[00:00:05] Julian: Until I was 18 years old, I could not look in the mirror at all. I’d go to the barber and I’d do this. I refused to look in the mirror. I could not. And the barbers would have to smack me, pull my head out forcefully because I just refused to do it.

[00:01:35] Cheryl: Tell me more about your journey as a Buddhist.

[00:01:37] Julian: Okay. I grew up Christian. Only in NS, when I met a very very good friend of mine and he’s now a Lama. He came to find me over the years and I think one day, he said to me, you’re supposed to be a Buddhist you were born to be a Buddhist and again.

[00:02:00] Julian: I remember at the time I was like no, it’s not something that I can accept, you know. But I think over the years, I was really quite dissatisfied with what Christians were telling me about myself. There’s always something wrong with me.

[00:02:13] Julian: After learning a bit more about Buddhism, that really is what life is about, is learning. So a lot of these that I go through now, or in the past to get over it, I’ve always told myself instead of being angry at it and reacting to it, you respond and that gives me pause.

[00:02:33] Julian: It’s very difficult, but I try, right? And this stems from something Lama said when I was in NS. He said, gay people are the way they are, because at some point in your past life, you were homophobic and you were very mean and very unkind to people who were gay.

[00:02:55] Julian: And therefore, this is the lesson you must learn. Of course, at the time, I didn’t accept it. But now, even if you look at it from a very contemporary, scientific perspective, even if it’s not true, even if you don’t believe in past lives, it doesn’t detract us from being kinder to people who are suffering because of whatever they’re going through.

[00:03:20] Julian: And my generation, the Gen Xs, we grew up in this environment where you must have a steady job, must have a car, must have so much to be successful. And this comes back to this Buddhist thing of ego, and this vulnerability, also comes from ego. I was a very proud person.

[00:03:40] Cheryl: So what changed?

[00:03:41] Julian: Losing it all. In all my life, I’ve always wanted to make a difference. And at some point I realised what difference am I making in all of this with my job and my career.

[00:03:51] Cheryl: What does it mean for you to just be yourself? From what I understand, (you) have not been yourself.

[00:03:57] Julian: The sense of liberation and the rewards I’ve received from being as natural as I can, I don’t live with like a knife at my throat anymore, a knife at your throat. When I was living in the double, I was hiding my family.

[00:04:15] Julian: I did it out of fear. Fear is a very, very powerful emotion. I was afraid for them. I was afraid for me. I was afraid of what people think about me. I was afraid of what people would think about them. And I was afraid of people blackmailing me, which happened quite a bit as well.You know, “if you don’t have sex with me, I’m going to tell your family”.

[00:04:31] Cheryl: That must be so difficult.

[00:04:33] Julian: It was part of the journey. And I can’t say that that journey was anyone else’s fault because that also came from my decisions in the past, correct or incorrect. And so I stuck with it and so coming out again to them and saying all of this was also very difficult for me because I was like, am I ready to lose it all?

[00:05:00] Julian: But it also comes to a point where really what to do. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. No matter what we do, people will judge you. There’s nothing that anyone’s going to agree with you 100%. It’s impossible, right? If I’m going to show skin, people are going to complain. If I don’t show skin, people are also going to complain.

[00:05:21] Julian: People just want to be heard. It was difficult to know that you’re going to lose everything. But one of the things I’ve also realised is that after all these years, I will always find a way to figure it out. Looking back, I’ve always sort of belittled myself. I said, no, you’re not good enough.

[00:05:40] Julian: You’re not good enough, which is very, very unhealthy. At some point I realised I needed to stop doing that. I needed to have a lot more self love, you know? Why can’t you do well in school? You’re horrible at it. Everything fails, you know? But that is the generation we grew up in.

[00:05:58] Cheryl: So what, how do you change that? Right. How do you bring the external inspirer motivator to come alive within?

[00:06:06] Julian: Okay. If you see my Instagram, it’s a lot of skin. I have to say, fortunately or unfortunately, I started with that. Growing up, I was always called short and ugly and until I was 18 years old, I could not look in the mirror at all.

[00:06:25] Julian: I’d go to the barber and I’d do this. I refused to look in the mirror. I could not. And the barbers would have to smack me, pull my head out forcefully because I just refused to do it. So I grew up like that, feeling very, very dirty about myself.

[00:06:46] Julian: And so now going to gym has been my therapy, it is my safe space. And it’s something that I tell myself I cannot, and I will not compromise.

[00:06:57] Cheryl: It’s fascinating how you started with revenge and now it’s become your safe space.

[00:07:02] Julian: So this confidence thing started from there when somebody looks at my Instagram page, yea the guy wants attention, I don’t deny it. Because that was how I could find love and attention for me. That changed. By being able to see myself, I realised I have to stop saying

[00:07:21] Julian: Okay, this is what happened. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see pictures, “this part still need to work”, “this part still need to work”, “your legs are so small”. Like, “what are you doing Julian?” “What’s wrong with you?” “Buck up”. And that’s what pushed me over the years. This constant saying, “not good enough”. Despite thousands of people telling me, “you look good”. Never believe this.

[00:07:53] Julian: And at some point, I thought to myself, I really have to say, stop. What is good? Everything can be better. Everything we do can be better. That’s how we self improve. But we have to stop saying, it’s all not good. I’ve done nothing so far. That was my lesson.

[00:08:17] Cheryl: You play many characters in your life. You take on so many jobs. At night, when you go to sleep who is this Julian that’s left?

[00:08:24] Julian: Who’s the real me? It’s that scared little boy who’s terrified of everything, terrified of making decisions, terrified of taking control. I used to write and call it, the monster I chained up inside.

[00:08:35] Julian: A part of me finds that being this vulnerable now, might make them suffer. I’ve been able to recently tell my daughter and my wife. that I’m in a bad place and I’m depressed. And feeling like I don’t want to live anymore. In a male dominated society as a father, it’s very difficult.

[00:09:00] Julian: But I’ve been rewarded with my family telling me you’re going to be okay. I am glad that this is also a reward of the vulnerability that I’ve been able to show recently, my crying on videos. I stopped holding back and I’ve learned that when I stopped holding back from myself, I also stopped holding back from them.

[00:09:24] Julian: If my deepest and darkest secrets are out to them, no one else matters anymore.They can accept me for everything that I am. They support me regardless of everything that I am. It’s still a journey.

[00:09:38] Cheryl: It’s still a journey, still a battle, but you show up every day trying your best. What is the most essential message that you want to share with our listeners who are young working adults between the age of 18 to up to 40s.

[00:09:56] Julian: Be kind to yourself. Don’t be arrogant about it, but allow yourself to be imperfect and accept it. We are all imperfect beings. We are all on this plane of existence to better ourselves. It’s very easy to be kind to other people, you know, some people will flip it around. It’s very easy to be kind to yourself. No, it’s very easy to be selfish about yourself. What’s the difference?

[00:10:22] Julian: Selfish is ego. “I want money. I must feel better before you. I want to earn more money. So therefore I don’t give you this lead so that you don’t close the sale because I want the sale.” That’s ego.

[00:10:36] Julian: Where’s the kindness to yourself? Kindness to yourself is saying things like
“I have empathy for the guy. He needs the money and I want to help him, but I am in no position to help him without that money. Then what’s going to happen? I’m doing him no good. Let me earn this money with him. Let’s grow together.” That’s kindness for myself and him.

[00:11:01] Julian:  It’s very easy to be selfish in ourselves. It’s very easy. I want money. I want good food. What are the motivations? It’s me. The ones who say I want to make a million dollars. I want to make a billion dollars because I want to give 80 percent away. There’s a difference. So be kind to yourself, understand that you’re not perfect. And of course, be kind to other people. I think that’s the root of kindness.

[00:11:28] Cheryl: Thank you so much, Julian. Maybe just want to add one point which is, I think it’s extremely encouraging and inspiring to me to see that you have so many battles to fight on this difficult journey, but yet you try your best, right? Not being perfect all the time, of course, but you do try your best to make people a little bit less like how you felt with that scared little boy inside. I don’t know if Jia Yi has any last words or questions.

[00:11:56] Jia Yi: When you, you decided to be vulnerable and it was a huge gamble for you to lose it, was it like a push or pull factor or something snapped that made you decide, okay, I’m going to do this?

[00:12:08] Julian: It was more of a sense of overwhelming frustration. It’s almost like what I call the aspie melt. I’m done. I’ve had enough. Enough. You know, I just want to throw out the trash. I wasn’t quite able to see what would happen.

[00:12:28] Julian: I just had to trust myself that I would have the ability and the universe will have the ability to keep me safe. So, you know, even as I thought, lose the house, lose the family, lose my friends, parents and all, just lose it. There was a part of me that I lose it all and I can’t handle it or can’t tank it, kill myself.

[00:12:54] Jia Yi: So it was like your last straw already?

[00:12:56] Julian: It was, yeah. I do have to add, the thing that has always kept me from the act itself, is the Buddhist teaching. And it was something my Lama told me many years ago, that if we do commit suicide, we will be doomed. Doomed to live your last moments over and over and over again. Until your supposed time and then you pay penance for it.

[00:13:19] Julian: And I remember thinking, “so terrible”. I just want to go. This just makes it worse. You know? So, it has kept me literally from going over the edge. Look down and be like, “Do I want to keep doing this? No.”

[00:13:44] Jia Yi: Thank you for sharing.

[00:13:46] Cheryl: Okay. Yeah. Thank you so much Julian.