Ep 59: Buddhism Saved My Life ft.  Harry Ho

Ep 59: Buddhism Saved My Life ft. Harry Ho


Summary

In this moving episode, Hary shares his journey through profound loss, chronic illness, and emotional burnout. Through the practice of Buddhism and meditation, he finds a path to healing, resilience, and self-compassion. His story is a testament to how the Dhamma can illuminate even the darkest chapters of life.


About the Speakers

👤 Haryono (Harry) is currently Senior Director in P&G, he has 14 years of experience working across APAC markets and lived across Singapore, Indonesia and Philippines. He had near death experience, having coma during his teenage life and now living with type 1 diabetes. Buddhism has helped him understand that there is always peace in whatever suffering and unhappiness with regards to mind and body and it’s up to us on how to make sense of it.


Key Takeaways

Self-kindness is foundational

Responding to suffering with compassion instead of self-blame begins the healing process.

Meditation builds inner strength

Regular practice helps manage emotional and physical pain by observing thoughts non-judgmentally.

The Dhamma offers practical tools

Buddhist teachings, when embodied, provide resilience, clarity, and a pathway out of mental suffering.

Transcript

Full Transcript

[00:00:00] Hary: I thought that going to university, new chapter of life but it turns out to be a four years of nightmares.

[00:00:08] Hary: Two months after I moved, my mom passed away. Even more difficult is I didn’t know that my mom passed away. My family doesn’t wanna tell me because they thought that it will ruin my study. So I ended up learning it from my friends.

[00:00:26] Cheryl: Welcome to the Handful of Leaves podcast, where we share practical Buddhist wisdom for happier life. My name is Cheryl, the host for today’s episode where we will be speaking with Hary.

[00:00:37] Hary: Hi Cheryl. Thank you for having me.

[00:00:39] Cheryl: And so today we will be speaking about how the Dhamma, the Buddha’s teachings, saved Hary’s life and how it helped him through his life crisis.

[00:00:53] Cheryl: So Hary, can you give us a quick introduction about yourself to get to know you?

[00:00:59] Hary: Hi everyone. I’m a survivor of Type one diabetes. So I’m 35 now, I’ve been living with diabetes for 16 years now. I was born a Buddhist, but I never really understanding Buddhism.

[00:01:11] Hary: I still remember childhood a lot of happy memories as well, but a lot, a lot, a lot of painful memories.

[00:01:18] Hary: When I was still young, my loved one, my grandparents, each one of them passed away. My mom was a gambling addict, and she will fight a lot with my dad. Sometimes they like scream at each other. All the neighbors will hear about it and there will be times when me and my brother just crying about it. But there’s also a lot of happy memories, right? The love of your grandparents, and when you’re sick, your mom is taking care of you.

[00:01:44] Hary: So it’s a mix of both, and that’s how life is. When I was young, there was always one thing where I found peace and I couldn’t understand it until now when I learn about Dhamma. somehow I just love rains. When it’s raining I will just pull a chair, outside of the house and just be with the rain. Enjoying the breeze of the rain, the sound of the rain, and the peace of not being anyone, not have to worry about the future, thinking of the past. Only now that I know that it’s a form of being mindful.

[00:02:15] Hary: So I moved to Singapore when I was 17. But then that was the four years in university was one of the toughest period of my life. And diabetes is one of them.

[00:02:27] Hary: But diabetes is not the only thing. My mom has been sick for a really, really long time. Two months after I moved to Singapore , my mom passed away. Even more difficult is I didn’t know that my mom passed away. My family doesn’t wanna tell me because they thought that it will ruin my study. So I ended up learning it from my friends.

[00:02:47] Cheryl: How did you take that in when you heard from your friends?

[00:02:50] Hary: I was just crying in a very devastating state of mind. It was very painful memory. Like even now, the painful memory still bring up the unpleasant feelings. Then I quickly book the tickets back at home so that I can attend the funeral and say my last goodbye before all the burial and stuff.

[00:03:09] Hary: And that was like death keep coming up, right? Always something that I was always dreadful about, sometimes to the point that I felt that it’s easier for us to die than seeing our loved one die.

[00:03:21] Hary: And then after that, my medical complication is just gone worse. Six months before I was in coma for diabetes, I was infected with tuberculosis, I will feel pain after just 15 minutes of walking. After 30 minutes of walking, it’ll be unbearable pain. I thought that going to university, you know, new chapter of life but it turns out to be a four years of nightmares where there’s a lot of suffering.

[00:03:47] Cheryl: While all of that hitting you at a very, very young age. How did the Dhamma, that was just a theory became meaningful to you?

[00:03:56] Hary: I didn’t really found out Dhamma until I was probably at my breaking point, right. I remember I have to sort of like injecting myself every time I go out lunch and dinner with friends.

[00:04:07] Hary: And the emotional swing from high blood sugars, low blood sugars, I couldn’t really understand how it affected my emotions. So I went into a state of depression. But I was able to move out of the depression by telling myself that life is so unfair. If life is so unfair, I have to work five times harder to be able to compete with other people.

[00:04:31] Hary: I was able to move a bit of from the depression, but by putting a lot of more self pressure. But think about it, that, that just make you self criticize, putting a lot more stress on yourself.

[00:04:44] Cheryl: But at the short term, it seems to be the best coping mechanism. Correct? Correct. But for the long term, it just burnt you out all the way.

[00:04:51] Hary: Exactly, and it really did happen, right?

[00:04:53] Hary: I was lucky enough to join P&G. It is a good company, treated me extremely well, but work can be very stressed, so that bottle up stress eventually exploded. I could not sleep well. When I go into meeting and when the meeting doesn’t go well, I would like overthink and self criticize.

[00:05:13] Hary: I should have said this, I should have said that. I should have prepared this, should have prepared that. And I keep thinking and lingering over and over to the point that I don’t sleep. I don’t have time to go out with my friends anymore and then that was the moment in time I felt like life is just — on top of all the suffering that you already have with the mental suffering, I was like “why is life worth living?”

[00:05:34] Hary: And why do I have to go through every day? Then one point in time I said that, guys, this is so unbearable, I need to find a cure. Then, probably this is coincidence in life that I went to a talk and the talk topic was how the mind works. It was talked by one of the Buddhist practitioners in Singapore.

[00:05:54] Hary: She actually talk about how the mind create all these suffering and how, if we are not being too personal with it, we don’t need to suffer this much. And somehow it just resonate with me that everything that I created is really self-created. It’s not because of external environment. And then I talked to her after the talk.

[00:06:15] Hary: So I said that, Hey, I’m so unhappy in life. What is your suggestion? And her advice is so simple. Say that “Hary, you just need to strengthen your mind so that you are not caught up into this mental suffering.” The only way to do that is that you need to strengthen your mind through meditations. And she gave an analogy about preparing for marathon. If you never run for a marathon and you try to run for a marathon, you’re never able to do that, right? It will be a massive suffering because your body is just not built to it, right? Same with the mental suffering. So she told me that, Hary, I just started a Friday meditation class in the evening.

[00:06:54] Hary: Why don’t you try to join? So I started to go to the Friday meditation class and I try to do it every day. And gosh, it’s so difficult to meditate.

[00:07:07] Hary: Especially when you just love thinking, love solving problem, love to create. So your mind just couldn’t stop thinking. And then I always felt that I practice very diligently. I do it every day. And I get nothing after putting so much effort. But there was one night I was telling myself that, after all the effort that I give, if it doesn’t work, it’s okay.

[00:07:29] Hary: And that night when I was meditating, my mind went into a very deep concentration zone where it was just all contentment.

[00:07:38] Hary: There’s no thinking and it’s just so nice. And when I came out of the meditations, that’s where everything is just in slow motions and she then talked more about there is a Buddhism learning that you have to experience and learn. And that’s how I learned more about Buddhism and how my journey to practice started.

[00:07:59] Cheryl: This is really, really incredible and your experience where you let go of all the expectations to get a calm mind just reminded me of Venerable Ananda striving for enlightenment. After the Buddha passed, he was rushing to get enlightened before the, you know, the First Buddhist Council. And. Whole night. Right? The whole night. He was just trying so hard to get enlightened. And then when he kind of, semi gave up, right? He just put his head down to the pillow and then the moment his head touched the pillow because of all that letting go, he just achieved enlightenment.

[00:08:32] Hary: Exactly. And, it’s like when we read it, it’s like stories, but when you learn more Buddhism, it’s really about letting go, letting go of craving, clinging, the self, the self-view, investigating internally then, operating externally as like there is a being with an external world.

[00:08:51] Hary: So, so yeah, that’s the power of Buddhism and the power of the Dhamma where it encourage investigations. When you experience it, you start to like, oh, so that’s what it means. And then it gives you a lot more courage and understanding that there is a path that can really end the suffering in this lifetime alone.

[00:09:09] Cheryl: So I want to understand, from the first time you attended the talk and your first experience of stillness what shifted in you and how did you then relate to your suffering differently after that? Because the diabetes still remains, you are still currently having, right?

[00:09:28] Hary: Yeah. And again, the stillness is just a momentary stillness. Then after that, when the stillness disappear, life, the suffering still back, right? But at least it gives me a confidence that there is that moment where I don’t feel much suffering, but I only feel contentment.

[00:09:46] Hary: So that was the first time where I said that, you know what? I’m gonna study Buddhism really, really intensively. I went for Buddhism 101. I spend my Saturday, Sunday learning Buddhism and go for more meditation classes, and put more intention and intentionality and use my weekends within that, right? Then when you’re able to meditate longer in time, you are able to see how just the mind works in more minute parts right? Now, how does it help with the diabetes management? It helps with a lot of self control, right? Because when you are someone who’s lived with diabetes, first of all, you need to maintain a very healthy lifestyle, so even though there is so many good food in the world, you have to put a lot of restraint.

[00:10:31] Hary: Even though when craving arises, you know, don’t go into that craving. How do you see how the mind works and then how do you put more discipline by just watching the mind more and then let go of your craving of all the nice food that is poisonous to you. More importantly, diabetes is not something that caused me a lot of suffering to be very honest, because I felt like the mental suffering from all the things that have happened is so much more for me than my bodily sort of like pain, discomfort.

[00:11:05] Hary: So Buddhism for me, really, really take me out of that cycle of mental suffering. I’m still suffering day on day, there is still things that cause unhappiness in life, but Buddhism helps me to not get cling to that mental state.

[00:11:22] Hary: So for example, you go to work, it didn’t go as per your plans, when that unhappiness started to come, the self criticism come again and then just see that, it just arises and then just watching it. And rather than keep giving a lot of story and energies to the thought, you just let it go and watch it, and then slowly disappear.

[00:11:41] Hary: And that’s where I can live daily, having a lot more contentment and that’s how Buddhism kind of like pulled me out from that cycle of suffering.

[00:11:53] Cheryl: I’m just curious at this stage of your practice what do you think is an aspect of Dhamma, which you still find difficult to apply in your daily life, especially when the mental suffering that arises is very strong?

[00:12:11] Hary: I realize that it will become stronger if I do not keep my practice. But remember, I used to give a lot of excuse why I could not practice.

[00:12:19] Hary: But the last retreat in December where I was with Luang Por Viradhammo retreat in Malaysia, somehow just give me a new determination that, you know what, I will stick with the practices from now on. There is no more excuses, no matter how hard it is, right? So since then, I try to always wake up in the morning, even though it’s tiring to, you know, meditations right?

[00:12:50] Hary: Making coffee in the morning. It’s also the time to practice, right? Because I kept being reminded by many senior monks, they say that, hey, you don’t really need a time to meditate. You can also meditate by doing your daily activity. Because the idea of meditation is really about watching the feeling of the mind, the emotion of the mind. And these days what I like to do is just keep watching on the heart.

[00:13:12] Cheryl: What do you mean watching the heart?

[00:13:14] Hary: Watching the heart is not the physical organ of the heart. In Pali, they call it Citta, some of the monks call it the mind, some of it call it the heart. I found it, it’s a lot more closest to the heart because when we are stressed, there is a lot of compressing energies in this area. So when I was watching the heart, just keep it opened, right? If there is pleasant and unpleasant feeling, rather than pushing it away, I just watch it and accept it in the heart.

[00:13:46] Hary: It helps a bit steady the emotions more throughout, there’s a lot more kindness because you just stay in the heart, right? And somehow I find heart… there’s a lot of kindness in the heart, you can be a lot more kinder to also other people.

[00:14:01] Hary: And you tend to accept both the unhappiness and the happiness without attaching to both the pleasant and unpleasant sensation.

[00:14:10] Cheryl: you know, I’ve heard Ajahn Jayasaro share that the equation of suffering “S” = “P” x “R” And “P” is pain, r resistance or the non-acceptance of it multiplies the pain equals suffering.

[00:14:25] Cheryl: And with that equation, there is actually a situation where you can have pain, but because you have zero resistance, you can actually have zero suffering.

[00:14:38] Hary: Absolutely, and I can attest to that. When we practice over time we keep learning new things.

[00:14:43] Hary: There was one time where, I think I was pretty good at meditation because I practice a lot and when you’re good in meditations you are like, oh, there is like unpleasant feeling, push it away. You try to kind of like bury it right with a lot of your mental strength, but I realized that it never really helps.

[00:15:02] Hary: It helps on that momentary in time, but it will always come back and it come back typically stronger. Same thing with bodily pain. When you’re meditating, you have like a leg pain. When you’re like, oh, leg pain, you go away. I will just stay in awareness because I don’t like you.

[00:15:18] Hary: And the, the pain tends to become multipliers because it will come back. But when you’re just accepting it, like I said, like open the heart and be kind to the pain because the pain always there, the pain just much, much lesser because you are accepting it. You are allowing it to be present.

[00:15:37] Hary: But you are not attaching yourself that I am in pain. There is just a pain. There is a bodily sensations. And one of the trick that I also do for people who are practicing quite well for the eight precept, right? Where you only eat once a day and then you don’t eat anymore. You’ll feel hungry, right? And that is unpleasant sensation. So if you accept the feeling of hunger because you know, hunger will arise because there is a condition to it, right?

[00:16:03] Hary: Then you perceive that as hunger, and then you’re just allowing that to come in, and then when the hunger feeling dissipated, it’s just a warm sensation on the stomach. That’s what I felt that just allowing it to come rather than pushing away.

[00:16:18] Hary: Because when you say that, oh, I’m hungry, or I’m so miserable with hunger, it will just multiply that again. You’re giving it a lot of thoughts, a lot of energies.

[00:16:27] Cheryl: All the suffering comes when we attach to the sensation and start to add the likes and dislikes, thoughts about it, opinions about it, and that’s where we suffer.

[00:16:37] Cheryl: But if we just simply boil it down to the essence, it’s really just a sensation that arises, exist for a while, and it ceases, nothing more to that.

[00:16:45] Hary: Right. Yeah, it’s an analogy of illusions. There are external things that happens to us, but we creating a lot more illusion or what I call as unnecessary illusions and storytelling that create that suffering. When you are in that zone, why don’t you just say that, hey, there’s just a storytelling that is happening to yourself, and it’s just a story, right? Don’t take so much of meaning about it. Just stop, you know, believing in that story.

[00:17:12] Cheryl: And I want to ask you now, with the inner resources that you have built to take care of your heart and yourself, what would you tell yourself in the darkest moments in your life?

[00:17:23] Hary: I don’t think I have that darkest moment anymore. And that’s why I believe that the Dhamma pulled me out of that darkest moment. Yeah there is a bit of suffering here and there, but it’s a momentary suffering because you can, with Dhamma understanding, you can just like understand suffering as just suffering.

[00:17:41] Hary: And suffering also arises and passes away. And when it passes away, then there is no more suffering. When you see the Dhamma, you understand the Dhamma, the power of the Dhamma. I will not trade anything in the world for it.

[00:17:56] Hary: So for example, I have a late night call. A lot of business problem to solve, and then my mind go into like, oh, like stress. Then I remember that, you know, the work day is already end. I cannot solve it now anyway, so just compartmentalize it, putting it away, and meditate.

[00:18:16] Hary: Just be with my present, watch the heart and then just go to sleep. And then the day arises, Monday’s gonna come, the problem’s gonna be there, will come again. Then you understand that it arises, let it arise in the heart, and then slowly it will die down from the heart, and then you go on and live life in more contentment.

[00:18:36] Cheryl: Where you’re at now, what would you tell the you who first found out about your mother’s passing away? What advice or what comfort would you offer?

[00:18:47] Hary: I will tell myself that, I’m sure you have a lot of suffering right now. It’s okay to suffer. Because at that point in time when there is a lot of suffering, because of obviously losing someone that is very close to you, create a lot more suffering in the feeling of regret. Regret of, I could be kinder to my mom, I could be nicer to my mom. I could call her more often from Singapore. A regret of leaving her in pain.

[00:19:20] Hary: So I’ll tell myself that you are in a lot of suffering. It’s okay. Be kind to yourself. You cannot change the past. Don’t let the past eat you. I’m sure that you can do better, but you know it’s already done. So falling into the place of regret and keep thinking about where you should have, could have done better doesn’t really help.

[00:19:46] Hary: So just be kind to yourself.

[00:19:47] Cheryl: Thank you for sharing that, Hary. And now, what does a meaningful life mean to you and how do you make your life meaningful every single day?

[00:20:00] Hary: Meaningful life to me is being content at every single time, at every single moment to be very honest. I know a lot of people have a lot of bigger sort of like mission in life, want to elevate suffering of a lot of people. For me, maybe because I’ve also seen a lot of suffering in myself, my first mission is to remove that as much as I can while also helping other people as much as I can.

[00:20:28] Hary: But where meaningful life to me is be more and more content with life, be less and less personal with life. I always think about this life, that started after 19 years when I almost died, is my second life. In a weird way, I do not fear about death anymore because it’s my second life, right?

[00:20:51] Hary: So whatever additional day I have until that is an incremental life that I had in this world. But I do want to practice as much as I can to see the Dhamma and the deeper part of the Dhamma so that we can live life that has more contentment. When you see a lot of all the very senior monk who practices all the way through their entire lifetime, for me, I’ve never seen people who are as happy and as content as them. Even though they’re old, even though they are having a lot of suffering, right? With the aging and health problem. I want to be like them, so light and I don’t think there’s anything that bothers them. They still feel unpleasant feeling, they still feel pain, but they’re just not bothered by it. Right? So that’s my goal in life. I wanna be more like them so they become an aspiration.

[00:21:43] Hary: While we heard a lot of stories about the Buddha, I’ve never seen the Buddha. I know he exists, but I cannot see that. But that is how I project, like if a Buddha would have experienced life, it’s like the embodiment in them, and that’s how the Buddha, the Dhamma and the Sangha cultures continue. And the Sangha members are the people who you truly respect. And it give you an aspiration that what is the fruit of practice will be right here and now in the present moment.

[00:22:11] Cheryl: Yeah. And I think here and now is something that is so particularly inspiring that the Buddha walk the Earth 2,500 years ago. But yet today in 2025, we still see people who practice the Dhamma well, embodying such beautiful qualities and that we can also be able to cultivate and train ourselves to that level.

[00:22:31] Hary: Absolutely, absolutely right. So when Ajahn Chah always mention about when you’re breathing, you can meditate anytime. You can be content every time, right? So yeah, we have a long way, journey to go to slowly let go of the things that bond us to suffering.

[00:22:48] Cheryl: What is something that you still find difficult in letting go at this moment?

[00:22:55] Hary: Bodily pain is still extremely hard because I have a bit of scoliosis, so sometimes when I sit too long the pain can be quite unbearable.

[00:23:05] Hary: The ego also can be very hard in terms of the work context. Because we all want to achieve something, and we don’t like to be blamed on something, right? So I think that ego it’s still there, you always want a nicer output.

[00:23:23] Cheryl: It’s like the eight worldly winds, but we only want four of it. All the good stuff.

[00:23:27] Hary: Yes, yes, yes, yes. You know, where I started to make more of the daily practices, I remember that business was very tough at work. There’s just a lot of debates with the leadership teams, and everyone’s, when debating the egos is like very strong, right?

[00:23:45] Hary: So one of the things that I’m practicing right now is to be extremely kind. And don’t put my own ego in that conversations, right? So always there like, Hey, how can I help you? Why do you feel that way? And then I realized that people respond with kindness. Rather than when you try to debate because you try to prove your point is better.

[00:24:07] Hary: So these days I try to let go as much as I can. Try to be kind to that person and they responded. And I found that, that in a difficult environment, they’ll respond the kindness, it become like, oh, I can understand your point of view.

[00:24:23] Hary: Here’s my point of view. How do we work? And then sometime my colleagues say that, how come the boss doesn’t flip on you? But it flipped on us even though I was bringing the same point.

[00:24:34] Hary: But I always told them that, perhaps I just speak it slow. There’s not much of intention of debating.

[00:24:40] Cheryl: you are saying the exact same thing that your colleagues are saying. Just your whole intention is much more wholesome. So the way it’s received is also a lot more open, a lot more collaborative.

[00:24:51] Hary: Correct. When you speak with kindness, the first thing that will happen more is that you smile more also when you make your point, right? And when you are a bit more mindful also with the kindness, you tend to speak slower so that you can see other peoples’ body reaction better. Then when they want to speak, you can already start pausing rather than keep going on the train journey of like sharing your idea. So then you allow people to comes in naturally and then there is real discussions instead of it become a debate.

[00:25:22] Hary: So that was what I found was sort of like a new interesting Dhamma practical application in a stressful work environment.

[00:25:31] Cheryl: I just recall one very tense conversation I had with a manager and she was getting very emotional. She was raising her voice and starting to use a lot of accusation. I was just being very mindful, speaking deliberately, very slowly and in a calm tone and opening the conversation into how can we solve this problem? And after a while, she was able to calm herself down and then she realized, oh, she’s really reacting too over emotionally, and that then her focus came back to the right thing, to the problem at hand.

[00:26:06] Cheryl: It really does work and, and people really react to the way that we try to show up.

[00:26:12] Hary: Correct. And that’s another example of the Dhamma practical applications that has fruits in it. Right. That we can see here and now.

[00:26:20] Cheryl: And is there a final, a key message that you want to share with our listeners today?

[00:26:27] Hary: I only have one advice — Always be kind to yourself, no matter how bad hardship and suffering that you face. You have two options. Either blame yourself or you can be more kind to yourself. You know, I preferred the second one over the first one because I tried the first one.

[00:26:47] Hary: And it didn’t really help. And I went to even more suffering because of that. So whoever you are there who are facing some challenges start always, always by being kind to yourself.

[00:27:01] Hary: And then hopefully some of you who are practicing the Dhamma can use the Dhamma to kind of like alleviate a little bit of the suffering day by day with your practice.

[00:27:12] Cheryl: One way I have been practicing being kind to myself, is actually just starting the day by acknowledging the good qualities, acknowledging the effort that I try in times that are difficult or in areas that I’m struggling or not yet good at. And just taking a moment to realize, ooh, it’s not easy at all.

[00:27:33] Cheryl: And that the fact that I’m still showing up, I’m still putting effort. It’s deserving of a pat on the back.

[00:27:39] Hary: Absolutely. And then also you can also think about things that are, you’ve done good, right? Those of you who practice generosity to other people, you can also reflect that, right?

[00:27:50] Hary: Hey, you’ve done good in life. Give yourself pat in the back. Or sometimes, by the way, I also like to do this when I’m extremely stressed: I say that it’s okay, then I go back to my breathing.

[00:28:01] Hary: If I cannot go, if I cannot go to my heart, automatically, I’ll just do this. It’s okay. Life will be okay. You know, all this suffering will be okay. You’re not alone. Right? And I tell myself that, you know, I’m here with you whatever that suffering is.

[00:28:15] Cheryl: You know, just putting my hand here, I already just feel so so, so comfortable and so soothed. so yeah, thank you for sharing that as well. And thank you for sharing about your journey and it’s extremely inspiring how you have gone through basically a 360 degree change in your mindset in how you view suffering as well. So to all our listeners, thank you for staying to the end as well. So stay tuned and join us in our next episode. Stay happy and wise.


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Getting to the Root of it: Dhamma at the Dentist

Getting to the Root of it: Dhamma at the Dentist

For those who haven’t heard of root canal treatment, it is a procedure done by a dentist to, in layman’s terms, dig out the decayed nerves of a sick tooth to try to save the tooth and avoid having to extract it.

Requiring a root canal indicates that there has been pretty serious decay going on for an extended period.

The day I started writing this little essay, it had been one-and-a-half months since I had my first root canal done by a specialist. 

For the past few years, I’d had a nagging ache in my tooth that came and went, but it had never been intense enough to push me to seek a once-and-for-all treatment. 

Simply Put, I Ignored It 

The day finally came when I could no longer bear it. The toothache worsened over 3-4 days and reached its peak while I was on the MRT after a long day of classes. 

My cheek had swollen up, and I could not bite on anything without feeling pain – 10 out of 10 on the pain scale. I decided then and there that I was going to seek treatment once and for all. 

After a few WhatsApp messages and Google searches, I was able to schedule an appointment with a dentist a few days later. 

The dentist confirmed that there was a gum infection going on and, yes, I needed a referral to a root canal specialist (an endodontist) quickly as there was a substantial area of decay within the tooth. 

Theory Meets Reality

Getting to the Root of it: Dhamma at the Dentist

On the day of the procedure, I went to the endodontist’s clinic, signed the relevant forms and consented to the treatment, not knowing what to expect. 

The endodontist injected some painkillers into my gums, and soon my mouth felt numb, a sign that the procedure could begin. 

Despite the painkillers, I was in the worst pain of my life for nearly two hours. The endodontist had to remove the decayed inner parts of the affected tooth – so no amount of painkillers would completely mask the pain.

In order to be free of the pain from having that decaying tooth, I had no choice but to bear with the intense agony of the procedure.  Inside, I begged desperately for the pain to go away – but it only got worse as the procedure progressed.

I was grabbing onto my wrist and pants as hard as I could to try to distract myself from the pain. I could feel my entire body tense up. I felt like my mind was like a lost child desperately looking for his mom in a crowd of strangers.

While lying on the chair inside the ice-cold treatment room, with no one beside me (apart from the dentist and the dental assistant), I was left to fend for myself. I felt lonely. 

Pain as Teacher

Even though the dentist had already tried everything to make me as comfortable as possible, the nature of the procedure was such that it could never be completely so.

First came direct recognition of bodily dukkha (physical suffering) while in the treatment room as a parallel to the unsatisfactory characteristic of saṃsāra, in which suffering beings are trapped. 

I’d tried my best to be a good patient by not interrupting the session, but many times I was not able to bear it, and the dentist had to top up extra doses of painkillers. I was on edge for the entire two hours. 

Finally, the dentist informed me that the session was complete. Waves of relief washed over me. Thankfully, that was the worst part of the procedure, and the subsequent session two weeks later was nowhere near as distressing.

Three Notable Realisations

Getting to the Root of it: Dhamma at the Dentist

I had three notable realisations during the procedure. 

The first was that the entire encounter might have been a teaser as to what would happen to me on my deathbed – being in intense pain and having no one to turn to other than my own mind. 

The second was that despite all the suttas I’ve read, pujas I’ve attended, Dhamma talks and courses I’ve experienced, meditation sessions I’ve done, and Dhamma books I’ve read,  I was unable to bear the pain with mindfulness and clear awareness.

I had a long way to go before I could fully understand the Buddha’s final instruction to his disciples and devotees:

“Vayadhammā saṅkhārā. Appamādena sampādethā”

(“Conditions fall apart. Persist with diligence”)

(DN 16)

The third notable realisation was that even though practising the Dhamma may sometimes paradoxically feel like dukkha, this is the kind of dukkha that I have to dive right through (i.e. face head-on). It had to be done. 

The bitter medicine is the one that is effective, just as I had to face the pain of the root canal head-on before I could be free from the suffering of the toothache. 

Three lessons I took away:

I had ample time with my own raw mind while on the treatment chair. I noticed how my mind reacted to bodily pain – fear and heavy, noisy chatter – despite having theoretical knowledge of the Dhamma.

To be a good Dhamma practitioner, theory is not enough, we need consistent, long-term, actual practice. 

It is usually better to fix a problem early; don’t wait until it gets worse before seeking a solution.

Well, I had chosen to ignore the toothache for a couple of years (don’t follow my bad example). Had I sought treatment early, I wouldn’t have had to face this ordeal.

 Start learning and practising the Dhamma now; don’t wait until a crisis arises and you get caught completely off guard.

 I am reminded of the urgency of practising the Five Daily Reflections as recommended by the Buddha as recorded in the Upajjhaṭṭhana Sutta (AN 5.57): 

1: I am liable to grow old, I am not exempt from old age

2: I am liable to get sick, I am not exempt from sickness

3: I am liable to die, I am not exempt from death

4: I must be parted and separated from all I hold dear and beloved

5: I am the owner of my deeds and heir to my deeds. Deeds are my womb, my relative, and my refuge. I shall be the heir of whatever deeds I do, whether good or bad

Let’s Get to the Root of It

As the Buddha said, the roots of the unskilled are greed (lobha), hatred (dosa), and delusion (moha) (AN 3.69), which lead to suffering. And the root of suffering is craving (taṇhā) (MN 1, SN 56.11). 

So, let us all try our best to uproot this source of suffering – and in the meantime, keep your root canals clean and healthy!


Wise Steps

  • Don’t wait, seek help for health problems immediately
  • Even in pain, there can be a Dhamma lesson
  • Remember the Five Daily Reflections
What Shantideva taught: Having Enough

What Shantideva taught: Having Enough

The content is extracted from the Dhamma sharing by Venerable Thubten Chodron on “A Guide To the Bodhisattva Way Of Life” Watch the full video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Agm106n9zX8

Verse 87. In an empty hut, at the foot of a tree, or in a cave, one remains as long as one desires, and casting off the suffering of guarding one’s possessions, one lives light-heartedly, without care.

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WW: 🤚”Stop prioritising happiness in life. Scientists say it hurts. ” 

WW: 🤚”Stop prioritising happiness in life. Scientists say it hurts. ” 

Wholesome Wednesdays (WW): Bringing you curated positive content on Wednesdays to uplift your hump day.

In life, we often choose what makes us feel good first and avoid the unpleasant. But scientists discovered that prioritising happiness can backfire and move us further away from being truly happy. But what exactly is happiness and how can we pursue it successfully? Here are two sharings that offer some answers: 

1. Don’t chase happiness. Become antifragile.
2. Choose pain first

Don’t chase happiness. Become antifragile.

Cr: Unsplash

What’s going on here & Why we like it

Tal Ben-Shahar, a positive psychologist, used the analogy of the sun to describe the happiness paradox. If we look at the sun directly, we’ll hurt our eyes. Similarly, if we pursue happiness directly, we’ll end up depressed. To resolve this paradox is to understand that 

a happy life doesn’t mean being happy all the time.  Learning to accept, and even embrace painful emotions is an important part of a happy life.

This is parallel to the First and Second Noble Truths that the Buddha taught. 

The first noble truth is all about recognising the presence of suffering and understanding it. The second noble truth states that the reason for suffering is the craving for sensuality, the craving for becoming, and the craving for non-becoming. This means that the more we want to become happier, the more we might suffer. 

The more we don’t want to be unhappy, the more we also suffer. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t pursue happiness at all, we just do it indirectly, as Tal Ben-Shahar shares. How? Using the practical framework called S.P.I.R.E to attain that whole being. Because happiness is much more than pleasure, happiness is a whole being. Similarly, the Buddha also prescribed a framework for happiness – the Noble 8-fold path.

Wise Steps

  1. The next time you experience pain, investigate and explore how you can use it to grow your resilience. 
  2. Reevaluate how you pursue happiness in life and aim to adopt a holistic approach.

Check out the video here or below!

Choose pain first. 

Cr: Unsplash

What’s going on here & why we like it

James Clear, author of Atomic habits, who is known for his wisdom in productivity shares the benefits of doing the painful things first. 

We are more likely to remember our lives as happy if they improve over time. 

This is pretty much like the Chinese saying 先苦后甜 , directly translated as bitter first, sweet after, which is usually used to describe how one will reap the rewards after the pain and hard work. 

Reflecting on this principle in our practice, how often do we expect to experience peace right away in our meditation? Perhaps we give up on meditation because sitting with restlessness or boredom or physical discomfort is tough. But what if we recognise that noticing discomfort is step 1 of the process? If we can be a little more patient with the pain, and see it as a part of progress, we will experience bliss right after. We’re sure that seasoned meditators would agree.  

No pain no gain, some would say. Of course, we’re not suggesting that you deliberately make your life difficult. Rather, we’re suggesting that you embrace the inevitable difficult parts of life and use them skilfully for growth. 

In this article by James Clear,  you can find many examples of how choosing to do the painful thing first is beneficial. James also suggests multiple ways we can use this approach in life for us to see our life as a happier one. 

Wise Steps

Choose to do the ‘painful’ thing first and end your day with the delightful. 

Read it here

What to do when there is ‘nothing’ to be grateful for?

What to do when there is ‘nothing’ to be grateful for?

TLDR: How many of us have heard that we need to be ‘more positive’ and ‘be grateful’, often without much context to this advice? Have we wondered whether it is the most appropriate action for our situation?

A friend suggested that I start a gratitude journal to ‘be happier’. Having heard of the lauded benefits of a gratitude journal but having no urgency to undertake the exercise, I politely said “I’ll ask you more when I want to do it”. 

The second time he mentioned it again, I felt like I was being forced on something I did not need nor want. Nevertheless, I said “okay, tell me more” out of curiosity about his view.

He was probably glad that I was finally open to his suggestion and enthusiastically explained that I need to journal in the following order:

  1. End the day with three amazing things that happened in the day
  2. How could I have made today better?
  3. Start the next day with three things I’m grateful for
  4. What are three things that would make today better?
  5. An affirmation for the day

Be aware of the tunnel-view

Listening to his explanation, I enquired a little more: 

How do you define ‘amazing’? 

Must things always be ‘amazing’ for you to feel grateful?

What if you run out of amazing/good/better ‘things’ to be grateful for?

This friend was probably a little taken aback by my questions and carefully tried to shorten the conversation. I must admit I tend to question certain views/perspectives that seem ‘fixed’ on the surface, something that may not always be appreciated by others.

It is not the intention to challenge people for the sake of it or even to invalidate their views. It is mainly for active discussion on the bigger picture we might have missed by holding tightly to these views.

I do agree there are benefits to looking at (small and big) things in appreciation – like the quote we often hear: ‘What we focus on, becomes our reality.’

At the same time, I caution against whitewashing situations into positivity just because it’s the ‘right thing’ to do.

I see the benefit of honestly assessing feelings/emotions arising and looking deeper to see the source of such emotions and lessons I might find.

What does ‘grateful’ actually mean?

Grateful (adj) is defined in Oxford Learner’s Dictionary as “feeling or showing thanks because someone has done something kind for you or has done as you asked”. 

It makes sense to me that there is a need for a person to be grateful for something, whether or not it results from someone. 

Nevertheless, I’m speaking against forcefully conjuring up positive aspects to be grateful for when it could be more helpful to take a wider-angle approach. 

It was just months ago that I faced this. The old condition of lower back pain returned, in its worst form (yet). Since then, every single step caused a sharp pain in the back, I was unable to sit up or even bend from the waist. 

I joked with my colleagues that I was working horizontally – literally lying down with the laptop on bended knees. The flexibility to work from home was helpful then. 

As the weeks and months developed, the pain spread to the leg, and I was unable to sleep at night due to the almost constant aches. There was not only a worsening physical condition but also the plunging of my mind into darkness – a feeling of helplessness as I was living alone in Singapore. 

The fear crept in: ‘What if I fall, knock my head somewhere and just pass on?’, ‘What if I don’t recover this time?’ 

The familiar treatment cycle returned: specialist visits, scans, physiotherapy visits, chiropractor visits, TCM visits. The pain subsided and returned, sometimes lighter, sometimes stronger. The short period of relief was during deep sittings of meditation. After months of treatment, there was this exhausted air surrounding me.

 

When ‘gratitude’ takes a back seat, what can happen instead?

One day I decided to stop all treatment and laid with all the pain, fear, and anxiety. The pressure of efforts and expectations had finally got to me. I was burnt out from fixing my pain. I was extinguished before the pain was extinguished.

As soon as I made that decision inside my heart to not strive, a surge of peace arose. 

The pain and aches were still present, but the agitation and frustration surprisingly went away. I moved slowly through the days, physically and emotionally. A clear message surfaced for me: Take it slow. 

Sure, there were many things that I could focus on for gratitude: friends who checked up on me regularly, friends who offered to send food, situations that allowed me to work from home, and an understanding boss who allowed my short-notice days off for treatment visits. 

They were all valid ‘things’ to be grateful for. 

I do agree that we could steer the mind to be more aware of positive aspects of our day; not led astray by emotions into the darker side. 

But what if we just can’t? 

Not immediately or maybe not for this situation. We, perhaps, can just be with the pain and see it as it is. Pain is something not to be ‘treated quickly’ but something to be ‘embraced’. That opens us up to opportunities beyond ‘just’ being grateful for ‘things’ that the mind is mechanically forced to churn out.

Contemplate feelings within feelings

Even gratitude is also a variation of feeling, which ebbs and flows according to the situation. Rather than forcing myself to be grateful no matter what and making it an obligation to list things I’m grateful for, it was more helpful for me to watch the situation as it is. 

Frustrating time, grateful time, anxious time, angry time, happy time – they are part of human experiences. It is okay to feel them; see the temporary nature and let them be.

One emotion is not better or worse than the other, I can acknowledge all and not repress those I judge as ‘bad’ emotions. This is what I understood when I recently read Mahāsatipaṭṭhānasutta 10 (MN 10) which explains “contemplation of feelings within feelings”. I realised I was resisting the situation and feeling frustrated when my efforts didn’t bear my expected results.

Ajahn Brahm, a famous monk, mentioned that we sometimes feel guilty at ourselves for feeling guilty as we are ‘not supposed’ to feel that way as a ‘practising’ Buddhist. An unrealistic & painful way to live our lives.

This teaching echoes the Buddha who eloquently explained it:

Herein, monks, a monk when experiencing a pleasant feeling knows, “I experience a pleasant feeling”;

when experiencing a painful feeling, he knows, “I experience a painful feeling”;

when experiencing a neither-pleasant-nor-painful feeling,” he knows, “I experience a neither-pleasant-nor-painful feeling.”

I was feeling physical pain, which resulted in wanting to remove the pain and frustration when I was unable to do so. I had unknowingly amplified the physical pain with unnecessary mental pain. When awareness of this situation arose and I was able to drop the mental pain, only physical pain remained – which wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t that bad either. 

My back’s condition has gotten better; I’m back to light treatment and a more physically active lifestyle since then. 

This experience taught me that the absence of gratitude does not automatically mean ingratitude or taking things for granted. 

Sometimes we may need to see things as they are, even when they do not fit in the ‘positive outlook’ that is repeatedly pushed on us. 

I am keeping my journaling practice, though it’s not reserved exclusively only for ‘gratitude journal’. But rather a blank space to document all kinds of experiences, reflections, and learnings. It brings about a wider life outlook for me than ‘just’ gratitude. 


Wise Steps:

  • Intentionally setting time and space for gratitude is generally a good habit. However, be careful of whitewashing situations with just ‘anything’ to be grateful for
  • Human experiences are rich and varied, encompassing positive and negative emotions – this is the nature of human experience
  • We do not have to force for ‘something’ to be grateful for, it’s okay to allow what we are feeling and see them as they are