TLDR: As children, we want the best for our parents. To see them live actively, confidently, and independently. But the best isn’t about forcing change; it’s about inspiring, supporting, and guiding them so they choose it themselves.
Helping Them Live Their Best Lives
As children, we always want the best for our parents. But what does ‘the best’ truly mean? We want our parents to keep moving well and living boldly as they grow older, not worrying about who will take care of them, but trusting in their own strength.
Today, my mum trains with me two to three times a week without me even asking, and she now takes the initiative to plan her workouts with me for the weeks ahead.
The journey to get to where we are today wasn’t easy, but let me share what helped me and I hope it guides you in having this conversation with them.
Firstly: Inspire
Transformation never sticks when it’s pushed. It lasts when it’s chosen.
For years, I pushed my mum to go on early morning walks with me, but we ended up doing it only once that whole year. It made me realise that if the desire isn’t coming from her, my efforts alone won’t keep her going when I’m not around. That’s when I decided to become the example, to show her what’s possible and to inspire the spark for her own growth.
Become the version of yourself that inspires others to become their best.
I committed to a five-month cut and stayed disciplined, losing 10kg in that time. Throughout those five months, she watched me give my all: Turning down social dinners, skipping home-cooked meals, and sticking to my meal preps. She even helped me prepare my meals. She became part of my journey, experiencing what it truly means to commit to a goal and become a better version of yourself.
Secondly: Community
Your workout partners can be the difference between showing up and giving up.
I invited my mum to bring her friends along to the gym with me, adding a little extra motivation and that we could all enjoy lunch together afterwards. The gym soon became a place for her to catch up with friends, chatting and laughing in between sets.
My role became making sure she had fun, taking photos, and capturing those moments so she could relive them later. Having good friends truly makes a difference. Friends who genuinely want the best for her, who are also committed to their own health. When these positive energies come together, they become unstoppable.
Thirdly: Advice from Subject Matter Expert
I’d been asking my mum to cut down on snacking for ages, but it never worked. Yet the moment her TCM advised her to fast, she listened.
It helps to get feedback from an authority figure, like a doctor, because parents are more likely to listen when it comes from a subject-matter expert.
Funny enough, the Buddha’s most wise disciple, Sariputta, could not teach his mom the Dhamma. Only when he was dying, and she saw that the devas she prayed to, came to pay respect to him, she converted to the Dhamma. So whenever you feel exasperated trying to ‘teach’ your parents, recollect that Sariputta’s struggle.
The doctor also advised her to exercise more and set a plan: fast and work out for a period, then return for a review to check her health markers. And guess what, her health markers improved! The doctor even asked her to extend the trial period, reinforcing that her fasting and exercise were directly benefiting her health.
Ask them to experiment, not to comply.
My mom & I
Lastly: Support System and Feedback
It’s important to understand your parents’ ‘why’. The reason behind their desire to change. For my mum, it was about improving her health and building strength so she could move freely as she ages.
Having these conversations over the years hasn’t been easy, but remembering the Buddha’s teaching — to see things as they are, not as we wish them to be — has helped.
One often sees “see things as they are” rendered from the Pāli concept yathā‑bhūta‑ñāṇa‑dassana, “knowledge and vision of things as they really are.”
Accepting my parents as they are allows me to meet them where they truly are. I’ve shared about this in my previous podcast episode with Cheryl on Handful of Leaves’ Spotify.
This journey has taught me a lot about patience (khanti). I used to want change to happen immediately, wanting my mum to build lifelong healthy habits overnight, and this cause me a lot of suffering. I had to manage my expectations for the speed of change and be ok even if things remain status quo, as this journey is a long one, as I would never have expected that a small breakthrough was just around the corner.
The second I change how I show up in the relationship, the relationship changes for the better – Mel Robbins
By tracking her milestones in our training sessions, my mum could see her growing strength. Especially in her legs, making everyday movements like standing from a chair easier. As the weights increased over time, she discovered her legs could handle far more than she ever believed at the start.
When you notice your own growth, motivation grows with it.
As we care for our parents, let’s remember the journey they took raising us wasn’t easy, and every act of love we give them is a privilege.
Us with senior and younger peers
Conclusion
In the end, helping our parents live well is not about control or perfect plans. It is about patience, trust, and learning when to step forward and when to step back.
What I learnt most deeply is this. When we stop trying to fix our parents and instead walk alongside them, their hearts soften. They feel respected. They feel seen. Change then has space to arise on its own.
The Buddha often pointed out that growth cannot be forced. It unfolds when conditions are right. Our role is simply to help create those conditions with care, steadiness, and goodwill. Sometimes that looks like inspiring quietly. Sometimes it looks like finding the right support. Sometimes it looks like practising patience again and again.
As our parents age, we are gently reminded that time moves in one direction only. The chance to support them, train with them, laugh with them, and watch them grow stronger is not guaranteed. It is something we are given for a while.
If there is one thing worth carrying forward, it is this. Love expressed through patience and understanding is already a form of practice. And caring for our parents, imperfectly but sincerely, can be one of the most meaningful trainings we will ever undertake. P.S. If you need help getting your parents to the gym, you can find me at my socials where I have helped clients over 60 years old attain their health goals. Lose fat happily with me and get into your strongest and healthiest body for mobility, wellness and longevity.
Wise Steps:
Inspire Through Example: Transformation sticks when it’s chosen. By showing commitment to my own fitness — meal prepping, training consistently, tracking progress — my mum saw what dedication looked like and started sparking her own motivation.
Build a Supportive Community: Workouts are more fun with friends. Inviting her peers, sharing laughs, and celebrating milestones made the gym enjoyable. Positive energy from a supportive group makes habits stick.
Learn from Experts: Parents often listen to professionals. When my mum’s TCM advised fasting and exercise, she followed through and saw measurable health improvements. Encourage experimentation, not compliance.
Buddhist Film Reviews is a partnership series between HOL & THIS Buddhist Film Festival 2021 (25 Sept – 8 Oct’21). Themed “Open your mind”, THISBFF 2021 features 15 thought-provoking documentaries and feature films from 12 countries.
TLDR: Paying homage to Master Sheng Yen and his movement to revive Ch’an (禅) Buddhist practice in Taiwan, the United States and around the world, the documentary paints a beautiful portrait of Master’s selfless life a decade after his passing in 2009.
If you had heard of Master Sheng Yen and his teachings, do you know how he came to be?
A saying goes, ‘still water runs deep’. Master Sheng Yen’s life story unfolds into many onerous chapters unknown to most.
A posthumous biographic documentary, Master Sheng Yen (Chinese title: 本来面目) details his early years of ordination, the peak of his monastic life, its challenges, and his final efforts of serving Buddha’s dispensation.
The title of the documentary alludes to the quote from The Sixth Patriarch Venerable Hui Neng in The Sixth Patriarch Sutra, 「不思善不思恶，正与么时，那个是明上座本来面目？」 This question was posed to Venerable Hui Ming, who realised enlightenment thereafter. It roughly translates to “without considering the good nor the bad, what is your original face?” Master Sheng Yen has used this ko-an to discuss the true nature of one’s heart in his teaching.
To make up for the lack of intimate interviews with Master, the producer reconstructs Master’s personality and demeanour through animation, archival photographs, audio and video recordings, as well as extracts from letters and publications. Interviews of Master Sheng Yen’s disciples and acquaintances help us see Master as a humble teacher and striving monastic from their eyes.
Against the backdrop of socio-political turmoil and modernisation, the documentary tells an impeccable narrative of Master Sheng Yen’s life through the suitable use of black-white historical archives and re-enactments.
Through the documentary, the audience traces the historical forces that shaped Master’s compassionate outlook and disenchantment towards the world. Notwithstanding the school of life, Master Sheng Yen was apprenticed under a lineage of Ch’an and Zen teachers, who were formidable in their practice.
The nuggets of wisdom crystallised from Master Sheng Yen’s life experiences were offered together with pastel motifs of impermanence – albeit their screen times as fleeting as snowflakes. The scenes and delivery of content are ever-changing as with life – no one moment can be repeated like a running stream. Aptly, the cinematography takes on a sense of detachment – observing, looking on to the emptiness beneath.
How did the documentary make me feel?
I felt encouraged about Master Sheng Yen’s tireless efforts to revive Ch’an Buddhism after the purging of religion from the Cultural Revolution.Watching the documentary helped me reflect that I have taken his compassionate teachings for granted.
I was never once bored because of the different types of sources and media used in delivering Master Sheng Yen’s story. At any point in time, I feel immersed in that particular decade with Master Sheng Yen when he was making difficult choices to practice in line with the Dhamma and to benefit sentient beings.
What was the most memorable scene?
It was an interview snippet when Master Sheng Yen reminisced with the founding president of the Buddhist Society of the United States, Mr Shen. The latter drew an analogy where the Master was a field of merits and Mr Shen merely sowed in that field.
Hearing this, Master Sheng Yen broke down into sobs.
It was then that I realised the extent to which Master Sheng Yen had experienced life’s bitterness was one which no one could fathom, yet he remained such a hopeful pillar of support to his disciples.
What did I like about the documentary?
It pieces together a Master Sheng Yen I did not know and it helps me to appreciate what he stood for and the contribution he has made for Ch’an Buddhism.
I grew up learning about Master Sheng Yen’s teachings but I never understood who exactly was the monk who taught them — he was a man of calibre and honourable virtues; and definitely, a man of perseverance.
He was there in front of me throughout the documentary – his presence alive and piercing into my consciousness with light and wisdom.
What did I not like so much about the movie?
There were a few quotes that flew by quite quickly. At the end, there were some text describing the development of Dharma Drum Mountain but the words may have been small and quick to pass over. Perhaps, I am a slow myopic reader and it is time for me to change my spectacles.
Who would I recommend this for?
Anyone who knows Master Sheng Yen and who wants to learn from his life and his life’s works. This is a well-researched documentary – both educating and contemplative.
Liked what our author experienced? Book your tickets right now!
Content warning: This piece describes acts of homophobia and bullying that might be disturbing to some readers.
Since young, Kyle is always confused with how people look at him and why people like to call him names that are demeaning and hurtful. The term “gay” was not common during the ‘80s in Singapore.
A boy behaving femininely did not fit into how society thought a boy should behave Boys in this group are labelled “Ah Kua”. Ah Kua is a derogatory Hokkien term for a transsexual or transvestite.“Maybe something is not right, I have to be more like a boy,” Kyle recollected on his thoughts as a child.
Today, Kyle is a jovial, energetic, creative designer and Buddhist guide who volunteers at a soup kitchen and Buddhist organisations. Though he has gone through a hurtful past, he now recollects his experience with zen and ease.
He hopes that his sharing will spark a conversation about how it is okay to be different and how we can support our LGBTQIA+ friends within the Buddhist communities.
The Challenges of Being Different
Kyle was easily a bully’s target in school as the only boy in the choir. He joined the choir because he loved to sing but yet he was often called a “Sissy” for choosing to do what he loves.
“Every day I am thinking…am I going to be called something else?” Kyle shared. He would find longer routes to his destination to avoid a group of boys who would bully him.
Secondary school was where things escalated.
“If you like boys, then there is something wrong with you,” Kyle recalled. Boys would shame him in public by shouting derogatory names at him or throwing garbage into his bag.
Thankfully, he had four female friends who always defended him from the bullies. They made the pain of insults easier to bear. He recalled taking part in the school’s talentime competition, with the song ‘Hero’ by Mariah Carey. The lyrics inspired him to go up on the stage to express himself and the audience was stunned at his performance. Kyle could reach all the high notes in the song. His performance led to less bullying as people saw his talent in singing.
Kyle felt lucky as the derogatory remarks were instead replaced with the nickname “Mariah”.
Mariah Carey’s “Hero” gave him the courage to be stronger during those tough times. The lyrics and tune provided a space of calm and refuge. “Mariah Carey and Whitney Huston are where my pillars of strength and inspiration came from. “That’s before I came into contact with the Buddha of course!” Kyle chuckled.
The Buddha as his inspiration
“I am not special, if I suffer I am not the only one,” Kyle realised as he found out about the four noble truths.
Learning the noble truths that life is subjected to unsatisfactoriness and there is a way out of it resonated deeply with Kyle. It gave him the empathy that he was not alone.
Bullying followed Kyle even when he was pursuing a diploma at NAFA. He really wanted the bullies to suffer badly. He was thinking about how to seek revenge all the time. However, he realised all the unhappiness and burdens within caused by hatred arose from being attached to his ego.
“At a later stage, I learnt more compassion.” Kyle shared. He drew his source of compassion from a Dhammapada verse on hatred.
“Hatred never ceases through hatred in this world; through love alone they cease. This is an eternal law.”
Responding to hate with hate only tortures oneself with anger, Kyle reasoned.
“Being kind to oneself is not just shopping or buying things for yourself. We always say be kind to yourself. When you are not angry towards others, that is when you are really being kind to yourself”
Kyle’s sharing struck a deep chord within me. In a society that starts talking about self-care, we often talk about the material. Kyle’s sharing nailed it that the emotional aspect is hardly looked at.
“Life without Dharma will be tougher to live on. The loss of my loved ones, the physical suffering from illness, the mental tortures of guilt and hatred. My suffering only I can relate to. No matter how happy one can be, the drum always sounds better when it’s far away.”
Kyle is thankful to be alive in this time where the Dharma still exists. He is constantly inspired by the teachings of Ajahn Buddhadasa, Ajahn Chan, Venerable Hsing Yun, and Thich Nhat Hanh, Without the Buddha’s Dharma, these masters wouldn’t exist.
Kyle has enormous gratitude for how the Dharma has transformed him.
I wondered to myself, “With so many challenges at school, was his experience in the Buddhist community any different?”
Gay + Buddhist?
Although Kyle never had negative experiences from the Buddhist community regarding his sexual orientation, challenges remain. Occasionally, when doing Dhamma volunteer work, he was apprehensive about sharing his sexuality as he was unsure how people would react.
He felt compelled to ‘tone down’ his behaviour when he entered the Buddhist setting.
“Why?”, I wondered.
Kyle shared that it remains a cultural taboo to say, “It is okay to be Buddhist and to be gay”. Something that is not discussed, creates uncertainty. There is a dearth of centres that have Dhamma talks and resources tailored to LGBTQIA+. Hence, there is uncertainty whether LGBTQIA+ members are welcomed.
The compulsion to tone down on his femininity eventually faded as Kyle developed his Dhamma knowledge.
He concluded that being LGBTQIA+ is not a sin. Rather, it is the way that we treat others and ourselves that matters more than our sexuality. Our thoughts, speech, and actions of kindness and wisdom are of utmost importance.
That made me wonder how we can better support our LGBTQIA+ friends.
Community Support
“Be sensitive to what you say as it may make them feel uncomfortable. You may be close but do not take liberty in sharing with others about the person’s sexual orientation.” Kyle advised.
He recalled that some straight friends might accidentally ‘out’ their LGBTQIA+ friends, leaving them in an awkward situation.
“If we are standing up for them, just defend them because everyone deserves kindness and no one wants to be treated harshly,” Kyle advised. He mentioned that is better to avoid ‘out-ing’ LGBTQIA+ friends if they aren’t prepared to share their sexual orientation.
As friends, we also can express skilful speech by not stereotyping a person immediately. Don’t call out someone for ‘straight acting’ if they are gay and expect gay people to have to act a certain way.
In addition, if you suspect that a friend is part of the LGBTQIA+ community, don’t ask them. They might not be ready to share and feel even more stressed.
One Buddhist community that helped Kyle was “RainBodhi” (HYPERLINK), which combined two words “rainbow” and “Bodhi”. It is a LGBTQIA+ friendly community that conducts talks and provides resources to help one another.
How can members of the LGBTQIA+ community develop more compassion towards themselves against a conservative society which may not always be understanding?
“Take your time and explore what is happening. It is always through initial confusion that we gain clarity and wisdom eventually. Once you understand your emotions, you know better about this “Me” and “I”. Pick up a Dhamma book to ground yourself.” Kyle shared.
Kyle added, “If you aren’t religious, then pick up philosophy or inspirational books.”
Remind yourself “There is nothing wrong with you”.
Looking Back
With Kyle developing so much wisdom over time, I wondered what Kyle would tell his younger self.
“Trust your instinct. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you are. One day you will know a group of people who truly love who you are. You will meet an amazing teacher, the Buddha. You will come across the Buddha’s teaching and it will transform you. Be kind to people as much as possible. I promise you, that’s the only way that will help you through all the struggles. ” Kyle encouraged.
“Stop obsessing with losing weight and lose the ego instead!” Kyle added in jest.
In the spirit of pride – acceptance and care- Kyle summarised his thoughts by sharing, “Keep giving joy and love to people around you, even when you can’t find it yourself. Because whatever hardship you are going through, all the joy and love you have given would come back to you eventually”
