of my body that feels that tingling sensations or elevated emotions. And other practice that I do is walking in nature. So as I walk it, it really helps me to feeling much more grounded, you know, connecting to the nature, and all that. So it really helps to, in a way, bring that more positive emotions as well.

Kai Xin  11:06

I’m quite curious, what if you do all that, but you still feel very tense?

Ratna  11:09

I think another practice could be sharing it with others as well, like, you know, sometimes by by just sharing it with others. It’s to process our feelings and thoughts, and then having a sounding board helps you to probably give some kind of suggestions or good advice helps to, in a way shift our emotions or feelings into a more empowering one. One of the thing that I also felt was really important is to have self acceptance, because a lot of times when we feel unpleasant emotions, we want to resist it, because we just don’t want to feel it. But the more we resist it, it keeps persisting. What I find it useful is to really acknowledge that, hey, I’m feeling a certain way, I’m feeling anxious, I’m feeling this way, you know. And to label the emotions and observe it as the third party. So not saying that, “Oh, I, I’m angry,” or “I’m, you know, I’m feeling fear, but to distance ourselves with the emotions itself, and looking at it as a third party. I can say, like, you know, I’m experiencing this anxiety in my body, I’m experiencing whatever feelings in my body.  By doing that, it kind of like helped us to detach from the emotions and feelings itself.

Kai Xin  12:46

And I think it also goes to show that it’s not always the solution to run away, because I mean, based on experience as well, if I feel very tense, I feel frustrated, I want to meditate it away. And then if I don’t feel that I have become more at ease, I get even more frustrated. So I think it’s kind of a combination of the feelings are signs to tell us that we need to act on it, and it’s also a clue, it’s serving a purpose in telling us what exactly is the underlying cause that I’m feeling frustrated. One thing I also found really interesting from one of the retreats is, oftentimes we get too caught up with the intense sensation. But we can, let’s say in our body, right, we can draw a line and say, “Where does the tense sensation stop?” So if I feel very tight on my shoulder, then I can draw a very tight, they’re getting less and less tight, and probably my fingers are relaxed. And it just opens up possibility that the whole situation isn’t all that bad. There is still some goodness within sight. Personally, I found that to be very helpful.

Ratna  13:53

Yeah, exactly. I do agree with that as well. I always find the self awareness will set us free, you know, when we are being aware of like, hey, this emotions, what is this emotion trying to tell me? It also gives us a clue into what we are feeling what we are feeling right now.

Cheryl  14:11

Just going back to what you shared just now. I think there were two points that caught my attention. I think the first was share with a trusted friend, how you feel and to kind of have a sounding board. I think that is very interesting, because for myself, at least, I tend to close up or isolate if I feel like I’m in a bad space. And the last thing I want to do is, is to show like the super ugly side to my friends. That’s why the second thing that you mentioned about you know, distancing yourself from the emotion and depersonalising it is so powerful because it then takes away some of the shame, or the power of guilt that I’m feeling to just say, “Okay, this is just an experience that I’m having. That is not the whole of me and it’s just a part like, you know, the what Kaixin mentioned as well, it ends. Certain sensations end at a certain part of your body. So I would like to ask how can we make it easier for us to open up and have that courage to reach out to our friends for support when we’re in a very tough space?

Ratna  15:15

For me, instead of keeping it to myself and feeling helpless, not being able to find solutions to the challenges that I face, I might rather reach out to people, especially not to everyone that you probably don’t trust, because you want to ensure that it is a safe space for both of us to really share whatever problems that we have. I think it’s also very important to really choose whoever, people that you wanted to share. And knowing that, you know, they also have our best interests at heart and knowing that they wanted to help us to be in a better space as well.

Kai Xin  16:03

It reminds me of a book called chatter. It’s by this author called Ethan Cross. So you know, we all have those narrative and voice in our head. And in one of the chapters he actually mentioned, it’s so crucial to pick the right friends, because there are some friends, when you confide in them, they will reinforce that negativity. So let’s say if I complain that  my boss really is terrible, or my situation is terrible. They’ll say yeah, your situation is terrible. You should blah, blah, blah, blah. And it just makes you feel worse. But I think a good friend is someone who knows when to listen, when to ask the right questions, so that you use that as a way to clear your thoughts or when to just be a sounding board. And yeah, I think it’s really important to reach out.

Ratna  16:48

Yeah, as what Brene Brown said, right, and vulnerability is not weakness, it is actually strength. Because the more we actually share, whatever we experience, with courage,, it actually helps to open up a certain part of us, that helps to heal as well. Take, for example, I’ve always shared one of my biggest challenges in my life, which is  my fear of public speaking. When I was young, I was afraid to really share that, but as I get older, and I also have to overcome this traumatic experience I have, I need to slowly open up myself. So, I kind of like started to share my own personal story with a small group of friends. And then of course, I also seek for help, with the practice of mindfulness in managing my speaking anxiety. When I do that, it actually helps me to open up my own personal scars. It’s not comfortable sharing that, but as I open up myself, and when people actually resonate with my own personal stories or struggles, it helps me to heal from within as well, because it’s not that  I’m asking for validation, but it helps me to connect with others.  I’m sharing this because I’m just a normal human being, you know, who wants to be happy, who wants to be free from suffering. By sharing this personal experience, it helps me to open up myself and heal at the same time. So that really helps a lot for me.

Kai Xin  18:36

I’m wondering where you are now, in your journey of healing.

Ratna  18:40

I think the journey of healing is a never ending journey. It’s always a continuous journey and progress. I will really credit my own personal journey of healing through the practice of mindfulness that has really bring so much courage for me to be able to really face that fear. That is really, quite big to face. Because when I faced that during my teenager days, it was so big to the extent that it literally crushed my self confidence. Yeah. So because of that, I was also looking out for ways to help me rebuild that confidence back and  to really face and embrace that fear because it’s something that is so uncomfortable for me.

The practice of mindfulness has helped me a lot in that healing process. So I always call this ABC of mindfulness. The first one is awareness. The awareness part of it is that it helps me to just be aware of the things that I’m afraid of. Knowing that hey, if I keep doing the same thing, keep feeling the fear I’ll end up not being able to really move forward. So, the awareness part really helps me to,  opens up that willingness to be able to take the small steps to be able to change my life. In order for me to be able to improve my life for a better, I need to make a change so it helps to open up that self awareness part and take that small little steps to be able to face my fear. Because of that, I started to join a Toastmasters community to be able to help me overcome my fear. And eventually, it slowly built up my confidence as well. 

The B part is our balance. It’s really finding the balance between embracing the feelings and emotions itself, not resisting it, but at the same time to also knowing how to take action, despite feeling a certain way. In the early days of my healing journey, the first part of it is to really accept that, “Hey, I feel a certain way because of that past, traumatic experience I had in the past, I’m feeling this way. I know it’s not comfortable, and I wanted to, you know, take the steps to help me improve myself and become a better speaker.” And because of that, and when I came into the acceptance part of it, I slowly move into,  taking some steps to actually also help me to to do better. So I do a practice called incantation. So basically incantation is like, you know, reciting an empowering mantras or empowering sentence or whatever it is to help me feel better. For example, “yes, I can!” That also helps me a lot. So I did that quite often during my run in the mornings. As I run, I keep repeating the incantation part of it, that really helps a lot. Yeah, so that’s the second part of it.

And then the third part is curiosity and compassion. So, you know, whenever I felt fear or whatever emotions that I’m feeling that might not be comfortable, it’s always an invitation to kind of like also ask deeper what are these emotions or feelings are trying to tell me. Are there underlying emotions that we are trying to solve right. So, I think that asking, having that curiosity, approaching that emotions with that curious mind also helps to opens up and helping us to be a bit more comfortable with the emotions itself. The last but not least, which is the compassion part is also because a lot of times when we feel when we have friends who is like feeling a bit down, we will have a tendency to kind of like you know, console them and all that. The compassion part of it is also the compassion that we have towards the feelings and emotions that we are experiencing as well. Treating them as a kind friend, you know, like knowing that “hey, I know that these feelings or emotions exist because there is a certain kind of needs needs to be met, right?” So really being a kind friend and having that compassion to really self soothe myself whenever that feelings and emotions appear.

Ratna  18:51

I really love how you share you know, the process of ABC in terms of transforming and healing yourself. But, you know, let’s dig a little bit deeper into facing the demons. Right and going back to the traumatic experiences, where, you know, the inner critic was the winner. So what what are some of the things that you were saying to yourself and how did that in a way suffocate you?

Ratna  24:15

Whenever I felt negative emotions or even that self talk, I’m not good enough. I’m stupid, or or I’m probably not as good as someone else. It makes me feel guilty makes me feel shameful, it makes me not taking action. So whenever I felt that way, right, they always felt disempowered. So I couldn’t, you know, do anything because of that kind of like negative self critics and it was definitely not helping me a lot to improve myself as well.

Kai Xin  24:55

It is like going back to asking how do we find that balance? So if the inner critic is our friend, we use it to get better and improve. But the moment when the inner critic put us down, and we start falling apart and we don’t perform well, we can’t function, then that’s where we have to put a stop to say, hey, what exactly am I doing right here? And I think at the end of the day, whatever anxiety, fear that we are feeling, it’s all trying to protect us in some sense. So it’s having that mindfulness and reminding us over and over again, what is it trying to tell me? How can I make it useful? With regards to Cheryl’s question on how the inner critic has kindled your potential? Now with mindfulness, how did your narrative change?

Ratna  25:45

I think probably in the past, when I experienced failure,  I noticed there is like, inner critics that is popping up and all that, it kind of like made me feel, oh it I’m not good enough to do something about it, right. And so it makes me feel afraid of making mistakes and made me small. Yeah. So with mindfulness, it really helps to change the narratives like, “Hey, this is probably something that I’m experiencing currently in my life. But what is this event or situation trying to teach me? What’s great about this? It’s really taking that opportunities to also finding the goodness in whatever I’m experiencing the failures that I’m experiencing right now.

Cheryl  26:35

I think the cool thing that I am taking away here is that the inner critic is not necessarily an enemy, and learning how to befriend it can help you to go towards your goal be it self improvement, or growth in a more skillful manner, right in a way that actually helped propels your journey rather than, you know, just throwing stones at yourself and making your journey a little bit harder. And I think a lot of times, you know, when people approach this topic of inner critic as well, it’s always on the, on the kind of topic of like, an inner critic is negative. Let’s just do away with it, just push it away. But I think there’s value in seeing what is it really trying to inform us and and how can we tap into curiosity, as you’ve mentioned, many times and really get the good value there.

Kai Xin  27:21

Yeah, and I think it does require a lot of self love, not in a sense that, you know, everyone is bad, and then we should just love ourselves and not improve, everything is okay. But I think self love to know when to be kinder, and then when to be tough. And I’m wondering, how do you offer yourself some compassion? Is there any advice you can give to our listeners to do the same for themselves?

Ratna  27:48

We are our own biggest critics, right. And sometimes, you know, we probably beat ourself without realising it. And I think, instead of comparing ourselves with others, it’s also having every comparison in terms of like, our own personal journey, and how much we have grown. It helps us to looking at our own personal journey as like a journey of growth, instead of I am not better, I am not as good as compared to the other person. Yeah. So I think that also helps a lot to give ourselves more loves and self compassion towards our own personal journey to be a better person.

Ratna  28:29

 At the same time, self Compassion is like a continuous journey as well, for me is also to understand ourself a lot more  better, by also understanding our own personal boundary. What are the things that makes us happy? What are the things that probably doesn’t serve us well, and having the courage to also say no, to the things that don’t serve us? Well, another tip will be taking ourselves less seriously. Because sometimes we take ourselves too seriously,  we probably get offended if someone says certain things or have things not meeting our expectations. So I think learning to really take ourselves less seriously and just having fun really helps a lot to also cultivate a self compassion.

Cheryl  29:20

If there’s one question that our listeners can use to reflect on a daily basis, what would that be?

Ratna  29:29

 Some of the questions that I use on my daily journaling will be what are two things that I’m grateful for today? The second one is “What are the things that I wanted to let go of today?” That practice really helps me a lot to let go of whatever things that doesn’t serve me because a lot of times, we always think the letting go part is like such a big thing. But I think is that in the daily practice of letting go really helps us to ease a lot of tension as well. And the third one is “what are the things I’m proud of?” It helps us to also remind our own personal growth and milestones every single day. A lot of times we forget to really remind ourselves about what are the things that we have accomplished.  Last but not least, is the fourth question that I always ask myself is, what are the things that I wanted to focus on today? So, that really helps me a lot to really focus on what truly matters today. Those are the four questions that I always ask myself every day during my daily journaling.

Kai Xin  30:34

Thank you so much. I thought those are really helpful. And to wrap up, I think we can talk about some of the common themes that we have been discussing, I think it comes back full circle to really identifying what serves us and what doesn’t serve us, whether it’s the voice in our head, or whether is it finding friends so that we can move ahead. Inner critic isn’t all that bad if we use it correctly, and also to not take things too personally to see from a third person’s perspective, so that we don’t feel so much shame. Shame is not ours. Fear is not ours, but it is us who experience it. And those are very transient as well. So thanks a lot for helping us to reframe our mindset to overcome our negative self talk.

Cheryl  31:17

I really love how throughout the episode, sister Ratna always shared about how mindfulness is really the anchor point, and it’s really the foundation in which these transformations and this reframing of perspectives and narratives come from. It’s a good inspiration and a good reminder to always use mindfulness as a foundation, and more importantly, apply to the challenges that you’re facing. And I think with that, we could wrap up today’s episode.

Kai Xin  31:46

Thanks for being here. Thank you. And that’s a wrap for this episode. If you’d like to stay inspired by Ratna, you can follow her on IG or Facebook. Links are in the show notes. And if you’ve benefited from this episode, do share it with your friends and leave us a five star review wherever you’re tuning into this podcast to the next episode. May you stay happy and wise!