Editor’s note: In conversation with Sayalay Sujata, a financial broker turned Buddhist Nun. Cheryl shares her learnings and insights from her chat!
TLDR: The chase, the corporate life, where can we find happiness? Sayalay Sujata, a Buddhist Nun, shares more about her journey and that you need not become a monastic to experience contentment in life!
The chase of travel, wine, food, and luxury
Sayalay grew up in a family where material wealth was not abundant, and she thought pursuing and owning material wealth will help to fill that lack and bring her happiness in life. And thus, the endless pursuit for the 5Cs’( this was in the 80s, 90s) began.
She worked hard in the banking industry and was living the “material dream.” With a high-paying job, her luxurious lifestyle was enviable to many looking from the outside – travelling, wine and dine, expensive exotic food were the norms.
However, as she filled her life with material pleasures, somewhere deep down, she was still unable to deny the sense of emptiness within her, and she was stuck in the state of, ‘having everything, yet not feeling happy.’
With a stroke of right luck and good timing, she went for her first seven-day meditation retreat without much expectations.
She followed the teacher’s instructions, and on the fifth day, she experienced a short but profound moment of peace, calm and joy in her heart. And she found the answer right then and there to her question: “Where can happiness be found?”
That was the start of her Dhamma journey which eventually led her down the path of taking up the robes of a monastic.
Her story taught me that thinking that happiness comes from outside – either from another person or some activities or achievement in our life, can cause us a lot of disappointment.
Perhaps happiness is not out there, nor in the next moment, but right here and now. We complicate happiness by adding on terms and sometimes impossible conditions – after getting a pay rise, after $X million, after the next social media post.
This perspective narrows the definition of happiness to become outcome-specific, as it is conditional upon getting what we want. By extension, when things don’t go the way we want, life becomes miserable.
Stopping the scrolling and grounding our attention
In Sayalay’s journey, it seems that the answer to happiness is to stop the pursuit. It was when she disconnected from the world and come into the present moment with no expectations, that she found happiness. Simply pause, and connect to our present moment – through the five senses. It was when she interacted with her experiences of the world through what she sees, hears, touch, taste, feel, that she was able to feel a deep sense of peace.
Maybe when you are next on the MRT, stop scrolling and just take a gentle in and out breath and ground your attention back to your physical body. It helps brings us back to the here and now, to take in where we are on our journey (pun intended), and for the possible first time, experience the abundance that we already have in our lives.
Happiness is simple, happiness does not ask for much and we can awake to that by remembering to be present in the here and now.
After 20 years as a nun, what is the path?
The conversation with Sayalay also took a deeper turn as she reflected on her 20 years as a monastic. We discussed the idea of renunciation.
Traditionally, most people will think that ordination (to become a monk or nun) is the only path for someone who chooses to practice Buddhism seriously.
But after walking through the whole journey herself, she realized that ordination is not the only path we need to walk towards to find true peace and happiness.
To find true peace and happiness, the answer lies in getting to know ourselves better. Reflecting on the ups and downs in our life can bring clarity to what contributes to a happier life, and on the flip side, what perpetuates our stress and restlessness.
This helps us to focus on the important areas in our lives, and relinquish the conditions for suffering. No matter what outfit you come packaged in, be it a monastic or lay person, “Theravadan”, “Mahayanan” or “Tibetan”, she reminds me that mental relinquishment is much more important than physical relinquishment and if done right, you can experience a sense of peace and grounding.
For example, relinquishing your bad habits and selfish thought patterns yields more happiness than clinging to the identity of “being a Buddhist,” and engaging in endless debates on which is the “best” Buddhist tradition.
Escaping the judging mind
Often, I get caught in the packaging rather than the contents – and project my expectations and ideals rather than focus on the heart of the teachings.
For example, when observing rituals or chanting ceremonies that I’m unfamiliar with, I notice that my mind jumps into the “judging mode” and I wear a sceptical lens.
Rather than appreciating the peaceful practice, my mind compares the experience and immediately labels it as “good” or “bad”.
Sayalay’s timely sharing on looking at what’s important, not just the packaging taught me to open my heart and invite curiosity into whatever I experience in the present moment, and more importantly, to take the opportunity to reflect on whether judging others contribute to my happiness.
If it doesn’t add to long-term happiness in my life, then use the experience as a lesson in “relinquishment” of my views.
Despite being a monastic for 20 years, Sayalay has a very humble presence that makes her easy to talk to and for me to open up to. I have learnt a lot from Sayalay’s inspiring journey and found many relatable aspects of her life that I experience in my own life. It reminded me that everyone is on their journey searching for meaning and true happiness in their lives, and the least we can do is to try to encourage each other on the wholesome path of seeking.
Wise steps:
Finding pockets of time during your commute, to know what’s going on in the moment to breathe and just be with your breath
Whenever we are caught up in a critical mind, to pause our judgments and ask, does judging others make us happy?
This teaching is extracted from a Dhamma talk by Ajahn Achalo, the abbott of Anandagiri Forest Monastery in Thailand. The talk was given in one of the meditation retreats. View the full talk here.
The following is a transcript of the above video with some edits.
Transcript
Many times, what we want from religion is somewhat superficial. Many people want to make offerings so that they can be rich, and many people are not so strict with upholding the precepts. There are even many people listening to Dhamma talks with the want to notice which list of Dhamma that Ajahn talked about – if it’s the 37 wings for awakening, or the 5 powers, or the 5 hindrances, and then they think that’s the lottery number. They’d take down the number and wish to win the lottery. Ajahn Chah sometimes said all these people who come, and they are making the wish: “may I be rich, may I be rich, may I be rich”, he said all they are doing is wishing for more suffering.
A lot of rich people have a lot of suffering. When you become very wealthy, and you’d get a big ego. When you have a lot of stuff, some of them please you, some of them displease you. You can be very attached to comfort, such that the slightest bit of discomfort is very irritating. Hence, being wealthy, being successful doesn’t necessarily mean an increase in happiness. It does give one a certain amount of freedom, but it gives one a lot of headaches as well. Other people want your wealth, you don’t know who you can trust, even your children would be fighting over their inheritance. It can be quite ugly sometimes.
The Buddha taught that greed is like a river. He said, “There is no river that floods like greed.1” It can be boundless if we feed it.
One of the dangers of being too wealthy is that you can feed your greed all the time.
So, the world is a dangerous place in terms of increasing delusion, in terms of increasing kilesa2. And the Buddha taught the middle way – knowing the right amount, knowing moderation, training in contentment. When we train in being contented, it’s like, “Oh! This is what it feels like to be content. It’s really nice, actually.” Actually, contentment is a bit nicer than getting what you want all the time.
When we get what we want all the time, there’s a kind of heat to that, a dizziness, and intoxication. Not very much mindfulness, and there’s a big sense of self. It’s vulnerable. When you get what you want a lot, what happens when you don’t get what you want? A lot of suffering.
There’s a growing understanding that that which knows suffering isn’t suffering. And, there’s a growing understanding that if you really maintain your mindfulness consistently that you’ll start to experience a tremendous sense of peace. And then, if you cultivate wisdom and start to understand the worldly Dhammas you’d understand that praise is just praise, blame is just blame, pleasure is just pleasure, pain is just pain. Fame is just that much. Ill repute is just that much. And you’d find that there’s much less reactivity and more wisdom, and then you realise, “Oh, this is really valuable. This is really worthwhile.”
The Buddha says peacefulness is the highest happiness3.
When the hindrances are weak, when a bad mood evaporates, when you notice impermanence, when you can be with pain with patience, when you can observe things that you used to react to that you’re not reacting to, it’s really nice. A real sense of relief, a sense of coolness, a sense of fullness. That’s why we do these contemplations. They orient us to take responsibility, to contemplate the truth, and to really have a good look inside, and to find that refuge. And when we do that, we’d find that it is very rewarding in a very cool, simple, and natural way.
1. Dhammapada verse 251 – There is no fire like lust; there is no grip like hatred; there is no net like delusion; there is no river like craving.
2. Kilesa– affliction; distress; especially that which afflicts, that which stains; an affliction, a defilement; a defiling passion, especially sexual desire, lust
3. Dhammapada verse201 There is no fire like lust and no crime like hatred. There is no ill like the aggregates (of existence) and no bliss higher than the peace (of Nibbana).
TLDR: Deep down, we want happiness. Happiness is something that can be cultivated systematically – it starts inwards. Although it is not easy, it is very worth it.
I realized from a young age that what I wanted in life was to be happy and that all my pursuits in life arch towards either instant or delayed gratification. With time, I noticed that this was a common human condition – we all want happiness, and fear pain! And perhaps the only reason why we pursue different things in life is because our definition of what brings happiness differs.
Being the scientific and engineering nerd that I was, I started my search in secondary school to find the ultimate life “hack” to happiness. I read widely and listened to talks by people who were smarter and wiser than me.
Over time, I found certain common underlying principles (or equations) that described what I experienced in life well.
1) The Happiness Equation
Observing the various ways people seek happiness, I noticed they converge upon 2 main methods (refer to equation 1.1):
· Method A: Having more things (increasing the numerator); or
· Method B: Wanting fewer things (decreasing the denominator)
This is apparent in how different people who have similar things (i.e common numerator) can have vastly different levels of happiness. For example, $100 is a fortune to a beggar, but small change to a millionaire. Both Methods A and B described above are valid routes to happiness, but require very different kinds of effort.
Method A (having more things) entails relentless external work to ensure the constant accumulation of possessions. Meanwhile, Method B (wanting fewer things) requires a deep commitment to inner work to cultivate the subtle craft of gratitude and contentment.
It is tempting to take the higher/nobler stance and claim that “wanting less is the way to go!” However, for the majority of us who are not renunciants (monks/nuns), it would be quite presumptuous to claim that we are not attached to at least some desires/possessions. While it is normal for laypeople to pursue some amounts of pleasure and fun, it is also important to be aware of the relationship between “having” and “wanting”.
I found that no matter how much I acquired, I was never satisfied – simply because the more I had, the more I wanted!
This phenomenon of hedonistic adaptation is well-studied by psychologists, and it describes how humans tend to adapt to pleasures/simulation in life. We require more intense simulation the next time round to get the same amount of happiness (similar to drug addicts, really). A common example is how lottery winners often return to their default state of happiness (or unhappiness) after the initial novelty of their prize wears off.
Considering the above, I decided a few years back that while I may never become a full-fledged renunciant, I would strive towards reducing my “wants” and cultivate contentment as my game-plan for happiness.
2) The Theory of Change
Making this choice to reduce my “wants” was the easy bit. Quickly, I realized that my “wants” were not leaving without a fight.
I also realized that this inner battle was not fought on a single front, but was instead spread across many skirmishes throughout various aspects of my life!
I realized that reducing my “wants” meant choosing a healthier Kway Teow Soup instead of the sinful Fried Kway Yeow for lunch; it meant not sending a paggro (passive-aggressive) text when I had to cover work for my teammate, and it was about being disciplined enough to Work-From-Home at 3 pm after lunch instead of Sleep-At-Home.
It was about being patient when irritated, and being calm when excited. More than anything, this inner work called for complete honesty about my flaws and imperfections – and committing to work on them for the rest of my life.
I found that reducing my “wants” was a big ambition indeed! But I also reflected that perhaps most of us may never really achieve a singular “big” change in life.
Rather, the biggest change comes from a compilation of small efforts – and the smallest things are everything (refer to equation 2.1).
3) The Happiness Graph
To direct all our efforts towards reducing “wants” instead of increasing “haves” is certainly the tougher path that is less travelled – but are other pursuits worth a similar heroic effort? To answer this, I plotted the long-term “happiness forecast” arising from adopting both Methods A and B (refer to equation 1.1).
Taking a closer look at my everyday experiences, I noticed that the pleasures that can be derived from our senses, while no doubt enticing, are still ultimately limited and transient.
Coupled with the rule of hedonistic adaptation, I found that the greatest joys – and tragedies – when mapped onto the greater scheme of life, often account for little more than minor blips on our happiness scale (refer to graph 3.1).
For all my efforts and strivings through decades in life, I realized that if they were not directed in the right direction, I will likely find the 80-year-old me not all that happier than my 8-year-old self. That was a really sobering thought!
Method B takes on a far more positive outlook. By observing the examples of well-practised spiritual teachers committed to the cultivation of contentment and gratitude (amongst other spiritual qualities), I saw that with the right effort and method, it is possible for one’shappiness to steadily increase with time (refer to graph 3.2). I experience this within myself as well.
As I continue to invest in my inner work and spiritual cultivation, I notice that I have a brighter mind-state, a more resilient spirit, and a more caring and compassionate stance towards others compared to 8 years ago (2013) when I begun my spiritual practice. Of course, there are days when the lights get dimmed – but as a whole, I am happy, which is all I ever wanted!
Equations can only get us so far. What we encounter in our everyday lives is the practical lab where the spiritual rubber meets the road.
As we journey on through life, instead of always wishing for a smooth problem-free ride, perhaps a more worthwhile aspiration to have is to grow the requisite mindfulness and wisdom to view each living moment as an opportunity for spiritual growth.
It is a life (or countless lives) time work – but what could be more worth it?
Wise Steps:
Take ownership of our happiness – don’t blame external circumstances
