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Ep 51: The Most Precious Commodity in Life ft. Sylvia Bay

Ep 51: The Most Precious Commodity in Life ft. Sylvia Bay

by | Oct 23, 2024 | Podcast

Summary

In this captivating podcast episode, Dhamma expert Sister Sylvia offers profound wisdom on navigating the complexities of a chaotic world. From understanding how human instincts drive us to judge others to learning the art of letting go, Sister Sylvia shares practical Buddhist principles for fostering mindfulness and compassion. This conversation is not just about surviving life’s storms—it’s about thriving through deeper self-awareness and spiritual practice. Dive into this episode to discover how to overcome expectations and free yourself from unnecessary suffering.

About the Speaker

Sylvia Bay has been dedicated to the study and practice of Buddha’s teaching since 1992. She graduated with a B.A. (Hons) First Class, in Buddhist Studies, from the Buddhist and Pali University of Sri Lanka in 2000 and joined the teaching staff of the Buddhist and Pali College (Singapore) in 2001. Since 2002, Sylvia has also been a regular speaker on Buddhist doctrine, Buddhist history, and the practical application of the Buddha’s teachings in daily life, at the invitation of various Buddhist organisations in Singapore. She published her first book in May 2014: the 1st volume of a 2-part series on the life of the Buddha which is titled, “Between The Lines: An Analytical Appreciation of Buddha’s Life”. Volume 2 was launched on Vesak day of year 2015. Sylvia also holds a B.Soc.Sci (Hons) from NUS and a Masters in International Public Policy (M.I.P.P) from School of Advanced International Studies (SAIS), Johns Hopkins.

Key Takeaways

Judgment and Instincts:

Sister Sylvia explains how judgment stems from our survival instincts, which often push us into a cycle of assessing others as threats. Understanding and regulating these instincts through mindfulness can help us replace negative reactions with compassion and wisdom.

The Power of Mortality Reflection:

Reflecting on impermanence and death is a powerful tool for aligning with the Dhamma. Recognizing that life is temporary allows us to let go of trivial conflicts and focus on living mindfully with kindness and purpose.

The Role of Mindfulness in Everyday Interactions:

Mindfulness isn’t just about observing the external world but about monitoring our internal reactions—feelings, judgments, and narratives. By mastering this, we can transform negative emotions into positive, constructive responses that benefit both ourselves and those around us.

Transcript

Full Transcript

[00:00:00] Cheryl: Welcome to the Handful of Leaves episode. I am Cheryl. Today our topic is how to deal with an insane world and how to let go of expectations of other people.

I aspire to practice doing good, take the five precepts, avoid evil and purify our minds. How can we practice in such a way that we don’t suffer over our expectations? We will begin with this “Let’s Be Real” question of the day, which is everyone judges, so how can we be less judgy?

The guest is Sister Sylvia, she’s an experienced Dhamma speaker, practitioner and scholar, she has a lot of experience in Dhamma practice. I’m very excited to invite her. Welcome, Sister Sylvia.

[00:00:39] Sis Sylvia: Hello. You have asked a very pertinent question.

If I want to be a Dhamma practitioner, I need to do all the good things and avoid, all the negative, words, conduct. Amongst the many things that I must avoid include being less judging. Being judging is a very natural human instinct.

For the longest time through many lives, we have “survived” and thrived through ignorance. Actually it is because we are ignorant. We, humans, operate very instinctively. Part of our instinct is to protect this person.

I call it number one.

[00:01:23] Cheryl: Number one.

[00:01:23] Sis Sylvia: You protect number one by trying to suss out the threat. And then you deal with threats by either beating them up, pushing them away, or you run away. Fight or flight. That has been the instinct of all living beings.

If we perceive that the threat can be handled by just fighting, the odds are you will fight. Why would you flee? Fighting requires churning of adrenaline. I said all these things about churning of adrenaline, learning to fight people and so on and so forth. It’s really because all of us are underpinned by certain instincts.

We call it (Lobha), Greed, (Dosa), Anger, Delusion, (Mohā). As long as we have (Mohā), Delusion, our instinct is, I see a threat, I will fight you. In my view, judging is part of threat assessment. If you “judge” someone to be no threat, helpful, can serve my interests, you’re still judging. If you perceive that way, you are inclined to lean closer to that person.

If you perceive that this is someone who can threaten your interests, cause you displeasure, pain, inconvenience, then you are judging. You will judge critically. You will say, I don’t like this person. And then in your mind, you cite all the negative “behavior” to justify your feelings.

But your feelings are all about what you perceive to be a threat.

You want to learn not to “judge” critically. You will judge, but you try to judge not critically in a way that triggers your anger, your greed. You want to assess in that way. In my mind, you will need to have a very steady, almost instinctive arising of mindfulness.

[00:03:30] Cheryl: Can you explain to me the difference between perceiving, judging, and judging critically?

[00:03:37] Sis Sylvia: Perceiving is natural because the word perceiving means I “recognize” something. I label, I know what it is. That is part of perception.

In Pali, we call it (Sañña). Any data processed through your sense bases, sitting on learned memory. So your sight, your hearing, somebody’s voice, sound, what I smell, taste, touch, and of course there is mind.

But any of these data process through your sense bases, you recognize, you know, you label it. That is perception. It is a function of the mind. That’s all. It enables you to recognize what’s there. You recognize it. Once you recognize, you must decide what to do with it. It’s a mechanical thing. When you recognize, because it sits on learned memory, the memory you had of whatever is pleasant. You recognize it, delight will arise.

[00:04:49] Cheryl: Naturally.

[00:04:51] Sis Sylvia: Naturally. It is natural because it literally sits on learned memory, otherwise you won’t recognize it.

Anyone, born after the smart devices come into play, you’re born after that, you live your world through that, you will not know how to use a dial phone. You look at a dial, the rotary phone, you won’t know what to do with it.

You will see numbers and you say, what is this about?

In fact, the other day I saw a little TikTok thing where the father was trying to tell the the daughter. “Use it. Call this number.”

The daughter doesn’t know, she doesn’t recognize it.

In her memory, there isn’t such a device. If you had not had an experience with something, you won’t recognize it? In your perception, there’s nothing there. Now that is perception. In the perception, there will be feelings, feelings and perception come together.

In the arising, the perception you recognize, then there is a strong feeling, strong pleasant, strong painful, unpleasant. If it’s neutral, you will not remember, but if it’s strong pleasant or strong painful, you will remember, and then you will store it as good or bad, desirable, not desirable.

I want more of this. Or I don’t want that. All this will come with it. So when you look at something, immediately, instinctively, undesirable, I don’t like it, this must go away. Then you’re judging critically. That’s when you’re critical.

When you are “judging”, “assessing”, is this to my benefit or not? How does this help me or not? Or is it going to be harmful? That instinct is natural. You want this instinct to stop or halt or not be so quick. You need to have mindfulness. The mindfulness is not about outside. It’s about inside.

Mindful of your feeling, mindful of how your mind leaps to conclusion, mindful of how your mind wants to make decision, wants to react, mindful of that part, not mindful of what is out there. I’m mindfully looking at this person walking. No, no, it’s not that. It’s mindfully looking at your mind and your feeling and your commentary on what’s going on out there.

Stop being critical, stop” judging” negatively with anger. You have to watch your feeling, you have to see that it is detached and so it is neutral. The feeling is neutral. There is no arising of strong feelings. You just watch it.

You’re mindfully watching how the feeling stays neutral. If there is an arising of unpleasant, you don’t go look at the object out there. You look at the feeling and look at perception. Why is it unpleasant? If you can, because you’re mindful, you will switch it to wholesome, to compassion.

This is changing your own narratives because when you see something unpleasant, the instinct is to judge harshly, to say, this fellow is not nice. He’s being mean. He’s being cruel.

Your anger will engage because fight or flight. It is a human instinct, but you don’t want that to happen. You want to be of help, you have to change the narrative into something positive. Mindfulness enables you to turn it into something positive, more constructive. You will say to yourself, “This person has a bad day. This person is in a lot of pain. I don’t want to add to his pain. I engage him, there will be pain all around. Anger all around. I don’t want to do that.” One way of talking is using mindfulness.

You can use any of the wholesome mental states, but you must convert it. You must convert to a wholesome mental state. You can convert using patience, Metta, faith.

The Buddha’s Dhamma says to always extend friendliness, to not give in to this anger and agitation. The Buddha remind us that we will live and die. Everything is impermanent. Mortality is real. So when you have this kind of reflection, you are able to remind yourself, keep cool, keep detached, don’t get engaged.

Mortality is very powerful and this one is using wisdom and faith. Why this is wisdom and faith?

If I believe in the Dhamma, I want to call myself his disciple. I totally say I am his disciple.

If you want your teacher to be proud of you, you cannot just give in to your craziness. Your teacher will be proud of you if he knows that you have tried your best to practice in accordance with his Dhamma. His Dhamma says avoid evil, do good, purify mind.

Then you say, okay, I must purify my mind. I will not react. That is through faith.

Through wisdom, the teacher says that you need to keep reflecting on mortality, impermanence. I will grow old, I will fall sick, I will die, and I will be separated from the people I love. The only thing I bring along is my Kamma.

Your daily reflection will change, it will start to shift your instinct.

[00:10:27] Sis Sylvia: Think about yourself having been diagnosed with end stage cancer.

If you’re in that state, you think you’ll be petty? You think you’ll fight back?

[00:10:36] Cheryl: No, because I could die any moment.

[00:10:39] Sis Sylvia: You will die any moment. The Buddha himself said, it’s very powerful. It will be of great benefit to you if you do this five reflections.

You will reflect on the five themes. You go to bed, you say thank you for one more day of life. If tomorrow I wake up, I will remember to honor the Buddha by doing good, by walking the Dhamma path. Therefore, leaning towards wholesome, leaning away from unwholesome.

It’s a reminder.

A human is wholesome. It’s because of wholesomeness that got you a human rebirth.

[00:11:17] Cheryl: But why are there so many humans who are unwholesome?

[00:11:20] Sis Sylvia: When they come into this world, they’re okay.

But over time, because of ignorance, they learn all the wrong things. They are told by the conditions around them that “You should stand up for your right.” Isn’t that what we’ve been told?

“You do not become a softy because people will bully you.” Isn’t that what we are told? Some of us will be taught, if people push you, you must push back.

You have wrong teaching around you, perpetuated by people who care for you, unfortunately. Because they care for you, they say they don’t want to see you being bullied. So their advice to you is, “Stand up for your right. Fight back.”.

I am not saying you be a wimp. I’m saying you hold the mental states and not respond.

[00:12:16] Cheryl: Can I share an example on why I think that it’s very difficult. I see my parents getting very angry. Let’s say they have the tendency to want to fight back with the neighbor, a lot of anger, a lot of hatred because they believe that’s the way to win and be strong in life.

For me, the frustration would arise because my intention is to be helpful. But then whatever that I try to teach them, it goes way past their heads.

[00:12:41] Sis Sylvia: You don’t teach.

I am serious, you don’t teach.

[00:12:43] Cheryl: Is that loving them? You let them suffer?

[00:12:46] Sis Sylvia: You don’t try and share Dhamma when a person is not ready to hear, we don’t go around and try and get another to hear us.

When you try to get someone to change, you have wanting. Therefore you are in pain. The Four Noble Truths, when you have desires, you will have (Dukkha) suffering. If you have acceptance, you will experience the cessation of (Dukkha).

We suffer because we want them to change. You don’t have to want them to change. You just have to stand by your money in case you go to pay indemnity.

In order for character change to happen, you need five conditions. And this one not said by the Buddha. I just tell you the five conditions from worldly experience. But I’m sure the Buddha will approve.

[00:13:45] Sis Sylvia: Condition one, is you must have self awareness. You don’t think you have done anything wrong. Nothing is going to work. There must be a recognition there is a problem. You recognize it. Some people recognize it, don’t want to do anything. Finish. Game’s over.

You recognize there’s a problem. You want to fix that problem. There must be a will, a desire to fix the problem. You must know the steps to fixing the problem. Then you must put in effort to fix the problem. Imagine a case, where I have self awareness. I know there’s a problem. I want to go and fix it. But I’m very lazy. I also don’t know how to do it. Nothing happens.

If I say I got a problem, I want to go and fix it, I’m going to work very hard. But I have no self awareness. I don’t know what that problem is. I already know that I think I got a problem because people don’t like me. It must be a problem. But I don’t know what it is.

Self awareness, meaning you know what is your problem. You know what you must fix. Then you want to do something about it. You want to.

I got anger management issue. I go and sign up for anger management courses. They teach you the steps. Then you learn very hard. Then you try. And that’s some days you fumble and then you give up. So the will must come in.

What’s the fifth one?

I’d say there are five, right? The fifth one is you have someone to cheer you on.

That (Kalyāṇa-mitta).

Because humans are social creatures. They can be changed for the positive, beneficial, or they can be flipped the other way. If they’re very strong will, and they have very strong moral compass, you cannot shift them. But if their will is not very strong, not very strong moral compass, a bit flimsy, a bit scary and then it will shift.

If they didn’t think they’ve done anything wrong, game’s over. You try and change them. They are going to get angry with you. You might as well just sit down there and as I said, get your money ready in case you got to pay indemnity.

Then you say, well, then what can I do? How can I help? You help by walking the path and becoming a happier successful person.

[00:16:05] Cheryl: That is a long term thing though. Like how does it help the problem?

[00:16:09] Sis Sylvia: The immediate problem will take time to solve. Now let me explain why you must be the representative of the teaching.

At some point they will realize that they are in trouble. When that will happen depends on their own wisdom. Their own awakening. When they realize that they have a problem, they will look around for a solution. If you are successful, because our material base lay world applauds success.

If you are a lay person, you want to share the Dhamma.

But people around you say that you don’t have education or your education not very high, can’t really speak very well, you get people very confused by what you’re saying. But you’re actually not bad. You’re very wholesome. They might like you as a person. They ‘re not gonna learn from you. Especially if you perceive that you’re not very successful, they won’t want to learn from you because you’re a lay person.

If you’re a Sangha, what kind of teacher you want to follow?

[00:17:14] Cheryl: Enlightened teacher.

[00:17:16] Sis Sylvia: Enlightened teacher, because the definition of success is a calm, peaceful, serene, light hearted person.

He must have got it right. This one very good. Look at how calm he is. How light he walks. Oh, I like it. But he’s Sangha.

If you’re a layperson, you try to work hard to provide for your family and all, but people find out that you’re in debt half the time.

They will still label you as not very successful. Then you have to tell them to, avoid evil, do good. Avoid evil, do good. purify your mind, but who are you to tell me? You can’t even get your act together.

You can’t even get your life together.

[00:17:56] Cheryl: Element of respect towards a lay teacher is very important.

[00:18:02] Sis Sylvia: Respect is an extremely important condition for learning. I will learn from you if I respect you. I must respect you for various things.

One is for your knowledge. Two, I must believe that you choose to walk away from wealth and material success. Even as a lay teacher, you are not poor because you fail in your profession. You lead a simple life by choice. I’ll respect you.

Humans are very judging, unfortunately. We will use all kinds of benchmarks to gauge as proxy gauge to our calculation of whether or not so and so is worthy of me following them. I’m not saying I am like this. I’m just saying that humans think like that. The Buddha said, the three kinds of people in the world, right? The fully blind, the full sighted, and the one eyed.

What is blind? You are dismal failure in your material, secular lay life. You’re dismal failure, and spiritually you have nothing. You’re blind.

[00:19:17] Sis Sylvia: If you are a roaring success in your secular life. So materially you earn a lot, buy a house, buy a car, but spiritually you run on an empty tank. Buddha said is one eye.

What is fully sighted? Full sighted. Two eyes. You’re both successful in your material secular life and spiritually you are also doing good. That’s full sighted. So you stay in a lay life. It is okay to earn a good living, provide wealth for your family and have some of the trappings of a successfully lay life.

It’s perfectly okay. Just make sure that how you earn your living didn’t cause hurt and harm to another.

[00:20:08] Cheryl: I think there are a lot of one-sighted people at the workspace. What can we do to maintain our integrity and stay steadfast in our values in environments where even the dishonest behaviors are not only prevalent, but also encouraged?

[00:20:28] Sis Sylvia: One very wrong assumption is that, You have to break precepts, like you have to tell a lie, you have to compromise on your values and principles to secure your success.

I consider that a wrong assumption, totally wrong. Let me ask you this. You have a business deal with somebody. He makes you good money, but then you found out that he cheated you. You’re going to do business with him?

[00:21:02] Cheryl: Not anymore.

[00:21:04] Sis Sylvia: Not anymore, right? The odds are a lot of people would like, I find out you cheat. I’m not going near you. And you’re going to tell people that there will be someone who will like make sure that he is caught.

Now let’s say he didn’t cheat you. But you found out that he’s a womanizer or she is unfaithful in marriage. There will be a part of you that says, he hasn’t done me any wrong, but I really don’t trust him now. So that will affect his business, right? Social standing. He’s a doctor, a lawyer, a professional.

He either siphoned some money. Or worst, all he did was caught with drunk driving, then he flashed all over the newspaper. Can you imagine how all of these is going to end up in the social media, into the newspaper, everybody having a view.

Your reputation as an honest man, you can earn less, but your principle, actually stands you in very good state.

[00:22:02] Cheryl: Why is it so common that everyone lies in the workplace?

[00:22:06] Sis Sylvia: Not common. People may or may not lie outright, but they will fudge the truth. They make it murky. The reason why people do that is either because it usually for an honest man to suddenly tell one lie, it has to do with fear. The fear can be very simple. This inconvenience, I don’t know how to deal with it, I don’t know what to say. Then it’s easier to make it vague. Because we fear, you’re afraid being scolded. You’re afraid of people telling you off, you fear losing the business.

That is fear. If you are honest, you treat people fairly and you are candid in the way that you explain things. People trust you. And once there is that trust, then you will find many doors open. Many people want to do business with you, want to engage you, want to deal with you because they know they can trust you.

Trust is extremely precious commodity. That’s the one that gets you that extra mile ahead. Not the conniving and maneuvering, playing games, fudging troops. Those are the things when you are found out, that’s it, you know. Your reputation is over. Even if it’s a very small thing, people will talk.

If you have a reputation of being fair minded, an honest broker, frank and sincere in your dealings, respectful and considerate.

He will suffer some losses, but he’s prepared to do that. This kind of people will have a very good standing. The Buddha will call it, in an assembly, he is respected. And it may be slow, but steadily, he will gain his ground. I’m very confident about this.

[00:24:11] Cheryl: Contemplate on the benefits of keeping to our five precepts, the long term benefits, in terms of this life and the next life as well.

And to really think about the drawbacks of not keeping your precepts and what happens like when your lies or your misconduct gets out in the open.

[00:24:30] Sis Sylvia: To me, five precepts is the lowest bar possible. Because five precepts in the traditional rendition of it, right, I undertake to observe, uphold, hold on to the precept of not taking life.

I undertake to observe precepts of not taking things not given. And this is all the, I will not do this wrong thing. To me as a very low bar, minimal bar, actually it should go into the flip side. I not only not take life, I will uphold, I will look after, I will protect, I will support life.

Not only it’s not about taking, it’s also about giving, being generous. It’s not just about sexual misconduct, abstaining from it, but it is to honour, respect relationship. Keeping your promises. It’s about speaking truth, being honest, in and out, in means inside here you are upright.

You’re telling yourself the truth because this one is very powerful because the practice is about seeing reality as it is, which means the mind needs to straight away the fuzziness, all those illusions and delusions of life. You’ve got to cut the natural instincts of the mind to overlook truth.

We always talk about reality as it is, but what does that mean? Seeing the impermanence of the aggregates, the (Dukkha), the suffering, seeing the (Anattā), soullessness or substance-lessness of the aggregates and the sense bases.

We go to bed at night, assuming we will wake up tomorrow. Correct.

[00:26:31] Cheryl: Yes.

[00:26:32] Sis Sylvia: Who goes to bed saying tomorrow I will be dead?

[00:26:33] Cheryl: Nobody.

[00:26:34] Sis Sylvia: One night. This is only one night which means you won’t die. Every night you go to bed, assuming you will live through, you wake up tomorrow and you live through the day.

You have this built in instinct that life is permanent. Hypothetically, you will die, but not yet. The built in instinct is you don’t see mortality. It’s a given and we are blind to it. Why is this so important? Why must you see mortality? To see mortality is to truly appreciate (Dukkha).

I already said, if you have been diagnosed with end stage cancer, you will live with death in your face, day in day out. And so therefore it is painful. Because we don’t live with death in our face because we live in delusion of immortality. Life. We can plan, we can hope, we can dream, no pain.

You take away hope, you take away dream, you take away plan. You’re only staring at death, pain. That’s why the Buddha said, if it is impermanent, is it painful or is it pleasant? You will say Painful, right? We live life blinded by dreams, blinded by hopes and ambitions. We’re blinded.

We don’t see death. You don’t see death, you can dream, you can hope, you can plan for your holiday next time, next month down the line, et cetera. Because of that, by thinking about the plan, you’re happy. So your happiness, your joy, your delight sits on plan, dreams, hopes. If death is in your face, where are the dreams and hopes and faith?

[00:28:27] Cheryl: And because we will lose everything. And because we will lose everything with death. There’s nothing that we can really bring along with us except our (Kamma) and merits.

[00:28:38] Sis Sylvia: Except your (Kamma) and your merits.

Two straightforward, simple thing, simple drivers the average person don’t think about it. They don’t see it. They live life oblivious to these two. So when I say see reality as it is. When the Buddha said there, right? (Yathā-bhūta-ñāṇa-dassana) is nothing to do with some mystical reality.

This is the reality.

[00:29:03] Cheryl: With that, we can end this episode. For our listeners, if you enjoy this episode, please give us a five stars rating, that will really help boost our viewership and listenership. We’ll see you in the next episode. Thank you and stay happy and wise.

Special thanks to our sponsors:

Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña, Shuo Mei, Arif, Bernice, Wee Teck, Andrew Yam, Kan Rong Hui, Wei Li Quek, Shirley Shen, Ezra, Joanne Chan, Hsien Li Siaw, Gillian Ang, Wang Shiow Mei, Ong Chye Chye, Melvin, Yoke Kuen

Editor and transcriber of this episode:

Cheryl Cheah, Bernice Bay, Eng Yean Khai, Tan Si Jing

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“Knowing the difference between solitude & loneliness”: A letter to my depressed 18-year-old self

“Knowing the difference between solitude & loneliness”: A letter to my depressed 18-year-old self

by | Sep 11, 2024 | Emotional-mastery, Read, Wellbeing

TL;DR: A heartfelt letter addresses the universal experience of loneliness, especially in social settings. This offers comfort through Buddhist teachings and modern research, emphasizing the importance of self-connection, mindfulness, and the distinction between loneliness and solitude. The letter concludes with three wise steps to cultivate inner peace and meaningful relationships.

Dear 18-year-old Self,

I see you. I see the weight of expectations pressing down on your shoulders, and the relentless need to have everything figured out. 

This pressure, this constant striving to meet your own and others’ expectations, has led you to a place of aimlessness and doubt. You feel lost when your goals remain unmet, and in these moments, loneliness wraps around you like a cold, unforgiving cloak.

Utterly Alone

I vividly remember that night in your university dorm room. The sounds of laughter and chatter filtered through the thin walls as your classmates gathered in the common area. You sat on your bed, laptop open but forgotten, staring at the door. You were surrounded by people and even friends, and yet you felt utterly alone.

You considered joining them. After all, wasn’t that what college was supposed to be about? Making friends, having fun, creating memories. But the thought of stepping into that room filled you with dread.

You knew you’d paste on a smile, laugh at the right moments, and make the appropriate small talk. But beneath it all, you’d still feel that gnawing emptiness, that disconnect. 

It wasn’t that your classmates were unkind or unwelcoming. They were good people, and on the surface, you got along well. But something was missing. The conversations never seemed to go beyond the superficial – classes, campus gossip, weekend plans. 

Something Deeper

You yearned for deeper connections, for conversations that would challenge your thoughts and stimulate your mind. You craved authenticity in a world that seemed content with the shallow and fleeting. You wanted to be understood. 

At that moment, the loneliness felt almost palpable. You could reach out and touch it, a barrier between you and the world outside your door.

You wondered if something was wrong with you. Why couldn’t you just be satisfied with what everyone else seemed to enjoy? 

Why did you always feel like you were on the outside looking in, even when you were right in the middle of things?

This experience, my dear self, is a poignant reminder that loneliness isn’t about physical isolation. It’s about emotional and intellectual connection. You can be in a room full of people and still feel profoundly alone if those connections are missing.

You aren’t alone in feeling lonely

But here’s what I want you to remember: this feeling, as isolating as it is, is more common than you think. Many others in that very room probably felt the same way, hiding behind their own masks of casual cheerfulness. 

The Buddhist teaching of dukkha reminds us that dissatisfaction and a sense of discontent are universal human experiences. As you navigate these feelings, consider also the words of the late Zen monk, Thich Nhat Hanh: “Loneliness is the ill-being of our time. We are lonely together.”

In the Samyutta Nikaya (SN 56.11), the Buddha teaches about suffering as a noble truth. He explains that being separated from what is pleasing and being united with what is unpleasing are forms of suffering. 

Your experience in that dorm room – being physically close to others but emotionally distant – is a modern manifestation of this ancient wisdom.

Loneliness & solitude

"Knowing the difference between solitude & loneliness": A letter to my depressed 18-year-old self

The funny thing that I’ve learnt over the years is that loneliness and solitude are not the same. It’s not how many people you try to fill your hours with, or the achievements, or social status that matters. Loneliness is a state of feeling disconnected. 

Solitude, however, is a chosen state of being alone, where you can find empowerment and contentment in your own company. This distinction is critical, as psychologist Netta Weinstein’s research highlights. 

This experience of loneliness, painful as it was, was also an invitation. An invitation to look inward, to understand yourself better, and to seek out the kinds of connections that truly nourish yourself. 

Her studies show that solitude can be a source of empowerment and positivity, whereas feelings of disconnection and sadness mark loneliness, and according to the US Surgeon General’s Report, it increases the risk of premature death by 50%, akin to the dangers of smoking (Rest in peace, Uncle Cheong. 12 cigs a day didn’t make you live till 90.)

It was a catalyst for growth, pushing you to explore what friendship and connection really mean to you, and more importantly, learning to find “home – a place within where you feel warm, comfortable, safe, fulfilled.” 

Going Home

"Knowing the difference between solitude & loneliness": A letter to my depressed 18-year-old self

This concept of “going home” is central to addressing loneliness. Thich Nhat Hanh teaches that “going home” means returning to the island of self through mindful breathing, sitting and walking. 

Within a few seconds, you connect with yourself. You know what is going on: what is going on in your body, what is going on in your feelings and your emotions, what is going on in your perceptions, and so on. He further explains, “By sitting down, you stop that state of being: losing yourself, not being yourself. 

Everyday you rush through life, going from one class to another, without really knowing what’s happening. Physically, you are there, but you do not know that you are there. You are alive, but it’s almost as though you do not know you are alive. And that is happening almost all day long. 

And when you sit down, you connect to yourself.” Every time we sit down on a cushion, we do so to connect with ourselves. Sitting down is an act of revolution, it is the way to heal ourselves and the collective loneliness of our society.

Your journey through loneliness is not just a personal struggle; it’s part of the greater human experience. By facing it with courage and compassion, you’re not only working towards your own healing but contributing to a more connected and compassionate world.

May you be free from suffering. May you find peace. May you know that even in your loneliest moments, you are part of something greater – there is a future ahead of you, where you will walk in solitude on a beautiful Sunday evening, taking in the sights and sounds of a lovely garden, feeling fully content, joyous and peaceful. I promise you these dark days will be over.  

I shall leave you with this final reflection: How can you connect with another person when you cannot connect with yourself?

With deep love,

Your Wiser Self (10 years later)

3 Wise Steps for anyone struggling with loneliness:

1. Practice Daily Mindfulness: Set aside time each day for mindful breathing or walking. This will help you connect with yourself and find peace within.

2. Embrace ‘solitude crafting’—intentionally planning fulfilling alone time. Use alone time for self-discovery and personal growth. Engage in activities that nurture your mind and body. Cultivate Authentic Connections: Seek out relationships that allow for deeper, more meaningful interactions. Quality matters more than quantity.

3. Seek Professional Help: If loneliness persists and impacts your well-being, consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counsellor. They can provide support and strategies to navigate through these challenging feelings.

How is mindfulness sustained effortlessly?

How is mindfulness sustained effortlessly?

by | Aug 2, 2024 | Mindfulness & Meditation, Read

This article is the final part of two instalments, edited from Sister Sylvia Bay’s Dhamma talk for the Global Buddhist Conference in December 2023. Part I can be found here

TLDR: Having discussed the challenges of sustaining mindfulness, Sister Sylvia explores two key conditions to cultivate continuous mindfulness: contentment and kusala (Pali translated as ‘skillful’) mind states.

Mindfulness is a mental state, no different from those you are more familiar with such as anger, pride, fear, worry, joy, faith, gratitude, compassion and so on. 

Like all mental states, it will arise in the presence of the right and necessary conditions.

“When this exists, that comes to be; with the arising of this, that arises. When this does not exist, that does not come to be; with the cessation of this, that ceases.” (SN 12.62 Uninstructed). 

What does this verse mean? The presence of mental conditions will lead to other mental states arising.

If I ask you to feel fear right now, you may not be able to do it. 

Because you are surrounded by people, in bright lighting and loud noises. The ‘necessary’ conditions for fear to arise are simply not there.

Perhaps you can still trigger some fear if you successfully ‘talk’ and convince yourself that something is frightening here. But even then, whatever smidgeon of fear you can summon with herculean effort will not last.

So what are the essential conditions for our mind to stay mindful?

Let’s flip it around and ask ourselves a different question, ‘what are the things that cause us to be so distracted?’ It goes back to what we had earlier said: kāma, bhava, vibhava taṇhā (craving for stimuli of the external and internal world).

Therefore, it makes sense that a key and necessary condition for mindfulness to arise with spontaneity and ease, must be some kind of ‘withdrawal’ from the shiny, busy, colourful world. 

I’m not talking about becoming a hermit and retreating to the high mountains or the deep forests. That is escapism and may not work if your mind still has a yearning (remember bhava/vibhava taṇhā).

I’m talking about moderation and contentment. We can’t be mindful of here and now, or of just being, when the mind is full of ‘stuff’. 

What stuff? The ‘stuff’ out there and the thoughts we construct. As long as we keep allowing ourselves to just indulge, enjoy, give free reign to desires and chasing, we are feeding the subconscious habit of craving. 

The more craving we have, the more thought construction there will be, and the more elusive is mindfulness. Just look at our own thoughts. They are all driven mostly by shades of desire and craving.

Moderation and contentment will mean much less thought constructions. Therefore, if we are serious about cultivating mindfulness, we must learn to make do and be more easily content. 

As Buddha had taught, learn to observe “body, feelings, mind and Dhamma” “keen, aware, and mindful, (and) rid of covetousness and displeasure for the world.” (AN 4.274)

We learn not to hanker after or seek solace in external sensuous objects: our handphones, personal electronic devices, music, computer games, and food. We learn to trim our to-do lists.

Learn not to keep filling our life with activities. Learn not to need constant company and chit-chats. Learn to be comfortable with solitude and quiet alone time. Learn to be comfortable doing nothing. 

I am not talking about being a couch potato and while away time fermenting in front of the TV, binging away. I really do mean not doing anything and just being aware, mindful of the body, breathing, and being content.

Another condition helpful for effortless mindfulness is presence of kusala (wholesome/skilful) mental states.

 The regular mind is typically filled with the more akusala (unwholesome/unskilful) types of mental states, underpinned essentially by lobha (greed) and/or dosa (anger). [We shall set aside moha (delusion) because it is less in your face so we are usually not as aware of their disruptive impact.]

Akusala mental states are powerfully gripping and trigger strong emotions which make experiences memorable and unforgettable.

Lobha is insidious: while less intense than dosa, its effects are lingering. You try forgetting that delicious plate of char kway teow. The unpleasant sensation of longing may be mild, but it’s persistent. It’s like a mild itch in your heart that constantly annoys and won’t go away.

Dosa is emotionally more impactful and hugely unpleasant but once it hits a high, the diminishing effects are obvious. As long as you don’t inject fresh narratives to fuel the anger, high emotions will fade. 

Nonetheless, once your mind is seized by these two mental drivers, equanimity and mindfulness are lost.

In contrast, kusala mental states are very pleasant, calming, steady, and settling. All kusala mental states will yield some measure of mindfulness. The stronger the kusala mental states, the steadier and more settled the mind. 

What are some of these supportive kusala mental states?

Faith – relatively easy to cultivate with a simple ‘ritual’ performed with understanding and mindfulness. 

Contentment and gratitude – both mental states are symbiotically intertwined. When one is content, one feels grateful. With gratitude, one feels joy. 

Other kusala mental states include kindness and compassion, love, friendliness, generosity, and so on. 

All powerful kusala mental states will trigger the release of wonderful feel-good neurochemicals such as dopamine, serotonin, endorphin and oxytocin that actually help with settling the mind and boosting mindfulness.

Wise Steps:

  1. To experience effortless mindfulness in daily life will require fundamental shifts in our habits and choices. 
  1. We must learn to moderate desires, become more easily content, become kinder, be more giving, be warmer and nicer
  2. When the 2Bs (be content, be kusala) are a natural part of you, your mind will settle into a general sense of effortless mindfulness.
Why Is Mindfulness So Hard?

Why Is Mindfulness So Hard?

by | Jul 31, 2024 | Mindfulness & Meditation, Read

Editor’s Note: This article is the first part of two instalments, edited from Sister Sylvia Bay’s Dhamma talk for the Global Buddhist Conference in December 2023.

TLDR: Mindfulness is an elusive aspect of Buddhist practice that many beginners find it hard to nail. Sister Sylvia acknowledges the challenges and offers three explanations on its impediments.

Arousing mindfulness in itself is not that difficult. Most of us, even when we were new to it, probably would not have much difficulty. The challenge, if any, is sustaining mindfulness. 

In this article, my reference to mindfulness is both the practice of mindfulness in a dedicated meditation sitting as well as mindfulness in daily life.

The Difficulty of Mindfulness

First, mindfulness in a meditation sitting: we sit, and focus our attention on a meditation object e.g., breathing. We settle mindful attention on the breathing. Mere moments later, attention drifts.

We will try again. Focus. 

Bring mindfulness to the breathing and again, attention drifts. 

Random thoughts intrude. Sounds beckon. 

We experience bodily discomfort. Mindful attention just does not stay put. Sounds familiar? Should this persist, we will feel discouraged and demoralised. 

The more we try, the more dukkha we feel. A ‘meditation’ sitting becomes a vicious cycle of aspirational hope, valiant effort, disappointment, dejection, maybe apprehension (about sitting again), even aversion. 

We may even give up and we have regrets.

Next, mindfulness in daily life – that is even harder. 

We may experience sporadic and periodic momentary mindfulness in daily life: five minutes here, six minutes there. 

Unfortunately, for the most times, it’s just that, sporadic and periodic.

Why is mindfulness so hard?

I offer three explanations. You may have your own unique circumstances, but the following are the generic ones.

1) Mindfulness is not a habit for the mind to stay put 

Our regular mind is easily distracted. I suspect this tendency is genetic. It is programmed into our genes to make sure that humans survive as a species and proliferate. Our genes are not particular whether or not we are happy but we must live on and multiply. 

So subconsciously, we are constantly on the lookout for ‘danger’. We may no longer be living in a dangerous world, but our genes are still stuck in primeval times. (That’s why we are still afraid of the dark and we are easily startled by loud and sudden unexplained sounds.) 

Subconsciously, we are sensitive to perceived ‘threats’ and are primed for fight or flight. 

The question is what are these threats in our time and space? 

Here in Singapore, a modern, economically advanced, stable, secure and peaceful land, where is the threat?

‘Threats’ are perceived. They may or may not be real but if your mind says they are there, they are.

In our world, ‘threats’ are anything that we perceive might diminish our pleasure, eat into our resources (time, money, space), and undermine our sense of well-being. At the same time, we are also on the perpetual lookout for ‘gains’, for the opportunity to consume, improve and enjoy more.

Hence, our mind could not stay put for long. It must constantly guard against threats (unpleasant and/or painful experiences) and seek out opportunities (for pleasurable and pleasant experiences). 

Mind will flitter from sensual objects to sensual objects in the external world, drawn or repelled by sights, sounds, smell, tastes and touch. Then it drifts inwards to review, replay, plan and construct. 

This random zig-zagging and flipping-flopping between worlds is incessant. While seemingly draining, this is what keeps us alive and going, beyond death, into the next birth. This is saṃsāra.

This is the habitual reality of our regular, untrained and uninstructed mind. 

Some of us are so used to it that we cannot even begin to conceive how a mind can stop zipping and settle quietly into the present, content with the here and now.

2) Too many desires 

Now,  the first explanation and the second are not the same. 1 is genetic. 2 is conditional arising and habits built over time.

Most of us have consciously or subconsciously developed and nurtured a constant stream of unrelenting wants and desires. We have an enormous appetite. Every new delightful or painful experience feeds desires and breeds more wants. 

The Buddha had broadly categorised the world’s vast spread of infinite desires into kāma taṇhā (craving for sensual pleasures), bhava taṇhā (craving for becoming) and vibhava taṇhā (craving for non-becoming).

Kāma taṇhā is the craving for the world of pleasurable senses (i.e., world without pain and unpleasantry): beautiful sights, alluring sounds, mesmerising scents, mouth-watering tastes, comforting and soothing touches.

Bhava (becoming) and vibhava (non/not becoming) taṇhā – they refer to our internal mind-made world: the mental constructs of the past and plans for the future. 

When we want to relive an experience, it is bhava taṇhā. When we want not to relive an experience or in extreme and rare cases when we wish for life to end, it is vibhava taṇhā. Our world within can be even more ‘real’, more convincing, more gripping than the world without.

All these taṇhā are intensely distracting. 

The Mind cannot settle and mindfulness cannot arise when our mental cauldron is bubbling with desires. 

The more intense the desire, the hotter the cauldron boils and churns. The more crowded that cauldron, the more clouded the mind. How can the mind settle? Mindfulness does not stand a chance.

3) ‘Wrong ditthi’ (View)

This third explanation on the topic is about lacking correct knowledge of how the mind works and how mindfulness arises. 

Many of us hold assumptions about what is ‘correct’ mindfulness practice. We may think that our struggle is about insufficient practice, not enough experience or not knowing the right steps to trigger mindfulness. 

Let’s explore two of the more common wrong views.

a. A common wrong view is we do not have enough practice and/or experience.

If we think our problem is this, our ‘solution’ is likely to be to ‘sit more, sit often, sit longer’.

We grit our teeth and force the mind to stay put on the object of focus. If the mind persists in drifting, we double down on concentration effort and maybe smack the mind a bit to force compliance. Stay up the night, if necessary. Sit on a hard floor with no back support.

Is this assumption correct? Well, yes and no.

Yes: certainly developing a daily habit of sitting at a particular time and a particular spot can wire the brain to get itself ready for a dedicated sitting. 

At the anointed time and space, you feel a draw to the meditation space. If your meditation object is breathing, and you are familiar with it, that familiarity can spill over to daily life; mindfulness will arise spontaneously whenever you happen to be aware of breathing.

But it can also be a NO because time (when you sit) and space (where you sit) is just form. By themselves, they are not enough to overcome some of the mental conditions that vex many a regular mind such as worry, restlessness, agitation, uncertainty and scepticism, regrets, distractions and so on and so forth.

In fact, if despite your best efforts, sustained and effortless mindfulness remains elusive, you will end up frustrated, demoralised, dejected, and even helpless. This is ‘spiritual’ dukkha (as opposed to mundane and material dukkha). 

You may spiral into a vicious cycle of trying to sit, being disappointed, feeling stressed and eventually giving up. This is when people start to sit less, from daily effort to alternate days, to only on the weekends, and eventually only at retreats.

b. Another common assumption why sustained mindfulness is elusive for us is we don’t know the ‘right steps’.

If you think so, you are likely to say, we need to get the SOP (Standard Operating Principles) right. We seek out meditation masters to learn ‘properly’.

We obsess about when to sit (morning, evening, before sleep, after meals), where to sit (on the floor, on a chair, in a quiet room, in meditation hall), how to sit (full lotus, half lotus, no lotus) and where to park mindful attention (on tip of the nose, before the face, on the stomach, on the chest).

We seek out renowned meditation teachers with the hope that they can teach us something special to steady the mind and settle mindfulness. We go for endless retreats because it is only there that we can focus and experience mindfulness.

These are all good to have but not essential. 

If the mental conditions are right, the mind will naturally steady and settle; it will be a breeze. There is no need for extraordinary efforts.

Wise Steps:

  1. Recognise that our minds are distracted by default;
  2. Understand the three different types of cravings and how they arise in our minds; and
  3. Check our practice for wrong views on cultivating mindfulness.
The Porn Predicament: A Candid Look at Sexual Desire Through a Buddhist Lens

The Porn Predicament: A Candid Look at Sexual Desire Through a Buddhist Lens

by | Jul 24, 2024 | Emotional-mastery, Read, Sex and porn

TLDR: With porn so prevalent to all of us, what is the Buddhist take on porn. How can we sustain the practice in a digitally saturated world?

Disclaimer: This article discusses the topic of pornography viewing and may be uncomfortable to some. Please proceed at your discretion.

In the modern world’s frenetic chaos, the Buddha’s teachings on letting go of craving and attachment can seem like ancient whispers easily drowned out by society’s loud siren calls for gratification. 

Nowhere is this tension more apparent than the omnipresent pornography that has seeped into our collective consciousness, and at an increasingly young age too. In Singapore, 9 out of 10 boys aged 13 to 15 have watched or read sexually explicit materials. 

For Buddhists navigating this dizzying digital era, the issue sparks a moral paradox – to indulge these carnal cravings through pornography’s vivid lens, or to abstain.

The Buddhist Perspective on Sensual Pleasure

On the surface, pornography embodies the very attachments Buddhism cautions against. The Buddha was explicit that sensual pleasures are fundamentally unsatisfying. 

The Buddha described sensual pleasures as “a chain of bones” (in the Alagaddupama Sutta) – with little satisfaction, much stress, much despair, and ensnaring us in a perpetual cycle of dissatisfactory craving. 

Similarly, in the Avassuta Pariyaya Sutta, the Buddha warns that one being “mastered” by sights, sounds, tastes and sensations leads to the growth of defilements like lust, resulting in future rebirth and suffering. Through this view, pornography, with its fictional displays intended to arouse, represents the apex of delusion, conjuring an artificial reality to satiate base desires.

The Pragmatic Approach

And yet, Buddhism teaches us to meet reality’s circumstances with pragmatism and an open mind, not dogmatic rigidity. Sexual desire is innate to the human experience, not something to be rashly suppressed or shamed.

Some argue that pornography may provide a safe, private way for individuals to explore their sexual curiosities and fantasies without risk of sexually transmitted infections or unwanted pregnancies. It is also asserted that it may offer an accessible avenue for releasing pent-up desires that might otherwise lead to misconduct from desperation. 

For those with unconventional desires and orientations, it also allows secure examination of their eroticism behind closed doors.

But is this a skillful means for Buddhists interested in living an ethical life and purifying their minds? Do individuals know when it is enough and when they are addicted to it? The lines are more blurred than some would think.

The Nature of Pornography

The Porn Predicament: A Candid Look at Sexual Desire Through a Buddhist Lens


Informing this debate is the very nature of pornography itself. Pornography, by design, perpetuates defilements the Buddha cautioned against. 

There are 16 defilements (upakilesa) that cloud the mind. The Thai saying, “Kilesa is the engine of sadness,” aptly captures this notion. Pornographic scenes hijack the brain’s dopamine reward system, and according to  Gary Wilson (Tedx Glassgow speaker), the dopamine hit can lead to two things: it signals to the brain that it has reached a dopamine peak, and it activates delta FosB, which triggers binge mechanisms and leads to more craving, creating a cycle. 

This can cause brain changes similar to those found in all addicts, leading to a numbed pleasure response where only the addict finds porn exciting and everything else becomes boring. 

This addictive feedback loop also means increasingly extreme material (more graphic violence, more risque, more illegal or elusive content) is required to feel aroused. Combined with the accessibility to this content, the viewer’s willpower erodes. 

What may begin as a “harmless” pleasure or a stress-release activity can increasingly darken the mind.

Ajahn Achalo shares his perspective on pornography here, that by embracing and familiarizing one’s mind with darkness, the mind gets dark, and further darkens as it feeds on more darkness. 

The Ethical Concerns

Research has also shown that 88% of the most popular porn scenes contain acts of sexual physical aggression, and 96% of scenes portray women as enjoying violence (Bridges et al., 2010) – and this belief that women subjected to sexual violence is acceptable can become internalised by impressionable viewers. 

The coercive underbelly of the industry, rife with exploitation and trafficking of real human beings, the majority being children, also cannot be ignored.

Stories recounted by former performers frequently include instances where they tried to back out of the scene or even the industry altogether and were threatened with legal action. 

Other stories include threats from industry agents for performers to do scenes that were not agreed upon beforehand. As Buddhists, are we perpetuating this abuse merely by partaking as consumers? 

Undoubtedly, for monastics who have renounced sensual indulgence, engaging in pornography and sexual acts is a clear violation of vows and precepts.

But for the householder still entrenched in worldly life, how can one relate skillfully to the natural urges of sexual desires?

Raga, or lust, is one of the most powerful desires – a finding well supported by neurobiology. Contrary to the modern belief that unbridled expressions of desire are a form of liberation, the Buddha considers desire as a form of slavery: when you have a desire, if you must and are compelled to follow it, these darken and cloud the mind. 

Instead, liberation in the Buddhist sense, points to a mind that is free from the deluding and darkening forces of desire, attachment and ignorance. It thus becomes radiant, free and peaceful. Most importantly, all of us have the potential to be awakened to this nature. 

Can Watch Or Not Watch?

Thus, the question of whether one can or cannot watch pornography, should be extended to consider how we can cultivate self-compassion amidst these potent forces of desires that cloud the clear, radiant nature of the mind. Furthermore, how we can we journey towards liberation from suffering with ethics, concentration and wisdom.

We can turn to the Handful of Leaves Podcast with Ven Damcho on the topic of sex for some enlightening insights. 

One key takeaway is to be brutally honest with where we are at, not shaming ourselves for having these natural urges or even, secretive impulsive habits of pornography and trying to pretend to be a saintly celibate “Buddhist”, whatever that means. 

Accepting where we are at in this journey, and acknowledging that the Buddha’s teachings are a gradual path of relinquishing our cravings is the first step towards happiness. 

Whether you watch porn or don’t, there is no Godly being that will condemn you, but really, if you feel empty, unhappy and lost as a result, the purpose of the teachings is for us to work out what is realistic or beneficial to our happiness, and taking committed actions towards that. 

And to ask ourselves with our own wisdom, what’s realistic, what’s beneficial, what is useful and caring and kind to others.

Start where you’re at 

One of the most effective techniques according to psychiatrist Dr K. for resisting the urge to view pornography is called “urge surfing.” 

This paradoxical approach recognises that directly fighting pornography cravings is often counterproductive, as the brain learns to intensify the urges when you resist and fail. Instead, urge surfing involves riding out the craving wave for 15-30 minutes without giving in. 

During this timeframe, the brain’s homeostatic tolerance mechanisms will kick in, allowing the intensity of the urge to subside on its own. To facilitate urge surfing, avoid fighting any battles you’re likely to lose against intense cravings. This reinforces a sense of powerlessness. 

Instead, try to strategically “pick your battles” by scheduling specific windows when pornography viewing is allowed.

This makes it easier to surf through cravings that arise outside of those designated times. With practice, you can strengthen your ability to mindfully experience urges without unconsciously acting on them or creating an irresistible struggle.

From objectification to connection 

Cultivating healthy intimate relationships grounded in genuine care, respect and compassionate communication allows sexuality to naturally blossom as an expression of profound human connection – rather than objectification or personal gratification. 

Lama Thubten Yeshe has an inspiring quote that always makes me pause, he said, “Often when we say, I love you to someone, what we really mean is I want to use you.”

A key practice to developing real connections with others is to regularly reflect with wisdom and honesty: Am I being wise and kind to myself and others?

Do I want to perpetuate sex as a commodity, viewing others as mere objects, as pieces of flesh to be consumed for fleeting pleasure, like food to satiate a craving?

Is this how I wish to relate to those I care for and to myself? By staying committed to wisdom and kindness, we can be open to intimacy and sex as an acceptance of the wholeness of another, rather than just pursuing personal gratification that inevitably breeds emptiness. 

Why are you dissatisfied with your current life?

The Porn Predicament: A Candid Look at Sexual Desire Through a Buddhist Lens

Similar to people who have an addiction to alcohol and drugs, porn is often used as an unhealthy coping mechanism, especially to get away from their thoughts of loneliness.

It is thus critical to address the root causes driving the behaviour of porn consumption, by building up alternative emotional regulation techniques. 

This could include mindfulness practices, exercising, gratitude journaling, seeking counselling, or visiting the Handful of Leaves Directory that promotes wholesome communities providing a sense of purpose and fulfilment. 

Establishment of mindfulness

In the podcast, Ven Damcho also suggests referencing the Buddha’s Satipaṭṭhāna Sutta on the establishment of mindfulness. First of all, we learn to identify our own states of mindminds of suffering, such as loneliness, emptiness or even attachment. 

Frankly, that’s not easy. When we’re in suffering, we are not identifying it. We are reacting.

When we’re stuck in attachment, our immediate thought is often “I want more. How do I have more of this pleasure?” However, this stance fails to recognize the attachment itself. 

By learning to identify the physical manifestations of our thoughts and emotions through meditation, we can cultivate a deeper understanding of their origins and implications. 

Adopting this introspective stance allows us to discern the consequences of our thoughts and emotions, guiding us towards wiser choices. Crucially, this process involves refraining from harsh self-criticism, as condemning ourselves for perceived shortcomings only perpetuates negative patterns. 

Judging ourselves as “bad and lustful” or “bad and angry” is not the antidote to attachment or anger; it only breeds more negativity.

Contemplating impermanence

The Porn Predicament: A Candid Look at Sexual Desire Through a Buddhist Lens. Why are you settling for Grade F happiness?

The antidote to any kind of attachment is often contemplating impermanence – reflecting on whether the desired object can bring everlasting pleasure or happiness, and considering if engaging with it harms ourselves and others. 

Slowing down and taking a long-term perspective can calm attachment. Instead of judging ourselves, we must cultivate wisdom by examining the causes, conditions, and effects our attachments produce.

 If we can clearly see that something is not bringing genuine happiness, we won’t settle for it. Venerable Thubten Chodron often says, “Why are you settling for Grade F happiness?” Our minds may protest, “It’s the only thing I know,” but there are sources of happiness outside of our attachments, like having an honest conversation with someone we care about. 

The key is moving forward in a way that brings more pleasure than lies or attachments ever could. In summary, choose wisely.

Wise Steps:

  1. Evaluate the facts around pornography, and reflect if it is something that you want to further imprint your mind with. Every action and perception, whether wholesome or unwholesome, that we actively consume leaves an imprint on our mind, and the more we do it, the deeper those grooves will get. So, what are we choosing to stain our minds with? 
  2. If you wish to change, take a gradual and multi-pronged approach addressing root causes, and always with kindness and compassion to oneself. Good luck!