Breakups, Buddhism, and me: A sharing of unexpected healing

Breakups, Buddhism, and me: A sharing of unexpected healing

TLDR: This article is a continuation of my previous article about falling into depression. Here I describe the phase of recovering from depression and along the way learning Dhamma backwards, from experience to theory. 

Note to readers: this article only reflects my personal journey through mental illness. Please seek professional medical advice if you are feeling unwell. You may read part I here.

The training  

Thinking about my loved ones, I decided to try and solve this depressive state I am in. If I am already ready to end everything, what else can I lose right?  

The first thing I turned to.. was YouTube. 

I was searching for ways to overcome sadness or how to overcome a broken relationship.  

The search on YouTube returned two sources of information: meditation guidance by Mingyur Rinpoche and Q&A sessions by an Indian Mystic to Indian university students.  

The training begins.  

The noble truth of suffering  

Breakups, Buddhism, and me: A sharing of unexpected healing
  • Sickness is suffering  
  • Not getting what you want is suffering 
  • Being separated from what you want is suffering.  

These three phrases summed up what I was going through during my depression. I did not want to have a negative mind so I constantly fought the sick mind which was full of negative thoughts and feelings.


Constantly replaying memories of my past broken relationship, I relished in the past. After the memories stopped playing, I came back to reality, realizing that I would never get back to the relationship. Not getting what I wanted, I suffered.

Origin of suffering is craving 

  • I can never get back the familiar relationship that I want. But I want a sense of familiarity. 
  • I can never be with the person that I was familiar with. But I want the comfort of being with the person. 
  • I am drowning in negative thoughts and feelings. I don’t want pain!  

These thoughts of wanting and not getting it replayed in my head. So much dukkha.  

To try and overcome the depression, I followed Mingyur Rinpoche’s meditation technique to visualize my thoughts and feelings like clouds in my mind. Whenever you see thoughts and feelings arise, treat them like clouds and see them fade away.  

Easier said than done.

For the first year of meditation to overcome depression, I never meditated for more than 15 minutes. Sitting down in meditation and watching my mind, negative feelings and thoughts swamped me within seconds and minutes. I got tired from the activities of the mind so I fell asleep tired.  

A side note, it was after reading MN10 Satipaṭṭhānasutta that I realized that I should have started meditation from the body first instead of feelings. But I wouldn’t have known it back then.

All mental phenomena have mind as their forerunner;
they have mind as their chief; they are mind-made.
If one speaks or acts with an evil mind,
dukkha‘ follows him just as the wheel follows the hoofprint of the ox that draws the cart.
Dhammapada 1

The mind will drift in the direction you guide it towards. In the initial stages where I still had not accepted the broken relationship, I saw the negative thoughts and feelings, and I followed them and relished in them, to replay the memories of the past. 

Cessation of craving leads to the cessation of suffering 

What helped me to get over the negative thoughts and feelings of a break-up? Acknowledging that the relationship was over and it was time to move on helped. I set the intention to see my negative thoughts and feelings and acknowledge them, instead of fighting them (not wanting the thoughts and feelings) or chasing them (wanting and relishing in the thoughts) 

  • “You are not your body, you are not your mind” 
  • “Once you put some distance between yourself and your body and mind, that’s the end of suffering”  
  • “If you are in the river, you cannot see the river. If you are outside the river, you can see the river.” 

These phases gave me progress in meditation through depression. 

I stopped the strong craving for the negative thoughts and feelings to go away. I stopped fighting the thoughts and feelings. I put some distance between me, the observer, and the thoughts and feelings (the grasping aggregates).  

I was like a person in a cinema watching the memories and feelings play out in the mental cinema of my mind.  

The meditation got easier and slowly, I became the observer of the raging thoughts and emotions. I saw the thoughts and emotions arise and I saw them slowly fading away.  

Honey-Cake sutta 

Breakups, Buddhism, and me: A sharing of unexpected healing

To give a little more flavour of my journey through mental illness, I’ll use the Honey-Cake sutta.  

Sense organs (e.g. eyes) + sense consciousness (a functioning eye) + Phenomenon (Sights from the surrounding). The meeting of the three, is contact.
Contact is a condition for feelings.

What you feel, you perceive. What you perceive, you think about. What you think about, you proliferate. – MN 18 The Honey-Cake

What do all these mean?  

After my breakup, whenever I saw couples, the sight of them triggered all the memories in my mind. My mind started to feel all the past feelings and memories came flooding out. Holding onto the feelings and memories, I craved for the past. All these actions happened in just a split second.  

When I became more mindful, I saw that I was seeing, I was aware that I was seeing. So when I saw couples, I was mindful that thoughts and feelings arose. Then I watched the thoughts and feelings play out in my mind. Not getting carried away by the mental drama of thoughts and feelings, I saw the mental drama slowly fade away.  

Beyond the flood  

After meditating for four years, I can see my own aggregates objectively. Whenever the aggregates get triggered by contact with the inner world (thinking about the past) or the outside world (when I see couples), I can see the aggregates at some distance and not get carried away.  

The thoughts and feelings of the breakup are still there. But the aversion to the thought and feelings became much much weaker. Negative thoughts and feelings became just thoughts and feelings. There is no need to label the aggregates as good or bad. Aggregates are just phenomena that arise and if you watch them with some distance, not getting carried away, they fade away. 

nibbida — disenchantment;

viraga — dispassion;

nirodha — cessation;

vimutti — Liberation

Reference: Upanisasutta – SN12.23

Once you stop getting enchanted/attracted (nibbida) by your aggregates (negative thoughts and feelings in this case), you develop viraga (dispassion). Eventually, you get tired of engaging with the negative thoughts and feelings, then it becomes nirodha (cessation). Finally, vimutti, freedom from the grasp of the negative mind states.  

What about learning Dhamma backwards?  

Throughout the article, I have thrown in Dhamma concepts and Pali words. But throughout the four years when I was meditating to overcome depression, I never learned any Dhamma concepts. 

I never knew about the noble truths, five grasping aggregates, six sense bases etc. 

It was only after four years of meditation that my mental conditioning became stable. I went to search for answers about the journey I had been through.  

This meant, to me, that Dhamma is the reality around us. Dhamma is not just theory in a book to me because I experienced the Dhamma. With the practice of meditation, there is a gradual development of dispassion towards those raging emotions and grasping aggregates.

I learnt through experiencing the Dhamma before searching for theoretical knowledge in the suttas.  

Resources I found 

My search to relate my experience to Dhamma concepts took me to Buddhist Fellowship and DAYWA. Through Buddhist Fellowship, I attended the Dhamma Foundation Course (DFC) conducted by Sister Sylvia Bay and Brother Ong Chye Chye.  

The detailed and lively lessons of Sis Sylvia and Bro Chye gave me the Dhamma roadmap to link what I experienced to the Dhamma taught by the Buddha. Lessons included discussions and meditation sessions for participants to understand and experience the Dhamma concepts and bring the concepts to life.  

DAYWA, aka Dhamma Assembly for Young Working Adults, is a group of young Buddhist practitioners. It is through DAYWA that I found like-minded friends who are committed to the practice and discuss our journey together. Through the events and discussions, I learned more about the Dhamma and grew in my Dhamma journey.  

Disclaimer: To highlight any conflict of interest, I volunteer at both Buddhist Fellowship and DAYWA at the time of writing this article. But to see if I am biased or not, it is for the wise to visit these organizations and see it for themselves 🙂 

Concluding points 

My intention in sharing my journey is to give my version of going through a mental illness. Everyone’s situation of suffering (dukkha) might be a little different, ranging from minor dissatisfaction to severe depression.  

Being aware of the suffering is the first step and having the intention to take steps to overcome the suffering to bring you more peace is a wholesome act that deserves praise. 

The journey to reduce our suffering is a long one. But the Dhamma is a gradual training path and every effort we make can bring us to more peace and joy. Meeting the Dhamma and gaining even one minute of peace from the flood of your mind is like finding an oasis in the vast desert.

Sabbe Satta Sukhita Hontu. May all beings be happy. 

Mental health resources for those in need:


Wise steps 

  1. Acknowledge your grasping aggregates (body, feelings, thoughts, perceptions and consciousness).  
  2. Learn to see your aggregates in a neutral manner. Not satisfying your aggregates and not fighting your aggregates 
  3. In the Dhamma journey, learn moderation to reduce craving. 
Dhamma vs. Adhamma (ft. Uncle Vijaya)

Dhamma vs. Adhamma (ft. Uncle Vijaya)

Summary

In the vast ocean of teachings, how do we discern the true Dhamma from the false? This question echoes through the ages, resonating in the hearts of seekers and practitioners alike. In a recent conversation with Uncle Vijaya, we delve deep into this inquiry, shedding light on crucial steps for navigating the path of Buddhism amidst a sea of teachings.

About the Speaker

Vijaya Samarawickrama, fondly known as Uncle Vijaya, is a respected figure within Buddhist communities, delivering countless inspiring Dhamma talks at universities, schools, and Dhamma centres throughout Malaysia, as well as in Singapore and Australia, spanning over six decades. In addition to his speaking engagements, he held the role of Patron at the Sasana Abhiwurdhi Wardhana Society in Kuala Lumpur and served as the Chairman of Nalanda Institute’s Education team. He represented Malaysia in various Buddhist conventions and conferences, both locally and internationally. He has authored over a dozen booklets, with more than 150,000 copies distributed worldwide. Before his retirement, he held the position of a senior lecturer at Universiti Teknologi Malaysia and worked as a lecturer in Drama and Theatre, Public Speaking, and World Religion at Taylor’s University American Degree Program.

Key Takeaways

Staying Faithful to the Buddha’s Words

At the heart of discernment lies the Buddha’s seal of approval. Uncle Vijaya emphasizes the significance of aligning teachings with the canonized scriptures, known as the Nikayas. These ancient texts, meticulously preserved through oral tradition, serve as a benchmark for authenticity. As the Buddha explained to Venerable Gotami in Aṅguttaranikāya (Numbered Discourses) 8.53:

“You might know that certain things lead to dispassion, not passion; to unyoking, not to yoking; to dispersal, not accumulation (of worldly gains); to fewer desires, not more; to contentment, not lack of contentment; to seclusion, not crowding; to energy, not laziness; to being unburdensome, not being burdensome. Categorically, you should remember these things as the teaching, the training, and the Teacher’s instructions.”

Guidance of Wise Teachers

In the journey of discernment, wise mentors illuminate the path. Cheryl and Uncle Vijaya stress the importance of seeking guidance from experienced practitioners who embody the teachings they impart. Discerning true Dhamma requires more than intellectual understanding; it demands experiential wisdom nurtured through the guidance of compassionate and knowledgeable teachers. With humility and patience, seekers can gradually deepen their understanding and practice, following the footsteps of those who have traversed the path before them.

In essence, discerning true Dhamma from false teachings is a journey of self-discovery and inner transformation. By anchoring ourselves in the Buddha’s timeless wisdom, seeking guidance from wise mentors, and nurturing inner virtues, we navigate the path with clarity and purpose. As Uncle Vijaya reminds us, amidst the myriad teachings and traditions, the true Dhamma shines as a beacon of liberation, guiding us toward the ultimate goal of awakening.

Transcript:

Full Transcript

[00:00:00] Cheryl: Welcome to the Handful of Leaves podcast. My name is Cheryl. And with me I have Uncle Vijaya. For those who are big fans of our YouTube and our podcast, you will recognize that Uncle Vijaya has done an episode with us before. So I’m very excited to have Uncle Vijaya back.

I’m excited to be here too.

Awesome. we will be talking about distinguishing between false Dhamma and true Dhamma. nowadays there’s so many people who teach Dhamma. If you just Google or you just YouTube, everyone calls themselves a Dhamma teacher.

We have lay people, we have monastics, random people. So information is everywhere and anyone can package their teachings as the way to enlightenment. So for those who are interested in Buddhism, how can we discern that we’re truly learning the Buddha’s words and the Eightfold path?

So, Uncle Vijaya is awesome. He’s so experienced, very, very experienced Dhamma teacher. And I can’t think of anyone better who will enlighten us on this topic.

[00:01:06] Uncle Vijaya: No.

Thank you. Okay. So, what we in Buddhist circles would call what you are referring to is Adhamma. Dhamma is that which is approved by the Buddha, taught by the Buddha, and we’re very fortunate that even during the Buddha’s time, when he was still alive, what he taught was codified, classified and approved by the Buddha. I’ll go into that in a minute. But, during the Buddha’s time also, this was necessitated by the fact that there was a lot of Adhamma going on. Adhamma meaning that which is not Dhamma.

And a lot of people were either on their own making claims or for publicity purposes, misrepresenting the Buddha. One is misrepresenting, one is genuinely not understanding. Behind all of this is the fact that the Dhamma is not easy to understand. It is not for the faint-hearted. Yeah, the Buddha realized that immediately after his enlightenment. He asked himself whether he should share this Dhamma, which has brought him so much of personal benefit. Then he hesitated And he said it’s too difficult.

It is too complex and it is may not be worth his while to try and explain it to people whose eyes are covered with dust, who cannot see. So it’s a waste of time. He was on the verge of moving away because of the possibility that Adhamma would interfere. Whether he wanted to go and waste the rest of his life or the thought occurred to him, why don’t he become a Pacceka Buddha. Pacceka Buddhas are Buddhas, in exactly like our Buddha but they do not have the ability to teach. So they are called silent Buddhas. So the Buddha thought of becoming a Pacceka Buddha.

[00:03:25] Cheryl: This is a very profound moment because in the past the Buddha actually forsake the opportunity to become an Arahant because he wanted to become a Buddha to benefit all sentient beings.

But the fact that when he became a Buddha, he then had the doubts of whether he should teach. So it really points to how sublime this Dhamma is.

[00:03:48] Uncle Vijaya: How sublime…… It wasn’t the failing on the Buddha’s part, but the Buddha’s own realization of whether there are beings that would understand. Why waste? Why cast pearls before swine? You know, so when that thought occurred to him, we are so lucky. Venerable Sangharakshita says that mankind’s fate hung in the balance, very dramatic. Now, should I, should I not. And then Maha Brahma comes down and pleads with the Buddha and says, please do go ahead and teach because there are beings with little dust in their eyes.

And then the Buddha said, it’s not that the Buddha needed to be told that, the Buddha knew it. But I think this is the way of expressing that there was a need, and there was the assurance. History has shown that he made the right decision to teach because there were so many who benefited right down to our own time.

Okay. So it was Maha Brahma who pleaded with the Buddha to teach the Dhamma, and the Buddha proceeded. And the Buddha achieved a lot. During the 45 years of his teaching, there was so much of Adamma as well.

Some were doing it viciously, others were doing it innocently. They didn’t understand. And the Buddha had to constantly remind his followers to go ahead and follow his Dhamma. And he made many, many discourses where he separated the Dhamma from the Adhamma, yeah?

How do you differentiate between the two? And we are fortunate in that the Buddha himself Approved what is Dhamma and what is not.

One incident is, just before the Buddha passed away, the Buddha was already quite old, reaching the end of his career, and one of the strongest opponents, those who are teaching other views, was a Philosopher called Nigantha Nātaputta. And he had just died.

And after he died, because he had not made clear what it is that he was teaching, and he made final decisions on what to teach and what not to teach, when he died, there was a huge amount of controversy. And it became very ugly.

Okay. Now we come back to the Buddha. So the Buddha was in this place, and he had given the Dhamma talk, and he said, okay, now it’s time. I want to rest. And it goes, Sariputta, while I am resting, I can see that the monks are very alert, they are not sleepy, you see, and they are ready for more Dhamma talk. So while I rest, you go ahead and teach on my behalf.

Get the picture? It’s late in the evening, Buddha had just finished, monks were still alert and ready to listen more. And Sariputta was told, okay, please deputize for me. And Sariputta said, now that Nigantha Nātaputta has just died, there’s so much of controversy because there’s no authority to say what is the truth and what is not. We will avoid this. So he said that to do this, he will list out everything that the Buddha taught. Now we know that the popular saying is there were 84000 units of Dhamma that the Buddha taught over his 45 years. So he said, let us codify that. Let us collate that. Let us organize that.

Okay, and remember it was a culture which had no writing. It was an oral culture. and Venerable Sariputta decided to chant together in the Digha Nikaya. Yeah, it is recorded as the chanting together, Saṅgīti Sutta (DN 33). So he said, let us all together recite everything that the Buddha taught, right? And they used a device which we use for remembering, mnemonics because it’s not a written device. It’s an oral thing and to remember, so what they did was they put this knowledge that they had accumulated, uh, codified it into 1, 2, 3.

What is 1…

what is 2…

what is 3… Triple Gem. Anicca, Dukkha, Anatta. All the 3s, all the 4s, all the way down.

So the whole night, Sariputta and the rest of the monks together recited everything, they rehearsed. Everything that the Buddha spoke on in ones, twos, threes, fours, and so on, right? And by the time they finished, it was already morning. And the Buddha got up from his rest. And he said, I heard it all. I approve. Sadhu! Yes, my hair also stands on end, Sadhu! Because that tells us that we have right down to our time what the Buddha taught. This is the Dhamma, right? And anything that is not included in this, that is not the Dhamma.

[00:09:51] Cheryl: So, this gives a lot of assurance and confidence that whenever we hear something that we’re not sure of, we can go back and check because the Buddha gave the stamp of approval.

[00:10:02] Uncle Vijaya: Absolutely. That was when the Budha was still alive. Immediately after the Budha died, seven months after he died, we had the First Council (483 BC). And in that First Council,

Venerable Ananda, “thus have I heard”.

One of the arrangements that Venerable Ananda made with the Buddha before he agreed to serve him was whatever Dhamma talk that the Buddha gave, if he had not been present, the Buddha would repeat. So, Venerable Ananda, he had a fantastic memory. Yeah, he listened and he remembered everything that the Buddha had taught in his presence as well as outside of it. For example, it is said that he spent three months in Tāvatiṃsa heaven preaching to his mother.

When he came back, he repeated that to Venerable Ananda, so that when the First Council took place, very soon, while it was still hot it was recorded again, using the same mnemonic device of ones, twos, threes. So we can be rest assured that this is the Dhamma. If any other teaching comes about later, well and good, provided that it fits in with the teaching of Dhamma.

Why did I say that? Because the Buddha said don’t reject everything as not Dhamma. Sometimes it can qualify, although the Buddha himself didn’t say it’s Dhamma, because he says his teaching is like the footprint of the elephant. It is the biggest footprint in the jungle. All other footprints will fit into that.

So other religions would also teach Dhamma mixed with Adhamma. The Buddha’s Four Noble Truths is the Dhamma and it’s not adulterated. This is the beauty of the Buddha’s teaching from then until now. Don’t condemn everybody else. He always says don’t condemn others. What they say may have elements of Dhamma. Look for that. And then this coincides with what the Buddha had taught. So accept. This way we avoid a whole lot of quarrels and so on. To say that all religions teach false, except Buddhism, the Buddha says, no, that is not a sensible way of approaching it. Yeah, if what they say coincides with what the Buddha said, well and good.

If it is not, without rancor, without anger, without bad manners, don’t reject. Just let it go. There you go. Just don’t accept. So this is the Dhamma and Adhamma. We are saying this because in today’s day and age with internet and so many new knowledges coming in, people are free to think for themselves.

Buddhism never stops you from thinking for yourself, but whatever is thought must be in line with the Dhamma.

[00:13:22] Cheryl: I’m just thinking about this question because a lot of it depends on our own independent investigation of what the Buddha said, right? The suttas. But as beginners, sometimes the suttas can be very difficult to understand.

 We’re a blank slate in that sense.

[00:13:41] Uncle Vijaya: Yes. Okay. The Buddha has an answer for that. He says his Dhamma is very deep, but it is like stepping into the ocean.

When you are on the beach, only your toes get wet, but the deeper you go, it becomes more and more complex. So, start with the basics. Start with the basic, which is the Four Noble Truths. Take as much as you can, for which you need competent teachers. Now, teachers can be those who are part of the tradition, all our Sangha community.

Lay Buddhist speakers and so on on the one hand, all right. Then of course we have the advantage of the internet. We have the technology, so we can use that as well. Take it a little bit at a time, don’t jump into the deep end of the pool. Like the Buddha says, first get your toes wet, then get your knees wet.

Don’t go and jump into the pool and say, tomorrow I want to be an Arahant. It is a gradual path. So, to answer your question, look for teachers who will take you by the hand. My own teacher was Venerable Narada, all right? And then, of course, the late Chief.

And they didn’t teach me about Abhidhamma at the beginning. They taught me how to be a good Buddhist on a day to day basis. I was comfortable with that. I didn’t need to go jump into meditation and all. And as I went along, I went deeper, so that way you don’t get frustrated. A lot of people jump in with too high expectations, and then they give up and blame Buddhism for it.

Buddhism is not to blame. Our approach is the one. So, we always are advised to look for competent teachers. And we are so lucky in this day and age, an unbroken chain from the time of the Saṅgīti Sutta (DN 33) to now, we have teachers who are able to help us to follow, to understand. But we must develop the humility and the patience to say it’s a gradual cannot happen overnight.

Some people are lucky. They are prepared, like in the sutras we hear of people gaining instant Arahanthood. Why? Because it has all been developed in past lives. So like Venerable Assaji tells Venerable Sariputta, just one line and Venerable Sariputta got enlightened. But we have to wait.

[00:16:43] Cheryl: We have to develop our spiritual faculties now. So next time, hopefully someone tells us one line and we get it.

[00:16:48] Uncle Vijaya: Absolute. Little by little, we build them up, okay?

[00:16:53] Cheryl: Yes. And you touched upon the point of having good teachers are very, very important. So what are the qualities that we should look out for in good teachers?

[00:17:02] Uncle Vijaya: A good teacher.

First, their own behavior. How do they carry themselves? Does what they say match what they do. A lot of teachers have the aura so and their own path. It’s easy to see very soon you can see the hypocrite from the genuine. And they’re all around us. There are bogus monks everywhere and you can see. Just look on their wrist if there’s a rolex there then okay, that’s a good indicator. Don’t follow him when he tells you to renounce everything and follow him. So like the little things.

Yeah, be sharp. Be humble. Don’t necessarily say I know better than him. The Buddha says that many occasions especially in the Mahaparinibbana Sutta. The Buddha tells us that when you hear something don’t reject it outright. Don’t accept it outright. If that’s something in praise of the Buddha, don’t necessarily rejoice. Listen and put it against does this tally with what the Buddha said.

 Here, let me share with you this quote which I think is very beautiful. A very senior monk in Buddhist and Pali university in Sri Lanka shared this with us.

He quoted an article which appeared significantly in Sri Lanka about somebody telling us how to conduct ourselves. He says, if you are still a lay devotee, enjoy all the worldly pleasures your senses require you to do. And experience that they are not permanent. Now this guy is advising us that if you are still lay people, enjoy life, be hedonistic, you know the five senses.

Because if you don’t know, you don’t know what you’re giving up. When you get fed up, then you give up. Now, this monk is asking, even in today’s day and age, there are people claiming that this is Buddhism. We know that the Buddha has taught us to treat this thing as if it’s like a man whose beard is on fire. If his beard is on fire, he won’t wait to see the end of the fire to examine the scientific reasons for fire and so on.

He will put it out straight away. We are struck by the poison arrow of samsara. We cannot wait until tomorrow. We don’t have up to tomorrow. So you see, this is a good example of Adhamma.

What do we do? We put it against what the Buddha taught. We don’t throw it away and say, no, this is rubbish. Examine, does it make sense? Yeah, does it conform with what I have learned so far about what the Buddha has said? The Buddha says all is suffering. And he says that this suffering persists all the time. Everything is anicca. Anicca meaning everything is impermanent. So, this life now. It’s impermanent.

I cannot wait for tomorrow. I cannot wait. There is no tomorrow. It’s Akalika. It is transcending time. So when this guy says, have fun, enjoy life, and then when you are old, decide to become a Buddhist. No, this is Adhamma. And this monk shared this with us to make this point that even today it is so easy.

[00:21:00] Cheryl: And it’s so scary because it’s like half correct, half wrong, half correct in the sense that yes, we have to contemplate about impermanence.

[00:21:07] Uncle Vijaya: Absolutely. It is that half correct thing. But the Buddha says if we give in to our emotions and simply because we think it does not agree, that will cloud our thinking.

The Buddha says, don’t rejoice and don’t get angry. Calmly examine what this guy said and say, no, this is not the Dhamma. This is Adhamma. Dhamma is immediately.

 Your beard is burning, or you have been struck by a poison arrow, you don’t wait for tomorrow, right? So to answer this, I go back to the Buddha’s teaching and say, I cannot accept this.

So it is very difficult because especially today, with the commercialization of Buddhism through mindfulness training and all of that, it’s so easy for us to think that if we do all of this for material gain. See, there, whatever the Buddha taught was to lead us towards renunciation, to lead us towards giving up.

Here we are, how to make millions using mindfulness. I brought this up with Venerable Jayasaro and asked him, is it not wrong for them to use? He said, no, because mindfulness in itself is good. So if a person practices mindfulness, even if it is for the wrong reason, it is better than no mindfulness at all.

Get the point?

[00:22:56] Cheryl: I get the point, but I don’t really agree. If the person, let’s say, trains to become a sniper and uses mindfulness training to help them to kill more people, isn’t that wrong all the way?

[00:23:08] Uncle Vijaya: Yes, it is wrong all the way. It is definitely wrong. Hitler, for example, probably was very mindful, but he was wrong. We cannot approve. This is where the Buddha says, step back. Is this possible? This is not. But we have to admit that all over the world, people who go into mindfulness, whatever the reason, have become calm. So the immediate fallout from that is better calmness, maybe more patience.

And hopefully later he will step into the path, but that is better than allowing him to go into the way of, remember those days, the character training, they treat you as a doormat, and people are making lots of money, kill everybody, jump on the top, that kind of very bad teaching on materialism is sort of gone out of fashion today.

More people are into mindfulness. So maybe it’s a slow but better movement. Maybe we are getting more intelligent. Maybe we are getting slightly more wise.

[00:24:22] Cheryl: At least it’s a step in the right direction.

[00:24:24] Uncle Vijaya: A little step in the right direction.

[00:24:28] Cheryl: So what if we have friends who follow the guidance of wrong teachers? So meaning we think their teachers are wrong because of perhaps their ethical conduct or perhaps their teachings are a little bit fishy. How can we help them?

[00:24:47] Uncle Vijaya: We can help them first, go back to again what the Buddha advised. First thing is don’t reject them. Don’t condemn them. Don’t take an antagonistic view. Don’t pity them. Yeah, all of them. Don’t lose your respect for them. They are thinking wrong but you have to practice your Metta, Karuna, Mudita, Upekkha all the time. Always remember that whenever you want to go and condemn somebody you condemn yourself first because you have gone into anger and so on.

So first thing is develop a mind of Metta towards everybody. Follow the Buddha’s teaching. Take it, test it against what he had taught. Is this Dhamma? Is this not Adhamma? If it conforms with what the Buddha taught, accept it. If it does not, mindfully, carefully, without anger, explain to your friend, this is not Dhamma.

If he chooses, not to follow, like in the case of Devadatta, no matter what the Buddha did, he constantly went against the Buddha. If that is the case, then leave it. The Buddha left him alone. There was this other guy, Channa. Channa was very proud and Channa became a monk and he was impossible to control to the point that even the Buddha couldn’t control him.

He was so egoistic. The Buddha advised the monks to boycott. Boycott, not out of anger or whatever, but we can’t do anything with you, we better leave you alone. So that is the advice we are given. Don’t compromise ourselves. Don’t go into anger, condemnation.

People who are too enthusiastic about their religion. They want everybody to follow their way and they condemn anybody who doesn’t. Buddha says, no, don’t do that. Don’t compromise yourself. You must all the time be that lotus flower. If you can change, effect the change. A lot of people have trouble with convincing their parents. Good to go from wrong behavior to right behavior.

If you can, it’ll be good if you can change. But to fight and create more anger and hatred, that is not the Buddhist way. Patience, tolerance, understanding. So use those three as your guidelines. If possible, change people with wrong views. But if it is not possible, leave them.

[00:27:42] Cheryl: And sometimes the wisest thing is to actually walk away, because that is a form of understanding that any more effort that I try will just lead to unwholesome states to arise.

[00:27:53] Uncle Vijaya: For me, so before I throw, you know, filth, I must remember my hand will get dirty first. But that shouldn’t give rise to a sense of superiority. A lot of people we know saying, Oh, I am safe. Oh, I’m a good Buddhist. You know, I follow that guy is going to hell. That kind of superiority also is ego that we have to guard.

That’s more difficult to guard against. A lot of people take a very self righteous view. The Buddha constantly warns us, don’t be self righteous. You can help the person. More than being self-righteous you have to develop metta, karuna, more karuna, compassion for his wrong view. Metta, karuna, mudita.

Upekkha is that highest level. Don’t suffer with the suffering.

[00:28:54] Cheryl: And once people, let’s say, once people leave these wrong teachings, what I think can happen is they lose faith in Buddhism altogether because what they knew to be Buddhism is completely wrong. And if they find that out, they could be very lost. So how can we support them after they leave in that sense?

[00:29:17] Uncle Vijaya: Well, partly we can put it down to their own kind. They are not ready yet. Yeah, they may not be bad people. This is an important point to say. You have to see whatever goodness. There’s nobody who’s totally bad or totally wrong. All right, whatever good that he does, could eventually serve him in good stead to bring him along the right path.

Maybe this life, it went wrong. All right, hopefully next life he is born into a Buddhist family for whatever good he did, follow the right way, then he is safe. One way. Another way is to accept that not everybody can follow the path in the same way. So, support them to the extent that we can. Don’t make matters worse by being self righteous, as I said. By trying to change that person and creating more anger, more hatred. Maybe the better approach is to move, of course, radiating Metta, you know, behaving towards him with the same compassion, without a sense of superiority.

[00:30:33] Cheryl: Thanks so much for sharing and I’m just wondering if there’s anything that you have prepared that you want to share?

[00:30:38] Uncle Vijaya: I would like to share a lovely story. There was this monk, yeah, his name was Punna. Punna came to the Buddha one day and told the Buddha, Master, I want to go away to a very far away country and share my life with the people there.

But before I go, can you please give me a short teaching that I can use to meditate? So the Buddha gives him that short teaching, which is to do with the five senses. Whenever we use our five senses to attach to objects in the world, that leads to pain and suffering. The same five senses, when they attach, we do not connect, we disengage ourselves from this, that leads to happiness.

So that was a short teaching. Then the Buddha says where are you going? And Punna says, I’m going to a place called Sunaparanta. And Buddha said, you’re going to that place? That’s a very dangerous place. The people there are very unfriendly. What will you do if those people ridicule you?

If they ridicule me, he says, I am so happy they’re only ridiculing me, they do not hit me. And the Buddha said, what if they do hit me? Then he said, I will say, I’m so happy they only hit me with a stone, but they didn’t hit me with a stick. Then what if they hit you with a stick? Then I’ll say, they didn’t hit me with a knife.

And, what if they do hit me, then I’m glad they didn’t kill me. What if they do kill you? Then I will say, I’m very happy that I am waiting to leave this existence. I’m waiting to attain Nibbana. These people have helped me. So in all instances, I will maintain goodwill towards them. And the story goes that the Buddha said, now you are ready to go.

So I’ve said this because your question about how do we treat people who are antagonistic towards us. Always find something positive. Always develop your four Brahmaviharas. And the story goes that he did go, and he did meditate on what was told, he became an Arahant.

They came back and told the Buddha, Punna had died, he said, yes. It never bothered me, he didn’t ask me too many questions.

[00:33:32] Cheryl: Such a short yet profound teaching.

[00:33:34] Uncle Vijaya: There’s one I’d like to share with you I think this is relevant. The Buddha’s foster mother was Mahāpajāpatī Gotamī. You have been asking me how to tell right Dhamma and wrong Dhamma, okay? Well, Venerable Gotamī came to the Buddha and said, There are so many teachings. How do I tell the right Dhamma from the wrong Dhamma?

Your question. And the Buddha explained, of whatsoever teachings, Gotamī, thou can assure yourself thus. If I hear anything that makes me more angry or more happy,

conduce to passion, not to dispassion,

to bondage, not to detachment,

to increase of worldly gain, not to decrease of that,

to covetousness, not to frugality,

to discontent, not to content,

to company, not solitude,

to sluggishness, not energy,

to delight in evil, not delight in good. If any of these teachings lead in that direction,

of such teachings, you may with certainty affirm, Gotamī, this is not the norm. If any of these apply, then this is not what I taught.

This is not the discipline. But of whatsoever teachings you can assure yourself that they are the opposite of these things that I have told you, these teachings you may with certainty affirm, this is the norm. This is the discipline. Now, we can see in the world today, so many teachings, so many ways of behavior that is increasing so much anger, hatred, all in the name of religion, we can safely say, this is not what the Buddha taught. But if it teaches compassion, if it teaches sharing, if it teaches peace, solitude then this is what the Buddha taught. So it’s very basic, very simple, right? A lot of your questions you asked is answered by that.

[00:35:46] Cheryl: This is a beautiful checklist, right? That is offered by the Buddha.

[00:35:53] Uncle Vijaya: By the Buddha himself. So we don’t need to go anywhere else. We are constantly told, go back to the Nikayas. I have one more way of checking.

Do these ways of thinking appear in the Nikayas? I remember the one who said, enjoy your life so that you get fed up, then you give up. Now, is it in the Nikayas? No, there’s nothing in the Nikayas.

[00:36:19] Cheryl: And I’m well, I’m curious. What about within Buddhism? There’s so many different traditions.

Yeah. And they can be most of them are similar, but some can be quite different, especially in terms of the focus and the meditation techniques. And I tend to lean towards the conservative side, meaning if I found a tradition that I feel like, okay, that’s It helps me. I think that I am aligned with the teachings.

 And I believe this is the same for many people as well, where they say, don’t go and confuse yourself.

[00:36:51] Uncle Vijaya: Four Noble Truths. That’s all the Buddha teaches.

He kept saying that. I only teach one thing, suffering, the end of suffering. All that I’m here to do is to teach you to be happy. Now you want to find this by being happy, Go ahead. Does it make you happy? Gotami again. Yeah. Certainly I agree with you. I’m a Theravadin. I have accepted it.

I have a great deal of interest in what all the other traditions teach. I have found after so many years that all these great traditions all teach the same Four Noble Truths. The Buddha’s teaching is so comprehensive there are all these different methods to suit different personalities. Even the Buddha himself, he didn’t teach the same thing to everybody.

He saw people’s capacities. Intelligent people, he taught intelligent things. People who couldn’t understand, he just said, rub this white cloth… you can become enlightened, these traditions of Buddhism arose to suit different temperaments, but do they all lead to the ultimate truth?

Do they all lead to nirvana it does for those individuals? So be it. I have enough problems looking after my own salvation. I don’t even have time to worry about my grandchildren.

[00:38:36] Cheryl: Yeah. And then it goes back to the point that time is so limited. This human rebirth is so, so rare. Yes. What are we doing? Why waste our time being a busy-body.

[00:38:49] Uncle Vijaya: Exactly. You just follow the Four Noble Truths. Do good. Avoid evil. Purify the mind. It’s simple as that. All these Nikayas, all these, it’s good for the intelligent man.

But what the Buddha says that we don’t want all that, we don’t need all of that. We need the simple do good, five precepts, avoid evil, five ennoblers, purify the mind. Rid your mind of lobha (greed), dosa (aversion), moha (delusion). You’re free, but it’s very, very difficult. You know that story, don’t you?

About this guy, Bodhidharma. Bodhidharma is the great Indian saint who brought Buddhism to China and Japan. Anyway, on his way to China, he was stopped by a chief. When the chief caught hold of Venerable Bodhidharma, he said, teach me about Buddhism. Bodhidharma was going to go into a one hour talk. He said, no, I don’t have time for that. Just tell me in four lines. What does Buddhism teach? Very easy. Do good, avoid evil, purify the mind. This is the teaching of all the Buddhas. So the guy says, if that is all, then your Buddhism, any child of five can understand.

A child of five can understand, cannot practice. That is the point. Purify the mind. Do good, avoid evil. I think most of us can. Purify the mind to remove the anger, hatred, jealousy, all of this, you know, mess up the mind. Can we clarify that?

If, as he says to Gotami, if all these different traditions can help me purify the mind, your tradition may not help me purify my mind. My tradition, I’m comfortable. So I find the tradition that helps me best.

[00:41:04] Cheryl: Thank you so much for sharing. And I think with that, we can come to the end of this episode as well. I personally gained so much from Uncle Vijaya’s teachings where he puts things in such a simple way to understand, cuts through all the nonsense and go back to the Buddha’s teachings, check against what He mentioned or didn’t mention. From there with a clear mind, objective mind discern for ourselves whether whatever information that we gain can actually benefit us or not. Thank you to all our listeners who have come towards the end. And I hope you like this episode. Give us five stars and share this with your friends.

See you stay happy and wise.

Resources:

Special thanks to our sponsors:

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Editor and transcriber of this episode: 

Cheryl Cheah, Susara Ng, Ke Hui Tee

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Ep 37: 84 Years A Buddhist – Profound Lessons on Life, Death and Kamma

Ep 37: 84 Years A Buddhist – Profound Lessons on Life, Death and Kamma

About the Speaker

Vijaya Samarawickrama, fondly known as Uncle Vijaya, is a respected figure within Buddhist communities, delivering countless inspiring Dhamma talks at universities, schools, and Dhamma centers throughout Malaysia, as well as in Singapore and Australia, spanning over six decades. In addition to his speaking engagements, he held the role of Patron at the Sasana Abhiwurdhi Wardhana Society in Kuala Lumpur and served as the Chairman of Nalanda Institute’s Education team. He represented Malaysia in various Buddhist conventions and conferences, both locally and internationally. He has authored over a dozen booklets, with more than 150,000 copies distributed worldwide. Before his retirement, he held the position of a senior lecturer at Universiti Teknologi Malaysia and worked as a lecturer in Drama and Theatre, Public Speaking, and World Religion at Taylor’s University American Degree Program.


Key takeaways from this interview:

Lessons on Acceptance and Philosophical Reflection:

Uncle Vijaya’s journey began with early losses, losing his parents during World War II and the communist insurgency. His acceptance of these circumstances reflects a philosophical perspective on life and death. He emphasizes the inevitability of death, quoting Shakespeare, “Death, a necessary end will come when it will come.”

Facing Personal Loss and Evolving Perspectives:

From the death of his parents at a young age to the recent losses of siblings, Uncle Vijaya shares how his perspective on death evolved. Overcoming the “Why Me?” syndrome, he embraces a philosophical approach, recognizing the transient nature of life and the importance of being prepared for the inevitable.

The Buddhist Approach to Death:

Uncle Vijaya delves into the Buddhist perspective on death, emphasizing the present moment’s significance. He quotes the Kālāma Sutta, highlighting the Buddha’s teaching on doing good for the sake of a good mind, rather than seeking rewards in an afterlife.

Readiness for Death and Living in the Present:

Addressing the common fear of death, Uncle Vijaya guides listeners to focus on the present moment. He encourages cultivating a good mind by following the five precepts and purifying the mind from defilements. The readiness to face death lies in being mindful and living a meaningful life.

Metta, Karuna, Mudita, and Upekkha: Keys to Well-being:

Uncle Vijaya introduces the four Brahma Viharas as essential practices for creating well-being. He explains Metta (Loving-Kindness), Karuna (Compassion), Mudita (Altruistic Joy), and Upekkha (Equanimity) as tools to transcend selfishness and cultivate happiness within.

Equanimity: Beyond Emotionlessness:

Contrary to misconceptions, equanimity (Upekkha) doesn’t imply emotionlessness. Uncle Vijaya clarifies that the Buddha, while displaying equanimity, had his emotions under strict control. Equanimity involves maintaining compassion without personal attachment, as exemplified by a surgeon performing a critical operation.

Applying Brahma Viharas to Grief and Loss:

Uncle Vijaya advises empathy over preaching when someone is grieving. He emphasizes the importance of physicalizing pain through communal rituals, acknowledging the wisdom of funeral rites in helping individuals come to terms with loss.


Transcript of the Interview

Click here for the transcript

[00:00:00] Cheryl:

Welcome to the Handful of Leaves podcast episode. Today I have with me, Uncle Vijaya dialing in from BGF KL. Welcome Uncle Vijaya.

[00:00:10] Uncle Vijaya:

Thank you, Sukhi Hotu (May you be well and happy).

[00:00:13] Cheryl:

Very lovely to have you here. Today we will be talking about love, death and dying. A quick introduction about Uncle Vijaya. He is a prominent figure in the Buddhist circles, having given more than 100 talks in universities, schools and Dhamma centers for the last six decades. He’s also a longstanding member of the Sasana Abhiwurdi Wardhana Society in KL, as well as the Nalanda Institute. Uncle Vijaya has represented Malaysia in numerous Buddhist conventions and conferences, both locally and abroad. And he has also given numerous inspiring Dhamma talks throughout Malaysia, Singapore, and Australia. So very honored to have you here, Uncle Vijaya.

[00:00:58] Uncle Vijaya:

Thank you for calling me.

[00:01:00] Cheryl:

Thank you. This is a very challenging topic on death and dying. Would you like to open and share with us about your personal experiences with loss?

[00:01:12] Uncle Vijaya:

Ah, personal experience with loss. Yes. But personal experience with death, not yet. I’m now 83 years old. So I’ve seen lots of people come into my life and a lot of people leaving. Yeah. And it doesn’t surprise me. Only this year, I lost two sisters. One sister died in January, just this year. And the other sister died in February in Singapore. Since I’m talking about being 83 years old, I lost my parents at a very, very young age. I was only six years old when my mother passed away just after the Second World War. So she was actually a victim of the deprivations that we went through during that time.

Then soon after that the communist insurgency took over and my father was killed by the communists when I was 12 years old. So, I’m no stranger to death. And it did affect me in a lot of ways, but the moral of the story is in the end we survived. It was difficult, I could have been bitter about it, could have blamed a lot of other people. But from my vantage point now, I’m saying, well, that’s the way kamma works. So I’m ready for the worst.

[00:02:41] Cheryl:

Thanks for sharing. I’m very curious to know from the first death that you experienced at six years old and just this year at 83 years old, how has your perspective changed in terms of accepting this death of your loved ones?

[00:02:56] Uncle Vijaya:

I think the word that comes to mind is philosophical. It’s something that, when I was younger, I resisted. And the “Why Me?” Syndrome. Why should I have to suffer this kind of thing? But as you go through life, and you see people dying at every stage of their own lives from very young to very old, and it is something that happens to everybody. What’s flashing through my mind is Shakespeare, where Julius Caesar says, of all the wonders that I have yet heard and seen, it seems to me most strange that men should fear seeing that death a necessary end will come when it will come. When I learned that I was in form five, so I was about 15, 16 years old. It didn’t mean what it means today to me. When it comes, it will come. You just have to be prepared for it. That’s what the Buddha says all the time. Death is not something you can predict. You can design, you can create. When it happens, are you ready? Then again, it’s not so much the fear of the actual act of dying, but what happens after that? Where will I go? What will I do?

And in the Kālāma Sutta (AN 3.65), the Buddha has a beautiful teaching on that. How do we approach death? How do we regard death? What will happen when I die? There are those who believe that when I die, I will either go to a heaven or to a hell. So what is my reason for doing good? My doing good is to book a place in heaven, but the Buddha says, what if you spend your whole life and it’s still fun being good, and you make so many sacrifices and you work so hard trying to be good all the time, hoping that when you die, you will go to heaven. Okay. You will go to heaven. Then the Buddha asked, what if you do all of this and then you die and you find there’s nothing out there. If there is a heaven, well and good. Even if there is a hell, well and good. What if there is no heaven, no hell.

Then the Buddha says, that’s not the reason we are good. We don’t do good in order to get that reward in heaven or that punishment. We do good because in this life, good is rewarded by good states of mind. So I live this life. Yeah, basically following the five precepts, the basic minimum, all right, I do that. And always in the knowledge that as I go through this life, I am not creating problems, I’m not running away from problems. I’m spreading happiness. I’m spreading well-being. And that itself is my reward. If there is a heaven, I accept that reward. If there is no heaven, I have not lost anything in this life. This is the Buddhist reason for being good. The Buddha doesn’t base his teaching on something that cannot be proven. Heaven and hell cannot be proven. Another life cannot be proven. The Buddha says don’t waste your time worrying about those things. What is important is the now, to be ready.

Again, we go back to Shakespeare, the fear of death. In Hamlet, there is a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. Every life, every death. There is a reason. There is a moment. We are thinking of the fear of death. We are afraid that we will die. If we die now, then don’t worry. Because you don’t have to worry tomorrow. You’re already dead. You see? Yeah. So if it be now, it is not to come. If it is not to come, it is now. If it be not now, yet it will come. If it be now, whether it’s now or future or never, it will come. Then comes the lovely line, Buddha’s line, Buddha would approve. The readiness is all.

In Buddhism, we always talk about the present moment. At this moment of time, am I ready to die at the next breath? Are we ready? It’s as simple as that. Don’t worry about heaven, hell, preparation for funerals. We can talk about that. After that, you go alone. The only thing that can follow you is your kamma. Your good kamma, or your bad kamma. That’s your relative. That’s your friend. That’s your inheritance. That’s the only thing you take away with you. But in the meantime, the readiness is all. Are you ready to die next moment?

[00:08:29] Cheryl:

How can we be ready? Because I feel like for most of us, we are very busy. We are very stressed. We are never really in the present moment. And we really just try to pretend that death doesn’t come to us, especially when we are still young.

[00:08:43] Uncle Vijaya:

Yeah, but the Buddha says you look all around you. It’s happening to you all the time. That’s why we say of the best realms to be born in is this human realm, because in this human realm, you don’t have a fixed lifespan, where you can say, Oh, I have 40,000 years to live like you can in the deva world. You can never predict. You can never tell what will happen. Nobody needs to tell you that. Your existence in this world, you are going through the experience. People are dying in front of your eyes. Some dying at the age of a few months. Some dying when they’re 90 years old, some waiting to die, cannot die. And then we see all of that happening all around us. We don’t need the Buddha to tell us that. And the Buddha keeps saying, use your own eyes, experiential. And how can you then say it won’t happen to me? How can you then say it won’t happen to me tomorrow? Use your human intelligence. Don’t believe whatever people tell you, don’t believe what the scriptures tell you. Okay. Use your own eyes. This is the Buddha’s teaching. So you are young, that’s denial. Denial is different from not seeing the truth.

So the readiness is all back again. And then the Buddha says all the time, don’t worry about tomorrow because it’s not come yet. Don’t worry about yesterday. It’s already gone. All that you have over which you have control is this life, is the now. It is this present moment that you can control. You can’t control anything else. When you know that, then you say, okay, what do I do to make this present moment meaningful? And the Buddha has a teaching for that. He says to make this moment meaningful, do good, avoid evil, purify the mind. Purify the mind, get your mind clear of lobha (greed), dosa (hatred), moha (ignorance). Ignorance, greed, and hatred. These are the things that are eating at us. These are the defilements. Those three, remove them, remove them. Make sure you destroy your illusion. Don’t pretend that there is a real person here. Sitting down here. How do you understand that? What do you understand by me, I, self? What does that mean? When you understand that, when you see what composes you, then your hatred, your attachment, you stop holding on, grabbing. And because when you grab, you suffer. When you let go, you are free. All these negative states, get rid of (them). Full-time job. Full-time job. Okay?

So do good, avoid evil, easy. Five precepts. But that’s not enough. If all it takes to be a good Buddhist, do good, don’t kill, don’t steal, don’t commit sexual misconduct, don’t tell lies, don’t take drugs. If that is all that it requires, my dog is a very good Buddhist. My dog doesn’t kill. He doesn’t steal. Well, the other one, I don’t know. The dog doesn’t tell lies. And has he ever smoked a cigarette? But what’s the difference? We are Manussa (human). Manussa (human), that which has a mind that can be developed. Do good, avoid evil, purify the mind. That’s the difference between us and the dog. And that’s the opportunity we have. What does the purification of the mind mean? Get rid of your delusion. Get rid of your greed. Get rid of your aversion. You get these three, you are living in a state of happiness and peace here and now. So while I’m in that state and I die, it stands to reason that state will continue into the next life. So I go to heaven, heaven. So the Buddha says it’s very easy. Don’t worry about heaven. Be in heaven now. Yeah.

Which brings us to the next point, be in heaven now, how do you do that? Buddha has the answer. He says we follow the four Brahma Vihara, the four states of well-being, the four states of happiness, Brahma Vihara, Brahma in Hinduism is heaven, is God. Vihara, a dwelling place. Where God dwells is heaven. The Buddha says, you don’t have to die to go to heaven. You create the conditions of heaven here through Brahma Viharas. Metta (Loving-Kindness), Karuna (Compassion), Mudita (Altruistic Joy), Upekkha (Equanimity). Remember, it’s all in the mind. Metta is the state of well-being, the state of feeling good about yourself, and radiating that feeling of goodwill, of love, of unconditional love towards all that exists. Not fellow humans, not fellow Buddhists, anything that breathes.

If you can have that feeling of love and contentment, you don’t need to go to heaven to be happy. You are happy here and now. And if in that state you die, you are automatically born into a good world. It’s not work or trying. It’s just creating the condition, creating the condition, that’s being Buddhist. Okay. Don’t worry about others. Don’t point fingers at others and say, they don’t do this, they don’t do that. You know, they’re stupid. We are clever. No, worry about your state of mind. So you have Metta. Metta is where it is sort of unilateral. It just spreads all over. You don’t choose. You don’t pick whom you love and whom you don’t. That’s Metta.

[00:15:47] Cheryl:

But I find that Metta is very counterintuitive because a lot of times we place conditions on why we love, what we love, who we love.

[00:15:57] Uncle Vijaya:

That’s why we have this word, unconditional love. As a mother loves her only child, so do I spread this feeling of happiness, goodness towards all beings. Buddha doesn’t stop there. Two legged, four legged, no legged, moisture borne, womb borne. He covers everything that breathes. So if you say, I only love my son. No, no, no, that immediately disqualifies. Immediately because at the end of all of this, you are working towards destroying your illusion that there is an “I” in here. The process is to kill the ego.

[00:16:47] Cheryl:

Just to tie this back to your own experiences of losing your parents, because they were victims of World War II and the communist insurgency. How did you, if you ever develop Metta for the people who harmed your parents?

[00:17:03] Uncle Vijaya:

At that point of time, and even today, I think I don’t see a connection between what happened to my parents and what happened in the world. My parents had to follow their own kamma, and I had to follow my own kamma in that I had to be born through them. That was part of my kamma. I accept that. In spite of the earlier childhood, thanks to the fact that I had an Uncle and an Aunt who adopted me and educated me, after that, I went on my own. So whatever pleasant situation I’m enjoying now was partly that I didn’t surrender to it. But at the same time, I didn’t waste time on self-pity. That’s important. And Buddhism taught me that from a very young age. This is okay. Somebody else is happier than me. Okay. Which brings me back to Metta.

Karuna is where you feel compassion to somebody who is not as well as you. I’m doing well. I mean, during tsunamis, we Buddhists have gone around helping everybody in the world without being selective or without any ulterior motive. Okay. So there’s Metta, there’s Karuna, when you are okay, your friend is not, and you feel compassion for that person. It’s easy when I’m doing well to feel compassion for the next guy. But what if that guy is doing well and you are not? How do you feel joy at your friend’s well-being when you yourself are not? When you destroy your ego, that’s possible. I have lots and lots of experiences where others have done much better than me, but I have not resented that. I’m happy for them. And you can see it’s a higher level of love, that we call Mudita. Mudita is joy at other people’s happiness.

Now all of these are worldly. Worldly forms of happiness involve “self”-ishness. It starts off with me. An “I” is involved. Then comes the higher level, which is symbolized by the lotus flower. Every Buddhist knows this. Why do we select the lotus flower? Because where does the lotus flower grow? In the mud. In the filthy, black, smelly mud, but the flower draws its sustenance from all of these. It rises above the water, pure and perfect. One of the most beautiful things on planet Earth draws from here (the mud). This is samsara. Anger, hatred, greed, jealousy, lobha, dosa, and moha. Everything we are churning in here. We are born into this. But when body is sick, don’t let mind be sick as well. Don’t let your mind get inward. Keep this above. Now that we call Upekkha (equanimity).

We have Metta, we have Karuna, we have Mudita, and then we have the highest level, which is the level of the Buddha. Okay? Where you… Radiate these kinds of well-being towards all without yourself being involved like a surgeon. A surgeon is operating on his mother. He cannot see his mother there. He must only see his function of destroying pain. And he cannot say, Oh, my poor mother. I’m sorry, ma. I’m sorry. I cannot. He has to remove himself. He has to have enormous amounts of compassion, but it cannot be personalized.

[00:21:18] Cheryl:

So equanimity or Upekka is not the same as being emotionless and detached and not feeling anything.

[00:21:23] Uncle Vijaya:

Ah, yes. Yes. You see, the Buddha was never emotionless. He had his emotions under strict control. The love that a mother has for her only son. That’s the love we have to spread. So when the surgeon is operating on his mother, he must have the same concern for her wellbeing as if a beggar is being operated on. Or if his enemy is being operated on. The Buddha was the embodiment of these four aspects, but you have to transcend all. When the Buddha experiences equanimity, he sees suffering. He cannot say, well, he’s only suffering here.

He sees the suffering, he actually physically helped a monk who was suffering from dysentery and was covered in his own filth and nobody wanted to go near him. But the Buddha personally went in there and bathed him, washed his robes and so on, preached to him until he died. So you cannot say that the Buddha was emotionless. Probably he was emotionless in the sense that an “I” is not involved. But there is suffering. I will do something to eradicate that suffering. Similarly, a surgeon is not burdened by that emotion. If you’re burdened with an emotion of love or pity or whatever, then you’re caught. But if you are only controlled by compassion, you can do a better job. And all of that here and now, not next life, not I born as an angel, I come and help you.

[00:23:33] Cheryl:

Right. And how can we apply this for Brahma Viharas to, let’s say, someone who is experiencing the grief and the pain of losing a very dear one. It could be death, but it could be heartbreak in all other forms, breakups, someone cheat on you or whatever else.

[00:23:53] Uncle Vijaya:

I would say. The first thing you should do is don’t preach to him. Don’t go and tell him, you know, as a good Buddhist, you should have Metta, Karuna, and Lotus flower. This guy is already suffering. I think any religion would teach you the word empathize. Your pain, I feel. I can only hug you. I can only hold your hand and I can only genuinely tell you that I experienced this with you, but to tell that person he’s wrong or that tell that person he cannot, he shouldn’t suffer. That’s wrong. You just lost your mother. You’re suffering. You’re crying. You’re in pain. I am as helpless as you, but I can hold you as a fellow sufferer. Now, I feel really that in the wisdom of the human race. If you really think about it, funeral rites are a waste of time. Somebody has died, and we go through this whole thing like, you know, scratching the nose like this, you know, just to keep… But I think it’s a terribly important thing.

What we are doing is the community gets together to physicalize our pain. We are so busy choosing the coffin. We are so busy getting the house ready. We are so busy talking to the undertakers. We are so busy that we have no time to have that self-pity to go inwards. And you have the seven days, you have the 49 days, you have the hundred days. All of this is the wisdom of our ancestors who gave us all these things to do and it’s all set into a community. So by the time seven days are over, you’re already coming to terms with the reality of the loss. All right. Yeah. Then three months. And then one year and each time we have got rituals to follow.

Don’t condemn the rituals and say, no, don’t burn paper, don’t do this, don’t do that. If you can cut down the cost, well and good. If you can meaningfully do these actions rather than burn a Porsche, go and give that money to an old folks home. You can transfer but the activity is the same. You don’t need to condemn others for what they do. Behind that is the physicalization of this extra energy that comes to protect you when you are suffering from this loss. That takes you on to about a year, after which more water goes under the bridge. Yeah, you’re sort of come to terms with it. This is the wisdom. But to say that, oh, he died. I’m a Buddhist, go ahead, send to the crematorium. I don’t even waste my time coming to see the dead body. It’s not the dead body that you’re seeing there.

You are giving rise to a very important word in Buddhism, Kataññutā. Kataññutā is we call one of the highest blessings. It is a state of mind of gratitude. This person has died, yes, but it is not just six feet of flesh and blood that’s lying in the coffin there. This person, when he was alive, helped me, did such and such for me, hugged me, kissed me, fed me. Now all of this at this point of time, I remember with gratitude. Knowing what good has been done to you. A lot of the time we, as children, will say, but I didn’t choose you as my parents. Why should I be grateful? No. Nine months when you were in the womb, what you were going through.

Okay. Now, of course. You are gone. How can I repay you? Kataññutā includes two things. Knowing what good has been done and what can I do to repay. It’s not just gratitude, it is reciprocating that gratitude. I think on a higher level, we can say as citizens, we need to remember that it’s very easy to complain and say that, we deserve better. But if we took the time to recognize how much good we have, is it enough just to sit down there and accept that as if it’s my right? What do I do about it? So my mother has died. I know all that she has done. What can I do about it? I can do good work, and if it is possible, to transfer it to the other side. If she’s in a position to receive (to rejoice at the good deed), well and good. If she’s not, whatever good I do in my mother’s name is not wasted because I have done good. I feel no more guilt, no more guilt. I have done something for my mother’s benefit. The more active you are, the easier it is for you to sort of sublimate your pain until a time comes when you develop what Shakespeare would call the philosophical mind, the mind that says, okay, she has gone and there’s no more pain. I’ve come to terms with it. All right. And of course, don’t forget while I’m coming to terms with it, new losses are coming. That’s kamma. So don’t tenggelam (drown), stay above, lotus flower.

[00:30:01] Cheryl:

And what about people who do not have good relationships with the dying? Let’s say the parents were abusive. Let’s say the parents were not good, distant and they hold a lot of resentment and grudges, even as their loved ones are passing on. How can one deal with this?

[00:30:24] Uncle Vijaya:

Okay. Before I throw a hot burning coal at you, hoping to burn you, who gets burned first? You. The one holding it. The one holding it. If you’re holding filth and throwing filth at others, imagine your own hand gets filthy first. Remember that. When you are going to talk about anger, you did so and so to me, even before you think of the other person, you have already polluted yourself. So your intelligent mind should say, protect yourself. And how do you protect yourself Four Brahma Vihara? It’s not easy. I’m sitting down here and saying, may you be well and happy. May you be well. How can I say when, when inside me I’m burning and I hate myself. Can you be so negative and then radiate positive? Cannot. You got to work. It’s not easy. Nobody ever said Buddhism is an easy religion to follow. Teaching it is very easy. Do good, avoid evil, purify the mind. All of Buddhism taught (that), which reminds me of a story.

Bodhidharma was a great Indian saint, Buddhist monk who went to China to teach Buddhism. On the way he met a chieftain and the chieftain asked him, tell me what does the Buddha teach? He said, very easy. Do good, avoid evil, purify the mind. And then the guy says, some more. He said, what? Some more what? You ask for three, I give you three. This is the teaching of all the Buddhas. Do good. Avoid evil. Purify the mind. Okay? Then the chief said, Oh, that means your teaching is so simple. Even a child of five can understand. And Bodhidharma replied, yes, a child of five can understand, but a man of 80 cannot practice.

Do good, avoid evil, no problem. It goes back to your question about anger, hatred and all. Nobody said it’s easy, but the higher the mountain, the greater the satisfaction when you climb to the top. So know that it’s difficult, but remember the reward is absolute. You don’t need to wait to die to benefit from the reward of that, you’re saying, if I have anger and hatred, whatever bad a person may have done, especially if it’s a parent, at least that parent gave you life. So all the bad things that came was later, nobody is 100 percent. So you need to take the effort to examine what good did this person do to me? And then dwell on that. Is it easy? Of course not. But nobody said Buddhism is easy.

[00:33:38] Cheryl:

Then on that note, how can the busy modern person, being overwhelmed by so many responsibilities, what are some small steps or practical things that they can do in their life just to get started?

[00:33:51] Uncle Vijaya:

Start now. Start now. Start with whatever can be done. Simple things like if the maid forgets to switch on the light and before you blow your top, purify the mind, keep telling yourself, look within, look within, look without. Okay. So if you keep all the time watching yourself for mistakes that you are making, don’t worry about others. The more you worry about yourself, the less time you have to worry about what others did to you. You do enough damage to yourself every day. Don’t waste your time with others. Again, not easy.

If you go to Japan, there is a doll that’s like that with a round base. What happens to that doll is called the Daruma doll. When you push the doll, what happens? It comes back. Our Buddhist life is like that. Five precepts, yes, but we break them all the time. But then we say, Kāyena vācā cittena pamādena mayā kataṃ. If by thought, word or deed I have done anything wrong, may the Buddha, forgive me. Buddha is not there to forgive you. You forgive yourself for your negative deeds. You did it. You say, okay, nevermind. Don’t do it again. So, first time I fell. I shouted at her. I know this is wrong. Either I apologize or in a kind way I make up for that. Tomorrow, when she’s going to do that, the temptation is there, but you have already practiced coming back. You come back faster and faster and faster until a time comes when you move from two words – Silava, Silamayo.

We’ll talk about Silava. A Buddha or an Arahant is purified. A Buddha and an Arahant cannot tell lies. It’s out of the system. If you give me a chicken and give me a knife and say, cut the chicken’s neck, I cannot do it, I cannot do it. You know, it’s out of my system. But I can tell a lie.

[00:36:08] Cheryl:

People love to navigate around that. Maybe a white lie is okay. A half-lie is okay.

[00:36:14] Uncle Vijaya:

We rationalize but the Buddha cannot. On the other hand, we are Silamayo. Silamayo means we are trying to be good. Do good, avoid evil, purify the mind. Fall, come up, do again, do again. It’s a process. It’s a process of purification. This is psychologically very important because otherwise the standards are too high. We cannot be Buddhas overnight. But when we know the system and we are working at it, the purification program, we know that it is taught by the Buddha.

Think of the Dhamma as an ocean. At the beach, it is very shallow. Only your toes get wet, but the deeper you go, the more wet you become. Beginning Buddhism, take it easy. Take it easy. Do what little you can, but as you get more and more purified and you understand more and more, the deeper you get, okay, the more wet you become, but it’s a slow process. Don’t expect instant enlightenment. It takes a long, long time. But it begins with wisdom, it begins with understanding. And that’s the process at which we are in the learning, the theoretical part, but the theory is important. Look within, look without.

[00:37:47] Cheryl:

Thanks so much for sharing. And I just wanted to circle back to an idea that you shared in the middle of the conversation about kamma. Can you share with us what is kamma in simple terms? And how will that help us to navigate death and life?

[00:38:03] Uncle Vijaya:

All right. Okay. One impossible task. You said simple explanation. There’s no such thing. Kamma is very, very complicated, very misunderstood, very misrepresented. Actually, kamma has gone into the English language. It’s a word in the English language. Kamma simply means action, just action. So at the moment, I’m the action of sitting down. That’s kamma. But in the English language, the nuance is, it’s something bad. It’s something negative. You see, when we talk about kamma in a Western sense, it’s something negative.

[00:38:49] Cheryl:

Like kamma will bite you.

[00:38:51] Uncle Vijaya:

Yeah, and I think you and I are both guilty of the same thing. When anything bad happens to us, we say what to do, my bad kamma. But if anything good happens, we say, thank God. You see, thank God and my kamma. That’s not all. Kamma is simply a very neutral word. No sentiment attached to it, but it can be negative or positive. Kusala (wholesome), akusala (unwholesome). And both of which is very important. You said simply, where does kamma begin? Now we are talking about purifying the mind. Kamma begins in the mind, it has to be motivated by that. That’s why I say kāyena (deeds), vācā (speech), cittena (thoughts). We have a thought, we have an intention, cetāna. That intention is translated into speech, into the body and into the mind. Body, speech, mind. All kammas originate in this way. If there is no intention, there is no kamma.

I’m walking on the road and I don’t see a cockroach and I step on the cockroach, the cockroach dies. I am not guilty because I had no intention of killing the cockroach. On the other hand, I see the same cockroach and I hate cockroaches and I (step on the cockroach) and say to hell with you, bad kamma has been made. Same action, one has intention, one has not. Very important to make that distinction. Now that intention has two streams. One stream is that intention is controlled. The intention comes from lobha (greed), dosa (hatred), moha (ignorance). Remember the ignorance, the anger, the greed. Now that is the defilement that is inside our untrained mind. Because they are all three negative, the intention is guarded by that, out comes anger, hatred, greed, jealousy, my whole body, all my actions are polluted. So bad karmic actions derive from bad sources. And what are the bad sources? Lobha (greed), dosa (hatred), moha (ignorance).

Incidentally, an Arahant (Enlightened being) has eradicated all of that. Therefore, Aloba (non-greed), Adosa (non-hatred), Amoha (wisdom). So the defilements have turned positive, these positives control the intention, the intention governs the kāyena (deeds), vācā (speech), cittena (thoughts). So basically this is kamma. So if you want to realign your Buddhist practice, look at your Lobha (greed), dosa (hatred), moha (ignorance). Your illusion gives you a sense of an “I”, “I” gives you a sense of “my”, “my” gives you a sense of “self”-ishness. When I work for my own benefit at the expense of others, that’s bad kamma. I create akusala, non-skillful.

Notice this is not a sin, a very important point. It’s not sin. God tells you don’t do something and you curi-curi (secretly) go and do that. So that is a sin. This one no. This is motivated by ignorance. Not knowing any better, you do this. This is unskillful. On the other hand, with the teaching of the Dhamma, you understand and you know this killing of a cockroach is wrong. I refrain from doing this. Also, because I have now taken the Buddhist path. And I’m now realigning my journey. I don’t want to go to heaven. I want to attain Nirvana, which is a completely different thing. So everything that I do leads me towards my goal. This we call Kusala. Kusala is skillful, nothing to do with crime and punishment, nothing to do with sin. It has to do with doing things that lead you up and things that lead you down. Kusala, skillful. Akusala, unskillful. So I don’t punish you for doing that. I don’t condemn you. If you knew better, you won’t do it.

[00:43:39] Cheryl:

And the one who doesn’t know better is suffering a lot as well.

[00:43:42] Uncle Vijaya:

Is suffering more than you think, yes. All those guys in jail, all those drug addicts, all those murderers. Do you think if they had a better life, they would do what they did? No, so what we need is our compassion and our understanding towards the wrongdoer, not to punish him, but to educate. And this again, Buddhist teaching. It is education, which is our strongest social not punishment and incarceration.

[00:44:18] Cheryl:

Wow. Thank you so much, Uncle Vijaya.

[00:44:20] Uncle Vijaya:

Was that a simple explanation of kamma? There’s a lot more to kamma.

[00:44:25] Cheryl:

I have a lot more questions, actually. For example, the intentions could be… Not crystal clear. So I can give you an example where I feel something crawling on me and then I will just, you know, just absentmindedly, try to move it away and maybe somewhere in my mind, I know, okay. It’s probably an ant. I don’t like the ant, but at the same time, I also didn’t think too much. Then I accidentally killed it. So is that good or bad kamma?

[00:44:48] Uncle Vijaya:

You are guilty of unmindfulness.

[00:44:52] Cheryl:

Oh, that’s such a thing.

[00:44:54] Uncle Vijaya:

Yes, that is a very important thing. A lot of the time we say, you are not as guilty as if this sensation comes, you know it is an ant, you hate ants, your anger arises, your hatred arises, and the amount of energy you get, like, argh! The amount of energy spent creating those negative emotions, that is what you pay for. On the other hand, a mosquito comes and you say, Okay, you’re unmindful. If you’re mindful, then you’ll say, Ah, stop. You are training yourself.

[00:45:34] Cheryl:

And when you say we pay, what does that mean? Because some people will have funny ideas of like, Oh, next time I will then become that mosquito or ant, and someone will squeeze me…

[00:45:41] Uncle Vijaya:

One to one. Absolutely no, no, no. Kamma is not just one. Kamma is one of five cosmic laws. And you said, keep it simple. We’re getting very complicated. The universe operates on five natural laws, cosmic laws. And these are called Niyamas. Utu Niyama, Bija Niyama, Citta Niyama, Kamma Niyama, Dhamma Niyama. Utu Niyama, physical laws. Physical laws of gravity and so on. (Bija Niyama) Biological laws, okay? So, organic, inorganic laws. Psychological laws, Citta Niyama. What happens in the mind? Then you have Kamma Niyama, moral laws, right and wrong, good and bad. It’s only one law, all of this. And then you have what is called Dhamma Niyama. Dhamma covers all of this. Like the Tao, the Tao is this together with everything that entails it. It’s a little bit complicated.

But the point I want to make is, you don’t get necessarily punished according to karmic laws, things can go wrong. If you are born as a human being, you cannot but die by the time you are a hundred. You can’t say it’s your bad kamma that you had to die. That is where your biological laws come into play. Now, when a tear comes out of my eyes, the obvious thing is, I’m in pain. I’m crying. Not necessarily because I’m sad. It could just mean dust has gone into my eyes. That’s another biological law. That’s the point. Not everything runs according to karmic laws.

[00:47:52] Cheryl:

So maybe just to wrap things up. Is there anything else that you would want to share about grief, loss and the topic that we discussed today?

[00:48:02] Uncle Vijaya:

Grief, loss, and so on, as we said before, the Five Niyamas (cosmic laws) again come into play. All of these are natural occurrences. When you suffer, don’t suffer with the suffering. In Malay, we would say, when you fall from the ladder, don’t let the ladder fall on you. So equanimity, patience, understanding. These are the words that we have to develop as Buddhists. You don’t have to pray to the Buddha. Praying to the Buddha is a physical thing. Very helpful, very necessary to align us spiritually. You see, understand how the universe operates according to those five laws. So don’t blame everything on kamma. Death is one such thing. You don’t necessarily die because of your kamma. You die because as a human being, you cannot live past this. So we have to accept that. Sometimes it appears as if, at 17, one walks down the road, gets knocked down by a car and we find it very hard to accept. In that case, there may be a karmic influence. Whatever it is, there’s nothing we can do about it. Yeah. There’s nothing we can do to change it. And whatever we do, we are sort of physicalizing our pain.

So Buddhism teaches us to take a rational view of death, separation, and don’t expect it to be otherwise. This is the way kamma works. This is the way samsara (cycle of birth and death) operates. If you try to change it, you’re going against the stream. On the other hand, if you understand it, you are developing peaceful states of mind within yourself. You want to help those who have gone on to the other side, there’s very little you can do because their own kamma controls them. Okay, but it does you good because you are creating positive states of mind, especially Kataññutā, gratitude. You are physicalizing this gratitude. In the meantime, you are creating the four Brahma Viharas, states of well-being around yourself. These states of well-being, which you are practicing genuinely with understanding. These, you radiate. As you radiate around you, you become a source of happiness, and that’s your purpose in life, to be a source of happiness to others, including the smallest cockroach.

[00:51:12] Cheryl:

Thank you, Uncle Vijaya. This is very inspiring. I hope to all our listeners out there, you have learned something, and if you like this episode, please like, and subscribe to our Spotify, Handful of Leaves and share with your friends. And if you want to find Uncle Vijaya, you can search Buddhist Gem Fellowship. You can see some of his wonderful, wonderful talks on YouTube as well. Thank you very much, Uncle Vijaya. Sadhu, Sadhu, Sadhu.

[00:51:38] Uncle Vijaya:

Sadhu to you. Thank you for giving me this opportunity. May you be well and happy. May all our listeners be well and happy always.

[00:51:49] Cheryl:

Sadhu.

Pāli Glossary:

  • Sukhi Hotu – A common Buddhist greeting that conveys the wish “May you be happy and well always.” When greeting more than one person, the plural, “Sukhi hontu” applies.
  • Kamma – Intentional action of moral import (producing for the agent an inevitable result or consequence in the same or another life). Can be Kusala (wholesome) or akusala (unwholesome).
  • Lōbha, Dōsa, Mōha – Greed, Hatred, Delusion. Roots of unwholesome kamma.
  • Kataññutā – Gratitude, acknowledging the good that has been done to oneself.
  • Brahmavihārā – Four states of well-being i.e. mettā (Loving-Kindness), karuṇā (Compassion), muditā (Altruistic Joy), upekkhā (Equanimity).
  • Five Niyamas – Five natural laws that affect physical and mental phenomena i.e. Utu Niyama (Inorganic Laws), Bija Niyama (Organic Laws), Citta Niyama (Law of Mental Activities), Kamma Niyama (Moral Law), Dhamma Niyama (Natural Laws of Existence).

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Editor and transcriber of this episode: Cheryl Cheah, Susara Ng, Ke Hui Tee

How a monk’s one word saved my marriage

How a monk’s one word saved my marriage

Editor: This is a two-part series of Dhamma and marriage where Ai En shares her turnaround in her marriage. The second part can be found here !

TLDR: My relationship with my husband was going stale and we both felt a sense of draining affection in our marriage; attending a Dhamma talk was a pivotal change for our relationship.

The salvation of marriage by a monk’s word, of course, sounds dramatic. Nevertheless, it is a true experience that changed things for my marriage.

My hope is that sharing my experience would give couples the courage to talk about their relationship and recollect why they are together in the first place.

Marriage was paradise

When my partner and I first got married, we were both young and naive at the age of 27. Having met in university, we quickly knew we were right for another as we liked the same Char Kway Teow store and loved the same arthouse movies. 

We happily said our vows 5 years after dating because ROM (Registry of Marriage) said we had to do it and not because we thought much of it. 

“Will you love him, comfort him, honour and keep him in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, be faithful to him, so long as you both shall live?” the solemnizer asked.

Such generic lines didn’t hold much value for us, we just wanted to get through the ROM and arduous wedding lunch out of the way and live our lives happily ever after.

Of course, things didn’t turn out that way.

The decline

We started to see growing misunderstandings and conflicts as we lived together. 

Different habits emerged. Different ways of money usage. I love to save while he was okay with moments of YOLO (You-Only-Live-Once) spending (because life is anicca [Pali term: impermanent], so might as well spend it, he believes). I would often chide him for butchering the Dhamma phrase of impermanence to justify random spending. 

We like to think of ourselves as simple people who have had little arguments. However, it was clear we were growing apart. 

We were leading separate lives and took each other for granted.

Yes, we shared a bed, but our lifestyles couldn’t be more different. He worked shift hours while I worked a 9-5 job. I did consulting work while he was a shift-work engineer. 

I felt that caring for him meant supporting all his hobbies and endeavours while he felt caring for me meant giving me gifts. FYI: Gifts won’t hold your marriage/ relationship together.

At difficult times, I silently questioned, “Did I marry the right guy?” I wasn’t sure how long we could ‘stand’ each other in a lukewarm relationship.

One word

As a Buddhist by birth, I am not one to care too much about Buddhism and its practice. The teachings were an afterthought.

However, these marital challenges got me to speak to a colleague who was a Buddhist practitioner and she introduced me to a witty monk, Ajahn Brahm

I skeptically plugged into a recording of his Dhamma talk after she persuaded me. It was on marriage. Below is the excerpt which talked about how Ajahn Brahm solemnises Buddhist weddings and stuns newlywed couples with his humour.

~

At the right moment in the proceedings, usually, after the rings have been exchanged, I look into the eyes of the new bride and tell her, “You are a married woman now. From this moment on, you must never think of yourself.” She immediately nods and smiles sweetly. 

Then I look at the groom and say, “You are now a married man. You also must not think of yourself anymore.” I don’t know what it is about guys, but the groom usually pauses for a few seconds before saying “Yes.”

Still looking at the groom, I continue, “And from this time on, you must never think of your wife.” Then quickly turning to the bride, I say to her, “And you must not think of your husband from now on.”

Confusion is a very effective teaching device. Once people are engaged in trying to solve a riddle, then you can teach them the answer and they pay attention. “Once you are married,” I explain, “you should not think of yourselves; otherwise you will be making no contribution to your marriage.

Also, once you are married, you should not always think of your partner; otherwise you will only be giving, giving, giving, until there’s nothing left in your marriage. “Instead, once you are married, think only of ‘us.’ You are in this together.” The couple then turn to each other and smile.

They get it straight away. Marriage is about “us,” not about me, not about him, not about her. To make sure they understand “The Secret,” I ask them, “When any problem arises in your marriage, whose problem is it?” “Our problem,” they answer together. “Very good!” I say with a grin.

~

“Instead, once you are married, think only of ‘us.’ You are in this together.” 

That word ‘us’ compelled tears through my usually tear-resistant eyes. 

My husband and I were living together and yet apart. We were ‘caring’ for each other and doing ‘what’s best’ for either me or him, but never for ‘us’. 

As we stopped seeing ourselves as ‘us’ and instead as individuals, our lives would inadvertently drift apart. Resentment would arise from unfulfilled wants and demands from each other. We resent one another for either giving ‘not enough’ or giving ‘the wrong thing’.

These teachings helped me to let go of my ego to see my partner in a new light. I began to understand that our relationship is not just about me and my needs, but that it is an interdependent partnership. 

It is about us.

How that one word saved us

After the tear-jerker Dhamma talk, I shared the recording with my husband, who also agreed on the state of our marriage. He felt that we were ‘going through the motion’ of routines together. He felt resentful that he was giving so much on one aspect of our relationship while I ‘failed’ to deliver on others. For example, the expectations that I should wash the dishes after cooking for him or him overpaying for some of the expensive dinners we have. 

However, the talk allowed him to reflect on a calculative mindset that was building in him. 

After three years, we felt this pivotal change of understanding about our relationship.

We immediately discussed how we could do things differently as  ‘us’ and not as individuals. We then decided that we needed to do the following: 

  1. Find rituals: Identify meaningful and tangible activities that we can do as a couple and challenge ourselves with. The ritual must be something that ‘us’ can see incremental growth in. Binge-watching HBO Max, Netflix doesn’t count as tangible!
  2. Hold MGMs: Monthly general meetings (MGMs) helped us talk about what we appreciated about one another, how we could improve and also where we would like to be supported.
  3. Meditate at least 2 times a week together: This wholesome activity gave us the opportunity to do something deep and spiritual together. If your partner is non-Buddhist, try to introduce mindfulness-based activities, like gardening or pottery! For us, the 2 times a week as is when our schedules align. Make it work!

These ‘solutions’ arose from the idea of ‘us’ and how we could strengthen that tie between us. 

Our marriage is now happier and more fulfilling than ever before. I am grateful to the Dhamma for helping us to get to this point. Thanks to Ajahn Brahm’s one word ‘US’, we saved the marriage.

I hope that this one word ‘us’ encourages you to rethink relationships that are dear to you.

May you and your loved ones be well and happy always.


Wise Steps:

  1. How often do we take our loved ones for granted? Reflecting on this brings awareness to our blindspots in the relationship
  2. How often do you use ‘we’ in a relationship instead of ‘I, me, myself’?
  3. Find your couple rituals, hold your MGMs and meditate together!
“Why am I fired but not that lazy arse on level 26?” : A Buddhist ponders his retrenchment

“Why am I fired but not that lazy arse on level 26?” : A Buddhist ponders his retrenchment

TL;DR: Pei Jing muses about his two retrenchment experiences and the Dhamma lessons he took away: 1) save up a quarter of your salary when you do earn; 2) investigate and understand your suffering; 3) do good; 4) play up your strengths.

If there is a relatively unique experience that I can claim, which even the Prime Minister of Singapore can’t lay claim to, it is probably the fact that I have been retrenched before. Not once, but twice.

P.S. Pei Jing has his own blog! Read more of his muses here.


My first retrenchment

The first layoff was in May 2008. The call came when I was at my desk, in the investment bank’s office at Two International Finance Centre in Hong Kong. 

On a good day, from my office, you could see clearly across Victoria Harbour into Kowloon. But most of the time, we were working for such long hours that I almost took the view for granted.

“Please come up to this meeting room.” 

I knew what it was about, but I was so tired from pulling the all-nighter the night before that I felt numb.

I entered the meeting room and saw the Managing Director of my team seated with a stranger I didn’t know. “This is X from HR”, said the MD.

What happened next was a bit of a blur. But it was unmistakable that I was getting laid off. I suppose I only had myself to blame. When my direct boss asked me what I was going to do with my annual bonus, I told him that I was going to leave to study. So now I was getting laid off right before the bonuses were being paid off.

“What happens if I don’t accept this retrenchment amount of two months salary?” I asked. “Then you’ll get nothing,” said the HR lady.

So I signed, but not without some anger as the annual bonuses were 6 months and above. When I passed the form to her, she reminded me, “Please remember that you’re not supposed to disclose the amount to other people.”

I was angry. 

Angry at the fact that I was given a pittance. Angry at the fact that I was made to work an all nighter just before they laid me off. Angry that they also laid off other colleagues who were extremely hard working but kept those who were well connected to the rich and powerful. Angry at the lies they had told us.

Up until the last moment, they kept telling us that they won’t lay off first-year analysts.

But I was also curiously happy because that one year of investment banking was miserable. 

My parents came up from Singapore to visit me in Hong Kong once. Yet for the entire fortnight, they saw me a grand total of five meals, as I was tied up with work. When they left, they had gone to the trouble of buying some ginseng to brew, and kept telling me to watch out for my health.

My usual working hours were from 9am to 3am on weekdays. On weekends I would go in around 12pm to 1pm, often staying until 3am.

The salary was really high (HKD 55,000, which was around S$11,000 back then or $14,000 in today’s value) but this was an insane cost on my life. So I had planned to leave anyway. When I surrendered my Blackberry, I was told that I was the only one who was smiling as I did so. And why not? That device was torture.

Unlike my other peers who were laid off before me,I was allowed to stay in the office to say bye to people before I left for good. “The others”, I was told, “went up to the meeting rooms and never came back to our floor. Their secretaries then packed their stuff into boxes, which was mailed to them.” 

I bid farewell to my buddies, but also to the assistants and other colleagues, before I walked off home to sleep. My manager came to say bye, with tears in his eyes as he said sorry.

What was the point of saying sorry when he had already pulled the trigger? At that point, I thought he was just trying to make himself feel better and I couldn’t wait to leave his presence.

An unusual encouragement

On the way home in Central, Hong Kong, I came across a very unusual sight. 

There were multiple regular beggars (mostly from mainland China), especially on this particular overhead bridge that I crossed daily. The way they begged was almost comical: one grey-haired lady kept kowtowing profusely at every single pedestrian who walked past while there’s another regular who just bowed down and never looked up.

This guy I met was not a regular. He was armless and handless but he was focused purely on his calligraphy. His calligraphy was amazing: his skill with his two stumps was much better than most able-bodied Chinese I know. 

Incidentally, the calligraphy he wrote was especially apt for my retrenched state of being. The broad meaning of the phrase is, “Those with a will/direction, will definitely succeed. Those who suffered (for their will), Heaven won’t abandon them.”


First set of couplets I received from the calligrapher.

There were pretty high odds that I was getting laid off. Rumours had been going around that my ex-firm was not doing well and there would be layoffs. Colleagues who had experienced layoffs in other firms told me, “you just wait. They will fire all the locals but protect their own.” As someone who had zero political connections, I was expecting to be laid off anyway.

But the odds that, at the very moment I was walking home from being retrenched, an ARMLESS and HANDLESS calligrapher will be writing THIS phrase … ? It was encouraging, and perhaps a sign.

I stood there watching him work and said to him after a while, “Your calligraphy is beautiful! How much is this piece?” I thought he was going to say something ridiculous but to my huge surprise, he said, “Whatever price you think this is worthwhile.” 

On the spot, I offered him a sum of money (that I cannot remember) and also commissioned him to write up my school motto ‘To strive unyieldingly’ (“This is a saying from I Ching”, he said, which turned out to be true.) Both pieces are now framed up at my parents’ home.

(This was my special commission to him after I walked back)

Same fate, different outcomes

Even though I had not been particularly deliberate in saving up money, I still had enough after my retrenchment that I estimated I could keep my apartment and live the way I did for easily another six months and then some. In the worst case, I was prepared to just dump everything and return home to Singapore.

That’s when I heard the story of Y, an ex-colleague from the same firm. Y was laid off earlier than me. Unlike me, Y wasn’t smiling when she gave up her Blackberry. When I met Y with other friends at a meal, Y clearly looked distressed and asked around if anybody knew of any banking job opportunities. 

A mutual friend later shared that Y had only half a month of rental left in her bank account. I was shocked, “Huh? What did she spend her salary on??” It turned out that Y had spent almost her entire salary on not just branded bags, shoes, designer clothes, but also massage packages, spa treatments, pedicures & manicures (which she had bought by a lump sum package because it was “cheaper”). 

The mutual friend also told me that Y had a habit of urging everyone around her to spend money, because “you’re a banker, you can afford it!”

Never did Y realise back then that she could not afford to lose being a banker.


The second retrenchment

One year later in April 2009, my second layoff was much less dramatic.

I had left Hong Kong and joined a proprietary trading firm in Singapore, which was started by two Irish proprietary futures traders. It was a small outfit of less than 12 people, based in UOB’s building.

When we first joined, they told us we each had a Profit & Loss (financial statement) with a S$15,000 downside limit. Over the months, the downside limit reduced to $12,000, then $10,000. By the time I got laid off, my account loss was around $9,000. 

After I made my final losing trade, I got called into the office, was told “it’s not working out”, and was then asked to leave. This time with no retrenchment benefits at all.

A few months later, the firm wrapped up its operations in Singapore. And a few months later, it wrapped up for good. 

[Years later, I read Michael Lewis’ book “Flash Boys” and recognized what had happened to our firm: we were basically bled dry by high frequency traders. We would hit the offers, only to be filled in at prices that were significantly different from the offers we hit.]

No more “fooling” around

This second layoff had no “divine signal”, no signs of encouragement. As the American saying goes, “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”I was beginning to wonder if the finance industry was fooling me twice. I wondered if I should continue or I should find something that is more meaningful beyond aiming to make rich people richer.

My initial instinct was to try and apply what I learned at the trading outfit, but it is different when you are a retail trader versus at a professional outfit: the lag times are even greater; there are significantly larger margins you have to pay and there is almost no “edge” (i.e. advantage) you have in the market.

Most importantly, my psychology was also fraught: I needed to make money, which magnified the emotions and made trading harder.

After a few months of trying to trade my own account, depleting my savings, and feeling emotionally exhausted from chasing money for its own sake, I decided to apply only to public service jobs. I wanted to spend my time working on something more meaningful. That was how I started my decade-long career in the public service.


What I learnt from retrenchment

Looking back, I think there are a few lessons that I drew from my two retrenchments, which might help others who are facing impending retrenchments. Where appropriate, I have also included excerpts from the Buddhist texts.

Pre-Retrenchment: Always have some savings, ideally a quarter.

In DN 31 Advice to Sigalaka, the Buddha gave some pretty good advice on money allocation:

In gathering wealth like this, a householder does enough for their family.

And they’d hold on to friends by dividing their wealth in four.

One portion is to enjoy.

Two parts invest in work.

And the fourth should be kept for times of trouble.”

Having a buffer of a quarter of your wealth is extremely useful in life, and one should ideally put aside a quarter of the money you take home.

In fact, I would even encourage you to consider using the concept of “runway” from the startup world, which Paul Graham, co-founder of Y Combinator, describes as:

Startup funding is measured in time. Every startup that isn’t profitable (meaning nearly all of them, initially) has a certain amount of time left before the money runs out and they have to stop. This is sometimes referred to as runway, as in “How much runway do you have left?” It’s a good metaphor because it reminds you that when the money runs out you’re going to be airborne or dead.

For any individual, I would recommend saving up a runway of at least 6 months of your monthly necessary expenses, excluding your long-term savings. That gives a lot of psychological freedom, because you are not in a state where you need to make money. That freedom was what I had during my first layoff but not during my second layoff.

Take a balanced approach to your budget

But one also shouldn’t go to the extreme of hoarding without any expenditure at all! Nor should one spend too much (like my ex-colleague Y). Instead, you need to strike a balance in your personal finances, avoiding both extremes.

AN 8.54 with Dighajanu

And what is accomplishment in balanced finances? It’s when a gentleman, knowing his income and expenditure, balances his finances, being neither too extravagant nor too frugal. He thinks, ‘In this way my income will exceed my expenditure, not the reverse.’ It’s like an appraiser or their apprentice who, holding up the scales, knows that it’s low by this much or high by this much. In the same way, a gentleman, knowing his income and expenditure, balances his finances, being neither too extravagant nor too frugal. He thinks, ‘In this way my income will exceed my expenditure, not the reverse.’ If a gentleman has little income but an opulent life, people will say: ‘This gentleman eats their wealth like a fig-eater!’ If a gentleman has a large income but a spartan life, people will say: ‘This gentleman is starving themselves to death!’ But a gentleman, knowing his income and expenditure, leads a balanced life, neither too extravagant nor too frugal, thinking, ‘In this way my income will exceed my expenditure, not the reverse.’ This is called accomplishment in balanced finances.

Then what should you use your wealth for? Make yourself happy and pleased first, followed by the people around you.

SN 3.19 Childless

At Sāvatthī.

Then King Pasenadi of Kosala went up to the Buddha in the middle of the day, bowed, and sat down to one side. The Buddha said to him, “So, great king, where are you coming from in the middle of the day?”

“Sir, here in Sāvatthī a financier householder has passed away. Since he died childless, I have come after transferring his fortune to the royal compound. There was eight million in gold, not to mention the silver. And yet that financier ate meals of rough gruel with pickles. He wore clothes consisting of three pieces of sunn hemp. He traveled around in a vehicle that was a dilapidated little cart, holding a leaf as sunshade.”

“That’s so true, great king! That’s so true! When a bad person has acquired exceptional wealth they don’t make themselves happy and pleased. Nor do they make their mother and father, partners and children, bondservants, workers, and staff, and friends and colleagues happy and pleased. And they don’t establish an uplifting religious donation for ascetics and brahmins that’s conducive to heaven, ripens in happiness, and leads to heaven. Because they haven’t made proper use of that wealth, rulers or bandits take it, or fire consumes it, or flood sweeps it away, or unloved heirs take it. Since that wealth is not properly utilized, it’s wasted, not used.

Suppose there was a lotus pond in an uninhabited region with clear, sweet, cool water, clean, with smooth banks, delightful. But people don’t collect it or drink it or bathe in it or use it for any purpose. Since that water is not properly utilized, it’s wasted, not used.

In the same way, when a bad person has acquired exceptional wealth … it’s wasted, not used.

When retrenched: remember the Noble Truths

When you are being retrenched, it can feel like a punch in the gut. A million questions and emotions will be flying through your head, “What do you mean I’m being laid off?” “I need this job to feed my family.” “Why am I fired but not that lazy ass on level 26?” for etc.

The first thing to recognise is that you are suffering.

The next thing to recognise is that your mind’s first reaction is to flee away from the suffering as fast as possible, either through denial or repression. Your mind is also likely to be defiled by negative emotions like anger or a strong desire to be somewhere else.

Consider the (First Noble) truth: life is suffering. To be born is to suffer, to exist is to suffer, as taught by the first sentence in this passage from the Buddha’s First Sermon:

SN 56.11 – Wheel of Dhamma

“Now this, bhikkhus, is the noble truth of suffering: birth is suffering

By getting laid off, you are also suffering by experiencing the…

SN 56.11 – Wheel of Dhamma

“…; union with what is displeasing is suffering; separation from what is pleasing is suffering; not to get what one wants is suffering

And what should you do with this noble truth?

SN 56.11 – Wheel of Dhamma

“This noble truth of suffering should be completely understood…”

By seeking to understand your experience, you might ask yourself, ‘Why am I suffering? What’s the cause for this suffering?’ At a fundamental level, the (Second Noble) truth is, your suffering is caused by you wanting or craving something.

SN 56.11 – Wheel of Dhamma

“Now this, bhikkhus, is the noble truth of the origin of suffering: it is this craving which leads to renewed existence, accompanied by delight and lust, seeking delight here and there; that is, craving for sensual pleasures, craving for existence, craving for extermination.

The original Pali word for “craving” is taṇhā, which is also the word for THIRST.

The following is a useful guiding question. Anytime you’re suffering, ask yourself, ‘What is it that you want?’ That wanting is the cause of your suffering, because…

SN 56.11 – Wheel of Dhamma

“…not to get what one wants is suffering…”

So your wanting and craving for a job, with all its security, its status, for etc. are the causes for your suffering.

If you’ve identified your wanting, what can you then do to let go of your wanting?

SN 56.11 – Wheel of Dhamma

“Now this, bhikkhus, is the noble truth of the cessation of suffering: it is the remainderless fading away and cessation of that same craving, the giving up and relinquishing of it, freedom from it, nonreliance on it. [In Pali: yo tassāyeva taṇhāya asesavirāganirodho cāgo paṭinissaggo mutti anālayo.

These are the four ways of letting go, of not wanting:

  • Caga – giving, generosity;
  • Patinissaga – letting go;
  • Mutti – free, releasing;
  • Analaya – Non-reliance, not-resting, not-sticking, a “Teflon mind”.

I would double down on caga. In fact, when you’re retrenched, I would strongly encourage you to volunteer and just give your time: go out of the house and do some volunteer work for a cause that inspires you. Because that makes unstealable wealth for you!

Make more unstealable wealth.

The Buddha gave this great definition of wealth that cannot be stolen from you, which I’m calling ‘unstealable wealth’.

AN 7.7 With Ugga

“But Ugga, how rich is he?”

“He has a hundred thousand gold coins, not to mention the silver!”

“Well, Ugga, that is wealth, I can’t deny it. But fire, water, rulers, thieves, and unloved heirs all take a share of that wealth. There are these seven kinds of wealth that they can’t take a share of. What seven? The wealth of faith, ethical conduct, conscience, prudence, learning, generosity, and wisdom. There are these seven kinds of wealth that fire, water, rulers, thieves, and unloved heirs can’t take a share of.

When you’re retrenched, it can sometimes feel tough. ‘My dream job was taken from me! Oh, that lovely (employment benefit) that I loved!’

The Buddha’s definition of unstealable wealth reminds us that there are things that cannot be taken from us. You probably gained a lot of knowledge from your work: that’s not something that can be taken from you (except by time). 

For example, I learned how to do financial valuation models in banking (which has made me extremely skeptical about all financial projections!), but I also used some of the trading-comparable techniques in analyzing companies when I started work in the Economic Development Board. 

Also, your acts of generosity, kindness, compassion, all cannot be stolen from you by others, nor removed by your ex employer. It’s something you have done before, and belongs to you. To exercise generosity, kindness, and compassion, to keep your Five Precepts and ethics, all these require no money to do! So what’s stopping you from making more of this “unstealable wealth” while you’re unemployed?

Even if you feel that somehow this unemployment situation was due to your bad kamma, you can’t get rid of bad kamma by “burning” it or just “tolerating” it. All the more, you should go out and just go good!

AN 3.100 – Lump of Salt

Suppose a person was to drop a lump of salt into a small bowl of water. What do you think, mendicants? Would that small bowl of water become salty and undrinkable?”

“Yes, sir. Why is that? Because there is only a little water in the bowl.”

“Suppose a person was to drop a lump of salt into the Ganges river. What do you think, mendicants? Would the Ganges river become salty and undrinkable?”

“No, sir. Why is that? Because the Ganges river is a vast mass of water.”

“This is how it is in the case of a person who does a trivial bad deed, but it lands them in hell. Meanwhile, another person does the same trivial bad deed, but experiences it in the present life, without even a bit left over, not to speak of a lot. …

From the discourse above, we learn that you don’t burn bad kamma: you dilute it to the point where the bad kamma is like a lump of salt in a Ganges river of goodwill and good kamma.

You focus on making good kamma, on the positive, on the joy that arises from the intention (more in the latter). The more good kamma you make, the less your bad kamma from the past is going to impact you.

Again, the Buddha has some great advice on the kamma leading to long life, health, beauty, influence, wealth, status and wisdom:

MN 135 Shorter Exposition of Action

“Master Gotama, what is the cause and condition why human beings are seen to be inferior and superior? For people are seen to be short-lived and long-lived, sickly and healthy, ugly and beautiful, uninfluential and influential, poor and wealthy, low-born and high-born, stupid and wise. What is the cause and condition, Master Gotama, why human beings are seen to be inferior and superior?”

“Student, beings are owners of their actions, heirs of their actions; they originate from their actions, are bound to their actions, have their actions as their refuge. It is action that distinguishes beings as inferior and superior.”

…This is the way, student, that leads to short life, namely, one kills living beings and is murderous, bloody-handed, given to blows and violence, merciless to living beings.… This is the way, student, that leads to long life, namely, abandoning the killing of living beings, one abstains from killing living beings; with rod and weapon laid aside, gentle and kindly, one abides compassionate to all living beings.

… This is the way, student, that leads to sickliness, namely, one is given to injuring beings with the hand, with a clod, with a stick, or with a knife….This is the way, student, that leads to health, namely, one is not given to injuring beings with the hand, with a clod, with a stick, or with a knife.

… This is the way, student, that leads to ugliness, namely, one is of an angry and irritable character…and displays anger, hate, and bitterness…. This is the way, student, that leads to being beautiful, namely, one is not of an angry and irritable character…and does not display anger, hate, and bitterness.

…This is the way, student, that leads to being uninfluential, namely, one is envious…towards the gains, honour, respect, reverence, salutations, and veneration received by others….This is the way, student, that leads to being influential, namely, one is not envious…towards the gains, honour, respect, reverence, salutations, and veneration received by others.

… This is the way, student, that leads to poverty, namely, one does not give food, drink, clothing, carriages, garlands, scents, unguents, beds, dwelling, and lamps to recluses or brahmins.…This is the way, student, that leads to wealth, namely, one gives food…and lamps to recluses or brahmins...

Tips on Looking for a New Job

When looking for a new job, it is useful and important to know what you’re looking for or not. It’s also important and useful to know what you’re good at or not: this depends whether you’re just starting out in your career, or you’ve more experience.

If you’re just starting out, I think you should just try different things and learn from your experience. For example, I learned from my two layoffs that:

(a) I hated the investment banking lifestyle;

(b) I really didn’t have a knack for day-trading futures;

(c) After a while, the pointlessness of making rich people richer really wore me down.

With time and experience, you know what your strengths are and that then allows you to figure out where and how you should play to your strengths in your future jobs.

I’ll end with this beautiful Buddhist parable of a quail playing to its strengths, outwitting a hawk. May you be a quail that finds your clods of soil!

SN 47.6 The Hawk

“Bhikkhus, once in the past a hawk suddenly swooped down and seized a quail. Then, while the quail was being carried off by the hawk, he lamented: ‘We were so unlucky, of so little merit! We strayed out of our own resort into the domain of others. If we had stayed in our own resort today, in our own ancestral domain, this hawk wouldn’t have stood a chance against me in a fight.’—‘But what is your own resort, quail, what is your own ancestral domain?’—‘The freshly ploughed field covered with clods of soil.’

“Then the hawk, confident of her own strength, not boasting of her own strength, released the quail, saying: ‘Go now, quail, but even there you won’t escape me.’

“Then, bhikkhus, the quail went to a freshly ploughed field covered with clods of soil. Having climbed up on a large clod, he stood there and addressed the hawk: ‘Come get me now, hawk! Come get me now, hawk!’

“Then the hawk, confident of her own strength, not boasting of her own strength, folded up both her wings and suddenly swooped down on the quail. But when the quail knew, ‘That hawk has come close,’ he slipped inside that clod, and the hawk shattered her breast right on the spot. So it is, bhikkhus, when one strays outside one’s own resort into the domain of others….


Wise Steps:

  • Aportion a quarter of your salary towards your savings when you are employed.
  • If you were retrenched, try to understand your suffering using the Noble Truths.
  • Yield your mind to perform acts of generosity, goodwill and letting go. These form the ‘unstealable wealth’ that retrenchment can’t even take away from you.
  • Recognise your strengths and play up to them when searching for your next job!