TLDR: Unsure about your relationship? These five questions with corresponding Buddhist references can help you gain clarity and insight into your partnership.
As we balance our spiritual path with the demands of urban life, it’s not uncommon to experience doubt or uncertainty in our romantic partnerships.
There are five honest questions (taken from a podcast) you should ask yourself to help clarify things. These questions are designed to help you better understand your feelings and evaluate the strength of your relationship.
1. If someone told you, “You’re a lot like your partner,” would this be a compliment to you?
This question invites you to consider whether your partner’s qualities align with your values and aspirations. In Buddhism, the concept of kalyāṇa-mitta (spiritual friendship) is vital. A true spiritual friend is one who supports and encourages your growth on the path to enlightenment.
In the Sigalovada Sutta (DN 31), the Buddha describes the qualities of a good friend, which include being virtuous, reliable, generous, and wise. Reflect on whether your partner possesses these qualities and whether you are proud to be associated with them. If being compared to your partner feels like a compliment, it suggests that they may be a positive influence on your life. However, if the comparison makes you uncomfortable, it could be a sign that your values and theirs are not in harmony.
2. Are you truly fulfilled or just less lonely?
Loneliness can be a powerful motivator to enter or stay in a relationship, but it’s essential to distinguish between true fulfilment and the mere absence of loneliness. The Buddha teaches that while sensory pleasures are fleeting and often lead to suffering, true happiness arises from inner contentment and the development of wisdom.
Ask yourself whether your relationship brings you deep, lasting joy, or if it merely fills a void. Are you with your partner because they enrich your life in meaningful ways, or because you fear being alone?
True fulfilment in a relationship should come from shared growth, mutual respect, and a sense of connection that goes beyond the surface level.
3. Are you able to be unapologetically yourself? Or do you feel the need to show up differently to please your partner?
Authenticity is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship. The Buddha emphasised the importance of sacca (truthfulness) in all aspects of life, including relationships. In the Dhammapada (verse 224), the Buddha states, “Speak the truth; yield not to anger; when asked, give even if you have but little.” This highlights the value of being truthful and authentic in our interactions.
Consider whether you feel free to express your true self with your partner or if you often find yourself changing who you are to meet their expectations.
A relationship where you can be genuinely yourself, without fear of judgment or rejection, is one that is rooted in mutual respect and understanding. If you feel the need to constantly alter your behaviour or suppress your true feelings, it may indicate a lack of harmony and acceptance in the relationship.
4. Are you in love with who your partner is right now as a whole, or are you only in love with their good side, their potential, or the idea of them?
It’s easy to fall in love with the best parts of someone or the potential you see in them. However, when seeing the bad sides, we often may suffer a form of cognitive dissonance. Always craving a return to their good side.
In the Metta Sutta (Kp 9), the Buddha teaches the importance of loving-kindness, which includes accepting others as they are without trying to change them.
Reflect on whether you are truly in love with your partner as they are today, or if you are more attached to their potential or the idealised version of them in your mind.
Love rooted in reality acknowledges and accepts the flaws and imperfections of your partner. If you find that you are only attached to the idea of who they could be, it may indicate that your relationship is built on expectations rather than a genuine connection.
5. Would you want your future or imagined child to date someone like your partner?
This question helps you assess your partner’s qualities from a broader perspective. The Buddha’s teachings often encourage us to consider the impact of our actions on others. In the Cakkavatti Sutta (DN 26), the Buddha advises rulers to lead with compassion and wisdom, considering the well-being of their subjects.
Similarly, consider whether you would be happy for someone you care about deeply, such as your child, to be in a relationship with someone like your partner.
This perspective can provide clarity on whether your partner’s qualities are truly admirable and conducive to long-term happiness. If the idea of your child dating someone like your partner gives you pause, it may be worth re-evaluating the relationship.
Conclusion
Uncertainty in a relationship is natural, especially as we navigate the complexities of love and companionship. By reflecting on these five questions through the lens of Buddhist teachings, you can gain deeper insight into your relationship and your own needs and values.
Whether the answers lead you to strengthen your bond or to reconsider your path, this introspection can guide you towards a relationship that is harmonious, fulfilling, and rooted in mutual respect and understanding.
Wise steps:
- Reflect on whether your partner’s qualities align with your own values and aspirations, and how that influences your relationship.
- Cultivate authenticity by being truthful with yourself and your partner about your needs, feelings, and expectations.
- Consider your partner’s qualities from a broader perspective—would you want your child to be in a relationship with someone like them?
