TLDR: Discussing funeral arrangements isn’t just about logistics; it’s an opportunity for a deeper connection. Discover how to turn an awkward conversation into a meaningful exchange about life and legacy.
As young Buddhists in Singapore and Malaysia, we often find ourselves caught between tradition and modernity. One area where this tension is particularly evident is in discussing end-of-life matters with our parents.
While it’s a sensitive topic, having open conversations about funeral rites can be both practical and spiritually meaningful.
The Taboo of Death Talk
In many Asian cultures, talking about death is considered inauspicious or even disrespectful. We might worry that bringing up the subject will upset our parents or invite bad luck. This cultural taboo can lead to avoidance, leaving important decisions unmade and potentially causing stress during an already difficult time.
However, as Buddhists, we understand that death is a natural part of life. The Buddha taught that all conditioned things are impermanent, and accepting this truth can bring peace and clarity. By discussing funeral rites openly, we honour our parents’ wishes and ensure that their passing aligns with their spiritual beliefs.
Why It’s Important to Have the Conversation
It’s crucial to have these conversations for several reasons. Firstly, it allows us to respect our parents’ wishes, ensuring their preferences are honoured.
Open communication can also reduce family conflict during an emotionally charged time. Moreover, it enables better financial planning, as funerals can be expensive. I recalled a friend’s ugly family incident when his grandfather passed away.
The family members were debating if he was Buddhist or not and hence, which coffin and rites to do for him. The final outcome? A funeral so watered down that it had little to no semblance of respect for the great man he was. Everyone wanted to be politically correct and not do anything religious. My friend was sure that Ah Kong would have enjoyed some good chanting at his funeral.
From a Dhamma perspective, discussing funeral rites can be part of a broader conversation about mental readiness, which is important in Buddhist practice.
It preps the mind for the inevitable and the Buddha often reminded his disciples to recollect death as often as they could. For it one recollects the ephemeral nature of life, why hold on to anger and regret?
Ultimately, knowing that arrangements are in place can provide peace of mind to both parents and children.
Skillful Ways to Approach the Topic
When approaching this sensitive topic, there are several ways we can try to reach a good conversation and understanding.
1. Choose the right moment: Look for natural openings in conversation, perhaps after attending a funeral or when discussing a relevant news story on the death of someone in their age category. The suddenness of that person’s death can be a good opening.
2. Start with your plans: Share your thoughts about your funeral arrangements. This can make the conversation feel less targeted. You can also share a random auntie’s or friend’s musing about their funerals to also open up on the topic. Delving too much on your funeral plans might make the conventional parent worried about your mental state.
3. Frame it positively: Emphasise that you’re asking because you care and want to honour their wishes. One can liken it to travel planning. “It’s similar to planning an important trip. We wouldn’t embark on a trip without preparation. So why should we approach life’s final journey any differently.” If your mother or father likes cooking you can try “Think of this discussion as creating a family recipe book. We’re preserving important traditions and preferences for future generations.”
4. Be patient: If they’re not ready to talk, don’t push. Let them know you’re open to discussing it when they feel comfortable.
5. Apply Dhamma teachings: Remind them of the Buddha’s words on impermanence and the importance of mindful preparation. Talking about death will not make it come faster. Rather, avoiding talking about it will make us live less fuller.
6. Involve Sangha or spiritual leader: If your parents are more comfortable talking with a religious figure, consider arranging a meeting with a monk or nun or a spiritual leader from their faith.
Key Points to Discuss
When you do have the conversation, here are some important aspects to cover:
1. Type of ceremony: Traditional Buddhist rites, modern adaptations, or a mix?
2. Cremation or sea burial or memorial garden: What’s their preference, and why?
3. Location: Where would they like the ceremony to be held?
4. Specific rituals: Are there particular prayers or practices they’d like included?
5. Personal touches: Any special music, readings, or objects they’d like incorporated?
6. Donations: Would they prefer donations to a temple or charity in lieu of flowers?
7. Post-funeral rites: Discuss preferences for any subsequent ceremonies or memorials.
Making It a Meaningful Conversation
Remember, discussing funeral rites isn’t just about logistics. It’s an opportunity for deeper connection and spiritual reflection.
Use the conversation to share memories, and talk about family history, and cherished moments. Express gratitude for all your parents have done for you.
Explore the beliefs and principles they hope to pass on and let them know you’ll honour their legacy. This is also a chance to learn from their wisdom, so ask about their life experiences and insights.
Conclusion
Breaking the taboo around discussing death and funeral rites is a challenge, but it’s one worth taking on. As young Buddhists, we have the opportunity to blend respect for tradition with practical foresight. By approaching the topic with sensitivity, patience, and an open heart, we can turn a potentially awkward conversation into a meaningful exchange that brings us closer to our parents and deepens our understanding of life’s journey.
Remember, the goal isn’t just to make plans, but to create an atmosphere of openness and acceptance around one of life’s most significant transitions. In doing so, we honour our parents, our cultural heritage, and our Buddhist teachings on mindfulness and impermanence.
P.S. Need help navigating that crucial discussion? Reach out to me for a chat!
Wise Steps:
- Plan your funeral rites first so that you can experience the process yourself.
- Express empathy to let them know you understand this topic is uncomfortable for them, but reassure them that you’ll navigate it together because it leads to a meaningful outcome.
- Parents may answer some, but not all, of the questions, and that’s okay. Sabai sabai…
