TLDR: How to navigate the uncertainties of online dating? Learning to want less, expect less and identify what is within and outside of our control can help us know ourselves better.

As a young (<30-year-old) man interested in women, I spent the last four years actively swiping on various dating apps looking for a partner for a long-term relationship. The search has not resulted in a lasting relationship, and I am still single, but all is not lost: reflecting on the process has produced some thoughts that could make dating less painful, which I hope to be able to share.

What the Buddha Said about Attraction

In the very first sutta of the Numbered Discourses (Aṅguttaranikāya), AN 1.1 Cittapariyādānavagga “The Chapter on What Occupies the Mind“, the Buddha was recorded as having said:

“Mendicants, I do not see a single sight that occupies a man’s (woman’s) mind like the sight of a woman. The sight of a woman occupies a man’s mind.”

Of course, the Buddha also said:

“Mendicants, I do not see a single sight that occupies a woman’s mind like the sight of a man. The sight of a man occupies a woman’s mind.”

I think this sutta does describe the underlying drive behind dating. We allow the many facets of others to occupy our minds and thoughts, making them our singular focus—and create for ourselves a world of distinctions, complexities and possibilities (& unhappiness!)

Online Dating: More Than Just Swiping 

Online dating is a process that involves the creation of profiles by interested people—you curate photographs, videos and short descriptions and traits about yourself, list out your preferences in a partner (gender, age, relationship type, etc. ), and the dating app platform searches for suitable people meeting those preferences and presents them to you. Next, you decide if you’d like to connect with them, and if they feel similarly about connecting with you, they accept, and it’s a match! The talking part commences, and possibly an in-person meetup in the future should both parties agree.

The Three Kinds of Uncertainty in Online Dating

As simple as the process sounds, looking back, I’d say that my experience of online dating is one that can be characterised by three kinds of uncertainty:

First, the uncertainty in whether I’d meet someone; long stretches of not matching with anyone, wondering if there was something lacking in myself that made me unworthy to be considered, and the additional loneliness I felt through this process of waiting.

Second, the uncertainty in whether I’d get along with the people you meet; people came in with their own expectations, ideas and thoughts about the dating process. Many were just bored, and wanted to see what it was like, without any real interest or investment in the process. Some appeared to be dating according to a checklist, keen to find any point of incompatibility. Others were disinterested, and spoke nothing much. Many matched and neither spoke nor responded to a “hello”, and unmatched soon after. 

Ghosting happened often, expectedly (and also most unexpectedly), and people regularly dropped out of connections that they had no interest in continuing—without even a “this isn’t what I’m looking for, goodbye”. 

(Let me note that: people should not have any obligations to continue conversations that they don’t feel comfortable or safe engaging in. Ghosting can be the best way to end an interaction, especially if further explanation or reason only serves to magnify the discomfort or danger.)

Being ghosted created more self-doubt: was it the quality of my end of the conversation? Was I too serious? Not fun enough? Not interesting enough? Too desperate? Too insecure? Was I not a good person? Was I not good enough? Was it something about me that I could fix? Skill issue? Frustration and unhappiness also arose from being  “unceremoniously” disconnected.

Thirdly, the uncertainty in building a lasting connection. For the few matches for which conversations were responsive and interesting, that I felt increasingly invested in, there was the uncertainty and anxiety in being able to hold on and build something out of the connection. 

Upon reflection, I guess I did also turn people away for being too intensely invested in the process. This came with feelings that it was my flaws that sabotaged it, and wondering if I’d ever meet someone as unique, great and good as them ever again.

Eventually, it also dawned upon me that I had no real sense of what was going on.  I just had an “idea” that I had a stake or an investment in a relationship — I too had no clue what I was going to do with a relationship beyond the first few dates.

Reflecting on my experiences (with the help of the Dhamma) has made them less painful, and I’d like to share some thoughts that’ve comforted me, and helped me to look at the dating process differently.

Wanting Less, Hurting Less

Wanting brings a sort of dissatisfaction—so want less: At the root of it, the preoccupation with dating & finding someone is itself a source of suffering. The Buddha taught that the: 

“…union with what is displeasing is suffering; separation from what is pleasing is suffering; not to get what one wants is suffering”  

SN 56.11 Dhammacakkappavattanasutta

When we find ourselves in relationships that are unfulfilling and unbeneficial, there is unhappiness. Losing, changing, or ending a promising connection that we greatly enjoyed is also a form of unhappiness, and when we seek but do not find someone suitable for us, that is yet another sort of unhappiness.

My takeaway: To moderate my wants & expectations regarding relationships. Although the inevitability of (some degree of) suffering attached to the pursuit of romance and love persists, by letting go of unrealistic or unnecessary expectations about relationships, I subject myself to fewer avenues of suffering. To me, this is a call for simplicity and moderation in my expectations about relationships—to focus on the few and vital aspects that are the most important to me.

Focus on What You Can Actually Control

What is within & what is beyond our control: I think we spend too much time and effort on what is outside our control, and too little on what is within our control.

What is outside of our control? Meeting the right person. What is within our control? Our happiness and fulfilment.

My takeaway: We may think that the process of encountering people is entirely within our control, but that isn’t necessarily true. We can do a great deal in setting ourselves up for success—by the ample possession of good morals, qualities, traits, behaviours and habits, by looking for people in the right places (not on online dating platforms perhaps 😜), by ensuring that we are in the right mindset and frame of mind to date. However, we are ultimately dependent on there being a suitable counterpart out there—someone at the right place, right time, who shares a compatible outlook on life. 

The online dating scene is noisy and full of distractions—people are in it for a variety of reasons and try as much as we do to filter incompatible people out, chance and uncertainty features strongly in this process. Just as we don’t expect to be the lucky draw winner for every contest we enter, and aren’t overly disheartened by this outcome, we should practice a sort of “patient forbearance” (khanti) in this process, and focus on ensuring that we have done what we can to set ourselves up for success.

My takeaway: We may think that happiness, fulfilment and completeness come from finding the ideal partner, but that isn’t necessarily true.

There are some joys that arise from being partnered, such as the experience and ability to care for and be cared for in romantic relationships, having someone to share and experience life with; but our happiness and fulfilment is largely our own affair.

Even if a partner presented to us all that we need to be happy and fulfilled—whether materially, emotionally, romantically or otherwise—blinded as we are by our expectations and wanting, we would not be able to recognise and appreciate it. The solution to this lies within ourselves.

When we work on ourselves, the most natural and immediate beneficiary is not our (prospective) partner, but ourselves. The cultivation of skilful, beneficial and wholesome qualities brings immediate and long-term improvements to our lives. These traits would also attract like-minded people who appreciate them—an additional plus point. Similarly, the letting go of unskilful, unbeneficial and unwholesome qualities makes us easier to live and interact with, benefiting both ourselves and those around us. When we are easy to get along with, people find our presence enjoyable and less stressful, which is an added bonus.

Know Thyself: The Hardest Swipe

Know Thyself: If I were to condense all of my thoughts about dating learnt over the past four years into a single phrase—it would be “know thyself”. 

My takeaway: We are best placed to truly understand ourselves and what we are looking for in relationships; to know what it is that we actually want and whether it is helpful to us. 

Our continued fixation on idealised images and aspirations about dating brings us a great deal of unhappiness when they go unmet, or when reality is dull compared to our expectations.

Self-knowledge brings perspective on the relative importance of relationships compared to the other things in life: our family, friends, work, spiritual practice, health,  and other life goals.

Could we also find a great deal of contentment, fulfilment and freedom in our current singlehood? If yes, by sowing good causes and conditions, we can patiently wait for the opportunity to meet someone aligned with our approach to life—and discern when a person isn’t suitable for us, and vice-versa .

Ultimately, respect, and concern for the welfare—physical, emotional, mental and sexual—of others underlies the whole process; after all, it is meant to be a joyful and enriching process for both parties after all.

Finding Peace, Not Just a Partner

In the spirit of the ‘Serenity Prayer’ by Reinhold Niebulr: 

“… give us courage to change what must be altered, serenity to accept what can not be helped, and insight to know the one from the other.”

May we aspire and work towards healthier and sustainable tendencies in dating!

Wise Steps

• Be clear about what I want from relationships – moderate my wants and expectations
• To understand what is beyond my control and what is within my control
• To know myself – have clarity on what I am looking for in relationships