CNY is coming and that could only mean two things: delicious food and probing relatives. “How much do you earn?”, “Got a boyfriend already?” It can be timely to reflect on insights from Buddhist wisdom on how we can maintain harmony within our families as family occasions can trigger hot buttons. Drawing from Buddhist wisdom from the Handful of Leaves Podcast Episode 40, we uncover invaluable insights to make CNY a peaceful and harmonious occasion.
Turning from “them” to “I”
When we are judgmental and critical of the people around us, we are burning with annoyance and frustration because we can’t let go of our expectations of how “they” should behave. Coming from a family where quarrels and arguments seems to be the norm, sometimes I can’t help but foolishly judge my family members for “lacking wisdom.” How ironic *lol. But as Phimol wisely reflects on the Handful of Leaves Podcast episode, the key in any heated moment is to accept the discomfort of the situation and stop fighting with the reality of how others behave.
One way to do that is to prioritize the management of our emotions and behaviors over controlling others. The Buddha taught that when we experience suffering, one of the ways out of suffering is to establish clear mindfulness over our body. Bring to attention the sensations and feelings of dissatisfaction, and work on putting out the fires within. We have to acknowledge that we’re upset because there’s some craving in our heart that we need to work on letting go. If we’re occupied with blaming others, “because of you, I’m upset,” and not taking care of our own wounds, we are the ones that have to endure more suffering and bitterness. There’s no other way out other than going deep into the roots of suffering and pulling the craving out. In fact, in this brilliant video by the highly revered Thai teacher Venerable Ajahn Anan, he encourages one to “look at yourself 90%, and at others only 10% of the time.”
One helpful tool is to get on hand a “CNY Reset Power Button” when things start getting overwhelming. Three subtle suggestions that I may offer are 1. taking three deep breaths 2. mindfully snacking on a CNY cookie to ground yourself in the present moment and 3. Physically leaving to get some space, ie. going to the toilet to wash your face and freshen up. This can help when you get flustered or feel the beginning of annoyance arise.
Metta as the foundation for Acceptance
There was a time where Phimol and his family didn’t have a good relationship. There was “a lot of ill-will,” even to the extent that “he couldn’t smile.” Loving kindness wasn’t there and he couldn’t accept his family. He shares, “What I wanted from my family is not what they can do very easily.”
Upon practicing mindfulness, he noticed that “Deep down whatever that I judge my parents for, I actually have those same stuff in me as well.” Thus, when he learnt to have more compassion for himself, naturally more compassion arose for his parents and it was easier to accept and know that, “Ah, actually they are just like that.”
Isn’t it interesting how the sense of criticality towards others comes from our own inner critic? What we farm within our own minds will become the very lens we use to look at others. In Dhammapada V1-2, the Buddha states that “the mind precedes all mental states. Mind is their chief; they are all mind-wrought. If with an impure mind a person speaks or acts suffering follows him like the wheel that follows the foot of the ox. Likewise, if with a pure mind a person speaks or acts, happiness follows him like his never-departing shadow.’’
Thus, it is important to imbue the mind with unconditional loving kindness towards all sentient beings, such that when it is in contact with any moods and sense impressions from sights, sounds, touch and taste, the mind is in a positive mind state and less likely to react negatively.
Phimol shares the significant change unconditional loving acceptance has done for his relationship with family members. “Now, I can look at them and just laugh. Laugh at (the chaotic family situation), and it’s not so heavy in the heart. Because whatever they do, I accepted that they are like that. This is just the way it is. There is not much of the hindrances that arise so quickly. And the conversations we have is also more open and more caring and kindness in it!”
How liberating! Perhaps before meeting your relatives, you can prepare your mind with this 5 minutes Metta Meditation and start with those who are easy to love, then to those who are not so pleasant, and subsequently to all sentient beings in all directions. As mentioned in the “Karaniya Metta Sutta -The Buddha’s Discourse on Loving Kindness” whether standing, walking, seated or lying down, one should sustain this recollection at all times and it will be very beneficial for harmony and for your own peace of mind.
For a long time I deluded myself into believing it was possible to limit ill-will to only certain persons, such as an enemy and retain boundless kindness to everyone else. I thought I was smart including a disclaimer clause on loving kindness HA. But as I deepened my practice, I realized that this was an illusion. Ill-will, or any other defilements for that matter, such as greed or delusion, as long as we have given it permission to take root and grow in our hearts, does not have limits and boundaries. They can spread like wildfire and consume anything and everything in its path, even ourselves. So it is imperative to not cut ill-will any slack, and to abandon any semblance of it at all. And one way is through the disciplined restrain of bodily and verbal conduct via upholding the five precepts. And the result of it?
We have goodwill and peace blooming, without measure, without end, isn’t that more wonderful?
Needle or a Mountain?
Family is complex, isn’t it? It’s truly a place where love and conflict stays, and where peace and chaos exists simultaneously as well. For as much as we complain about our family members, we also should have equal measure of gratitude to them. After all, we are the owners of our karma, related to our karma, heir to our karma, and abide supported by our karma.
How can we complain and blame our family members when we choose to be born and be related to them via our own actions and intentions of the past?
One skillful way to relate to our family members is to reflect on how much time and effort we put into judging others negatively. In the same video above, Ajahn Anan shares that individuals often perceive their own faults as minor and inconsequential, akin to the size of a needle, although in reality, it could be the size of a mountain. This portrayal suggests a tendency towards minimizing or overlooking personal shortcomings, perhaps due to ego preservation or a lack of introspection.
Conversely, when it comes to the faults of others, it is easy to imagine them as vast and insurmountable, likened to the grandeur of a mountain. This exaggerated perception underscores the tendency to magnify the flaws of others while downplaying or ignoring one’s own.
The most important question back to the readers to introspect on is this: are your own shortcomings the size of a needle or a mountain? And how are you working on reducing them to the size of a needle? “Setting a positive example inspires transformative changes in family members,” notes Phimol. When we take care of our mindfulness, and our own conduct, the rest will follow. And if nobody else follows, we still have a peaceful mind as refuge, protected by mindfulness and wisdom, the unformidable ‘armor’ of the sages.
With the above reflections, I hope you found some gems that can help you enjoy a beautiful, harmonious, joyful Chinese New Year with your family members. With each year that is passing, our heartbeats and time left with family reduces, let’s cherish and make it a meaningful connection filled with loving kindness and gratitude.
Wise Steps:
Practice loving kindness frequently.
Turn your attention inwards to your body and mind.
Introspect on your own shortcomings before blaming others
If you are interested to tune into the Handful of Leaves Podcast Episode :
Below is the full transcript:
/ [00:00:00] Cheryl: Welcome to the Handful of Leaves podcast. My name is Cheryl, and today with me I have Phimol. And we will be talking about the topic of maintaining harmony with your family. So let me introduce Phimol. Phimol is a son, a boyfriend, and a brother. And in the worldly sense, he is doing sales in an IT company. He has the aspirations to live mindfully. One step at a time, one moment at a time, and one day at a time. So welcome Phimol to the episode.
[00:00:32] Phimol: Hi Cheryl. Hi everyone listening to the podcast. Excited to have a chat with all of you today.
[00:00:38] Cheryl: Amazing. And can you share with us why are you interested or why do you agree to talk about the topic of family harmony?
[00:00:45] Phimol: Yeah. I think family harmony is a very important subject and many people might also face challenges and friction in your day-to-day life, especially with your parents, right? I always say that family is a very good home ground to get training in a Dhamma sense because all the frictions, all the triggers comes very naturally from the home. So when we can practice at home, when we have harmony and when we are open at home, then that’s where we can show up at the workplace, with your friends authentically and with full acceptance.I think it starts from the home.
[00:01:20] Cheryl: There’s this phrase that every family has its own drama, right? They know where to push the hot buttons that no one else outside can push. Oh, yes. Yeah, it’s very close to home. And I think a lot of things if we are able to resolve the relationships, the conflicts within our family, we are able to show up a lot better in the different roles and different hats that we play. Be it a boyfriend, a colleague, a boss, a friend. Right? So maybe can you bring us back to your childhood and describe how your childhood was?
[00:01:54] Phimol: I have a very loving family very close to me. So my mom is like my number one cheerleader. I’m always very proud to shout out saying that every single performance, she’ll be there screaming the loudest. She’s there to be present, you know, always supporting. So very encouraging and loving family. Yeah, from young all the way. Now I’m 31. Every single birthday has a birthday cake. Yeah. Aw. We have those photos where we were young, one years old, two years old, three years old. Then you see the candle. What the photo album? Is it the photo album? Then the candle from four become five, become six all the way until 31. Oh. So she does that for her parents as well. For my grandparents. So all these memories that she keeps, she likes to take photos. My whole childhood is very warm, we are very loud. We are very people person. We like to connect to people. Yeah. So that’s my whole childhood growing up with my mom, my dad, and my sister.
[00:02:48] Cheryl: Wow. That sounds like such a, such a happy childhood. You know where every birthday you get to celebrate and then your mom’s so encouraging and so supportive. But even in those kind of situations, because I also came from that kind of family where every birthday was a big deal and I remember one of my relatives, they would be bringing the presents and they would wrap it in all sorts of different things. And we had the entire suspense of like, oh, what is it inside? And they were just opening up layers and layers and layers of things just to find what is that toy that we guess? But I’m also sure that sometimes there would also be some conflicts that could get quite heated as well. Or any kind of disagreements. Would you be able to share maybe some of the things that you experienced growing up and how was it for you?
[00:03:36] Phimol: Yeah, I think when we are young, 我们比较听话 (We were more obedient) right? Lesser conflict. Then as we grow up being teenagers, we have different views. We have different things that we want to do. Then that’s where the conflict happens. So me growing up, I’ve always listened. I’m always a very giving (person), I always keep my views or my thoughts to myself trying not to go into this conflict, right? Because everything is so beautiful and sweet at my home. I think it’s an Asian thing. Maybe we all very (obedient) at the start, then we start to rebel at a later age.
[00:04:11] Cheryl: Can you share an example of one of the conflict with your family as you grew up?
[00:04:15] Phimol: One conflict was, it wasn’t much of a conflict. Small one. I felt that I didn’t need to study degree. It’s kind of a big deal. Like now when I see it also I can feel it. I tell my parents, I don’t need a degree. I can just go and work, be an entrepreneur, be a businessman. Then I was very young, I can’t remember the exact age. Yeah. So I told her I don’t need the degree, but she insisted and she felt that in this society, we must have a degree. Yeah. I think similar to Kai Xin, maybe not the usual route, right? We say we don’t want a degree, we just wanna come out and work. Yeah. So that was the first conflict that we had. I think after that I kind of saw the reasons why she meant it, and I just took a step back from my own view because whatever I wanted to do, I can still do it with my degree.
It doesn’t pull back anything, but it’s a add on. Yeah, the current job and the past two jobs were actually easier to get in because I got a degree. And I’m like, ah, my mom was right. So I think I have this saying where the sooner you know that your parents are right, it’s easier for you to do certain things. So then I realized that I have very strong attachment to my own views. Then as we grow up, when my grandparents passed away, I became very attached to my parents. Wanting them to be healthy, live a long life. And that’s where the second conflict came because what I wanted from them, I’m not sure if they are able to even execute or do it, whIch is to eat healthy, go and exercise. Yeah. So that became very dear to heart. It’s like wanting them to do so many things, then I can be happy, then I can be satisfied. But deep down, there’s a lot of fear of losing them to sickness, death. I thought I can prevent. If my parents do A, B, C, D, then my fear won’t happen. So this became something that lasted for a long time. Yeah. One year, two years. Then it became stronger when my grandparents passed away, that wanting to control.
[00:06:21] Cheryl: But this is also very tricky, right? Because it comes from a good intention to want them to be healthier, to live better lives. Of course, it also comes from the root of fear of losing them. But then at the same time, it is also met with a lot of probably disagreement. They’re like, why? You wanna control what I want to eat? Why do you wanna control whether I exercise or not? So the question is, in the past two, three years that you’re trying to implement this, how do you approach this in a skillful way or a balanced way where you’re able to let go of your ideals and at the same time still maintain the intention of goodwill?
[00:07:01] Phimol: I think the one key thing that I learned is acceptance. Acceptance of my parents for who they are. And deep down actually whatever that I judge them for, I actually have those stuff in me as well. So whatever I judge them for, I actually judge myself for. Like how they eat, the livelihood, the discipline. I actually have that as well. So when I have more compassion for myself, when I have more compassion for my parents. It’s easier to accept and know that, ah, actually they are just like that. The harder thing to practice is it always arises and how I can be mindful about it, to look at it with compassion and love and acceptance. Because before that, there isn’t any acceptance. There’s a lot of judgment. There’s a lot of the, ill-will, the five hindrances comes a lot. I think acceptance and being very mindful about how we look at it and what are the words we tell ourself and tell our parents.
So when I took a step back from my views where I feel that I’m so strong with my “I”, this is how I feel, this is what you need to do, then I will feel better. When I took a step back, it’s so difficult, right? But the key is to not do anything. I had to accept the uncomfortable, the unsatisfactoriness of the situation and just be okay with it. Okay, let me accept that this is how they are. And I am the one unsatisfied, so I need to work on it, not them. So when I look at it as I’m taking ownership, I’m looking at it as I’m not able to sit with my unsatisfactoriness. I take control. And when I took a step back and I didn’t do anything. I went to exercise, I went to eat healthy, then my mom start to go and exercise on her own. And I didn’t do anything. I just do my own thing. [00:08:48] Cheryl: Then they follow suit. [00:08:50] Phimol: Yeah. They follow suit, and I realized, what did I do? I didn’t do anything and that was actually everything. [00:08:55] Cheryl: Just to share the points that I captured, I think one is that knowing that controlling others is impossible. And then you bring the perspective and focus back on managing your own emotions, your own behaviors, and on its own other people around you get inspired and they also wanna follow suit. So the good that you do to yourself, the care that you give to yourself inspires the people, the loved ones around you to follow suit, and that is very wonderful. An example that I can share is that I’ve been nagging my mother to meditate from like 10 years ago. And then she’ll always give a million excuses of like, okay, wait until I retire. Wait until I settle this, wait until you finish your studies. And so one day I just gave up. I’m like, ah, you don’t wanna meditate? Fine, fine by me. So I also just go and practice myself and I think when she noticed the changes in me, then she started to get interested. Then she’s like, Hey, what are you doing? Can you teach me some meditation? And I was like, yay. So then you’re right. Bringing the attention back to what you can control, not other people, but in correcting your own behaviors, correcting your own dysfunctional reactions and habits then other people are able to really see and learn. One more thing that you shared that I really liked is the fact that there are things that you complain about your parents, they are actually a reflection of the things that you don’t like about yourself. That is so true, I think a lot of us don’t realize that. I think a lot of us think that our family is one thing ourselves is one thing. But how can that be? We come from our family, our parents give birth to us. What we have comes a large part from what they have. [00:10:58] Phimol: Totally. [00:10:59] Cheryl: So learning to accept that these parts of ourself, these fingers come from their DNA, this hair, this face, this features come from their DNA. The way we speak, the way we talk is very, very conditioned because they are the first teachers that we have as well. Hating our parents or disliking our family or even, you know, feeling that we are better than them is like spitting into the sky where the speed will always fall back to your face. You cannot run away from it. [00:11:27] Phimol: Yeah, totally. [00:11:29] Cheryl: So it was very wise of you to be able to realize, oh, I need to accept. And acceptance could mean a lot of things, but for you it meant, doing nothing to stop your controlling. [00:11:40] Phimol: Yeah. it’s a journey you know. It wasn’t so easy to start. I had a life coach, I think you met him before, Jeremy. He shared about acceptance and all that, but after the session was over, I needed something to hold onto like a refuge. Something to continuously learn and practice and always ponder whether it has helped me on my day to day. And that is Buddhism and mindfulness and meditation altogether. Yeah. So that helps me to consistently be on a journey of getting better. So if I have a coach that helps me, that works with me, right? Sometimes I feel that they are the ones doing the work. But when I go to the refuge, I go to the Dhamma. When I try to apply the Dhamma on my day-to-day struggles, why am I suffering so much? Why am I doing all that? Then my learnings are like the wisdom that I gained from it. Then I continue to believe in it and I wanna continue to do more, to continue to be better. It’s like my own friend. I got struggles, let me go to my friend. Let me bring this friend to my day-to-day stuff. So that helped me continuously do my own inner work. When I reflect on the teaching, but it has to come hand in hand, learning about it, reading about it, having the interest about it, wanting to find out more, and then you get those answers. Then you practice and see whether it makes sense. [00:12:58] Cheryl: So what is one Dhamma teaching or learning that you feel that, oh, you always refer to, always try to apply, try to understand in relation to maintaining the harmony with your family? [00:13:13] Phimol: I think I would say non-self. So every time I am unsatisfied with something then I start to ask myself, am I holding on to something too tightly? What am I upset about? The “I” is very loud. What am I holding onto now? What is making me so connected and so tight that I cannot let go? Yeah. Most of the times it’s my views. My views, my perception that I’m correct. I’m right. Yeah. When I’m happy, I think I have the responsibility to do that work, right? So when I have that mindset, it’s not pointing fingers anymore. So it used to be because of you, you, you, I’m upset. Now it’s, I’m upset because there’s something I need to work with. And I say, ah, I’m upset. Okay, what am I attached to? I go back to non-self, impermanence. There are always ups-and-downs. Maybe two weeks later I might not be so affected, but then I don’t wanna be so explosive now. [00:14:13] Cheryl: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It always lead back to the second noble truth, right? If there’s unsatisfactoriness, if there’s suffering, it’s always because of what is it that you are clinging on? What are you wanting? So what I find helpful is to ask the question, oh, what do I want? And then that’s where you think, oh, okay, okay, okay, okay. I want this, I want that, blah, blah, blah. And it always boils down to I want something that is different from the present moment. I want my parents to be different. I want them to do something else. It doesn’t go back to accepting things the way it is. [00:14:51] Phimol: That is so true. Yeah. When you say that, I got like the aha moment. Yeah, you want something that is not now. So you already created that sense of deficit, I would say because if they do A, B, C, then I will be happy. Then I will be satisfied. But is that true? Will it change? It’ll continue to change. So when I say I need a car, then I can be happy. If my mom do this, then I’ll be happy. Then I really saying that I am not happy now. [00:15:19] Cheryl: Sense of deficit. Yeah. That’s interesting. [00:15:21] Phimol: Like the grass is always greener on the other side. But how I put it is, the grass is always greener where we water it. So where we are now, we just need to water it, accept and be happy with what we already have now at the present moment. Then you won’t go and find other grass. [00:15:39] Cheryl: And then you change from the sense of deficit to a sense of, in a way abundance because you’re so grateful and contented with what you already have. Wonderful. So, yes, I think it is also a good opportunity to share about what the Buddha taught about harmony, about amiability and having that feeling of endearment towards each other. Because let’s face it, we are on the path of practice, right? So definitely there are some days where things will get heated and, oh, we just want to *bleep* each other. But these are six things that we can practice which are conducive to bringing harmony, not just within a family, but also with our friends, our colleagues, and even with our spiritual companions, our Kalyanamittas. So the first three are basically your body actions, your verbal actions as well as your mental actions. So your thoughts. When you set yourself with the intention of goodwill with regards to the people around you and both in front of them to their faces and behind their backs, you set it on good goodwill with regards to body actions, verbal actions, and mental actions. This is extremely conducive to amiability, the feelings of endearment, of respect, and having that strong sense of fellowship. And when you have a strong sense of fellowship, obviously, you know, disputes are harder to to come up. Now the next thing is about the idea of sharing. So whatever things that you have, you don’t consume it alone. You always share it together with the people that you have around you. So perhaps it’s information, perhaps it’s good habits, perhaps it’s delicious food. You always think about, ooh, how do I share it with the people around me? And the next is virtue. Virtue here of course refers to the five precepts with the people around you. You have that five precepts. You don’t lie, you don’t steal, you don’t kill, and no sexual mis conduct and obviously no intoxicants. And if you live in tune with the people around you with regards to virtue, this is important in front of them and behind their backs as well. So that means you don’t go and tarnish their reputations behind their back, but in front of them you say, oh, you’re amazing, you’re the best person on Earth. The last one, is Right View. So sharing a common and understanding of the teachings that leads towards happiness. Right? And this refers to the Eightfold Path. And the Eightfold Path in summary is simply just do good, avoid evil and purify your mind, or Sīla, Samādhi, Paññā. Any thoughts on some of the sharings that you know that is quoted from the Buddha? [00:18:28] Phimol: Yeah, when I got some learnings or they call it Paññā, wisdom, then the faith will increase. So I think the essence of the Buddha teaching is to bring about the arising of wisdom within us, right? Ajahn Chah taught that, that which will give rise to wisdom are just the themes of impermanence, unsatisfactoriness, and non-self. I particularly love this quote, to go against the stream of the world to enter the stream of the Dhamma. Yeah, this one really goes very deep into my heart. Because there’s a lot of sensual pleasures that is so difficult to unwire the brain not to dwell into all of this, right? Also from a book that I read from Ajahn Anan, though we are born into this world, we fail to see the world, we become addicted to the world, addicted to forms, sounds, smell, flavors, tactile sensations which are desirable and pleasing. So all this don’t last, it’s just arising and seizing. Yeah, so this gives me a foundational ground to build with. So most of my suffering comes from all of what the world has to the eyes that is pleasing, the entertainment that we watch, that we want it to be more exciting. But all that will come and go. So in terms of going against the stream of the world and to enter the Dhamma, I think it’s one quote that quotes everything. Like it’s so beautiful because it summarizes sensual pleasures, unsatisfactoriness, impermanence, arising and seizing all in one quote. [00:20:00] Cheryl: Yeah. Very, very beautiful. And it also shows that you don’t have to feel lost, right? If you go against the world, you turn your back against the path that everyone is walking towards. Then where next? Right? Where do you go? When you enter into the stream of Dhamma and there is the true refuge that protects us from suffering, from unsatisfactoriness and all the sorrows, the pain, the lamentation of life. So yeah, that is very, very beautiful. Moving on, I’m just very curious to understand how has your relationship with your family changed? In a sense, how was it previously and how would you describe it now? [00:20:44] Phimol: Previously at the part where there is a lot of controlling, that part wasn’t very good. So I had a lot of ill-will, I couldn’t smile. Loving kindness wasn’t there. I couldn’t accept. What I wanted from them is not what they can do very easily. Then now it’s where I can look at them and just laugh. Laugh at it, you know, it’s not so heavy in the heart. Because whatever they do, I accepted that they are like that. When they do something that used to be very bothering to me, now I can laugh it off. I feel that one’s very, very different. Very powerful because it’s no longer creating that attachment to that suffering and ill-will that I used to have. So now it’s very light. Whatever they do is very light. And the conversations we have is also more open and more caring and kindness in it. I think I’ll use the word last time was resentment. Now it’s kind. Yeah. So I can look at them with, ah, okay. They’re like that. This is just the way it is. Then there’s no more other things that is clouding, that adds onto it. It’s just like that. There is not much of the hindrances that arise so quickly. [00:21:55] Cheryl: I’m so happy for you from resentment to kindness. That is very wonderful as well. [00:22:00] Phimol: And one thing to also continue to practice because you know, you will come and go, you’ll arise, you’ll cease. Now it’s good times, you know, there may be times that it may be not so good. Then how to continuously practice. I think that’s what I’m trying to do. So always just five minutes meditation per day so that every time something that is unsatisfactory happening, I just become an observer. I’m not satisfied with this. This is unsatisfactorily arising. It’s not I am unsatisfied, so I try to make sense of it, detach the “I” from the feeling that is coming up. Most of the time you wouldn’t react the way you want to react when you can just observe. And the more I try to do, the more I hope I get better at it. So, yeah, my home ground, my home, my family is my practicing ground to train my mindfulness for a start. Yeah. [00:22:51] Cheryl: And you see that the change outwards also amplifies the change inwards. The peace that you feel ripples across all different aspects of your life when you make peace with your family. So, when I was in the Ajahn Anan retreat, it was very interesting. I have a difficult relationship with my father. And so during the retreat I was just noticing this tension as I was doing loving kindness, and I was realizing. Why does it exist? I’m generally okay with every single person. I said, one person on earth, my father. Which is not that tight anymore. It has, you know, changed immensely throughout the years. But then I realized that if I am not able to let go of the animosity towards my father, I’m not able to run away from the tension that I feel within me whenever I do loving kindness. Because loving kindness is unconditional. It doesn’t have conditions or like, it must be like, that must be, this must be not that person. So then against all my defilements’ wishes, I went to my father, to just really humble myself down to seek for apology, seek for forgiveness, for any harm that I’ve done. And oh, trust me, there’s a lot of harm, especially the mental cycles. Like, oh, when you dislike someone, when you have a grudge towards someone you don’t think very pleasant thoughts. You don’t wish them well. So when I did that, when I seek forgiveness immediately my heart opened up and very easily I was even able to visualize myself giving my father a big hug. I was able to visualize myself just, oh, hugging my father and visualizing my father just smiling very radiantly and being very happy. And I am very happy for his happiness. After that, I realized that the loving kindness that I was able to spread was much, much further. It could really spread to all directions, truly measureless and boundless because I was able to resolve that tightness within my heart. So healing the wounds that we have from our family, turning the attention from outside what other people do to how I feel is very, very important. Not just for the harmony, but also for your own happiness, your own peace. And that is essentially the path of the Dhamma, right? Finding the path of peace, finding the path towards true happiness. [00:25:33] Phimol: Yeah. Adding on to what you said is the turning inwards. So all the things that happened to us, how can we turn back and look within and how to grow from there. Last time it’s more of how can I change the external stuff? I feel that that will make me happy, but now it’s like how can I change the way I see things? And that is more lasting because we can always work on ourself. We can always continue to improve and change the way we see things. And I think the Dhamma is like the ultimate truth. If we understand it well, we apply it well. We adjust to the teachings of the Dhamma, the Four Noble Truths, the Eightfold Path, I think that could probably give us lasting happiness. [00:26:20] Cheryl: That will give us lasting happiness. [00:26:23] Phimol: Yes. Sadhu. [00:26:24] Cheryl: And wonderful. So I think with that we can close off this episode. And if there’s any last piece of advice that you would want to share with our listeners. Festive seasons are coming, so there’s a lot more family time with each other. A lot more friction may happen as well. So what is one thing they can do when they start getting heated by the things that their family members say? [00:26:51] Phimol: Yeah, I think when things get heated right, take a pause and look at it. Sometimes you don’t necessarily have to address the situation or come up with a solution. Sometimes you don’t need a solution, but it’s how uncomfortable we are in a situation when there’s conflict. We often feel, I don’t wanna sit with this. I want a change. I want something that can make me feel better. I need something that’s immediate. You wanna feel better immediately, but when you take a pause, sometimes you don’t need a solution or you don’t need anything to happen to make you feel better, you just need to sit with it. So I think the one advice I would say is to take a pause and just reflect on the views that you have. Reflect on challenging different opinions of others and reflect, am I very attached to my view? Yeah. I wouldn’t put responsibility on outside things that we can’t control, right? There are different people that will say different things to us at certain times, but when I’m feeling upset, what am I attached to? So I asked myself that. Am I attached to this view that I have? Am I attached to wanting things to happen my way? Wow, I think I am. And then how can you take a pause and reflect on what is causing you unhappiness. Is it your view? Is it how you see things? Or is it the people around you that you think they are the one causing you suffering? Most of the time it’s how I see it, how I view it that makes me unhappy. Yeah. Yeah. So I think that is something that maybe could be a takeaway for everybody. [00:28:36] Cheryl: Thank you for sharing. And I think you perfectly highlighted the point that the moment of suffering is the moment of practice. When you suffer, that is your opportunity to practice the Dhamma. And if we were to listen to what the Buddha said, have you heard of the simile of the Saw (Kakacupama Sutta, MN 21) before, Phimol? It’s a fantastic Sutta about basically this woman. She has a very good reputation of being a very kind, very gentle mannered person. And then she has a slave, you know, in India they had slaves, right? So this slave wanted to test her, and the slave every day will wake up later and later and later just to annoy this woman ’cause she was like, wow, she has no temper. So let me try and see whether she has a limit to a temper. So she triggered this lady, she every day wake up late and then the person ask, Hey, why you wake up late? She’s like, no reason, dunno. It’s just for fun. So one day this lady got very angry and then she hit her, she hit the slave. And then the reputation of her changed. Everyone started to say, oh, she’s a mean person. She’s quick to anger, et cetera, et cetera. So the Buddha shared this very, very wise thing, which is that there are five ways that people can address you. They can speak to you in five different ways. The first is timely or untimely. So maybe you’re very stressed and someone come and nag at you, right? Or maybe your mom does that. So timely or untimely. Second, true or false. They could be lying to your face or they could be the most honest person on earth. And thirdly, they could say it in a very affectionate way, very gentle or they could be very harsh. They could be yelling at you. And fourth is beneficial or unbeneficial, meaning the speech could be maybe just gossip, or it could be something that actually helps you to true happiness. And fifth, the person could be speaking with a mind of goodwill, or the person hates you and just speak with you like, oh, I freaking hate this person. So these are the five ways that people could speak with you. But regardless of how people speak to you, the Buddha say the practice is such, our minds should be unaffected.And we will say no evil words. We will remain sympathetic to this person’s welfare. With a mind of goodwill, with no inner hate. We’ll keep sending the person goodwill and beginning with this person in front of us, they’re speaking with us. We also share it to all sentient beings. Abundant, expansive, immeasurable, free from hostility and free from ill-will. It’s how we should train ourselves. [00:31:09] Phimol: Wow. Yeah. Well, this sutta really suits this episode. [00:31:14] Cheryl: Yes, and why it’s called the Simile of the Saw sutta ’cause Buddha gave a couple of examples. But he’s saying, even like there is this group of bandits, they were to carve you up savagely limb by limb with a two-handed saw, you should not let yourself be angered. You should still practice and train yourself in the way that I mentioned just now with goodness, no inner hate, spreading to the person that’s doing this to you and spreading on to every single being, free from ill-will, free from hostility. That’s how the Buddha says everyone should train ourselves. So in the festive seasons, if anyone gets triggered, if someone can get cut up by bandits and not be angered, we should take the opportunity to train ourselves in goodwill, in matter, in loving kindness regardless of the five different ways people could speak to us. [00:32:09] Phimol: Wow, this is very, very powerful. It’s like a thing that, you know, we should continue to look at. Anytime we see anything, go back and look at it and practice. Yes. Yes, yes. Thank you for sharing. [00:32:22] Cheryl: Thank you. And with that we come to the end of the episode. If you enjoyed this episode, feel free to like and share and give us a five-star rating on our podcast. And we are also experimenting with a lot of video content, so feel free to comment what you think of it. If you’d like to see more video, less video, let us know. And until then, we will see you in the next episode. Stay happy and wise. Bye-Bye.
/ [00:00:00] Cheryl: Welcome to the Handful of Leaves podcast. My name is Cheryl, and today with me I have Phimol. And we will be talking about the topic of maintaining harmony with your family. So let me introduce Phimol. Phimol is a son, a boyfriend, and a brother. And in the worldly sense, he is doing sales in an IT company. He has the aspirations to live mindfully. One step at a time, one moment at a time, and one day at a time. So welcome Phimol to the episode.
[00:00:32] Phimol: Hi Cheryl. Hi everyone listening to the podcast. Excited to have a chat with all of you today.
[00:00:38] Cheryl: Amazing. And can you share with us why are you interested or why do you agree to talk about the topic of family harmony?
[00:00:45] Phimol: Yeah. I think family harmony is a very important subject and many people might also face challenges and friction in your day-to-day life, especially with your parents, right? I always say that family is a very good home ground to get training in a Dhamma sense because all the frictions, all the triggers comes very naturally from the home. So when we can practice at home, when we have harmony and when we are open at home, then that’s where we can show up at the workplace, with your friends authentically and with full acceptance.I think it starts from the home.
[00:01:20] Cheryl: There’s this phrase that every family has its own drama, right? They know where to push the hot buttons that no one else outside can push. Oh, yes. Yeah, it’s very close to home. And I think a lot of things if we are able to resolve the relationships, the conflicts within our family, we are able to show up a lot better in the different roles and different hats that we play. Be it a boyfriend, a colleague, a boss, a friend. Right? So maybe can you bring us back to your childhood and describe how your childhood was?
[00:01:54] Phimol: I have a very loving family very close to me. So my mom is like my number one cheerleader. I’m always very proud to shout out saying that every single performance, she’ll be there screaming the loudest. She’s there to be present, you know, always supporting. So very encouraging and loving family. Yeah, from young all the way. Now I’m 31. Every single birthday has a birthday cake. Yeah. Aw. We have those photos where we were young, one years old, two years old, three years old. Then you see the candle. What the photo album? Is it the photo album? Then the candle from four become five, become six all the way until 31. Oh. So she does that for her parents as well. For my grandparents. So all these memories that she keeps, she likes to take photos. My whole childhood is very warm, we are very loud. We are very people person. We like to connect to people. Yeah. So that’s my whole childhood growing up with my mom, my dad, and my sister.
[00:02:48] Cheryl: Wow. That sounds like such a, such a happy childhood. You know where every birthday you get to celebrate and then your mom’s so encouraging and so supportive. But even in those kind of situations, because I also came from that kind of family where every birthday was a big deal and I remember one of my relatives, they would be bringing the presents and they would wrap it in all sorts of different things. And we had the entire suspense of like, oh, what is it inside? And they were just opening up layers and layers and layers of things just to find what is that toy that we guess? But I’m also sure that sometimes there would also be some conflicts that could get quite heated as well. Or any kind of disagreements. Would you be able to share maybe some of the things that you experienced growing up and how was it for you?
[00:03:36] Phimol: Yeah, I think when we are young, 我们比较听话 (We were more obedient) right? Lesser conflict. Then as we grow up being teenagers, we have different views. We have different things that we want to do. Then that’s where the conflict happens. So me growing up, I’ve always listened. I’m always a very giving (person), I always keep my views or my thoughts to myself trying not to go into this conflict, right? Because everything is so beautiful and sweet at my home. I think it’s an Asian thing. Maybe we all very (obedient) at the start, then we start to rebel at a later age.
[00:04:11] Cheryl: Can you share an example of one of the conflict with your family as you grew up?
[00:04:15] Phimol: One conflict was, it wasn’t much of a conflict. Small one. I felt that I didn’t need to study degree. It’s kind of a big deal. Like now when I see it also I can feel it. I tell my parents, I don’t need a degree. I can just go and work, be an entrepreneur, be a businessman. Then I was very young, I can’t remember the exact age. Yeah. So I told her I don’t need the degree, but she insisted and she felt that in this society, we must have a degree. Yeah. I think similar to Kai Xin, maybe not the usual route, right? We say we don’t want a degree, we just wanna come out and work. Yeah. So that was the first conflict that we had. I think after that I kind of saw the reasons why she meant it, and I just took a step back from my own view because whatever I wanted to do, I can still do it with my degree.
It doesn’t pull back anything, but it’s a add on. Yeah, the current job and the past two jobs were actually easier to get in because I got a degree. And I’m like, ah, my mom was right. So I think I have this saying where the sooner you know that your parents are right, it’s easier for you to do certain things. So then I realized that I have very strong attachment to my own views. Then as we grow up, when my grandparents passed away, I became very attached to my parents. Wanting them to be healthy, live a long life. And that’s where the second conflict came because what I wanted from them, I’m not sure if they are able to even execute or do it, whIch is to eat healthy, go and exercise. Yeah. So that became very dear to heart. It’s like wanting them to do so many things, then I can be happy, then I can be satisfied. But deep down, there’s a lot of fear of losing them to sickness, death. I thought I can prevent. If my parents do A, B, C, D, then my fear won’t happen. So this became something that lasted for a long time. Yeah. One year, two years. Then it became stronger when my grandparents passed away, that wanting to control.
[00:06:21] Cheryl: But this is also very tricky, right? Because it comes from a good intention to want them to be healthier, to live better lives. Of course, it also comes from the root of fear of losing them. But then at the same time, it is also met with a lot of probably disagreement. They’re like, why? You wanna control what I want to eat? Why do you wanna control whether I exercise or not? So the question is, in the past two, three years that you’re trying to implement this, how do you approach this in a skillful way or a balanced way where you’re able to let go of your ideals and at the same time still maintain the intention of goodwill?
[00:07:01] Phimol: I think the one key thing that I learned is acceptance. Acceptance of my parents for who they are. And deep down actually whatever that I judge them for, I actually have those stuff in me as well. So whatever I judge them for, I actually judge myself for. Like how they eat, the livelihood, the discipline. I actually have that as well. So when I have more compassion for myself, when I have more compassion for my parents. It’s easier to accept and know that, ah, actually they are just like that. The harder thing to practice is it always arises and how I can be mindful about it, to look at it with compassion and love and acceptance. Because before that, there isn’t any acceptance. There’s a lot of judgment. There’s a lot of the, ill-will, the five hindrances comes a lot. I think acceptance and being very mindful about how we look at it and what are the words we tell ourself and tell our parents.
So when I took a step back from my views where I feel that I’m so strong with my “I”, this is how I feel, this is what you need to do, then I will feel better. When I took a step back, it’s so difficult, right? But the key is to not do anything. I had to accept the uncomfortable, the unsatisfactoriness of the situation and just be okay with it. Okay, let me accept that this is how they are. And I am the one unsatisfied, so I need to work on it, not them. So when I look at it as I’m taking ownership, I’m looking at it as I’m not able to sit with my unsatisfactoriness. I take control. And when I took a step back and I didn’t do anything. I went to exercise, I went to eat healthy, then my mom start to go and exercise on her own. And I didn’t do anything. I just do my own thing. [00:08:48] Cheryl: Then they follow suit. [00:08:50] Phimol: Yeah. They follow suit, and I realized, what did I do? I didn’t do anything and that was actually everything. [00:08:55] Cheryl: Just to share the points that I captured, I think one is that knowing that controlling others is impossible. And then you bring the perspective and focus back on managing your own emotions, your own behaviors, and on its own other people around you get inspired and they also wanna follow suit. So the good that you do to yourself, the care that you give to yourself inspires the people, the loved ones around you to follow suit, and that is very wonderful. An example that I can share is that I’ve been nagging my mother to meditate from like 10 years ago. And then she’ll always give a million excuses of like, okay, wait until I retire. Wait until I settle this, wait until you finish your studies. And so one day I just gave up. I’m like, ah, you don’t wanna meditate? Fine, fine by me. So I also just go and practice myself and I think when she noticed the changes in me, then she started to get interested. Then she’s like, Hey, what are you doing? Can you teach me some meditation? And I was like, yay. So then you’re right. Bringing the attention back to what you can control, not other people, but in correcting your own behaviors, correcting your own dysfunctional reactions and habits then other people are able to really see and learn. One more thing that you shared that I really liked is the fact that there are things that you complain about your parents, they are actually a reflection of the things that you don’t like about yourself. That is so true, I think a lot of us don’t realize that. I think a lot of us think that our family is one thing ourselves is one thing. But how can that be? We come from our family, our parents give birth to us. What we have comes a large part from what they have. [00:10:58] Phimol: Totally. [00:10:59] Cheryl: So learning to accept that these parts of ourself, these fingers come from their DNA, this hair, this face, this features come from their DNA. The way we speak, the way we talk is very, very conditioned because they are the first teachers that we have as well. Hating our parents or disliking our family or even, you know, feeling that we are better than them is like spitting into the sky where the speed will always fall back to your face. You cannot run away from it. [00:11:27] Phimol: Yeah, totally. [00:11:29] Cheryl: So it was very wise of you to be able to realize, oh, I need to accept. And acceptance could mean a lot of things, but for you it meant, doing nothing to stop your controlling. [00:11:40] Phimol: Yeah. it’s a journey you know. It wasn’t so easy to start. I had a life coach, I think you met him before, Jeremy. He shared about acceptance and all that, but after the session was over, I needed something to hold onto like a refuge. Something to continuously learn and practice and always ponder whether it has helped me on my day to day. And that is Buddhism and mindfulness and meditation altogether. Yeah. So that helps me to consistently be on a journey of getting better. So if I have a coach that helps me, that works with me, right? Sometimes I feel that they are the ones doing the work. But when I go to the refuge, I go to the Dhamma. When I try to apply the Dhamma on my day-to-day struggles, why am I suffering so much? Why am I doing all that? Then my learnings are like the wisdom that I gained from it. Then I continue to believe in it and I wanna continue to do more, to continue to be better. It’s like my own friend. I got struggles, let me go to my friend. Let me bring this friend to my day-to-day stuff. So that helped me continuously do my own inner work. When I reflect on the teaching, but it has to come hand in hand, learning about it, reading about it, having the interest about it, wanting to find out more, and then you get those answers. Then you practice and see whether it makes sense. [00:12:58] Cheryl: So what is one Dhamma teaching or learning that you feel that, oh, you always refer to, always try to apply, try to understand in relation to maintaining the harmony with your family? [00:13:13] Phimol: I think I would say non-self. So every time I am unsatisfied with something then I start to ask myself, am I holding on to something too tightly? What am I upset about? The “I” is very loud. What am I holding onto now? What is making me so connected and so tight that I cannot let go? Yeah. Most of the times it’s my views. My views, my perception that I’m correct. I’m right. Yeah. When I’m happy, I think I have the responsibility to do that work, right? So when I have that mindset, it’s not pointing fingers anymore. So it used to be because of you, you, you, I’m upset. Now it’s, I’m upset because there’s something I need to work with. And I say, ah, I’m upset. Okay, what am I attached to? I go back to non-self, impermanence. There are always ups-and-downs. Maybe two weeks later I might not be so affected, but then I don’t wanna be so explosive now. [00:14:13] Cheryl: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It always lead back to the second noble truth, right? If there’s unsatisfactoriness, if there’s suffering, it’s always because of what is it that you are clinging on? What are you wanting? So what I find helpful is to ask the question, oh, what do I want? And then that’s where you think, oh, okay, okay, okay, okay. I want this, I want that, blah, blah, blah. And it always boils down to I want something that is different from the present moment. I want my parents to be different. I want them to do something else. It doesn’t go back to accepting things the way it is. [00:14:51] Phimol: That is so true. Yeah. When you say that, I got like the aha moment. Yeah, you want something that is not now. So you already created that sense of deficit, I would say because if they do A, B, C, then I will be happy. Then I will be satisfied. But is that true? Will it change? It’ll continue to change. So when I say I need a car, then I can be happy. If my mom do this, then I’ll be happy. Then I really saying that I am not happy now. [00:15:19] Cheryl: Sense of deficit. Yeah. That’s interesting. [00:15:21] Phimol: Like the grass is always greener on the other side. But how I put it is, the grass is always greener where we water it. So where we are now, we just need to water it, accept and be happy with what we already have now at the present moment. Then you won’t go and find other grass. [00:15:39] Cheryl: And then you change from the sense of deficit to a sense of, in a way abundance because you’re so grateful and contented with what you already have. Wonderful. So, yes, I think it is also a good opportunity to share about what the Buddha taught about harmony, about amiability and having that feeling of endearment towards each other. Because let’s face it, we are on the path of practice, right? So definitely there are some days where things will get heated and, oh, we just want to *bleep* each other. But these are six things that we can practice which are conducive to bringing harmony, not just within a family, but also with our friends, our colleagues, and even with our spiritual companions, our Kalyanamittas. So the first three are basically your body actions, your verbal actions as well as your mental actions. So your thoughts. When you set yourself with the intention of goodwill with regards to the people around you and both in front of them to their faces and behind their backs, you set it on good goodwill with regards to body actions, verbal actions, and mental actions. This is extremely conducive to amiability, the feelings of endearment, of respect, and having that strong sense of fellowship. And when you have a strong sense of fellowship, obviously, you know, disputes are harder to to come up. Now the next thing is about the idea of sharing. So whatever things that you have, you don’t consume it alone. You always share it together with the people that you have around you. So perhaps it’s information, perhaps it’s good habits, perhaps it’s delicious food. You always think about, ooh, how do I share it with the people around me? And the next is virtue. Virtue here of course refers to the five precepts with the people around you. You have that five precepts. You don’t lie, you don’t steal, you don’t kill, and no sexual mis conduct and obviously no intoxicants. And if you live in tune with the people around you with regards to virtue, this is important in front of them and behind their backs as well. So that means you don’t go and tarnish their reputations behind their back, but in front of them you say, oh, you’re amazing, you’re the best person on Earth. The last one, is Right View. So sharing a common and understanding of the teachings that leads towards happiness. Right? And this refers to the Eightfold Path. And the Eightfold Path in summary is simply just do good, avoid evil and purify your mind, or Sīla, Samādhi, Paññā. Any thoughts on some of the sharings that you know that is quoted from the Buddha? [00:18:28] Phimol: Yeah, when I got some learnings or they call it Paññā, wisdom, then the faith will increase. So I think the essence of the Buddha teaching is to bring about the arising of wisdom within us, right? Ajahn Chah taught that, that which will give rise to wisdom are just the themes of impermanence, unsatisfactoriness, and non-self. I particularly love this quote, to go against the stream of the world to enter the stream of the Dhamma. Yeah, this one really goes very deep into my heart. Because there’s a lot of sensual pleasures that is so difficult to unwire the brain not to dwell into all of this, right? Also from a book that I read from Ajahn Anan, though we are born into this world, we fail to see the world, we become addicted to the world, addicted to forms, sounds, smell, flavors, tactile sensations which are desirable and pleasing. So all this don’t last, it’s just arising and seizing. Yeah, so this gives me a foundational ground to build with. So most of my suffering comes from all of what the world has to the eyes that is pleasing, the entertainment that we watch, that we want it to be more exciting. But all that will come and go. So in terms of going against the stream of the world and to enter the Dhamma, I think it’s one quote that quotes everything. Like it’s so beautiful because it summarizes sensual pleasures, unsatisfactoriness, impermanence, arising and seizing all in one quote. [00:20:00] Cheryl: Yeah. Very, very beautiful. And it also shows that you don’t have to feel lost, right? If you go against the world, you turn your back against the path that everyone is walking towards. Then where next? Right? Where do you go? When you enter into the stream of Dhamma and there is the true refuge that protects us from suffering, from unsatisfactoriness and all the sorrows, the pain, the lamentation of life. So yeah, that is very, very beautiful. Moving on, I’m just very curious to understand how has your relationship with your family changed? In a sense, how was it previously and how would you describe it now? [00:20:44] Phimol: Previously at the part where there is a lot of controlling, that part wasn’t very good. So I had a lot of ill-will, I couldn’t smile. Loving kindness wasn’t there. I couldn’t accept. What I wanted from them is not what they can do very easily. Then now it’s where I can look at them and just laugh. Laugh at it, you know, it’s not so heavy in the heart. Because whatever they do, I accepted that they are like that. When they do something that used to be very bothering to me, now I can laugh it off. I feel that one’s very, very different. Very powerful because it’s no longer creating that attachment to that suffering and ill-will that I used to have. So now it’s very light. Whatever they do is very light. And the conversations we have is also more open and more caring and kindness in it. I think I’ll use the word last time was resentment. Now it’s kind. Yeah. So I can look at them with, ah, okay. They’re like that. This is just the way it is. Then there’s no more other things that is clouding, that adds onto it. It’s just like that. There is not much of the hindrances that arise so quickly. [00:21:55] Cheryl: I’m so happy for you from resentment to kindness. That is very wonderful as well. [00:22:00] Phimol: And one thing to also continue to practice because you know, you will come and go, you’ll arise, you’ll cease. Now it’s good times, you know, there may be times that it may be not so good. Then how to continuously practice. I think that’s what I’m trying to do. So always just five minutes meditation per day so that every time something that is unsatisfactory happening, I just become an observer. I’m not satisfied with this. This is unsatisfactorily arising. It’s not I am unsatisfied, so I try to make sense of it, detach the “I” from the feeling that is coming up. Most of the time you wouldn’t react the way you want to react when you can just observe. And the more I try to do, the more I hope I get better at it. So, yeah, my home ground, my home, my family is my practicing ground to train my mindfulness for a start. Yeah. [00:22:51] Cheryl: And you see that the change outwards also amplifies the change inwards. The peace that you feel ripples across all different aspects of your life when you make peace with your family. So, when I was in the Ajahn Anan retreat, it was very interesting. I have a difficult relationship with my father. And so during the retreat I was just noticing this tension as I was doing loving kindness, and I was realizing. Why does it exist? I’m generally okay with every single person. I said, one person on earth, my father. Which is not that tight anymore. It has, you know, changed immensely throughout the years. But then I realized that if I am not able to let go of the animosity towards my father, I’m not able to run away from the tension that I feel within me whenever I do loving kindness. Because loving kindness is unconditional. It doesn’t have conditions or like, it must be like, that must be, this must be not that person. So then against all my defilements’ wishes, I went to my father, to just really humble myself down to seek for apology, seek for forgiveness, for any harm that I’ve done. And oh, trust me, there’s a lot of harm, especially the mental cycles. Like, oh, when you dislike someone, when you have a grudge towards someone you don’t think very pleasant thoughts. You don’t wish them well. So when I did that, when I seek forgiveness immediately my heart opened up and very easily I was even able to visualize myself giving my father a big hug. I was able to visualize myself just, oh, hugging my father and visualizing my father just smiling very radiantly and being very happy. And I am very happy for his happiness. After that, I realized that the loving kindness that I was able to spread was much, much further. It could really spread to all directions, truly measureless and boundless because I was able to resolve that tightness within my heart. So healing the wounds that we have from our family, turning the attention from outside what other people do to how I feel is very, very important. Not just for the harmony, but also for your own happiness, your own peace. And that is essentially the path of the Dhamma, right? Finding the path of peace, finding the path towards true happiness. [00:25:33] Phimol: Yeah. Adding on to what you said is the turning inwards. So all the things that happened to us, how can we turn back and look within and how to grow from there. Last time it’s more of how can I change the external stuff? I feel that that will make me happy, but now it’s like how can I change the way I see things? And that is more lasting because we can always work on ourself. We can always continue to improve and change the way we see things. And I think the Dhamma is like the ultimate truth. If we understand it well, we apply it well. We adjust to the teachings of the Dhamma, the Four Noble Truths, the Eightfold Path, I think that could probably give us lasting happiness. [00:26:20] Cheryl: That will give us lasting happiness. [00:26:23] Phimol: Yes. Sadhu. [00:26:24] Cheryl: And wonderful. So I think with that we can close off this episode. And if there’s any last piece of advice that you would want to share with our listeners. Festive seasons are coming, so there’s a lot more family time with each other. A lot more friction may happen as well. So what is one thing they can do when they start getting heated by the things that their family members say? [00:26:51] Phimol: Yeah, I think when things get heated right, take a pause and look at it. Sometimes you don’t necessarily have to address the situation or come up with a solution. Sometimes you don’t need a solution, but it’s how uncomfortable we are in a situation when there’s conflict. We often feel, I don’t wanna sit with this. I want a change. I want something that can make me feel better. I need something that’s immediate. You wanna feel better immediately, but when you take a pause, sometimes you don’t need a solution or you don’t need anything to happen to make you feel better, you just need to sit with it. So I think the one advice I would say is to take a pause and just reflect on the views that you have. Reflect on challenging different opinions of others and reflect, am I very attached to my view? Yeah. I wouldn’t put responsibility on outside things that we can’t control, right? There are different people that will say different things to us at certain times, but when I’m feeling upset, what am I attached to? So I asked myself that. Am I attached to this view that I have? Am I attached to wanting things to happen my way? Wow, I think I am. And then how can you take a pause and reflect on what is causing you unhappiness. Is it your view? Is it how you see things? Or is it the people around you that you think they are the one causing you suffering? Most of the time it’s how I see it, how I view it that makes me unhappy. Yeah. Yeah. So I think that is something that maybe could be a takeaway for everybody. [00:28:36] Cheryl: Thank you for sharing. And I think you perfectly highlighted the point that the moment of suffering is the moment of practice. When you suffer, that is your opportunity to practice the Dhamma. And if we were to listen to what the Buddha said, have you heard of the simile of the Saw (Kakacupama Sutta, MN 21) before, Phimol? It’s a fantastic Sutta about basically this woman. She has a very good reputation of being a very kind, very gentle mannered person. And then she has a slave, you know, in India they had slaves, right? So this slave wanted to test her, and the slave every day will wake up later and later and later just to annoy this woman ’cause she was like, wow, she has no temper. So let me try and see whether she has a limit to a temper. So she triggered this lady, she every day wake up late and then the person ask, Hey, why you wake up late? She’s like, no reason, dunno. It’s just for fun. So one day this lady got very angry and then she hit her, she hit the slave. And then the reputation of her changed. Everyone started to say, oh, she’s a mean person. She’s quick to anger, et cetera, et cetera. So the Buddha shared this very, very wise thing, which is that there are five ways that people can address you. They can speak to you in five different ways. The first is timely or untimely. So maybe you’re very stressed and someone come and nag at you, right? Or maybe your mom does that. So timely or untimely. Second, true or false. They could be lying to your face or they could be the most honest person on earth. And thirdly, they could say it in a very affectionate way, very gentle or they could be very harsh. They could be yelling at you. And fourth is beneficial or unbeneficial, meaning the speech could be maybe just gossip, or it could be something that actually helps you to true happiness. And fifth, the person could be speaking with a mind of goodwill, or the person hates you and just speak with you like, oh, I freaking hate this person. So these are the five ways that people could speak with you. But regardless of how people speak to you, the Buddha say the practice is such, our minds should be unaffected.And we will say no evil words. We will remain sympathetic to this person’s welfare. With a mind of goodwill, with no inner hate. We’ll keep sending the person goodwill and beginning with this person in front of us, they’re speaking with us. We also share it to all sentient beings. Abundant, expansive, immeasurable, free from hostility and free from ill-will. It’s how we should train ourselves. [00:31:09] Phimol: Wow. Yeah. Well, this sutta really suits this episode. [00:31:14] Cheryl: Yes, and why it’s called the Simile of the Saw sutta ’cause Buddha gave a couple of examples. But he’s saying, even like there is this group of bandits, they were to carve you up savagely limb by limb with a two-handed saw, you should not let yourself be angered. You should still practice and train yourself in the way that I mentioned just now with goodness, no inner hate, spreading to the person that’s doing this to you and spreading on to every single being, free from ill-will, free from hostility. That’s how the Buddha says everyone should train ourselves. So in the festive seasons, if anyone gets triggered, if someone can get cut up by bandits and not be angered, we should take the opportunity to train ourselves in goodwill, in matter, in loving kindness regardless of the five different ways people could speak to us. [00:32:09] Phimol: Wow, this is very, very powerful. It’s like a thing that, you know, we should continue to look at. Anytime we see anything, go back and look at it and practice. Yes. Yes, yes. Thank you for sharing. [00:32:22] Cheryl: Thank you. And with that we come to the end of the episode. If you enjoyed this episode, feel free to like and share and give us a five-star rating on our podcast. And we are also experimenting with a lot of video content, so feel free to comment what you think of it. If you’d like to see more video, less video, let us know. And until then, we will see you in the next episode. Stay happy and wise. Bye-Bye.
Cheryl loves figuring out life and writing about it. Topics of interest include mental and physical health, mindfulness, self-improvement and the occasional writing that doesn't fall into any of these categories.
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