Grief and Gratitude: Reflections on my best friend’s death at Age 37

Grief and Gratitude: Reflections on my best friend’s death at Age 37

In Loving Memory of: Sarah Chua

May you rejoice in the merits of this Dhamma contribution and be well and happy wherever you go.

TLDR: Joey shares her emotional journey following the sudden loss of a lifelong friend to cancer, leading her to embrace the power of gratitude and find deeper meaning in life.

The Shocking Diagnosis

“Bad news, it’s a mass. Need to do biopsy now to check.”

It was a Whatsapp message from you. My mind went blank. I resisted the urge to Google “mass in lungs diagnosis.” I did not want my imagination to run wild.

After enduring a prolonged cough and episodes of breathlessness that persisted despite visits to several GPs, you went for a specialist check-up at a hospital and were admitted immediately.

A friendship that withstood time

I have known you since Secondary 1. Although we were not in the same class, we were batchmates in Girl Guides and our friendship blossomed. Over the next 25 years, we journeyed together through important milestones of our teenage years. Coming from dysfunctional families, we became each other’s confidantes and support when stressful incidents at home were too overwhelming.

I could not recall the exact number of through-the-night phone calls, late-night hangouts, or sleepovers we had. We sang, chatted, and watched TV, and only went home when the storms had fully subsided.

“I’m really very scared. My girl is still so young.”

This was your subsequent message before I could draft a comforting reply to your previous one.

Journeying through life’s milestones together

As we stepped into adulthood and got swept up in our careers, we did not meet as often. But we witnessed each other through major life events, celebrating our joyful moments and exchanging encouragements during challenging times — landing dream jobs, bad bosses, heartbreaks, death in the family, getting married, securing our BTO, and becoming mothers.

Our friendship had only strengthened with time, expanding to include our families. There is something magical about watching our kids play together. I fondly reminisced about the fun times we had during our youthful days.  

I once told you that I hoped we would still meet up regularly for tea in our golden years to complain about our husbands, children, and perhaps grandchildren.

You said you imagined it would be hard to hold your tears in on your daughter’s wedding day.

Confronting the Unthinkable

“Likely is stage 4. I need to do chemo”

My heart sank. Thousands of thoughts ran through my mind. But we are only 37. What about her girl? She is only 6. What is the prognosis? This is too sudden. This can’t be happening. Am I dreaming?”

“Thanks for watching over my child and family. Love you girls,” was your last message to me.

Over the next week, I watched you deteriorate rapidly, confined to the ICU, unable to talk or eat, and remaining sedated as cancer ravaged your lungs, stomach, and brain.

I always believed that you would overcome this, that you could return home and recover. I knew that you were strong-willed and you did your best. But health is beyond our control.

You left us one month after your stage-4 lung cancer diagnosis. It was too sudden, too unexpected, and too tough for me to accept.

Everything feels surreal. Seeing you lifeless on a hospital bed, surrounded by those closest to you. Your funeral. Your cremation. It’s like a bad dream unfolding, and I’m powerless to stop, wake up, and find relief in the realisation that it was only a dream.

Life, Death, and Illusions

Death is the one life event that will happen to us with 100% certainty. However, it remains an abstract concept for many. Why is that so?

Our brains are great illusionists, often failing to let us perceive the true nature of reality.

The human brain is programmed to draw from our lived experiences to create a neural map of our lives, incorporating relationships with people, places, things, routines, habits, and expectations.

It is a mechanism to help the brain “save computing power”, enabling us to make sense of and predict what is happening moment by moment. The possibility of your death was nowhere in my neural map; my brain needed time to assimilate this fact and rewrite its algorithm to navigate this world without your presence.

I hope that after my brain has integrated the code “death of a loved one”, I will gain a little more wisdom to be closer to ultimate reality.

Rewriting the Neural Map of Grief

The Buddha has taught us that life and all its elements are impermanent — fleeting, everchanging, illusory, and empty of inherent existence. This does not mean our experiences are unreal, nonexistent, or mere fragments of our imagination.

However, the way our brain is wired prevents us from seeing things as they truly are.

It tends to gather information through our five senses, making false assumptions and setting unreal expectations about how events should unfold or how our relationships with others should be. It likes to take shortcuts to conserve energy, clinging to an old mindset or defaulting to comfortable habits and routines.

Our brains want to exist in a predictable, permanent, and lasting world.

And so, we grasp, we chase, and we shun.

Seeking Meaning in the Midst of Loss

We pursue the next high-paying job, promotion, or the latest flashy phone, car, or house. We take for granted that our family and friends will always be there. We avoid discussing illness and death because we cannot imagine a future where either we or our loved ones will be gone.  

Your death has prompted me to reflect on what makes life meaningful and where my priorities should lie.

If we want to have a better life with fewer regrets and more joy, we need to rely on the Dharma to overwrite the faulty algorithms in our brains.

“All with marks is false and empty.

If you see all marks

As no marks

Then you see the Tathagata.”

“There is no mark of self,

And no mark of others,

No mark of living beings

And no mark of a life.”

“All conditioned dharmas

Are like dreams, illusions, bubbles, shadows,

Like dew drops and a lightning flash

Contemplate them thus.”

Diamond Sutra

Love Lives On

The first week after I lost you was excruciatingly painful.

My mind struggled to accept that you would be forever absent from my future. I believed we would have many more chances to continue our yearly tradition of surprising each other with birthday gifts and treats.

Now that you are gone, I wonder: do you know how much I love and cherish our friendship? I was engulfed by overwhelming loss and sorrow. Soon, this morphed into a feeling of unfairness. The cancer had stolen my best friend, robbing all hopes, possibilities, and dreams of watching the kids grow up as we grow old together. 

“Grief is love with no place to go” – is a popular quote to describe grief.

As time passed, grief silently reshaped itself within the contours of my daily life. I found this quote untrue. While life comes to an end, love lives on. The love and connection we share live on within us. It endures even after death.

With your passing, our friendship has transcended beyond the physical dimension of space and time, transforming into a spiritual relationship. You remain my best friend in this lifetime. I express my love through internal dialogues with you, often wondering about your journey in the next life and dedicating prayers, well-wishes, and merits to you.

In our physical world, where most relationships are transactional, our understanding of love can be restricted. Our expressions of love are sometimes limited to tangibles such as gifts, time, and physical touch.

The Buddha taught us about love and compassion, which is the wish for sentient beings to be free from suffering and attain happiness. A concept that is easy to grasp but difficult to embrace. If we ponder closely, love and compassion are a spiritual state of mind more than they are physical actions.

“The space is boundless,

So does your compassion.

You wish to be all living beings’ bridge [to the other shore],

so that you manifest your Bodhi-Practices.”

Compassionate Lotus Sutra

Gratitude Creates Meaning

It was 4 am and I lost sleep. It was the first night after your passing. You were such a devoted mother, dutiful wife, responsible worker, and one of the kindest friends I ever had.

Why did this have to happen? I have always believed that every significant person and event in our lives is there to teach us important lessons.

Yet losing you so suddenly to cancer seems senseless. We did not even get to say a proper goodbye. I kept questioning myself repeatedly: what was the lesson I needed to learn? I just could not fathom it.

We had been a part of each other’s life for 25 years and remained so close. It felt like a beautiful story which needed to end abruptly and the author struggled to write a conclusion to make it a meaningful read.

As I lay in bed, a deep sorrow gripped my heart tightly. The intense pain in my chest grew every minute, making it hard to breathe. It was too unbearable.

At the next moment, I felt love surrounding me and then enveloping me. It was a peaceful and kind energy that wrapped around me, consoling me with its warm presence, telling me that it knows my pain and suffering. That this too shall pass.

Gradually, the tightness in my chest subsided. I felt lighter. Tears flowed freely, and gratitude surged through every cell in my body. I was certain it was you. I finally knew what the lesson was.

It was friendship.

Appreciating Life’s Beauty & Moments

Through you, I learned what makes a good friend and how to be one. Our precious and beautiful friendship had enriched my life and for that, I am immensely grateful to you.

Over the next few weeks, this gratitude took root and grew. Alongside grief, I experienced a renewed sense of appreciation for events, objects, and people in life.

Saudade is a Portuguese word that describes a longing for something that has been loved and lost, yet it also captures a sense of joy for having been loved and lost. This “joyful sadness” described my feelings perfectly.

Allow saudade to sit and experiencing it fully within me has given me insights into life.

Life’s meaning is not something to be found; it is created moment by moment in our everyday lives, and gratitude fuels it best.

Gratitude as a Way of Life

Gratitude gifted me with fresh eyes to perceive the beauty and qualities in objects, people, or moments. It helps me to slow down, be present, and be thankful for the good and bad that enter my life.

Gratitude makes the most routine, mundane, or dreadful tasks meaningful. While waiting patiently for my morning coffee, I silently expressed thanks for all the elements that made it possible for me to enjoy my drink. Not taking things for granted makes my life more vivid, rich, and meaningful. My coffee tastes much better now. 

Perhaps if we consider gratitude as a way of life more than just a feeling or mental state, our lives will have more bliss, peace, and meaning.

In gratitude, I see you. In gratitude, I see our interconnectedness. In gratitude, I see the Dharma.


Wise Steps:

  • The love and connection with our departed loved ones transcend physical existence and transform into a spiritual relationship. We can dedicate merits and well-wishes to benefit them in their next life which helps us find solace in grief.
  • Our brains are masters in creating illusions which obstruct our perception of reality’s transient and ever-evolving nature. By embracing self-awareness and applying the teachings of the Dharma, we can reduce regret and cultivate greater happiness.
  • Gratitude is a powerful tool for healing. It can help us find a renewed sense of purpose and appreciation for life even during the toughest times.
Celebrating departures: How to say goodbye

Celebrating departures: How to say goodbye

TLDR: We have all said goodbyes at some point in our lives. Does it always have to be a sad occasion? How can we better deal with goodbyes? Wilson reflects on his departure from loved ones and friends.

Departure (4 Oct, 08:00am)

Knowing that I only had one month left, it felt like there were so many people to meet and so many things to do. The outpouring of love and kindness from the people in my life gave me an indication of the quality of relationships that I have forged in my time here.

However, I could not help but wonder about the intentions behind these gestures. 

I felt a tinge of guilt for thinking that all these were more for them than for me, that these helped them to make peace with my eventual departure.

I struggled with myself, “My friends and family seemed to assume that they have a right to ask for whatever time I have remaining. Yet, it also feels wrong to tell people that I want more time for myself and to reject their kindness. Also, how can I make assumptions about their intentions? That reflects more about how I view the loved ones in my life.”

As the end drew near, I thought I would feel sad, nervous or even excited. Interestingly, it just felt like the end of every other day that I have lived so far. I guess maybe I have prepared enough and that the end just feels like it would come sooner or later anyway.

Or maybe it is because I’m still on the way to the other side and that it will all start to sink in once I arrive.

At this point, I want to take the chance to thank the people in my life for loving me, helping me to learn and grow and eventually, letting me go with your heartfelt well-wishes. I think that is one of the greatest gifts I have received. Thank you all.

~The End~

Oh, you are still here? After reading the previous few paragraphs, you may be thinking, “This Wilson has gone crazy already. Say until like he’s dying like that.” 

Or maybe you are texting me now to scold me for scaring you. Hehe, please forgive me for deciding on such a dramatic and possibly triggering way to start the article. 😅

To set the record straight, I left Singapore for Japan to study and do research for the next 1.5 years. I do hope that the opening captured how I felt about the similarities between going overseas for a long period and dying.

However, if you are still cross with me (and understandably so 😛), I hope the rest of the article explains well the thought process of this weirdo here.

There are many ways in which we may leave this world. It could be sudden, leaving you shocked like a deer in headlights. Or you would have an idea of the end drawing near, giving you some time to make preparations. 

I was reminded of a quote by Paul Kalanithi in his book, “When Breath Becomes Air”, which described his journey of facing his mortality as a surgeon himself: “I began to realise that coming in such close contact with my own mortality had changed both nothing and everything. Before my cancer was diagnosed, I knew that someday I would die, but I didn’t know when. After the diagnosis, I knew that someday I would die, but I didn’t know when. But now I know knew it acutely.”

I feel blessed to be given the chance to say my goodbyes and to feel the love and care of my loved ones. It made me think about how I would ideally like to leave this world and how I could live my life so that when my time is up, it would reduce the suffering for myself and the people around me.

Celebrating Departures

While I mentioned the similarities between going overseas and dying, I noticed a major difference. 

When it comes to going overseas, it is usually celebrated. However, when it comes to dying, it is mostly grieved. You may retort, “Of course lah! Dying is a permanent goodbye leh. You go overseas we can still visit each other what.”

Also, people also tend to celebrate deaths if the deceased had lived till a “ripe” old age. Even the choice of words betrays our value judgments on the importance of living a long life.

To me, this often-quoted phrase captures my attitude succinctly: “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.” I think it may be also because I believe that I would not be able to live a long life due to my extreme levels of carelessness. 

With all these said, I am not proposing that we ignore the fact that others may be grieving over departures in their lives and therefore, trivialise the suffering that they are experiencing.

It is perfectly normal to experience sadness and grief as a response to loss in our lives, be it due to death or otherwise. However, we can also choose to respond to those by celebrating the life of the deceased.

For me, I had the idea that at my funeral, guests would be invited to note down a favourite memory that they shared with me. They can then probably laugh together at the silly things that happened in my life, including falling into the swan lake at the Singapore Botanic Gardens and getting into a tussle with monkeys at the Penang Botanic Gardens.

Preparing for Departures

How should we then prepare for departures, be it our own or others’, going overseas or dying? Instead of considering the plethora of things that one can prepare to make the departure easier, I think it would be good to focus on something manageable that we can do regularly.

The Buddha encouraged his disciples to use separation and death as part of 5 themes to reflect upon to support them in their spiritual practice. 

“Bhikkhus, there are these five themes that should often be reflected upon

… by a householder or one gone forth.

1. ‘I am subject to old age; I am not exempt from old age.’

2. ‘I am subject to illness; I am not exempt from illness.’

3. ‘I am subject to death; I am not exempt from death.’

4. ‘I must be parted and separated from everyone and everything dear and agreeable to me.’

5. ‘I am the owner of my kamma, the heir of my kamma; I have kamma as my origin, kamma as my relative, kamma as my resort; I will be the heir of whatever kamma, good or bad, that I do.’”

AN 5.57: Upajjhatthana Sutta

Initially, you may find it weird or even uncomfortable when conducting this set of reflections and that is perfectly normal since we do not usually consider our mortality as we go about our everyday lives. However, I do hope this practice can support you in living a good life, so that when the time comes to leave, for whatever reasons and in whatever ways, you are ready for it.

Summary

We often go through life without thinking about departures of different natures, possibly even avoiding the idea of departures.

The grief that we associate with departures arises easily in our minds and while that is perfectly natural, we can approach departures in a different light.

We can choose to celebrate the moments we shared with the person who is leaving while taking the chance to reflect upon separation and death to support us in our spiritual practice.


Wise Steps:

  • Reminding ourselves of the 5 themes that Buddha taught us help us not to take life for granted
  • Grief is perfectly natural; what matters is our response to it. finding the right community to support you through it is most crucial!
Knowing death is part of life, why do I still get overwhelmed by grief as a Buddhist?

Knowing death is part of life, why do I still get overwhelmed by grief as a Buddhist?

TLDR: What do we do when a loved one passes on? Being in a situation where not everything can be Googled, Fang Huey reflects on her experience as she navigates her way through grief. 

We are all so familiar with birth, ageing, sickness and death. However, when our loved ones pass on, we are often caught off guard and most of us do not know how to handle grief. Is grief really the price we pay for love?

The days leading up to my PoPo’s (Grandma’s) passing were undeniably tough. 

From the day PoPo was warded, many scans and treatments ensued, until she could no longer be treated and was terminally discharged.

“Stage 4 cancer? I do not know how to feel about the possibility of my grandma passing on. How do I prepare myself for death? What do I expect? I do not know.” – 8 February 2021 (An extract from my diary)

It was heartbreaking to witness PoPo’s health deteriorate rapidly within such a short span of time. 

The day I dreaded most arrived. 

The doctor informed us to prepare for the worst while they were carrying out resuscitation efforts.

It was a familiar scene in movies but having to experience that scene myself was hard to process. A sudden realisation hit me that such a close family member would soon be gone permanently from our lives. 

I reached out to my Puja (chanting) book to chant and share merits with PoPo. A few pages later, I couldn’t continue even though I was very familiar with the verses. 

Everything became blurry. I felt lost, uncertain and panicky. 

What should I do? I was helpless.  

Everything happened so quickly and PoPo left us a month after being diagnosed.

Reflecting back on the journey, the following snippets of Dhamma recollection resonated with me. 

Grief hurts

After the funeral, I snapped back to reality and took time to process my emotions. Everything felt just like a dream.

No matter how much I tried to occupy myself with schoolwork and return to ‘normalcy’, I still found myself missing PoPo, spending nights scrolling through photos of her. 

A week after PoPo’s passing, a neighbour asked, “Are you going to PoPo’s house?”

She might just be striking up a casual conversation but I was jolted towards my loss and that I could no longer accompany or chat with PoPo. 

Rings of a bicycle bell would remind me of PoPo coming to my house. I couldn’t help but check the gates during the initial days of grief like responding to Pavlovian conditioning. 

Tears welled up in my eyes when I realised that I would never find PoPo at my gate on her small bike anymore. I felt my heart numb by pain once again. 

There is so much sorrow in knowing that PoPo would not be here with us anymore. The regrets of not spending more time with her surfaced time after time; I only have memories to look back on.

I felt terrible. I turned to Google to search about losing a loved one and whether I would feel better. 

There were sharings from others who have lost their loved ones, but I was unable to find one that satisfied me. On the contrary, reading the articles made me sadder and amplified my loss from resonating with what they have gone through.  

Instead, I had to turn back towards the Dhamma for guidance.

Acknowledging Grief and Suffering Exists

When a loved one passes on, one goes through a period of grieving. During this time, it is easy to lose ourselves and wallow in sadness. This is one of the eight sufferings – the suffering of separating from loved ones.

We are fast to cling to what brings us happiness; we try to get rid of the unpleasant feelings and desire to return to the past when our loved one was still with us. 

By acknowledging that grief exists, without making it personal and accepting suffering as “there is suffering”, instead of “I suffer”, I was able to stop being sucked into the vortex of suffering. I reflected and became more aware of my feelings and thoughts, seeing things as they are. I saw grief as suffering rather than my personal misery. 

“We tend to grasp and identify rather than to observe, witness and understand things as they are.”  – Ajahn Sumedho

Understanding the Reason Behind Sufferings

We suffer due to attachments to our desires. 

I craved PoPo’s presence, company and care for me. But I couldn’t find them back anymore. It is hard to accept the hard truth. 

Her keys, flowers at her windows, soya milk, and many things that I see and hear kept reminding me of her absence. The traces she left behind were everywhere. 

There are many changes I have to deal with. It felt strange; I felt a great loss and a void inside me. 

I wanted PoPo back and for things to be back to normal again, but this wish can never be fulfilled and it causes my suffering.

After recognising and identifying the desire for our loved one to be back with us and for things to go back to normalcy, we can start to let go of the desire. When we no longer grasp and react, but instead lay our desires aside without passing judgement, we start recognising that desire is the cause of suffering. 

Knowing that there is an End to our Suffering

Through investigation and reflection, we see that all conditions are impermanent. All that is subject to arising is subject to ceasing. I tried my best to accept PoPo’s passing; I convinced myself that it is actually good that she passed on quickly and was free from physical pain. 

Our family tried to fill the gaps that PoPo left behind. 

We took on chores that she had been doing all these years and appreciated her even more. 

PoPo’s demise actually brought us closer. As days went by, we adjusted better and better to our new lives. 

By being patient and observing grief, I realised that emotions would cease, and we need not run away from these negative feelings each time it arises. By allowing these conditions and feelings to cease naturally, we experience cessation and non-attachment; we are left with peace. 

Reflections

Author with her PoPo

Although it has been over half a year since PoPo passed, grief and sadness still arise at times.

With time, I learnt how to cope with these feelings betters, by understanding suffering and attachment. I also allow these feelings to exist and naturally fade away with time. 

Over time, we also started realising and appreciating the good PoPo has done more and more. I remember PoPo for the generosity and kindness that she has for people around her. I aspire to be as giving and understanding as her, by incorporating these little acts of kindness into my life. 

Looking back, I am glad that I turned back to the Dhamma as it gave me peace and relief, helping me to understand grief and cope with my feelings better.  


Wise Steps: 

  • When we experience suffering, slow down to observe and witness the suffering without judgment. 
  • In life, we face many obstacles and unpleasant situations. Be kind and gentle towards yourself; give yourself time. 

Saying Goodbye To My Father When I Couldn’t Be Next To Him

Saying Goodbye To My Father When I Couldn’t Be Next To Him

TLDR: Grief is not a stranger to me. I have overcome cancer treatments and I understand the fear of losing someone close to me. Here is my story and why closure is not always a necessity.

Once upon a time,

Birth and Death were lovers.

They have always been in love and

had never been separated.

But one day,

Life separated them.

Like all great love stories,

They will find each other again someday,

because they always belong together.

Birth & Death are inseparable.

Grief is not a stranger to me. I have overcome cancer treatments and I understand the fear of losing someone close to me. It started with my grandparents, my good friends, and then my father. 

I have not seen my father for over a year after my cancer treatments because he was suffering from Pneumonia, an infectious disease. Due to my low immune system, I had to move out and keep a distance away from him. How do you say goodbye to the person when you are not right by their side? Grief only becomes harder. It hurts a lot and it took me some time to go through the grieving. 

Death is a selfish B*tch. It doesn’t matter if you are young or old. It can happen anywhere and at any time. There is no warning or a good ending. Death never left anyone behind. The lucky ones will get to depart first. The one that stays on will linger on a bit longer facing grief.

Death will eat you up, mess up your mind and when someone we truly love dies, it can feel like the end of the world.  

I remembered the story of Kisa Gotami vividly from the Buddha’s chronicle. After losing her only child, she went crazy, holding her dead son desperately seeking someone that could bring her son back to life. Her grief was paralysing so an old man advised her to look for the Buddha, a man well known for his wisdom. 

The Buddha asked her to find mustard seeds from a household where no one had died so he could bring the child back to life. After hearing this wonderful news, she eagerly went from house to house, but to her despair, every household had suffered from a loved ones’ death. Eventually, the realization struck that there is no house free from death. She buried her son and returned to the Buddha, who comforted her and preached to her the truth. 

I always wonder why would the Buddha agree to save her son although it is not possible? 

The first stage of grief is self-denial, refusing to believe that the person had gone. There is this strong attachment that keeps holding on to the person. Buddha is a wise teacher, had he not assigned Kisa Gotami an impossible task she would not have understood the inevitability of death by herself. 

We don’t have to find “closure.” Seeking closure is akin to someone trying to ask a question with no answer.  Closure personally for me seems harsh, like trying to shut the door and end it with a bang. How can you shut down the love you had for someone?

The ability to face the truth is better than closure, it allows us to come to terms with what’s happening. It can help us to process the overwhelming reality of death.

Grief is like a stream running through our life, and it’s important to understand that it doesn’t go away. Our grief lasts a lifetime, but our relationship to it changes. Moving on is the period in which the knot of your grief is untied. It’s the time of renewal.

— Martha Beck, “Elegy for Everything”

Dhamma is the best Psychiatrist

Dhamma helps to clarify. There is no right or wrong way to grief. Everyone has their way of coping with it. 

Don’t let anyone judge how your grieving should be. Some people travel, some people take a break from their job and some people just need to get help from a professional by seeing a psychiatrist. The truth is it will get better as time goes by. 

However, it takes effort to understand the Dhamma, read what Dhamma has spoken about death. The purpose of Dhamma is to help our mind to expand and grow, to clarify. It should uphold us and create an inner sense of peace, joy and clarity.

No one can tell you how long this grief will last or how to make it right. 

What is important is that we should stop concentrating on what we have lost and instead acknowledge what our loved ones have achieved in this life. Doesn’t it make sense that life is not subjected or defined by how long we live, but by how we make an impact on our surroundings, family and friends?

Metamorphosis

When a caterpillar metamorphoses, it doesn’t want the other caterpillars to feel sad for him. Instead, every caterpillar knows it will get through this process naturally. There is no pain, no sorrow, and no guilt. It is merely how nature works. No one can stop the metamorphosis. Death is just a temporary end to a temporary phenomenon.

Also, part of me selfishly focused on my grieving and on what I’ve lost, failed to understand that this person doesn’t belong to me and his presence is not existential. Our loved ones are not born for us to grieve. I realised that everyone, not just me, had experienced grief before and we have to understand that everyone was born to die.

We all will become someone’s ancestors someday.

After the preaching from the Buddha, Kisa Gotami was awakened and entered the first stage of enlightenment. Eventually, she became an Arhat (An enlightened being that goes beyond birth and death). We too can work towards enlightenment by realising these small truths of grief along the way.


Wise Steps:

  • Don’t let the grief destroy love, shatter hope, corrode faith, suppress precious memories that you have for the departed.
  • Closure is not necessary. Don’t beat yourself hard by asking questions that don’t come with an answer.
How To Fearlessly Face The Ghosts Within

How To Fearlessly Face The Ghosts Within

Ghost Month Series: This series explores different angles of the 7th Lunar Month, also known as the Ghost Month. Festivals, Cultures, and Religions often mix together in one place, offering space for different interpretations. We, like you, are keen to explore more. Discern what is helpful to your practice and discard whatever is not.


TLDR: The memories from our past are scarier than the ghosts, they live within and the haunting never seems to cease.

It happens again. It likes to sneak up on you when you are most vulnerable, terrorizes you when you are unaware. Dark at night, when I’m about to fall asleep, when I’m alone staring at the ceiling or listening to an old song when I’m on the bus. I can’t pretend I don’t see them. It’s always right there in my mind even when I close my eyes. What am I talking about? I’m talking about the painful memories of my past.  

If you are quiet, you can hear them, loud and clear — the shadows of who we once were, the lives we’ve lived and people we’ve loved. We’re left with mournful and never-ending remembrance. The haunting never seems to cease. Our memories are scarier than ghost sightings.

Wouldn’t you think our lives are already filled with ghosts? The loved ones that left us stay as memories, like a ghost that lives inside you, and like this you keep them alive.

The sweetest memories can sometimes turn into a moment of tears clouding my eyes. Sometimes, I can’t seem to get out of it. It can be a dreadful burden. The older we are, the more haunted we are. The regrets, guilts, and the attachment we hold on to the happy times we can’t go back again. The memories are like the seaweed that is hard to get untangled. 

Should we banish them entirely, all those ghosts of who we are and who we loved? Should we exorcise them completely? Or should we find a way to lay them at last to rest?

Untangle The Past

Although memories reflect what actually happened in the past, they are not the reality. We don’t have to let our memories control our emotions and bind us like a dog chain. If we handle our memories mindfully, we can unburden ourselves of them; we are able to view them with an open heart, looking in from the window outside the house, that brings calm to the mind and in turn heals any gloomy emotion that arises.

When our memories resurface, learn to switch our thoughts to an observation frequency. Not to overload ourselves with heavy emotions by allowing memories to interpose into our thoughts making it a hyperreality.

Letting Go Of The Past

Sometimes I wonder why these memories keep resurfacing, and I realized it’s because I can’t let go. The past can’t be changed and yet we keep playing it in our head a million times.

It keeps reliving and by doing that. I’ve sacrificed the present and the future that could create happier memories. 

Buddha once talked about letting go, “Your letting go of it will be for your long-term happiness & benefit. Whatever arises in dependence on intellect-contact, experienced either as pleasure, as pain, or as neither-pleasure-nor-pain, that too is not yours: let go of it. Your letting go of it will be for your long-term happiness & benefit.”. 

For any long-term sustainable happiness, we have to learn how to let go, not holding on or creating a blockage. Happiness and sadness can’t happen at the same time and they are never yours, to begin with. 

Sending Loving Kindness To Ourselves

There is no doubt our past decisions make us who we are today, but it doesn’t make sense to let the past define who we are. If we treat our memories sensitively, with loving kindness, we can cultivate intuition and discernment for our future selves, rather than judging and blaming the ghosts from our past.

Memories Of My Father

Once when I was having breakfast, my father asked, “Why did I skip the bread skin and go straight to the softer piece of the bread?” 

“The top layer is always dry and hard.” I answered. 

“Who is going to eat that, if you don’t eat it?” My father replied

I lost my father a few years ago and that memory of him always brings me to tears. Instead of weeping, I now see it as a way to inspire me to be more selfless.  

Some of us may feel like weeping when confronted with our ghastly memories, but there is no need to run away from it or continue feeling sad about it. Instead, we can rise above the conditions and conditioning of our past. When we hold our memories carefully, we are no longer haunted by what has happened to us; we view our past and present experiences from a different perspective. 

Lay The Ghosts To Rest

I’m still human. I walk with my ghosts from time to time, and sometimes I can confront them and sometimes, I’m overwhelmed by them. But, at least I feel like I’m slowly reaching a state of mind where I can see them truly as the past and putting it to rest. 

It’s a matter of acknowledging the good memory, feeling it and then reminding myself of the good that is happening in my life now. Reach inside for gratitude for what was and what is and try to find a place of acceptance.

We can take the mournful and never-ending remembrance and turn it instead into memories that we can appreciate as a valuable part of our beautiful lives. We can learn, over time and with practice, how to be grateful for the changes, and we can stop mourning them. We can even celebrate all the aspects of who we were and are now and all of the people we’ve loved along the way.

Instead of fearing the ghost of my memories, I now see them as my companion I can live comfortably with.


Wise Steps:

  • Turn our memories into valuable parts of our beautiful lives that are worth appreciating regardless of the good or the bad.
  • Rise above the conditioning of our past by viewing our past and present experiences from a different perspective.
  • Acknowledging the good or bad memory, feeling it and then reminding yourself of the good that is in your life right now.