Editorās Note: This is a two-part series adapted and edited from PJās blog that captures his insights and reflections as he walks the path.
TLDR: Learn to let go of personal preferences and embrace selflessness. PJ shares how a dramatic bushfire experience reminded him that rationalization is a sign of unwholesome motivations. Explore 5 other lessons from PJās 2-month Rains Retreat. Read Part I here for the first 5 lessons.
6. Let go of personal preferences
Another personal learning, is linked to the understanding that āsankhara is the ultimate sufferingā.
If sankhara is the ultimate suffering, then I shouldnāt be following them so tightly. So a resolution I kept (and still kinda follow nowadays) was to let go of my personal preferences, and to go with the preferences of the other people around me (as far as possible).
This is easier in a retreat than in daily life, TBH: in daily life, I still ultimately hold the responsibility for my welfare, so I am forced to ask myself what I really want.
But this has made it a lot easier to just go with the wishes and preferences of others.
TLDR – let go of your self and its preferences, by going with othersā wishes and preferences
The remaining three learnings came from a very dramatic bushfire which threatened the retreat centre and monastery on the day that the retreat ended, just the day before the monasteryās Kathina . It was a very interesting experience, which I donāt think I will forget! At one point, a fireman told everyone āGuys, Kathina is NOT HAPPENING. There is a FIVE PERCENT CHANCE that Kathina will happen!āā¦and I stayed (with my wife, and three other new friends) to see the five percent. š
7. Good behaviours require no explanation; bad behaviours have Reason as a bodyguard
When the bushfire incident happened, I observed a large range of behaviours from my fellow retreatants.
What was interesting was that, when people did something good, there were usually little or no explanations given (or expected): people just gave a simple description and did it.
For example, one of my fellow retreatants came up to ask me if we should prepare food for the volunteer firemen (there were two of them, Matt and Ron, in a firetruck at the carpark). When I said that I had already offered them food but they said no, he replied, āThey might not feel itās right to say yes, but I donāt think they will say no if we prepare food for them; let me organize thatā and he left to organize the sandwich-making party.
Similarly, nobody said āPlease let me do more good: I need to make more good kamma to survive the bushfireā: people just helped out, which was wonderful and super inspiring to see!
In contrast, when more self-centred requests were aired, invariably these requests were accompanied by a lot of reasoning and logic, along the lines of āI need _ , because of __, __ and ___.ā
It reminded me of an episode from my childhood. My parents sent me to a martial arts class every Sunday to ātoughen me upā as a kid. It was a very harsh environment, and I always dreaded going to the class. I became an expert at coming up with all kinds of lies (I didnāt keep the five precepts as a kid, for sure!), because of this overwhelming sense of dread. And in my mind, I thought that it would be better if I could come up with more reasons why I shouldnāt attend the lesson: I was having a fever, an important test that week, AND my asthma was also acting up.
Itās a tell: if your mind is generating multiple reasons why you should or shouldnāt do something, that probably means your motivations are less than noble.
It also reminded me of this classic quote from David Hume:
Reason is, and ought only to be the slave of the passions, and can never pretend to any other office than to serve and obey them.
TLDR – the more reasons youāre generating to justify your actions, the more you should be suspicious of your real motivations.
8. Positive emotions can substitute and displace negative emotions
The people who showed gratitude to me in person were often the ones who also showed no fear. The reverse was true: the ones who were overcome with fear were often the ones who expressed zero gratitude in person.
To me, this points to a possible solution to fear (& other negative emotions) that the Buddha mentioned in MN 20. Following the Buddha, if you have a negative emotion, substitute it with a positive emotion by choosing a perception that generates that positive emotion.
TLDR – if youāre in the middle of a negative emotion, choose another perception which generates a positive emotion (like gratitude), to displace the negative emotion.
9. What is your real refuge?
The last learning from the bushfire was a question of refuge. Taking refuge means that you rely on something as a place of refuge, a source of safety.
It seemed to me that many people were taking refuge in the five sense world, and not really in the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha.
Because they were constantly holding on to some hope that they could control the world of the five senses to their benefit. Their fear-driven desire (or desire-driven fear: same thing) then drives them to rationalise and proliferate. They canāt let go.
Do you know what is actually scarier than a bushfire? Itās the fires of greed, hatred and delusion. Because these three fires will cause you to repeatedly suffer and suffer. (See the famous fire sermon). And what is the fuel for these three fires? Wanting of the five sense world.
It also seemed to me that many people might have a mistaken understanding of Ajahn Brahmās teachings: Ajahnās teachings are not just fun, bad jokes and games.
Ajahn is actually teaching all of us how to live well, and thus actually also how to die well. Thus, the potential life-death situation we faced in the bushfire was actually a final exam for our practice.
If oneās mind was steady, and one was ready to let go of oneās life even, and focus on letting go, kindness and caring for others, then one probably really understood and trusted in the Buddha Dhamma Sangha.
I strongly encourage most people to take their Dhamma practice more seriously. Always be mindful and kind, by body speech and mind. Practice like you will die in a bushfire. Or, as the Buddha said, like their hair is on fire.
Seriously.
People might know intellectually that they can die at any time, but emotionally they might actually still be in denial.
Because absolutely nothing in the five-sense world is within our control. The sooner we accept it, the easier and smoother our practice and our lives.
Coincidentally, after my retreat, I read a brilliant Dhamma talk by Ayya Vayama on exactly this topic, about what is our real refuge. Unfortunately, I canāt seem to find the pdf of the talk: if you can, I highly recommend reading it.
TLDR – what is your real refuge: the material world or the Teachings?
10. How to be a āmonk at homeā without the Vinaya
In July, I visited Luang Por Ganha in July, and he gave (me) the advice of ābe a monk at home, then be a monk in the monasteryā. By that, he meant to practice towards being a streamwinner (and above) while at home.
During my silent retreat, the more I thought about it, the more it seemed to me to be an insurmountable puzzle. Because the monks have the Vinaya (Discipline code for monastics), which is a set of rules, but also is a kind of training programme which the Buddha had put in place for the monks, to train towards liberation.
As a layperson, how could I then ābe a monk at homeā, when I donāt have the training guidance of the Vinaya? How could I be sure that I wasnāt simply being led by the nose by my defilements?
So after I finished my silent retreat, I went to look for Ajahn Brahm one day and asked him exactly this question.
Ajahn gave a brilliant answer.
Live simply. Renounce, simplify oneās life along the lines of the gradual training.
Meditate a lot.
Do acts of service, but donāt let others know you did them. Donāt do things which build up your sense of self.
Beyond keeping precepts, practice sense restraint.
TLDR – simplify your life along the lines of the gradual training; meditate a lot; serve without credit; sense restraint
Does applying Buddhist principles of compassion and kindness make you a walking doormat at the workplace? PJ Teh, a former Strategic Planning manager at EDB, challenges that view and gives us points to ponder under this mini-article series.
The last section of this mini-article series deals with conducting oneself.Ā Missed the first three? We’ve got your back!
TLDR: How can we avoid becoming the colleague that everyone loves to hate? Asking for advice from your subordinates during your 1-on-1s and applying metta just might be key! In this article, we explore how to treat our colleagues using Dhamma principles.
Unless one lives and works entirely alone, nowadays most work gets done in teams and in companies, where one has to work with other people.
The Dhamma also provides very good advice on how should one treat other people at work.
āThis is beneath meā and other egoistical mindstates
One thing that I have frequently seen is the inflation of ego in the workplace, where oneās work boosts and increases the sense of self.
This manifests in different ways, which I see repeatedly: the belief of āIām so busyā (and secretly taking pride in being overworked); the belief that āthis is beneath meā; over-spending; talking about oneās work all the time; infinite fault-finding; etc.
Again, the Buddhaās advice is a very good direct antidote to the inflated ego from work.
I am frequently reminded of this whenever I recite the Metta sutta, the Buddha’s words on loving-kindness:
Let them be able and upright,
Straightforward and gentle in speech,
Humble and not conceited,
Contented and easily satisfied,
Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways.
Peaceful and calm and wise and skillful,
Not proud or demanding in nature.
This text serves as a reminder that whatās important at work isnāt your āaccomplishmentsā, but your spiritual progress, in these qualities of wisdom, kindness, humility, calm, and peace.
The Buddhaās invitation to criticism
On humility, the Buddha demonstrated this himself: in a sutta, he invited the sangha to criticise his behaviour, as part of the ritual invitation for critique after the Rains Retreat.
Then the Buddha looked around the Saį¹ gha of monks, who were silent. He addressed them: āCome now, monks, I invite you all: Is there anything Iāve done by way of body or speech that you would criticize?ā
The equivalent of this in a corporate context might be to simply ask for advice from a subordinate, in your 1-on-1s.
This type of behaviour is quite unthinkable in many corporate contexts. Still, in this day and age, this might be very necessary, especially as people progress upwards.
There is less in it for people around you to tell you the truth, and power reduces the psychological safety required for people to tell you what they truly think.
Asking for advice and inviting criticism allows you to re-establish your psychological safety, which in turn allows you to get the data points of your potential blind spots from the people around you .
Managers & the placebo effect
Another aspect of dealing with others rests in how we see the people around us in the first place.
One of the most striking books I read that heavily influenced my direction as a manager, was Cure
This was a book about the placebo (and its negative counterpart, the nocebo) effect. Most people think of the placebo as something false or ineffective, but the book emphasised how surprisingly effective placebos can be (e.g. even if I told you that a pill for altitude sickness is a placebo, the placebo apparently can help a significant percentage of patients!)
The act of suggesting that you might get better with a placebo seems to have a surprisingly large effect on the person receiving the suggestion.
This caused me to ponder, what sort of placebo or nocebo effect managers and leaders can have on their subordinates?
If a fake pill can have such a significant impact, wouldnāt a manager or leaderās words have the same (or even bigger) impact?
Whatever a mendicant frequently thinks about and considers becomes their heartās inclination. If they often think about and consider sensual thoughts, theyāve given up the thought of renunciation to cultivate sensual thought. Their mind inclines to sensual thoughts. If they often think about and consider malicious thoughts ā¦ their mind inclines to malicious thoughts. If they often think about and consider cruel thoughts ā¦ their mind inclines to cruel thoughts.
Whatever is oneās inclination of heart, then frequently translates into oneās actions.
This phenomenon that the Buddha outlined above (āwhatever a mendicant frequently thinks about and considers becomes their heartās inclinationā) also appliesbetween people, especially between bosses and subordinates.
If a boss focuses on a subordinateās weaknesses, the subordinate will become less confident, and will also lose motivation; this will affect the quality and quantity of the work, which in turn increases the scrutiny of the boss, leading to a downward spiral.
In contrast, a boss who focuses on a subordinateās strengths leads to greater confidence, and greater motivation; improving the quality and quantity of work, which in turn draws more praise, leading to anupward spiral.
This isnāt to say that one should be all fluffy and āTHINK POSITIVE!ā like Uni-Kitty from the Lego Movie.
Instead, it is about what one chooses to focus on & elaborate on in a colleague, and what one chooses to ignore or let go of.
Remember, the Dhamma is about understanding reality as it actually is, not about remaining deluded.
The Boss who did everything wrongā¦according to me
I had a boss whom I initially found fault with, until one day my wife tired of my complaining and said to me āarenāt you just finding fault with your boss??ā
That caused me to pause, and I realised my wife (as usual) was right! So I resolved to deliberately pay attention to this boss, with a deliberate focus on what I truly admired about my former boss.
Eventually, I realised that I really admired this bossā humility: she never thought about her position and was unabashed to reach out to learn and ask questions if she felt someone had something to teach her.
And I also admired her thoroughness of preparation, which, er, complements my weakness in that regardā¦
Paying attention to my bossā strengths enabled me to figure out how I could better work with her: how could my strengths bolster or complement her strengths?
How could we find someone else in the team to make up for our weaknesses? By paying attention to oneās strengths instead of faultfinding, we became better together as a team.
But how do we give critical feedback?
UniKitty in the Lego Movie is a classic example of delusional positive thinking. Piercing delusion requires us to give feedback to each other (which is what the Buddhist Sangha also does, as you can see from the Vinaya).
So how could we give feedback, especially critical feedback, while still being in line with Buddhist principles, and while also not causing conflict?
The sutta on non-conflict (MN 139) has three criteria for giving critical feedback (āsharp wordsā):
When you know that your sharp words in someoneās presence are true and correct, and beneficial, then you should know the right time to speak. āDonāt talk behind peopleās backs, and donāt speak sharply in their presence.ā
Aranavibhanga sutta (analysis of non-conflict) MN 139
The three criteria are:
1. True & correct (I.e. no lies nor disinformation). This is self-evident.
2. Beneficial (i.e. it is of benefit to the person youāre saying it to). E.g. saying to someone āyour face is ugly because you have a huge moleā might be true, but I cannot imagine any context where this benefits the person youāre saying it to!
3. Right timing. Timing makes a very big difference. For e.g., my wife and I noticed one time that we were having frequent fights just before lunchtime. That helped us to avoid a number of future fights because we then decided to postpone our discussions: amazingly, that removed a lot of the grumpiness which easily escalates into pointless big arguments.
The exact same three criteria are absolutely relevant when youāre giving critical feedback at work, whether it is to a boss, peer or subordinate.
The four types of people to be careful of offending
The more I read the suttas, the more I find it amazing that there are a lot of lessons that are applicable in corporate life. For example, this sutta provides great advice on four types of people to be careful of offending at the workplace:
āA man should not despise an aristocrat of impeccable lineage, high-born and famous, just because theyāre young.
For itās possible that that lord of men, as aristocrat, will gain the throne. And in his anger heāll execute a royal punishment, and have you violently beatenā¦.
ā¦With its rainbow of colours, the snake of fiery breath glides along. It lashes out and bites the fool, both men and women alike.
ā¦A fire devours a huge amount, a conflagration with a blackened trail. A man should not look down on it just because itās young.
For once it gets the fuel itāll become a huge conflagration. Itāll lash out and burn the fool,
ā¦if a mendicant endowed with ethics burn you with their power, youāll have no sons or cattle, nor will your heirs find wealth.
On the surface, this advice might seem archaic, quaint and irrelevant.
But if you consider a āyoung aristocratā as one of those āhigh potentialā people, earmarked for higher things in the company, a āsnakeā as one of those secretly extremely envious and jealous people you encounter in work life, a āfireā as one of the gossip-kings/queens who cannot keep anything to themselves but who deliberately over-share information with everyone, and a mendicant as one of those work-life saints, it suddenly becomes extremely relevant:
– Youāve to be careful not to offend a āyoung aristocratā who in future might become your boss.
– āsnakesā need to be treated with caution, as they might bite you in the back when youāre not careful.
– āfiresā need to be avoided: donāt feed them fuel (i.e. secrets) otherwise your secrets will spread like wildfire if you pissed them off.
– Youāve to be careful not to accidentally offend the āmendicantsā, as the karma of doing them wrong is going to blow back hard on you.
Hence, knowing the people to be careful of, we can apply our effort into associating with the wise folks in the office and avoid the pitfalls of getting into the bad side of these individuals.
Wise Steps:
Work can increase your sense of ego and self. Are you showing any symptoms of an increased sense of self from work?
Choose your perceptions, to trigger positive virtuous cycles. Find areas you admire about the people you work with, especially if you find yourself disliking someone. What is one thing you really admire about them?
Guard our speech: is it true, beneficial, and at the right timing?
Recognise the four types of people whom to be careful of at the workplace. Who is the āprinceā, a āsnakeā, a āfireā and a āmendicantā in your workplace?
