TLDR: There’s a beautiful saying to “meet others where they are”, inviting us to offer patience and understanding to people just as they are. But how often do we “meet ourselves where we are”? On the Dhamma path, it’s easy to fall into the trap of harsh self-judgment when we fall short of our ideals. Drawing on the Buddha’s advice to Mahanama, this article invites you to relate skillfully to your habits by watering the flowers (your goodness) rather than the weeds (your self-criticism).
The Burden of Perfectionist Practice
Perhaps you’ve been there: sitting in meditation, frustrated that your mind won’t settle. Or catching yourself feeling angry and berating yourself for not letting it go. Maybe you’ve noticed unwholesome thoughts arising, and that triggers a wave of self-admonishment: “I am so unwholesome. I should have overcome these habits by now. I should be more mindful and virtuous like everyone else.”
Our spiritual quest begins with the aspiration for happiness and peace. Yet, the deeper we practice, the more keenly we notice our defilements, leaving many sincere practitioners to wonder, “Why am I suffering more now?”
Noticing these tendencies shows your growing discernment. Your mind recognises unskilful tendencies more easily and recoils from them. But punishing yourself for these realisations only adds an extra layer of suffering. The challenge is not to eradicate all defilements overnight, but to change our relationship with them, and with the practice itself.
How can we better relate to the practice?
The Buddha’s Advice: Rejoice In Your Goodness
Mahanama, a devoted lay disciple, asked the Buddha where we should let our minds dwell (Mahanama Sutta). The Buddha taught him to establish wholesome qualities first, then, on that basis, recollect the Triple Gem, as well as reflect on his own goodness. Specifically, his sila (virtue), his caga (generosity), and the qualities that he shares with the devas (heavenly beings) – faith, virtue, learning, generosity, and wisdom.
The Buddha explained that these recollections uplift the mind to joy, which lays the foundation for deep meditation (samadhi). He encourages us to regularly find joy in the wholesome within ourselves, because joy is a condition for samadhi. Such spiritual joy is not just nice-to-have, but essential for meditative progress.
But how do we honour our goodness while still honestly facing our unwholesome tendencies?
Meeting Yourself Where You Are
It is through wise acceptance, not denial or self-attack.
The goal is a joyful and wholesome mind. Criticising yourself for habits born of past conditioning only creates tension and blocks progress. Instead, meet yourself where you are, and not the ideal you wish you’d already become.
Acknowledge your current state just as it is: Your resentment, your lust, your inability to access loving-kindness, these are valid starting points. Everyone who is not yet an Anagami (third stage of enlightenment) still experiences varying degrees of sensual desire and ill-will. You can notice the areas that need attention without making yourself wrong for having them.
Recognise that awakening is a gradual process: The Buddha likened the path to awakening to the ocean shoreline, slanting and sloping gently, not abruptly. Progress is almost invisible day to day, but it becomes clearer over time.
Working with What’s Present, Step By Step
The Buddha compared spiritual training to a clever horse trainer who trains a colt (young racehorse) step by step: first wearing a bit, then a harness, then commands. Each action is uncomfortable at first as the colt is not used to it. Each step is patiently repeated until the colt becomes peaceful, before progressing further.
Likewise, in your spiritual practice, tame one unskillful habit at a time. Practise skilfully with whatever suffering that’s arising right now. Forcing big changes or new virtues all at once leads to discouragement and exhaustion. Train your body, speech, and mind in manageable steps by choosing practices that suit your present capacity.
Water the Flowers, Don’t Water the Weeds
As Ajahn Brahm taught, “Water the flowers, don’t water the weeds.” What you water, grows.
Criticising your flaws (watering weeds) only feeds discouragement. Rejoice in your moments of goodness (watering flowers), and joy will flourish.
Following the Buddha’s guidance to Mahanama, make rejoicing a daily practice:
Take your time to reflect on your kind deeds. Perhaps you gave way to someone, made a donation, listened to a friend in distress, let an ant pass unharmed, or spoke the truth even when it was hard.
Remember your sila, the moments when you chose kindness over cruelty, honesty over deception, or restraint over indulgence. Recall your caga, the times you shared your time, resources, or energy with others. Reflect on your faith in the Triple Gem, how you honoured the Sangha, committed to learning the Dhamma, and reflected on your experiences in line with the Buddha’s teachings.
Consider starting a Goodness Diary where you note down these acts, especially those that gladdened your heart. Over time, you will see that goodness has been flowing through you all along. You just needed to notice and remember.
Forgiving Yourself
Sometimes, the self-criticism runs deeper. Burdened by deep regret over past actions, rejoicing in your virtue can feel impossible. You might believe your mistakes are unforgivable, even worse than those of Angulimala, the serial killer transformed by the Buddha’s compassion.
Begin by honestly acknowledging your mistakes and committing to learn from them. Where possible, make amends through sincere apologies and wholesome actions. If you have harmed life, save and nurture lives wherever you can. If you have sown discord, help bring people together in harmony, however you’re able. You might also find comfort in seeking forgiveness from the Triple Gem, or if it feels right, from those harmed, even if only in your thoughts.
Forgiveness is a journey that often takes intentional, repeated effort.
If self-judgment returns, remind yourself of Ajahn Brahm’s story of the Two Bad Bricks:
“We’ve all got our two bad bricks, but the perfect bricks in each one of us are much, much more than the mistakes.”
In your brick wall of life, look around the two bad bricks and see the good bricks too. Release, for a moment, the urge to see only flaws.
Step back, gain perspective: your wall is beautiful overall.
Let Goodness Bloom
Our obstacle is rarely wickedness, but forgetfulness. We remember every unskilful deed we’ve done, but forget our countless moments of goodness. As you keep nurturing your goodness, practise remembering them too. Experience for yourself how the path to peace is paved, not by dwelling on your shortcomings, but by celebrating the goodness already in your life.
Can you remember one wholesome action you’ve done that gladdened your heart? Water that flower today. 🙂
Further Learning
- Joy in the Wholesome by Bhikkhu Bodhi
- How to Cultivate Mindfulness in Buddhism
- Guided Meditation: Silanussati by Bhante Akaliko
- Guided Meditation: Caganussati by Venerable Canda
- Guided Meditation: HOL Silanussati by Kaylee
Acknowledgements
Thank you Heng Xuan for turning our casual conversation into a fully-formed draft, and Kaylee for sharing resources and her encouragement to write this piece.
I seek forgiveness if I’ve misrepresented the Dhamma in any way.
Wise Steps
- Reflect on Mahanama Sutta
- Keep nurturing your sila (virtue) and caga (generosity)
- Remember your goodness in daily life and in meditation
- Work with unwholesome tendencies one at a time
