When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön: A Personal Reflection

When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön: A Personal Reflection

Getting to Know Pema

Pema Chödrön’s story resonated with me right away. She wasn’t born into a monastery-she was a regular person, living a regular life, until everything fell apart for her too. Her marriage ended, her world was upended, and she found herself seeking deeper meaning. Eventually, she became a Buddhist nun and teacher, but she never lost her down-to-earth, relatable way of speaking. Reading her words felt like talking to a wise friend who had been through it all and come out the other side with a gentle smile.

Life Lessons That Landed Deeply

What struck me most about When Things Fall Apart was how Pema didn’t sugarcoat suffering. She doesn’t offer quick fixes or spiritual bypasses. Instead, she invites us to lean into our pain, to get curious about our discomfort, and to stop running away from what hurts.

Embracing Groundlessness

When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön: A Personal Reflection

One of the most powerful lessons for me was her teaching on “groundlessness.” Pema writes about how we’re always looking for something solid to hold onto, but life just doesn’t work that way. Everything is always changing. At first, this was terrifying for me to accept. But as I read her words, I realized there’s a strange freedom in letting go of the need for certainty. When I stopped fighting reality, I found a little more peace.

Staying With Discomfort

When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön: A Personal Reflection

Pema encourages us to “lean into the sharp points” of our experience. I remember a night when anxiety kept me awake, and instead of distracting myself, I tried her advice. I just sat with the feeling, noticing how it moved through my body. It wasn’t easy, but it was real, and for the first time, I felt like I was making friends with my own mind.

Making Room for All Emotions

When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön: A Personal Reflection

I’ve always been someone who tries to “fix” bad feelings, but Pema’s words nudged me to try something different: just letting my emotions be. She says, “The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen.” I started to notice that when I stopped judging myself for feeling sad or scared, those emotions became less overwhelming.

Compassion and Courage

What I love most about Pema is her emphasis on compassion-especially self-compassion. She reminds us that we don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of love, and that being gentle with ourselves in hard times is an act of bravery. This was a game-changer for me.

Moments That Stuck With Me

  • Staying with Uncertainty: Pema shares stories of her own life falling apart-marriage ending, health issues, losing teachers. She doesn’t pretend it was easy. Instead, she describes how she learned to stay present with her pain, and how that presence transformed her suffering into wisdom. I found comfort in knowing that even a Buddhist nun struggles sometimes.
  • Letting Go of Control: I laughed and nodded when Pema wrote about wanting life to be a neat, tidy puzzle. I’ve spent so much energy trying to control everything. Her advice to let go and accept the messiness of life was both humbling and liberating.
  • Facing Difficult Emotions: Her practice of getting “up close” with our feelings-without trying to change them-felt radical to me. It’s still something I’m learning, but it’s made a real difference in how I relate to myself.

What I Took Away:

Final Thoughts

When Things Fall Apart didn’t solve all my problems, but it changed the way I face them. Pema Chödrön’s gentle wisdom helped me see that I don’t need to have it all together to find peace. I just need to show up, stay present, and be kind to myself-especially when things are falling apart. If you’re going through a tough time, or just want to live with a little more courage and compassion, I can’t recommend this book enough. It’s been a true friend to me, and I hope it will be for you too.

Ep 62: A Narrow Heart Is a Fragile Heart  ft. Lopen Ani Pema Deki (Ven Emma Slade)

Ep 62: A Narrow Heart Is a Fragile Heart ft. Lopen Ani Pema Deki (Ven Emma Slade)


Summary

In this episode of the Handful of Leaves Podcast, Cheryl speaks with Emma Slade (Ani Pema Deki), a former London investment banker who became a Buddhist nun after a life-changing experience. Together, they explore the tension between modern busyness and spiritual practice, unpacking what happiness, bliss, and resilience truly mean. Emma reflects on Bhutanese attitudes toward life, the challenges lay practitioners face, and the importance of widening our hearts beyond self-interest. She also shares her personal story of faith, karma, and the powerful connection to her teacher that solidified her decision to ordain.

This conversation challenges common assumptions about happiness and invites listeners to reconsider how faith, kindness, and perspective can transform life into a path of genuine freedom.


About the Speaker

👤 Lopen Ani Pema Deki (Emma Slade) was born in Kent, and was educated at Cambridge University and the University of London where she gained a First Class degree.  She is a qualified Chartered Financial Analyst (CFA) and worked in Fund Management in London, New York, and Hong Kong. 

A deep seated desire to enquire into the deeper aspects of humanity arise following a life- changing business trip to Jakarta, where she was held hostage at gunpoint. She resigned from her financial career and began exploring yoga and meditation and methods of wellbeing with the ultimate aim of turning a traumatic episode into wisdom and conditions for thriving. 

She qualified as a British Wheel of Yoga teacher in 2003 and, over the last 19 years, has run numerous yoga workshops and retreats. Her interest in Buddhism as a science of the mind strengthened after meeting a Buddhist Lama (teacher) on her first visit to Bhutan in 2011. This crucial chance meeting led to her studying Buddhism with this Lama and, eventually, led to her becoming the first and only Western woman to be ordained in the Himalayan Kingdom of Bhutan as a Buddhist nun.


Key Takeaways

True Happiness vs. Samsaric Comfort

Emma Slade emphasizes that happiness rooted in worldly comfort is fragile, while liberation from suffering is the only path to lasting peace.

Small Acts, Big Shifts

Even in a busy modern life, small gestures of kindness and widening one’s perspective can cultivate resilience, compassion, and deeper joy.

The Role of Faith and Karma

Emma’s journey from investment banker to Buddhist nun shows how powerful moments of faith and the unfolding of karma can radically redirect one’s life path.

Transcript

Full Transcript

[00:00:00] Emma Slade: Are we seeking to be comfortable in samsara? Are we seeking to get comfortable with the reality of suffering? Or are we seeking to liberate from it?

[00:00:13] Cheryl: Welcome to the Handful of Leaves Podcast. My name is Cheryl, and today I’m joined by Emma Slade, also known as  Ani Pema Deki. She once walked the high stakes world of investment banking in London until a near death experience, when she was held at gunpoint in Jakarta. She decided to leave for the mountains in Bhutan to ordain as a nun.

[00:00:35] Cheryl: she will reveal how opening and widening our heart makes us unbreakable. Let’s begin.

[00:00:43] Emma Slade: 50 years ago, there was just a cup of coffee, right? Now there’s a semi skim latte, hazelnut, vegan, free hazelnut coffee or whatever. It’s really quite an undertaking when worldly life, every day it just gets more fascinating. Anybody who’s sincerely wishing to do some practice while still living a worldly life, while I really admire it.

[00:01:05] Emma Slade: Very sincere Buddhist practitioners or spiritual people, even though they have this incredibly busy worldy life, they still feel pulled to do some spiritual development, but it’s so hard for them to find the balance.

[00:01:19] Emma Slade: Practices, prayers, rituals, whatever they are, they take time. That I think is increasingly, that’s the commodity that nobody has. There’s a bit of a conflict there, how do you really train, become aware of your habits and change them without giving the time to it?

[00:01:37] Emma Slade: We look at the great masters, you look at Milarepa, look at Gampopa, if you read their stories, none of them, none of them it was like this, right?

[00:01:46] Emma Slade: We have to be realistic in terms of it’s likely that what you put in is what you get out in most forms of life.

[00:01:53] Cheryl: But then there’s this big conundrum of lay people wanting to have more happiness in their life, but not having enough time to put in the causes for it. Does that mean that lay people they only have to accept that they would be stuck in suffering?

[00:02:14] Emma Slade: It’s a complicated thing. There’s a lot of conditions that need to come together, right? Not only for lay people, for monastic people too. When we look at the texts, there’s a lot of texts which will say, you can do three hours of prayers, but if in that time you were distracted for two and a half hours, then so there’s also the question of intention.

[00:02:33] Emma Slade: We have to look at our motivation because are we seeking to be comfortable in samsara? Are we seeking to be to get comfortable with the reality of suffering? Or are we seeking to liberate from it? When we use the word happiness, usually people are wanting worldly happiness. Usually they’re looking for some way to make their existence un-painful, and comfortable And that’s not what the Buddha taught really because he said that liberation from suffering is the way to permanent unchanging happiness. And the idea that somehow you can be happy in samsara when it’s unreliable and it’s the truth of suffering. So I think when it comes to this word happiness, we kind of have to look at it quite carefully actually.

[00:03:21] Cheryl: Actually, it’s very interesting that you brought that up because when I was looking through your website, I also noticed that your Buddhist name, Ani Pema Deki, it means blissful lotus.

[00:03:33] Emma Slade: That’s right. Trying for that. These names, they’re always aspirational. So we have to bear that in mind.

[00:03:39] Cheryl: What’s your take on the word “bliss” at this point? And what is one common misunderstanding that society in general have about this word about “bliss” and “happiness”?

[00:03:50] Emma Slade: Oh gosh, that’s a big question. Yeah. So in Vajrayana practice you’ll see the word “joy” and different levels of joy being spoken about. And you will see the word “bliss” and you’ll often see bliss and emptiness that arising together.

[00:04:11] Emma Slade: And now these are mental states naturally arising from the results of Dharma practice. And they’re usually spoken about as the results of increasing experience and increasing realisation, and they are not manufactured.

[00:04:28] Emma Slade: They are seen as something which when the clouds of confusion are removed, then these states will kind of naturally show themselves. There’s something which is not that effortful about them.

[00:04:42] Emma Slade: For experience of joy or bliss to arise, my understanding is that you can’t kind of make that happen. It’s more like when it’s effortless that those feelings arise.

[00:04:54] Emma Slade: When I think back on my life before I was a nun, you have good things happen. But from my small experience, I can’t really equate any kind of experience of joy or bliss from dedicated Dharma practice to those experiences, they seem quite different to me.

[00:05:10] Emma Slade: Because the worldly joy or bliss, just from my perspective now, it looks very manufactured and very temporary because it doesn’t protect you from feeling bad two days later. It changes. It disperses. It’s not very stable.

[00:05:27] Cheryl: Bhutan is known for being the happiest country in the world. What is the difference you notice in people living there and people living in, maybe UK or Hong Kong where you were living at before becoming a nun?

[00:05:41] Emma Slade: Firstly, now that many areas and countries and institutions have been trying to quantify happiness, in some of those studies, Bhutan doesn’t do frighteningly well. The Scandinavian countries appear to be at the top of the list there. You probably know from your life if you think maybe if I asked you on Sunday how happy you were and then I asked you on Thursday how happy you are.

[00:06:06] Emma Slade: You may not have the same number. So I think that there’s lots of questions about how we really quantify this and many of my experiences in Bhutan, I think in some ways they’re not actually captured in the indices. So, for example, in Bhutan, often people are incredibly accepting of challenges and obstacles. They’re very mentally resilient to them, I feel some of those qualities and attitudes that I’ve seen protect people from clinging to difficulty, ruminating on it, continuing to suffer because of it. So I feel like officially Bhutan, is not at the top of the pile of happy countries. But the attitudes that I’ve encountered, the way people support each other, they stick together in times of difficulty.

[00:06:53] Emma Slade: Quite amazing. And of course they have the bedrock of Dhamma, the bedrock of great faith and belief in many lifetimes in rebirth. They don’t have that clinging to this one life, which I think again, is this very helpful attitude for ensuring that we’re less vulnerable to the ups and downs of a worldly life.

[00:07:16] Cheryl: What are one or two things that we could learn that we could apply to become more content, more resilient in our busy lives?

[00:07:25] Emma Slade: Even in a busy life, sometimes it’s only gonna take two minutes to help somebody with their bag, give somebody a smile on the tube. Send a message to somebody is dealing with something difficult. Even in a busy life, you can just stretch a little to be a little bit more thoughtful, a little bit more kind.

[00:07:45] Emma Slade: Try to make your contribution to the world more than just your own existence, right? Even in a busy life. If you have a bit more time, you could do some reflection on what is your motivation. Is your motivation always for yourself? Is it for yourself and a few people? Is it for yourself at a wider circle of people? How narrow is your view of things? Who are you really dedicating your time and your intelligence and your efforts to?

[00:08:14] Emma Slade: And vast happiness will come from connecting to a vast number of beings, whether with your mind or with your activity. So you may be somebody who’s very busy, but you may curiously be in a position where you could help a lot of beings without too much effort because you may be very good in computers or with a network. I think it’s also worth checking how your view of yourself is, and don’t spend too much time ruminating on negative ideas about yourself or others. It’s just a waste of time. It’s a waste of energy.

[00:08:50] Cheryl: I was having a very interesting conversation with a friend and I was sharing that the way to have a meaningful life is to be of benefit to oneself and of benefit to others. Mm-hmm. And she shared with me: “Why bother about anyone outside of your family and loved ones?” And I thought that was a very interesting perspective that many modern people hold. Like, why bother? Why care? Why should we not be selfish?

[00:09:20] Emma Slade: So when you say that, I just imagine a heart that’s very like this, right? And it says, okay, these are the people I’m gonna think about and care about.

[00:09:27] Emma Slade: And all of these ones I’m not gonna bother with. How does that sound as a recipe for living your life?

[00:09:32] Cheryl: Restricted. Even as you’re saying, I’m feeling all the tension.

[00:09:35] Emma Slade: Yeah. And to be honest, in this little thing that we’ve created here where there’s us and maybe five other people, right? What do we know when we look at human existence in the course of a human life? Is it usually the people that are closest to you, the ones you have the biggest arguments with?

[00:09:51] Cheryl and Emma: Yes.

[00:09:52] Emma Slade: Think of the number of people that get divorced. Think a number of people that fall out with their parents or their siblings right? So then what happens? No breadth of connection, which will also support you if this area becomes tricky.

[00:10:04] Emma Slade: So, just in a kind of selfish way, you are hedging your bets a bit more carefully if you it’s like an investment, you don’t put all your eggs in one basket. It’s easy to stay in your comfort zone, very easy. But from a Buddhist point of view, that’s not the way to enlightenment.

[00:10:23] Emma Slade: Being something like a Bodhisattva, working for the benefit of others is about deliberately beginning to stretch your comfort zone. So your heart and your mind become wider and wider until they have the limitless qualities of love and compassion, etc. That’s what Buddhism offers. To me that’s much more appealing than this, this idea.

[00:10:47] Emma Slade: As humans, we have this incredible mental faculty to make decisions about how we want to live, who we want to help, how we want to contribute or not.

[00:10:57] Emma Slade: These are decisions that worms in the ground and birds in the air don’t really have the choice to make. I mean, that’s the amazing thing about having the opportunity to have a human life, isn’t it?

[00:11:07] Cheryl: And I guess speaking of jolting experiences, I would love to hear from you firsthand, how you became a Buddhist, and I think one word that really caught my attention is the idea of faith, from becoming a Buddhist, to becoming a nun. How did that journey happen?

[00:11:26] Emma Slade: I really wanted to be interested in Buddhism from a very young age, and particularly meditation. I just thought, what is that? That looks intriguing. And so I became a Buddhist.

[00:11:39] Emma Slade: And then obviously when I went to Bhutan for the first time in 2011 and I met the person who was to be my teacher for those first few years.

[00:11:47] Emma Slade: And it was him who suggested or told me to become a monastic. It definitely felt more like an order. And I’ve been a nun now for 13 years, which I can’t quite believe because it sounds like a long, long time actually.

[00:12:03] Emma Slade: Not everyone will be a monastic, and I always feel whenever I’m eating some food or reading a book, thank goodness not everybody’s a monastic, or I would be starving to death with nothing to eat and nothing to read. But I think for me it’s definitely the right path.

[00:12:19] Cheryl: Tell me more, because it sounds like there’s a lot of faith that you had in your teacher as well.

[00:12:24] Emma Slade: We have these moments in your life where everything is just so clear and obvious, like there’s not any other option.

[00:12:30] Emma Slade: Most of the time we’re like, “Do I want to eat spaghetti or eat potatoes?” Or whatever. We’re constantly in this confused state of, “do I want it, do I not want it?” That’s the nature of samsara. And you have these very powerful moments of faith where all of that confusion drops away and it’s just so clear what to do. And I think I had a couple of moments like that in my journey in Bhutan.

[00:12:53] Emma Slade: When I first met my teacher in Bhutan, when I heard his voice for the first time, it’s just like a thunderbolt. It’s just a very powerful experience. And you don’t kind of think, “why is that interesting? Why is it because it’s got such a low tone or whatever?”

[00:13:08] Emma Slade: It’s just, “wow, there’s some connection here that’s very powerful, very obvious.”

[00:13:17] Emma Slade: And with that degree of connectedness, it gives you a strength to want to practice and study and return to them and gain their help and continue. So faith supports you in your wish to make progress. It stops you giving up. It is this connectedness, you don’t feel as if you’re just kind of on your own, somehow it helps to make the whole landscape so much bigger than just you. And I think that’s extremely helpful for practice.

[00:13:49] Emma Slade: In text they often say to examine a teacher before becoming their student. But it’s also possible to have these very powerful momentary experiences, because you can’t just order one on Amazon. If you have a teacher you profoundly connect with, you really are inspired to study and practice, how lucky to have that.

[00:14:09] Cheryl: But it’s so interesting that your affinity with Tibetan Buddhism I, I didn’t read about your childhood but I assumed you grew up in UK?

[00:14:21] Emma Slade: Yes, that’s right.

[00:14:22] Cheryl: Oh, so like, different countries.

[00:14:24] Emma Slade: Yes, I know. I think that when I’m in the mountains of Bhutan, I’m at like 3000 meters. And then I was born at sea level. My Lama just said it’s just kamma. You just have very, very strong kamma. All the texts say only the Buddha can really understand the full workings of karma, so I’m not gonna attempt to take a stab at it. But for some reason, everything for me seems to ripen in Bhutan. Kamma is a very difficult thing to fully understand, but I think when you begin to see it working in your life, then you’re gonna like, well, I don’t really get how this works, but I am not gonna doubt it.

[00:15:03] Emma Slade: Who thought that, a girl born in Whitstable in England would end up spending half a time in Bhutan and then fully ordained there. It’s kind of crazy. I feel like my whole life has a testament to the power of kamma.

[00:15:18] Emma Slade: (stay tuned for part 2?) Not finding what we desire is suffering, and that’s such an important suffering.

[00:15:25] Emma Slade: They don’t have the job they like, they don’t have the partner that makes them, I don’t know what, they don’t like their boss, right? These are all mental states that arise from being in difficult circumstances, it leads us to be in a state of suffering based on aversion.


Resources:

Lopen Ani Pema Deki (Emma Slade)’s website – https://www.emmaslade.com/

Lopen Ani Pema Deki (Emma Slade)’s charity fundraiser – https://www.openingyourhearttobhutan.com/


Special thanks to our sponsors:

Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña, Shuo Mei, Arif, Bernice, Wee Teck, Andrew Yam, Kan Rong Hui, Wei Li Quek, Shirley Shen, Ezra, Joanne Chan, Hsien Li Siaw, Gillian Ang, Wang Shiow Mei, Ong Chye Chye, Melvin, Yoke Kuen, Nai Kai Lee, Amelia Toh, Hannah Law, Shin Hui Chong, Dennis Lee

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Editors and Transcribers of this episode:

Hong Jiayi, Tan Si Jing, Bernice Bay, Cheryl Cheah


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From Swiping to Self-Knowing: My Dhamma Online Dating Diary

From Swiping to Self-Knowing: My Dhamma Online Dating Diary

TLDR: How to navigate the uncertainties of online dating? Learning to want less, expect less and identify what is within and outside of our control can help us know ourselves better.

As a young (<30-year-old) man interested in women, I spent the last four years actively swiping on various dating apps looking for a partner for a long-term relationship. The search has not resulted in a lasting relationship, and I am still single, but all is not lost: reflecting on the process has produced some thoughts that could make dating less painful, which I hope to be able to share.

What the Buddha Said about Attraction

In the very first sutta of the Numbered Discourses (Aṅguttaranikāya), AN 1.1 Cittapariyādānavagga “The Chapter on What Occupies the Mind“, the Buddha was recorded as having said:

“Mendicants, I do not see a single sight that occupies a man’s (woman’s) mind like the sight of a woman. The sight of a woman occupies a man’s mind.”

Of course, the Buddha also said:

“Mendicants, I do not see a single sight that occupies a woman’s mind like the sight of a man. The sight of a man occupies a woman’s mind.”

I think this sutta does describe the underlying drive behind dating. We allow the many facets of others to occupy our minds and thoughts, making them our singular focus—and create for ourselves a world of distinctions, complexities and possibilities (& unhappiness!)

Online Dating: More Than Just Swiping 

Online dating is a process that involves the creation of profiles by interested people—you curate photographs, videos and short descriptions and traits about yourself, list out your preferences in a partner (gender, age, relationship type, etc. ), and the dating app platform searches for suitable people meeting those preferences and presents them to you. Next, you decide if you’d like to connect with them, and if they feel similarly about connecting with you, they accept, and it’s a match! The talking part commences, and possibly an in-person meetup in the future should both parties agree.

The Three Kinds of Uncertainty in Online Dating

From Swiping to Self-Knowing: My Dhamma Online Dating Diary

As simple as the process sounds, looking back, I’d say that my experience of online dating is one that can be characterised by three kinds of uncertainty:

First, the uncertainty in whether I’d meet someone; long stretches of not matching with anyone, wondering if there was something lacking in myself that made me unworthy to be considered, and the additional loneliness I felt through this process of waiting.

Second, the uncertainty in whether I’d get along with the people you meet; people came in with their own expectations, ideas and thoughts about the dating process. Many were just bored, and wanted to see what it was like, without any real interest or investment in the process. Some appeared to be dating according to a checklist, keen to find any point of incompatibility. Others were disinterested, and spoke nothing much. Many matched and neither spoke nor responded to a “hello”, and unmatched soon after. 

Ghosting happened often, expectedly (and also most unexpectedly), and people regularly dropped out of connections that they had no interest in continuing—without even a “this isn’t what I’m looking for, goodbye”. 

(Let me note that: people should not have any obligations to continue conversations that they don’t feel comfortable or safe engaging in. Ghosting can be the best way to end an interaction, especially if further explanation or reason only serves to magnify the discomfort or danger.)

Being ghosted created more self-doubt: was it the quality of my end of the conversation? Was I too serious? Not fun enough? Not interesting enough? Too desperate? Too insecure? Was I not a good person? Was I not good enough? Was it something about me that I could fix? Skill issue? Frustration and unhappiness also arose from being  “unceremoniously” disconnected.

Thirdly, the uncertainty in building a lasting connection. For the few matches for which conversations were responsive and interesting, that I felt increasingly invested in, there was the uncertainty and anxiety in being able to hold on and build something out of the connection. 

Upon reflection, I guess I did also turn people away for being too intensely invested in the process. This came with feelings that it was my flaws that sabotaged it, and wondering if I’d ever meet someone as unique, great and good as them ever again.

Eventually, it also dawned upon me that I had no real sense of what was going on.  I just had an “idea” that I had a stake or an investment in a relationship — I too had no clue what I was going to do with a relationship beyond the first few dates.

Reflecting on my experiences (with the help of the Dhamma) has made them less painful, and I’d like to share some thoughts that’ve comforted me, and helped me to look at the dating process differently.

Wanting Less, Hurting Less

Wanting brings a sort of dissatisfactionso want less: At the root of it, the preoccupation with dating & finding someone is itself a source of suffering. The Buddha taught that the: 

union with what is displeasing is suffering; separation from what is pleasing is suffering; not to get what one wants is suffering”  

SN 56.11 Dhammacakkappavattanasutta

When we find ourselves in relationships that are unfulfilling and unbeneficial, there is unhappiness. Losing, changing, or ending a promising connection that we greatly enjoyed is also a form of unhappiness, and when we seek but do not find someone suitable for us, that is yet another sort of unhappiness.

My takeaway: To moderate my wants & expectations regarding relationships. Although the inevitability of (some degree of) suffering attached to the pursuit of romance and love persists, by letting go of unrealistic or unnecessary expectations about relationships, I subject myself to fewer avenues of suffering. To me, this is a call for simplicity and moderation in my expectations about relationships—to focus on the few and vital aspects that are the most important to me.

Focus on What You Can Actually Control

From Swiping to Self-Knowing: My Dhamma Online Dating Diary

What is within & what is beyond our control: I think we spend too much time and effort on what is outside our control, and too little on what is within our control.

What is outside of our control? Meeting the right person. What is within our control? Our happiness and fulfilment.

My takeaway: We may think that the process of encountering people is entirely within our control, but that isn’t necessarily true. We can do a great deal in setting ourselves up for success—by the ample possession of good morals, qualities, traits, behaviours and habits, by looking for people in the right places (not on online dating platforms perhaps 😜), by ensuring that we are in the right mindset and frame of mind to date. However, we are ultimately dependent on there being a suitable counterpart out there—someone at the right place, right time, who shares a compatible outlook on life. 

The online dating scene is noisy and full of distractions—people are in it for a variety of reasons and try as much as we do to filter incompatible people out, chance and uncertainty features strongly in this process. Just as we don’t expect to be the lucky draw winner for every contest we enter, and aren’t overly disheartened by this outcome, we should practice a sort of patient forbearance” (khanti) in this process, and focus on ensuring that we have done what we can to set ourselves up for success.

My takeaway: We may think that happiness, fulfilment and completeness come from finding the ideal partner, but that isn’t necessarily true.

There are some joys that arise from being partnered, such as the experience and ability to care for and be cared for in romantic relationships, having someone to share and experience life with; but our happiness and fulfilment is largely our own affair.

Even if a partner presented to us all that we need to be happy and fulfilled—whether materially, emotionally, romantically or otherwise—blinded as we are by our expectations and wanting, we would not be able to recognise and appreciate it. The solution to this lies within ourselves.

When we work on ourselves, the most natural and immediate beneficiary is not our (prospective) partner, but ourselves. The cultivation of skilful, beneficial and wholesome qualities brings immediate and long-term improvements to our lives. These traits would also attract like-minded people who appreciate them—an additional plus point. Similarly, the letting go of unskilful, unbeneficial and unwholesome qualities makes us easier to live and interact with, benefiting both ourselves and those around us. When we are easy to get along with, people find our presence enjoyable and less stressful, which is an added bonus.

Know Thyself: The Hardest Swipe

Know Thyself: If I were to condense all of my thoughts about dating learnt over the past four years into a single phrase—it would be “know thyself”. 

My takeaway: We are best placed to truly understand ourselves and what we are looking for in relationships; to know what it is that we actually want and whether it is helpful to us. 

Our continued fixation on idealised images and aspirations about dating brings us a great deal of unhappiness when they go unmet, or when reality is dull compared to our expectations.

Self-knowledge brings perspective on the relative importance of relationships compared to the other things in life: our family, friends, work, spiritual practice, health,  and other life goals.

Could we also find a great deal of contentment, fulfilment and freedom in our current singlehood? If yes, by sowing good causes and conditions, we can patiently wait for the opportunity to meet someone aligned with our approach to life—and discern when a person isn’t suitable for us, and vice-versa .

Ultimately, respect, and concern for the welfare—physical, emotional, mental and sexual—of others underlies the whole process; after all, it is meant to be a joyful and enriching process for both parties after all.

Finding Peace, Not Just a Partner

In the spirit of the ‘Serenity Prayer’ by Reinhold Niebulr: 

“… give us courage to change what must be altered, serenity to accept what can not be helped, and insight to know the one from the other.”

May we aspire and work towards healthier and sustainable tendencies in dating!


  1. Be clear about what I want from relationships – moderate my wants and expectations
  2. To understand what is beyond my control and what is within my control
  3. To know myself – have clarity on what I am looking for in relationships
What a Pooping Stranger Taught Me About Mindfulness & Impermanence

What a Pooping Stranger Taught Me About Mindfulness & Impermanence

On a sunny afternoon, as I was walking towards my local supermarket to stock up on groceries for the week, I noticed a sudden, strong, smelly odor as I was going down the escalator.

This was not usual.

I didn’t know where it came from. As soon as I reached the bottom of the escalator, I saw a fresh, huge “gold” at the end of the escalator, coming from an old man standing in front of me! 

I didn’t over-react like I normally do. Instead, I maintained my awareness and carefully walked past the mess and the stains left by his footprints on my way to the supermarket.

I heaved a sigh of relief and continued with my grocery shopping.

The day just gets ‘worse’

After buying what I needed, I went back to the dormitory. Upon arrival, I realised that my card to enter the dormitory wasn’t on me!

Usually, in similar circumstances, I would start to panic. Various negative scenarios would begin to play out in my mind. But it was different this time.

I directed my mind to think of solutions to get my card back. I recollected the places I had walked past and the actions I had taken while returning to the dormitory from the supermarket. I remembered that I had taken my phone out while buying chicken at the deli and that was probably when the card had accidentally fallen out of my pocket.

I quickly walked back to the supermarket, scanning the floor for my card as I went. Thank goodness when I arrived at the deli, my card was still untouched on the floor. I picked it up and joyfully walked back to the dormitory.

A tale of two mindsets

What a Pooping Stranger Taught Me About Mindfulness & Impermanence

When I got back, I compared the difference in my mental state and behaviour in this situation to my usual conduct. The following is a summary of the comparison:

UsualThis time
Would daydream while walkingWalked with mindfulness 
Living in my own world, unaware of what’s happening around meBeing aware of my surroundings

The experience was abnormal. I had been practising mindfulness meditation for months, but I never expected to witness the fruition of my efforts in such a profound and unexpected moment.

I saw that having added a little bit more mindfulness made my ability to handle incidents with more peace of mind. I was not adding value judgments to situations but rather seeing things with a more balanced approach.

This prevented ‘unfortunate’ moments from becoming ‘unfortunate’ hours, days, months or even years!

Reflecting on the day

As I reflected on the incident that happened that day, I realised that with sati (mindfulness), sampajañña (awareness), and some saddhā (faith) in myself, I can achieve my desired results without any stress—or at least maintain a positive relationship with it.

Recently, I took a short course at my university regarding effective methods and tips for preparing for exams. One of the topics was about dealing with stress. A TED video on stress was shared. 

From the video, I learnt that simply believing that stress is not harmful can reduce the risk of dying, as stress actually helps the body prepare for more challenging tasks. For more information about dealing with stress, you may watch Kelly McGonigal’s TED talk: How to make stress your friend.

So, I can use sampajañña to recognise when I am stressed and notice the negative thoughts associated with it. Then, I can apply sati and a positive perception of stress to change my relationship with it and stop the negative proliferation of thoughts, helping me overcome difficulties without feeling like I’m “dying.” The best of both worlds!

Here is a good guided meditation that you might find helpful for practising sati and sampajañña: Guided Mindfulness Meditation with Ajahn Kalyano

Lessons on impermanence

What a Pooping Stranger Taught Me About Mindfulness & Impermanence

The incident with the old man pooping uncontrollably in public also made me reflect on the nature of impermanence. I may be young now, but one day, I too will be like the old man. Unable to control my bowels or my body. 

This reminded me of King Koravya, a king during the Buddha’s time, who quizzed Buddha’s disciple, Rattapala, on why he was ordained when young. The famous dialogue showed that even the rich and powerful aren’t spared from ageing.

“And what do you think, great king: Are you even now as strong in arm and strong in thigh, as fit, and as seasoned in warfare?”

“Not at all, Master Ratthapala. I’m now a feeble old man, aged, advanced in years, having come to the last stage of life, 80 years old. Sometimes, thinking, ‘I will place my foot here,’ I place it somewhere else.”

“It was in reference to this, great king, that the Blessed One who knows and sees, worthy and rightly self-awakened, said: ‘The world is swept away. It does not endure.’ Having known and seen and heard this, I went forth from the home life into homelessness.”

Impermanence in student life

I recently felt the impact of impermanence in my own life. 

During the semester, I was planning my to-do lists with my roommate so that we wouldn’t get bored during the winter break. Just as I was fantasising about our good times after the final exams, one day, he suddenly told me that he had decided to go back to Vietnam during the break. He couldn’t handle the gloomy days of winter anymore.

In my mind, I had expected that we would do meaningful things together. However, plans do not always keep up with changes. Some things are beyond our control.

A good learning experience on impermanence. The learning experience doesn’t always have to involve death—it can also be about the little things in our daily lives.


Wise Steps:

  • Try to maintain mindfulness and awareness in daily life.
  • Recognise your negative thoughts and learn how to develop a positive relationship with them through mindfulness.
  • Use the thought of impermanence as a trigger to practise awareness and mindfulness in daily life.
Ep 56: Is Letting Go = Laziness? ft. Venerable Sumangala and Soon

Ep 56: Is Letting Go = Laziness? ft. Venerable Sumangala and Soon


Summary

In this episode of Handful of Leaves, Venerable Sumangala shares insights on the practice of letting go and renunciation, emphasising the importance of inner transformation and understanding suffering. She explains how letting go of attachment to ego and external perceptions leads to true freedom and happiness, while still pursuing goals with a balanced approach.


About the Speaker

Venerable Sumaṅgalā Therī is the Abbess of Ariya Vihara Buddhist Society and is an advisor of Gotami Vihara Society in Malaysia. She is one of the recipients of the 23rd Anniversary Outstanding Women Awards (OWBA) 2024, in honour of the United Nations International Women’s Day.

She holds a B.A. in Psychology and in 1999, she completed her M.A. in Industrial and Organizational Psychology, both from Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia. Furthering her academic and spiritual education, Ven. Sumaṅgalā Therī obtained an M.A. in Philosophy (Buddhism) from the International Buddhist College, Thailand in 2011.

Her formal journey into monastic life began in 2005 when she left the household life to become an Anagarika at the age of 19. Her ordination as a Dasasil (akin to a Sāmaṇerī) took place in November 2008 under the sacred Sri Mahābodhi at Bodhgaya, India. On 21 June 2015, she took her higher ordination under the guidance of preceptor Ven. B. Sri Saranankara Nāyaka Mahāthera – the Chief Judiciary Monk of Malaysia, and bhikkhuni preceptor-teacher Ayya Santinī Mahātherī of Indonesia.

In 2015, she pioneered the formation and registration of Ariya Vihara, Malaysia’s first Theravāda Bhikkhunī Nunnery and Dhamma Training Centre. In 2019, she received a government allocated land for the building of the project with construction to commence in the first half of 2025.


Key Takeaways

Letting Go of Ego

True liberation comes from letting go of the ego and not creating more attachments to identity, fame, or success.

Understanding Suffering

The Four Noble Truths guide us to understand that suffering is a result of attachment, and by letting go of desire, we can end suffering.

Balancing Desire and Detachment

Achieving goals and success is natural, but it is important to not become attached to the outcome. Focus on the process and the wellbeing of others.


Transcript

Full Transcript

[00:00:00] Venerable Sumangala: If we live by how other people perceive us, we never live our life.

[00:00:06] Cheryl: Welcome to the Handful of Leaves podcast.

[00:00:08] Cheryl: My name is Cheryl, and today I have a surprise guest host joining me, Soon.

[00:00:14] Soon: Hi everyone. it’s good to be here.

[00:00:18] Cheryl: So today we have a very interesting topic, which is called letting go of becoming. And sometimes the practice is described as going against the flow. And living in the material society seems to be opposite from the peace and zen of the spiritual practice. It’s a lot of becoming to do, milestones to achieve.

[00:00:39] Cheryl: So join me with my co-host, Soon, as we find out about we can balance letting go with the gettings, achieving and becomings of the world. We will speak to Venerable Sumangala, who is a fully ordained nun of 10 vassas to learn more. She is also the president of Ariya Vihara Buddhist Society, Malaysia’s first Theravada (add b-rolls) Bhikkuni Nunnery and Dhamma Training Center, and she is also an advisor to Gotami Vihara Society in Malaysia.

[00:01:09] Cheryl: Welcome, Venerable Sumangala.

[00:01:11] Venerable Sumangala: Thank you.

[00:01:12] Cheryl: You’ve mentioned in previous interviews about your journey on why you became a nun, and one quote that really struck my heart was that you said, when one has a glimpse into the noble truths, it is natural for one to be a renunciant in the Sangha rather than wanting to become a nun.

[00:01:32] Cheryl: Can you please share more on this?

[00:01:34] Venerable Sumangala: Actually from the question itself, we can see there are a few keywords. First is renunciation and then the wanting. Renunciation, in Buddhism is not just about giving up material things, but it’s actually an internal transformation. It’s an internal transformation rooted in insight, means something you have seen directly into the nature of reality. This nature of reality in common word, we say suffering. But I think if we look deeply is the constant change of everything. And also there’s an end to that. To an end to suffering. So when one actually deeply understands the 4 Noble Truths, seeing there is suffering in our life, not life is suffering, yeah? So two different things. There is suffering. So this suffering doesn’t exist by itself. There is a cause to suffering. So if you know the cause, then if you can eliminate the cause, then of course there’s no suffering. So therefore there’s an end to suffering. There’s a way, a gradual training that we can practice that can end our suffering. Because most of us, what we look forward is to be happy, to be free.

[00:02:46] Venerable Sumangala: So we must know how to get there. And the Buddha has provided us this path. Renunciation means we let go attachment and desire more easily when we understand this. True renunciation stems from wisdom and insight in the nature of suffering and working towards ending that suffering. But where else when we want to become, then it is suffering itself because we are actually attached to the idea of identity, fame, and name.

[00:03:20] Venerable Sumangala: And so therefore, it is so important that when we seek for something, the practice is very important. The inner transformation is very important so that we truly see the reality. And then from there, I think renunciation will take its own place. So true liberation actually comes from letting go of the ego, not creating more ego. We may aspire, but then the working on it, the practice is very important.

[00:03:48] Soon: Thank you Venerable Sumangala for that sharing. We are just curious, what’s the most difficult thing that you have let go of and was there any insights and wisdom that helped you, “Okay, it’s time to let go.”

[00:04:00] Venerable Sumangala: At that time actually for me is just to make my mother feel comfortable, but the spirit in my heart is actually burning to be very firm that, you know, that will be my path. One of the learnings that I have about this letting go and from lay life and how people view about life and renunciation too. So, for example, last time when I was still a layperson, I went for a pilgrimage tour to India. And we have this opportunity to shave, and that time I think it was still quite new. That was around 2003.

[00:04:34] Venerable Sumangala: Before that I have the idea of shaving and I used to take my long hair and look at a mirror to see how I looked like. But then when the opportunity came, I kind of hesitated. Because at that time I’m a branch manager and it’s very near to New Year. I’ll be meeting a lot of people, a lot of social function, and then how could I probably answer people, right? So the first thought is that, should I, should I not? Second time again, I was still pondering, but then suddenly my friend told me, she said, “I think you will shave”. I started to reflect. It’s because I’m looking at how people look at me after I shave, so that deterred me. But then interestingly, after the shaving, when I came back to Malaysia, I learned a lot about perception, about ego.

[00:05:26] Venerable Sumangala: First thing when my neighbor met me, she looked very taken aback, something must have happened to me, so I greet them as usual. Good morning, she answer back. And then when I go to the office, I dressed as usual with a bald head. And my executive was very shocked. And then business partners, suppliers, they get very shocked too, because in their thinking, is that what happened to Ms Ong at that time?

[00:05:54] Venerable Sumangala: And for business people, we love sensual pleasures, entertainments. So by looking at that, they will think that people who shave, maybe something shocking happened to their life or traumatic, whether they have gone out of their mind a little bit, or they heartbroken or they have something that’s wrong.

[00:06:14] Venerable Sumangala: When my bosses, we have dinner and then they bring their wife. The first thing they ask me, they say, “miss Ong, since when you are so bold, you know, fashion”. Because they’re into fashion, so their perception is about fashion. So it is very cool, you know with the bald head.

[00:06:31] Venerable Sumangala: And then my boss, “why you shave your hair?” Because for him he has only little hair on his head. So everyday he has a comb and combs to cover his head, and there you are with very nice hair and then you just shave and then get bald. So he wished me, I wish you know your hair grow fast.

[00:06:49] Venerable Sumangala: Actually many different responses. And when I met one uncle in a supermarket, and he approached me, he said, “oh, sister, is your hair related to Buddhism?” I said yes. Then I told him that I went for a pilgrimage and then I didn’t know him and he didn’t know me, and he asked me, “would you like to come to my house?

[00:07:11] Venerable Sumangala: I have a Guanyin of about 500 years old. Would you like to come and have a look?” and there are other people, they shave and when they go back, the mother actually give them a house arrest, thinking that they will go forth, so they just lock them up.

[00:07:26] Venerable Sumangala: Everywhere they go, they follow. And I reflect back. It’s just a haircut, but can you see how people respond? If they think of sickness, they will think that they’re sick. If they’re into fashion, they think you are so cool. And then if they don’t have that, like, my boss the hair is so little and then they see, aiyo, why you give up your hair? So you can see actually how we perceive, how we live by other people’s perceptions.

[00:07:50] Venerable Sumangala: And I think the understanding that I have is that if we live by how other people perceive us, we never live our life. In understanding the truth, I think this is a very important thing because we always have that ego and that ego seeks to be validated by others. So how are we going to find peace and happiness?

[00:08:10] Venerable Sumangala: So letting go oneself, I think is the best of letting go because you no need to hold on to the idea of our self, an identity or image to be taken care all the time because of how other people perceive you, not how you are actually,

[00:08:29] Cheryl: I’m just thinking how we can integrate that into the daily life.

[00:08:35] Cheryl: Most people spend most of the time building their careers, so that identity also become very entrenched in what they achieve, the successes and failures that they bring. How can one practice letting go?

[00:08:46] Venerable Sumangala: Letting go, it’s not about abandoning everything. Letting go is internal insight that sees the true reality of what is. Let go of gripping on something or idea or attachment to an outcome.

[00:09:02] Venerable Sumangala: We keep thinking about the outcome or the success. When we have this idea, it makes us feel very tight and tense and stressed. Everything we do needs desire. Can you see when a person is sick, they don’t have any desire, then nothing happens, right? That in our normal life, even desire is a path under the four roads of success, or ways of success. The first one is chanda, means you must have the aspiration. So in this way, we have a duty to be done because we are still a human. We need to work for our bowl of rice. And therefore we must have the drive.

[00:09:41] Venerable Sumangala: Yeah. We must have the drive to do something which is in accordance to right livelihood. Letting go doesn’t mean we don’t do anything or we give up everything and then become a person who’s like redundant. No, we still have desire, we still do good things. We still also have our goal to be achieved. Let’s say if you are worker, we are paid to do our duty well. So the Buddha also advised us, we perform our duty to the best of our ability, skills. Therefore from there, I think it will lead to good result. And from the good result, it’ll be commensurated with legitimate reward. So it is a natural process.

[00:10:23] Venerable Sumangala: There is an order. For even work, for achieving wellbeing, our wealth. So all those need our desire to work well. But that desire doesn’t lead us to attachment. For example, in the company, and we start to have this idea, “I want to be promoted”. Yeah, the word “I want to”– “I”, the identity is there, “you want”.

[00:10:46] Venerable Sumangala: And so when we do that, then it’ll cause us a lot of stress. When I was working, after five years they interviewed me, “what do you think you will become three years from now?” You know what I write there? I said, “to be happy and to make others happy.” That’s all that, right? Right. That was what I think important in life.

[00:11:08] Venerable Sumangala: But when I work after five years, they have promoted me to become a branch manager. I contributed my part, my knowledge, my skill. I do it well. I do my best. It doesn’t mean that my desire for success is not there, but it’s just that I’m not attached to it, and the process is more important. We already set the goal, then we work on the way to achieve that goal.

[00:11:34] Venerable Sumangala: Then we just let that be the goal, because as we work on it, the goal is coming, the results are coming. We don’t keep thinking about the goal, (but) not doing the part or the necessary actions to achieve the goal. And secondly, in the process of achieving the goal, always remember that we work in harmony. Sometimes we want to achieve the goal, we forget about the process. So the people that work with us, we don’t care. We just want to achieve the goal. So we push them, we stress them out. Then achieve the result is not as what we think. We must always think our wellbeing and the wellbeing of others, and together we can achieve it.

[00:12:13] Cheryl: Letting go is not laziness. And I think you also really embody that, even as a monastic right now where you have so many projects, that you’re running, being the Bhikkuni Training Center and the Gotami Vihara Society. Would you be able to share an example how you are able to go of the outcome while still having that desire to progress the development of female monastics?

[00:12:41] Venerable Sumangala: Actually when I embarked on this path, I felt that monastic life would be the best in continuing this journey. At the same time, then I realized that I have the ability and capacity to also share and to help others who are keen on this path.

[00:12:58] Venerable Sumangala: So in the past, we will have to search on our own. Because we know that the Bhikkhuni revival took place in 1996, so it’s still very, very young, about 20 over years. And I think the best part of it is our lead chief. He’s one of the senior monks who has took his compassionate duty to make this happen in the world.

[00:13:22] Venerable Sumangala: So we are very fortunate in Malaysia in a way that we have a senior monk that who is well known, very respected, who took this path to establish the four fold assembly again. In the past, we only have three. Now we have four back as what the Buddha has set up. People sometimes ask me, “Venerable. Are you not stressed? There’s so many things that’s ongoing.” Sometimes I reflect that when we need to prepare, then we look at the capacity first. When I see that, when my capacity is able to cover additional things for the wellbeing of others, then I think it’s time to execute. Then I will do it.

[00:14:00] Venerable Sumangala: We start with like Ariya Rainbow Kidz program for family Dhamma education. Then we have more people and more capacity. Then I train some of them to also help out. And then after that, then I extend for retreats, then longer retreats and then camps, and then to now Ariya monastic and laity training program.

[00:14:21] Venerable Sumangala: We also look into that because the whole Malaysia, we don’t have any center specifically for the Bhikkhuni. So without a Bhikkhuni center, without a sīmā, then we would not be able to have this capacity to provide the proper way of renunciation and also for the training. Yeah. So it is so important.

[00:14:43] Venerable Sumangala: So the lead chief actually told me that in order for the Bhikkhuni order to flourish, we must have a training center for them, and we must organize a proper training program for the Bhikkhunis. You need to have somebody to lead, and then you mobilize other people to come together. Those like-minded people who also seek for this kind of practice.

[00:15:02] Venerable Sumangala: We are also very fortunate in a way that some of the Bhikkhu Sangha, they all come to also guide us, support us rejoicing with our good development and practice. Yeah, so don’t attach to it, do your best, and when a thing comes, we just pick it up. And then after it’s finished, then we go to the next. Rejoicing with every good things that we do, bring us a lot of energy and happiness.



Special thanks to our sponsors:

Buddhist Youth Network, Lim Soon Kiat, Alvin Chan, Tan Key Seng, Soh Hwee Hoon, Geraldine Tay, Venerable You Guang, Wilson Ng, Diga, Joyce, Tan Jia Yee, Joanne, Suñña, Shuo Mei, Arif, Bernice, Wee Teck, Andrew Yam, Kan Rong Hui, Wei Li Quek, Shirley Shen, Ezra, Joanne Chan, Hsien Li Siaw, Gillian Ang, Wang Shiow Mei, Ong Chye Chye, Melvin, Yoke Kuen, Nai Kai Lee, Amelia Toh, Hannah Law


Editor and transcriber of this episode:

Hong Jia Yi, Ang You Shan, Tan Si Jing, Bernice Bay, Cheryl Cheah


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