Ep 63: A Bhutanese Nun’s Solo Journey Across 12 Mountain Passes  ft. Lopen Ani Pema Deki (Ven Emma Slade)

Ep 63: A Bhutanese Nun’s Solo Journey Across 12 Mountain Passes ft. Lopen Ani Pema Deki (Ven Emma Slade)

https://youtu.be/9F3e2GLpRg8

Summary

In this powerful conversation, Buddhist nun and author Emma Slade (Ani Pema Deki) opens up about her mission to help children with special needs in Bhutan through her charity Opening Your Heart to Bhutan. She reveals how her own past trauma as a hostage inspired deep empathy for those with limited autonomy, and how the values of compassion and resilience shape her every step β€” including her upcoming 37-day solo walk across Bhutan’s mountains to raise funds for their future.

Through stories of extraordinary courage, like a young boy training for the Paralympics, Emma and host Cheryl explore what it truly means to live a Bodhisattva vow, to act with skillful compassion, and to stretch beyond one’s comfort zone in the service of others.


About the Speaker

πŸ‘€ Lopen Ani Pema Deki (Emma Slade) was born in Kent, and was educated at Cambridge University and the University of London where she gained a First Class degree.  She is a qualified Chartered Financial Analyst (CFA) and worked in Fund Management in London, New York, and Hong Kong. 

A deep seated desire to enquire into the deeper aspects of humanity arise following a life- changing business trip to Jakarta, where she was held hostage at gunpoint. She resigned from her financial career and began exploring yoga and meditation and methods of wellbeing with the ultimate aim of turning a traumatic episode into wisdom and conditions for thriving. 

She qualified as a British Wheel of Yoga teacher in 2003 and, over the last 19 years, has run numerous yoga workshops and retreats. Her interest in Buddhism as a science of the mind strengthened after meeting a Buddhist Lama (teacher) on her first visit to Bhutan in 2011. This crucial chance meeting led to her studying Buddhism with this Lama and, eventually, led to her becoming the first and only Western woman to be ordained in the Himalayan Kingdom of Bhutan as a Buddhist nun.


Key Takeaways

True Compassion Requires Action Beyond Comfort

Emma shows how real compassion isn’t passive β€” it asks us to stretch, act, and often suffer discomfort to truly benefit others.

Resilience and Joy Can Exist Amid Hardship

From Bhutanese communities to a child training for the Paralympics, Emma shares how positivity and resilience can transform suffering into strength.

Skillful Means Matter as Much as Good Intentions

In helping others, empathy and timing are crucial. Emma explains how β€œchecking the cup” β€” seeing if someone’s mind is open β€” ensures that compassion lands without harm.


Transcript

Full Transcript

[00:00:00] Emma Slade: We can’t expect ourselves to act as if we’re enlightened beings when we are not yet. Like we drive a Ferrari when we are only capable of riding a bike.

[00:00:09] Emma Slade: It’s just a bonkers expectation.

[00:00:11] Cheryl: If you think you’re not suffering, think again.

[00:00:14] Cheryl: Welcome to the Handful of Leaves Podcast. My name is Cheryl, and today I’m joined by Emma Slade also known as Ani Pema Deki.

[00:00:22] Cheryl: Emma Slade is a Buddhist nun, author and founder of Opening Your Heart to Bhutan, a charity supporting hundreds of children with special needs. She’s now preparing to walk the

[00:00:32] Cheryl: Wild Bhutan Trail, 37 days solo across mountains and valleys to raise funds for these children who inspire her resilience.

[00:00:41] Cheryl: Let’s begin.

[00:00:47] Cheryl: Can you share with us more about your work with the special needs children there?

[00:00:50] Emma Slade: So I set up my UK registered charity Opening Your Heart to Bhutan 10 years ago. And that was very linked to my practice and my integrity as a Buddhist monastic, because I’d mainly studied the teachings and selflessness of compassion.

[00:01:05] Emma Slade: And then certain circumstances arose in Bhutan and really propelled me to help children with special needs in Bhutan or in very difficult circumstances. And it did feel like, okay, you studied all this compassion and you developed.

[00:01:20] Emma Slade: So it felt definitely directly related to my practice. So we’ve helped hundreds of children now in Bhutan. We’ve played a big part in building the first purpose-built special needs school. I was doing this walk across Bhutan for 37 days, to hopefully raise a big amount of money to secure the future of the school and the children in it. It’s 37 days, 12 mountain passes, 6 climate zones, and 403 kilometers.

[00:01:48] Emma Slade: And then after that I’m not, I’m not walking anywhere after that.

[00:01:51] Cheryl: What were some stories making you have such affinity with special needs children?

[00:01:59] Emma Slade: As you know, I was held hostage in that hotel room in Jakarta. And when I was held hostage, I felt so physically trapped and so unable to have any autonomy about my body.

[00:02:11] Emma Slade: And so I think when I encountered a girl in Southern Bhutan 11 years ago or whatever it was, the feeling of the lack of autonomy had a big impact on me.

[00:02:23] Emma Slade: I could empathize, it’s just very humbling to be around children like that. I’ve been very lucky with my opportunities, my skills that seem to be… have come quite easily to me in this life, right?

[00:02:36] Emma Slade: And so when things come easily to us, we tend to not see them very clearly. We don’t think, oh wow, I’ve managed to walk or cross the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. Some of these children that I spend time with, to walk across the kitchen to make a coffee is a big achievement and requires huge patience, requires huge determination. I just have so much admiration for their achievements. They don’t give up. I think I would just go, oh, this is just too hard. I would give up. So there’s something about that that I find very moving and it makes me want to support them. Want to help them achieve things, help them have a meaningful life.

[00:03:16] Cheryl: Would you like to share also one of the achievements that really touches your heart till today?

[00:03:21] Emma Slade: We had a boy in the Eastern school who had a physical condition, which meant he walked on his knees. Just think about that for a moment.

[00:03:29] Emma Slade: We looked into, could we give him some operation? It’s very complicated because a lot of the medical solutions, they would cause other problems. Anyway, he was the most positive charge you’re ever gonna meet. He played cricket on his knees, he was like batting, he would play football on his knees. And somebody came to visit the school, and they were just completely inspired by him. And so they did lots of little videos about him, and the Paralympics people picked it up in Bhutan.

[00:03:58] Emma Slade: And he is now training for the Paralympics to represent Bhutan. His spirit was absolutely incredible. I think most people would just give up on life and be completely depressed, and he was the most enthusiastic, positive, positive child. And now this great opportunity has come his way.

[00:04:17] Cheryl: It makes me so happy to hear that.

[00:04:19] Emma Slade: It just shows you the power of your mindset. His mental suffering, his attitude to his physical suffering could have been just so negative, but due to his response to his physical situation, it was incredible. It’s a big Buddhist teaching right there.

[00:04:36] Cheryl: Absolutely. Yeah. And I recall in our past conversation, we were talking about what do you think make Bhutanese people happy? And you mentioned it was their resilience.

[00:04:47] Emma Slade: Yeah. They are very resilient, very resilient people. They stick together and they support each other when things get tough. And I think that’s part of their resilience as individuals, but also as communities, when things get tough, they really pull together. I think that’s very interesting.

[00:05:05] Cheryl: In the 11 years where you’re working on this school, was there a moment where you felt like actually wanting to give up?

[00:05:14] Emma Slade: Oh, yeah. Many moments. Many moments because we talk about Bodhisattva vows and helping others and what you’re doing when you deliberately try to help others is you’re moving out of a comfort zone. It’s very comfortable just to think about yourself or a couple of people, right? When you deliberately decide to expand that and help others, it’s not going to be easy, and it requires a determination to keep going. It’s much easier just to shrink back and just think about yourself. So yeah, there were many moments because it’s exhausting. Especially fundraising, and it’s very awkward as a person, somebody in monastics, you feel like you’re going, oh, please. Can you give a charity some money? That’s kind of awkward in robes, right? So there’ve been many moments, but I’m really pleased I’ve continued and I can’t really believe what we’ve achieved now, and I’m so grateful that so many people have been inspired by what I’ve done, and they have wanted to support me because if they hadn’t, then I wouldn’t have been able to do all of this.

[00:06:08] Emma Slade: It’s been a big job, but when you help others, when you expand that space of your mind, you can rest easy. A lot of mental peacefulness doesn’t just come from meditating or something.

[00:06:20] Emma Slade: It has a great benefit to the mind from broadening it with compassion.

[00:06:25] Cheryl: I have two questions. When it gets really hard, what is one thing that motivates you to keep going in terms of the charity? And secondly, what motivates you to keep holding onto the Bodhisattva vow?

[00:06:37] Emma Slade: Generally, walking a Buddhist path with all its practices and obstacles and integrity, you know, it is not easy. The other day I was going up a mountain in Bhutan to find my teacher who was quite high up in a mountain in Bhutan and it was so hot and the mountain was so steep and I was trying to get there on time and my legs were really feeling it.

[00:07:02] Emma Slade: And then you just have to remember all the tales of the Tibetan masters, like Milarepa had to do so many things to find their teacher, had to travel so far to gain teachings, etc. So I think generally in the Himalayan Buddhism, which I know the most about. You’ll see that lots of true practitioners actually had to struggle and work with a lot of determination to follow their path.

[00:07:27] Emma Slade: And your second question was not to give up on the Bodhisattva vow. So when we look at the Bodhisattva vow, we have the aspiration to help all beings and achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. Now, there’s nothing to stop your mind wishing that all the time, there’s no obstacle to it other than your own mental poisons, self clinging, distraction, worldly activity, etc.

[00:07:51] Emma Slade: The aspiration. You can never lose as long as you pay a bit of attention to it. Putting that into action is the tricky bit, but as long, even if you are in a stage where it’s hard to apply it, you just draw back and recall that aspiration. So the mind is never losing that connection with the wish to become a Bodhisattva.

[00:08:12] Emma Slade: We take our refuge and Bodhicitta vow every day. And so I think repeating those words, hearing your own voice, say those words out loud, echoing back into your consciousness, that’s important if you want to keep going at it.

[00:00:00] Emma Slade: We can’t expect ourselves to act as if we’re enlightened beings when we are not yet. Like we drive a Ferrari when we are only capable of riding a bike. It’s just a bonkers expectation.

[00:00:11] Cheryl: If you think you’re not suffering, think again.

[00:00:14] Cheryl: Welcome to the Handful of Leaves Podcast. My name is Cheryl, and today I’m joined by Emma Slade also known as Ani Pema Deki.

[00:00:22] Cheryl: Emma Slade is a Buddhist nun, author and founder of Opening Your Heart to Bhutan, a charity supporting hundreds of children with special needs. She’s now preparing to walk the Wild Bhutan Trail, 37 days solo across mountains and valleys to raise funds for these children who inspire her resilience.

[00:00:41] Cheryl: Let’s begin.

[00:00:47] Cheryl: Can you share with us more about your work with the special needs children there?

[00:00:50] Emma Slade: So I set up my UK registered charity Opening Your Heart to Bhutan 10 years ago. And that was very linked to my practice and my integrity as a Buddhist monastic, because I’d mainly studied the teachings and selflessness of compassion.

[00:01:05] Emma Slade: And then certain circumstances arose in Bhutan and really propelled me to help children with special needs in Bhutan or in very difficult circumstances. And it did feel like, okay, you studied all this compassion and you developed. So it felt definitely directly related to my practice.

[00:01:24] Emma Slade: So we’ve helped hundreds of children now in Bhutan. We’ve played a big part in building the first purpose-built special needs school. I was doing this walk across Bhutan for 37 days, to hopefully raise a big amount of money to secure the future of the school and the children in it. It’s 37 days, 12 mountain passes, 6 climate zones, and 403 kilometers. And then after that i’m not, I’m not walking anywhere after that.

[00:01:51] Cheryl: What were some stories making you have such affinity with special needs children?

[00:01:59] Emma Slade: As you know, I was held hostage in that hotel room in Jakarta. And when I was held hostage, I felt so physically trapped and so unable to have any autonomy about my body. And so I think when I encountered a girl in Southern Bhutan 11 years ago or whatever it was, the feeling of the lack of autonomy had a big impact on me.

[00:02:23] Emma Slade: I could empathize, it’s just very humbling to be around children like that. I’ve been very lucky with my opportunities, my skills that seem to be… have come quite easily to me in this life, right?

[00:02:36] Emma Slade: And so when things come easily to us, we tend to not see them very clearly. We don’t think, oh wow, I’ve managed to walk or cross the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. Some of these children that I spend time with, to walk across the kitchen to make a coffee is a big achievement and requires huge patience, requires huge determination. I just have so much admiration for their achievements. They don’t give up. I think I would just go, oh, this is just too hard. I would give up. So there’s something about that that I find very moving and it makes me want to support them. Want to help them achieve things, help them have a meaningful life.

[00:03:16] Cheryl: Would you like to share also one of the achievements that really touches your heart till today?

[00:03:21] Emma Slade: We had a boy in the Eastern school who had a physical condition, which meant he walked on his knees. Just think about that for a moment.

[00:03:29] Emma Slade: We looked into, could we give him some operation? It’s very complicated because a lot of the medical solutions, they would cause other problems. Anyway, he was the most positive charge you’re ever gonna meet. He played cricket on his knees, he was like batting, he would play football on his knees. And somebody came to visit the school, and they were just completely inspired by him. And so they did lots of little videos about him, and the Paralympics people picked it up in Bhutan.

[00:03:58] Emma Slade: And he is now training for the Paralympics to represent Bhutan. His spirit was absolutely incredible. I think most people would just give up on life and be completely depressed, and he was the most enthusiastic, positive, positive child. And now this great opportunity has come his way.

[00:04:17] Cheryl: It makes me so happy to hear that.

[00:04:19] Emma Slade: It just shows you the power of your mindset. His mental suffering, his attitude to his physical suffering could have been just so negative, but due to his response to his physical situation, it was incredible. It’s a big Buddhist teaching right there.

[00:04:36] Cheryl: Absolutely. Yeah. And I recall in our past conversation, we were talking about what do you think make Bhutanese people happy? And you mentioned it was their resilience.

[00:04:47] Emma Slade: Yeah. They are very resilient, very resilient people. They stick together and they support each other when things get tough. And I think that’s part of their resilience as individuals, but also as communities, when things get tough, they really pull together. I think that’s very interesting.

[00:05:05] Cheryl: In the 11 years where you’re working on this school, was there a moment where you felt like actually wanting to give up?

[00:05:14] Emma Slade: Oh, yeah. Many moments. Many moments because we talk about Bodhisattva vows and helping others and what you’re doing when you deliberately try to help others is you’re moving out of a comfort zone. It’s very comfortable just to think about yourself or a couple of people, right? When you deliberately decide to expand that and help others, it’s not going to be easy, and it requires a determination to keep going. It’s much easier just to shrink back and just think about yourself. So yeah, there were many moments because it’s exhausting.

[00:05:42] Emma Slade: Especially fundraising, and it’s very awkward as a person, somebody in monastics, you feel like you’re going, oh, please. Can you give a charity some money? That’s kind of awkward in robes, right? So there’ve been many moments, but I’m really pleased I’ve continued and I can’t really believe what we’ve achieved now, and I’m so grateful that so many people have been inspired by what I’ve done, and they have wanted to support me because if they hadn’t, then I wouldn’t have been able to do all of this.

[00:06:08] Emma Slade: It’s been a big job, but when you help others, when you expand that space of your mind, you can rest easy. A lot of mental peacefulness doesn’t just come from meditating or something. It has a great benefit to the mind from broadening it with compassion.

[00:06:25] Cheryl: I have two questions. When it gets really hard, what is one thing that motivates you to keep going in terms of the charity?

[00:06:32] Cheryl: And secondly, what motivates you to keep holding onto the Bodhisattva vow?

[00:06:37] Emma Slade: Generally, walking a Buddhist path with all its practices and obstacles and integrity, you know, it is not easy. The other day I was going up a mountain in Bhutan to find my teacher who was quite high up in a mountain in Bhutan and it was so hot and the mountain was so steep and I was trying to get there on time and my legs were really feeling it. And then you just have to remember all the tales of the Tibetan masters, like Milarepa had to do so many things to find their teacher, had to travel so far to gain teachings, etc.

[00:07:14] Emma Slade: So I think generally in the Himalayan Buddhism, which I know the most about. You’ll see that lots of true practitioners actually had to struggle and work with a lot of determination to follow their path.

[00:07:27] Emma Slade: And your second question was not to give up on the Bodhisattva vow. So when we look at the Bodhisattva vow, we have the aspiration to help all beings and achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. Now, there’s nothing to stop your mind wishing that all the time, there’s no obstacle to it other than your own mental poisons, self clinging, distraction, worldly activity, etc.

[00:07:51] Emma Slade: The aspiration. You can never lose as long as you pay a bit of attention to it. Putting that into action is the tricky bit, but as long, even if you are in a stage where it’s hard to apply it, you just draw back and recall that aspiration. So the mind is never losing that connection with the wish to become a Bodhisattva.

[00:08:12] Emma Slade: We take our refuge and Bodhicitta vow every day. And so I think repeating those words, hearing your own voice, say those words out loud, echoing back into your consciousness, that’s important if you want to keep going at it.

[00:08:30] Cheryl: Thank you so much for sharing. And it, I think it’s really true that the challenge is really in turning it into action. And for me personally, sometimes I feel, oh, it’s so hard to help people. They don’t wanna be helped.

[00:08:47] Cheryl: And a lot of determination comes in to continue.

[00:08:50] Emma Slade: What would be a situation where you found that?

[00:08:55] Cheryl: So for example, with helping a sibling, where they’re very stuck in unwholesome actions that are unbeneficial for them and having to choose kindness over temper. And having to do that again and again so that I can plant the seeds of wholesomeness.

[00:09:11] Emma Slade: I would say that one has to be skillful with seeing the situation clearly. So if there’s a sibling or whatever who actually really doesn’t want to be dragged towards virtuous activity, and it might even create more resentment between the two people, then one has to be skillful and realize, okay, this is not the right moment, or this is not the right way of saying it.

[00:09:34] Emma Slade: You can always have the prayers, the aspirations for them. But I think it’s usually best to treat another adult as an adult. And if you kind of take the role of telling them what to do and this is best and they’re doing it wrong, people’s threat mechanism in the back part of their brain will be alerted and you’ll become an enemy to them.

[00:09:53] Emma Slade: They’ll get defensive and then they won’t hear. They just literally will go like, like this. Right. So you know, when we talk about skillful means as well as wisdom, when it comes to sharing the Dharma, wishing to help others, we have to be skillful in how we do that.

[00:10:10] Cheryl: Can you share more about what it means to be skillful?

[00:10:12] Emma Slade: So you have to listen well. Use your empathy. Are you pushing something on somebody that they don’t want to hear it? And it might create conflict and disharmony between you.

[00:10:23] Emma Slade: In Buddhist text, we’ll see this example of seeing whether the mind is like an open cup. Open to receiving teachings, whether it’s a cup with a hole at the bottom, so the teachings just go right through. Or whether it’s a cup that’s closed, so nothing’s gonna go in. So I think it’s useful to, when we think about skillfully communicating with others around the Dharma just to see, okay, what kind of cup am I looking at here?

[00:10:49] Cheryl: Oh, that’s a powerful analogy. Always checking to see what’s the status of the cup right now.

[00:10:54] Emma Slade: And they’re not blaming the person for whatever reason the cup is still like this right now. And then also it’s a waste of your energy and time. Also for yourself, are you the kind of student that attends lots of teachings, but then two weeks later you can’t remember anything? It just went through you. So it’s also useful for your own reflections.

[00:11:12] Cheryl: Yeah. Yeah, A lot of times, it all starts from a good place, but when it’s mixed with not the skillful way of executing or doing it, then sometimes the results are, are not good as well.

[00:11:26] Emma Slade: There’s two ways of looking at that from a karmic point of view. If the intention is really clean and pure, then that’s the most important thing, right? We can have a very good intention. And then that intention, comes into the interconnected web of suffering, which is samsara, and it kind of goes a bit wrong. But Buddhism really emphasizes to keep with those clean intentions, keep coming back to them.

[00:11:50] Emma Slade: Until we are enlightened, it may be a bit messy in the application. We have to recognize where we are right now and be understanding of that. And so it’s always worth thinking, “Compared to a year ago, am I dealing with this person more skillfully than a year back?”

[00:12:07] Emma Slade: “I may not be dealing with them perfectly, but is, is it going in the right direction?”

[00:12:12] Emma Slade: We can’t expect ourselves to act as if we’re enlightened beings when we are not yet. Like we drive a Ferrari when we are only capable of riding a bike. It’s just a bonkers expectation, tempting as it is. So we have to see clearly the situation, but also our own situation, our mind now.

[00:12:32] Cheryl: I love that analogy.

[00:12:35] Emma Slade: Reality is such an important place. Our own perception of whether we are suffering or not is quite important, because good qualities β€” loving kindness, compassion, empathy β€” will need to arise from how deeply our understanding of suffering is.

[00:12:54] Emma Slade: Whether from knowing it in our own life or observing it in others, and often we will have quite a narrow definition of suffering actually. So some forms of suffering are very obvious and they’re mostly to do with the physical form, right? But when we look at suffering from a Buddhist point of view, it’s much more likely to be a mental state of suffering. Once we are open to a broader definition of suffering, then our relationship with compassion to ourselves and others will definitely deepen and become more profound.

[00:13:27] Emma Slade: The Buddha sometimes he’s called the first psychologist, isn’t he? Because he really looked at suffering as a mental state, arising from our response to things or rising from our understanding of reality.

[00:13:40] Emma Slade: That means that with greater understanding, and study and the courage to really look at that process of what goes on in our mental responses that leads to suffering. That means we can also change it. It’s very important to be able to recognize one’s own state of suffering. It’s not failure, the Buddha said that, we really have to understand the truth of suffering.

[00:14:02] Cheryl: I would love to go back to walking the wild Bhutan trail. How are you preparing?

[00:14:07] Emma Slade: Oh my goodness. Don’t even ask me that. I’m doing a lot of retreat and so mentally I feel I’m very strong. But physically, I’m nearly 59, right? I may be mad. I just have a strong belief that I can do it and I I must do it for the children.

[00:14:23] Cheryl: And, and is there one key message that you would like people who are following your trail to take away?

[00:14:31] Emma Slade: If you are going to help others, you have to stretch yourself outside your comfort zone.

[00:14:36] Cheryl: That’s beautiful. And how, how can we follow with you?

[00:14:40] Emma Slade: You’ll be able to follow me on Facebook and Instagram under Emma Slade. You can look at the charity website openingyourhearttobhutan.com that has the campaign for the walk and, if people can donate the price of a meal or an outfit or a holiday, they can donate. If they want to come and join me, and do some fundraising for it, then they should get in touch.

[00:15:00] Cheryl: And what would success look like for you?

[00:15:02] Emma Slade: Getting to East Bhutan will be the first thing. Getting there alive, not being eaten by a bear and kinda like not falling down anywhere. I’d like to raise a minimum a 100,000 pounds because it will secure the future of the school for over two years. Fundraising is never easy. And right now I know things are quite turbulent in the world, and usually when things are turbulent and uncertain, people become fearful.

[00:15:32] Emma Slade: And when people are fearful, we know from neuroscience, let alone Buddhist studies, that they retract, right? They shrink into themselves. So it takes particular Bodhisattva motivation to keep that wide compassion at times like this, I think.

Full Transcript

[00:00:00] Emma Slade: We can’t expect ourselves to act as if we’re enlightened beings when we are not yet. Like we drive a Ferrari when we are only capable of riding a bike. It’s just a bonkers expectation.

[00:00:11] Cheryl: If you think you’re not suffering, think again.

[00:00:14] Cheryl: Welcome to the Handful of Leaves Podcast. My name is Cheryl, and today I’m joined by Emma Slade also known as Ani Pema Deki.

[00:00:22] Cheryl: Emma Slade is a Buddhist nun, author and founder of Opening Your Heart to Bhutan, a charity supporting hundreds of children with special needs. She’s now preparing to walk the Wild Bhutan Trail, 37 days solo across mountains and valleys to raise funds for these children who inspire her resilience.

[00:00:41] Cheryl: Let’s begin.

[00:00:47] Cheryl: Can you share with us more about your work with the special needs children there?

[00:00:50] Emma Slade: So I set up my UK registered charity Opening Your Heart to Bhutan 10 years ago. And that was very linked to my practice and my integrity as a Buddhist monastic, because I’d mainly studied the teachings and selflessness of compassion.

[00:01:05] Emma Slade: And then certain circumstances arose in Bhutan and really propelled me to help children with special needs in Bhutan or in very difficult circumstances. And it did feel like, okay, you studied all this compassion and you developed. So it felt definitely directly related to my practice.

[00:01:24] Emma Slade: So we’ve helped hundreds of children now in Bhutan. We’ve played a big part in building the first purpose-built special needs school. I was doing this walk across Bhutan for 37 days, to hopefully raise a big amount of money to secure the future of the school and the children in it. It’s 37 days, 12 mountain passes, 6 climate zones, and 403 kilometers. And then after that I’m not, I’m not walking anywhere after that.

[00:01:51] Cheryl: What were some stories making you have such affinity with special needs children?

[00:01:59] Emma Slade: As you know, I was held hostage in that hotel room in Jakarta. And when I was held hostage, I felt so physically trapped and so unable to have any autonomy about my body. And so I think when I encountered a girl in Southern Bhutan 11 years ago or whatever it was, the feeling of the lack of autonomy had a big impact on me.

[00:02:23] Emma Slade: I could empathize, it’s just very humbling to be around children like that. I’ve been very lucky with my opportunities, my skills that seem to be… have come quite easily to me in this life, right? And so when things come easily to us, we tend to not see them very clearly. We don’t think, oh wow, I’ve managed to walk or cross the kitchen to get a cup of coffee.

[00:02:46] Emma Slade: Some of these children that I spend time with, to walk across the kitchen to make a coffee is a big achievement and requires huge patience, requires huge determination. I just have so much admiration for their achievements. They don’t give up. I think I would just go, oh, this is just too hard. I would give up. So there’s something about that that I find very moving and it makes me want to support them. Want to help them achieve things, help them have a meaningful life.

[00:03:16] Cheryl: Would you like to share also one of the achievements that really touches your heart till today?

[00:03:21] Emma Slade: We had a boy in the Eastern school who had a physical condition, which meant he walked on his knees. Just think about that for a moment. We looked into, could we give him some operation? It’s very complicated because a lot of the medical solutions, they would cause other problems.

[00:03:38] Emma Slade: Anyway, he was the most positive charge you’re ever gonna meet. He played cricket on his knees, he was like batting, he would play football on his knees. And somebody came to visit the school, and they were just completely inspired by him. And so they did lots of little videos about him, and the Paralympics people picked it up in Bhutan.

[00:03:58] Emma Slade: And he is now training for the Paralympics to represent Bhutan. His spirit was absolutely incredible. I think most people would just give up on life and be completely depressed, and he was the most enthusiastic, positive, positive child. And now this great opportunity has come his way.

[00:04:17] Cheryl: It makes me so happy to hear that.

[00:04:19] Emma Slade: It just shows you the power of your mindset. His mental suffering, his attitude to his physical suffering could have been just so negative, but due to his response to his physical situation, it was incredible. It’s a big Buddhist teaching right there.

[00:04:36] Cheryl: Absolutely. Yeah. And I recall in our past conversation, we were talking about what do you think make Bhutanese people happy? And you mentioned it was their resilience.

[00:04:47] Emma Slade: Yeah. They are very resilient, very resilient people. They stick together and they support each other when things get tough. And I think that’s part of their resilience as individuals, but also as communities, when things get tough, they really pull together. I think that’s very interesting.

[00:05:05] Cheryl: In the 11 years where you’re working on this school, was there a moment where you felt like actually wanting to give up?

[00:05:14] Emma Slade: Oh, yeah. Many moments. Many moments because we talk about Bodhisattva vows and helping others and what you’re doing when you deliberately try to help others is you’re moving out of a comfort zone. It’s very comfortable just to think about yourself or a couple of people, right? When you deliberately decide to expand that and help others, it’s not going to be easy, and it requires a determination to keep going. It’s much easier just to shrink back and just think about yourself. So yeah, there were many moments because it’s exhausting.

[00:05:42] Emma Slade: Especially fundraising, and it’s very awkward as a person, somebody in monastics, you feel like you’re going, oh, please. Can you give a charity some money? That’s kind of awkward in robes, right? So there’ve been many moments, but I’m really pleased I’ve continued and I can’t really believe what we’ve achieved now, and I’m so grateful that so many people have been inspired by what I’ve done, and they have wanted to support me because if they hadn’t, then I wouldn’t have been able to do all of this.

[00:06:08] Emma Slade: It’s been a big job, but when you help others, when you expand that space of your mind, you can rest easy. A lot of mental peacefulness doesn’t just come from meditating or something. It has a great benefit to the mind from broadening it with compassion.

[00:06:25] Cheryl: I have two questions. When it gets really hard, what is one thing that motivates you to keep going in terms of the charity? And secondly, what motivates you to keep holding onto the Bodhisattva vow?

[00:06:37] Emma Slade: Generally, walking a Buddhist path with all its practices and obstacles and integrity, you know, it is not easy. The other day I was going up a mountain in Bhutan to find my teacher who was quite high up in a mountain in Bhutan and it was so hot and the mountain was so steep and I was trying to get there on time and my legs were really feeling it.

[00:07:02] Emma Slade: And then you just have to remember all the tales of the Tibetan masters, like Milarepa had to do so many things to find their teacher, had to travel so far to gain teachings, etc. So I think generally in the Himalayan Buddhism, which I know the most about. You’ll see that lots of true practitioners actually had to struggle and work with a lot of determination to follow their path.

[00:07:27] Emma Slade: And your second question was not to give up on the Bodhisattva vow. So when we look at the Bodhisattva vow, we have the aspiration to help all beings and achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. Now, there’s nothing to stop your mind wishing that all the time, there’s no obstacle to it other than your own mental poisons, self clinging, distraction, worldly activity, etc.

[00:07:51] Emma Slade: The aspiration. You can never lose as long as you pay a bit of attention to it. Putting that into action is the tricky bit, but as long, even if you are in a stage where it’s hard to apply it, you just draw back and recall that aspiration. So the mind is never losing that connection with the wish to become a Bodhisattva.

[00:08:12] Emma Slade: We take our refuge and Bodhicitta vow every day. And so I think repeating those words, hearing your own voice, say those words out loud, echoing back into your consciousness, that’s important if you want to keep going at it.

[00:08:30] Cheryl: Thank you so much for sharing. And it, I think it’s really true that the challenge is really in turning it into action. And for me personally, sometimes I feel, oh, it’s so hard to help people. They don’t wanna be helped. And a lot of determination comes in to continue.

[00:08:50] Emma Slade: What would be a situation where you found that?

[00:08:55] Cheryl: So for example, with helping a sibling, where they’re very stuck in unwholesome actions that are unbeneficial for them and having to choose kindness over temper. And having to do that again and again so that I can plant the seeds of wholesomeness.

[00:09:11] Emma Slade: I would say that one has to be skillful with seeing the situation clearly. So if there’s a sibling or whatever who actually really doesn’t want to be dragged towards virtuous activity, and it might even create more resentment between the two people, then one has to be skillful and realize, okay, this is not the right moment, or this is not the right way of saying it.

[00:09:34] Emma Slade: You can always have the prayers, the aspirations for them. But I think it’s usually best to treat another adult as an adult. And if you kind of take the role of telling them what to do and this is best and they’re doing it wrong, people’s threat mechanism in the back part of their brain will be alerted and you’ll become an enemy to them.

[00:09:53] Emma Slade: They’ll get defensive and then they won’t hear. They just literally will go like, like this. Right. So you know, when we talk about skillful means as well as wisdom, when it comes to sharing the Dharma, wishing to help others, we have to be skillful in how we do that.

[00:10:10] Cheryl: Can you share more about what it means to be skillful?

[00:10:12] Emma Slade: So you have to listen well. Use your empathy. Are you pushing something on somebody that they don’t want to hear it? And it might create conflict and disharmony between you.

[00:10:23] Emma Slade: In Buddhist text, we’ll see this example of seeing whether the mind is like an open cup. Open to receiving teachings, whether it’s a cup with a hole at the bottom, so the teachings just go right through. Or whether it’s a cup that’s closed, so nothing’s gonna go in. So I think it’s useful to, when we think about skillfully communicating with others around the Dharma just to see, okay, what kind of cup am I looking at here?

[00:10:49] Cheryl: Oh, that’s a powerful analogy. Always checking to see what’s the status of the cup right now.

[00:10:54] Emma Slade: And they’re not blaming the person for whatever reason the cup is still like this right now. And then also it’s a waste of your energy and time. Also for yourself, are you the kind of student that attends lots of teachings, but then two weeks later you can’t remember anything? It just went through you. So it’s also useful for your own reflections.

[00:11:12] Cheryl: Yeah. Yeah, A lot of times, it all starts from a good place, but when it’s mixed with not the skillful way of executing or doing it, then sometimes the results are, are not good as well.

[00:11:26] Emma Slade: There’s two ways of looking at that from a karmic point of view. If the intention is really clean and pure, then that’s the most important thing, right? We can have a very good intention. And then that intention, comes into the interconnected web of suffering, which is samsara, and it kind of goes a bit wrong. But Buddhism really emphasizes to keep with those clean intentions, keep coming back to them.

[00:11:50] Emma Slade: Until we are enlightened, it may be a bit messy in the application. We have to recognize where we are right now and be understanding of that. And so it’s always worth thinking, “compared to a year ago, am I dealing with this person more skillfully than a year back?”

[00:12:07] Emma Slade: “I may not be dealing with them perfectly, but is, is it going in the right direction?”

[00:12:12] Emma Slade: We can’t expect ourselves to act as if we’re enlightened beings when we are not yet. Like we drive a Ferrari when we are only capable of riding a bike. It’s just a bonkers expectation, tempting as it is. So we have to see clearly the situation, but also our own situation, our mind now.

[00:12:32] Cheryl: I love that analogy.

[00:12:35] Emma Slade: Reality is such an important place. Our own perception of whether we are suffering or not is quite important, because good qualities β€” loving kindness, compassion, empathy β€” will need to arise from how deeply our understanding of suffering is.

[00:12:54] Emma Slade: Whether from knowing it in our own life or observing it in others, and often we will have quite a narrow definition of suffering actually. So some forms of suffering are very obvious and they’re mostly to do with the physical form, right? But when we look at suffering from a Buddhist point of view, it’s much more likely to be a mental state of suffering. Once we are open to a broader definition of suffering, then our relationship with compassion to ourselves and others will definitely deepen and become more profound.

[00:13:27] Emma Slade: The Buddha sometimes he’s called the first psychologist, isn’t he? Because he really looked at suffering as a mental state, arising from our response to things or rising from our understanding of reality.

[00:13:40] Emma Slade: That means that with greater understanding, and study and the courage to really look at that process of what goes on in our mental responses that leads to suffering. That means we can also change it. It’s very important to be able to recognize one’s own state of suffering. It’s not failure, the Buddha said that, we really have to understand the truth of suffering.

[00:14:02] Cheryl: I would love to go back to walking the wild Bhutan trail. How are you preparing?

[00:14:07] Emma Slade: Oh my goodness. Don’t even ask me that. I’m doing a lot of retreat and so mentally I feel I’m very strong. But physically, I’m nearly 59, right? I may be mad. I just have a strong belief that I can do it and I must do it for the children.

[00:14:23] Cheryl: And, and is there one key message that you would like people who are following your trail to take away?

[00:14:31] Emma Slade: If you are going to help others, you have to stretch yourself outside your comfort zone.

[00:14:36] Cheryl: That’s beautiful. And how, how can we follow with you?

[00:14:40] Emma Slade: You’ll be able to follow me on Facebook and Instagram under Emma Slade. You can look at the charity website openingyourhearttobhutan.com that has the campaign for the walk and, if people can donate the price of a meal or an outfit or a holiday, they can donate. If they want to come and join me, and do some fundraising for it, then they should get in touch.

[00:15:00] Cheryl: And what would success look like for you?

[00:15:02] Emma Slade: Getting to East Bhutan will be the first thing. Getting there alive, not being eaten by a bear and kinda like not falling down anywhere. I’d like to raise a minimum of Β£100,000 because it will secure the future of the school for over two years. Fundraising is never easy. And right now I know things are quite turbulent in the world, and usually when things are turbulent and uncertain, people become fearful.

[00:15:32] Emma Slade: And when people are fearful, we know from neuroscience, let alone Buddhist studies, that they retract, right? They shrink into themselves. So it takes particular Bodhisattva motivation to keep that wide compassion at times like this, I think.


Resources:

Lopen Ani Pema Deki (Emma Slade)’s website – https://www.emmaslade.com/

Lopen Ani Pema Deki (Emma Slade)’s charity fundraiser – https://www.openingyourhearttobhutan.com/

Facebook/Instagram: @openingyourhearttobhutan_

More about her journey being held at gunpoint:Β My Path To Becoming A Buddhist | Emma Slade | TEDxSevenoaksSchool


Special thanks to our sponsors:

Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, SuΓ±Γ±a, Shuo Mei, Arif, Bernice, Wee Teck, Andrew Yam, Kan Rong Hui, Wei Li Quek, Shirley Shen, Ezra, Joanne Chan, Hsien Li Siaw, Gillian Ang, Wang Shiow Mei, Ong Chye Chye, Melvin, Yoke Kuen, Nai Kai Lee, Amelia Toh, Hannah Law, Shin Hui Chong, Dennis Lee

πŸ™ Sponsor us: https://handfulofleaves.life/support/


Editors and Transcribers of this episode:

Hong Jiayi, Tan Si Jing, Bernice Bay, Cheryl Cheah


Visual and Sound Effects

Anton Thorne, Tan Pei Shan, Ang You Shan


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From Om to I Do: 8 Tips for a Mindful Buddhist Wedding

From Om to I Do: 8 Tips for a Mindful Buddhist Wedding

TLDR: How can one plan a ‘Buddhist’ wedding in Singapore / Malaysia? Angela shares on how she approached her wedding planning while balancing cultural/societal expectations. Here are 8 tips for a smooth planning process

Planning a wedding can be overwhelming. Planning a Buddhist wedding can be even more daunting. After all, Buddha has never explicitly taught how to plan a wedding. Where do we begin? How much is too much?

After ticking off the bigger tasks like venue, guests list and objectives of the celebration, my partner and I started to brainstorm on Buddhist elements for our wedding. Initially, we wanted to include a Dhamma talk by a renowned Dhamma speaker and a guided meditation session. 

We were apprehensive. Apprehensive because we were concerned that our guests from other religions may not be comfortable.

In addition, we were faced with limited time on our wedding programme flow. In the end, we decided to explore more covert ways of creating a Buddhist wedding.

Through relating to the Buddha’s core teachings, we incorporated values of gratitude, giving and the recollection of the triple gems into our wedding. We have put together 8 tried and tested tips that will help you make your wedding more Dhamma-centric.

1. Incorporate giving back to society in your wedding programme

Author and her partner share about how the angbaos will go to charity
Credits: Lovemetender films

Giving is one of those gifts that keep giving. You can embody the quality of giving in different ways

For example, purchasing your door gifts from a social enterprise or setting aside some of your wedding hong bao for donation to the charity of your choice. 

For our wedding solemnisation, my partner and I purchased honey jars from HoneySpree in support of underprivileged stay-at-home mums to empower them with financial independence. We also donated to Buddhist organisations and a hospice. Sharing that with our guests during the wedding made many smiles as we ended the celebration. When you spread the joy of your wedding celebrations through giving, more can benefit beyond your guest list.

2. Remove the non-essentials

Letting go is even more important than adding on. Identify what are your top 3 priorities and what are the 3 non-essentials in your wedding. For our wedding, my partner and I removed the cake-cutting ceremony as we could not resonate with the symbolic act of cutting a fake cake (non-essential). 

We channelled the time saved to meeting and chatting with our guests (priority).

Identifying what are your priorities and non-essentials will help you focus your effort and money on what matters the most to both of you on your big day. For us, it was being present with our guests instead of rushing from table to table.

If you or your partner feels strongly against one or more of your non-essential, have an open chat and come to a consensus before you continue your planning. For us having a wedding planner, Pei Weddings, was helpful in mediating and helping us find common ground when we could not do it ourselves.

Our wedding planner, Pei Yi, helped remind us not to get carried away by the non-essentials and instead refocus on what is important. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness!

3. Replace champagne pouring with non-alcoholic option

Pouring tea instead of champange 
Credits: Lovemetender films

Learning to say no is a sign of wisdom and maturity. In a typical Chinese wedding banquet, drinking alcohol and champagne pouring traditionally represent laughter and happiness. 

As practising Buddhists who keep our 5 precepts, one of these training principles is to abstain from drinking alcohol. The intent of this precept is to retain our mindfulness and avoid wrong speech and unwholesome actions that could result from consuming alcohol. Thus, protecting oneself from regret and remorse. 

My partner and I requested to replace the bottle of complementary champagne with a pot of tea. Funnily, as I typed this, I recalled how the hotel manager double then triple-confirmed with us as this is her first time receiving this request. 

We firmly proceeded to replace the alcohol with tea. The outcome was well received. Many of our guests found this segment on δ»₯θŒΆδ»£ι…’ very intentional yet not imposing our values on them.

4.     Carve out time to give a Gratitude Speech

A thank-you speech is meaningful when it is personalised and well thought through. Use the speech to express your gratitude to your family and friends who meant a lot to you

If you are like me, who is worried about tearing up while giving my speech (and ruining the bridal makeup), you may want to consider recording your speech and screening the video on the actual day. 

It will take a lot more time and effort to film and edit the video, but it ensures you cover all grounds in terms of listing everyone you are grateful for.

5.     Recite a sutta that resonates with you

Suttas are the teachings of the Buddha and reciting sutta at a wedding gives your guests and yourself an opportunity to reflect on the Buddha’s teachings (bonus benefit: reciting sutta helps to calm you down!). 

We recited our favourite sutta Khp 5: Mangala Sutta (we engraved that sutta on our wedding rings too!). We were fortunate as Venerable You Guang, our esteemed wedding guest, not only made time for our wedding but initiated to lead the recitation of the sutta. 

Venerable You Guang went the extra mile to explain what the sutta means. I remembered feeling extremely joyous after the recitation. If reciting sutta feels too much for you, you may want to consider extracting quotes (try the Dhammapada!) from your favourite sutta and weaving the quotes into your speech or decorations.

Author and her partner chanting the mangala sutta
Credits: Lovemetender films

 

6.     Invite a Buddhist Solemniser

A good solemniser is important, not just in officiating your marriage, but in giving marriage advice and setting the tone for your solemnisation. If you are looking to engage a Buddhist Solemniser, you may wish to contact Bro Henry Baey (Baey Seng Kah), Sis Foo Siew Fong and Venerable You Guang, to name a few. 

Having a solemniser that reminds you of the Buddha’s teachings as you say your vows was memorable as opposed to going through the typical signing of documents with template passages.

7.     Make vegetarian meals the default, and provide an option for meat

Every good story needs a villain, and vegetarianism is always cast into this role. My partner, who is a vegetarian, wanted to celebrate our marriage with minimal killing of animals. 

I supported his cause in raising awareness of the positive impact of vegetarianism.

For our wedding banquet, we took a bold move to make the vegetarian option the default while providing guests with the option to opt-out and consume meat. 

At the end of the banquet, we informed guests of the carbon footprint we reduced simply from their intentional choice to eat vegetarian. This helps to reinforce the positive impact of vegetarianism and that we can celebrate without sacrificing the lives of animals.

8.     Take things one step at a time: present moment

Amid running all the tasks and errands, don’t forget that we are human beings and not human doing. Being here and now, helps us to reset when the planning gets overwhelming. 

Learn to break big tasks into smaller tasks and take things one step at a time. I remembered feeling so burnt out 4 weeks before the wedding and my attitude then was β€œI can’t wait to get this over and done with” (aversion towards the present moment and living in the future). 

Fortunately, my wise friend reminded me to control what I can control and let go of those beyond my control.

This helped me to reset and return to the present moment. It helps to take a break from the wedding planning, and do things that recharge you, before returning to the wedding planning.

My partner and I also gave ourselves mindful breaks in the hotel rest area for us to refresh our minds before the programme’s next segment. This ensured that we were mindful and fully present.

 Author & her partner pausing between each segment.
Credits: Author’s maid of honour who captured this moment

9.     Cheeky bonus: revise ζ—©η”Ÿθ΄΅ε­ to ζ—©ζ—₯η’Ύη›˜

At our third toast (yum seng), instead of wishing the couple the welcoming of babies (ζ—©η”Ÿθ΄΅ε­), our emcee who is a practising Buddhist switched it up and wished us an opportunity to gain enlightenment (ζ—©ζ—₯η’Ύη›˜). If you know, you know.

         At the end of the day, there is no rite or wrong. A beautiful wedding is one where the newlywed comes together harmoniously and lives the virtues of the triple gems. This leaves you with 3 rings: an engagement ring, a wedding ring and caring. Blessed marriage to you!

Charity used to be a burden as I felt like I couldn’t afford it.

Charity used to be a burden as I felt like I couldn’t afford it.

TLDR: Being charitable is not just about giving money and help to the needy. Charity is a form of giving to those around us and it is not just about material help. So, what is the true meaning of giving?

Everyone in our world practices charity but many may not know they do. The type of charity we do is described in the Cambridge dictionary as “help, especially in the form of money given freely to people in need because they are ill, poor or have no home”. According to this meaning of charity, it is the form of giving money to those in need. We can say most of us in Asia give money to support our families in their times of difficulty or for general daily living expenses.

Although the word charity is often used as a form of helping those in financial need, I would like to expand the meaning of charity to include giving in ways other than financial help.

Charity as a Burden

I grew up in a poor family where my father has no sense of financial know-how. Money slips through my father’s hands easily and we never had more than enough other than for food and the rental HDB two-bedroom flat we lived in.

My mum fell ill and incurred high hospital bills. Her siblings had to chip in to help. And I must say the general atmosphere was unpleasant. It felt like there was blame on my father for his incapability to support a family and my relatives’ financial difficulties and perhaps some unwillingness in their help.

My mum passed away and I remembered all these sorrows, the importance of money and wanting to be free from all of it. 

Yet there was this sense of responsibility in me that I had to chip in to pay for family expenses. I resented this Confucian society we live in where we have to be responsible even for irresponsible parents. I wished I had the freedom like those living in the West where they could go out and learn to be on their own without worrying about their parents as a young adult. I worshipped the Western ideals of freedom and liberty.

Volunteering at Charities

I found work to support myself and to give my dad some money. Also, the salary allowed me to half my home bills with my sister. Both of us went into the workforce early. Looking back, I realised there were little bills we had to pay for then. But the memory of my mum’s inadequate medical bills probably kept me going in a regular job. Also, even if I wanted to have the freedom to leave Singapore, I needed money.

Some people work for passion, some to support their families and others work because there’s nothing else to do. For me, it was a bit of passion and to give to my family.

Yet in my heart, I also wanted to give in other ways. So I volunteered at charity organizations. But my stint at these places never lasted, except for one year I made a vow to carry through with one organisation. 

Although I wanted to give, I felt unhappy. I didn’t understand how to give then. 

Now I understand I felt unhappy because my intention of giving was all about myself.

The Intention Behind Giving

When I gave to my family, I felt it was an obligation or a responsibility. When I gave my help to charities, I felt it could not satisfy my heart or bring me contentment. 

Perhaps I expected to bring some relief to those I helped, but what I did couldn’t help lift their hearts. 

I expected a thank you from my dad too for my giving, but I never did receive any.

It took me many years to realise that giving is not about fixing the other person’s problem or lifting their hearts at all. I did not see that years of carrying the sorrow of the existence of life did not lift my own heart even when others gave to me. 

Charity is a Choice

I felt no happiness in giving or receiving. After I began my studies and practice in Buddhist mindfulness, I realised that it isn’t necessary to be a problem solver or to lift someone’s mind if they don’t wish to be happy despite my help. I learnt that giving to my family or others is not a responsibility but rather, it is a choice I made.

If it is a choice I have made, why was I unhappy with my choice? No one forced me to be responsible even if they may expect me to be. 

I learnt that giving or helping someone is not about giving solutions. It is my willingness to make a choice to give my time and my happiness to others, even if they are unhappy or ungrateful.

I didn’t understand how to be happy by giving or helping. I realised many others did not see how being charitable can bring happiness. 

How to Really Give?

To most people, giving their time means they are losing their precious time. Giving materially means giving what they have in excess, not something they may need. 

True giving or charity is when we do not keep measuring our time or keep balancing the scale of what we have or do not have to give. 

Of course, it also does not mean we give excessively, and not take care of our own basic needs.

To truly give is to be present fully with the other person, pay attention to what they say, and attend to their needs. 

It may not be a big need, it can be small acts of kindness such as not correcting others’ mistakes by insisting we are right all the time.

Sometimes just being cheerful can infect others’ moods around us. Even if others aren’t in the best of moods, we need not let them affect us if we can be mindful enough.

How Being Charitable Can Bring Happiness?

How can we be happy by giving? The first thing to do is not to expect anything in return, not even a thank you. When we give, it is a choice we made and not others’ choice to be given. 

They are free to receive the gift, whether it is our time, money or our kindness in whichever way they like and it should not affect us. Why? Because we have never asked them to receive when we decided to give. Therefore, they are free to reject the gift.

Only when we expect something in return do we react negatively to the receiver’s attitude. Without expectation, we can maintain the intention of giving happily in our hearts.

Also, when we give to another, we are sharing what we have. If it is happiness, we are sharing our happiness. If it is a material thing, we are also sharing what we have. The conflict in our world is caused by our possessiveness and continual measuring of what’s mine and what’s others – whether it is land, food, air or money. 

When in fact, nothing truly belongs to us. If Mother Earth truly belongs to us, why does she not do our biding when we break certain laws of nature? How is it we cannot control earthquakes or make the weather pleasant so that it can produce as much food as possible? 

One last thing about being habitually charitable is that it leaves a deep impression on our minds. Our memory of giving our compassion, understanding, time and even material things makes us happy. We may receive kindness from others for our giving, or not receive anything in return. But thinking of our own generosity and kindness lifts our own hearts in times of despair.


Wise Steps:

  • When you make an intention to give, whether it is time or money, don’t waver by distracting yourself with other activities or start measuring the amount to give.
  • Don’t judge, but pay attention to what others need by being present to them with your mind and body.
  • Meaningful gifts come with love from your heart. When you give without paying attention, the receiver can feel your insincerity.
β€œGiving the feeling of home to the homeless”: How this 25-year-old is giving during the pandemic

β€œGiving the feeling of home to the homeless”: How this 25-year-old is giving during the pandemic

If you were past the quarter-life mark of life, how would you measure yourself?

Would it be how much peers earn? Or how shiok their Instagram stories depict their lives to be?

Annabel probably β€˜measures’ herself differently, or maybe not at all.

When you speak to Annabel, you won’t guess that this soft-spoken lady is running “The Heart Matters“, a Ground-Up Movement (GUM) to help the homeless and less privileged.

Setting it up in the middle of the pandemic & lockdown.

β€œFind a vocation, not a job”

β€œFind a vocation, not a job”, Annabel shared, when asked about her motivations.

Find a cause that resonates with you and do it well. Annabel mentioned that while having a job is great, finding a vocation beyond work can lift our hearts. Maybe that is a panacea to Singapore’s most unhappy workforce award.

At 25, Annabel has many ventures under her belt. She started a salad bar, partnered with social organisations (Rainbow Centre), became a Financial Planner, started a Yong Tau Foo coffee shop store, and kicked off different charity initiatives. 

Each of these ‘jobs’ taught her different lessons in her budding career. I learnt from her experiences that life is less linear and more fulfilling if we are open to changes that lie ahead of us. 

In addition, it is okay to call it a day when the journey is done, which she did for her different career endeavours. For example, she closed her salad bar social enterprise after 2 years.

Currently, Annabel is taking a gap period between her last career venture and the next career step.

How did she get started on this vocation journey especially when others are busy chionging (Singlish for rushing) for promotions and new jobs?

“You want the long or short story ah?” She casually asks.

I enthusiastically opted for the latter.

Bingo games 

Annabel started her social work journey at 10 years old. She was attending Dhamma classes at Buddhist Fellowship and started following a Buddhist Senior to The Singapore Cheshire Home (home for the seriously disabled).

From organising & playing Bingo games to helping the residents with their food, Annabel grew a strong connection to the home. Fifteen years have passed since and she still regularly volunteers there.

“Why?” I quizzed.

“ζ–½ζ―”ε—ζ›΄ζœ‰η¦ (To give is more joyous than to receive). As much as we think they are beneficiaries we are giving to…we are the beneficiaries of giving as well. We receive lessons & joy” she replied with a smile.

Annabel during one of the regular meal distributions at Singapore Cheshire Home

Circuit Break and Career Break

When Circuit Breaker (Singapore’s Lockdown) came, springing into action was second nature for Annabel. While at her previous job, she saw appeals for food from a nearby care centre. 

She was both actively fulfilling the requests and coping with her day job. It was a struggle to juggle both, she shared. 

With businesses shutdown and social organisations locking down, some elderly saw their livelihoods and social support evaporate – their situation was dire. The problem became compounded when she heard that other social organisations were struggling with logistics & manpower restrictions. 

People who couldn’t be reached and were unable to buy their food were in trouble – they were starving. Seeing the plight of her fellow residents spiralling downwards, she took a pivotal career decision.

She decided to quit her job.

Care packs given to underprivileged families during Circuit Breaker

This would enable her to provide greater support to charity organisations & rough sleepers. Her selfless nature gave her the strength to put her career on temporary hold. To place the needs of others at the forefront when times are hard was inspiring to me. 

We often cheer friends on with promotions and career achievements, especially those at Annabel’s age. Instead, Annabel is a contrarian in this and many aspects.

Circuit Breaker was a period of great uncertainty and fear for organisations and volunteers. Organisations were uncertain if they could still operate under the rules and also if their funding would tie them over this economic hardship. Volunteers were uncertain on how the virus would impact the beneficiaries (who tend to be vulnerable) and themselves. 

However, Annabel placed her fears aside and navigated the unknown by arranging logistics delivery for the rough sleepers and other social organisations.

“Things popped up and we adapted to it. Good, bad, who knows? If things went according to plan, would I be where I am today?” Annabel replied when asked about navigating uncertainty.

She didn’t need to have all the answers to start moving, she just moved when there was a call for help.

This was how The Heart Matters (THM) was born.

A hidden growing problem

THM became a daily hotline for appeals from both organisations (e.g. Children’s home) and underprivileged families. As THM’s founder, Annabel is always ‘on call’. If needed, she is on the frontlines 7 days a week.

On a typical week, Annabel works day and night. Annabel organises the delivery of supplies and gifts to Non-Profit organisations & families during the day. At night, she conducts ‘night walks’ to spot and engage with rough sleepers. 

Rough sleepers seem like a rare occurrence in Singapore due to a lack of awareness. In fact, it is a growing issue.

A 2019 NUS report found that rough sleepers in Singapore numbered ~1,050. Meanwhile, the government reported that calls for home shelter during the pandemic increased – these are startling numbers and the statistics may not cover all rough sleepers.

Annabel is determined to support rough sleepers despite the growing demand for shelter. Whenever possible, she tries to give them a semblance of home. 

With 1 in 4 rough sleepers eating one meal or less daily, Annabel’s work is a great boon to these individuals going through a hard time.

“δ½ ζ₯δΊ† (You are here) ”

β€œδ½ ζ₯δΊ† (you are here)” is the start of one of the many stories that keep her going through the pandemic.

A rough sleeping uncle, who has severe memory loss, does not remember much of their interactions but greets Annabel with a wide smile and a ’你ζ₯δΊ†β€˜ whenever she brings him food. He repeatedly expresses his gratitude towards individuals with good hearts. Such smiles can warm the most chilly of nights.

Another rough-sleeping uncle’s concern for resources was also evident when Annabel packed him extra food & chilli on some nights.

Annabel interacting with a rough sleeper on her night walkabouts

β€œNo need for ε₯½ζ–™ (good food), one veg and one egg can already” Annabel recalled his comments.

It’s remarkable how individuals with so little give so much thought to others. No wonder Annabel said that while we may give materially, we receive spiritually. 

β€œIt is not how much you give”

As a former Buddhist youth leader, THM brings many Dhamma lessons to Annabel.

Intention matters

“When we give, we do not expect something in return. In the field of social work, some people put themselves out there for their name and fame. While some are doing it for others. Hard and heart work are needed to truly help others”, she shared.

“It is not how much you give, but your intention that matters.” Annabel recalls her colourful interactions with organisations and volunteers. 

She challenged her volunteers to think deeper if they are doing it for the clout or the beneficiary. It truly can make or break a ground-up movement. Once ego and optics come into play, a GUM can be pulled into many directions, away from the direction of the beneficiaries.

Changes are inevitable

Recognising impermanence in her day to day operations is another Dhamma lesson she has glimpsed as a founder. The Buddha’s universal truth of change that we all cannot run away from is a strong feature in Annabel’s work.

“There are days that we have plans to give food to 10 people, but wet weather can make the rough sleepers move away. It can be disheartening to not find them. But I recognise that conditions were not right and that not everything goes our way”, she reflected. 

A beneficiary receiving a care pack

Not finding them also means that the rough sleepers may go through another day without food – hard truths that Annabel has to accept in ever-shifting changes on the frontline.

However, being more accepting of change enables her to move past disappointment quickly and adjust to shifting conditions.

Saying No.

In addition, she emphasises that compassion has to be paired with wisdom in her line of work. At times, the beneficiary organisation would reach out with uncompromising requests from THM. 

When organisations are unwilling to negotiate for a smaller gift (due to THM’s limited resources), Annabel has to apply wisdom and say ‘no’.

Saying no is difficult but necessary in ensuring that THM resources remain available to many other beneficiaries. These are moments where she balances compassion and wisdom; both necessities in walking the path of Dhamma.

The next chapter?

What’s next for Annabel and THM? She shrugs and declines to give a concrete plan/path ahead.

Having already walked an unconventional path of embarking on many initiatives, I guess that she is wise to not answer with certainty. As the sea of life always changes, we merely adjust our sail to brave the journey.

She is actively looking at options in her career and reflecting on what to do next. What I do know is that she is very joyful and fulfilled in what she is currently doing.

So how does Annabel ‘measure’ herself against others? 

That is probably an irrelevant question for someone who sees little separation between herself and others.  Rather, Annabel sees herself in others. When it comes to the wisdom of the heart, we can see the interdependence we have on one another.


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Learning Empathy While Planting Trees.  #Mindfulchats With Conor

Learning Empathy While Planting Trees. #Mindfulchats With Conor

Handful of Leaves and Kusala Mag are in collaboration to share Inspiring stories sprinkled with Buddhist wisdom. Kusala Mag’s interview with Conor is reproduced in full here:

Kyle had the pleasure of chatting with Conor Beary, who has been actively involved with VWB, an NGO that is committed to creating opportunities for local economic development through the empowerment of community capability.

Cr: Conor Beary

How did Volunteer Without Borders (VWB) come about, and what does it mean to you?

VWB evolved from a collaboration between Track of The Tiger T.R.D (A provider of experiential education and registered tour company) a local community determined to protect their rights over their community forest, and local authorities that wished to preserve the forest from poachers and loggers.

Since its establishment in 2011, Volunteers Without Borders has partnered with Track of The Tiger and various communities in northern Thailand to provide volunteers and tourists with opportunities to improve the standard of living for many in less fortunate circumstances.

On a personal level, VWB has shown me the value of communication, teamwork, empathy and problem-solving in addressing the real complex issues which communities around us face. Through VWB I can make positive contributions to causes I hold dear and further develop as an individual. I see VWB as an organisation that acts as a catalyst for change, both internally and externally.

How many trees have been planted since the beginning?

The agroforestry project in Mae Wang has benefitted from the planting of over 6,000 NTFPs (Non- Timber Forest Products) over the last twelve months. Unfortunately, the pandemic has slowed our progress considerably, but aim to get back on track again soon.

How do you think growing up in Northern Thailand has affected your view of nature and your efforts to preserving the environment?

Growing up around Track of The Tiger T.R.D my brother and I was exposed to outdoor excursions and environmental conservation activities since young. Subsequently, it didn’t take long for me to develop a preference for the outdoors! Growing up in such an environment provided me with opportunities to develop physical skills essential to the development of a child.

The various environmental conservation activities taught me to apply empathy not only to other individuals but also to the environment.

The list of benefits derived from being around nature is extensive, and seemingly, everyone draws different positives. From my perspective, the outdoors and nature has always been a great source of entertainment. Mountains, rivers, forests, caves and seas all have their unique intrigue. Over the last couple of years, I’ve found that spending time to run activities at these sites, particularly environmental conservation activities have been eminently fulfilling.

As a result of our love for nature, one of our goals at VWB is to use our actions, whatever they may be, to make positive contributions to the environment or communities we are involved with.

Do you think Buddhist teachings can be a part of the solution to environmental issues? If yes, how can we relate that to it?

I certainly believe that Buddhist values and teachings can be applied as part of the solution for the environmental concerns which we face. Buddhism teaches us to love the world around us, and perform good deeds for the environment in which we live, just as we would for ourselves. However, to truly address the complex problems posed by environmental degradation over the past few centuries we must work with an open mind, utilising empathy and communication to integrate the teachings which are familiar to us with foreign ideas and values that may help us solve our dilemma.

Cr: Conor Beary

Can compassion be applied to nature?

Compassion can be applied to everything in life. If you’re willing to consider being compassionate to the people, animals and matters around you then compassion may become a part of your unique mindset, and may gradually alter your perspective of a multitude of subjects.

The Dalai Lama once said β€œ Compassion can be roughly defined in terms of a state of mind that is nonviolent, non-harming, and nonaggressive. It is a mental attitude based on the wish for others to be free of their suffering and is associated with a sense of commitment, responsibility and respect towards others.”

After analysing compassion from this point of view we can see that compassion can, and in my opinion, should be applied to others and nature.

What have been the greatest challenges you have encountered, and are perhaps still encountering while setting up and running VWB?

Running a non-profit organisation can prove extremely challenging. I am only a piece of the puzzle here and am fortunate enough to benefit from the help of everyone involved with us. As a volunteer organisation, we’re always looking for funding and volunteers who can help us achieve our objectives. The Covid-19 pandemic has made this task even more difficult.

In what ways can people actively get involved in your organisation?

Volunteers can help us by sharing our social media content, donating to one of the projects on https://give.asia/charity/volunteers-without-borders-foundation or contacting us directly to see how we can personalise collaboration!

What do you hope to achieve for VWB?

We want to use WVB as a platform for driving change in our local communities. Eventually, I hope that VWB will be able to fund education for those less fortunate, provide economic incentives for locals to preserve their local forests and help educate student groups through volunteering activities. We want to act as a catalyst for the change we wish to see in our communities.

Any act of kindness you’ve ever experienced during your VWB activities?

I’ve been on the receiving end of kindness during VWB activities several times. It is difficult to single out any one moment as my favourite, but kindness from the members of the community in which you are trying to assist often leaves a lasting imprint in your memories.

During our first tree-planting event at the agroforestry project in Mae Wang, locals hustled and bustled all day to ensure that we would be able to perform our duties to the best of our abilities. Their genuine smiles and words of encouragement serve as ample motivation.

If there is a message for the world, what would it be?

To practice empathy extensively. To actualise the changes you want to see in your community you must first understand those within them.

Cr: Conor Beary


Explore more about VWB here.

Volunteers Without Borders (VWB) is a non-profit foundation established as a vehicle to provide volunteer funding and hands-on support for communities and schools, under its unique approach to Community Based Ecotourism (CBET) development. We are convinced that the solution to establishing viability for CBET lies in establishing a private sector driven pilot project that is successful in delivering: financial, social and environmental benefits on a scale that will force governments and the private sector to reconsider ecotourism and biodiversity conservation over the non-sustainable, but purportedly more profitable (short term) options of forest encroachment for agriculture, mining, logging and exploitation of the forest product.

Alternatively, hop over to Kusala Mag for more of such amazing stories!