TLDR: Delve into the fragility of love and learn from Venerable Jian Xin how Buddhism offers transformative insights for enduring relationships.

Unmasking the myth of love

A middle-aged student shared with me, “Shifu, if I had understood the Dharma at 25 years old as I understand it today, I would most likely not have gotten married.” I cannot help but ponder: How many people have really understood and realised the Dharma such that they can then see through ‘love’?

It is interesting that the English term used to describe the development of love towards another person is ‘falling in love’. 

According to Wikipedia, “The term is metaphorical, emphasising that the process, like the physical act of falling, is sudden, uncontrollable and leaves the lover in a vulnerable state, similar to ‘falling ill’ or ‘falling into a trap’ ”. 

Is it possible for people to ‘rise in love’ and reach higher ideals for themselves and their loved ones in a love relationship?

Baby, you’re mine?

What is the allure of love such that popular literature, movies, art and music all celebrate it? It has been estimated that more than 100 million songs have been recorded. What a staggering figure! 

I remember during a Dharma talk, a western Venerable mentioned the title of this love song he heard in the 1990s when he was young – “Baby, You’re Mine”.  First, he joked, “Your lover is a grown-up, not a baby!” Then he wisely commented, “Even I am not mine; how can you be mine?”

A woman seduces Buddha’s close disciple

The Buddha said, “Of all desires, there is none worse than lust. Of desires, lust has no equal. Fortunately, it is one of a kind. If there were another desire so strong, no one in the world could follow the Way.”

In the Shurangama Sutra, the daughter of Matangi, Prakriti, fell madly in love with Ananda, one of the Buddha’s foremost disciples.  She even tried to seduce Ananda by casting a spell over him. Fortunately, the spell was broken by the intervention of the Buddha. Ananda was unharmed and returned to the assembly. 

Prakriti was led to the Buddha and with the Buddha’s guidance, “the fire of lust in Matangi’s daughter’s heart died instantly” and “the river of love dried up in her.” She entered the Bhikshuni order and became an Arhat.

It is interesting to note that Ananda, despite being the Buddha’s primary attendant and foremost in hearing and remembering the teachings of the Buddha, did not attain Arhatship until shortly after the Buddha’s passing.

Love & Suffering

So love that involves clinging, lust, neediness and grasping to self will give rise to suffering and more suffering. In the Dhammapada 213, the Buddha taught that:

“From love springs sorrow,
And from love, fear is born.
For one released from love,
There is no sorrow and there is nothing to fear.”

It is the truth expounded in Buddhism that everything which has the nature of arising has the nature of ceasing. After love arises, it is the fragile and transient nature of it that makes it so difficult for people to accept it when it ceases.

The uncertainty of love 

It is no surprise that we have popular love songs with titles like “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” which suggests the uncertainty and transience of love, as well as titles like “I Will Always Love You,” which attempts to pledge eternal love.

I look at the people around me and always wonder how they can readily start a love relationship but are not at all prepared for the ending of it, be it through separation or through death.

 I have so often witnessed how easily they would get into love relationships but had to go through the most difficult times dealing with the aftermath of break-ups.

What can the Dharma teach us?

So what is the wisdom that can be offered by Buddhism here? Instead of being attached to love, which is by nature changeable and perishable, and which often gives rise to sorrow, fear and other kinds of suffering, are we able to transform it into something that is higher and nobler?

The answer is Metta – Loving-kindness. Metta is the strong wish for the welfare and happiness of others. It is the altruistic attitude of love, devoid of attachment, possessiveness, desires and self-interest. As Metta Sutta puts it:

“Just as with her own life,
A mother shields from hurt
Her own son, her only child,
Let all-embracing thoughts
For all beings be yours.

Cultivate an all-embracing mind of love
For all throughout the universe,
In all its height, depth and breadth –
Love that is untroubled
And beyond hatred or enmity.”

Hence, the Buddha Dharma can put the ‘myth of love’ into perspective, so that we can break the illusion of love as the source of real, everlasting happiness. Instead, we can practise and cultivate ‘true love’ for our loved ones, and as the song title suggests, the “Greatest Love of All”, which is Metta – a boundless and liberating form of love celebrated by the Buddha.

Wise steps:

• Love that involves clinging, lust, neediness and grasping to self will give rise to suffering and more suffering. Instead of being attached to love, which leads to suffering, transform it into Metta –  altruistic attitude of love, devoid of attachment. 
• Cultivate boundless ‘true love’ for our loved ones, and for all sentient beings.