Editor’s note: This article was first published from buddhism.net and edited with the author’s permission, Meng is also an advisor to Handful of Leaves.
TW: This article has brief mention of suicide contemplation
TLDR: From suicidal thoughts to a successful career at Google, follow Meng’s path as Buddhism becomes the beacon of light that guides him to lasting happiness.
My name is Meng, and Buddhism saved my life.
“Buddhism” in Singapore
I grew up in Singapore in a “Buddhist” family within a “Buddhist” culture. I put the word “Buddhist” in quotes because when I was growing up, the “Buddhism” I encountered was little more than idol worshipping, superstition, and elaborate funeral rites.
Many of the adults around me were “Buddhists” their entire lives and almost none of them had even the slightest idea what the core teachings of the Buddha were.
A quest for meaning beyond IQ
When I was in my early teens, I started searching for the meaning of life. The adults thought I was just an uncommonly smart kid doing what uncommonly smart kids did.
See, my IQ was measured at 156, I learned to read at age eighteen months, I taught myself computer programming at twelve, and I won my first national programming award at fifteen.
So, I fit the profile. However, the real reason I was searching was because I was suffering from depression.
It turned out that being smart and being very good at my craft even at a very young age did not make me happy.
Actually, it was even worse than that: I was suicidal. The only thing that kept me alive was I was too cowardly to die, but I also knew it was only a matter of time before my misery exceeded my cowardice.
Yeah, not good. Something had to change.
Searching through the different religions
I looked everywhere for answers. I looked to science and philosophy, which were a lot of fun to learn, but did nothing to help me with my suffering and my search for the meaning of life. I tried to understand religion, learning about Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism and Christianity.
The Buddhism I learned back then was Zen Buddhism, which I found mostly incomprehensible at the time with its weird, inscrutable questions (koans) such as, “The sound of two hands is clapping; what is the sound of one hand?”
The most attractive of all my options was Christianity, which was glitzy and extremely well-funded and well-organized in Singapore. However, it did not provide me with the answers I sought.
Worse, some encouraged adherents to eventually have unshakeable faith, placing aside my understanding and love for science. I really, really didn’t want to do that, thank you very much.
Crying & Suffering
The turning point came when I was twenty-one. I was invited to a Pentecostal church. It was very different from my previous understanding of church.
You see, I went to Catholic High School in Singapore, and the only reason my father sent me there was because he asked a friend who was an alumnus, and he highly recommended it. That friend later became the Prime Minister of Singapore. So I ended up in Catholic school, and I learned the Lord’s Prayer by heart, and thought I knew what church service meant.
But, oh boy, this was different.
Catholic High School in Singapore, back when I was attending it.
I found that Pentecostal church service was not boring at all, to say the least. They had energetic music, the pastor spoke like a pro, everybody “spoke in tongue”, and there was a lot of crying. A lot of crying. I saw for myself how it worked.
Every week, these people would come seeking relief from their emotional pain, hoping to flush it away. Whoa.
Never mind that there were no answers here that made any sense to me, this was a place I could come to and cry every week to flush out my pain for the week.
I was impressed.
The week after that, I met a Tibetan Buddhist nun, Venerable Sangye Khadro. I asked her, “I went to church, I saw how they relieved their suffering. What is there in Buddhism that helps us deal with suffering?”.
Her answer was, “All of Buddhism is about dealing with suffering.”
It was like suddenly, somebody opened the floodgates and a million tons of water came gushing in thunderously.
I immediately understood. I knew I was near to whatever I was seeking.
Finding solace in Dhamma and meditation
Coincidentally, the venerable was scheduled to give a talk in my university the following week, which I made a point to attend. In the middle of her talk, she uttered one sentence, “It is all about cultivating the mind.”
The moment I heard that, everything in my life made sense to me. Everything.
I told myself, “From this moment on, right here, right now, I am a Buddhist.” I have never looked back. It was the best decision I have ever made.
Venerable Sangye Khadro
In the months that followed, I learned Buddhist meditation. It changed my life. The first truly life-changing experience for me was sitting in meditation in an alert and relaxed state, then experiencing a gentle joy enveloping my entire body and mind for about thirty minutes.
I learned later that what I experienced was not magical at all. I had simply experienced the mind without its usual layer of constant agitation.
Without agitation, the mind returns to its default state, and the default state of the mind is joy. With that, I saw clearly how Buddhism would be the solution to my misery.
The journey continues
I am happy to report that since then, I had released myself from depression, I was no longer suicidal. I had found meditation and the Buddhist view of the meaning to life.
I went on to have a successful career as an early engineer at Google, and Archbishop Desmond Tutu nominated the One Billion Acts of Peace campaign I co-chair for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Yeah, things kind of worked out for me. And I never had to reject science, nor force myself to blindly believe in anything that did not make any sense to me. Buddhism was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Nobel Peace Laureate
WISE STEPS:
Meditate Regularly: Embrace the transformative power of meditation to cultivate a peaceful mind.
Seek Guidance: Connect with experienced practitioners or monks for deeper insights into Buddhist philosophy.
TLDR: Lydia shares her cycles of emotions when going through a breakup and how she eventually bounce back with the support of loved ones, healthy distractions, and deep realizations.
I was heartbroken after my first break-up. I would like to share some things that helped me through the process and I hope that it will be useful for you!
Before getting attached I used to have many crushes but they never knew until I finally told them a long time after. I used to feel needy and wondered when I would ever find a boyfriend but I had high expectations and never really settled down.
After I became more passionate about Buddhism when I was in Year 4 of university I felt that I had more emotional stability. I had fewer cravings and felt that there were more meaningful things to life than looking for a partner.
Eventually, I fell in love and found a boyfriend. Impermanence then waged war on my relationship and we broke up.
Here are realisations that helped me through the breakup, I hope that they will be useful for those going through their share of breakups
1. I am still very loved!
Post break up I felt abandoned, rejected and feelings of guilt came up. I asked myself what I should have done better.
I was unable to accept that the person I loved chose to move on. Even knowing the teachings of impermanence, I could not believe and accept that his feelings for me had changed.
I think the most important thing that helped me through was support from family and friends. To remind myself that I am still very loved. To spend time with them and to purposefully distract me till I achieve mental stability to process the difficult perceptions of abandonment and rejection.
2. It’s okay!
It’s okay to be sad or depressed. I used to see crying as a sign of defeat or weakness.
I wanted to set a timeline for myself to heal, recover and move on, but I couldn’t. And it’s okay because creating a timeline for myself to move on added to the suffering.
There is a strong societal stigma pertaining to depression because it seems that the person is depressed out of their own choice.
But how can we forget that no one wants to suffer and we all want to be happy and peaceful?
While some aspects of managing depression are within our control, I think that we can be very helpless when strong emotions arise.
We can try to modify the aspects as much as we can such as avoiding triggers, distracting ourselves and not falling into habitual patterns of unwise decisions. But sometimes, we might still fail and become demoralised as a result.
Through this experience, I really feel much more compassion for people who have gone through depression. It is not just a clinical diagnosis but a difficult life situation, which might persist for a long time.
So, I tell myself it’s okay. It’s okay to still feel sad, it’s okay to feel needy and lonely. It’s okay to have thoughts of wanting to find someone to love you. It’s okay that I still don’t know how to love myself well. It’s really okay.
And this acceptance is loving kindness and compassion to oneself. I always struggle with loving kindness for myself, not knowing how to love myself. But this acceptance is the first step. Ajahn Brahm used to teach us, ‘Be kind, Be gentle and Make peace.’ His teachings have really helped me through this difficult period.
To open the door of your heart to whatever you are experiencing, and to sit tight and remind yourself that the storm will pass. Once you get used to the process, it is about bracing yourself and preparing for the storm too!
Another teaching that was useful is the analogy of the hand. If we put our hand in front of our face, it covers our whole world and our hand is the world.
But if we put our hand back to where it belongs, at the end of our arm, we can now see the whole world.
There was a time when the break up was the world to me. There was nothing I would think of except feelings of sadness and I felt so unmotivated to do anything at all. I could not see the love from my family and friends and I was so fixated on a love that I could not get.
I believe it was a lot of romanticising the good times and forgetting the difficult times. But if you deliberately remind yourself of the other things in your life, it reminds you of the blessings that you already have. And these blessings too, are impermanent.
Ajahn Brahm also taught that a relationship that ended is like a concert that ended. All concerts come to an end no matter how good it is, such is the nature of life.
3. Awareness of what you need
Post break up I was trying to act as if nothing happened. I was trying to continue my work and Dhamma commitments as much as possible, but it was a huge mistake.
What I needed was probably just to rest and to spend time with people I love.
There was a strong desire to reconnect with my previous boyfriend but every contact brought back difficult emotions. Yet I was still unable to let go.
Sometimes, our thoughts can feel very real and justified, although it might not be the best decision for us. This was probably my first experience with how we cannot fully trust our thoughts.
What helped me was that when the strong desire arose, I decided not to react or take action but I went for a jog instead.
After the jog, the compulsion to act was weaker, and I made a different decision. Even if you still decide to act in the same way after coming back to it, then so be it.
I can almost understand how obsessive people can be post-breakup. Although I was not obsessed to the extent of being a stalker, I could see many obsessive thoughts in me at one point in time.
Acknowledging that I needed rest and help is also important. To know that I am not in a good place now and hence to take a break from the commitments at hand.
I also realised that I needed to care for myself and to do things that made me happy.
Things that did help me were going to nature, especially going to the beach and listening to the waves was very therapeutic. Talking to family and friends or crying when you need to, listening to Dhamma talks, chanting and meditation and having adequate rest help.
In Summary
All in all, breakups suck! But Ajahn Brahm also teaches us that our life experiences are our kammic ingredients, whether good or bad. It is up to us what kind of kamma we make out of it.
Even with poor ingredients, we can still make a delicious meal. With our dog poo experiences, we can fertilise our mango tree, and it can be transformed into delicious mangoes!
And when we taste yummy mangoes, we are reminded of the dog poo in it. So when you see happy relationships, we must also remember to go – Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu, because who knows what kind of dog poo others have experienced?
Lastly, it will all pass, good or bad. And good, bad, who knows. Taking refuge in the triple gems and guarding my kamma and keeping myself close to the practice is probably what is most meaningful for me in this lifetime. That being said, a broken heart still takes time to heal. So be kind and patient with yourself and give yourself as much time as you need. Buddha bless!
Wise Steps:
Breakups suck, and acknowledging that sucky-ness is the first step to being in tune with your emotions.
Don’t believe all your thoughts! Such events can trigger different thoughts that might seem very real but actually aren’t real.
To know what you need and take part in activities that might help such as jogging, exercise, nature walks
Wholesome Wednesdays (WW): Bringing you curated positive content on Wednesdays to uplift your hump day.
What’s one way we can view Ghost Month? Beyond joss papers and prayers, we can understand how we can die well. Today we cover lessons from a Dhamma practitioner who faced death with ease and also what we can do when life seems to fall apart.
1. 10 Dhamma lessons that helped me in the last months of my life 2. Can life fall into place when it feels like falling apart?
10 Dhamma lessons that helped me in the last months of my life
cr: Unsplash
Summary
Ann Le, a mindfulness trainer and member of Thich Nhat Hanh’s Plum Village community, shares 10 lessons that helped her in the last days of her life. She was hospitalised when sharing these short snippets of wisdom. She would then pass on after months of hospitalisation. We liked it because we could feel her wisdom and bravery in the face of death.
“Practice the habits of happiness in daily life when things are still okay”
Wise Steps
When was the last time you practised happiness in daily life?
If tomorrow was our last day, will we be content with doing all that we wanted to? Life is uncertain.
Can life fall into place when it feels like falling apart?
Cr: Unsplash
Summary
When life falls apart, it can be overwhelming and difficult to know how to cope. While there is no one-size-fits-all solution, there are ways to start putting your life back together. Einzelgänger, a philosophy youtube channel, shares a Buddhist story and how we can apply it to our lives.
” So, the best thing he could do is to find joy in his darkest hour, something that, as opposed to his predicament, lies within his field of control.”
Wise Steps
Reflect on the last time change led to something positive and negative in your life. Have hope that situations do change. Hang in there
Remind yourself ‘this too shall pass’ in both good and bad times
Hello, my name is Cheryl, and welcome to the Handful Of Leaves Podcast. Today, we will be talking about crisis, mental distress and suicidal tendencies. This is a very heavy topic and definitely, it’s not the easiest to listen to. Yet, it is the conversation that we all need to hear more of. Globally, nearly 800,000 people die by suicide in the world each year. That is about one death every 40 seconds. Bringing us closer to Singapore, just last year, suicide is the leading cause of death for those between 10 to 29 years old. The numbers are staggering, and you never know who may be suicidal. It could be the person in the room with the biggest smile, or your strongest parent or perhaps even yourself.
Cheryl 00:56
We hope that by talking about suicide by talking about mental distress, this episode will bring you hope if you’re feeling suicidal. And if you know someone who is suicidal. This could perhaps help to shed light on what they’re going through and how you can be of support to them. As a trigger warning, today’s content will consist of suicide and self-harm, as well as depression if at any point you need to tune out, please pause the podcast.
Cheryl 01:25
We will begin with a grounding exercise to centre our hearts and mind as we delve into a dark topic today. Wherever you are listening to this podcast, I invite you to take a deep breath with me. Breathing in deep into your belly and breathing out. You relax. Breathing in the feel a sense of calm. Breathing out, you’ll relax. Breathing in joy and breathing out few at ease, grounded and centre.
Cheryl 02:16
Today’s speaker will be anonymous and we will be altering their voice so as to mask their identity. Here’s a quick introduction about them. The guest has been working in the mental health space for close to five years, helping people with crisis mental distress and suicidal tendencies to find clarity and meaning in their lives. This episode is not meant to be professional advice. If you’re feeling any distress if you’re feeling depressive episodes, please seek out professional help. We will attach some resources at the end of the podcast as well.
Cheryl 02:59
Hello, Kai Xin, hello guest. In conjunction with World Mental Health Month, we will be talking about helping ourselves and others to mental distress and suicidal tendencies. While I was reading through the statistics, I realised having suicidal tendencies or thoughts is so much more common than we think. And I’m really curious to hear your personal experiences, have any of you had suicidal thoughts before?
Guest 03:26
At one point in time, I did have some suicidal views. And it was due to my recollecting about meaning in life, and it led me to philosophical arguments internally and externally with people around me. The conclusion was that there is no meaning. Naturally, suicidal tendencies arose in me. So, in short, yes. I had those fears back then.
Kai Xin 03:51
I have not, but I know of friends who have confided in me who have.
Cheryl 03:55
I find it very interesting when people say they never had suicidal thoughts. I have had suicidal thoughts before. I think it has been from very serious to just fleeting thoughts, like I’m eating a burger and like, maybe death is good, to the more serious ones where I think it’s in conjunction with depressive feelings, where I just stand by the side of the road and waiting for a bus and I just wish that I would just lurch forward and a car would hit me and I just really wish I would die right then. So yes, I have had suicidal thoughts and it ranges in severity, ranges in intensity, depending on my mood as well. And when I talk to many friends, it seems that it is something that everyone kind of thinks about it on and off. And so I thought it was interesting that Kai Xin shared that she never experienced suicidal thoughts.
Guest 04:43
But Cheryl, it must be quite unsettling to have that thought and perhaps even surprising to have the idea of wanting to jump straight into the traffic. You must be going through quite a rough time back then for these thoughts to have arisen.
Cheryl 05:01
Yeah, and I think I cannot like really pinpoint any particular reason. It is just a cloud of like sadness and a cloud of pain. And I do remember, one time when I was driving as well, I was just feeling like, “Okay, I just want to just press the pedal and just go as fast as possible and just knock whatever, or just give up all control in driving, and just let whatever outcome happens.” So it is that sort of feeling that I’ve experienced before. But the interesting thing is that I cannot particularly pinpoint it to one specific pain. It’s just a whole cloud sitting on my head.
Kai Xin 05:39
I’m curious, when was the first time you had such a thought? And where do you think you got those from because, for our guest, it is from a philosophical kind of debate and understanding. And for you?
Cheryl 05:53
I think it’s interesting because the first time I had a suicidal thought, I cannot remember but I remember the first time I felt like giving up. And that was when I was in secondary school when I was bullied. And I just kind of was isolated from everyone, and I just wished to give up. But it didn’t really come across as a suicidal thought. But somehow, I think that’s similar to the theme and concept of just wanting to give up and escape, somehow manifested into a proper suicidal thought of like, really wanting to die. And perhaps it could be the influence of like learning a little bit more about, oh, people can suicide through x x x means and knowing of news of like, oh, people who have actually successfully killed themselves, yeah. And then I think you just kind of form into an idea of “this is a way to escape.”
Kai Xin 06:45
So it’s one thing to get away from the pain, I do see a common thread in the conversations I have with my friends as well, that seems to be one of the options that they are talking about. And I know our guest here, you have been helping people to overcome some of these very difficult emotions. I’m personally quite curious as to your journey, how did you get involved? And also some of the challenges faced, and perhaps also some advice so that we can all know, walk away from this discussion with some tools to help ourselves to deal with difficult emotions as well as to be the right support for our friends who are dealing with such emotions.
Guest 07:27
First, I’d like to acknowledge what you said earlier, in response to what Cheryl mentioned, you mentioned that Cheryl felt suicidal, more in a sense of not wanting the pain to continue. And in fact, that’s the sense of what I get to when I meet or talk to some of those that are suicidal. It is not exactly that they want to die, it’s that they want the pain to end and that they feel stuck. And there are no other alternatives apart from suicide. So that seems to be a common mental framework. For some who may feel suicidal.
Onto your question regarding the reason why I joined this organisation to do what I’m doing right now, which is working with those who are in mental distress, helping them through their suicidal thoughts. At one point in time, my friend, good friend went through a very rough breakup. And he was feeling very suicidal literally, every other day, he would call me and tell me that his heart feels so much pain that he would rather die. And at one point in time, there was one night about 1am that I had one of those calls, and suddenly he hung up his phone. So in a state of panic, I took a cab to his place. And in that cab ride, I called the suicide hotline here in Singapore. And what did they respond? It was actually an automated response. I’m on hold for about 15 minutes, maybe 10 minutes. I don’t remember. But it was quite a while. And that’s when the thought arose, and me that oh dear, there are other people who are in crisis, and there’s not enough supply of help of resources.
So that’s when I set the intention to want to help people in this space and mental health, be it suicide, or mental distress in whatever shape or form. And many years later I’ve had the chance to join the field. And so I did.
Cheryl 09:49
You have been working in the field for about five years. I’m sure you’ve experienced many people’s stories and many pressures. experiences with the people that you interact with. Can you share with me, you know, what is the most memorable one from your experience?
Guest 10:08
One of the most memorable ones that I had was of this young man, boy, teenager, 16-year-old. And he has been contemplating suicide for a long time. So one of the sessions when we spoke, he sounded very certain, he was adamant that this is, I’m going to go. So we spoke further, to the extent that we talked as if it was his last conversation since he was so clear.
And that was when he opened up to all of his past life stories. In that final conversation, or the simulated final conversation. He explains that he ultimately missed his dad who has passed away. Dad is, Dad was the only person who can understand him. And now he’s the only guy in the family. So he is taking on the brunt of bringing home the bread, even though he’s still 16 years old, and the mom doesn’t really care for him. This is utter neglect and loneliness. And he felt bad, and juxtaposing that with his thoughts of suicide, he realised that to truly honour his dad who has passed, he should live on and live the values that his dad has taught him. And that was something that I thought, left an imprint in me that I couldn’t really forget. Yeah, the only way to live is to carry on his Dad’s values.
Kai Xin 11:47
Wow, that’s really powerful. And it almost gives a new purpose in life, right? Because I can’t say for sure, but from my understanding, especially friends who have depressive and suicidal thoughts, what I sense sometimes is that they feel like a burden to the world. And maybe it’s better for them not to exist. So besides escaping from their own pain, it’s actually out of very good intentions, almost at the expense of their own welfare. That maybe it’s okay for me to, leave this hole and other people’s life would go on. And I think what you just share is so powerful, because it gives a new purpose and reason to live, and then to also be helpful and valuable to society. So from the mindset of “I’m such a burden” how can I add value to other people’s lives? I think it’s a strong push forward. I’m actually very curious to hear how you conversate with these people, because number one, you mentioned the long waiting time, right? I’ve watched documentaries as well as especially during the COVID period, the waiting time is so long.
Kai Xin 13:03
I actually did a search online, how I can be part of a volunteer on the receiving end of the Helpline\ but in the end, I didn’t, because I think the barrier to entry is just so high, you have to go through many months of training in order to be able to then handle phone calls. But I feel if I can walk away today with some tips just to be a better friend, or even like a better listener, I don’t know I might save lives. And I hope listeners as well would be able to watch out for some vital signs within themselves or within others to kind of, you know, put a stop to any of these very, I would say undesirable consequences.
Kai Xin 13:44
Going back to the question, how do you usually navigate conversations when people have suicidal thoughts?
13:51
That’s a good question. Because more often than not, we wouldn’t know that they even have suicidal thoughts. So the irony is that the question that we are so afraid to ask is one that we might need to ask. The question is, are you feeling suicidal? And beyond that, or in the midst of the conversation, of course, we know that we don’t have the full picture from the party consent, and therefore we don’t have that position to give advice, where we come in is merely to listen to understand empathise and that’s how we hold the space for them to be able to articulate their own thoughts. And in doing so, helps them by seeing their own thoughts with greater clarity, and thereafter with continuous understanding, empathy, and holding that space. We also ask questions for them to further clarify that. More often than not, they find the conversation helpful to see more of themselves, maybe some parts are hidden, some parts clear, combining both to find a new meeting, new direction.
Kai Xin 15:10
That’s very interesting. So it’s not really trying to fix any issue. But just being there for them, offering them the space for clarity. And perhaps through that reflection, they can emerge with a better option in order to relieve their stress, relieve their suffering. Yeah, that’s powerful. I think sometimes just simple things like presence makes such a big difference. I am wondering for you, Cheryl, when you have those suicidal thoughts, are there instances where you wish somebody could have done something?
Cheryl 15:44
Wow, that’s a tricky question. I think it’s very hard for me, and I think many others that I hear as well, when they experience suicidal tendencies. I think because of the shame that people have associated with this kind of thought. The tendency is to isolate yourself. So you know, you close yourself in a dark room, you close yourself under a blanket, or whatever it is. And, it’s to just hide with it. And when you do that, the tendency just become louder, the tendency occupies the entire space. And the last thing I want would actually is to reach out to people. So I do admire the courage or perhaps is not even courage, perhaps even desperation right, for some people to seek help, because they may be very fearful of actually doing the deed. But usually, I will just simmer in there. And what helps is actually the reflection of Dhamma in the sense that even if I were to end the body, the form, the mental states are negative, the kind of attachments, the delusions are still there abundant in my mind, I will have to restart the game in a new body, this time with a lot more bad karma, and a lot more obstacles to what is already a very challenging path. So, fortunately, or unfortunately, (because sometimes I really just wanted to end,), the Dhamma kinda forces me to keep afloat and keep going. But I will say it is a lonely and very alone kind of process because it is something that is not social, it is not something that you openly share with others.
Kai Xin 17:27
And I think there’s so much need to destigmatise, the word ‘suicide’, and also destigmatise just negative emotions. It’s such a human thing to feel pain, in fact, is the first noble truth, right? Understanding suffering. And yeah, I admire your courage for even sharing your own personal journey and do know that you have friends like us, who are here for you. I’m also just wondering, how would it be if friends were to reach out to you when you’re isolating?
Cheryl 17:58
I will secretly feel very happy, but I would feel surprised most of all. Surprised that people would suspect. It’s something that you right, Kaixin, sometimes when you’re in a not good mood, because you’ve always been the person that support others, so people usually wouldn’t think of you needing help. So is that similar kind of surprised that, “Oh, you actually would think that I need some help? Or you would actually associate me with something so unpredictable? Right? Yeah. So that is why I would feel surprised. And then, unfortunately, it will be scepticism, it will be how long would this person be here for? How long would this person care? In five minutes, in a week the person will get bored and busy. So I don’t know if it’s a stigma or if it’s something that perhaps our guests could share more? Do you notice trends like that, where people always feel very alone, very sceptical and doubtful of everyone else? And putting up a high barrier to anyone who even tries to reach out?
Guest 19:04
That is definitely a relevant question because the more we feel suicidal, the more we may, like Kai Xin earlier mentioned about feeling like a burden to society and therefore, want to isolate ourselves. The CDC, which is the US organisation that classifies suicide under disease, quote, unquote, actually indicated that one of the causes of suicide, the factor that promotes suicide is the stigma itself. When having the stigma, we choose not to speak about it. And therefore we don’t engage in help-seeking behaviour. We don’t even talk about it.
Guest 19:48
Everything is just bottled up and there come your thoughts that cycle through themselves with no additional inputs. That’s one element of isolation. The other you mentioned thereafter, when someone approaches you, you feel a little bit of scepticism. Yeah. How long will they even be here for me? So this is something that I’m not really sure how to answer. Because the level of scepticism may differ from person to person. But what’s generally the trend is that those people who have suicidal tendencies, if they have those tendencies, due to a dull view of the world, the level of scepticism tend to be relatively high. So I would say it may compound the effect. And the feeling of being let down when someone was initially there offering help, and thereafter goes away, the person is engaged in other things. The feeling of loneliness comes back, which is why it’s quite a difficult problem to tackle. Because even good intentions may lead us to hell. As that phrase goes.
Kai Xin 21:06
It does sound really tricky. I think there are two ways to look at this right. One is, of course, we have a support system, but some support system, they might not have the capacity to support us 100%. Then the other aspect, it’s about supporting ourselves. So if I have suicidal thoughts, what are some ways that I can deal with this thoughts? And I’m wondering whether you have any, I wouldn’t say advice, but just like thoughts on this.
Cheryl 21:35
Before that, I thought it may be interesting also for our guests to share. What are some of the reasons that people could go down the path of suicidal tendencies or even suicide? And then of course, back to Kai Xin’s question on, how can we then, you know, help ourselves in this way.
Guest 21:55
So there are many reasons why people go into suicide ideation. Maybe we simplistically would classify into two factors.
One is when there is a crisis happening, maybe you get fired from your job, you come home to find your spouse leaving you, your parents have cancer, all things piling up, your plate is full, and you feel stressed. The level of certainty in your being is destroyed. And in times of crisis like that, when the emotions run high, suicidal thoughts may come. And if the stress is too unbearable, one may take the action. That’s one element.
The other side of things is more of a continuous thought building up, it could be due to many reasons that we may not have the time to cover here. But could be due to like your philosophical views, your dim view of the world could be due to constant loneliness could be due to childhood trauma, or mental illness, especially. So these broadly two categories, due to intense situations are coming in together, or more of a prolonged, almost chronic aspect of suicidal ideation.
And on Kai Xin’s question, if we found ourselves to have those thoughts, how do we in a sense manage themselves out of them? Or manage through them? The fact that we can catch those thoughts initially would, I think, be a trigger for us to find solution, and not to mull over them. I think this conversation helps in that our listeners would be able to then put, like an additional antenna to realise that hey, oh, no, now, I haven’t suicidal thought. That is interesting. Bring forth curiosity, where the thought comes from, and thereafter investigate the causes for those thoughts. Is it due to certain life events, certain stress that we can’t manage? Or has it been there for a long time? That’s the first thing catching it is one.
Secondly, of course, seeking professional help, is always the ideal thing to do. You could go to a counsellor to talk things through and thereafter, you may get a prescription, or rather sorry, you may be referred to a psychologist for prescriptions if needed. So the diagnosis will then help you to take a step further down.
On the other hand, talking about preventive aspects, before even having those thoughts, our normal practice as Buddhists is to reflect on them. Five unavoidable events, right. The five remembrances on Ageing, illness, death on our Kamma. It helps us to view the world in perspective where we expect crisis to happen, we expect those events to happen to us. And when the suicide ideation arise, we can look at it objectively to know that this could be due to other conditions that we have no control of, but we expect them to come. So maybe in brief, those are things that we could keep a note of.
Cheryl 25:20
Could you share on the five remembrances, I think you mentioned four points.
Guest 25:26
So the five membrane says, We are subject to ageing, illness and death, and we have not gone beyond them. The fourth one is that we will go different been separate from the things that are out there, and the things that we love. And the last one is that we are the owner of our actions. And whatever we do, we will inherit the consequences.
Cheryl 25:50
Thank you so much for sharing, and also for really inviting us to investigate with curiosity, our thoughts, I have a question here. Because from my own personal experience, I feel like when I do have these thoughts, or even any sort of emotion, it feels very overwhelming. And the last thing that I want to do is to go into them to investigate, because it’s already so overwhelming to just experience them. So any advice on perhaps how to regulate myself?
Guest 26:26
Definitely, that can be a challenge when emotions run high. So perhaps the tendency to want to use the five remembrances or to reflect on the Dhamma as for those that are more cerebral, but when we know ourselves, our own human selves, our own tendencies.
If we know that the emotions run high, acknowledge the emotion, let them arise, feel through it, it is part of the journey of self discovery, though, we also have to keep in mind that like this Zen saying to use pain as the mirror, meaning when there is pain, there is suffering. So when we see the intense emotions, we acknowledge that it is there, while at the same time realise that when emotions run high, it’s not fair to us to make any decisions or take any actions at that point in time. So simply sitting with it, for failure to subside, might help. And of course, if that is still a bit challenging for some, talking to someone about it might also allow you to step outside of your emotions, or to feel emotions with someone else. And therefore you can feel a bit safe discussing, talking about what you’re feeling, and to have that second point of view, or sounding board.
Kai Xin 27:44
From my experience, speaking to friends, what they have found helpful is also to recollect the goodness. So I think when your mind is very dark, and Tao, all you could think about, it’s all the negative stuff. So having a list like a go to lists of what are some virtues you have, or photographs of things that can jolt some happy memories, just to brighten the mind a little bit. I think that is also something that is really powerful.
I want to just add on to the point that our guest have earlier about the five remembrance because for people listening to it for the first time, it can sound really depressing, like, you know, I’m, I’m still subjected to death, then why don’t I just end my life right now. But from a Buddhism perspective, because we don’t believe in nihilism means this is not your only life. If you end this life, you would then need to continue. It’s like a series, right? We watch drama. And then there’s a new season new episode, and you never know, whether you will take a form of a human and animal or even a being in a hell realm or heavenly realm, it all depends on the causes and conditions, which is the karma, you know, we are owners of our karma. And I think that becomes really sobering, because it is about going beyond death. It is about not just understanding pain, but seeing how exactly can we go beyond pain. And that’s exactly the roadmap that the Buddha has given to us. And if we really want to be free from suffering, then we have to understand the second noble truth, which is there is a cause of suffering, the clinging, the attachment. And then the third one is there is a way out. And then the fourth one is the way out, which is the Noble Eightfold Path. And that’s the only sustainable way in order to Yeah, to be free from any kind of distress.
Kai Xin 29:42
So personally, I find that to be really sobering. And I also know of friends who, like you Cheryl or when you just think of like, okay, if I were to end this life, I don’t know when my next starting point would be, and there’s a lot of negative, you know, karma and energy as well. That itself is really a very powerful thought to stop them on their feet. So I think I just wanted to make that clarification for people who do not know the five frequent recollections of truth. Yes.
Guest 30:12
Thanks for clarifying that Kai Xin. Definitely the view of Buddhism may seem nihilistic or depressive, when we look at the first noble truth, there is suffering or life is suffering. But when we go further, Truth Number Three is there is a cure to suffering. So it is not the be all end all, there is a way out. And that is when the nihilistic view ceases, and we go on into a more hopeful view in Buddhism.
Cheryl 30:47
I want to share a quote that I heard or I read, which says that whenever there is suffering, there is the opportunity to be free from suffering.
Kai Xin 31:00
I think it’s really how we make use of our circumstances. I’m not trying to oversimplify it. But the real truth, it’s really about perception of our own circumstances and how we make of it. Of course, then the next step is how can we expand our capacity to then perceive, you know, things in a beneficial and skillful way?
Guest 31:25
Well, what you mentioned there Kai Xin about how we perceive things, and that reminds us of the Sallatha sutta, , which talks about the two arrows, where it’s that everyone, regardless of whether you’re a practitioner, or a non-practitioner, you will feel pain, and that is the first arrow that comes. But the non-practitioner or those that are uninstructed, according to the Sutta, will lament, will mull it over, will beat themselves over it. And that creates a second arrow that puncture through the person, wherever the well instructed disciple would not do that. They will see the drawbacks, that arising the passing away of those emotions, and prevent the second arrow from getting them.
Kai Xin 32:11
I think there’s a quote that says, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Something like that.
Cheryl 32:19
Is a Facebook quote or something? Yeah, I think I think that’s a very beautiful thing to realise, at any present moment where you’re suffering, are you holding on to two arrows? And are you like squeezing it a little bit harder to yourself? Or are you actually putting in the effort to try to pull the second one and then the first one. So in a way, not easy, not easy at all. But it’s helpful to know that, in all of these things, we do have the capacity to realise that we have the option, as difficult as it may be, to still free ourselves from anything that is unnecessary and additional.
Kai Xin 33:01
And I’m also wondering, in the process of trying to pull out the arrow, it’s probably going to hurt even more, isn’t it? So then, okay, number one, is that true? Like from experiences? And then number two, how can we develop that tolerance and patience to really just end your intensity of emotion as we are going through the healing journey? Because sometimes, I believe when we are hitting the tipping point, but if we just wait a little longer, it’s either we break through or we break down, then? Yeah, how can we be able to see that?
Guest 33:38
That’s a very tough question when I don’t have an answer.
Kai Xin 33:43
For reflection, because even though I have not encountered suicidal thoughts, but I wouldn’t say for sure that in the future I might not have I think it really depends on how I guard my mind now. And even when dealing with very difficult and intense emotion, I have the tendency to want to push it away. And the more intense it gets, the more averse I feel. So I suppose the question is also for myself, right? Because I don’t have an answer. Like, how can I just sit with the pain even though it’s friggin painful. It’s tough. Yeah.
Guest 34:16
So like what we spoke about earlier, when emotions run high, logic is low. So it’s always important to preempt ourselves that we should never make any intention, decision, action when emotions are running high. And this is more of a general point also, especially when we’re with our partners or at work when we argue, emotions, run high. Keep that in mind to not react. That’s of course easier said than done. But as practitioners, the element of mindfulness is something that we continue to cultivate, easy or not, and that is the true test of being a practitioner, I’d say. Emotions getting the better of us.
Cheryl 35:03
And I guess this is where the precepts or even the practice of restraining yourself comes into play. Because when your defilements are high, when your emotions run high, as you mentioned, it is where we it, we are so tempted to just nail the shit out of the person, right, that we really despise, be that someone else or be that ourselves. So it’s the element of really restraining, and I guess this is where the self compassion piece comes into play , to know that the suffering that you feel it’s hard like a rock, how can you allow the gentleness, the softness of compassion, just like waves, you know, slowly, just ease out the tension, ease out the cracks, and slowly allow yourself to, I guess, dissolve and melt the pain. Slowly, just like you know, eroding away. Yeah. And I really don’t see any other way that could go through without compassion, because it’s really, you can’t use fire to fire a fire, you can use iron to fight with if you would just create a bigger mess. But that is the tendency, right, you want to hurt your pain, you want to hurt your hurt, because you know no other way. But actually, the only way is through compassion and from there, when your pain dissolves, you realise that all that is there is just that desire to want to be loved.
Kai Xin 36:32
I really like that it’s making self compassion, second nature to you on a daily basis.
Guest 36:38
One more which Cheryl mentioned, initially, mindfulness and then restrain, and then self compassion. in the Sedaka suta, where it was the story of two bamboo acrobats. One at the bottom one at the top. The disciple, the younger Acrobat at the top, actually told his master that was at the bottom, she or he, not sure the gender, but they said that if I take care of my balance, and you take care of your balance, then we will successfully perform. Whereas initially, the master insisted that you take care of my balance, and I take care of your balance. So there was an element there of self, focusing on self first. And in that Sutta, the Buddha mentioned that, indeed, the younger one was saying the right thing to focus on the self. And thereafter, he expounded that by focusing on the self, it is done through mindfulness meditations. And that is how you take care of yourself and in taking care of yourself, you take care of others. So we can see here that mindfulness is important to take care of yourself. And when we take care of ourselves, we take care of others, and how do we take care of others? Again, the Buddha commented that it is through compassion and goodwill. And in taking care of others, we take care of ourself. So it encapsulates what we talked about, about mindfulness, which leads to restrain, which also cultivates compassion.
Cheryl 38:18
And I’m just curious to know, you know, when you do this sort of work, where you deal with a lot of people who almost like presenting their gifts of pain to you, how do you take care of yourself?
Guest 38:33
That question recalled me of what Ajahn Chah said. So he does something similar in in his life, as a matter of fact, people go to him, talk to him about their problems and he told Ajahn Brahm, if I recall correctly, that you must be like a dustbin with a space that is open. Things go in, and then immediately comes out. So that is, of course the ideal state. With me going through this journey, what I’ve come to realise is that the choices are eventually made by them. It is not my choice. I’m here holding space, anything good happens it is to their credit to their own insights, anything undesirable happens, it is through their choice. So that in a way allows me to be at ease with whatever decision that was made.
Cheryl 39:26
I literally just got goosebumps, that’s so powerful. Thanks for sharing. And I think we can wrap up the episode with maybe a final sharing from our podcast guest today. Is there any advice or one thing that you would like our listeners to take away from this episode?
Guest 39:48
Since we are talking about mental health or other mental distress managing through them, it can be us managing them ourselves or us being there for others. I will have to offer two sets of advice. And we go back to what we’ve spoken about earlier. Cultivation of mindfulness allows us to see our own thoughts as they arise, and then try to create that space to respond, rather than react. This will allow us to then seek help in a more objective manner.
And in helping others, definitely, in generating the compassion, and also the wisdom to look, look out for signs and the courage to step up and ask how are you? They will definitely help those around us to allow them to have that space to talk to you.
Cheryl 40:42
Thank you so much. And with that, I hope this episode has been very inspiring and enlightening. And perhaps take action, reach out to someone, a close friend, a friend who’s distant and really truly ask them how are you? Provide a space for them to just share and let you know how they’re doing?
And if this episode has been beneficial to you feel free to also share this. You never know who might need to listen to this today. With that, thank you for tuning in all the way to the end and stay happy and wise.
Links and resources:
National Care Helpline: 1800-202-6868
SOS 24-hour Hotline: 1800-221-4444
Singapore Association for Mental Health: 1800-283-7019
TLDR: It is okay not to be okay. Being on the constant drive to be perfect can wear you down. Ching Wi recommends taking an incremental approach to generating kind thoughts to yourself and to see the little sparks in the darkest of caves.
Foggy spectacles from wearing masks. Forest fires. Social strife. Long socially-distanced queues for bubble tea. How can we keep calm & happy in a distressed world? A smiley social worker might have an answer.
Ching Wi has been a social worker for years. She helps elderlies people in her day-to-day job. With her joyful ‘hello’ given when we met, it is hard to grasp that she has suffered from depression. For six years.
Her journey into the darkest cave
Perfection. Competition. Ching Wi’s life was previously characterised by these two things. This led to a life of anxiety and self-doubt. She found herself responding to everything with anger.
Everything that she and others did previously needed to be up to her standard. She mentioned, her characteristic is like the boss that you don’t want to work with. It is fierce and scary.
These loads of negative emotions eventually piled up inside her heart. The three factors of depression: biological, physical and social aspects are mixed up. Anxiety and depression hit hard.
In a blink of an eye, she realised that everything becomes heavier, the negative thoughts towards herself and the world trapped her inside a dark cave.
In such darkness, it felt impossible to see any light.
Seeing the flicker of light
Upon seeing the sparks, Ching Wi placed great effort in developing mindfulness, taking refuge in the Triple Gem, trying to change for the better from her old version. Buddha’s teaching mentioned that hatred can’t be overcome by anger. Hatred can only be overcome by love. This is an eternal rule.
She recalled, ‘It is a very difficult process of healing. Changing from the 1.0 version to 2.0 is not easy. There are processes of 1.1, 1.2, 1.3,… etc. It is and will be a roller coaster ride of ups and downs.’ However, having trusted friends, families and the courage to believe in the power of truth in the triple gem is really helpful for the recovery process.
It can be very scary to experience depression and she found courage from “hiding” in the power Triple Gem’s truth. When she could not trust herself, she knew she could trust the Triple Gem, especially in stopping her suicidal thoughts. At moments when the suffering got really unbearable, she would imagine taking out all the negative emotions and believe in the Triple Gem, the teaching about the truth of life.
In times where she lacked confidence, she sought comfort in the Buddha’s compassion and practiced the Buddha’s teaching of loving-kindness. Even if she could not generate loving-kindness for herself yet, she kept trying. She found it easier to wish others well and at peace so she kept doing it. Slowly, the spark of positivity helps to calm her mind and she begins to feel kindness for herself too.
‘Take time to slow down every process. Be mindful of everything and start wishing others and yourself to have a blissful mind.‘ The advice she has taken to heart whenever she senses the darkness creeping in. Seeing how Ching Wi struggled and going through the hardest moment, was there any advice she had for others facing dark times?
She smiled, ‘learn to be kind to yourself, you too can see light’.
Helping others see light
“Learning to be kind and accept yourself, and being honest with yourself is very important to get out of suffering. Remind yourself that you too deserve a happier mental state, and depression is not a personal failure.” She advised.
Also, it is always better than letting the negative thoughts repeat over and over again. As it could be destructive to your mind.” She continued.
“But….what if you can’t do that?” I asked.
“Keep trying different ways to solve problems’. Ching Wi reckoned that it is very hard to move through hard times if our mind is not open, stuck in cycles of suffering.
Ask yourself: ‘Why am I so resistant to making myself peaceful and free from destructive thoughts?”
She suggested being open with your trusted people around you. It can be friends or family, or someone that you are comfortable to talk with. ‘Sometimes, they see our blind spot and help us to find confidence in ourselves. And could also bring up a new perspective that offers courage too.’
Even though it is not an easy journey to embark on with, it will be rewarding in the end.’ She grinned.
Lighting a candle in the darkest cave
“Lighting a candle in the darkest cave is not an easy task to do. However, it offers warmth to the cave. You may not still see the whole cave, but as the flame lights up, you will feel comforted and help to jumpstart your process of recovering.” She explained.
“As the candle continues to glow, the surroundings (mind space) will affect how bright will the candle be. If we could slow down and calm our thoughts, the warmth will brighten up the cave. A cave with even walls will enhance and reflect more light. Conversely, if the surroundings are jagged and wavey (full of worries), the glow will be shaky and unfocused. So pay attention too to the environment for the flame to continue shining.’ She cautioned.
Ching Wi calmly mentioned that even if you can’t see the full cave with your candle. Generate gratitude for that little flame, as it has at least helped you kickstart your process of recovery. To gain strength to face the world. To offer an opportunity to be happy again.
May you be inspired by this writing to light your own candle in tough times and offer strength to others.
Wise Steps:
Gratitude goes a long way. To both ourselves and others, it is a great daily practice!
Seeking help never hurts! From professionals to friends to family, finding that support helps guides you through the storms of life.
Need help? It is one call away
SOS 24-hour Hotline: 1800-221-4444
Singapore Association for Mental Health: 1800-283-7019
