TLDR: From sleep-deprived parents to child-free practitioners: How Buddhist teachings apply to life’s biggest decision. Spoiler: No “right” answer exists.

In the journey of life, one of the most significant crossroads many face is the decision to have children. 

Unlike other major religions, there is no explicit duty mentioned by the Buddha for Buddhists to have children and expand the population. 

Instead, for Buddhists, this choice carries layers of contemplation as we consider how it aligns with our practice of Dhamma. 

Let’s explore four key themes that highlight the different experiences of those who choose to have children and those who don’t, acknowledging that both paths offer unique opportunities for spiritual growth and challenges to overcome.

1. Time and Practice

For those who choose to have children, time becomes a precious commodity. The demands of parenthood often mean less time for formal meditation practices or extended retreats. 

A practitioner mom, Celeste, shares that “Parenthood for infants definitely means having no time for yourself unless you have external help. Babies need to drink milk every 3 hours including midnight!” 

Caring for her daughter who has a cleft palate, is challenging as it causes feeding aversions and discomfort. Milk often seeps into her nose or ears, causing pain, and feeding requires immense patience. When she can’t feed from the bottle, Celeste and her husband resort to tube feeding, which is heartbreaking to watch. 

Yet, in soothing her tantrums, she has developed deep compassion, and frustration often melts away. There are moments of sadness, but they pass quickly, just as babies move from crying in pain to smiling moments later, without holding onto the past. Their resilience is truly inspiring.

Hence, even though the time for formal practice might be limited, every interaction with a child becomes an opportunity to cultivate presence, patience, and loving-kindness. Parents often find themselves practising the Dhamma in the most unexpected moments – during a midnight feeding or while soothing a tantrum.

On the other hand, those without children may find they have more flexibility to dedicate time to formal practice. They might have the opportunity to attend longer retreats, dive deeper into sutra studies, or even ordain temporarily. 

This additional time for practice can accelerate one’s progress on the path. However, it’s important to note that having more time doesn’t automatically translate to better practice. The challenge here lies in maintaining discipline and motivation without the external push that parental responsibilities provide.

2. Attachment and Letting Go

Parenthood brings with it one of the strongest attachments we can experience as human beings. The love for a child is profound and can be a source of both great joy and great suffering. 

Parents are constantly faced with opportunities to practice letting go – from the first day of school to watching their adult children make their own life choices. This intense attachment can be seen as a challenge to Buddhist practice, but it also offers a unique opportunity to understand and work with attachment in a very direct way.

For Celeste, raising a child, especially one with special needs, has been a profound lesson in letting go of attachments and embracing unpredictability. She finds joy in the simplest milestones like her daughter breathing well or drinking milk without a feeding tube, which remind her of the beauty in life’s basics. 

This experience has deepened her gratitude for good health and shifted her perspective on survival and fulfilment. Celeste believes that avoiding parenthood out of fear is another form of attachment. Having faced a tough childbirth and near-death experience, she feels strongly that every sentient being deserves their best shot at life.

For her, providing unconditional care with compassion and without clinging has been both deeply fulfilling and a reminder to accept birth and death as they come.

Those who choose not to have children might find it easier to cultivate a sense of non-attachment in certain aspects of life. They may have fewer worries about the future and may find it easier to live in the present moment. 

However, they too will face attachments in other forms – to career, to relationships, to personal goals. The challenge here is to ensure that the choice not to have children doesn’t stem from a desire to avoid attachment altogether, which could lead to a different form of clinging.

3. Service and Compassion

Having children provides a direct and constant opportunity to serve others. Parents often find themselves naturally developing compassion as they care for their children’s needs before their own. 

This daily practice of putting others first can be a powerful way to erode self-centredness and cultivate metta – the wish for all beings to be well and happy. The love for one’s children can also serve as a gateway to understanding and developing universal compassion. 

Alvin, a father of two, shares that children can be a great reflection of our level of compassion.

He shares “Perhaps the most profound aspect of parenting is how our children become mirrors, reflecting our level of practice. They reveal both our strengths and weaknesses, often in stark clarity. Have you ever lost your cool with your child in public? It’s a humbling reminder of how much work we still have to do on our minds. When your child achieves something, do you feel an unhinging need to boast on social media? This might reveal attachments to pride and external validation.”

Those without children might find different avenues for service and compassion. They may have more time and resources to dedicate to community service, to support Buddhist organisations, or to engage in humanitarian work. 

Their compassion might be expressed more broadly, extending to a wider circle of beings rather than being intensely focused on immediate family. The challenge here is to find ways to regularly step outside of oneself and cultivate a sense of care for others without the immediate demands of family life.

4. Simplicity and Complexity

Choosing not to have children can be seen as a step towards simplifying one’s life. It can mean fewer worldly responsibilities and potentially less entanglement in samsaric concerns. This simplicity can create space for spiritual pursuits and can make it easier to live a life aligned with Buddhist principles of non-harming and minimal impact on the environment.

On the other hand, having children undoubtedly adds complexity to life. It involves navigating the education system, health concerns, and the myriad of ethical decisions involved in raising another human being. 

However, this complexity can also bring richness and depth to one’s life experience. It provides countless opportunities to put Buddhist teachings into practice in real-world situations. 

Parents often find that raising children deepens their understanding of impermanence, interdependence, and the preciousness of human life.

Conclusion: Mindful Choice, No Regrets

Ultimately, the decision to have children or not is deeply personal. From a Buddhist perspective, what matters most is not the choice itself, but how we approach it and live with its corresponding results.

If you choose to have children, embrace it as a path of practice, finding the Dhamma in every aspect of family life. If you choose not to have children, use your circumstances wisely in your pursuit of enlightenment and service to others.

Remember, there’s no need to give in to peer pressure or societal expectations. What’s most important is to make your choice mindfully, with a clear understanding of your motivations and the potential consequences.

Whichever path you choose, there will be unique opportunities and challenges. The key is to accept these with equanimity, always doing your best to cultivate wisdom and compassion in whatever circumstances you find yourself.

In the end, a life well-lived in accordance with the Dhamma is what matters most, whether that life includes raising children or not. May your choice be guided by wisdom and lead to the benefit of all beings.

Wise Steps:

•  Audit your motivations: Ask: “Is my choice driven by fear or wisdom?”
• Create a “parenting as practice” plan: Turn daily tasks (feeding, tantrums) into mindfulness exercises.
• Do a “time budget”: Allocate hours weekly to spiritual growth, kids or not.