Editor’s note: This is an adapted article from Roberta’s blog of reflection and learnings
TLDR: Running thin on kindness for your loved ones? Ro explores deeper why that happens and how we can change that.
Life’s Ironies
It’s one of life’s ironies, that we often reserve our charm and grace for colleagues and fleeting strangers, while our closest companions sometimes (or often) get the grumpy, exhausted and less-than-ideal versions of us.
In a recent conversation with some friends (all inspiring, strong ladies), we reflected on how easy it is to take those dearest to us for granted.
It’s like we’re keeping our kindness currency in a bank, only using the keycard for brief interactions scattered throughout our day. I’ve been pondering this behaviour and why this tends to be the case for so many of us. It is as if our bank of Metta is sucked out of us before we notice.
Great at corporate, Not-so-great at loved ones
A close friend of mine, a true corporate powerhouse, who can network with potential clients and business magnates with the charisma of a Hollywood star, reflected on how she often greets her partner with but a quick peck and a tyranny of demands.
Such a paradox. It’s not intentional, of course — she doesn’t mean to be demanding and low energy. In the moment, she isn’t able to withhold her raw emotions and frustrations and when he’s not around, she feels worse for her behaviour. She had, what Ajahn Brahm calls, ‘Double Guilt’, the guilt from feeling guilty about doing something negative
Loved ones in our line of fire
We’ve all been there. Life’s demands and uncertainties that are associated with being an adult can leave us feeling anxious and on edge. When we’re with our loved ones, we get to come out from under the facade that we carry throughout our days and reveal our anxieties and raw emotions.
Who better to witness this transformation than our loved ones, who end up often unfortunately in the firing line?
Showing kindness to others is an important social currency. I believe that a small kindness to a stranger can go a long way. It’s important to remember though, that friends and family are our true gems, and worthy of being treated as such.
They care deeply, they’re the ones who see us at our worst and still love us. In a world bursting with seven billion people, these connections inject meaning and purpose into our existence.
So then, it should be as natural as breathing to shower them with kindness and affection, right?
How often do you give your partner a warm smile?
When we talk about kindness, it’s often defined as selflessly helping others, with no expectation of receiving anything in return.
We beam at our barista, applaud a colleague’s effort, and lend an ear to an acquaintance. With our friends and family, we often have a different bar for them and load them with expectations that we associate with our relationship.
We don’t approach them with the same lens that we do strangers, which makes showing kindness that much more meaningful.
Unfiltered vs. Worst Self
It’s both a blessing and a curse to have our loved ones see all of us. They see the best side of us and the less patient and often curt sides of our personalities.
Psychological studies even reveal that we sometimes unleash direct (nagging, demands) and indirect (passive-aggressiveness) aggression on our closest ones because we think they can handle it. Essentially, we treat them like the punching bags of our emotions.
Think about that. We’re being our worst selves to our favourite people, just because they will “tolerate” it. What a twisted way of showing affection.
Imagine An Alternate Reality with Your Loved Ones
Wouldn’t it be better if we lit up when our partner entered the room? Or greeted our parents with hugs that radiate love? Maybe we should meet our friends with the energy we save for the coffee meeting with a client?
I’m not advocating for us to don masks and put up fronts before our loved ones. But it’s about acknowledging how our autopilot treatment of our loved ones can be harmful.
Time is precious, and in our busy lives, amid countless demands, it’s vital to spoil our loved ones with kindness and appreciation.
These are a few tips about how we can show more kindness and love to our favourite people:
Practice Stoicism — imagine life without them
This can sound morbid and negative, but that’s exactly what makes it a strong practice. In my daily meditations, I can experience the huge hole my life would have without the presence and love of my family and closest friends.
This makes me feel a sense of immense gratitude and love for them and the time that I have with them. I’m able to be more present and more openly show my appreciation for them.
Ever notice the small gestures from your partner, like making you a cup of tea or opening the door for you?
Maybe it’s a friend, listening to your latest quandary. It’s so easy to take for granted these actions from our loved ones when we are in the thick of our turmoil.
Yet, the small actions are acts of love that we should take more time to acknowledge. Noticing these actions gives us opportunities for us to show gratitude. It can be as simple as conveying your gratitude for their actions through a heartfelt, in-the-moment “thank you.”
By sharing gratitude and being aware of their actions, you are less likely to “attack” your loved ones.
It comes back twofold, as it also helps future difficult conversations become more meaningful.
You can try out Gratitude meditation guided by an awesome nun, Ayya Khema, right here.
Be Present — The Game-Changer
Quality time together requires presence and curiosity. No matter how tired, grumpy or impatient I feel, nothing turns that around and shows my partner that I care more, than by being present.
When I am present, I have the space to appreciate that they are human beings, just like me who are experiencing their life challenges and insecurities. Presence is the key to showing love and gratitude, as it helps to create space and intentions from your actions.
I switch off my smartphone, turn away from the screen, and just listen. Listen with compassion and love by remembering that the words that my loved ones share, convey how they feel, and this is important to me.
Amongst all the chaos of work and life, we mustn’t forget to scatter kindness where it’s most needed.
It takes effort to ensure our loved ones feel like they are the most important people in our lives. While it’s beautiful that they get full access to see us at our worst, it’s not a free pass to treat them worse than we treat a mere stranger or colleague.
By expressing kindness in your relationships, even when you’re venting or airing frustrations, we are paving the way for those close to us to listen and understand us. Kindness gets your needs met.
Wholesome Wednesdays (WW): Bringing you curated positive content on Wednesdays to uplift your hump day.
Home conflicts can be a struggle. What does a Buddhsit monk advice to his followers to do when in such a situation? How can we prevent ourselves from becoming our biggest enemy? Today we explore one Dhamma story and one personal sharing
Mummy is always scolding Dad, what can I do?
Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend.
Mummy is always scolding Dad, what can I do?
Cr: Unsplash
Summary
Ajahn Kalyano, Abbot of Buddha Bodhivana Monastery, answers a question about verbal abuse in the family. He shares some useful tips that a child can undertake to help reduce friction at home. He shares also how we have to see that the abuser is also stuck by their conditions and we can do what is skillful to help them increase that awareness
You’re not going to be able to teach your mother…help her be more aware of what she is doing.
Wise Steps
Can we see the suffering in the person who inflicts harm on our loved ones? Will that change our approach to them?
Contemplate: How can I raise awareness of the harm caused by our loved ones?
Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend.
CR: Lexica
Summary
Peter Attia, a MD focused on longevity science, shares how we can remove negative self talk by imagining our self criticism differently. When we fail, we tend to talk to ourselves negatively and harshly, Peter recommends talking to ourselves in the manner which we would talk to our own best friend. It is amazing how much compassion we show for others and not for ourselves.
I was in tears… It was such a shift of how kind I was being to that person.
Wise Steps
When was the last time you talked kindly to yourself?
Everytime the self critic arises, talk to yourself the way you would talk to a bestfriend who screwed up
TLDR: Being stuck in lockdowns isn’t the best way to start university, but here’s what I have learnt! Studying overseas allowed me to have an open mind and embrace challenges as they came.
“Congratulations! The world is your oyster.”
Like many undergraduates studying abroad, studying overseas was a significant milestone for me. I had many aspirations for personal growth, academic success and ultimately, a successful career.
Though I had many worries about what the future may bring, I knew that it was something I have longed for. I couldn’t contain my excitement as the days approached – the start of my journey in England!
Groups of students were at the airport with their friends and family, but I was alone pushing the airport trolley. It was a familiar yet strange feeling to be at the airport. This time was unlike all previous trips: I felt uneasy and lonely.
This was just the beginning of my journey. It was later filled with moments of unexpectedness. An identity I thought was solid was shown to be transparent.
Here’s what I have learnt during my year abroad:
1. Being at peace with my emotions
Lugging heavy luggage up and downhill, then up a few flights of stairs marked my arrival at college. A physical workout I never expected at a world-class institution.
Then, came my greatest shock: 2 boxes of food that were for half a month of quarantine. Hot meals that I expected to be delivered to my room were merely my wishful thinking.
Instant food and more junk food greeted me as I rummaged through the boxes, only to find out that I was given the same food ration daily.
The reality was vastly different from what I had expected. I was disappointed because I had high expectations of university life. One disappointment after another coupled with homesickness just made things worse.
Being in an unpleasant situation, I learned to slowly acknowledge and accept my emotions. Recognising that emotions were fleeting and impermanent calmed me down. Labelling my emotions made their fleeting nature more obvious.
I was more mindful when unpleasant emotions arose and l grew to be more gentle towards myself. Unhappy times would eventually pass, and so would happy ones.
I started to live in the present and realised I had limited control over the future. We, humans, desire pleasant feelings and want to cling to them, while quickly escaping from unpleasant ones.
Suffering is experienced when things do not go according to our wishes. We feel uneasy and become reactive towards the unfamiliar.
My comfort food was a warm bowl of noodles and not potato chips in the cold weather. I learned to be grateful for the food which provided me with energy instead of viewing it as an unpleasant meal.
“All conditioned phenomena are impermanent; When one sees this with Insight-wisdom, one becomes weary of dukkha (dissatisfaction). This is the path to purity.” Dhammapada Verse 277
2. Learning to slow down
In Singapore, I was used to the fast-paced life where everything has to be done quickly and efficiently. We are always in a rush to complete yet another task.
In England, I began immersing myself in my surroundings and noticed the little things. I took time to enjoy the brilliant colours of the autumn foliage, sheep grazing the field, birds chirping at dawn and dusk and the paw prints of bunnies when winter arrived.
I made so many discoveries when I slowed down to observe.
The little things which I once paid no attention to were the ones I looked forward to each day.
By relaxing my pace of life, I started to appreciate the people, culture and environment. I was slower in jumping to conclusions and was more willing to understand and learn. I was responding and not reacting to different situations
I felt happier and more relaxed by focusing on what I had, rather than worrying about the future.
3. Staying calm in the face of challenges
One of my favourite places to take a walk
Stuck in the middle of a pandemic, I had to do my laundry, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, etc., amidst many assignments and exams. These were previously handled by my parents in Singapore.
Moreover, schoolwork greatly increased in depth and breadth compared to polytechnic. There were much more readings, preparations for seminars, and numerous modules to handle.
Besides, I was studying a subject that was foreign and needed more time to understand the content. The accumulation of the tasks and workload consumed me.
I was experiencing high stress, yet I need to increase my productivity to complete my tasks. Thankfully, I managed to set aside time to find some solutions to get me through these difficult moments. Having exposure to the Dhamma through groups like BFY and NPBS gave me the tools to get through these moments.
– Meditation
Before a study session, I would calm down by doing a short meditation. This was beneficial in decluttering thoughts and giving clarity to focus on tasks.
Day-tight compartments prioritise focusing on the task we have at hand, without being trapped in the past or future.
I would plan out my agenda for the day and break it down into small manageable tasks. Having a plan assures me that I would be able to complete my agendas on time.
During each study session, I would focus on my planned tasks. However, if important stray thoughts arose, I would jot them down and attend to them later.
4. Being appreciative
Being away from my family and friends made me realise their importance and how much I have taken them for granted.
All the little things that I have taken for granted all these years, such as a bowl of home-cooked food or even a short face to face meet-up with my friends and family were the ones I yearned for.
These made me more appreciative of the unconditional care and support that I once took as given. Now that I am back at home, the experience abroad reminds me to spend more quality time with my family and do more for them.
Even though I am currently back in Singapore, studying abroad was one of the most memorable times – wonderful memories and the ones that made me grow.
It made me realise the impermanent nature of things. I was once full of hope for where my educational journey in England would bring me, but ultimately things change, and so do my purposes. This is truly anicca.
Wise Steps:
When an unpleasant situation arises, observe & label the emotions you are feeling and note your reaction to them. What can we do differently the next time it arises?
The next time you’re on your daily commute, take time to observe your surroundings and the greenery that surrounds you.
Identify methods that calm yourself down in the face of adversities (meditation/ taking walks/ day-tight compartments)
Vesak Day, also known as Buddha Day, is a sacred day to millions of Buddhists worldwide. It commemorates the day that Buddha was born, attained enlightenment, and passed away. It gives us an opportunity for quiet reflection on Buddha’s teachings and the values of compassion, wisdom, and kindness.
It has evolved over time and brings different meanings to different people!
After 2 years of muted celebrations due to the pandemic, this year’s May 15 will see practitioners gathering and celebrating it in different ways. If you are trying to plan out your Vesak Day weekend to bask in the spirit of Vesak, check out these 10 things you can do!
1. Plan your calendar for your temple-hopping!
Find an excuse to head out for the long weekend by visiting the many temples that are open. Use our directory to navigate the many online and offline activities. Who knows?
You might find yourself in the middle of a concert or peaceful chanting session.
The three-step, one-bow ceremony is an expression of devotion and serves to lessen mental defilements or build virtue as one goes through the activity. This practice, which symbolically reminds us of the difficult but rewarding journey to enlightenment, has been passed down and has evolved into the 3-Step, 1-Bow we know today.
While tuning in to some peaceful Buddhist teaching (food for the heart), why not check out food for the body?
Check out food fairs organised by Buddhist Fellowship near newton or spicy tteokbokki and takoyaki at KMSPKS’s Vesak Carnival
4. Help fill the stomachs of the needy
Unsplash
In the spirit of Buddha’s compassion shown to many beings, why not give back by volunteering at a Soup kitchen? There are multiple time slots and different tasks you can choose to volunteer with Willing Hearts.
Visit nature places with your insect repellant to reconnect with nature by taking in the good vibes. Plug into the sound of nature to meditate or try one of the meditation audio guides!
We highly recommend botanic gardens, marina barrage, or a nearby park!
6. Be a Buddy to seniors
Credit: IMDA
We often think that giving means the gift of money. This Vesak, we invite you to rethink the idea of generosity! Volunteer with YouthCorp SG & Healthhub to strengthen the digital literacy of our seniors by empowering them and reducing the waiting time at the polyclinics.
In the spirit of non-harming, why not go vegetarian? The possibilities are endless with vegetarian food. Check out this sleek guide to vegetarian food places in Singapore!
Wholesome Wednesdays (WW): Bringing you curated positive content on Wednesdays to uplift your hump day.
As more peers get married, there is sometimes a creeping sense of urgency to find a partner. How should we react to the idea of love? For those in love, how do we maintain our relationship through the tough and easy times?
1. Waiting for someone to ‘supply’ you love? Think again
2. Curiousity may kill the cat…but not your relationship
Waiting for someone to ‘supply’ you love? Think again
Unsplash
What’s going on here
Venerable Tenzin Palmo, a Tibetan Buddhist nun, shares why and how we should rethink the way we approach love. Most people fall in love with the idea of love and not the person. She explains, in under 4 mins, why that is a tricky approach to understanding love.
Why we like it
As we grow through the stages of life and see more friends get married…we may feel the rush to settle down. But Tenzin Palmo reminds us to chill and first understand ourselves. We have to first be fulfilled before ‘chasing’ love.
“They think that the more they hold on to someone, the more that it shows that they care about that. But it is not, they are trying to grasp at something because they are afraid that they themselves might be hurt.”
“Attachment says ‘I love you therefore i want you to make me happy’. Genuine love says ‘I love you and I want you to be happy.’ “
Wise Steps
Reflect on our idea of love. Is it attachment or real love? The more we grasp, the more afraid we are to lose.
Curiousity may kill the cat…but not your relationship
Unsplash: The cat
What’s going on here
@alifecoloredamber, a therapist, shares how we can reshape the way we ask questions in our relationship to build deeper bonds.
Why we like it
This short post reminds us of actionable ways we can interact with our partners. When tough times strike us, we often resort to destructive ways of communication. Amber, the therapist, gives us ways to rewire our communication style.
“Remember, you both come to life with your own subjective experiences, and making assumptions is often damaging.”
Wise Steps
Follow her tips for a happier and more curious relationship!
