Navigating conversations about death can be challenging, especially with ageing parents. In this poignant episode, Sis. Sylvia Bay, esteemed Dhamma Scholar shares insights on how to approach the topic of death with our parents, particularly in cultures where discussing death is considered taboo:
🕊️Learn when is the best time and ways to discuss death with loved ones.
😔How to address feelings of regret and inspire ongoing positive actions in your loved ones.
🌱Understand the comforting concept of rebirth can transform the way we view death and mortality.
About the Speaker
Sylvia Bay has been dedicated to the study and practice of Buddha’s teaching since 1992. She graduated with a B.A. (Hons) First Class, in Buddhist Studies, from the Buddhist and Pali University of Sri Lanka in 2000 and joined the teaching staff of the Buddhist and Pali College (Singapore) in 2001. Since 2002, Sylvia has also been a regular speaker on Buddhist doctrine, Buddhist history, and the practical application of the Buddha’s teachings in daily life, at the invitation of various Buddhist organisations in Singapore. She published her first book in May 2014: the 1st volume of a 2-part series on the life of the Buddha which is titled, “Between The Lines: An Analytical Appreciation of Buddha’s Life”. Volume 2 was launched on Vesak day of year 2015. Sylvia also holds a B.Soc.Sci (Hons) from NUS and a Masters in International Public Policy (M.I.P.P) from School of Advanced International Studies (SAIS), Johns Hopkins.
Key Takeaways
Timing and Approach in Discussing Death
Sis Sylvia emphasises the importance of timing and a gentle approach when discussing death with aging parents. It’s crucial to choose moments when they are emotionally stable and receptive, avoiding sensitive occasions like birthdays or festive seasons. The conversation should be approached with love and care, using questions to encourage them to open up about their fears and emotions.
Spiritual and Philosophical Perspectives
Sis Sylvia discusses Buddhist beliefs about death and rebirth, highlighting how these teachings can provide comfort and acceptance. The concept of rebirth is presented as a continuation rather than an ending, akin to going on a journey where preparations are necessary but not fearful. This perspective helps in easing the fear of mortality and allows for a smoother transition.
Letting Go as an Act of Love
The discussion touches on the Buddhist concept that letting go of attachment is an act of wisdom and self-love rather than abandonment. By reframing grief and attachment with wise words and understanding, individuals can mitigate their pain and focus on the positive aspects of their loved ones’ transitions. This approach encourages accepting the natural course of life while cherishing memories without clinging to them.
Transcript
Full Transcript
[00:00:00] Cheryl: Welcome to the Handful of Leaves episode. I am the host Cheryl. The guests I have today is Sister Sylvia, an experienced Dharma speaker, practitioner and scholar. She has a lot of experience in Dharma practice. So I’m very excited to invite her. Welcome Sister Sylvia.
[00:00:19] Sis. Sylvia Bay: Hello
[00:00:20] Cheryl: In a culture where it’s a choi choi choi (taboo) thing to talk about death, how can we help our parents accept their own death, especially if they feel a lot of fear? And of course, how can we ourselves have a sense of acceptance and peace with our parents aging process?
[00:00:36] Sis. Sylvia Bay: Timing is important. Don’t choose to have a conversation like this near Chinese New Year, near people’s birthday. No, no, no. When they are happy, happy, don’t go and pour cold water.
So timing is important. If they were sick, it may not be terminal, but they are in a lot of pain. When you want to have this deeper conversation, you must make sure that you do it with a lot of love. You may require some hand holding, some cuddling, you know, some petting, hugging, and you ask, what are your feelings? What are your driving emotions now? Get them to talk by asking questions. If you say, what are you afraid of? They say, I’m not afraid of anything. If they say, I don’t feel anything, it may mean they are not ready to talk.
You tell them, sometimes it feels better, it feels good. When you ask questions, you share a little bit more about what you’re experiencing. You get them to open up and tell you what are their thoughts about whatever issue, death, pain, sickness . If you perceive that they are having some emotional angst, you have that conversation. You ask them, how do they look at this? How do they feel about that? That sort of question. Open up. Then if you have a very good relationship with your parents, or at least there is trust, and they perceive that you’re someone who can understand, you’re not going to judge them. You are prepared.
Maybe you know a little bit more about that kind of thing, right? They will ask you, and this is where you will give them the facts. We believe in rebirth. We believe that when life ends, it doesn’t just end. This is our belief. We believe in rebirth and how. What is the Buddha’s Dhamma on this? Minimally, you will move on. So in a way, don’t cast it as so final. See that in a way, it’s like going on a trip. You all pack up and when you reach a certain point, you must get your bags ready. Because sooner or later, it will come. Actually, that’s my conversation with my mom. I say think of death like you’re going on a trip, but it’s a long one because eventually I will also join you.
We’ll all be going on this trip. And to make it less frightening, because mortality is scary, death is scary, when you don’t have enough information, you don’t really know how to understand the issue, it’s scary. So you get them to open up by asking questions, and then it will lead to a point where you can then say, in my belief, in my practice, this is how we understand death.
The passage of time, passage of life, when the person die, if the person had form a lot of relationship, they have done very good things. You don’t have to be perfect. We are not perfect, but you’ve done good stuff. You have been kind. Then the mind gets lighter. It feels at ease. It’s not afraid to move on.
The transition will be very smooth. Nothing to be afraid of. They just need more information.
[00:04:18] Cheryl: What if at that point what comes up is regret? Regret that they have not lived a good life or a lot of the bad things that they’ve done.
[00:04:25] Sis. Sylvia Bay: And you will say, it’s not over yet. There’s still time to go and fulfill some of the things you want to do. There’s still time. No matter how, you never know where the end point is. Unlike PSLE, there is no A star, no one’s marking you.
And so you don’t have to worry about getting a C. What we can do, we do. You have to use words like that. Use words to lift the mind, to give people back some sense of control. You cannot control the point of departure, but you can continue to build your credit score. Give people the sense that they can continue to do something, and they can! The point is they can. To feed the animals, to link with the Dhamma. Then you just focus on generosity. Tell them stories in the Dhammapada. About what generosity can do. That is why I tell people, you must know stories, you must have some understanding of the Dhamma. You want to help your parents, you cannot help without understanding. You have enough understanding, you can help. You don’t have enough understanding, how can you help? You don’t even know what to say. So there’s this cute story of how this chap in his lifetime was making simple acts of generosity.
Gave some dana, small thing, really small thing. He was like giving vegetable. Here he gave, there in the Deva realm, something was appearing for him. Mogallana asked, is it true that when you do dana, you do something good, there is reciprocity somewhere in heaven? Buddha said you were there, right? You saw. Why keep asking me? So I took away from that story. You’re not doing good deeds for the merits. You’re just doing it because it has to be done. But at the same time, because you’re talking to your parents, you must assure them that, well, these are the stories found in the canon. You can choose not to believe. That’s okay. I’m just telling you, these are the stories. They would like this kind of stories because it’s reassuring. It calms their mind. It reduces their disquiet. So it’s good, good to tell Dhamma stories. And it’s so cute as well, the story.
And you just learn them and use them when the occasion arises. You can use that. So I want to just reiterate, just repeat this point. As long as the person is alive, you can still do something. Okay, as long as the person is alive, in small measures. And I can tell you from personal experience. Sanghas are very very kind, the monastics are very kind. You tell them like someone is dying. You have never met the Sangha. You never met this chap, but you go to them and say, please, please, I need you to come and talk to my parents. They’re my mom, my dad, he’s dying and he needs help. They will come. Okay. They will come. No question asked. No money asked. Sure, sure. They come, to help. [00:08:01] Cheryl: And the Sangha is also often described as the most fertile ground for merit. Yes. And the moment that the parents can see them, they can also do a lot of good as well.
[00:08:10] Sis. Sylvia Bay: Yes, yes. Actually, specifically is the Ariya Sangha. That is the biggest ground for merits. But still, Sangha is better than nothing. Any Sangha is good enough. In fact, many Sanghas that I have met and I know they are rich fields of merits and they know it.
So that’s why they will try their best to practice well and purify this. This is the merits. This is the one. If they are very well practiced and they’re very restrained in the way they conduct themselves. They have a lot of wisdom. Oh, very meritorious. As I said, I’ve done this. I tell you a personal story.
This one concerns Bhante Buddharakkhita. Every day he is in Singapore. His appointments filled to the hilt. You know, he’s busy. Someone was dying. And very last minute I approached him. I actually stood at Buddhist Fellowship (BF) waiting for him to arrive. And then I spoke to him and told him. And he said, okay, let’s go.
And then he was reminded that, eh, Bhante tonight you got some medical appointment. And he says, no, no, no, this is more important. Helping someone when they are transiting is more important than whatever treatments that you’re talking about.
So he went. So I’m telling you, Sanghas, be it Mahayana, Theravada, local, foreign. Everyone that I know, they will go because they know this is very important.
[00:09:46] Cheryl: Selfless.
[00:09:48] Sis. Sylvia Bay: Yeah. That’s why you need to go and look after Sangha. You need to support them so that they can continue doing the good work that they are doing.
[00:10:02] Cheryl: And on the side of the children, how can they accept this as well? Because of the love and attachment, it’s going to be very painful as well.
[00:10:11] Sis. Sylvia Bay: It depends on whether the person has any spirituality. If the person is Buddhist and reasonably familiar with the Dhamma, then it’s a reminder that this is the Buddha’s teaching. Right now, very hard, very painful, because of attachment.
Actually, the death in itself is not the painful part. The painful part is your thoughts, okay? The person dies, the person will die. But your thoughts come with, I will never see this person.
Ever. My parents have gone. I’m lost. It’s words like that. That will give you grief. So you have that attachment, and then you have, what’s the narrative, right? The narrative that speaks in a certain way. Those words will increase the longing. And because of the longing and the attachment, you feel grief.
Then you need to turn it around, use different words. Your parents, if they had died of old age, and they were suffering terribly before the end, the way you should speak is, at least they are now no longer, in physical pain. They have gone off to take on new role, new cars. They bought new car already. So I like to tease my mom sometimes.
People who don’t know us would say (you’re crazy). Oh my mom and I have this good, good laugh. Your car is old, lost COE already, you know. It is tired. It is breaking down. What you want to do because I know she’s not Arahant (Awakened Being) right? What you want to do is to go change your new car, change, change, move on.
So I repeat, your tears, your angst, your pain is because of attachment. If you use words unwisely, it will increase the pain. If you use correct words, you can actually mitigate your own pain. So you kind of balance it off. My parents have suffered. If I really do love them, I should let them go. Words like that.
My father and mother had a tough life. And you know they were good people so they will be Deva born, Bhuta born. Why are you so selfish holding on to them? Don’t you want them to get like promotion? So you say words like that to calm down your longing so balance it. I miss them and I always miss them. But at the same time I do feel happy for them. You focus on that focus on the correct words.
[00:13:20] Cheryl: Can letting go be also a form of love?
[00:13:26] Sis. Sylvia Bay: I know what you’re seeing. There’s a very romantic idea.
[00:13:31] Cheryl: I’m known as the Handful of Leaves hopeless romantic.
[00:13:35] Sis. Sylvia Bay: It’s a very romantic idea. Holding on to someone is attachment. Not holding on and allowing this notion that they are no longer in pain, they have moved on, it is wisdom, not love. For you to go in that general direction, it’s practice, it’s wisdom, it’s practice. It’s not in itself an expression of love, when you are able to say, I wish you all the very best. I am sincerely hopeful that you have a good rebirth. Those words are made out of affection. It’s like you’re rooting for someone you care about. Those words are made of affection and those words can help you to let go. It’s not about love. It’s wisdom. Your listeners may disagree, but this is how I see.
[00:14:36] Cheryl: Our listeners can also share in, in the comments what you think. We would love to hear from you as well.
[00:14:42] Sis. Sylvia Bay: You see, saying the words as follows, I wish you all the very best. I wish you all well. I hope that you’ll get a good rebirth. Those words are an expression of, it’s really a reflection that you care for them. That’s why you want them to do well. But the letting go in itself, right? Like let go, that itself is not about love. It’s really about wisdom. Okay. I just repeated the same point.
[00:15:12] Cheryl: Yeah. But I’ve not lost like parents before. So I’m just thinking,
[00:15:17] Sis. Sylvia Bay: Oh, you have in other lives. Okay.
[00:15:19] Cheryl: Yeah. Many too many. But in this, I’m just, I’m just applying that to friendships, relationships on how to do that. And it’s true that I think the difficulties is the attachment and I don’t have the antidote. I don’t have the wisdom to be able to fully let go. That’s why then the struggle is there. Yeah.
[00:15:46] Sis. Sylvia Bay: You hold on to the relationship, isn’t it? When you’re holding on to a relationship, it’s not love. It’s you loving yourself. You see if I love you, I want you to love me. But actually it’s because I love me that I want you to love me. You know what I’m saying? This, this cute little exchange, it has a story.
King Pasenadi, fat king he really loved the Buddha. Every day he must go find Buddha. Once he finishes his state business, he knew that Buddha was around, he will go and visit. So one day King Pasenadi had this conversation with his favorite wife, Queen Mallika. He asked this question, who do you love the best?
He was expecting her to say, you your Majesty, right? She said, me. He was very disappointed. He was extremely upset. Then he went, I also love me the best. Then they went their separate way. That day he talked to the Buddha, he complained. So unhappy. The Buddha said, she’s very wise, you know, she’s very wise. She’s essentially saying that you will always love yourself the best. I’d love you to love me. If I say I love you, okay, and I expect that you will say you love me. Actually it’s really because I love me.
Everyone would love themselves the most. Okay. So she was right. She loves herself the most. It’s not about him. It’s just about her. Who do you love the most? You love me the most, which is correct. He got upset, right? It’s because he loves himself the most for real, not out of spite, which is for real. Maybe he doesn’t realize. He thought he was just saying it out of spite. He doesn’t have the wisdom. She had the wisdom. And honesty. And honesty. Because she was wise. She needed him. She understood. She just wanted to jolt him up. And of course, he got jolted out. He was very upset about it. So because we love ourselves so much, we want others to love us.
[00:18:02] Cheryl: But then how do we let go then? Is that where we let go of the sense of self?
[00:18:06] Sis. Sylvia Bay: You let go, okay ah, this word let go. I’m not sure if I like that word per se. You cannot hold on to the person anyway. The person passes on or the person leaves you, he leave you.
It’s his choice, okay? You are letting go of desire. You’re not letting go of him. You’re allowing your desires, your urge, your need for him to reciprocate or for your parent or your loved one not to pass on, right? You are refusing to let go of your attachment to the relationship or to the memory of the relationship.
You’re clinging onto them. Maybe, there is a part in you that is afraid that if you allow your grief to settle and allow the attachment to settle, you’re betraying that person, or you are forgetting that person. And it hurts to forget because you want not the person not to be forgotten.
Maybe there is this wrong view. It’s not a helpful view. You must understand that when a person can’t let go of another, it’s actually because the person cannot let go of the attachment to the idea. Cannot let go of his pleasure, his desires. He cannot.
He must remember that. It’s nothing to do with the other fella. The fella is moved on already. Dead or gone. It’s moved on. It’s yourself. If you can say, okay, no need to replicate that experience. No need to be in the arms of so and so. No need to call this person father, mother. He’s moved on. I accept that.
Accepting the end of a repeat of the episode. Not the memory. Memory is still there. Maybe I’m sounding a bit too deep.
[00:20:12] Cheryl: I know what you mean. It’s just need to let that sink in a bit.
[00:20:19] Sis. Sylvia Bay: Yeah.
[00:20:21] Cheryl: Hmm. Yeah, because that really changed my perspective that it’s not about the person. It’s really bringing back to our own desires, our own clinging to all those pleasures.
[00:20:35] Sis. Sylvia Bay: Correct. Absolutely. Correct. [00:20:39] Cheryl: That may be the game changer, right? Because then that’s when we stop writing about, Oh, the person’s so nice, so whatever. [00:20:47] Sis. Sylvia Bay: No, you accept that it’s over. You cannot replicate that experience, that whatever the experience is, it’s a faint version of it residing in your memory and you accept that you are okay with that.
We would always have lost someone. All of us have. I’ve lost my father, I’ve lost my, my grandparents. I have friends who have passed on. And when my friend from overseas, after the lady died, my friend and I, we went to a grave and she had a good cry because it’s a loss. It’s to know that someone you care about as a . Really good friend. We hang around and chit chat, chit chat, chit chat, right? You will never be able to repeat that episode because the third person is gone and you’re attached to the memory of it, the pleasure of it. And if you can see that it’s okay, he’s moved on, she’s moved on and is now in a better state.
It’s your love for the person, you’re wishing this person well. And then for your own part, for the love of you, you will say, I let you go. Otherwise you will be clinging and be in pain. It’s love for yourself.
[00:22:05] Cheryl: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:22:06] Sis. Sylvia Bay: Okay.
[00:22:07] Cheryl: It’s purely just suffering, right? Clinging. Yes, it’s pure Suffering. We have covered a lot in this wonderful episode talking about how we can skillfully talk to our parents about death, mortality, and that really is about getting them to open up and then sharing certain facts about death.
And then we go on to talk about love and the letting go of desire which requires self love and love for the other person as well. And so with that, we come to the end of the episode. Thank you for staying all the way to the end. And please give us a like on YouTube and share with your friends. And yeah as usual, stay happy and wise, and we’ll see you in the next episode. Thank you.
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TLDR: Ghost Month needn’t be scary. The Buddha’s teachings offer a compassionate approach to understanding and overcoming our fears.
Have you ever felt that chill down your spine during the seventh lunar month? You’re not alone. In Singapore and Malaysia, we traditionally call this time Ghost Month – when the gates of the underworld supposedly swing open, and spirits roam freely among us.
It’s a period steeped in Chinese tradition, filled with rituals and offerings, but it’s also a time when some of us are looking over our shoulders more than usual.
The stories we’ve grown up hearing about Ghost Month can really get under our skin. We find ourselves avoiding certain places or activities, tiptoeing around as if the slightest misstep might anger an unseen spirit.
The Dhamma offers us a different perspective through teachings like the Janussoni Sutta.
Understanding Our Fears
Fear is a part of being human. When it comes to Ghost Month, our fears often stem from the belief that these wandering spirits might harm us if we somehow offend them. It’s a belief deeply rooted in our culture, and it’s not easy to shake off.
Contemporary movies like Shutter/ The Ring which feature aggressive ghosts that even sit on your shoulder do not help in allaying our fears.
However, the Dhamma suggests that our fears often come from our attachment to ourselves and our dislike of suffering. When we’re afraid of ghosts, it’s usually because we see them as a threat to our well-being. But what if we could look at it differently?
A New Perspective on Ghosts
The Janussoni Sutta gives us an interesting way to think about ghosts. According to this teaching, beings are reborn based on their kamma, or intentional actions. Those who’ve accumulated negative karma might be reborn as ghosts, but – and this is important – it’s not a permanent state. It’s just a result of past actions, and it can change.
This understanding can really shift how we see ghosts, especially during Ghost Month. Instead of seeing them as malevolent beings out to get us, we can start to see them as beings who are suffering and in need of help. It’s a bit like changing our perspective from “they’re out to harm me” to “they’re going through a tough time.”
When we change our perspective, against popular culture & traditional beliefs, we open our hearts to the possibility of compassion. In the same sutta, the Buddha encouraged Janusonni (a Brahmin) to still give gifts and perform memorial rites for the dead even if none of his relatives were hungry ghosts.
Why? Because in our countless cycles of rebirth, it is impossible that none of these hungry ghosts would have been associated with us. Compassion is key.
If you would like to read more on how Buddha talked about the plight of hungry ghosts literally camping at the door of their living relatives for merits, check out Tirokudda sutta.
Compassion: The Antidote to Fear
One of the most powerful tools we have against fear is compassion. When we focus on understanding and helping others, including ghosts, we naturally become less focused on our fears.
During Ghost Month, instead of letting fear take over, we can try acts of compassion. This could be making offerings (no need for burning), dedicating good deeds to the departed ones, or even simple acts like chanting or sharing goodwill with all beings, including those in the ghost realm. It’s amazing how helping others can actually help us feel better too.
A favourite chant I like to recite 3 times is a Pattidāna chant “Idam me ñātinam hotu, sukhitā hontu ñātayo.” – “Let this merit accrue to my departed relatives; may they be happy!”.
Staying Present and Aware
Mindfulness is another great tool for dealing with fear. It’s about staying present and aware, noticing our thoughts and feelings without getting carried away by them. During Ghost Month, when our imagination might be working overtime, this can be really helpful.
Next time you’re walking past a spooky-looking alley or see a playground swing swinging itself, try this: pause for a moment and take a deep breath.
Notice what you’re thinking. Are your thoughts based on what’s really happening, or are they influenced by stories you’ve heard? By staying mindful, you can keep your fear in check and stay calm.
Hence, with your mindfulness strongly established, you can try to see things as they are. This means recognising that ghosts aren’t inherently harmful. They’re just beings caught in a difficult situation due to their past actions.
When we understand this, we can see that our fear of ghosts is often based on misunderstandings. They’re not out to get us; they’re just going through their own struggles, like all of us.
A New Way to See Ghost Month
Ghost Month doesn’t have to be a time of anxiety. By applying these Buddhist teachings, we can approach this period with compassion, mindfulness, and understanding. Instead of fearing the hungry ghosts around us, we can see this time as a chance to practice kindness and deepen our understanding of existence.
So this Ghost Month, let’s try something different. Instead of fear, let’s cultivate compassion. You might be surprised at how much peace you can find, even in the spookiest of times.
Wise Steps:
1. Acknowledge your fear: It’s okay to feel scared during Ghost Month. Recognize your fear without judging yourself, and try to understand where it’s coming from.
2. Practice compassion: Use this time to cultivate kindness towards all beings, including ghosts. Make offerings or dedicate good deeds to help ease their suffering.
3. Stay mindful: When you feel afraid, take a moment to breathe and observe your thoughts. This can help you stay calm and clear-headed.
4. Seek understanding: Learn more about what ghosts really are from a Buddhist perspective. Understanding can help reduce fear.
5. Participate in rituals mindfully: If you take part in Ghost Month rituals, do so to help spirits rather than just warding them off. This can change your whole experience.
TLDR: Death is often seen as a tragic outcome in a person’s life. What if death allows us to better appreciate Impermanence, Right View, Right Effort, and Gratitude?
SPOILER ALERTS! This article contains spoilers!
The movie “How to Make Millions Before Grandma Dies” is a Thai family-themed film that skillfully blends humour with poignant moments of love, compassion, joy, and equanimity. Proceed with caution, as some minor spoilers will be shared here.
Check out the movie trailer here. (The trailer alone is a tear-jerker; prepare your tissues!)
The movie centres around a grandson, M, and his maternal grandmother, Ah Ma. M competes to become Ah Ma’s favourite, devising a plan to surpass Ah Ma’s three children to secure the largest portion of her inheritance – the ancestral home before Ah Ma succumbs to cancer.
M and Ah Ma had many hilarious and mind-bending interactions. They show us how their relationship evolved from M’s initial feelings of Greed, Aversion, and Ignorance towards Ah Ma and Ah Ma’s initial distrust and scepticism of M’s intentions to a deep bond of love and joy, cherishing the shared moments in life.
Impermanence
We celebrate birth, yet we cry over death. birth and death come as a pair. Death casts a shadow over us from the moment of birth. As Buddhists, the Buddha encourages us to contemplate death as one of the 5 Recollections that we should regularly reflect upon. There is no guarantee that we will live to a long, ripe age. ‘
Once in Ajahn Brahm’s retreat at Jhana Grove in Australia, Ajahn Brahm somberly stated, “One of you may not be alive next year…” and he intones on, “And don’t you all look at the elderly gentleman at the back, for there is no guarantee that the young may not die earlier either!”
M shared with Ah Ma about her cancer diagnosis, which came as a shock to Ah Ma’s three children, who tried to conceal the diagnosis from Ah Ma.
This situation highlights the common fear that adults have when it comes to discussing death with their parents.
My father is a 4 times cancer survivor. I have witnessed his transition from being youthful and active to being slower and weaker; impermanence is revealing itself in my life with my father.
Talking about death and discussing his final wishes with my father, especially at this late stage of his life, remains a sensitive topic for me. It makes me ponder whether it is taboo for me or my parents.
During a discussion with M’s cousin, the topic of the “elderly smell” came up. Sometimes, we might avoid spending time with our aging grandparents or parents just because they “smell” funny. This reflects our aversion to unpleasant odors and our attachment to pleasant fragrances like perfumes.
Worse, some may not even notice any smell at all. Aging is a painful process for the body; it cannot detoxify at the same rate as it deteriorates.
The elderly are conscious of their failing bodies. We do not need to add more hurtful words to their physical discomfort.
As younger Buddhists, we are more knowledgeable about the suttas and the proper teachings of the Buddha. This can lead us to dismiss the rites and rituals observed by our Ah Ma and Ah Gong, such as abstaining from beef consumption for those who worship Guan Yin.
(Spoiler alert: Despite beef being her favorite, Ah Ma vowed in front of the Guan Yin altar to never eat beef again for the rest of her life so her son could recover from his illness.)
Questioning antiquated rites and rituals may be necessary, but it is also crucial to recognize the importance of rituals upheld by the elderly. If we do not take the opportunity to learn more while they are still with us, we risk losing the social, cultural, and religious narratives embedded in these traditional practices.
Right Effort:
At first, M embraced the role of the dutiful Grandson, expressing his desire to be a “full-time Grandson” and help Ah Ma with her congee stall business. However, M’s perspective shifted when Ah Ma mentioned the need to wake up at 5 am, leading to the following hilarious exchanges:
M: Why so early?
Ah Ma: The early bird gets the worm.
M: The worm that wakes up early will be gobbled up first. The worm that woke up late survives.
Greed is the motivating factor that energizes M to be closer to his Ah Ma. This explains M’s previous careless attitude and behaviour, like “microwaving the water” instead of using a kettle, showing little regard while cleaning Guan Yin’s altar, and buying beef soup for Ah Ma without realizing that Ah Ma does not eat beef.
These instances humorously highlight how we sometimes neglect to show proper respect and care toward our elders when completing tasks for them.
In Buddhism, Right Effort is part of the Noble Eightfold Path. What would count as Right Effort in this context? M’s mother exemplified Right Effort by rescheduling her work shifts to join Ah Ma in aquatic exercises, accommodating Ah Ma’s chemo appointments in her busy schedule, and wholeheartedly attending to Ah Ma’s needs, purely out of love without concern for inheritances.
M’s initial thought was that his mother was also working hard to curry favour to be in Ah Ma’s good books, but he stood corrected.
In summary, Right Effort is not the mere performance of the acts of wholesome deeds but rather also the wholesome mental states behind them. Arising wholesome mental states (caring for Ah Ma) and abandoning unwholesome mental states (disregarding inheritance as a motivating factor for caring).
Gratitude
Gratitude is a big word, yet it is subtly depicted in the movie’s day-to-day scenes. The simple moments in life remind us to value each other’s presence.
In a particular scene where M and Ah Ma are preparing bags of vinegar for takeaways:
Ah Ma: You’re not doing it tight enough.
M: If it’s too tight, the vinegar will suffocate.
Ah Ma: Chuckles and laughs at M’s comments.
Many Asian children consider it a sacred duty and responsibility to provide their parents with pocket money while working. Therefore, it pains me and makes me feel “bad” that I am unable to support my parents financially during my 1-year unemployment period.
I ended up spending more time in Singapore than in my hometown of Malacca with my elderly parents because I felt awkward and uncomfortable relying on them for food at home.
This movie makes me realize that the greatest gift that our parents want from us is Time!
During a discussion with M’s cousin, who inherited a fortune, M’s cousin remarked, “Do you know what old people really want, but none of their offspring can give it to them? Time.”
Our elderly parents and grandparents do not need fancy vacations or material goods from us; they crave our undivided time or whatever time we can spare.
In a society where we must earn a living, sustain a lifestyle, and offer material comfort to ourselves and our loved ones, the true joy and happiness our loved ones seek lie in the moments we share in our time spent with them.
We might initially hold certain misconceptions and motivations when spending time with our loved ones, particularly concerning money and inheritances.
However, as the movie unfolds, we learn that with Ah Ma’s love and compassion, even the obnoxious and greedy M can undergo a positive transformation. Let us brush off the impurities of our heart, for we all naturally have the Buddhanature as our birthright; we simply need to re-discover it again so it can “Shine bright like the Diamond!
It’s important to spend quality time with our elderly grandparents, parents, or other elderly relatives/friends. To echo Angie Chew’s sentiment, “Their tomorrows will be lesser than their yesterdays.”
Expressing our love and gratitude to our loved ones should be a regular practice. If saying “I love you” feels challenging, imagine how much harder it would be when they are no longer around.
TLDR: Singapore is rapidly ageing and it is important to educate ourselves on death literacy, and aging, and develop spiritual friendships to sustain us through our golden years.
“As Buddhists, we should develop spiritual friendship as a refuge in old age,” Dr Ng Wai Chong explained, striking a chord deep within my heart.
I recently attended the 12th Global Conference on Buddhism organised by Buddhist Fellowship at Expo Singapore. Dr Ng’s talk on “The Challenging Happy Problem of Dying in Old Age” really got me thinking.
Brother Wai Chong defined death literacy as “the knowledge and skills that make it possible to gain access to, understand and act upon end-of-life and death care options”.
These include understanding what good end-of-life care looks like for individuals, what happens when someone dies, what legal processes need to be followed, and what support is needed and available at different stages, among other things.
Issues and vulnerabilities for the Buddhist community
In addition, he pointed out that there exists a group of ageing monastics in Singapore.
He raised the pertinent question, “Who will take care of our ageing monastics if they do not have a family / kappiah (volunteer helper) / devoted supporter / affiliated monastery?
This came to mind when Brother Wai Chong brought up the fact that such cases are becoming increasingly common due to isolation of the old.
A dream of mine is to live together in a queer commune with other queer Buddhists in order to offer support to one another.
These could include support whether physical (accompanying one to the doctor, cooking for one another when sick or ensure that falls are immediately taken care of), spiritual (meditating together every morning or chanting together before a meal every evening), emotional (commiserating over my lack of love life or offering comfort during breakups), or psychological (offering a hug or words of comfort during times of depression or when one’s friends and family is not supportive of our sexual orientation even though it is not explicitly prohibited in Buddhist scripture).
Thus, it was gratifying to hear when Brother Wai Chong talked about Older People’s Associations (OPA) that are groups created to serve the needs of older people.
He used the example of the “Happy Village” OPA conducted online using Zoom that he was a part of, to demonstrate how technology can be used to help connect people.
Conclusion
What I have written is but a fraction of the rich and educational talk Brother Wai Chong presented. I think the most impactful part of the talk (at least for me) was where he highlighted the importance of spiritual friendship as part of active ageing.
If anything, I am looking forward to future sharing on the topic of death by him.
For if anything is a certainty, it is the certainty of death. Instead of being afraid of it, why not embrace the inevitable, and take steps to prepare for it today?
TLDR: In the second part of our pilgrimage series, Tate Aung acquires a symbol, a wooden Buddha rupa. She experiences a pivotal moment of renunciation by giving away a prized possession, exemplifying the importance of relinquishing attachments for spiritual growth. Next, Angela Tan’s contemplation on death during a Ganges River cruise in Varanasi leads to profound insights on life’s impermanence and the cultivation of of virtues in pursuit of liberation.
Going on a pilgrimage often brings us to some unexpected realisations and experiences. In this second instalment of our three-part pilgrimage series, we delve into two reflections by two fellow pilgrims, Tate Aung and Angela Tan as they navigate the paths of renunciation (Nekkhamma) and death contemplation (Maranasati) amidst the sacred landscapes of India.
From the pursuit of generosity to contemplating life’s impermanence, their narratives offer some poignant insights into the essence of spiritual growth and the pursuit of enlightenment.
Nekkhamma by Tate Aung
In the serene setting of Rajgir, a town in the district of Nalanda in Bihar, India, I made a significant acquisition – a beautifully carved wooden rupa made of wood from the sacred Bodhi Tree.
This rupa of Lord Buddha in his most austere state of renunciation was to me a symbolic reminder of the suffering the Buddha felt, along with his unwavering determination on his path to enlightenment. Reflecting on my disposition, characterised by what I perceive as a lack of Viriya (effort) and a tendency to procrastinate, I had wanted to place this rupa in my home as a stark reminder to infuse more effort into both my spiritual practice and work life.
The journey of this rupa did not end with its purchase. I carried it to the Mahabodhi Temple in Bodhgaya, where it received blessings at the Buddha Metta statue.
It then further continued at the deer park in Sarnath where the Buddha first proclaimed the Dhamma to the world.
While our group circumambulated with the rupa around the stupa (commemorative monument)at the deer park, the recited teachings of the Dhammacakkhapavathana Sutta and the Anatta-lakhana Sutta from ~2500 years ago echoed in the air. I would think that layers of blessings were bestowed upon the wooden rupa.
I had brought along another rupa on the trip to the deer park to offer to Kruba Joe, a monk accompanying us on this pilgrimage. However, while everyone was meditating, I became quite distracted and was in a deep dilemma on what to do when I saw that the rupa intended for Kruba Joe had a small crack at the back.
As good as my intention was to give it away, I could not unsee the crack on the rupa’s back and thought how “less-than-beautiful” it was when compared to the other rupas gifted to the other monks who were around.
Right then, I recalled the goodness of my dear kalyāṇa-mitta(spiritual friend), Kaylee, who previously gave a singing bowl to Phra Danny (despite her initial desire to keep it for herself…)
Inspired by her example, I too decided to give away the “ultra-blessed” Austere Buddha rupa intended for myself to Kruba Joe. Honest to Buddha, the Austere Buddha rupa not only had very good craftsmanship but also cost twice as much, hence I did feel the pinch and was quite unwilling to part with the rupa, and more so, the blessings associated with the rupa.
Oftentimes, most of us only give away things we don’t need, and things we don’t find difficult to give away.
You could say that I was delighting in the pleasant sense-object like the rupa, and growing a dangerous attachment to it that could cause me some suffering over it in the future.
Hence, the act of giving away a prized possession became an expression of renunciation, serving as a reminder to not only give away what is easy but to part with what is most difficult (which includes renouncing our defilements).
On the topic of renouncing our defilements, while I was at Rajkir, Bihar (prior to reaching Uttar Pradesh), I had indicated to my dear kalyāṇa-mittas(spiritual friends) that yes, I would be taking the Eight Precepts, and hence would not be eating after 12:30pm.
Yet, the allure of an exquisite buffet upon arrival at our hotel in Uttar Pradesh tested my commitment. Succumbing to temptation, I found myself on the brink of breaking my precepts during this pilgrimage. In a moment of intervention, a wise kalyāṇa-mitta, Heng Xuan, gently told me off by mentioning that “..breaking your precepts is very bad kamma…. you said you were going to take 8 precepts”. He also said something along the lines that it was bad for my “Sacca Parami” (transcendent virtue of truthfulness) too.
That stopped me in my tracks.
This timely piece of advice halted my wavering, and I chose to recommit to the precepts, a decision we celebrated as a team, captured in a joyful photo with the entire DAYWA group observing the eighth precept successfully.
The conscious and intentional act of stepping away from temptations which lead us astray from our commitments is a powerful act of renunciation.
Pana time for eight preceptors
In essence, this entire pilgrimage served as a powerful reminder that every action we undertake is a fuel for our Parami (Virtues). The habit to renounce not just material possessions but also our inner defilements, such as tanha (craving), becomes crucial in propelling us forward on the raft towards the shores of Nibbana.
Maranasati (death contemplation) by Angela Tan
Witnessing the four sights of ageing, sickness, death and an ascetic, the Buddha sought a way out of suffering. On this pilgrimage, the sight of death (through viewing cremations happening right before our eyes) was a particularly impactful one.
Burning Ghats
After days of meditation and visiting holy sites, we were treated to a cultural experience; a cruise on the Ganges – one of the most sacred rivers in the world.
Prior to boarding the Ganges cruise, we learnt that some Hindus believe that people who die in the city of Varanasi can achieve moksha (liberation). As part of their death rituals, some Hindus cremate their deceased relatives at a famous ghat (defined as: a level place on the edge of a river where Hindus cremate their dead.) Then, their ashes are put into the Ganges river where some Hindus believe that the deceased can reunite with their god Shiva.
As we boarded the cruise and headed for the famous cremation ghat, I could not help but anticipate sadness. I carried with me some preconceived notions of death – in Chinese culture, death rituals are often associated with a sombre sense of loss and heavy feelings.
Upon disembarking near the cremation ground, my eyes were indeed filled with tears – from the fumes of five recently deceased bodies burning all at once! When my watery eyes cleared, I saw family members of the deceased surrounding the fire, looking at ease with where they were and what they were doing. It was nothing like what I expected. There were no tears, no wailing, an absence of distress.
On the contrary, there was a sense of acceptance. And I was not the only one who felt this. Later on the way back to our evening rest, other pilgrims shared the same sentiments too. Death, to the Hindus, is a natural part of life. This is part of the notion of “Right View” expounded by the Buddha.
This experience led me to reflect that no matter your situation, whether you are rich or poor, happy or upset, sick or healthy, death is inevitable. It is a short sprint between life and death.
What matters most is to continually do good, give generously, learn earnestly, forgive steadfastly and patiently cultivate.
The next day, contemplating this experience about death allowed me to have a joyful meditation session. I was able to disengage from my ever-planning mind and enjoy the present moment, one breath at a time. Having returned from the pilgrimage, I continue to practise death contemplation whenever I walk past funeral services.
Conclusion
As we draw the curtain on this chapter of contemplation and revelation, both Tate’s and Angela’s stories shed light on the intricate journey of spiritual growth while seeking enlightenment. From Tate’s journey of renunciation, marked by the relinquishment of material attachments to Angela’s profound contemplation on death and impermanence, their encounters remind us of the transient nature of existence and the urgency to cultivate good virtues that aid us to liberation.
May their insights inspire us to be more determined in our spiritual practices, guided by the light of wisdom and the aspiration for Ultimate Happiness and freedom.
Wise Steps:
1. Reflect on material (or mental) attachments: Take time to identify attachments to material objects and contemplate the possibility of letting them go for a better cause, understanding that renunciation can lead to spiritual growth and a lessening of our attachments . The same could apply to our mental attachments – to objects, experiences, views and perspectives.
2.Embrace impermanence (anicca): Contemplate on death regularly to cultivate our acceptance of life’s transient nature and prioritise actions that contribute to spiritual development and well-being. Regular reminders on impermanence also provide us with a sense of urgency to practice.
