TLDR: Turn CNY family stress into Buddhist practice with these practical solutions. From handling intrusive questions to navigating traditional customs, learn to maintain peace during festive gatherings
Ah, Chinese New Year. It is the time of year when we say goodbye to the old, usher in the new, and try to survive the inevitable family get-together that’s a mix of joy, stress, and… more stress. If you’re a young working adult, chances are you’ve had your share of awkward conversations, unsolicited advice, and well-meaning but slightly out-of-place comments.
Here are some ways to navigate common dreaded challenges during CNY gatherings and stay sane during the festivity:
1. The Family Inquisition and The Unsolicited Advice
Every year, it’s as if the entire clan has been briefed on the exact list of topics to ask at the dinner table. For some, it’s the pressure to settle down or start a family; for others, it’s just the age-old “How’s work?” While it’s tempting to roll your eyes it might be helpful to reflect that probably they might not know how to strike up a conversation beyond the usual questions or how to express concern.
They may mean well, but they simply lack more skillful ways of communicating. So, help them out!
Practical tip: Prepare meaningful questions that invite deeper discussions. Ask about their experiences with CNY in the past, their life lessons, or even their views on Buddhism. This can create more meaningful connections instead of the usual surface-level exchanges.
2. Dealing with Mean Relatives:
Then there are the relatives who seem to have mastered the art of putting you down, commenting on your appearance or belittling your life choices in a way that feels hurtful. Or they might be boasting about their achievements, or displaying competitive, negative personality traits.
These interactions can feel draining, especially when it seems like they’re trying to make you feel less than, or one-upping you at every turn.
Buddhism offers us a way to deal with such behaviour through compassion. Their comments and behaviour are likely rooted in their own suffering and generations of conditioning, and their need to boast or put others down is often a defence mechanism to cover their own insecurities.
Reframing the situation like this might allow us to take their comments less personally. Instead of suffering along with them, choose to maintain your peace.
Practical tip: At the same time, you don’t have to be a doormat. You can stand firm while maintaining kindness. Let them know you appreciate their well-meaning advice or comments, and if their words hurt, you can let them know. You can say, “I understand you care, but that comment hurts me,” and then shift the conversation to something else. Sometimes, a calm, non-defensive response can be the most surprising way to break the cycle.
3. Debating over CNY Customs and Clothes
CNY is all about tradition, and that often means you’ll be expected to dress a certain way—especially if your parents are involved. Red, new clothes, the whole shebang. Sometimes we don’t see the point, especially when the fashion trends of our parents and ours are as different as night and day. You might even feel the urge to argue about how illogical it all seems.
Then there are also the customs like praying to deities or following specific rituals, which may not align with your Buddhist practice.
On many accounts, beginners in Buddhism often make the ‘mistake’ of correcting their parents in ways that imply they are blindly following customs and are foolish. But this approach is neither respectful nor helpful.
Buddhism teaches us about letting go of our attachment to being “right.” It’s not about proving a point—it’s about harmony and respect. While we may not practice certain rituals or beliefs in the same way, we can approach these traditions with a gentle understanding.
These customs are deeply ingrained and often tied to our parents’ cultural identities. Correcting them sharply can cause unnecessary conflict.
Instead, we can share our views or teachings in a way that’s respectful, skillful, and free from judgement when the time is right.
Practical Tip: Practice humility and harmony. If it doesn’t hurt you to adhere to your parent’s wishes such as dressing a certain way, do so. Use it as an opportunity to watch your sense of self, especially your feelings of superiority. And if it involves participating in rituals you don’t align with, gently express your views, but avoid doing so in a way that shames others. This helps cultivate harmony without forcing your values onto them.
4. Social Pressure to drink and gamble
Drinking and gambling—two activities that are practically as synonymous with CNY as the reunion dinner itself. You’re handed a can of beer, and the mahjong table is calling your name. But what if you want to uphold your 5th precept and refrain from drinking or gambling?
It’s easy to feel like the odd one out, especially when your relatives are all about the fun and games.
You might feel pressured to cave in. But consider the main purpose of drinking and gambling: they’re social activities designed to bond. There are other creative ways to do so without intoxicating yourself or engaging in risky behaviour.
The key here is mindfulness and balance. It’s okay to abstain from drinking or gambling, as long as you maintain a sense of connection with others. Instead of focusing on what you’re not doing, shift your attention to how you can still bond with your relatives in a healthier and more meaningful way.
Practical Tip: You could share a technique from Dr. Punna Wong: if asked why you’re not drinking, you could say that your doctor advised you to abstain from alcohol. When asked who that doctor is, you might cheekily respond, “The Buddha,” and use the moment to share a bit of Dhamma and who knows that might provide you with an opportunity to invite them to a Buddhist event,
Or, if health is your reason, you can politely let them know you’re choosing a healthier lifestyle but would still love to bond over a healthier drink like tea or fruit juice. As for gambling, you can still play mahjong or other games without the element of money. Suggest that you’d like to have fun but without the financial stakes.
Conclusion
Well, you might have considered skipping CNY altogether to avoid the family drama and spending more time with friends instead. While this might seem like an easy solution, especially for those who find family dynamics overwhelming, it’s important to remember the value of staying in touch with relatives.
Family gatherings, though challenging at times, offer opportunities for growth, connection, and the practice of patience and compassion. By showing up, even when it’s difficult, we strengthen our resilience, deepen our relationships, and show respect for our cultural traditions.
So, next time you’re asked about your love life, your career, or why you’re not wearing that red jacket they bought you, remember: It’s just another opportunity to practice peace, wisdom, and, most importantly, compassion—toward others and yourself.
For a banana like myself, my mind can sometimes take a vacation when I go house visits to relatives. Creating this article hopefully helps me and those struggling people out there go through CNY without stirring up more anger than is needed in samsara.
If you are an expat/ mountain turtle who nearly wore black to their colleague’s house for CNY, this article will help you impress your hosts too. I have weaved in some Dhamma verses to add further flavour to these greetings. Here we go!
1. 新年快乐 (Xīn Nián Kuài Lè)
This is the classic greeting which means “Happy New Year” and is ‘deployed’ at the host’s door with two oranges.
Interestingly, the Dhamma teachings focus on the day-to-day, a deeper level of greeting and practice. HH Dalai Lama contemplates:
“Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, and I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings.”
We might feel that 2023 will be a year of great uncertainty given the slew of layoffs. But we use such greetings to remind us of the positive possibilities each day and year might bring.
2. 步步高升 (Bù Bù Gāo Shēng)
This greeting means “to ascend higher with each step”. It wishes the other person progress in whatever they do and set their mind towards.
The Buddha last words were ‘Strive on with diligence’ as he left his disciples. This meant going forward with the practice despite the adversities faced on the path. We sometimes ask ‘How do I know if I am progressing on the path as a Buddhist?’. Ajahn Brahm, a famous monk from Australia, talks about checking if we are gradually letting go of Greed, Hatred, and Delusion within us as a marker of progress.
To progress. We must let go.
3. 年年有余 (Nián Nián Yǒu Yú)
This greeting is a word play with the Chinese words “余” (yú) which sounds like identical to “鱼” (yú).
“”余” (yú) forms the phrase “剩余”, which translates to abundance. The second “鱼” (yú) means “fish” which is commonly an auspicious symbol in Chinese customs
So you are greeting the person with multiple abundance every year!
Buddha talked about blessings in the Mangala Sutta which we can associate with the idea of abundance (having enough).
“Not to associate with the unwise, but to associate with the wise, and to honour those who are worthy of honour — this is the greatest blessing.
To reside in a suitable locality, to have done meritorious actions in the past and to set oneself on the right course — this is the greatest blessing.”
There are 38 such blessings mentioned by the Buddha. Do check it out to literally count your blessings:) You might realise that your blessings and abundance are more ‘overflowing’ than you could ever imagine.
4. 心想事成 (Xīn Xiǎng Shì Chéng)
This greeting points towards ‘Achieving what the heart desires’.
“Mind is the chief forerunner of all good states.
Experiences are led by and produced by the mind. “
The Buddha pointed out mind as the first area of origin that defines our action and experiences. By changing the way we think and act, we can change our lives. Recognising the importance of the heart is key to changing our year ahead.
If what we desire is unskillful / ill-will in nature, we are likely to end with an outcome that is sub-optimal for our happiness. Likewise, this works for us if we are skillful and good-willed in nature.
5. 金玉满堂 (Jīn Yù Mǎn Táng)
This is the most Chinese greeting we can conjure up. It translates to ‘wishing you a house full of gold and jade”. This means we wish someone an abundance of wealth and wisdom/knowledge.
This is probably something most of us dream towards. Interestingly, the Buddha often talked about the 3 refuges (Buddha, Dhamma, Sangha) as the triple gem. Real gems that are beyond the cusps of ageing, sickness, and death.
“And what is the noble search? There is the case where a person, himself being subject to birth, seeing the drawbacks of birth, seeks the unborn, unexcelled rest from the yoke: Unbinding. Himself being subject to ageing… illness… death… sorrow… defilement, seeing the drawbacks of ageing… illness… death… sorrow… defilement, seeks the ageing-less, illness-less, deathless, sorrow-less, undefiled, unexcelled rest from the yoke: Unbinding. This is the noble search.” – Ariyapariyesana Sutta
A noble search for the Dhamma is one that gives an abundance of spiritual wealth and wisdom. Our material riches, loved ones, and titles will eventually fade upon death, so Buddha encourages us to work on something that doesn’t fade with effort-Our practice.
And there you go! 5 CNY verses that bring 5 different Dhamma reflections as we dive into the Chinese New Year. May these reflections bless both you and your family!
TLDR: A “Happy New Year” comes not from external conditions, but from appreciating the little blessings in life. The key is to adopt “gratitude as our attitude”.
During this festive season, we often wish our relatives and friends “Happy Chinese New Year”, or “恭喜发财“. In recent years, I started questioning – where does happiness (喜) in a new year come from?
For the young me, this was easily answered. Happiness came from playing with firecrackers, enjoying sumptuous dinners and sinful goodies, meeting my cousins to sing KTV/play cards, and watching TV shows till late.
As I grew up, my views changed. More than seeking pleasures derived from “consumption”, I saw the potential of seeking happiness through “appreciation”. In other words, gratitude.
Gratitude to Parents (父母恩)
In Chinese Mahayana Buddhism, there are 4 objects worthy of great gratitude (四重恩). The first object is none other than our parents.
Leading up to each Chinese New Year, my dad would busy himself around the house. Cleaning the fan, wiping the windows, changing cushion covers, hanging up decorations – the work seemed never-ending.
Typical Chinese New Year decorations at my house – spot the “福禄寿” bears?
I didn’t always appreciate these. The loud vacuum noises and the buckets laying around were a nuisance to me who was trying to study at home.
Mum was also busy during the Chinese New Year when my sister and I were young. She would pack our bags for our 3-day stay in Malaysia (our Grandmother’s house), tend to our daily needs away from home, and deal with any contingencies. I recall once when I fell ill with a stomachache – Mum’s Chinese New Year was spent with me visiting the doctor instead of relatives.
As I grew up, I had to take over some spring-cleaning tasks from my dad. With baby nieces and nephews around, I had to babysit them as well. These made me realise how much I have overlooked the contributions of my parents in giving me a “normal” Chinese New Year to enjoy.
I realised that the “normalcy” I enjoyed during Chinese New Year when I was young was built on their sacrifice.
Gratitude to Country (国土恩)
It was a challenge going into Malaysia each year with traffic jams at the immigration customs lasting up to 3 hours. There were even times when my family was delayed and had to have reunion “suppers” instead!
As a youth, I was often frustrated at the other cars. “Why do all of you have to leave at the same time?”, I would wonder. Also, couldn’t the customs officers work faster?
One year, I realised, “I was not stuck in traffic. I WAS the traffic”. I realised that the customs officers were part of the solution, while I was part of the problem.
Traffic jams at the customs during Chinese New Years can last up to 3 hours Source: The Straits Times
Frustration gave way to appreciation to the customs officers. Thanks to them, our immigration system is working smoothly and our national borders are kept safe.
Thus, the second object of gratitude is to our country (e.g. public service; national infrastructure; healthcare/immigration/security system). These blessings are not always visible, but they provide the foundation for us to lead our normal lives.
Gratitude to All Beings (众生恩)
Many beings bring convenience to our lives. We may not know most of their names and faces, but we have benefited from their contributions. They form the third object for gratitude.
Chinese New Year offers many opportunities for us to observe how people have helped us.
In recent years, I started noticing the waiters who serve our food at reunion dinners, the chefs who prepare the food, the entertainers who perform in celebratory “countdown” shows for us, the cleaners who clean up the mess made after New Year events, and many more.
I realised that things are easy and pleasant only because people help one another. We influence one another, living in a community and society, and our lives are deeply interwoven.
Recollecting the debt of gratitude we have for fellow sentient beings, I feel connected to others around me. This brings much comfort and warmth.
Gratitude to the Triple Gem （三宝恩）
The final object for recollection is to the Triple Gem (Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha) – our safe and secure refuge.
Reflecting on my life, I discovered that I was constantly seeking things to invest my faith/time/effort in return for some happiness. This can take the form of relationships, wealth, fame, job, or even rituals.
We are all seeking a “refuge” to seek comfort from. For example, a popular “tradition” in Singapore is to pray at a temple upon the turn of the Lunar New Year. Some even make efforts to be the first person to offer prayers (插头香) in the belief that it is an auspicious act.
Typical scene of temple-goers rushing offer incense (插头香) during Lunar New Year Source: The Straits Times
Lunar New Year can help us to consider what we choose to invest our faith in. For me, the New Year encourages me to reaffirm my faith in the Triple Gem.
This reminds me that true happiness is a function of my efforts, and not from external conditions. For that, I am grateful.
What makes a “Happy New Year”?
A “Happy New Year” need not just be a cursory greeting we repeat during the 15 days of New Year festivals during house visits. It can also be a sincere aim to strive towards for the entire year.
Things will never be totally smooth in life. If we depend on favourable external conditions to bring us happiness, we will never be able to find much stability.
However, with gratitude as our attitude, we can learn to observe the little blessings around us. Through patient and consistent effort, we can gradually learn to see challenges as opportunities for growth and to find the silver lining in dire situations.
This would be the true cause for happiness in our lives, and allow us to enjoy a “Happy New Year”.
Wise Steps
Keep a gratitude journal. This can be a physical notebook, a virtual word document, or even a private instagram page. Be disciplined in writing down something everyday.
When idle, play a game with yourself – note down 10 things around you to be grateful for. Challenge yourself to identify blessings you have taken for granted.
Train your mind to see problems as challenges, and as opportunities for growth. Be grateful for the tough times in life, and be worthy of your sufferings.
