Editor’s notes: This article has been kindly contributed by Bhante Shravasti Dhammika whose works can be found on Budblooms. In addition, he has launched a new book Footprints in the Dust: The Life of the Buddha from the Earliest Sources, now available on Amazon. TW: Content covers the topic of suicide.
TLDR: Is being Gay wrong in Buddhism? A question Bhante Dhammika occasionally gets. He shares his encounter with a Buddhist practitioner and how it is important to give wise advice according to the teachings of the Buddha.
The Hesitating Question
Occasionally someone, usually a young man but sometimes a young women or an older man or women, will approach me and after a few minutes of hesitation or beating around the bush, ask me what the Buddhist position on homosexuality is.
When they do I tell them that intentional actions (kamma) modify consciousness and that our kamma conditions our future.
Positive intentional acts have positive effects (vipaka) and negative intentional acts have a negative effect.
Sexual acts motivated by the usual intentions, feelings and emotions which exist between two people who love each other, would have a positive effect and would not infringe the third Precept, whether they be homosexual or heterosexual.
Buddhist Ethics and Sex
I underline this point by saying that Buddhist ethics about sex are primarily concerned with the motives behind out sexual behaviour, rather than the gender of our partner.
This being so, if two people of the same gender express their love for each other physically there is no good reason why the kamma this creates should be any different from when two people of the opposite gender do the same.
Having said this, I then try to change the subject, not because I am embarrassed talking about homosexuality, but because I do not like the ‘single issue’ approach to Dhamma.
However, that view changed when I met Julian.
An Unforgettable Encounter
A few years ago I had an encounter which made me realize that inquiries about homosexuality, whether from LGBTQ+ identifying individuals or their families, should be given my whole attention.
However theoretical or marginal this issue may be to me it is likely to be of considerable importance to the people who ask such questions.
A young man named Julian rung me asking if he could come and talk to me about Buddhism. I said he could, and on the appointed day and time, he came. Julian turned out to be about 20 years old, of slight build and with pleasant features.
He was well-groomed and neatly dressed. He started by asking me a few questions about some aspects of Buddhism, but I sensed that these were not really what he was interested in.
Finally, the question came, “Venerable, can a gay person be a good Buddhist?” I gave my usual reply, but it soon became clear that this did not please him.
He kept interjecting and expressing doubts about what I said. I answered all his objections but he remained unconvinced. Arriving at a deadlock and not knowing what more I could say, I asked him if he was gay.
He blushed, cleared his throat and said that he was. Then he told me his story. Since his early teens, he noticed that he was attracted to other boys and had a particular interest in woman’s clothes. Horrified by these feelings he kept them well under control.
The Cycle of Self-hatred
A year ago while doing his national service, he had met another soldier who was gay and since that time they had been having a relationship, although a guilt-filled and fugitive one.
Once or twice a month, they would pool their resources and book a hotel for the night. He would dress in women’s clothes, put on makeup, and they would spend the night together.
For Julian at least, this would be followed by days of self-loathing and resolutions never to do it again. After he had finished telling me this, he hung his head and said, “This must be wrong.”
“Well,” I said, “some people would find it a bit strange. But from a Buddhist perspective, I really can’t see that it is particularly harmful. Satisfying sexual urges is a perfectly natural thing to do and it is acceptable where it does not involve adultery or harming others.
The conflict you create within yourself by hating what are completely harmless feelings hurts you much more than being gay ever could.
There is no reason why you can’t practice the Precepts – respecting the life, the prosperity, and the sexual feelings of others, their right to know the truth and keeping your mind free from intoxicants – while being gay.”
He was silent but I could see that I had not been able to still his doubts. Julian visited me two more times over the next two months, and our conversations were about the Dhamma in general, although we also went over the same territory concerning homosexuality with very much the same results.
The Call
After not having seen or heard from Julian for nearly six months, I got a call from him. He told me that a famous Taiwanese monk was in town giving a series of talks and that he had managed to get a few minutes with him.
He had asked the monk the same question he had asked me, and the monk had told him that homosexuality was a filthy, evil thing and that homosexuals get reborn in the lowest hell where they are boiled in excrement for eons.
Julian said this with an almost triumphant tone, seemingly glad that he had proved me wrong or that he had found someone who agreed with him.
I asked him what else this venerable monk had said. “Nothing,” he replied. “He was going somewhere and only had a few minutes to talk.”
Giving Advice in Accordance to the Dhamma
How often has this happened to me? I have told an inquirer something about Buddhism which I know to be sound, sensible and in accordance with the Tipitaka, they go to another monk who tells them the exact opposite and then they come back to me asking me to explain the anomaly.
Then I am stuck with the problem of either saying that the other monk doesn’t know what he is talking about (which is often the case) and appearing to be an arrogant upstart or biting my lip, saying nothing and letting the person go away with yet another half-baked notion or superstition thinking that it is Dhamma.
How often? Very often! In most cases, this is just frustrating. In this case, it had tragic consequences.
Final Words
“Look Julian,” I said, “You asked me what Buddhism would say about homosexuality, and I told you based on my 20 years of studying the Buddhist scriptures and thinking about various issues in the light of the Buddha’s Dhamma. I don’t know what else I can say.”
I told him that if he wanted to talk with me at any time, he was welcome to do so, and then we hung up.
Four days later I was browsing through the paper, and a small article tucked away on the eighth page caught my eye. The heading read ‘Man’s Body Found in Park.’ I scanned the article briefly and was about to turn to something else when the name Julian sprung out at me. In an instant, my attention was riveted.
I read the part where this name appeared, and sure enough, it was about the Julian who had come to see me. I returned to the top of the article and read it all the way through.
Four days earlier, perhaps only a few hours after ringing me, Julian had gone to a park in the centre of Singapore late at night, taken an overdose of sleeping tablets and been found dead the next morning.
A suicide note had been found in his pocket, but the article did not mention what it said. I was overwhelmed by sorrow. The thought of him lying there utterly alone, hating himself and in such despair that he would kill himself almost made me cry.
Sadness turned to anger
But soon, anger was welling up through the sadness and diluting it until it had completely replaced the sadness. I pictured the Taiwanese monk blithely dispensing his ignorant and ultimately toxic opinion before rushing off to give a sermon about compassion or receive the accolade of the crowd.
I became so angry that I resolved to write him a letter and tell him what he had been responsible for. Then I thought it would probably be a waste of time. He probably wouldn’t even remember talking to Julian.
It seems to me that most thoughtful people would agree that sex without love is a pretty unattractive thing.
Physically, it is little more than ‘exchanging fluids’ as the sex education literature so delicately puts it. What lifts sex above the fluids exchange level is the motives and emotions behind it – affection, tenderness, the desire to give and receive, the bonds of companionship, fun even.
Intention is Kamma
This fits well into the Buddha’s famous statement, “I say that intention is kamma.”
Is sticking a knife into someone a positive or a negative action? It depends! If the knife was held by an enraged violent person, it would probably be negative. If it is held by a surgeon performing an operation to save someone’s life, it would certainly be positive.
From the Buddhist perspective, sexual behaviour is not judged primarily by the gender of the people involved, by the dictates of a code of behaviour drawn up in the Bronze Age or by whether a legal document has been signed, but by its psychological components.
Homosexuals are as capable of wanting and of feeling love and affection towards their partners as heterosexuals are, and where such states are present, homosexual sex is as acceptable as heterosexual sex.
This is a simple and logical truth and it is in accordance with Buddhist teachings, but circumstances were such that I was unable to help Julian see it.
All his experience had told him that being attracted to people of the same gender is wrong.
Those around him had always expressed disapproval towards homosexuality and sniggered at gays. The Singapore law at that time made it a crime to engage in homosexual acts between males. He knew other religions, and even some Buddhists, consider it so evil that it will have dreadful consequences in the life hereafter.
All this denigration and ignorance prevented him from hearing the gentle, reasonable, and kindly words of the Buddha.
It caused him inestimable suffering and finally drove him to suicide. I was reminded of Julian because some months later, I represented Buddhism in a seminar on religion and homosexuality at Catholic Junior College. I was surprised and pleased about how Catholic education had changed that they would have an open discussion of such an issue.
Of the 800 students in the audience, I assumed that a certain number would probably be homosexual and may be struggling to understand their feelings.
Knowing that what I said may well have something to do with them growing up either happy and well-adjusted or tortured and self-loathing, I did take great care to explain the Buddhist position on homosexuality.
Wise Steps:
In a world where we can be anything, be kind
Take the time to understand and listen to fellow practitioners who struggle with their sexuality
Familiarise ourselves with the precepts and understand what the Buddha taught and what were not his teachings; he did not teach. It could save a life.
TLDR: Marry My Dead Body. With increased exposure and interactions, we can learn to reduce our fear and overcome our biases and prejudices towards people who are different from us. The power of love, compassion, and forgiveness is not to be underestimated; it can help us overcome our challenges and increase the happiness of ourselves and others.
Marry my dead body
Ming Han in a ghost wedding to ward off bad luck Cr: Netflix
Marry My Dead Body is a funny Taiwanese LGBTQ-themed movie that weaves in themes of love, compassion, and forgiveness. Some minor spoilers will be shared here, please proceed with caution.
In brief, the movie is about a straight homophobic and ghostphobic male cop, Ming Han, who was compelled to marry a male gay ghost, Mao Mao, in a traditional ghost wedding, to avoid a string of bad luck.
Through a series of hilarious interactions between the cop and the ghost, we see the relationship transform from intense animosity to tolerance, acceptance, and love. Below are three Dhammic lessons I glimpsed when watching the movie!
Cultivating Love for Difficult People:
What do you think when I mention Love? You are probably thinking of your past unrequited love aka crush, or if you are lucky, romantic love, yet the word love encompasses more than just romantic love. Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposes the Triangular Theory of Love, which consists of 3 components of love that includes 1) commitment, 2) passion, and 3) intimacy.
Love takes on diverse forms, like a tapestry woven with romantic love, companionate love, friendship love, and consummate love.
Romantic love ignites quickly with passion and intimacy but can fizzle without lasting commitment.
In enduring relationships, passion may dim, but companionate love emerges, where commitment and intimacy persist, transforming partners into best friends.
Friendship love is marked by heartfelt intimacy, yet it lacks the fiery passion and enduring commitment found in romantic relationships.
The pinnacle is consummate love in Sternberg’s theory – the trio of commitment, passion, and intimacy, a love that endures through time, keeping the flames of passion and intimacy alive.
Love conquers all may be a cliché that we often hear, but does it ring true in Buddhism? What does the Buddha have to say about love? The Buddha teaches and encourages us to cultivate love – specifically, in the form of Mettā or Lovingkindness.
Metta & the gay ghost
The cop & the ghost argue. Cr: Netlfix
In the practice of Mettā, besides finding it hard to extend lovingkindness for oneself, the other group of people we find challenging to practice with would be the “Difficult People” in our lives.
Similarly, in the movie, the homophobic cop has a hard time extending love, care, and concern to the gay ghost. The cop felt that he was tricked into the arranged marriage, plus, he embraces a more macho, no-nonsense approach to life, whereas the ghost appears to be more effeminate, and playful to his liking.
Nevertheless, after an extended period of interaction and understanding the challenges the ghost has to endure, he slowly opens up to the ghost. He is able to extend goodwill towards his adversary – the ghost.
I recall in one of Ajahn Brahm’s talks, he shared a technique on how to extend lovingkindness to a difficult person in our life. Ajahn Brahm encourages us to look at a person’s face and see if we can extend Lovingkindness to the person’s eyes, nose, ear, mouth, or other features of the face that are acceptable enough for us to extend our love towards.
Another cliché comes to mind, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!” The point here is to break the hard and challenging part of extending Mettā towards our “Enemies” into small bite-sized forms, and you may find the Mettā flows freely towards them!
Compassion for Others’ Suffering:
Suffering is inevitable in our daily lives, and when we are overwhelmed with our pain and losses, we may find it hard to extend compassion to others around us.
However, to alleviate our pain and suffering, sometimes, it helps to turn outward to others around us, and see how we can help those in need. In psychology, this technique would be called downward social comparison, whereby instead of comparing ourselves to others who are doing better than us, we would compare ourselves to those who are worse off than us.
By doing this, we can learn to 1) be grateful for the things going well for us; and 2) extend our compassion towards those in need.
When Ming Han, the cop, saw that Mao Mao was dealing with unrequited one-sided love with his boyfriend, Ming Han realized that despite having a different sexual orientation from Mao Mao, the desire to love and be loved is natural and universal.
This was observed when we saw that Mao Mao wanted to get married to his boyfriend, following the legalization of gay marriage in Taiwan. Mao Mao wanted to gain the legal recognition of marriage like other straight couples.
Finding common ground or values makes it easier to relate and connect to others in our lives. These tiny glimpses into the life of another allow one’s compassion to come forth easily.
For myself, when I am frustrated with my interactions with difficult people, I remind myself that they too desire happiness. Of course, our approach to achieving happiness may differ, but that does not mean that I have the right to stop them from pursuing their happiness.
Compassion helps to buffer against suffering in two ways, 1) by helping to neutralize and reduce the impact of negative thoughts that arise in our mind, and 2) by providing the inner-confidence to endure and overcome challenges that come up in our life, so both our heart and mind is steady and collected.
HH Dalai Lama further elaborates that compassion causes our brain to function better and brings inner strength, which serves as a source of happiness. For a person who has to deal with not only his own suffering but also the suffering of the Tibetan people, the Dalai Lama has a higher level of acceptance and compassion towards the suffering of others than I do.
Forgiveness is Always Possible:
I recalled in the Dec 2022 meditation retreat that I attended with Ajahn Brahm, I was having a challenging time practising. I tried my usual array of Mindfulness, Lovingkindness, and Compassion meditation, yet they all failed to calm my agitated mind towards the difficult person in my workplace.
Then, I remembered the Forgiveness practice that I learned with my Buddhist lay teacher – Jeff Oliver, and I downloaded his e-book – “Forgiveness of Everyone” to dive deep into the practice and I found that Forgiveness worked! I had immense gratitude to the retreat participant who asked a question about Forgiveness and to Ajahn Brahm for eloquently elaborating on the Forgiveness practice, which planted the seed for me to give Forgiveness practice another try during the retreat.
The power of forgiveness comes alive during the movie. It made me ponder, that sometimes, the key to letting go of a difficult situation or person in our life is by forgiving them.
In the movie, a poignant part is where the ghost’s father seeks forgiveness for his dismissive behaviour toward his son’s decision to marry his boyfriend.
The act of seeking forgiveness, despite not being able to interact with Mao Mao (the ghost) directly, helps to absolve the guilt of the father, and also for Mao Mao who was able to hear the love flowing from his father helped him to be absolved from his worldly attachment and be set free.
Mao Mao’s Father & the Cop interact as Mao Mao watches over Cr: Netflix
As viewers, through the backstory, we actually see that there was a big misunderstanding between the father and the ghost, resulting in anger and frustration in their already tense relationship.
Similarly in life, we may rightfully be upset with our friends and loved ones over their seemingly “wrong” behaviour, but we may be clouded with our own thoughts and fail to see the true reason why they may behave the way they did.
Hence, open communication and forgiveness may help smoothen our social relationships before they deteriorate. We do not want to wait until the inevitable (Death) happens, and we cannot mend our relationships.
Conclusion
In conclusion, if you are looking for a light-hearted movie to ease your mind off your daily grind yet want to gain some wisdom from watching movies, check out Marry My Dead Body.
Besides having a good laugh, you may discover additional nuggets of wisdom to better navigate your relationships in life and gain a better understanding and compassion towards LGBTQ+ individuals. Let us strive to help ourselves, and our fellow beings lead a happier and more compassionate life, in whatever small ways we can.
Wise Steps:
To increase our tolerance towards people of different values and experiences, try to read a short article or a book, or even talk to someone who has that lived-in experience, and see how your views and attitudes may change after a chat. Or you can try to practice sending Mettā first, before engaging with them.
Try to imagine yourself in a challenging situation in life who desires help and support from others. Similarly, others are also seeking relief from suffering. What small ways can we help those in need? Donating $1 or $2 to the tissue seller by the street is my small way of extending my compassion to those in need, how about you?
In dealing with difficult people in our lives, we may not be able, nor do we wish to seek direct communication with the other party. Still, we can use a tip from psychological research – write a letter to the other person, to express our views and forgive them. This may be the release you need for self-healing.
For those who self-identified as LGBTQ+ Buddhist or allies, you can check out Rainbodhi Singapore community, explore the website here or join the Telegram group for event updates here.
TLDR: The Brahmavihārāare more accessible than you realise. Read on to find ideas on how to practice them in your daily life. Learn more about the author’s first-hand experience of the LGBTQIA+ Buddhist community, Rainbodhi Singapore.
When we think of the Brahmavihārā, or the Divine Abodes, we may think of this heavenly state of mind, as something that exists only when you are able to achieve the elusive and hard-to-attain states of mind called Jhāna.
As human beings, we naturally crave happiness and shun suffering, hence I too have been chasing the elusive happy state of mind. While on a meditation retreat, I chanced upon the practices of the Brahmavihārā, and I was able to achieve a taste of the pleasant states of mind, which has been alluded to as living like Heaven on Earth.
Who would not want that experience?
The practice of the Brahmavihārā can also help us better manage our emotions when dealing with the 8 worldly concerns in our daily life. And you can have a taste of the Brahmavihārā without going through an intensive meditation retreat.
Here, I would like to share my experience, of encountering the 4 Brahmavihārā of Mettā – Lovingkindness; Karuṇā – Compassion; Muditā – Appreciative Joy; and Upekkhā – Equanimity, in the Rainbodhi Singapore* community here. And, how you can practice the 4 Brahmavihārā in your own daily life.
I faced anxiety and dread in my first meeting with the Rainbodhi Singapore community, as discrimination and judgment can sadly occur even within the LGBTQIA+ community.
Internalised homophobia hurt members of the LGBTQIA+ community. As a minority, an outsider, and a non-local, I face challenges in finding a safe space across communities. Fortunately, my experience with the Rainbodhi Singapore community is different.
Mettā – Lovingkindness:
As I walked and panted up the steps at Fort Canning Park for Rainbodhi Singapore’s first monthly picnic, I kept wondering to myself if I should turn away. As this could be a potentially socially awkward event for the shy, introverted me.
Yet, I told myself that, I already came so far, and I should just show up. Showing up is half the battle won, I often remind my friends, that I should practice what I preach.
As I inch closer to the picnic site, from afar, I saw the smiley and happy face of Kyle Neo, the founder of Rainbodhi Singapore, waving his welcoming hands at me.
Kyle’s face radiated so much lovingkindness and friendliness that it melted away my fear and doubt about this meeting.
It was still early and there was just another person, Koh An Ding, at the picnic, but seeing her smile and nod happily as I approached the picnic mats further welcomed me into this new community for me.
What did I learn from these simple gestures from two relative strangers? Lovingkindness can manifest itself in a friendly smile or nod, making a world of difference to those around you. We can spread Mettā around us, getting on the bus, a smile, or a nod at the bus driver. If you try, this can enormously impact everyone’s life.
Karuna– Compassion:
Continuing my picnic story, being part of a community is key.
We self-identify as members of the Rainbow community. This shared identity allows us to understand and connect with one another easily, even if it is our first meeting.
And this allowed me to open up about the challenging work experience that I was going through at that moment in time. Being heard and being seen by my new friends, I felt the wave of compassion washing over me, not because I am part of the minority group, but because I am a fellow human being, who is experiencing pain and suffering in life, at the workplace.
Compassion – bearing witness to another suffering, does not take away their pain, but it strengthens the bond of humanity when we recognize the 1stNoble Truth – that “There is Suffering”, and that we are not alone in the broad theme of “Sufferings of the World.” You can relieve the suffering of important people or even strangers, by just lending your listening ear.
Muditā– Appreciative Joy:
The repeal of Section 377A in Singapore, the law that criminalises sex between men, was officially repealed in November 2022, and I witnessed much joy and appreciation within the Rainbodhi Singapore community.
However, there is much left wanting by the community in terms of freedom and understanding from broader society. At times, some members of the community feel it is up against an ongoing slew of oppressive expectations and stereotypes.
Nevertheless, this does not stop one from rejoicing in the success and freedom of any groups within the rainbow community.
Living our life on a hedonic treadmill, we feel that we must constantly chase after happiness, to constantly get the dopamine kick, the feel-good chemical spark in our brain. And that can be a challenging thing to happen in our life.
Just like playing your favourite mobile game, levelling up to the Beginner’s level is so much easier and faster than trying to level up to the Expert’s level instead.
Hence, trying to seek happiness and joy to happen in our life would be frustrating, because it would be further and fewer in between.
How about trying this instead?
How about in our daily life, you choose to rejoice in others’ happiness, and you can multiply the joys in your life much easier and faster.
This provides an ongoing stream of happiness, joy, and gratitude to come into our life, not dependent on good news happening to us alone, but also builds upon the goodness that showers on others.
I always wonder if this is one of the secrets of the happy monks and nuns that we see in temples and monasteries when they are constantly rejoicing in laypeople and fellow monastic goodness, that they can stay perpetually happy.
Upekkhā– Equanimity:
While there is a win for LGBTQIA+ rights with the repeal of Section 377A, it also comes with the news of the amendment to the Constitution with the intent to protect the definition of marriage, to narrowly define it between the marriage of a man and a woman.
It creates the split feeling of a win (with the repeal of Section 377A), yet a loss (with the greater restrictions of the marriage definition), banning the possibility of same-sex marriage in Singapore, for now.
Some members of the Rainbodhi SG community encourage calm and patience, in securing greater gains for the LGBTQIA+ community, over time.
To me, it is a good example and portrayal of Equanimity, in the face of the mixed wins and losses in life. Trying to stay balanced amid the salad mix of emotions is what the practice of Equanimity calls for.
In our life, we may be shocked and overjoyed with the different ranges of emotions that may come up, when faced with different life events. And given enough time, we find that the initial emotions usually wear down and become less intense.
Hence, I would say that we all have practised Equanimity in our life, more than we realised. Just give it time, for time will heal all wounds. Khanti (Patience) is one of the 10 Pāramī (Perfections) that are encouraged to be developed after all.
Conclusion:
June is typically celebrated as Pride Month. Finding Rainbodhi’s community has been a joyful experience. I hope this inspires more LGBTQIA+ Buddhists and allies to learn and join Rainbodhi Singapore’s activities. Do explores your own ideas on how you can further practice the Brahmavihārā in a practical way in your daily life.
Wish to find out more? You can visit the Rainbodhi Singapore website here or join the Telegram group for event updates here.
Wise Steps:
You can be creative and innovative in practising Loving-kindness, Compassion, Appreciative Joy, and Equanimity in your daily life.
You can deepen your practice of Lovingkindness and Compassion towards the under-represented community in Singapore, such as the LGBTQIA+ community in this Pride month and beyond.
Note:
* For those unfamiliar with Rainbodhi Singapore, this is the community of Buddhist practitioners in Singapore, who also identify as members or allies of the LGBTQIA+ community.
Hi there! My name is Wilson and I identify as a gay cis-male, with pronouns he/him. To celebrate Pride Month, I would like to share some personal thoughts on the topic of coming out.
However, it’s important to note that coming out is a deeply personal process and is different for everyone. Without being sensitive to this, there can be misunderstandings and unintentional discrimination even amongst the different communities under the LGBTQ+ umbrella. The incident of an actress, Rebel Wilson, being outed publicly by a gay journalist before she was ready to, is one example.
As my sharing focuses heavily on the experiences of a gay cis-male, for the benefit of other members of the LGBTQ+ community, I have included resources at the end of this article to offer other perspectives on this topic.
Q&A
1. What does ‘coming out’ mean to you?
To me, ‘coming out’ is a process of ‘letting people in’. I know it sounds oxymoronic. Just imagine our house. There are some rooms that we would allow guests to enter, while some are only permitted to loved ones. Or perhaps we may choose to keep the doors closed at all times regardless of who it is.
These rooms represent different aspects of our identity, and coming out is akin to inviting others to see various sides of us. But it’s not just about letting others into these rooms. It’s also about letting ourselves in. Because coming out is part of a journey to accepting ourselves for who we are.
It took me a long time to accept my own sexuality. Therefore, I can understand if people around me need more time to come to terms with theirs too. Also, there isn’t any fixed order of letting people in. Some prefer to be completely comfortable with their own sexuality before coming out to others. Some prefer to have their loved ones support them on this journey of coming out from the beginning. Some prefer to come out to others after they are financially stable. Some prefer not to come out to others at all. You decide what is right for you.
Most importantly, allow yourself to embrace this aspect of you completely. The kindness that you grant to yourself will triumph over any kindness that others shower on you.
2. What challenges did you face growing up as a gay cis-male?
I first guessed that I was gay at the age of 11. When I started to realise that I was different from others, I began judging myself for being “abnormal”. I was constantly worried that others would find out about my secret. I tried to develop feelings for girls but it just somehow never felt right. I once confessed my feelings to a girl, to then realise that it was not what I truly felt.
In order to avoid dealing with my sexuality, I diverted my energy to my studies. I also built a staggeringly high wall in my heart to keep my parents out. I was worried about how they would react if they were to find out I was gay.
3. How did you do it then?
At 18, I developed a crush on a male classmate who was dating a girl. When I finally came to terms that it was unrequited, I felt really heartbroken. I remember feeling really silly and before long, nothing I did brought me joy and I would tear uncontrollably at random moments. I decided to confide in a close friend over MSN Messenger. (I can already picture the quizzical looks on the faces of Gen-Zs)
I shared with him my struggles and eventually, came out to him. He told me, “That doesn’t matter to me. You are still my friend, no matter what.” Till today, I feel truly blessed to have that as my first coming out experience, one that was met with unconditional love.
I came out to my parents when I was 23. While it took them some time, both of them were accepting. To me, I was finally able to bring down a wall that separated us for such a long time. Our relationship has improved since.
Now, I feel that I’m still on a journey of coming out to myself and others, but it is one with much more support from my loved ones. A few friends at work expressed concern about me coming out to colleagues. However, I feel like this is my way of showing the people around me that my sexuality is just one aspect of me and it does not change anything about the other aspects.
4. What is the funniest reaction you received when you came out to someone?
“How can you be gay? You love watching tennis and more importantly, your dress sense is horrible.”
I burst into laughter when a friend at work who previously thought that I had a “girlfriend” exclaimed that line, in jest (I believe). While I do admit that my dress sense is far from impeccable, her words reminded me of certain stereotypes that people have about gay males.
5. Can I still be a Buddhist after I have decided to come out as LGBTQ+?
Of course you can! Being LGBTQ+ does not stop you from progressing on the Noble Eightfold Path. Enlightenment is available to everyone regardless of gender and sexual orientation.
6. Any advice for someone who is struggling with understanding their sexuality?
Please be kind to yourself and give yourself the time and space to explore your feelings! In the meantime, find people or resources that you can trust to support you on your journey. I hope that as you discover more stories of those who have walked a similar path, you would realise that you are not alone and that there are safe spaces for you to make sense of all your feelings and thoughts.
I felt that as I judged myself excessively for my sexuality in my youth, I developed a coping mechanism by looking outwards instead of looking inwards. I gave a lot to others and yearned for affirmation. At the same time, I avoided my emotions and denied myself of the care and love that I gave to others. Over the years, I have learnt to love and care for myself as well as I do so for others and to accept the different aspects of me.
7. How can I be an ally for a friend on their coming out journey?
Be a friend like how you would be with other friends who face their own struggles in different areas! Practise active listening, avoid assumptions and respect the confidentiality of what has been confided in you. As you gain more awareness about the LGBTQ+ community, you can be an ally to your friend and also to others in the community.
Being a gay cis-male has shown me that different aspects of my identity can give me privilege or cause me to be discriminated against. This prompts me to be an ally for others who face discrimination, e.g. women and people living with HIV. When we are allies for one another, we can collectively love ourselves and others much better.
Conclusion
Writing this article felt like another step in my coming out journey and I honestly struggled while writing it. However, I am thankful to the people in my life who have accepted me for who I am and supported me in so many ways. For me, coming out has become something that I do more often with the people I meet now and I do hope that the world will be a better place for all who are facing discrimination in one way or another, not just the LGBTQ+ community.
Wholesome Wednesdays (WW): Bringing you curated positive content on Wednesdays to uplift your hump day.
Pink Dot, an event that supports people’s right to love, comes and goes every year. This year is back to a physical event with many hugs exchanged and photos taken. Beyond the event, how can we show support and compassion to our LGBTQ+ friends?
1. To foster harmony and understanding, we first must drop the need to be right all the time. Here’s how
2. The ultimate guide to inclusivity in organisations (Buddhist ones included!)
To foster harmony and understanding, we first must drop the need to be right all the time. Here’s how
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What’s going on here
The author shares how we can establish harmony between the divides in society. Staying silent about discrimination can make us part of the problem too. Understanding our and others’ fears can bridge the gap.
Why we like it & the key takeaway
The author gives super nice graphics on how we can react in different situations. For example, if a colleague is uncomfortable with another colleague’s sexual orientation. Or in other cases, a colleague feels discriminated against because of their sexual orientation.
“A constructive approach is to educate ourselves about the opposing views in hopes that our perspectives can be shifted, and that misconceptions can be cleared. “
The ultimate guide to inclusivity in organisations (Buddhist ones included!)
Screen capture from Rainbodhi’s Manual
What’s going on here
Rainbodhi, a spiritual friendship group for LGBTQIA+ Buddhists and an advocate for more inclusion and diversity in the broader Buddhist community, shares a simple manual for boosting inclusivity in Buddhist groups and more!
Why we like it & key takeaways
The cute comic strip helps the reader navigate the dos and don’ts in creating an inclusive practitioner circle for all. More importantly, the manual also shares perspectives on the link between Anatta & sexual identity. We love the manual as it is comprehensive in building a more inclusive organisation.
“Some Buddhists use the concept of not-self to shut down LGBTQIA+ people talking about issues that affect them, or the very real suffering that they experience.”
