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In Buddhism, gods are merely our friends

In Buddhism, gods are merely our friends

by | Dec 25, 2024 | Read, Reflections on core teachings

Editor’s note: This article was first published from Buddhism.net and edited with the author’s permission, Meng is also an advisor to Handful of Leaves.

TLDR: What are the roles of gods in Buddhism? How can recollecting them help in our practice? Bro Tan Chade Meng shares more.

The early Buddhist relationship with the gods is very much unlike that of any religious tradition. Typically, a religion is built around the worship of one or more gods, and they almost always take the central and highest place in that religion. In early Buddhism, this is totally not the case, instead, the gods are merely friends.

In the volume of early Buddhist discourses called the Saṃyutta Nikāya, the first two chapters are devoted to the heavenly beings, the first one to the gods, and the second one to devaputtas (literally “god sons”), translated as “young gods”. 

Conversations with Gods

In almost all the discourses, the gods’ only role is to ask Dharma-related questions to the Buddha and receive answers. They would usually appear at night and be described as “a heavenly being of stunning beauty” who would illuminate the area, and they would bow to the Buddha and then ask questions.  

One such conversation, for example:

[The god asks:]
“What is good by not decaying?
What is good when made secure?
What is the precious gem of humans?
What cannot be stolen by thieves?”

[The Buddha answers:]
“Virtue is good by not decaying;
Faith is good when made secure;
Wisdom is the precious gem of humans;
Merit cannot be stolen by thieves.”[1]

That’s right, not much different from any conversation the Buddha would have with a typical human being, except that for some reason, the conversations with the gods usually occur in verse (maybe because all good poets go to heaven). After each conversation, the god would be satisfied, bow to the Buddha, and then disappear.

There are a few exceptions to this pattern, but even in 100% of those cases, the gods play a subordinate role to the Buddha. For example, in one discourse, the young god Candimā was seized by a major demigod Rāhu, Candimā immediately took refuge in the Buddha, and Rāhu decided there was nothing he could do except to release him.  

When Rāhu was later asked why he had to release Candimā, he answered that he did not want his own head to be “split into seven parts”. [2] (Yes, I thought it was funny too.)

Given this context, I was initially very surprised when reading the ancient discourses to come across one where the Buddha advised to “recollect the gods” until I read the fine print.  

Recollect the Gods for Spiritual Awakening?

This discourse was given to Mahānāma the Shakyan, the Buddha’s cousin and Anuruddha’s brother. Mahānāma did not become a monk.  

He did, however, attain stream-entry and he asked the Buddha what practice would support a stream-enterer’s further growth. The Buddha prescribed to him the six recollections,[3] which are:

  1. Recollection of the Buddha
  2. Recollection of the Dharma
  3. Recollection of the Sangha
  4. Recollection of your own virtue
  5. Recollection of your generosity
  6. Recollection of the gods

For each recollection, the disciple gains wholesome joy and inspiration for deeper practice. That’s not surprising to me, except the last one, I mean, what has the gods got to do with this?  

And then the Buddha explained: the disciple recollects thus, “The gods had the good fortune to be reborn as gods because of their previous virtue, faith, generosity and wisdom, and I too have those same good qualities!”  

Thinking thus, the disciple gains wholesome joy and inspiration for deeper practice. So, even here, the gods are not the object of worship, but inspiring equals. In the context of everything I know about early Buddhism, that makes perfect sense.

The Big Boss god

There is another fascinating story that illustrates the Buddhist / gods relationship from the perspective of early Buddhism.[4] This one involves Brahmā (literally: “supreme”), the highest of the gods. Our story begins with a monk with a profound question.  

This monk, while meditating, arrived at a question he could not answer: “Where do the four great elements cease without remainder?” Since the monk had attained psychic powers, he decided to go to heaven to ask the gods.

First, he went to the lowest heaven, the Heaven of the Four Great Kings, to ask the gods there. They did not know the answer, so they suggested that he ask the Four Great Kings themselves. 

They are kings of those gods, surely they would know. Turns out, they did not know. They suggested he went upstairs to the next level of heaven, the Heaven of the Thirty-Three Gods. So, he did. He asked those gods, but they did not know the answer, so he asked their king Sakka, and he did not know, so he suggested the monk go upstairs to the next higher heaven.  

And so on. And this went on all the way to the highest of heavens, the Heaven of Brahmā, the very seat of Great Brahmā, himself.

Once again, our friend went around asking those gods, and they did not know the answer, so they suggested that he ask Great Brahmā.  

The monk approached Great Brahmā respectfully and asked the question, “Friend, where do the four elements cease without remainder?” Great Brahmā answered, “I am Brahmā, the Great Brahmā, the Undefeated, the Champion, the Universal Seer, the Wielder of Power, the Lord God, the Maker, the Author, the Best, the Begetter, the Controller, the Father of those who have been born and those yet to be born.”  

The monk said, “Friend, I did not ask if you are Great Brahmā, my question is: where do the four elements cease without remainder?” Great Brahmā repeated, “I am Brahmā, the Great Brahmā, the Undefeated, the Champion, … etc … the Father of those who have been born and those yet to be born.” 

For the third time, the monk asked, “Friend, I did not ask if you are Great Brahmā. What I asked is: where do the four elements cease without remainder?”

This time, Great Brahmā did not answer. He grabbed the monk by the arm and took him to a quiet corner, and said to him, “All these gods think I know everything, but how would I know where the four great elements cease without remainder? This is all your fault. You are a disciple of the Buddha, go ask him yourself.”  

Insight Into Early Buddhism

And with that, the monk disappeared from that heaven and appeared in front of the Buddha. The Buddha made a gentle joke about his little adventure before giving him the answer in verse:

“Consciousness unmanifest,
boundless, all-luminous:

Here water and earth,
fire and air find no footing;

Here long and short,
small and large, fair and foul;


Here name and form
are without remainder destroyed—
Here, with the cessation of consciousness,
This is all destroyed.”[5]

Oh, and did you notice, the main character in this story, a mere unnamed Buddhist monk, addressed Great Brahmā as “friend” (āvuso)[6], the same term monks use to address each other?  

Whether you take the story literally or not, it illuminates the early Buddhist attitude towards the gods: that when it comes to the most important and most profound subjects like nirvana, the gods do not necessarily know more than we do, and an enlightened human would know more about those topics than a typical god, up to and including Great Brahmā himself.  

And that is partly why, in early Buddhism, the total cumulative sum of worship of all gods is zero. Gods are just friends.

Psst! Love the artwork cover for this article? You can now purchase them here as Christmas Cards or Season Greeting Cards.

Wise Steps:

  • Which one of the 6 recollections resonates with you? If you find most of them difficult, you can start by recollecting your virtues and generosity.
  • Observe the sensations that arise when recollecting your virtues or any of the 6 recollections. These can help us through difficult times.

References:

[1] Saṃyutta Nikāya 1.52.

[2] Saṃyutta Nikāya 2.9.

[3] Aṅguttara Nikāya 6.10.

[4] The story is in Dīgha Nikāya 11.

[5] Maurice Walshe’s translation, with Soryu’s minor edits.

[6] Most translators translate āvuso as “friend” while Bhikkhu Sujato translates it to “reverend” because āvuso comes from ayu meaning “age”, which means it is a reverential term.  You can think of āvuso as addressing a friend in a respectful way, perhaps the same way a Chinese person like me might address a friend as “Old Chen” (老陈) or “Old Wang” (老王).

Ep 53: Reframe & Rise: Transforming Feedback into Fuel ft. Jeraldine Phneah

Ep 53: Reframe & Rise: Transforming Feedback into Fuel ft. Jeraldine Phneah

by | Nov 20, 2024 | Podcast

Summary

In this podcast episode, Jeraldine, a top tech sales leader and content creator, shares her journey of navigating unfair criticism and how she has learned to manage it constructively. She discusses a particularly painful experience when she was unfairly compared to another woman in an online forum based on appearance, leading her to question her self-worth. Over time, Jeraldine has developed strategies to manage criticism, maintain self-esteem, and practice forgiveness. She emphasises the importance of emotional regulation, loving-kindness, and cultivating healthy relationships in response to negative feedback. Jeraldine also shares insights on how to balance personal growth with standing up for oneself.

About the Speaker

Jeraldine Phneah is a Singaporean tech sales professional and content creator, passionate about helping others become the best versions of themselves in their careers, finances, health, and relationships. Through her own journey, she shares practical, actionable solutions to alleviate the pressures of modern life. Listed as one of LinkedIn’s Top Voices in Singapore, Jeraldine has been featured in prominent media outlets such as Channel News Asia, Dollars & Sense, and Her World. She has also spoken at high-profile events, including the YWLC/Grab Future Women Leaders Forum 2022, E27 Echelon Asia Summit 2023, and the Endowus Wealthtech Conference 2023. In her professional role, Jeraldine works at an AI SaaS startup, where she focuses on scaling their business across the APAC region.

Key Takeaways

Criticism Can Be a Tool for Growth:

Jeraldine reflects on how to use criticism as a means of personal growth rather than letting it undermine your self-esteem. Instead of reacting impulsively, she suggests acknowledging your emotions, reflecting on the core message of the feedback, and deciding whether it holds value for self-improvement. Healthy self-esteem is essential for navigating criticism without losing your sense of self.

The Power of Loving-Kindness and Forgiveness:

One of Jeraldine’s learning point is the practice of extending loving-kindness even toward those who criticise or hurt us. She shares the importance of forgiveness, not as a sign of weakness, but as a way to release personal suffering and foster emotional well-being. By detaching from emotions and empathising with others, she is able to better maintain peace in the face of unfairness.

Building Resilience Through Relationships:

Jeraldine underscores the role of supportive relationships in building resilience against criticism. Close friends and family help provide a grounding perspective, buffer against negative feedback, and offer constructive advice. This network helps maintain a balanced view of yourself, preventing you from internalizing harmful opinions from others.

Transcript

Full Transcript

[00:00:00] I was putting all this effort to research, to write, to create, like, good content and then people will just focus on like, is she pretty or not.

[00:00:10] There are two types of people, those who let criticism crush them and those who use it as fuel. Today, you’ll learn how to become the second type. Imagine waking up to find strangers on the internet debating on whether you’re attractive enough to deserve success. This happened to my guest last year.

[00:00:29] She’s a top tech sales leader and content creator who thought she was prepared for everything, until a single forum post changed everything. But this isn’t just another story about internet hate. In this video, you’ll learn how to reframe your critics, stop emotional spirals, and find valuable lessons in forgiveness.

[00:00:49] This conversation changed how I view criticism forever. I think it might do the same for you. Hello, welcome to the Handful of Leaves podcast. My name is Cheryl, the host of the podcast. If you look around us, we are in a very beautiful studio and this is called the Thought Partners Studio. So I’ll share a little bit more about this studio.

[00:01:09] This is all about fostering creativity and wellness in a workspace designed for growth. From yoga sessions to art exhibitions, Thought Partners offers a space where innovation thrives. So you can come here to book a studio, use it for whatever needs that you want. Yeah, and check out their website.

[00:01:27] And today I have Jeraldine who will be our guest. My name is Jeraldine. I create content around growth and specifically on topics such as wealth, health, and relationships. Can you share with us a fun fact about yourself? I guess what many people do not know about me is that my day job is actually in the software as a service sector where I do sales.

[00:01:48] I interned at a Hong Kong news outlet and worked in Hong Kong for a while as well. I wanted a job that gave me a certain level of autonomy and freedom while being able to fulfil the wealth part of it. So today we are talking about unfairness. Yeah. I think I would love to understand what is unfairness to you and specifically to what extent you would consider something is unfair.

[00:02:13] I guess, wow, this is the first time I’ve been asked this question about what unfairness is. A common definition would be more like you did something with the expectation of something in return but then that was not what was given to you. Okay, would you be able to share a specific moment where you felt people were unfair to you in terms of their criticism?

[00:02:34] You know, the most memorable one is actually a forum post. They put me and another woman side by side to compare, like, who is prettier. Wow. And I think at that point in time, I felt really unhappy because I was putting all this effort to research, to write, to create like good content and then people will just focus on like, “Is she pretty or not?”.

[00:02:53] Of course, I am not unrealistic to think that like, appearance doesn’t play a part in anything in life. In fact, I feel that, you know, personal grooming is really, but for it to have such a massive weightage at that point in time, was something that I was unhappy with. Yeah, and that set me on a road to, a insecure kind of like path, right?

[00:03:12] Because I will constantly be afraid of and self conscious about how I look like. I changed the way I dress and I even adjusted my voice to be able to speak in a tonality that is much lower versus like what it originally sounded like. So all these changes that I adjusted to make was hopefully to be more presentable to the public and I did my best for it.

[00:03:34] And even so, I still got criticisms in the end and that made me realize that like, hey, there’s no way to please everyone. Oh, yeah. There’s no way to please every single person. We still get a lot of our validation, our self esteem from what other people say. How do you manage the balance between pleasing others and finding the inner strength?

[00:03:53] I guess it begins first with the mindset, right? Of viewing yourself not as something that is a fixed individual, a fixed identity, someone that is growing and evolving, you know? So when you receive criticism, the first instinct is to disregard it entirely, like, and to react emotionally.

[00:04:12] Yes. But what I would like to do is, of course, first acknowledge that, hey, there is unhappy feelings when I receive criticisms like this. Because nobody likes to receive criticism, right? We love the praise. We hate the blame. Yes, correct. But this is an inevitable part of life. Recognising my emotions is the first step.

[00:04:32] And then secondly, look at the message, try to distill it down beyond the emotional writing to what is the core message really about. Then reflect on it and determine like, hey, to what extent, you know, is this really true? Like for instance, when I receive bad comments that I was fat-shaming other people, I really had a long think about it.

[00:04:55] And I read through my content in detail to try to understand, like, was there any part that I could have written better? So that, that reflection is a very important step. So this balancing, like the message you receive, right, and thinking about how you can be a better person. But at the same time, there’s also a fundamental layer of self esteem that I believe that everyone should strive to have, especially if you are a creator, because without that, you would end up not having boundaries and just like cave into whatever people want. What does a healthy self esteem mean to you? A healthy self esteem in this particular context means that you are able to hear criticisms, right?

[00:05:34] Acknowledge them, reflect upon it. You know, and determine or not whether this is something that is good for you or not, and then act on it accordingly. How to go about doing that, that’s something that only you can give yourself. First of all, acknowledging your own strengths. And I guess for me personally, that’s something that I’m still working on, right?

[00:05:55] Acknowledging my own strengths, building up that whole “What am I good at? What makes me a good person”, for example. And then, of course, the second part of it is to cultivate healthy relationships that can continually give you that feedback. So that would help you recognise that, hey, there’s a reality of the world that I live in with my close friends and family that is different from what is outside.

[00:06:15] And they can also provide that grounding factor as well that reminds you of who you are without all of this branding image. Yes, correct. Relationship is a, I would say it’s a buffer because they amplify your happiness during good times, right? Like I feel happy when my friends attend my panels, you know, and help me to do filming and all that.

[00:06:36] And that really elevates the happiness of being on stage. At the same time, they are also a strong buffer against criticism. Let’s say for example, the criticism is like, they hit you with 100 points for example. But because you have the support of your friends and family, you can actually drastically reduce them because you have people to talk to who can nurture you, who can give you that kind of like love, protection and also feedback as well.

[00:07:01] Yes. And I want to dive a little bit deeper into that. Especially I think on the first point that you shared on, you know, just managing your emotions, when you first receive all of these things. What are the steps that you take to try to regulate your emotions? I remind myself every time I react on emotions, right?

[00:07:21] It’s always a very bad idea. Like I will regret the things that I say. So I remind myself to take a break first. At the same time, it’s also important to detach from the feeling of emotion. So you recognise that, hey, there is grief. There is like unhappiness. There is stress. There’s frustration. But you don’t like take that as part of you.

[00:07:42] Recognise that it’s a passing emotion. Because as with every feeling, they will come and then they will go, just like the waves. And just to add on to that, you know, the Buddha teaches the four foundations of mindfulness, and one of the first foundation is actually the mindfulness of the body.

[00:07:56] So whenever we feel, for example, frustration building up, we can pay attention to the sensations, like where is it in your chest? How are you? How’s your face feeling? The temperature rising and that helps us to become, like you mentioned, a little bit distant or detached, rather than being completely caught up in the emotions.

[00:08:16] Yeah. And I think another very cool tip: the Buddha also shares that, you know, whenever people are being unkind to us, what we can do is to maintain a mind of loving kindness. So what that means is that we still wish for ourselves to be well, to be at ease, and then wishing the person to still be kind and happy as well.

[00:08:37] Yeah, and there’s a monk that also shared that actually the people that give us feedback, they are giving us the best gift. When you take the time to evaluate how can I improve, what is relevant. Then that is really a gift for yourself to become a better person. I think what we generally love is that, cause like, you know, we’re not deities, right?

[00:09:00] We love praise. We hate blame. So sometimes we may unconsciously surround ourselves with people who tell us what we want to hear. Yes. And then we will never grow. Yeah. So when we have someone who’s courageous enough to come and tell you, “you suck!”. Then we’ll be like, “thank you. Why?” Just a couple of weeks ago, I had like a feedback session with my boss about what’s working, what’s not working and… Sounds stressful.

[00:09:25] And I think the feedback he gave me about how I can communicate better was definitely something that was very valuable. I started to apply. Yeah. Because after he told me about the things I need to improve, I came up with like an action plan, right? But there are things that I can do to make steps in that right direction.

[00:09:42] And after applying those tips for a few weeks or so, I did see some positive feedback from other people. Your second point about having a loving kindness towards someone who is giving you that feedback is also very valid because if it comes from a good place, that person is actually taking the courage to risk even like your relationship, right?

[00:10:03] To share with you something that is really important and that shows you how much they care. And if it comes from a bad place, like they’re just like an angry person online trying to hurt you and all that, you have to also extend the kindness towards them because it is not… if someone is not hurting, they won’t hurt others.

[00:10:21] So similarly, if someone who is angry, unpleasant, the people around them may not like them very much. They also have to endure their own harsh inner critic that will always be popping up at themselves as well. So hence, we can develop that loving kindness by expanding our perspective to see that they are actually hurting by being mean and unkind.

[00:10:43] So yeah, yeah. And while we maintain loving kindness towards people, I’m also curious about your thoughts on this. How do you know when to let things go and balance that with standing up for yourself? I guess the first thing is really to look at the validity of the criticism itself. Like to what extent is this true?

[00:11:06] So for example, in my recent feedback with my boss, I felt that a lot of the things that he did share were true and accurate, which prompted me to quickly take action to resolve them. And the second thing that I care about is does this criticism come from a person that is worthy to give it.

[00:11:23] So the Buddha said that, you know, when we want to share criticism with others, the first thing that we want to do is to check ourselves. Do we have the faults that we want to criticise the person for? Then the second thing is about the timeliness. So when do we tell the person? Whether they are very emotional, very upset, or you tell them at a point where, you know, they have calmed down a little bit and they become more receptive as well.

[00:11:46] Then the third piece is, of course, is it based on truthfulness, whether you’re saying based on facts or your perception. Because facts and perception can be wildly different, especially when we’re coloured by whatever biases that we have towards the person. The tone that we share to the person, because when you mention intention, right, sometimes intention we really cannot tell.

[00:12:10] But one way that we can also know is through the way, the gentleness, which they convey the message, right? Are they using a kind tone, a gentle tone, or are they like, you know, a kind of point finger tone? So, that’s one way. And then the final way is whether it’s beneficial or not. Right. So it aligns very much with what you say, like you check yourself, you do your own self awareness and say, Hmm, will it really help me to improve?

[00:12:35] That’s why I think there’s a lot of wisdom which aligns with the Buddha’s teaching that you shared and that’s amazing. So we’ll move on to one final part of about maybe the idea of forgiveness. Have you experienced difficulty in forgiving people who are unfair to you? Many times. Okay. Yeah.

[00:12:56] And I guess it’s just human, right? I’m sure that, you know, if anyone watching this is like, Oh, I have no problem with this at all. They are not being the most… don’t lie. So, yeah, I do experience that. And it’s sometimes like when you, you know, people are treating you unfairly, you know, or being unkind to you there is a tendency to hold the unhappiness and grudge.

[00:13:18] A while back, something happened in my work whereby there was another colleague from the sales team, another sales team who actually took a deal that was meant to be mine and she actually won the deal very quickly because it was an inbound request. The final outcome was that, you know, after I found out and petitioned for it to be written to me was that she would get 30 percent and I’ll get 70 percent and that caused me a lot of frustration for a period of time.

[00:13:44] So I was very unhappy for a period of time also, and I met my close friend from school for lunch. And you see something really wise, right? You know, she has already taken 30 percent of the deal. Why do you let her take away your happiness as well? It’s powerful. Yeah. And that made me realise that like, by bearing grudges too much, I’m actually suffering.

[00:14:08] Yeah. So rather than holding on to that unhappiness, why don’t I just let it go and move forward? The second thing to think about when it comes to this type of like incidents is really to check yourself as well, because I’m not perfect also, yeah, and, you know, definitely there will be times in my career where I let other people down and all that.

[00:14:31] So if I, am not 100 percent flawless then who am I to actually judge the other person? And I guess the final part is actually really to extend compassion towards them also, because sometimes when you see someone behaving in a way that is not the best, often it is because it comes from a place of fear, anxiety, and probably she was going through a lot of stresses at that point in time as well.

[00:14:56] So looking at these things holistically has helped me to really let go. It’s not always easy and I still struggle a bit but I try to follow these principles. And I’ll just share a perspective from a psychologist actually. So this psychologist, she developed this model called the REACH model to help people to foster forgiveness because I think forgiveness is truly a practice, a commitment, and a ritual that we need to do because it’s so easy to step back to like, “That woman, yeah, stole my deal.” Yeah, right.

[00:15:26] So the first, first part of REACH is called R, recall the hurt. Meaning to really be honest with how much their actions, their speech, their behaviour have affected you. Right. That also means you avoid seeing yourself as a victim or the other person as a villain, allowing yourself to just experience that emotion through the body sensations and emotions.

[00:15:50] Then second is E, empathise, which is what you say, you know, kind of empathising the person and seeing what they’re going through. And a lot of times people who hurt us may not, may not ask for forgiveness. So this part is crucial also where we imagine The person explaining the actions asking for forgiveness and trying to connect with you.

[00:16:12] Then A is altruistic gift. So this is referring to imagining your forgiveness as a gift to yourself, right? You know, you don’t allow yourself to be hurt again by the person and also imagine that as a gift to the person. So I give you my forgiveness and that really can bring a sense of relief and prevent further disappointment on your end.

[00:16:36] And C, commitment is really writing down your commitments or telling people close to you that “I commit to forgive this person.” And we hold on to that, which is the last H, hold on to forgiveness. So every time we’re angry, we hold on and choose forgiveness. And I think it could also tie back to our beliefs of we should live in a fair world.

[00:17:00] And when that is crossed, I think that brings up a lot of unhappiness as well. Sometimes people feel that by not forgiving someone else, they are protecting themselves. Ah, so the holding on to the anger is a form of protecting themselves. Yes. An armor. Yes. Oh, interesting. Because in the situation whereby they were to forgive, that person might hurt them again.

[00:17:22] So they want to put up this type of barriers. So then how can we protect ourselves to not be hurt while forgiving the other person? So let’s say someone does something wrong to you and it’s important to let go and forgive because it’s necessary for your own emotional and mental well being. At the same time, you don’t actually have to be best friends with that person, right?

[00:17:44] It’s not an expectation that you are best friends with everyone. You can continue to, of course, work with them, coexist. And of course, along the way, if information arises that you’ve actually not seen many good parts about them, then it’s okay to, you know, not deepen that relationship with them. I think it’s really, the essence here is really about the idea of forgive, not forget.

[00:18:05] And forgiveness is something that is within, is regardless of what other people do to you. But not forgetting is in relation to how you maintain skilful relationships with them. So what that means is that if you know this person has a bad habit of constantly lying, manipulating, you are kind to them, you treat them nicely, but you don’t share with them very confidential information.

[00:18:27] Yeah, like basically the stuff they say, you just discount 50%. You know, yeah. Since we’re being mindful about that, but it’s not like you hit them, you want them to suffer. You will be the one that’s suffering. And maybe we can end the episode: what final piece of advice do you have for our listeners here about thriving despite life’s unfairness? I guess something that has really helped me is to, first of all, begin with the type of person that you want to be. So if you aspire to be someone who is compassionate towards others, then what does it really mean in action that you can do in your day to day life?

[00:19:06] And if you think about it, while forgiveness is difficult for every single person. Yes. And dealing with criticisms is difficult for everyone as well. It starts with a place of like, hey, I identify as, you know, and I aspire to be someone who is compassionate. And therefore, a compassionate person would extend this loving kindness towards other people, right?

[00:19:28] In terms of the people who have wronged you as well. And also the people who are saying things that are unfair to you. So having that goal in mind and that kind of aspiration of who you want to be can sometimes make it a lot more motivating. It’s always easy for anyone to be kind to people who are kind to us.

[00:19:45] Of course. But it’s not easy to do it for the other group. So therefore, I think if I’m able to do that, I sometimes feel a sense of pride in myself because I realised that it’s something that is not easy. And the fact that I can do it shows that I have a certain level of maturity, hopefully.

[00:20:02] And that reminds me of Michelle Obama, she says “when they go low, we go high”. I think what I find very inspiring is that the courage that you have to keep going despite everything that people throw at you and as well as constantly connecting with your intention to impact and help people as a content creator.

[00:20:21] So yeah, thank you. Thank you so much for sharing your time with Handful of Leaves. And if you want to find more of her work, more of her inspirational stories, you can find her at… you can follow me on LinkedIn or Instagram at Jeraldine Phneah. She’ll leave the details in the description and of course my mailing list as well.

[00:20:42] So you can also like and subscribe and share with a friend on YouTube, Spotify, we are everywhere. Okay, so till the next episode then, stay happy and wise. Bye bye. Bye.

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Ep 52: Breaking Free From Anger ft. Sylvia Bay

Ep 52: Breaking Free From Anger ft. Sylvia Bay

by | Nov 8, 2024 | Podcast

Summary

In this episode of Handful of Leaves, Sister Sylvia Bay addresses the journey of overcoming anger through Buddhist teachings and mindfulness practices. It emphasises the importance of contentment, acceptance, and the Buddhist concept of Anattā, or non-self, which challenges the notion that we have complete control over our emotions and behaviours. By embracing love and compassion consistently, one can begin to alter negative mental habits and foster a more peaceful mindset. The discussion highlights a three-step approach: avoiding harm, doing good, and purifying the mind.

About the Speaker

Sylvia Bay has been dedicated to the study and practice of Buddha’s teaching since 1992. She graduated with a B.A. (Hons) First Class, in Buddhist Studies, from the Buddhist and Pali University of Sri Lanka in 2000 and joined the teaching staff of the Buddhist and Pali College (Singapore) in 2001. Since 2002, Sylvia has also been a regular speaker on Buddhist doctrine, Buddhist history, and the practical application of the Buddha’s teachings in daily life, at the invitation of various Buddhist organisations in Singapore. She published her first book in May 2014: the 1st volume of a 2-part series on the life of the Buddha which is titled, “Between The Lines: An Analytical Appreciation of Buddha’s Life”. Volume 2 was launched on Vesak day of year 2015. Sylvia also holds a B.Soc.Sci (Hons) from NUS and a Masters in International Public Policy (M.I.P.P) from School of Advanced International Studies (SAIS), Johns Hopkins.

Key Takeaways

Acceptance of Non-Self

Understanding Anattā, or the non-self, helps to release the illusion of complete control over emotions and fosters acceptance of natural, instinctual responses.

Three-Step Path to Peace

Following Buddha’s guidance of “avoid evil, do good, purify mind” lays a structured foundation for breaking the anger cycle by replacing negativity with positivity and compassion.

Consistency in Compassion

Regularly practicing kindness, even without immediate emotional response, gradually rewires the brain toward spontaneous compassion, transforming anger into a more loving outlook.

Transcript

Full transcript

[00:00:00] Sylvia Bay: In our practice, we need to learn, because it’s not a habit. We need to learn contentment, acceptance. When we are disappointed with ourselves, we say that we’re not nice because we do all these things.

[00:00:20] In a way, we are not realising Anattā. Anattā means you are conditional arising. The average person assumes that he can make things happen. He can decide. He has will. He will shape things.

[00:00:35] It’s will, you will. You will it and you do it. Therefore you’ve got to live by it. Humans are very complex. There is this imagination that you have will, but actually you’re being driven by defilements. You’re being driven by wholesome mental states. Or rather you’re cuddled, you’re cocooned in wholesome mental states. Or you feel driven, you feel helpless.

[00:01:02] I don’t get angry, but that happens. I don’t want to get jealous, but it happens. I didn’t want to kill this guy, but he makes me so angry. It happens. Then you see, yeah, you have no will. You didn’t exercise your will. You are not a good person. You are mean. So we judged this guy, but the pain, the instincts buried in here is so instinctive.

[00:01:22] So the first thing you have to do, that’s what the Buddha say, in a three step, avoid evil, do good, purify mind. It goes in that order. The first thing is you learn to overcome your negativities. And you overcome it by consistently and constantly doing what he tells you is beneficial and helpful.

[00:01:45] You want to break the anger habit, you have to constantly give love.

[00:01:52] So when anger is already like (bubbling), I embrace you (anger). When you say, “I wish you well, may you be well and happy“, there’s no feeling because the anger is so strong, but you don’t get into it. Constantly “I wish you well, I wish you well”. At some point the mind gets it. You’re wishing people well, cannot be so rude.

[00:02:13] Eventually over time, it becomes Metta. It becomes very spontaneous. How long did it take to get you here? The wiring needs to change, you know?

Special thanks to our sponsors:

Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña, Shuo Mei, Arif, Bernice, Wee Teck, Andrew Yam, Kan Rong Hui, Wei Li Quek, Shirley Shen, Ezra, Joanne Chan, Hsien Li Siaw, Gillian Ang, Wang Shiow Mei, Ong Chye Chye, Melvin, Yoke Kuen

Editor and transcriber of this episode:

Bernice Bay, Eng Yean Khai, Tan Si Jing, Susara Ng

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Ep 51: The Most Precious Commodity in Life ft. Sylvia Bay

Ep 51: The Most Precious Commodity in Life ft. Sylvia Bay

by | Oct 23, 2024 | Podcast

Summary

In this captivating podcast episode, Dhamma expert Sister Sylvia offers profound wisdom on navigating the complexities of a chaotic world. From understanding how human instincts drive us to judge others to learning the art of letting go, Sister Sylvia shares practical Buddhist principles for fostering mindfulness and compassion. This conversation is not just about surviving life’s storms—it’s about thriving through deeper self-awareness and spiritual practice. Dive into this episode to discover how to overcome expectations and free yourself from unnecessary suffering.

About the Speaker

Sylvia Bay has been dedicated to the study and practice of Buddha’s teaching since 1992. She graduated with a B.A. (Hons) First Class, in Buddhist Studies, from the Buddhist and Pali University of Sri Lanka in 2000 and joined the teaching staff of the Buddhist and Pali College (Singapore) in 2001. Since 2002, Sylvia has also been a regular speaker on Buddhist doctrine, Buddhist history, and the practical application of the Buddha’s teachings in daily life, at the invitation of various Buddhist organisations in Singapore. She published her first book in May 2014: the 1st volume of a 2-part series on the life of the Buddha which is titled, “Between The Lines: An Analytical Appreciation of Buddha’s Life”. Volume 2 was launched on Vesak day of year 2015. Sylvia also holds a B.Soc.Sci (Hons) from NUS and a Masters in International Public Policy (M.I.P.P) from School of Advanced International Studies (SAIS), Johns Hopkins.

Key Takeaways

Judgment and Instincts:

Sister Sylvia explains how judgment stems from our survival instincts, which often push us into a cycle of assessing others as threats. Understanding and regulating these instincts through mindfulness can help us replace negative reactions with compassion and wisdom.

The Power of Mortality Reflection:

Reflecting on impermanence and death is a powerful tool for aligning with the Dhamma. Recognizing that life is temporary allows us to let go of trivial conflicts and focus on living mindfully with kindness and purpose.

The Role of Mindfulness in Everyday Interactions:

Mindfulness isn’t just about observing the external world but about monitoring our internal reactions—feelings, judgments, and narratives. By mastering this, we can transform negative emotions into positive, constructive responses that benefit both ourselves and those around us.

Transcript

Full Transcript

[00:00:00] Cheryl: Welcome to the Handful of Leaves episode. I am Cheryl. Today our topic is how to deal with an insane world and how to let go of expectations of other people.

I aspire to practice doing good, take the five precepts, avoid evil and purify our minds. How can we practice in such a way that we don’t suffer over our expectations? We will begin with this “Let’s Be Real” question of the day, which is everyone judges, so how can we be less judgy?

The guest is Sister Sylvia, she’s an experienced Dhamma speaker, practitioner and scholar, she has a lot of experience in Dhamma practice. I’m very excited to invite her. Welcome, Sister Sylvia.

[00:00:39] Sis Sylvia: Hello. You have asked a very pertinent question.

If I want to be a Dhamma practitioner, I need to do all the good things and avoid, all the negative, words, conduct. Amongst the many things that I must avoid include being less judging. Being judging is a very natural human instinct.

For the longest time through many lives, we have “survived” and thrived through ignorance. Actually it is because we are ignorant. We, humans, operate very instinctively. Part of our instinct is to protect this person.

I call it number one.

[00:01:23] Cheryl: Number one.

[00:01:23] Sis Sylvia: You protect number one by trying to suss out the threat. And then you deal with threats by either beating them up, pushing them away, or you run away. Fight or flight. That has been the instinct of all living beings.

If we perceive that the threat can be handled by just fighting, the odds are you will fight. Why would you flee? Fighting requires churning of adrenaline. I said all these things about churning of adrenaline, learning to fight people and so on and so forth. It’s really because all of us are underpinned by certain instincts.

We call it (Lobha), Greed, (Dosa), Anger, Delusion, (Mohā). As long as we have (Mohā), Delusion, our instinct is, I see a threat, I will fight you. In my view, judging is part of threat assessment. If you “judge” someone to be no threat, helpful, can serve my interests, you’re still judging. If you perceive that way, you are inclined to lean closer to that person.

If you perceive that this is someone who can threaten your interests, cause you displeasure, pain, inconvenience, then you are judging. You will judge critically. You will say, I don’t like this person. And then in your mind, you cite all the negative “behavior” to justify your feelings.

But your feelings are all about what you perceive to be a threat.

You want to learn not to “judge” critically. You will judge, but you try to judge not critically in a way that triggers your anger, your greed. You want to assess in that way. In my mind, you will need to have a very steady, almost instinctive arising of mindfulness.

[00:03:30] Cheryl: Can you explain to me the difference between perceiving, judging, and judging critically?

[00:03:37] Sis Sylvia: Perceiving is natural because the word perceiving means I “recognize” something. I label, I know what it is. That is part of perception.

In Pali, we call it (Sañña). Any data processed through your sense bases, sitting on learned memory. So your sight, your hearing, somebody’s voice, sound, what I smell, taste, touch, and of course there is mind.

But any of these data process through your sense bases, you recognize, you know, you label it. That is perception. It is a function of the mind. That’s all. It enables you to recognize what’s there. You recognize it. Once you recognize, you must decide what to do with it. It’s a mechanical thing. When you recognize, because it sits on learned memory, the memory you had of whatever is pleasant. You recognize it, delight will arise.

[00:04:49] Cheryl: Naturally.

[00:04:51] Sis Sylvia: Naturally. It is natural because it literally sits on learned memory, otherwise you won’t recognize it.

Anyone, born after the smart devices come into play, you’re born after that, you live your world through that, you will not know how to use a dial phone. You look at a dial, the rotary phone, you won’t know what to do with it.

You will see numbers and you say, what is this about?

In fact, the other day I saw a little TikTok thing where the father was trying to tell the the daughter. “Use it. Call this number.”

The daughter doesn’t know, she doesn’t recognize it.

In her memory, there isn’t such a device. If you had not had an experience with something, you won’t recognize it? In your perception, there’s nothing there. Now that is perception. In the perception, there will be feelings, feelings and perception come together.

In the arising, the perception you recognize, then there is a strong feeling, strong pleasant, strong painful, unpleasant. If it’s neutral, you will not remember, but if it’s strong pleasant or strong painful, you will remember, and then you will store it as good or bad, desirable, not desirable.

I want more of this. Or I don’t want that. All this will come with it. So when you look at something, immediately, instinctively, undesirable, I don’t like it, this must go away. Then you’re judging critically. That’s when you’re critical.

When you are “judging”, “assessing”, is this to my benefit or not? How does this help me or not? Or is it going to be harmful? That instinct is natural. You want this instinct to stop or halt or not be so quick. You need to have mindfulness. The mindfulness is not about outside. It’s about inside.

Mindful of your feeling, mindful of how your mind leaps to conclusion, mindful of how your mind wants to make decision, wants to react, mindful of that part, not mindful of what is out there. I’m mindfully looking at this person walking. No, no, it’s not that. It’s mindfully looking at your mind and your feeling and your commentary on what’s going on out there.

Stop being critical, stop” judging” negatively with anger. You have to watch your feeling, you have to see that it is detached and so it is neutral. The feeling is neutral. There is no arising of strong feelings. You just watch it.

You’re mindfully watching how the feeling stays neutral. If there is an arising of unpleasant, you don’t go look at the object out there. You look at the feeling and look at perception. Why is it unpleasant? If you can, because you’re mindful, you will switch it to wholesome, to compassion.

This is changing your own narratives because when you see something unpleasant, the instinct is to judge harshly, to say, this fellow is not nice. He’s being mean. He’s being cruel.

Your anger will engage because fight or flight. It is a human instinct, but you don’t want that to happen. You want to be of help, you have to change the narrative into something positive. Mindfulness enables you to turn it into something positive, more constructive. You will say to yourself, “This person has a bad day. This person is in a lot of pain. I don’t want to add to his pain. I engage him, there will be pain all around. Anger all around. I don’t want to do that.” One way of talking is using mindfulness.

You can use any of the wholesome mental states, but you must convert it. You must convert to a wholesome mental state. You can convert using patience, Metta, faith.

The Buddha’s Dhamma says to always extend friendliness, to not give in to this anger and agitation. The Buddha remind us that we will live and die. Everything is impermanent. Mortality is real. So when you have this kind of reflection, you are able to remind yourself, keep cool, keep detached, don’t get engaged.

Mortality is very powerful and this one is using wisdom and faith. Why this is wisdom and faith?

If I believe in the Dhamma, I want to call myself his disciple. I totally say I am his disciple.

If you want your teacher to be proud of you, you cannot just give in to your craziness. Your teacher will be proud of you if he knows that you have tried your best to practice in accordance with his Dhamma. His Dhamma says avoid evil, do good, purify mind.

Then you say, okay, I must purify my mind. I will not react. That is through faith.

Through wisdom, the teacher says that you need to keep reflecting on mortality, impermanence. I will grow old, I will fall sick, I will die, and I will be separated from the people I love. The only thing I bring along is my Kamma.

Your daily reflection will change, it will start to shift your instinct.

[00:10:27] Sis Sylvia: Think about yourself having been diagnosed with end stage cancer.

If you’re in that state, you think you’ll be petty? You think you’ll fight back?

[00:10:36] Cheryl: No, because I could die any moment.

[00:10:39] Sis Sylvia: You will die any moment. The Buddha himself said, it’s very powerful. It will be of great benefit to you if you do this five reflections.

You will reflect on the five themes. You go to bed, you say thank you for one more day of life. If tomorrow I wake up, I will remember to honor the Buddha by doing good, by walking the Dhamma path. Therefore, leaning towards wholesome, leaning away from unwholesome.

It’s a reminder.

A human is wholesome. It’s because of wholesomeness that got you a human rebirth.

[00:11:17] Cheryl: But why are there so many humans who are unwholesome?

[00:11:20] Sis Sylvia: When they come into this world, they’re okay.

But over time, because of ignorance, they learn all the wrong things. They are told by the conditions around them that “You should stand up for your right.” Isn’t that what we’ve been told?

“You do not become a softy because people will bully you.” Isn’t that what we are told? Some of us will be taught, if people push you, you must push back.

You have wrong teaching around you, perpetuated by people who care for you, unfortunately. Because they care for you, they say they don’t want to see you being bullied. So their advice to you is, “Stand up for your right. Fight back.”.

I am not saying you be a wimp. I’m saying you hold the mental states and not respond.

[00:12:16] Cheryl: Can I share an example on why I think that it’s very difficult. I see my parents getting very angry. Let’s say they have the tendency to want to fight back with the neighbor, a lot of anger, a lot of hatred because they believe that’s the way to win and be strong in life.

For me, the frustration would arise because my intention is to be helpful. But then whatever that I try to teach them, it goes way past their heads.

[00:12:41] Sis Sylvia: You don’t teach.

I am serious, you don’t teach.

[00:12:43] Cheryl: Is that loving them? You let them suffer?

[00:12:46] Sis Sylvia: You don’t try and share Dhamma when a person is not ready to hear, we don’t go around and try and get another to hear us.

When you try to get someone to change, you have wanting. Therefore you are in pain. The Four Noble Truths, when you have desires, you will have (Dukkha) suffering. If you have acceptance, you will experience the cessation of (Dukkha).

We suffer because we want them to change. You don’t have to want them to change. You just have to stand by your money in case you go to pay indemnity.

In order for character change to happen, you need five conditions. And this one not said by the Buddha. I just tell you the five conditions from worldly experience. But I’m sure the Buddha will approve.

[00:13:45] Sis Sylvia: Condition one, is you must have self awareness. You don’t think you have done anything wrong. Nothing is going to work. There must be a recognition there is a problem. You recognize it. Some people recognize it, don’t want to do anything. Finish. Game’s over.

You recognize there’s a problem. You want to fix that problem. There must be a will, a desire to fix the problem. You must know the steps to fixing the problem. Then you must put in effort to fix the problem. Imagine a case, where I have self awareness. I know there’s a problem. I want to go and fix it. But I’m very lazy. I also don’t know how to do it. Nothing happens.

If I say I got a problem, I want to go and fix it, I’m going to work very hard. But I have no self awareness. I don’t know what that problem is. I already know that I think I got a problem because people don’t like me. It must be a problem. But I don’t know what it is.

Self awareness, meaning you know what is your problem. You know what you must fix. Then you want to do something about it. You want to.

I got anger management issue. I go and sign up for anger management courses. They teach you the steps. Then you learn very hard. Then you try. And that’s some days you fumble and then you give up. So the will must come in.

What’s the fifth one?

I’d say there are five, right? The fifth one is you have someone to cheer you on.

That (Kalyāṇa-mitta).

Because humans are social creatures. They can be changed for the positive, beneficial, or they can be flipped the other way. If they’re very strong will, and they have very strong moral compass, you cannot shift them. But if their will is not very strong, not very strong moral compass, a bit flimsy, a bit scary and then it will shift.

If they didn’t think they’ve done anything wrong, game’s over. You try and change them. They are going to get angry with you. You might as well just sit down there and as I said, get your money ready in case you got to pay indemnity.

Then you say, well, then what can I do? How can I help? You help by walking the path and becoming a happier successful person.

[00:16:05] Cheryl: That is a long term thing though. Like how does it help the problem?

[00:16:09] Sis Sylvia: The immediate problem will take time to solve. Now let me explain why you must be the representative of the teaching.

At some point they will realize that they are in trouble. When that will happen depends on their own wisdom. Their own awakening. When they realize that they have a problem, they will look around for a solution. If you are successful, because our material base lay world applauds success.

If you are a lay person, you want to share the Dhamma.

But people around you say that you don’t have education or your education not very high, can’t really speak very well, you get people very confused by what you’re saying. But you’re actually not bad. You’re very wholesome. They might like you as a person. They ‘re not gonna learn from you. Especially if you perceive that you’re not very successful, they won’t want to learn from you because you’re a lay person.

If you’re a Sangha, what kind of teacher you want to follow?

[00:17:14] Cheryl: Enlightened teacher.

[00:17:16] Sis Sylvia: Enlightened teacher, because the definition of success is a calm, peaceful, serene, light hearted person.

He must have got it right. This one very good. Look at how calm he is. How light he walks. Oh, I like it. But he’s Sangha.

If you’re a layperson, you try to work hard to provide for your family and all, but people find out that you’re in debt half the time.

They will still label you as not very successful. Then you have to tell them to, avoid evil, do good. Avoid evil, do good. purify your mind, but who are you to tell me? You can’t even get your act together.

You can’t even get your life together.

[00:17:56] Cheryl: Element of respect towards a lay teacher is very important.

[00:18:02] Sis Sylvia: Respect is an extremely important condition for learning. I will learn from you if I respect you. I must respect you for various things.

One is for your knowledge. Two, I must believe that you choose to walk away from wealth and material success. Even as a lay teacher, you are not poor because you fail in your profession. You lead a simple life by choice. I’ll respect you.

Humans are very judging, unfortunately. We will use all kinds of benchmarks to gauge as proxy gauge to our calculation of whether or not so and so is worthy of me following them. I’m not saying I am like this. I’m just saying that humans think like that. The Buddha said, the three kinds of people in the world, right? The fully blind, the full sighted, and the one eyed.

What is blind? You are dismal failure in your material, secular lay life. You’re dismal failure, and spiritually you have nothing. You’re blind.

[00:19:17] Sis Sylvia: If you are a roaring success in your secular life. So materially you earn a lot, buy a house, buy a car, but spiritually you run on an empty tank. Buddha said is one eye.

What is fully sighted? Full sighted. Two eyes. You’re both successful in your material secular life and spiritually you are also doing good. That’s full sighted. So you stay in a lay life. It is okay to earn a good living, provide wealth for your family and have some of the trappings of a successfully lay life.

It’s perfectly okay. Just make sure that how you earn your living didn’t cause hurt and harm to another.

[00:20:08] Cheryl: I think there are a lot of one-sighted people at the workspace. What can we do to maintain our integrity and stay steadfast in our values in environments where even the dishonest behaviors are not only prevalent, but also encouraged?

[00:20:28] Sis Sylvia: One very wrong assumption is that, You have to break precepts, like you have to tell a lie, you have to compromise on your values and principles to secure your success.

I consider that a wrong assumption, totally wrong. Let me ask you this. You have a business deal with somebody. He makes you good money, but then you found out that he cheated you. You’re going to do business with him?

[00:21:02] Cheryl: Not anymore.

[00:21:04] Sis Sylvia: Not anymore, right? The odds are a lot of people would like, I find out you cheat. I’m not going near you. And you’re going to tell people that there will be someone who will like make sure that he is caught.

Now let’s say he didn’t cheat you. But you found out that he’s a womanizer or she is unfaithful in marriage. There will be a part of you that says, he hasn’t done me any wrong, but I really don’t trust him now. So that will affect his business, right? Social standing. He’s a doctor, a lawyer, a professional.

He either siphoned some money. Or worst, all he did was caught with drunk driving, then he flashed all over the newspaper. Can you imagine how all of these is going to end up in the social media, into the newspaper, everybody having a view.

Your reputation as an honest man, you can earn less, but your principle, actually stands you in very good state.

[00:22:02] Cheryl: Why is it so common that everyone lies in the workplace?

[00:22:06] Sis Sylvia: Not common. People may or may not lie outright, but they will fudge the truth. They make it murky. The reason why people do that is either because it usually for an honest man to suddenly tell one lie, it has to do with fear. The fear can be very simple. This inconvenience, I don’t know how to deal with it, I don’t know what to say. Then it’s easier to make it vague. Because we fear, you’re afraid being scolded. You’re afraid of people telling you off, you fear losing the business.

That is fear. If you are honest, you treat people fairly and you are candid in the way that you explain things. People trust you. And once there is that trust, then you will find many doors open. Many people want to do business with you, want to engage you, want to deal with you because they know they can trust you.

Trust is extremely precious commodity. That’s the one that gets you that extra mile ahead. Not the conniving and maneuvering, playing games, fudging troops. Those are the things when you are found out, that’s it, you know. Your reputation is over. Even if it’s a very small thing, people will talk.

If you have a reputation of being fair minded, an honest broker, frank and sincere in your dealings, respectful and considerate.

He will suffer some losses, but he’s prepared to do that. This kind of people will have a very good standing. The Buddha will call it, in an assembly, he is respected. And it may be slow, but steadily, he will gain his ground. I’m very confident about this.

[00:24:11] Cheryl: Contemplate on the benefits of keeping to our five precepts, the long term benefits, in terms of this life and the next life as well.

And to really think about the drawbacks of not keeping your precepts and what happens like when your lies or your misconduct gets out in the open.

[00:24:30] Sis Sylvia: To me, five precepts is the lowest bar possible. Because five precepts in the traditional rendition of it, right, I undertake to observe, uphold, hold on to the precept of not taking life.

I undertake to observe precepts of not taking things not given. And this is all the, I will not do this wrong thing. To me as a very low bar, minimal bar, actually it should go into the flip side. I not only not take life, I will uphold, I will look after, I will protect, I will support life.

Not only it’s not about taking, it’s also about giving, being generous. It’s not just about sexual misconduct, abstaining from it, but it is to honour, respect relationship. Keeping your promises. It’s about speaking truth, being honest, in and out, in means inside here you are upright.

You’re telling yourself the truth because this one is very powerful because the practice is about seeing reality as it is, which means the mind needs to straight away the fuzziness, all those illusions and delusions of life. You’ve got to cut the natural instincts of the mind to overlook truth.

We always talk about reality as it is, but what does that mean? Seeing the impermanence of the aggregates, the (Dukkha), the suffering, seeing the (Anattā), soullessness or substance-lessness of the aggregates and the sense bases.

We go to bed at night, assuming we will wake up tomorrow. Correct.

[00:26:31] Cheryl: Yes.

[00:26:32] Sis Sylvia: Who goes to bed saying tomorrow I will be dead?

[00:26:33] Cheryl: Nobody.

[00:26:34] Sis Sylvia: One night. This is only one night which means you won’t die. Every night you go to bed, assuming you will live through, you wake up tomorrow and you live through the day.

You have this built in instinct that life is permanent. Hypothetically, you will die, but not yet. The built in instinct is you don’t see mortality. It’s a given and we are blind to it. Why is this so important? Why must you see mortality? To see mortality is to truly appreciate (Dukkha).

I already said, if you have been diagnosed with end stage cancer, you will live with death in your face, day in day out. And so therefore it is painful. Because we don’t live with death in our face because we live in delusion of immortality. Life. We can plan, we can hope, we can dream, no pain.

You take away hope, you take away dream, you take away plan. You’re only staring at death, pain. That’s why the Buddha said, if it is impermanent, is it painful or is it pleasant? You will say Painful, right? We live life blinded by dreams, blinded by hopes and ambitions. We’re blinded.

We don’t see death. You don’t see death, you can dream, you can hope, you can plan for your holiday next time, next month down the line, et cetera. Because of that, by thinking about the plan, you’re happy. So your happiness, your joy, your delight sits on plan, dreams, hopes. If death is in your face, where are the dreams and hopes and faith?

[00:28:27] Cheryl: And because we will lose everything. And because we will lose everything with death. There’s nothing that we can really bring along with us except our (Kamma) and merits.

[00:28:38] Sis Sylvia: Except your (Kamma) and your merits.

Two straightforward, simple thing, simple drivers the average person don’t think about it. They don’t see it. They live life oblivious to these two. So when I say see reality as it is. When the Buddha said there, right? (Yathā-bhūta-ñāṇa-dassana) is nothing to do with some mystical reality.

This is the reality.

[00:29:03] Cheryl: With that, we can end this episode. For our listeners, if you enjoy this episode, please give us a five stars rating, that will really help boost our viewership and listenership. We’ll see you in the next episode. Thank you and stay happy and wise.

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“Knowing the difference between solitude & loneliness”: A letter to my depressed 18-year-old self

“Knowing the difference between solitude & loneliness”: A letter to my depressed 18-year-old self

by | Sep 11, 2024 | Emotional-mastery, Read, Wellbeing

TL;DR: A heartfelt letter addresses the universal experience of loneliness, especially in social settings. This offers comfort through Buddhist teachings and modern research, emphasizing the importance of self-connection, mindfulness, and the distinction between loneliness and solitude. The letter concludes with three wise steps to cultivate inner peace and meaningful relationships.

Dear 18-year-old Self,

I see you. I see the weight of expectations pressing down on your shoulders, and the relentless need to have everything figured out. 

This pressure, this constant striving to meet your own and others’ expectations, has led you to a place of aimlessness and doubt. You feel lost when your goals remain unmet, and in these moments, loneliness wraps around you like a cold, unforgiving cloak.

Utterly Alone

I vividly remember that night in your university dorm room. The sounds of laughter and chatter filtered through the thin walls as your classmates gathered in the common area. You sat on your bed, laptop open but forgotten, staring at the door. You were surrounded by people and even friends, and yet you felt utterly alone.

You considered joining them. After all, wasn’t that what college was supposed to be about? Making friends, having fun, creating memories. But the thought of stepping into that room filled you with dread.

You knew you’d paste on a smile, laugh at the right moments, and make the appropriate small talk. But beneath it all, you’d still feel that gnawing emptiness, that disconnect. 

It wasn’t that your classmates were unkind or unwelcoming. They were good people, and on the surface, you got along well. But something was missing. The conversations never seemed to go beyond the superficial – classes, campus gossip, weekend plans. 

Something Deeper

You yearned for deeper connections, for conversations that would challenge your thoughts and stimulate your mind. You craved authenticity in a world that seemed content with the shallow and fleeting. You wanted to be understood. 

At that moment, the loneliness felt almost palpable. You could reach out and touch it, a barrier between you and the world outside your door.

You wondered if something was wrong with you. Why couldn’t you just be satisfied with what everyone else seemed to enjoy? 

Why did you always feel like you were on the outside looking in, even when you were right in the middle of things?

This experience, my dear self, is a poignant reminder that loneliness isn’t about physical isolation. It’s about emotional and intellectual connection. You can be in a room full of people and still feel profoundly alone if those connections are missing.

You aren’t alone in feeling lonely

But here’s what I want you to remember: this feeling, as isolating as it is, is more common than you think. Many others in that very room probably felt the same way, hiding behind their own masks of casual cheerfulness. 

The Buddhist teaching of dukkha reminds us that dissatisfaction and a sense of discontent are universal human experiences. As you navigate these feelings, consider also the words of the late Zen monk, Thich Nhat Hanh: “Loneliness is the ill-being of our time. We are lonely together.”

In the Samyutta Nikaya (SN 56.11), the Buddha teaches about suffering as a noble truth. He explains that being separated from what is pleasing and being united with what is unpleasing are forms of suffering. 

Your experience in that dorm room – being physically close to others but emotionally distant – is a modern manifestation of this ancient wisdom.

Loneliness & solitude

"Knowing the difference between solitude & loneliness": A letter to my depressed 18-year-old self

The funny thing that I’ve learnt over the years is that loneliness and solitude are not the same. It’s not how many people you try to fill your hours with, or the achievements, or social status that matters. Loneliness is a state of feeling disconnected. 

Solitude, however, is a chosen state of being alone, where you can find empowerment and contentment in your own company. This distinction is critical, as psychologist Netta Weinstein’s research highlights. 

This experience of loneliness, painful as it was, was also an invitation. An invitation to look inward, to understand yourself better, and to seek out the kinds of connections that truly nourish yourself. 

Her studies show that solitude can be a source of empowerment and positivity, whereas feelings of disconnection and sadness mark loneliness, and according to the US Surgeon General’s Report, it increases the risk of premature death by 50%, akin to the dangers of smoking (Rest in peace, Uncle Cheong. 12 cigs a day didn’t make you live till 90.)

It was a catalyst for growth, pushing you to explore what friendship and connection really mean to you, and more importantly, learning to find “home – a place within where you feel warm, comfortable, safe, fulfilled.” 

Going Home

"Knowing the difference between solitude & loneliness": A letter to my depressed 18-year-old self

This concept of “going home” is central to addressing loneliness. Thich Nhat Hanh teaches that “going home” means returning to the island of self through mindful breathing, sitting and walking. 

Within a few seconds, you connect with yourself. You know what is going on: what is going on in your body, what is going on in your feelings and your emotions, what is going on in your perceptions, and so on. He further explains, “By sitting down, you stop that state of being: losing yourself, not being yourself. 

Everyday you rush through life, going from one class to another, without really knowing what’s happening. Physically, you are there, but you do not know that you are there. You are alive, but it’s almost as though you do not know you are alive. And that is happening almost all day long. 

And when you sit down, you connect to yourself.” Every time we sit down on a cushion, we do so to connect with ourselves. Sitting down is an act of revolution, it is the way to heal ourselves and the collective loneliness of our society.

Your journey through loneliness is not just a personal struggle; it’s part of the greater human experience. By facing it with courage and compassion, you’re not only working towards your own healing but contributing to a more connected and compassionate world.

May you be free from suffering. May you find peace. May you know that even in your loneliest moments, you are part of something greater – there is a future ahead of you, where you will walk in solitude on a beautiful Sunday evening, taking in the sights and sounds of a lovely garden, feeling fully content, joyous and peaceful. I promise you these dark days will be over.  

I shall leave you with this final reflection: How can you connect with another person when you cannot connect with yourself?

With deep love,

Your Wiser Self (10 years later)

3 Wise Steps for anyone struggling with loneliness:

1. Practice Daily Mindfulness: Set aside time each day for mindful breathing or walking. This will help you connect with yourself and find peace within.

2. Embrace ‘solitude crafting’—intentionally planning fulfilling alone time. Use alone time for self-discovery and personal growth. Engage in activities that nurture your mind and body. Cultivate Authentic Connections: Seek out relationships that allow for deeper, more meaningful interactions. Quality matters more than quantity.

3. Seek Professional Help: If loneliness persists and impacts your well-being, consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counsellor. They can provide support and strategies to navigate through these challenging feelings.