TLDR: This article is a continuation of my previous article about falling into depression. Here I describe the phase of recovering from depression and along the way learning Dhamma backwards, from experience to theory.ย
Note to readers: this article only reflects my personal journey through mental illness. Please seek professional medical advice if you are feeling unwell. You may read part I here.
The training
Thinking about my loved ones, I decided to try and solve this depressive state I am in. If I am already ready to end everything, what else can I lose right?
The first thing I turned to.. was YouTube.
I was searching for ways to overcome sadness or how to overcome a broken relationship.
The search on YouTube returned two sources of information: meditation guidance by Mingyur Rinpoche and Q&A sessions by an Indian Mystic to Indian university students.
The training begins.
The noble truth of suffering
Sickness is suffering
Not getting what you want is suffering
Being separated from what you want is suffering.
These three phrases summed up what I was going through during my depression. I did not want to have a negative mind so I constantly fought the sick mind which was full of negative thoughts and feelings.
Constantly replaying memories of my past broken relationship, I relished in the past. After the memories stopped playing, I came back to reality, realizing that I would never get back to the relationship. Not getting what I wanted, I suffered.
Origin of suffering is craving
I can never get back the familiar relationship that I want. But I want a sense of familiarity.
I can never be with the person that I was familiar with. But I want the comfort of being with the person.
I am drowning in negative thoughts and feelings. I don’t want pain!
These thoughts of wanting and not getting it replayed in my head. So much dukkha.
To try and overcome the depression, I followed Mingyur Rinpoche’s meditation technique to visualize my thoughts and feelings like clouds in my mind. Whenever you see thoughts and feelings arise, treat them like clouds and see them fade away.
Easier said than done.
For the first year of meditation to overcome depression, I never meditated for more than 15 minutes. Sitting down in meditation and watching my mind, negative feelings and thoughts swamped me within seconds and minutes. I got tired from the activities of the mind so I fell asleep tired.
A side note, it was after reading MN10 Satipaแนญแนญhฤnasutta that I realized that I should have started meditation from the body first instead of feelings. But I wouldnโt have known it back then.
All mental phenomena have mind as their forerunner; they have mind as their chief; they are mind-made. If one speaks or acts with an evil mind, ‘dukkha‘ follows him just as the wheel follows the hoofprint of the ox that draws the cart. โ Dhammapada 1
The mind will drift in the direction you guide it towards. In the initial stages where I still had not accepted the broken relationship, I saw the negative thoughts and feelings, and I followed them and relished in them, to replay the memories of the past.
Cessation of craving leads to the cessation of suffering
What helped me to get over the negative thoughts and feelings of a break-up? Acknowledging that the relationship was over and it was time to move on helped. I set the intention to see my negative thoughts and feelings and acknowledge them, instead of fighting them (not wanting the thoughts and feelings) or chasing them (wanting and relishing in the thoughts)
“You are not your body, you are not your mind”
“Once you put some distance between yourself and your body and mind, that’s the end of suffering”
“If you are in the river, you cannot see the river. If you are outside the river, you can see the river.”
These phases gave me progress in meditation through depression.
I stopped the strong craving for the negative thoughts and feelings to go away. I stopped fighting the thoughts and feelings. I put some distance between me, the observer, and the thoughts and feelings (the grasping aggregates).
I was like a person in a cinema watching the memories and feelings play out in the mental cinema of my mind.
The meditation got easier and slowly, I became the observer of the raging thoughts and emotions. I saw the thoughts and emotions arise and I saw them slowly fading away.
Honey-Cake sutta
To give a little more flavour of my journey through mental illness, I’ll use the Honey-Cake sutta.
Sense organs (e.g. eyes) + sense consciousness (a functioning eye) + Phenomenon (Sights from the surrounding). The meeting of the three, is contact. Contact is a condition for feelings.
What you feel, you perceive. What you perceive, you think about. What you think about, you proliferate. โ MN 18 The Honey-Cake
What do all these mean?
After my breakup, whenever I saw couples, the sight of them triggered all the memories in my mind. My mind started to feel all the past feelings and memories came flooding out. Holding onto the feelings and memories, I craved for the past. All these actions happened in just a split second.
When I became more mindful, I saw that I was seeing, I was aware that I was seeing. So when I saw couples, I was mindful that thoughts and feelings arose. Then I watched the thoughts and feelings play out in my mind. Not getting carried away by the mental drama of thoughts and feelings, I saw the mental drama slowly fade away.
Beyond the flood
After meditating for four years, I can see my own aggregates objectively. Whenever the aggregates get triggered by contact with the inner world (thinking about the past) or the outside world (when I see couples), I can see the aggregates at some distance and not get carried away.
The thoughts and feelings of the breakup are still there. But the aversion to the thought and feelings became much much weaker. Negative thoughts and feelings became just thoughts and feelings. There is no need to label the aggregates as good or bad. Aggregates are just phenomena that arise and if you watch them with some distance, not getting carried away, they fade away.
Once you stop getting enchanted/attracted (nibbida) by your aggregates (negative thoughts and feelings in this case), you develop viraga (dispassion). Eventually, you get tired of engaging with the negative thoughts and feelings, then it becomes nirodha (cessation). Finally, vimutti, freedom from the grasp of the negative mind states.
What about learning Dhamma backwards?
Throughout the article, I have thrown in Dhamma concepts and Pali words. But throughout the four years when I was meditating to overcome depression, I never learned any Dhamma concepts.
I never knew about the noble truths, five grasping aggregates, six sense bases etc.
It was only after four years of meditation that my mental conditioning became stable. I went to search for answers about the journey I had been through.
This meant, to me, that Dhamma is the reality around us. Dhamma is not just theory in a book to me because I experienced the Dhamma. With the practice of meditation, there is a gradual development of dispassion towards those raging emotions and grasping aggregates.
I learnt through experiencing the Dhamma before searching for theoretical knowledge in the suttas.
Resources I found
My search to relate my experience to Dhamma concepts took me to Buddhist Fellowship and DAYWA. Through Buddhist Fellowship, I attended the Dhamma Foundation Course (DFC) conducted by Sister Sylvia Bay and Brother Ong Chye Chye.
The detailed and lively lessons of Sis Sylvia and Bro Chye gave me the Dhamma roadmap to link what I experienced to the Dhamma taught by the Buddha. Lessons included discussions and meditation sessions for participants to understand and experience the Dhamma concepts and bring the concepts to life.
DAYWA, aka Dhamma Assembly for Young Working Adults, is a group of young Buddhist practitioners. It is through DAYWA that I found like-minded friends who are committed to the practice and discuss our journey together. Through the events and discussions, I learned more about the Dhamma and grew in my Dhamma journey.
Disclaimer: To highlight any conflict of interest, I volunteer at both Buddhist Fellowship and DAYWA at the time of writing this article. But to see if I am biased or not, it is for the wise to visit these organizations and see it for themselves ๐
Concluding points
My intention in sharing my journey is to give my version of going through a mental illness. Everyone’s situation of suffering (dukkha) might be a little different, ranging from minor dissatisfaction to severe depression.
Being aware of the suffering is the first step and having the intention to take steps to overcome the suffering to bring you more peace is a wholesome act that deserves praise.
The journey to reduce our suffering is a long one. But the Dhamma is a gradual training path and every effort we make can bring us to more peace and joy. Meeting the Dhamma and gaining even one minute of peace from the flood of your mind is like finding an oasis in the vast desert.
Sabbe Satta Sukhita Hontu. May all beings be happy.
TLDR: This article takes you through my journey of getting into depression and a general description of the experience.
Note to readers: this article only reflects my personal journey through mental illness. Please seek professional medical advice if you are feeling unwell.
Living in blissful delusion
Just like many other young adults, I got into a long-term relationship. The relationship was rocky with its ups and downs. But eventually, following the typical Singaporean rite of passage, we decided to get a BTO housing apartment after four years together.
When the commitment of buying a house together came, it made me think about the differences in values between me and my ex.
Living in blissful delusion, I had a strong belief that if we stay together, we can work things out. There was a strong craving for romantic feelings and physical touch from another person.
The downfall
Right before the day when my ex and I were supposed to select the apartment to purchase, we got into a big fight about our differences in values. Eventually, the relationship was broken.
Not knowing what a failed relationship meant, I woke up not knowing what to do on weekends. In the past, weekends meant going out with someone.
Having a change in routine, the void and emptiness started developing. I didnโt know what to do during my free time.
Still not knowing about the emptiness that was ravaging me, there was a lack of awareness of my own thoughts and feelings. I went about my university life, taking my final year papers in anticipation of graduation and a new phase of life. Unknowingly, I became quieter than usual (I am quiet by nature) and I looked sad.
Then during a meeting with a mentor, he remarked to me, “Someone commented that you looked depressed. Are you okay?”
After that meeting, a new word entered my vocabulary, “Depression”.
Drowning in the flood
While living in blissful ignorance of my depression, I was going about my final university days, trying to pass exams and getting a job.
It turned out that depression was affecting my performance in daily life. I was replaying the thoughts of my broken relationship every single hour. Wanting to find answers to the questions in my mind, no answers could be found.
“Could I have given in more so the relationship would work out?”
“Why can’t the differences between us be reconciled after trying for years?”
The more I craved for answers, the more I tried to replay all the memories and past feelings to find answers. Unknowingly, I sank deeper in the rabbit hole.
Struggling with the raging memories, I could not focus on the daily tasks at hand. I performed poorly for my internship and my exams. I managed to graduate but without a return offer to my internship company due to poor performance.
Whilst I was jobless as a fresh graduate, I had all the time in the world to find a job. I had more time to drown myself in my sorrows as well. I replayed my memories from the past even more to try and find answers.
Eventually, it came to a point that I was crying uncontrollably in the middle of the night, alone in my room. I was drowning in my own thoughts and emotions of the past.
I hit rock bottom and thoughts of ending it all came. I was jobless, I was suffering from my thoughts and emotions and I felt trapped in pain.
Note: I will not elaborate on depression. Because thinking about it will only strengthen the intention. To anyone who is reading this, feeling depressed or not, having that awareness of depression or sadness will be the first step. The second step is to set the intention and overcome the sadness.
All mental phenomena have mind as their forerunner; they have mind as their chief; they are mind-made. If one speaks or acts with an evil mind, ‘dukkha‘ follows him just as the wheel follows the hoofprint of the ox that draws the cart. โ Dhammapada 1
A mind full of negativity will only create more negative thoughts. Then suffering follows.
When I realised that I was drowning in negativity, the first thing was to acknowledge that I was in a pit and to stop digging further. Acknowledging the present situation was the first step to make me feel better and move toward recovery.
Conclusion
The intent of the article is to share my own experience of falling into depression and a general description of the experience.
The main point here is to be aware of strong negative thoughts and feelings that lingers in your mind. Being aware of the strong negative thoughts and feelings, acknowledge that you are feeling sad.
Then set the intention to see the negative state of mind as it is, not fighting the negative state of mind (not wanting the negativity) and not giving in (delighting in your pain) to the negative state of mind.
It’s not going to be easy. But overcoming the negative state of mind to have a peaceful state of mind will be worth it.
My next article will focus on how my unexpected journey into the Dhamma brought much needed relief from suffering.
Make your body and mind happy while you are trying to recover from illness (mental and physical). Do light exercises and eat healthy so your body and mind are happy and ready to change.
Acknowledge your negative thoughts and feelings. Show yourself care like how you would advise your best friend.
Celebrate each moment you feel the peace away from your troubling mind.
Editorโs note: This article was first published from buddhism.net and edited with the authorโs permission, Meng is also an advisor to Handful of Leaves.
TW: This article has brief mention of suicide contemplation
TLDR: From suicidal thoughts to a successful career at Google, follow Meng’s path as Buddhism becomes the beacon of light that guides him to lasting happiness.
My name is Meng, and Buddhism saved my life.
โBuddhismโ in Singapore
I grew up in Singapore in a โBuddhistโ family within a โBuddhistโ culture. I put the word โBuddhistโ in quotes because when I was growing up, the โBuddhismโ I encountered was little more than idol worshipping, superstition, and elaborate funeral rites.
Many of the adults around me were โBuddhistsโ their entire lives and almost none of them had even the slightest idea what the core teachings of the Buddha were.
A quest for meaning beyond IQ
When I was in my early teens, I started searching for the meaning of life. The adults thought I was just an uncommonly smart kid doing what uncommonly smart kids did.
See, my IQ was measured at 156, I learned to read at age eighteen months, I taught myself computer programming at twelve, and I won my first national programming award at fifteen.
So, I fit the profile. However, the real reason I was searching was because I was suffering from depression.
It turned out that being smart and being very good at my craft even at a very young age did not make me happy.
Actually, it was even worse than that: I was suicidal. The only thing that kept me alive was I was too cowardly to die, but I also knew it was only a matter of time before my misery exceeded my cowardice.
Yeah, not good. Something had to change.
Searching through the different religions
I looked everywhere for answers. I looked to science and philosophy, which were a lot of fun to learn, but did nothing to help me with my suffering and my search for the meaning of life. I tried to understand religion, learning about Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism and Christianity.
The Buddhism I learned back then was Zen Buddhism, which I found mostly incomprehensible at the time with its weird, inscrutable questions (koans) such as, โThe sound of two hands is clapping; what is the sound of one hand?โ
The most attractive of all my options was Christianity, which was glitzy and extremely well-funded and well-organized in Singapore. However, it did not provide me with the answers I sought.
Worse, some encouraged adherents to eventually have unshakeable faith, placing aside my understanding and love for science. I really, really didnโt want to do that, thank you very much.
Crying & Suffering
The turning point came when I was twenty-one. I was invited to a Pentecostal church. It was very different from my previous understanding of church.
You see, I went to Catholic High School in Singapore, and the only reason my father sent me there was because he asked a friend who was an alumnus, and he highly recommended it. That friend later became the Prime Minister of Singapore. So I ended up in Catholic school, and I learned the Lordโs Prayer by heart, and thought I knew what church service meant.
But, oh boy, this was different.
Catholic High School in Singapore, back when I was attending it.
I found that Pentecostal church service was not boring at all, to say the least. They had energetic music, the pastor spoke like a pro, everybody โspoke in tongueโ, and there was a lot of crying. A lot of crying. I saw for myself how it worked.
Every week, these people would come seeking relief from their emotional pain, hoping to flush it away. Whoa.
Never mind that there were no answers here that made any sense to me, this was a place I could come to and cry every week to flush out my pain for the week.
I was impressed.
The week after that, I met a Tibetan Buddhist nun, Venerable Sangye Khadro. I asked her, โI went to church, I saw how they relieved their suffering. What is there in Buddhism that helps us deal with suffering?โ.
Her answer was, โAll of Buddhism is about dealing with suffering.โ
It was like suddenly, somebody opened the floodgates and a million tons of water came gushing in thunderously.
I immediately understood. I knew I was near to whatever I was seeking.
Finding solace in Dhamma and meditation
Coincidentally, the venerable was scheduled to give a talk in my university the following week, which I made a point to attend. In the middle of her talk, she uttered one sentence, โIt is all about cultivating the mind.โ
The moment I heard that, everything in my life made sense to me. Everything.
I told myself, โFrom this moment on, right here, right now, I am a Buddhist.โ I have never looked back. It was the best decision I have ever made.
Venerable Sangye Khadro
In the months that followed, I learned Buddhist meditation. It changed my life. The first truly life-changing experience for me was sitting in meditation in an alert and relaxed state, then experiencing a gentle joy enveloping my entire body and mind for about thirty minutes.
I learned later that what I experienced was not magical at all. I had simply experienced the mind without its usual layer of constant agitation.
Without agitation, the mind returns to its default state, and the default state of the mind is joy. With that, I saw clearly how Buddhism would be the solution to my misery.
The journey continues
I am happy to report that since then, I had released myself from depression, I was no longer suicidal.ย I had found meditation and the Buddhist view of the meaning to life.
I went on to have a successful career as an early engineer at Google, and Archbishop Desmond Tutu nominated the One Billion Acts of Peace campaign I co-chair for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Yeah, things kind of worked out for me. And I never had to reject science, nor force myself to blindly believe in anything that did not make any sense to me. Buddhism was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Nobel Peace Laureate
WISE STEPS:
Meditate Regularly: Embrace the transformative power of meditation to cultivate a peaceful mind.
Seek Guidance: Connect with experienced practitioners or monks for deeper insights into Buddhist philosophy.
TLDR: Lydia shares her cycles of emotions when going through a breakup and how she eventually bounce back with the support of loved ones, healthy distractions, and deep realizations.
I was heartbroken after my first break-up. I would like to share some things that helped me through the process and I hope that it will be useful for you!
Before getting attached I used to have many crushes but they never knew until I finally told them a long time after. I used to feel needy and wondered when I would ever find a boyfriend but I had high expectations and never really settled down.
After I became more passionate about Buddhism when I was in Year 4 of university I felt that I had more emotional stability. I had fewer cravings and felt that there were more meaningful things to life than looking for a partner.
Eventually, I fell in love and found a boyfriend. Impermanence then waged war on my relationship and we broke up.
Here are realisations that helped me through the breakup, I hope that they will be useful for those going through their share of breakups
1. I am still very loved!
Post break up I felt abandoned, rejected and feelings of guilt came up. I asked myself what I should have done better.
I was unable to accept that the person I loved chose to move on. Even knowing the teachings of impermanence, I could not believe and accept that his feelings for me had changed.
I think the most important thing that helped me through was support from family and friends. To remind myself that I am still very loved. To spend time with them and to purposefully distract me till I achieve mental stability to process the difficult perceptions of abandonment and rejection.
2. It’s okay!
Itโs okay to be sad or depressed. I used to see crying as a sign of defeat or weakness.
I wanted to set a timeline for myself to heal, recover and move on, but I couldn’t. And itโs okay because creating a timeline for myself to move on added to the suffering.
There is a strong societal stigma pertaining to depression because it seems that the person is depressed out of their own choice.
But how can we forget that no one wants to suffer and we all want to be happy and peaceful?
While some aspects of managing depression are within our control, I think that we can be very helpless when strong emotions arise.
We can try to modify the aspects as much as we can such as avoiding triggers, distracting ourselves and not falling into habitual patterns of unwise decisions. But sometimes, we might still fail and become demoralised as a result.
Through this experience, I really feel much more compassion for people who have gone through depression. It is not just a clinical diagnosis but a difficult life situation, which might persist for a long time.
So, I tell myself it’s okay. It’s okay to still feel sad, it’s okay to feel needy and lonely. It’s okay to have thoughts of wanting to find someone to love you. It’s okay that I still don’t know how to love myself well. It’s really okay.
And this acceptance is loving kindness and compassion to oneself. I always struggle with loving kindness for myself, not knowing how to love myself. But this acceptance is the first step. Ajahn Brahm used to teach us, ‘Be kind, Be gentle and Make peace.’ His teachings have really helped me through this difficult period.
To open the door of your heart to whatever you are experiencing, and to sit tight and remind yourself that the storm will pass. Once you get used to the process, it is about bracing yourself and preparing for the storm too!
Another teaching that was useful is the analogy of the hand. If we put our hand in front of our face, it covers our whole world and our hand is the world.
But if we put our hand back to where it belongs, at the end of our arm, we can now see the whole world.
There was a time when the break up was the world to me. There was nothing I would think of except feelings of sadness and I felt so unmotivated to do anything at all. I could not see the love from my family and friends and I was so fixated on a love that I could not get.
I believe it was a lot of romanticising the good times and forgetting the difficult times. But if you deliberately remind yourself of the other things in your life, it reminds you of the blessings that you already have. And these blessings too, are impermanent.
Ajahn Brahm also taught that a relationship that ended is like a concert that ended. All concerts come to an end no matter how good it is, such is the nature of life.
3. Awareness of what you need
Post break up I was trying to act as if nothing happened. I was trying to continue my work and Dhamma commitments as much as possible, but it was a huge mistake.
What I needed was probably just to rest and to spend time with people I love.
There was a strong desire to reconnect with my previous boyfriend but every contact brought back difficult emotions. Yet I was still unable to let go.
Sometimes, our thoughts can feel very real and justified, although it might not be the best decision for us. This was probably my first experience with how we cannot fully trust our thoughts.
What helped me was that when the strong desire arose, I decided not to react or take action but I went for a jog instead.
After the jog, the compulsion to act was weaker, and I made a different decision. Even if you still decide to act in the same way after coming back to it, then so be it.
I can almost understand how obsessive people can be post-breakup. Although I was not obsessed to the extent of being a stalker, I could see many obsessive thoughts in me at one point in time.
Acknowledging that I needed rest and help is also important. To know that I am not in a good place now and hence to take a break from the commitments at hand.
I also realised that I needed to care for myself and to do things that made me happy.
Things that did help me were going to nature, especially going to the beach and listening to the waves was very therapeutic. Talking to family and friends or crying when you need to, listening to Dhamma talks, chanting and meditation and having adequate rest help.
In Summary
All in all, breakups suck! But Ajahn Brahm also teaches us that our life experiences are our kammic ingredients, whether good or bad. It is up to us what kind of kamma we make out of it.
Even with poor ingredients, we can still make a delicious meal. With our dog poo experiences, we can fertilise our mango tree, and it can be transformed into delicious mangoes!
And when we taste yummy mangoes, we are reminded of the dog poo in it. So when you see happy relationships, we must also remember to go – Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu, because who knows what kind of dog poo others have experienced?
Lastly, it will all pass, good or bad. And good, bad, who knows. Taking refuge in the triple gems and guarding my kamma and keeping myself close to the practice is probably what is most meaningful for me in this lifetime. That being said, a broken heart still takes time to heal. So be kind and patient with yourself and give yourself as much time as you need. Buddha bless!
Wise Steps:
Breakups suck, and acknowledging that sucky-ness is the first step to being in tune with your emotions.
Donโt believe all your thoughts! Such events can trigger different thoughts that might seem very real but actually arenโt real.
To know what you need and take part in activities that might help such as jogging, exercise, nature walks
Wholesome Wednesdays (WW): Bringing you curated positive content on Wednesdays to uplift your hump day.
What’s one way we can view Ghost Month? Beyond joss papers and prayers, we can understand how we can die well. Today we cover lessons from a Dhamma practitioner who faced death with ease and also what we can do when life seems to fall apart.
1. 10 Dhamma lessons that helped me in the last months of my life 2. Can life fall into place when it feels like falling apart?๏ปฟ
10 Dhamma lessons that helped me in the last months of my life
cr: Unsplash
Summary
Ann Le, a mindfulness trainer and member of Thich Nhat Hanhโs Plum Village community, shares 10 lessons that helped her in the last days of her life. She was hospitalised when sharing these short snippets of wisdom. She would then pass on after months of hospitalisation. We liked it because we could feel her wisdom and bravery in the face of death.
“Practice the habits of happiness in daily life when things are still okay”
Wise Steps
When was the last time you practised happiness in daily life?
If tomorrow was our last day, will we be content with doing all that we wanted to? Life is uncertain.
Can life fall into place when it feels like falling apart?
Cr: Unsplash
Summary
When life falls apart, it can be overwhelming and difficult to know how to cope. While there is no one-size-fits-all solution, there are ways to start putting your life back together. Einzelgรคnger, a philosophy youtube channel, shares a Buddhist story and how we can apply it to our lives.
” So, the best thing he could do is to find joy in his darkest hour, something that, as opposed to his predicament, lies within his field of control.”
Wise Steps
Reflect on the last time change led to something positive and negative in your life. Have hope that situations do change. Hang in there
Remind yourself ‘this too shall pass’ in both good and bad times
