In particular, “choosing our dukkha wisely” would first involve developing the Right View.
An example to illustrate this point…
For someone trying to develop a healthy lifestyle…
Compare the 2 scenarios:
A person decides to eat lots of junk food for supper because he/she feels like it despite setting the goal to be healthier. Thereafter, he/she skips arm and leg days at the gym… AND THEN the next day, suffer from a sore throat, heaviness in the body, and eventually falling sick, developing pimples, looking into the mirror regretfully, feeling guilt and self-loathe…,
VS
A person decides to suffer the pain of delayed gratification, feel the burn for the next 3 days from hitting the gym, training him/herself to have the discipline to resist temptations… BUT, the result is a healthier body, feeling more energised, being proud of him/herself for persevering through, and having more focus in the day.
This is a distinction between someone unaware and inevitably causes themselves more suffering due to a wrong view, versus someone who is aware and chooses short-term suffering in exchange for long-term gains…
(p.s. Both experiences above described me… trust me the first scenario never ends well… hahaha)
While we can’t always maximise pleasure and there will be pain and suffering to some degree in our lives, we can choose to make decisions that honour our long-term values. These decisions should help us develop wholesome qualities in the long run, which will guide us towards the trajectory of awakening.
Ways to Develop the Right View:
According to the Buddha, it’s about first upholding “sila” (ethics) through the 5 precepts. It’s about actively choosing not to cause harm to self, to others, and helping those around us. Borrowing concepts from the therapeutic world, it’s also about choosing to act according to our values. It’s about equipping ourselves with Dhamma knowledge, so we can apply it in our lives to overcome moha (delusion) and reduce ignorance.
When we experience agitation in our minds, we need to start asking ourselves, “Why am I unhappy? What is it that I want?”, “Is this craving something I should let go of because it’s not going to bring me lasting happiness?”, OR “Is it a craving that will remain but I can choose to release the grip I have on it?”
Something I realised during the retreat is that…
As humans, we all have cravings. It is the nature of our minds and the human existence. And as we start to see how these cravings bring about unrealistic expectations and suffering, we should also refrain from blaming and faulting ourselves.
We need to forgive ourselves for what we may have done in the past which we now realise is due to these cravings and strive to do better.
How to Handle Strong Emotions During Our Practice?
As Dhamma practitioners, attempting to apply the Dhamma concepts to our lives and making sense of it may bring up emotions of discomfort. This is natural as we align our behaviours and thoughts more closely to the Dhamma and decide to act “against” our instincts that have been so entrenched and deeply rooted in us.
During the discussions of how to handle strong emotions (i.e. fear, guilt, remorse) when these come up during our sits, Sis Sylvia and co-teacher Bro Chye Chye shared the following pointers:
1. Observe the sensations that arise. Stay curious and open, but also focus long enough to observe the falling of those sensations and thoughts.
2. If the feelings/sensations don’t fall, end the sit and investigate the mental state. Prompting questions could be “What is this fear about?”, “What is it that I want? What is causing this feeling?”
I learnt that the Dhamma practice is about being patient and developing that mental resilience and discipline to stay with discomfort. It is about investigating our mental states to develop wisdom while being gentle with ourselves. It is also about reminding ourselves that we are worthy practitioners as long as we have chosen to practice this path, regardless of how early or late we have started.
“Be Light, Be Joyous”
This was a piece of advice inferred from my experience at the retreat, both from listening to Sis Sylviaβs sharing and also from observing how Dhamma practitioners carry themselves.
This advice not only applies to practising the Dhamma but also describes the attitude we should strive for in life.
As I learn the Dhamma from more people and understand the teachings more deeply, I grow to appreciate how lucky I am to chance upon this at an early age, and in this lifetime.
I have always wondered why there seems to be so much suffering in this world, and yet so much goodness that people have in them. This duality makes me ponder and wonder which side I am on. Maybe it’s part of the quarter-life crisis creeping up on me…Haha.
But something I realise through moments of reflection is that…we have seeds of both the wholesome and the unwholesome. We all experience dukkha in its form, we have cravings, and at some point in our lives, we start to seek answers. There is a part of us that seeks to do better while struggling to do so.
Perhaps this is what it means to be a human.
To struggle, and yet, to continue trying.
To try, and to try once more.
And amidst the trying, we find solace once we can start to see things for what it is.
We realise what is truly important to us.
We start to have more clarity and choose to let go of things that no longer serve us.
We realise that the pain we feel in our hearts is also felt by others as they, too, experience suffering.
And from this understanding, we start to develop true compassion for ourselves and others.
We strive to see everyone as equals because we realise that despite our different forms, we are the same.
And perhaps, that’s when metta and equanimity truly emerge.
Amidst the heaviness that sometimes accompanies life, I realise that the right understanding of the Dhamma also leads to joy and lightness that comes from knowing there is a way out of these needless sufferings. That we can equip ourselves with the right knowledge and mindset to “choose our dukkha wisely”.
The most experienced practitioners are those who can deliver the Dhamma in the most light-hearted yet profound manner (think: Venerable Thubten Chodron, Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche). Through them leading by example, I know that learning and practising the Dhamma is truly a joyous path to be on.
Gratitude for the Right Conditions
As I reflect on all the conditions that have led me to the retreat, I can’t help but feel a strong sense of gratitude and mudita (appreciative joy), seeing fellow kalyΔαΉamitta on this journey.
I am also deeply inspired by Sis Sylvia Bay and Bro Chye who showed us how learning and practising the Dhamma can bring such joy and lightness to one’s heart.
How understanding the Dhamma deeply, applying the Dhamma in our own lives, and developing faith in the Buddha and his teachings, can bring such confidence and clarity to one’s life as a lay practitioner.
And perhaps, this is truly the beauty of the Dhamma.
Even though the Buddha existed more than 2500 years ago, his teachings remain relevant. The closest we can ever get to know the Buddha is probably through the Suttas.
At the same time, he also told us not to blindly believe in what he says but to test it out through direct experience so that we can arrive at our own conclusion… Also known as “Ehi-Passiko“, one of my favourite Pali words.
My final thoughts:
I am starting to realise that… learning and applying the Dhamma is not for the faint-hearted. It’s for those with the courage to pursue the truth, dissect it, and investigate the mind.
This requires the humility to admit that we don’t always know the most, that we are not always right, and to put in the diligence to develop the mental alertness and mindfulness required to verify the Dhamma with our own lived experiences.
It is a process of cultivating the right view, seeking refuge in the Triple Gems (Buddha, Dhamma, Sangha) when we feel lost, and trusting that the practice will guide us towards clarity and inner happiness.
With wisdom comes the lightness of the heart. The ability to see reality for what it is is a journey in itself. One that probably never ends as long as our search for the truth never ceases.
And once the ego stops resisting,
We surrender, enjoy, and trust the unfolding,
And watch the awakening of the Bodhicitta within us…
Sadhu, Sadhu, Sadhu! π
Wise Steps:
Develop Right View: Understand dukkha and the Noble Eightfold Path to make conscious decisions that align with long-term values, reducing unnecessary suffering.
Practise delayed gratification: Endure short-term discomfort (like resisting temptations or working out) for long-term benefits, mastering self-discipline and overcoming unwholesome habits.
Embrace emotional discomfort with mindfulness: Observe strong emotions with curiosity, using them to deepen wisdom instead of reacting impulsively and creating more suffering.
TLDR: From my retreat, I have realised how to stop getting in the way of myself and how to support myself in my spiritual journey by diving deeper and contrasting what the Buddha and society defines as happiness.
Before the retreat, I was feeling trapped with so much anger, ill-will, and desires – all nicely wrapped up in a package and delivered to me.
I didnβt know what to do with it, and understandably, I ended up blaming the people around me or myself instead. As you would have guessed, it did not help me feel any better.
During the second day of our retreat, Sis Sylvia Bay, an esteemed Dhamma practitioner, gave us a crash course in the basics of Buddhist teachings. At the end of the session, I remembered writing in my notebook: “I see the light”.
You see, so many of us are caught in the day-to-day hustle and bustle with no time to reflect on whether we are doing things that truly reflect our values or who we aspire to be.
And even if we did, the beliefs that we hold as human beings, mainly about what makes us happy – are often distorted and inaccurate due to societal conditioning. We think that we know what makes us happy.
But when we put in the time, effort, and money to pursue it, we start to realise that it does not bring us as much happiness as we think it would. Perhaps that happiness was short-lived, or we realised it was not what we thought it to be. Perhaps there was happiness, but there were also stresses that came out of it.
And so, we may ask ourselves… Why does happiness feel so elusive?
It’s like a baby, desperately trying to get our attention, and at the same time, easily wavered and attracted to shiny, fancy items in the external world.
It is constantly moving and on the lookout for the next thing it could attach itself to, so that pleasure can be maximised.
But at what cost?
Like a parent who struggles with a baby, frustration and agitation arise when we can’t seem to control our minds. It doesn’t help that in this modern day and age, there are simply too many things fighting for our attention – be it at shopping malls, or on social media. This can add fuel to the fire, making it harder for our minds to rest.
“Choose Your Dukkha Wisely”
During the retreat, there was a joke going around about how this phrase should be printed on future Daywa shirts: “Choose your Dukkha Wisely”, as shared by my Dhamma friend, Heng Xuan.
What does it mean to choose our dukkha wisely?
“Dukkha” refers to the suffering/unsatisfactoriness that plagues us as human beings, which comes in the form of unsatisfactoriness and unhappiness in life.
According to the Buddha, the cause of dukkha is craving (2nd noble truth). Each time we want something, be it an object, an accolade, an affirmation, or even simply wanting people to like us… These would ultimately lead to suffering because we have the wrong view that these things are permanent and we rely on them to give us happiness.
Growing up, we chase what society tells us is “good for you“, be it good grades, a job promotion, lots of money, a big house, etc.
How many times have we heard stories of people chasing all of these in the corporate world, only to realise that the happiness it brings is not only transient but unreliable?
How many times have we heard of stories that also shared about how living a life that is true to our values and doing what we love is likely to bring us contentment and happiness, despite “having less”?
As I listened to the Dhamma sharing by Sis Sylvia, it suddenly dawned upon me that such. is. life.
This is the human condition and traits of the existence of life.
As humans, we are born with seeds of desires, lust, anger, ill will, and perhaps hatred. We are conditioned by society to think, act, and behave in a certain way since young. As a result, we may be unknowingly watering these seeds without the awareness that it inevitably brings us dukkha.
We think that having more brings us happiness, so we frantically purchase items online when it’s 1/1 or 11/11. We think that we have to be right, and so we try to disprove another’s opinion when it differs from our own. We dislike people who dislike us or do not respect us.
And yet, as humans, we are also born with seeds of goodness. Seeds of compassion, metta (loving-kindness), generosity, and a sense of conscience guide us along this path. Or perhaps, as Buddhists, we can think of it as getting in touch with our bodhicitta and living out the qualities of the Buddha.
So how to choose our Dukkha Wisely? Stay tuned for Part II
Wise Steps:
Understand the nature of our minds
Tame the mind through Dhamma learning and meditation
Be patient and gentle with yourself through this journey
Wholesome Wednesdays (WW): Bringing you curated positive content on Wednesdays to uplift your hump day.
In life, we often choose what makes us feel good first and avoid the unpleasant. But scientists discovered that prioritising happiness can backfire and move us further away from being truly happy. But what exactly is happiness and how can we pursue it successfully? Here are two sharings that offer some answers:
1. Donβt chase happiness. Become antifragile. 2. Choose pain first
Donβt chase happiness. Become antifragile.
Cr: Unsplash
What’s going on here & Why we like it
Tal Ben-Shahar, a positive psychologist, used the analogy of the sun to describe the happiness paradox. If we look at the sun directly, weβll hurt our eyes. Similarly, if we pursue happiness directly, weβll end up depressed. To resolve this paradox is to understand that
“a happy life doesnβt mean being happy all the time. Learning to accept, and even embrace painful emotions is an important part of a happy life.“
This is parallel to the First and Second Noble Truths that the Buddha taught.
The first noble truth is all about recognising the presence of suffering and understanding it. The second noble truth states that the reason for suffering is the craving for sensuality, the craving for becoming, and the craving for non-becoming. This means that the more we want to become happier, the more we might suffer.
The more we donβt want to be unhappy, the more we also suffer. But that doesnβt mean we shouldnβt pursue happiness at all, we just do it indirectly, as Tal Ben-Shahar shares. How? Using the practical framework called S.P.I.R.E to attain that whole being. Because happiness is much more than pleasure, happiness is a whole being. Similarly, the Buddha also prescribed a framework for happiness – the Noble 8-fold path.
Wise Steps
The next time you experience pain, investigate and explore how you can use it to grow your resilience.
Reevaluate how you pursue happiness in life and aim to adopt a holistic approach.
James Clear, author of Atomic habits, who is known for his wisdom in productivity shares the benefits of doing the painful things first.
We are more likely to remember our lives as happy if they improve over time.
This is pretty much like the Chinese saying ε θ¦εη , directly translated as bitter first, sweet after, which is usually used to describe how one will reap the rewards after the pain and hard work.
Reflecting on this principle in our practice, how often do we expect to experience peace right away in our meditation? Perhaps we give up on meditation because sitting with restlessness or boredom or physical discomfort is tough. But what if we recognise that noticing discomfort is step 1 of the process? If we can be a little more patient with the pain, and see it as a part of progress, we will experience bliss right after. We’re sure that seasoned meditators would agree.
No pain no gain, some would say. Of course, we’re not suggesting that you deliberately make your life difficult. Rather, we’re suggesting that you embrace the inevitable difficult parts of life and use them skilfully for growth.
In this article by James Clear, you can find many examples of how choosing to do the painful thing first is beneficial. James also suggests multiple ways we can use this approach in life for us to see our life as a happier one.
Wise Steps
Choose to do the βpainfulβ thing first and end your day with the delightful.
TLDR: Be mindful of the underlying metaphors that shape your view of relationships. Relationships are not transactions to be balanced out, but collaborative artworks that are infinitely deep. Give selflessly with no expectation of return. Ironically, this is also how you are rewarded with beautiful and deep connections.
My Journey Into Seeking βBalanceβ
I am not sure which came first – my fascination with order or obsession with building card towers. Either way, this childhood hobby created an attraction to balance. I recall many Chinese New Year holidays where I would eye decks of poker cards and make mental notes to squirrel them away as building blocks for my castles and city blocks.
And though I certainly delighted in the splendour of a make-believe cityscape, my deepest absorption was reserved for the delicate balancing act of 2 plain poker cards, repeated ad infinitum.
Years later, this hobby faded away, leaving a faint but indelible psychological imprint. This shaped the way I arranged my academic life, family time and relationships.
My secondary school life was the first proving ground for this worldview. Friendships were cordial, positive and respectful. I excelled in group discussions, where everyone gets proportionate air time. I was a reliable team member in group projects, where I always put in my fair share of work.
Being a natural listener, I made sure to listen and speak in equal measures, I was an easy conversationalist who struck up many acquaintances. Favours were always reciprocated. All these made me an uncontroversial choice for the class monitor, and eventually the consortium council chairperson.
Everything stood in beautiful order, and I played my discrete role in this tower of cards to the tee.
When Balancing Everything Frays
And yet, these neat, clean lines showed signs of fraying. Somehow, I was deeply unsettled in more personal settings like stay-overs and class barbecues, where our roles and lines blurred into a confusing mix of funny personal stories, boyish mocking and crude jokes. This discomfort didn’t entirely stem from a growing sense of moral superiority.
Even as a council chairman, there was an invisible wall that separated me from the rest of my executive committee. This wall thinned during official meetings, thickened in informal work sessions and get-togethers. Was I drawing my boundary lines too thickly and sharply? Could they be drawn any other way?
Someone once told me that life will keep teaching you the same lesson until you learn it. In my case with relationships, the lesson first came in pricks and then bludgeons.
Who Should Pay for The Food?
We were at a Bishan hawker centre filled with the usual lunch crowd. I parked our bags down on a recently vacated table and signalled my girlfriend to buy our lunch. She hesitated a moment and then merged into the crowd. I sensed something was off but brushed it off.
Later, on our walk home, with eyes downcast, she remarked with a touch of resentment that she had paid for our meal.
“I footed the last few bills, isn’t it only fair that we split?”, I protested almost immediately. In my mind, our 2 poker cards had started tipping over, and her paying for our last meal tipped them back into poise. At that moment though, something else hung in the balance.
“Yes, that makes sense dear, but in our relationship, I had expected you to pay for the meals.”, she said softly.
That comment hit a deep, raw nerve, setting off an emotional quarrel about values and equality, a quarrel that did not resolve when we reached her house.
I turned away, fuming, without so much as a goodbye. She later called, apologized for the comment, and we agreed to an uneasy truce that we would split our couple expenses down the middle.
Like a hastily plastered band-aid, this agreement tided us through easy and safe couple activities over the next few weeks but tore apart in the face of the truly difficult issues.
When Seeking βBalanceβ Spirals into Pain
We were talking about settling down, and the question of who was paying for the house naturally came into the picture. I wanted us to split the expenses proportional to our income; she wanted me to shoulder the entire cost. This was the meal payment quarrel all over again, on a larger magnitude.
Almost immediately, the same disagreements erupted with greater fury. We argued for weeks, with frustration and mounting anger.
I was adamant about following the principle of fairness, of staying true to the idea of gender equality in treatment and contributions.
I was taken aback by her outdated concept that males should be the leader of the household. She wanted to be assured that I could provide for the family and felt insecure about her economic future because of her hip condition which might render her wheelchair-bound in a few decades. Above all, she sincerely believed that relationships shouldn’t be about transactions. The house of cards was coming apart.
In a moment of darkness, after what felt like our umpteenth call that ended in logical logjams and emotional breakdowns, I seriously wondered if I had made a wrong choice of partner.
Uncovering The Author of My Pain
What hurt me the most was how this recent row contrasted with the deep sense of connection and resonance we shared in every other aspect of our relationship. How could such an otherwise beautiful and stable relationship crumble so quickly just because of a crude matter of dollars and cents?
Our shared vision of a future family, the beautiful child we dreamed about, the cosy home we talked about all felt like naive lies we told ourselves.
Tall, black walls of emotional anguish enveloped me. Our house of cards was being demolished.
She called again, I answered.
“I had been thinking. If we can’t agree on such a fundamental belief, then perhaps, we might not be meant for each other,” I said quietly. She paused. In that heavy pause, the whole world ground to a standstill.
“Why would you…why would you say that?”, she managed a feeble reply, in between muffled sobs.
Right there and then, it struck me how much pain I was causing myself and her. It struck me that the way out of this impasse was not more incisive logic. It struck me that perhaps, just perhaps, I had dead-ended in a maze of my creation.
“Actually, you know what,”, I sighed a breath of relief, “I’ll pay for the house.”
The Givers, The Takers, and The Matchers
When I came across Adam Grant’s work about giving, it gave voice to my growing realization of how my metaphors for relationships had stretched beyond its limits.
According to Grant, there are 3 broad types of people, namely givers, takers and matchers. Givers derive immense joy from giving to others, takers burn bridges by asking for favours and not giving back, and matchers always seek to balance every favour and thing. If it is not already obvious, I was a true blue matcher.
Though matchers may seem the most pragmatic in this dog-eat-dog world, it is the givers who experience the most unbridled joy in their relationships.
Rethinking Balance and Seeing Artwork in Relationships
If anything, my most intimate relationships have taught me that this metaphor of balance between 2 people hinders deeper connection. This idea of balance creates a misconstrued duality between the self and others.
Perhaps a more enriching metaphor is that of a collaborative artwork, where every single brushstroke, regardless of who it came from, adds to the beauty of the infinite, ever-deepening whole. Give selflessly without any expectation of reward, and ironically, you will be rewarded with the most breathtaking and meaningful masterpiece.
If you are wondering, these days I generally pay for meals and she foots the other bills. This is not so much a calculated arrangement as an organic evolution in how we express our contributions to this piece of art we call our relationship.
We also don’t keep score anymore, but it does seem that somehow, we end up shelling out equal amounts at the end of the day. Maybe, just maybe, the 2 cards don’t need the straining attention of this recovering matcher to balance after all.
Wise Steps:
Review how you view and treat your relationships. Are you a giver, taker or matcher?
Evaluate if your relationships are where you want them to be. Are they a source of joy and beauty? If not, what are the underlying reasons?
In your most important relationships, think of 3 ways in which you can give selflessly, solely for the joy of the other party. Act on them as soon as you can.
