TLDR: Some of us have been there: wild nights, alcohol, drugs – and worse. Out of control. Some of us are lucky to have found our way back, with the help of Buddhism and mindfulness. Here is a deeply frank and personal story of one person’s journey. It is also a lesson even for readers who have never been down that path.
Illuminating the path back home
In youth’s wild embrace, where desires entwine,
I chased fleeting pleasures, lost track of the time.
Drugs and the night whispered sweet, fleeting lies,
Yet deep in the silence, my true self would cry
The thrill of the moment, a flicker, a flame,
But ashes of longing left along with wise shame.
In sensual pursuits, I stumbled and fell,
A prisoner of passions, I crafted my hell.
Yet amidst all the noise, a stillness appeared,
In renunciation, my true self was cleared.
For in letting go, I discovered my worth—
The joy of stillness, my rebirth on this earth.
Freshly minted at 18, I dove head-first into the vibrant nightlife of Southeast Asia, eager to embrace the freedom of adulthood.
The heart-pounding thrill of clubbing became my new reality, with Jakarta’s nightlife, Jiak Kim (the old Zouk), Soi Cowboy in Bangkok, the clubs at Clarke Quay becoming my second home.
Every weekend – and the occasional Wednesday for Ladies Night – was a whirlwind of flashing lights and pounding beats, where I lost myself in the euphoria of the night.
The adrenaline rush from dancing and mingling was intoxicating.
But it didn’t stop there.
Before long, I found myself gravitating toward smoking and experimenting with drugs, driven by an insatiable desire for even more exhilarating highs.
The fatal attraction of these substances was hard to resist – they promised to amplify the thrill of my nightlife experiences and provide a temporary escape from reality.
Each drag of a cigarette felt like a momentary reprieve; a way to enhance the buzz of the club while mingling with friends and strangers alike.
But while rock and roll might evoke images of guitars and rebellious anthems, for me it was all about the DJs.
As a member of my college’s DJ collective, I immersed myself in the pulsating world of electronic music.
What did I do last night!?
Alcohol flowed like water during those nights, with heavy drinking becoming the norm.
I was constantly intoxicated, often waking up with hazy shreds of memories of one-night stands and fleeting encounters that left me craving more.
The nightlife was a seductive siren, pulling me deeper into its chaotic embrace where every weekend promised new adventures and the reckless abandon I craved.
At 24, after six years of an adrenaline-fueled lifestyle that had taken a toll on my dopamine receptors (and my lungs and liver!), I found myself drawn back to the Buddha’s teachings for a variety of reasons.
As I reflect on my journey through the haze of nightlife and indulgence, I realise that my indulgence in these sensual pleasures stemmed from a deep-seated feeling of my own inadequacy.
In a world that all too often equates worth with external validation — be it through social status, physical appearance, thrilling experiences, GPA or job offers — I found myself constantly striving to prove my worth.
My relentless pursuit of affirmation drove me to seek sensual desires as a way to escape my insecurities.
Each drink, each high, and each fleeting connection served as a temporary distraction from the nagging feeling of inadequacy.
This left me feeling increasingly inadequate, as the highs were inevitably followed by lows of self-doubt and regret.
In contrast, the teachings of Buddhism offer me a profound alternative: the practice of contentment and satisfaction, as beautifully articulated in the Metta Sutta.
Cultivating loving-kindness to ourselves and having gratitude allows us to appreciate what we have rather than constantly yearning for what we lack.
In his Dhamma talks, Ajahn Brahm often emphasises that embracing contentment can profoundly enhance our lives.
When we adopt the mindset of “this is good enough,” ( Por Dee in Thai) we cultivate a sense of peace with ourselves.
(Here’s the LINK to Ajahn Brahm’s talk)
In the Samaññaphala Sutta (DN2), the Buddha highlights that when we are content, we experience profound joy and tranquility.
This contentment allows us to cultivate a mind that is less distracted by cravings for sensual pleasures, leading to deeper insights and spiritual growth.
During a recent visit to Venerable Luang Por Ganha’s monastery in Khao Yai (central Thailand), Ajahn Tilo, Luang Por’s Kapiya (steward), fellow retreatants and I were constantly reminded that “everyone is perfect, just like this. Right here and right now.”
He emphasised that we should not carry guilt for our past actions, as the person who committed those deeds is not the same as who we are now, (referencing the concept of Anatta – non-self).
This message led me to reflect on the significance of self-love and contentment in our practice, as well as the importance of letting go of our past.
Charting a new path
In the Potaliya Sutta (MN 54), the Buddha uses the metaphor of a dog licking a blood-filled bone to illustrate the dangers of sensual desires.
He describes a scenario where a dog, driven by hunger, gnaws on a chain of bones that are already thoroughly scraped clean and devoid of flesh.
The Buddha asks whether this dog would be satisfied by such a meagre offering, to which the answer is no, as it would only lead to weariness and vexation.
This metaphor serves as a powerful reminder that indulging in sensual pleasures—much like the dog fixating on an empty bone—can leave us feeling unfulfilled and dissatisfied.
I was recently invited to a friend’s birthday party at a night club, which felt like a nostalgic trip back to my younger days.
But this time I experienced it through an entirely new perspective.
As a practicing Buddhist, I avoided alcohol – I have been sober for about four years now.
This time, I found the behaviour of the drunk patrons in the club to be truly eye-opening, a scary reminder of who I once was.
Groups of teenagers danced wildly, rowdy boys got into brawls with each other, and hormone-fueled youths who spent the night trying to flirt with girls.
This horrifying scene was a stark reminder of what Ajahn Tilo once asked me: “Do you want to be a dog? A slave to your desires and instincts?”
The sight of the chaotic behaviour of drunken patrons at the club stirred a strong sense of Nibbida (disillusionment) within me, reinforcing my understanding that true fulfilment lies not in fleeting pleasures but in cultivating inner contentment and clarity, free from the shackles of desire.
“This is the only way, monks, for the purification of beings, for the overcoming of sorrow and lamentation, for the destruction of suffering and grief, for reaching the right path, for the attainment of Nibbana, namely the four foundations of mindfulness.” – MN10.
Cultivating a still mind is the pathway to genuine happiness, akin to Ajahn Chah’s metaphor of a Still Forest Pool.
In this analogy, sensual desires act like disturbances that disrupt the tranquility of the mind, leading to dukkha (suffering).
When we become entangled in cravings and attachments, our mental clarity is clouded, preventing us from experiencing true peace.
In contrast, embracing a life of peace, contentment, and virtue calms the mind, allowing for the stillness necessary to observe our thoughts and emotions without attachment.
As Ajahn Brahm explains, when the mind is very still, it becomes a serene environment where “wild rare animals”—symbolizing deep states of concentration and insight— will visit the “Still Forest Pool”. This deep samadhi reflects a profound connection with reality, where one can witness the comings and goings of thoughts and feelings without being swayed by them.
By nurturing this stillness through meditation and mindful living, we can cultivate a lasting sense of joy and fulfilment that transcends the fleeting nature of sensual pleasures.
“Sabbe satta Sukhi Hontu” – May all beings be happy
Wise steps:
- It is okay to not be okay: If you are always seeking external stimulus through things like drugs and alcohol to mask the feeling of suffering, you might have a problem and there is no shame in asking for help.
- Seek help. From friends, family or professionals. You cannot beat this alone.
- Think about who you hang out with. It is hard to change your behaviour if you keep hanging out with the same old crowd who indulge in, and encourage, unwise behaviour.
- Many people have found that a change in routine helps us recalibrate and discard bad habits. Take up exercise, whether it’s a walk in the local park or going to a gym. Choose to eat more healthily.
- Some helplines in Singapore: . 6-RECOVER (6-7326837), between 8am and 11pm; Samaritans in Singapore; Health Hub; National Addictions Management Service (Singapore Government).
