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Finding Strength in Sorrow: Coping with Grief through the Four Immeasurables

Finding Strength in Sorrow: Coping with Grief through the Four Immeasurables

by | Apr 19, 2024 | Emotional-mastery, Read, Wellbeing

TLDR: Grief is a challenging process, especially after the death of a loved one. But we can draw inspiration from the teachings of the Buddha, especially about the Four Immeasurables—the cultivation of loving-kindness, compassion, appreciative joy, and equanimity—to work through difficult emotions, counter cognitive distortions, and develop a deeper relationship with our grief over the long term.

View outside the hospital room—there’s always light at the end of the tunnel (September 2023)

When was the last time you talked honestly and openly about grief and death? For many, coping with the death of a loved one can be difficult and painful. In the Singaporean or Asian context, death is often also regarded as taboo, spoken about only in hushed tones, and consigned to the corners of our lives. 

Often, we just can’t, or don’t know how to, or simply don’t wish to confront it, because it’s just too unpleasant to contemplate.

But it’s precisely because grief and death are hard to talk about, that we need to offer it our deep attention and understanding. In the Upajjhatthana Sutta (AN 5.57), the Buddha describes the Five Remembrances, which are recommended for frequent recollection. These facts of life include the truth that we cannot avoid death, and one day we will be separated and parted from all that is dear and beloved to us.

My personal experience of such loss was my father’s struggle with cancer and subsequent passing. In May last year, he collapsed suddenly at home, and had to be rushed by ambulance to hospital. 

At the time, his condition was still unknown, so multiple tests had to be conducted on him while he was still in the high-dependency ward. It was only months later, in August, that he was diagnosed with end-stage bile duct cancer, and it was more severe than anticipated. The doctors estimated that he had only around four weeks left to live (and they would turn out to be right – he had five weeks).

Those final few weeks of my father’s life were a difficult time for me and my family, especially my mother and sister. Every day involved a routine of shuttling between our workplaces, hospital, and home, as hospital visits became a regular part of our lives, and we would take turns to keep my father company. Amidst the sterile smell of antiseptic solution and the periodic beeping of the machines, the constant hum of activity was overwhelming.

I remember navigating a complex web of emotions. Guilt weighed heavily on me during those days spent by his side. I often questioned myself whether I had done enough, and if I could have done more as a son. 

I thought about all the times when my Dad suggested going for overseas trips as a family, like to the Great Wall in Beijing—but I always said I could never find the time. The painful reality was that I had prioritised other aspects of life, like my work, above family time.

Now it would be too late. I’m reminded about how it’s been said that the four saddest words in the English language are “it could have been”. 

But instead of wallowing in guilt and despair, what if we viewed death and grief as valuable opportunities for deeper reflection and personal transformation? After all, over the last few weeks of my father’s life, my family and I had some of our deepest conversations with him—about his memories, our family history, and about the meaning of life and death itself. Amidst the darkness, glimmers of light can still shine through—even in the face of loss, there is still room for shared connection and precious moments of joy.

One way of understanding death and grief is through the Four Immeasurables, or Brahmavihārās. Described by the late Buddhist teacher Ayya Khema as “the only emotions worth having”, the Four Immeasurables offer us a helpful framework to practise developing positive mind states and avoid negative ones. 

By cultivating the Four Immeasurables, we can emulate the mind states of enlightened beings, while sowing the seeds of limitless (and hence ‘immeasurable’) goodwill towards ourselves and others.

Metta: Loving-Kindness

The word ‘loving-kindness’ is interesting. The first half is ‘loving’—and as the late Queen Elizabeth II famously said, grief is the price we pay for love. 

In other words, grief is the natural extension of love, because they are inherently intertwined. Grief reveals itself in the corridors of the pathways we once walked together with our deceased loved ones, in the empty spaces of rooms where they once lived and laughed, and even in the scent of their belongings—like the old books that my father once owned.

Since love entails grief, should we just love less, or even give up on love? Clearly, that’s a misconception, or what psychology would refer to as a cognitive distortion. 

The second half of the word ‘loving-kindness’ holds the clue as to why. The key lies in how we love—when we dwell less on our attachment to our loved ones, we can devote more attention to answering their needs more effectively, and express a deeper level of kindness towards them. The practice of metta itself can inspire such kindness and generosity. As the writer Leo Tolstoy put it, “Kindness enriches our life; with kindness, mysterious things become clear, difficult things become easy, and dull things become cheerful.”

We can show metta to our loved ones in simple ways, even just by spending quality time with them. For instance, I would ask Dad during my visits what he would like to eat, but he had no appetite, and often he felt nauseous. 

He also mentioned he felt cold at night so I brought him a quilt with a sign reading “My Dad”, even though the hospital provided plenty of blankets. To keep my father focused on positive thoughts, my sister and I asked him about his childhood memories, his life as a teacher, his growing-up years, how he met our mother, and what it was like bringing us up.

Every day felt like Tuesdays with Morrie, the 1997 memoir by Mitch Albom about his visits to his terminally ill former college professor. As the poet Philip Larkin once put it: “We should be kind / While there is still time.”

The quilt for my Dad (May 2023)

Just as Dad used to recite lines of poetry to me as a child, so I read and recited poems to him at his bedside as well, such as the poem ‘Invictus’—which is about resilience in the face of adversity. I also shared stories from the newspapers with him. 

At the time, the Singapore presidential elections were ongoing, so I would update him about it too. With my dad, I learnt the value of cherishing every moment with loving-kindness.

Karuna: Compassion

Another valuable mind-state is karuna, or compassion. It’s not about feeling sorry for our loved ones, but about feeling with them, and journeying alongside them for as long as we can.

This journey can be difficult, which entails recognising suffering as an inevitable part of life, and often also fosters a deeper sense of compassion towards others who are also suffering or grieving. We are not alone in our pain.

My dad’s struggle with terminal cancer was undoubtedly painful. Each day, as I pored through the lists displayed by the hospital staff describing pumps, tubes, vials, injections, pills, and wipes, I couldn’t help but think about mortality, vulnerability, and frailty — in the end, it all came down to this. 

It was the first Noble Truth staring at me in the face. The fear and uncertainty that accompanied such terminal illness were paralysing. Every morning, I would wonder whether the doctors would bring worse news, or if that very day might be my dad’s last.

Dying people also sometimes make strange sounds—in my father’s case, especially towards the last few days, it was a kind of dry gasping and rasping. I remember one particular night when the pain from the cancer was particularly unbearable, and his face would be contorted with grimaces of pain. 

Witnessing someone you love endure such physical suffering is heart-wrenching, to say the least, and it leaves an indelible mark of sorrow.

But this is when the Dharma provides the timeliest of medicines. By acknowledging suffering rather than pushing it away, we can discover a wellspring of strength within ourselves. After the hospital administered painkillers for my father each day, my family and I would also chant at his bedside, including the name of Amitabha Buddha (Namo Amituofo), mantras (like om mani padme hum), and the Heart Sutra (Xin Jing, also known as the Prajna Paramita Hridaya Sutra). As we dedicated the merits of such recitations to him, he would noticeably breathe more easily and sleep more peacefully.

As a friend advised—and as medical professionals also affirm—the sense of touch is usually one of the last faculties to go. As my father drifted off to sleep each evening, I would often hold his hand, providing not just physical but also emotional and spiritual warmth.

A loving touch, fuelled by tenderness, offers not just a sense of connection but also serves as a balm from pain.

Besides showing compassion towards our loved ones and others, we mustn’t forget to be compassionate to ourselves too. Caregiver burnout is a real danger, and it’s crucial to remember that while we may feel consumed by grief, we must also prioritise our own well-being. 

The Buddhist teacher Mushim Patricia Ikeda has formulated a “Great Vow for Mindful Activists”: “I promise, for the benefit of all, to practice self-care, mindfulness, healing, and joy. I vow to not burn out.” Taking time for ourselves is not selfish but necessary for healing. Whether it’s seeking support from friends and family, or engaging in activities that bring us joy, self-care allows us to replenish our energy and find solace amidst sorrow.

Mudita: Appreciative Joy

Losing a loved one is a painful experience. Losing a parent, in particular, brings an added dimension of loss: their departure represents the closing of a chapter in our lives. Parents are usually the source of guidance and support for us—their presence symbolises a sense of stability, security, and belonging.

With their passing, we may feel lost, unmoored, and unanchored, with all the childhood memories and family traditions associated with them also threatened by loss.

But what if we transformed this mindset of feeling fearful and threatened into a more positive mind state of being grateful and appreciative? Mudita, or appreciative joy, reminds us that we can choose to focus not on fear or regret but rather on existing opportunities for gratitude.

I’m reminded of Ajahn Brahm’s oft-shared story in Opening the Door of Your Heart about how a life is like a musical concert—we should applaud at the end rather than grieving that it has concluded.

In the case of my father, I was deeply inspired by his sheer emotional strength. Despite everything he went through—treatments, operations, and long hospital stays—he never allowed himself to become consumed by despair.

He demonstrated what true grit looks like, and he imparted valuable lessons about finding strength within ourselves during life’s most challenging moments.

Devoting time to cultivate appreciative joy can be deeply cathartic. On the afternoon of my father’s passing, my family and I had a “Showers of Love” ceremony, during which we had the opportunity to clean and dress my Dad’s body for the last time. It was like a sacrament and a blessing—a final act of service to convey our gratitude to him, and bid him farewell. 

Together with my mother and sister, we helped my Dad to put on his favourite suit before we laid him in the casket.

As I said in my eulogy for him at the crematorium, it’s just like the words of Shakespeare—“the wheel is come full circle”. The whole service was personal, heartfelt, and deeply meaningful.

Dad also specifically said to thank the medical team at National University Hospital who supported us closely over those final few months. That’s exactly what my family and I did: we personally delivered appreciation cards and a gift basket to the hospital staff.

Writing a long appreciation email to them was also a way to pay tribute to their dedication and support. In addition, we put up a five-star Google review for the funeral company (The Life Celebrant), as they bestowed a meaningful and dignified farewell for my father. Such gestures not only honoured my Dad’s wishes, but also cultivated appreciative joy for all who helped to support him during the challenging period of his final days.

The garden at the hospital (May 2023)

Upekkha: Equanimity

Grief and death can offer valuable lessons about the nature of life itself. Developing upekkha, or equanimity, can help us to find peace and cultivate gratitude for the present moment. My father’s experience showed me that accepting impermanence doesn’t mean giving up hope or resigning oneself to despair.

Rather, it means acknowledging reality while still nurturing a firm optimism and resilience that can inspire others.

By embracing impermanence, we can cultivate a deeper appreciation for the preciousness of life, especially of a life in which we have the opportunity to encounter the Dharma. We learn to cherish every interaction, every smile shared with our loved ones, and the beauty of every fleeting moment, precisely because we understand that “all conditioned phenomena are impermanent” (Dhammapada, verse 277).

I’m reminded of a talk, years ago when I was an undergraduate, given by a medical doctor who was a featured speaker during the Dharma Camp organised by the National University of Singapore (NUS) Buddhist Society.

As he observed, when we die, we usually don’t die all at once—instead, we die in bits and pieces. The eyes or other faculties might first weaken, and then the major organs go one by one, until finally, it’s the heart or lungs that cease to function, and then breathing itself gives way. 

The piecemeal nature of the dying process prompts the question: where is the self? However hard we might try to locate or isolate this aspect of ‘me’ or ‘mine’, we find that the self ultimately dissolves.

There’s no solid or stable self that can persist or endure no matter how hard we attempt to grasp it.

Similarly, the Soto Zen priest Tenku Ruff describes grief not as a thing in itself but as a process or continuum that unfolds at a pace of its own. There is no single right way to grieve. We can give ourselves permission to experience our grief without judgment or self-criticism.

Based on our respective situations, we can find out for ourselves what works best, such that we can hold space for healing and honour the memory of our loved ones.

Rituals can be particularly helpful to cope with grief. In the Chinese Buddhist tradition that my family and I practise, we chanted sutras and mantras, and dedicated merits to my father every seven days, starting from the day of his passing.

We also commemorated the 100th day since his death, which happened to fall exactly on 1 January this year. It was a touching tribute that allowed me and the family to process our own emotions while paying homage to my Dad’s legacy.

As the palliative care physician Ira Byock suggested in Dying Well, the suffering of dying can be alleviated through deathbed rituals that are designed to promote forgiveness. The dying can be encouraged to engage in the following five steps, summarised as: “Forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you. And goodbye.”

Imagine if we don’t have to be on our deathbeds before we engage in such rituals. What the Dharma teaches us is how to attend to our grief, just as we can be mindful of our breath during sitting meditation. Instead of resisting our feelings, we can pay attention to our sorrow, loneliness, and the whole myriad of complex human emotions that arise from the experience of loss. We can observe these feelings with kindness and wisdom, before we open our hearts, and let them go. 

I’m sure my Dad would have approved.

Wise Steps:

  1. Treasure precious opportunities to connect with our loved ones while they are still around, especially by spending quality time with them.
  2. Engage in meaningful rituals with the right intention, whether in terms of deathbed rituals that promote forgiveness, or chanting practices that can help to dedicate merits to our departed loved ones.
  3. Practise mindfulness, including of our own grief, and seek support from friends or family who can provide support and guidance when navigating through difficult emotions.

Helpful Resources

References

Albom, M. (1997). Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life’s Greatest Lesson. Doubleday.

Brahm, A. (2009). Opening the Door of Your Heart: And Other Buddhist Tales of Happiness. Hachette Australia.

Byock, I. (1997). Dying Well: Peace and Possibilities at the End of Life. Riverhead Books.

Ikeda, M. P. (2023, November 20). I Vow Not to Burn Out. Lion’s Roar. Retrieved from https://www.lionsroar.com/i-vow-not-to-burn-out

Larkin, P. (2001). The Mower. Collected Poems. Farrar Straus and Giroux.

Lion’s Roar Staff. (2019, November 19). What Are the Four Brahmaviharas? Lion’s Roar. Retrieved from https://www.lionsroar.com/what-are-the-four-brahmaviharas

Popova, M. (2019, July 21). Leo Tolstoy on Kindness and the Measure of Love. The Marginalian. Retrieved from https://www.themarginalian.org/2019/07/21/leo-tolstoy-kindness-calendar-of-wisdom

Wade, B.; Ruff, T., & Damchö, D.F. (2021, October 1). Ask the Teachers: How Can the Dharma Help Us to Work Through Grief? Lion’s Roar. Retrieved from https://www.lionsroar.com/ask-the-teachers-how-can-the-dharma-help-us-to-work-through-grief

Animals live to eat. What do you live for?

Animals live to eat. What do you live for?

by | Jan 10, 2024 | Purpose & Happiness, Read

TLDR: Reflect on existence: What truly moves you? What do you live for? Venerable Jian Xin shares her journey from tears to clarity on the path.

A Zen Master’s question that changed Everything

It happened more than twenty years ago. However, the memory is still so vivid that it seems like it happened yesterday. It was more than ten years after I became a Buddhist and I had met with some spiritual setbacks. 

At that point, I was feeling quite disillusioned with my spiritual life, so I took leave from work and attended a seven-day Zen Retreat. The many rounds of sitting and walking meditation greatly calmed my mind.

Soon, it was time for my interview with the Zen Master. I stepped into the room and sat down in front of him. Immediately, I felt enveloped by an immense sense of peace. He looked at me and asked, “Do you have any questions?”

I looked at him and shared what had been bothering me for quite some time: “Zen Master, I have been feeling quite lost. In fact, I have been feeling quite disillusioned with my spiritual life.”

He paused for a few seconds and asked me a question that still seems to ring in my ears today: “Animals live to eat. What do you live for?”

Tears immediately welled up in my eyes. Something deep within me was moved. Tears then began to roll profusely down my cheeks. 

I could not stop them. They were tears of suffering, tears of joy; tears of suppression, tears of freedom; tears of Samsara and yet, tears of awakening.

From confusion to clarity

“What do I live for?” – This question had been bugging me since I was very young. Finally, I found the answer to my life purpose through the first Buddhist book I read when I was fifteen. 

Through the years, all my major life decisions were centred around my life purpose – decisions regarding my studies, my career, and my relationships.

However, there were a few times when I was misaligned. I am deeply thankful that I would encounter teachers and episodes, like the above-mentioned Zen interview, which would reconnect me with my life purpose.

I remember a Buddhist parable that I read when I was doing my Philosophy studies at university. This parable was quoted by Leo Tolstoy, a Russian writer who is regarded as one of the greatest authors of all time. 

In this piece of writing – “A Confession”, he quoted this parable that to him, genuinely revealed human reality. He wrote, “And this is no fable but the truth, the truth that is irrefutable and intelligible to everyone.”

From honey drops to realisation

This “Parable Sutra” was related by the Buddha to a king named “Brilliance”. Long ago, a man was travelling through the wilderness and was chased by a wild elephant. He fled and came to an empty well.

Dangling into the well was the root of a tree, and he quickly climbed down the root. At the bottom of the well was a poisonous serpent. Two rats, white and black in colour, gnawed at the tree root above him. 

A hive in the tree root contained the honey of bees, five drops of which fell into his mouth.

The wilderness symbolises the path of ignorance. The person fleeing is a metaphor for the ordinary man, while the elephant represents impermanence. The well is a metaphor for the shore of Samsara (Cycle of birth, death and rebirth). 

The tree root represents life and the two rats gnawing at the root symbolize day and night. The serpent symbolises death and the dripping honey is a metaphor for the five sense desires (sight, sound, smell, taste and touch).

So here we are, wandering in the wilderness of ignorance, fleeing from the elephant of impermanence, clinging to the root of life, knowing that the serpent of death is inevitably awaiting us. 

The rats of day and night are gnawing at our lives. The drops of honey – are they still sweet to you?

Reflecting on Purpose: What Moves You?

Have you thought of your existence and what truly gives you meaning? Personally, aligning with my purpose in life eventually led me to renounce and become a Buddhist nun. 

I cannot think of a better way to live my life meaningfully. 

Back to the episode I mentioned at the beginning – what was it that I reconnected with, deep within me, that brought tears to my eyes? 

The tears were about the suffering of sentient beings in Samsara and also about the bliss of awakening.

Yes, at that moment, I was deeply reconnected with this precious jewel – Bodhicitta, the mind that strives towards Enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings. This is what I am living for.

Animals live to eat. What do you live for?

Wise Steps:

  1. Learn from misalignments, allowing them to guide you back to your life purpose.
  2. Reflect on symbolic parables, like the man in the well, to gain a clearer perspective on life.
  3. Consider renouncing distractions to live a more purposeful and meaningful life.
Ep 37: 84 Years A Buddhist – Profound Lessons on Life, Death and Kamma

Ep 37: 84 Years A Buddhist – Profound Lessons on Life, Death and Kamma

by | Nov 1, 2023 | Podcast

About the Speaker

Vijaya Samarawickrama, fondly known as Uncle Vijaya, is a respected figure within Buddhist communities, delivering countless inspiring Dhamma talks at universities, schools, and Dhamma centers throughout Malaysia, as well as in Singapore and Australia, spanning over six decades. In addition to his speaking engagements, he held the role of Patron at the Sasana Abhiwurdhi Wardhana Society in Kuala Lumpur and served as the Chairman of Nalanda Institute’s Education team. He represented Malaysia in various Buddhist conventions and conferences, both locally and internationally. He has authored over a dozen booklets, with more than 150,000 copies distributed worldwide. Before his retirement, he held the position of a senior lecturer at Universiti Teknologi Malaysia and worked as a lecturer in Drama and Theatre, Public Speaking, and World Religion at Taylor’s University American Degree Program.

Key takeaways from this interview:

Lessons on Acceptance and Philosophical Reflection:

Uncle Vijaya’s journey began with early losses, losing his parents during World War II and the communist insurgency. His acceptance of these circumstances reflects a philosophical perspective on life and death. He emphasizes the inevitability of death, quoting Shakespeare, “Death, a necessary end will come when it will come.”

Facing Personal Loss and Evolving Perspectives:

From the death of his parents at a young age to the recent losses of siblings, Uncle Vijaya shares how his perspective on death evolved. Overcoming the “Why Me?” syndrome, he embraces a philosophical approach, recognizing the transient nature of life and the importance of being prepared for the inevitable.

The Buddhist Approach to Death:

Uncle Vijaya delves into the Buddhist perspective on death, emphasizing the present moment’s significance. He quotes the Kālāma Sutta, highlighting the Buddha’s teaching on doing good for the sake of a good mind, rather than seeking rewards in an afterlife.

Readiness for Death and Living in the Present:

Addressing the common fear of death, Uncle Vijaya guides listeners to focus on the present moment. He encourages cultivating a good mind by following the five precepts and purifying the mind from defilements. The readiness to face death lies in being mindful and living a meaningful life.

Metta, Karuna, Mudita, and Upekkha: Keys to Well-being:

Uncle Vijaya introduces the four Brahma Viharas as essential practices for creating well-being. He explains Metta (Loving-Kindness), Karuna (Compassion), Mudita (Altruistic Joy), and Upekkha (Equanimity) as tools to transcend selfishness and cultivate happiness within.

Equanimity: Beyond Emotionlessness:

Contrary to misconceptions, equanimity (Upekkha) doesn’t imply emotionlessness. Uncle Vijaya clarifies that the Buddha, while displaying equanimity, had his emotions under strict control. Equanimity involves maintaining compassion without personal attachment, as exemplified by a surgeon performing a critical operation.

Applying Brahma Viharas to Grief and Loss:

Uncle Vijaya advises empathy over preaching when someone is grieving. He emphasizes the importance of physicalizing pain through communal rituals, acknowledging the wisdom of funeral rites in helping individuals come to terms with loss.

Transcript of the Interview

Click here for the transcript

[00:00:00] Cheryl:

Welcome to the Handful of Leaves podcast episode. Today I have with me, Uncle Vijaya dialing in from BGF KL. Welcome Uncle Vijaya.

[00:00:10] Uncle Vijaya:

Thank you, Sukhi Hotu (May you be well and happy).

[00:00:13] Cheryl:

Very lovely to have you here. Today we will be talking about love, death and dying. A quick introduction about Uncle Vijaya. He is a prominent figure in the Buddhist circles, having given more than 100 talks in universities, schools and Dhamma centers for the last six decades. He’s also a longstanding member of the Sasana Abhiwurdi Wardhana Society in KL, as well as the Nalanda Institute. Uncle Vijaya has represented Malaysia in numerous Buddhist conventions and conferences, both locally and abroad. And he has also given numerous inspiring Dhamma talks throughout Malaysia, Singapore, and Australia. So very honored to have you here, Uncle Vijaya.

[00:00:58] Uncle Vijaya:

Thank you for calling me.

[00:01:00] Cheryl:

Thank you. This is a very challenging topic on death and dying. Would you like to open and share with us about your personal experiences with loss?

[00:01:12] Uncle Vijaya:

Ah, personal experience with loss. Yes. But personal experience with death, not yet. I’m now 83 years old. So I’ve seen lots of people come into my life and a lot of people leaving. Yeah. And it doesn’t surprise me. Only this year, I lost two sisters. One sister died in January, just this year. And the other sister died in February in Singapore. Since I’m talking about being 83 years old, I lost my parents at a very, very young age. I was only six years old when my mother passed away just after the Second World War. So she was actually a victim of the deprivations that we went through during that time.

Then soon after that the communist insurgency took over and my father was killed by the communists when I was 12 years old. So, I’m no stranger to death. And it did affect me in a lot of ways, but the moral of the story is in the end we survived. It was difficult, I could have been bitter about it, could have blamed a lot of other people. But from my vantage point now, I’m saying, well, that’s the way kamma works. So I’m ready for the worst.

[00:02:41] Cheryl:

Thanks for sharing. I’m very curious to know from the first death that you experienced at six years old and just this year at 83 years old, how has your perspective changed in terms of accepting this death of your loved ones?

[00:02:56] Uncle Vijaya:

I think the word that comes to mind is philosophical. It’s something that, when I was younger, I resisted. And the “Why Me?” Syndrome. Why should I have to suffer this kind of thing? But as you go through life, and you see people dying at every stage of their own lives from very young to very old, and it is something that happens to everybody. What’s flashing through my mind is Shakespeare, where Julius Caesar says, of all the wonders that I have yet heard and seen, it seems to me most strange that men should fear seeing that death a necessary end will come when it will come. When I learned that I was in form five, so I was about 15, 16 years old. It didn’t mean what it means today to me. When it comes, it will come. You just have to be prepared for it. That’s what the Buddha says all the time. Death is not something you can predict. You can design, you can create. When it happens, are you ready? Then again, it’s not so much the fear of the actual act of dying, but what happens after that? Where will I go? What will I do?

And in the Kālāma Sutta (AN 3.65), the Buddha has a beautiful teaching on that. How do we approach death? How do we regard death? What will happen when I die? There are those who believe that when I die, I will either go to a heaven or to a hell. So what is my reason for doing good? My doing good is to book a place in heaven, but the Buddha says, what if you spend your whole life and it’s still fun being good, and you make so many sacrifices and you work so hard trying to be good all the time, hoping that when you die, you will go to heaven. Okay. You will go to heaven. Then the Buddha asked, what if you do all of this and then you die and you find there’s nothing out there. If there is a heaven, well and good. Even if there is a hell, well and good. What if there is no heaven, no hell.

Then the Buddha says, that’s not the reason we are good. We don’t do good in order to get that reward in heaven or that punishment. We do good because in this life, good is rewarded by good states of mind. So I live this life. Yeah, basically following the five precepts, the basic minimum, all right, I do that. And always in the knowledge that as I go through this life, I am not creating problems, I’m not running away from problems. I’m spreading happiness. I’m spreading well-being. And that itself is my reward. If there is a heaven, I accept that reward. If there is no heaven, I have not lost anything in this life. This is the Buddhist reason for being good. The Buddha doesn’t base his teaching on something that cannot be proven. Heaven and hell cannot be proven. Another life cannot be proven. The Buddha says don’t waste your time worrying about those things. What is important is the now, to be ready.

Again, we go back to Shakespeare, the fear of death. In Hamlet, there is a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. Every life, every death. There is a reason. There is a moment. We are thinking of the fear of death. We are afraid that we will die. If we die now, then don’t worry. Because you don’t have to worry tomorrow. You’re already dead. You see? Yeah. So if it be now, it is not to come. If it is not to come, it is now. If it be not now, yet it will come. If it be now, whether it’s now or future or never, it will come. Then comes the lovely line, Buddha’s line, Buddha would approve. The readiness is all.

In Buddhism, we always talk about the present moment. At this moment of time, am I ready to die at the next breath? Are we ready? It’s as simple as that. Don’t worry about heaven, hell, preparation for funerals. We can talk about that. After that, you go alone. The only thing that can follow you is your kamma. Your good kamma, or your bad kamma. That’s your relative. That’s your friend. That’s your inheritance. That’s the only thing you take away with you. But in the meantime, the readiness is all. Are you ready to die next moment?

[00:08:29] Cheryl:

How can we be ready? Because I feel like for most of us, we are very busy. We are very stressed. We are never really in the present moment. And we really just try to pretend that death doesn’t come to us, especially when we are still young.

[00:08:43] Uncle Vijaya:

Yeah, but the Buddha says you look all around you. It’s happening to you all the time. That’s why we say of the best realms to be born in is this human realm, because in this human realm, you don’t have a fixed lifespan, where you can say, Oh, I have 40,000 years to live like you can in the deva world. You can never predict. You can never tell what will happen. Nobody needs to tell you that. Your existence in this world, you are going through the experience. People are dying in front of your eyes. Some dying at the age of a few months. Some dying when they’re 90 years old, some waiting to die, cannot die. And then we see all of that happening all around us. We don’t need the Buddha to tell us that. And the Buddha keeps saying, use your own eyes, experiential. And how can you then say it won’t happen to me? How can you then say it won’t happen to me tomorrow? Use your human intelligence. Don’t believe whatever people tell you, don’t believe what the scriptures tell you. Okay. Use your own eyes. This is the Buddha’s teaching. So you are young, that’s denial. Denial is different from not seeing the truth.

So the readiness is all back again. And then the Buddha says all the time, don’t worry about tomorrow because it’s not come yet. Don’t worry about yesterday. It’s already gone. All that you have over which you have control is this life, is the now. It is this present moment that you can control. You can’t control anything else. When you know that, then you say, okay, what do I do to make this present moment meaningful? And the Buddha has a teaching for that. He says to make this moment meaningful, do good, avoid evil, purify the mind. Purify the mind, get your mind clear of lobha (greed), dosa (hatred), moha (ignorance). Ignorance, greed, and hatred. These are the things that are eating at us. These are the defilements. Those three, remove them, remove them. Make sure you destroy your illusion. Don’t pretend that there is a real person here. Sitting down here. How do you understand that? What do you understand by me, I, self? What does that mean? When you understand that, when you see what composes you, then your hatred, your attachment, you stop holding on, grabbing. And because when you grab, you suffer. When you let go, you are free. All these negative states, get rid of (them). Full-time job. Full-time job. Okay?

So do good, avoid evil, easy. Five precepts. But that’s not enough. If all it takes to be a good Buddhist, do good, don’t kill, don’t steal, don’t commit sexual misconduct, don’t tell lies, don’t take drugs. If that is all that it requires, my dog is a very good Buddhist. My dog doesn’t kill. He doesn’t steal. Well, the other one, I don’t know. The dog doesn’t tell lies. And has he ever smoked a cigarette? But what’s the difference? We are Manussa (human). Manussa (human), that which has a mind that can be developed. Do good, avoid evil, purify the mind. That’s the difference between us and the dog. And that’s the opportunity we have. What does the purification of the mind mean? Get rid of your delusion. Get rid of your greed. Get rid of your aversion. You get these three, you are living in a state of happiness and peace here and now. So while I’m in that state and I die, it stands to reason that state will continue into the next life. So I go to heaven, heaven. So the Buddha says it’s very easy. Don’t worry about heaven. Be in heaven now. Yeah.

Which brings us to the next point, be in heaven now, how do you do that? Buddha has the answer. He says we follow the four Brahma Vihara, the four states of well-being, the four states of happiness, Brahma Vihara, Brahma in Hinduism is heaven, is God. Vihara, a dwelling place. Where God dwells is heaven. The Buddha says, you don’t have to die to go to heaven. You create the conditions of heaven here through Brahma Viharas. Metta (Loving-Kindness), Karuna (Compassion), Mudita (Altruistic Joy), Upekkha (Equanimity). Remember, it’s all in the mind. Metta is the state of well-being, the state of feeling good about yourself, and radiating that feeling of goodwill, of love, of unconditional love towards all that exists. Not fellow humans, not fellow Buddhists, anything that breathes.

If you can have that feeling of love and contentment, you don’t need to go to heaven to be happy. You are happy here and now. And if in that state you die, you are automatically born into a good world. It’s not work or trying. It’s just creating the condition, creating the condition, that’s being Buddhist. Okay. Don’t worry about others. Don’t point fingers at others and say, they don’t do this, they don’t do that. You know, they’re stupid. We are clever. No, worry about your state of mind. So you have Metta. Metta is where it is sort of unilateral. It just spreads all over. You don’t choose. You don’t pick whom you love and whom you don’t. That’s Metta.

[00:15:47] Cheryl:

But I find that Metta is very counterintuitive because a lot of times we place conditions on why we love, what we love, who we love.

[00:15:57] Uncle Vijaya:

That’s why we have this word, unconditional love. As a mother loves her only child, so do I spread this feeling of happiness, goodness towards all beings. Buddha doesn’t stop there. Two legged, four legged, no legged, moisture borne, womb borne. He covers everything that breathes. So if you say, I only love my son. No, no, no, that immediately disqualifies. Immediately because at the end of all of this, you are working towards destroying your illusion that there is an “I” in here. The process is to kill the ego.

[00:16:47] Cheryl:

Just to tie this back to your own experiences of losing your parents, because they were victims of World War II and the communist insurgency. How did you, if you ever develop Metta for the people who harmed your parents?

[00:17:03] Uncle Vijaya:

At that point of time, and even today, I think I don’t see a connection between what happened to my parents and what happened in the world. My parents had to follow their own kamma, and I had to follow my own kamma in that I had to be born through them. That was part of my kamma. I accept that. In spite of the earlier childhood, thanks to the fact that I had an Uncle and an Aunt who adopted me and educated me, after that, I went on my own. So whatever pleasant situation I’m enjoying now was partly that I didn’t surrender to it. But at the same time, I didn’t waste time on self-pity. That’s important. And Buddhism taught me that from a very young age. This is okay. Somebody else is happier than me. Okay. Which brings me back to Metta.

Karuna is where you feel compassion to somebody who is not as well as you. I’m doing well. I mean, during tsunamis, we Buddhists have gone around helping everybody in the world without being selective or without any ulterior motive. Okay. So there’s Metta, there’s Karuna, when you are okay, your friend is not, and you feel compassion for that person. It’s easy when I’m doing well to feel compassion for the next guy. But what if that guy is doing well and you are not? How do you feel joy at your friend’s well-being when you yourself are not? When you destroy your ego, that’s possible. I have lots and lots of experiences where others have done much better than me, but I have not resented that. I’m happy for them. And you can see it’s a higher level of love, that we call Mudita. Mudita is joy at other people’s happiness.

Now all of these are worldly. Worldly forms of happiness involve “self”-ishness. It starts off with me. An “I” is involved. Then comes the higher level, which is symbolized by the lotus flower. Every Buddhist knows this. Why do we select the lotus flower? Because where does the lotus flower grow? In the mud. In the filthy, black, smelly mud, but the flower draws its sustenance from all of these. It rises above the water, pure and perfect. One of the most beautiful things on planet Earth draws from here (the mud). This is samsara. Anger, hatred, greed, jealousy, lobha, dosa, and moha. Everything we are churning in here. We are born into this. But when body is sick, don’t let mind be sick as well. Don’t let your mind get inward. Keep this above. Now that we call Upekkha (equanimity).

We have Metta, we have Karuna, we have Mudita, and then we have the highest level, which is the level of the Buddha. Okay? Where you… Radiate these kinds of well-being towards all without yourself being involved like a surgeon. A surgeon is operating on his mother. He cannot see his mother there. He must only see his function of destroying pain. And he cannot say, Oh, my poor mother. I’m sorry, ma. I’m sorry. I cannot. He has to remove himself. He has to have enormous amounts of compassion, but it cannot be personalized.

[00:21:18] Cheryl:

So equanimity or Upekka is not the same as being emotionless and detached and not feeling anything.

[00:21:23] Uncle Vijaya:

Ah, yes. Yes. You see, the Buddha was never emotionless. He had his emotions under strict control. The love that a mother has for her only son. That’s the love we have to spread. So when the surgeon is operating on his mother, he must have the same concern for her wellbeing as if a beggar is being operated on. Or if his enemy is being operated on. The Buddha was the embodiment of these four aspects, but you have to transcend all. When the Buddha experiences equanimity, he sees suffering. He cannot say, well, he’s only suffering here.

He sees the suffering, he actually physically helped a monk who was suffering from dysentery and was covered in his own filth and nobody wanted to go near him. But the Buddha personally went in there and bathed him, washed his robes and so on, preached to him until he died. So you cannot say that the Buddha was emotionless. Probably he was emotionless in the sense that an “I” is not involved. But there is suffering. I will do something to eradicate that suffering. Similarly, a surgeon is not burdened by that emotion. If you’re burdened with an emotion of love or pity or whatever, then you’re caught. But if you are only controlled by compassion, you can do a better job. And all of that here and now, not next life, not I born as an angel, I come and help you.

[00:23:33] Cheryl:

Right. And how can we apply this for Brahma Viharas to, let’s say, someone who is experiencing the grief and the pain of losing a very dear one. It could be death, but it could be heartbreak in all other forms, breakups, someone cheat on you or whatever else.

[00:23:53] Uncle Vijaya:

I would say. The first thing you should do is don’t preach to him. Don’t go and tell him, you know, as a good Buddhist, you should have Metta, Karuna, and Lotus flower. This guy is already suffering. I think any religion would teach you the word empathize. Your pain, I feel. I can only hug you. I can only hold your hand and I can only genuinely tell you that I experienced this with you, but to tell that person he’s wrong or that tell that person he cannot, he shouldn’t suffer. That’s wrong. You just lost your mother. You’re suffering. You’re crying. You’re in pain. I am as helpless as you, but I can hold you as a fellow sufferer. Now, I feel really that in the wisdom of the human race. If you really think about it, funeral rites are a waste of time. Somebody has died, and we go through this whole thing like, you know, scratching the nose like this, you know, just to keep… But I think it’s a terribly important thing.

What we are doing is the community gets together to physicalize our pain. We are so busy choosing the coffin. We are so busy getting the house ready. We are so busy talking to the undertakers. We are so busy that we have no time to have that self-pity to go inwards. And you have the seven days, you have the 49 days, you have the hundred days. All of this is the wisdom of our ancestors who gave us all these things to do and it’s all set into a community. So by the time seven days are over, you’re already coming to terms with the reality of the loss. All right. Yeah. Then three months. And then one year and each time we have got rituals to follow.

Don’t condemn the rituals and say, no, don’t burn paper, don’t do this, don’t do that. If you can cut down the cost, well and good. If you can meaningfully do these actions rather than burn a Porsche, go and give that money to an old folks home. You can transfer but the activity is the same. You don’t need to condemn others for what they do. Behind that is the physicalization of this extra energy that comes to protect you when you are suffering from this loss. That takes you on to about a year, after which more water goes under the bridge. Yeah, you’re sort of come to terms with it. This is the wisdom. But to say that, oh, he died. I’m a Buddhist, go ahead, send to the crematorium. I don’t even waste my time coming to see the dead body. It’s not the dead body that you’re seeing there.

You are giving rise to a very important word in Buddhism, Kataññutā. Kataññutā is we call one of the highest blessings. It is a state of mind of gratitude. This person has died, yes, but it is not just six feet of flesh and blood that’s lying in the coffin there. This person, when he was alive, helped me, did such and such for me, hugged me, kissed me, fed me. Now all of this at this point of time, I remember with gratitude. Knowing what good has been done to you. A lot of the time we, as children, will say, but I didn’t choose you as my parents. Why should I be grateful? No. Nine months when you were in the womb, what you were going through.

Okay. Now, of course. You are gone. How can I repay you? Kataññutā includes two things. Knowing what good has been done and what can I do to repay. It’s not just gratitude, it is reciprocating that gratitude. I think on a higher level, we can say as citizens, we need to remember that it’s very easy to complain and say that, we deserve better. But if we took the time to recognize how much good we have, is it enough just to sit down there and accept that as if it’s my right? What do I do about it? So my mother has died. I know all that she has done. What can I do about it? I can do good work, and if it is possible, to transfer it to the other side. If she’s in a position to receive (to rejoice at the good deed), well and good. If she’s not, whatever good I do in my mother’s name is not wasted because I have done good. I feel no more guilt, no more guilt. I have done something for my mother’s benefit. The more active you are, the easier it is for you to sort of sublimate your pain until a time comes when you develop what Shakespeare would call the philosophical mind, the mind that says, okay, she has gone and there’s no more pain. I’ve come to terms with it. All right. And of course, don’t forget while I’m coming to terms with it, new losses are coming. That’s kamma. So don’t tenggelam (drown), stay above, lotus flower.

[00:30:01] Cheryl:

And what about people who do not have good relationships with the dying? Let’s say the parents were abusive. Let’s say the parents were not good, distant and they hold a lot of resentment and grudges, even as their loved ones are passing on. How can one deal with this?

[00:30:24] Uncle Vijaya:

Okay. Before I throw a hot burning coal at you, hoping to burn you, who gets burned first? You. The one holding it. The one holding it. If you’re holding filth and throwing filth at others, imagine your own hand gets filthy first. Remember that. When you are going to talk about anger, you did so and so to me, even before you think of the other person, you have already polluted yourself. So your intelligent mind should say, protect yourself. And how do you protect yourself Four Brahma Vihara? It’s not easy. I’m sitting down here and saying, may you be well and happy. May you be well. How can I say when, when inside me I’m burning and I hate myself. Can you be so negative and then radiate positive? Cannot. You got to work. It’s not easy. Nobody ever said Buddhism is an easy religion to follow. Teaching it is very easy. Do good, avoid evil, purify the mind. All of Buddhism taught (that), which reminds me of a story.

Bodhidharma was a great Indian saint, Buddhist monk who went to China to teach Buddhism. On the way he met a chieftain and the chieftain asked him, tell me what does the Buddha teach? He said, very easy. Do good, avoid evil, purify the mind. And then the guy says, some more. He said, what? Some more what? You ask for three, I give you three. This is the teaching of all the Buddhas. Do good. Avoid evil. Purify the mind. Okay? Then the chief said, Oh, that means your teaching is so simple. Even a child of five can understand. And Bodhidharma replied, yes, a child of five can understand, but a man of 80 cannot practice.

Do good, avoid evil, no problem. It goes back to your question about anger, hatred and all. Nobody said it’s easy, but the higher the mountain, the greater the satisfaction when you climb to the top. So know that it’s difficult, but remember the reward is absolute. You don’t need to wait to die to benefit from the reward of that, you’re saying, if I have anger and hatred, whatever bad a person may have done, especially if it’s a parent, at least that parent gave you life. So all the bad things that came was later, nobody is 100 percent. So you need to take the effort to examine what good did this person do to me? And then dwell on that. Is it easy? Of course not. But nobody said Buddhism is easy.

[00:33:38] Cheryl:

Then on that note, how can the busy modern person, being overwhelmed by so many responsibilities, what are some small steps or practical things that they can do in their life just to get started?

[00:33:51] Uncle Vijaya:

Start now. Start now. Start with whatever can be done. Simple things like if the maid forgets to switch on the light and before you blow your top, purify the mind, keep telling yourself, look within, look within, look without. Okay. So if you keep all the time watching yourself for mistakes that you are making, don’t worry about others. The more you worry about yourself, the less time you have to worry about what others did to you. You do enough damage to yourself every day. Don’t waste your time with others. Again, not easy.

If you go to Japan, there is a doll that’s like that with a round base. What happens to that doll is called the Daruma doll. When you push the doll, what happens? It comes back. Our Buddhist life is like that. Five precepts, yes, but we break them all the time. But then we say, Kāyena vācā cittena pamādena mayā kataṃ. If by thought, word or deed I have done anything wrong, may the Buddha, forgive me. Buddha is not there to forgive you. You forgive yourself for your negative deeds. You did it. You say, okay, nevermind. Don’t do it again. So, first time I fell. I shouted at her. I know this is wrong. Either I apologize or in a kind way I make up for that. Tomorrow, when she’s going to do that, the temptation is there, but you have already practiced coming back. You come back faster and faster and faster until a time comes when you move from two words – Silava, Silamayo.

We’ll talk about Silava. A Buddha or an Arahant is purified. A Buddha and an Arahant cannot tell lies. It’s out of the system. If you give me a chicken and give me a knife and say, cut the chicken’s neck, I cannot do it, I cannot do it. You know, it’s out of my system. But I can tell a lie.

[00:36:08] Cheryl:

People love to navigate around that. Maybe a white lie is okay. A half-lie is okay.

[00:36:14] Uncle Vijaya:

We rationalize but the Buddha cannot. On the other hand, we are Silamayo. Silamayo means we are trying to be good. Do good, avoid evil, purify the mind. Fall, come up, do again, do again. It’s a process. It’s a process of purification. This is psychologically very important because otherwise the standards are too high. We cannot be Buddhas overnight. But when we know the system and we are working at it, the purification program, we know that it is taught by the Buddha.

Think of the Dhamma as an ocean. At the beach, it is very shallow. Only your toes get wet, but the deeper you go, the more wet you become. Beginning Buddhism, take it easy. Take it easy. Do what little you can, but as you get more and more purified and you understand more and more, the deeper you get, okay, the more wet you become, but it’s a slow process. Don’t expect instant enlightenment. It takes a long, long time. But it begins with wisdom, it begins with understanding. And that’s the process at which we are in the learning, the theoretical part, but the theory is important. Look within, look without.

[00:37:47] Cheryl:

Thanks so much for sharing. And I just wanted to circle back to an idea that you shared in the middle of the conversation about kamma. Can you share with us what is kamma in simple terms? And how will that help us to navigate death and life?

[00:38:03] Uncle Vijaya:

All right. Okay. One impossible task. You said simple explanation. There’s no such thing. Kamma is very, very complicated, very misunderstood, very misrepresented. Actually, kamma has gone into the English language. It’s a word in the English language. Kamma simply means action, just action. So at the moment, I’m the action of sitting down. That’s kamma. But in the English language, the nuance is, it’s something bad. It’s something negative. You see, when we talk about kamma in a Western sense, it’s something negative.

[00:38:49] Cheryl:

Like kamma will bite you.

[00:38:51] Uncle Vijaya:

Yeah, and I think you and I are both guilty of the same thing. When anything bad happens to us, we say what to do, my bad kamma. But if anything good happens, we say, thank God. You see, thank God and my kamma. That’s not all. Kamma is simply a very neutral word. No sentiment attached to it, but it can be negative or positive. Kusala (wholesome), akusala (unwholesome). And both of which is very important. You said simply, where does kamma begin? Now we are talking about purifying the mind. Kamma begins in the mind, it has to be motivated by that. That’s why I say kāyena (deeds), vācā (speech), cittena (thoughts). We have a thought, we have an intention, cetāna. That intention is translated into speech, into the body and into the mind. Body, speech, mind. All kammas originate in this way. If there is no intention, there is no kamma.

I’m walking on the road and I don’t see a cockroach and I step on the cockroach, the cockroach dies. I am not guilty because I had no intention of killing the cockroach. On the other hand, I see the same cockroach and I hate cockroaches and I (step on the cockroach) and say to hell with you, bad kamma has been made. Same action, one has intention, one has not. Very important to make that distinction. Now that intention has two streams. One stream is that intention is controlled. The intention comes from lobha (greed), dosa (hatred), moha (ignorance). Remember the ignorance, the anger, the greed. Now that is the defilement that is inside our untrained mind. Because they are all three negative, the intention is guarded by that, out comes anger, hatred, greed, jealousy, my whole body, all my actions are polluted. So bad karmic actions derive from bad sources. And what are the bad sources? Lobha (greed), dosa (hatred), moha (ignorance).

Incidentally, an Arahant (Enlightened being) has eradicated all of that. Therefore, Aloba (non-greed), Adosa (non-hatred), Amoha (wisdom). So the defilements have turned positive, these positives control the intention, the intention governs the kāyena (deeds), vācā (speech), cittena (thoughts). So basically this is kamma. So if you want to realign your Buddhist practice, look at your Lobha (greed), dosa (hatred), moha (ignorance). Your illusion gives you a sense of an “I”, “I” gives you a sense of “my”, “my” gives you a sense of “self”-ishness. When I work for my own benefit at the expense of others, that’s bad kamma. I create akusala, non-skillful.

Notice this is not a sin, a very important point. It’s not sin. God tells you don’t do something and you curi-curi (secretly) go and do that. So that is a sin. This one no. This is motivated by ignorance. Not knowing any better, you do this. This is unskillful. On the other hand, with the teaching of the Dhamma, you understand and you know this killing of a cockroach is wrong. I refrain from doing this. Also, because I have now taken the Buddhist path. And I’m now realigning my journey. I don’t want to go to heaven. I want to attain Nirvana, which is a completely different thing. So everything that I do leads me towards my goal. This we call Kusala. Kusala is skillful, nothing to do with crime and punishment, nothing to do with sin. It has to do with doing things that lead you up and things that lead you down. Kusala, skillful. Akusala, unskillful. So I don’t punish you for doing that. I don’t condemn you. If you knew better, you won’t do it.

[00:43:39] Cheryl:

And the one who doesn’t know better is suffering a lot as well.

[00:43:42] Uncle Vijaya:

Is suffering more than you think, yes. All those guys in jail, all those drug addicts, all those murderers. Do you think if they had a better life, they would do what they did? No, so what we need is our compassion and our understanding towards the wrongdoer, not to punish him, but to educate. And this again, Buddhist teaching. It is education, which is our strongest social not punishment and incarceration.

[00:44:18] Cheryl:

Wow. Thank you so much, Uncle Vijaya.

[00:44:20] Uncle Vijaya:

Was that a simple explanation of kamma? There’s a lot more to kamma.

[00:44:25] Cheryl:

I have a lot more questions, actually. For example, the intentions could be… Not crystal clear. So I can give you an example where I feel something crawling on me and then I will just, you know, just absentmindedly, try to move it away and maybe somewhere in my mind, I know, okay. It’s probably an ant. I don’t like the ant, but at the same time, I also didn’t think too much. Then I accidentally killed it. So is that good or bad kamma?

[00:44:48] Uncle Vijaya:

You are guilty of unmindfulness.

[00:44:52] Cheryl:

Oh, that’s such a thing.

[00:44:54] Uncle Vijaya:

Yes, that is a very important thing. A lot of the time we say, you are not as guilty as if this sensation comes, you know it is an ant, you hate ants, your anger arises, your hatred arises, and the amount of energy you get, like, argh! The amount of energy spent creating those negative emotions, that is what you pay for. On the other hand, a mosquito comes and you say, Okay, you’re unmindful. If you’re mindful, then you’ll say, Ah, stop. You are training yourself.

[00:45:34] Cheryl:

And when you say we pay, what does that mean? Because some people will have funny ideas of like, Oh, next time I will then become that mosquito or ant, and someone will squeeze me…

[00:45:41] Uncle Vijaya:

One to one. Absolutely no, no, no. Kamma is not just one. Kamma is one of five cosmic laws. And you said, keep it simple. We’re getting very complicated. The universe operates on five natural laws, cosmic laws. And these are called Niyamas. Utu Niyama, Bija Niyama, Citta Niyama, Kamma Niyama, Dhamma Niyama. Utu Niyama, physical laws. Physical laws of gravity and so on. (Bija Niyama) Biological laws, okay? So, organic, inorganic laws. Psychological laws, Citta Niyama. What happens in the mind? Then you have Kamma Niyama, moral laws, right and wrong, good and bad. It’s only one law, all of this. And then you have what is called Dhamma Niyama. Dhamma covers all of this. Like the Tao, the Tao is this together with everything that entails it. It’s a little bit complicated.

But the point I want to make is, you don’t get necessarily punished according to karmic laws, things can go wrong. If you are born as a human being, you cannot but die by the time you are a hundred. You can’t say it’s your bad kamma that you had to die. That is where your biological laws come into play. Now, when a tear comes out of my eyes, the obvious thing is, I’m in pain. I’m crying. Not necessarily because I’m sad. It could just mean dust has gone into my eyes. That’s another biological law. That’s the point. Not everything runs according to karmic laws.

[00:47:52] Cheryl:

So maybe just to wrap things up. Is there anything else that you would want to share about grief, loss and the topic that we discussed today?

[00:48:02] Uncle Vijaya:

Grief, loss, and so on, as we said before, the Five Niyamas (cosmic laws) again come into play. All of these are natural occurrences. When you suffer, don’t suffer with the suffering. In Malay, we would say, when you fall from the ladder, don’t let the ladder fall on you. So equanimity, patience, understanding. These are the words that we have to develop as Buddhists. You don’t have to pray to the Buddha. Praying to the Buddha is a physical thing. Very helpful, very necessary to align us spiritually. You see, understand how the universe operates according to those five laws. So don’t blame everything on kamma. Death is one such thing. You don’t necessarily die because of your kamma. You die because as a human being, you cannot live past this. So we have to accept that. Sometimes it appears as if, at 17, one walks down the road, gets knocked down by a car and we find it very hard to accept. In that case, there may be a karmic influence. Whatever it is, there’s nothing we can do about it. Yeah. There’s nothing we can do to change it. And whatever we do, we are sort of physicalizing our pain.

So Buddhism teaches us to take a rational view of death, separation, and don’t expect it to be otherwise. This is the way kamma works. This is the way samsara (cycle of birth and death) operates. If you try to change it, you’re going against the stream. On the other hand, if you understand it, you are developing peaceful states of mind within yourself. You want to help those who have gone on to the other side, there’s very little you can do because their own kamma controls them. Okay, but it does you good because you are creating positive states of mind, especially Kataññutā, gratitude. You are physicalizing this gratitude. In the meantime, you are creating the four Brahma Viharas, states of well-being around yourself. These states of well-being, which you are practicing genuinely with understanding. These, you radiate. As you radiate around you, you become a source of happiness, and that’s your purpose in life, to be a source of happiness to others, including the smallest cockroach.

[00:51:12] Cheryl:

Thank you, Uncle Vijaya. This is very inspiring. I hope to all our listeners out there, you have learned something, and if you like this episode, please like, and subscribe to our Spotify, Handful of Leaves and share with your friends. And if you want to find Uncle Vijaya, you can search Buddhist Gem Fellowship. You can see some of his wonderful, wonderful talks on YouTube as well. Thank you very much, Uncle Vijaya. Sadhu, Sadhu, Sadhu.

[00:51:38] Uncle Vijaya:

Sadhu to you. Thank you for giving me this opportunity. May you be well and happy. May all our listeners be well and happy always.

[00:51:49] Cheryl:

Sadhu.

Pāli Glossary:

  • Sukhi Hotu – A common Buddhist greeting that conveys the wish “May you be happy and well always.” When greeting more than one person, the plural, “Sukhi hontu” applies.
  • Kamma – Intentional action of moral import (producing for the agent an inevitable result or consequence in the same or another life). Can be Kusala (wholesome) or akusala (unwholesome).
  • Lōbha, Dōsa, Mōha – Greed, Hatred, Delusion. Roots of unwholesome kamma.
  • Kataññutā – Gratitude, acknowledging the good that has been done to oneself.
  • Brahmavihārā – Four states of well-being i.e. mettā (Loving-Kindness), karuṇā (Compassion), muditā (Altruistic Joy), upekkhā (Equanimity).
  • Five Niyamas – Five natural laws that affect physical and mental phenomena i.e. Utu Niyama (Inorganic Laws), Bija Niyama (Organic Laws), Citta Niyama (Law of Mental Activities), Kamma Niyama (Moral Law), Dhamma Niyama (Natural Laws of Existence).

Resources:

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Editor and transcriber of this episode: Cheryl Cheah, Susara Ng, Ke Hui Tee

5 Work-Life Wisdom Tips: A Letter to My Graduate Self

5 Work-Life Wisdom Tips: A Letter to My Graduate Self

by | Jul 21, 2023 | Purpose & Happiness, Read, Work, finance, productivity

Editor’s note: It is commencement month! For fresh graduates, you’ve crossed yet another milestone with blood, sweat, tears, and joy. Sze Yuan shares his advice.

TLDR: Entering his 5th year of work in the Public Service, Sze Yuan imagines the advice he would give to his younger self as he starts work.

Dear Sze Yuan of 2018,

Good job on completing 4 arduous years of university! As you look back, memories of the winter exchange in Norway, the fun orientation times at Sentosa, the long nights studying in the library, and the silly times spent with friends linger dearly in your heart.

There is longing in your heart for the youthful days gone by – and you are stepping ahead into adulthood with trepidation.

You have done well in your university studies, yet applying the theories in practice seems frightening. You have served actively in the Buddhist scene, but are uncertain if your spiritual ideals are compatible with the “real” adult world.

I want to reassure you that it is ok to feel what you are feeling!

There will be bumps, and periods of darkness too. When things get too unbearable, or when your light needs some refuelling, I hope that the words below offer some encouragement to you.

 A day before I start work, there is a rush to get things done to get my 7 hours of rest so that I can do my morning sit and get to work tomorrow. But I think it is worthwhile to spend some time recording my state-of-being now… There is a small part of fear and anxiety… On the other hand, also excited about a new phase of life, about doing new things. Excited to be able to contribute back to society, and through my salary, to support my loved ones. Excited to face the often-talked-about “real world”, and to see how my practice helps to handle these situations. 
01-07-2018 

1) Relationships Matter

I know that you don’t feel confident socialising, and enjoy your own company more. But I encourage you to step out and to open your heart to others. 

Cherish the friends you made through internship, university, orientation programmes. Above all, keep your spiritual friends (kalyanamittas) close.

You will soon find that it is very hard to move things purely through formal channels at work. The nicest emails and requests move along only with the lubricant of warm ties.

Likewise, be ready to lend a hand when others seek your help too. It is not just that this will encourage others to help you next time (which is of course nice)! But you will find that these small acts of giving leave the deepest impression on you. 

They will make you feel good about yourself.  

In a few years’ time, your work (and world) will drastically change. I won’t spoil it for you – but just know that you will be working from home often.

As much as you dislike small talk in pantries and discussions in big meetings, you will soon realise how important these physical interactions are for your mental well-being. It is a “love-hate” relationship with colleagues after all – inconvenient with; depressing without.

You will see that you are not an island, and still require the familiarity of human touch and care to warm your soul. 

Hence, learn to open your heart to others, and to allow the light outside to enter you too. Things are brighter this way.

 The system is imperfect. There’s more work to do than any one of us can manage. It is like fitting lego blocks in a space less than they can fit. To fit, one has to be cut and squeezed, so in this system that we work in, we will always have to work out compromises between colleagues. It is not easy and takes a lot of soft skills, and sometimes you offend people… It is an imperfect system – it is the human big-heartedness, forgiveness, and patience that lubricate things. 
30-10-2019 

2) Things Connect

Things will seem quite hopeless in your first few years at work. You will wonder why you signed up for this, strain against the bonds that the scholarship placed on you, and wonder if anyone is doing any “real” work in this system at all.

I want to reassure you that this is normal. You are right – the system is far from perfect. There are many red tapes, bosses may not be understanding, and work can be utterly boring.

However, keep faith that things (sometimes) connect upwards. Some of the seemingly insignificant tasks will turn out to be the catalyst for larger opportunities at work and for spiritual growth.

You will also realise that the many small tasks you do amalgamate into a larger theme – the details fade, but the spirit in which you carry out the work lingers. 

If you learn to do each small thing well, you will feel good about yourself when the larger project is completed.

Remind yourself that how you do things matter as much, if not more, than what you do.

Of course, there are things that just don’t make sense. Sometimes, you have to call a “spade” a “spade”. During these times, keeping a sense of humour can be immensely helpful!

3) “Work-Life Balance”

You will spend much time finding this elusive “work-life balance”. I am sorry to burst your bubble – 5 years in, I am still searching too.

But I am learning things about my(your)self through this search, which is very helpful. Here are some tips:

  • Start and end each day with meditation.
  • Focus on one task at a time as far as possible.
  • View your colleagues as buddies on a group quest – not enemies.
  • Use toilet breaks to exercise your legs and slot in some simple body stretches (pro tip: use the further toilet for more exercise!).
  • Have a system to keep track of your work tasks. Gamify your work, and take pride and find joy in tackling each task.
  • You will end many days feeling unproductive and lousy about yourself. Learn to be kind to yourself (note: 5 years in, I am still working on this too).
  • A period of exercise after work (even a short 10-minute run) can help calm the restless mind.
  • End the day by recollecting your wholesome deeds and things to be grateful for. Don’t assume you will wake up the next day.
  • There will be unavoidable times when you work till late at night or over weekends. Develop a bigger heart and view them as par for the course.
  • Devote yourself to causes outside of your work – continue serving and developing affinities within the Buddhist community.

To be honest, I’m starting to think that a balance may never be found. Perhaps it is a moving balance? Or should it be work-life “harmony”? 

Perhaps work and life should not be distinct entities, and should merge into the present moment? Or maybe we won’t be balanced until Enlightenment?

I will let you know when I find out.

 With work, it hasn’t been easy to find motivation, so during these times when I can pop my head out from this whole dreariness, I just thought of recording it down so that this reinforces the wholesome perspective. With time, in years, maybe decades, hopefully I can gain sufficient wisdom to handle my work and mundane responsibilities in the world with grace and elegance. Far from it now, but I am making the effort. 
10-10-2020 

4) Cultivate Skillful Perspectives

Being in public service, you are cruising along in a large ship. Things are stable, and you can be quite assured that we are heading towards a decent destination.

However, you will soon realise that on this ship, not everyone gets fancy uniforms and jobs. You will get your chance – but most times, you are doing the ignoble tasks like scrubbing the deck floor, rowing the giant paddle, cleaning out the toilet, or singing/dancing for the entertainment of others (this last part, I don’t even mean it metaphorically. You will do it).

You will witness many colleagues jumping ship (pun intended), and you may even feel a tinge of envy towards them for doing what you can’t.

In these times, I want to encourage you to maintain perspective and remind yourself that the summation of these “ignoble” tasks leads to the ship’s overall success. 

You may think that this is deceiving yourself. But, remember that of all the stories you narrate at work, the most important story is the one you tell yourself.

To share a story that inspired me (you):

 A gentleman walked past a building site to see three men laying bricks. He approached the first and asked, ‘What are you doing?’ Annoyed, the first man answered, ‘What does it look like I’m doing? I’m laying bricks!’ He walked over to the second bricklayer and asked the same question. The second man responded, ‘Oh, I’m making a living.’ He asked the third bricklayer the same question, ‘What are you doing?’ The third man looked up, smiled, and said, ‘I’m building a cathedral.’
 
Source here

So Sze Yuan – choose to build a cathedral.

5) The Spiritual Path

Finally, the fortunate, and sometimes painful thing, is that you will remain deeply devoted to your spiritual path.

Fortunate – because even in the toughest times, your spiritual compass will give you a reason to keep faith and carry on. It will strengthen you to be kind when provoked, patient when frustrated, compassionate in the face of suffering, and joyful in the midst of others’ success. 

It will give you meaning, even when the conventional world/circumstances tempt you into thinking otherwise.

But the path is also painful. There will be times when you are confused by the strivings of this world, and be averse to the consumption habits that society normalises. You will think that many endeavours at work contradict your deepest values, and feel confused about the way forward. 

During your lowest, you will feel utter meaninglessness in life, and things will get really dark.

These times, keep the faith and continue walking towards the light. Learn to see the wholesomeness in things, instead of picking on the faults. 

Cultivate the habit to see the “half-full” instead of the “half-empty”. Above all, learn to embrace all things as part of your path in life, and to open the doors of your heart to all teachings at work (and in life). 

Source:https://www.azquotes.com/author/32444-Dipa_Ma

After all that has been said, you still will not be prepared for what is to come. And this is alright as well, Sze Yuan. Some things we learn through peace; others through storm.

As the saying goes – 世上无难事，只怕有心人 (There are no difficulties in life that are insurmountable to the sincere and committed).

So buckle up, and enjoy the ride!


Best wishes,

Sze Yuan from 2023

Wise Steps:

  • When in doubt, be kind
  • Do your best in everything
  • Seek balance – but do not get attached to it
  • Cultivate perspectives that feed your joy
  • Make everything your path, and follow your path with heart
WW: 🤚”Stop prioritising happiness in life. Scientists say it hurts. ” 

WW: 🤚”Stop prioritising happiness in life. Scientists say it hurts. ” 

by | Nov 30, 2022 | Purpose & Happiness, Read, Wholesome Wednesdays

Wholesome Wednesdays (WW): Bringing you curated positive content on Wednesdays to uplift your hump day.

In life, we often choose what makes us feel good first and avoid the unpleasant. But scientists discovered that prioritising happiness can backfire and move us further away from being truly happy. But what exactly is happiness and how can we pursue it successfully? Here are two sharings that offer some answers: 

1. Don’t chase happiness. Become antifragile.
2. Choose pain first

Don’t chase happiness. Become antifragile.

Cr: Unsplash

What’s going on here & Why we like it

Tal Ben-Shahar, a positive psychologist, used the analogy of the sun to describe the happiness paradox. If we look at the sun directly, we’ll hurt our eyes. Similarly, if we pursue happiness directly, we’ll end up depressed. To resolve this paradox is to understand that 

“a happy life doesn’t mean being happy all the time.  Learning to accept, and even embrace painful emotions is an important part of a happy life.“

This is parallel to the First and Second Noble Truths that the Buddha taught. 

The first noble truth is all about recognising the presence of suffering and understanding it. The second noble truth states that the reason for suffering is the craving for sensuality, the craving for becoming, and the craving for non-becoming. This means that the more we want to become happier, the more we might suffer. 

The more we don’t want to be unhappy, the more we also suffer. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t pursue happiness at all, we just do it indirectly, as Tal Ben-Shahar shares. How? Using the practical framework called S.P.I.R.E to attain that whole being. Because happiness is much more than pleasure, happiness is a whole being. Similarly, the Buddha also prescribed a framework for happiness – the Noble 8-fold path.

Wise Steps

  1. The next time you experience pain, investigate and explore how you can use it to grow your resilience. 
  2. Reevaluate how you pursue happiness in life and aim to adopt a holistic approach.

Check out the video here or below!

Choose pain first. 

Cr: Unsplash

What’s going on here & why we like it

James Clear, author of Atomic habits, who is known for his wisdom in productivity shares the benefits of doing the painful things first. 

We are more likely to remember our lives as happy if they improve over time. 

This is pretty much like the Chinese saying 先苦后甜 , directly translated as bitter first, sweet after, which is usually used to describe how one will reap the rewards after the pain and hard work. 

Reflecting on this principle in our practice, how often do we expect to experience peace right away in our meditation? Perhaps we give up on meditation because sitting with restlessness or boredom or physical discomfort is tough. But what if we recognise that noticing discomfort is step 1 of the process? If we can be a little more patient with the pain, and see it as a part of progress, we will experience bliss right after. We’re sure that seasoned meditators would agree.  

No pain no gain, some would say. Of course, we’re not suggesting that you deliberately make your life difficult. Rather, we’re suggesting that you embrace the inevitable difficult parts of life and use them skilfully for growth. 

In this article by James Clear,  you can find many examples of how choosing to do the painful thing first is beneficial. James also suggests multiple ways we can use this approach in life for us to see our life as a happier one. 

Wise Steps

Choose to do the ‘painful’ thing first and end your day with the delightful. 

Read it here