TLDR: Brian Chang shares his experience about how maintaining mindfulness and awareness helped him avoid getting into “unlucky” situations. He also reflects on a particular “incident.”
On a sunny afternoon, as I was walking towards my local supermarket to stock up on groceries for the week, I noticed a sudden, strong, smelly odor as I was going down the escalator.
This was not usual.
I didn’t know where it came from. As soon as I reached the bottom of the escalator, I saw a fresh, huge “gold” at the end of the escalator, coming from an old man standing in front of me!
I didn’t over-react like I normally do. Instead, I maintained my awareness and carefully walked past the mess and the stains left by his footprints on my way to the supermarket.
I heaved a sigh of relief and continued with my grocery shopping.
The day just gets ‘worse’
After buying what I needed, I went back to the dormitory. Upon arrival, I realised that my card to enter the dormitory wasn’t on me!
Usually, in similar circumstances, I would start to panic. Various negative scenarios would begin to play out in my mind. But it was different this time.
I directed my mind to think of solutions to get my card back. I recollected the places I had walked past and the actions I had taken while returning to the dormitory from the supermarket. I remembered that I had taken my phone out while buying chicken at the deli and that was probably when the card had accidentally fallen out of my pocket.
I quickly walked back to the supermarket, scanning the floor for my card as I went. Thank goodness when I arrived at the deli, my card was still untouched on the floor. I picked it up and joyfully walked back to the dormitory.
A tale of two mindsets
When I got back, I compared the difference in my mental state and behaviour in this situation to my usual conduct. The following is a summary of the comparison:
Usual
This time
Would daydream while walking
Walked with mindfulness
Living in my own world, unaware of what’s happening around me
Being aware of my surroundings
The experience was abnormal. I had been practising mindfulness meditation for months, but I never expected to witness the fruition of my efforts in such a profound and unexpected moment.
I saw that having added a little bit more mindfulness made my ability to handle incidents with more peace of mind. I was not adding value judgments to situations but rather seeing things with a more balanced approach.
This prevented ‘unfortunate’ moments from becoming ‘unfortunate’ hours, days, months or even years!
Reflecting on the day
As I reflected on the incident that happened that day, I realised that with sati (mindfulness), sampajañña (awareness), and some saddhā (faith) in myself, I can achieve my desired results without any stress—or at least maintain a positive relationship with it.
Recently, I took a short course at my university regarding effective methods and tips for preparing for exams. One of the topics was about dealing with stress. A TED video on stress was shared.
From the video, I learnt that simply believing that stress is not harmful can reduce the risk of dying, as stress actually helps the body prepare for more challenging tasks. For more information about dealing with stress, you may watch Kelly McGonigal’s TED talk: How to make stress your friend.
So, I can use sampajañña to recognise when I am stressed and notice the negative thoughts associated with it. Then, I can apply sati and a positive perception of stress to change my relationship with it and stop the negative proliferation of thoughts, helping me overcome difficulties without feeling like I’m “dying.” The best of both worlds!
The incident with the old man pooping uncontrollably in public also made me reflect on the nature of impermanence. I may be young now, but one day, I too will be like the old man. Unable to control my bowels or my body.
This reminded me of King Koravya, a king during the Buddha’s time, who quizzed Buddha’s disciple, Rattapala, on why he was ordained when young. The famous dialogue showed that even the rich and powerful aren’t spared from ageing.
“And what do you think, great king: Are you even now as strong in arm and strong in thigh, as fit, and as seasoned in warfare?”
“Not at all, Master Ratthapala. I’m now a feeble old man, aged, advanced in years, having come to the last stage of life, 80 years old. Sometimes, thinking, ‘I will place my foot here,’ I place it somewhere else.”
“It was in reference to this, great king, that the Blessed One who knows and sees, worthy and rightly self-awakened, said: ‘The world is swept away. It does not endure.’ Having known and seen and heard this, I went forth from the home life into homelessness.”
Impermanence in student life
I recently felt the impact of impermanence in my own life.
During the semester, I was planning my to-do lists with my roommate so that we wouldn’t get bored during the winter break. Just as I was fantasising about our good times after the final exams, one day, he suddenly told me that he had decided to go back to Vietnam during the break. He couldn’t handle the gloomy days of winter anymore.
In my mind, I had expected that we would do meaningful things together. However, plans do not always keep up with changes. Some things are beyond our control.
A good learning experience on impermanence. The learning experience doesn’t always have to involve death—it can also be about the little things in our daily lives.
Wise Steps:
Try to maintain mindfulness and awareness in daily life.
Recognise your negative thoughts and learn how to develop a positive relationship with them through mindfulness.
Use the thought of impermanence as a trigger to practise awareness and mindfulness in daily life.
In this episode of Handful of Leaves, Venerable Sumangala shares insights on the practice of letting go and renunciation, emphasising the importance of inner transformation and understanding suffering. She explains how letting go of attachment to ego and external perceptions leads to true freedom and happiness, while still pursuing goals with a balanced approach.
About the Speaker
Venerable Sumaṅgalā Therī is the Abbess of Ariya Vihara Buddhist Society and is an advisor of Gotami Vihara Society in Malaysia. She is one of the recipients of the 23rd Anniversary Outstanding Women Awards (OWBA) 2024, in honour of the United Nations International Women’s Day.
She holds a B.A. in Psychology and in 1999, she completed her M.A. in Industrial and Organizational Psychology, both from Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia. Furthering her academic and spiritual education, Ven. Sumaṅgalā Therī obtained an M.A. in Philosophy (Buddhism) from the International Buddhist College, Thailand in 2011.
Her formal journey into monastic life began in 2005 when she left the household life to become an Anagarika at the age of 19. Her ordination as a Dasasil (akin to a Sāmaṇerī) took place in November 2008 under the sacred Sri Mahābodhi at Bodhgaya, India. On 21 June 2015, she took her higher ordination under the guidance of preceptor Ven. B. Sri Saranankara Nāyaka Mahāthera – the Chief Judiciary Monk of Malaysia, and bhikkhuni preceptor-teacher Ayya Santinī Mahātherī of Indonesia.
In 2015, she pioneered the formation and registration of Ariya Vihara, Malaysia’s first Theravāda Bhikkhunī Nunnery and Dhamma Training Centre. In 2019, she received a government allocated land for the building of the project with construction to commence in the first half of 2025.
Key Takeaways
Letting Go of Ego
True liberation comes from letting go of the ego and not creating more attachments to identity, fame, or success.
Understanding Suffering
The Four Noble Truths guide us to understand that suffering is a result of attachment, and by letting go of desire, we can end suffering.
Balancing Desire and Detachment
Achieving goals and success is natural, but it is important to not become attached to the outcome. Focus on the process and the wellbeing of others.
Transcript
Full Transcript
[00:00:00] Venerable Sumangala: If we live by how other people perceive us, we never live our life.
[00:00:06] Cheryl: Welcome to the Handful of Leaves podcast.
[00:00:08] Cheryl: My name is Cheryl, and today I have a surprise guest host joining me, Soon.
[00:00:14] Soon: Hi everyone. it’s good to be here.
[00:00:18] Cheryl: So today we have a very interesting topic, which is called letting go of becoming. And sometimes the practice is described as going against the flow. And living in the material society seems to be opposite from the peace and zen of the spiritual practice. It’s a lot of becoming to do, milestones to achieve.
[00:00:39] Cheryl: So join me with my co-host, Soon, as we find out about we can balance letting go with the gettings, achieving and becomings of the world. We will speak to Venerable Sumangala, who is a fully ordained nun of 10 vassas to learn more. She is also the president of Ariya Vihara Buddhist Society, Malaysia’s first Theravada (add b-rolls) Bhikkuni Nunnery and Dhamma Training Center, and she is also an advisor to Gotami Vihara Society in Malaysia.
[00:01:09] Cheryl: Welcome, Venerable Sumangala.
[00:01:11] Venerable Sumangala: Thank you.
[00:01:12] Cheryl: You’ve mentioned in previous interviews about your journey on why you became a nun, and one quote that really struck my heart was that you said, when one has a glimpse into the noble truths, it is natural for one to be a renunciant in the Sangha rather than wanting to become a nun.
[00:01:32] Cheryl: Can you please share more on this?
[00:01:34] Venerable Sumangala: Actually from the question itself, we can see there are a few keywords. First is renunciation and then the wanting. Renunciation, in Buddhism is not just about giving up material things, but it’s actually an internal transformation. It’s an internal transformation rooted in insight, means something you have seen directly into the nature of reality. This nature of reality in common word, we say suffering. But I think if we look deeply is the constant change of everything. And also there’s an end to that. To an end to suffering. So when one actually deeply understands the 4 Noble Truths, seeing there is suffering in our life, not life is suffering, yeah? So two different things. There is suffering. So this suffering doesn’t exist by itself. There is a cause to suffering. So if you know the cause, then if you can eliminate the cause, then of course there’s no suffering. So therefore there’s an end to suffering. There’s a way, a gradual training that we can practice that can end our suffering. Because most of us, what we look forward is to be happy, to be free.
[00:02:46] Venerable Sumangala: So we must know how to get there. And the Buddha has provided us this path. Renunciation means we let go attachment and desire more easily when we understand this. True renunciation stems from wisdom and insight in the nature of suffering and working towards ending that suffering. But where else when we want to become, then it is suffering itself because we are actually attached to the idea of identity, fame, and name.
[00:03:20] Venerable Sumangala: And so therefore, it is so important that when we seek for something, the practice is very important. The inner transformation is very important so that we truly see the reality. And then from there, I think renunciation will take its own place. So true liberation actually comes from letting go of the ego, not creating more ego. We may aspire, but then the working on it, the practice is very important.
[00:03:48] Soon: Thank you Venerable Sumangala for that sharing. We are just curious, what’s the most difficult thing that you have let go of and was there any insights and wisdom that helped you, “Okay, it’s time to let go.”
[00:04:00] Venerable Sumangala: At that time actually for me is just to make my mother feel comfortable, but the spirit in my heart is actually burning to be very firm that, you know, that will be my path. One of the learnings that I have about this letting go and from lay life and how people view about life and renunciation too. So, for example, last time when I was still a layperson, I went for a pilgrimage tour to India. And we have this opportunity to shave, and that time I think it was still quite new. That was around 2003.
[00:04:34] Venerable Sumangala: Before that I have the idea of shaving and I used to take my long hair and look at a mirror to see how I looked like. But then when the opportunity came, I kind of hesitated. Because at that time I’m a branch manager and it’s very near to New Year. I’ll be meeting a lot of people, a lot of social function, and then how could I probably answer people, right? So the first thought is that, should I, should I not? Second time again, I was still pondering, but then suddenly my friend told me, she said, “I think you will shave”. I started to reflect. It’s because I’m looking at how people look at me after I shave, so that deterred me. But then interestingly, after the shaving, when I came back to Malaysia, I learned a lot about perception, about ego.
[00:05:26] Venerable Sumangala: First thing when my neighbor met me, she looked very taken aback, something must have happened to me, so I greet them as usual. Good morning, she answer back. And then when I go to the office, I dressed as usual with a bald head. And my executive was very shocked. And then business partners, suppliers, they get very shocked too, because in their thinking, is that what happened to Ms Ong at that time?
[00:05:54] Venerable Sumangala: And for business people, we love sensual pleasures, entertainments. So by looking at that, they will think that people who shave, maybe something shocking happened to their life or traumatic, whether they have gone out of their mind a little bit, or they heartbroken or they have something that’s wrong.
[00:06:14] Venerable Sumangala: When my bosses, we have dinner and then they bring their wife. The first thing they ask me, they say, “miss Ong, since when you are so bold, you know, fashion”. Because they’re into fashion, so their perception is about fashion. So it is very cool, you know with the bald head.
[00:06:31] Venerable Sumangala: And then my boss, “why you shave your hair?” Because for him he has only little hair on his head. So everyday he has a comb and combs to cover his head, and there you are with very nice hair and then you just shave and then get bald. So he wished me, I wish you know your hair grow fast.
[00:06:49] Venerable Sumangala: Actually many different responses. And when I met one uncle in a supermarket, and he approached me, he said, “oh, sister, is your hair related to Buddhism?” I said yes. Then I told him that I went for a pilgrimage and then I didn’t know him and he didn’t know me, and he asked me, “would you like to come to my house?
[00:07:11] Venerable Sumangala: I have a Guanyin of about 500 years old. Would you like to come and have a look?” and there are other people, they shave and when they go back, the mother actually give them a house arrest, thinking that they will go forth, so they just lock them up.
[00:07:26] Venerable Sumangala: Everywhere they go, they follow. And I reflect back. It’s just a haircut, but can you see how people respond? If they think of sickness, they will think that they’re sick. If they’re into fashion, they think you are so cool. And then if they don’t have that, like, my boss the hair is so little and then they see, aiyo, why you give up your hair? So you can see actually how we perceive, how we live by other people’s perceptions.
[00:07:50] Venerable Sumangala: And I think the understanding that I have is that if we live by how other people perceive us, we never live our life. In understanding the truth, I think this is a very important thing because we always have that ego and that ego seeks to be validated by others. So how are we going to find peace and happiness?
[00:08:10] Venerable Sumangala: So letting go oneself, I think is the best of letting go because you no need to hold on to the idea of our self, an identity or image to be taken care all the time because of how other people perceive you, not how you are actually,
[00:08:29] Cheryl: I’m just thinking how we can integrate that into the daily life.
[00:08:35] Cheryl: Most people spend most of the time building their careers, so that identity also become very entrenched in what they achieve, the successes and failures that they bring. How can one practice letting go?
[00:08:46] Venerable Sumangala: Letting go, it’s not about abandoning everything. Letting go is internal insight that sees the true reality of what is. Let go of gripping on something or idea or attachment to an outcome.
[00:09:02] Venerable Sumangala: We keep thinking about the outcome or the success. When we have this idea, it makes us feel very tight and tense and stressed. Everything we do needs desire. Can you see when a person is sick, they don’t have any desire, then nothing happens, right? That in our normal life, even desire is a path under the four roads of success, or ways of success. The first one is chanda, means you must have the aspiration. So in this way, we have a duty to be done because we are still a human. We need to work for our bowl of rice. And therefore we must have the drive.
[00:09:41] Venerable Sumangala: Yeah. We must have the drive to do something which is in accordance to right livelihood. Letting go doesn’t mean we don’t do anything or we give up everything and then become a person who’s like redundant. No, we still have desire, we still do good things. We still also have our goal to be achieved. Let’s say if you are worker, we are paid to do our duty well. So the Buddha also advised us, we perform our duty to the best of our ability, skills. Therefore from there, I think it will lead to good result. And from the good result, it’ll be commensurated with legitimate reward. So it is a natural process.
[00:10:23] Venerable Sumangala: There is an order. For even work, for achieving wellbeing, our wealth. So all those need our desire to work well. But that desire doesn’t lead us to attachment. For example, in the company, and we start to have this idea, “I want to be promoted”. Yeah, the word “I want to”– “I”, the identity is there, “you want”.
[00:10:46] Venerable Sumangala: And so when we do that, then it’ll cause us a lot of stress. When I was working, after five years they interviewed me, “what do you think you will become three years from now?” You know what I write there? I said, “to be happy and to make others happy.” That’s all that, right? Right. That was what I think important in life.
[00:11:08] Venerable Sumangala: But when I work after five years, they have promoted me to become a branch manager. I contributed my part, my knowledge, my skill. I do it well. I do my best. It doesn’t mean that my desire for success is not there, but it’s just that I’m not attached to it, and the process is more important. We already set the goal, then we work on the way to achieve that goal.
[00:11:34] Venerable Sumangala: Then we just let that be the goal, because as we work on it, the goal is coming, the results are coming. We don’t keep thinking about the goal, (but) not doing the part or the necessary actions to achieve the goal. And secondly, in the process of achieving the goal, always remember that we work in harmony. Sometimes we want to achieve the goal, we forget about the process. So the people that work with us, we don’t care. We just want to achieve the goal. So we push them, we stress them out. Then achieve the result is not as what we think. We must always think our wellbeing and the wellbeing of others, and together we can achieve it.
[00:12:13] Cheryl: Letting go is not laziness. And I think you also really embody that, even as a monastic right now where you have so many projects, that you’re running, being the Bhikkuni Training Center and the Gotami Vihara Society. Would you be able to share an example how you are able to go of the outcome while still having that desire to progress the development of female monastics?
[00:12:41] Venerable Sumangala: Actually when I embarked on this path, I felt that monastic life would be the best in continuing this journey. At the same time, then I realized that I have the ability and capacity to also share and to help others who are keen on this path.
[00:12:58] Venerable Sumangala: So in the past, we will have to search on our own. Because we know that the Bhikkhuni revival took place in 1996, so it’s still very, very young, about 20 over years. And I think the best part of it is our lead chief. He’s one of the senior monks who has took his compassionate duty to make this happen in the world.
[00:13:22] Venerable Sumangala: So we are very fortunate in Malaysia in a way that we have a senior monk that who is well known, very respected, who took this path to establish the four fold assembly again. In the past, we only have three. Now we have four back as what the Buddha has set up. People sometimes ask me, “Venerable. Are you not stressed? There’s so many things that’s ongoing.” Sometimes I reflect that when we need to prepare, then we look at the capacity first. When I see that, when my capacity is able to cover additional things for the wellbeing of others, then I think it’s time to execute. Then I will do it.
[00:14:00] Venerable Sumangala: We start with like Ariya Rainbow Kidz program for family Dhamma education. Then we have more people and more capacity. Then I train some of them to also help out. And then after that, then I extend for retreats, then longer retreats and then camps, and then to now Ariya monastic and laity training program.
[00:14:21] Venerable Sumangala: We also look into that because the whole Malaysia, we don’t have any center specifically for the Bhikkhuni. So without a Bhikkhuni center, without a sīmā, then we would not be able to have this capacity to provide the proper way of renunciation and also for the training. Yeah. So it is so important.
[00:14:43] Venerable Sumangala: So the lead chief actually told me that in order for the Bhikkhuni order to flourish, we must have a training center for them, and we must organize a proper training program for the Bhikkhunis. You need to have somebody to lead, and then you mobilize other people to come together. Those like-minded people who also seek for this kind of practice.
[00:15:02] Venerable Sumangala: We are also very fortunate in a way that some of the Bhikkhu Sangha, they all come to also guide us, support us rejoicing with our good development and practice. Yeah, so don’t attach to it, do your best, and when a thing comes, we just pick it up. And then after it’s finished, then we go to the next. Rejoicing with every good things that we do, bring us a lot of energy and happiness.
Special thanks to our sponsors:
Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña, Shuo Mei, Arif, Bernice, Wee Teck, Andrew Yam, Kan Rong Hui, Wei Li Quek, Shirley Shen, Ezra, Joanne Chan, Hsien Li Siaw, Gillian Ang, Wang Shiow Mei, Ong Chye Chye, Melvin, Yoke Kuen, Nai Kai Lee, Amelia Toh, Hannah Law
Editor and transcriber of this episode:
Hong Jia Yi, Ang You Shan, Tan Si Jing, Bernice Bay, Cheryl Cheah
TLDR: From my retreat, I have realised how to stop getting in the way of myself and how to support myself in my spiritual journey by diving deeper and contrasting what the Buddha and society defines as happiness.
Before the retreat, I was feeling trapped with so much anger, ill-will, and desires – all nicely wrapped up in a package and delivered to me.
I didn’t know what to do with it, and understandably, I ended up blaming the people around me or myself instead. As you would have guessed, it did not help me feel any better.
During the second day of our retreat, Sis Sylvia Bay, an esteemed Dhamma practitioner, gave us a crash course in the basics of Buddhist teachings. At the end of the session, I remembered writing in my notebook: “I see the light”.
You see, so many of us are caught in the day-to-day hustle and bustle with no time to reflect on whether we are doing things that truly reflect our values or who we aspire to be.
And even if we did, the beliefs that we hold as human beings, mainly about what makes us happy – are often distorted and inaccurate due to societal conditioning. We think that we know what makes us happy.
But when we put in the time, effort, and money to pursue it, we start to realise that it does not bring us as much happiness as we think it would. Perhaps that happiness was short-lived, or we realised it was not what we thought it to be. Perhaps there was happiness, but there were also stresses that came out of it.
And so, we may ask ourselves… Why does happiness feel so elusive?
It’s like a baby, desperately trying to get our attention, and at the same time, easily wavered and attracted to shiny, fancy items in the external world.
It is constantly moving and on the lookout for the next thing it could attach itself to, so that pleasure can be maximised.
But at what cost?
Like a parent who struggles with a baby, frustration and agitation arise when we can’t seem to control our minds. It doesn’t help that in this modern day and age, there are simply too many things fighting for our attention – be it at shopping malls, or on social media. This can add fuel to the fire, making it harder for our minds to rest.
“Choose Your Dukkha Wisely”
During the retreat, there was a joke going around about how this phrase should be printed on future Daywa shirts: “Choose your Dukkha Wisely”, as shared by my Dhamma friend, Heng Xuan.
What does it mean to choose our dukkha wisely?
“Dukkha” refers to the suffering/unsatisfactoriness that plagues us as human beings, which comes in the form of unsatisfactoriness and unhappiness in life.
According to the Buddha, the cause of dukkha is craving (2nd noble truth). Each time we want something, be it an object, an accolade, an affirmation, or even simply wanting people to like us… These would ultimately lead to suffering because we have the wrong view that these things are permanent and we rely on them to give us happiness.
Growing up, we chase what society tells us is “good for you“, be it good grades, a job promotion, lots of money, a big house, etc.
How many times have we heard stories of people chasing all of these in the corporate world, only to realise that the happiness it brings is not only transient but unreliable?
How many times have we heard of stories that also shared about how living a life that is true to our values and doing what we love is likely to bring us contentment and happiness, despite “having less”?
As I listened to the Dhamma sharing by Sis Sylvia, it suddenly dawned upon me that such. is. life.
This is the human condition and traits of the existence of life.
As humans, we are born with seeds of desires, lust, anger, ill will, and perhaps hatred. We are conditioned by society to think, act, and behave in a certain way since young. As a result, we may be unknowingly watering these seeds without the awareness that it inevitably brings us dukkha.
We think that having more brings us happiness, so we frantically purchase items online when it’s 1/1 or 11/11. We think that we have to be right, and so we try to disprove another’s opinion when it differs from our own. We dislike people who dislike us or do not respect us.
And yet, as humans, we are also born with seeds of goodness. Seeds of compassion, metta (loving-kindness), generosity, and a sense of conscience guide us along this path. Or perhaps, as Buddhists, we can think of it as getting in touch with our bodhicitta and living out the qualities of the Buddha.
So how to choose our Dukkha Wisely? Stay tuned for Part II
Wise Steps:
Understand the nature of our minds
Tame the mind through Dhamma learning and meditation
Be patient and gentle with yourself through this journey
In this podcast episode, Jeraldine, a top tech sales leader and content creator, shares her journey of navigating unfair criticism and how she has learned to manage it constructively. She discusses a particularly painful experience when she was unfairly compared to another woman in an online forum based on appearance, leading her to question her self-worth. Over time, Jeraldine has developed strategies to manage criticism, maintain self-esteem, and practice forgiveness. She emphasises the importance of emotional regulation, loving-kindness, and cultivating healthy relationships in response to negative feedback. Jeraldine also shares insights on how to balance personal growth with standing up for oneself.
About the Speaker
Jeraldine Phneah is a Singaporean tech sales professional and content creator, passionate about helping others become the best versions of themselves in their careers, finances, health, and relationships. Through her own journey, she shares practical, actionable solutions to alleviate the pressures of modern life. Listed as one of LinkedIn’s Top Voices in Singapore, Jeraldine has been featured in prominent media outlets such as Channel News Asia, Dollars & Sense, and Her World. She has also spoken at high-profile events, including the YWLC/Grab Future Women Leaders Forum 2022, E27 Echelon Asia Summit 2023, and the Endowus Wealthtech Conference 2023. In her professional role, Jeraldine works at an AI SaaS startup, where she focuses on scaling their business across the APAC region.
Key Takeaways
Criticism Can Be a Tool for Growth:
Jeraldine reflects on how to use criticism as a means of personal growth rather than letting it undermine your self-esteem. Instead of reacting impulsively, she suggests acknowledging your emotions, reflecting on the core message of the feedback, and deciding whether it holds value for self-improvement. Healthy self-esteem is essential for navigating criticism without losing your sense of self.
The Power of Loving-Kindness and Forgiveness:
One of Jeraldine’s learning point is the practice of extending loving-kindness even toward those who criticise or hurt us. She shares the importance of forgiveness, not as a sign of weakness, but as a way to release personal suffering and foster emotional well-being. By detaching from emotions and empathising with others, she is able to better maintain peace in the face of unfairness.
Building Resilience Through Relationships:
Jeraldine underscores the role of supportive relationships in building resilience against criticism. Close friends and family help provide a grounding perspective, buffer against negative feedback, and offer constructive advice. This network helps maintain a balanced view of yourself, preventing you from internalizing harmful opinions from others.
Transcript
Full Transcript
[00:00:00] I was putting all this effort to research, to write, to create, like, good content and then people will just focus on like, is she pretty or not.
[00:00:10] There are two types of people, those who let criticism crush them and those who use it as fuel. Today, you’ll learn how to become the second type. Imagine waking up to find strangers on the internet debating on whether you’re attractive enough to deserve success. This happened to my guest last year.
[00:00:29] She’s a top tech sales leader and content creator who thought she was prepared for everything, until a single forum post changed everything. But this isn’t just another story about internet hate. In this video, you’ll learn how to reframe your critics, stop emotional spirals, and find valuable lessons in forgiveness.
[00:00:49] This conversation changed how I view criticism forever. I think it might do the same for you. Hello, welcome to the Handful of Leaves podcast. My name is Cheryl, the host of the podcast. If you look around us, we are in a very beautiful studio and this is called the Thought Partners Studio. So I’ll share a little bit more about this studio.
[00:01:09] This is all about fostering creativity and wellness in a workspace designed for growth. From yoga sessions to art exhibitions, Thought Partners offers a space where innovation thrives. So you can come here to book a studio, use it for whatever needs that you want. Yeah, and check out their website.
[00:01:27] And today I have Jeraldine who will be our guest. My name is Jeraldine. I create content around growth and specifically on topics such as wealth, health, and relationships. Can you share with us a fun fact about yourself? I guess what many people do not know about me is that my day job is actually in the software as a service sector where I do sales.
[00:01:48] I interned at a Hong Kong news outlet and worked in Hong Kong for a while as well. I wanted a job that gave me a certain level of autonomy and freedom while being able to fulfil the wealth part of it. So today we are talking about unfairness. Yeah. I think I would love to understand what is unfairness to you and specifically to what extent you would consider something is unfair.
[00:02:13] I guess, wow, this is the first time I’ve been asked this question about what unfairness is. A common definition would be more like you did something with the expectation of something in return but then that was not what was given to you. Okay, would you be able to share a specific moment where you felt people were unfair to you in terms of their criticism?
[00:02:34] You know, the most memorable one is actually a forum post. They put me and another woman side by side to compare, like, who is prettier. Wow. And I think at that point in time, I felt really unhappy because I was putting all this effort to research, to write, to create like good content and then people will just focus on like, “Is she pretty or not?”.
[00:02:53] Of course, I am not unrealistic to think that like, appearance doesn’t play a part in anything in life. In fact, I feel that, you know, personal grooming is really, but for it to have such a massive weightage at that point in time, was something that I was unhappy with. Yeah, and that set me on a road to, a insecure kind of like path, right?
[00:03:12] Because I will constantly be afraid of and self conscious about how I look like. I changed the way I dress and I even adjusted my voice to be able to speak in a tonality that is much lower versus like what it originally sounded like. So all these changes that I adjusted to make was hopefully to be more presentable to the public and I did my best for it.
[00:03:34] And even so, I still got criticisms in the end and that made me realize that like, hey, there’s no way to please everyone. Oh, yeah. There’s no way to please every single person. We still get a lot of our validation, our self esteem from what other people say. How do you manage the balance between pleasing others and finding the inner strength?
[00:03:53] I guess it begins first with the mindset, right? Of viewing yourself not as something that is a fixed individual, a fixed identity, someone that is growing and evolving, you know? So when you receive criticism, the first instinct is to disregard it entirely, like, and to react emotionally.
[00:04:12] Yes. But what I would like to do is, of course, first acknowledge that, hey, there is unhappy feelings when I receive criticisms like this. Because nobody likes to receive criticism, right? We love the praise. We hate the blame. Yes, correct. But this is an inevitable part of life. Recognising my emotions is the first step.
[00:04:32] And then secondly, look at the message, try to distill it down beyond the emotional writing to what is the core message really about. Then reflect on it and determine like, hey, to what extent, you know, is this really true? Like for instance, when I receive bad comments that I was fat-shaming other people, I really had a long think about it.
[00:04:55] And I read through my content in detail to try to understand, like, was there any part that I could have written better? So that, that reflection is a very important step. So this balancing, like the message you receive, right, and thinking about how you can be a better person. But at the same time, there’s also a fundamental layer of self esteem that I believe that everyone should strive to have, especially if you are a creator, because without that, you would end up not having boundaries and just like cave into whatever people want. What does a healthy self esteem mean to you? A healthy self esteem in this particular context means that you are able to hear criticisms, right?
[00:05:34] Acknowledge them, reflect upon it. You know, and determine or not whether this is something that is good for you or not, and then act on it accordingly. How to go about doing that, that’s something that only you can give yourself. First of all, acknowledging your own strengths. And I guess for me personally, that’s something that I’m still working on, right?
[00:05:55] Acknowledging my own strengths, building up that whole “What am I good at? What makes me a good person”, for example. And then, of course, the second part of it is to cultivate healthy relationships that can continually give you that feedback. So that would help you recognise that, hey, there’s a reality of the world that I live in with my close friends and family that is different from what is outside.
[00:06:15] And they can also provide that grounding factor as well that reminds you of who you are without all of this branding image. Yes, correct. Relationship is a, I would say it’s a buffer because they amplify your happiness during good times, right? Like I feel happy when my friends attend my panels, you know, and help me to do filming and all that.
[00:06:36] And that really elevates the happiness of being on stage. At the same time, they are also a strong buffer against criticism. Let’s say for example, the criticism is like, they hit you with 100 points for example. But because you have the support of your friends and family, you can actually drastically reduce them because you have people to talk to who can nurture you, who can give you that kind of like love, protection and also feedback as well.
[00:07:01] Yes. And I want to dive a little bit deeper into that. Especially I think on the first point that you shared on, you know, just managing your emotions, when you first receive all of these things. What are the steps that you take to try to regulate your emotions? I remind myself every time I react on emotions, right?
[00:07:21] It’s always a very bad idea. Like I will regret the things that I say. So I remind myself to take a break first. At the same time, it’s also important to detach from the feeling of emotion. So you recognise that, hey, there is grief. There is like unhappiness. There is stress. There’s frustration. But you don’t like take that as part of you.
[00:07:42] Recognise that it’s a passing emotion. Because as with every feeling, they will come and then they will go, just like the waves. And just to add on to that, you know, the Buddha teaches the four foundations of mindfulness, and one of the first foundation is actually the mindfulness of the body.
[00:07:56] So whenever we feel, for example, frustration building up, we can pay attention to the sensations, like where is it in your chest? How are you? How’s your face feeling? The temperature rising and that helps us to become, like you mentioned, a little bit distant or detached, rather than being completely caught up in the emotions.
[00:08:16] Yeah. And I think another very cool tip: the Buddha also shares that, you know, whenever people are being unkind to us, what we can do is to maintain a mind of loving kindness. So what that means is that we still wish for ourselves to be well, to be at ease, and then wishing the person to still be kind and happy as well.
[00:08:37] Yeah, and there’s a monk that also shared that actually the people that give us feedback, they are giving us the best gift. When you take the time to evaluate how can I improve, what is relevant. Then that is really a gift for yourself to become a better person. I think what we generally love is that, cause like, you know, we’re not deities, right?
[00:09:00] We love praise. We hate blame. So sometimes we may unconsciously surround ourselves with people who tell us what we want to hear. Yes. And then we will never grow. Yeah. So when we have someone who’s courageous enough to come and tell you, “you suck!”. Then we’ll be like, “thank you. Why?” Just a couple of weeks ago, I had like a feedback session with my boss about what’s working, what’s not working and… Sounds stressful.
[00:09:25] And I think the feedback he gave me about how I can communicate better was definitely something that was very valuable. I started to apply. Yeah. Because after he told me about the things I need to improve, I came up with like an action plan, right? But there are things that I can do to make steps in that right direction.
[00:09:42] And after applying those tips for a few weeks or so, I did see some positive feedback from other people. Your second point about having a loving kindness towards someone who is giving you that feedback is also very valid because if it comes from a good place, that person is actually taking the courage to risk even like your relationship, right?
[00:10:03] To share with you something that is really important and that shows you how much they care. And if it comes from a bad place, like they’re just like an angry person online trying to hurt you and all that, you have to also extend the kindness towards them because it is not… if someone is not hurting, they won’t hurt others.
[00:10:21] So similarly, if someone who is angry, unpleasant, the people around them may not like them very much. They also have to endure their own harsh inner critic that will always be popping up at themselves as well. So hence, we can develop that loving kindness by expanding our perspective to see that they are actually hurting by being mean and unkind.
[00:10:43] So yeah, yeah. And while we maintain loving kindness towards people, I’m also curious about your thoughts on this. How do you know when to let things go and balance that with standing up for yourself? I guess the first thing is really to look at the validity of the criticism itself. Like to what extent is this true?
[00:11:06] So for example, in my recent feedback with my boss, I felt that a lot of the things that he did share were true and accurate, which prompted me to quickly take action to resolve them. And the second thing that I care about is does this criticism come from a person that is worthy to give it.
[00:11:23] So the Buddha said that, you know, when we want to share criticism with others, the first thing that we want to do is to check ourselves. Do we have the faults that we want to criticise the person for? Then the second thing is about the timeliness. So when do we tell the person? Whether they are very emotional, very upset, or you tell them at a point where, you know, they have calmed down a little bit and they become more receptive as well.
[00:11:46] Then the third piece is, of course, is it based on truthfulness, whether you’re saying based on facts or your perception. Because facts and perception can be wildly different, especially when we’re coloured by whatever biases that we have towards the person. The tone that we share to the person, because when you mention intention, right, sometimes intention we really cannot tell.
[00:12:10] But one way that we can also know is through the way, the gentleness, which they convey the message, right? Are they using a kind tone, a gentle tone, or are they like, you know, a kind of point finger tone? So, that’s one way. And then the final way is whether it’s beneficial or not. Right. So it aligns very much with what you say, like you check yourself, you do your own self awareness and say, Hmm, will it really help me to improve?
[00:12:35] That’s why I think there’s a lot of wisdom which aligns with the Buddha’s teaching that you shared and that’s amazing. So we’ll move on to one final part of about maybe the idea of forgiveness. Have you experienced difficulty in forgiving people who are unfair to you? Many times. Okay. Yeah.
[00:12:56] And I guess it’s just human, right? I’m sure that, you know, if anyone watching this is like, Oh, I have no problem with this at all. They are not being the most… don’t lie. So, yeah, I do experience that. And it’s sometimes like when you, you know, people are treating you unfairly, you know, or being unkind to you there is a tendency to hold the unhappiness and grudge.
[00:13:18] A while back, something happened in my work whereby there was another colleague from the sales team, another sales team who actually took a deal that was meant to be mine and she actually won the deal very quickly because it was an inbound request. The final outcome was that, you know, after I found out and petitioned for it to be written to me was that she would get 30 percent and I’ll get 70 percent and that caused me a lot of frustration for a period of time.
[00:13:44] So I was very unhappy for a period of time also, and I met my close friend from school for lunch. And you see something really wise, right? You know, she has already taken 30 percent of the deal. Why do you let her take away your happiness as well? It’s powerful. Yeah. And that made me realise that like, by bearing grudges too much, I’m actually suffering.
[00:14:08] Yeah. So rather than holding on to that unhappiness, why don’t I just let it go and move forward? The second thing to think about when it comes to this type of like incidents is really to check yourself as well, because I’m not perfect also, yeah, and, you know, definitely there will be times in my career where I let other people down and all that.
[00:14:31] So if I, am not 100 percent flawless then who am I to actually judge the other person? And I guess the final part is actually really to extend compassion towards them also, because sometimes when you see someone behaving in a way that is not the best, often it is because it comes from a place of fear, anxiety, and probably she was going through a lot of stresses at that point in time as well.
[00:14:56] So looking at these things holistically has helped me to really let go. It’s not always easy and I still struggle a bit but I try to follow these principles. And I’ll just share a perspective from a psychologist actually. So this psychologist, she developed this model called the REACH model to help people to foster forgiveness because I think forgiveness is truly a practice, a commitment, and a ritual that we need to do because it’s so easy to step back to like, “That woman, yeah, stole my deal.” Yeah, right.
[00:15:26] So the first, first part of REACH is called R, recall the hurt. Meaning to really be honest with how much their actions, their speech, their behaviour have affected you. Right. That also means you avoid seeing yourself as a victim or the other person as a villain, allowing yourself to just experience that emotion through the body sensations and emotions.
[00:15:50] Then second is E, empathise, which is what you say, you know, kind of empathising the person and seeing what they’re going through. And a lot of times people who hurt us may not, may not ask for forgiveness. So this part is crucial also where we imagine The person explaining the actions asking for forgiveness and trying to connect with you.
[00:16:12] Then A is altruistic gift. So this is referring to imagining your forgiveness as a gift to yourself, right? You know, you don’t allow yourself to be hurt again by the person and also imagine that as a gift to the person. So I give you my forgiveness and that really can bring a sense of relief and prevent further disappointment on your end.
[00:16:36] And C, commitment is really writing down your commitments or telling people close to you that “I commit to forgive this person.” And we hold on to that, which is the last H, hold on to forgiveness. So every time we’re angry, we hold on and choose forgiveness. And I think it could also tie back to our beliefs of we should live in a fair world.
[00:17:00] And when that is crossed, I think that brings up a lot of unhappiness as well. Sometimes people feel that by not forgiving someone else, they are protecting themselves. Ah, so the holding on to the anger is a form of protecting themselves. Yes. An armor. Yes. Oh, interesting. Because in the situation whereby they were to forgive, that person might hurt them again.
[00:17:22] So they want to put up this type of barriers. So then how can we protect ourselves to not be hurt while forgiving the other person? So let’s say someone does something wrong to you and it’s important to let go and forgive because it’s necessary for your own emotional and mental well being. At the same time, you don’t actually have to be best friends with that person, right?
[00:17:44] It’s not an expectation that you are best friends with everyone. You can continue to, of course, work with them, coexist. And of course, along the way, if information arises that you’ve actually not seen many good parts about them, then it’s okay to, you know, not deepen that relationship with them. I think it’s really, the essence here is really about the idea of forgive, not forget.
[00:18:05] And forgiveness is something that is within, is regardless of what other people do to you. But not forgetting is in relation to how you maintain skilful relationships with them. So what that means is that if you know this person has a bad habit of constantly lying, manipulating, you are kind to them, you treat them nicely, but you don’t share with them very confidential information.
[00:18:27] Yeah, like basically the stuff they say, you just discount 50%. You know, yeah. Since we’re being mindful about that, but it’s not like you hit them, you want them to suffer. You will be the one that’s suffering. And maybe we can end the episode: what final piece of advice do you have for our listeners here about thriving despite life’s unfairness? I guess something that has really helped me is to, first of all, begin with the type of person that you want to be. So if you aspire to be someone who is compassionate towards others, then what does it really mean in action that you can do in your day to day life?
[00:19:06] And if you think about it, while forgiveness is difficult for every single person. Yes. And dealing with criticisms is difficult for everyone as well. It starts with a place of like, hey, I identify as, you know, and I aspire to be someone who is compassionate. And therefore, a compassionate person would extend this loving kindness towards other people, right?
[00:19:28] In terms of the people who have wronged you as well. And also the people who are saying things that are unfair to you. So having that goal in mind and that kind of aspiration of who you want to be can sometimes make it a lot more motivating. It’s always easy for anyone to be kind to people who are kind to us.
[00:19:45] Of course. But it’s not easy to do it for the other group. So therefore, I think if I’m able to do that, I sometimes feel a sense of pride in myself because I realised that it’s something that is not easy. And the fact that I can do it shows that I have a certain level of maturity, hopefully.
[00:20:02] And that reminds me of Michelle Obama, she says “when they go low, we go high”. I think what I find very inspiring is that the courage that you have to keep going despite everything that people throw at you and as well as constantly connecting with your intention to impact and help people as a content creator.
[00:20:21] So yeah, thank you. Thank you so much for sharing your time with Handful of Leaves. And if you want to find more of her work, more of her inspirational stories, you can find her at… you can follow me on LinkedIn or Instagram at Jeraldine Phneah. She’ll leave the details in the description and of course my mailing list as well.
[00:20:42] So you can also like and subscribe and share with a friend on YouTube, Spotify, we are everywhere. Okay, so till the next episode then, stay happy and wise. Bye bye. Bye.
Imee Ooi is a Chinese-Malaysian record producer, composer, and singer who composes and arranges music for classic Buddhist chant, mantra, and dharani. She performs her compositions in Sanskrit, Pali, Tibetan, and Mandarin. In 1997 she founded a record label, I.M.M. Musicworks, to publish her music. She has released more than 50 albums (55 between 1998 and 2020). She has also composed and directed three highly acclaimed stage musicals: Siddhartha, Above Full Moon, and Princess Wen Cheng (aka Jewel of Tibet). More about Imee Ooi https://www.immmusic.com/imee-ooi
Transcript
[00:00:00] Cheryl:
Welcome to the Handful of Leaves podcast. My name is Cheryl and today we’re back with another episode. With me, I have Sister Imee. She is a wonderfully renowned Buddhist music composer. I am very excited today because I’m such a big fan of her. I have listened to so much of her music and it’s brought me through a lot, a lot of dark periods in my life. I will hand over the stage to her to introduce herself.
[00:00:25] Imee:
Hello, everybody. Hi, Cheryl. I’m Imee Ooi, 黄慧音. I’m a Buddhist musician, composer, and also a singer. You probably have heard some of my ancient work. When I say ancient, it’s more than 25 years. Like the Chant of Metta, the Heart Sutra, Prajna Paramita, and Om Mane Padme Hum to name a few. I would like to say good evening to everyone. Hope I’m sending Metta from Kuala Lumpur to all around the world.
[00:00:54] Cheryl:
Wow. It’s amazing. I think even as you’re sharing, I already feel so much Metta radiating from you.
[00:01:00] Imee:
Because you feel Metta inside you. So everybody who has a kind heart and promotes peace and harmony will naturally have it inside them, right?
[00:01:09] Cheryl:
Yes. We would love to understand a little bit more about your personal journey of how you became a Buddhist musician.
[00:01:17] Imee:
Well, this is not a plan. When I was young, people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was naturally thinking of becoming a music teacher, or a piano teacher because my mother was a music teacher back then in the 1960s, 70s, and 80s. So we have a music school back in our hometown. All we sisters and brothers, we learned the piano. So until then, I never thought I could compose music or even sing. Of course, we sing at home when we play the piano. We do have a lot of fun evening family mini-concerts at home. Since then, we have been exposed to a lot of good music, especially Disney music, and musicals from cartoons. Also from the pop industry and also Christian songs, because once you love music, you tend to look for songs to sing. Yes. When we play piano, we are always playing classical music. Eventually, we also learned the electone organ. The Yamaha electone was very, very popular back then.
[00:02:22] Cheryl:
Is it the double-tier one?
[00:02:24] Imee:
Oh, yes. You have a rhythm box. Then you can have a flute. You have strings. Besides piano, you are also able to use other instruments and then you can make your simple arrangement. It’s a one-man band. It was so enjoyable for kids and teenagers like us back then in the seventies and eighties.
So back to the question. I stumbled upon writing a Buddhist Sutra. Actually, the first piece was the Sanskrit Heart Sutra, the Prajñāpāramitā given to me by a director. I think he was very into Buddhist studies in Sanskrit. He also noticed that there is a lot of good Christian music, you know, gospel music, but there isn’t much Buddhist music that you can sing or play in the house as background music. Most of our Buddhist music then was more for rituals or for ceremonies. So maybe more traditional. So then I was very happy when I saw the schedule. I have not even learned Sanskrit, but it’s not very difficult for us Malaysians or even Singaporeans. So we picked up Sanskrit very easily from, of course, a good teacher. Naturally, when I know how to pronounce all of them, I find that it is very challenging for me to compose a song. Since then I was just a teacher, but I always aspired to be a composer. So I thought, well, to be able to put musical notes, phrases, and melodies into such a long, foreign, ancient, sacred text, it is such an honor. So I did that. Then I sang as well, instead of looking for a singer, I sang myself and then it turned out quite well. The result was very, very pleasing to a lot of people’s ears. This was one of my very first Dhamma music. Even in those days before the internet was very widely used, it went all the way to China and even to Europe and so many places.
I think it’s the strength of the Sanghas and also the Buddhist disciples, Buddhist laymen, and laywomen, once they get hold of a nice Heart Sutra version, they want to spread it and share it. It’s like the nature of us Buddhist brothers and sisters. After that, one after another, The Chant of Metta, then the Heart Sutra in Mandarin, then Om Mane Padme Hum, all the mantras that you can think of from the main Bodhisattvas and the three Buddhas, Medicine Buddha, Amitabha, everything just came. From three lineages also, I get a lot of requests. So this is my journey and it is like no turning back until today since 1998, I think. Along that journey, I also got the opportunity to write for three very scale musicals, Siddhartha, and then Master Hongyi Above Full Moon, and also Princess Wencheng. This is all Buddhist history where I could present my dedication in musical notes, and this is my journey until now.
[00:05:25] Cheryl:
Thank you so much for sharing. And I’m also very, very curious, what drew you to Buddhism and what was your journey in Buddhism actually?
[00:05:34] Imee:
Okay, what drew me into Buddhism, actually, it’s the music I wrote. Then I started to realize that, oh, I can actually practice Buddhism instead of just praying. During our young days, it was more like a culture. We just burn joss sticks, then certain festivals, then we have a lot of fruits and flowers to offer, but it never occurred in my mind that there is this deep philosophy or deep wisdom that is so practical to our daily life and even so useful for us to deal with all the negativities and emotions, love and hatred, everything. We could find the answer to ease ourselves from all these pains and suffering from this religion. So, well it changed my perspective of religion right away after I wrote the music. When the music is popular, you tend to meet a lot of Buddhist practitioners, then you meet a lot of monks and nuns. You open up to compassion mindfulness, giving, and patience, you name it, you know, all the good things in this one horizon that you always bump into these people. That’s where you can learn and ask your question in life.
[00:06:53] Cheryl:
Was there a particular time in your life when you felt the Buddhist teachings really helped you tremendously?
[00:07:01] Imee:
If you want to mention one is probably what has just happened this year. My parents, my mom, and my dad, passed away simultaneously within three weeks. First, my father caught COVID and then he went to the hospital and he came back but he never recovered because all his energy and his body had already been exhausted by the attack of his lungs and even his brain. So he passed on. And then my mom followed on three weeks later. My mom was sick with cancer, but she was still well, but I think because of this sadness of my father, then, you know, it just suddenly sped up everything. She also felt that, you know her meaning of life is different now.
And also because she practices Buddhism, she feels like she’s not afraid of releasing her body’s pain. She was in pain because she was in the last stage of cancer and she refused to go into any other treatment because she thought that she was already very old and there was no point in exhausting everybody’s energy. But of course, she went to a little treatment to make herself feel easier. Like when her lungs are filled with water, she has to drain it out. Those procedures that she has to do to make sure that she breathes properly. But I think she made up her mind. So what I saw in my mother’s bravery and her decision to let go just like that and let her body take its own course, was like a big awakening to me. Like, I’m going to tell my mom how we’re going to miss her and ask her to hang on and things like that.
There was this part that I think, well, am I going to be very selfish or I should just let my mom go, and maybe there’s another place? So I should release her as my mom, now she probably wants to be reborn as another being in another better place. She’s becoming an individual all over again. Our 缘分, our affinity as mother and daughter will come to an end very soon. The first five months of this in 2023 everything was very intensive, you can be very calm and poised in managing things, but deep inside you the night sinks in, everybody is asleep you feel like your mom and dad are walking towards the end of their life. There’s always this pain. You have to come to an acceptance that this is it. Time is up.
[00:09:20] Cheryl:
And what helped you through those moments of pain and perhaps loneliness as well?
[00:09:26] Imee:
Not so much loneliness because we were very busy then because we all stayed in the same place. So no loneliness. The sense of responsibility takes over. It’s like being the eldest in the home, not only do you have to make sure everything is in place, but you feel like sometimes we let other people suffer or we sort of take it for granted that people will do it or people can just figure it out, but when all the responsibility comes upon you, then you will notice that even this little, little things, a cup of tea in time or a little care just at the right moment is so important. So I think the sense of responsibility took over my whole head and body. I don’t feel anything. There wasn’t any pain except when I wanted to sleep in, and there would be this split second when the reality sank in. But other than that, it’s like you are just living in the moment. You take care of everything, minute by minute, hour by hour, you have to sort it out. You become so selfless. I realized that I don’t think of myself, whether I’m tired or I’m busy or I have not eaten or I have not bathed. All these things when it falls in place, it is there. If it is not there, there are always other things that are more important.
[00:10:44] Cheryl:
I recently watched a movie about people, the last moments of their deaths, and their loved ones just being around them. And there was this quote that really stuck with me. And he was saying that because our parents have a body, they have to pass away, but love doesn’t have a body. So love will always continue to live on, even though the parents, ‘ physical form has gone away.
[00:11:09] Imee:
Yeah, of course, but the more important thing is, what are you going to do with this love for your parents? It’s not just in loving memory, or you just remember them during an anniversary, or just the rituals, or you just look at the pictures and then you talk about the past. If you think there’s so much love that’s passed on, it’s important to continue the legacy of your parents, the good attitudes and habits of your parents. I am not a very romantic person or emotional person. I will write all the beautiful words in memory of my mom, but I am not so much into that, what did my father and mother leave behind that I can use to grow into a better person and let them be proud of me as a daughter, and also what I can do for them to the society. Recently, I posted about an article I wrote in remembrance of my parents and I was thinking, what can I give with this story besides my words? I also shot a lot of my mom’s paintings, about 8 to 10 of them and I post them together. I say this is what my mom painted for us and for a lot of my fans too. Now I’m putting it on Facebook. Whoever wants to download it, can use it.
So whenever I remember my parents, I will remember their virtues. Rather thanthe love that lives on. I think love doesn’t have to be measured. In fact, sometimes I think I don’t want to be so attached and keep thinking of the love. The love has to be spread out, and shared by many other people. So I want to think what did my father leave behind, his virtues? It could be like a physical thing. Like my mom, she left a lot of paintings. She left a lot of nice cooking recipes, she cooks so well. I think that I want to cook it every Chinese New Year for our family. These are simple things that you need to put into action rather than all the text and stickers and just words.
[00:13:06] Cheryl:
Yeah, in a way, it’s very tangible, right?
[00:13:09] Imee:
Tangible and people can use it or even taste it and touch it. Amazing. That’s the way I want to express it.
[00:13:18] Cheryl:
Thanks for the free-flow conversation. We go into a lot of these beautiful perspectives exploring our loved ones and the virtues that they leave behind that we can bring forward and express to the world as well. Moving back to maybe some of the questions related to your journey as a musician. I think you have been a musician for about 26 years.
[00:13:39] Imee:
Yes. As a Buddhist musician, but before that, in fact, since 18 years old, I was already teaching and writing some simple songs. I started very early. When I was 18, I had a batch of five to six students. They were like about five years younger than me. Now they already have families and they’re all doing very well in music too. So they’re all over the world. We still keep in touch. Even for some of my concerts, I will also ask them to help me do some arrangements.
[00:14:09] Cheryl:
If we zoom into your career as a Buddhist musician what were some of the challenges that you faced?
[00:14:18] Imee:
Okay. Many have. asked me about these challenges, but if I said none, it would sound very unbelievable. But there is a reason why I say there’s none because I never plan to succeed in a certain way or I will never think that I have to be doing so well and I need to be famous. So It’s very much living in the now. If you are only 30% good, but you do it wholeheartedly, then it is a hundred percent result of the moment. In Mandarin, I would say 每一次都是满分的因为我用完我的心. Heart Sutra says, 心无挂碍, 无挂碍故，无有恐怖. There’s no fear and there’s no challenges because I feel that in Buddhist text and this sacred text, there’s no way you can fix the best melody to it because these are boundless wisdom. Maybe in the future, there’ll be even more people coming to make it even better. So without any burden of like, what are the challenges? Because when you say there are challenges means you want to make it good, real good. But if you let go of all these whatever you do to the best, if it’s no good, if it’s meant to fail, then let it fail. So I adopt that kind of mentality.
So in that case, I felt that the whole journey of production was very smooth. Even when I record singing, I don’t want to have so much fuss about it, I got to rest, I got to drink some honey, or I got to meditate. But I think I want to be just a normal person, but the sense of responsibility is like, I still have to take care of so many other things, cannot be let letting other people give me the convenience and then they suffer and they got to run all over to do things just because they want to give me a good condition to record my so-called very important sacred song of Guan Yin. But if you are Guan Yin, you should be helping other people, you have no condition. With that kind of little understanding or enlightening wisdom that I adopted, I found that I have no challenges. There was not once that, I thought that it gave me a lot of stress that I wanted to throw away, and then I still couldn’t get the right note. I’ve done enough for it. Okay. Because I got so many requests, I cannot be mulling on one for a long, long time. So if that one doesn’t work, let’s say I only have five people liking it instead of 500 or 5, 000 people, then so be it. So it’s like 佛说：只能要渡一个有缘人就够了.
I think if you ask for challenges there’s not much. Also, I don’t know what will be the benchmark of good Buddhist music. There is none. I think this is a very universal thing that each and every piece of Buddhist music that goes out, will naturally find a listener who can embrace it and use it for their own healing, calming themselves or even feeling joyful about it.
[00:17:14] Cheryl:
I think it’s so inspiring because the music that you create really goes right into people’s hearts and speaking from my own experience, I feel that it just goes into my hardware. That melting kind of experience where my anxiety just melts away. Perhaps the reason is that when you create this music, there’s no attachment, no expectations. So it flows through to the listeners as well.
[00:17:39] Imee:
I feel that the reason why my music can penetrate well, perhaps it’s because I never thought so. It’s like every one of the volunteers, everybody holds their position and they have their responsibility in every corner of this world. So I think my part is perhaps because people like my voice and it happened that my voice and my composition and my music arrangement seem to blend well as a whole. I’m blessed.
[00:18:09] Cheryl:
Has there been a time when you felt that maybe this fame is a little bit too much or anything like that?
[00:18:18] Imee:
No, no. In fact, I need more because it’s very difficult. This so-called fame and celebrity status, if there’s one even exists. Over the years people have heard my music, but don’t really know who is behind this because I never show my face in my album most of the time. Only in 2015 when I had my first concert, that people know this is what Imee looks like. In fact, I think I can do with more because I didn’t misuse it.
So I don’t mind more fame because I’m very confident and I’m very stable in the ego part, maybe, I’m stable. And also because of my age, I’m not like a young person anymore. I’m not guaranteeing, I don’t know, maybe five years down the road, suddenly I become somebody very snobbish. Then you better give me a big knock on the head. So in that sense, I think we can do with more because I think we need more people to listen to Buddhist music because young Buddhists are declining in numbers. And more and more people not coming into the monastery or Buddhist centres. But I’m not very worried about that. It’s just a matter of time before we change ways. Maybe we just use other ways. We should open more windows and doors.
Back to whether this pressured me, no, I think I can do with more fame and publicity so that the music can go further. In fact, until now, a lot of people who have heard of my music, don’t know I’m in Malaysia. They thought that I was from China, Taiwan, or somewhere. They don’t even know the people behind the music, but I’m happy. I think in Buddhist music, it’s not like pop music. People want to know who is the singer, like Taylor Swift or BTS. But in Buddhist music, it’s not. People just want to listen to the mantra. It’s the sound by itself. It’s the vibration. Not many people care like who is the composer? The credit doesn’t matter much. So I think if I want to inspire more young talents who want to come to this, you must be prepared for this. You might not be well-known. Your name might not be known, but are you willing to put up with this, that is not for yourself, fame, or celebrity status?
Actually, everything is in the Dhamma as I learned. Obviously, I want to practice what I have learned. When I started 30 years ago, I was already 30 years old. So it’s not like you’re still mentally not very mature. Maybe it’s also my character and also my mom and dad’s education. We were always trying to be humble and helpful to other people. So I think this also helps. So I can’t tell you one reason why I’m not carried away. Although I enjoy the limelight, of course, I enjoy the limelight, when you stand on stage and being recognized. It’s not because I’m famous, I’ve got a very good voice or I’m pretty, but it’s that kind of satisfaction. Just like a Sangha, when you give a sermon and a lot of people use it in their daily life, or you give a retreat and these people come back to tell you it’s so, so usable. The Dalai Lama is very famous. Mm. Thich Nhat Hanh is very famous. Venerable Hsing Yun is very famous. They are the model that I want to follow. Eventually, whether I’m ordained or not, I want to be the next example of what they are. Just give up whatever they can do for the Dhamma.
[00:21:46] Cheryl:
Wow. That’s so beautiful. Some of our subscribers, actually asked what gave you inspiration for the music.
[00:21:54] Imee:
Just the text itself. I was always saying, what more can be more inspiring than the Dhamma itself? So I don’t want to source from outside. Since I take it as a responsibility, it’s my work. How am I going to present this mantra or sutra? So the mantra of the sutra has to be the one that inspires me because that is the thing that I need to reach out to many people. So how am I going to relate it and present it in my own way?
And the thought of sharing it with more people. When I wrote the Heart Sutra in Mandarin, it went on to Taiwan and it was one of the best sales of the record company. And the 大悲咒, the Great Compassion Mantra. But eventually when the famous singer 齐豫, she was singing pop all these years and then she wanted to sing Buddhist music. For her first album, she asked for my copyright for two of my songs. One of them is 心经 (Heart Sutra). So I was very happy because she has got millions of fans all over the world. Her effort of singing Heart Sutra will reach out to more. That’s why coming back to your question here, the inspiration should be based on how far it can reach out to people. The gem is right in front of you that you need to deliver out.
[00:23:15] Cheryl:
The gem in itself is already shining.
[00:23:17] Imee:
Yeah. So brightly. It’s right in front of you. You want to create a tool to present it. It’s not like you have to find something nice in your life, some environment, nothing. Nothing is as important as just carrying out this mission of yours. Yeah. So, I put myself in a different position, it is quite different when you want to write a pop song and when you want to write a love song. Perhaps the thing itself, it’s emotional. I say it is 梦幻泡影 (illusionary). Then you’ve got to go and find somewhere that makes you even more emotional. But whatever you have the text of the Dhamma right in front of you is the truth. So the truth is just one. So there’s no other way to support it. Other than you just have to focus and do your best.
[00:24:10] Cheryl:
Yeah. Can you share a story that you remember of the most profound impact that your music has had on someone?
[00:24:17] Imee:
Wow. Okay. Before Facebook, all the so-called sharing of experiences, listening to my music, like the impact that you’re talking about has to be either from email or a letter with a stamp on it, sent all the way from Germany, from Italy, from Argentina, from China, right to my mailbox. After the 9/11 incident, I got an email from an American. He’s a jazz musician and a veteran, and he works in a church near the World Trade Center. The church was open to injured people and even dead people. He told me that the church actually used one of my Buddhist music because they realized that the people who came to look for help might not be just Christians or Catholics. It can be people from all faiths. So they played one of the Sutras. I think it’s the Ratana Sutra. He said he didn’t know anything about Pali. I think he went to search for my music and then he went to Chinatown and coincidentally, he heard my Heart Sutra in Mandarin. He said, what is this 揭諦！揭諦！波羅揭諦！(Sanskrit: Gate, gate Pāragate)? It sounds very ancient to him.
He then deduced that what he heard in Chinatown and this Ratana Sutta were sung by the same person, the same voice. So he said, Hey, I got to look for this lady. Who is she? He thinks that my music has some kind of, in his words, magical power that you can just absorb and get healed immediately. So yeah, he said, many people actually listened to the Ratana Sutta. During, I think a mass prayer, they just play their hymns, then they play my Buddhist song. Eventually, we became good friends. We share a lot and he also practiced a lot of Dhamma things, although he’s a Catholic. He also shared with me a lot of experience being a jazz musician in America who is quite well known. Of course, he shared with me what happened in the church when they played this song too.
[00:26:05] Cheryl:
So can you share a few?
[00:26:06] Imee:
Maybe I shouldn’t say this, but free-thinkers who, after they listened to the music, started to learn Buddhism, in Mandarin we say 渡到的人. Or people who have converted from Christianity to Buddhism, or they’ve embraced both because they think that these two religion does not really clash. They share the same universal love. So a lot of these inspiring stories. But a lot of touching story has to do with the parting of your loved ones, whether it’s death or divorce. So human beings are often caught up in 爱恨情仇. It’s like passion, aversion, relationships, and negativity towards someone or an incident. I hope more people will focus less on this attachment, on these four elements that cause us a lot of suffering. I think one day you won’t even need music. If you can get over this, you don’t need anything to heal you anymore. You can self-heal because the root has been plucked away.
[00:27:07] Cheryl:
And when the root is plucked away, the grass won’t grow again.
[00:27:10] Imee:
Yes. Yes. At least we can just keep cleaning it, tone down this kind of attachment, and make life a little bit simpler.
[00:27:18] Cheryl:
And I think that’s why the Buddhist teachings are so beautiful because it’s also helping us to uncover our highest potential, to clean it away, to pluck it away. And hopefully one day we can really uproot it forever.
[00:27:31] Imee:
Definitely.
[00:27:33] Cheryl:
We have a cheeky question from one of the people. They were asking, what will you be doing if you were not doing music?
[00:27:40] Imee:
Sleeping or eating? So you are cheeky? No, Auntie Imee will not let you be cheeky. Okay, let’s be serious about this. Yeah, I always I’m quite proud to say that I live like a monastic, although I’m not ordained. I don’t go out, go to cafes, go for a movie. Besides my concert, I don’t go out at night at all. Anything that I need to go out and socialize, has got to do with my Buddhist work. Either we have a discussion or I need to be there to attend a ceremony or whatever. But talking about ceremonies, I don’t even attend weddings, anniversaries, or happy occasions. I only go to funerals. It’s like my choice. I can enjoy anything. I can enjoy a nice birthday party too. But I feel that in my life, I need to have my selection of what I do since I have too much to do with my Buddhist music and also some other work that is related to it, to build this music monastery that I aspire to have eventually. You don’t have to be physical, that’s a building. But if I have a building, as we call it a “music monastery”, this is where I can maybe share and teach more people. Like-minded people can come together. Maybe the Dhamma work through performing arts, music and dance will flourish even faster.
I feel that now I’m close to 60 next year and I don’t know how much time do I have to achieve this. By trying to do as much as I can, I have to sacrifice a lot of things. So I don’t do anything else, but eat, sleep, and do my music. And of course, concerts. Just the necessary things, but I don’t go out. I don’t have even holiday plans to go visit a country. The only holiday I’ve ever gone on with my family was to Singapore and that is also to visit relatives. I’ve gone to many places but it’s because of my concert or related to my Buddhist work. There was not one that was just a pure holiday until today. Yeah. Wow. It just came naturally. It’s not something that I planned, but I think it’s like the work and the cause of events that just spin off year after year and lead me to where I am today. I’m quite happy with this.
[00:29:56] Cheryl:
Yeah. I wish you all the best with the Buddhist Music Monastery.
[00:30:00] Imee:
Thank you.
[00:30:01] Cheryl:
This is so cool. I’ve never heard of Buddhist Music Monastery before.
[00:30:04] Imee:
Don’t you think it’s so cool, right? All the people there, either you sing or you dance or you’re a composer or you are a lyricist, or you are researching somewhere. It’s so beautiful, this place where we can live together. Because I think with more people living it together every day, I think the whole process and the achievement will be by folds.
[00:30:26] Cheryl:
On a similar note, but also not, not too similar. I think this is a very interesting question on the idea that people pirate Buddhist music and books with the excuse that Dhamma is free of charge. Can you share your opinions or experiences?
[00:30:41] Imee:
I think there are two kinds of them. A lot of people actually don’t know they are copyrighted, but there are also people who know, that they’re copyrighted and they pirate them. But if they pirate for the use of Dhamma, not for monetary benefit, I think it’s okay. But it is also not okay if you come to think of it, eventually, no one wants to become a Buddhist musician or book writer because it doesn’t give them security anymore. It’s always a voluntary work. It doesn’t make sense from the modern world’s point of view. So how are you going to solve it? Because if you can do this professionally, wholeheartedly, and just do this and nothing else, I’m sure the quality of our work can be much better. That’s what the music monastery is all about.
When we have so many people we can put up good quality performances or good quality music. When there’s a market, then there’s a supply. That’s where there will be a balance. Then we can fit these people and they can use this as their livelihood and make it their profession. It’s going to be a very good thing, a very good future if we can build this up. Otherwise, now, the whole mentality is just like, this is only a part-time thing, how do you survive over this yourself? Oh, yeah. Maybe that’s the most challenging part. If you wanna ask me about this. It’s always financial. People think that with my celebrity status, I should be very rich, but it’s just the opposite. I’m not poor, but it’s so difficult for me to be able to handle so many things with just my own effort. I can’t take in sponsorship or offerings like the monastery because I’m not a monastery. So I’m trying to build this whole thing as a profession. But so far so good. I just thought it could be much better so that in the future, many people can choose this.
[00:32:31] Cheryl:
And I think this is also a problem that’s very prevalent in other aspects of the Buddhist scene as well. Even in temples, the running of it, most of it is all 乐捐 (voluntary donation), right? People donate and people who want to help are all on a voluntary basis as well. Then it results in a lot of attrition because the fully talented ones, have to go outside to earn a lot of money.
[00:32:51] Imee:
This is one big issue that I also see. Maybe most of this so-called donation or sponsorship or whatever should focus less on the hardware, like building the tallest Buddha or the building. But if you have so much space, we have to make sure that it’s fully utilized and it can generate self-sustaining work. But looks like it’s not the case now. A lot of the good people will not stay. You just cannot keep these people. I mean, I wonder why. Maybe the new generation. can put this into serious planning. The traditional way of doing things should still be preserved, but maybe we can have another option we can build a Buddhist environment for more people to come. The people who are serious about practicing and they want to learn, but they also want to contribute at the same time. They can also find a place where they can take care of their livelihood.
[00:33:48] Cheryl:
Yeah, because after all, everyone is still lay people. We still have to take care of the four requisites on our own.
[00:33:54] Imee:
You should let them feel comfortable, and take care of their needs first. Give them what they need first, instead of asking them to give you what they can give as a Buddhist. It’s the other way around.
[00:34:07] Cheryl:
Yeah, I’ve never thought of it in that way. It’s the other side.
[00:34:10] Imee:
Because whenever you walk in and say, Oh, what can I offer? You think of that first, right? You never say, what can you offer to me? You have to be brave to say that. If I walk into a Buddhist, I can do this. You have anything to offer to me, but we are always asked to offer the Buddha and the Triple Gem first. Of course, that is something that we obviously need to do, but can that be not to new people who want to embrace the Dhamma? This is quite difficult. We can try to understand it’s nothing wrong. It’s nothing wrong.
[00:34:41] Cheryl:
Yeah, with a Handful of Leaves, I think it’s interesting a lot of our volunteers, become volunteers because they feel that they have benefited a lot. Oh, the content reaches out to me, then I want to help. So it’s like you say the opposite, they receive before they give.
[00:34:57] Imee:
Yeah.
[00:34:58] Cheryl:
And I want to share with you some lovely notes that were given. This is from Gordon and he says that one of the foremost reasons that got me interested in Buddhism back then as a primary school kid, 12 years ago, was due to your melodious voice. So, thank you very much.
[00:35:19] Imee:
I’m happy to share. Yes, this is interesting if you ask me about the very significant impact. In fact, I’m very happy that as I traveled around all these years, I met a lot of monks and nuns who told me the same thing. They became monks and nuns, the first influence was my music. But I feel ashamed. 你们都出嫁了，我还在这混，还是个凡人 (you’ve all ordained but I’m still a layperson). So I always make this joke. Then they started laughing. 那欢迎！ 您什么时候要加入我们的一家人？(When will you be ordaining? We welcome you to the family!). Many of them I actually keep in touch.
I also cannot say, all this effort is worth it. No, because I’m not like somebody so great. As a Buddhist musician, you shouldn’t say, oh 我这一生值得了，我做的东西能够渡那么多人. Because you should feel blessed that you should be able to participate in this sense. It humbles you that you are not always looking to see that whatever effort that you put in, whether it is mind or body, is worth your life or not. Your life is worth nothing if you don’t hit the Dhamma. If you don’t hit the Dhamma, you have wasted your whole life. Being born on earth 在人间, we should also bear in mind that this is very important.
[00:36:37] Cheryl:
Yeah, this is such a wonderful reminder because the opportunity to even be born as a human and to listen to the Dhamma is so rare.
[00:36:44] Imee:
Yes, so people always ask 我们在寻求人生的意义, what’s the purpose of life? Why am I here for? What is the truth of life? Who am I? I think all these questions no need to look because once you look means that you want to identify yourself as a person and your worth. But if you don’t go out and do something, you will never know your worth. You can start by sweeping the floor. You will slowly find your worth. The day you breathe your last breath, that’s the only time you know what is your purpose in life. I always think so. Not any moment in your life until your last breath. I think I will discourage people from looking for the purpose of life because I think whatever comes, the first responsibility, go do it first, then it will unfold the next page you will see.
Because a lot of people feel very stressed, like everything they do also, they feel that it’s not them. It’s not worth their life. It’s suffering, it’s torture. So I think you should just accept it as your karma. And then you will be happier that way that you will notice that time will be the medicine to heal you and the same time to open up the next page of your life. If you think that what is the purpose of life in search of the truth, then you probably will never get the answer. I think this is my perspective.
[00:38:05] Cheryl:
And whatever it is that we are doing, we do it with our full heart, whole heart and even it can be as simple as just sweeping the floor. It’s something that we can also do it.
[00:38:15] Imee:
Mindful. I think mindful is a good word. Mindful doesn’t mean you have to be always kind. You have to be always giving. Mindful just means you’re aware of your surroundings, aware of yourself being there, and aware of people around you, things around you, happening around you. It’s like your scanner, you’re always scanning yourself. But I think we should just put our radar open to a wider scope that you can scan through 360 degrees if not 270 degrees, or you open up 45 degrees. We talk about vibration. If we are one in the universe, we always say we are one. What is this oneness all about? We say, Oh, we are oneness. We are happening in one country, harmony. But what is that? What does that mean? How to get it started? So you can start with this, and open up your radar. Then you can scan things around you so that only you can become one, but if you’re not connected, you can’t even scan three feet away. So if you are not opening up your scope, I don’t think you can move on, if you just think, why am I here? You keep searching for happiness and truth, you will never do it.
[00:39:16] Cheryl:
Yeah, and it’s very brilliant. And one last one. They said, Dear Sister Imee Ooi, your chant showed me self-love and unconditional love for all beings. Relaxing in a chair, closing my eyes, and following this chant, sometimes brings tears to my eyes, experiencing the depth and boundlessness of this goodwill. I’ve been transformed from the inside out from the regular practice of metta with your chant. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
[00:39:45] Imee:
Sadhu to you. Thank you very much for sharing. I wish everybody well and safe. Those days I always say wish you well and happy. Recently, I think I should take away the word happy because I think it’s overrated if you keep on having this place to reach or to find this in search of this thing, I notice it doesn’t work on a lot of people. In fact, you get more depressed because everything you look around you is not enough.
[00:40:14] Cheryl:
Because you have to get to somewhere to be happy. Yeah.
[00:40:16] Imee:
It’s like I’m entitled, is my entitlement. So how can I find my entitlement to happiness? You know? So if you are not mindful, or you do have not enough wisdom, or the environment is not conducive, you tend to go the other side. So I think we will say, May you be well and safe. I want to say safe because I think without this body if you’re sick. Death is not so scary. I think to me because I’m prepared for it. But sickness is like going through a period where your body just cannot wake up to your mind. So you still need your body to do a lot of things.
So I think I would rather wish people well and safe. So once you are safe from a lot of bad things around you or pain and sickness or disturbances, probably when you’re in a safe place, safe doesn’t mean that you lock yourself up all the time. Sometimes being safe is like you’ll be able to be in touch with so many out there and still feel secure. You’re in control of your doings.
[00:41:22] Cheryl:
We wish everyone, all our listeners to be well and safe. And I think that brings us to the end of this beautiful sharing from Sister Imee. And thanks so much for spending your time here with us.
[00:41:33] Imee:
You’re most welcome, Cheryl.
[00:41:35] Cheryl:
Thank you. And for everyone who likes our podcast, you can like it, subscribe to it on Spotify and you can check out Sister Imee’s work on YouTube, Spotify, and wherever else you find your music.
Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña, Shuo Mei, Arif, Bernice, Wee Teck, Andrew Yam, Kan Rong Hui, Wei Li Quek, Shirley Shen, Ezra, Joanne Chan, Hsien Li Siaw, Gillian Ang, Wang Shiow Mei
Editor and transcriber of this episode: Cheryl Cheah, Susara Ng, Ke Hui Tee
