TLDR: Being happily married to a non-Buddhist is like dancing to different melodies but moving in perfect harmony. The beats you have to catch: 1) Having no expectations about your partner adopting Buddhism, 2) Focusing on shared values rather than labels, and 3) Practicing compassion and generosity. 4) Be a grateful person

For a bit of context: My husband and I were both agnostic when we started dating in 2014. We remained agnostic when we got married in 2018. Over the last 10 years, we have laughed and made merry. 

Then, in 2023, without warning him to buckle up, I made a sharp right turn onto the Buddhist highway. 

Wednesday nights were suddenly unilaterally reserved for my weekly DAYWA Sits sessions. Most weekends, I would disappear to various DAYWA activities. I even somewhat spontaneously decided to go for a 10-day pilgrimage to India without him. There was a time when I forgot to mention that I would be in Batam for a 3D2N retreat until a few days before the trip when he asked what I was up to over the weekend.

The Expressway to Dhamma?

Not only did I drive onto this Buddhist highway, but I also signalled right and got onto the express lane without checking my blind spots. In my enthusiasm, I perhaps did not consider how he might feel about it. I re-wrote some fundamental tenets of our marital agreement without his consent.

All things considered, is this marriage going to work out in the long run?

I shall not keep you in suspense: I have verified with the aforementioned husband—thankfully, yes, it is. We are still happily married (Phew!).

Firstly, with gratitude, I would like to give credit to the wonderful human being who gave me the privilege of calling my husband, Marc. He has patiently endured these seismic changes with the equanimity of a Buddhist. 

Thus, I humbly present my hypothesis as to why a Buddhist-Non-Buddhist relationship could work out:

1. Have No Expectations

In the beginning, I was all about “good things must be shared.” So, I did my fair share of sharing. But there came a point where he was like, “Thanks, but no thanks.” Naturally, I felt some disappointment. 

I had thoughts like, “I wish Marc was here to experience this with me.” whilst on pilgrimage/retreat. There was a hint of sadness that I couldn’t share something I found important with someone important to me. Dare I say it— the thought, “It would be nice to be married to a fellow practitioner,” did cross my mind. However, with a bit of wisdom, I was able to notice the craving and wanting. I recognized within myself the 2nd Noble Truth: this thirst for a specific outcome would lead to suffering for both of us. And with a dash of insight, I realized I had missed the forest for the trees—I was not practising the path by wanting my partner to be Buddhist too.

Fixating on finding and marrying the “Perfect Buddhist Partner” is actually quite irrelevant to one’s daily practice. 

Basically, it’s like picking out curtains for a house that’s on fire.

Centre on your own practice—reducing your negative mental states and putting out the fires of your own defilements. 

A spiritual partner is not a prerequisite to Nibbana. And I already have plenty of Kalyana Mittas within the DAYWA community. 

2. Focus on Values Without Labels

Those who are single and still looking to mingle – look for wholesomeness and goodness in a potential partner. Lucky for me, my husband happens to be a manifestation of the first two stanzas of the Metta Sutta: 

Able and upright: He is a productive and upstanding citizen.

Straightforward and gentle in speech: He’s always honest but delivers feedback skillfully.

Humble and not conceited: He has no ego.

Content and easily satisfied: He frequently expresses how content he is with our current life.

Unburdened by duties and frugal in his ways: He isn’t caught up in social media or the hustle and bustle of city life. Simple things make him happy.

Peaceful, calm, wise, and skillful: He brings out the best in me and grows alongside me in positive ways, as cheesy as it sounds.

Not proud or demanding in nature: He is a true friend, not a social climber.

Thus, forget the laundry list of looking for a “man in finance, trust fund, 6’5″, blue eyes”. Look for a man “with virtue, generosity, patience, self-awareness, etc”.

 One can’t go too wrong if you yoke yourself to someone who has strong Sila and is full of wholesome qualities.

Better yet, personify the Metta Sutta yourself and get ready to be swept right off your feet. 

3. Have Compassion (Karuna) and Be Generous (Caga)

Your spouse fell in love with a version of you, and they may worry or fear losing that version. This fear can manifest in many ways. Compassion means understanding where their fear and suffering come from and helping to alleviate it. 

We had a conversation where he expressed concern about us spending less quality time together. Therefore, Sunday nights have been designated date nights when we can focus exclusively on one another. I try to ensure he is a priority—not flaking on our plans at the last minute if we’ve already agreed to go somewhere or do something. 

Caga is the quality of the mind-heart that is fundamentally generous—the aspect of freely releasing, relinquishing, and giving with an open hand. I realized I needed to be generous by accommodating to my husband’s level of comfort. It’s not all about me and my practice. 

I want more time to meditate. I want my husband to extend as much patience, generosity and kindness to me as I do him. I want him to stop using TV so I have a peaceful house with no distractions. I want us to go on a retreat together. 

There is no room for selfishness in the practice or a marriage. 

Letting go of certain problematic views (Saññā) and unhelpful narratives (Saṅkhārā) allowed my relationship to return to its healthy equilibrium. When I let go of these subtle expectations I was secretly harbouring against Marc, contentment returned. 3rd Noble Truth – When we give up useless cravings and learn to live each day at a time, enjoying without restless wanting the experiences that life offers us, patiently enduring the problems that life involves without fear, hatred and anger, then we become happy and free.

No need to overthink or overthink. It’s simply a bit of give and take. He doesn’t stop me from attending Dhamma activities; I try to mindfully consume entertainment with him – *cough* Love Island *cough*. I still send him funny memes and reels to make him laugh. I am mindful of balancing conversations about Buddhist teachings with topics we’re both interested in. 

In fact, he’s becoming rather adept at using Buddhist concepts as trump cards. When I start to get annoyed at him for something he did or didn’t do, he says, “Now, now… remember, feelings are just feelings.”

Initially, I was mildly irritated that he’d turn the tables on me, but now I just laugh and appreciate that he is reminding me of the practice. Infusing Caga into one’s marriage is a fantastic way to diffuse unnecessary arguments. I remind myself that the practice should be joyous, not rigid. 

Be generous with your goodness and generously let go of any forms of greed and ill will. I try to be kinder, gentler with my speech, more generous, more forgiving, etc. What spouse would be against these kinds of changes? 

 4. Finding Gratitude in Everyday Moments

These two people are hard to find in the world. Which two? The one who is first to do a kindness, and the one who is grateful and thankful for a kindness done.”

— AN 2.118

I could fixate on everything ‘non-Buddhist’ (mischaracterized as: ‘wrong’) about Marc. Instead, I focus on the positive aspects of our relationship. Marc has been incredibly accommodating, and there’s so much to be grateful for.

While he isn’t particularly drawn to the spiritual aspects of Buddhism, he doesn’t mind when I chant or light incense at home—in fact, he even says he likes the smell.

He has gone with the flow of changes without resentment, aversion or need to control. He often offers words of affirmation, telling me and others how practising the path has made me a better person. I am grateful for all of these things, along with the mundane aspects I appreciate about him.

Concluding Thoughts 

Marc doesn’t quite care or believe in the destination I’m driving towards, but he seems to be enjoying the general direction and journey. 

If already married, rejoice that your imperfect spouse is giving the imperfect you an opportunity to practice. It’s not about finding perfect conditions to practice; it’s about practising perfectly in all conditions.

For those looking to get hitched, hitch your cart to someone wholesome. Someone likely to bring joy, goodness and positivity into your life. If you are to marry a non-Buddhist, marry one who possesses admirable characteristics that a Kalyana Mitta would possess. Looking at the above, I might have actually married an undiagnosed Buddhist.

Wise steps: 

1. Buddhist or not, doesn’t matter; a wholesome partner will do.
2. Don’t get caught up in “wanting” a “perfect” (Buddhist) marriage.
3. Instead, center your attention on your daily, moment-to-moment practice.